#i'm p sure it's because i've been REALLY off mentally lately so i think my brain's grasping at straws for smth to lose itself in

[icannot3]

I would 100% be interested in a part 2 of the sock rule!

I truly did not think you guys would like this so much, but I'm so glad you did! Your wish is my command teehee. (HOPEFULLY it's not too late to finally post this lmao.) Ngl I'm kinda nervous about this one because I've never written this explicitly before. Anyways, enjoy!

The Sock Rule (pt.2)

Part 1!

Word count:1.5k

Warning: NSFW below the cut. (P in v penetration), oral (f receiving), riding, slight overstimulation.

...................

"Eh, I don't think my roommate will care."

He chuckled, nodding his head. "I agree. He's actually pretty stoked." His hands were cradling your waist, thumbs tracing soft circles into the plush skin. Slowly, they crept down to the hem of your pants, tugging there. You stopped him, "I think you're wearing a little too much to get to that just yet." It was true, you were half naked, and he still had layers of clothing underneath his jacket. The realization dawned upon him. Instantly, he was ripping off his top with fervor. The fabric slid off of his body, and you were far from disappointed at the sight. Surely you'd seen him shirtless before, but you'd never been able to shamelessly look for longer than just a glance. The times you had seen him, it was only for the purpose of cleaning some sort of injury he'd withstood and needed help tending. But your eyes were far from discreet now. He was lean with a nicely muscular torso. Your fingers traced down his chest, feeling the scars you'd recognized from treating them in the past.

His hands were on you immediately, mouth latching onto yours with desperation that surprised even himself. His fingers trail down your neck, grazing against the sensitive areas near your collar. His kisses are soft but still eager as his tongue prods past your lips. You gasp, arms flying around his back. The embarrassment you feel instinctively makes you laugh ever so slightly, as you were slowly becoming more self-conscious by your practically nude state pressing tightly against him. Peter glaces up at you, his look of utter confusion putting you into hysterics. To sooth his worries, your hands cradle his head. You lean in, kissing him sweetly opposed to the passionate and desperate kisses you'd shared before. "Sorry, I'm a little nervous that this is really happening. I never thought you liked me like that." He breaks away, small pecks now trialing down your jaw.

"I've been in love with you for years." He was rubbing your arms, laying on top of you. "I want us to be more than just roommates who-" He pauses, "do it." His dopey grin makes your heart flutter. "You just totally rock my world, babe. I wouldn't want anyone else." You were yet again for what felt like the millionth time today, flabbergasted. Collecting yourself, a smile graces your lips. "I agree. I kinda love you back, Peter." He bends down to your waist, hands wrapped around your thighs. He was on cloud nine, mentally jumping for joy. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to continue." Enthusiastically, he slides down your pants, leaving you completely bare beneath him. Before you can even stop him, your undergarments are being thrown across the room.

His hand teasingly played with your folds, trailing lightly over the skin. Peter took his time when eyeing you up, relishing in the perfection of the moment. You nudged his head with your knee, trying to urge him to continue as the anticipation felt fatal. His breath was hot against your core. The sensation of excitement set fire to your stomach, pleasure butterflying in waves. The pad of his thumb deliciously rubs your clit in circles, sending a rush of extacy through you. Your head leans back, as you are far too flustered already to bring yourself to watch his ministrations. Peter, despite his occupied state, had not once stopped smiling. As his tongue begins to lick your center, you can feel it against you. Back arching, the mattress creaked beneath you. The worry over whether or not the walls were soundproof lingered, fearing the neighbors may hear your illicit sounds. This fear is quickly disregarded when his thumb begins to vibrate against you while he practically devours your weeping cunt.

You gasped, "I didn't know you could do that!" Your hand flies over your mouth, trying to muffle the uncontrollable moans escaping from your parted lips. He chuckled pridefully, "Hopefully, I can suprise you with more than this." He himself was growing painfully erect, hard-on snuggly trying to escape the confines of his pants. Your head jerks back yet again when he sticks a vibrating digit inside, curling it and trying to find your sweet spot. Quickly, he becomes successful, applying just enough pressure to the soft area. His thumb remained on your clit, the unceasing pleasure making you almost whine from overstimulation. It brought tears to your eyes that were close to brimming out the corners.

Your first orgasm hit you like a tital wave. Your hand had entangled itself within his silver locs, thighs encasing his head tightly in its spot. You were gasping and calling his name like it was your mantra. Sweat gleamed across your forehead. You'd lost all train of thought after being finger-fucked to stupidity. Peter flattens his tongue, lapping up your juices and coaxing you out of your natural high as you come down. "That was so fucking hot." Your slick was shamelessly coated across his lips and chin. He sat up, hands shaking as he struggled to unbutton his jeans as quickly as he desired. The fabric slipped from his grasp repeatedly.

You moved to help him, unbuttoning his jeans and completing the tedious task for him. He was nervous, despite knocking you senseless only moments before, and you could tell. His pants and underwear were discarded with your own onto the floor. His cock sprang to life once released. A ferocious blush heated your entire face, and you found yourself unable to look away. You clear your throat, coughing to get his attention. "So, the carpets do match the drapes!" His eyes flash widely at you, and his body flops onto the bed at your side. "I'm never getting my dick out in front of you again." He dramatically covers his face with regret. You run your hand up his chest, straddling yourself on top of him. "I highly doubt that's true." You pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I think it's cute."

His dick rubs against your entrance, the friction as it slides across your sensitive bud, making you desperate for more. Your hips grind on top of him and Peter gasps. He thrusts up, craving your touch. His hands grab you by the ass as he aligns himself with your pussy. "Is this still alright?" His voice is raspy. You nod, sinking down onto him. Slowly, you bottom out, allowing yourself to sit there to adjust. His eyes screw shut as he lets out a shaky breath, along with a string of unintelligible cursing. You leaned into him, rocking your hips slowly up and down his shaft. Your toes curled, head burying against his shoulder. His labored breathing was hot against your ear as you continued, his soft moans sending your mind into a state of bliss. He cradled your back while leaning up so you could sit on his lap. His strong arms helped you move faster up and down, his mouth latching onto your breast to suck the soft skin. His tongue flicked across your nipple, the feeling heightening your sensitivity. You were growing weak, thighs on the brink of collapsing. Without a word he subconsciously knew, flipping you underneath of him.

His thrusts were long and deep, his pace slowly quickening over time. The tip of his cock was ramming you sweetly, enough to make your eyes roll to the back of your head. His hips were beginning to move more erratically as his moans were becoming more like desperate whines. He was praising you with every breath he took, completely enamored by the sensation. Peter's hand once again reached down, vibrating against your clit as he was desperate to get your second orgasm of the day out before his first. A tight knot was building inside of you, threatening to come undone. He rolls once more deeply inside of you, white-hot heat pushing you over the edge. It was far stronger than before, your voice hitching as you cry out for him. Peter was quick to pull out, cumming on your stomach. The ropes of heat coat your skin prominently. You close your eyes, collecting yourself as the last waves of extacy fade away. He lays flat beside you, arm lazily wrapping around the back of your neck for a hug. His lips place a kiss on your temple before he leans his head onto your neck.

You hum fulfillingly, "Not bad, Quicksilver." Your hand lays against his chest, feeling his heart pound against it. He softened his gaze, his hand playing with a piece of your hair. "Thanks, m'lady." You looked down his figure, admiring his beauty. Your eyes stop at his foot and your brow furrows. "I completely forgot about your injury. Is it okay?"

Peter lifts his leg in acknowledgment, "Oh yeah, it's great now. Feels good as new." He bends his ankle. "It's as if you gave me some magic medicine. Maybe this is what we should have been doing to fix me up all along!" His hand taps your arm matter-of-factly, his tone cheery. You giggle, shaking your head. "Then I suppose we can try it out some more."

Peter concluded that he would gladly walk towards the face of danger from that day on.

Taglist: @taintandviolent (if you would like to be added, tell me in the comments!)

#evan peters #fluff #peter maximoff #x men #peter maximof x reader #smut #peter maximoff x reader #peter maximoff smut

[ckret2]

Would Bill like

1. ABBA

2. Grateful dead

3. Mitski

4. Vocaloid (things like Kikou, Echo by Creeper-p, and Again also by Creeper-p

5. Kate Bush

Idk these were things I thought he'd like

For those of y'all just getting here, I'm using this list here as my guidelines for What Music I Believe Bill Cipher Would Like, Loosely Based On Canon.

1. Yeah I think he'd like ABBA (or, y'know, BABBA, as the case may be). He likes party music and that's like, party music of the 70s—though I imagine he lost interest in them as they stopped being contemporary.

But more importantly, it gives me the mental image of Dipper singing Disco Girl and Bill Fucking Cipher joins in like "I LOVE THIS SONG!" He'd be mortified.

Now I'm just thinking of parody song titles for BABBA. "Hand Me! Hand Me! Hand Me! (A Guy Late At Night)." "Mommy Mama." "The Loser Takes Nothing." "Dollars, Dollars, Dollars." "Superb Soldier."

2. Now, I've said I think Bill is all over well-known psychedelic music, so you'd think Grateful Dead would be top of the list; but when I sit and listen to their top hits, it makes me think less In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida or Jefferson Airplane, and more John Denver, so thus far I've passed over them. But digging a bit deeper I'm finding more stuff that gives me Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds vibes, so this is probably just a sign that I need to finally fill in the Grateful Dead-shaped hole in my mental musical library like I've been meaning to do for years. I'm gonna tentatively say "yes" just due to the fact that it's the Grateful Dead, but I haven't listened to them enough to say WHAT he'd enjoy.

3. I will grant that it's very funny to imagine Bill laying on a bed staring at the ceiling while "NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY—" blasts at top volume. However I think the main reason it's funny is because it's jarringly incongruous. Most of Mitski's music is dreamy-sounding, deeply introspective, and carried not by simple pop-friendly melodies but by the the complexity & poetry of the lyrics—and I think all of those are things Bill tends to steer away from. "Can you take psychedelics to it in the back of a van with tie-dye tapestries on the wall?" or "Can you rave to it?" covers most of his casual music listening.

(However, I do think he's got an ex girlfriend who did beat poetry that sounds kinda like Mitski lyrics as performed by a screaming death metal band. Someday I'll get around to drawing some of his exes.)

4. I say this as somebody who loves "Again" and "Echo"—I think he'd hate them, & probably most of Kikuo's music. There's a vast breadth of Vocaloid music—it's not really a genre so much as it is an instrument—and while I don't necessarily think he'd outright reject anything made with Vocaloid, I do think he'd steer away from the lyrically darker music. Like I said, I don't think he likes deeply introspective music. This triangle hasn't acknowledged or explored a negative emotion in a bajillion years and he's not about to start now. I mean, come on:

Cause I am on fire; a crying, burning liar; seeing nothing, nothing, but myself; and I'm the one with the lighter!

Is that about Bill? Sure, that's about Bill!!! You could insert it into the middle of the axolotl poem and hardly even notice.

(Making this was a mistake, in my head I started singing "if he wants to shirk the blame, he'll have to invoke my name" to the tune of "Again". Unplanned new headcanon voice for the Axolotl.)

However, "this describes Bill well" doesn't mean "Bill would like this." In fact, I think "this describes Bill well" almost guarantees that Bill would dislike a particular song. The fact that "Again" has such an apt description of him is exactly why he'd despise it. If you try to play this in his hearing, he's blowing up the speaker, burning down the house, turning your head into an ice cream cone and biting it off, and then telling his stunned silent friends that he got tired of this whiny boring music now let's go destroy something fun. Assuming he doesn't simply show no reaction to it at all so that he can avoid showing weakness.

Just about any songs about doubt, remorse, or bad feelings are gonna get the same reaction out of him. He doesn't wanna touch them with a ten foot pole. Music is for partying, music is for escapism. I can see him enjoying a darker song if it's framed in a way that invites the listener to derive voyeuristic schadenfreude from the singer's suffering—but if it's meant to confront you or discomfort you, or if listeners are expected in any way to personally identify with the lyrics, he's not touching it.

I could potentially see him listening to some of Kikuo's music if he can engage it STRICTLY as a party song. For instance, Gomenne Gomenne has sections that make it a solid dubstep song—with frenetic wordless singing on top, I think that'd appeal to Bill—so he might could put it on at a party... as long as the party is loud enough that he doesn't have to pay any attention to the lyrics about horrific child abuse and the resultant trauma. Maybe find a remix that leaves out all the lyrics about low self-esteem, brokenness, and worthlessness—but leave in the bits about rib soup, he thinks that part's funny once the context is removed. Violence is great, he just doesn't wanna be expected to pity someone.

It's a big stretch, though. If I had to pick Vocaloid songs for him, I'd look for either party-ready EDM with relatively bland lyrics or the really experimental pieces that do ear-hurting insane discordant things by pushing the Vocaloid program to the limits of the sounds it can generate; but I probably wouldn't pick Vocaloid for him at all.

