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#i'm not self-centered enough to think it's everyone's case
mysillyside ยท 2 months
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What if Death Note was shown to us from L's perspective?
Imagine a version of Death Note where we the audience didn't know with certainty that Light is Kira. Could we fully trust L's deduction if we weren't shown Light's actions or given access to Light's thoughts?
We'd have to figure it out slowly, as L does. And I'd think the story would make us doubt L's theory during many points. This might sound strange but hear me out. In the actual story, we know Light is Kira, as we follow his point-of-view, and therefor it feels silly when the task force denies something that seems so glaringly obvious to us.
But when you really think about it, from their perspective- there are many holes in L's theory, and to believe that Light is Kira, they'd have to blindly believe what is essentially mostly a hunch of their (self-admitted) stubborn, childish boss who hates losing and being wrong. No wonder they aren't completely onboard.
In short, it would have not only been different viewing experience, but more importantly- a different emotional experience.
Had the story been told this way, I think it would have worked better as a mystery thriller, and in my opinion, been waaay more chilling to watch.
Though, I do think the story would lose a lot of its appeal and entertainment value. It definately wouldn't have been nearly as popular, that's for sure. So I'm not saying it would have been better at all, I don't even think that! But it would have been different and interesting in its own way.
So lets talk about how the plot would unravel had our point-of-view character been switched from Light to L:
Suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, criminals all over the world start dying, getting mysterious heart attacks. Nobody knows the cause, who is behind this if anyone at all. Perhaps it is some sort of divine punishment.
L, the world's greatest detective, and our protagonist/pov-character, starts investigating immediately. It's been awhile since he was this interested in solving a case. We would learn that L isn't someone invested in justice from the getgo. To him, this atrocious act of mass murder is an exciting challenge to solve. We would get non-stop insight into his internal thoughts on everything. Learn that L is a childish person, a very stubborn man that hates losing and being wrong. We'd also see how willing he is to go against basic human decency and moral code in the persuit of his investigation from the get-go.
I cannot stress how different emotionally it would have been to watch L, essentially go into a seemingly unsolvable case blind. And bit by bit, get a clearer picture of what's happening. Scenes like the Lind L. Tailor TV stunt or the To-Oh Entrance Ceramony would have been chilling, had we been following his perspective.
Additionally, we can goof on the taskforce for not picking up the fact Light is obviously Kira, but from their perspective, it does seem a little sketchy and absurd. Light is a 17-18 year old college student by the time L starts suspecting him. By everyone's accounts, he's a hard working, extremely intelligent, upstanding, polite and friendly young man. A good son, brother, student and friend.
But L has a hunch this young man in specific is Kira. Can he prove it? Well there's weight to his theory. Light often seems to be in the center of several key events pertaining to the investigation. His father works on the task force for the case, the fiancee of the FBI agent who was investigating him seems to have gone completely missing. He is also perfect. Too perfect, he almost doesn't seem real.
But is this really enough? L from the getgo seems immedietly drawn into this idea that Light is Kira, as soon as he lays his eyes on him. As said before, L hates being wrong and is known to be stubborn. Everyone around him is telling him he's being absurd.
We the audience would obviously be on L's side, don't get me wrong. L is the greatest detective who never failed to solve a case, besides we have no other useful suspects besides Light.
But what would happen when there'd seemingly be holes in L's theory? When Light was being monitored on camera in his house, he was doing homework and not watching TV while criminals who's names and faces were broadcasted started dying. If Light is Kira, how is he able to do something like that? In canon, L never learned how Light pulled this trick off, therefor, had we been watching this from L's point-of-view, we wouldn't have known either.
Thankfully then Misa would appear, and once we learn that her DNA is on the tapes sent by the second Kira, this would strengthen our hunch that L is right.
But then Light would even turn himself in, saying that "maybe I'm Kira but unaware of it", and the solitary confinement would begin. After a few days, this young man starts panicking and saying he must have made a mistake and that he is clearly not Kira. He seems incredibly genuine, even L is taken aback.
A little bit into solitary confinement, criminals start dying again. But L still refuses to let Light and Misa go. L imprisoned two teenagers, one of whom has barely any proof he has any connection to Kira, and the other is detained in a questionable way, making her scared and believe a perverted stalker has kidnapped her. All this, while L is still insisting to keep them confined against all reason. Only allowing the confinement to end if Light's father pretends to shoot him, just so L can test out his theory.
In short, L would be extremely unlikable during so many points in the story. The only reason why many ppl currently can't process the fact that L is a very immoral character, is due to us knowing that Light is guilty. But had the story been told like this, we'd have to consider the possibility that L could be wrong, and that he's essentially traumatizing two innocent young ppl over nothing.
During the Yotsuba arc, we finally get to see what Light is like. And it appears people's descriptions of him were right. He's an upstanding, caring young man with a strong moral compass and sense of justice.
He's been put through hell and back, 50 days of solitary confinement, having to live through the horror of having his own father pretend to shoot him and now being chained 24/7 to the same detective who made him go through all that. And he is still doing his best to be being patient and understanding. While L is moping over the fact his deduction could be wrong. No, actually he's moping over the fact that he has no way of proving his deduction is right, and is refusing to let go of his innitial theory, even though people are dying!
Throughout the arc, L and Light interract and Light consistently has the moral highground. And by the time the Yotsuba group appears and is comfirmed to have involvement with Kira in some way, I do think the audience would start genuienly doubting L.
Perhaps Light really was just at the wrong place at the wrong time, perhaps everything really had just been a coincidence and Light really was an innocent young man who didn't deserve to go through any of this.
When Higuchi is caught, I think it really would have felt like a triumphant moment.
I know that L lied through his teeth when he called Light his best friend. I do not think he considers Light a friend. But he definately considers Light someone he respects in many ways, both on an intellectual level but also personal intrigue. Light always intrigued L, from the moment the man heard him speak.
I don't think L doubted his hunch that Light is Kira for a second. I also don't think L wanted Light to be anything but Kira.
But I do think L (at least anime L), felt like he lost something when Light reverted back to Kira.
Light was never his friend, but he could have been. Losing a human connection you had that could have potentially become a real genuine friendship with someone you relate to, find interesting and consider your equal, would be upsetting to anyone. (Don't get me wrong though, if Light wasn't Kira, L would have thrown a pissy-fit, but two things can be true at once) I know L is a person who doesn't crave or desire emotional connections or any connections really, but he's still a person at the end of the day.
Finally they uncover the murder weapon. A Death Note, a small black notebook that can apparently kill people. After L gets hold of it, he sees the monster attached to the notebook, a shinigami. They are real after all.
Finally, Light gets his hands on it. And screams louder than anyone else.
And in that moment, L realized that Light is once again Kira.
Ok, I know the manga and anime diverge during episode 25. The anime adds a lot more extra content to the story that wasn't present in the manga. But I adore episode 25 (it's just a hauntingly beautiful episode, I love how it's directed, even if it's clearly different from the rest of the show), so I will go with what happens in the anime version.
Kira is back.
There's only two things that can happen from here.
Either Light is going to be arrested, or L is going to die.
L is acting irrationally this episode. Perhaps he's afraid to die. Perhaps he's afraid of what will happen when Light is arrested, and what emotions that might stir in the detective. Either option is scary on its own. His ears are ringing from the bell. A bell only he is able to hear it seems.
Light finds him on the rooftop in the rain. In a last ditch attempt to form any sort of human connection, L rambles to him nonsensically, finally asking Light if he's capable of being truthful.
Light lies again. He always lies. L smiles to that. They are both lying monsters.
They go inside to wipe themselves clean. And have a suprisingly gentle, human moment. We don't know what's going through their minds, just like in the original. But this care and tenderness shown between them, we can buy it being genuine.
Perhaps Light really isn't Kira. Maybe L's paranoia and suspicion have rubbed off on us.
The moment is interrupted when Watari calls L informing him that the plans to test out the Death Note have been made. If this is done, there's a possibility Light's innocence will once again be called into question.
L announces his plan in front of the taskforce.
And suddenly everything goes red. L is calling out to Watari, not able to reach him as the old man is withering in pain.
In an instant, all the computer screens around them change, spelling out the words: "ALL DATA DELETION".
Watari is dead.
L tries to give out orders and suddenly a sharp pain pierces his chest. He drops the spoon he's been using to eat with, as he falls from his chair.
Light catches him, gently holding him in his arms as L stares into the young man's face.
A face that distorts into a mocking sadistic grin.
All this time. He had been right. He was right all along.
His eyes close and the show ends.
146 notes ยท View notes
kiarastromboli ยท 10 days
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๐๐ž๐ฒ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐‘๐ž๐š๐ฌ๐จ๐ง:
๐“๐ก๐ž ๐ƒ๐ž๐ฉ๐ญ๐ก๐ฌ ๐จ๐Ÿ ๐Ž๐›๐ฌ๐ž๐ฌ๐ฌ๐ข๐จ๐ง.
๐Œ๐š๐ญ๐ญ ๐’๐ญ๐ฎ๐ซ๐ง๐ข๐จ๐ฅ๐จ ๐ฑ ๐ฒ/๐ง
โ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑ
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
โ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑ
๐•„๐•’๐•ค๐•ฅ๐•–๐•ฃ๐•๐•š๐•ค๐•ฅ
๐•Ž๐•’๐•ฃ๐•Ÿ๐•š๐•Ÿ๐•˜: jealous!reader, stalker!Matt, just a bit suggestive ๐Ÿค๐Ÿผ
๐•Š๐•ฆ๐•ž๐•ž๐•’๐•ฃ๐•ช: Y/N will meet Sarah, who doesn't seem to particularly please her, and after spending the morning waiting for him, our two main characters will finally be able to enjoy their dates together.
โ„•๐• ๐•ฅ๐•–: I know the really spicy part takes time to arrive, but don't worry, it's coming soon.
๐‚๐ก๐š๐ฉ๐ญ๐ž๐ซ ๐Ÿ, ๐‚๐ก๐š๐ฉ๐ญ๐ž๐ซ ๐Ÿ.
โ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑ
๐‚๐ก๐š๐ฉ๐ข๐ญ๐ซ๐ž ๐Ÿ‘:
Here we are, Saturday.
This morning when I woke up, I was in high spirits. I was going to spend my day with her, well, at least half of my day, given that I still had to work this morning.
Last night, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep; I couldn't stop thinking about today and how it would go. I was apprehensive, expecting both the best and the worst, but I really didn't know what to expect. Even though she had made advances, Caleb, her so-called friend, had clearly hinted that he also wanted the place I coveted.
So naturally, I spent my night on social media trying to find Caleb's accounts to learn more about him. And to be honest, it wasn't very difficult to find.
"Caleb_the.1, seriously?" I thought when I found his Instagram account. This guy was so self-centered it almost made me want to vomit.
His bio consisted of bro-ish phrases to show that he was an alpha athlete above the others, it was ridiculous to the point of being laughable. How can you hang out with this kind of guy, y/n? Seriously, aren't you ashamed?
Scrolling through his profile, I found about fifteen shirtless photos of him, of course, it goes without saying. And honestly, it's not very prudent of him to expose his life so much on social media. In less than five minutes, I knew which gyms he frequented, his favorite restaurants, and all the places he liked to go daily, giving me the opportunity to learn a little more about him.
But for now, he'll have to wait. My priority is y/n, and I'll deal with his case after our appointment.
"You're late!" Sarah said to me when I arrived at the bookstore.
"Sorry, traffic was jammed this morning," I lied. I didn't have an excuse; I was late only because I spent an extra 20 minutes scrolling through Caleb's profile this morning to learn more.
"Matt, since when does traffic matter to you when you're on your bike??" she said, confused.
"It's none of your business, Sarah, stop asking me questions," I said, shaking my head.
"Yeah, you're lucky I'm your friend; otherwise, I would've fired you!" she said before turning around and going back to her tasks.
It's true; I'm lucky to have a friend like Sarah. I probably don't think enough about thanking her.
I went back to my post and continued my morning, chatting a bit with her; there weren't many customers today.
"Matt, you're lying; you're not going to tell me you've never thought about that before!" Sarah said, shocked that I've never had any weird fantasies about a celebrity.
"No, never, and I find it weird that you were obsessed with Zac Efron until the end of high school!" I said, laughing.
"First of all, I wasn't obsessed! I just had a little crush on him, and secondly, everyone had a crush on that guy back then!" she said, justifying herself.
Meanwhile, I hadn't noticed, but someone had entered the shop at that moment.
"Yeah, in middle school, Sarah, not in high school!" I replied, laughing.
"Screw you, Matty!" she said, chuckling and giving me a light push.
We were interrupted by the voice of a newcomer behind us.
"Hey," she said, her voice a bit sharp.
I immediately turned around, recognizing y/n's voice.
But something was different; her voice wasn't as gentle as usual, and I couldn't see her usual smile.
"Oh, hi, y/n," I replied, smiling.
"Um, this is Sarah, my colleague. I didn't know you'd come so soon," I said, scratching my neck.
"Hi," Sarah said, smiling and extending her hand.
"I've got my hands full, sorry," y/n said to Sarah, giving her some sort of fake smile.
"Yeah, I thought I'd come a little earlier to bring you some coffee," y/n said, turning to me.
"Oh, um, thanks, you didn't have to," I said timidly.
"No, of course, I insist. It's the least I can do after you gave me a ride home last time!" she said, casting a fleeting glance at Sarah.
I'm not sure what game she's playing, but I don't get the feeling she likes Sarah too much.
