#i'm truly so. disappointed in myself and i have no idea how to deal with this because it's just SO STUPID

[moa-broke-me]

@yonemurishiroku so I'm pretty sure there was this post you made a few months ago asking for ideas on what to write, I responded with something like "Nico helps Percy escape an abusive situation that he's to scared to tell his mom about because he doesn't want her to be disappointed in him (even though she'd never react that way irl), anyway, found a post that goes with it so I wrote it myself, here!

(prologue by @imaginejercy, tw for rape)

Percy thought Jason was better than his father. 

He dared to hope that the son of Jupiter would accept the refusal and accept it, find himself another girl or boyfriend. 

But...

the hands on his wrists were firm and confident, someone else's knee rested between his forcibly spread legs, electric blue eyes shone with cold-blooded confidence.

— Hush, Perce, — soft lips gently touched his neck, goosebumps ran over his skin, — I will be gentle and affectionate, you will enjoy it if you don't resist and scream.

a few hours later, Percy is left lying on the floor with pain throbbing all over his body, painted skin and dried blood on his thighs.

Jason even kissed him and covered with his toga.

clutching the purple cloth to his chest, Percy burst into tears. 

truly the son of his father.

Percy never should've asked Jason to be his roommate.

It was months ago that this happened. Percy had just gotten dumped and started to date Jason, more out of desperation to be loved again than out of genuine attraction, though that was there too.

Percy quickly saw a side to Jason that he didn't like seeing. One that set alarm bells off.

He tried to get away- he tried.

And then...

So now, he had to deal with not just a breakup, but all of this trauma, both new and old.

This morning, his rapist was cooking eggs, and he was staring out the window, totally blank. He couldn't go to class today, he just couldn't. But he'd been feeling that way ever since that night, and he couldn't just drop out. So he pushed himself through.

He decided to go out through the other door, the one that didn't require him to pass by Jason in the kitchen, and potentially have to hear his voice. He sounded so nice, and Percy hated it. Ever since that incident, he's just acted perfectly normal, acted like it never even happened. It convinced Percy even further that nobody would believe him if he said anything. Because how could Jason, sweet, polite, lovable Jason... New Rome's former Praetor... The boy who took down Othrys...

Rape someone?

Especially someone as uncontrollable as Percy?

He was starting to wonder if he'd made it up himself. It was so...

Out of the blue.

And that's how he felt. Out of blue, out of the thing that makes him himself.

Empty.

Empty, like the printer Jason had thrown at him just a few days prior to the incident.

He can still remember his words. "I've told you over and over and over again, and you still haven't gone to get more ink, you fucking idiot! Do you want both of us to fail!? Just flunk out and work at a drive-through for the rest of our lives, is that what you fucking want!?"

He missed, but the printer hit the TV, and Jason got angry about that too.

That was when he decided they were breaking up.

So, maybe the assault wasn't as surprising as he thought.

Percy was walking aimlessly around campus, oblivious to everything around him, when suddenly he felt his body collide with the sidewalk, and saw his vision go black.

When he came to, everything still sounded like it was underwater, but he could see Nico standing above him. He was on his back, a position that still hurt sometimes thanks to that brutal, tear-filled night.

"Percy?" Nico asked. "You... You fainted, are you alright?"

Percy wanted to just say yes, get up, and move on. He really did. But he was so worn down, every night he had nightmares, about Tartarus, about Jason, about Gabe... He got maybe an hour and a half tonight, and that was lucky. And eating wasn't any better, he sometimes went two or three days without eating anything and not even notice, because he was so disconnected from his body. And Jason is the only one who knows how to cook, so when Percy does eat, it's usually just a bag of chips or something, because there's no way in hell he's eating anything Jason made. When was the last time he even showered?

Nico put his hand on Percy's wrist, now thin, with bones jutting out, from months of this routine. "... Are you ok?" He asked again, softer this time.

And Percy burst into tears.

(I'll probably do a part two lol)

#percico #pjo #tw rape

[munchmemes]

olivia rodrigo lyrics, GUTS edition

❛  i feel light as a feather and as stiff as a board.  ❜

❛ i pay attention to things that most people ignore. ❜

❛ i make light of the darkness. i've got sun in my motherfuckin' pocket. ❜

❛ i forgive and i forget. ❜

❛ i got class and integrity just like a goddamn Kennedy, i swear. with love to spare. ❜

❛ i know my place and this is it. ❜

❛ i don't get angry when i'm pissed, i'm an eternal optimist. ❜

❛ i scream on the inside to deal with it. ❜

❛ i'm sexy and i'm kind. ❜

❛ haven't heard from you in a couple of months but i'm out right now and i'm all fucked up. ❜

❛ i'm sensing some undertone. ❜

❛ i know we're done, i know we're through but, god, when i look at you my brain goes 'ahhhhhh'. ❜

❛ seeing [you/them] tonight. it's a bad idea, right? ❜

❛ fuck it, it's fine. ❜

❛ yes, i know that [they're] my ex but can't two people reconnect? ❜

❛ i only see [you/them] as a friend. the biggest lie i ever said. ❜

❛ i told [you/them] i was asleep but i never said where or in whose sheets. ❜

❛ i'm sure i've seen much hotter [people] but i really can't remember when. ❜

❛ how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? ❜

❛ i loved [you/them] truly. you gotta laugh at the stupidity. ❜

❛ i've made some real big mistakes but you make the worst one look fine. ❜

❛ i used to think i was smart but [you/they] made me look so naive. ❜

❛ everyone i ever talked to told me [you/they] were bad, bad news. [you/they] called them crazy. god, i hate the way i called them crazy too. ❜

❛ you're so convincing. how do you lie without flinching? ❜

❛ [you/they] said it was true love but wouldn't that be hard? [you/they] can't love anyone. that would mean [you/they] had a heart. ❜

❛ aren't you the sweetest thing on this side of Hell? ❜

❛ did i ever tell you that i'm not doing well? ❜

❛ i feel your compliments like bullets on skin. ❜

❛ i try but it takes over my life. i see you everywhere. ❜

❛ well, aren't you the greatest thing to ever exist? ❜

❛ it's like you're out to get me. you poison every little thing that i do. ❜

❛ i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you. ❜

❛ i despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. ❜

❛ cat got my tongue. ❜

❛ the party's done and i'm no fun. i know, i know. ❜

❛ i broke a glass, i tripped and fell. i told secrets i shouldn't tell. ❜

❛ i stumbled over all my words. i made it weird and i made it worse. ❜

❛ each time i step outside, it's social suicide. ❜

❛ i'm shocked i'm still alive. ❜

❛ another thing i ruined. i used to do it for fun. ❜

❛ sometimes i feel like i don't wanna be where i am. ❜

❛ i push away all the people who know me the best. ❜

❛ every good thing has turned into something i dread. ❜

❛ i'm playing the victim so well in my head but it's me who's been making the bed. ❜

❛ they tell me that they love me like i'm some tourist attraction. ❜

❛ i got the things i wanted, it's just not what i imagined. ❜

❛ come for me like a savior and i'd put myself through hell for you. ❜

❛ you convinced me it was all in my mind. and now you got me thinking two plus two equals five and i'm the love of your life. ❜

❛ no, love is never logical. ❜

❛ all the things you did to me. you lied, you lied, you lied. ❜

❛ our problems are all solvable 'cause loving you is loving every argument you held over my head. ❜

❛ 'cause if rain don't pour and sun don't shine then changing you is possible. ❜

❛ i know i'm half responsible and that makes me feel horrible. ❜

❛ i know i could have stopped it all. god, why didn't i stop it all? ❜

❛ do i love them? do i hate them? i guess it's up and down. ❜

❛ i wanna get them back. i wanna make them really jealous. i wanna make them feel bad. ❜

❛ oh, i want sweet revenge and i want [them/you] again. ❜

❛ i pour my little heart out but as i'm hitting send, i picture all the faces of my disappointed friends. ❜

❛ i am my father's daughter so maybe i could fix [them]. ❜

❛ i wanna break [your/their] heart then be the one to stitch it up. ❜

❛ i wanna meet [their/your] mom just to tell her her child sucks. ❜

❛ i told my friends you were the one after i'd known you like a month. ❜

❛ god, love's fucking embarrassing. ❜

❛ just watch as i crucify myself for some weird second string loser who's not worth mentioning. ❜

