#i've had mixed luck with therapists in the past and i get so stressed out over finding new ones as a result

[astriiformes]

My therapist is making changes to their practice that mean I may or may not be able to keep seeing them, and while the possibility of me being able to continue still (slimly) exists, if I have to go and try to find a new one in the next month or so I may just have to go back to being emotionally face-first in the mud.

#my current one is such a good fit for me and not only do i not want to be punted back into therapy searching i want to keep seeing. them #i've had mixed luck with therapists in the past and i get so stressed out over finding new ones as a result #like it's not fun for anyone but i have actual [jazz hands] trauma about it #eurgh

[scretladyspider]

Sweet! I've been having a badly worsening memory lately. It's never been very good, and I've always had trouble remembering much of my childhood, but it's been getting a lot worse lately. I seem to have trouble accessing my own brain. I reach in vain for emotions, thoughts, and memories, but they remain just out of my grasp. I've been told this could be a reaction to trauma that I don't remember, and it could also be depression, and that I show other signs of both. I'm very confused. Thoughts?

(Tumblr glitched, so I really hope the first ask went through.) I also seem to relate a lot to your posts about derealization, considering I’m constantly questioning whether reality is actually real. It doesn’t often feel like it. It feels like some mix between a movie and a dream.

The first ask did, you’re good! But yeah this website is broken in so many ways. And don’t even get me started on the app.. 

You are right that this can be a reaction to trauma or depression - or both, actually. Depression is one of many conditions that can mess with your memory. One of the feature characteristics of being a trauma survivor is that you don’t usually remember an aspect of your trauma, or for some people the entire event can be difficult to recall. There isn’t consensus on whether or not a brain actually represses traumatic memories, though, as people can and have been found to be able to be led to recalling false memories through different experiments. 

I think the thing to ask yourself is if these feelings continue even when you’re not depressed. It’s actually really common to experience depersonalization or derealization in times of stress, right next to experiencing depression symptoms and anxiety, so it’s weird that no one really talks about it. When it becomes persist, though, well, then you have a problem with that specifically. Because ADHD inattentive type can cause a sort of daydreamer feeling, my therapist and I decided to see how I did on medication for ADHD before making a determination about the depersonalization disorder. I think my point is here, a lot of things can overlap. 

I think the best thing you can do is try to reach out to a therapist or psychiatrist (hopefully both) about your concerns. A lot of conditions can cause disassociation at some level, either from trauma or just from times of stress, so it can be difficult to sort out (it was for me for a very long time). I would go in and say, “I think I’m experiencing this, and I’m worried about it. What can we do?” Write down your symptoms to bring in with you, and be honest about your experiences, both in the past and in the now. 

And, if it does turn out you do have depersonalization disorder, know that you are not alone. Again, many people experience symptoms in times of extreme stress or depression, and it’s starting to be more widely talked about (though still isn’t discussed nearly enough). If it’s something else related to trauma, or whatever it is, remember that you aren’t alone in finding a way to escape its effects on you. Talk therapy is very useful for trauma, and there are many ways to pursue wellness. 

And - honestly just taking photos and videos of things, and writing stuff down, can be really helpful too.

I hope this helps. Best of luck to you! 

#answers #trauma #depersonalization #recovery #depression #memory problems