#i'm tired of having to constantly fight my brain and of feeling horrible all the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xxlordalexanderxx · 1 year

Text

Get to know the author!

name: Jessica or Slurku

pronouns: She/Her

preference of communication: Either here via IM or Discord. I don't like to give out my discord freely, if you really want it, ask.

most active muse: Alexander and Cromwell. Don't got time for anyone else atm.

experience / how many years: Been RPing since March 7th 2006 for nearly 17 years now ( I have that kind of memory) I got my start on Gaiaonline did a lot of anime RPs like Inuyasha and Full Metal Alchemist and Naruto and Pokemon and I'm not fucking proud of how I used to write shit either. I would take a 3-4yr break before coming back to RP on tumblr where I was in the Wreck it Ralph fandom from 2012-2018. I would occasionally RP on skype when that was relevant as well. I had a few RPs in dA notes for some reason but that didn't last long.

platforms you use: tumblr, not interested in RPing in discord or anywhere else.

best experience: When I first debuted my evil ( or more evil and animalistic) King Candy Cybug and freaked a bunch of people out, that was funny as hell.

rp pet peeves: Being rushed for anything ever. This is my hobby and you are not paying me, do not ever rush me for anything even if you are nice about it. Because regardless of how nice your are I can still see that you are being impatient with me. I am a person with a life and health issues who also takes care of a parent with no kidneys.

Too many fight RPs scare me, I get skeeved out because I had a horrible fucking time after a while in the WiR fandom. Just constant fight and big-dick muse measuring is annoying. Anyone can make their muse god.

This isn't to say I won't do them, there has to be reason for it. Alexander looking to hunt someone but said quarry decides to fight back is more than welcomed.

Not being able to land hits on muses when fighting and taking all the hits sucks and I will write myself out of said fight because at the point things get boring. Fighting is give and take. Alexander is tanky and I will write him as such but he can be hurt too.

Lore breaking is pretty upsetting to me.

People who don't readmore super long replies. There's really no excuse not to do it, you can do it on mobile even so...

Making starters for people who never answer them. I will not do so again but you are free to throw one my way.

Relentlessly and constantly, and I mean over staying your welcome with annoying my muse get's tiring at some point. I do have fun with Alex getting irritated but if it's just all the fucking time I get a little irked myself. I know it's fun to poke at the big bad scary monster man but my brain starts to hurt piloting this big bitch of a man at some point, please chill sometimes.

fluff, angst, or smut: All are good in moderation.

plots or memes: I don't mind either or.

long or short replies: For plots, medium to long as long as things are formatted to not clog the dash. I don't mind short replies but only if muses are just shooting the shit. I'm not a fan of one-liners for plots.

best time to write: When I'm well rested, fed, showered, properly medicated, hydrated, caffeinated, and gotten my irl stuff taken care of and whenever I feel like it.

are you like your muse(s): Sometimes. In a more milder sense I'm not trying to eat people I'm a lot nicer than he is but I don't take any shit either.

tagged by: Stolen from @cflight

tagging: God

#|| 🗡️dash games🗡️ ||#|🫖out of tea🫖|#⭐|slurkmun |⭐#long post

13 notes · View notes

gatameiga · 2 years

Text

Been ages since I came here. I tend to spend months, even years, away from things that make me happy... That's depression for you.

When I cannot get myself out of bed. When I'm so mentally tired, and my brain has dropped any hope for living, not even coffee or some super caffeinated soda drinks can make more lucid. I'm just in the fog, in an unreachable place in my mind.

Those are the bad days. But, there are good days too.

My first, real, good day after almost 15 years with undetectable depression, was when, just after started medication, I woke up and didn't feel tired, no foggy mind, no body exhaustion... I even cried, I couldn't remember that sensation anymore.

I've been happy those years; lovely family, had nephews (6) that get me crazy when they are all together, married the love of my life, have wonderful in-laws that make feel so cherished and loved too, husband got good job, no problems of making the ends meet.

Come to live in a quiet and loving town, in-laws super near... Got a dog, a big good boy... I was happy, I was sure of it, but the fog never left me, always crawling in my mind, making my body exhausted and my mind absent...

That's endogenous depression for you.

I'll have to fight it all my life, there is no trigger, no tragic lost of loved one, money problems, family abuse, lack of opportunities... Just, my mind is broken, and I have to live with it. Good news? My life IS really amazing, I don't want to brag too much but, it's true, I didn't experience something so traumatic that made me this way.

It's just I have one loose screw since birth, but that didn't stop me from having and amazing childhood, funny teenager years, go to university, get my degree, met the love of my life... It's just the fog, that never clears. It's having, literally, headaches almost constantly, go to sleep with horrible headache, first thing I notice when I wake up, the headache. They always stayed for two weeks or more, never dissappearing, never going better. No medication working...

And even so, even all this, I was happy.

Turns out, when my depression hit the maximum peak, after an horrible work experience, that we finally discovered the problem. It's been three years already, I've been working non-stop since then, having the support and love of all my family.

My husband is the breadwinner, he accepted me since the start, and now I'm out the work force, just working in myself. New healthy habits, medication readjustment 'till we get the sweet spot, rediscovering the things I loved to do, crying out loud for getting back the sensation of enjoying a hobby...

I don't know who I really am. I've had depression all my life and I actually don't know a lot of things about myself.

"Caminante, son tus huellas el camino y nada más; caminante, no hay camino, se hace camino al andar" - Antonio Machado.

There is no finish line, just a long way I will travel with my loved ones, until the day I return to the chaos, to the universe...