❛ i consoled [you/them] while [you/they] cried over [your/their] ex-girlfriend's new guy. how could i be so stupid? ❜

❛ you found a new version of me and i damn near started World War III. ❜

❛ i give up. i give up everything. i placed my bets and it's not worth anything. ❜

❛ you took everything i loved and crushed it in between your fingers. ❜

❛ i doubt you ever think about the damage that you did but i hold on to every detail like my life depends on it. ❜

❛ my undying love, now i hold it like a grudge. ❜

❛ i say i don't care, i say that i'm fine but you know i can't let it go. i've tried. i've tried for so long. ❜

❛ it takes strength to forgive but i don't feel strong. ❜

❛ i fantasize about a time you're a little fucking sorry. ❜

❛ we both drew blood but, man, those cuts were never equal. ❜

❛ you have everything and you still want more. ❜

❛ even after all this, you're still everything to me. ❜

❛ it takes strength to forgive but i'm not quite sure i'm there yet. ❜

❛ there's always something in the mirror that i think looks wrong. ❜

❛ when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do? ❜

❛ you can win the battle but you'll never win the war. ❜

❛ you can fix the things you hated and you'd still feel so insecure. ❜

❛ i chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life and none of it matters and none of it ends. you just feel like shit over and over again. ❜

❛ when am i gonna stop being wise beyond my years and just start being wise? ❜

❛ i fear that they already got all the best parts of me. ❜

❛ will i spend all the rest of my years wishing i could go back? ❜

❛ they all say that it gets better the more you grow but what if i don't? ❜

#this got so long oops. #anyway. #lyrics rp starters #rp meme #rp starters #sentence starters #lyrics starters #lyrics rp meme #roleplay meme #lyrics meme #ask meme #tag memes

[thefirstknife]

i love how lightfalls story will continue in Deep and the rest of the year and it's a great move

ut god i WISH they had that idea for Witch Queen. I NEED to know how the Lucent Hive are developing, there's so much we don't know, andi would love to see how they're developing on like a cultural level.

My biggest disappointment with Witch Queen year is that after the dlc & risen the Lucent Brood are basically treated as regular hive that we can kill with no problem's and like nothing is exploring them anymore

I know its not the case but it felt like Bungie was building to this like:

"Are the Hive brutal and reprehensible to us? Yes. Will they change their behavior with the Light? No. Do they still deserve to be treated as sentient ppl with Intrinsic 'humanity' even tho they arent as sympathetic like the Fallen or Cabal? Yes. Does that make them good guys? Do we have the right to kill Ghosts just because they made the crime of "choosing the wrong side" etc etc

And like make us realize everything is more gray. and make us ask questions about assumptions we had, are Ghosts allowed Autonomy? Do.we have an inherent deserving of the light etc

and then Bungie dropped it in a bin and never brought it up ever again not even in flavor text or lore tabs

Agreed 100%

Witch Queen was an absolute banger of a campaign that I consider pretty much flawless, but when it comes to the whole year of Destiny last year, a lot of it ended up falling flat. There are so many interesting things raised in the campaign, but they were never explored. It didn't truly feel like "Witch Queen year" since pretty much all most significant bits of the Witch Queen were not explored.

Most importantly the Lucent Hive. Even in Risen, they were kind of background. They were literally attacking Earth directly and killing Guardians, but outside of getting rid of a few pockets of them, they've not been mentioned outside of that? Are they still attacking Earth? Do they still try to get a fort on the Moon? Are they only listening to Immaru or are there other aspects of their leadership? What about Lucent Hive who decide to go their own way? We know they exist so what's up with them?

What about Immaru and Savathun in general? We've not tried capturing him or investigating more into what Savathun knew, how she constructed the Throne World, how she utilised Light, her connections to the Witness and the Fleet... Obviously this might get picked up when she's rezed again, but I feel like a lot of it would've been important in the aftermath of the campaign. We got minor tidbits when Osiris woke up, but that just raised more questions; Savathun knew some WILD shit and we never investigated it.

We'll see how this continuation of Lightfall's story will go next season. I'm hoping for a quest that deals with some of the aftermath of the campaign and gives us insight into how time progresses in-universe; have the characters learned anything new in the past three months? Osiris will be present so we might get some new insight into Strand or the Veil or the portal the Witness opened.

Obviously, that's best case scenario. We have no clue what the quest will be like and I don't want to overhype myself and expect some incredibly long mission with 4 lore books, but the general gist of adding more campaign content throughout the year is really good. In hindsight, I would've loved if we got that each year. Campaigns are fine as is to me, but adding more content throughout the year that's directly connected to the campaign (instead of seasons) would've been a real benefit to pretty much every year so far. I really like the idea of the expansion YEAR dealing with the expansion reveals and information for the whole year in a more direct way that isn't tied to seasons.

#destiny 2 #ask

[laurasbailey]

i think i came across different & more negative than i meant to on my last ask, my bad!!

can't imagine ending up hating c3 in any capacity, not now and not when i'll eventually catch up on other campaigns! reading the comparisons (rookie mistake) i was mostly bummed out about apparently getting less character focus than previous campaigns, because i love the characters i met haha

i'm loving the campaign and, truly, the show in general - watching these people tell a story and have fun with it is so special and i'm forever glad i stumbled across that first episode. i didn't mean to imply differently, i might have messed up with my english somewhere and struck a different tone than intended

and you are spot on, i'm mostly just stuck in a bit of a random spiral, which is obviously not on the show nor something i wanted to dump on you! your (and everyone's) responses have been real helpful, i'll basically...work on chilling out and stop talking myself into being miserable lmao thanks!

no i definitely get it!! and like you said the negativity has been getting you down so it makes sense. you’ll definitely find that each campaign does something better than the others, so what you’re lacking in one you’ll definitely find in another.

i do understand that disappointment though, i had a similar issue with a previous campaign where a character i loved could’ve had an entire arc for their backstory but didn’t get one. i can’t imagine them ending c3 without dealing with delilah or exploring more of fcg’s past in aeor, neither of which have a time limit like the solstice stuff does. i also don’t see how they can beat ludinus at their current level (even with fearne and ashton as they are), so we really have no idea what’s to come.

i wouldn’t take the fandom too seriously anyway, there’s a lot of deeply-rooted misogyny which many can attest to and i find that seeps into a lot of opinions without people realising. these are the same people who call laudna boring like… please be so fucking serious rn lmao

#anonymous #ask #any morally ambiguous man they eat it up but god forbid a woman have trauma y’know?

[ghostedcas]

i read the family fic you wrote and OOHHHH MY GODDDD I LOVED IT i swear fluff family fics have my heart i love them too much!!!

and reading the author note i would love to see how bug chose their name! :3

ahhh i'm so glad you liked it !! like seriously, this ask has me giggling, twirling my hair, kicking my feet. i die for the smallest bit of praise so i'm truly so so happy you liked it. MWAH MWAH, platonic kisses on the forehead for you nonnie <3 (and anyone else who read and liked it, all of you get platonic kisses too)

now, as requested, a cute blurb of how bug chose their name (and came out to simon and reader)

simon "ghost" riley x child!OC (bug riley)

word count: 824

warnings: a teeny bit of angst (bug is an anxious baby), but mostly just sweet sweet cotton candy :3

a/n: bug is 13 in this fic, it is told from their perspective. their dead name is mentioned twice.

a/n 2.0: i wrote this really quickly so it might not be that great, i'm stoned as fuck and it's like 10 to 05:00 rn but i really wanted to get this idea out for you guys bc i love this lil oc sm🥺 created them literally a day ago and i would die for them already

--------

it'll be fine, it'll be fine. mum and dad are so accepting and loving, mum is always telling me she'll always love me no matter what. i siked myself up as i walk into the kitchen where i hear my mum and dad making dinner again.

i wanted to come out to them before dad left for work again, but every time i got up the nerves i backed out, not this time.

"uh, mum? dad?" i spoke up as i walked into the kitchen, catching the attention of my parents who gave me their signature loving smiles.

"hi my little bug, how was your day at school?" mum asked me, opening her arms for her a hug, which i happily gave her.

