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#i've been pretending. and i'll keep pretending
starlettescarlet · 3 days
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no, Matty's not TTPD's muse - and neither is Joe
okay so in my previous post i said that i believe that taylor has a secret muse (or muses) she's been writing about and in this masterpost i'll further explain why.
alright so as many of you may have noticed, there are a few main themes in most of taylor's work: forbidden romances, being in love with your best friend - or someone so controversial that the world wouldn't accept, your parents wouldn't accept, you and your love being against the world, religious guilt - you know the stuff. i've always wondered why? because Taylor Swift the gorgeous gorgeous billionaire who's always been dating famous single men who's around her age (we're leaving Jack and John out here) - like why would her relationships would be so forbidden and unheard of and the world just turn against her if they knew? the obvious theory is, yeah because she's gay or at least bisexual. i think everyone has heard enough of this theory (and i think this is the theory that has the most evidence) but in this post i'm going to keep in neutral and try to explore it in a more broad way.
with the drop of TTPD, she put a face to this forbidden love - turns out it was Matty Healy all long. it was Matty whom she secretly dreamt about and it was Matty whom would make her fall from grace just to touch his face etcetera. i mean yeah, it could be - but honestly i feel like this doesn't hold enough evidence considering she had been writing about the same person before they even met (2014). that's why I think Matty is a red-herring (a clue or piece of information that is, or is intended to be, misleading or distracting). it holds even more evidence when she is the one who's been telling us that she lies and withholds informations from us if you've ever listened to her carefully. anyways i'm not good at summarising stuff, so i'll just share the examples (the files, if you will) and it's up to you to decide.
so Taylor wrote about forbidden love both in Fearless (Love Story) and Speak Now (Ours), but we won't get into much detail here considering she was still a kid so yep it makes sense her parents wouldn't let her date who she wants lmao.
file I. Red
"Put your lips close to mine As long as they don't touch"
i think the entirety of Treacherous is pretty self-explanatory. this was like 2-3 years before she met Matty.
file ii. 1989
"And you took a Polaroid of us Then discovered (Then discovered) The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color"
the entirety of Out of the Woods explores the same old theme of your love being doomed from the beginning and it's you and your love against the world. this is supposed to about Harry Styles because of the bridge (Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?) (which I believe is an other red-herring) but I honestly do not understand why dating Harry Styles would feel like that lmao. "Baby, like we stood a chance / Two paper airplanes flying" i mean i don't know.
"Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds? Ooh, didn't it all seem new and exciting?"
"Too in love to think straight All alone, or so it seemed But there were strangers watching And whispers turned to talking And talking turned to screams, oh"
the same theme in Wonderland (which i believe sounds extremely queer, but like i said it's for you to decide)
"I cannot be your friend, so I pay the price of what I lost"
"Truth is, I can't pretend it's Platonic, it's just ended, so"
"One night, he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses, then says, "You're my best friend" And you knew what it was, he is in love"
themes of being in love with your best friend. i think it's self-explanatory.
"I had the fantasy that maybe our mismatched star signs Would surprise the whole school"
"When you told me we'd get back together"
"You don't knock anymore, and my whole life's ruined"
another theme is high school lovers. which is interesting because none of Taylor's exes that we know about weren't in the same school with her, or neither were her childhood friends. this theme will make a huge comeback in later albums.
file iii. reputation
this album is FUCKED. okay,
"Something happened for the first time In the darkest little paradise Shaking, pacing, I just need you"
"For you I would cross the line I would waste my time I would lose my mind They say, "She's gone too far this time."
"Halo, hiding my obsession I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy"
reputation is mostly supposed to be about Joe Alwyn and again, i don't know what is it about Joe that would make her questions her faith like that.
"Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep"
?
"I, I loved you in secret First sight, yeah, we love without reason"
"Picture of your face in an invisible locket You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it I had a bad feeling"
"I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?"
"I'd kiss you as the lights went out Swaying as the room burned down I'd hold you as the water rushes in"
again i really don't remember her and Joe ever being this secret and forbidden and the public wouldn't let them be together if they ever knew but, okay.