#depressiv #mental illness #wellbeing #goalchaser

6 notes · View notes

irlkanamedate · 30 days

Text

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

0 notes

batfam-chaos · 4 years

Text

#holy text post batman!#i wish i would stop see-sawing between feeling okay for a few hours and then feeling absolutely awful the rest of the time #this is the third straight day of feeling like utter shit #i know it's Trauma Brain stuff but holy shit #it feels like everything is on fire and it's so hard to do anything because my brain is so bad #i'm just so TIRED #i'm tired of having to constantly fight my brain and of feeling horrible all the time #i keep telling myself to keep fighting and im going to keep doing it #but fighting your brain 24/7 really takes a toll #i just want to feel okay again #i want to be able to have a Normal Bad Day because i stubbed my toe or something #and not because it feels like my brain is trying to eat me alive #i keep reminding myself that this is my brain trying to keep me alive #it's doing its best #in some ways this is easier than my depressive episodes because at least my brain isnt actively stealing all of my serotonin #but also it's so hard to do things because im literally being attacked by my brain #MY OWN BRAIN... IN MY OWN HOUSE........ THE AUDACITY #im so mad because im going to grad school!!!!! im supposed to be happy!!!!!!! i've worked so hard to get here #but now i'm getting fucking pulverized by my own brain #also i'm worried because i dont have any responsibilities rn bc research and classes havent even started but im still getting triggered #whats it going to be like once i have to do things??????#the way i'm living rn is so unsustainable because it's exhausting #i just want to be okay

10 notes · View notes

cherry-ber · 4 years

Text

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy?”

Pairing: idol! Mark Lee x female reader

Plot: Lonesome creeps into everyone's mind, even those who seem to have it all.

Genre: fluff mostly, angst.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, extremely painful for me to write this since I feel lonely idk if that triggers you too.

A.N: inspired by the first draft of too drunk to fuck and my bff's dependence of wine to exist 😳 this took me 10 hours to write but it might still be pretty shit. And yeah Clueless some how

After a long, long week of continuous recordings, dance practices, re-recordings and photo sessions, all he wanted to do, was sleep for twenty hours straight. He knew that he was a very lucky man, he was really living the dream. Not everyone was able to do what they loved, with people they genuinely liked, and still get payed for it, but he was. He had always been grateful, he knew the real value of things in real life, and sometimes he felt like he didn't even deserve it.

An insane amount of people knew his name, knew him, and constantly made sure that he knew how appreciated he was, but he couldn’t understand it at all. Sure, he proved himself over and over again how great he could be, and he was proud too, but why did people really loved him? Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself, but lately he was struggling even more, he felt lost and unworthy, he felt guilty, even, because he shouldn't feel this way.

Mark was home alone, after his friends went out to have dinner and drinks. He excused himself out of the reunion saying that he would call his parents and then heading straight to the bed. He wasn't lying at all, he did have a small call with his family, and then went to his room, expecting that he'd fall asleep soon and forget about what he was feeling, he was done with that for today.

He played a movie in his computer, knowing that whatever it was, he wasn't paying attention anyway. He hated to admit it, but he felt like he was missing something, rather, someone. He felt ridiculous, knowing how much people loved him, how many friends he had, but he couldn’t help it, he would be lying if he didn't say he could use a little company. Mark was busy most of the time, which, although tiring, was an escape from his loneliness, it was moments like this where he'd have enough time to sink in this small puddle of angsty feelings, that just grew until it was as big as an ocean. He couldn't explain why he felt so bad, he had enough friends to count on, and even when he considered he was only in need of a physical affect, it turned out to not be the answer, even when he masturbated, when he was finished, those feelings were still there. As the movie went on without him noticing, he turned his head to the side, and imagined someone next to him, wearing his clothes and stealing his blanket. He giggles, imagining cuddling someone to sleep, their heat making him feel home. He finally closes his tired eyes with a smile, hoping his dreams will be sweet and last long.

He wakes up in a bad mood, and doesn't really want to talk to anyone, his older friends notice, and decide to let him be, they know that if something is really wrong, he'll come to them eventually. After a quick shower, he decided he needed some privacy, some time alone, despite being scared of being stuck with himself, and went out on his own, ignoring the texts on the group chat, where everyone wondered where he was going. He had breakfast in a small Cafe, went to a movie matinee, an art gallery, a theater play, and then to a mall to buy himself expensive clothes. He had an okay day, and he grew a little bit of joy, finding himself alone and still almost enjoying his time, but mostly, ignoring his mind when he saw a couple, and wished he could have that too. He enters a restaurant, intending to order something take out for his friends, as an apology for being moody and worrying them. He waits stand up next to the door, with a cup of coffee they offered him, until he suddenly turns around after hearing his order being ready, and ceashes with someone as he does. He spilled his drink over his and their clothes. He starts apologizing, but all he gets as a response is a soft, sweet giggle. He looks to the stranger's face, and is met with a fond smile.

“It's okay, go get your food, I can fix myself”

He's caught off guard, and all he can do is shake his head yes and do as he is told, coming back to them, apologizing again.

“I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry” he's totally embarrassed, and he feels a blush running through his face.

“It's alright, it wasn't your fault”

The stranger walks inside to take a table, and he rushes out, walking back home. That giggle makes its way to his mind a couple times as he arrives.

After eating, he goes to bed, feeling somehow full with himself, but he doesn't know if it was after forcing himself to like him, or if he was so desperate for someone that a small interaction like that would get him sleepless thinking this person would be his person.