5. I don't have anything special to say about Kate Bush, I just don't think anything about her music would intrigue him but there's nothing about it that would specifically deeply rub him the wrong way. Since I assume he's passingly familiar with most notable popular/mainstream artists, I'm sure he's heard her hits, he could probably sarcastically bang out a few bars of "Running Up That Hill" on the piano if he ever somehow found himself in a situation where sarcastic "Running Up That Hill" would be fitting; but the same could be said of any other chart-topping musician.

#anonymous #ask #music #bill cipher

[lancerious]

You alive?

YES I AM ALIVE

I'm gonna make this as short as humanly possible because I have a tendency to make posts needlessly long.

Ok so for the maybe 5 people who somehow still remember who I am, uh, hi lol. I don't even remember when I last came on Tumblr for more than 5 seconds and had any sort of activity. And if you don't remember who I am, I don't blame you since it's been forever anyway .-.

But yeah anyway, I want to just say why I've been on a silent hiatus for so long and what's been happening. To start, I first stopped activity cold turkey because being online 24/7 was really draining me physically and mentally. I was staying up all night and not doing anything during the day, and wasn't communicating with any of the real-life people I know. I have a tendency to either put my all into something or not put in any effort at all, which doesn't necessarily need to be a bad thing, but it turned out negative in this case. My mental health was also in the toilet too, I was always grumpy, sleep-deprived, had no motivation, and my procrastination was worse than it had ever been. I decided to take a month or two off the internet to better myself and improved a lot over that time. But of course, I wasn't only gone for two months (I think :P), which leads me into the next thing.

The next thing is I MOVED :D!! I just moved in with a close family friend a few weeks ago. The reason for this is college, and this way I don't need to live in a too-expensive apartment worth 15 human beings :P. It was a bit of a hassle though, since I moved a timezone away--EST for anyone curious--from my family's home in CT time. I honestly meant to start college last year, but things came up and that got postponed to this year. But yeah, moving took another few months, and I am happy to announce I am now well-adjusted and ready to come back to the online space!

BUT, there is a bit of a catch to this. I still very much remember what happened when I DID stay on my devices for too long too often, and don't want to go through that again and go on yet ANOTHER hiatus. So, I am NOT going to be nearly as active as I used to be. I'll still try to keep my activity relatively consistent, but I will not stay up as late as I used to and won't always reply to interactions in 2 seconds. I want to have a healthy balance between reality and the internet. It'll take me some time to figure out, since I'm not really good at doing things in moderation, but doggone it I am going to try my darnedest.

Anyway that's basically it, I'm really sorry for seemingly vanishing without a trace...again. It's a very bad habit of mine as I'm sure you're aware. I swear on my Lancer plush--yes I still have that :P--that I'll try and improve on this. Hope you're all well, and have a good rest of your day!

#i am officially back y'all #pls tell me you missed me #assuming anyone still remembers me that is lol #idk what else to tag this with #guess i'll put a random fact about me here #i don't like peanut butter

[jeremy-queere]

i REALLY like cherrypicking from canons for bmc. i know a lot of us do it with things like Jeremy having a dolphin fursona. I know a lot of people liked the original novel but there is a lot of not-so-great content (racism, slurs I think, that TERRIFYING nipple scene). I don't usually recommend people read it. But I still steal from it 😬

Actually I'm gonna include full quotes so you understand the vibe of this book. Jeremy is a first-person narrator and the SQUIP speaks in all caps.

Specifically stuff like:

Jeremy has issues during class attendence.

Here comes the fun part, the part that has been stressing me since they started taking attendance (in fifth grade). I can't say "here" in response to my name. It confuses teachers. I raise my hand quietly and say "Present." Somebody snickers up by the front of the room.

Jeremy keeps a list of the instances he feels bad in school.

The Humiliation Sheets have developed a lot over the years, with a host of different categories, but the current model has Snicker, Laugh, Snotty Comment, Refusal to Return a Head Nod (the standard form of greeting at Middle Borough High), Refusal to Return a Verbal Greeting, Refusal to Touch Hands, Public Denial of Formerly Agreed-Upon Opinion, Refusal to Repeat a Joke, and Mortification Event (a catch-all). I use the Humiliation Sheets to keep track of my social status in a concrete, quantitative way. They are my secret, totally; I make sure no one sees them as I fill them up with tally marks each day. I hate tally marks.

Jeremy invents multi-tasking masturbation.

I'm masturbating still, watching a video, but it's not like I'm masturbating to Michael. I'm multitasking masturbating.

Jeremy's dad idolizes Benjamin Franklin.

Dad puts a hand on my shoulder. "eBay is just amazing, isn't it? You know who would have loved it? Ben Franklin."

Dad has this thing about Ben Franklin (for Ben Franklin?). Give him any technology - the Internet, the postal service, Seeing Eye dogs - and he'll go off on how if only Ben Franklin were alive today, he would be overjoyed to see it and use it, because Ben Franklin was a "forward thinker."

The SQUIP filters out marijuana

I take the pipe as it's passed to me. I've never smoked pot before-

AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO NOW. IT IMPEDES COMMUNICATION PARAMETERS.

What do I do, then?

SMOKE NORMALLY; I'LL FILTER THE ACTIVE COMPOUNDS OUT OF THE CAPILLARIES IN YOUR SKULL.

"Jeremy, you crackin' out over there? You gonna hit it or not?"

Note: In the original version, the SQUIP needs to be manually shut off before drinking alcohol because "I'LL START ORDERING YOU TO KILL PEOPLE."

The SQUIP predicts things by looking at alternate universes.

MY ADVICE IS NOT BASED ON THIS WORLD ALONE. DUE TO MY QUANTUM STRUCTURE I AM ABLE TO INTERACT AT A LOW LEVEL WITH PHOTONS IN PARALLEL UNIVERSES AND EXTRAPOLATE FORWARD, KNOWING THEIR ENTANGLED STATES, TO SEE WHAT THOSE UNIVERSES HAVE TO OFFER.

Jeremy has a weird thing for Beanie Babies. I like this canon even though, in the book, he just steals them from his aunt to sell on Ebay for SQUIP money. (Jeremy in the book is specifically mentioned to be uncircumcised- can't find the quote now- so no bar mitzvah money for him.)

I used to be into baseball cards, so I slip easily into this world of collectibles, this mentality where the only thing that's important is the planet you contorl and analyze and understand. I look at Beanie Babies for an hour. For the first time all day, I don't think about the squip.

(He finds these because there is a small blue Beanie Baby called "squip.")

Jeremy did something called "Appearance Checks" before the SQUIP.

I've been doing a lot of Appearance Checks lately. I've noticed that I'm kind of ugly.

Michael and Jeremy used to have dandruff battles???

My hair might be thick, but it's full of dandruff like a snowstorm. (Michael and I used to have dandruff battles, actually, ruffling our hair violently in a sunbeam to see who had more glittering scalp waste.

Jeremy has this body position he thinks is cool and it for some reason has always stuck with me.

I pick my foot up and press the sole of my shoe flat against the wall. I should be as comfortable with my wallflower status as these guys are - the way they position their shoulders and backs and hips is almost a dance of its own.

SONY creates and owns the SQUIP.

Just as the Segway Human Transport system was introduced to the world as clandestine, heavily-funded "IT" technology, digital designers and futurists are now buzzing about "SQUIP" as the next great leap forward in human lifestyle enhancement. SQUIP is being developed by Sony (SNE).

(The article Jeremy reads also calls it an "ingestible Palm Pilot.")

SQUIPs work via qubits. This is already implied in the "superquantum" part of the name but the musical doesn't explain it.

"Sony is going consumer with quantum computing," Mr. Dinglesnort explains. "Scientists have been researching for years the prospect of building a computer based not on the binary system, where a piece of information is either a one or a zero, but on a 'qubit' system, where a piece of information can be a one, a zero, or a sort of in-between state that collapses into a one or zero when it is observed closely."

The SQUIP hates the word "Cool" as used by Jeremy's inner narration.

NO, DON'T USE CAPITAL C. YOU'RE MAKING IT TOO DIFFICULT, JEREMY, PUTTING IT ON TOO MUCH OF A PEDESTAL.

(It also disapproves of "chill out":)

NO, I DO NOT MEAN "CHILL OUT." WE ONLY USE SQUIP-APPROVED DATA FOR THE VERNACULAR, JEREMY. YOU HAVE TO TALK AS PER RAP-SLASH-HIP-HOP, THE DOMINANT MUSIC OF YOUTH CULTURE.

Okay.

The SQUIP thinks that gay people have good posture.

ARCH YOUR BACK SO THAT YOUR SHOULDER BLADES ARE ALMOST TOUCHING. WALK LIKE THAT.

I do as I'm told. It feels gay.

THE GAYER IT FEELS, THE BETTER YOUR POSTURE. YOU MUST ALWAYS WALK THIS WAY, JEREMY. I WILL STIMULATE YOUR SPINE TO REMIND YOU. YOU ARE TALL; IF YOU DON'T USE YOUR HEIGHT TO THE FULLEST, TARGET FEMALES WILL ASSUME YOU ARE A LOSER AND MASTURBATOR.

But I am a masturbator.

WE'LL FIX THAT.

The SQUIP encourages Jeremy to curse at least 50 times per day, but considers some weird stuff to be curse words.

FIFTY TIMES A DAY YOU HAVE TO SAY ANY COMBINATION OF THESE WORDS: FUCK, ASS, BITCH, SHIT, DICK, PUSSY, DILL-LICKER, HAIRY NECESSARIES-

The SQUIP's avatar (Keanu) is part of a genuine licensing deal with actors.

I kind of hate Keanu Reeves's voice. Can you switch to, ah, Brad Pitt?

WE COULDN'T GET HIS RIGHTS. YOU SURE YOU DON'T LIKE KEANU?

Uh…

C'MON, JUST LISTEN. ISN'T IT SOOTHING?

I guess.

#there's probably more but that's what i have right now lol #bmc #be more chill #bmc musical

[multiplefandomfics]

Love overcomes Universes

Hi everyone. I'm sorry it's been so long. I've been very busy with work and school and had a bit of a writers block. I hope you can forgive me :D. So here is a little something I wrote during the last week. Enjoy and please leave a like or comment.

Pairing: Bucky x reader

Warnings: Self consciousness, PTSD, Winter Soldier (mentioned), trauma (physical, mental), angst, smut, handjob, p in v, 

Words: 4411

“Finally” you exclaimed as you jumped onto your couch with a bag of chips in one hand and your tv remote in the other.

A minute later and your favorite Marvel movie was rolling as you delightfully munched on your chips.

Every line was committed to your memory as you went through a turbulent wheel of emotions.

The characters felt like family. You knew them better than anyone of your blood relatives. Some people might call that odd but not you. Embrace your weird was your biggest life motto.

This morning your friends had asked you to go out with them to a bar to have a few beers with them but you had declined because you had planned your movie evening for days now.

Work had been very straining lately and you just needed an evening away from the reality you called life. 

Your boss had been an asshole ever since two of your coworkers had quit simultaneously and that meant more work for the rest but no one dared to tell him to fuck off and maybe take some of the workload on him for once. 

 But that was a problem for monday. 

No matter how often you watched those films you were still always completely engrossed and immersed into the fabulous world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

1 hour into Age of Ultron when suddenly a draft pulled through your living room and a sparkling portal opened up.

At first you thought you had fallen asleep, mixing your world with Avengers Endgame but after blinking twice you weren’t so sure anymore.

You jumped to your feet and grabbed the first thing that fell into your hands as a weapon which happened to be a full plastic water bottle.

Not too bad you thought to yourself and took a fighting stance a good distance away from the glowing door to another reality.

Next thing you saw were two silhouettes emerging and you took another step back. 

The shadows got clearer and clearer until you actually recognized them.

“Dr.Strange? America Chavez?” you looked at them in disbelief.

“Y/N?” he asked and you nodded.

“You have to come with us. We need your help.” he continued.

“And why is that?” you asked suspiciously the water bottle still raised high.

“We would like to explain everything to you when we arrive in our reality. But it is of utmost importance. The well being of everyone depends on it.”

That sounded very dubious but it also sounded relevant enough that they overcame interdimensional borders to find you.

“Alright let me pack my things. How long am I staying over?” you asked, frantically searching for your phone and charger cable on the couch.

“If everything goes to plan you will have to stay forever.” that stopped you dead in your tracks.

“Excuse me? Forever? That is an awfully long time. Can you at least give me a little more information before I decide if I should come with you?” 

“Well you might be the only person to calm Sergeant Barnes when he is acting out.”

