#idk how i am perceived and i honestly dont want to know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fatuismooches · 5 months

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i have been silent but that does not mean i have stopped thinking about dottore

based off of some fanart i saw, im like. 99.9999% sure zandik rarely heard any nice stuff said to him n i dont know why but i just. imagine this in my head. its such a tender, vulnerable and soft moment where zandik, probably akademiya or early fatui days, fits himself between your legs as he wraps his arms around your waist. his head laying comfortably on your thighs as he sits on his knees. its a moment that shows his trust, you know? allowing himself to be small before you, a rare act of submission to your love as your fingers play with his curls, palms warm and soothing as you cup his cheek. n' u just tell him things that he struggles to believe, like how he's so beautiful, and that you care about him, how he deserves to be loved even though he's perceived as a monster. and i dont know, but i wanna gently raise his head by his chin, softly smile at him and say "zandik, you're a good boy." because i know no one has ever ever said that to him, not even his parents.

healing his parental issues frrrr 💪💪💪 IS. IS THIS WEIRD??? IDK IT KINDA SOUNDS WEIRD BUT I DONT KNOW, IN MY HEAD THIS IS JUST. EVERYTHIN FOR ME.

this is just how i imagine zandik, honestly I DONT KNOW WHY BUT THE FANART I SAW FUCKS ME UP AND I WANNA CARE FOR HIM AND PAMPER HIM AND MAKE HIM FEEL THINGS NO ONE CARES ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM FEEL.

i want that boy to be treated like a pretty girl by taking him out on romantic dates and writing him love letters he's 100000% gonna keep, laminate and immortalize. i want to treat that boy like the fragile thing he is, hold him in my arms and kiss him so so gently.

ITS DRIVING ME NUTS.

oh yeah. totally not projecting onto zandik. NOPE. nuh uh. totallllyyyy....

THAT MENTAL IMAGE YOU'VE GIVEN ME... oh my gosh. i am so soft right now. Sniff sob... Zandik being so open and vulnerable in front of you :( OH EDBEWDWE HIM IN THAT POSITION IS MAKING ME CRY HE'S SO CUTE... you have no clue how you managed to get him to be so submissive but you're not going to say anything nor are you going to squander this opportunity. You're not even sure if he's comfortable like that, sitting on his knees but... he seems unbothered and quite actually, content with nuzzling his face into your thighs, having your hands run through his fluffy blue hair soothingly. For once, he is almost eerily silent, instead of being all fight and rebuttal all the time, as he doesn't seem to have a smart answer for your gentle words this time. It's new to you, not him vehemently denying your statements, but you're going to take advantage of it, holding his cheeks and kissing him all over, whispering in his ear softly but firmly about how much you love him and everything you love about him, and that you always will.

CALLING HIM A GOOD BOY... i am on the floor in a puddle and sobbing. Kai your brain >>> peak. But it makes me so sad to know that Zandik's literally never received any kind of positive form of affection all his life 😭 Not even his parents... like fuck I'm in pain for him. It took reader SO long to even break his first wall down (he has like a dozen probably) because of how poorly he was treated by the people who were supposed to "love" him :( he just really needs some love :( i think after a really long time, Zandik would come to really crave your appreciation sometimes. Like, he doesn't make it obvious or anything, but he'll do something like perhaps deal with some fellow scholars without snapping at them, or anything he doesn't really do in general, and look at you expectantly if you haven't praised him yet. Because you're the only one who has ever praised his efforts.

HE DESERVES TO BE PAMPERED SO BAD 😭😭 ugh i know Sumeru is mostly hot and you two can't have any cold bundled up days over there but. i love the idea of you two snuggling and sleeping in one morning. Both of you know you're gonna be late for class, but you're like, fuck it we're skipping. And Zandik scolds you, but he's making no effort to leave either! So... you two just stay in bed cuddling as you pamper him (you definitely were the big spoon quite frequently back then here 😭) Slow and lazy morning as you wash his hair and body in the bathe 🥺 breakfast that you made as he looks over his notes 🥺

Bro i can't even imagine Zandik's reaction to you trying to treat him like a pretty princess 😭 Even when you two are dating he just doesn't understand :( why do you go so far for him? What he gives you in return is far less than what you provide for him... he just doesn't understand, but it seems like you're wholly content with everything the way it is so... he won't let you go.

