#i've improved a lot in the past few months these look weird to me now

[dorkfruit]

i put this together using my computer's trackpad so the new year is already starting out . bad .

posts: J | F | M | A | M | J | J | A | S | O | N | D

template

reflections on the year, my plans for the future, some studies i did, and wips for the next year all down below for those who are interested

tldr; we will be ianthing next year so watch out!!

oh dear lord it's been another year. 2024! can you believe it! i don't talk much on this blog because i have a tendency to talk too much, but it's my little new year's treat, so here we go.

RECAP

i started taking drawing "seriously" in December of 2020, starting to do studies and stuff, and each year since i've ramped it up more and more. this year, i did. a lot of studies. there's probably like at least 200 more in my folder now (not including the 300 days worth of gesture drawings i did), with things like painting, faces, feet, poses, etc. anything i was struggling with, i went right into studying it. my art has been mediocre for a pretty long time now, and it's only the past few months where i feel i'm starting to get the hang of it, which is exciting!

more importantly, i started posting a lot more on this blog. i really like documenting my progress, looking on where i was before and seeing how i've improved. everytime i draw some fanart, im like, oooghh i can't wait to show my (: followers (: !! lots of locked tomb art of course. i've been trying to nail the energy of the different characters, which is why i enjoy books so much, because you get a lot of creative control. drawing ianthe is my fav of course, cause she's my lil nasty, but also i enjoyed doing designs for characters i hadnt thought about before, like judith.

in addition to the locked tomb, we had some new fandoms that got brief moments in between iantheposting: Fear and Hunger, Postal, Faith The Unholy Trinity, and a couple of old ones too, like We Have Always Lived In The Castle and The Merciless.

i posted about 115 times this year, although most of those are shitposts LOL i love posting stuff on my blog and showing people my stuff <3

THE FUTURE

my plans? do more ianthe art, of course. ill be working on more studies, probably going to work on developing a style, and figuring out how to paint. i'd like to do more actually finished pieces, but let's be honest, it'll still be mostly shitpost doodles. i'd like to do more weird stuff. i've been messing around with some gore and NSFW near the end of the year, and it's fun to draw for me. i like idk art that evokes some type of emotion, especially discomfort, and so i find that type of art fun to do, so if you don't enjoy what i've done thus far in that direction, perhaps this isn't the blog for you. i really like horror media, and so i want to do some stuff like that too.

for specifics, i like western type art, a comic book-esque style i'd like to aim for. but i'd like it to be a little more. weird with it. i find comic books often draw all the characters the same, and make all the characters traditionally attractive, and that's boring to me so i'll have to work on finding a way to keep things weird, while also appealing in a graphic sense. the worst thing my art could be is bland and forgettable.

locked tomb wise... more tridentarii art. need to be really weird with it. i have lots of wips planned, like i have a whole page worth of just thumbnails, so i wanna get some of those done. also i had a few animatics i wanted to do. mostly stupid shit, once i learn how to do animatics, then we'll do actual serious ones. id also like to do more comics. i have some comics storyboarded out with my girlies, i like telling a story so, need practice on that. id also like to develop a way to consistently draw them, for convenience sakes, so i'm not fighting for my life every single time i draw these characters. oh and i wanna do some outfit stuff. i draw them in like. generic clothes everytime but i'd like to come up with a few actual outfit designs, that i can just reference back to. and, of course, more shitposts. lots of stupid shit in 2024 for sure. there was something else i wanted to say here but i can't remember.

ART

oki enough rambling, here's some IMAGES for yall to look at i know everyone loves to look at images.

began this year by warming up with gesture sketches (almost) every day. i started with 20 poses (30 seconds each), and then in november i was like. ugh my hands suck i need to get better at hands, so i switched to doing 10 hand sketches (60 seconds each). i want my art to be very energetic so it's important that i do these !!

anatomy studies of extremities because i'm flopping at those -_- ive gotten better with hands but they're still a struggle. i hate feet tho still

need to get my painting game up. i joined an art forum to get advice, and the biggest suggestion i got was working on my values, so i did various value studies. also lots of faces because my faces flop !!

random doodles to work on drawing from imagination. on my "sketchbook" pages, as i like to call them, i'm usually pretty loose and messy, since the point is just to be drawing so often these will suck, but that's fine. i don't think very much when i draw faces on here either so they end up being in my Instinctive Style i suppose you could say

ianthe wip. i was planning to do a few drawings based on the idea of her having Missing Arm nightmares, but the lineart was intimidating to me so i haven't worked on this one more yet /: also there was going to be a toontown gay homosexual toxic yuri comic that i was gonna put here with it but the page is way too long so umm guess that'll have to wait.

...

anyways. thank you for reading if you got to the bottom of this! i appreciate all the support that i've been getting lately (extra big kissies for the same like 5 people who always reblog my posts youre the best). and we will be ianthing soo hard in 2024 so watch out!!

#and god bless. there is not a single background in any of these images. sketch on a white bg foreverz!! #my art #art meme #ianthe tridentarius #really got to tag her here bc . all this art is of her LOL

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy! I just found your blog and really wanted to talk to you if you've got time but I got nervous so here's an anon. So I'm in my very early twenties and in the last few years have been really interested and taken by the idea of d/s dynamics. I don't have a boyfriend and am not really comfortable signing up to any sites so that's not really the issue. But as I'm going on dates and stuff I do find myself looking for that character that would resemble a dominant guy. I didn't realize it but I am attracted to that energy. What I'm concerned about though is the reason...for that attraction. So I'm in drama school but we can't really afford it so I have 2 part time jobs rn. One is this modeling agency that sometimes gets me by. It doest do much in my country but once a month a few hundred if im lucky, do come in handy. The issue is that the people I'm around and the environment is very toxic. Not just in a photoshoot but mainly. I've had to shut my mouth and smile and "submit" to guys just to remain part of the project. I don't feel comfortable doing more provocative stuff so that's been an issue and my manager keeps pressuring me about it at every opportunity. The relationship w him is weird he's a nice guy in general but sometimes he's too pushy. I also had a bf in the past (the only one) we were together briefly but he ordered me around a lot, and we never talked ab any of this but he was very strict with what I wore ect. What I'm trying to say is, I've had very traumatic experiences w all these people and am really worried whether the dynamic between us pushed me to want it? Like if my desires are somehow influenced by my trauma? Have you had similar concerns? How did you realize this is what you wanted and that it is not a response to something? I hope you're comfortable answering, but if not thank you for what you're doing your page has been really informative and I've learnt a lot xxxxx

Hi there!

I would be happy for you to message me if you decide you feel comfortable at any point, but anons are okay too! It's a big part of why I leave them on, for people who feel comfortable sending asks but not asking questions or whatever on DM. :)

This worry you're sharing about wondering if your desire to be a sub or be submissive comes from your trauma is something that I think a ton of subs have considered or worried about at some point. You'll definitely get a different answer to these questions if you ask other people. In my view, this is one of those areas where the 'right' answer can vary from person to person. So, this is just my take of course.

I am trying to avoid writing an extremely long post, so if you want or need me to elaborate feel free to follow up. But in a nutshell...I think most people have "little t trauma" from childhood that caused them to adapt to try to find connection and feel safe (physically or emotionally) and loved from a SUPER young age, to the point where it's challenging to know what it even would mean for a lot of us to say X is me, but Y is my trauma. Like 50% of the population has an insecure attachment style, and that primarily develops in the first year of our lives. So then we're still babies but we're already trying to change our own behavior to feel connected to our mother or our primary care giver. When that's the case...I think it's really, really tough to know who or what you would have been without the trauma as it's baked into your personality and coping methods SO early that we can't remember anything else. And so...I guess my goal has been to try to do a combination of accepting myself while also looking as honestly as I can at who/how I am now and look to change anything that I want to change or think needs improved. And with that in mind...I couldn't begin to tell you if I'd be a sub sexually or personality wise if I didn't have trauma. I just think that's an impossible question to try to figure out. Instead, I try to look at whether what I crave is healthy. If what I want to do is healthy for me, then it's okay if it IS based in trauma. I mean, plenty of things can be caused by trauma but still be really good things. For example, I feel pretty confident that the reason I seek healthy, safe feeling communication with my partner is because I grew up with lots of yelling and conflict and meanness. But I think that desire to have healthy, loving, safe communication is a good thing so I don't feel the need to reject that desire I have, as it's good, regardless of the cause being 'negative' or sad. I've come to the conclusion that D/s and BDSM can be healthy things for me. That isn't to say that I think I could do anything I wanted and call it D/s or BDSM and have it be healthy. But I think that a lot of what I desire sexually and within my relationship is healthy, and I embrace those things. And when I find myself craving something that is less healthy, I try to avoid embracing those ideas, or avoid acting out those fantasies, or resist those behaviors. For me, one thing I have to fight against is the instinct to be extremely passive. Passive feels safe to me because of my trauma, and I can sometimes incorrectly convince myself that I am being a good sub by being passive. That isn't always true, so I have to really keep an eye on any passivity and make sure that I am truly submitting from a place of desire and choice, and not from a place of it 'feeling good' because my brain is telling me that inactivity to appease others is safe and familiar. We try to regularly re-look at the things we do and ask ourselves again if all the details of how we're managing our D/s and BDSM are healthy for both of us. We try to ask if we're reinforcing healthy ideas or unhealthy ideas. Sometimes it changes over time and we have to adjust.