“This is about Bucky? Why didn’t you say so immediately? Of course I’m coming that man needs all the support he can get plus he’s really nice to look at so it's a win-win situation for both of us.” That decision had not been hard to make. Your job was mundane as it could be, your last good friend had moved overseas a while ago and the contact was almost completely broken up. Plus you barely had any family left who would miss you if you were gone.

“Give me 20 minutes to grab my things and then we can go.” you called with your head in your closet.

25 minutes later and you had found all the stuff you needed and thrown it in 2 suitcases, 4 backpacks and a handbag.

“Alright I think I got everything. What happens to everything that I don’t take?” you asked curiously.

“Well, everything that stays will be erased the moment we leave. Together with all the memories of you that people who have met you during your lifetime have gathered.”

“So it will practically be as if I never existed?” 

“Correct.”

“Interesting. Okay let’s go.” America opened the portal and you took one last look at your living room before heaving your suitcases through the door. 

Nauseous. Terribly nauseous that’s what you felt once you had your feet back on solid ground.

Taking some deep breaths in through your nose you tried to compose yourself and avoid puking all over the floor. 

“That was worse than I thought it would be.” you choked out.

“But you didn't empty your stomach onto your feet. That’s something.” America encouraged you.

“Well, thanks. That would have been very embarrassing.” you replied.

After that conversation you finally took the time to look around you and noticed you were standing on top of the Avengers compound in upstate New York.

“This is soo cool! And it’s huge!!” you exclaimed, turning around.

“Welcome to the compound Y/N. Come on, we’ll show you to your room where you can unpack.” Stephen Strange suggested.

‘Room’ was an understatement. It was an apartment twice as big as your old one.

It covered a bedroom with a humongous bed and walk-in closet on one wall plus a big bathroom on the other.

Adjoining the living room was an open kitchen with everything you might need if you didn’t want to use the public cooking facility. 

“This is what you call a room? Guys, my childhood bedroom was a room. This is a luxurious flat. I love it and am very grateful.” you beamed with joy.

“So how can I be of assistance? Tell me everything please.” you sat down on the sofa and waited for them to start explaining.

Dr. Strange sat down opposite you while America lounged herself on the couch beside you.

“It all started with Sergeant Barnes moving into his new apartment 6 weeks ago. He was always plagued by nightmares but it was never as bad as it got after he had moved. He started to fall asleep everywhere every time of the day and then he began to sleepwalk. Unfortunately not as himself but as his alter ego The Winter Soldier. As you can imagine this ended in quite a few broken bones, bloody noses and choke marks. So far none has died but it is only a matter of time until someone gets killed.” he explained calmly.

“And why do you think I am the right person to help with that problem?” that was still an unknown quantity you couldn’t pull a connection towards.

“Because you are his soulmate.” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“His soulmate? How did you figure that out?” 

“Because he already had you.”

“Excuse me, what? I have never met him. He doesn’t even exist in my reality. How could I have possibly met him?”

“Not you perse but the you that lived here. He already had a Y/N in the 30’s but of course she is long dead and you were the only living you in all the multiverse. That’s why we think that you are meant to be with him here. You are the only one born closest to where his time traveled self is now.” 

“But won’t he freak out when he sees me? I mean for him I died a long time ago. Are you sure he will accept me and I can live up to the memory of the woman he loved 80 years ago? I am skeptical here.”

“Well, you can’t go back and I am sure that you are destined for each other so he will adapt to the situation.”

“Are you the only two who know about this whole plan?” you asked.

“No actually it was Captain Rogers who came to us for help.” America chimed in.

“Steve Rogers wanted you to bring Bucky a girlfriend?” you quipped.

“We brainstormed together with Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanoff and figured the best solution to our problem would be someone who can calm him. And who better to do so than the woman of his dreams. But it was ultimately Steve’s idea to search for you.” Stephen Strange elaborated.

“Then maybe I should meet the Captain first. I mean he did know the Y/N from the 30’s after all. Maybe if I don’t meet his expectations we don’t have to bother Bucky.” self doubt was killing you. How could you be enough for James Buchanan Barnes?

“That sounds like a plan.” he agreed with you before turning to the invisible AI controlling the whole building.

“Friday could you send Captain Rogers up to us please. It is urgent. And if he is with Sergeant Barnes don’t mention Y/N please.”

“Of course Dr. Strange. He will be up in just a moment.” she replied.

You waited anxiously for the 100 and something year old supersoldier before he stepped through the door after a seemingly endless amount of minutes.

“Strange, you called for me? What’s so important that I had to cut my work out short?” he rambled before his gaze fell on you. 

“Y/N? Wow, this is so weird.” he looked a bit freaked out then he did something completely out of character: he jumped forward and engulfed you in a bear hug.

A little taken aback you wrapped your arms around him out of habit.

“It’s nice to meet you, Captain Rogers.” you forced out because he was not letting you breathe properly. 

“My apologies. You are just so familiar to me that I forgot for a moment that we have never met.” he stammered after he had let you go and had taken a step back, turning beet red in the face.

“It’s alright and it’s an honor to meet you, Captain. I always wished for this to happen. I mean Dr. Strange and America Chavez were already awesome but can I say that I was always on your side. No matter what happened.” you smiled from ear to ear.

“Please call me Steve. And thanks for your support. So tell me about yourself. I am not assuming that you are exactly the same woman I knew in 1934.” When he noticed your shoulders dropping after his comment he hastily added: “but we are not the same men we were back then either so I am sure you are the perfect match for Bucky now.”

That gave you hope. If someone knew Bucky Barnes it was Steve Rogers.

“So, I think I am ready to meet him now although I gotta admit I am really nervous. But I trust you guys that it was the right decision to come here. So where is he right now?” you asked.

“I’m glad that you’re up for this. He should be at the gym right now. Let’s go!” Steve stood up and reached out his hand for you to take.

It took about 5 minutes to get to the gym and if you didn’t have Steve with you, you would have probably gotten lost. Strange and America had decided to stay back to not startle Bucky with too many people.

As you stepped through the glass double doors into the very well equipped gym you looked around astonished at the variety of training devices. Maybe you could start doing something for your health too if you had this much opportunity right in front of your door. 

Then you saw him. Shirtless. Fighting a boxing sack. In that moment he decided to kick it out of the anchoring on the ceiling, sending it flying against the opposite wall with a loud bang.

“Buck, could you stop for a minute and come over. I need you to meet someone.” Steve yelled over.

The metal armed supersoldier turned around and then his gaze fell on you.

His face had been stoic before but the moment he spotted you his eyes lit up and a smile crept onto his lips. 

Unfortunately you could tell the moment he realized that what he first thought to see was the girlfriend of his youth couldn't be true. 

He warily strolled over to where Steve and you stood.

You were glad when Steve started talking first because you would have not gotten a word out even if you tried.

“Am I dreaming again? Is this a cruel joke? Please let me wake up, this can’t be happening again!!” he said exasperated, letting his hand glide through his messy hair.

“Buck, this is Y/N. She is not the girl from our teenage years but it is her. She comes from a different reality. We brought her here to help you. We thought that you might cope well with a familiar face.” Steve explained.

“Hi.” you choked out when he mustered you with skeptical eyes.

“Hi, well this is awkward.” he mumbled after a few minutes of weird silence.

“Maybe a little. Ehm, do you want to show me around the compound maybe? Alone?” you suggested, finally finding your voice. Out of the corner of your eyes you had observed some people watching you interested and you definitely didn’t want a crowd when you first got to know the man you had adored from afar for so long.

“That sounds like a good idea. I will go grab my clothes and then I’ll show you the grounds and maybe we can grab something to eat. You must be hungry.” he seemed relieved that the situation stopped being tense. 

“So, what is it like in your world?” he asked, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets.

“Well, it was very much the same way it is here with the major difference that all of this,” you gestured around “and all of you don’t exist in real life. You are fictional characters out of comic books which were turned into movies over the last couple years. I brought the DVD’s if you would like to see them for yourself.” you proposed to him.

“That sounds… I don’t know if I have a word for that but I am kind of curious. Though it also makes me a little scared because that means that you know everything about me but I know so little about you.” he fixated the muddy ground as if it would swallow him whole if he did it long enough.

“Hey,” you stopped in front of him, pushing his face upwards with your fingers to look him in the eyes. “We have the rest of forever to get to know each other inside and out, alright? Yes, I might know the things I learned from the movies about you, but there is still so much of your story that wasn’t told and I wanna know every stupid little detail.” you grinned at him.

“You have so much to give and you have always been my favorite character in the films. Maybe I know why now.  Soulmates and all.” you winked at him. Then you just hugged him because you felt like he needed it.

“Thank you. I already feel so much better. So long I have always sensed that a piece of me was missing and I always thought that it might be the memories I couldn’t recover but that piece might actually be you. 

I wanna be honest, at first when Steve introduced you to me I thought he was crazy for even trying but now, now I think you are the best thing that could have happened to me.” your heart was melting at his words. So much so that tears sprang to your eyes.

Before you could reply to his heartfelt speech it started to pour in buckets. He tried to shelter you with his jacket and you ran inside still getting soaking wet.

But instead of being annoyed or angry, you laughed your asses off barely able to breathe.

Weeks ticked by and although it was an adjustment at first you two got closer everyday, noticing similarities in your characters and behavior. So much so that even the others started to see it and mention it.

Bucky and you worked together like clockwork and even Steve told you that he was finally able to see his best friend and big brother Bucky from the 40’s again.

At first he didn’t want you two to sleep in the same bed or even the same room for that matter. He always said that it was because of the values he grew up with but you knew the real reason behind his hesitance was that he didn’t want to unsettle you with his nightmares.

The positive side to it was his daydreams had stopped which was enough for the other avengers but not for you.

“Bucky? We’ve been together for 6 months now. Can we please move together into one room?” you begged him one evening after a star wars marathon.

“You know how I feel about that Y/N.” he groaned exasperated. 

“Oh, for fucks sake! Let me help you, you stubborn mule!” tears were already threatening to spill out of your eyes in rage. Before he could open his mouth to reply you continued “I know that you are still waking up screaming at night, scared of the terrors you have witnessed and angry at yourself for letting them do this to you. I can help you regain your self confidence if you let me!!” 

His mouth opened and closed like that of a fish before he let his head hang low sighing in defeat.

“My greatest fear is that not I wake up but him and that I will hurt you terribly or worse, kill you before I snap out of it and realize what I have done. I can’t risk that.” Now it was his time to cry.

“I understand you but your sleepwalking during the day has stopped since I arrived so why not believe that that will be the case with the nightmares too? Just have a little faith, my love.” you stroked his cheek softly, wiping away his tears.

He stayed silent for a long while, assessing his possible answers. 

“Can I have one more night to think about it?” How could you say no to him?

“Alright but I want an answer tomorrow.” you agreed.

He kissed the top of your head in thanks and asked “So which movie to watch next?” 

“Well, have I mentioned that I brought my Marvel DVD’s from my universe? We could watch your history unfolding if you are up for that. I always wanted an audio comment on the films.” you smiled at him.

“You have them here? Okay, I guess. Maybe we’ll find differences. I mean apparently this is not exactly the universe from your movies.” 

“That’s true. Sounds interesting. You think the others would like to see them too?” 

“I’m sure they would. I think that screams for movie night.” he seemed more relaxed after you switched topics. 

After calling everyone together to the theater room you put the first disk into the player and started Captain America the first avenger. The only sad thing was that you couldn’t watch the Disney+ series with them. 

Everyone was hyped when the credits rolled and Tony immediately wanted to start the next one because he knew it was his first movie.

“One thing you have to know about MCU films is that there is always at least one post credit scene. So sit down, shut up and enjoy the rest!” you hissed at the billionaire. 

Even you were surprised when he actually followed your order.

You spent countless hours over the next 3 days watching all the Marvel movies you were able to bring. It made you kinda sad that you would never be able to see the coming movies from your world. But on the other hand you were currently living your own MCU movie which was so much better.

It was around Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 that you realized that you had forgotten about the one day ultimatum you had set for Bucky. So you confronted him the next day.

“Don’t think that you are getting away with this and that I have forgotten about our little dispute.” you whispered into his ear from behind while he was sitting in his armchair, reading a book. 

“Damn. I really hoped you did.” he admitted.

“So? What is your decision? Are we trying the whole “sleeping in one bed thing” or not?” 

 “Well, you won’t give up anytime soon so okay we can try but only with precautions. You have water in reach to splash me in the face with and I want to be tied to the bed so you can run.” he set his conditions.

“Uhh kinky.” you winked at him and he scolded you with his gaze.

“I’m sorry it just slipped out. I will accept your conditions but you will see that they won’t be necessary.” 

You noticed him being anxious the rest of the evening. He was always overthinking things but this time you could actually see the gears turning inside his head.

“Come on Bucky, I am beat. Let’s go to sleep. Do you want to sleep in your bed or mine?” 