#smooches talks #moots: kai <3 #dottore love notes <3 #that image is the exact representation of me as well #AND DONT WORRY THIS WASNT WEIRD AT ALL!! i love it *hugs u* i will come and wrap u up in a blanket burrito myself #again this is zandik learning that not every relationship is transactional

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astrofiish · 1 month

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hmm I wonder who I should ask you about /silly I am genuinely curious on your Barnham characterization thoughts

Pick a character I am likely to have Feelings/Opinions about and I will give and explain the top five ideas/concepts/etc that I believe are essential to accurately depicting them.

HEHEHEHEHE ZACH BARNNNN I love that guy so much. Hes been through so much shit and hes being so so so gaslighted but he genuinely thinks hes doing the right thing. Idk hes so so compelling to me I really do wish that his story was actually explored more in game- he has a character arc of someone who learns to go against the norm and figures out that what he is doing is not good and incredibly immoral, but because they bench him for case 4, he really doesn't have the resolution that I feel should have been given to his character.

1. One of the top concepts that I feel is essential to depicting this guy (especially post-PLvsPW) is regarding how he perceives his status as a person. Hes an authoritative figure (even though hes left out of the Storyteller and Eves conversations, he's still a prosecutor and has power over the townspeople) and hes also famous in his own special Barnham Way TM (the townspeople fucking love him), but regardless of his fame hes very much "I do this for the whole town, instead of doing things for his own personal gain". Post Case 3 Barnham is fascinating to me because hes taking down the wall of his perceived status and doubting the system that hes very much a cog in the machine with, but I also love really exploring how that effects his relationships with the townspeople and how he thinks of himself. Like- for example, I feel that he would have a shit ton of imposter syndrome, especially because for so long he was considered a celebrity and he was held in very high importance. Post case 3 Barnham would be an overthinker, whos morals and ideas are crashing into each other SO so frequently, giving him a sort of identity crisis (which also continues into post-PLvsPW Barnham's story, especially after Labrelum's experiments are shut down)

THEREFORE I feel that a crucial part of post-PLvsPW Zacharias Barnham is understanding the consequences of doing the work to deconstruct the monarchy that he's been under and a part of for all of these years. Now that he knows that he's been left out of SO many conversations with Eve and The Storyteller, as well as also being mind wiped like his fellow civilians, he deserves to be really really fucking angry. And ofc all Labryinthian civilians deserve to be fucking angry at the Storyteller, but I wouldn't be surprised if Barnham took it VERY personally, especially because his judgements that he was handing down to people was ALSO a cog in the machine that he did not understand to the extent that he should have. To be fair, I do feel like if he did know about what was actually going on, and wasn't mindwiped, he would have said fuck this shit im out a long time ago.

I do feel like post PLvsPW he would feel more of an obligation to stay, because everyone is getting their memories back after such a long time of not having them, and they all need a lot of support. Zach Barn, although he is an authoritative figure in his own special way, would definitely want to help with getting the townspeople back on their feet. However, I do very much headcanon that he does eventually leave several years in the future- he no longer has the authority that he had before, and honestly I dont think the connections he had with the townspeople (before and after) were incredibly strong given that he was perceived both with status as well as with a celebrity like guise. Sure, he stays in Labryinthia for a year after, but I do feel that he does eventually gets out of Labryinthia (it takes quite a while for him to do so, however. I'll talk about that later)

2. This man is so fucking uncultured. Labryinthian Culture is such a fascinating subset of English culture, especially given that they're living in a strange microcosm of British culture, which is, at the same time, entirely separate. Theres so many people from so many different places being put into this program, and of course we dont know the substats of how many people from how many different places are IN labryinthia, but based on accents, etc, they seem to be mostly British/French. However, BECAUSE of that, and also because they're being very mind wiped, Zacharias doesn't know shit about the outside world. This man has to be introduced to what English politics is, what different countries are, how different people interact with each other, etc. given that they have been all gaslighted that Labryinthia is its own separate thing and that there is NOTHING outside of the wall. I would also consider him really shit in regards to certain celebrities or historical figures- he wouldn't know, for example, who the Prime Minister is or who *insert famous singers are*, and would have to be told. Like I do think he GAINS knowledge about what things are over time, but learning about things and culture outside Labryinthia would be a learning curve for him.