"Yeah, well, I'll leave you guys. I still have a lot of work. Matt, don't linger too long; we still have to do inventory," Sarah said before leaving us.
A brief silence ensued before I decided to speak.
"It's really nice of you to get the coffee, y/n," I said, smiling.
"It's nothing, I got you a decaf," she said, handing me my coffee.
"Wow, wait, this is my favorite. How did you knowโ€”" I started to say before she cut me off.
"Just lucky, I guess," she said, smiling.
Maybe this girl knows me a little better than I thought. I thought I was harder to read than that.
"Well, thank you very much. I finish in 2 hours. If you want, you can browse the bookstore while you wait for me," I said.
"That works out perfectly; I was in the mood to read today," she said, smiling before heading off to explore the bookstore.
It was nice working with her around. We exchanged little glances, and most of the time, she would smile at me.
Honestly, I could get used to working under these conditions.
"Matt, focus. I don't mind you having your friends over here, but I can't handle the customers and inventory all by myself!" Sarah said, getting annoyed, interrupting yet another exchange of glances with y/n.
"Sorry, if you want, I'll take care of the inventory and close the shop today," I said, trying to make amends.
"Okay, but hurry up. We have 45 minutes left before closing, and there's still a stack of books in the back room," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Yes, ma'am," I said, smiling, and she couldn't help but smile back before I went to do what I needed to do in the back room.
POV of Sarah:
I watched Matt walk into the back room, smiling and shaking my head. How could I stay mad at him after all?
Anyway, I headed back to the counter to tidy up the things lying around when I noticed Matt's friend heading towards the back room.
"Hey, sorry, but you can't go in there," I said, stopping her in her tracks and pointing to the sign on the door that specified "Employees Only."
She stopped and turned to face me.
"Sasha, right?" she said, crossing her arms.
"It's Sarah," I replied.
"Yeah, whatever, Sarah. Have you had feelings for Matt for a long time?" she asked, catching me off guard.
"W-what?" I said, furrowing my brows.
"Let's not play this little game, please. It's not going to work with me. You and I both know you have a huge crush on him, and frankly, it's pathetic. You can see he's not interested in you, so I suggest you keep your distance and let those who actually have a chance take theirs," she said, staring me in the eyes.
I didn't even know how to respond. I couldn't deny it; everything she had just said was true. But there were much better ways to say it.
There was something off about this girl. She had this threatening air about her towards me when I hadn't done anything to her.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go join Matt," she said, before striding off and pushing through the door without giving me a chance to say anything.
Back to Matt's POV:
I heard the door open, thinking it was Sarah coming to say goodbye.
"What, already? It's closing time, and I haven't finished the inventory yet!" I said before seeing y/n appear.
"Oh, it's you," I said, a bit surprised because she had no reason to be here.
"Yeah, I asked Sarah if I could come give you a hand," she said, smiling.
"And she said yes?" I asked, surprised because Sarah is usually strict about the rules, so it would have been strange for her to let y/n in without any objections.
She paused for a moment as if she was taking time to think before answering me.
"No," she said, chuckling, "I waited for her to turn her back before sneaking in here," she confessed, and I laughed.
"I feel like you're going to get me into trouble," I said, smiling.
"Come on, it's not like I'm going to steal any books. Plus, I think it's stupid to restrict access; it's just a back room," she said, rolling her eyes.
"And honestly, I find your colleague rather annoying," she said before covering her mouth.
"Sorry, I spoke before thinking," she said, embarrassed, and I chuckled at her action.
I couldn't help but find it cute.
"Firstly, access is restricted because there are some pretty old books here, the kind that should absolutely not be touched unless you're a professional," I began to explain.
"And secondly, yes, Sarah can be annoying, I'll give you that, but she can also be really nice. I'm sure you'd get along great with her," I said, continuing to do the inventory.
"We'll see about that later. For now, let me help you with all this so we can finally go for a ride on the bike," she said, chuckling before coming to help me.
With y/n's help, I managed to finish the inventory just in time for closing.
As we were about to leave the back room, Sarah shot me a look and nodded towards a section of the bookstore, indicating she wanted to talk to me privately.
"I'm going to do one last round in the aisles just to make sure everything's in order before closing. Wait for me here," I said to y/n, realizing Sarah wanted to talk to me alone.
I walked over, and she pulled me a bit further into the bookstore to ensure y/n couldn't overhear us.
"Hey, what's going on?" I said, chuckling.
"Listen, Matt, I'm your friend, and as such, I can't keep this to myself, you understand?" she began, confusing me.
"Your friend y/n, or whatever she is to you, I don't trust her. You shouldn't hang out with her; that girl is really weird," she said.
Here we go.
Seriously, Sarah, instead of being happy for me, you're having a jealousy fit?
"Okay, I don't know where you're going with this, Sarah, but y/n is a great person, and I won't let you badmouth her just because you're jealous," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Jealous? Matt, she threatened me earlier, specifically telling me to stay away from you! I'm not jealous!" she said, getting annoyed.
My y/n do something like that?
It's not possible; she's way too kind and gentle to threaten someone. I knew Sarah had a crush on me, but I didn't think it was to the point where she'd throw a jealousy fit as soon as I was with another woman.
It disappoints me to see her acting this way; I thought we were past that.
"Whatever you say. I'm done with this," I said, rolling my eyes before turning to leave, but she grabbed my arm.
"If you don't want to believe me, that's your problem, but I'm telling you, Matthew, there's something strange about that girl. You should stay on your guard," she said before letting go of my arm and going to collect her things to leave the bookstore.
I stood there for a moment, feeling confused, before joining y/n.
"Is everything okay?" she asked, smiling.
"Yeah, ready to go?" I asked her, returning her smile, and she nodded.
Once the bookstore was closed, y/n and I hit the road before stopping at Central Park.
"Central Park, you couldn't have found a more clichรฉ place," she said, chuckling once she removed her helmet.
"I thought it was the company that mattered, not the place," I said, pretending to be offended.
"Okay, don't start, Matt!" she said, pointing her finger at me, and I smiled.
"You know what, there's a pretty nice museum nearby. Let's go there," she suggested.
"So, no stroll in the park," I said, putting on a falsely sad face.
"We'll do that after your park stroll, idiot. Come on, follow me," she said, rolling her eyes.
We walked for a few minutes before finding ourselves in front of the museum she mentioned.
We entered and strolled around, observing the artworks. It was at this moment that I learned something new about y/nโ€”she's been passionate about photography since she was a child.
We spent a good two hours in the museum, chatting about everything and anything. We almost forgot that lunchtime had long passed.
"Oh my God, it's 1:30 in the afternoon, and we still haven't eaten," she said, chuckling when she checked the time on her phone after leaving the museum.
"Really?" I asked, surprised, and she nodded.
"That's your fault; you talk way too much," I said, chuckling.
"Yeah, like you don't love that," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Are you hungry?" I asked her, smiling.
"A little, and you?" she said, looking me in the eyes.
"A bit," I replied, shrugging.
"Hmm..." she hummed thoughtfully, scanning the surroundings.
"Look, a hot dog stand!" she said excitedly, pointing at the stand before grabbing me by the arm and running towards it.
"And you thought strolling in Central Park was clichรฉ, huh?" I teased once we arrived at the stand.
"Shut up," she said, smiling, before turning to the vendor.
"Two hot dogs, please!" she said cheerfully to the vendor.
"So, I don't even get to choose my meal?" I frowned.
"No, just be quiet and take what I give you!" she said with a smirk, and I chuckled.
"No ketchup!" she added to the vendor as he reached for the sauce compartment.
I hate ketchup, but I don't think I've ever told her that.
She grabbed the hot dogs and paid before I could say anything.
"Ugh, sorry, I hate ketchup, I didn't think to ask if you wanted any," she said, handing me my hot dog.
So it was just a coincidence? You and I probably have much more in common than I could have imagined...
The more time I spend with you, the harder it is for me to believe that you're not the literal definition of perfection, y/n.
"It's okay; I don't like ketchup either anyway," I said, smiling.
"Really??" she said, surprised.
"Yeah, I can't stand it," I said, chuckling.
"Or maybe you're just trying to copy me, huh? I see what you're trying to do, Matty!" she said, narrowing her eyes before taking a bite of her hot dog.
Matty, so we're already at the nickname stage?
"Yeah, that must be it. Keep dreaming," I said, shaking my head and taking a bite of my hot dog.
We continued our little walk to the park.
"Can I be honest with you?" she said, turning to me.
"Go ahead, I'm listening," I replied.
"These hot dogs are really terrible," she said, grimacing, and I laughed.
"I agree," I replied, and she laughed too.
"But I really want to finish them; I hate wasting food!" she said, pouting like a little girl.
Y/n, if only you knew how much you softened my heart.
"It's alright, sweetheart; I'll finish it for you if you can't," I said, smiling.
"Matt, you're so cute, bro," she said, blushing before turning her head.
"Bro?" I chuckled. "That hurts."
"What were you hoping for?" she said, rolling her eyes. "That I'd call you baby?" she said, smiling.
"Okay, go ahead, mock me some more," I said.
"With pleasure, baby," she said with a smirk.
"You're not funny, y/n," I said, finishing my hot dog.
"Maybe, but you adore me anyway," she shrugged, offering me her hot dog for me to eat as agreed.
"I can't deny that," I replied, taking her hot dog.
We continued our walk, chatting about everything and nothing.
I wasn't usually talkative, but with her, everything was so effortless. I loved listening to her; she always had something interesting to say.
She was full of surprises, always having a different opinion or perspective on the world, which made me feel less alone.
"Oh, Matt, look, an ice cream stand!" she said, hopping.
"You're such a child, y/n, you know that?" I chuckled.
"Yeah, I love life, sue me for it," she said, raising her hands sarcastically.
I shook my head before following her to the ice cream stand.
"Oh my god, they have rose-flavored ice cream, it's my favorite scent; you absolutely have to try it!" she said excitedly.
"I don't really feel like ice cream," I started to say before she cut me off to talk to the vendor.
"Two rose-flavored ice creams, please," she said, turning to me with a big smile.
I looked at her bewildered before bursting into laughter; she's completely insane, but I love it.
"Here you go," she said, handing me my ice cream before happily continuing to walk in the park.
How can she have so much energy and smile so much?
It's true; this girl was like a sun; she lit up every place she went.
And me, on the contrary, I felt like I was the moon next to her.
"So, how is it?" she said, smiling, referring to my ice cream.
"Delicious," I replied.
"See, I knew you'd like it," she said proudly.
"Oh, wait, you have some ice cream right there," she said, chuckling before approaching me.
Standing on tiptoes, she placed her hand on my cheek and used the finger of her other hand to wipe the ice cream from the corner of my mouth.
"Here," she said, looking into my eyes and offering me her finger with the ice cream to lick.
Her gaze and expression changed at that moment.
What are you playing at, y/n? Is this your way of making suggestive gestures towards me? If so, you have absolutely no idea the effect you're having on me right now.
I took her finger into my mouth without breaking eye contact, and she bit her lip.
I can't be imagining things; she's not as innocent as she pretends to be.
She then returned to standing normally on both feet before taking a bite of her ice cream, still looking me straight in the eyes.
Fuck, does it really take so little to get me hard?
"Mmmh, my favorite," she said, closing her eyes before turning around and starting to walk again as if nothing had happened.
Is that all? Are you going to leave me hanging like this?
If you only knew how much I dreamed of being in your ice cream's place right now, y/n...
From that moment on, it was difficult for me to focus on what she was saying. My mind was filled with ideas... of all kinds.
But regardless, we resumed our conversation, stopping on a bench to finish our ice creams.
"Fuck," she said, taking her phone to check the notification she had just received in the middle of our conversation.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"It's my dad, he needs me for his charity gala next weekend," she said with a sigh.
"His charity gala?" I asked.
"Yeah, it's something my dad organizes every year. It's a big event where he invites his most influential friends to raise funds for cancer research," she replied.
"Oh, um, do you want me to drop you off?" I offered.
"I'm really sorry to cut our outing short like this," she said with a sad look.
"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it. We can hang out again this week," I said, putting my hand on her back and smiling.
"You're the best," she said, hugging me, and we headed back towards my bike this time.
"Where do you want me to drop you?" I asked as I put on my helmet.
"Take me home, I need to pick up some stuff anyway," she said, putting on her helmet as well.
We got on my bike, and I started driving towards her place.
This time, she seemed to hold on to me a little tighter, as if she didn't want this moment to end.
Oh, so you'd do anything to not have to leave either?
Once we arrived at her apartment complex, I parked, and she got off, taking off her helmet.
"I really hate that I have to go. I wish I could stay with you," she said, looking down at the ground.
I took off my helmet before responding.
"Y/n, you have important things to do, and I'm not going anywhere. You'll come back to me when you have time," I said, placing my hands on her cheeks without thinking.
She looked up at me, and damn, how badly I wanted to kiss her.
Is that what I should do? She's not saying anything anymore, maybe that's what she's waiting for from me?
"Thank you, Matt," she said softly, smiling after several seconds of staring into each other's eyes without saying anything before stepping back and turning to go inside her place.
And I missed my chance again, what an idiot.
Next time, I promise you, y/n, I won't let my chance slip away.
