#idk how i managed to finish it in two days i was so afraid it would take up half of the week

[imsilay]

LETHAL

NSFW! mdni, cw: possessive behavior, somnophilia, drugging, stalker!König, obsessive König (idk lmk if i forget anything)

word count: 1.5k

summary: he was picky and he picked you.

next chapter here

art cr: Tava_tavatic on twt

You were doing the dishes as he was watching you from the apartment building next door which had a wonderful view of your bedroom and kitchen. He had seen enough to know many things about you and your life. You left your house at 10 AM every day and returned at 8 PM. You were a homebody, never wanting to leave your home aside from work and you only had your cat for company. You lived alone in a nice house and didn't often have friends over. He couldn't see any guys when your friends came by, meaning you were single, perfect.

He could even hear the music you were playing while doing the dishes. Your delicious-looking lips moved in time with the song, mumbling the lyrics. He couldn't tear his eyes off your lips. Focusing on them and imagining how they would taste. Perhaps blackberry? He had seen the lip balm you bought a few days before when you complained about how dry your lips were in the winter. Would you let him taste it and find out? Would you even look at him after discovering what he did?

His thoughts were cut off when you finished cleaning the dishes and embraced your cat, it was bed time. His gaze was glued on your back as you left the kitchen and disappeared into your living room, and then reappeared in your bedroom. He knew every part of your house. His heart raced when you put the cat down on your bed and then began removing your shirt revealing the curves of your body and the black bra he was stupidly fond of. He moved closer to the window without realizing it. Crossing his arms to stop the aching feeling to touch your smooth skin, his fingers dug into his arms when you finally tossed the shirt somewhere in your room, probably onto the chair, and then threw yourself onto your mattress.

Yawning and getting comfortable with your cat, it purred and get its place next to you. He wishes it was him… Curling next to you falling asleep with the warmth of your body. But it was impossible, cause he was just your sweet neighbor that you only had small chats, cause he was fucking massive and probably would take the majority of the space of your bed. You eventually fell asleep, he checked his watch. Just in time.

Well maybe it wasn’t that impossible…

He continued his observation for a few more minutes but he was unable to contain himself anymore. He had to be with you. He had to feel you, your body, your hair, the curve of your waist and hips. He wanted to touch your lips, but he was afraid that if he kissed you he would just get lost into them and fuck you there.

He shook his head and pulled himself out of his thoughts before they got dirtier. He grabbed the keys of his and your house and made his way to your apartment. After entering your home and closing the door behind himself, he took his sweet time to breathe in the smell. It was full of you, it made his head spin and heart race. This was his first time coming into your house when you’re there. You were so introverted and had barely any friends. You were living happily in your small world, that was until he came.

The man was over two meters and had on a strange looking mask. He immediately drew your attention because he just looked like some game characters you played. At first he was distant, cold. His icy-blue eyes were intimidating but somehow inviting. You were the first to start the conversation with him, asking about his work. You two became closer with time but it was never too friendly. He was just some neighbor you knew. But he wanted more. Much more.

So after many months of observation and gaining a lot of information about you, he managed to copy your keys. He would come into your house and feed your cat with treats making his presence known and loved. Unfortunately just with your cat. But now his dreams were coming true. He had given you some homemade cookies. And poor you accepted them without any suspicion and now you were on your bed, in a deep sleep, as he walked into your room. Your cat immediately noticed him.

But he was too mesmerized by your sleeping form on the bed that he was frozen in his place. The cat meowed loudly, drawing his attention to it, he gave it some treats he brought with him. Everything was planned. When the cat was out of the room and the door of your bedroom was locked, he walked to your bed. He was finally here. Right next to you as you slept beautifully. He swallowed thickly and sat on the bed. The bed made a squeaking noise with his weight.

You looked even more pretty this close. His gaze lingered on your face; his breath hitched when his gaze stopped on your lips. He reached out a hand and brushed the strands of hair off your face. He was so nervous that his hands were shaking when he touched your hair. It was as soft as he imagined it would be. He tucked your hair behind your ear; his fingers lingered on your jaw before stopping on your chin and tilting your head up just a little, just so he could see your face better. Your lips parted and a soft sigh escaped from your lips when he did; his heart skipped a beat.

You continued to sleep, without noticing the man's touch on your face, thanks to the cookies. His thumb caressed your lips. He closed his eyes for a moment and bit his lower lip. He was holding the urge to give into his feelings, to give in to his desires and take you just then, in that moment. But he had to be patient. He wanted your first time together to be special, like you deserved. But it was turning him on so much to see you in that vulnerable state. He just wanted to tore of your bra and see what’s underneath. Then move to your sleeping shorts and take them off along with your panties so he could eat you out until you cum or wake up. He wondered what your expression would look like.

But still… it was just his fantasies. It caused him pain physically. “Scheiße, Maus.” he mumbled with a sigh. He took of his mask with his still trembling hands and put it on your nightstand, then took of his boots placing them on the floor next to your bed. He was ready to curl up with you. He climbed next to you, close. So close that you felt his breath on your face. His heart was beating like crazy now. His hands found your waist. “Gott.” he hissed when he felt how soft your skin was. His arms snaked around your waist and drew you close until your body fit perfectly with his, lips only centimeters apart. “Mine.” he growled. He felt like he was going to have a heart attack because the proximity of your body. Your body was almost disappeared inside his arms. It only made him want to protect and posses you.

His fingers caressed your skin as he watched your face closely. To memorize everything about you. He even tried to count your eyelashes. It was stupid but he was just too lost in your beauty. One of his hands found yours and put it on his face. Like you was caressing his cheek. It was pathetic but he was too desperate for your affection. He left your hand on his cheek and his hand found your back. His fingers tracing up and down on your spine then eventually stopped on the clasp of your bra. “Nein, not now.” he scolded himself with his eyes frowned. His gaze found your lips again and softened. He wanted- no he craved to kiss you. Your lips looked delicious.

He swallowed and closed his eyes promising himself that he would stop after a taste. When he opened his eyes, he was determined to contain himself; to show restraint. So, his hand was on your chin again, tilting your head up to meet his lips. When his lips brushed against yours, he took in a sharp breath; like someone just hit him with a bat, kissing you felt like it. His hand on your waist pulled you closer, as close as he could. His kiss started slowly, with all of his love and affection; with all of his feelings. But the craving... the craving only grew. His whole body shook as he stole your breath. The determination of containing himself was no where to be found with his morals. He moaned into your mouth and his cock throbbed. His hands traveled down and big palms covered your hips. The kiss was sloppy and hungrier now. He was too lost into heaven. You were his heaven.

a/n: please support me by reblogging, if you liked the content ofc<3

Stalker König has a special place in my heart. this is definitely my favorite work. also i post everyday -sometimes 2 posts in a day- so if you follow me i won’t disappoint ;)

i’m so sleepless so i’m just gonna post this and post the rest tomorrow.