"Our secret moments in a crowded room They got no idea about me and you"
"All of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation My hands are shaking from holding back from you"
"I don't want you like a best friend"
"Inescapable, I'm not even gonna try And if I get burned, at least we were electrified"
"Everyone thinks that they know us But they know nothing about—"
TAYLOR WHAT'S GOING ON. alright we're moving on
file iv. Lover
"I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you And I snuck in through the garden gate Every night that summer just to seal my fate (Oh) And I scream, "For whatever it's worth I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?"
again there's this romance that is so forbidden and not meant to happen but she can't help it etcetera. doesn't scream Joe Alwyn to me.
"We were crazy to think Crazy to think that this could work Remember how I said I'd die for you? We were stupid to jump In the ocean separating us Remember how I'd fly to you?"
"They all warned us about times like this They say the road gets hard and you get lost When you're led by blind faith, blind faith"
"But we might just get away with it Religion's in your lips Even if it's a false god We'd still worship We might just get away with it The altar is my hips Even if it's a false god"
"I know heaven's a thing I go there when you touch me, honey"
"Make confessions and we're begging for forgiveness"
again what's going on that would make her question her faith like that.
"School bell rings, walk me home"
"20 questions, we tell the truth You've been stressed out lately, yeah, me too Something gave you the nerve To touch my hand"
"Church bells ring, carry me home Rice on the ground looks like snow Call my bluff, call you "Babe" Have my back, yeah, every day Feels like home, stay in bed The whole weekend"
again being in love with your best friend and they get married at the end. honestly i just believe this is gay.
file v. Folklore
"I persist and resist the temptation to ask you If one thing had been different Would everything be different today?"
"In my defense, I have none For digging up the grave another time"
the entirety of The One is just about still thinking about your ex love. this theme will make a huge comeback in TTPD.
"I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy"
again she's reminiscing about her ex love. keep the Peter & Wendy theme in the back of your mind.
"You know I didn't want to Have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels That I gave you As you bury me"
another theme is ghosts, death and burials. also keep this one in mind.
"I still got love for you Your braids like a pattern Love you to the moon and to Saturn Passed down like folk songs The love lasts so long"
another childhood love song. it could be interpreted as platonic, but it sounds romantic to me. idk.
"Back when we were still changing for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all"
"Cause you weren't mine to lose You weren't mine to lose"
she's still reminiscing about "The One" but here it also overlaps with the high school love muse. this is going to make more sense in Evermore.
"And that's the thing about illicit affairs And clandestine meetings And longing stares It's born from just one single glance But it dies and it dies and it dies"
i mean i don't think an explanation for Illicit Affairs is needed. here comes a new theme, the one whom she's having a forbidden affair turns out to be married.
"You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else"
"You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else"
kinda screams Out of the Woods to me.
"My twisted knife My sleepless night My winless fight This has frozen my ground"
"You know I left a part of me back in New York You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for"
"You knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score?"
again this is supposed to be about Joe (the references to "blue", him being a pisces and having mental issues) but it really doesn't sound like it - i mean not in the narrative we know about.
"Take me to the Lakes where all the poets went to die I don't belong and, my beloved, neither do you"
"While I bathe in cliffside pools With my calamitous love and insurmountable grief"
again the feeling of being misunderstood by the whole public and she defines Joe as her "calamitous" (catastrophic) love. hmm.
file vi. evermore
"Every bait-and-switch was a work of art"
bait-and-switch in literature is explained as: "This occurs when the author guides and encourages readers to invest their attention in some suspenseful situation but then is substitute for a payoff that has little to do with what occurred before."
"So we could call it even You could call me "babe" for the weekend 'Tis the damn season, write this down I'm staying at my parents' house And the road not taken looks real good now And it always leads to you and my hometown"
"I parked my car Right between the Methodist and the school that used to be ours"
"So I'll go back to LA And the so-called friends who'll write books about me if I ever make it And wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm faking"
again the high school love.
"There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you"
reminiscing The One again.
"Hey Dorothea Do you ever stop and think about me? When we were younger Down in the park Honey, making a lark of the misery"
this is the childhood friend muse we've seen before in It's Nice to Have a Friend and Seven (even in Mary's Song).