โ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑโœฎโ™ฑโ‹†โ™ฑ
Taglist: @mayhem-72 @tillies33ssss @junnniiieee07 @bernardenjoyer @whicked-hazlatwhore @nicksmainbitch @vickyzloserz @stingerayyy2
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pacifymebby ยท 1 year
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Hey! Can I request the peaky boys with a reader who has abandonment issues, I just know alfie will give one of his best bear hugs if you tell him about it, I'm wondering how it would work out tho cause of them being gangsters and all
Hi there lovely!! Im so sorry that this has taken me this long to get to, i loved this request so much and i wanted to do it justice? I have abandonment issues ngl so i hope i did manage to do this justice
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Tommy
๐ŸŒฟSo caught up in his own issues he doesn't notice yours until someone else points it out to him.
๐ŸŒฟ Honestly i think tommy has one of those terrible inferiority matched with superiority complexes that means hes constantly oscillating between "I'm beneath them" and "fuck everyone I'm better than everyone"
๐ŸŒฟLike beneath everything theres this desperation to be loved that isn't calmed but more squashed and silenced by his convinction that he isnt worth loving/ cant be loved
๐ŸŒฟ So anyway between all these issues he has he probably won't notice anything about you to indicate that you have an issue of your own. He's not exactly self centered, more that theres already so much noise in his head...
๐ŸŒฟ And it'll be his issues that push your issues. His convictions that hes a bad man that you shouldn't love... He'll probably do the dramatic thing and try to cut you off or push you away when things in his life get dangerous for you...
๐ŸŒฟAnd you'll panic and get so sad and he will see he's breaking your heart and terrifying you but it'll take someone like Pol to slap him round the face before he really understands what hes doing to you
๐ŸŒฟ The way him pushing you away just makes you hold on tighter... There will be a bit of relief in him too, he'll like the fact that you don't want to leave him (because of those issues of his own) and there'll be a level of healing there for him, realising someone does think he's worth loving.
๐ŸŒฟBut i think when it all comes to a head, you'd be arguing, you'd both say hurtful evil things to one another in the heat of the moment "you can't just fucking leave me!" "its for your own fucking good, are you stupid? Don't go thinking for a second that i want to do this love, im just doing the intelligent thing... Youre an intelligent girl aren't you? Don't be so fucking stupid..." "I don't want to live without you!" "better you died without me than because of me y/n" "Can't you see thats the same fucking thing tommy!"
๐ŸŒฟ And then maybe finally he'd understand, he'd see your desperation, see how hurt you really are and he'd soften and return to you, kiss you, hold you in his arms, change his mind.
๐ŸŒฟ "You don't want to live without me?" "No," "then you won't, you won't..." just gently shushing you... But he does think you're insane and wants to know why you're like this, wants to know what happened to you to leave you so scared of being alone
๐ŸŒฟHe'd be angry and bitter about this too, why would anyone treat someone as lovely as you with so little care or heart. He'd want to kill them, take their eyes, do something to take revenge, he would probably exercise self restraint though.
๐ŸŒฟ I think he'd have a whole new complex but it would be slightly healthy in an insane and unhealthy way... His new obsession would be staying alive for you, not wanting to abandon you, knowing his life means he could die any minute, death lurks round every corner, it stalks him through the streets...
๐ŸŒฟ And because of this he'd write you letters every now and then for just in case it happens, explaining to you how he isnt just abandoning you. He'd make sure all his affairs were in order, that you wouldn't be left on your own. There would be instructions for his family on making sure to take you in, he'd tell Polly to treat you like a daughter ect.
๐ŸŒฟ He would make you a promise he couldn't keep. Tommy gives the impression of being sensible but he's always making people promises he can't keep (because he's arrogant enough to believe that he can keep those promises)
๐ŸŒฟHe'll hold you so tenderly, tell you he loves you, no one else just you, tells you he'd die without you too. He's being deadly serious too. His biggest fear is something happening to you that leaves him left in this world without you.
๐ŸŒฟHe'd make sure you knew you were loved, he'd buy you a necklace or something, something simple, that you could wear all the time, that would remind you he was with you always.
๐ŸŒฟYou would get so insecure so often just because Tommy socialises in glamourous circles and often meets the most beautiful women, but he would always know the right things to say and do to sooth your worries and reassure you that you mean the world to him.
Alfie
๐Ÿป If you thought he was soft with you before wait till you see him now
๐Ÿป Alfie is very in tune with your emotions and he can tell when you're worried or feeling down. So he knows that something is getting to you before you admit it to him
๐Ÿป You have been trying to hide your issues too because you're aware that it's just a bad choice to be romantically involved with a dangerous gangster when you are quite so scared of being abandoned or left behind like you are.
๐Ÿป Your way of trying to deal with these issues is to kid yourself that you don't have them, that everythings fine, that you'd be completely fine if anything were to happen to Alfie or if he just decided he wasn't interested in you anymore. So whenever Alfie does try to ask whats wrong you would just shut him out and dismiss him
๐Ÿป And when it does come time for him to go away on business, when his life is potentially at risk, you would try to pretend you weren't bothered... Which would hurt Alfie, because he'd think you don't care about him...
๐Ÿป And then he'd try to pretend like he didn't care...
๐Ÿป And things would potentially get pretty messy, you both pretending not to care about the situation, both of you trying to ignore the very near future...
๐Ÿป He'd end up going ahead with this meeting or plan and you'd spend the whole time he was away going crazy, biting your nails, pacing and being restless, convincing yourself he's died, driving yourself crazy and drinking to get through the anxiety...
๐Ÿป So that when he returns he finds you a complete mess, sitting on the kitchen floor with a bottle in your hand, you havent slept, you were drunk but you've cried yourself sober and you feel completely broken down
๐Ÿป Alfie would be heart broken to see you looking so forlorn but he'd do his best not to show you that, smiling sympathetically instead, sitting on the stool at the table and leaning down to reach for the bottle in your hand.
๐Ÿป "hmmm yeah right, i see the problem here ziskeit, yeah i see the probpem.. This you're drinking right here, this is Shelby Gin right and although it claims to be "distilled for the eradication of a seemingly incurable sadness" it just don't do what it says on the label yeah... In fact poppet, I'd go as far as to say that it actually makes you feel much much worse..."
๐Ÿป You'd have been in a state of shock when he first came in, not really believing him to be there at all, but maybe at the sound of his voice youd have looked up at him, realised it really was him and instead of looking so sad and broken a little smile would come onto your face and when he smiled, your smile would grow bigger and brighter.
๐Ÿป "Youre not dead," youd smile seeming to forget the misery of your solitude. Alfie would laugh at you a little confused and he'd shake his head. "Last time I checked ziskeit..."
๐Ÿป He'd beckon you up to come and sit with him and hold you snug to his side then he'd want to know why you were so miserable.
๐Ÿป And when you told him about everything he'd not say a word, just hold onto you very very tightly, he'd tuck your head into the crook of his neck and kiss your hair. He would probably hold onto you like that quietly for quite a long time. It would be the cosiest and most comforting of hugs, you'd feel small and snug and so secure held tightly in his big arms as he held onto you for dear life.
๐Ÿป He would probably be a little concerned/upset that you hadn't told him sooner, and he'd want to be careful about understanding you completely.
๐Ÿป But once he did he'd be so reassuring and loving to you hugging you tight in his big arms, he wouldnt shut up about how much he loves you and how its his job to look after you and never ever leave you.
๐Ÿป He would defintely make the promise he knows he can't keep but he'd also tell you he knows he shouldn't make it because he can't really keep it... "now i know its irresponsible to make promises you know you can't necessarily definitely 100% keep however, right now poppet i think its what you need to hear and its what i want to say and i reckon thats as good a reason as any to break my rules yeah? What do you think?"
๐Ÿป"now i dont often ask you to torture your old man reminding him that there have been other men in your life but... I what i wanna know right... Is why someone as sweet and lovely as you, could possibly think that someone who loves you very much... Cause i do yeah, i love you very much... Could possibly leave you..."
๐Ÿป "poppet i ain't even gonna leave you when i die right, I'm gonna follow you around everywhere, fucken watchin over you every day for the rest of your life yeah"
๐Ÿป Alfie would take you and everything about your relationship so seriously. He'd do lots of things to remind you of his devotion to you. I kind of feel like acts of service are his love language and like just looking after you and providing for you and spoiling you are how he'd want to show you how he values you.
Arthur
๐Ÿ‚ Arthur definitely has abandonment issues of his own and therefore your relationahip would be intense, perhaps volatile to begin with, before you understand one another completely.
๐Ÿ‚ Once you work out you're both just scared of the same things you'd stop fighting or getting paranoid about one another and you'd come together stronger than ever before.
๐Ÿ‚ You would stick to one another like glue, completely devoted to eachother. Arthur would view you as his saving grace, he'd treasure you and be so protective.
๐Ÿ‚ He'd never want to let you out of his sight. Which would be fine because you wouldn't want to leave his side for even a second.
๐Ÿ‚ He would definitely have his own issues about not abandoning others too so he'd be very reassuring, loyal and determined not to leave you on your own ever, or let you doubt his feelings for you.
๐Ÿ‚ There would be lots of tearful dramatic promises of his love and devotion.
๐Ÿ‚ But it would always be worded like "Its you and me now eh sweetheart, we're gonna be alright, we're gonna look after eachother, we're never gonna leave one another alone, yeah you and me right..."
๐Ÿ‚ Holding your hand super tight out in public. Always having you tucked under his arm
๐Ÿ‚ Coming home drunk and dropping to his knees to confess his undying love for you, as if its the first time he's confessing his undying love for you
๐Ÿ‚ I can't state enough how dramatic and intense this relationship would be. You'd both need one another so hard, but as a result youd both always feel needed. You'd know your worth 100%
๐Ÿ‚ But if you did argue they'd be volatile and you'd both really hurt one another, because you'd both be so scared that the other was going to leave, that fear would make you clumsy emotional and youd both say stuff you dont really mean
๐Ÿ‚ You'd both do lots of crying i guess, but when you do make up again it would be just as passionate as the argument.
๐Ÿ‚ The make up sex would be intense ya know?
๐Ÿ‚ I feel like he'd need lots of eye contact, not just in sex but like just in day to day life, youd constantly be looking at one another only to find the other looking back, so your day would be scattered with these sweet moments of quiet connection, both of you blushing or smiling because youve been caught watching your lover.
๐Ÿ‚ Arthur is actually very good at talking about his feelings, hes just never been given the chance to before. Even tommy shuts down those conversations, so Arthur would be scared to tell you how he feels at first... Once he knows he can though he will always be honest about his feelings and you'll know you can talk to him about anything. The two of you would share all your deepest darkest emotions, trusting in eachother completely. You would be eachothers rock.
๐Ÿ‚ You would obviously eventually have been honest with him about your childhood and your past relationships and whatever it is that's left you with all these issues and fears... And whether its a boyfriend, a father a mother whatever.. Arthurs going to hold grudges against anyone who has ever hurt you
๐Ÿ‚ If it was an ex or a father, he can't promise they'll live much longer...
John
๐ŸŒผ John wouldnt notice at first, its not as of hes completely emotionally immature, because hes very mature when you need him to be, its just that generally speaking hes still very boyish...
๐ŸŒผ So your fears go unnoticed by him to begin with. Over time however he does notice the way you hold onto him for a moment longer than is natural, how sometimes you get teary eyed just saying goodbye to him in the morning when he's off to work
๐ŸŒผ And its impossible not to notice how upset you get when he's a little late home in the evenings... You really struggle when he doesn't come home on time... Your mind starts wandering to all those terrible possibilities... That something could have happened to him when he was out with the lads...he could be injured, lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life... Already dead, abandoned in an alley bleeding out.
๐ŸŒผ The relief which washes over you when he comes through the front door leaves you shaking and when he pulls you in for a quick kiss he sees the light catch the tears in your eyes...
๐ŸŒผ "Whats the matter love has something happened?" when he asks you you try to be brave, shake your head and lie, tell him youve just got dust in your eyes as you turn away from him and busy yourself with dinner
๐ŸŒผ But john doesnt really know how to leave something alone and he'll keep pressing you on it, especially when you say "really john its nothing, just being daft.."
๐ŸŒผ Hed get all serious then, cupping your cheek in his hand, turning your gaze back towards him. "Nah flower, dafts not like you... Youre not daft.. Talk to me love, whats wrong?"
๐ŸŒผ "Its nothing really i just... When youre late home like that and i dont know where you are i get worried dont i, you know me mimd starts wandering and i get to thinkiny somet awfuls happened to you... That maybe youre not coming home at all and then i stsrt thinking about how i dont really think i could handle that like, if you didn't come home one day..." youd tell him all about how scared you are of him leaving you alone in this world, that you kind of feel doomed in a way, because everyone youve ever known has left you one way or another and youre so scared that one way or another he's going to end up leaving you too...
๐ŸŒผ And John would listen to you, quietly, thoughtfully, his brows knitting together because he's concentrating and taking you so seriously.
๐ŸŒผ He would be so soft with you, holdong your face in his hands, looking you deep in the eyes.
๐ŸŒผ Like Alfie, super soft, makes you promises he knows he might not be able to keep but can't stabd to see you sad.
๐ŸŒผ Kind of wants to be around you all the time
๐ŸŒผ Takes being your man very seriously and will try very hard not to give you reasons to doubt him.
๐ŸŒผ Imagine him taking your face in his hands, his eyes locked with yours as he tells you "you're the most important person to me in this whole world and I'm not going anywhere, I'm never leaving you flower, not for anything..."
๐ŸŒผ He knows he shouldnt make promises he doesn't know whether he can keep, but he supposes he'll just have to do his best to keep them.
๐ŸŒผ Which means being less reckless and more thoughtful, he'd mature a little bit, wouldn't needlessly put himself at risk.
