#i've wanted nothing more than to be skinny my entire life since i was 11 years old | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

love-starved-gen-craft · 2 years

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wanna be ana buddies? we can stream supersize vs superskinny, encourage each other and talk about life :) idk if this is weird I just started using Tumblr lol

i would have jumped at this opportunity a year ago. this is the first time i've been on tumblr in a while hence the lack of response. my answer is no because obviously i'm in a different place i would still love to be friends & talk about life but i get that talking to someone who isn't in the depths of an eating disorder when you are in said pit of despair is like conversing with a fidget spinner. i'm now gonna cut to the whole schpiel you don't need about how i'm better & you can be too but i'll try cut the cliche so stick around if you want:

i wouldn't consider myself recovered or in recovery i never tried to recover but stuff happened in my life that made me feel happier & so i don't continually starve myself anymore i dip back into those habits occasionally but they aren't my lifestyle. i am very lucky & privileged that external factors pulled me out of this self destructive behaviour & i get that's not possible for everyone to have this experience although i would like to note that recovery is still possible in shit circumstances. however, most people will continue with their disorder until they get a wake up call & my words will never be powerful enough to be that wake up call but i optimistically hope that they are. so here goes:

you may be doing this bc you feel as though it's the only way others will love you. this isn't true. i wasted months of my life in miserable ignorance to people who loved me. anorexia is ironically all consuming, devouring all thoughts you have other than ones about food, weight & calories. it leaves no room to think about all the people who love & care about you. had i spent more time attempting to starve myself i would have missed out on a wonderful relationship with someone i have loved since i was 11.

you may not believe that this can apply to you but nothing i can say will be able to convince against this viewpoint so i won't try but i hope against hope you realise that people are not so superficial that they can only love you when you look a certain way & not so obsessed with weight that they only find unhealthily skinny people pretty.

now maybe you think this doesn't apply to you because you're doing it for yourself. to this i would say that you are going about becoming better in the entirely wrong way. when you look in the mirror at your goal weight you will see a husk of what you used to believe was yourself. you will not love yourself because you are thin because there will be nothing left 2 love; behind your flesh there will be no personhood or sense of self. when you love others you do not love them as an object to be looked at, you love them for the intricacies & beautiful complexities that make them human. when it has nothing else to eat, your body will devour those wonderful parts of you leaving only you as an object with nothing left to truly love. thinking about all of the times i have stepped back & thought wow i actually like myself all instances were because of some personality trait i was emulating even if i did so through my appearance it was not the appearance that mattered it's who i was as a person. anorexia prevents you from being all those things you want to be & like in other people. you can't be funny, charismatic, quick witted, bubbly, intelligent or any other word you would like to describe yourself as when you barely have the energy to keep your brain working. you are not yourself when you are starving you are simply your eating disorder. the psychological effects of starvation are well documented & devastating. now when i get up in the morning i can read books, i can engage in my hobbies, i can be creative & present, people find me interesting & i have things to say & think. i look at myself in the mirror & i see a healthy head of hair i cut myself: it is bouncy & full of life & i love it, i see clothes which express me: they are creative & unique & they don't exist solely to hide or emphasise my body they are nice in & of themselves. beyond that i see relationships i now have the time & energy for, academic opportunities i have the cognitive ability to achieve, literature i can fully enjoy, passions i had once abandoned because i felt that they were not a priority when they were really the things that made me me. now there's a distinct possibility you hate yourself that you focus on improving your body because you can conceive of a method to improve it unlike your mind & soul which you abhor with no perceived means of improvement. it does take time & it's hard to love yourself or change as a person but it's possible. do nice things, smile at people, be kind: you can't hate a nice person. do stupid shit like having a dumb catchphrase, change your name, watch weird movies, make cool art, music, anything, do anything that helps you to build an identity. there's research to suggest that people suffering from anorexia have diminished sense of private self consciousness meaning you can't understand how you feel about yourself, your emotions & lack introspection. it's unclear wether this is a cause of anorexia or symptom of starvation, probably both i think building back that sense of self consciousness & identity can break the cycle. if you define yourself in terms other than your weight it can no longer define you.