I also love to HC that over time he loses his stupid lil knight "accent" (/affectionate) (also idk if its an accent but its certainly the knight like sentence structure) post-PLvsPW if he ever moves to outside Labryinthia, but when hes either stressed or angry it comes out. (but that's a smaller lil headcanon)

3. He has had a REALLY SHIT EDUCATION from this lady who has HORRIBLE ideas and genuinely all of her advice is shit. Therefore, I feel that whenever he goes back to average society, he'll have problems with mundane things that most other people wouldn't have problems with. I've always headcanoned that his sister is Rouge and that he was brought in with his sister because both of them were orphans of some way shape or form, and therefore (if Barnham was a baby), he would have all of his reading and writing skills taught by a lady that (arguably) does not know what shes doing (he also mentions that he was taught by her in the special episodes, but I also feel that its important to mention how young Barnham was when he moved to Labryinthia.) I also think that Arthur would also make the learning curriculum teach him how to specifically do things in a formal knight-like manner, which would also fuck up his vocabulary to a degree. Educationally, Barnham has soooo much to learn, simply just because of the way he grew up.

4. Also, on another side of this, I feel that he would get really really excited (and also really really nervous) when traveling. I dont feel that hes a guy that likes being outside of his comfort bubble (and for example, he went outside of his bubble when going against the storyteller) but once he gets his metaphorical feet wet into traveling his mind would be BLOWN with how much there is in the world. Hes been stuck in his lil Labryinthian-sized sphere for all of his life, and outside of that he really doesn't know much. The world is an intimidating thing, but also something that (when he learns and gets comfortable with it) he would be fascinated to learn more about. It'll take several years until he's at the point where he can travel, simply because he would be stressed out about the idea of going out of his social sphere. But eventually he'd get there!

5. He really needs therapy. This guy needs. so much therapy. Theres so much gaslighting that has gone on in his life and he needs so so much help and support post Labryinthia because (IMO) the feeling of your whole world falling apart at the seams (especially BECAUSE he decided to poke and prod at the idea that the Storyteller is a bad man) is not something that anyone should experience. Thankfully he has the support of some of his friends, and he definitely has his sister to talk to and get to know again but It'll definitely be a journey for him.

---

ANYWAYS IVE RAMBLED ENOUGH I hope this makes any lick of sense (Im writing this somewhat quickly- that last point wasn't as good but you have a whole essay to read so I'll let you read all of that). Most of this is all post plvspw stuff cause I find post plvspw barnham FASCINATING and I wanna go into that a lot more in the future- Before PLvsPW Barnham feels so consistent, but post PLvsPW is a whole ball of Barnham trying to figure out his whole life and his whole personality and status all over again from the beginnning.

#zacharias barnham #zach barn #plvspw

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stood-onthecliffside · 7 months

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thoughts on beach89? photos, themes and titles of vault tracks?

ohhhhhh i LOVE this question i think

this post by @sayitslove and this post by @taylortruther are beautifully done and worth a read!

anyways now the photos -> i think they are appropriate as to what the vaults may sound like! the 'tip toeing' one and 'ballerina' gives me very very heavy mirrorball vibes when no one is around, my dear you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes// i'm still on that tightrope i'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me,,, i also think in hindsight 1989 as an album + era was very mirrorball in itself (getting more and more slut-shamed because she was gaining a lot of fame, trying a new genre especially when tons of people wanted to fail including her label being label discouraging and country people especially men perceiving her as a threat, she was as a girlie in her 20s was going through refer to her billboard speech 'you think i am dating to much? okay here is an album about friendship. you think that my music boring and repetitive? okay here is an entire shit of genre' etc etc).