"hey ben, how was school bud?" dad asked, making my stomach churn a little at the sound of my birth name.

"it... it was good." i replied with a heavy sigh, mum's face immediately contorting into worry at the sound. "i actually wanted to talk to you two about something. can we sit down?"

"yes, of course." mum says as soon as the words are out of my mouth, she gently grabs my shoulders and walks to the dinner table with me, making sure dad was following behind.

as we sat at the table i felt a lump begin to form in the back of my throat and my heart begin to race. this was really happening. oh god this was really happening, i'm doing this.

"what is it benjamin? did something happen?" mum asks me with worry in her voice.

"if someone is hurting you just say the word bud, i'll deal with them." dad says gruffly, standing behind mum with a hand on her shoulder.

"no, no it's nothing like that," i begin, mouth running dry as i try to for words. i try to think of what to say, but the words wont come out right.

"i don't think i'm a boy!" i blurted before i could realize what i was saying. this was not the course of action i wanted to take.

"huh?" dad said with a raised brow. "what.. what does that even mean?"

"simon!"

"it's a legitimate question babe!"

"it's rude to ask it like that though!"

"guys! please! just," i sighed. "i don't... feel right as a boy. i'm nonbinary."

their silence makes my stomach drop, but my heart stops when dad just leaves the dining room to return to the kitchen without even looking at me. fuck, he hates me now.

"we'll be right back my baby, don't worry. stay there." mum says softly, putting a gentle hand on my head before she gets up to follow my father. leaving me to sit in silence. i just disappointed my fucking hero. my dad hated me now, i never should've said anything.

it's only five or so minutes before they both come back, dad seems... calm. i didn't expect that, in a way that scared me more.

"first off, we want to say that we love you so much baby. and we're so happy you felt comfortable enough to tell us this. we wont pretend we understand what that means but we are prepared to learn." mum says softly, taking my hands in hers and rubbing her thumbs over my knuckles as she speaks.

"wait... really?" i ask, feeling tears of relief welling in my eyes.

"of course, you're our son- our child, and we want you to be happy. we love you for you." dad said, putting a rough hand on my head.

that's all it took to break me, the waterworks flowing freely as i fall into my mother's arms. i feel her wrap them around me and she rubs my back, whispering sweet affirmations to me and kissing my head.

"this means you'll want to change your name, right? have you decided on one yet my little bug?" mum asked sweetly, causing a wide grin to spread across my face.

"yeah, i have. i picked it because it means a lot to me. you know, you've been calling me this my entire life when you realized how intrigued i was by bugs as a baby. so i went with bug. because mum always calls me her little bug." i explained to my parents, this time it was apparently my mother's turn to cry.

i watched as my mother began to sob in joy, pulling me to hold at arms length and look me in the face. "oh sweetheart, that's amazing. that makes me feel so special. i love you so much, bug."

my heart swells as mum calls me by my name, as she pulls me in for another hug i feel dad wrapping his arms around the two of us and giving my head another rough but loving pat.

"we both love you, bug."

"i love you both too."

what the hell did i ever have to be worried about?

#simon riley x reader fluff #simon ghost riley fluff #simon riley x oc #simon ghost riley x oc #ghostedcas #casper writes #casper's 💌 #ghostedcas: bug riley #ghostedcas: ghost

[ameliawarnerr]

Evanescent

(She was the Evanescent of his life— there and gone.)

Part 7

(Part 6: here.)

Warning: Slightly strong language.

(Dual Pov Chapter)

Amelia’s (MC) Pov

I walk until I’m in their sight. Once I’m not, I run.

I am not even sure if I am scrambling toward the car. My eyes are shut, my hands are turned to fists. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes but they don't. How could they? I didn't even cry when my mother died. Mother died. Because of me.

It was the worst probable time when I got entangled with Duskwood. My mom had only passed away. But I got so intrigued, so desperate to avoid reality. It did work for some time. But it's over now.

It's all over now, isn't it? I tried everything. I changed my number, shut down all my social media accounts, left my job, and started a new life. Far away from home, away from the guilt. But now Alex is here. He is here and he knows everything. He’ll take me away from here. I'll be forced to face them. Their faces, their words of disappointment.

I find the car, I open the door and stand there motionless. I glimpse at my hand which holds the keys. I have a car, maybe I should just run away. Everyone recently found Hannah, and they have Richy’s betrayal to get over— no one will bother about me. And Jake—

Jake. I collapse in the seat remembering the earlier image of his face. The way his eyes pierced through me. His desperation to get me away from Alex. Him holding my hand. Despite my efforts to make us look like friends, he was calm. But I know he noticed it. I hated myself at that moment. I hated when I thought it would only complicate things if my family and Alex were to know about Jake so I moved away from him. I could see the hurt and irritation in his eyes so I tried hard to not look at him at all. When he dragged me away from Alex, I expected him to ask me questions about Alex or my behavior. But he was concerned about me. He truly evidently cares for me. But how am I ever going to tell him that I am being arranged to marry Alex? How will I tell him that I have just as much mess to deal with as him? I told him, I'd wait for him. But will he? After all those lies I've fed him, will he wait for me?

I unlock the phone and stare at the message my sister sent me yesterday. I have no idea how she has my number.

Rose: Dad has fixed your marriage with Alex. Alex is coming to get you. Please come back.

When she told me that Alex is coming to get me, I thought she meant about my place. I never thought Alex would come here in Duskwood. I was so close to Alex when I used to live in Boston, three years ago but we drifted apart after I shifted for my job. It was all good— the ideal life I wanted to live. I had a job, a few friends, a good apartment, and I was happy, above all. And last month, I finally had all the money I needed to have a drama institute of my own. But then one month back, Rose called me. She told me that mom needed to get a surgery done. My mom’s heart had a hole in it ever since she was born. It wasn't serious until—

“The money is huge. Dad has some. I’m giving my three months saving too.” My breath denied to leave. “It’s still not enough, Amelia. How much can you send?”

I threw myself on the couch, staring outside the huge window. “This month?”

“The doctor suggested to get it done in a span of two months. We don't want to risk anything. We want to do it as soon as possible.”

“I can't give you any money this month. I have none.” I lied. “If the doctor adviced two months, then I guess it will be fine if we do it in the starting of the next month. I'll have a good money then.”

“Can’t you get that sum of money a little early?” I dug my nails in my bare legs.

“I...can't. I'm sorry.” I wince seeing the blood on my skin and my nails.

“Okay. I'll see what I can do. Do you want to talk to Mom? She's missing you.”

Grabbing the cushion tightly, I replied, “I can't— I'm— I need to get home first.” I seriously couldn't bring myself to talk to her for a whole different reason.

One week after that, I had seventeen missed calls. And twenty three texts. I checked my sister’s text first.

Rose: Mom isn't with us anymore. The funeral is tomorrow. Come, please. I can't handle this alone.

Then—

Tears make my vision blurry. “Why wouldn't you just fall?” I complain as I wipe them off. I need to talk to Alex. But first I need to tell Jake. My train of thought stops at him again. He'll probably think I am selfish after that. He'll probably love me less or not at all. I wouldn't blame him— I can't blame him.

When Jake was in the mine and I didn't hear from him, I was so so so scared that I'll lose yet another person because of me. And maybe I would have tried to forget about him just like I did to my mother. But I never want to forget him.

But I can't face him either right now. He already knows something is wrong. And seeing my current face, he’ll want me to tell him and when I wouldn't be able to, he’ll blame himself. I don't want him to blame himself for my incompetence.

I start the car. I need an escape. I have no idea where I am going as I drive aimlessly. I’ll come back. For Jake. I promise myself. I owe him.

I...just need time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jake's Pov

I just need time. To deal with this. To make sense of this information. Why would she blame herself for her mother’s death? She had been away from home when that happened. She's evidently in denial. For whatever reason she blames herself, I want to tell her otherwise. I’ll tell her it was not her fault until she believes it. For that, I need her.

I cannot go on a second without seeing her and that concludes why I raise my voice at particularly no one when Dan says the car isn't here. “What?”

I turn around and I immediately call her. Disappointed, I turn back wondering to myself, “Why’s her phone busy—”

My words die in my throat. Alex has his phone against his ear. “What makes you think she’d pick up your call?” I wonder out loud, pacing towards him. Dan comes in between us.