thank you if you read through all my stupid ramblings & i wish every single one of you the best. i may post more about recovery, harm reduction, online ed communities, medical effects of ed's, how my life is going, what im up to, stuff im reading, maybe sm philosophy etc. etc. but idk if anyone wants to hear that or if it would be helpful idk let me know if you would be interested. sorry to the person who asked me a simple question & received an essay on a separate topic around 8 months later.

p.s. one more reason why you should attempt recovery (& this is the most important reason) your farts stop smelling like the the 3rd stage of bodily decay & decomposition!!!

here's sm links to academic articles talking about the psychological effects of starvation:

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wolferals · 4 years

Text

audition

Arón Piper imagine

saturday, january 18th 11:22pm • Today was Monday, August 22nd and all I've seen since 8am were wannabe actors reading their stupid lines to us pretending they were fucking Johnny Depp himself. God I was so sick of it, but since I've been grounded my dad made me cast people for this movie he was going to direct. Why were you grounded, you may ask. Well let's say, we just moved to Madrid basically to the end of the world since I grew up in America all my life. Yeah, my first days of school didnt really turn out to be super great, my english teacher was super racist in my opinion. She kept making „jokes" about my country/ and at some point i just snapped and told her how she dared to be so fucking racist. My class agreed with me yet my teacher didnt and put me in detention first and then called my dad. So yeah, thats why he's making me do this.

Some might think, its not a punishment to cast people for a „super cool movie" but have u ever been in a all white room for 10 hours listening to the same sentences over and over, being read by the worst people ever? No, exactly.

Its been exactly 4 hours now, its been around 12 when we decided to take a short break to get some food. I walked around the building for a while, grabbed a iced coffee at the bar and then sat down on a couch in the foyer to immediately text my friends from back home about how horrible i was feeling.

I didnt even get to text 5 words until my dad came around the corner saying something like:"Y/n, lets go. The people wont cast themselves. I mean they'd love to but that's our job." He then laughed loudly and almost couldnt stop. One thing about my dad: He thinks he's hilarious but in my opinion he's a little too full of himself. No offense, i love him of course.

Therefore I walked back to the cruel looking white room and sat down on my chair sipping my iced coffee. „Alright, next up, we have a Joshua Hamilton reading for the part of Jamey." I rolled my eyes. Yet again another Jamey. Ive heard the line:"No way Daniel, are you insane?! Have you even thought about the fact that you could get fucking killed?" about 50 times today.

And to be honest, the only person i'd like to get killed right now would be myself.

„Hello, my name is Joshua Hamilton, I'm 22 years old and I'll be reading for the part of Jamey." The tall, skinny looking guy then spoke after *extremely happy looking* entered the room. Well no offense but super happy people make me puke.

He then read his lines, horribly. He was just too enthusiastic and grinning through the entire thing. It was supposed to be a mad Jamey yelling at his brother who was about to attack his ex girlfriend's killer.

Dad then told him, they will call him. But lets be honest here, obviously they wont. • Alright so another 4 hours passed and we had almost all important characters casted, except Jamey. The crew was getting impatient and we were all super tired. „Dad how many are left?" I then asked because I wanted nothing more than this to end. „26." he answered, sounding annoyed. So was I. „Jeez, for fucks sake." I exclaimed and leaned back in my chair. „Y/n, watch your language!" He scoffed and took a sip of his water before leaning back as well.

„Okay next off we have a Arón Piper. He is Spanish-German, which wouldnt quite match with the way we pictured Jamey. But lets get the guy, kay?" Evan, the producer spoke after reading some reviews.

„Mhm." my Dad hummed. He seemed extremely tired and messed up to be fair.