the screaming one -> just the last american dynasty vibes all the way and miss americana and the heartbreak prince although it can be argued that they are very interchangeable songs! i mean she was portrayed as 'an evil woman' who never apologises holds a grudge is and a 'man hater' and writes about her relationships only. so it is so fitting for 1989.

the ice cream one -> is actually my favourite cause it perfectly meshes the suburban or beach and the city which means that she is embracing both sides. this edit by @hits-differently is so telling! given that they all (public during 1989) are calling her a 'slut!' yet she is so unbothered.

the vault tracks

'slut!' -> as i have been saying that i have a feeling that new romantics is going to transition into slut (production-wise) and it would cover all the 'rumours' as mentioned about in new romantics,, i personally think it would be very 1989 as we know it because the core theme of og has always been addressing the wild accusation and just beating the narrative made by the public. i think this edit by @dancingwiththecoven explains it well,, almost as if taylor is acknowledging a word that was used against her and giving it a new meaning.

say dont go -> i am assuming it to have the themes of all you had to do was stay and how you get the girl! i think it is going to be how the story is over but she is still rooting for the two of them. i know this not going to happen but i would love to see first taylor repeating dont go dont go in a pleading voice with a phone call effect on it and then a choir joining it until it is just her again saying that again and again in a high pitched voice and then suddenly it stops (like the calling being cancelled)

now that we dont talk- this like lowkey throwing me off because it feels like a sad song but i have a feeling that she might be a bop with sad lyrics yes but with out of pocket lyrics as well. something like now that we dont talk i have clinging onto your best friend lips every night or something idk!

is it over now-> again feels like a sad song may not but seem like a letter being addressed to the fire situation where she writes a long ass message but deletes it. might go on a limb and say we might get an electric guitar on this.

suburban legends -> i am actually very very excited for this! i do see this as a sad bop honestly as i was saying to @alwaysleadstoyou a month before it gives me the vibes of astronomy by conan gray. defo see it as two lovers who grew apart, although they didn't want to and although they were so talked about and everyone's favourite couple in the suburb (re champagne problems) they moved on but no one else did. lyrics seems like cowboy like me and dorothea,,, production false god.

now the transition from city to beach is a controversial one; i almost dont care. i understand how the beach is more suitable for the 'new taylor' as growth, and understand that the beach makes more sense now that she is older and wiser(especially with out of the woods mv i.e., meeting herself on the beach she is finally clean etc etc). while i understand that others would want the bustling noisy city as she is re-recording NOT making a new record! and the opener does start with welcome to new york.

i just think that she moved to the beach because the vaults match the vibe more with it and just rolled with that. also, i cannot find my post before 1989tv was announced cause of tumblr system but i think it sums this up perfectly she can go anywhere she wants just not home because she left a part of her back in new york to a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there

[sorry for the very late reply nonie! but i was invested!]

#taylor swift #1989 taylor's version

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havinghorns · 11 months

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Hi, happy Friday!

Serious transition related Q. As always, up to your discretion to answer.

You've talked a bit about passing/not passing and how people react to/assume your gender.

I just started T and I feel like its not unlikely I'll end up in a similar zone of trans masc. I dress flamboyantly and my presentation is fluid. I know what my medical transition goals are, but I've been mulling over the social parts for the past few weeks.

I'm also neurodivergant and trying to figure out, what social norms might change depending on how im perceived and will those changes be awkward uncomfy like when I do neurodivergant things in public, or will they put me in danger as more visibly trans, has been puzzling. I'm curious how differently assumed identities affect how people treat you? I feel like voice drop should help a lot with interactions with strangers, but I also have long hair and am not very tall etc. I'm used to being perceived as a 'wrong type' of woman and socialized that way. I want that to change but I honestly don't know what direction that'll go in.

If you have any thoughts or resources on the topic I'd really appreciate it.