#konig x you #könig smut #könig fanfiction #könig x reader #könig x y/n #konig cod #konig smut #konig x reader #konig x y/n #könig #i know it’s könig #konig #konig mw2 #konig imagine #stalker #tw stalking #obsessive könig #stalker könig #silay

[fairhye]

after school

ayato x m!reader ★

cw: modern!au, rotting, reader has a dick, uuhhh idk how to tag this

another day of school meant another day of your classmate and friend, ayato, teasing you. the things he says sometimes make you question whether or not he’s holding back trying to kiss you right there on the spot.

his usual teasing somehow lead to the both of you in your room..unbuttoning each others pants. something about…‘who’s more sensitive than the other.’ it was probably just an excuse for him to finally see you so relaxed.

he’s so close. you could smell that intoxicating perfume of his all around you as he fumbled with your zipper. his own cock looking more than ready, tip red ‘n begging for some sort of friction.

that stupid zipper of yours finally came undone, and the man wasted no time in pressing himself against you. the feeling of his tip touching yours nearly sent you over the edge, and he hadn’t even touched it yet!

ayato leans down towards you ear and whispers, “don’t be afraid to let yourself go..i won’t be holding back.” giving you that signature smile of his, he moved his hand down to where your cock heads met—wrapping his hand around the both of them.

his touch is so soft. almost too soft, as he slowly and lazily rubs his hand up and down. the addition of both of your pre making it much more easier. ayato manages to hold eye contact with you while he watches how you squirm and rut your hips up every so often whenever his hand goes all the way down.

ayato finds you so adorable like this; face flushed, and trying your hardest to not let any moans or weird sounds slip out. he can tell you’re close-so is he. his hand sped up as his pants grew louder and louder.

it wasn’t long before you both spilled on his hand, loud panting filling the room. you couldn’t even face him, much too ashamed of how you just came from your friends’ hand. ayato didn’t seem to mind, still slowly moving his hand to ride out his high.

you clear your throat and try to think of something to change the direction of wherever this was going, “..um..how about we start on homework now..?” you suggest, face still flushed and trying your best not to look at the mess you two made.

the blue haired man quickly sobered up and nodded in approval, not before getting one last good stroke in. “we’ll be finishing this later then, yes?” he asked, looking straight into your eyes. how could you possibly tell him no..?

❔ all works proudly owned by fay/@fairhye

#❄️—fairhye writes #❕—fays works #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #genshin x male reader #ayato kamisato #kamisato ayato #ayato x reader #genshin impact x male reader #kamisato ayato x reader #kamisato ayato x male reader #ayato x male reader #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #modern au #frotting

[what-even-is-thiss]

hi! if this is too personal i completely understand if you just delete it or something, but you're like the transmasc person i see the most on here so i thought i'd ask you.

i've been thinking about going on T at some point in the near future (don't have access right now but will relatively soon). i'm scared to take the leap, and i'm kinda scared of like... the process? idk i was wondering if you could share like... some of the gradual things that you start to see? i think i'm afraid of just waking up one day and seeing like "oh my god i'm a man suddenly" but realistically i know the changes are slow and gradual.

so i guess my question is how does it feel/what is it like to see those gradual changes and what can be expected? tysm and again no worries if this isn't something you want to talk about :)

So you need a second puberty talk, huh?

Well everybody experiences different things at different rates but here’s what’s up.

In the first week to month:

Your throat may start hurting and/or your voice might start cracking. This means your voice is changing. Your voice could drop slowly and gradually or you could wake up one day with a lower voice. The tone of your voice before T generally won’t tell you how deep your voice will be. Your voice could barely change or it could get really deep. It’s the same for cis men. This is all normal.

Your clitoris will start growing. This is generally one of the first changes you’ll notice in the first two weeks. It may hurt a bit while it’s growing or it may not. It may grow more sensitive or it may not.

You may start smelling different. The things that may smell different range from your sweat to your pee to your vagina. You generally don’t smell worse. Just different.

You might notice a difference in your sex drive and sex and masturbation in general. You may want sex more. You may want sex less. You may want sex with different types of people or the same types of people. Your orgasms may feel different. It may be easier or harder to orgasm. You may wish to inspect your growing junk. This is all normal.

About 2-4 months in:

Your voice will likely have lowered noticeably by the end of 3-4 months, but it won’t be done changing yet. Your singing voice may be very off key or difficult to control. This will even out with practice and as your new voice settles but it could take a while.

Your period will likely be uneven and unpredictable at this point. If you’re lucky it may stop altogether. It’s probably smart to keep carrying panty liners and pads for a while in case of random spotting.

You might get acne and other annoying changes to your skin. That’s puberty.

Your fat will likely start moving around at this point to different areas but it will take a while for it to finish.

You might notice more hair in general around your body at this point. You might not.

You may be sweating more. This is a puberty thing.

It may be slightly easier for you to gain muscle now if you’re the sort of person who works out

One year in:

Your clitoris will likely have stopped growing and top out at 1-2 inches long

Your period will likely have stopped completely at this point

Your body hair and beard won’t be fully filled in to where it will be years from now but you’ll likely be shaving or managing a stringy puberty beard by now.

Your hairline will likely have receded a bit by this point. This doesn’t automatically mean you’re losing your hair. Men’s hairlines tend to be further back than women’s. It’s smart to keep track of that though if it matters to you.

Your body will still be changing but passing will likely be much easier by this point.

Your voice will likely have settled a bit but you may still need to work on your singing voice more if that’s something that’s important to you.

By this point you’ll likely have an accurate idea of how T has affected your sexuality and sex drive, if at all.

Reminder that things happen at different rates for everyone. It’s puberty so it’ll take a long time. You may still notice changes 3-4 years in.

[saikokirakira]

We're Not Married Yet [Jake Lockley x Reader]

word count: 2.5k

summary: you received nothing but radio silence from your partners for months. one day, jake comes home and calls you by an unknowingly offensive endearment. your insecurity acts up, and jake won't give up control until he fixes it.

a/n: more ANGST. MORE! *insert kylo ren meme* don't worry though. it's just miscommunication. also, it's time for our boy jake to shine and show his simpery. and the thought of this fic came from listening to "porque" by maldita and also finding out that querida is an endearment in spanish. in filipino, it means the complete opposite opposite – a married man's lover/mistress.

warnings: can be standalone; ANGST with fluff ending; hurt and comfort; separation anxiety/fear of abandonment; miscommunication/language barrier; insecurity in a poly-relationship (hinting at my wife layla in the loop as well); jake lockley is a simp and kinda romantically intense; use of chavacano (spanish-creole filipino language) by a non-speaker (so idk how it would translate for jake who is fluent in spanish) (just assume he does understand it lol)

It has been months. Months since Marc woke up and said Khonshu needed him somewhere. He and the god insisted that you stay home after a little mishap got you seriously injured from the last mission. You didn’t argue.

You just wished that there wasn’t any radio silence between you and them. When the first week passed, you managed to find out that they were with Layla, but neither of them bothered to call. They just left you to be the goldfish sitter. Not that you minded that much at first. You knew that Marc was still bothered over the fact that he accidentally killed Real Gus.

During the first month, you thought you were going crazy. You stopped by every day at Steven’s flat to feed the Gus-es and check his tank. Then you’d make yourself some tea and call out, “Do you want one, Steven?” before realizing that you were alone.

Halfway through the third month, you somewhat grew accustomed to the routine. Sometimes, you would spend the night at his flat, not because it was easier – it was harder actually – but because you were afraid that you might forget them. It was a silly thing to worry about, but you didn’t want to be so used by their absence that the feelings would just go away.