“Mine is probably best. I have the most sturdy bed frame.” he still didn’t look convinced that this was the best idea but there was no way back now.

You prepared yourselves, changed into pajamas and snuggled into the sheets before Bucky joined you. 

“Good night. Everything is gonna be fine.” you kissed him reassuringly.

An hour ticked by and he was still awake. You feared he would keep himself from falling asleep and you couldn’t have that. If he was tired the possibility of him falling back onto his alter ego was higher than when he was well rested.

“Darling, you have to sleep.” you mumbled into his chest. 

“I can’t. I am always imagining the consequences this could have.” 

Then something came to your mind. What if he just needed a distraction? So you went full on confrontation mode.

“Baby, let me help you relax.” your voice lowered seductively. At first he looked somewhat confused but as your hand descended towards his crotch and you started massaging his rapidly hardening length.

“What are you doing, doll?” he groaned. 

You just smiled and pushed your hand into his boxers, stroking his cock to full hardness. Your thumb flicking over his slit, collecting precum as lubrication.

“Fuck, feels good. Don’t stop.” he moaned and you complied. 

“Come on baby, let go. Come all over my hand.” you whispered into his ear, kissing his jaw.

His moans were the best sounds you ever heard and he was so close. 

Just a few more strokes and he shot his load all over your hand.

“Thank you darling. I think I needed that.” he kissed you. “Let me return the favor,” he offered.

“No, you sleep now. Everything else can be sorted out tomorrow.”

It took some convincing but he gave his okay after you promised he could make it up to you the next day.

Normally you would have thought you’d be woken up by the sun streaming through the window, not by a hot tongue between your folds.

“Oh my god, Bucky.” you moaned after the fog cleared out of your head sufficiently enough so you could register what was happening. Gripping his hair and pulling made him moan which sent vibrations up to your clit.

“Good morning, doll.” he mumbled.

“A good morning indeed.” his tongue was magic, alternating between licking and sucking between your folds and your clit. But the moment he entered a metal finger into your tight channel, curling it just right, was the moment you thought you’d gone to heaven. He always knew how to get you to go feral.

“More, James, more.” you groaned.

“Say that again.” he growled, his eyes darkening even more than they already had. 

“James.��� you moaned again and before you could fathom what happened did he pull his sinful fingers and tongue away and pounced on you. He guided his cock into your entrance and pushed home in one stroke.

“Shit! James, you're so big.” you moaned. “So tight, doll. Love your pussy. She’s all mine, isn’t she?” he pulled out slowly and pushed back in to the hilt. Effectively silencing your response. 

“Say it!” he demanded.

“Oh, god. Yours, James, all yours.” he seemed happy with that response, sucking hickeys into your neck.

“Where do you feel me baby? show me!” he asked. So you grabbed his right hand and pushed it onto the obvious bulge in your belly where his dick was rearranging your guts.

“James, you’re gonna split me in half. Fuck! Faster!” 

He sped up his thrusts, hitting your g-spot over and over. The coil in your stomach tightening to the point of snapping. You couldn’t even warn him before you came, shaking uncontrollably.

His hips snapped into yours erratically so you knew he was close too. “Let go James. Fill me up. Breed me baby. I know you want to claim me. Do it.” you whispered seductively. 

That was his own undoing and he spilt deeply inside you. 

“Holy hell.” he breathed out after rolling off of you. “That was…” 

“The best sex I ever had? Definitely!” you finished his sentence.

“But I think I will need a bath to lose my sore muscles.” you smiled utterly satisfied.

“Sorry love. Maybe I was a little rough.” he looked guilty and you immediately regretted saying that. 

“That’s not what I meant. I feel really good. Just a little achy you know? But the good kind of achy. Like after a nice workout.” 

“Oh, I understand. I’ll go draw us a nice hot bath. I’ll be right back.” he kissed your forehead and left towards the bathroom.

All of this was an absolute dream come true. In the course of only a few months your life had turned 180°.The decision to go with Dr. Strange and America Chavez had been the best you ever made.

Bucky was the love of your life and you would spend every breathing minute making sure that that man got all the love he deserved.

#fanfic #bucky x y/n #reader insert #original #marvel #AU #alternative universe #mcu #actors #writers #mcu fandom #mcu icons #marvel mcu #wanda mcu #avengers #marvel cinematic universe #mcu imagine #oneshot #smut #fluff #angst #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x you #steve rogers #captain america #dr. strange #america chavez

[mineonmain]

KINNPORSCHE EP 11 (Spoilers, duh)

gawd I know I'm so late but life happens. It's literally like 12 hours before the next ep drops, but better late than never right? anyways here's my usual recap of highlights from the ep, random shit that stood out to me:

Kinnporsche: ok fine. tooth-rotting sweetness. almost too much for me to watch at times. both of them admitting to each other's families (EEEEEEEE) that they love each other. floating hearts everywhere. So lost in themselves that they seem to have forgotten mafia duties, big brother duties, friend duties, or literally any other duties other than getting their dicks wet. To think we haven't gotten the pool scene OR the 'i'm on your side' scene yet...fear.jpg

Kimchay: Kim you are so close to being on my shit list. I've said it before, but the only reason you're on thin ice but not in the sub-arctic waters is because I love Jeff. The thing is, I'm sure that Kim said that to protect (??) Chay from whatever shenanigans he's up to, but he better start resolving it soon. It's been there as a B plot/C plot since the early episodes, but it hasn't really progressed, and also it hasn't been made clear to the audience why we should care about whatever he's investigating. What impact does it have on our protagonists, other than the fact that it involves the Kittisawat parents? Also, we haven't seen much from Kim's POV so far, we need to see that there's a private side to him that isn't his cold facade, that he cares for Chay and struggled with his decision to let him go. (People who have read the books, this is not an invitation to slide into my DMs and explain, this is me critiquing the show's writing and storytelling technique, i'm not asking anyone to explain the actual plot to me lmao)

VegasPete: Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Vegas' sadistic side was probably born out of him needing a release from the violence his father inflicted upon him, him needing an outlet for all that pain. Understandably, he wanted someone else to feel the pain that he felt. In a way, every time Vegas has tortured someone, it was him calling out to the universe begging to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. He obviously didn't know this himself, how would he. He's suppressed any part of him that involves self-reflection, except the awareness that he's Fucked Up. His entire personality is a combination of Please Dad, Protect Macau, Piss Off Kinn, and Fuck the World Up. What I find so interesting, is the parallel between Porsche and Pete. They are both beacons of light in a world that's perpetually shrouded in darkness, and they are both bright sparks despite the shit they've both been through, making them ideal partners for Kinn/Vegas. They can help them out of the darkness without being idealistic, because they can understand what they other's been through. Vegas wanted to be seen, and Pete saw him, and saw right through him. Vegas tried to break him down the way his father has constantly broken him, but Pete broke through Vegas' walls instead. Vegas realises this, and knowing that in turn sees Pete properly for the first time. Not as Porsche's shadow, not as just another (head) bodyguard for the major family. And after their first real conversation, Vegas is going to go through a paradigm shift - it's already started, in fact. In his mind, Pete is elevating himself from the position of prisoner to someone on an equal level with Vegas mentally, and consequently Vegas is going to want to do things to Pete not because he likes seeing Pete in pain, but because he likes pleasing Pete and Pete himself is going to want it and enjoy it. It's about time Pete starting living for himself. I'm sure I could write a lot more about just their characters, and the symbolism around levels in the different scenes between their characters and how it changed throughout the episode, but I can't quite put it into words. This is enough already.

Things I need in the next ep:

KinnChay interactions A S A P

KinnKim interactions, why are they literally never in the same frame??

Kimhan. Mr. Kimothy. Sir Kimlock Holmes. If you don't explain yourself, both your actions towards baby Chay and also what all investigative spy work you've been up to, or so help me god i'll let Tankhun loose on you

VegasPete is going to follow their natural progression of events, so the next new conflict has to arise - Kim's info on the Kittisawats in connection with Korn??

P.S. I refuse to entertain the idea of ChayMacau. Absolutely not. I haven't read the book so I don't know but the little Macau that we've in the show is like, even more childish than Chay. I don't even want to see them talk to each other. If this makes me salty and petty so be it. I've said before that I'm not the biggest fan of JeffBarcode (as a pairing) but I will not think of any other pairing other than KimChay, and that's on that.

#kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche #thai bl #bl series #bl drama #thai drama #mileapo #biblebuild #vegaspete #kimchay #kimporchay #jeffbarcode #mile phakphum #apo nattawin #jeff satur #bible wichapas #build jakapan #kinnporsche: 1.11 #i can't believe life has fucked me this hard this week that it's taken me all week to publish this damn post #not to mention I should be asleep bc i have to wake up in less than 5hrs #and i'm sleepy and tired af #ya boy gotta get ready for the big parade

[ashleysmessyjourney]

Six Weeks

I can't believe it, but it's already been a month and a half of me messing my diapers. The timer doesn't expire till late October, so I still have another 55 days of me not touching the potty for anything. I've hesitantly opened up my wishlist again if y'all want to add more time; the link is at the bottom.

Has messing myself gotten easier? Heck yea. I actually kinda like it now.

Has cleaning up gotten easier? Heck nah.

However, since I use baby wipes to clean myself off anyways, who cares where my poo ends up? Better out than in, as they say. Doesn't matter where it ends up to me.

They say that it takes two to three weeks for you to get used to a new routine, and they're right. That mental prompt that sent me to the potty whenever I felt pressure in my bowels has now been replaced by another mental prompt signaling me to stop whatever I'm doing, get on my hands and knees, and push. And frankly, all the kinkiness aside from me pooping myself on purpose, I've learned that it's easier to just poop wherever I'm at than to struggle to find a bathroom. Sure, I know where it is at home, but it's different when I'm out in public. I'm obviously not shitting myself when I'm in public, but if I'm in the car driving home, I'm not opposed to doing the deed in my diaper and just changing when I get home.

That's happened five or six times when I go shopping or when I run some errands in the morning after breakfast. I'm toooootally not setting myself up to mess outside of my home.

Nope. Couldn't be me!

It's funny to think that I'm the only adult on the road with a diaper full of you know what.

Anyways, I didn't really enjoy messing until I embraced it full time. I wouldn't say I hated it before, but I sure didn't like it. Like, if it had to happen, then it had to happen, but now that I'm doing it all the time, though, I'm seeing more benefits than negatives. If you're living by yourself, I think you should give it a shot for a week or so and see what you think. Don't knock it till you try it!

I've kinda gotten over the ickiness of messing my diaper because now it's just something I do now; it's becoming my new normal. Like I said earlier, I used to get down and push as soon as I felt like I had to poop. I would then change immediately after I emptied myself, but now I'm making myself stay in the messy diaper for a couple minutes more each time. I'm not trying to catch any kind of bladder or skin infection here, but a small part of me (that's growing a bit more each day) finds messing my diapers to be downright naughty.

Maaaaaaybe it's because I'm using my vibrator when I'm messing. =P

I'm literally taking a page out of my own book by making myself associate pleasure from the vibrator with messing myself. If I reward myself with enough playtime with the vibrator while I mess myself, I think we'll see more positive results.

It's kinda funny now because unlike before, as soon as I feel like I might have to poop, I'm not trying to hold it anymore. My body knows in the back of my head that I'm totally 100% protected anyways, so I can honestly say that it's a relief that I don't have to worry about that anymore, especially if I'm busy or in the middle of something.

I do still have to be careful around other people, though. Certain poses make me feel a tiny bit of uncertainty about my level of control and if I'm not giving it my full attention, I'm a little afraid that I'll let a little something out when I didn't mean to. Anyways, I'm really grateful for all the support, especially all the diapers! I've definitely been using a lot more diapers than usual because of this challenge, so I'd say it's been working out pretty well so far!

[system-of-a-feather]

Fuck studying Imma ramble cause I'm over it. The first midterm for birds class and ID is supposed to be relatively easy and if it is fuck it I don't need to study, if its not, then fuck it this was the "hardest part of birds" for me so I'll just do better on the next one. My levels of shits has gone down so much with how over school I am and since working with the subsystem and realizing everyone is really over it. I have ONE last class and I can not be asked (technically two but I'm taking the other P/NP so I don't have to worry about the grade so long as I get a C- which is easy)

But honestly, our system has spent the first twenty-two years of our life being put on high pressure to keep everything perfect of the capitalistic grindset with a metaphorical knife to our throat if we so much as slip up. And this is not meant to be a brag, because I say this with exhaustion due to just how much mental illness, splitting, and pain we put into this, but we have actually managed to keep a REALLY clean and perfect track record. We have over a year of formal research experience, two years worth between two seperate labs. We have a year of clinical experience. We've maintained a perfectly clean record in terms of legal shit. We've maintained off of all addictive substances (save for caffeine). We've "gotten a good grade in healing and recovery". We've built so many skills and properly learned to self care some. We make money. We have a really good healthy long term relationship. We have some really strong healthy stable friends. We have healthy positively fulfilling hobbies. We are on our way to a career path we love and we are a very strong candidate for our ideal career.