With you being new and young, I'd also suggest that you try to be extremely careful with what you learn about D/s and BDSM, and triple check that it's healthy. Some people will claim that literally anything done in the name of kink is healthy as long as it's consensual. I think that is a really wild viewpoint, personally. I think consent is really the absolute bare minimum, but a lot of people will consent to things that are harmful to them emotionally, and I think that is unhealthy. Of course, what is unhealthy is extremely opinion based, and I think it also can vary a lot from person to person...something could be unhealthy for me to consent to but perfectly healthy for you to consent to if we have different life experiences, different traumas, etc. At a really basic level I'd suggest looking really closely at whether D/s and BDSM make you feel good in terms of things like...confident, loved, empowered, authentic, loved, safe, secure, etc - or if it feels outright bad, or 'good' but only in the sense that feeling bad feels somewhat good to you (this is true for some with trauma), or if it makes you feel small, inferior, used, scared, insecure, etc. And then also if/when you get into a D/s relationship look at whether the things you try seem to be inspiring positive changes and growth, or negative patterns. Maybe at first you happily agree to let your dom decide whether or when to cut your hair, but over time you realize that you feel less 'yourself' when you can't control your own hairstyle fully. If that becomes the case, then in my opinion, it would be healthier to go back to deciding your own hair.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it's helpful in some way. Good luck to you, please continue to look out for yourself! It can be a scary world out there for young subs. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to look out for yourself though...even in wanting to figure out what your answer to the questions you sent in this ask are. So, good work. :)

#asks #d/s

[ashleysmessyjourney]

One Year Anniversary

I cannot believe it, and yet, here it is: I've spent one full year messing my diapers and I still have two full years to go before this challenge expires. I haven't touched a single potty other than my own for cleaning purposes for my guests and I have not once ever used a public bathroom other than to change myself.

Since I'm at my one year anniversary with two more years ahead of me, I would like to say I'm a third of the way there but I have a feeling that even if I neared the end of this challenge, more and more time would just get added on. That's just how it's always worked throughout this last year, and thanks to a select few of you, I have a feeling I'll never be stopping this fun challenge of mine.

In the beginning, I thought this challenge would be a month long tops, but little by little, more and more time was put on. Once I hit the six week mark, I saw that I had nearly two whole months to go. I was afraid. I was nervous. And you know what? That's okay. It's okay to feel these feelings; we're only human. None of us can be perfect. I remained strong because while I hadn't enjoyed messing myself in the past, I had made a commitment to this challenge and to all of you to not only mess my diapers regularly and exclusively, I also made a promise to document my journey. I'm documenting all of this not only because I find it rather kinky but also to share my knowledge and experiences in the hopes that it can help someone going through the same things I am. It's also a great way to explore my feelings, too!

Believe it or not, after a year, I find the act of messing enjoyable. It's something I look forward to in the mornings because it keeps me from spending a lot more time on the potty on my phone. All I have to do is squat down, make pushies in my bedwetting diaper, then wipe myself clean with some wipes. Sounds easy, right? That's because it is. Once you get into a new routine and stick to it for many weeks, that new routine becomes normal and your body gets used to pooping on a regular schedule.

It's hard to really pin down why messing has become fun for me and I know it sounds weird to say that messing is fun. However, one of the reasons why I enjoy it so much is because it introduced kink back into my diapers, something that I've been missing for a while. Wearing diapers for fun every now and then won't minimize your kink and attraction to diapers, but if you wear them long enough or if you need them, they start to lose that kinky attraction. I've been wearing them for need for many years now, so I was grateful and happy to find something that made diapers kinky and naughty again.

I found it hard to switch diets and start eating better food in the beginning, but you know what? I have a lot more energy, I sleep better, and I'm not wasting money buying food that's nothing but fat and empty calories. I started out small, introducing more fruit and vegetables into my diet in place of chips or another unhealthy snack. The more healthy food I ate, the easier it became to stay on the straight and narrow path of good food. I've done my best to only eat whole foods. If it came in a bag ready to eat, I wouldn't buy it. I learned how to cook a lot of amazing meals, mostly Mexican-inspired dishes. A lot of my recipes are easy to make, healthy, and it's a great way to bond with your friends, too! Who can say no to some awesome home-cooked Mexican food? My favorite is steak fajitas!

In order to keep my messes easy to clean, I have to drink more water than I usually would. This helps keep my poop more uniform and easy to clean. I've also been including a lot more fiber into my diet to make it easier to poop. Junk food and overeating always leads to mushy messes, messes that are extremely difficult to clean. I've learned a lot from doing this challenge and I'm still learning. I've adapted to a tough situation and I've come out stronger for it.

I became a better person because of this challenge and I'm still improving myself every day. I learned what foods I could and couldn't eat. Remember how I talked about getting stomach aches in public and barely making it back to my car before I had to make a mess in my diaper? (Those weren't fun drives home!) I've found that I've grown sensitive to certain foods, foods that I no longer eat. While I do miss those foods sometimes, I do not miss the sudden onset of needing to poop immediately.

Can you imagine how uncomfortable I felt when I knew my body was going to poop in minutes, especially since I can't stand using public restrooms? If I didn't find a bathroom within a few minutes, I would have to use my diaper against my will. Feeling that anxiety and stress sure didn't help me, either. However, since the whole point of this challenge is to use my diapers exclusively, there was never a point in trying to hold it to get home when it'll just end up in the seat of my diaper. It was only a matter of time until I could get somewhere safe and away from other people to let my body take care of its needs and for my diaper to take care of me. I always carry the necessary supplies with me in case of accidents like these in a bag that's always in the trunk of my car.

It's a strange feeling giving up control over something so intimate. To give in to the waiting embrace of your diaper for such a private act is surely a display of submission to my diapers. What can I say other than I love it?

It was hard to get over the idea that it was okay to use a fresh diaper to mess if you had to. Diapers are a few dollars at most, so if you can't help but feel that you have to make pushies in your fresh diaper, then that's what has to happen. I used to feel regret when I did this, but now it has become a calm acceptance of something that must happen. I always asked myself if I wanted to try to hold it and deal with the discomfort until I reach the point where I felt like my diaper was wet enough to make it okay to mess or was the cost of one diaper worth my immediate relief from the pressure building up inside?

Of course, when put in simple terms like that, the answer was always use your diaper. I wear them to keep me cozy, comfortable, and above all, safe. That's what they're made for. They're literally made to hold all kinds of body waste, regardless of what it is. They're designed to provide relief for when you just can't hold it anymore. I learned to give in and accept the inevitable mess, and looking at how much time I have left, I wonder how my level of control will be once a couple of years have passed. Currently, I'd say I'm at a 6.5 out of 10 for my level of control, though it varies based on what I eat, how much I eat, and other day to day variables.

About a week and a half ago, I had woken up feeling amazing. Don't know why. As I was stretching, I felt like I had to fart but when I pushed to help things along, I felt something else slide out between my butt cheeks. It was small, but I still had an actual accident while I was still in bed, barely awake. I gave in and pushed as hard as I could, thinking that since I'd just messed myself a little bit, I might as well finish it rather than waiting to get out of bed to finish the job.

It felt great to mess my diaper in bed. I didn't have to leave my bed's warm embrace and I was able to relieve the pressure in my tummy without a second thought. Making pushies into my diaper has become second nature at this point, but not in my bed. I was surprised at how easy it was to mess myself; maybe it was because I wasn't really paying attention to my body's signals because I was still kinda sorta half asleep? Could it have been a result of that night time messing hypnosis that I've been using? Maybe!

Will I be able to achieve my kinky dreams of waking up messy? Perhaps. I saw an interesting post the other day about someone taking Miralax and NyQuil in the hopes of waking up messy for their caretaker and they did, making me wonder if I can achieve the same thing. With all the time I've spent playing with my butt plugs and thicker toys combined with a full year of me messing my diapers as soon as I felt the need, surely I would find it easier than most to accomplish what that couple did. I feel a little apprehension though, mainly because I'm not familiar with how either drug affects my body.

I haven't been sick in years (knock on wood!) so taking a drug to help me sleep while also taking a drug that'll make me poop is something that makes me feel a little uneasy. I think I'd have to first experiment with each separately so I can get a sense of how they'll affect me before I'd combine the two and really give waking up messy a real shot. I've been using the night time messing hypnosis from Baby Pants on and off as my mood and desires swing in regards to waking up messy, but with this new idea in hand, I might just actually achieve my goals and make a lot of you happy and proud of me.