"And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go"
"Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care? 'Cause we were like the mall before the Internet It was the one place to be The mischief, the gift wrapped suburban dreams"
this kind of sounds to me like the muse in 'tis the Damn Season. it is clear that this was someone from her teenage years, could be the high school love. also a reference to Suburban Legends.
"Oh, goddamn My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand Taking mine, but it's been promised to another"
the married muse.
"And the old widow goes to the stone every day But I don't, I just sit here and wait Grieving for the living"
"I wish to know The fatal flaw that makes you long to be Magnificently cursed"
the same cemetery and being haunted theme.
"It's been a long time And seeing the shape of your name Still spells out pain"
"I know I'm just a Wrinkle in your new life Staying "friends" Would iron it out so nice"
she's still reminiscing about her ex love and also a reference to being friends.
"Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt"
right where you left me is like the song that has all the theories combined lmao. there's not getting over The One, there's her love getting married to someone else (Glass shattere on the white cloth / I'm sure that you got a wife out there / Kids and Christmas but I'm unaware cause I'm right where you left me), there's being haunted, there's queerness (Hairpin drop) - there's literally everything.
file vii. Midnights
"Laughing with my feet in your lap Like you were my closest friend"
the best friend theme and honestly i think this is just gay.
"'Cause I don't remember who I was before you Painted all my nights A color I have searched for since"
feels like a direct reference to Out of the Woods and, illicit affairs maybe?
"Oh, my, love is a lie Shit my friends say to get me by It hits different It hits different this time"
another breakup song that was written when she was with Joe.
"I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost"
the Kens will make a comeback in TTPD.
"I find the artifacts, cried over a hat Cursed the space that I needed I trace the evidence, make it make some sense"
"artifacts" and "evidence" will also make a come back later.
"Bet I could still melt your world Argumentative, antithetical dream girl"
honestly i think this is just gay.
"Is it okay? Is it you? Or have they come to take me away? To take me away"
another reference to being locked up in an asylum lmao.
"We can plant a memory garden Say a solemn prayer Place a poppy in my hair"
another reference to graveyards and also battles, which comes back in You're Losing Me.
"Privacy sign on the door And on my page and on the whole world Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours"
keeping your love hidden which she didn't lmao
"I wanna transport you To somewhere the culture's clever Confess my truth In swooping, sloping, cursive letters"
she needs to take her love to somewhere the culture's clever so they could be... understood? i mean i wonder why... why would she need to confess her truth about Joe
"High infidelity Put on your records and regret me"
"Do you really want to know where I was April 29th? Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?"
she's just cheating
"I'd pay, if you'd just know me"
another reference to taylor feeling like she's not being understood
"We were supposed to be just friends You don't live in my part of town but maybe I'll see you out some weekend"
friends alert
"Dear reader, if it feels like a trap You're already in one"
"Dear reader, burn all the files Desert all your past lives And if you don't recognize yourself That means you did it right"
"Never take advice from someone who's falling apart"
"Dear reader, you don't have to answer Just 'cause they asked you"
"Dear reader, the greatest of luxuries is your secrets"
i think Dear Reader is the song that made the making of TTPD possible because this is like the first song she directly confesses that her life is not what it seems and she keeps things hidden
"I prefer hiding in plain sight"
"Spilling out to you for free But darling, darling, please You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking If you knew where I was walking To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there"
she's basically saying YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU THE TRUTH. it cannot get more obvious.
"You should find another guiding light, guiding light But I shine so bright"
she knows that despite her efforts to tell us about her life and how it's very different from the narrative she tells us the public won't believe it cause she shines so bright
file viii. THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT
"I was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic"
she shockingly confesses to not actually being what she seemed to be - she's depressed and she's an alcoholic and the reference to being locked up in the psych ward (Hits Difference) (also Fortnight mv)
"You're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road"
"But you awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head"
kind of reminds me of the muse of Peace (if your cascade ocean blue waves come) and Hoax
"He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens"
the best friend theme and the Kens?
"Did you take all my old clothes? Just to leave me here naked and alone In a field in my same old town"
"Down bad like I lost my twin"
honestly it sounds like she's singing about a woman here. (Karlie)
"I'll build you a fort on some planet Where they can all understand it"
the reference to Paris and all the other songs where she feels like her love cannot be understood
"I just learned these people only raise you to cage you Sarahs and Hannahs in their Sunday best Clutching their pearls, sighing, "What a mess" I just learned these people try and save you 'Cause they hate you"
i won't write the whole lyrics but the entirety of But Daddy I Love him is about forbidden love (like Love Story), not being understood, the whole world judging your love etc.