We have worked so fucking endlessly and tore ourselves apart regularly (literally I guess) to keep this up because we could never get ourselves to fucking stop and we are so so so close to what our whole system thinks is the first time in our entire lives that we can actually take a breather and fucking just LIVE.

Running the mid to late December we are finally graduated with our Bachelors degree and we can join the work force and spend two years just fucking living before going into gradschool. I've had some classmates give me a weird look and judge cause my "gap year" is still me fully working a full time job and that is "self care" but it really really really fucking is for us.

Now that I'm writing this I'm definitely blurred, possibly temp-fused with Data - actually almost certainly temp-fused with Data. But we are so so so so so fucking just hoping that we are right that this is finally fucking live and not be in this fucking hellhole of a miserable life.

Like I (Data side) would be so fucking happy to just let this all fucking go and just fuse into the rest of the subsystem properly because we really really don't need to be holding onto our life with as tight of a grip as I / we do but until we finish this last quarter, this last year, it was absolutely non negotiable. I'm praying to whatever god I don't believe in that I am right and that my brain will let us just have two fucking seconds of life.

I don't really even know what that would look like - WE don't even know what that would look like. Having two years where the only thing on our "progress list" is just working and not having to worry about tests or skill building. There's even a chance we might end up moving across the country and live near our best bro and bring our fiance over when he can make it.

It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to just do things without it having to be a check mark in a grand miserable scheme of making sure everything is perfect and done right and that we have entire control and awareness over our progress win life. It's so incomprehensible to have so few variables to keep track of to make sure we won't be miserable the rest of our lives. It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to live and ugh.

I'm so fucking tired and burnt out on living like this. It's been 22 years. We've given enough and once we secure a job for those two years, we have officially reached the bare minimum stability that our brain can finally permit us to have the first breather we had since we came out of the fucking womb right?

My "book" says in theory yes and I pray that it is not a false hope and a lie. I've been trudging through this past month or two with the energy given from the idea that if I get this last bit done right, I can theoretically be fucking free because I succeeded. If I do, then I will cry and be more than glad to fuse which is hopefully the plan.

("also lol Riku -> Data-Riku temp-fuse -> Data caught live in ramble" -Riku back there)

I'm exhausted as shit but currently it's optimistic and hopeful positive exhaustion. I hope in the next half year that I'm not an isolated part and our system has healed enough that I don't have to be a seperate part and we (as a whole) do not have to feel the need to have someone as chronically obsessive-compulsive driven. I'd love that, both for myself (since I would have achieved the ability to let some of it go) and for the whole.

Crossing my fingers.

-Data / Riku / Data-Riku Fusion

#alter: data #alter: riku #alter: data riku #temp fusion #vent #vent tw #you can comment but do not reblog #of course you wont though cause I can turn that off

[it-was-yxu]

I really need advice on something with a friend that's really stressing me out because I can't afford therapy rn so this is all I have.

I have a friend who I've been really close with since we were 12-13 (we're 23 now.) I'm p sure they have BPD but I can't say for sure cuz I'm not a therapist.

They have this like really bad paranoia that everyone, especially friends, hates them and doesn't want them around, which I understand I feel that way too sometimes. It's just lately it's really bad to where they're like getting upset at me and our mutual friend (whom they live with) and everyone else for like, not texting them every single day or they'll get upset if we go places/do stuff with other people while they're at work/not around. They don't really get mad at us, they just get sad and I feel bad but like I just wanna live my life without feeling guilty about not constantly worrying about if me hanging out with someone on my own time is going to upset them and sometimes I just want to spend a few days to myself where I don't talk to anybody but I can't do that anymore out of fear that I'm going to make them sad.

Every time I try to help or I think things are going well something sets them off again like someone not talking to them for a day or someone not hanging out as much because they working, tired or stressed.

They also have anger issues, not necessarily directed at us, just in general and it stresses me out. They're not violent, they just yell sometimes when they get mad, frustrated or annoyed, even over little things. They're scared to go to therapy and a lot of the people they know have just been too busy to talk to them, so I'm the one they always come to with this stuff even though I have a hard time trying to comfort people because I don't fucking know how, but I try my best.

I also sometimes feel like my/our feelings don't matter to them. Like I've told them a few times over the past few months that I was straight up feeling suicidal and not having a good time mentally, and then they'll vent to me the next day.

I'm scared to talk about it with them because I know it's just going to make them feel guilty/sad about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I reassure them constantly that I love them and that I like hanging out with them, I don't want to leave them. I'm just scared that my only choice in the end will be to cut them off. But then I wouldn't be able to see our mutual friend cuz they live with each other and he's also scared of confrontation.

I understand they don't want to get upset over this stuff and they hate being so paranoid and they hate that they get angry/frustrated so easily, I get that they don't want to be this way, they tell me all the time, but I just don't know how to help or if I even can.

I'm just so tired of being a therapist.

#please god help me #advice #friend advice #mental health #mental health advice #help #storage #advice needed #fox

[rrxnjun]

ohh so i began paying more attention to nct bc of taeyong’s rap part in limitless (like that weird gargling noise he makes is just ahhhhhrrrfbbf) but sicheng in touch made me an nctzen (HES SO CUTE I 💖CANFHFH) i started with 127 and got attached to dream and wayv along the way <33 but !! i’d say that my ult unit is nct dream ahahfdh wayv is like a super close second (the hoe anthems >>>) but i just vibe better (?!) with the dreamies’ music.

OH YANGYANG IS MY WAYV BIAS <33 AND HIS INTERACTIONS W RENJUN ESP ARE SO CUTEE I CAN'T nct china line superiority <33 i love his raps as such but nectar is a fave !! omg do you have a fave nct u lineup ?? i love the 90s love, ok! and from home lineup mayybbee the misfit lineup too

jkghdfg slowburns have so much scope and space for character development, thicker plot (*coughs* the drama) and multiple genres so since i love stuff like that i adore slowburns. but it's been so long since i read or kept tabs with nct's writeblr bc of school 🤧 so just saying was really refreshing to read (like yangyang + comedy + college au with sprinkles of angst and loads of fluff = user jaynaur bait)

and i've been listening to 5sos on an on and off basis ever since my friend introduced me to youngblood back in 2018 and OOF I LOVE THAT SONG TO DEATH THE WHOLE ALBUM INFACT so it's no surprise i'm obsessed with just saying rn omg i can literally picture scenes from the fic in my head as the song plays out what have you done to me 😭😭 (also i'm v slowly getting into waterparks thanks to this playlist so will they be the next thing i obsess over?? hmmm)

and i personally love listening to a fic's playlist while reading bc songs have their own stories to tell and they help me relate with the fic a little better dkfj idk they just seem to enhance the whole reading experience for me so i get your obsession <33

p.s. this ask became a little too long 😭😭 do take your time to reply dfhhg have a good day/night !!

SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY i kind of forgot about this and then i got busy :(( im adding a read more bc my reply got LOONG hh

sicheng is so cute i totally get you being an nctzen because of him<3 i started with wayv, surprisingly. i dont think a lot of nctzens start with wayv AHAHA but my ult unit is definitely dream :)) im really emotionally attached to them LMAO even though i had a slight falling-out with kpop during exams and shit and my mental health, they are still very very close to my heart. then wayv is close second as well for me,, their sound >>> no skip discography for sure. and 127 as last, i dont think i ever really got into them if i must be honest. i love some of the tracks for sure, but they're not my go-to :)

YANGYANG IS MY WAYV BIAS AS WELL SDKLAF and renjun is my ult bias so their interactions make me so happy you cant even imagine. that feeling when your ult biases are besties? yeah. unmatched. truly amazing. ALSO my fav nct u unit might be misfit? or 90's love. i LOOOVED that shit. also faded in my last song. one of the best nct u songs of all time change my mind. and you're so right with ok! lineup they have me in their chokehold. who's your bias from dream and other units?? :p

I ADOOORE SLOWBURNS. i used to not be a fan of them bc i was always so impatient but recently, i love to both read and write them:) i wrote a 40k vernon from svt fic earlier this year on my other blog and bro that... that was a ride. the character development? the mood? the atmosphere?? it was also totally unplanned and only sparked as my love declaration to this man (he's my other ult bias lord help me.) but it's one of my most, if not my most loved fic of mine i've ever written.

i don't read much fics either bc i was busy with school as well, and as i already mentioned, i kind of fell out of kpop for a while, but it makes me happy to hear that you found my fic refreshing and liked it so much :)) my other yy fic is gonna be more angsty then comedy (also i have like 3 more parts to write so im gonna be done soon :p) so i hope i don't disappoint if you decide to read it! i also have another wip with yangyang in my drafts but its been so long since i thought of that idea and i still havent managed to create a whole plot around it, so idk if i'll ever manage to actually write it.

YOUNGBLOOD >>>> that album means so much to me. truly. i'm still sad that i didnt manage to get to their concert bc of exams and just not being able to travel there and find some sort of housing for the night haha. AND YOURE GETTING INTO PARX????? THEYRE MY CURRENT HYPERFIXATION AND THE NEW YY FIC IS LIKE 90% INSPIRED BY THEIR SONGS AAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is so exciting hhhh if you wanna talk abt them (or anything else) more my inbox is always open!!!

thank you so much for sending this ask it makes me happy that someone is interacting with me <333 hope you have a great day/night ily xx

#💌ask #ni 🌱

[olibavee]

.

i don’t know what happened, i just decided to play skyrim on a whim a week ago and for some reason my brain decided to develop a disease in the span of 3 hours and now it’s all i’ve been able to think about even though i’ve been playing this game since 2012 but was p casual about it until now. this might sound silly but i was actually scared when i woke up the next day because it happened so suddenly and i’m really not sure what caused it. 

#liv asdf #i'm p sure it's because i've been REALLY off mentally lately so i think my brain's grasping at straws for smth to lose itself in #which comes with its own problems but it has been helping me take care of myself more lately since i have more energy #i guess it feels a bit like mania. i've only been manic twice and both times were caused by medication. this...isn't. #i seriously have no idea what triggered it and it's unnerving because it's such a complete 180 from how i was feeling earlier. #and i'm really really not used to it #idk man. it's nice to feel like this but it's very jarring and i'm worried i'll 'crash' at some point. #that and i'm hugely paranoid about being annoying and talking too much about one thing. aaagh #at least i have therapy tomorrow.........

[cyro-starfire]

What hurts to talk about...

Cyro X Minus!Lemon Monster hurt/comfort fic

Once again i will be tagging @monsternightfunkin because their blog gives me insperation to write

⚠️WARNINGS FOR THIS FIC:⚠️ OC X CANON, ABUSE MENTION, NIGHTMARE, TRAUMA, SLIGHT SELF HARM (Hitting head), CRINGE

Colors for characters

Cyro - Pink

Minus - Orange

Please enjoy my horrid writing if you can!

It was late into the night, probably around 11 PM or 12 AM. Minus had been put in charge in taking care of Cy, despite Girlfriend and Pico being reluctant in letting him. The others knew Minus was strong enough to protect Cy if any danger were to come into the house. Cyro was sleeping on their bed while Minus slept on the floor, the alien had insisted that Minus should sleep on their bed but he declined, he was worried that with his weight he'd crush the bed, besides their rug wasn't too bad to sleep on, it was soft and fuzzy like him!

Cyro had been very reluctant on letting Minus sleep on the floor because it just didn't feel all to right but they really couldn't say no to him, so they let him sleep on their rug anyway. Despite it being the floor, Minus was catching some good Z's, having a pretty good dream! Cyro on the other hand...was having the opposite experience...

The poor alien was having terrible nightmares for the past week...and they were all about HER...Cyro's abusive ex girlfriend, Sam. It had been over 3 years since Cyro had broken up with her, but the scars from her abuse still remained within Cyro's mind...the horrible things she would say to them...the horrible things she would do to them...it would give Cyro horrible visions and make them go into a traumatic episode if they ever saw anything that reminded them of Sam...

The alien whimpered and whined softly, untill those whimpers got louder...and louder, their body was shaking madly, tears formed in their shut eyes, they could feel her disgusting hands on their body despite her not being there...they could hear her terrible voice, mocking them, laughing at them. Reminding them that they were nothing but a pathetic little alien...

"n-no...no...no no no no no...NONONONOO!!!" They screamed in horror and agony as they choked on tears and awoke from their horror filled dream...panting heavily as they looked around the room. They took a moment to let the cool night air fill their burning, aching lungs...their body was covered in sweat, and tears filled their eyes...they held their pillow tightly and sobbed into it. "Wh-Why...why c-can't y-y-you just leave m-me alone...p-please...g-get out of m-my head..." They whimpered, they wanted to forget Sam and the hell she put Cy through whilst in the relationship with her...