On that same week, he founds himself running into that same stranger everywhere. When he goes get coffee with his friends, when they go to buy groceries, when he heads to the studio, and he wonders if he should be worrying, but decides not to.

Surprisingly, he founds her again, when he is entering a new coffee shop, and she walks her way out. He opens the door for her, and is met with her fond smile again, that grows larger as she recalls his face. She mumbles a sweet 'thank you' and keeps walking. Some courage grows inside Mark, and blurts out whatever his brain was fast enough to say.

“Thanks for not spilling that coffee back” the young lady finds the sentence, although awkward, funny, and turns back to him to reply.

“Maybe I should pay for your coffee, though, you were enjoying it until I crashed into you” Her melodic voice is enough to put Mark in a trance, and loses control of what he's doing, disconnecting from his awkward self.

“Actually it was my fault” he giggles remembering how sweet she was, even after Mark probably just ruined her day “Did you get a horrible stain?”

She walks closer to him, small steps that make his heart beat faster.

“It wasn't horrible, I wouldn't say that, it was just, slightly bad”

“I don't want to be a weirdo, are you busy right now? I could use some chatting, and I really owe your laundry money”

She was never an outgoing person, but she was flattered by his proposal. She was meeting someone, but she figured it wouldn't be important enough to not cancel.

“I would love that, but you owe me nothing” she giggles and walks beside him into an empty table.

“I'm Mark, by the way”

“I know that” she laughs it off, attempting for things not to be awkward “My name is Y/N”

It was only after several months, that Mark found himself, again, over thinking about how lonely he was, and how desperate he was for it to end. Whenever he had the chance, he'd spend time with his new friend, and for some weeks, thats was enough, until he realized that, all she wanted from him, was a friendship. His friends noticed, too, how after a while, that wasn't enough for him, but he was terrified he'd lose her, but they'd often try to help him out in whatever way other men would think was best, teasing her when she was at the dorms, insinuating how cute of a couple they'd be, and shamelessly asking if by any chance, she'd have feelings for him, never really giving away Mark's crush on her, not explicitly at least.

One afternoon, when they were all watching a movie together, when suddenly, Johnny and Taeyong convinced everyone to go out and have dinner, even after Mark suggested they just called the restaurant, because he was too tired to go out.

“Oh” Taeyong said, grabbing his keys and putting on a hat “then you can stay here with Y/N and order something and we can take our time”

The girl was a little disappointed, she loved spending time with the other guys two, but she agreed, knowing that Mark wouldn't want be convinced to leave the couch.

She sees then leave, and turns around to look at her friend, somehow aware of what his friends were trying to do; leave them alone, after last night they discussed Mark should just accept the reject, and confess. The boy asked, pleaded and begged them not to leave them alone, after he opened up about his feelings, but of course, his friends thought they'd know better.

“Can you order pizza while I take a shower?” his attention called back to where he was, as the sweet woman walked into the living room, with a bottle of wine and two cups. Mark chocked in his spit, when the thought of her showering, and how much he'd love to enter the scene, crossed his mind.

“Yeah, sure” he watched her walking away “Do you want some clothes?”

“Well, if I could steal one of your hodies tonight, I wouldn't mind”

He does as he's asked, calling a pizzeria and taking off his hoodie, hoping that she'd appreciate the smell of his cologne, that he wears only when she's coming around.

When she comes out, wearing her jeans and tank top, he throws the sweater at her, she puts it on and sits in the couch next to him, ready to start eating, reaching out for the bottle to serve them a cup after the first bite.

“I don't want to drink that” he'd never been a fan of alcohol, he knew he could use a boost, but he was still afraid of it.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“I don't drink wine” She recalled how he'd often drink with Johnny and her, whenever Johnny wanted to open a bottle, which happened quite often, but decided not to insist, although she did pour a cup for herself.

Mark, and any other men, really, always wondered what could she be thinking about, she was wild, energetic, but calmed and peaceful, she was always kind, but wouldn't hesitate to start a fight if to defend herself or someone else, she was never scared, but she was sensitive and fragile. He couldn't help the sigh that left his body, remembering why he had feelings for her in the first place. He knew how much she'd hate to be in a relationship, they had already discussed it, after some girl confessed to Mark, and she mentioned how relationships to her were useless, since she got all the love she wanted from her friends, and that way, she made sure that all the love she gave was reciprocal. When he told his manager about his feelings, expecting him to give him helpful advice, he just told him to forget about her. “women like her are too complicated, it's not worth it”. He wondered then, how many other guys would think the same, and refused to be one of those.

They were both full, and cuddling in the couch, she was sipping her second cup, when Mark suddenly poured a cup for himself too, and drank it in one large sip. He felt a rush through his body, his face flustered, and a numb sensation in his limbs. He was trying to keep himself still, but the sudden alcohol in his body made him bubbly and the woman next to him realized. The cheesy romcom that was playing on the back made him giggle in every other scene, and with every minute that went by, he felt looser and looser. He served another cup and drank it just as fast as the first one. Soon, he found himself leaning towards the body that sat next to him. Y/N pat her thigh, inviting Mark to rest his head there, which he did, while fidgeting with his fingers.

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy” he lets out in a serious tone.

Giggly, his friend shakes her head no, and places her cup in the table in front of them. “Do you feel like sexy?”

He sits himself back, eyes wide open, same serious expression in his face.

“I guess so?” he laughs at how dumb he must sound “I feel... Jiggly”

Her sweet, loud laugh fills the room, and Mark is proud of himself for making her so happy.