Dan’s physically closer to me than Alex so only I hear him when he says, “Jake, honey, we already got a situation. We don't wanna create another.” He sings it urgently while keeping an eye on Alex.

Alex answers my question. “Most probably, I am the reason she ran away in the first place. So I believe it's me who should be talking her out of any stupid act she's up to.”

“Jake, honey—”

“Shut up, Dan.”

“Hey! It's my car she took!”

“Do you care about the car or her?”

“Both are equally involved in my life—”

“Can both of you shut the fuck up?” Alex stops our futile argument.

“Who the fuck are you to tell us to shut the fuck up? It's a private matter.” Dan targets him now.

Alex says, “A person whose eardrums are being harmed because—”

I walk away as Alex falls prey to Dan’s stupidly provoking arguments. I try Amelia’s number again. This time, it rings. But she doesn't answer.

Fuck it, I need a computer.

“Dan!” I call out to Dan who's still busy arguing with Alex. He shakes his hand at Alex as if Alex said something too stupid for Dan to comprehend and walks towards me. Alex follows him though no one asked him to come.

When he is near enough, I speak, “Amelia isn't answering her phone. I need to trace her location. In other words—”

“You need a nice ass computer. Got it. Follow me.” Dan says and gestures me to follow him.

Alex tags along when— again, no one asked him. He hurries towards me. “You can hack?”

“How else did you think I found out your name?” And some extra information.

“I thought it was Truecaller.”

I halt. “Truecaller? Is it legal?” I ask him.

“Yes.”

I start pacing again. “That concludes why I never heard of it. I don't rely on legal sites anymore.”

Once we’ve reached the place Dan mentioned on the way, I sit down in front of the computer, motionless. Three pair of eyes on me.

I clear my throat. I look at Dan who's a little late to understand but finally gets my hesitance. He suddenly laughs out loud, putting a hand on the older person who lended us the computer of his shop. He stands directly behind me and I can't do anything when's he standing on my head.

“He needs to talk to his girlfriend. He’s shy.” Dan slowly sends him away and comes back to take the owner’s spot over my head.

I connect my phone to the computer, and try to pin point her location with the help of her phone. I am glad she hasn't turned off her phone. The map of Duskwood isn't that complex or huge, it takes a few minutes for me to know her exact location. She's near that plain areas where I gave her and Lilly a clue. I’m surprised she remembers it.

I lean back to the chair. “I know where she is. How do we get there? Do you know anyone who can lend us their car?” I ask Dan.

“I can.” Alex chimes in.

Dan and I slowly turn our heads towards him. I eye him. “You wanted me to give you a ride thirty minutes ago.” I fold my arms at my chest.

“I was trying to get close to her again.” He reasons.

I raise my eyebrow at him. “Again?”

“We were close when she used to live in Boston. I need that bond back to take her home.” He explains.

I wanted to tell him that he’s getting neither of it back. Neither their bond nor her.

Instead, I stand up. I don't wish to waste any time now that I finally know where she is. I never wanted Alex to come with us but I guess I can't kick him out of his own car.

After twenty minutes of driving, we finally spot Dan’s car. My face is expressionless as Dan beams about the car being alright. Alex stop the car and I get out but lean back. “Stay here.” I tell both of them, glaring especially at Alex.

There are no lights here. I switch on the flashlight of my phone and as I walk a few steps, I spot another flashlight. My eyes travel to the hands of the person, then to the face.

My chest rises and falls in relief. She initially looks shocked but then she relaxes. Then sadness creeps to her face and I frown. As I move towards her, her hand goes to her side, the flashlight now focussing on the road.

She speaks first. “I know. I just needed some time to—”

She's cut off by my lips on hers. I kiss her slow, and passionately. My hand around her neck caresses her skin. I don't ever want to let go but I pull back, slightly.

“If you need some time then you need to fucking tell me before going in search of it in the middle of nowhere.” She has to look up to meet my gaze. At least, she's not avoiding looking at me like earlier. My hand goes to her cheek. I say, softer than before, “Why wouldn't tell you me?” I am not talking just about her running away. And she realises it too. “Did you assume I'd judge you? Or it will change anything?” I'm in no position to judge her.

“No. Jake— I— how did you get here?” A sense of disappointment tackles me as she tries to change the subject. I know she already is aware of the answer but I'll entertain her.

“I traced your phone.” I simply say.

“Oh.” She looks down at her phone.

I move my hand from her cheek to her chin and force her to look at me. “The only thing I am upset about is that you came here without telling me. I’m not upset about the things you kept from me. I understand that. For a while, I did that too. And I am not upset that you pretended to be happy or about your arranged marriage with Alex.”

Realisation hits me. She doesn't know about the arranged marriage. If she did, she would have told me. Keeping everything from me, she would have at least told me if her family arranged her with some guy. She would have told me. That's something I expect her to tell me.

But the previous disappointment only rises as I see no change of expression on her face. No shock.

I take a step back from her.

“You knew.”

I feel my expectations, reality, and my hopes for an unconditional love laughing at me.

Part 8

-------------------------------------

Heyyyyy

Lemme know your thoughts in the replies!

Also, there's a huge (sort of) difference in the likes of my first few chapters and the recent ones. Does that mean my fic is flopping? Should I still continue? ( I really want to)

This is my first fic and I have no experience about these things.

Anyways

Love y’all !

Enjoy ~~~

[sisterdivinium]

Hi I'm AvMila anon. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! ❤️ AAAAAaaaaahhhhhhh sorry for screaming. But you inaugurating the Ava/Camila tag on ao3 with your own piece is just... It's top 5 one of the sweetest things someone has done for me. You truly looked at my crackship and said why not and went ahead and created the very first entry, and probably the only one lol, but that's so considerate. Thank you truly. I enjoyed it, and I loved DocSuperion's cameo. Jillian finding them cuddling and surely thinking to herself "well, aren't all of us at this house a little (a lot) fruity"

I read your elaboration on the "spam" thing. I get it now, I didn't understand what the issue was at first, but you explained it well. I have had something similar happen in other fandoms, I wasn't much into the main pairing and my ship was also just sort of floating around them as accessories to them. And yeah it's disappointing. It would be good and also kind of authors to mention, hey my main focus will be this ship or these 2 characters, all other tags point to support roles so they won't get much spotlight or development. Thank you again, you're very kind :) I loved what you wrote for my little crazy ship

Hello again!

Oh, I'm very, very happy to know that ficlet was to your liking <3 You're very much welcome.

I'm not exactly popular but hey, who knows, maybe someone else will look at it and get a little idea for a story to tell about Ava and Camila as well -- and perhaps give the tag a little push forward in the process. I hope so!

And, you know, I'd consider something like JC/Miguel more of a crackship than Ava/Cam. To me, only one out of those two pairings could have an internal logic with the correct build-up (although I wouldn't censor anyone willing to make JC/Miguel a thing, LOL. To each their own, but THAT's something I wouldn't touch!) I'm sure the avatrice diehards might disagree with me (and, to be fair, as a Jillian/Suzanne diehard, I'm myself irrationally protective of my OTP and wouldn't be caught near any other pairing that involved either Jillian or Superion -- I, too, have my childish shipping faults :)), but I can see something in there for Ava and Camila, it does makes sense. Even if just for a small little scene like the one I wrote -- why not, you know?

I sometimes wonder if people don't get a bit too attached to longfic. I imagine it has its charms, but as someone who prefers to write smaller but "tighter" stories, fooling around with other ships comes a lot easier. I'm not bound to a leviathan ninety-eight chapter story and can just play with different concepts in each little fic that comes to mind. And it's fun, what can I say? I had a blast writing Ava/Cam for you that day. It's not the greatest thing ever written in the history of English Literature, granted, but then it doesn't have to be which is a good reminder for myself as I struggle with my current doctor superion project... Ahem.

As for the "spam" deal, yeah, I thought it had just been miscommunication and you'd know what I meant if I just explained it a little better, so I'm glad that got cleared up as well. I don't think certain corners of the fandom will ever come across this series of posts that took place on my blog this week, so I'm not hopeful that the conversation will reach those it should reach as concerns tagging, but who knows. Fandoms were more organised once, perhaps they might again find it in their hearts to remember we don't all like the same things and that it would be a welcome courtesy to take us into consideration when tagging for alternative ships.