I cannot have done all of this and gone so far without your support, so I wanted to extend my deepest gratitude and thanks for your gifts and for your motivational comments. I truly love reading what you think of my journey and your words of support have been a significant factor in keeping me motivated. Even liking and reblogging my posts have been very helpful, too!

As I'm sure you know by now, this journey of mine is not without its costs. I've had to use many more diapers because of this challenge and it's hard to shoulder the costs, especially when you're diaper dependent as I am. Any kind of support would be immensely appreciated and I would be sincerely grateful. As the pinned post says, anything and everything adds time onto the timer. Once I receive stuff, that item's time gets added onto the timer on my Tumblr's pinned post and on my Twitter bio.

Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/10MYHI152VZRT/

I also sell the biggest diaper training guide ever! It's over 34k words long and is 57 pages. It is the most up to date training guide around, complete with topics like bedwetting, messing, dating, how to adjust to living your best life back in diapers, and everything in between in order to help you become the person you know you really want to be.

Patreon helps fund this journey of mine, so a little support truly does go a long way. https://www.patreon.com/DiaperTraining

Lastly, I want to thank you, the reader, for taking the time to read this. I know it's long but I wanted to make sure that I did a great job on my one year anniversary. Hope you loved it!

[greenjokwe-blog]

Monthly Greej Media (February 2024) - Month of Scrambling

Sometimes I forget that February is the shortest month. Even when it's a leap year (which I only just barely noticed happened this year), a single day can be the difference for me on whether or not I write about something here or not. Especially this month, where I decided that I would take up several long media properties... while also not having the dedication to go through them at a constant rate to actually get close to finishing them. It's been a weird month.

Because of this, there isn't going to really be much in terms of video games for me to talk about. There's a few films I want to cover (and some I'm probably gonna save for a later point... again... maybe), but truth be told there isn't actually that much interesting in terms of new games for me, unless I wanna parrot what I wanna say last month (played a lot less of those two games though, even). I was going to have two shorter games beaten by the end of the month, but I was only able to beat one of them in times for this. There's a good chance that if I don't decide to talk about the other game next month though, I'll just make a short post about it at some point.

The one game I JUST managed to finish, is Earthworm Jim: Special Edition for the Sega CD.

I've been pretty public about my enjoyment of the Earthworm Jim series for a while, but I think I'm not as vocal about how my enjoyment basically EXCLUSIVELY comes from Earthworm Jim 2. Specifically the Genesis version, which was the one available on the Wii Shop Channel, but any of the non-GBA ports are good. Learning about the Special Edition was wild to me, which I had previously had no idea existed, as my general EJ1 experience mainly came from attempts to play the original Genesis version and falling off after a couple of levels... and replaying the old demo on the apple store on my old iPod Touch back in the day (which I'm 90% sure that version is lost media now?). Anyway, hearing about the "superior" Sega CD version of the game made me curious, and as someone who has never really beaten a game for the Genesis addon before (the closest example is Sonic CD, and that was the updated Whitehead rerelease), I thought it'd be a fun idea to boot this version up. I'm glad I did, cuz this definitely heightened my opinion of the game.

There's a lot of reasons why the Special Edition is the superior version of the game, from beautiful animations and visuals (which, when testing around with CRT Filters via Reshade like I have for the past month, are EXTREMELY visually impressive and basically look HD), an improved soundtrack, and just generally more content and levels. What I think absolutely sells it though, is that the overall game experience is just BETTER here, compared to the other version. Obviously nicer visuals and sound will do numbers in terms of making the game feel better to play, but I'm mainly talking about the game's flow and pacing itself.

Level order has been changed, new levels add a more interesting difficulty curve than the previous versions, and there are new secrets to find, including all-new secret paths that are not only loaded with rewards for the betterment of play but are just generally better than what was in the original game, it's a vastly better experience. Don't get me wrong, there's definitely some stuff here that's kinda stinks up the experience (that last level especially can blow me), but compared to how I previously viewed this game? It's much better now. I still wouldn't consider the first Earthworm Jim better than the second one even with this version, like a large portion of people (mainly... what I'd describe as "oldheads" but I mean this is Earthworm Jim we're talking about) seem to believe, but I at least get the logic when people believe that. Also like, Earthworm Jim 2 is one of the most creative platformers of all time so it's like, kinda hard to beat that. What went from a difficult recommendation from me went to something absolutely worth checking out.

But uhhh... Yeah that's it for video games. Like I said earlier, there's a little bit more to talk about for films this month, so I guess I'll start with... uhh... So uh... Oscar season is happening, right? I wouldn't really be able to tell for myself but from what I've heard 2023 has been a good year for movies, so I decided to make it fun for myself and make sure this year I've seen at least half of the best picture nominees before the show starts (not really that hard, but I've never done it before). It succeeded, although I'm still debating as to whether or not I should watch some of the others as well to make it fun for myself (namely Killers of the Flower Moon and Anatomy of a Fall). I thought it was a good time, while the film was just barely still in theatres over here, to watch one of them on a brand fancy new screen at a local theatre. That film, of course... was Poor Things.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

This ones gonna be... difficult to talk about for me, for a large, LARGE variety of reasons. One of which I might cover in a future blog post, but let it be known that I did NOT expect the kind of movie this was when going in. I knew about the sex symbolism, for sure, but to the level that it was...

OK, I just wanna say that I do appreciate what the films going for. It's weird. Weirdest film I've seen in theatres, and by far the most adult. And a lot of the subjects in this film are not being discussed at all! It dares to actually talk about shit like how women get taken advantage of by men and patriarchy, the conditions of sex work, and the failure of society to not protect women who aren't seen as perfect or exhibit traumatic responses in the real world! However, the actual result of these subjects being discussed... eh...

I will say that it does get the some of the points across well by the end, the second half manages to do a good job of making sure it's messages are sent. Although at this point... the film feels like it kinda needs to come to a halt to do so? A little? Also there are some implications here and there... weird one to chew, not sure how well some of these are gonna be seen generally, sometimes feels contradictory sometimes it lands perfectly into its message about women's choices. But overall, I still think I'm glad I saw this film, even if it made me feel like that one scene in Taxi Driver (even though I saw it alone). Weird and interesting, glad to support this kind of cinema, even if I don't know whether or not it'll grow on me as time goes on or I'll just start to resent it more. We'll see I suppose.

The last film I saw before the Oscar's was one I decided to watch at home, and that was The Zone of Interest.

Holyyyyy. What a film. I'm gonna be very short about this one because I feel like this is a film you need to experience for yourself but put simply: A film with pure vision. Pretentious arthouse indie cinema used as malice. Abhorrently aesthetic-focused to its favour. Exists only within frame but ALWAYS vividly presented outside. A film with a very clear, ageless message that defies all conventions to proceed, but still feels especially required and relevant in the current climate. A one-note experience, but that note is an unforgettable drone that lasts long after viewing. Perfect cinema. It's also the weaker of the two Jonathan Glazer films that I've seen. How the fuck does this man do it.

But yeah... Jesus. That shit bummed me out. A great experience, but a drowning one. Anyone want a pick me u- oh god damnit.

Saw this at the beginning of the month, so my review is gonna be a bit hazy, but I do think it says a lot about me that this was the film that I enjoyed the most out of everything I have seen so far this year. This year being y'know. The past two months. Not in terms of releases this came out in 2016. Whatever.

God this film is sad. It's so fucking sad. Manchester by the Sea is a film that should not be watched unless you are either currently depressed or ready to be depressed. However, that being said, it also manages to be such an realistic portrayal of suffering and grief that I absolutely fell in love with it. The film not only looks beautiful but feels it as well. I've heard complaints ranging from that it glorifies trauma or that it represents it's symptoms as "personal failings", but I think it rounds around to me to represent something truly human and honest with itself. There are the occasional times in a couple of scenes where it takes the safe route of modern storytelling for my liking, and there's definitely other issues (mainly the sound design, if you know you know), but there are few films that feel as groundedly sad and wonderful as this one does. Even if it's extremely sad and bittersweet, there's something reflective I got from this film that almost made me feel... Weirdly satisfied? Very strange thing to say, I'm aware, especially if you've seen the film and know what I'm talking about. Maybe I just like movies set in Boston Massachusetts. But god damn... what a film. Highly recommend if you can handle fucked up dark trauma films.

Anyway, last up, music!!! Still not a lot to say here, so I think I'm just gonna post the chart and dip I think. A couple of these were new listens for me (aside from Friko being a brand new release, the Allman Brothers Band and David Kauffman albums were my first time hearing them). A vast majority of them I went back to a few songs often but only just went back to the album now. Some of these I just haven't heard since ages ago. So yeah, that's it. Cya either next month on in an extra post I make in a week or so, we'll see what happens first.

[rookflower]

ok, so. i drew every warrior cat! here's a long rambling sentimental reflective-type post on the blog i guess.