You used to have a whole speech on what to yell at them the moment one of them steps through that door, but now… you weren’t quite sure what to say. You’d be lucky if you’d get a word out as a matter of fact. Maybe you could get a slap in.

They came back on the last week of the fourth month.

You just finished cleaning the two Gus’ filter, which probably took longer than you should have. You felt like you were running slow when you woke up that morning. Putting on music on the speakers, you had planned to make a quick sandwich for lunch then curl back in bed.

Bakit sa’yo pa nagkagusto? // Why did I like you out of everyone else?

Parang bula ika’y naglaho // Like a bubble, you disappeared

Between the heavy daze in your mind and the music crooning all over the flat, you didn’t notice at all that the front door swung open. You had your back to him when Jake silently set his newsboy cap and leather gloves on the side. He was very careful that you weren’t holding anything that would injure you or him when he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind.

As expected, you stiffened and immediately relaxed when you recognized that scent. You hated how you still know it too well. The flat had been long cleared of any of their scent after the first month, and you cried about it for a whole night once.

But now, you weren’t sure what to feel. Like you expected, you wouldn’t muster any words. You couldn’t even distinguish the emotions bubbling in the pit of your stomach. Anger, relief, sadness, happiness?

Instead, all you said was “Jake?”

He merely hummed then buried his face in the crook of your neck, breathing you in after months away. He didn’t want to let you go, even when you tried to move so you can turn to face him. He immediately felt months’ worth of tension leave his body. That and the soft music playing in the background started to make him aware of his fatigue.

“Let’s go to bed, hm?” you offered, catching the slight tired slump of his shoulders.

Jake hummed in acknowledgement again, but instead of walking normally, his hands moved from your waist to threading your fingers together, swaying you through the music across the apartment. Jake held you close to him as you both continued to sway in the free space near the foot of Steven’s bed. He didn’t understand a word of what the song meant, that is, until the chorus played again.

Bien simple lang I yo tapidi // What I ask is simple

Era cin ti tu el cosa yo ya cin ti // I hope you feel my sorrow

Jake still didn’t understand it completely, but fragments of the lyrics, chosen few of the words, he caught and interpreted the gist of it. He stopped moving and tucked his finger under your chin, tilting your head up to meet his gaze. “Is that how you feel, querida?” he asked.

Jake didn’t miss how your eye twitched at the nickname.

You tried to not to let it bother you. You really did. It’s his endearment for you. Jake rarely fronted, and when he did, he was incredibly loving towards you. There was no reason to take offense on what he calls you.

Hiding your discomfort, you buried your face in his chest and continued to sway. “It’s just a song, Jake,” you said. “My playlist is on shuffle.”

Na dimio rezo ta pidi yo // In my prayers, I ask

Era olvida yo contigo // I hope I forget you

“Well, I don’t like it,” Jake said bluntly with a plump pout on his lip. He stopped dancing once again and walked to turn off the speaker. “Let’s go to bed, querida.”

Again, Jake saw you relent but not only after you exhaled in a self-soothing manner. He pulled you under the covers, and you fell asleep within a few minutes. You seemed tired, emotionally drained to the point that you’d sleep to avoid them, and even though Jake was exhausted as well, his worry for you now kept him up.

I told you we were gone too long. Can she no longer stand endearments? Steven piped in their head. Let me have control. I want to talk to her.

“I’ll fix it,” Jake assured him, cutting himself silent when you stirred. He tucked you deeper into the covers and watched the furrow between your brows relax.

Jake will fix it. He always did. That’s why he’s fronting now when the others couldn’t even forcibly take control. Something was wrong.

~

When you woke up a few hours in the late afternoon, you were still tangled up in your boyfriend’s arms. You couldn’t tell who would be out once he woke up, but you were sure that if it were either Marc or Jake, they’d wake up as soon as you sit up in bed. Your thoughts were answered when the grip around your waist tightened when you tried to slither off to the corner of the bed.

“Marc?”

An agitated huff told you that you were mistaken. The sleepy daze immediately wore off. If he was still fronting, something might be wrong. “Is everything okay, Jake?”

“I don’t know, querida. Is there?”

At his pointed question, you immediately closed up. “You’re the one who disappeared for months without contacting me,” you shot back. “I’m surprised you didn’t mail me divorce papers as well.”

“We’re not married yet, querida.”

You scoffed and got out of bed, stomping your way to the kitchen. You took the tea tin and took a bag, then slamming the cabinet shut. It was only until you were filling up the kettle on the faucet did you realise your hands were shaking and tears were dripping on your outstretched arms.

Well, done, Fabio. You really did so well. Marc snarked at Jake from the mirror in front of their bed. Let me out.

“No.”

Let me out! Marc demanded.

Let him out, Jake. Steven pleaded. She needs—

“What? You? Us? Who exactly? We left. Everything will be exactly the same if either of you comes out.”

From the kitchen, you peered at Jake arguing with Marc and Steven from the mirror. There was no doubt they all were concerned now from your outburst. You didn’t even know why you were upset.

Well, you were, are, upset that they disappeared like ghosts for months. What you didn’t understand was why Jake’s endearment bothered you even more. It was an endearment. It’s not like he knew your language that well to deliberately calling you negative names.

Jake was cursing up a fury at the mirror when you silently sat on the spot beside him at the edge of the bed. He immediately stopped staring at his reflection to look at you. Really look at you. That’s one thing you loved about Jake. His gaze made you feel like you were the only thing that mattered to him. More than Khonshu. More than…

You shook the thought from your head. It was absurd to be jealous of your lovers that way. It wasn’t fair to you nor was it fair to them.

“Talk to me,” you said, grasping his hand in between yours.

“You didn’t deserve it. I know you deserve better, but I want you, cariño. You’re all I’ve wanted. I will always come back to you.”

In the background, you heard the electric kettle click itself off, but you were more focused on Jake baring his feelings for you. He was barely around for as long as you knew Marc and Steven, but he had never failed in being sincere with how he felt for you. “I’m sorry,” you sobbed.

Jake’s face fell, and if you could only see what he saw, Marc lowered his eyes in the mirror, while Steven retreated back in the recesses of their mind. Even Khonshu was eerily silent and nowhere to be found, which was odd enough as it is. The god was fond of you in his own way that he kept a safe distance hovering nearby.

“Don’t be,” you said. “I know what I signed up for when I decided to be with an Avatar.” You let out a weak chuckle at the unintentional reference. “Steven would’ve loved that one.”

“Do you wish to talk with him instead, cariño?”

You didn’t miss the hurt that seeped through Jake’s words. You barely spent time with him, and you knew him the shortest. You shook your head and cupped your hands over his cheeks, tilting his head to face you.

The same furrowed brow wrinkled his forehead again, and if it wasn’t for the stiffness in his eyes, the conflicted look behind those brown orbs would’ve easily misled you to think he was Marc. Jake’s hard expression was easily remedied when you pressed a soft kiss on his forehead. The hurt and fear were now exposed, and you had to come clean with your own issues.

“I’m not mad that you left for months,” you said and immediately caught yourself at Jake’s pointed look. “Okay, yes, I was mad, but only during the first month, especially when I found out that you took Layla with you.”