๐ŸŒผ He would be curious to know what happened to you to leave you with your fears but he wouldn't push you to talk about it. He doesnt like to be reminded that you were ever anyones but his, not just because youre his girl, but because he gets frustrated that there were times in your life when you needed him and he wasn't there because you hadnt met yet.
๐ŸŒผ So to make up for that he just tries to be there for you as best he can now, as your protector, always reassuring you hes there to look after you and love you whenever you need him.
Bonnie
๐Ÿ€ The softest most gentle boy in the world. He'd be upset by what you were telling him. It would be a lot to take in and he'd be blaming himself for your fears thinking it was something he'd done to make you feel that way
๐Ÿ€Wordlessly wrapping his arms around you, pulling your whole body into his lap, tight against his chest, squeezing you reassuringly and lovingly, his face buried in the crook of your shoulder.
๐Ÿ€ He'd nuzzle into you and the two of you would be quiet, you sniffling into his chest trying to stop yourself from crying. Him unable to cry but feeling like he wants to.
๐Ÿ€ He'd probably apologise to you which would confuse you...
"I'm sorry little dove,"
"What? Why are you sorry Bon its not..."
"Well i obviously haven't been there for you enough lately if you're getting scared like this... M'sorry if i havent been doing enough to y'know... Show you how much i love you..."
๐Ÿ€ You'd be so shocked by his words you wouldn't know what to say but you'd kiss him softly and try to explain it isn't really his fault at all, but he probably wouldn't accept that there wasnt anything he could have done... Because he thinks he should have been there for you more, told you he loves you more ect...
๐Ÿ€He would kiss your forehead and then rest his against yours, promising you the whole world, telling you how much he adores you, how everything he does is for you, how he wouldn't want to live if he lost you
๐Ÿ€It would be intense but ever so sweet, him playing with your fingers whilst he spoke, lying back and bringing you down with him, letting you calm resting against his chest.
๐Ÿ€He's so devotional, he is always telling you he's yours and youre his girl, starts saying "my little dove" instead of just little dove
๐Ÿ€ Makes a point of being just a little more possesive around the fire in the evening when other lads try to flirt with you he'll proudly tell the whole world youre his. He'd want to have you near him at all times and probably stick to you like glue. Always holding your hand or putting his arm around you.
๐Ÿ€ He would talk to you about your feelings even if its not the easiest thing in the world, he'd lie awake with you at night, playing with your hair and listening to you as you told him what had happened to you in your past, why you're so scared of being abandoned...
๐Ÿ€ He'll take you seriously... Obviously.. But to hide any difficult feelings stirred inside him at hearing how youve been hurt, he'll make a joke about beating whoever hurt you up, "yeah you just tell em to meet me in the ring my little dove, teach em a lesson they wont forget..."
Issiah
๐Ÿ€Is a charmer and a flirt and although he is completely committed to you, his girl, he will struggle not to flirt with the odd girl in a bar or smile and wink at someone he catches checking him out
๐Ÿ€And you dont want to be annoyed at him for it because you dont want him to think youre one of those crazy, uncool, possesive girls
๐Ÿ€But youre just scared he might actually get bored of you one day and just decide on a whim to abandon you right there in the middle of the garrison in exchange for one of those prettier girls
๐Ÿ€You would end up arguing about it, you making petty bitchy remarks until he snaps at you, and honestly the second he does youd burst into tears unable to hide your real feelings.
๐Ÿ€"Please don't leave!" the words would come out before you could stop them and youd feel completely pathetic and worthless, but he'd just look at you with a frown on his face, no longer angry just confused and... Concerned.
๐Ÿ€"Why the fuck would you say that?" he'd ask slowly, he knows the answer but he doesn't really believe it... Surely you don't actually believe he'd abandon you?
๐Ÿ€He'd do a lot of realising very very quickly, frowning deeper when he realises that yes, that is in fact exactly what you think.
๐Ÿ€You wouldn't be able to stop your crying, you'd be so upset and half expecting him to walk out there and then.
๐Ÿ€"If you're gonna go then fucking do it already Isaiah stop looking at me like that!"
"Like what?" "Like you fucking hate me!"
๐Ÿ€After that he wouldn't exactly know what to do with himself, sure he's good at charming girls, but he doesn't really know how to get them to stop crying... Or to believe him when he says i love you. Usually they just do.
๐Ÿ€He'd take your hands kind of hesitantly, not shy but just uncertain, he doesnt want to fuck this up and make it even worse
๐Ÿ€And then he'd give your hands a squeeze and probably just try to speak from the heart.
๐Ÿ€"I don't hate you mousy, i dont know why you think that but i dont, i couldnt possibly hate you and I'm definitely not gonna fuckin leave you..."
๐Ÿ€You wouldn't know whether to believe him at first, looking up at him from under watery eyelashes, sniffling and blushing slightly.
๐Ÿ€"Ever?" youd ask and he'd smirk down at you affectionately, "Ever." he'd confirm kissing your nose and stroking your hair.
๐Ÿ€He'd ask you why you thought he would want to leave you, but he can't really say he's surprised. "You know none of that flirting means anything, its just part of the deal aint it... Being one of birminghams most charming criminals..." he'd joke to try and reassure you but when he sees it isnt working he'd be serious again. "I love you and only you and you know I'd die for you so i dont see why youre so scared I'm gonna walk out on us..."
๐Ÿ€"Dying is a sort of leaving too ain't it Isaiah..."
๐Ÿ€He really wouldn't know how to reassure you then, he'd chuckle nervously.. "Love you do realise who i am right? What i am..." "You know what I'm involved in... With the Peakys..."
๐Ÿ€"Even so..."
๐Ÿ€I don't think he'd promise you he wasn't going to die, i think he'd just try to make sure you knew he wouldn't leave you of his own choice. He wouldn't want to make a promise you'd live to regret.
Michael
โ˜˜๏ธ Doesn't understand at first. And i do think you would have quite an intense argument about it. Not loud and shouting at one another but quiet and guarded and trying to be polite
โ˜˜๏ธ Because Michael views himself as a gentleman and would be offended that you'd think he would ever cheat on you or abandon you because that would be improper and he views himself as above that
โ˜˜๏ธ "is that really how little you think of me? Is that really how poorly you think i view you? You think i have such little respect for my girl that I'd just up and leave her?" his voice would be tight and sharp and he wouldn't be looking at you. He'd be wounded and taking it very personally
โ˜˜๏ธ"Thats...thats not what i meant its not like that at all..." youd be struggling to get your words out or explain what you really meant, "i just..." he wouldn't be listening to you, instead hed be getting more wound up by the second thinking in stupid circles, worrying that you were going to leave him.
โ˜˜๏ธ "Then what is it like y/n cause right now it sounds like youre accusing me of something i havent even thought about doing... Sounds to me like youre the one looking for reasons to leave..."
โ˜˜๏ธ Tears streaming down your face as you stare back at him in shock, you're panicking, you can hardly breath
โ˜˜๏ธ But michaels just being cruel now, saying it to test you, he's watching you crumble and taking reassurance from it, its evidence enough that you love him, that you don't want to leave him, your fear is genuine.
โ˜˜๏ธ "Tell me y/n if youre so scared I'll leave you why don't you do yourself a favour and leave first eh? Save yourself all that heartache?"
โ˜˜๏ธ "You... You don't really mean that michael i know you don't..." "Yeah?" michael is a bastard, he likes how much you need him and he wants you to be dependent/scared to lose him.
โ˜˜๏ธ So then he'd soften, he'd come close to you, hands on your hips, holding you in his palms as he strokes his thumbs over your hips. "Listen Y/n whoever else you've known before, anyone whose let you down in the past... They're in the past. You're mine now remember? And I'm a good man y/n i really am, I treat you right, i treat you like a princess don't i? Even if i do bad things to other people right, even if I'm one of the worst men in new york city... I'm your man and thats never going to change... So youd better get used to that"
โ˜˜๏ธAll of this being said, michael knows how to make you feel loved, how to reassure you. Perhaps he didn't realise before how much reassurance you needed, but now that he understands this he is nothing but kind and sweet and good to you. He always was of course but now he makes an extra effort.
โ˜˜๏ธHe makes a point of telling you he needs you, or telling you he needs to see you. He'll call you into his office telling you its important, then, when you arrive all flustered and concerned, he'll just smile and say he needed to see his girl.
โ˜˜๏ธ He'll always have a hand on you somewhere, your thigh under the table, your hand, his arm around your waist. He becomes physically even more possesive in an attempt to show you he isn't going anywhere.
โ˜˜๏ธ He will make the promise he can't keep because he is arrogant and truly believes he can promise he's never going to get killed.
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queercatessays ยท 5 months
Text
For nearly 20 years I didn't realise I had a personality disorder
As a teenager, I knew it wasn't normal to think the entire world was your enemy. I knew it wasn't normal to feel utterly empty inside, to feel like the whole world was behind glass, out of reach. I never knew who I was, or what I wanted. I wanted whatever my favourite person wanted. I existed through others, like a shadow.
I had empathy, but no morals. If it didn't affect me, it didn't matter. I was never violent, but inside I was always angry, so I got good at lying. I'd say for a long time nearly every word out of my mouth was a lie in some way. If I told the truth, it was only to shock people, or to hide something that REALLY made me vulnerable. But normally I was quiet, and because I was quiet, no one really noticed me, till my emptiness became so absolute I finally saw a psychiatrist. You'd think a psychiatrist would immediately recognise the problem. They didn't. I saw 10 experts at the youth mental health center, none of whom could diagnose me with anything. In the end they settled on autism, which is true but not the whole picture. I went on with my life, hating everyone around me, feeling like I must be the only person on earth who feels this way. I felt like an alien, barely human, but at the same time I felt like I was a god, better than everyone around me. I was everything and nothing. I saw counsellor after counsellor for my mental health issues, but they were all terrible listeners, and I was belligerent patient. I never did get any help for my problems, which included all manner of self-destructive behaviour, including eating disorders. But, somehow, over time, through finding people who could accept the mess of a person I am, I was able to heal. I'm not normal, nor will I ever be - or want to be. I still have black and white thinking - friend or enemy, no in-between. I still get suspicious of people and even as I write this I'm full of paranoia (another thing I've had for 20 years), and honestly, I might always feel like an alien. But I'm not alone anymore, and I'm not full of pain 24/7. And it's been a lot easier to deal with all this since I met a friend who happens to have BPD and ASPD. They were talking to me about their experiences, and I tell you now I related to every word. It shocked me, cos I imagined people with personality disorders were violent abusers, which of course I wasn't (despite wishing murder on the entire planet back in the day lmao). The propaganda had got into my head. But when they talked me through things, I realised yeah, I definitely have something. Probably BPD with ASPD traits, or the other way round, but I've not got a diagnosis and honestly, with the way I've been treated, I have no interest in getting one. It's enough for me to be on here reading people's posts and knowing that hey, there are people like me out there. That's why I'm writing this, too. In case someone out there needs to hear it. If you're relating to all these personality disorder posts, then trust yourself. And if you're having an awful time, wondering if there can ever be a way forward, then trust me: there is. I believe in you. My brain is completely and utterly fucked, but I'm still here, and I don't intend on leaving any time soon. All my love to everyone struggling with these stigmatised conditions. We've got this <3
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rawliverandgoronspice ยท 7 months
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If Ganondorf was lying to anyone during that Wind Waker speech, heโ€™d be lying to himself. The gerudo desert was indeed harsh, and Hyrule sucked during his time, but legit everything he did in Ocarina of Time is completely unjustifiable, except for the murder of the King of Hyrule. The man sat in luxury for 7 years with monsters surrounding the land, while his people remained in the desert. Yet at the end of the day, he believed that he had every right to do all of that.
Self-justification isnโ€™t a trait thatโ€™s outright noticeable with Ganondorf, but Wind Waker puts it out in the open and shows that yes, the self proclaimed โ€œKing of Evilโ€ truly believes heโ€™s deserving of the world, and that his circumstances justify his crimes.
I feel like the fandom misses that while Ganondorf may not be this complex 5d villain, he still carries an interesting amount of traits like this
Hey, thanks for the ask!! I'm sorry, I haven't slept in over 24h and felt particularly rhapsodic today so uhhhh sorrryyyyy for being cringe about my little guyyyyyy (and the approximate use of English language that might ensue)
So yeah, I think there's absolutely a huge part of that, trying to make sense of the violently absurd situation he found himself in, a monster and one of the last people who remembers Hyrule and how it was destroyed, and rationalizing to himself why it is not meaningless.
I have to say, not to be uhhh a parody of myself, but I think it could be a little bit more complicated than that (all of it being interpretations of the text that I don't think canon entirely backs always, but my point is that it could be read out of it).
If Ganondorf wanted any meaningful chance to reshape his own reality, then there's no doing that without access to the Triforce. If he had wanted to go for the King's head and nothing else, he would have been stopped immediately by everybody who do have access to shards of the keys to the Sacred Realm (not to mention how trigger happy Zelda was about wishing ????? something to the Triforce about erasing him in some form). I don't think it would have been reasonable to aim for anything but the Triforce as a military goal --not to mention that his beef is half with Hyrule, and half with the Goddesses themselves for considering the gerudos beneath them in some form and for some reason (which becomes even more apparent and deranged in Wind Waker, as part of why he can't let go of Hyrule in my opinion is because their intervention was so violent he simply cannot wrap his head around it and, as usual, Will Not Be Defeated >:((( because he's that kind of bitter little shithead, which I uhhhh relate to a little too much maybe). And then, well. You can't exactly ask for the Triforce and be nice about it, right?