I started this blog when I was 15, in 2018. I was bored at a summer job, scribbled Onestar on the back of a sticker sheet, and thought "huh, there sure is a lot of Warrior Cats characters! I've seen some design blogs around, I think there's a "draw 100 cats challenge" people do, wouldn't it be fun if I gave that a try?" I had nothing going on art-wise at the moment, I was losing steam on my Pokemon webcomic and had given up askblogs a while ago, so I quickly fell into it.

Starting out was weird- I'd only read up to about Power of Three at the time, and hadn't read TPB or TNP in quite a while. I vivdly remember someone sending me a request to draw Tawnypelt about 20 cats in or so, and I genuinely couldn't remember who she even was. I think I got a request to draw Jagged Peak before I even knew DOTC existed? I wasn't working off of a specific list, and would miss certain cats out entirely due to forgetting them which frustrated me. Drawing cats was fun, and once I got to 100 eventually I found myself going "well, now what? I haven't even drawn Sorreltail, Nightstar, Appledusk, Spiderleg..." so, i kept going!

Then 2020 rolled around and lockdown hit, and I was suddenly stuck in my house with no plans, seemingly unlimited time, and a desperate need for some kind of outlet that offered escapism from the world.

Drawing Warrior Cats was something mundane and rhythmic but creative and enjoyable, and I found the aspect of looking at it as a challenge alluring, the same way I had when the goal was "100 random warrior cats". How far could I get before having to stop? I couldn't do over 1000 cats, right?

uh.

I could!

sunk cost fallacy or whatever, I guess?

Lot has changed in my life over the course of this. I started the challenge just after leaving high school, and now I'm headed into my third year of uni. Some family's moved around, we have a cat now, I started playing video games again, my bedroom's been revamped, I met some internet friends IRL for the first time, I'm more or less publicly out as gay, all different kinds of stuff. It's fucking wild to consider that one of the biggest constants in my life these past few years has been drawing goddamn warrior cats. I've had the Warriors wiki list of characters open on my computer basically forever, and finally closing it feels like a goodbye.

So what's happening with this blog? Well, I'm not upkeeping a daily queue anymore, that's for sure. There are some cats here I KNOW I'm going to want to go back and redesign at some point though, so this isn't over! Even if I'm less active here, for now, I'm not going anywhere. I'll probably also use this for any general warriors art/posts I want to make, as well as those "send me asks" request meme thingies. those are fun.

I'm hoping to be maybe more active on my youtube now, as well as just generally experimenting with my art more. One of the biggest downsides of spending 3 years drawing fullbody flatcolours of warrior cats and not that much else is that my improvement on every ground except cat anatomy and character design has become pretty fuckin stagnant lmao. I need to make art with backgrounds and shading and non-cat characters again or i think ill explode. time to get out of this comfort zone!!

speaking of, very lucky this thing ended right at the start of Artfight. I'm @/RioBlitzle there and I try to revenge back attacks! Will probably put my energy into that for a wee while.

@daily-mario-characters might come back,, eventually but I'm not promising anything, and if I haven't learned anything from running this blog you might see me on a "drawing every pokemon" streak in a few months. it is how it is.

Anyways, thank you all so much for your support. Massive shoutout to everyone who's ever left nice comments in the tags of my posts, I don't really have a way to respond but I read every one of those and please know that they absolutely make my day.

Thanks for sticking through this challenge with me!

[bro3256]

The Console Paradox

If you've been following me on social media for the past several months, you've probably noticed quite a bit of complaining on my end regarding the mix up between the Famicom and NES. At first I had a minor annoyance with it, such as when YouTubers mention that the NES released in 1983 when in reality that's the year the Family Computer or Famicom came out, the NES wouldn't release until a test launch in New York in 1985. It seems like a ton of people get this wrong due to being unaware of what the Famicom even is. Soon though, I've grown to have a very strong opinion regarding this.

But why should this even matter? Isn't the Famicom just a Japanese NES? If we're going by that logic than the NES is just an American Famicom, cause the more you start to think about this you start to realize that we have quite a problem on our hands regarding what we even call a platform like this overall. Unlike with modern consoles that are identical globally no matter where you live, consoles from a few decades ago not only look different but have separate identities that only exist in the territories they were released in. Despite that however, most of the internet seems to be happy with mixing everything up into things we're familiar with, but I believe that has resulted in tons of confusion and misinformation regarding older video games.

Now before I can really get into the topic at hand, I need to establish some definitions just so we're on the same page. Terms like console and platform are thrown together interchangeably whenever used in discussion but for this post I will be treating both terms as meaning different things.

Console: A computer designed to play software made for it.

Platform: An ecosystem that encompasses the games designed for specific consoles.

These aren't perfect definitions but my aim is to illustrate that different consoles can exist but still fall under the same general platform. So lets take the Famicom and NES again, both would be separate consoles but fall under the same platform. Now ask yourself this, what would you call this platform?

If your immediate answer is the NES then congratulations this is the reality we live in at this very moment. Of course this isn't a problem exclusively to these consoles, there are plenty of other examples you can point to with this exact dilemma such as with the Super Famicom and SNES, the PC-Engine and TurboGrafx-16, the Mega Drive and Genesis, just to name a few. Currently we do not have a neutral term to call these video game platforms, and it seems like we are content with keeping it this way for the foreseeable future which is really bad in the context of video game preservation.

(Wikipedia is the closest thing we have to a general site documenting video games in general)

Documentation regarding video games is already sparse on the internet, and this mix up certainly does not help whatsoever. That's not to discount the many projects currently in operation, my point is that we currently do not have good easy to access documentation regarding video games, anything remotely obscure is extremely difficult to find information for let alone in your native language. The tools in place can absolutely be improved and I believe clearing this console paradox up would be beneficial to everyone.

Think of it this way, consoles such as the Famicom and NES are in their own lanes. The Famicom side has its own set of things going for it and so does the NES side but the road itself is what holds the two together. If you attempt to drive on the Famicom lane and hastily merge within the NES lane you'll get into an accident and that accident is either misinformation or getting a false misunderstood narrative. Weird analogy at first but this is the best visual I can give whenever information regarding one console is applied to another.

Now before I wrap things up, I want to make it clear that a lot of this is my own opinion, that being said I am open for discussion whether you think a line needs to be drawn somewhere or that separating consoles like this is unnecessary.

(Note: I mainly used the Famicom and NES as examples in this post but as stated before this also applies to other consoles with this general platform issue.)

[better-than-buzzfeed-98]

An Apology

This is a weird thing to do but if I don't at some point, I'll feel bad.

A few months back I got into some discourse of Q word discourse and I was pretty cringe.

I wasn't actually mad or upset over that. What I was trying to do was kind of motte and baily it in a way.

At my time in college before I dropped out, I had some experiences:

One of my crushes, long story short, thought I used snapchat to stalk them, I actually texted them on sc as I walked up to them to a college event on Friday, so they had a read receipt from me as I walked up to them. Not a good look. Needless to say, having your crush become uncomfortable and think you're a creep over some bullshit is a prime way to create a depresso expresso of despair. They reported to a club we were in( they held events and paired people, my crush and I were together), and I was booted from a club I really liked from November until the beginning of the next semester.

The best part is this a theater club. So imagine being not even 20 yet, having your crush think you're sus and being dunked on be theater kids when Hamilton was popular.

The summer after this, my grandma passed away, causing another round of depression and existentialism before the pandemic. I remember watching a lot of dark stuff and making a lot more edgy jokes. I was hurting and failing to see the point of anything, sinking in existential despair.

I was trying to work on myself and improve last year, but was stalling. So I spent time online to cope. When I saw the q word discourse, it was more like "why should I have to not be offensive, when I've been struggling and stepped on? No one I know is worrying about I've been hurt. How do I even know to see if it's a legit reason?"

I recognize now that I was wrong. I think you should just read social cues, try to be kind, learn to read the room and gauge the language and just not worry too much as long as you try to be nice. In the past few months I turned things around in my personal life, and I trying to ride that wave. Even if people I know lack giving me empathy, it's not a reason to do the same.

It's not surprising that a tumblr user is mentally ill, but its not right to use discourse to make others feel bad to cope with feeling like shit about yourself.

I'm sorry and I'll try to be better. I hope we can all be better. If anyone I offended would accept my apology, that would be great

@takish0

@termytheantisocialbutterfly

@stalker-among-the-starse-stars

@y33tcann0n

@jadedaceofspades

@rainbowloliofjustice

@avaricesstuff

@pinkmistle06

also if someone else could the 1st two users because I was blocked I'd appreciate it!

#discourse #mental illness #q slur #queer #politics

[blahandwhatever]

Inner and Outer Weather Report

Spring got going early this year, and I'm slowly trying to adjust from a winter hibernation mode I still don't feel quite ready to emerge from. Every year, I feel less and less of the dissatisfactions with winter I used to feel, less and less of the aversion to its onset, less and less hurry for it to end. There's always enough to be immersed in at home, and I never get through all the things I'd like to.