Anyway. Thanks for stopping by again! And let me reiterate how happy I am to know that you enjoyed my humble offering to your ship! <3

#chats with anon #correspondence #suppose i'll tag this with the meta tag as well since the longfic x shortfic comment could classify #meta fandom talk i guess #keeping my fingers crossed for more people to write some ava/cam so you don't feel so alone anon! #and ha you caught my total inability to write wn stuff without including jillian and suzanne in some capacity did you? :)

[chidoroki]

182 Days of TPN - Day 136

Chapter 136: "Maze"

Again, they're so lucky none of the psycho demons show up during their time at this fake Goldy Pond. That would be like.. the Seven Walls: extreme mode. The fact that giant guns can spawn in the middle of nowhere is quite the shock though. I dunno if this place is as quiet as the GF house was before Isabella & the children showed up, but if so, then it's gotta be chilling to be here without the sound of bullets flying around and the usual hunt music.

I know they're both full-scorers and therefore smart as hell but how can you successfully keep track of every room you enter, along with all their variations, on top of dealing with the annoying bzzt noises and your surroundings constantly glitching in front of your eyes? How are y'all not going completely insane at this point??

I can see myself getting so frustrated in a place that has no sense of direction or clues on how to proceed further, or any indication that progress is being made, so I applaud them so much for dealing with this chaos for who knows how long they've been trapped here.

Missing out on seeing Emma deal with a younger Ray is so unfortunate too. Yeah they're in a real intense situation right now but I don't doubt Emma had to make fun of him at least once.

So insanely proud that he managed to make some kind of sense out of everything and figure out the hidden meanings behind that mark they once saw at the temple.

It really is a lot of information to take in, so I can't blame Emma for being totally lost. Don't worry honey, you'll figure it out soon enough. And I love that she does, not only because it's a big move on her part but how this arc give the duo both clear moments to showcase exactly why they're premium goods.

For a guy who always thinks logically, this place truly has to be hell for Ray to experience. Aaahh I feel so bad for my son!

Nothing to lose except your sanity and you're already on some thin ice with that, sweetie.

Seeing one of your closest friends falling apart piece by piece (literally) and blowing away like dust in the wind has definitely gotta be so frightening to witness.

I always have mixed feelings about Ray breaking down once Emma vanishes. On one hand it's like c'mon buddy, we're giving up already? But on the other hand, I understand his pain because how the hell would someone recover from seeing that? If anything bad happens to Emma, then Ray's mental stability crumbles, just as he did after Norman's shipment. My boy needs his two living emotional crutches okay.

Not me suddenly thinking about how Ray can sympathize with human-world Emma by mentioning he once lost his memories too and making myself upset oh no. But yes, seeing our girl jump out of the cabinet like that is so adorable.

Favorite panel/moment:

I'll always be upset the anime denied us of seeing the GP arc, but I'll be just as disappointed they skipped out on the Seven Walls too! The anime could've showed us so much! All the rooms might have been repetitive sure, but the more we experience it, the easier we can understand the same kind of stress the duo felt while wandering through this maze as well. That whole idea reminds me of the infamous "Endless Eight" arc now that I think about it.. so perhaps that's why I'm so fond of this arc.

I love that no matter how frustrated Ray becomes, he still remembers to take care of the both of them. She's not upset by his outburst either. She knows exactly how hard he's pushing himself to try and figure out this chaotic place.

Also this panel. I dunno why but I always liked how he looks here.

#the promised neverland #tpn manga #182daysoftpn #chidoroki used chatter

[raamitsu]

Imagine telling me that everyone's life is not revolving around Palestine because you got shits to deal with - while you yourself haven't reshare a single beneficial resource regarding Palestine but in the end, I was the one doing too much for calling out the proclaimed "human activists" artists/celebrities when they are being ignorant and silent in this situation... I'm sorry but it's hard for me to even considered you humane.

I have been wanting to say this for days, weeks. So far, I received two responses that gave me a huge heartache to the point where I could have lost my hope in humanity after witnessing more of them on the other sides. Ironically, even though it was said by the same person TWICE (I noticed after checking them) I realised what I am about to say may sound dramatic to yall but it's just that- I would never thought that [me] being advocated and vocal regarding the massive disastrous ethnic cleansing that is happening in Palestine right now would have brought me to this [type of] "human"; who said to me explicitly that our life is not revolving around Palestine and its people because we have shits to deal with + saying I was doing too much for calling out artists/celebrities to educate or at least share awareness to their fans and that these bare minimums aren't their obligation.

Not gonna lie, I was totally in complete shambles and heartbroken to read them. Funny, because NOBODY asked you to ignore your life and stay on the phone/computer 24 hours a day straight just to be actively advocative - NOBODY. We all understand how complicated everyone's life is, especially for us who have bigger shits to deal with - financial, family, job seeking etc. — HOWEVER, if you could spend your little time responding as such into sharing crucial and beneficial information (PREPARED BY OTHERS, mind you, and that is why we said you don't have any excuses to be ignorant) + donations and so on instead, that would have been greater and meaningful. That little time you used on other stuffs can be used for a little awareness too. I promise you it won't even take hours to reblog as well.

And as for the artists/celebrities, do you have any idea that their power alone could make a change? Some of them have came out (unfortunately most of them are underrated ones), shared, spread contents for awareness and even opened a donation links to aid the effected victims of this ongoing war crimes, and you're telling me that they have "have no obligation"? As a human being, when it comes to responsibility, that comes along with obligation as well. We gotta show up for the others too. How is you as a human, dare to just sit by and watch this atrocities every day and CHOOSE to go on with your life without guilt feeling? Dare enough to talk about "obligation" in regards of sharing and spreading awareness is like saying these artists/celebrities needed to experience wars/war crimes in order for them to "feel obliged" to advocate for human rights. It sounds so outrageous to me.

Even so, I cannot say I am not disappointed because unfortunately I utterly AM disappointed. I have been heavily upset with humans around me for so long, now why do I need to face these type of people again? Where your humanity and empathy lie? Where are they when both are crucially needed in the times like this? Where is your existence lies? Where is your presence?

I'm truly sorry as this post is beginning to get longer than I planned but I guess it is what it is, then. I have blocked that person, by the way. As usual, I won't reply to this type of response and will immediately get blocked. I took my time just to make myself clear that I have no time to argue with these type of reponses, but I won't just sit by and let this slide again. I hope that everyone, mutuals or not, will never condone this behaviour and continue to advocate, spread awareness when you have time in your hands. We need to keep our voice afloat whether or not the ceasefire is implemented. Keep protesting and boycotting. Keep doing what we need to do online, if we can't do bigger things offline.

#mela just texted

[joelsgreys]

As someone who was very recently having the same feelings about writing and fitting in on here as you are, I very much understand how you feel. It's extremely painful and makes you question everything, but you really, truly, genuinely are a wonderful writer. I'm glad to hear you don't plan to stop writing, but I hope you don’t leave because you bring value to this fandom and to readers. You could write for any character and someone could emotionally connect to it and that's a very powerful gift. I got a message today from someone telling me my fics got them through really hard times, and hon, I'm gonna tell you the same, because it's true. I felt like I should quit writing because there was a lull in my popularity for a couple fics and it damaged my self confidence, but reading your fics reminded me of why I love to write, which is to connect with people. I read "to do the right thing" and was blown away (though you might not have noticed this name. I have separated blogs for everything). So much so that I was like, oh right, this is why I love to write--to feel things like this and hope others feel the same when reading my work. It's hard to remember on here, where we live by notes and comments and reblogs, that sometimes making an impact on one person is a big deal and it matters. You happen to positively impact a large group of people with every story you post.

I feel like I can confidently say that people here support whatever choices you will make moving forward, but I also feel I can confidently say that we would miss you and your writing.

Sorry this is so long. But I get it, hon. Just keep on keeping on. 🩵 I hope you feel better soon.

I legitimately…am crying. Like I always say “oh I’m crying” no but actual tears are coming down right now and I’m so glad because I think for one, I just need a good cry and get out all these feelings I’ve been harboring and two, I have gotten kind words over the last couple of days that have all had such an impact on me and I think this was the last one, in addition to the others that finally felt like a good slap in the face wake up call to snap me out of whatever emotional dumpsterfire state I’ve been in.