"Now, pretty baby, I'm runnin' back home to you Fresh out the slammer, I know who my first call will be to"
"Gray and blue and fights and tunnels Handcuffed to the spell I was under For just one hour of sunshine"
"My friends tried but I wouldn't hear it Watched me daily disappearing For just one glimpse of his smile"
i feel like Frest Out the Slammer is a direct reference to illicit affairs muse (Make sure nobody sees you leave / Hood over your head keeps your eyes down / Tell them you're out for a run / You'll be flushed when you return)
"At the park where we used to sit on children's swings Wearing imaginary rings"
again it sounds like the muse is somebody whom she's known since she was way younger
"Without ever touching his skin How can I be guilty as sin?"
yeah she wants to cheat so bad lmao. i think this is pre-illicit affairs.
"I keep these longings locked In lowercase, inside a vault Someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts Only your actions talk"
again religious guilt and keeping your desires hidden.
"What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyway What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy? If long-suffering propriety is what they want from me They don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly I choose you and me religiously"
wow. once again she's haunted.
"They shake their heads, saying, "God help her" when I Tell 'em he's my man But your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger I can fix him, no really I can"
you know what i honestly believe this is the same muse from cowboy like me lmao. another dangerous forbidden love.
"Who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames If we know the steps anyway? We embroidered the memories of the time I was away Stitching, "We were just kids, babe" I said, "I don't mind, it takes time""
here comes the muse from the 1, the old flame. again the childhood / high school lovers trope.
"Still alive, killing time at the cemetery Never quite buried"
cemeteries again?
"It was unnecessary, should've let it stay buried"
i think this is after-the 1. (If one thing had been different / Would everything be different today?) i think they tried again but it didn't work.
"I can read your mind "She's having the time of her life" There in her glittering prime The lights refract sequin stars Off her silhouette every night I can show you lies"
i don't think i need to explain I Can Do it With a Broken Heart.
"And I don't even want you back, I just want to know If rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"
there's something about The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived that makes me think about it's related to August. i feel like it was written from August' POV.
"'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"
self-explanatory, huh?
"Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons"
again she's haunted but i think The Black Dog is honestly about Joe.
"I'm the albatross I swept in at the rescue The devil that you know Looks now more like an angel"
again more religious imagery that i'm too tired to explain right now lmao but you know the drill
"You turned me into an idea of sorts"
she's talking about the public's perception of her
"Say it once again with feeling How the death rattle breathing Silenced as the soul was leaving The deflation of our dreaming Leaving me bereft and reeling My beloved ghost and me Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G"
?
"And so I changed your name and any real defining clues And one day Your kid comes home singing A song that only us two is gonna know is about you"
this is where the real deal comes in. in thanK you aIMee, it sounds like a direct reference to Kim Kardashian but she just throws this line here which makes you think... hmm. if she changed her name and any real defining clues how do we know it's about Kim? so maybe it isn't. i mean that's what she said anyways.
"I tried searching faces on streets What are the chances you'd be Downtown, downtown, downtown Does it feel alright to not know me? I'm addicted to the "if only"
feels like a reference to The One.
"I got cursed like Eve got bitten Oh, was it punishment?"
"Please I've been on my knees Change the prophecy Don't want money Just someone who wants my company Let it once be me"
"A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon"
"A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates"
another song where she feels doomed and cursed. honestly i think this is the saddest song from TTPD.
"You can mark my words that I said it first In a mourning warning no one heard
No one heard Not a single word was heard"
in Cassandra she once again sings about not being heard.
"Forgive me, Peter My lost fearless leader In closets like cedar Preserved from when we were just kids"
"You said you were gonna grow up Then you were gonna come find me"
in Peter she once again sings about the old flame, the 1, the childhood love. we're supposed to believe the muse in question is Matty. they were both 25 when they met so it's up to you to decide if this is the childhood love. idk.