Weather-wise, this winter was exceptionally mild - almost alarmingly so for a while. Lot of warmer house clothes I hardly got a chance to wear because it just didn't get that cold in here. The heavy-duty winter boots I got so much use out of a few years ago hardly got any wear either. Once again, I never really got around to the snowy walks and activities I always hope to do more of - but there truly was so little snow. Then there were these periods of fog and humidity - the fog, kind of dreamy; the humidity, deeply weird combined with the cold.

In retrospect, the winter months are rarely the most memorable ones, yet I do think the healing and reconstituting and internal focus they provide abundant space for are important, and help set me up for a good rest of the year.

On the inside, things have mostly been good, with some ups and downs like always, and more chemical mysteries to unravel.

A while back, I had a weird period of those intense high-blood-pressure-like feelings and looking like shit. I'd experienced this before both when I'd run out of magnesium and when I'd taken too much iron at once. I was also having unusually frequent eye twitches. By this point, I was regularly supplementing magnesium again, as well as calcium; there was a possibility of excess calcium, but it didn't seem likely, given that the dose I was taking was pretty modest. Was it possible that my iron supplementation journey had finally reached a turning point? I decided to cease the supplements and see.

For the first few days, I felt a little better. Then I started feeling worse, and slowly, low-iron symptoms began to appear. Cautiously, I got back on the supplements, and things improved. I felt relieved the iron didn't seem to be the culprit - it had been so indispensable for years, I was nervous about the idea of stopping it, and skeptical that it was already time when I'd still been so sensitive to messing up my supplementation schedule not long ago.

Decided to drop the calcium instead and, temporarily, yogurt too. It was hard to see myself getting too much calcium overall, but then, I do take vitamin D, which increases its absorption. I started getting back to normal, and for a while, I felt pretty good.

Then in the past week, I started getting some low-blood-pressure feelings, feeling a bit lightheaded, having weird headaches, getting a bit of the old orthostatic hypotension, which I hadn't had in forever. And this seemed to get worse after I'd take my magnesium. Finally I ended up with the symptoms that made me start supplementing calcium to begin with: lot of numbness and tingling, increased clumsiness, trouble getting to sleep. For a couple of days, I had some unusually depressive/melancholy feelings for these times.

So I added the calcium back. And slowly, I've been getting back to normal.

Now I'm back to where I started, and I've learned nothing, other than reconfirming that I need the supplements I'm taking. I haven't quite fallen back into the bad states that started all this, so we'll see. I don't know if there are other possible culprits among the supplements I take, or if something else caused this.

Other than that, the only real sources of destabilization have been the good old parents and the good old money troubles. But none of it affects me intensely for long. The parents, I can't be bothered to stress about much anymore, and thankfully there isn't anything too intense going on with them these days. And the money - well, I do stress here and there, but life goes on; I've always gotten through these times somehow.

Work is still slow at the main job, compensated for only partially by work from other jobs, mostly also low-paying ones.

Friday my landlord texted me to pressure me a little about catching up on the rent I've slowly and steadily been catching up on, and let me know she'd be increasing the rent in June - if that's not okay with me, I can move out.

And just. What a thought. Yeah, I'm going to suddenly drop the life I've built here and turn all my near-future plans upside down because you're raising the rent in less than two months.

By this point, I am so deeply entrenched here, and have invested so much in this place both financially and emotionally, that the idea that this place is hers and not mine - hers to take away from me at will - feels viscerally wrong.

Yeah, I'll pay the damn rent. It's not an exorbitant increase, at least. And the fact that it could be feels criminal. The fact that people can, and do, just... lose their homes... feels criminal.

Been feeling some of the old outrage about the intolerably cruel joint forces of worker exploitation, price gouging, and absolute mercilessness about people not being able to fucking afford things. Sometimes you really have to remind yourself that the way things work in this country is actually insane, because god it's so easy to grow complacent, especially when times are good.

[coccyodynia]

things:

this one is gonna be all over the place bc there's a lot of things i haven't dealt with yet or even acknowledged but i need to do something with them so weird tumblr post it is!

i haven't slept well in months for a number of reasons (ornery cat, back pain etc) and its really catching up to me

my health is still very much in flux but i am very very broke and cannot afford my health insurance and/or co-pays so i've basically stopped pursuing any kind of treatment/appointments for now, just trying to deal with the pain as much as i can :/

i am still without a dayjob and thats gonna become a problem very quickly :/

im getting back into the habit of making art on a more regular or consistent basis, which i am happy about!!

since i quit my job i've had a noticeable improvement in my moods, overall outlook and depression symptoms. a lot of people around me (therapist, parents, grandma, friends) have made comments about how they've noticed this

i've been working really hard on my coping skills and other inner-work to improve my life and relationships and it's really working i think, so i'm happy about that

my apartment is looking a lot better, usually when my depression/moods are really bad my kitchen becomes pretty much unusable, but since i've been more free to focus on things in my life i've been keeping it cleaner and i'm happy about that too

the semester started a few weeks ago, and im enjoying my class/students! im really excited about the rest of the semester and to see what my students make

i had a tarot reading that kind of blew my mind last weekend and i'm still sort of reeling from it tbh

she spoke a lot about my inner turmoil and the past, and being content with a found family (at least that's how i interpreted it) in my future, while having a strong support system presently

interestingly she never said much of anything at all about relationships outside of that, which i took to heart

i've sort of always believed i would never have a life partner/long-term relationship, but instead the universe would continue passing people through my life on timelines appropriate to how these relationships serve me

i think people like lillian and kym will always be around for sure, but my life has shown a pretty consistent pattern of people being introduced to my life at a time when i desperately needed someone and slowly removing them from my life when i learned what i needed to learn (mannie, reid, michael, justin, henry, so on and so forth)

i know that this is what's happening with justin and on one hand i'm understanding of that, on the other hand i'm very upset about it

i really dont know where he and i stand right now, he's in a new job and trying to spend more time with his kid, so he's less available to talk/hang

it really hurts, because he really did save my life in some form or fashion, and to have that comforting presence slowly disappear has been incredibly difficult

i've really been avoiding talking about this with anyone, like my therapist and closest friends because i am not sure how i will handle the grief once i let myself really accept it/deal with it

last night Lil asked me "how are things with justin?" and i gave some weird vague response like "not sure, i'll tell you when i figure it out"

her followup question, after a slight pause, was: "are you okay?"

i had to laugh because obviously no i'm not okay with this but i dont have a choice, so i'm handling it as well as i can - but i told lil that i probably am not handling it as well as i should

i got very drunk the other night and had an incredibly bad time, sobbing hysterically and screaming basically, bc i am so tired of people just coming and going from my life

my notes app on my phone is just full of one-liners about this bullshit and i feel like a stereotype, moreso than usual

one-liners include:

"people would rather leave than extend the grace i offered them from the start"

"it only hits me sometimes, but i feel it every fucking day"

"found rotten at the root, i am being picked clean"

"people just move on, they move on and forward at a clip and im still here - still here still here still here - no matter how far i move, im still stuck here"

so im not in a great headspace about all of this

but i am at least doing better handling it than i might have been 6 months ago tbh

literally anyway...

last night i had a dream that featured reid and erin and cobb

we used to be the 'dream team' back in high school & college

the dream was weird and i don't fully remember the plot but i do remember waking up very sad and confused

i dont associate with them at all anymore and that might be for the best

but somehow reid keeps coming up in my dreams, i had one the other week where they asked me "is this separation working for you? it's not working for me" basically asking to come back into my life

my response in the dream was "i dont think about you at all anymore" which isn't entirely true obviously, but i've definitely moved on quite a bit

it's almost exactly 2 years since they left my life (sept 24), so i'm sure that's why this is coming up in my dreams

but that also means it's been almost exactly 2 years since i last self harmed (oct 3) and i'm glad about that

when i reached 1 year clean from SH back in 2022 i told justin that i wasn't sure who to talk to about it, since the person i usually told was the reason it happened in the first place

and justin was very very supportive, kind and reassuring

i'm really sad that i'm not sure he would be anymore

i have a little more capacity to handle these kinds of things now that ive quit my job that made me suicidal

but i still want to have that extra support, extra care and i don't know how to have that need met, if that makes sense

idk im just low-key sad underneath everything and all of the progress i've made. its just that im not using drugs or self-medicating to deal with it

idk bye

#things

[boydepartment]

Hi everyone, it's your favorite sheep anon. =) How are you doing today? For me, I’m doing so much better than I was 3 months ago. It’s been a rough year for a lot of people, including myself, but I’ve grown and changed so much. I looked at the first few messages I sent and totally cringed at what I wrote, but it just means that I’ve improved. I feel like sharing a bit of a personal revelation with the longest message to date, so prepare yourself with a text wall, like seriously, it's long.

Earlier this week, I was doing a deep clean of my room, and after looking at all the junk in my room, I came to the realization that, wow, I was really scared of the future. I hoarded a lot of stuff from years ago just for the sake of holding onto the past. I think I was really scared of growing up and changing.