I’ve lost quite a few followers between yesterday and today (I get it, emotional pity party Vee who does nothing but bitch and complain is not a fun person to follow so no hard feelings) but it DID make me wonder if I’m truly being nuts about it all and whether my mental health is just so far down the garbage chute that I don’t see how ridiculous I’m being over nothing? But with people reaching out to tell me they know how it feels…I feel a little less crazy, that’s for sure. I feel disappointed in myself for letting myself fall into that damn trap of caring so much about notes. Especially because when I first started out, I didn’t care about it. I was just having fun and sharing my ideas. The human part of me adores the validation and it makes me feel good and that’s okay, but to let it get to the point where I am letting a number determine whether my stuff is good it or not? That’s not okay. I wouldn’t want anyone, especially fellow writers who I think are so talented, to do this.

I feel ashamed tbh. Because you’re right, touching someone with your writing and connecting to people, that’s what is important. I loved getting replies and messages about someone telling me they can put themselves right in my story, that they felt like they were there. I loved that people told me they could feel my character’s emotions. I hold my characters so close to me and I should not stop loving them. They’re mine, and there are people out there who love them too. It shouldn’t matter if it’s 1 or 1000. If one person adores my sweet lil Peach from ASH, than I appreciate that one person for loving a fictional character I created.

I have a few people who have been so supportive of me and reminding me how much they love my writing and they’re more important to me than all the fucking notes and popularity on this site. And to any of these few people, I’m so sorry for being such a sad train wreck of a person. I hope you know how much I appreciate you sticking around and being so encouraging while I have been in my feels. I didn’t mean to be so ungrateful to you. I’m going to keep on writing and posting for myself, but for YOU as well. Because you’ve been here for me and you support me and that means more to me than anything.

Thank you so much for this message. It truly was the last one that snapped me out of it.

#this was long #i’m sorry #i just had an epiphany

[sonictalismans]

The Value of Hatred

So many conversations about recovering from abuse push the idea of forgiving your abusers, but so few acknowledge the value in just letting yourself hate them and hate what they did for a while - in letting yourself safely process that anger.

When you continuously harbor sympathetic sentiments towards people who seriously hurt you as I have for many, many years, the pain and resentment and hatred you feel towards the abusive actions they deliberately took on you doesn't go away.

Do you know what happens to it?

When you continue to sympathize with someone who was terrible to you, you begin to understand where they were coming from. You may begin to believe some of what they believed. All of that anger that you carried for them eventually gets misfired at people who didn't earn it. Maybe it's yourself. Maybe it's the people in your life. Usually, it's both.

Sometimes, the anger you feel towards yourself or others, while disproportionate, has some legitimacy in the present; perhaps you or your friends and loved ones could do better. But, more often than not, it consists mostly of sentiments towards an abusive figure that went unexpressed because it simply wasn't safe to express them, and something in the present simply reignited them. (Also, it is possible to express and deal with present hurt, anger, disappointment, and frustration with yourself and others without unproductive hostility, but I'll get to that later.)

Now, I'm not saying you should call up your abusers and chew them out or burn down their houses or anything like that, as satisfying as it might sound in the moment. Please remember that contact with an abuser is rarely if ever fruitful. But, if you ever find yourself wondering (as I have many times) - "Why is it that I can find myself seething with rage over a minor disagreement or misunderstanding or mistake, but I can only feel cornered and helpless when it comes to the truly awful things that have happened to me? Why do I sometimes feel like I hate absolutely everyone except the person who hurt me the most?" you might need to spend some time just feeling how much you hate what they did.

Maybe you can write some "fuck you" letters that you never send. Maybe you can do some active imagination (basically internal RP with yourself) in which you can revisit certain interactions with them and speak what was unsafe to in those moments. Whatever you choose to do, you have to give yourself space and license to be honest about how god-awful their actions were and how much you hate what they did before you can truly "let go" of that anger, so it does not end up backfiring onto yourself or your loved ones.

As far as disproportionate reactions to present hurts go, I do not think they should go unaddressed. Clear communication is important for everyone, but I believe it is especially important for abuse survivors because it can save us both from getting revictimized and from victimizing others. If you find yourself frustrated with yourself or with someone you know in the present, give yourself some time to think through it and then ask yourself "if somebody else had this same problem with me, how would I want them to let me know?" and go from there. Don't blow up, but don't blow off, either!

The tl;dr bottom line of all this is - if you tolerate cruel or hostile behavior from someone you are close to, and you continue to sympathize with them, you will eventually come to tolerate cruelty and hostility in yourself. In order to prevent this from happening, you must practice being absolutely intolerant of what you endured in your thoughts, while still being mindful of how you are reacting to present situations.

#abuse #long post #recovery #thoughts #trauma

[phoebosacerales]

hello! im always looking with respect at traditional astrologers, and the art feels super refreshing after years of thinking the only astrology there is is the popular stuff. im kind of interested in learning? but im also kind of unsure about how deterministic the aspects of it are?

one thing i enjoy about modern astrology is the ability to look at difficult houses and see the possibility of transformation within them. my 12th house north node and part of fortune are not things i consider curses. im overall hella fascinated by humans ability to evolve and heal. (though thats SO fucking rare even who people who try to. i know potential doesnt equal result) im thinking that traditional astrology might be the way it is because at the time people just truly had no way to become better in any way. if someone now is born poor they can work on my relationship with finances and eventually create a beautiful stable life for themselves, they can heal the relationship wounds caused by abusive families etc etc

what do you think? is it worth learning about traditional astrology if im going to have this type of approach?

Not all traditional astrologers are super deterministic. If you go to the medieval astrologers you'll see they were also dealing with magic, so they're examples of traditional astrologers who definitely weren't fully deterministic as well. I don't like determimism either and I've talked a little about this here. I'm more on a middle ground. A lot of the ancient hellenistic astrologers were stoics and believed in a very closed kind of fate, so they thought every little thing could be predicted, but this is not an inherent characteristic of the art, it was their own beliefs projected on it. Studying someone's techniques doesn't really require you to subscribe to their beliefs. A level of predictability also doesn't imply hard determinism. Otherwise all of us would be that, after all modern astrologers are also predicting by looking at the birth chart and telling what a person's life has been like.

Some idea of fate is still there in modern astrology even if the content on the internet will try to tell you it isn't, I believe some modern astrologers have too many contradictory beliefs because of this. And of course, it actually gets even more difficult to sell astrology and keep a following if you're going to tell people some disappointing stuff, so obviously modern evolutionary astrology is popular also because it's so "optimistic". And even if not done in bad faith, they're selling the idea that their service will be fundamental for you to get out of a bad situation, and that's a little scammy.

I don't believe your 12th house north node and part of fortune are curses either.* I myself have a 12th house Moon and north node, which is actually an eclipse, I have 5 out of 7 planets in bad houses that don't see the Asc, 2 of them also combust, everything in squares. The other 2 are Saturn, my malefic out of sect and Jupiter in fall in a cadent house ruling my finances. But still, considering the family I was born in, I'm in a very good situation compared to all of them. Despite difficulties, I'm one of the less than 1% of the brazillian population that is attending a public University (which is extremely competitive to get into, and they have the highest demand because of their quality), I have a high change of actually finishing it and not dropping out. And that poor eclipsed Moon in the 12th with a malefic fixed star and the north node is the one ruling my 9th house and holding this up for me. I've seriously never seen an uggliest chart than mine, so I could never be the kind of astrologer who looks at a 12th house planet and already imagines the worse case scenario. And I've actually seen charts that looked kinda okay, but they were charts of people with very troubling lives.

I don't agree that today in general people have more oportunities to get out of poverty, because meritocracy is a monstrous lie. Life is difficult, some lives are more difficult than others and some people have more of a feeling of control than others. And there's an issue if you're telling everyone that they can do anything they put their mind to, when context actually makes things impossible, if that's just wishful thinking and simply not true. This does put pressure and blame on people to tell them that if they haven't achieved something that's because they didn't do enough "work". Some things you can't change, sometimes there isn't even enough time to understand and try to change things, so all you can offer is an ear. But I do also have an issue with the deterministic idea that tells people there's no way around things, that they should accept things the way that they are because that's the destiny their soul chose or whatever.