“It wasn’t all us, love.” Steven snuck out for a moment. “But she was also worried that it was too early for you to take this mission on.” His eyes rolled back, and Jake was back, annoyed from those few seconds of being interrupted.

“Sometimes…” you took a deep breath, finding the right words to say, “I feel like I’m just a liability to you guys, you and Layla.”

This time it was Marc who took the wheel. “You can easily put us on our asses, baby,” he laughed softly, trying to lighten your mood. “Sure, we’d put up a fight, but your powers are kinda scary sometimes.”

Your hands pressed against Marc’s chest before gripping his jacket in tight fists as if you were scared that he’d vanish after your next words. “That’s not what I mean, Marc.”

When the realization dawned on his face, Marc immediately cupped your face. “Why on earth would you even think that?” he asked, hurt from your words and from how you felt. “I mean, you were dating Steven when he had no idea of Layla and my existence, and we were even on the verge of divorce by then.” He continued, “and Jake… Well, I think Jake only likes you. That ass only shows up when one of us are dying or when it comes to you.

“And Layla adores you. Otherwise, she didn’t finish our job for us just so we can come back to you,” he added. Swallowing whatever weight that clogged his throat, he finally said, “You’re a part of this crazy relationship whether you like it or not.” Realizing what he accidentally implied, he softly asked, “If… if you were to leave…” He trailed off, his voice ending in a shuddering breath. His shoulder tensed for a split second, and he was gone, overwhelmed from his own fears.

“We will marry you in a heartbeat,” Jake said, grasping your hand. “If that meant you would never leave us.” That wide-eyed gaze he pointed at you showed that he was frighteningly sincere.

But it was quickly cut off with Steven nervously chuckling. “If you would have us, love,” he said. “Of course, consent is key. No need to be psycho about it,” he shot a pointed glance at the mirror.

You exhaled, feeling all the tension and issues wafting away from a single breath. “One thing though,” you stated.

“What is it, querida?” Jake returned, and this time, he finally noticed the twitch in your eye from the endearment he gave you.

“Two things I hate though,” you corrected yourself through gritted teeth. “Call me anything but that word, and propose to me properly. And we won’t have any problems.”

Jake would never admit it but the coldness in your voice and suddenly shifting to a sweet smile after you listed your terms made the hairs on his arms stand a bit.

Later that evening, Jake discreetly looked up what ‘the forbidden endearment’ meant on Steven’s phone. He sucked in a sharp breath at his massive mistake, and a pit formed in his stomach when it sank that he had been accidentally feeding your insecurity all this time. He immediately rushed over to you on the stove and pulled you into his arms.

“Jake! What the—” Unable to pull yourself out of his embrace, you barely managed to reach for the stove and turn the heat to low before you accidentally burn down his flat. “Now barely seems like the time to—”

“You’re the only one for me. I revere you. I fear you. I worship you. Cariño, mi vida, mi corazón​…”

You laughed in the midst of your confusion while Jake pulled you in for a tight hug. “What brought this on?” Your eyes landed on Steven’s phone at the kitchen counter with the latest search page still on display. A more genuine smile tugged at your lips as you buried your face into his chest, embracing his warmth.

“Also, I’m marrying Layla first.”

SMACK!

You barely registered the sting on your bottom when you were pushed away. Steven’s wide-eyed puppy eyes gazed at you in horror. His mouth hung open in surprise as he raised his hands in innocence.

“It wasn’t me. I swear!” Steven cried out. Then he paused, glancing off somewhere. “Jake says he’ll be back once he gets a ring before Layla comes home next week.”

#jake lockley x reader #marc spector x reader #steven grant x reader #moon knight x reader #moon knight fanfiction #moon knight fanfic #can be standalone #bakunawa!reader #bakunawa au

[storytowrite]

Love Untold (OT8 x F! Reader)

Chapter 6

Paring: Chan x reader

Genre: idk how to classify it, maybe an angst?

Warnings: almost drowning, bullying, swearing, CPR

Word Count: 3095

Masterlist |Love Untold Masterlist

Due to the work of your parents, you are forcet to constantly move. However, this time moving houses let to interesting and unusual events. You met 8 handsome boys at school and somehow you managed to move in with them. How will your fate go?

.......................................................................................................................

For two days straight you had managed to beg Sebastian to convince your parents that you were sick and felt very bad, so you stayed at home. But messages from Minho continued to flood you. Even though you blocked his number, he kept sending messages from newer and newer numbers. His threats got worse and worse, and the photos became more and more personal.

You had 5 days left until your supposed move with him, which you had no intention of agreeing to. Even though you weren't 100% sure you wouldn't. You were terrified of the amount of the information Minho knew about.

On the third day, when you were lying peacefully in bed scrolling through Instagram, your father entered your room with great force, followed by a restless Sebastian.

"You don't look sick, so what are you doing in bed, you fucking lazy bitch?!" Your father started sharply, with a pissed off look on his face.

Frightened, you automatically curled up under the covers, pleading eyes on your face. You tried to tell Sebastian, who was standing by the door, to save you. Or at least calmed your father down a bit.

“Miss Y/N seems to be feeling much better. All thanks to the great efforts of the service, Sir. Miss Y/n's classes start later today that is probably why she's still in bed." The butler understood your silent pleas and, approaching you, tried to calm your father.

Your father looked at you in disgust, but said nothing more. He turned on his heel and left the room.

You let out a relieved breath that you took in greedily when you saw your father near you.

“Thank you Sebastian. As always, you save me." You smiled genuinely at the man as you got out of bed.

"At your service, Miss. But you are treading on very thin ice. I know Miss really doesn't want to go to school, but you can't risk it again, and I'm afraid you'll have to go to class today. Of course, a phone call will suffice, I'll be right back for Miss." The man announced as he packed your backpack.

"I know Sebastian, I know. I'll get up in a minute and come down to the living room for breakfast. You don't have to wait for me." You walked over to your wardrobe and picked out an outfit for today's class.

The man just bowed and left the room. After a while you were ready, but reluctantly made your way downstairs to the kitchen. The delicious smell of fried eggs hit your nostrils.

Breakfast, as usual, was plentiful with your favorite foods, fresh fruit and vegetables of the best quality. Everything looked amazing so you didn't want to leave the table.

You ate a light meal, some grapes and two pieces of apple.

"Miss, I don't want to hurry, but we have to go now so as not to be late." He said politely approaching you. Even though you've known Sebastian all your life, he still never ceases to surprise you with how organized and orderly he was.

You quickly finished everything you had on your plate and went to school.

Everything was going too smoothly for you. Which didn’t change the fact that you were on pins and needles all the time. Each louder noise made your heart race faster.

Once art class was over, you looked at your schedule to figure out what your next class was. You felt the blood rush to your throat as you saw the big word P.E. Just thinking about this guy made you sick, but you remembered that Changbin would be there. You immediately felt better and with your head held high, you went to the locker room

As soon as you walked in, no one was there, but you thought you had plenty of time, after all, there was a longer break. You sat down on a bench and started looking for sports clothes, but you couldn't find any. You started to panic a bit when you noticed a black sack at the bottom of your bag.