I'm not saying he wasn't gleefully horrible about it the entire time, but I can absolutely see a case of him being self-centered enough to see each of his actions as the necessary (or righteous/vengeful) next step to get closer to his goals, and one thing leads to the other, and after seven years of strife, well, the kingdom you wanted to rule is a pile of rubble, ash and misery you enforced at every step, and oops! You have alienated absolutely everyone who aren't your weird moms!
There's a ton of things to say about the many interpretations that could be made of his relationship to the gerudos so I won't over-expand on that, but, uhhhh yeah he probably used them, or at the very least ruled them with an iron fist to enforce his own power he believed unquestionnable (even if the goal was genuinely to do things for their sake, which in my opinion could still be argued --Hyrule is a big nightmare place during his reign, but the Valley is the only location basically untouched with arguably Kakariko after all).
To be honest, I think TP Ganondorf is more accursed with a sense of self-justification than WW Ganon, who has a surprising amount of clarity on his own motives (to restate my tags on a post I just reblogged: I don't think "I coveted this wind, I suppose" is particularly self-pitying, it's soberingly self-aware if anything). TP Ganon is the one who's obsessed with divine purpose and considering himself a weird take on the Chosen One.
But yeah, I think... To be completely honest, I sometimes feel like Ganondorf's potential (!!! not actual execution, very important to draw this distinction) is just kind of too large for the IP that birthed him? The full breadth of his complexity cannot be explored in a setting that demands he merely generates a simple conflict that doesn't seriously question the status quo while everything about him inherently begs for it (and I love Zelda and its simplicity and what it does, to be very clear!). Like, I know this is just me justifying my own investment to a degree, but... his relationship to the gerudo culture, his relationship to gender, to divinity, to fate, to self-definition, to absolute resistance grinded down to the point of absurdity (but at the same time, what else is there to do)... like all of this absolutely has potential to be large and epic and breathtaking, but. Nintendo needs to preserve the statut quo. And Ganondorf just cannot express all of these themes without having this simple world literally collapse around him.
This is what I find incredibly compelling about this dramatic disaster of a guy. And the very media that suggested all of these contradictions and inner conflicts (without necessarily understanding them at first I think) is now fighting tooth and nail against what it introduced, what he can embody and once questioned (in WW most potently) for the sake of Hyrule's moral balance, backpedalling into a state of simplicity that just never truly existed to that degree before --partially, in my opinion, because this conflict is scary to face heads on without taking significant artistic risks I am not confident we will ever see again, to be uhh less than optimistic.
So yeah! He isn't that complicated as the villain of the children video games for sure!! But. As a character, there's so much there, just sitting right under the surface.
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yanmaresu ยท 1 year
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Viego! Not my favorite LoL character but he's interesting. I saw him when he was first released and followed his lore for a little bit. The event he was a part of was lackluster (Or so I heard) but the character is pretty solid if anything. If you applied his backstory to Malleus, Idia or [Insert Supernatural Being Who Has The Ability To Defy Death], you could get something that might rival your mermaid au.
ยฟrival? (ใƒป_ใƒป;)
Tbh Viego is a weird case for me because I hate the guy for no reason, but still love his character to pieces, it's very solid like you said. Also his latam spanish voice is 11/10 he sounds so pathetic and desperate
Because Viego is vain, self-centered, manipulative, low-key delusional, can't accept rejection, he's obsessive, and irresponsible..! But he's also a romantic, a lover, the kind to worship you, and a very loyal one. You can see it in all of his actions, from ignoring his duties as king and acting solely to please his wife, to starting wars just for the possibility to see her once again. Even after death, Viego just ignores Isolde killed him and keeps trying to bring her back to life against her will, all while destroying the world around him as he thinks of himself as some kind of Orpheus saving his Eurydice.
Anyway with that said if I had to apply Viego's storyline to any twst character, it would be yandere!Leona. Not completely the same, but most of it. (๏ผ›โŒฃฬ€_โŒฃฬ) I can see Leona being disliked enough by the royals in his country so they try to kill him, just to accidentaly end with his darling instead. Ruggie always loyal to Leona could take Kalista's place. Finally, Leona is selfish enough as to start a war and march towards the gates to the underworld while the system to protect them is still weak. Also, the whole duality of "wanting to conquer the whole world/ I'm hurting" could apply very well to him.
I like to think the darling is fucking terrified to be brought back not because they are confused, but because at least in death they were free from Leona. Also, the idea of Leona waking up a thousand years later, and everyone being terrified of him and the mist, except for one person is interesting. Malleus can't help but pity someone who he knew before death consumed him.
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femmespoiled ยท 2 years
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I'm new to the lesbian scene, I was jw what do butch and femme really mean? (Regarding your post yesterday)
Hi! I'm sorry I took a couple days to get to this, I've been wondering how to best, in the most complete way, address this, in the sense that I've answered this a few times and I keep adding more and more each time, it never seems like quite enough. I talked to my girlfriend, a fellow femme about this and she told me "I was thinking that you could surely write it just from your head and heart!" and she's right, I could, but to talk about these identities and pass only the subjectivity of my experiences and the bit of knowledge I have wouldn't do it justice. I will talk about it from those angles though, don't worry. I thought I could share bits and pieces of books that helped shape me into the femme I am today, I have mentioned those before, but I found myself with too many pieces, over 90, and I think that's too many for one post, so here and now I will promise to share those with you, not in this post, but in this blog and I believe sharing different experiences will help the general understanding. I am only one femme and my experience isn't universal, so we shall share the knowledge.
I have answered a similar ask before, here , hopefully the link works, if I miss anything, my butch/femme tag is also here, there I have a lot of resources there.
Butch and femme are complex and subjective identities (there are so many ways to be butch and femme , it's not one size fits all because everyone is a little different), and it's important to me that I don't diminish them into aesthetics, because I want people the understand that the center of butch and femme isn't looks.
Here's the center of these identities for me, what unifies us all, regardless of subjectivity, is that at the end of the day they are about community, about being there for each other, about taking care of each other, about finding safety in each other's arms when the world is still shitty towards you, about protecting one another in any way that you can and making sure they feel that sense of belonging in our community. Butch and femme are two sides of the same coin facing struggles and fighting to protect our counterparts however we need to.
In this case, I'll talk about these identities in lesbian communities.
Butch is authentic, transgressive, beautiful is its own ways, it's taking masculinity that for a long time was seen as only belonging to men and making it their home, their comfort, finding their true self there and giving it their very own meanings, much like femmes' femininity, their masculinity isn't one size fits all and it shows itself in different ways. Femme, for me, is taking femininity and making it your own, presenting yourself for others in your community, femme is strong, it's brave, it's fierce, it's demanding when we need it to be, it's making your voice heard for your sake and for others, because that's the important bit, it's all about community. Femme is being safety and community to butches and vice versa. Being femme is being proud. Femme is taking care of your community, it's making a home together where we all belong.
Butch and femme are about subversion and belonging.
It's not that without a butch I am not femme, or that we're necessarily attached, it's that their existence fosters my femmeness and brings it to its full potential, my place of belonging. Butches in general bring us something to contrast against while going both in the same direction.
The notion of that dynamic is important in its existence and application, regardless of romantic inclinations, the contrast, the mutual support and protection and uplifting, still should exist, being possible and necessary, while in a butch for butch or femme for femme, butch or femme4both relationship, etc.
Therefore those identities meet in their very own representation of lesbian gender and being there for each other.
Now I want to address a few misunderstandings I've seen about these identities*:
- you don't have to be tall to be a butch. There are no height restrictions in the butch identity, as far as I'm concerned. Short butches are still butches and beyond valid, your height doesn't determine how butch you are. The inverse is also true, femmes do not have to be short and petite, no height restrictions for us either.
- you don't have to be attracted to butches to be femme or to femmes to be butch, again not a requirement, but it's important to understand this is your community, regardless of romantic inclinations, the mutual support and protection and uplifting are deeply rooted in these identities, that is important.
- butch doesn't equal top/femme doesn't equal bottom. Butches do not have to be tops, butches do not have to be dominant, butches are not aggressive, at least none of the ones I know and have read about, butches don't have to have these characteristics attributed to "traditional"/stereotypical masculinity. These can be harmful stereotypes at times. Neither are femmes inherently submissive and agreeable to everything.
- in talking sexuality, stone butch and stone femme identities/dynamics/relationships are actually healthy and reciprocal, they're not selfish. And those boundaries should be respected. I have more about these in the butch/femme tag.
- femmes aren't always gender confirming. It is very frustrating for me that people still believe this, I'd say, more often than not, femmes are gender nonconforming, we can have complicated relationships with gender just like butches.
- you don't have to be physically strong to be butch. The butch identity isn't about your muscles. While I'm here talking about bodies, butches and femmes don't have to be white and thin, people of colour who have those identities are amazing, fat butches and femmes are such an important part of our community and history. Oh and disabled butches/femmes, you are so loved and valid.
In fact, when I talk about butch identity towards people of colour it reminds me of this piece from Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme:
hopefully readable, though I think you have to click on them to do so
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- continuing, femme isn't hyper feminine all the time or even at all for some of us, butch isn't rough and tough and hyper masculine all the time or again, even at all. And that goes into what i said, those identities aren't looks, some femmes find comfort in hyper femininity, some femmes have a different version of their own femininity and that's okay, same goes for butches, there isn't a requirement of how masculine or feminine you have to be, masculinity and femininity are what you make of it, these concepts go through our experiences in life, our notions of self, etc.
- oh mind you, for some authors the idea of butch and therefore femme, in and of itself, is beyond the cisnormative standards. All of this to say, trans butches and femmes, you belong here. You're part of our history, to say that you don't is to ignore the importance and the work the trans community put in to get us here.
- butches can do whatever they want with their hair, wearing makeup doesn't make them less butch, not wearing makeup doesn't make femmes less femme, having short hair doesn't make femmes less femme, wearing clothes not traditionally considered feminine doesn't make you less femme.
At the end of the day each butch and femme are unique, you won't ever find one exactly like the other and that's what makes those identities beautiful.
*Of course I'm not covering all of them, there are just so many, but here's a few I've seen a lot and that were pointed out to me.
ID under keep reading.
ID: image 1 - text reading:
"While focusing on demonstrating butch and female masculinity's epistemological origins, many feminist theorists have interpreted butch as a way of "knowing, interpreting, and doing lesbian gender." Ontologically, these lesbian genders are seen as being "concerned with having an identity, and a kind of true self." Some understand it as both socially constructed "gender performance" and others as representing an essentialized heterosexual, biological, male identity that merely clones the referent. The expressions of one's gendered butch identity are intrinsically linked to culture and race. In Davis and Kennedy's classic Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community, they describe "a new style of butch, a woman who dressed in working-class male clothes for as much of the time as she possibly could, and went to the bar every day, not just on weekends. She was also street wise and fought back physically when provoked by straight society or by other lesbians." The political significance of this emergence lies in the visibility lesbians gained in the 1940s and '50s as World War II reshaped the American landscape, changing women's roles in relationship to work, gender, and family. Butch was a site of resistance to the heteronormative limitations on women. It was a place to embrace one's identity in a public way that allowed for alignment between the public and private self, a way of claiming space with your very presence. There is a long-standing history of butch representations that have helped solidify the iconic image of today's butch. The icon of butch identity was fashioned through historical narratives, poetry, biography, and classic novels such as Radclyffe Hall's The Well of Loneliness, written in 1928 and long considered the most well-known lesbian novel, The Beebo Brinker Chronicles from Ann Bannon, which moved butch into mainstream consciousness in the 1950s, and Leslie Feinberg's Stone Butch Blues, set in the pre-Stonewall era of the 1960s, which solidified the archetype. This "butch raging bull, as Halberstam argues, is meant to "offer masculinity a new champion" drawing on the iconography of the white male boxer. These works created a narrative for what and how butch looks and feels that still holds significant cultural power today. The external signifiers - the class and racial location of these historical accounts and cultural references to bars and customs - locate butch identity. This locating of butchness within a specific culture, class, race, and ethnicity makes it difficult for the masculine of centre person of colour to enter into the narrative without their gender presentation, specifically their version of masculinity, being questioned. Attempts to disrupt this sense of "classical" butch continue to rely on representations and cultural location within whiteness and white notions of masculinity and femininity. As Halberstam points out, there is cultural value in marginalizing masculinities that divert from the master narrative. Even though Halberstam is speaking to heteronormative masculinity here, these diverting narratives have the potential to "dilute" the "authoritative power" of white butchness in the same way. As this narrative is pushed into the mainstream queer consciousness to construct butch identity, many of our experiences are left out. Supporting versions of masculinity that we enjoy and trust, many of these "heroic masculinities" depend absolutely on the subordination of alternative masculinities. This role of the dominant narrative being constructed and circulated while simultaneously preventing alternative narratives is an important factor in establishing fixed understandings of female masculinity and butch."