But the point is that you will fry your brain over the issue of fate vs free will forever and no type of astrology you study will give you an answer. This is an ages old dilemma in philosophy and any astrologer who tells you they found the answer by themselves through astrology is just mistaken and probably being a little arrogant.

*Just an observation: the nodes aren't really all that important in "western" astrology, much less their house placement. Modern astrology puts a lot of importance on them after appropriating from Vedic and the way this is done is really not good.

#about fate #answered

[autizzysonikko]

If I make... A fic that's better (and more enjoyable/bearable for me to write), that has more chapters and is more thought out... And stop working on perfect nothing...

Would that be okay with you guys?

I am gonna be honest. I do not like writing this fic anymore. Every idea I get stops making sense and makes it less enjoyable for me to write, like to the point of hating writing (AND I CAN'T HATE WRITING?!). It also fills me with dread because it's like, what if this isn't the conclusion anyone wants? + I think it's too ambitious for me to actually complete. I honestly feel awful when I write it now, it's more like a chore than a hobby. It prevents me from moving on to other things because I don't like to have things incomplete. I really don't. But I genuinely don't know where I'm going with this story and how u want to continue it. It makes me feel awful, even writing this post I feel so awful. Draft after draft, document after document, plan after plan, if it were physical copies, hell, I could fill 3 trash cans with the scrapped ideas... I feel humiliated. I feel dumb, especially for starting this on a whim, never completing it. And now I feel like I'm disappointing many, especially myself.

Kinda in a conundrum here. I'll see if I can ever find the motivation (not the right word, because I'm motivated I'm just... Dreading it?) to finish it. If I can't, I'm moving to other projects that I hope can be good enough. Maybe better! Maybe just as good. Hopefully just as good.

I once again truly apologize for this. And I can understand if you are disappointed especially if you had to deal with the long wait, and now you're being hit with a murky/uncertain future for a great work that you enjoy. I never expected it to get so many hits, it being my most popular fic. That overwhelms me. That makes me feel like I'm now tasked to finish it. It's scary. So I'm pausing it indefinitely until I can at least feel ready to write for it again. Possibly rewrite it? Unsure for now. I am really sorry.

#ko posting #ko writing update #sonic #sonic fanfic

[your-regina]

Not lost

For most of my life I was of the idea that everyone could change and thus everyone deserved pity and second chances. Perhaps there's good inside everyone, maybe no one  knowingly causes harm to others, but are instead driven by the purely irrational impulses so characteristic of humanity. But we now know that's not the case for everyone; I'd go as far as to say there's way more irreparably harmful people out there then what I'm equiped to deal with.

"She didn't believe in evil, and because of that she was immune to it". Those were the words used to describe one of the illustrious characters in a magical realism novel I read when I was 13; it is indeed a very short sentence, but it had a great influence in my world view. I thought that maybe it held some truth to it and people could avoid being reached by bad intentions by simply being ignorant of their existence. So for the longest time I held on to the hope that every wrongdoing from others towards me was but a mere coincidence. In the same way galaxies collide simply because they're moving in the same direction, I used to think most of my misfortune related to social interaction had to be either collateral damage or something I brought upon myself, which I wouldn't completely discard even now.

That's at least what my faulty moral compass wanted to point towards, but I'm truly not that dumb. I'm a bit reluctant to reflect on whatever interaction I have with the rest of the world, simply because I always considered I had way more pressing issues to attend, and also because it has never led to anything but disappointment. It's not like I can't think to save my life, it's just that I'd much rather die without ever knowing what came over me.

I find that so many of the positive effects my medicine has on me are related to the numbness and unwillingness to think it provides. But you know I always wake up from that haze, sooner or later.

Things get cleared up with time, no need to be particularly sharp. I have more than enough conscience to understand when things are going well, and of course, I can feel when someone's drifting away, and when they were never close in the first place.

I believe now that not everyone wears a shell, and sometimes what you see is exactly what you get, no dept or mistery, just simple, plain ugliness.

Maybe I shouldn't underestimate my gut feelings so much, and I should instead revindicate myself as the incredibly self aware person I am, with a particular knack for pessimism.

You know I myself have never been pure and pristine. Even as a little girl I was cute enough to try to curse someone I strongly disliked, and maybe now I don't think in magical ways of getting back at people like that, but I for sure don't let anything slide, not really. As it turns out, I really revel in the prospect of being annoying and causing a lot of petty distress, just poking around until something eventually hurts.

In any case, I've thought long and hard about what it means to have a place in the world, to be respected and recognized for what I am. To be fair, I'd say I do an incredibly good job at keeping myself low-key, mostly out of everyone's sight so that I don't bother anyone, because I'm truly not the sort of person who simply goes around picking fights and choosing infructuous battles. So how come I somehow manage to get in people's nerves? Well, I think it may have something to do the perception people form of me just by this sort of shallow interaction. I think I come off as rather dumb, malleable and scatterbrained; I don't have the nerve to plainly state I'm none of that, but I certainly like to adopt that sort of unassuming personality so that no one perceives as a threat and maybe I can get a better chance at living the peaceful days I strive to have.

It's not even something that came out of nowhere, but rather something I very purposefully wrote down in countless letters as I tried to figure out the best ways of bribing this world.

I don't necessarily regret it, I think I got a lot out of it, but there's only so much belittlement I can stand for the sake of peace.

#regina's heart

[the-storyteller-and-her-soldiers]

Let Sleeping Princesses Lie?

So just to let you know this takes place after everything here! So as well as being my guard, Jack and his friends are trying to find people who can properly serve as warriors of light and hope for the people! What better way to do that than acting as the 'threat' that the old legends speak of? Not many people know about this double life other than Empress Alys, myself, my close friends, and my other close guards! But when it comes to finding a fit for any noble role, there are a lot of people who're unworthy yet feel entitled to it!

Warnings: Some mild cursing, and one bullet mentioning violence but it's vague!

So it's one of the times that a prince from another land comes to visit. But it isn't for mere diplomacy, trade, or other politics. It's to ask my mother for my hand since he can't take a 'no' from me.

This normally wouldn't be a problem, except the guy's a pompous, whiny, and spoiled prick, who doesn't know what the word 'no' is!! It's his 37th attempt.

When Empress Alys and I learn of his impending arrival, the irritation and utter disappointment that floods our beings can't be hidden.

Alys tears up the letter and groans about having her weekend plans shot. I simply plant my face on the table, trying to even BEGIN mentally preparing for this man's slimy tactics he deems courting.

"Why can't we just kick his ass, Mom?"

"Royal politics, it's better to deal with one whiny asshole for a few days than the headache of stomping out a whole bunch of them in a war, his people seem nice enough and I don't want them harmed. Besides, you were banned from violence," Alys quips, earning another disappointed groan from her daughter. "Don't worry though, I'll do my best to keep him away from you."

This gives me an idea as I slowly raise my head from the table. I explain to my mother that she wouldn't have to keep him away from me if I wasn't around.

Alys is intrigued but recalled that we attempted this plan on his 15th attempt and he began harassing the entire capital city to find me.

"Yeah, I wouldn't want anyone else to deal with him. But what if I was 'kidnapped'?"

This catches Alys's attention, seeing how such a scenario used to instill anxiety the seemingly fearless woman. But now, this was a phrase used rather commonly when the princess needed a mental health day or simply wanted to be with one of her loves that held more of an unsavory reputation.

"And just who would be laying their tainted hands on my daughter?"

I look down again, not in defeat, but to hide the scorching scarlet creeping up my cheeks as I squeak out Jack's name.

Alys only giggles quietly at my flustered state and gently teases how she knew I'd fall for him. She then remarks teasingly that it has been a good while since I've been on a romantic getaway with him.

I slam my head on the table again before exclaiming how this is just for the prosperity of our people and our own mental health.

So after explaining the situation to Jack who seemed nonchalant about the issue but is more than happy both to have me to himself for a bit and to get away from the spoiled prince so he can't be at fault for killing him as my guard.

Within days, I'm 'locked away' within the Shrine of Chaos which honestly has become a second home.