One of my biggest flaws is that I lived my life passively. I waited for someone or something that would start my own life. I didn't chase my dreams and waited for opportunities to come to me. To be honest, I was influenced by the media that I needed an inciting incident to start my own life. It was probably because I felt inadequate to actually living my own life, if that makes sense. Just a big case of imposter syndrome. I would read and hear about the perfect ride-or-die friend group, having sleepovers, and driving on the highway until 3 am. I was always waiting for that one person that I could spill all of my secrets to because I was so lonely. If anything bad happened, it would be okay, because I just needed to wait just a little bit longer for that person to arrive, then I would finally be able to start living. I kept all of my feelings to myself until that day would arrive. Honestly, I was just deluding myself that that one person would enter my life and everything would just magically get better. I didn't even realize that I was drowning in my own isolation. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for my life to begin.

But I don't think I can live like this any longer. I am still extremely scared of the future, but treating my life as a prologue isn't how I want to live my life. "Agency–the ability to control your destiny, instead of waiting for destiny to happen–is the key to joy, the ultimate refutation of despair." -Joanne Mullunaro. I was waiting for someone else to do what I could only do, live my own life. I know this choice will be one of the hardest decisions I ever make. Maybe I'll crash and burn, but waiting for the rest of my life for someone else to dictate my life is no longer something I'm willing to do.

It took me a very long time to take out everything in my room, but after coughing on a lot of dust and organizing, I felt a lot better. I think I'm ready now.

I'm probably the most vulnerable on here. The advice and messages I write I have never told anyone in my own personal life. I'm sure some people would call them cheesy or overdramatic. It's a bit weird reading them though because there's a separation between who I was back when I wrote them, and who I am now. I still believe in what I wrote, and the fact that I've impacted anyone with my messages is insane for someone who spends most of their time in their own head. When I was younger, I wished that someone would tell me how hard life was, but I believe that in the midst of the darkness, there will be light, you just have to reach out for it. =) Oh, and it would be my honor to be your pen pal. <3

Yours truly,

Sheep anon 🐑

Hi my dear and favorite sheepie,

I want to apologize that this reply is late, I started my period yesterday and had intense migraines and nausea :( but I am here now to reply!!! I am okay just in a little pain lol

I’m really glad you can find yourself growing and improving over the course of you writing me little messages!!! I think that’s really special and I’m happy to read through your journey :)

I really need to clean through my room too and get rid of stuff, I have way too many old clothes from thrifting. I get what you mean by holding onto the past, I need to start letting things go as well.

One thing that I understand is wanting those ride or die friends. I really understand wanting that true friend group. I thought I had that in highschool and a little into my college year, we did used to do those 3am drives and such. At the time it was fun and stupid, but the more I grew the more I realized that spontaneous friend group can be really dangerous. Some JayJay lore here. Back in highschool I had this friend who used to be my best friend, we had a falling out recently which im not mad about at all. Over the years I noticed her being spontaneous was really dangerous and dragging me places that I really didn’t want to fall down, i.e substances, being rude to me, commenting on my body, etc. I used to think this girl was my ride or die, same with another friend we had who went down the same path. Not every going on a 3am drive friends are like this. But if you ever do end up with spontaneous friends, please be careful. A lot of them are not what they seem.

I think one person in your life can change everything. It’s just fate running into that person. I luckily found my person when I was 14, he really has changed my life for the better. I don’t think he knows it but I owe him a lot. He’s helped me through almost everything and I’m really thankful for him. We’ve both grown as people and even though it took a lot of people and friend groups to find eachother and get closer, I wouldn’t trade my connection with him for anything. Waiting for that one person that changes your life is okay, but I wouldn’t wait on the sidelines. Still try to make friends and you never know where it could lead. I met my best friend because I dmed him on instagram saying I needed friends. It was all done on a whim. Fate, if you will.

Being scared of the future is really relatable. I have no clue what I’m doing in life and that is okay. You really don’t have to know. It’s okay to not know is what I’m saying. As long as you’re stepping somewhere and growing and learning, that is what’s most important. Making mistakes is the second best thing you can do, learning from those said mistakes is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself.

Sheepie your messages really do help me reflect on things as well. I’m very thankful for you being able to show your vulnerability to my blog. I’m also very thankful that I can watch you grow through your messages as well, it makes me feel special :)

I can’t wait to hear from you again sheepie ❤️ I am very happy to be your pen pal too

[vexederolo]

orchid, jasmine & taro

 ﹟random get-to-know-me ask game thank you for the ask! <3 sorry it took me like. a long time to get to it, it’s been a pretty exhausting week and i am just incapable of answering on a timely manner lately Answered orchind and jasmine here :) taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about? hmm. ok so first of all honestly I’d just be spooked a bit, send a message first don’t just call me. only my mom gets a pass 😂 (she literally just called me as I typed this lol) but yeah anyway, if I’m not being a smartass, hypothetically, it does depend on the person and how long has it been since I've last talked to them. A friend of mine here also replied to this question and I really loved her answer, how for you day by day it feels like not much has changed but every day there are always small things that change a bit, different music you listen to, different tv shows and media you consume, different experiences even if they are small one. And overall these small things are sometimes the most important ones. That’s a nice thing to think about. But yeah, I’m losing track here and probably not making a lot of sense lol. I suppose that generally I'd talk about how I started a job at manual QA in the past few months, how it is pretty tiring and long hours, but it is an improvement than my previous one, at least i don't have to do night shifts anymore I guess,  it’s a bit nice to learn new things, and it does pay pretty well relatively. Also it is like. closer to what software engineers do, which is the job I plan to probably get to after I go to uni. If we haven't talked in a long time then I'd say I moved out to a new city in the past two years, how it’s weird to move out from your parent’s house but also nice and freeing. And if it's pretty recent I'd say that my roomate moved out and I'm in the process of looking for a new one, even though honestly living alone is pretty neat and looking for a roomate is. anxiety inducing. but I hope I manage to find someone who will be decent I guess. And if we’re closer and talk more often maybe I’d just talk about how I got back to listening to Welcome to Night Vale and it’s a really great podcast, and oh! oh! that’s really recent! like, 2 days ago me and my friend ordered tickets to London for next month, and I’m really excited cause I haven’t gone abroad in like. a few years and I desperately need a vacation. I also really wanted to go to London for such a long time and I’m really excited to finally do it, and we’re planning to go to one of the music festivals in the UK to see Bastille while we’re there, and they’re amongst my all time fave bands so I’m really really excited to listen to them live! <33 I might also rant that I need to get to another city to fix my scooter cause it broke like 2 weeks ago and I didn’t find the time to do it, but I’m gonna keep the positive stuff going with saying that I also bought tickets to a OneRepublic concert as they’re coming to our country in November, and I’m really excited for that as well. So yeah, there’s stuff to look forward to, which is nice ^^ 

#i am just not able to send short replies on asks oops #the longer it takes me to reply the more incoherent i become i guess #the urge to overshare online on an ask no one will probably really read is simply too strong #but yeah #thank you for that <3 #thinking about these things did improve my mood a bit as well djsfnjsd #and it's like. a week+ later that i say this #i'm bad at replying on time lol #but when i reblogged the ask game i did not expect to receive multiple asks so it was really nice <3 #asks #anons #ask games

[kittykatinabag]

Just realized something that's been tossing around in my mind for a bit.

Working in the present day doesn't allow you to enjoy your role.

Now I'm going to be mostly talking about non-retail/food service jobs here because that's most of my job experience as a privileged af (mostly)cis white woman. Rest assured, I've done the food service grind before and suffered for an entire summer where I threw most of my money away to gas so I've been there its just been a long time.

The overwhelming culture of most white-collar jobs (in America but maybe other places too) is that each position is just a stepping stone to a new position/title/responsibilities ect. Once you've done the training and initial experience in the role, every check in conversation with your manager is "where do you want to be by [insert time frame here]?"

So like any reasonable person you do a little internal monologuing and figure out the few parts of your job that you enjoy, or at least don't entirely hate. But the thing that most people don't tell you is that one, those wishes will most likely be ignored unless they're like managing people, and two, it becomes an experience where when you name the things you enjoy, even good managers will just push you towards more responsibility even if that's not the thing you want.

Using my experiences as an example: The parts about my previous jobs in the remediation industry I could at least tolerate were field work with a clear plan, ideally if there was some variety in the tasks but as long as the tasks were clear and I wasn't jerked around last minute by bad project managers I could at least deal with most of the downsides that came with the work. It helped my sleep schedule a lot, but it was pretty exhausting when I was still swimming in unmedicated depression and weird physical energy issues which turned out to probably be vitamin deficiencies (and general lack of in-shapeness but the out of shapeness was present way before any energy issues really cropped up). I knew what I needed to do, and at my old old company I was given more than enough time to do it. (By the time I was at my old company I had enough confidence to just rebuke the project managers. I don't think I was very popular lmao).

But even with my amazing first manager at my old old company, every meeting about future plans ultimately circled back to "lets aim for assistant project manager" even though I absolutely fucking hate project management. Even though we had technical experts at different levels in the company, it seemed like the pathway for internal hires was always pointed towards management. It felt like I was being dragged towards a precipice that I knew I didn't want to climb.