“Love, you should go to sleep already” he feels his face hotter and hotter, and can only imagine how red he must be “you were already tired, I'll clean up and meet you in your room-”

Mark bursts out of his bubble and speaks

“Don't do that” he says softly, as if he was genuinely hurt by her words “Please, don't do that”

Worried, Y/N walks closer to him, “Do what?”

He looks down to his feet, feeling tears forming in his eyeballs, product of his low alcohol tolerance, and his overall emotional state. “Dont call me love. You don't love me”

She reaches for his hands, attempting to make him look straight at her eyes “Of course I love you Mark”

“Not the way I want you to”

She had never been good with other people's feelings, especially romantic feelings, she had a hard time catching indirects.

“In which way is that?” hesitant, Mark stares at her for a couple seconds, before staring at her lips, too numb to do better, he grabes her chin and pulls her closer to him, a sweet, slow kiss surprising her as much as himself. When he pulls away and expects a response of any kind, all she can do is try to look at him.

“Oh, Mark” she finally manages to say “is this the way you feel?” he nods, still nervous but hopeful that she'll feel the same “You're drunk, go to sleep” she turns around as she cleans as quick as she can, as mark makes his way to his room, or to the first room he sees open.

Before the other men living in the dorms arrive and ask questions that she doesn't want to answer, she leaves, leaving a post it note in the fridge for Mark”

“Drink water and have a painkiller,

I had to go home. Thanks for the wine

-Y/N”

Too many weeks after, Mark calls her phone one more time before he enters the dorms, wondering if he had really done the worst thing in the world, for her to ghost him like that. He let a tired sigh out, grateful that he was home alone again. He goes to his room, ready to sleep for as long as he can, but when he opens the door, the lights are on, and in his bed sits what could be only described as an angel, beautiful as always, smiling and kind Y/N, with a cup of wine in her delicate hands, and another one on his nightstand, that she offers him as he's taking off his shoes and sweater.

With pain and regret in her eyes, as he's taking the first sip, she attempts to break the silence. “You ever notice how wine makes people feel sexy?”

179 notes · View notes

juulcharg3r · 3 years

Text

Why’d It Have to Be Hermione?

Summary: Your boyfriend and best friend suck. Based on the song Hailey by WRENN

Pairing: Ron Weasley x Girlfriend!Reader

Word Count: 2,030

WARNINGS: Swearing, cheating, angst I suppose (I don't think I'm very good at making things sad outside my own brain oops)

Same day, same night

Always feeling our fights

Like a fire in an empty house

Gone off somewhere

All I know is you’re not here

You think I’d have learned by now

You had had a premonition that this birthday wasn't going to be as pleasant as the last three with Ron had been. Maybe it was the rain, though you usually rather quite liked the rain, or maybe it was the screaming match you were currently having with your boyfriend of four years.

“Are you kidding me, Ronald? It's my BIRTHDAY!” You’d been with Ron since your days in Hogwarts, since 5th year, and he had never missed your birthday before.

“Bloody Hell, Y/N, it's not like I can control it! It's an emergency meeting, I have to go.”

“You promised we would spend the whole day together.”

“And we will! Just not right now. I have to go.” You watch Ron grab his wand and bag and head towards the door, “I’ll see you later.”

“Fine. I love y-” The door slams, effectively cutting you off. “Great. Best birthday ever.” You let yourself fall backwards onto the bed you shared with your boyfriend, “The Dark Lord is dead. What the fuck could they possibly be having a meeting about at 6A.M.?”

You stew in your thoughts, your anger slowly subsiding. Maybe you were being unreasonable. Ron was right, he couldn’t control when they had meetings. You were just hurt because he always had meetings and had canceled many dates for them. You just wanted to spend your birthday with him, to have one day where he spent the entire day with you and all his focus was on you for once.

Eventually you sit up and mope downstairs to make yourself coffee to wake up. There was no point in trying to get a few more hours of sleep, not after a fight with Ron. They always left you feeling empty and you were left sitting alone in a desolate house.

It was awful. Constantly fighting with Ron about the littlest things, about the stupidest things. It had been going on for months and it was always the same. Ron would either miss a date or one of you would do the littlest thing, then you’d fight, he’d leave and go somewhere, and you’d cry yourself to sleep in the spare bedroom. He would come home eventually (he always did), though you never knew when and if you’d ask he would say he went to the pub and then things would go back to normal between you two.

But when you would do laundry the next day, you'd notice his clothes would never spell like the cigarettes and beers that normally came along with a trip to the pub.

The fights would eat you alive. For days after you would feel awful, like you were being burned from the inside out. The arguing left you feeling empty inside but as if you were on fire. You were like an empty house on fire, nothing inside to burn but the structure was slowly but surely succumbing to the flames.

“Why haven’t I learned?”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ron finally came home, six hours later. There was no way in hell a meeting lasted six hours, but you were tired of arguing.

“Hey, Baby.” Ron grins at you as he walks in and kisses you on the lips.

‘Hey!” You smile tightlipped at the man you love, “How was the meeting?” He seemed to be in much better spirits than he had been this morning.

“It was fine.” Came the simple response.

“Oh, what was it about?”

“Y/N you know I can’t tell you that.”

“Right…” You trailed off before you remembered your original plans for today and became excited again, “Well do you still want to go to the art museum? I want to see the new exhibit on Picasso!”

“I’m tired from the meeting and I just want to relax. I’m going to nap before dinner tonight, Babe, you go without me.”