You didn't remember packing it, so you figured Sebastian saved your ass as usual. You opened the bag to take out the outfit, but felt an unusual material under your fingers. You quickly pulled your hand out of your bag. You had a bathing suit in your hand.

Your eyes widened and tears welled up immediately. You hated swimming, you couldn't swim. Even as you got closer to deeper water, you started to panic.

All because when you were little and your parents were still quite interested in you, you went to the swimming pool with them. However, they were already not the best parents and left you unattended in the paddling pool. 70 centimeters of water is nothing, but one of the boys present there thought it would be funny to see if you could breathe underwater. He flipped you over and held your head under the water for a few seconds before Sebastian pulled you out. The boy, of course, ran away, and you were traumatized by the water and never learned how to swim.

However, you didn't want to offend the PE teacher again and you went to the swimming pool, which was fortunately right next to the school. With a faint hope, you hoped that you would be able to hide somehow, or that Changbin would be with you all the time.

All the girls were already in the locker room, including your bullies, who wanted to come to you as soon as they saw you, but as soon as you entered you turned into the changing room and closed the door.

You quickly changed into your bathing suit and covered yourself with a warm towel that was handed out at the entrance to the locker room. Your whole body was shaking, not from the cold but from fear. The closer you got to class, the worse you felt.

As soon as you heard the whistle, you quickly opened the door and ran to the pool. The unpleasant smell of chlorine hit your nostrils as you walked through the door.

You lined up in front of the teacher, you were the first person and you could clearly see the big grimace on the man's face when he saw you. Within seconds, all the girls were standing next to you in a line. You, however, waited impatiently for Changbin to appear, but the teacher started reading the list, and no boy was in the swimming pool. You were very surprised, but you guessed that probably guys and girls had classes separately so that there would be no sexual overtones.

When the teacher finished reading the list and told you to start warming up by slowly swimming a few times, your body froze. Fear paralyzed your body, only when the girls began to disperse from the rally, did you move too.

You went to the farthest part of the pool, supposedly to put down the towel, but really you wanted to hide. You quietly and carefully hid behind a rack of sports equipment, not daring to make a sound.

Although your hiding place was quite well hidden, you had a very good view of everything that was going on in the pool. All the girls were already swimming, and the PE teacher shouted to them that they should try harder.

Suddenly, the door to the pool opened and a group of 6 guys walked in. Judging by the clothes, it was some kind of swimming section representing the school. The boys weren't too interested in the swimming girls. They just waved to the PE teacher and started warming up in the corner.

The warm-up was coming to an end and more and more girls were coming ashore, awaiting new instructions. Fortunately, the teacher still didn't realize you weren't there.

When everyone was on the shore, you noticed one person who came up and whispers something to the teacher. After that, everyone went to the jumping pad to practice jumping into the water.

"Y/N!" You heard the teacher's piercing scream. His voice echoed off the walls of the hall, probably louder than normal. Your whole body went rigid and you held your breath, hoping it would help you hide. You didn't move an inch hoping he'd think you went to the bathroom or something.

"Here she is." You heard a familiar voice right next to you. You looked up and none other than your bully was standing over you. There was a sneer of victory on her lips.

You slowly got up when you noticed that the teacher was walking towards you.

“This is for Minho.” You heard a quiet whisper, audible only to you, from the lips of a girl who moved away from you, making room for the trainer.

“Are you a princess?!” The man started sharply. “Special treatment deserved?!” He continued without lowering his voice at all.

Just like a beaten dog, you cowered and just nodded your head in response. You wanted to say something, but you couldn't form a sentence. You were too scared. You just didn't know which of them more - swimming or the teacher.

You felt that everyone's eyes were fixed on you. It was always you, always the center of attention, and yet you tried to avoid it.

“Jump into the water and do 10 pools! Immediately! I'm sick of you Y/n. This is the second time I've had a class with you, and you've failed the second time! Think how the other girls must feel when they're swimming and getting tired and you're fucking sitting in the corner!" He grabbed your wrist, still yelling at you.

“I… I can't do this.” You managed to stammer out, trying to break free, or at least loosen the man's grip a bit.

“I don't want to hear excuses again! If everyone swims, you will too.” Announcing this, he began to pull you towards the pool.

You kept trying to resist him, begging others for help. But no one came to you. As you approached the edge of the pool and felt the water on your feet, you experienced such an adrenaline rush of fear that in one efficient move you broke free from the man's painful grip.

“I'm not fucking swimming! I can't swim and I won't go in the water! You can shout at me all you want, but I will not bend! My foot will never be closer to the water than I am now!" You yelled right in the teacher's face. From a shy, clumsy mouse, you became a feisty lioness.

The whole swimming pool was silent, only the sound of the overflowing water and the ticking of the clock could be heard. After that spectacular outburst of anger, your breathing was unstable, very fast but shallow. You looked around the pool, everyone was looking at you with great surprise. Some had their mouths open, others had wide eyes, and others were frozen.

After a while, the whole hall was filled with loud conversations. You looked at the teacher who turned red with anger, you knew you were about to get hit hard but you were proud of yourself for standing up for yourself.

“Ooooo, now you're fucked Y/n!” The teacher began menacingly, with a unique and unusual calmness. “Talking back to the teacher…? Not nice…Oh, very not nice…” You heard the words he said flew through his clenched teeth. "I will make your life in this school over, you can be ready for that!" He smiled devilishly. "Now go swimming!" He screamed, so loud that you automatically covered your ears and flinched.

"NO!" You shouted back straightening up, showing the confidence you were trying to confuse others. Suddenly, you felt a strong tug on your hair, causing you to lose your balance.

You took a step back to keep from falling, but your leg met the leg of one of your bullies. You fell headfirst into the 5 meters deep water.

Underwater you started to panic terribly, you didn't know where was up and where was down. You somehow turned around so you weren't head down, but you couldn't fully open your eyes.

All you could see were bubbles that surrounded you on all sides. You were terrified, your air was starting to run out, and you tried to swim to the surface at all costs. You waved your arms and legs, but instead of floating up, you were sinking.

With every inch the water was getting darker, and the light was less and less. You were starting to faint.

As soon as you hit the surface of the water with impetus, chaos broke out on the surface. Everyone in the pool stood by the edge and began to look at the vague outline of your figure. Conversations did not stop for a moment, everyone was wondering if you would be able to swim out.

“Stop lying Y/n and start swimming. Nobody believes you can't swim. How can you not swim at this age? Even a 3-year-old can swim. Swim right now.” The teacher laughed mockingly, and with him the bullies.

The only person who was in any way dismayed was one of the boys from the swimming section. He watched the whole situation from a distance, but did not want to react. But when he saw you didn't come to the surface for a long time. Without thinking, he jumped into the water.

It didn't take long for him to swim to you, the boy looked like he was born to live underwater. He was fast and agile. No one was surprised that he was the captain of the swimming section.

By the time he reached you, your limp body was at 4 meters. The last thing you remembered was someone's hand grabbing your waist.

The boy quickly pulled you to the shore, where it was only when you lay unconscious on the floor that people actually took over. Even the teacher fell silent.

The athlete placed his clasped hands on your chest and began CPR. After 5 strong compressions, you spat out the water from your throat. He helped you get up to a sitting position. All blue, you were shaking uncontrollably.