Image 2 - text reading:
โ€œHalberstam goes on to address female masculinity's relation to whiteness and identifies it as a site of inquiry for "cultural studies" yet does not venture down the road of how the relationship to race critically alters female masculinity as a concept. The challenge in theorizing butch gender and identity is that to determine how it operates, you have to locate it within certain bodies and cultural and sexual practices. These various locations, when analyzed, become fixed and static through the work of the writer exploring their creation and development. A central argument in Female Masculinity is that masculinity "becomes legible as masculinity where and when it leaves the white male middle-class body." While a considerable amount of the analysis explores when and where the narrative departs from the male body, less attention is given to when and where it departs from whiteness. Unlike white female masculinity, female masculinity for womyn of colour is based on sites of power and systemic oppression - through masculinities of colour. The assumption that they can be resignified with equal subversive and revolutionary actions against white manhood is false. The ability to access masculinity pivots upon the ways in which gender intersects with race, and these gaps have been filled with many new ways of naming ourselves. In the last decade, the explosion of young masculine-of-centre womyn has created a demographic shift on the butch landscape, giving way to terms like "stud," "boi," "tom," and "macha" in California and the South, "dom" within the DC, Maryland, and Virginia region, and "aggressives," or "AGS" in New York. These identities represent a redefined female masculinity that is rooted in the experiences of womyn of colour and is more genderqueer than historical interpretations of butch. For some this raises the question: "What is happening to all of our butches?" I think this evolution highlights the fact that, for many of us who came of age ten or twenty years ago, and even called ourselves butches, we never felt fully rooted in that language and space. As a community, we have the opportunity to respond with an open heart to this evolution, ensuring that the legacy of butch as a social, political, and personal space continues to grow and thrive. But we must also concede its limitations. The title of this piece, "Masculine of Centre, Seeks Her Refined Femme," is a heading from the first dating profile posted using the term "masculine of centre." It speaks to both a historical legacy of butch-femme and a longing for a language different and new.โ€
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julietasgf ยท 1 month
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hey its the plinth family anon! i really enjoyed and appreciated your long answers to my questions! I guess only Suzanne knows why on earth Ma stayed with Strabo... I am curious about whether Ma's parents and siblings would have taken her in if she had left Strabo though. In the book, she had one sister who still kept in touch with her so I wonder if that sister would have been willing to take her in if she had left Strabo? Tbh I'd be pretty confused if Ma's parents and siblings didn't want to take her in if she left Strabo because she may have married a scumbag but by leaving him, at least she kinda sees the light and is escaping him? why wouldn't her family want to help her then? I'm so curious about your hcs for how Ma and Strabo met and why Ma is so loyal/in love with him! you mentioned sejanus and coriolanus and keeping the cycle going, so does this mean you hc Ma and Strabo to have met and befriended each other when one of them was going through a hard time? seeing Ma trying to ignore all of Strabo's wrongdoings is making me think of this tiktok i saw where it said something like "you don't have to lie to women, if she likes you enough she'll lie to herself"...it's kinda mind-boggling to me how tightly Ma is clinging onto Strabo, like did this man save her from certain death when they were younger or something???
hello anon!! I'm so glad you appreciated the long answers bc I'm too talkative and if you let me, I'll talk endlessly about this stuff, I actually have to look back and be like "okay, now I'm talking too much, let's stop here" ๐Ÿ˜ญ but I saw that it got accidentally sent your other thoughts, so I'm going to answer both in only this post, I hope that's okay by you :D
there's some stuff in the book that makes me feel like suzanne collins is the type of writer to make the whole background story of side characters, but not show them bc they're unnecessary story wise, you can't tell me she doesn't know exactly what the hell is the plinth backstory in D2 (I think she did it but I just can't prove it....)
I hardly think her family (except, maybe, the sister that still talks to her) would take her in, imo. D2 seem like a district that it's full of proud people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but strabo being a dick is not the worst part of this marriage: is that he betrayed the whole district. the plinths are despised back in two. I think ma's family didn't like him from the start, but he was not the worst; he was the worst when he betrayed everyone, and when she chose to not leave him, she made her choice of who her loyalty lays with. it's with him, not with them. and besides, taking back a plinth (even if it's an ex-plinth) and welcoming her in their home would definitely not be seen with good eyes.
(maybe it's a bit of self-projecting, but where I live, it's much more common for the woman to still keep in contact and close with her family, not the man; I grew up with my cousins from my mother's side and I hardly know anyone from my father's side. siding with your husband in a situation like this would be seen as a BIG offense, something that's very much unforgivable. I could see that being the case)
now, from now on, there's a lot of my personal headcanons and thoughts bc I'm OBSESSED with the plinths and their life in D2:
OKAY SO there's a very, very small and discreet line on the ma plinth study I wrote that goes like: "vesta had dreams, even if her father rolled his eyes at most of them." I actually plan to write something from strabo's pov and explore more about this, but basically, I think ma plinth had a not very good relationship with her parents, and most of all, with her father (the cycle keeps on cycling). I think her family was overprotective and she felt suffocated (I think she was the youngest, the baby sibling, and this just made everything much worse). now, I have exactly in my mind how I think they met: ma plinth went with her father to the city center, and her father was searching for a gun to buy to leave at home as a way to protect the family. the plinths didn't have an industry yet; it was little more than a small thing, where they built some modest models to sell. strabo was there. he was talking to her father, and then turned to her and asked if she would like anything. her father made a comment diminishing her, saying that she was too dense to understand about guns, and poor ma was so embarassed even though used to it because her father always do that kind of thing, but to her surprise, strabo plinth didn't laugh. he looked at her father very seriously and said that she looked smart enough to understand about it, and if someone has hands, that person can shoot well.
he was the first person to actually defend her in front of her father from these kind of "jokes" and comments. not even her sisters or her own mother had done that before, all too terrified to say something. and that was enough.
about strabo and his siblings: fucked up shit happened. let's go about my personal hcs about him and his family: he's the only son of his father and his mother, but his mother died and his father married again when he was around 5 or 6. his father and his stepmother had two other kids. he never had a good relationship with his stepmother and he resents his father very much for marrying shortly after the death of his mother (omg cinderella hiiii). strabo was the eldest, he had to basically raise his half-siblings as his father was always at their small industry and his stepmother worked for endless hours. he learned to shoot from a young age to know how to protect them. he didn't hate his half-siblings, but he was tired of having to carry all the responsability on his shoulders, especially when they still had a loving mother while he didn't. it seemed so unfair.
(the sad part is that his half-siblings did look up to him. they loved him. they saw him as an example.)
his father got sick when he was a teen and he started to work hard on their small factory. and strabo has a lot of flaws, but let me tell you something: that man works hard. he worked enough to make their small shop rather famous in D2, and worked enough to pay for everything his father needed to while sick. his half-siblings never were interested in the industry, and neither was his stepmother, so when his father died when strabo was in his late teens, he was pissed off that his stepmother wanted to inherit the factory. they never worked a single day on it while he kept it going on. his half-siblings tried to reason with him, but he was just so angry, and a lot of hurtful things were said. in the end, strabo got the factory, but he left home and never came back. he said things that were too cruel to his half-siblings, the kind of thing that they could never really forgive.
ma is very family-oriented and couldn't really understand why strabo resented his half-siblings so much (specially because she also had family issues, being close with her sisters was what kept her going on), but she tries to have empathy with it, knowing people react in different ways to different things. I can totally see her one day trying to bring the subject of in-laws and strabo just looking so annoyed and resented that she knows that there's bad blood involved.
(it's so ironic to me that she didn't understand how he was so resented with his half-siblings, but in the future, her own sisters were as resented with her)
strabo is genuinely so interesting, I really wish to know what went through his mind, or just know more from his canon backstory, what made him make the choices he made. he's ruthless and cold, he sold guns to people that hated his guts and hated where he's from. he didn't betray a single person, he betrayed his whole PEOPLE. but he seems to care about ma and sejanus to a certain level, in his twisted way. he moved to the capitol thinking about giving them a better life, and still, he's hated by his own son, the one he thought he was protecting by moving to the capitol. ouch.
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kapkant7 ยท 11 months
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While this blog isn't centered around anything in particular beyond whatever I'm obsessing over at the time, it's usually associated with Dead by Daylight. However we are currently in an Attack on Titan era due to me watching the show for the first time. So I decided to take inspiration from Otzdarva's Lore Build videos and try to come up with some lore builds for some of the Attack on Titan skins.
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Note: These builds aren't really supposed to be competitively viable, hell some of these perks are borderline unusable, but I went with what I thought fit the character thematically or encouraged a play style fitting to them. Also I tried to explain certain mechanics for people unfamiliar with Dead by Daylight and listed the characters each perk belongs to in case you aren't sure. So that's why it gets a little wordy lmao. Also some spoilers for the show ahead.
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I struggled with a fourth perk for this, before settling on Rancor I tried it with Iron Grasp and Agitation based off Reiner carrying Eren, Bertolt and Ymir for hours without Eren escaping. So those work too
These Survivor ones got real wordy so er, you might need to zoom in a bit sorry
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Hange my beloved. Fairly self explanatory. Some of the pronoun usage is a little confusing in retrospect in terms of when I'm referring to Hange and when I'm referring to a group but i think you can still get the gist.
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This build works best if the Obsession is Eren, just saying.
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(yeah I don't own the Eren skin yet so I used the artwork sue me. And yes this does look nicer but damn it it's 7am, I haven't slept and I'm not redoing the others, not for 10 years at least) Originally I was gonna make this a pre timeskip Eren build since that's what Dwight is cosplaying, but then I realised all my ideas were "get your ass beat and all four perks kick in on the floor" so I tossed in Dark Sense and Blast Mine as a little bit of edgy war criminal Eren love.
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(Another skin I don't own and another that looks far nicer. Also whoever on the Dead by Daylight wiki made that icon why did they make Levi the chad wojak?) I wanted to avoid perks overlapping otherwise it would've turned into everyone having Lithe, Decisive Strike and Flashbang probably. However I couldn't resist giving Levi and Mikasa Lithe as it fit the two of them I feel. In terms of alternate perk choices for Levi I considered Diversion because of when the threw the chair at Kenny (who's a character I wanted to include but I couldn't think of perks for him) and Adrenaline for fairly obvious reasons. And yes Lithe and Head On conflict but I see plenty of people run them together and somehow always have the one they need ready to go so eh.
There's five characters, five builds. Enough to fill up a lobby. This was spur of the moment at 3am so it's not very pretty looking and might not be entirely coherent but I think it gets the information across. I really enjoyed coming up with these as a newly created shameless AOT fanboy and multi year prisoner of Dead by Daylight.
Here's part 2 featuring The War Hammer Titan, Annie, Armin, Historia and Kenny
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I'm just waiting for the Episode of Savanaclaw to show little Leona and the little lion getting his hopes and dreams crushed by everyone around him.
Also, this might sound weird but I always thought Leona and Dominique from The Case Study of Vanitas were kinda similar. Their both the youngest child of high-standing families and were viewed as inferior towards their older sibling(s) (In Dominique's case, 2 older half siblings and deceased older twin brother). But in the end, Dominique realised that her cryokinesis is actually way more powerful than even her older half siblings' because hers aren't violent like those of her half-siblings.
Now, I'm not saying Leona's parents are abusive/cruel (though it could be a possibility) and told Leona "You're brother can already do this, why can't you?" or "Falena's already unlocked his Unique Magic, why're you so slow?" (that's the servants' job) but it wouldn't surprise me if they did accidentally said something insensitive (or Leona misinterpreted what they were really trying to say) to Leona that crushed his already crippling self-esteem issues.
Maybe Leona tried to tell his parents how badly he wanted to be king and they said something along the lines of "You're brother's already going to be the king, so stop whining. You've been given everything you wanted." or "Falena's going be the next king and you can't change that." And maybe that finally caused him to snap and start being apathetic towards everything.
Again, this is just a theory I have and it may not happen. Hell, I probably got a few things wrong about Leona's character and backstory.
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Iโ€™ve only read like one volume of The Case Study of Vanitas I won it in a raffle haha and I donโ€™t know if Iโ€™ll continue reading it so ๐Ÿ˜… not sure if I 100% get all the details about Dominique and how she parallels Leona. I like Vanitas x Jeanne only because Jeanne hates his guts while Vanitas simps for her and itโ€™s so funnyโ€”
Personally, I've never thought of Leona's parents as playing a particularly significant role in his trauma (mainly because the game never showed either of them in his flashback, nor did it indicate the parents as being the center or the โ€œtriggerโ€ that made Leona lose hope in himself). The focus of the flashback was on servants and Farena/Falena. The other boys' OB flashbacks also obviously feature major sources for their trauma such as Mama Rosehearts, Azul's bullies, the Viper parents, etc. so if Leonaโ€™s parents did play a big role in him being the way he is, itโ€™s strange that they didnโ€™t show up in his flashback.
Leona's parents are barely even mentioned; I only ever recall one instance where it was said that his dad is ill enough to the point where he cannot lead their country, thus Farena/Falena has to act as king. There is no mention of Leona's mother as far as I can tell, and neither parent has been really characterized. Maybe they'll actually get mentioned in the manga adaptation's telling of Leona's flashback?
I donโ€™t doubt that maybe the parents may have said a few insensitive things here and there offhandedly (because everyone naturally makes missteps), but I donโ€™t know about outright telling Leona to โ€œstop whiningโ€ or โ€œwhy are you so slowโ€. Thatโ€™s justโ€ฆ very blatantly rude to tell anyone, let alone your own child. Iโ€™m not saying itโ€™s not possible for a parent to say such a thing, but I think itโ€™s a bit of a leap in logic to suggest that parents we barely know about would.