"Started with a kiss "Oh, we must stop meeting like this" But it always ends up with a town car speeding Out the drive one evening Ended with the slam of a door Then he'll call her a whore"
illicit affairs alert
so, to sum it up -
chapter "hiding in plain sight"
i. dear reader, ii. thank you aimee, iii. fortnight, iv. i can do it with a broken heart
chapter "forbidden love"
i. love story, ii. ours, iii. treacherous, iv. illicit affairs, v. cowboy like me, vi. but daddy i love him, vii. guilty as sin
chapter "i loved you in secret"
i. king of my heart, ii. dress, iii. don't blame me, iv. paris, v. glitch
chapter "the 1"
i. the 1, ii. 'tis the damn season, iii. coney island, iv. suburban legends, v. loml, so many more i'm so tired at the moment lmao let me wrap it up
chapter "passed down like folk songs"
this is the childhood best friend chapter btw
i. seven, ii. dorothea, iii. mary's song, iv. it's nice to have a friend
chapter "suburban legends"
this is the high school love chapter which could also overlap with the 1 chapter
i. 'tis the damn season, ii. coney island, iii. loml
chapter "best friend" (which could also overlap the childhood best friend and high school love chapter, i know it's so complicated)
i. maroon, ii. you are in love, iii. dress, iv. mary's song, v. it's nice to have a friend
alright so i've probably left some songs out cause i'm on my period and my mind is so foggy, like i said i'm so tired so please let me know there's anything missing.
to sum it up in a shorter way,
muse i. the best friend (which can both be the childhood best friend or the high school lovers, the one from her hometown, also can be the 1)
muse ii. illicit affairs, the one that got married, it can also overlap the prior muse idk
muse iii. this one is clearly a woman in my opinion.
IN CONCLUSION
in conclusion, there seems to be at least one hidden muse throughout taylor's discography. i feel like there's at least three. by the way - i couldn't care less whom taylor writes about. i'm just interested in the story she has to tell. and lately it's been feeling like she has been begging for us to understand her. i think she uses a lot of red herrings to hide the true muses of her songs. when you carefully listen to her whole discography there are a few stories that instantly connect to each other that is out of the narrative taylor explicitly chose to tell us about. and this is not to say that she never had a relationship with Harry or Joe or whatever - it's just that I believe there is someone else (or others) that we don't yet know about. i think the one she's known from her hometown is the most obvious one.
anyways, i'm curious to hear about your thoughts in this.
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lucyvaleheart · 28 days
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sysig · 6 months
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TFW you kill god: Oops lol 🙈😳✌ ️(Patreon)
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moonrock · 1 year
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it feels like the end of the world ngl
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emdotcom · 8 months
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Hisuian Zoroark is one of the sickest designs in pokemon, but the model on that bloke is FUCKED. It's really bad. If they bother to port her over to other games, you know they ain't changing that model, either, 'cept to make the textures paler & duller.
I continue to despise pokemon, despite being a pokemon fan, I fucken guess. At this point, I gotta go all in on summat else, like Cassette beasts.