Hmm I mean, it's a little hard to answer because obviously it'll be really individual and really dependant on your own environment.

Like my job is almost entirely queer in terms of staff so there's really no difference in how any gender or expression is interacted with socially. With patients I do sometimes struggle with being seen as younger than j am and not being taken seriously, which I honestly get madder about than any gender perception lol. My current friends/partners have always known I'm trans so there's been no change there either.

Out and about, I mostly still get seen as a weird, unattractive woman, which essentially makes you invisible--something I personally don't mind. At worst (so far) I'll get a doubletake or stink eye in the bathroom, or moved over to the "female" pat down line for a concert, and I'm non confrontational enough to shrug and take it bc what difference does it make. But I also live in a pretty LGBTQ frienfly city. I do stress out about how to dress when I travel, and try to go for a more distinctly "gay man" style which feels like the lesser possibility of getting the shit best out of me but not offending my own vanity (I'm an idiot)

IDK I dont really have advice, some days are easier than others and I'm figuring it out day by day too. Pick your battles, my usual mantra is "If I'm never going to see this person again, it's not worth correcting them on my name/pronouns" but I'm also a weenie IRL lol.

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transdib · 6 months

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every day i live in a passive limbo, waiting for the moment i suddenly feel better and can confront my anxiety, paranoia, and loneliness.

i feel like i have been shattered, and left in pieces with no glue to be put back together.

every day my existentialism and history of being gaslit dominates my brain and i can never make sense of my thoughts and feelings. i am constantly second-guessing myself, and implanting intentions that weren't previously there. i feel like i am required to have constant self-awareness, and to not have so means that i am Obviously Insane and Unsalvagable.

people on the outside would think im just a very holistic thinking person. which is true, and can be a good thing. but honestly? it's detrimental to how i perceive myself. i cannot unabashedly live in the moment of anything. i am, by default, viewing myself from a third person perspective in a hyper critical way. i feel afraid to fall into any category of people or labels, because to claim anything about myself is felt to either be a lie, a mockery of people who are "really" that thing, or it's attention seeking (which of course is the worst thing you could ever do right?)

even claiming to be existential causes a fear and anxiety that i am being pretentious or not self aware that it's a very human experience. my detachment from the world, my trauma, my existentialism, none of it is important or matters because others experience it too.

i cannot begin to describe what gaslighting does to the brain.

what it's done to me.

i dont even wanna claim ive become very isolated because others also experience it. id say the lockdowns from 2020-2021 triggered this, but i think more and more and realise that i wouldve done this when my mum died, or even earlier had i not had a confident person with friends take me under their wing.

i feel my whole life has come into question. i feel like my old home, my old life, my friends and pet and loved ones, dont exist anymore. i feel like im a dead person, looking back on their life and realising who i really was. all the mistakes and inconsiderate behaviours i ever done. it just fuels the fire of the gaslit brain.

everything i ever do or feel is a contradiction. i dont matter to others, but i also have more of an impact on others than i realise. the impact i have matters more than what im ever feeling, and for me to not be self aware of that clearly demonstrates how selfish and horrible i truly am.

maybe it's why people think im such a giving, non-judgemental, and sweet person. im not. im angry. im subjugated. im frightened. like a deer in the headlights, i have no choice. im easygoing and agreeable because i am scared of disagreeing or giving my thoughts through normal debate. because doing so in the past has caused assumptions about me, or intentions skewed or created. my words did not matter, but also they did.

i dont know how to just. start talking to people again. i have been given advice from people who have dealt with isolation but. i know the secret is to challenge yourself and do things even when you dont feel ready, because youll never feel ready, but how? i have lost so much. i dont have the support i need to do something so brave. because i am a coward who avoids and runs away. thats probably manipulative for me to do anyway. ive dug myself into a hole i cant climb out of. ive literally made it worse for myself for no reason. and now i cant even face the consequences of my own inaction.

but why would i wish for people to be there for me when i cant even be there for them? i know i would be there for them, in a heartbeat, but i cannot right now. thats selfish and manipulative to say i guess but. it's not fair that others dont get considered as a result of me not considering myself. mental illness makes you selfish. it makes you not a good friend.

i want to be a real friend.

dont wanna break when i bend.