Cyro took their hands off of their pillow and started to hit their temples with their hands. "G-Get out...get out...get out, get out, GET OUT GET OUT!!" They screamed in what at first was fear but then it turned into rage...rage for what she had done to them, and rage for her not getting any karma for it, it aggravated Cy, why did they have to suffer while Sam gets off Scott free? It wasn't fair...why was life cruel like this? What did they do to deserve this?

They were interrupted by a big claw gently grabbing their left hand and stopping that hand from landing blows on their own head. They looked quickly at who had did it, but quietly sighed in relief when they saw that it was just Minus. "Why are you hitting your head? Your head didn't do anything bad did it?" The huge lemon monster yawned. "Don't hurt yourself like that, it's bad." He whined at Cy groggily. "O-Oh, s-s-sorry i w-w-woke you M-Minus, th-there was j-just...a-a fly on my h-head that's all!" Cyro tried to lie.

"I love you but please don't fib to me like that." Minus whimpered in typical dog fashion. "Why were you hitting your head, and screaming 'get out' for?" He asked them again...Cyro looked at Minus...they were hesitant to tell him...They didn't wanna worry him about what had been going on for the past week...would he even understand the gravity of the situation...? Sure he was abused like them but...it was a different kind of abuse...right...? "I...i..." Cyro tried to come up with a good excuse but nothing came to them...

They really had no other option did they? The alien sighed gently and finally gave up. "F-Fine, I'll...i-i'll tell y-you what's going on..." They admitted hesitantly. Minus gently put a claw on their bed to let them know that Cy had his full attention for this time..."I-I've...b-b-been having a-alot of nightmares a-about m-my ex girlfriend, S-Sam recently...a-about how she w-would abuse and manipulate m-me...i t-tried to see wh-what i could do t-to make them go away, b-but they s-still haven't stopped and i...i..." They started to tear up again. "I-I just w-want to forget a-about her s-so b-badly Minus...b-but...i-i don't kn-know if i can..." They said sniffling.

It wasn't before long until they finally broke down in front of minus, holding in any and all tears backfired badly for them, they sobbed and grabbed their pillow again, sobbing into it and apologizing to him that he's now seeing this side of them...he must think their pathetic now...however for Minus...seeing Cyro like this reminded him of himself when he was younger, and those monster hunters would torment him day and night...The lemon monster got up and gently picked up Cy, who was still clinging onto their pillow tightly, still saying "I'm sorry" in short chokes of tears.

"Hey...please don't cry, i don't like it when your in pain..." Minus said to Cyro softly, lifting up their chin gently with his claw. "i-i-i-i'm s-s-s-sorry...i-i-i-i'm s-s-so s-sorry..." They hiccuped, they couldn't stop feeling like it was their fault, maybe they did deserve to get abused, maybe they did deserve to be mentally damaged forever...maybe- all of their thoughts were interrupted by Minus giving them a small, soft lick on the cheek. "H-Huh?" Cyro held their cheek confused. "I don't know who hurt you, how and why but i do know your in pain, and you don't deserve to be in pain..." Minus said to Cyro in almost a hushed whisper, holding them closely to his chest.

There was a brief silence between the two, before Minus broke it again "I'm here for you, i will protect you, everything will be okay, i love you..." He whispered to them, their sobs and sniffles slowly grew quiet as their tears eventually stopped, they were still shaking slightly but not as bad as before...they leaned into Minu's chest and took a moment to embrace how warm he was...how fluffy he was...how safe they were with him..."th-thank you..." Cyro purred softly, as they snuggled into him...the two had a moment of comfortable and safe silence with one another...it was nice. Maybe this is what Cy deserved...healing...saftey...love...

And Minus was there to give it to them. Minus slowly curled up with Cy in their arms, making sure they were comfortable, and the two fell asleep together...

#cy's shitty fanfics #tw fnf #fnf #fnf minus #friday night funkin #friday night funkin minus #fnf monster #monster fnf #fnf minus monster #fnf lemon monster #lemon monster fnf #fnf minus lemon monster #fnf lemon demon #lemon demon fnf #minus monster #cyro #cy #cyro starfire #oc x canon #tw abuse mention #tw nightmare #tw trauma #lemcy #mincy #minus monster x cyro #minus lem x cyro #cyro x minus lem #hurt/comfort fic #fnf fic #fnf fanfic

[maraudererasmut]

Black and White (Part XXXVI)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII | Part XIX | Part XX | Part XXI | Part XXII | Part XXIII | Part XXIV | Part XXV | Part XXVI | Part XXVII | Part XXVIII | Part XXIX | Part XXX | Part XXXI | Part XXXII | Part XXXIII | Part XXXIV | Part XXXV* | Part XXXVI | Part XXXVII | Part XXXVIII

((Hey all! I might have to take a bit of an unexpected hiatus for a few days. Don’t worry, I will try to continue to write while I am gone and post as soon as I can. I apologize for the inconvenience!))

TW: mentions of sex (no actual sex, just vague discussions about it!)

It had been over a week since Remus and Sirius had fooled around in Black and White, and their late night shenanigans had yet to be mentioned by either party. Remus had avoided bringing anything up at the risk of making Sirius feel uncomfortable, and he could only assume that his boyfriend had done the same.

When Remus was out with Lily on their weekly coffee date, he absentmindedly nodded along to whatever his friend was saying; his mind was focused on other, more pressing matters.

"You okay, Remus?" Lily asked, nudging her friend with her foot. "You look a little out of it…"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he muttered, trying to bring his attention back to Lily. "Just lost in thought…"

"Wanna share with the class?"

Remus shrugged, taking a sip of his tea. He wasn't sure how much to disclose, or how much Sirius had already said to her. Seeing as Lily wasn't begging for additional details, Remus had assumed that Sirius hadn't mentioned anything about their evening in the gallery.

"Is Sirius a virgin?" Remus asked, surprising even himself with his straightforward question.

Lily stared blankly for a moment before bursting out in laughter. Remus furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what was so funny.

"What kind of a question is that, Remus? Where did that come from?"

"Iunno…" Remus looked down at his hands, trying not to let himself feel embarrassed. "I... was just wondering…"

Lily blinked. She scrunched her nose and tilted her head to the side.

"You're not kidding, are you..."

"Nope."

"Uh… no. No, Sirius isn't a virgin. Remus, he's almost thirty!"

"So?" Remus scowled at Lily, crossing his arms in dismay. "Age has nothing to do with that."

"You're right, you're right… I'm sorry. I just… A— are you?" 

"What? No! I'm— no, I'm not. This isn't about me." Remus knew he was sounding a bit too defensive, but he hadn’t been expecting Lily to ask him that. Remus never had any particular qualms discussing his sex life in general, so he didn’t mind answering candidly— he was just taken by surprise by Lily asking him the same question in return. "I...well, things were a bit odd the other night and I was just… wondering…"

"Odd?" Lily quirked an eyebrow as she rested her chin in her palm. "In what way?"

Remus narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"How much do you know?"

"Nothing." Lily must have noticed the look on Remus' face, because she put her hands up and let out a giggle. "Honestly! Nothing! He hasn't told me anything! Last I heard, you two made up and you've been on a few dates and that's it!"

Remus nodded— they had made up and been on a few dates, that much was true. It seemed that Sirius neglected to tell Lily that after each date since their night in the gallery, he gave Remus a chaste kiss and a jovial goodbye before driving away. 

"Sirius and I… we uh… we haven't…" Remus ran a hand through his curls, trying to think of a way to discuss this delicately. "I mean, we've only been dating for a week, but I was kind of expecting to… you know… and we haven't…"

"Hmm…" Lily crossed her fingers and chewed her lip in contemplation. "Maybe he's… trying not to push you? Like… maybe he's trying to respect your boundaries?"

"I've… made my intentions pretty clear," Remus admitted with a chuckle. He had not been subtle about his desire to sleep with Sirius this past week, but Sirius acted as if he was none the wiser. 

"Have you tried asking him?"

Remus shrugged. 

"I figured I'd ask you first… I didn't really want to… make things awkward, you know? We haven't been together that long. I was starting to get the feeling that something else was up..." Remus took another sip from his mug, trying to give himself a moment to think. "Is this… his first time dating a guy?"

Lily shook her head.

"No, he's been with men before. He's… never been averse to sleeping with anyone, to put it lightly."

"Just me, then..." Remus didn’t mean to sound so dejected when he spoke, but he couldn’t keep it out of his voice. 

Lily's expression changed to the dreaded look of pity that Remus hated. She reached a hand out to his, giving it a squeeze.

"I'm sure that's not it, Remus. You should talk to him! I'm sure he has a good reason for why you two haven't done anything…"

Remus' mind wandered briefly to a fleeting image of Sirius on his knees and he quickly distracted himself with his tea. 

"We… I mean… it's not like we haven't done anything…" He murmured, barely concealing his blush.

"Oh my god, Remus! Why haven't you told me?! Tell me everything!" Lily had a grin so wide, Remus couldn't stifle his laugh. 

"No. I'm not telling you everything. We just… we did some stuff… he didn't seem as interested in doing other things…"

"Ugh, you're being so vague. This isn't helpful, you know!" Lily tried to give Remus a serious look, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. 

"He… didn't seem too keen on having sex. I didn't want to push it, so I just… left it at that. I was confused, is all. So I figured I'd ask you if he...had ever done it before..."

Lily's smile wilted as she considered Remus carefully, trying to read him.

"As far as I know, Sirius has always been fine with sex… I'm not really sure what's going on… Do you… want me to talk to James?"

"No no, leave James out of it. I'll talk to Sirius myself. I just…" Remus rolled his eyes as he thought about this whole situation. "I figured I should do some recon in case there was something delicate that I needed to know before I breached the subject. God… this is all so high school…"

Lily smirked at her friend over her coffee cup. 

"You two are adorable," she cooed before taking a sip.

"Yeah yeah… shut up."

——-

"Hey Remus!"

Sirius sounded so enthusiastic on the phone, Remus could picture the gallery owner's smile perfectly in his head. The artist grinned up at his ceiling as he held his cell to his ear.

"Hey…"

"Ready for tonight? I was thinking we could catch a play. I've got a friend who can get us great seats—"

"That sounds lovely, Sirius," Remus interrupted, trying not to sound like he wasn't grateful. 

"I feel there's a but coming…"

"I thought maybe… we could stay in tonight? I mean, don't get me wrong, this past week has been amazing, and it's so sweet of you to take me out to all of these things…"

"But?"

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself.

"But I hate that it always has to be you treating me. I'd… I'd love to be able to treat you to something for a change. I just… you know I can't really aff—"

"Exactly!" Sirius sounded like he was sure Remus had just proved his point. "I don't mind treating you to stuff! You're my boyfriend, afterall. Let me spoil you. You know that I can afford it, I don't really see the problem!"

Remus held back his groan. Of course Sirius didn't see the problem.

"I know, I just…" Remus picked up a paintbrush that had been lying on his bedside table and he began to twiddle it between his fingers. "I like that you want to spoil me, I just… I'm not really a fan of being spoiled…"

There was a pause on the other end, and for a moment, Remus was sure that Sirius was about to break up with him.

"So… you don't want me to take you out places?"

"No, no, I just… how 'bout a happy medium? It doesn't have to be going out every time we see each other. We don't have to go to fancy restaurants every evening. We can… stay in sometimes. Watch some TV… play a board game… you know?"

Something about Sirius' silence told Remus that he didn't know.

"So… you want to spend tonight in?"

"Yeah! You can… uh…" Remus turned to look at his tiny flat, knowing that it was nothing compared to what Sirius was used to. "You can come to my place if you want. I can… cook you dinner…"

Remus silently prayed that Sirius would say no and invite Remus over to his place instead. That would be the ideal compromise: a night at Sirius' place.

"You know what? I'd like that. Dinner at your place sounds lovely."

Remus blinked, his hand stopped moving and the brush fell onto his chest.

"I… what?"

"We can have dinner at your place tonight. I didn't realize you could cook!"

Neither did I…

Remus closed his eyes tightly, silently cursing himself for trying to be polite and inviting Sirius over.

"Yeah, okay," he choked out, trying to sound casual. "I'll cook you dinner at mine. See you tonight…"

"See you tonight, Remus. I can't wait to see what you're gonna make!"

"Yeah… same…" Remus groaned, more to himself than to Sirius. He had accidentally dug himself a hole that he wasn't entirely sure he could climb out of. 

#Wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #marauders #Black and white #Marauder era #Harry Potter fanfiction #Wolfstar fanfic #wolfstar fanfiction #my writing #remus x sirius #Sirius x Remus #black and white part 36 #part 36 #Part XXXVI #B&W #tw: mentions of sex

[gone4neow]

MIGHTY | ⓅⒸⓎ

c h a p t e r o n e

- park chanyeol x oc

- mulan rewrite [very loosely inspired by the disney version]

- warnings : cursing, dark themes, extreme violence

- work count : 3,457

previous chapter or next chapter

——————————————————————————

Working the cart at the street market was always a thrill. It wasn't that the job was particularly fun, but it was certainly never boring. Some customers were regulars who showed up weekly, but new customers came and went often. Some of the farmworkers loved working at the market simply because they adored the socialization that came with the job, but Eunyeong felt indifferent towards the job. It was nice to get off the farm and see what was going on in town, but sometimes the interactions with the townspeople really ruined the job for her. Elderly women judged her for not being at home with a family to take care of, younger women did little to hide their envy of her position, and men of all ages seemed to have a personal agenda to remind her that she was horrible for working a man's job. Ignoring these people had become a sort of second nature for her.

She had woken up that morning with dread in her bones. It was her turn to manage the cart at the market today. Her uncle had told her that if she could do this job two times a month then he would allow her to work on his farm. The prospect of having a job was enough to make her agree to any terms he had for her. At first, she was absolutely miserable after working in the market. It was difficult and it took a huge toll on her mental health after receiving harsh criticism all day long. There were multiple occasions where she had cried; the fear that she had been in over her head when seeking out a job haunted her. It was her father who had encouraged her to keep going. Though he didn't understand her extreme need to work alongside men, he hated to see her spirit so defeated.

"You are different, Eunyeong. This world isn't ready for a woman like you. If you let them bring you down now, then they will never be ready. If you want them to understand, you're going to have to make them understand. Push forward. Fight for what you want," he had told her weeks ago. "I believe in you. Now you have to believe in yourself."

She had taken his words to heart. He was right, just as he usually was. She adored her father. Though many saw the man as a stony figure with a hard exterior, she knew that his heart was soft and full of love. He was brave, compassionate, and cared deeply for those closest to him. If there was ever an idol figure in her life, it was him. Even when her mother scolded her for pursuing her personal goals, her father had been there ready to support her wholeheartedly. Because of this, she was eternally grateful.

When she had arrived at the marketplace, her hair was messy and her cheeks were flushed. She had arrived a few minutes late due to oversleeping. Her coworker looked over at her with a judgmental expression on his face before he tossed her a small bag to collect coins in. Relief flooded her chest when the old man turned from her without giving her a lecture about how she should be on time. For the next few hours business went as usual. She worked alongside her coworker in silence, only speaking to customers when spoken to. A gentle smile formed on her face every time she handed over a basket of vegetables, but the customers seem to be wary of her and never returned it. Things were going just fine - that is until a familiar man showed up. He came with three other men. Each had wide smiles on their faces. They were around fifteen years older than Piya was and had all grown up in the same village as she had.

"Eunyeong, it's so lovely to see you here," Howon greeted the woman in a smooth voice. His eyes bore into hers as if they were lasers, analyzing every detail of her soul.

Her stomach twisted, but she smiled a wide, fake smile. "Are you looking for anything in particular?"

"Me?" The man questioned, raising his eyebrows. He hummed as if in deep thought. "I did come here with something very specific in mind today, but it seems I've already found it on my own."

"What would that be?" Eunyeong asked him, the smile on her face faltering. Her hands fumbled around as she pretended to organize the baskets sitting on the table in front of her. She only stopped when the man's right hand shot out and wrapped itself around her wrist. Her movements froze entirely.

"You," Howon said. A smirk formed on his face as his companions laughed behind him. The woman went to pull her arm away from his grasp, but his grip only tightened. She clenched her jaws out of anger. How dare this man?

"What's this?" Her coworker blurted out from beside her. She turned to look at the older man. He looked between her and Howon with confusion.

"Ah! It's nothing, old man. Return to your job," Howon brushed the man off in a patronizing tone. Eunyeong could see her coworker tense up at the man's words.

"Let go of her wrist. We both have jobs to do," He instructed Howon. The younger man scoffed and his grip grew even tighter around Eunyeong's wrist. The pain was nothing compared to the glimmer in the man's eyes. It was as if he was testing her, seeing how far he could push her before he would break her. So she stood taller, lifted her head, and looked at him with a stare that was even more chilling. His thin lips parted in surprise when her free hand wrapped tightly around his wrist. The grip around her wrist lessened as she forced hers tighter.

He hummed as if approving of her actions, but she could see the anger on his features. "What a bold woman you are."

The release of her wrist coaxed Eunyeong to pull her hands away from the man entirely. With one last smirk cast in her direction, the man turned and left the market booth. His followers turned and mirrored his movement.

Eunyeong risked a glance at her coworker, expecting him to be sending her scathing expression. Instead, the old man was staring off at the retreating group of men with a stoic expression on his face. When he finally looked to her, he said, "I'm going to have a talk with your uncle this evening. I'm going to request to share the same schedule as you."

The woman instantly grew nervous. She hadn't meant to cause a scene, but she could already feel that today had been the start of something unfortunate. Usually, her coworkers ignored Howon's behavior altogether, so she never had to worry about her uncle punishing her for any incidents occurring before.

"That's alright. I can manage on my own," she told the man. "It means a lot to me that you care, Jin-kyu, but please don't talk about what happened today with my uncle."

His eyes searched her face for a sign that she was downplaying the situation. He was sure that a young woman like Eunyeong must've been fearful of a hooligan such as the man he had just witnessed. Even after a few seconds had passed, he found no sign of fear. Of course, he was confused by this, but instead of arguing with the woman, he reluctantly nodded his head in agreement with her request. She released a breath of relief before she smiled a polite smile at the man. He gave a low grunt in response and then turned to continue doing his job.

It had been just before the sun began to set that the market began to close for the day. Eunyeong helped Jin-kyu lock up the farm's shop. They each carried a stick with two baskets full of excessive products hanging on the ends. In the royal areas of the country, they may have looked out of place. In the farming area of the country, they looked right at home. It was a common sight to see farmworkers struggling to carry such a weighted stick around on their shoulders. They walked alongside together along the gravel road. Their feet ached, but the pain they would feel later would be worth it. There was pride in working until your body ached. Not because it was fun to feel such pain, but because the pain seemed little when compared to the sight of their families enjoying a meal they had worked so hard to provide.

"Do you think that uncle's cow has gone into labor yet?" Eunyeong spoke up, breaking the silence that had embedded itself between the two farmworkers.

"Should have. Why? Looking forward to seeing the calf?" Jin-kyu responded. She could hear the teasing in his voice. Her mouth had just opened to reply when the old man next to her went crashing down onto the gravels beside her. Eunyeong gasped loudly, throwing the stick on her shoulders to the ground quickly. A figure raced her to Jin-kyu's body and before she could help the man to his feet, he was being turned over onto his back. A fist crashed against the old man's rough face. And then another. Eunyeong screamed out in anger. She kicked the old man's attacked away from his body. Jin-kyu looked up at her with wide eyes. His cheek was already beginning to bruise from the attack.

"Run Eunyeong," he spat out. When his attacker when to touch him again, the woman turned and lifted her discarded stick from the group. She turned and swung the wooden stick at the stranger's back as forcefully as she could manage. He howled with pain and covered the sound of the stick colliding against his figure. Taking advantage of the man's weakened state, she kicked him to the ground again before she rushed to help her coworker stand up. Together they ran towards the farm. Eunyeong held onto her stick as if her life depended on it. Every few seconds she would glance over her shoulder to see if the attacker was still following. He seemed to vanish completely after a few moments passed.

The woman was taken by surprise when she turned her head towards the direction of the farm. It had been so close, yet something was blocking her and Jin-kyu from reaching it. Three men stood in the middle of the pathway. She could recognize one as the previous attacker. Both she and her coworker came to a quick halt. Their chests rose and fell with short, quick breaths.

"Jin-kyu, what should we do?" Eunyeong breathed out. When she looked over at the man he was staring straight ahead with wide eyes. He was as clueless as she was. She grimaced at the realization. They were in trouble now. Her fingers wrapped themselves even tighter around the stick in her hand. If these men were looking for a fight then she would surely do her best to give them one.

The men suddenly raced towards her and the old man next to her. She swallowed nervously before she threw herself in front of Jin-kyu. When the first man reach her, she sent a forceful kick towards him. He grabbed her leg and held it as a blocking mechanism. Without his hands, he wasn't able to block the blow of the stick in the woman's hands. A vibrant ping echoed throughout the evening air as the stick clashed against the man's skull. He staggered backward, his hands flying up to hold his injured head. The woman quickly went to work with the other two men. She swung her stick towards them with confidence. Adrenaline was rushing through her veins as she did her best to defend both herself and Jim-kyu from the men. She was able to get one of the men in the eye with her stick. He cried out with surprise and stumbled into his companion, causing both of their balances to weaken.

Seeing an opportunity open up, she shot her foot out and wrapped it around the uninjured man's ankle before harshly jerking her foot. The man lost his balance completely and crashed to the ground. The other man still held onto his eye. Jin-kyu surprised the woman by swinging his fist at the attacker. The man's hand left his eye as he tried his best to catch his fall. He crashed onto the man who had just gone down seconds before him. The third man suddenly reappeared. He was strong this time, but his focus was no longer on the old man. Now he had a new mission: get rid of the stick in Eunyeong's hands. She fought against his tugs on the stick but ultimately lost her stick. Her eyes widened as a smug expression formed on his face. He snapped the wooden stick over his knee, something that should have been impossible.

"Howon sends a message. He wants you to know that he won't stand for your bold behavior," the man spoke in a deep voice. The other two men stood up soon after. The expression on their faces was less than pleased. The woman screamed in protest as the two men came behind her and held her arms behind her back.

"Eunyeong!" Jin-kyu gasped, stepping towards her. The third man decided at that moment to swing his arm towards the old man's face. Jin-kyu fell onto the ground. He crawled backward as his attacker took a step closer to him. Eunyeong struggled against the men's hold on her arms. Desperation was crawling up her arms and across her chest. If the man was too rough with Jin-kyu then he would kill him. She watched as the man pulled his fist back, ready to deliver yet another blow to the old man. Her eyes narrowed as she watched. Never before in her life had she felt so useless. The man moved his arm, but he wasn't able to land a punch. A blurry figure had tackled the attacker to the ground. Eunyeong could feel the men behind her move and her arms were free. She rushed to Jin-kyu's side and helped him back to his feet quickly. Instead of fighting, she decided to hold onto his hand and rush away from the scene and towards the farm.

She didn't spare a glance over her shoulder. Her heart was pounding and a light layer of sweat coated her skin. She didn't stop running, even when she and the old man had gone through the farm's entrance. Her feet only came to a stop when she had entered her uncle's office. He sat on the floor in front of a table with tea sitting on it. When he got a good look at the frantic pair in front of him, he shot up from his place on the floor.

"What's happened?" He asked with concern in his voice.

"A damned barbarian boy from the market sent his monkeys to attack us!" Jin-kyu growled out. Eunyeong's eyes widened as she looked over the old man.

"Why would he do that?" Her uncle questioned. She looked over at the middle-aged man. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked between her and her fellow farm worker.

Jin-kyu pulled his wrist away from Eunyeong's grasp. She hadn't even noticed that she was still holding onto the man. "He's infatuated with her. Showed up at the market earlier today and tried running over her like some big man. Must've gotten mad that she stood her ground."

Eunyeong's uncle looked her in the eyes. She could see the shock swimming in his dark irises. "Is this true?"

"Jin-kyu has never been a liar," she breathed out.

"If there's trouble like this happening because of you, girl, then I refuse to allow you to work on my farm any longer." Her uncle told her with a stern voice.

"Uncle, it isn't my fault-"

"I don't give a damn whose fault it is!" The man roared, cutting off her words before she could finish speaking. Her eyes widened at the man's outburst. She had never been spoken to by him in such a manner.

"Sir, she didn't mean to cause any trouble. It was the man's fault," Jin-kyu came to her defense. "She works hard."

Her uncle stared at her a few seconds longer before he turned to face the wall behind him. His hand raised to rest on his hips as he scoffed with disbelief. He stayed this way for a minute or so before he suddenly turned and pointed a finger at his niece.

"Let's go. I'll walk you home tonight. It's too dangerous for you to be on your own," he told her.

The tense woman turned to look at her coworker and bowed. "Please get some rest tonight. I am sorry for causing you trouble."

The man didn't say a word to her. She briefly met his eyes before she slipped out into the evening air. Her uncle followed closely behind her. There was a tense silence between the two as they walked through the farm fields and towards her home. She could see her mother's figure on the porch, watching as the two approached from the distance. When they finally arrived, her mother took one look at her and began clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.