You were in shock, you didn't know what to do with yourself. You were running amok. You heard people talking to you, but you didn't understand what.

“Now do you fucking believe she can't swim?! She had to almost die for all of you to realize how serious this whole situation was?! Nobody! Fucking nobody even moved to help this girl in any way!” The boy's outburst, there was nothing but immense anger in his voice. "As for you, I'm leaving the team. I don't want to be associated with an asshole like that. I wish you good luck in your future competitions.” The young boy turned to the teacher, throwing at him the wet sweatshirt he had just taken off.

He immediately came over to you to make sure you were okay. Still unable to utter any words, you grabbed his neck and hugged him tightly. The boy apparently understood your silent request and, picking you up in his arms, took you out of the pool.

He must have felt how much you were trembling because he pulled you closer to him. His body was almost hot. You snuggled into his naked chest and closed your eyes, trying to calm down a bit.

Once you got to the locker room, he sat you down on a bench and kneeled in front of you.

“Change into dry clothes. I'll be in the locker room next door. When you're changed, I'll wait for you outside, I'll take you to the nurse to take care of you." He smiled warmly, rubbing your thigh gently.

As soon as he left the locker room, you wanted to cry, but tears didn't come out of your eyes. You took 3 deep breaths like Han taught you to calm down. When your heart was no longer pounding like it was about to jump out of the cage, you went to change your clothes.

As the boy said, so he did. He was waiting for you outside the locker room. He was wearing black shorts and a loose shirt. Droplets of water flowed from his hair and settled on his skin.

Even though you had almost died a moment ago, you couldn't help but marvel at the person who just stood in front of you.

"Do you feel better?" He asked in a concerned voice, walking over to you and offering his arm for you to lean on.

"Yes, I'm a little better now. Thank you for saving me." You thanked as sincerely as you could, catching the boy's hand, "If I may ask, what's your name?" You asked timidly as you walked towards him.

"I'm Christopher but everyone calls me Chan." He replied, looking at you.

Your eyes met by chance, and you felt like you could see stars in his eyes. The feeling of warmth took over your body again. You were hypnotized by him.

“I'm Y/n, but you probably know that. The whole swimming pool knows my name." You giggled, awkwardly scratching the top of your head.

“Yes, it was impossible not to hear it. I had to stop training because of you...I'm kidding, of course." He smiled broadly.

You made it to the parking lot where you stopped. The boy was surprised but said nothing. You took out your phone and called Sebastian. You had the impression that the butler was waiting for your call, because after 5 minutes he had already arrived at the parking lot. Without question, he opened the car door for you and invited you inside.

Chan was slightly surprised by all this fancy treatment. Very elegant car, own chauffeur on call, but said nothing. Although you could see in his face that he was fighting with himself not to say anything.

“Thank you again Chan. It was great meeting you.” You smiled at him as you got into the car.

“You too Y/n. Hope to meet you under better circumstances next time. Can I invite you for a coffee?" The boy asked playfully.

"With pleasure." You replied and made yourself comfortable in the car.

Sebastian closed the door and you drove home. The last thing you saw was Chan's gorgeous smile. Only when you lost sight of the boy, your body gave up and you cried.

<;- PART 5 | PART 7 ->

TAGLIST

@nobody3210

#bang chan #skz #bang chan x reader #kpop #kpop fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids reaction #skz reaction #stray kids #bang chan smut #skz smut #chan angst

[pocketramblr]

How about our dear friend Jonathan dkskdks

I haven't even finished the book but alright!

1- Johnathan awakens in England and is asked to go take the Dracula case, except now he knows Drac is very bad news!!!

2- he details his first time in normal writing and short hand, and then right before he goes into the village where Dracula will pick him up from, he posts the mail ahead of time (stealing Drac's evil letter-writing-ahead-of-time idea). He also includes details like Lucy getting proposed to thrice in a day, to try and add to his credibility.

3- this guy brings SO MANY CRUCIFIXS OK. He's got them on his watch, his wrist, his neck, his pockets, his sock garters, everywhere. He brings garlic and holy water and I don't know, what else works against Vamps in this book.

4- you know how Drac knows John knows he knows he's a vampire but can't do anything about it because he's stuck there and has to keep pretending it's fine to put off the end? Jonathan pulls a reverse uno card. He lies about being Catholic. He heaps praise on Drac for managing such a large household all on his own, then keeps looking at him and going "are you sure you don't have a wife and two daughters?" Drac has no clue how Jonathan already knows before coming, but he can't get rid of all the things yet! He still needs him for legal purposes. Jonathan lies to him about law in England, and Drac is studied enough to know he's got to be sometimes, but he can't call him out on it! "I'm afraid you must be confused with the law in Germany, Count, I passed the bar you know and this is how it's done in England." "Oh, I do remember this question on my exam, how funny. Yes you're remembering the old law, it was changed a few years ago."

5- Jonathan is literally just stalling until his "sos this guy is crazy and here's proof" letter he sent ahead gets back and hopes for help. Idk maybe he sent specific instructions for getting vampire hunter Van Helsing or Original Flavor Belmont or whoever is in this book to actually get him out.

#Johnathan does a reverse uno #the count sleeps all day and can't PROVE Jonathan was the one messing around in the kitchen when his 3 freeloaders totally might have too #he just wants to know where all the knives went and why there's holy water spilled everywhere #anon #pocket talks to people #ask game #dracula daily #adjacent enough i want it in the tag in my own blog at least

[delphi-dreamin]

Pact Marks

A/N: Two in as many days? How? Idk, but thanks so much for all the feedback on part 4! I honestly felt like a kid at Christmas looking at my notifications.

Warnings: None

Pt 1: Mammon | Pt 2: Levi | Pt 3: Beel | Pt 4: Asmo

Pt. 6: Belphie | Pt 7: Lucifer

Part 5: Satan

“I can’t go back and change the circumstances of my birth. But, how I choose to live my own life has nothing to do with Lucifer.” Satan pauses, letting out a soft chuckle. “It’s funny. When I say it like that, it all sounds so simple.”

He fixes his gaze on Delphi, his face flushing as he sees the light pink dusting on her cheeks. She looks up at him expectantly, violet eyes wide and breath shallow. If he concentrates hard on her neck, he can see just how fast her heart is hammering. He takes in a steady breath.

“The entire reason I was able to face my issues is because of you, Delphi. You’re the one who helped me to be honest with Lucifer…and with myself as well.” He smiles at her. “You want to make a pact with me, don’t you? Well, it just so happens that I don’t like owing people favors. So if this ends up helping you like you helped me, then I’d like to make a pact with you. Okay?”

Delphi smiles wide, eyes misty. Her previous encounter with Satan had been nothing short of a disaster, so for him to come to her willingly feels like a dream. She feels lighter than air as she nods, unable to properly form the words to agree.

“Great! Then that makes us even,” the demon says.

As the words of his oath float over her, Delphi begins to feel a warmth in her chest. It spreads to her limbs first, setting her fingers and toes tingling. Then it hits her brain and she feels as though she’s trying to think through a fog. She’s hit by a wave of dizziness as the warmth slowly increases in intensity to an inferno, feeling like it’s going to burn through her at any moment. She’s felt this before. Much less intense, but she has felt it.