Every time I expressed satisfaction with what I was doing, a month or two later things would change and I wouldn't be doing those things anymore. Sure some were just projects ending. But other projects continued on. At some point you start questioning your competency, but every time you ask for feedback you get glowing reviews. Satisfaction in your current role never seemed to exist. It was always aim higher, do more, be responsible for more.

On a more meta level, the American work culture (and to some extents personal culture) doesn't seem to understand that people aren't always looking for the next bigger, better thing.

Yes, I want to improve. But I always want to enjoy my happiness when I have it. Live in the present and all that. One of the biggest things I've learned over the past two or so years is the feeling of joy in the present moment. Letting things sit for awhile.

I've never been encouraged to enjoy any of my successes for more than a moment. Its always "what are we doing next?" before I even had a chance to think about it. I don't want to go perpetually into infinity. Its discouraging to always be looking up at the walls and mountains that need to be climbed. Let me look at the view.

#rambling #i think im growing to hate every measure of 'success'

[lunarharp]

various fe3h stuff i never put here yet

#fe3h tag #dimidue #doropetra #ferdibert #bylitza #sorry if it's gauche to put posts with multiple pairings in tags i dont even know how fandom works i dont know anything. #i've improved a lot in the past few months these look weird to me now #goddd i feel so wretched and wild atm. looking at happy pictures like... did i even draw that? why? dont even recognise my own art

[milkytheholy1]

We’re not done here

Request: How about a Donnie x Reader where the reader is really self-conscious about their body and has pretty sucky self-esteem? I feel like it'd be cute with how Donnie secretly relates and has enough confidence for the both of them! 💜 (Female or gender-neutral is fine I think! >w

A/N: hey so I didn't really delve in deep to Donnie's insecurities, they're kind of mentioned and if you read into things a bit more you might be able to see them idk. Hope you enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staring at your solum face in the mirror, you frowned at your reflection. Your eyes trace over your features, using your fingers to tug at the bags under your eyes and the acne that could be a dot-to-dot game on your face. Gazing down towards your stomach and thighs, you released a sigh; a lone tear slipping down your cheek. How could anyone ever like me?

A gentle ringing brought you back to reality, wiping away the onslaught of tears that dribbled down your face, you went on the hunt for your phone. The song 'Weird Science' rang from under your blanket laying askew on your bed, rummaging your hand under the plush material your fingers felt the hard contact of your phone. Finally gazing at the caller ID your heart froze, if the song hadn't given it away then you would have been surprised to see him calling you.

"Hey, are you coming over today? I want to show you these improvements I've made with my battle shell, I'd show my brothers buuuuuuut they never appreciate my brilliance."

You heaved a shaky breath, hearing his voice did things to your already shattered confidence. The line was quiet, realising that you hadn't said anything your brain went into overtime trying to come up with an excuse "I-I don't think I can make it Donnie I've got a lot of, erm, school work to do, yeah that's what I'm going with." You didn't want to lie to Donnie, but with the crush coming on so suddenly your mind hadn't had time to process it. Sure Donnie was a turtle, but even a turtle had standards, what would Donnie see in you besides a friend?

Ever since your feelings towards Donnie started leaning to the 'way more than friends' side, it suddenly dawned on you how you dressed and acted around him was extremely important. You couldn't just rock up in leggings and a hoody, now you had to make more of an effort. Over the past few months the guys never saw you without makeup, your excuse was that you just wanted to look nice but in reality, it was because you were ashamed of the way your face was peppered with spots and eye bags that could hold groceries for a hundred families.

The clothes, as mentioned before, changed as well. You no longer came in your oversides hoody and leggings but sometimes in jeans or a skirt, and if you were feeling a little bit of confidence, a dress. The turtles had never said anything about your sudden change and care in your appearance, the first time they saw it they thought it was a one-off; but after the fifth time that week, they knew something was up. With no debates needed, they selected Donnie to be the one to talk to you since you seemed to spend more time with him than the others.

He protested at first, quoting that he wasn't good with 'girl stuff' but when Leo gave him an unamused frown and a snarky "None of us are!" it shut him right up. For days Donnie paced back and forth in his lab thinking of ways to ask you what was wrong, he knew how stubborn you were and expected that it wouldn't be easy to get the information out of you just like that. Consouling the internet, April and even Splinter (which was a massive mistake on its own), Donnie had given up and just opted to be straight with you.

"Oh come on (Y/N) you're the only person that will listen to me about this stuff," he begged. Shaking your head, you could feel your brain laughing at you amused that you were listening to your heart and not logic. With a shaky voice, dually noted by Donnie, you gave him your reply "I-I don't know Donnie, my school work is really impor-"

"If it's that important to you just bring it with you, then maybe I can help you with it, you know, if I have time and stuff." You knew you weren't going to be able to get out of this, with an irritated groan you agreed to see him "OH, FAB-O BOOOOTS!" he yelled into his phone, causing you to wince in pain. When the call ended you stared at your phone screen, watching the illuminated screen fade away and your saddened reflection staring back up at you.

-At the lair-

Your shoes barely made a sound as you strolled into the lair, it was oddly quiet, maybe the boys aren't here? "Ah (Y/N) you made it and just in time too," Donnie's lanky frame popped out from the kitchen, his eyes shifting between you and his tech-brace. Walking to you, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder allowing him to drag you to his lab. Ignoring the blush that covered your cheeks, he continued to rant as he unwrapped his arm from around you and carried on poking his fingers against the tech-brace.

"Listen my brothers are going to be out of the lair for a while, something about finding the perfect pizza toppings, which gives me ample time to demonstrate to you all the new things I installed onto my battle shell."

You stood at the entrance of his lab, watching as he waltzed in and started digging around for some technological thing. Turning back to you, he tilted his head in curiosity, eyes tracing over your blushing form "Where's your schoolwork?" he asked with a smirk. Your eyes widened in surprise, how could you forget? I mean, sure, the school work didn't exist in the first place but Donnie didn't know that.

"I, er, I-"

"Oh give it up (Y/N), I know there wasn't any schoolwork you just wanted to-" he stopped himself, his snarky smirk quickly vanishing and replaced by a frown. His voice came out as a whisper "Avoid me." Oh how he could not be any more wrong, you wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him. But you couldn't. Donnie was many things: strong, talented, intelligent, funny and what were you? Adding on from your useless personality, what did you have to offer him physically? Some fatty thighs and a jiggly stomach.

Tears started forming in your eyes, cascading down your cheeks like a running river. Donnie faintly heard sniffing, casting a glance to you he saw you curling in on yourself. Your shoulders were bent forward, hunched around your neck, your fingers were tangled together, writhing underneath his gaze. You looked so...small.

"(Y/N)" You'd never heard Donnie's voice this soft before, not sparing him a glance you turned your back to him, "I think- I-I think I'm going to go now." Donnie bolted forward, trapping you from leaving. Finally looking up at him, Donnie saw the flare of your nostrils, the black mascara staining your cheeks. He rubbed his thumb over your soft skin, pulling it back he saw your foundation slightly smudged on his green skin. Donnie grabbed your hand and pulled you to the family bathroom muttering a small "Come with me."

It was quiet, neither of you spoke a single word as you watched him rummage around the bathroom cabinet. Hearing a muttered, "There you are.", Donnie came back to face you with a pack of make-up wipes in his hand. Lifting a wipe to your face, he saw the feral look in your eye, indicating to the wipe and then your face he asked for your permission "May I?" You meekly nodded, awed at how gently he wiped away the mask of make-up you had been wearing.

Once he was done, he turned to throw it away, catching your face in the mirror he saw how disgusted you looked. Raising a brow at you, he sat by you on the edge of the bathtub "What's going on with you recently? You've been acting...different. Did I do something? Did I cause you to change?" You were getting sick of how many times you had to push the tears away, but no matter what they still kept falling.

"I-it's not your fault D, it's just in my head. It's nothing."

"Well, it has to be something. One day you come in here not caring about the whole make-up fad and then the next day you can't leave the house without it? Did someone say something to you, is that why you decided to change?"

"They didn't have to say anything Don," you muttered, your eyes boring into his own. Donnie looked back at you, his mind running through all your interactions with him and his brothers trying to figure out who upset you and how he was going to deal with it. But what if it was him? What if he was the one that said some off-handed comment to you and you took it to heart? Donnie would never be able to forgive himself if he were the reason that you had so desperately changed.

"I...Can you elaborate?" holding the edge of the bathtub in your tight grip you shunned away from his gaze. Staring in the mirror ahead of you, your eyes trailed up your form mindlessly speaking out all the things you thought were wrong with you. Donnie listened to you throughout the whole thing, he had no idea that that's how you felt about yourself.