“What? The whole point was… Okay. Fine.” You accio your wand and wallet and apparate to The National Gallery in Muggle London. “Fucking piece of shit,” you stomp into the gallery, but the sight of the paintings quickly erases your anger. You had always loved art and were impressed by the skills that some people hold. You could see their passion in the brushstrokes and the feelings poured into the paint.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Eventually you made your way to the exhibit on Pablo Picasso. Something about his art just spoke to you, you weren’t sure what it was.

An hour and a half later, you thought you had seen all his work encased in the exhibit until in the back corner of the room you saw it. A painting you had never seen before entitled The Melancholy Woman.

You stood staring at it with an air of familiarity, though this was the first time you had laid eyes on it. You realized it was because you had been sitting in the same position all this morning. After getting your coffee you had spent several hours sitting on your couch facing the window but not looking out. You instead wallowed in self-pity wondering what had happened between you and Ron that caused all the fighting.

“Oh my god.” Faced with the reality of your own sadness you all but ran out of the gallery and to a good spot to apparate home.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You say she’s just a friend, well okay

Why’s she showing up at midnight on my birthday?

Why’s she crying in your arms looking a mess?

And you’re looking at me like you gotta confess

Not the first time you held her

You were home now and were curled up next to Ron on the couch watching your favorite movie. Ron was stroking your hair and you felt lighter than you had in months. You and Ron had had a wonderful evening at dinner, for the first time in a long time. You went to your favorite restaurant and laughed all night long, but the sense of foreboding from this morning lingered. You shook off the feeling and thought maybe your premonition was wrong and you were just being silly, nothing bad had happened after you came back from the art gallery.

Then the doorbell rang.

You and Ron look at each other weirdly, who was showing up at your house this late at night? You both pad to the door, Ron looks through the peephole and then opens the door with hesitance, “Mione? What are you doing here? It’s nearly midnight.” Hermione, your best friend since second year, looked like a mess, her hair was knotted, and clothes wrinkled.

The foreboding feeling that had been licking at you all night was now crashing over your entire body.

Hermione was crying and was well past ruining her mascara, “I... I don't know.” Then she threw herself into your boyfriend's arms and started sobbing violently.

You were too shocked to move. What do you do in this situation? Your best friend was sobbing in his chest at midnight on your birthday. You were about to ask if she was okay when Ron looked at you and the expression turned your blood to ice. He looked like he was about to confess something horrible to you and you knew then that this wasn’t the first time this had happened. This wasn’t the first time he had held her, crying and not.

You took a step back, shaking your head, “No no no no no. You didn’t. No-”

“Y/N let me explain!”

“No, you fucking didn’t. This is a lie. This can't be real. Did you really? Are you serious? With her?”

“Baby please,” Ron untangles himself from Hermione and leaves her on the floor to approach you.

You hold out your hands to stop him from getting closer, “Did you even have a meeting today? Or were you just with her? Were any of these ‘emergency meetings’ real or were they just excuses to go see her?”

“Y/N…”

The sound of your name on his lips told you everything you needed to know, “That's what I thought.” You glare at him with more anger and sadness than he thought possible, “And on my fucking birthday. Fuck you, Ron Weasley.” You dash upstairs to the bedroom you once shared with your boyfriend.

Mascara stains dripping down your t-shirt

Now I’m packing a bag, but I gotta ask

Out of everyone, everyone else

Why’d it have to be Hailey?

You throw clothes blindly into an old, ratty backpack while ignoring as Ron begged you to stay. As you pack you stew in your own thoughts, wanting to scream at him, wanting to punch him in the face, stomp on his head, and just ask why.

“I gotta ask… Why’d it have to be Hermione?” Your brain was stuck on the mascara stains on his shirt as he stood in the doorway of your bedroom. She ruined everything, both Ron’s shirt and your heart. She was your best friend, how could she? She knows how much you love him.

“W-what?”

“Out of everyone, everyone else in the entire fucking wizarding world, why did it have to be Hermione?”

“Y/N, I…” Ron trails off, he doesn’t know the answer to your question.

“I mean I guess that explains what I heard in the back of Harry and Ginny’s birthday card to me,” you open your bedside table drawer and take out an envelope with a card in it. It's one of those cards where you record a birthday message in your own voice for the recipient. You throw it at your boyfriend and cross your arms. When he opens it, the sound of Ginny and Harry’s voices yelling out greetings and the lyrics to Happy Birthday to You burst out. After their offkey rendition that had initially put a smile on your face, in the background there is the faintest conversation going on.

“Are you gonna tell her?” The first voice asks.

“There’s no point.” The second responds.

“She’s gonna find out eventually.” The first voice presses.

“I mean it doesn’t matter if she does at this point.” The second voice concludes. Then Harry and Ginny finish their well wishes for you and say goodbye and that they love you. When you first listened to it you thought you were hearing wrong, but after this… There was no mistaking it now, those were the voices of your boyfriend of four years and your best friend of seven years.

You say that I’ve got it all wrong, but I think I know you better than myself

Don’t you get tired of always playing the victim and running your mouth?

“No, Baby, no. You- you’ve got this all wrong! I wouldn’t-”

“Ronald, we have been together for too long. I know you better than I know myself sometimes and this is one of those times. You would because you did.”

“No Y/N I didn't I swear!! Hermione came onto me! I love you; you know that! I wouldn't cheat on you, it was an accident, I swear!”

At this point you couldn't hold back the tears and were openly sobbing, “It wasn't an accident, Ronald.”

“YES, IT WAS!”

“Maybe it was an accident the first time, but you chose her over me every time after that. It was a choice that you made and now you have to live with it.” And with that you shove past him, bag and wand in hand and sprint down the stairs. You pause to stare at Hermione who no doubt heard your entire conversation. “I hope you’re happy, Hermione. You got what you wanted.”