.....

i have a therapist im gonna be seeing every 2 weeks. if this doesnt work out, then idk what i'll do. i have settled for the most part, and when life feels good, when my roots are grounding and growing in england, it feels good. i dont have many friends here, but i am happy with my partner and his friends, but it feels like i have so many loose ends and a life i have left behind that i cant face. and i am guilty when i experience happiness, let alone share it. because that doesnt align with my narrative that im suffering. which i am, but, i am also trying to survive and live in the life i currently have.

i guess that's what happens to the gaslit brain.

but i have to believe things will get better.

because if i don't

then what?

#life of doge #negative rtshrthrth #tw for abuse or gaslighting or whatever #idk why im posting this this is such a traumadump im sorry #its long and self pitying im sorry

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blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda · 8 months

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thinking about how so much of mental health recovery is self forgiveness and allowing yourself to move on and how (having been raised in religious shame structure) not being able to can really trap you into patterns if you don’t. im about to make this about that vampire show lmao. i tried not to. i didn’t even expect this. i was gonna just do a to delete personal post. but whatever. you don’t have to read. but, there’s so much shame in being unwell. all religion teaches you in that anyone of “sin” is deserving of instability, of punishment, unhappiness of hell. then religions tell people to turn that voice inwards and name it their governing god voice. thats so damaging.

my mind is whizzing with religious trauma thoughts in amc iwtv. as well as mental health aspects given how i’ve been and i haven’t really done wtf your call this in a while and i’m really too shrouded in the shame of being unwell to even feel like i should say anything at all anymore. i’m pushing through bc that’s honestly the problem.

that’s what i see reflected in louis. suffering silently bc you might be the hell you can’t escape bc the magnitude you’re experiencing it makes you feel like you must deserve it. if it’s you then what else could there be. doesnt seem like even what’s good can come without hell-in-tow. in his line of work, in his life with his family, in the only way he could be with jonah, in lestat, in claudia. hell is always right there where the good things are. and then everywhere you look the thought is it’s reinforced. religion indoctrinates in you that good is for those who are pure. louis was never afforded pure. even tho it’s actually an injustice and pure is a tool for exclusion and hatred etc. etc. sometimes even when you know that, even when you have the awareness of how unfair it is to be held to a standard never meant for you, it doesnt mean shame isnt effective.

im thinking about shame and self-flagellation in louis. someone on here once pointed out how louis might have thought he was really losing it where lestat was concerned, with all his tricks, and how that was probably why he didn’t want to look at it head on. i get that observation bc of the shame and i also get the appeal and seduction of just letting the mind go with whatever it is if you’re receiving something you’ve been starved of for a long time. bc sometimes losing your mind feels like chains falling and bounds expanding. and it’s all so alluring especially when the state of your mind is as a result of the rigidness of society and life around you. and then the shame that comes for what you perceive yourself to have allowed when things go to hell. especially when it seems like hell is a rapid endless thing with infinite ways to show you all you ever wanted decay before your very eyes bc trauma is death and death is trauma and this is the death and trauma show.

and religions determine what death is in your mind’s eye. and religious shame is a spider cocooning you and telling you to think yourself a butterfly all the while. how do you forgive yourself from there? and if you can’t can you even look at the full scope of your situation? what if the shame is a dead brother, a town burning, estrangement with relatives, abuse/victimhood, a dead sister/daughter all things that were core values to have a certain way. all things that you defined yourself by and the good times (sarcastic) keep on rolling. what hurts the most sometimes is what you did or didn’t do. idk that i have anything else to say. im getting to the point within myself where i keep thinking “who even cares” so imma stop here. bc i’d like to share before i convince myself to delete. but just if your out there struggling with mental health shit i hope you forgive yourself for things you’re holding onto out of shame. not even just as a self kindness but also bc you deserve to and progress is hindered if you dont in my opinion. i am not a professional. this is simply from what i’ve experienced/observed. if you got beef with yourself and you prefer to take it to your grave. do your thing. im just a username on this thing.