As I said, I was annoyed and super damn hungry but the second this guy walked in, all my senses were on and I couldnt help but stare at him. He was tall, had curly hair, an earring on his left ear, chocolate brown eyes and a smile that could kill. „Hola,, I'm Arón." My dad seemed to like him too because he sat up straight scanning him up and down. „How old are you Arón?" Lucy, the executive producer asked him, smiling as well. „I'm 23." The handsome guy answered calm and sent me his billion dollar smile.

fuck • I smiled back and for whatever fucking reason I just said:"You must be working out, am I right?" Everyone looked at me but I didnt care, I just looked him right in the eyes and saw him laugh. „Y/n what the hell?" My dad whispered sounding pissed yet confused. „Jamey is a fit dude, he goes to the gym 6 times a week. We have to consider the fact that the actor has to be healthy and all as well." I tried to get out of the weird situation but actually I was just wishing for him to take off his shirt to show us -okay, me- his amazing abs I bet he had. „Uhm to be honest, I just dance, thats it. But you could call that a work out since Ive been doing it since I was 7 years old."

The others seemed impressed too, so Lucy cockily said:"So if acting wouldnt work, youd become a professional dancer?" Arón laughed again and answered:"Yeah, probably. But i havent even read my lines yet."

The entire time he was acting his lines, I was just staring at his god like face, every emotion, every move, every little change in his body language was perfect. My dad looked like he was impressed too and he then, after Arón had finished, spoke:"Thank you, Arón. That was amazing!" He smiled happily and answered fully paying attention:"Oh gracias, it means so much coming from you!" He walked up to my dad to shake his hand and then took back his portfolio. „Honey what do you think? Should we put him in round 2?" I looked over to my dad, took a glance at Arón who was smiling cutely at me. „Nah."

Everyone gave me a confused look and in Arón´s eyes I could see pure fear.

„I think we should give him the part.“

My dad smiled, nodded at me and then spoke:“Alright, Arón Piper, congratulations.“

Arón walked over to me and stuck his hand out for me to shake it. I slowly took his hand and, okay that might sound weird, but it felt so damn good to touch him. God I sound like a creep. No but for real his hand was a lot bigger than mine and really warm compared to my -always cold- claws. „Gracias." he said quietly and stared directly into my eyes while smiling. I wanted to say something like:"Of course, you deserve it, you were amazing." but i just couldnt, i wasnt able to look anywhere but into his beautiful brown eyes.

My dad saw that and cleared his throat loudly. „Thank you again Arón, we will call you next week for further information. But for now, since Jamey is the main male protagonist and we will be filming most of the scenes with you, we'd like to invite you and the other main actors to a dinner party tomorrow night. We hope you're free and we would text you further dates later on today."

-„Yes I'm free, that'd be amazing! Thank you so much! See you tomorrow then, bye guys." He grabbed his jacket from off the floor and left the room smiling brightly.

-„We've got it! We found, first of all the perfect Jamey, and we finally have all the actors, people!" Lucy shouted and sighed relieved. „Alright then, lets celebrate!" My dad exclaimed happily and the others stood up after him. „I'll be right out, I'll go to the bathroom real quick." I informed the guys and just simply hit the bathroom next to the audition room. When i checked back to see if the room had been locked, I noticed that a portfolio book was left on the table. I grabbed it, opened it and and noticed it was Arón's.

Right, he grabbed it before, then shook our hands and put it down again. Then he walked out without it.

So I quickly locked the door and ran through the building, past my dad saying:"Be right back." I figured, Arón couldnt have gotten very far, so I sprinted down the stairs, out of the front door of the building and i looked around if I might spot him. I then saw a guy that looked like him walking down the street towards a silver car and i ran as fast as i could to reach him.

„Arón!" I yelled and stopped once I finally reached him. „Yeah?" he was about to get in the car but turned around. „You forgot that." I passed him his book and tried to catch my breath real quick. „Oh god, thank you! I totally forgot about that. Gracias." He took it smiling.

While I was trying to breath, he opened the car door and said:"Just a second." Me, still dying from all the running, I was now leaning against a wall. „You okay?" -„Huh? Yeah. Im.. good." I was kind of embarrassed at how unathletic i was. „U sure?" he came closer and looked actually quite concerned. „Ya dont worry. Uhm.. See you.. tomorrow..at the.. party?" i tried to play it off and stood straight again Arón smiled again and answered:"Of course. Cant wait!" He then walked back to the car and sent me another smile before getting in.

Damn, this guy.

#aronpiper #aron x reader #elite #cute #casting acting #imagine

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