“So that’s what your rage feels like,” she breathes after he finishes the oath. Her chest feels tight and she’s still a bit dizzy, but she doesn’t feel like she’ll be consumed.

Satan looks down at her, eyes widening briefly in shock. Her irises, normally almost the same violet pink as the twins’, are ringed by glowing electric green. He looks further down at her clenched fists and notices something on the inside of her thigh, just barely being covered by her skirt.

“Did the others get to choose where they put their marks on you?” he asks, as nonchalant as he can manage.

Delphi’s eyes snap back into focus and back up to his. She shakes her head. “Asmo and Beel did, but I placed Mammon’s and Levi’s. Why? Did you have a spot in mind?”

“I do, actually,” he muses, letting his eyes wander to her only other exposed pact mark, Levi’s on her bicep. “Do you mind?”

“Go ahead,” Delphi replies. She hasn’t forgotten that Lucifer is standing only just down the hall, probably watching. She also hasn’t forgotten what happened when Asmo gave her his mark. Her reactions have only gotten more intense the more pacts she’s made, and dread grips her stomach at the thought of her reaction to Satan’s. If the rush of Wrath earlier was anything to go by, she’s worried that something worse could happen.

The blond demon in front of her takes a step closer, his eyes not leaving hers as he raises the hem of her skirt with his fingertips. Delphi has half a second to prepare before he presses his palm onto her left outer thigh and the rush of heat overtakes her again. She clenches her jaw so hard she’s afraid she’s going to break a tooth, but the rage inside her keeps building. She feels it like a wildfire within her and like electricity dancing on her skin. And then she focuses on Satan’s eyes, glowing bright green.

“This is your wrath?” Satan breathes through gritted teeth. “What happened to make you so angry?”

The inferno continues to rage, drawn to the surface by the formation of their pact. It feels like it’s sucking the air from her lungs, making it more and more difficult to stay upright. She clenches her fists tightly, clinging to the pain of her sharp nails digging into her palms to stay conscious. This isn’t a normal reaction, she knows. She knows she shouldn’t feel like she’s going to be ripped apart by this sin, and yet…

Her legs shake when the heat dissipates, and she grabs onto Satan to keep from collapsing onto the floor runner. He catches her easily, watching as the green glow in her eyes fades and the mark on her thigh settles to black. He continues to support her until she catches her breath and the strength returns to her legs. Delphi finally stands on her own, straightening her skirt and nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She’s unable to look at the Avatar of Wrath directly, gaze falling anywhere but on those emerald green eyes.

She clears her throat and says, “To answer your question, a lot happened. But I don’t wanna talk about it right now. Let’s go find the others, okay?”

Satan nods stiffly, turning to follow as she brushes past to rejoin Lucifer.

---

“There y’are, Satan! What took ya so long?” Mammon exclaims as his brother walks through the door. Levi and Asmo turn to look up at the door where Satan stands, back against the wood and nearly pale as a sheet.

“Did you make a pact with Delphi?” Beel asks, recognizing the expression on Satan’s face as the same or a very similar feeling Beel had had when he’d made his pact with the human.

Satan nods and replies, “Yeah, I did.”

“Ooh! How’d it go?” Asmo gushes.

“She is so angry,” Satan breathes, looking up at the rest of his brothers with wide eyes.

“Delphi?” Levi scoffs.

“Sweet little innocent, bubbly Delphi?” Asmo laughs. “Well, not so innocent. But sweet, bubbly Delphi? Satan, are you sure?”

“Hey! Whaddya mean ‘not so innocent?!’” Mammon demands, jumping up from his seat at the far end of his sofa.

Before he can go any farther, Beel grabs him by the shoulder and forces him back down, growling, “Not the time.”

Mammon crosses his arms and huffs, but doesn’t try to get back up.

“I felt it, Asmo,” Satan explains. “When I put my mark on her, it was like every bit of rage she’d ever felt bubbled to the surface. I don’t know what her life in the human world was like before she came here, but it couldn’t have been very good. Her wrath was almost overwhelming. I haven’t felt anything like it since…”

---

#obey me #mc!delphi #obey me satan #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me beelzebub #obey me leviathan #obey me levi #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #i'm...in awe #i don't think i've ever churned out a fic this fast #granted it's short #but still #obey me mc #obey me oc

[azumasoroshi]

watched the first two episodes of oshi no ko a while back (REALLY FUCKING GOOD, ive been a manga reader for a while but i stopped reading the recent chapters and basically forgot everything except for the major points and god it’s so satisfying to have the adaptation remind me of what i’ve forgotten in the most beautiful way possible)

but this post isnt about onk, it’s about izaya!! izaya orihara!! lets fucking goooooooooo izaya idol au!!!! i cant get this flea out of my BRAIN

i was about to open a new canvas to draw some more shizaya stuff for my animatic that im never gonna finish and i was like huh. maybe i should draw onk fanart. and then i remembered this art of venti genshin impact with ai’s eyes and i remembered thinking man i hope this becomes an artist trend for people to do with their art blorbos! and then i was like OH. guess i could contribute to the trend by drawing izaya with ai’s eyes

and then i started thinking and i was like huh. Ai’s never experienced love from her parents, doesn’t think she knows how to love or how to express it, doesn’t get attached to others easily, is a perpetual liar, became an idol because she hoped she would learn how to love - oh hey doesnt. that. sound like izaya. just a little bit. not exactly, her character goes into more learning how to love/that she can love while izaya’s character is i can love but only impersonally because i’m afraid of getting hurt and his arc would be learning to let his walls down for his own good

SO for izaya idol au, izaya would become an idol because he wants to experience love, or something along the lines of “there’s no greater demonstration of parasocial love and foolish decision making than in the idol industry! ahaha~” and probably “idols are perfect liars and i need to put myself into their shoes so i can become an even better liar and close myself off to any possibility of falling in love that could ever exist”

there’s a lot of reasons he might want to become an idol, really. there’s so much corruption and behind-the-scenes dealing and lies and facades and shit in the entertainment industry that i think izaya would eat for breakfast. he would LOVE witnessing that shit and making his own shady deals and stuff and occasionally ruining lives and watching people rise and fall down the rankings and tear each other down. plus the people who are in it for passion rather than money are fascinating as well. psychology student’s dream really- i mean what this is definitely about izaya and not me projecting

plus he definitely has the looks for it (narita would hard agree given how many times he’s indirectly called izaya attractive through other characters. we love a canonically hot king)

now i need to make everything shizaya because i’m not okay but i have no idea who shizuo would be lmao

like you could make him some up and coming manager (no age difference stuff here sorry lmao) or a fellow idol (doubtful. shizuo can act cute but i dont think he could dance) or an actor like akane/kana or a streamer??? like memcho (my favorite character)

a mangaka/screenplay writer/writer in general could also work but i feel like you’d have less reason to interact with idols that way

idk how japanese idol groups work for men in particular or if there’s even like a market for that :sob: id have to look into that if i actually started making stuff for this au

alternatively izaya crossdresses as a female idol and somehow no one realizes. except for shizuo. that would be hilarious actually. he refuses to do swimsuit modeling or other provocative stuff and his fans are like “oh?? the brazen kanra-chan is unexpectedly shy?? how cute” and he plays into it but inwardly he’s like. god i know exactly how im gonna go out with a bang when i retire. and shizuo watches him playing at being shy on tv knowing that that motherfucker is planning to strip on his last days as an idol

anyway this is just me spitballing ideas but ill definitely write at least a concept/intro fanfic of this at some point so stay tuned lmAo im just about to run out of writing juices on ABAON so i gotta transfer my energy somewhere else and where better than the idol!izaya au