I totally buy that Leona would get pissed off and lash out at his parents for misinterpretations on his part though. When his self esteem is already low and he believes the world is against him, itโ€™ll skew his perception of othersโ€™ words and actions as negative too. We most clearly see this exemplified when Leona acts bitter towards Farena/Falena, in spite of his older brother showing actually showing Leona a lot of genuine support. Iโ€™m more inclined to believe that the parents were also pretty supportive and well-meaning (if Farena/Falena is of any indication), but that Leona interpreted their good will as pity and/or backhanded compliments, or that they could never understand his plight. Iโ€™d at least like to think they were a little more tactful/wise with their wording rather than sound annoyed every time Leona expressed a grievance ๐Ÿ˜” Alternatively, the parents were probably just never around much due to royal duties, so maybe Leona felt like he never got that social support from their end.
The nature of Leonaโ€™s struggle is also something thatโ€™s generally seen as more cumulative, rather than there being a single turning point that made him give up on trying. I donโ€™t think you can really point at any singular instance and say, โ€œyes, this part of his past is what made him โ€˜snapโ€™.โ€ Itโ€™s the constant rejection and being beat down by the world and the people heโ€™s trying to get validation from that wears away at his spirit.
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theanimepsychologist ยท 4 months
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Hello any thoughts on the new jjk poster? People at X were confused whether the silhouette featured in the middle is Gojo or Megumi, although most conclude it's Gojo cause it does look like the panel from Shibuya when his reflection showed on the prison realm's eyes.
But, I kinda feel like Gege is being purposely deceptive here (cause that silhouette could really pass off as Megumi as well). For starters, the illustration feels like an overview of the entire Culling Games arc up until the current chap (esp. with Heian form Sukuna featured). And what's been at the forefront of the main cast's goal is to save Megumi (or at least that's how it is in Yuji's case). There's also the thing with Kenjaku's rule that everyone with the exception of Geto and Megumi must die for the CG to end. And feel free to correct me on this cause I may be misremembering/misinterpreting, but I've always thought the rule meant that 'Megumi and Geto must be the only ones left alive in order for the games to end'. So Megumi's survival is also to Kenjaku's best interest. And then we have Sukuna who is currently possessing Megumi, and Gojo and Yuji attempting to 'save' him. So like, the four main guys featured in the poster is involved with Megumi's current predicament one way or another.
Another reason why I think the silhouette isn't Gojo is because by chap 236 I believe he finally got an answer for Geto's question about who Gojo Satoru is, basically gaining enlightenment in death. And that scene of his reflection on the prison realm was moreso symbolic of his identity crisis right? So I think it's weird that a CG themed poster would backtrack on this despite the fact that the Gojo sealed in PR plotline was like how many chapters ago. The narrative and Gojo has moved on basically. And I also think it's redundant to feature Gojo twice in that illustration (esp. cause his unsealing is no longer the focus of the current events).
So I wonder, if the silhouette is indeed Megumi and this might be a hint on how he may come back, is the Prison Realm going to play a role in it?
Interestingly enough, there was a theory I came across before that one of the ways the main cast may go about sealing Sukuna is by using the Prison Realm. And if we're going full on with the symbolisms, and apply Gojo's confusion on his 'identity' being reflected on the PR's eyes, I think Megumi's current state may also mirror that very same concept. In the sense that, with Tsumiki (his moral compass) gone he has to reevaluate himself on a fundamental level. Basically rebuilding his identity from the ground up.
And idk I'm rambling now, I hope I'm making any sense cause I'm pretty shit at explaining my points. Anyways, maybe I'm just missing my boy but I sure do hope the center of that illustration is really Meg instead of Gojo.
I'm assuming you mean this one:
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??
Let me overthink the hell out of it under the cut...
Ok so first thing's first, this is defo another mandala like the one from that jump giga issue with Yuji at the center.
What's relevant about the idea that it is a mandala, is that, in Buddhism they represent the universe and/or Buddhist teachings. I particularly like the idea that a "mandala generally represents the spiritual journey, starting from outside to the inner core, through layers" (Wikipedia).
Similarly, from a psych standpoint, Jung saw the mandala as a symbol of wholeness:
โ€œI began to understand that the goal of psychic development is the self. There is no linear evolution; there is only a circumambulation of the self.โ€
circumambulation... what a word tho
โ€œThe mandala is an archetypal image [that]... signifies the wholeness of the Self. This circular image represents the wholeness of the psychic ground or, to put it in mythic terms, the divinity incarnate in man.โ€
I think I've talked about the Self in an ask before, where the Self (soul) (4) is the total sum of the holy trinity--mind is body is spirit (3).
ehem... you know the drill...
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That said, I do agree with you that I don't think it's necessarily Gojo because, if we're talking about a mandala as a symbol of wholeness, it is redundant to show Gojo twice. Rather, it feels like Gojo is part of said wholeness.
Regarding the "eye" at the center, I do like the idea that it is an eye upon which someone can see themselves reflected the way it happened for Gojo.
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Crack theory here, but what if this is actually about the reader seeing themselves reflected upon the manga--more specifically the four characters drawn on the mandala.
That's just a thought tho.
Regardless of who is meant to be reflected at the center, this particular poster is just loaded with symbolism.
It's kind of interesting you have two "good" guys and two "bad" guys represented in this drawing, so there is very clear yin/yang symbolism in it.
Each side (good and bad) has a character upside down, we also have the good guys not directly facing the audience, while the bad guys directly face the audience.
One of the things that feels very relevant about this particular positioning is that there is a circular motion happening, in other words, you can look at each character in a clockwise or counter-clockwise manner. Why does this matter? Remember that word from Jung's quote? Circumambulation fuck this word is the ritualistic act of moving around a sacred object. In Buddhism in particular, circumambulation is done in a clock-wise manner.
Ok, next layer.
Another VERY prominent symbol is the number four. I already talked about the wholeness of the Self as represented by the number four, but you will also notice the number is repeated in the poster.
In Buddhism, the number four shows up in a lot of motifs... too many to address here. One representation of the number four is the Four Inverted Views, which represent inverted views of Buddhist ideals, but there's also the Four Noble Truths, of which, the 4th truth outlines the method through which we can overcome suffering--that is, following the eightfold path.
The number eight as a motif also shows up with Maho-chan, who belongs to the Eight Legions of divine beings, and whose eight-spoke wheel symbolizes dharma.
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Perhaps not so coincidentally, Maho's wheel is featured in the top left and bottom right hand corner of the poster.
ANYWAYS...
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So this is the thing, right... going back to this idea that a character sees itself reflected in someone else's eyes and defines their identity based on that reflection, whomever is reflected in the eye at the center of the mandala is made whole by all 4 of the characters in the mandala.
What is interesting is that Gojo and Yuji are not looking directly at the audience, while Kenny and Sukuna are. And there's something so entrancing (mandalas are technically meant to put people in a meditative trance) about the way Sukuna and Kenny stare directly at the audience.
Ok, to put it all together though, it's almost like all of these characters make up a whole. To me, the circular motion of the mandala speaks to an exploration of identity through the eyes of these characters.
To bring it back to the idea that a mandala is also a map of spiritual evolution moving in a concentric manner from the outer edges and into the center, it feels like these characters and the themes they represent are but pit stops or stages of psychospiritual evolution on the way to "enlightenment town".
As for Mahoraga's wheel being represented, it speaks to Dharma or cosmic and moral order.
Is Maho's wheel an allusion to Megumi? idk, but I'm going to make a crazy leap of logic here and say that one of the themes at the core of Megumi's character is his gray morality and his dualistic thinking around good and evil.
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With good and evil so clearly depicted by the characters represented, I kind of have to wonder because they are positioned in a cross-type shape. Esoterically, a cross can represent a union of opposites as well.
Anyways... these are my #thought and I rambled too, but hopefully this helps you with your own #thoughts. I feel like you could be on the right track with the idea that Megumi's identity is being rebuilt from the ground up if he is the character reflected at the center of the mandala.
Also, I miss Megumi too, anon... can't wait to see what the suffering he's experiencing makes of him.
Thanks for dropping by ๐Ÿฅฒ.
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spinxeret ยท 6 months
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+ ( Some genuine venting below the cut )
+ ( Listen, I have had one of the worst weeks in a fucking while, and i did not need to have any of that augmented by some stuff RPC wise . I will not say what, I will not say who, and I will not speak in terms that are specific . I don't have any urge to make drama out of something that is based around something that should be a hobby.
Everyone here is a real person. Real emotions. Real thoughts. And I genuinely think some of us forget about that sometimes. I've had moments where I feel I'm guilty of it as well. It happens. We're not perfect. We are at the end of the day, human, and humans are faulted.
That being said, I come on here to write. I come on here to have fun. I come on here to spread the love of one MJ Watson-Parker and the Spidey mythos she comes from. I don't come here for clout, or to be popular . I come here because I want to write . I want to tell stories with people . I love writing fanfiction man, but there's something fun about knowing that the other person can take a scene in a direction you would have never thought of. Bring up a point of emotion or thought that you wouldn't have wrote down. It's made me a better writer because it makes me think outside the box on things.
I've been in the RPC a long time. Long, long time . And honestly, I think the last few years, there's really been this big shift towards just being absolutely self-centered . People don't reach out. People don't send things. People give up on things, or outright ignore things people write for them . I'd always seen people saying it was the case, but you know ? Until the last year or so ? It never happened to me enough for me to notice it .
If I plot with you ? I trust my character with you. I trust my feelings. I trust my ideas. I trust pretty much my goddamn heart with you. And when those ideas go nowhere, or I pour my heart and soul into something and it just becomes obvious there's not energy being matched or given back, or even any attention on it ? It fucking hurts.
I'm tired of being hurt. It makes me truly not want to be here anymore.
Those of you who are true friends on here ? I love you a lot. You are the only reason I stick around anymore.
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chthonic-pain ยท 7 months
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Lately, I've been having some extremely bad luck surrounding my health, and I require a "walker boot" and crutches, but because of many other recent health hiccups that are leaving me with no time to heal before the next injury or otherwise health-risking event happens, I'm too exhausted to walk or use crutches, and walking would further injure my foot anyways.
However, I suspect that I could go back to using crutches within a week, and I also don't want to rob anybody of a wheelchair that they might need more than me. Should I get a temporary wheelchair?
rule #1 of being disabled is that you are allowed to do anything that helps you. if you ever find your brain saying things like "you're taking away resources from people who need them" you need to cut that out. there are enough wheelchairs in the world to go around and if they somehow run out they'll just make more. you ARE the person these things were designed to assist. if they can make your life easier, you're the target audience for these products.
as for whether or not you should personally get a wheelchair, that's something you have to decide for yourself, but i can give you some pointers on what to consider:
think about the terrain where you live. i know some people with the same condition as one another, one uses a wheelchair because he's in the city center, the other doesn't use one because he lives in a rural area without much accessible infrastructure. a chair is incredibly useful for one of these people, but would worsen the other's quality of life because of where they live. it's ass that we have to consider inaccessibility, but if you want to be going outside any time soon, it's important.
how are you managing your pain levels at the moment? are you actually managing, or are you just putting up with what you're used to feeling?rather than think about whether your disability is severe enough, think about the difference a wheelchair would make to your life personally. is that something that would make your life better?
you don't need to use a wheelchair all the time. you can use it once per month, once per year if you like. i had an ambulatory housemate who i lived with for an entire year, and i never saw him use his wheelchair even once. he still kept it close by, just in case. there's no minimum requirement for using a chair.
if you're planning to get a manual chair, what's your shoulder, chest, arm, and back strength like? wheelchair users who self-propel need to carry a lot of weight in their upper body, and if you have something like EDS or a condition that weakens the muscles, that could maybe make things worse. and trust me, if you haven't used a manual wheelchair before, it's more physically taxing than you're probably thinking. you get used to it, but it's almost always a workout.
think about travel. what kind of wheelchair could fit in the car / on a train / through your front door? can you work with a folding frame, or does it need to be rigid?
if you're thinking of getting a power chair, can you plan around your battery life? accommodate for weather conditions?
do you have trusted people in your life who you believe would assist you if you needed help with propelling your wheelchair?
what's your budget? how soon do you need the chair? can you afford the time and money on a custom built wheelchair?
above everything else though, i think the best thing you can do is try using a wheelchair for a while, to test drive it. if you haven't ever used one before it's difficult to imagine what it feels like. see if any friends have spares going that you can borrow, or check in with your doctor or local charities and secondhand shops. chairs can be expensive and it's definitely better to try before you buy especially since they don't work for everyone.
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aprillikesthings ยท 19 days
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OKAY I meant to start earlier in the day but I know once I start it will be difficult to stop lol
but I have some tasty pasta to eat let's go
(how much do you want to bet EVERY EPISODE after this is a two-parter due to the sheer amount of plot bumping into tumblr's images-per-post limit)
s4 ep11 beast island
They're talking about their plan to go to Beast Island and get Entrapta--and side note, the ship goes about as fast as an airplane, judging by the clouds/ocean's movement
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will she tho
(I actually don't know! This is one of those plot points I forgot in part because I marathoned the last season and change of the show almost four years ago lol; like seriously from this point on I can remember random specific scenes but not which order or why they happened; it definitely doesn't help that a couple months ago I watched a bunch of She-Ra humor videos that are all, like, just clips from s5 in no particular order)
(seriously if you're a She-Ra fan they're great, they're especially funny if you're high as balls, which Daci and I were when I was like "hey you have to watch these with me they're hilarious")
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the globe map is throwing some kind of angry alarm and Swift Wind's senses are tingling
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They hit....something!