In the walls of the shrine, and away from prying eyes, Jack's softness is truly revealed. He'll hold me closer, kisses of all types are more frequent, and that smile which is usually nonexistent is almost always present! All because no one's there to say he can't.

Not to mention that I get to spend some more quality time with Ash, Jed, Neon, and Sophia and I get filled in on all the adventures that we normally don't have time for!

Three more days pass and from checking in with mom, we know that the prince has set off to 'save me after she told him the tale of the 'Warriors of Light' and how she'd be honored if he were to defeat chaos to marry me.'

But we haven't seen a trace of him, and we should've at least seen activity from him a day ago at this point.

Jack tells me that I shouldn't worry about it and coerces me to just relax.

I do just that to the point that I soon fall asleep on Jack while watching a movie together.

Well, it's during my nap that the prince catches the attention of Jed who was messing around and sparring with Neon outside. So the two go and tell Jack so that everyone can get in position.

Jack takes his place on the throne, adorning his armor to really seal the deal. Even if a part of him is itching to punch the daylights out of the prince as he is for how the prince has treated me.

The scene is set, I truly appear as if Chaos has taken me hostage with how small I appear curled up in Jack's lap. But what no one approaching could see is how I snuggle further into Jack's lap instead of away or how Jack's metal gauntlets brush my skin ever so tenderly as if I was glass.

Of course, the prince wouldn't notice. His head is too filled with rancid dreams of marriage, what he'd do with his new status, and fear of the nightmarish creatures pursuing him.

But all that comes to a standstill as he approaches Jack. But instead of fear or voicing a challenge, he begins... monologuing... about himself.

Jack's helm is terrifying, but honestly, the prince is lucky to be viewing that helm and not Jack's face because if looks could kill then the prince would be suffering a fate worse than death.

Yet no one is more annoyed than me. To engage in an arrogant monologue is one thing that makes me hate you, to WAKE ME UP with an arrogant monologue is a way to make the fiery depths of hell look nice!

When the prince notices I'm awake, he begins going on about how he'll be the 'great Warrior of Light' and we'll be married once he 'badassedly defeats' this demon and all the things we must make up for when he gets me home.

One: I'm annoyed to be awake by this guy. Two: You do not call my love a demon, if I scold the people of my empire who I love for it, well, this guy is going to be turned into a burnt chicken nugget or SO HELP ME!

Jack notices that I'm .2 seconds away from casting a scorching flame. So he simply picks me up like I'm a small cat, places me on the throne, and goes to confront the prince.

This confrontation is actually Jack just backhanding the prince to the ground and then choking him to the point of unconsciousness.

With that handled, Jack goes back to me and pets my head before telling me that with this handled, we should be getting back.

So Jack carries me back home mostly, while we all take turns wheeling back the poor prince. All the while we're cracking jokes and the others are impressed with how offensive the patient princess can be.

When we get back to Alys, she promptly and graciously thanks Ashe, Jack, Jed, Neon, and Sophia. She then looks the prince over for anything fatal before shipping him back off to his home with a letter of 'heartfelt gratitude', written by myself, for taking part in the search for the princess...

If anyone were to ask, Jack and the others found him knocked out by a cactaur when searching for me. While the rest of the kingdom simply believes I was wrapped up in duties at the castle.

We may not know if this excursion has put off the prince permanently (Probably not) but he won't be back until his injuries are healed. Yet maybe, just maybe, this prince will finally let sleeping princesses lie...

Tagging: @canongf @disneymarina @floweringforgetfulness @goldenworldsabound @jellyfish-ships @hadesgoddess

#ship: paradise found #royalty au #selfshipdom #selfship community #self shipping #self insert #self insert community #self indulgent stuff #fo community #f/o x s/i #f/o content #f/o community

[trashlie]

Hi! Don't worry I know it's hard working full time... I'm in the same boat as you 🥲

It was a super intense chapter and I still can't believe it's real. I'm still shocked and I don't even know what will happen next?? Will the witch appear? Will Shin ae and the others find out about what happened that same night?? I can't wait!

I think, SO MUCH, about how much more I'd be able to do if I only worked 32 hours a week, if we could just survive without having to spend this much time working, aaahhhhh ;______; I've been trying to balance my life, get some exercise going, cook more, study Korean a little more intensely, and it turns out there is NOT enough time in a week for all of this, but I'm trying lmao. I wish I could just transfer my thoughts into posts (I once debated if I thought I could do a podcast just dedicated to talking about the episodes and my 800 million thoughts but idk if I could actually bring myself to do it LMAOOOOO)

Anyway YESSSSS god it was SO intense and I feel like I'm still reeling from it? It feels like so much happened in that episode, because of how much it gave us. I can't get over how emotional it was?

I'm gonna place a little read more here, so I can get into some of my spoiler-y thoughts!

I am, frankly, horrified by the idea of Yui appearing and I hope she doesn't, but also I feel like if Rand took off to bring clothes to Kousuke, she might not be far behind, right? Something I forgot to mention in the big thought dump post I just posted is Kousuke's reaction to reading that letter from Nessa in the Bible - and how dark his expression looked. It's rough enough that he's facing one of his fears - disappointing Rand, again lol - and Rand's out here calling "my son" to Nol and pulling out all the paternal care that he's never shown Kousuke before, but god that letter from Nessa is full of so much warmth and love. Reading that will absolutely bring awareness to him that Nol wasn't so much a mistake, that Nessa wasn't the result of skirt-chasing as much as someone Rand loved, and cared about, and showed that love to, something Kousuke has never seen from Rand towards himself or even Yui. I think he's spent his whole life thinking that Nessa destroyed the sense of family, but for him to find out that Rand had kept that this whole time, that it had, at some point, been passed to Nol? How does he recover from that? How does he deal with the realization that it was true: that Rand was far too busy for his own family, but still found time to start another family, with someone he truly loved.

How do you deal with that?!

Genuinely, honestly cannot even predict if Shinae and everyone will find out about this. Maybe Kousuke will storm back to the house to get Hansuke, Yujing, and Meg and get the fuck out of there? Maybe someone will come outside to check on them? Maybe they'll go back to the party to get a phone? Or, well, Rand probably has his on him and there's the car, anyway, so maybe he'll take Nol and rush off to a hospital, but I can imagine Kousuke getting left behind, or not wanting to go because, well? Would you? lmao that would be the most awkward car ride and chances are Rand is furious and anguished.

It would be really interesting to see how everyone else will react, though. Shinae is so good at trying to remain neutral and see things from both sides, and considering she was there to witness Nol egging Kousuke into punching him, she knows HOW things went down, but would her opinion change if she knew that Nol was more injured than he let on? Or would she focus more on herself and blame herself for letting him leave and not insisting he stay and get looked over? I know this could be a pivotal event that changes her thoughts on Kousuke, but again, because she was actually there and bore witness to how it played out, does that give her more room to see him in a different light than Rand might?

More than any of that, I think they'd probably all feel a lot of horror - and maybe, again, guilt for not insisting he stay, but also, isn't that complicated? Because they already know who Nol is, what he's like, it's not the first time he peaced out on them like this, so how much could they have actually changed his mind?

One thing is for sure, that was NOT a good first impression on Minhyuk lmaooooooooo

I do think a part of me wants to with or hope that somehow Nol's friends could go see him in the hospital - because he's clearly going to have to be treated before he serves his time, he's going to have to heal before that - and maybe let it be a last demonstration at "you don't have to do this alone you have friends and we care about you even if you're stupid and reckless and too selfless for your own good" so that he can get sent off with that warmth but idk if that's just TOO hopeful for what we're playing at.

I think we are right on the cusp of the first timeskip, though. I don't know if I think it will be this episode - I think there's a lot of loose ends that need to tie up, first, right? - or within a few episodes, but I feel like this has really set the stage for the bigger timeskip when we get there. I think the part that remains the biggest mystery to me right now is: how is all of this going to affect Kousuke? Will he retreat further into his fabricated reality, or will this be one of the first threads snipped to free him?

SO excited to see tonight's episode, aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

#I Love Yoo #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #ILY Brainrot #WHAT WAS MY ASK TAG i'm gonna clean up my tumblr one day #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Nol #Kousuke Hirahara #Shinae Yoo