"-my thighs wobble and shake when I walk and I hate it, I see people out in New York all the time with their short skirts and shorts. I could never wear anything like that." Taking your silence as a cue that you finished, Donnie waded out the possible outcomes of his next words "But there's more, isn't there?" You released a shaky breath, slowly nodding your head you gaze was glued to the bathroom floor "I could never be enough for anyone, I could never be enough for you. You could never fall for me like how I fell for you, just spare me the time and go out with April or some other person better looking than me." you grumbled, anger slowly rising in your tone.

"Well, I can't do that because the most beautiful person is sat right next to me and I would be but a fool to miss such a presented opportunity." Looking back to Donnie, a soft smile on his face, you blinked up at him confused "I-I don't understand, what are you saying right now." It was more of a statement than a question, you had heard and understood what he said but you didn't believe it. Your mind had been so focused on the thought that Donnie could never be more than a friend with you, that it never even entertained the opposite thought.

"(Y/N), sure I'm a turtle and you're a human, but you are by far the best-looking human I've ever seen. So what your thighs wobble when you walk? I love it. You're so warm, like, all the time and as someone from the cold-blooded species, I appreciate that more than you'll ever know." Donnie continued to ramble on, things ranging from compliments to scientific studies of body fat and how beneficial it is. Although once he saw the confused look on your face he stopped.

Taking his hand in your own, he looked down at you fondly, smiling to himself "I like you way too much to care if you're wearing make-up or not. By the way, I love the make-up look, I really do, but I want to see the (Y/N) who would walk around in a hoody that looked like it was drowning them." Laughing at his awkward confession, you leaned forward and lightly kissed the end of his snout. Donnie turned all shades of pink as a result of your actions, making you laugh more, grabbing his hand you heaved him up and pulled him back to his lab "C'mon, you said you wanted to show me something, right?"

"But I'm not done complimenting you yet," he argued, trailing behind you like a lost puppy. Donnie stared at his hand intertwined with your own, turning your head to him, you shrugged "You can do it later." Catching up to your side, you walked to his lab in silence. Donnie gave you the side-eye muttering "You know we're not done talking about this right?", you turned your head to face him, offering him a quick wink and a seductive smile you replied, "I know."

#rottmnt #supportrottmnt #rottmnt donnie x reader #rottmnt donnie #tmnt #tmnt donatello #tmnt Donnie #tmnt donnie x reader #fanfiction #fandom #fanfic #fan #oneshot #one shot #reader #xreader #request #fluff #angst #self-consciousness

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Steph it's time for your christmasy icon again! wahoo!

I'm.gonna be real honest w you rn, I haven't been into Sherlock in over two years now, and I've unfollowrd a lot of people I used to follow from that fandom. but not you Steph, even if I have, admittedly, not read a Sherlock fic in two years and I've been mostly scrolling past your fic rec posts without reading them. but! I still follow you! and every time I see a post of yours in my dash I still smile, and every time I'm looking for fic rec blogs in new fandoms I compare them to yours a bit bc you're still the best and most organized fic reccer blog I've ever seen in my +6 years in fandom

I guess the point is that even tho I've mostly moved on I still appreciate you Steph, and all the work you put into it and all the literally thousands of fics I've read bc you've recced them.

I heard you were having a bit of a rough year a few months ago, and I hope things are better, and I hope they keep improving. happy holidays Steph, and I send you lots of love and the very best wishes.

love, J. 💖

Hey Lovely!

Oh my, what a kind and lovely thing to say!! I'd argue that there are far better reccers than me out there because I was inspired by them, I just have a weird organization quirk and honestly thought my way was a jumbled mess, hahahahh! Plus my weird thing where I only personally rec things I've read, I thought that annoyed people, but I guess not.

I am humbled to read that I am your "standard" to what rec blogs in other fandoms should be compared to... I genuinely don't think I should be up that high, but thank you <3

I'm happy you've found happiness in other fandoms, but I am honoured that I am still being followed even after you left fandom. I will take no offense if you need to unfollow me, truly!

Thank you so much, J, for your kind words and well wishes. Yes, this past year has been a bloody rollercoaster, so I'm just glad it's over, to be honest. <3 Please take care, and happy holidays to you and yours <3

#steph replies #testimonials #happy posts #chatting with nonnies #words of kindness

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello MBTI Notes, ESTJ Female here in early 30s. I got to know about MBTI recently in past 7 8 months and could understand my type as ESTJ.

By looking at ESTJ characteristics and ego development, I think I was either in selfhood mindset or may be even unhealthy ESTJ due to stress in my life that time. It affected my family life. I had tough time at my job, I was labelled as stubborn, can't think of multiple ways for solution, unable to connect with people emotionally etc etc.

I was working with INFP (I have guessed his type) so he did not value much my ability to lead or drive things, attention to details, Analysis and mainly thirst for success. However, emphasized on my weak areas because somehow seeing multiple options and emotional agility was important for him. (I understood now that it's his personality type, not that he did intentionally). Though I left that job and started to work in new place, this experience left me shattered because we worked together for quite long time and I went on mission to find reason behind this misconnect between us. That's how I found MBTI.

Since then, I have read a lot about it and trying to develop my weak functions.

Existing in an environment that doesn't respect or appreciate you is hard on anyone. Being opposites, your colleague was blind to your strengths, while you felt pressured to work in a mode that wasn't natural for you. The positive side to this painful situation? It was an opportunity for you to learn that different people have different strengths and weaknesses, and it's important to respect them and work with them, rather than try to change each other in painful ways. This lesson is necessary for advancing in ego development, in terms of learning to see beyond your own subjective experience of the world. It's good that you've reflected on what happened and want to address your part in the problem - important for Te+Si development. And it's good that you feel motivated to improve your future performance - important for Ne development.

Your posts reg function development and ego development is big help! Few queries related to that,

- Can anyone really develop all 8 functions

In the Function Theory Guide, I state that I do not subscribe to the 8 function stack models. I do not recommend that people attempt to develop their shadow functions, see previous posts on the topic. I also warn people about the dangers of trying to develop the tertiary and inferior functions before they are psychologically ready for it, see the relevant tags for past coverage. So, "no" is the short answer. In my view, trying to develop all 8 functions is unrealistic, a pie in the sky idea, and a misread of what functions are. It can be harmful as well, as I've seen it lead to weird results like type envy, loss of identity, navel gazing, delusions of grandeur, etc. Yes, to improve yourself and your life, you have to think bigger and consider new and better possibilities. However, it is also important to keep the self-improvement process grounded in reality, by first practicing self-acceptance, which includes acceptance of your limitations. Otherwise, you may push yourself too hard or in the wrong directions.

- Does this development depends on age or self awareness and willingness

I'm afraid I don't really understand where this question is coming from because I'm not sure whether you're referring to function development or ego development, since they are separate (but related) matters. A person should develop their functions upon realizing that they keep misusing them and could use them better. This realization can happen at any age. Wanting to realize one's greater potential is the main impetus for personal growth. Ego development is dependent on age only insofar as, culturally and biologically, one is expected to reach certain levels of maturity at a certain age, i.e., there are many invisible forces which encourage ego development to progress in predictable stages. However, one must choose to listen to those forces and go with them. Many people get stuck along the way and stop progressing for various reasons. For instance, some people, upon feeling "shattered", would give up on themselves and become self-indulgent, while others would learn something valuable from it and take steps to improve. We are all individuals, with our own unique path to walk. It's not for us to judge each other. It's better to allow each other to travel the path that is needed for growth, and some paths are just more windy than others. It would be boring if we all walked the same path.

- what should be steps for this development and precautions

Functions are not equivalent to skills, so function development shouldn't be undertaken as "skill building". It's not a race, a competition, or an attempt to live up to a model/ideal. Type development is about gradually growing your awareness of how you use your functions, particularly how you MISUSE your functions, and discovering better, more mature ways to use them to handle the circumstances of your life. What works for you may not work for someone with different circumstances. All I do is provide a general blueprint, the rest is up to you to figure out, as you learn from your own experiences. Start at the top of the functional stack and slowly work your way down.

- How to assess progress on the way

As ESTJ, it should not be difficult for you to pay attention to the results of your choices/actions. Pay closer attention. Any appearance of function misapplications, negative consequences, destructive or harmful patterns, self-sabotage, tertiary loop or inferior grip behavior, psychological defensiveness, resistance against negative feedback, repetitive mistakes, bad choices, and so on, constitute concrete evidence of your progress or lack thereof. These are opportunities to stop and reflect on what you're doing wrong and revive the will to do better, through changing your thinking/behavior to garner more positive results and realize more of your potential. Remember that the dark side of your personality and the negative side of life are your greatest teachers. In reality, you will not always be aware of missteps right away, sometimes not until you get slapped hard in the face. Progress = constantly challenging yourself to get more insight into why you do things, learning to catch missteps earlier and earlier, in hopes that flawed thinking/behavior one day fades into the background and new cognitive strategies are allowed to win out.

Thanks in advance!

You're welcome, hope it helps, and good luck!

#estj #estj relationships #auxiliary si #tertiary ne #development #potential #ask