“Y/N/N, I’m so sorry-”

“Save it. I do not care what you have to say. I hope you and Ron are very happy together.” You step over her body on the floor, out the door, and out of their lives forever.

Why’d it have to be Hailey?

Out of everyone, everyone else

Why’d it have to be Hailey?

FINISHED

#harry potter #ron weasley #hermione granger #ron weasley x reader #ginny weasley #harry potter x reader #harry potter imagine #ron weasley imagine #hp #hp imagine #x readers by Jules #Why’d It Have to Be Hermione?

52 notes · View notes

thegc4life · 3 years

Note

Hello, Dearheart 💛 I'm dropping by to ask if you have any little ficlets or plot bunnies you'd be willing to share. I've been wanting to write my own, but I don't have the skills to bring anything to fruition. Your works always get my imagination & creativity a running start! If not, I simply want to also wish you a good day/night wherever & whenever you are to see this :)

-Starlight anon 🌠

Starlight! My dearest dear!! You can’t call me Dearheart, love, it will kill me T-T my whole heart. Melted.

And awwww! What a sweet thing to say! I have a whole doc of fic ideas and wips but the majority of them are gifts for people so they must remain a secret! There is a whole section at the end full of random ideas I didn’t know where to put though XD

I’ll put those in, if you’re interested! It’s really just me rambling ideas to myself. But they are cute and/or brain snatching so I think about them a lot.

A lot.

Here you go, Dove!

Apparently a sequel to Haunted House is much loved. Ponder. (Hawks being oblivious to the villain things, they all word it so well XD Heroes think he’s innocent bird guy that needs to be *warned*. Hawks wins over both sides by being an idiot? Perhaps.) oh. OH! (OR, Smokey had a wonderful brain idea, Hawks knows and actively helps them but because of his dedication to them for saving him, his love for them *cough*Spinner*cough* he goes above and beyond all the damn time to keep them all safe and is constantly overworked and exhausted. As Hawks are want to be. So Spinner keeps forcing him to rest or arguing with the others about overworking him. Family bond family bond family bond). Or literally just do a montage of cute with Spinner trying and failing horribly (but in fact succeeding cause the fails are cute af) to flirt and take care of Hawks and Hawks just chilling the fuck out because he’s tired god damn it. And throw in some return gestures of course. Triple that cute output.

Babysitter Eraser/Mic (fuck, find who said this, this is GOOD) for pro hero sibs or kids

Figure out who to put this under, there’s a few who love ShigaHawks: Shigaraki as a hero. Super hardworking and dedicated to his job. The laziest laze to ever laze after. Hawks, who literally will probably explode if he ever stops ever is best friend from childhood (or they both debuted at the same time and somehow this ‘I take care of you’ ‘yeah sure, carry away’ thing was born) and literally just carries him everywhere, spoils the fuck out of him, buys him a bunch of shit. And Shigaraki adores his stupid bird friend that overworks himself and will literally lay on him to make him rest, gets into online fights all the fucking time in his honor (at some point Hawks figures this out), loves preening his wings for him (it’s just platonic preening bro), and makes Hawks feel like Keigo always. Very soft, very sweet, full of asshole banter and adorableness.

EVERYTHING ABOUT KOU EVER

Time Travel Hawks. After he loses his wings, gets chucked back. His younger self is with the commission (very young, has maybe been with them for a year). Approaches the President (scares the shit out of her in her house after hanging around there for a week bumming out of her fridge because she rarely comes home) and admits to her who he is, where he is from… and that’s it. Tells her that he refuses to let her know what is going to happen but convinces her to support him (because she raised him, he knows her, and god damn do I love the potential ‘I don’t really trust you but you’re the only family I technically have and I do trust the pieces of you I’ve known all my life’.) With her backing him he gets shit done (...Maybe gets put in charge of training his younger self? A line about ‘ah, so the handled becomes the handler. Great’. Ohhh, that would work great. Cute moments with little him, and then he gets attached. And he doesn’t want little him turning out like him so ‘to the point’ training sessions turn into flights around the city, introducing all the best restaurants, getting the chicklet some gosh dang friends, ect.) Befriends Twice heckin early (figure out timeline for Twice’s backstory). Jeanist. I don’t know how, but throw Jeanist in there as a pivotal character. Maybe Hawks, not feeling comfy with basically raising himself, introduces baby Hawks to Jeanist somehow and keeps spider webbing meetings between them so Jeanist gets attached (like he knew he would) so that baby Hawks has a super caring, badass Dad (surprise, asshole, you’re also Dad now, so baby Hawks has two at least) Saving of all the children. Knows that Endeavor only started trying to change after All Might fell. So, being Hawks, he decides the best course of action is to beat All Might.

Compress and his fucking collarbones. A whole damn fic about being too damn attractive. Takes off the mask and fighting stops. Misdirection? YOU MEAN HIS CHEST?! Or his hair. Or his face in general (those fucking collarbones, why you do this Hori? “I can’t draw hot men”, well all I see is EVERYTHING I WANT!)