#itwv #kinda #louis de pointe du lac #personal shit mostly #cause why were you on the spider’s web? only the web is designed to catch you #mw posts

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zgvlt · 2 years

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ngl it really makes me happy hearing that ppl like him since he gets a lot of slander lol (from 🐑 anon's ask)

i dont even know why he gets so much hate😭 like yeaaah hes a little annoying but isnt everyone from the twst cast annoying in some way? i think he deserves more love bc oh my god,,,, we sebek lovers starved😭 im eating up any sebek content i can see —💅

also i think we deserve a sebek with his hair down on a card.

[ referencing this ask where i talk about sebek for a bit ]

hmm it probably has a lot to do with (1) his volume, he's perceived as annoying and loud, so the idea of tuning someone like him out is, yeah, to quote an anon, "earplugs", and (2) malleus' popularity in EN, which does make me laugh a bit bc a lot of malleus fans sort of act like sebek? (not a callout, not saying it's a bad thing! just an observation! need to clarify so i don't get attacked wawawa i love sebek so just take it as a compliment pls) and yk (3) the human calling thing, which is the reason i understand the most.

idk basically unless you actually read about sebek and dive into his stories i feel like a lot of people just pass it off as him being "i am above you because i am fae and all there is to me is worshipping malleus" and not where the real juice with his character is (though honestly his worship of malleus is interesting to look into when you connect it to his familial background and the implications with it)

but also i just find everything about sebek interesting 🤷‍♀️

sebek is so cute tho sobs he cries easily and and he's kinda gullible and 🥺🥺 i'll save the rest for when i write a new fic lol

no but IKR the ONLY reason i started writing twst fics was bc i got so SICK of how little sebek content there was, legit when i wrote my first fic i wasn't sure if i'd ever post writings consistently i just wanted to share that i liked sebek and kind of leave it there but this and that happened and now i post like a fic a month lol, 2 if you're lucky

h...hair down sebek for... for club attire? he needs a helmet right?? so the hair must be SOMEWHAT down right??? maybe maybe he takes off the helmet in the groovy and starts crying or or maybe for his event ssr idk WHAT event but but maybe a styled outfit and he doesn't style it up and starts crying again

#i should start a tag for when i just ramble abt sebek #🐊: sebek zig⚡ ramblings #ill tag my older posts tom lol #but yeah i get WHY ppl dont like him but it still does feel kinda sad #ppl are allowed to not like characters but seeing mischaracterization or dumbing down charas to one trait mark suckersberg #—nathyask #💌: 💅 anonnie

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scalpelsister · 2 years

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its oversharing hour on tumblr. cr3 spoilers below but im not tagging this bc i dont want it in the main tags. (again, really oversharing on this one, don’t reblog obvi haha, but feel free to comment or whatever)

god i have so many thoughts. too many thoughts. i think most people know that I am a laudna stan + have def done my fair share of projecting onto her w/ mental illness (schizophrenia and a little bit o ptsd). Like as part of schizophrenia, I experience cotards- for me specifically I often have both delusions and hallucinations surrounding my body rotting, or about me being undead- this was something that started in my second psychotic episode ~ 2020. I connect with undead characters, especially ones who show any sign of goodness, because I often perceive myself as being literally undead. Seeing an undead character in my favorite show- especially after seeing Sylvanas Windrunner being utterly fucked over and villainized wrongfully- was such a comforting thing for me inherently. Like Laudna was a source of hope for me- shes undead, shes weird, people might judge her for being weird or monstrous, but shes loved so deeply. Like it was a reassurance that people like me could be good and kind and be loved and have friends. That there really was hope for traumatized corpse people after all (again, keep in mind, that the last traumatized corpse person I connected with ended up having the writing team say no actually, shes evil for being a traumatized corpse, and deserves to take her own life and go to hell).