"You look filthy child," the woman scolded her. Eunyeong could only look down at her dirty hands with shame. How would she face her father after causing such a disturbance for the farm? It was only a matter of seconds before her uncle would begin explaining why she would no longer be permitted to work.

"Where is my brother?" The man beside her asked. She almost winced at his tone. Her mother's eyes grew bigger at the sound. They averted from her uncle's face and fell onto Eunyeong.

"He's inside. His leg is hurting him more than usual today," Eunyeong's mother explained. "What's wrong?"

The man glanced down at his niece. She could feel his eyes on her. Shame was burning her skin. "I need to speak to him for a moment."

The young woman watched as her mother stepped aside, giving her uncle complete access to the entrance of the house. He did not hesitate in walking inside.

"Mom, I'm so sorry," Eunyeong spoke slowly. Her head was bowed with shame. "Uncle is going to forbid me from working on the farm any longer."

She heard her mother draw in a deep breath. For a moment she thought this was due to surprise brought on by the news. She was corrected when her mother sighed and said, "It was only a matter of time. Women are not meant to be farmworkers."

Her mother's words were more painful than her uncle's had been even when he was yelling at her. Her shoulders dropped while her eyes quickly glossed over with tears. Knowing that she had let down her family was the worst feeling she had ever felt. A blade in her heart would have been less painful than the feeling she experienced at that moment. Footsteps approached the entrance of the house. Her uncle was already departing? She couldn't look up. She didn't want him to see her shameful expression or the tears in her eyes. The feeling of his eyes on her felt like the sun's rays on the hottest summer day. The air in her lungs got stuck in her throat. The man didn't say a word to her, but bid good night to her mother. He bowed and then he left.

Her mother didn't waste another second outside. She listened as the woman retreated into their home and when she knew the woman was gone completely she dropped to her knees. Her head raised so that her eyes could take in the evening sky. Silent curses left her parted lips as her hands swatted away stray tears. The universe had given her an opportunity to prove herself worthy and she had failed to do that. It hurt to know that even her best was not enough.

"I won't give up," she whispered to the empty sky. It was a promise to both herself and the universe that tonight's events wouldn't hold her back from pursuing her goals. She would show her parents that she could do it. She would continue to put food on the table for them. Nothing, not even a foolish man like Howon, could stop her.

#chanyeol #park chanyeol #kpop fanfic #chanyeol fanfic #chanyeol fanfiction #fanfiction #exo #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #chanyeol x reader #chanyeol x oc #chanyeol story #mulan #mulan rewrite #mulan au #? #kpop fanfiction #park chanyeol fanfiction #park chanyeol fanfic #mighty

[hotchley]

hey sumayyah! i saw your sign!! I'm writing the JJ & Emily parts of the really out of the blue and shitty mini-whatever it is 💀 and hopefully I'll figure out how to shorten it or something lmaoo

but i wanted to come here and talk for awhile i guess

it's like, 2am where i am right now and I'm just so drained mentally like idk i can't seem to focus on getting all my work done (school work) and i just submitted a fake corrupted file to pass off as my homework because i haven't been able to finish it (it's not graded or anything it's just 2 biology practice papers for revision for the upcoming exam but they're really long & biology is not my strong subject......)

like I'm 60-70% done on both papers and yeah i feel so bad for doing what i did and i am still planning on finishing those 2 papers (both as legitimate practice/revision & just in case my teachers do check and decide to ask me to resubmit/send them the file through another channel) and idk i obviously can't really talk to any one in school about this so i came here.... sorry for this bout of negativity i just feel so drained inside and it's not even the first time.... I'm on my break right now (mid years break) but my break is ending in roughly 4-5 more days? and I've felt unmotivated and horrible throughout the entire break idk :/ idk if this is just burn out or something else.... I've been planning on finding a therapist/professional to talk to? but 1. i can't exactly do it "openly" because i come from a rather conservative family and mental health issues (& sexuality etc) aren't things we talk about in my family.... and 2. I'm still a full-time student & I'm not sure of what services are available + the costs and all the other concerns? so like idk I'm not even sure where to start :(

and because I've been feeling like cr*p most of the time the last 3 weeks, I've done absolutely nothing & so i have TONS of school assignments piled up (those that were due during the break I've finished (somehow lmao) and submitted, but those that are due AFTER the break when school reopens.... i have completely not touched) & the worst thing is I'm not even entirely sure what's my entire workload.... so i definitely have to start seriously getting my work done from tomorrow (technically today) onwards.... but like i genuinely have a hard time focusing on work and I'm not sure if it's just my issues with procrastination or if i have a genuine illness or something and i don't want to self diagnose so I've been trying to not think about this but lately it's been so hard because i can't even finish my work on time and exams are coming and it's just really affecting me? and it's getting worse? i don't even have anyone i can truly talk to about this irl too and SKDJSKSNS idk 😭😭

i am SO SORRY for all the negativity!!!!! i just felt so alone and really had to vent somewhere i am so sorry, feel free to delete this ask if you're uncomfortable 🥺

i hope you're having a much better day/night and i love you ❤️ your blog (& cm Tumblr) is really giving me hope & keeping me alive, if i can put it that way 🥺♥️♥️ thank you for being you, and thank you for simply existing. I'm sorry things got so depressing all of a sudden lmao I'll be fine (eventually, probably)

- 🌙

I feel like my answer got long, so I put it under the cut :)

YAY!

Also, I did see this when you initially sent it, but I'm working on boundaries and priorities, which is why I didn't answer it then- I just needed a break <3

Look, you're learning during a pandemic that has disrupted everything and caused a lot of pain and stress. One corrupted file does not make you a bad student. You're still going to try.

There were so many days during lockdown where I just... didn't submit any work, and then I would submit it later saying the thing broke- which seemed believable because the thing we used never functioned properly.

And we cannot be happy or perfect all the time. Sometimes we need to share our problems. I have always said you can talk to me, it just may take me a few days depending on my own situation, and I stand by that.

Sometimes breaks just make us more miserable. Sometimes it is just genuinely a phase that you will snap out of. Sometimes it isn't. Either way, you need to let yourself feel this. Don't try and bury it. That'll be worse.

So when it comes to therapists, if you've been thinking of seeing one, go for it. Chances are, it'll help.

I get what you mean. I don't know what it's like where you are, but in England, everyone over 16 has control over the medical stuff. That basically means your parents cannot be told what you're doing, and you can do things without their knowledge. If I wanted to make an appointment, I wouldn't need to tell them I was making it, or what was discussed. Neither can the doctors.

I asked one of my friends (I have consent to share this), and she said that she went through the BetterHelp website, and that it's really helping her. Now I know BetterHelp had some real serious problems, so I would be cautious, but that is one option. Hers is between £50-£60 a session, but there were cheaper options.

You could also go through your school!! My school has what is called a "well-being practitioner" who you can just go and see when you're feeling down, and it all remains confidential UNLESS they think intervention is needed. So you could see if there are any sessions they do, or if there's any help you can get from them :)

I have seen SO, SO many teachers on TikTok recently say two things: ask them for help if you need it, and they will give it, and just do something. I don't know what you're teachers are like, but they're probably stressed and burnt out too. If you need an extension or a break or help, they'll do their best.

And if you can't do everything, then just do one thing. Do your favourite subject, or the easiest thing. I know people say do the hardest thing first because then everything gets easier, but the one time I did that, I started crying and I gave up for a good three days so...

If you've done extensive research, then maybe it is something, and if you think that there is that, then you should try and get tested <3 and it's okay if there really is nothing. Sometimes brains are weird

You don't ever have to apologise for being human <3 Remember how I mentioned crying for twenty minutes to my history teacher? I said the same thing to him: that I feel bad talking about these things because everyone has their own problems. His response was: well yes, but there are so many people that want to help you. And they would tell you if you were being a burden.

You need to trust that. And it's hard. It's painful. It's difficult. But I promise you, telling someone will always be better than bottling it up- and this comes from the person that was pissed for six weeks because I got a phone call home from someone higher up because previously mentioned history teacher told them that I was not doing great

I love you too!!

And sometimes life gets you down! That's okay! Things will get better! Maybe this isn't healthy, but my thing is: things will work out, and things will get better because they need to, and I refuse to believe I am living a life where they won't.

You will be fine! I have every faith in you!!

#🌙anon #people talk to me

[thejeksburyguy]

Warning: discussion of mental health and dark topics

I know I joke about my mental health and sleep deprivation on here. Alot. I reblog a lot of nihilistic humour and put 'lol same' or 'm e' in the tags. But in all honesty, my mental and physical health as of late is... not.. the best...

I haven't slept a full eight hours in weeks. I haven't slept for more than four hours in a few days now, and it just keeps getting worse. Recently I went four days in a row without sleeping at all, and I'm fairly certain I started hallucinating a bit before my body just hit the emergency brakes, and even then I only slept for two hours, maybe three. I might be starting to hallucinate again, actually, but I'm choosing to ignore that.

My depression has made a violent comeback, and my appetite is starting to go as well. If it weren't for someone very close to me (who I'm just going to refer to as Hyde from now on), I probably wouldn't be eating, but he pushes me to take care of myself and won't take 'I'm not hungry' for an answer. I haven't weighed myself (I'm actively avoiding looking or even touching a scale, I do NOT need to trigger my ED into waking up, I have enough on my plate (haha w o o p s) as it is), but I've probably started losing weight again.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide are returning. It's getting harder everyday to ignore them. I have so much work to do, from school, from my parents, I haven't even had holiday breaks off because one of my teachers keeps assigning work over the holidays. Everyday more work gets added to the pile, and I'm struggling to keep up, but reaching out for help is pointless; half of my teachers treat me like I'm a burden on their life, and the other half I don't want to bother because my own mental illnesses prevent me from seeking help.

It's one of those 'it feels easier to just swim down' situations. I just want to hit the bottom and breathe out and drown. It really doesn't help that my mother completely ignored the doctor's orders and warnings and has not only made me aware of where my pills are, but has given me full access to them and trusts me to take them myself. It's tempting to overdose. It really is. And I'm scared, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out before my brain wins. Hyde helps alot, but he can only do so much.

I guess I'm writing this to clear my mind? Or maybe it's because, if I do go through with it one day, I don't want you all to wonder where I am. I don't intend this as a suicide note, not at all, and for now I'm not giving in, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll survive finals week, heh heh. I know I've had public mental breakdowns in the past on here, but I haven't been 100% honest about how bad it is.

I have had 3 suicide attempts, only one of which my parents know about, and even then believe it was just me 'thinking about it'.

I have thoughts of killing myself and self-harming everyday, without fail.

I have high-functioning depression. Most of the people I interact with either have no idea I'm depressed, or don't know just how bad it is.

I have a lot of undiagnosed problems, things I believe are serious and need to be addressed, but as a teenager I can't do that myself.

It's 3:17 am right now. I should really go to sleep. I can't. My body won't let me, and the few times I do I have horrific night terrors. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I know I make alot of connections between myself and TGS Jekyll, but I'm not trying to be memey or clever when I say I am genuinely terrified of being locked up in an insane asylum. My mother has already threatened to send me to one, not because of my mental health, but as a punishment or to 'scare me straight' due to a fight we had. I feel like I can't be honest with any of the adults in my personal life or I'll be strapped in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell. I'm probably wrong, but this is genuinely what I think of when I think 'insane asylum':

I know I probably should be in one. I'm a danger to myself, and most likely to others as well. I have a lot of tendencies and urges I suppress (alongside with my queerness; I'm openly queer on here and with friends at school, but most of it is either forced flamboyance or, when around other people, suppressing it and pretending to be cishet), most of which I know for a fact are a one way ticket to the loving embrace of medical torture. But I can't get into detail about it or ask for help or I'll be seen as attention seeking, faking it, or trying to be Edgy.

My therapist is incredibly sweet, but I'm not honest with her. I keep a lot from her. I feel like I'm burdening her, or she'll judge me. She won't, she's made it clear she cares about me, truly, but my brain won't let me progress and get the help I need. This meme I made pretty much sums up my life in one image:

I don't know why I'm even making this post anymore. I feel so manipulative, like I'm begging for pity and attention. I don't want that; I'd almost prefer getting anons telling me to shut up and kill myself, heh heh! At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm emotionally damaging people who care about me.

I sincerely hate myself for making this post now, actually. I want to delete it all, but I've spent so much time on it, it'd be wasted if I didn't post it. I can't afford to waste time, my brain might actually short circuit if it realizes I wasted time I could have been using to work. What is relaxing or free time, heh heh heh.

...I think I'm going to go cry to Hyde now.

#depression #depression tw #suicide mention #suicidal ideation #suicide attempt mention #self-harm mention #eating disorder tw #eating disorder mention #failing mental health #insomnia #sleep deprivation #insane asylum #insane asylum tw