5 times Hawks ran into the random civilian and the one time he realized it was Wash: what has this discord done to me (...I could do this for PJ. This could work and not kill me inside. Ponder when rested)

Wash as a bartender AU (....Ponder when well rested)

#adorable bean response #starlight friend #BEAN #wip #wip ideas #fic ideas #brain burp #Don't judge how I think out stories #I already judge myself enough XD

13 notes · View notes

literaphobe · 5 years

Note

hi michelle! so want to start saying that i identify as bi and honestly, I would LOVE it if jake was bi. I think it'd be great. But i'm also okay if he's not, bc how cool is it that they're allowing a man to break down traditional gender norms/roles! i think one of the greatest parts of loving a show like b99 is that it lets us escape the 'real world' for twenty minutes every week. and that means something different for every person watching the show. 1

SO while i believe you are entitled to your own opinions, and you can share them on your blog bc it's yours, i don't think its fair to invite people to share their opinions but shut down anyone who feels differently than you. for example, you said to someone who said they didn't care if jake was bi that you hope they 'get well soon'. also, you posted saying that if bi people didnt want jake to be bi then they're wrong. im sorry but thats really hurtful. you dont get to decide how people think 2

just bc someone feels differently than you doesnt make their feelings less valid, ESPECIALLY someone who identifies as lgbt+. you run a popular blog and it makes me sad to think people might feel their opinions are less valid or wrong bc they see it here. again, im not saying you cant have opinions or post them. but maybe just think about how your words can affect others. also saying this off anon bc i respect you and am open to having a conversation. Thanks for reading, hope u have a good day

hi. thank you for ur mannerly tone and for having the courage to go off-anon.

mlm/bi representation will always be more important than ‘straight man comfortable with his sexuality’. while i am not saying that straight men in media shouldn’t be portrayed as comfortable in their sexualities, the stance that it’s okay to take away representation from people in the lgbt community as long as we have Good Hets is harmful, and it gives people in the tv/movie industries a cop out. they don’t have to give us more lgbt characters! straight characters who Know What’s Up are good enough to make them seem woke and avoid criticism! and whether you’re comfortable with this happening as an lgbt has nothing to do with it. we have to hold the media accountable, we can’t just settle for less. whether you want to watch b99 uncritically or not is entirely up to you. i get that it’s exhausting to analyze the media content you consume! i more than understand just wanting to escape and not ask for more! it’s tiring! it’s draining! it’s disappointing, it hurts so much and it gets so so lonely. but we can’t just let the world stagnate. progress needs to be made constantly, and shows can’t be made to feel like they can just do one or two good things and not be expected to do anything else! i’m not asking you to fight for this, i just want the acknowledgement that this is the right thing to do

i didn’t exactly... invite anyone to say anything. i truly am just sending my thoughts out into the void. and yes, i am aware that my words reach a wider audience because i have a larger than average follower count. of course i know my words can affect others. that’s what i’m trying to do. aside from getting thoughts out my brain, i want to promote a less passive line of thinking. i want lgbt folk to want better for themselves. unfortunately, because words and actions have responses, people will climb into my inbox and start conversations that i inevitably have to take part in (sometimes i don’t though. it really depends on where my head’s at that day. having to discuss this repeatedly is draining). most of the time, i’m just making a statement

i don’t particularly enjoy “shutting down people who feel differently from me”. usually, if i’ve done that, i really am tired because i’ve likely discussed and explained numerous times whatever it is the person who got shut down said to me. i might also come off as mean-spirited or perhaps aggressive if i know some anon is just trying to pick a fight/spew hate at me. if you don’t understand where i’m coming from/don’t believe why having an opposing stance is harmful (this might vary depending on the issue), i am (given i have energy that day) more than willing to elaborate on whatever it is i say here. if i say stuff like ‘get well soon!’ it is a tired response to something i have already covered in depth and i am making some semblance of a joke to deflect/put a lid on the stuff i really want to say (likely because i have already said it)

i never said that bi people who didn’t want jake to be bi were wrong. i was trying to get them to think deeper and explore why they don’t want that. being lgbt sometimes means that we allow and normalize a lot of unfair treatment. we think that we have it good enough so we decide not to ask for more, to settle. and i will never blame any lgbt for falling victim to this line of thought. we were brought up to think this way, we were conditioned to think this way. acceptance does not equal inclusion, and sadly many of us are so grateful for the acceptance that we do not bother to even think about having inclusion. or, better inclusion, for that matter. of course, it is definitely not up to me to decide how anyone thinks. i’m just trying to convince you! very desperately. but if you don’t agree no matter what i say then what can i do? it’s your life. it doesn’t affect me much in the grand scheme of things. i’m not going to hate you for disagreeing. i’m not going to sic the dogs on you. am i going to be kind of annoyed if someone walks into my inbox, turns on anon, and hurls insults at me? yes, that’s hurtful, and it’s kind of funny sometimes depending on how dumb you sound, but it’s mostly tiring and a lot of pain. so like... read, if u don’t like it, move on, if your well-being is drastically affected from reading the things i say, i’ll tag it so you can blacklist

the sad thing is, being a member of the lgbt community doesn’t automatically make your opinions on lgbt issues valid/unproblematic. internalized homophobia exists. things i described in the point above can lead to this. just because a bi person says ‘im bi! and i don’t care/don’t think bi jake is important!’ doesn’t mean that suddenly, there is no need for him to be canonically bi, that we aren’t being queerbaited/pandered to by the show. do i think that the show is intentionally/heinously queerbaiting us? not exactly. but lack of awareness and lacking understanding on why bi-coding jake w no intention to make it canon is just as harmful bc it produces the same result (in jake’s case)

once again, i don’t intend for people to feel “less valid/wrong” when they read what i have to say on this blog. self-reflection is important. sometimes, people have opinions that are wrong! including myself! which is why more often than not i think deeply into the things people say to me here and consider whether my opinion holds up. you don’t have to feel bad for being wrong. we are all constantly wrong on stuff. everyone, at some point, has had a bad take/the wrong take on something. if you hold yourself up to this standard that you must always be right or you are suddenly a horrible person/must feel bad and demoralized, i suggest that you change your approach to issues such as this. i hate to say this but it is not my job to make sure everyone is 100% cool and chill about everything i do and say here. some things need to be said. some things need to be acknowledged. i’m sorry if any of you have been hurt/upset by anything i’ve ever posted but after a certain point... that is your issue and not mine