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points to whomever designed that, it looks really cool, and yes, vaguely menacing
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okay but you were ALSO told that Princesses were all evil soooo
They find Entrapta's mask and a Horde-made skiff and Swift Wind can hear some kinda weird noise
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the ship did call it a Hazardous Materials Disposal Site...
anyway a bug-robot-thing starts to attack them--and Adora can't transform to She-Ra here!
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OH HEY so the droning sound Swift Wind keeps hearing that's super fucking creepy is a Shepard Tone! (more info via wikipedia of course)
("April how do you know so much random shit?" I have ADHD and an internet connection. Also in this case specifically, Alex Hirsch once did an AMA in character as Bill Cipher, and he linked to a Shepard Tone and said it was his favorite song.)
Anyway they're attempting to fight the bug and losing
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:D I KNOW WHO THIS IS :D
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He scares the bug off with magic!! (Shadow Weaver did say he was a powerful sorcerer...)
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dun dun DUNNNN
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okay so I was confused as to how Glimmer was gonna get in there and duh SHE CAN FUCKING TELEPORT ffs
anyway Light Hope is a computer program and you're not the correct input??? you can't just order it to work pfft
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YOU'RE NOT SHE-RA lol
Anyway King Micah hasn't been around other people in a loooong time and is bad with things like "personal space" lol
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they're asking about Entrapta and I love that everyone in this show just Knows that Entrapta is like. Into robots. Sexually.
(I'm not looking right now but SOMEone has to have written a fic of Entrapta just making, like, really wild sex toys or fuckable robots, right? Right???)
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LOL THAT'S HER ALL RIGHT
Entrapta apparently went to the center of the island but Micah is discouraging them from going. The sound Swift Wind keeps hearing is a signal of some kind from the center--
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Apparently the signal is enough to draw people in and drive them mad.
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poor dude
Also he thinks Glimmer is still a child and asks about Angella, and Bow and Adora just do a ๐Ÿ˜ฌ
But they promise to take Micah with them once they find Entrapta and leave
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I dunno I think it's kinda cute
Anyway as they keep walking both of them start having moments of borderline-crippling self doubt
Glimmer's killed the spiders that the Crystal Castle sets on intruders and is still trying to harass Light Hope into talking to her:
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Apparently yelling that she wants to use the Heart of Etheria was the right thing to say
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Back on Beast Island, the signal is getting stronger, Micah is trying to get more information about Glimmer from Bow and Adora, and also they're being hunted by critters:
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There's some kind of distorted speech in the signal (which still mostly sounds like a Shepard Tone), and Swift Wind is frozen in place by it and this is happening--
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CREEPY AS FUCK
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D:
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D:
Adora, trying to convince Micah not to give in, blurts out that Glimmer is Queen, oops
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D:
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D:
oh god there's a flash of light and Adora relives Angella kissing her forehead and telling her "take care of each other," then a bunch of moments of her and Glimmer, then:
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"I won't give up, not on my friends, not on Etheria,"
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--and she transforms into She-Ra :D
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NICE!
The blast frees everyone of the vines and they're back to being themselves
"It wasn't the signal stopping me from being She-Ra, it was me. I was afraid Glimmer was right,"
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"But I promise I'd take care of her--take care of everyone, and I will"
(actually you promised you'd all take care of each other, but whatever; like, this is part of her whole character arc)
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Side note, She-Ra is taller than Micah by like, half a head minimum
The scary critters all run off because some huge monster shows up, the monster opens its metal jaws, and
and I've run out of images with three minutes to go pfft okay hold on
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faytelumos ยท 20 days
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Ghost Pepper Challenge
I think the Carolina Reaper is now the world's hottest pepper? Unless there's been a new one in the past six years.
Anyway, here's more of my favorite little hero, because I can't get enough of her. I wrote this a bit ago, and it's shorter than most of my stuff.
cw: social media, some self-flagellating behavior
---
Brimstone glanced nervously again at the phone camera. Her reflection looked back at her, framed with the social media's window. They weren't streaming yet, but it was just about time. She didn't really see the big deal. Morning Frost insisted it would be fun for people watching.
She looked down again at the plate, a single, half-shriveled pepper laying in the center. Morning Frost had handled it with a paper towel. If she hadn't stood in raging fires and handled molten metal with her bare hands, she might have been nervous about that, too.
Morning Frost came back and set a glass of milk down beside the plate. He smirked and winked at her. "Just in case," he said. "I don't think we'll need it." She nodded and looked again to the phone. Her reflection wasโ€ฆ pitiful. She looked so sad. She glanced down again at the pepper and made an effort to solidify her expression into something more worthy of cameras. When she looked up again, her reflection was stoic and graceful. "Ready?" Morning Frost asked. She flashed him a plastic little smile and nodded. He beamed and reached forward, then hit the little stream button.
They were both silent for a second as they checked to see that the stream was going. A couple comments popped up; people saying hello to Brimstone. She smiled again and waved shyly at the camera.
"Hi, everyone," Morning Frost said, moving back so he was hunched over Brimstone's shoulder to be in the frame. She looked back at him briefly before looking to the phone again. "As you know, I'm trying to get Brimstone out of her shell," he said, "and I thought this would be a fun challenge." Brimstone nodded in agreement, looking again to the pepper. One of Morning Frost's first complaints had been that her official social media page was completely dead, and her fans were doing all of the heavy lifting of keeping her relevant.
Not that she really cared about being relevant. She wasn't a hero because she wanted to be famous.
"As we all know, Brimstone is completely fireproof," Morning Frost went on, "so she shouldn't have any trouble with the pepper." She watched him smile down at her in the video, and she looked up at him and gave a soft smile back. He patted her shoulder softly. "I thought it would be fun to see her eat the world's hottest pepper and not flinch."
She looked down again to the plate, her face getting warm. He was talking like she could do anything. It was just her weird body that kept her from getting burned. It wasn't like she was doing anything, herself.
"Alright," Morning Frost said, giving her another gentle pat, "whenever you're ready." She nodded, glancing up at him, then reached down and picked the pepper up by the stem.
It was crisp and crunchy, like peppers generally were. It warmed her mouth up the instant she bit down, and as she pulled the uneaten half of it away, her lips got hot, too.
The heat crawled up into her cheeks, into her nose, and she stopped after chewing it only three times. She looked down at the pepper, water gathering in her eyes. Her skin was flushed, she could feel it, and she sniffed as her nose began to run.
The inhaleโ€ฆ hurt. She opened her mouth to breathe there, but the air on her tongue hurt. She closed her mouth again, and wiped her nose with her other hand, but the pepper was still on her tongue, and it stung, and it hurt.
It was burning her.
She opened her mouth and lolled her tongue forward, letting the half-eaten pepper fall back onto the plate. Her vision was bleary, and she fanned her face, sweating, skin hot. Morning Frost grabbed the milk and pulled it closer to her, and she grabbed it and took a big drink, remembering that it was supposed to help.
To her amazement, it soothed the worst of the heat. The glass was all but frozen where Morning Frost had touched it, as if he'd chilled it just for her to drink. She pulled the glass away after two greedy mouthfuls, eyes still full of tears, cheeks still burning and tingling. She looked up at the phone, at the blur of comments that were a mixture of laughter and concern. Mostly the latter. Her face was completely red, all the way down her neck and across her ears, even. She looked down at the pepper, shocked that such a seemingly harmless thing could hurt so much. She blinked away some of the tears, then, realizing something, looked up to Morning Frost.
"Is that why you hate spicy food?"
He stared at her, dumbfounded. Her tongue still hurt, still burned (what an awful feeling), and she took another modest drink of her milk while looking at the screen. Everyone was laughing now.
put that on a t shirt
๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚!
DEAD
Called ooouuut!!!!!
lmAOOOO
Brimstone looked down at the plate again. She hadn't swallowed a single bit of the pepper. It was all there, all of it. She hadn't actually done the challenge. She'd just taken a bite and immediately spat it all out.
Morning Frost grabbed the edge of the plate as if to take it away, and she grabbed his wrist, fast but gentle. She had told everyone she was going to do this. Sheโ€ฆ she didn't want to back down.
"BB?" Morning Frost whispered.
"I'm gonna eat it," she said, "I just need a second."
"Brimstone," Morning Frost almost hissed, "if it actually hurts to eat, it can fuck up your stomach." She shook her head, and the air on her tongue while talking still hurt a little.
"Regular people can eat these," she said.
"Brimstoneโ€”"
"It's okay." She looked up at him, into his slightly panicked eyes. She sniffed again, her nose still running. "It's not real heat," she said. "I guess I can still get chemical burns." She looked down to the mess on the plate. "But I'm stronger against them than most." She glanced up at the camera, at the chat flooded with wide-eyed emojis and cheers and people egging her on. And people telling her she didn't have to.
Save yourself.
Go, before they catch you!
Hurry! Leave!
She looked down to the plate again and gently took it away from Morning Frost. He backed slightly away, slow and apprehensive.
"You could actually get hurt," he whispered. She shook her head, carefully scooping the spilled seeds back into the half-chewed part of the pepper. Her skin warmed uncomfortably where she touched the juice.
"If I have to, I can send you out for stomach medicine," she uttered, lifting the pepper back to her mouth. She braced herself for the heat and the pain, knowing this time what to expect. It was an old sensation she'd almost thought she'd forgotten how to summon. Her body went numb and prickly as she waited for the pain to come, as she tensed her jaw to fight against it. She closed her eyes and popped the half of a pepper into her mouth all at once.
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jasperjv ยท 6 months
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Hey. So 2 years ago Connor Lavery's aka khonjin's psychological torture of me reached fever pitch in my psyche and I was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital in a severe psychotic breakdown that lasted almost 3 months. Now I'm indexed in his long story of his supposed inexplicable persecution. He thinks me, in my psychotic state, demanding monetary compensation for his gaslighting and harassment, was some kind of attempt at "cancellation" and me throwing a tantrum instead of communicating like an adult. However I deleted my entire social media presence after getting back from the hospital and haven't bothered him since. But he still thinks I did something to him.
The man is dangerous. He believes that the worst sin of mankind is the ego, so he makes it his mission to bully the fuck out of everyone until they have no self-esteem, boundaries of their own, or healthy sense of self whatsoever. The elimination of the ego however is what psychosis is, also unable to suppress the flow of the unconscious, identical to a waking dream. But when that happened to me after 2 years of mind games, he retreated into himself and framed it in the most disgusting way possible. Which you will see.
Embedded here is the first video I made myself specifically on this topic. You will see more details in a more recent video, and follow the trail I put in that video's description to get my full story. For the podcast in particular I would give a content warning for assault, sexual assault, ableism ("saneism"?) and general torture and terror.
There's nothing on God's green earth I could do or say to force him to take me seriously. I have probably half of you people blocked because just seeing anything to do with him would make my blood pressure spike. And it's high enough as-is just due to genetics. Maybe the rest of you might be able to be reached.
I'm so sick of fucking self-centered freaks trying to hold me accountable for actual psychosis because they're so desperate to blame anyone or anything but themselves for their part in tragedy. I really get gaslit about my own psychosis, and forced to prove a negative repeatedly (which we know is a lexical impossibility). I'm handed a blatant double-standard about mental health awareness and basic human decency, when in many cases I desperately need it more than most. Schizophrenia sufferers are 1% of the population. We're dwarfed by most, if not all, other mental illnesses. In this I continue to be thrown alone to the wolves. Sometimes even while being laughed at, it truly feels like. So I feel like I have to do all in my power to help make sure that this happens to fewer people than it would otherwise.
The callouts in 2018, the types of points of persuasion they were trying didn't make sense to me. Maybe this, though, could strike others. I'm more specific about how exactly he destroys people from the inside out. Stay the fuck away from him.
He's scared of losing his financial support from Patreon and ad revenue or whatever. I really, truly felt for that for a long time. But now I know that none of us are obligated to keep his ass afloat. It would be nobody's fault but his own if he didn't even try to heal his fucked up mindset and was just a raging misanthrope nobody wants to deal with. When you get to be my age, you become aware of all the ways to make a living. He could get disability. He could get a factory job, for instance. And that paid me an absurd amount of money. He needs to make up his mind about if he wants to be around people or not. Because he can't keep treating them the way that he does.
Oh, and if you're reading this and you happen to have any social connections with him whatsoever, for the love of God, do not let him put you on the defensive. About anything. Over and over again. It chips away at you. He doesn't have the answers. He doesn't have any objective taste like he desperately wants to think. He doesn't know any wisdoms that you couldn't get from someone who won't talk down to you.
Took me quite a while to convince him of the truth that he is only older than me by only a few months. I needed my hope in humanity and the future in order to not go and end it all. He did not give a fuck. He kept accusing me of lying about not being a naรฏve teenager. Just for that. Ask any well-adjusted and experienced adult and they will tell you to stay far away from people like that. The motivations that drive them to that behavior and opinion are bad, bad news.
He is intelligent, in the scariest ways. Intelligence of that type allows dysfunctional people like him to fabricate lines of logic that justify and enable the abuse they already sought to do. Literally anything can be justified with just the right kind of logic. Trust your gut. Guard your mind. It's the only one you've got.
He leads an excessively stressful life, creates his own dysfunctional world both inside and around him. I truly believe that this causes him many health problems. I've been having nightmares because of him. And as this built up and weighed heavy on my mind I got a fucking hemorrhoid. It went away very quickly after I made this video.
I'm feeling anxious as I type this. But I have to tell myself that anyone who would continue harassment of me over all the truth I've spoken is not worth my time or space. This isn't for them. It's for me, and it's for people who still have basic respect and empathy left in them.
Yours truly,
"slug"
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