#gale chatter#i have MINOR problems with the beasts but they are nothing + I ain't abt to be negative abt it online#it's a good game made by good people my complaints are so tiny you NEED to play it#if you like me wish pokemon would do more fun interesting things or miss spritework in ur pokemon#u need to try cassette beasts. I'll admit i haven't beaten it but what I've seen in the story is INSANE#also i generally try not to talk smack about indie games it just ain't right. biggest ip on the planet‚ however‚#i can talk shit about pokemon all damn day.#the fucking way they keep using the same models the most minimal of animations & the pokemon keep getting pale as shit#to the point that pokemon like pichu are fucken impossible to tell from their shiny (slightly paler pichu)#the way that the designs are done in 2D & designed in it but then when it comes time to model they just. lose all charm#you get designs that were obviously not intended to have full 360 turnabouts (h. zoroark & emboar)#then you get deisgns that lose all their charm when modeled. in example -- look at the boltund model next to the art.#it's. bad. those are different animals. i feel NOTHING for the boltund model. it has no heart nor care in it just a means to an end#the gameplay never changes the sories have ALWAYS been lackluster they introduce cool ideas every other gen & ABANDON THEM#SO YOU HAVE A REASON TO BUY THE NEXT ONE BC IT HAS A NEW IDEA. MEGA EVOS WHAT'S THAT? DYNAMAX NOW.#the way they slice up the games to have exclusives SPECIFICALLY to piecemeal them back to you in 2 different games#so you either need to buy both (THAT IS 120 DOLLARS) or pay for online + have a friend. it has always been predatory.#it's. BAD.#& let's not pretend that 1/2 the lazy work is because the workers HAVE to be lazy. they pump these games out so fast that#nobody has time to write & revise & rewrite the stories which is fucking GLARING when you play sword or violet#in violet it is blatantly obvious they had the end planned first & then made up the rest as they went but had a hard time#connecting it back to the end so there's a noteable rush in the game & it sucks also if you call that game nonlinear i will attack you#IT ISN'T. IT IS DESIGNED SO THAT YOU NEED. TO GO IN A SPECIFIC ORDER. BECAUSE OF THE LEVELS#otherwise you'll hit a lvl 60 gym at lvl 40 then have to go back to fight the lvl 40 gym at lvl 70#the studio rushes their workers & it results in sloppy implimentation of halfbaked mechanics & poor deisgns & writing#i pray that if there is a god that nintendo actually does slow down on these shits i would like the games my little cousins play#to not be such fucken rushed & undercooked hot garbage. fuck you
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garlique · 5 months
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god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!
#i have a job interview tomorrow and there was ONE THING that i needed to do this weekend to prepare for it#and we were both going through withdrawals so badly that i DIDNT FUCKING DO IT#im literally just so angry at myself and at everything else in the world and i've been so fucking mean to the cats today and i hate myself#about it#i dont even WANT to go to the fucking interview tomorrow i just want to kill myself and cry and die and fucking give up on it all#this sucks so fucking badly oh my fucking god and i would bet you all like 500 fucking dollars#that ethan relapses on it today while he's at work and comes home fucking STINKING and making it worse for me#YET AGAIN#oh my god im so fucking angry im so fucking angry i just wanna scream and punch and throw and smash#AND I JUST HAVE TO KEEP IT ALL LOCKED UP INSIDE ME THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION NO FUCING OPTIONS NO CHOICES NOTHING#there will never be anything for me in this life and i dont know why i've been pretending otherwise#GOD it hasnt even been 72 hours yet can i please just be done#can i please find the first man who smoked tobacco and mass marketed it#AND FUCKING STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH????????????#im gonna kill and cry and die and hate my life my self my everything#ive just been crying so many fucking angry tears#like i'll be so angry and when it does come out it comes as tears and i personally???? hate that shit so much#makes me feel so fucking weak#fuck everybody fuck god fuck nice people fuck mean people fuck the normalizing of horrible drugs fuck addiction and fuck myself#just gotta keep telling myself i dont need it
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fictionadventurer · 2 years
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I am in the horrible state in which I want to write All The Stories so badly that I can write None Of The Stories.
This usually lasts 3-7 days and always stinks. Every single story idea shows up and presents itself as a vivid expansive piece that will be easy to write and should be written soon. It is a lie. My brain knows it is a lie and thus sits back and waits five minutes for me to get bored and move on to the next idea. Yet they all clamor around in the background taking up my attention span and making it impossible to focus on any one idea.