#ask #ncrit #sorry for the long post #thank you once again for being respectful #i hope this wasn't too harsh #i hope you have a nice day too :)#arnie-santiago

87 notes · View notes

xhold-on-tightstay-stongx · 5 years

Text

I have another rant... sorry

So... I have been off my meds for a while... and it's been causing problems between me and my family... I'm not off of them by choice... I lost my insurance and have been having problems with the insurance company. So anyways, I baby sit some little kids that live next door to me and I do it so I can have some extra money and be an overall good person and maybe even be a good mom someday... but, the thing is, my mom and I have been doing nothing but fight the last few days and I often find myself wondering if it's because I haven't had all the medications that keep my brain functioning like a normal persons... even more, I know that it in all reality is my fault we're fighting so much. I spend a lot of time on my phone and doing stuff for other people that it's like I dont do anything for my mom. But I would do anything for her if she wanted me... I dont know if I am intentionally trying to build up walls around myself to make it less painful for when I leave or if I am trying to distance myself because I don't want her to see how shitty I've been doing lately. I love her with my whole heart that every time we fight I end up crying and thinking she hates me... which I know isnt true and I know that she loves me and supports whatever I do in my life. But we still fight and argue and everything is a mess because I cant function like a normal adult because I can't control my moods or emotions or stay focused on something. And that's the major problem for me... I get distracted and then I end up going into my own little world of whatever and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to be a good daughter... I've been trying to be better than I was yesterday for the last 5 years. Some days I'm good at it... some days I utterly suck at it... I've only had one big achievement in my life and that was getting past the ideation and the self harm and made it to the next day. All my other achievements were pretty minor... I graduated on time... I started college... I turn 20 tomorrow... but honestly... what I really want is to be able to make my mom happy and it not be a constant fight between her and I anymore. I dont like fighting with her and I don't like knowing that it could have been avoided if I was just able to function normally. I would love for a day where it could be just me and my mom without her feeling bad or me feeling bad and for us to get along and for us to have fun together again... I miss being able to go do things with her and not stressing out about if things got done at home or if my dad will be in a bad mood when he gets home or anything like that. I want to be able to have my mom back to where we used to be... before I was fucked up and had to rely on my medications to make me feel normal and for me to feel like I wasn't on the edge of a mental explosion constantly or waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I miss the days when things weren't bad and when it was ok for us to argue about something and then we would make up with an "I'm sorry" and a hug. Now any more it's an "I'm sorry" and it gets twisted around into something even worse than before.

I know it sounds prolly stupid to alot of people and like an excuse for my actions and why I've been such a shitty person and lousy daughter but I have been dealing with Bi-polar type 2 for the last 5 years, anxiety, different forms of depression, insomnia and, constant migraines, I was also diagnosed with ADHD at 12 and have been on medications for all of this since the diagnosis. 5 years ago, I wanted to kill myself it was for reasons that I don't want to get into at the moment. I spent a week in the hospital getting the help I needed and my mom was always right there with me saying that we would get through it together. And we have, but lately it's just felt like she's tired of my shit... I try and get things done for her, but I either don't do it right or I start one thing then move to another then another and then another and one project never gets finished before another one starts or I get distracted by something and I forget to do what she asked...

I know that she feels under appreciated and like she does nothing but clean, but without her being the amazing woman she is I would never have gotten as far as I am now and I wish she would understand that.

I feel like such a horrible daughter because I can never do things the right way or I inevitably start a fight for something minor. And I was even told by one of my doctors that I tend to lash out at the people I care most about and trust the most as a defense mechanism and because I know that they wont leave me for it... but I still feel like I am the one who is the problem when I have little control over things that I do...

I hope people reading this will understand that I am not just some entitled little brat that is bitching because her mommy yelled at her.

I am writing this because I need to get what is eating at me out and hopefully someone will care enough to check in on me but if not that's ok too.

I also want people to understand something. I've almost lost my mom 4 different times. The first time was the night my little sister was born... my mother almost died that night along with my sister. She was in an accident and was taken to the hospital by ambulance and was really hurt for along time. Third time was an accident that should have killed her, it is a honest miracle that I still have her to this day. She was rear eneded at 55mph while she was at a dead stop and she suffered from head trauma amongst other things. The fourth was right after she was in the last accident. She had a severe allergic reaction to the nerve pain medication that they gave her. I said that I wouldn't be as strong as I was or where I am in my life without her. And that's why.

I am a total mommy's girl. And I can't imagine a world without her in it.

I wish she knew that though. I wish she knew that she is my entire world and my heart stops every time I hear sirens and that she is my hero. My mom is my best friend and the woman I look up to most in the world and some day I hope to be just like her. Strong and resilient. She's been my rock when my world was being swept away and she held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok when I wanted to die. I wish she could see the amazing woman I see when I see her.

I know that this rant was a bit all over the place but I really needed to get everything out...

#possible triggers #trigger warning #rant #sorry i needed to vent #anxeity #bipolar #adhd #depression #my thoughts

2 notes · View notes