My energy rn is not letting me word things how I want to, but I can’t stress enough how important it was to see an undead who had severe trauma and heard voices in her head and was weird and off putting to most people who didn’t try to get to know her. To see her unashamedly love weird morbid creepy shit and see her embrace at least some of her weirdness. And to then see her be genuinely, deeply loved (esp by another woman. hashtag lesbianism or whatever), and be appreciated for being who she is, not despite of it. Like idk maybe its the trauma / abandonment trauma in me showing, but seeing Imogen go back to her, seeing others be unafraid to share a bed with her, seeing others show concern about HER rather than fear of her when Delilah shit happened. Like the amount of times I’ve opened up about my voices- not even bad things they say, but just having them to be met with ‘are you like... homicidal? like are you going to hurt me?’ or the gem of ‘yeah I care about you but idk if I can trust you now that I know that. You will never be allowed around my future kids if I’m not there, because you’re dangerous. Like thank you for sharing but I’m going to go now and think about it before you hurt me or something’. Like its such a low bar but shes honestly the only character I can even think of or name that wasn’t villainized or hated or otherwise had the narrative imply their life was meaningless / wrong / they where better of dead just for being like me. Like I know this may not connect with many others but its so alienating and isolating to see other people like you demonized again and again and again in fiction and seeing the same message of ‘the death of people like you is worth celebrating’ all over the place. I can’t possible put into words how meaningful it is to have even on character break that mold. To hear /anyone/ much less one of my fave actresses on my fave show (which-has been my favorite since long before I experienced cotards to clarify) that being like this and just being alive and trying to love others regardless was worth celebration. That there is hope and love waiting in the future.

I think thats why her death is hitting me so hard. I just want to see ONE character like me make it to their happy ending. Just one to say that my life doesn’t have to be a tragedy.

And I think thats why people are pissing me off SO BAD by insisting she will come back alive / not undead, that it would so cool and fun to see all of that erased. I don’t want that to be erased. Its utter total bullshit to say it would be more interesting or more impactful to see her ‘properly’ alive and not have voices anymore and forget her loved ones and how much they love her. I want her back as she was. I don’t care if others think shes broken or gross or that she should get to be alive again or whatever. She’s been alive this whole time. She’s had a soul this whole time. There’s nothing fucking wrong with her, stop trying to fix her or uno reverse her being different. It was already interesting and meaningful that she WAS different and that it wont go away and that that’s fucking ok and doesn’t make her worthless or bad or unlovable. Shut the fuck up please.

#suicide tw #(mentioned in relation to a different character from a different fandom. its complicated lmao)#(not graphic but does touch on suicide happening)#having a rough one on tumblr dot com rn lmao #I may or may not have ugly cried the whole time I wrote this #my post

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roostertuftart · 2 years

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no cuz its funny how last week or two you were saying how tired you were at how tense the fandom was or something then now youre willingly stirring shit rofl; its not like i dont disagree or anything but you have such a talent for sounding and being aggressive. have you ever thought about the root of the tensity you were feeling is becasuse you start and surround yourself with situations that make you feel like this?

I have thought about that! I've been trying to avoid discourse for that reason, especially over things that feel more minor or issues that aren't drastically abhorrent. However, I don't want to just avoid ever having difficult conversations or being open to discussions about serious matters, and I honestly think I've been pretty open this whole time, I've just haven't had my mind changed? If you'd like to point to what I did that was so aggressive, I will consider working on it in the future as I know I can be blunt (kind of related to being autistic but I am working on it) and sometimes not realize how I come off.

Like, genuinely I am trying not to be rude and I can't see how I have been up to this point. I've disagreed with what I'm assuming is maybe you or some other people but I've tried to be friendly and open to thoughts and I'm not sure what more you want of me?? lol idk man. If you're going to criticize me please actually tell me what I did wrong because perceived hypocrisy over me being upset open discussions have been more limited or difficult to engage in lately doesn't contradict with me having an open discussion but sticking to what I believe, and if it really is just my tone putting you off I need to actually know what was offensive about it or I can't fix it.

#ask #anon

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