#adventures in writing#i could list the stories that have demanded brainspace but it would take too long#there are story ideas i abandoned years ago that are suddenly crawling out of the attic and demanding attention#a lot of political intrigue fairy tales#it is the time of year for violet ink and it arrived exactly on time#as if it has a yearly appt for me to brainstorm and then leaves before i can write a word#this year i've got a more grounded political intrigue angle that'd be cool if i knew any of the politics of the world#but there are so many worlds that all pretend to be more developed than they are to trick me into writing stories there#lost library came out of the woodwork and demanded some violet ink aesthetic and some fairy tales set there#this is all made worse by the fact that i just found out about roseanna m white's new imprint for publishing royal fiction#you know my very favorite cozy genre where most of my ideas live#and i have no intention of writing anything for it but it doesn't stop me from musing over my oldest and cheesiest ideas#a beautiful tomorrow would have been perfect for that imprint#and my brain keeps trying to tell me that i should write that crazy alternate history hallmark royal romance#about the princess of california (very catholic very spanish) entering into an arranged marriage with the prince of maine#it is so silly but i would take it so seriously#because fluffy royal romance deserves some more off-beat worldbuilding#but anyway yeah it's very weird in my imagination right now stop by sometime and i'll tell you about more weird story ideas
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mcmissileproof · 8 months
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why is showing somebody my drawings just sharing a thing I made but showing somebody my writing is like having fucking blood drawn
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metalheadcowboy · 2 years
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Me when I have to wake up and go to my silly little work place for the 7th day in a row to work my silly little job to earn silly little money to live my silly little life:
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#I'm about to vent to hell and back in these tags so warning for that#tw for relapse and self harm 😍😍😍#I feel so rained and void these days it's not even funny anymore#I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle and I'm never going to get out#wake up go to work get home go to sleep repeat#The only think that brings be joy anymore is writing and I guess that's why I've been posting nonstop#to try and keep myself interested but even my love of that is starting to fade and it's scaring me#because I don't want to feel that way again feel like there's nothing left in life for me#When I went to college things were starting to get better and I was happy again but now that I'm in the lull between college and vet school#that I'm not even sure I want to attend anymore I just feel empty again#And this morning was so bad so fucking back I woke up and just stared at my wall for at least an hour#and when I finally did get up fuck it was bad I feel so gross#my arm looks gross I did things I haven't done since fucking high school and I'm so embarrassed with myself#And I know people are going to say things and I'm just going to lash out a get mad like I used to and I don't want that#I don't want to be like I used to be but I feel like it's too fucking late#I'm just regressing and throwing away all of my progress and for what?#a stupid fucking exhausting job and school to pursue a career I don't even want anymore but it's too late to back out now?#I just want to go back to sleep and just escape pretend like this morning was just a dream and I'll wake up completely fine#but no I have to go out and work for capitalist America land of the fucking free and home of the mentally and economically depressed#Tyler Talks#My heart just aches to feel okay again
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wickedhawtwexler · 1 year
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i think i just need to accept that i'm never going to have irl friends ever again for the rest of my life lmao
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mundanemiseries · 11 months
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@lunarshined :
“(ෆ ͒•∘̬• ͒)◞” EVERY SINGLE JOEL. EVERY ALT. EVERY THOUGHT AND FEELING THEY EVOKE OUT OF ME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I LOVE YOUR THOUGHTS SO MUCH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BYE
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[ Send me “(ෆ ͒•∘̬• ͒)◞” + one good thing about my portrayal! ]
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OKAY BUT RIGHT BACK AT U I LOVE ALL UR BABIES AND GETTING TO TOSS AROUND THOUGHTS AND IDEAS ABOUT BOTH OF OUR BABIES AND AAA
IM GLAD I'VE MET U AND ILY SM HOMIEEEEEE T~T
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doedipus · 2 years
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I wonder if I'll ever get my lungs back
#with my luck probably not#for the last two weeks I've been on a cycle of like#can't breathe right so I use the inhaler -> wait an hour and start to feel jittery -> cough a shitload ->#breathe okay for an hour or two with intermittent coughing -> lungs start fucking up again ->#try to deal with it as long as possible before using the inhaler again#it's interminable and I hate it#I hope I won't need to use this thing to breathe 4-6 times daily for the rest of my life because it's really unpleasant#and it's really scary to just be sitting down doing nothing in particular and suddenly be unable to catch my breath#it's been super hot out so I haven't really been trying to go out or do anything#but I'm not going to pretend that I'm not worried that I'll go for a walk and get stranded cuz I flew too close to the sun#and I've also read that supposedly there's better recovery rates for long covid if you take it easy early on#it's so scary#I'm so scared#and I feel so alone in all this#I don't want to die but it's hard living like this#and it's crushing that I've been living like an ascetic since march 2020 to keep my parents safe#and the one time I do something for my fucking self this happens#it's like the universe wants me to feel as hopeless and useless as possible#I got excited and signed up for another in person event in october#but I'm petrified this will just happen again#or like by the time it happens I might not be able to walk around and do shit#or I'll be fine but I'll bring it home#I don't want to die but this isn't living either#I just want to have some kind of a life I can be content with but it's always further and further away
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