#shizaya #idolzaya #ill be using that tag for whatever idol au stuff i come up with #i drafted this like. five days after the onk anime came out #this has been drafted for way longer than i wanted it to be #this was also sorta inspired by the idol!kim dokja au fic that’s really popular #i think the male idol industry is way stronger in korea than japan thiugh #that said i dont interact with idols at all personally lmAOO so i have no idea #i will do research later i promise #and read more of more more jump!’s stories for inspiration PFF #i wonder if izaya’s group should be a bunch of drrr girls or like. mostly irrelevant side characters #or if he should just go solo which again. i need to research how hard that would be #i feel like he might want to blend in a bit inside a group #would be fun to observe the jealousy and drama and group dynamics up close too #because if they get jealous of HIM at any point he might just laugh until he dies #i have more ideas but i should save those for the fanfic…. #anyway #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #durarara #im excited for this one bro oshi no ko is one of my favorite series ever #but like. not for the romance just because i really like learning about the entertainment industry LMAOO #i dont ship aqua with anyone tbh #can he just be besties with everyone pls #i loved his and kana’s relationship in the beginning where they’re like two good actors in a room full of mids #that was a fun dynamic but it just went downhill for me personally #oh well i can talk about this in my author’s notes pff

[maideninorange]

Hmmmmm 47 with Tsubakura and... Idk whoever you wanna write that particular brand of angst with because I can't decide between YabuTsuba, TsubaKuro, or some other ship I haven't thought of.

47. "I don't trust you to be alone."

Why do Yabusame or Kuroji when I could do Yabusame and Kuroji at the same time?

(TW: while nothing of that nature happens here, there are still detailed and heavy discussions of a planned suicide and mental illness (mainly depression, though there is also a little mention of anxiety at one point). Stay safe everyone!)

There was something wrong with Tsubakura.

Yabusame couldn't explain how they know something is wrong, but they just knew. Tsubakura is never this happy during their misery weeks, as they like to call them. They usually either sleep, roam, or murmur self-deprecating remarks, and so their mood can best be described as static.

So when Yabusame heard Tsubakura say with a smile that they will never need to worry about them again tomorrow, warning sirens sounded in their gut that they needed to do something. Fast.

And so they acted on their first instinct: drag Tsubakura over to Kuroji's place in order to see if they could help out. They may fool Jinbei and Shion (if only to a certain extent; Yabusame managed to keep them from following by promising to get them some tasty souls before they return), but they cannot fool Yabusame. They remembered Kuroji muttering something about being "so anxious they can't feel anything", whatever that meant. So maybe they can help Tsubakura?

Those were the thoughts running through their head as they knocked on the door.

"Yabusame, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine." Tsubakura insisted for the umpteenth time, "See, look at me! I'm fiiinnnee!"

All Yabusame saw were the sunken eyes and weathered clothes and hair of someone who hadn't bathed in days.

"No you're not!" they snapped back, "I'm so sorry, Tsuba, but there's something really, really wrong here. I don't know what, but..."

"I'm afraid you'll do something you'll regret," were the words that wouldn't leave their mouth. All they could do was give Tsubakura a pained, pleading look. They were not fine, otherwise they wouldn't be fighting so hard to avoid seeing Kuroji.

Tsubakura only scoffed, "Don't give me that look. I'm telling ya, you're overthinking this. Besides, what good is a burden to such a carefree airhead anyway?"

Yabusame wanted to respond, but they never got the chance to. Almost as soon as Tsubakura finished speaking, the door opened.

The person who greeted them was, of course, Kuroji. It usually is, since Yabusame is pretty sure they and Tsubakura are the only visitors they get on a regular basis, if at all. There were noticeable bags under their eyes and their muscles looked tense, but it was nothing too out of the ordinary for them.

"Great, what are you two doing out here at this time of-"

All of that ordinariness evaporated the moment they laid eyes on Tsubakura.

"Tsu-Tsubakura?! You seem rather-"

"I'm fine," Tsubakura insisted again, "Already said it about fifty-seven times to this wonder of the universe. How many times will I have to spell it out to ya too?"

"Says the person who obviously hasn't cleaned themself in two weeks," they stole a glance Yabusame's way, eyebrows raised as if asking them to explain themselves.

"Tsubakura, you're really scaring me," Yabusame began, unsure of how to really describe it. Frankly, they weren't really sure how they knew something was wrong with them. On the surface, nothing was, at least for them during one of these periods of empty melancholy they are prone to having. It was more just a gut feeling than anything concrete.

"I...I don't think you should be alone right now."

"What are you talkin' about? I'm fine, you'll be fine, everything will be fine tomorrow." They flashed a lopsided grin, slightly twitching, "I'll give them exactly what they want, and then nothin' bad oughta happen to any of you ever again."

Kuroji paled, their nails digging into their jacket. Their face hardened, "Yabusame-kun is right for once. I don't trust you to be alone either."

"Don't be ridiculous you two! I'm fine! I'm fine!" They repeated, laughing way too hard for it to be genuine. They took a step back. And another. And another.

"Oh no you don't!"

And then, Kuroji vanished from the doorstep and reappeared behind Tsubakura. They forced their hands under their shoulders, stopping them in their tracks. Tsubakura tried to stomp their foot on Kuroji's, but it did nothing to deter them.

It was then that Yabusame acted. They grabbed Tsubakura's wrists, wincing at their vacant stare, betrayed.

"Unhand me, you dumbasses! Why won't either of you listen to me?!"

"Are you even listening to yourself?! The only person in danger right now is you!" Kuroji shouted, "What would ever make you think killing yourself would protect us?!"

Oh?!

Yabusame blinked. Their grip on their wrists froze in place, their jaw slack, "Tsuba...You...Is Kuroji-san right? You were actually going to-"

"Yes!!! Okay?!" Tsubakura snapped. Then, they stumbled forward, their head hanging low, "Caught me red-handed..."

Yabusame faltered as they fell towards them, their hand shaking as they reach for the back of their head. All the fight Tsubakura once had was utterly gone. Only untold suffering remains.

They knew they weren't anywhere near as smart as either Tsubakura or Kuroji. Or most normal people, for that matter. But man, did Yabusame feel like an idiot right now. The allusions to their plan, once obscure and confusing, were now so...so obvious in hindsight.

Their odd joy over the past couple days, the sorting through various chemicals, and the allusions to things "getting better" tomorrow...It felt so clear to them now.

That did not change the fact the realization of Tsubakura's horrible plan felt like a searing knife had plunged through their chest.

Kuroji let go of Tsubakura, letting Yabusame scoop them up in a tight hug. They just stood there, tense, observing them as Tsubakura sank into the affection. Them not fighting tooth and nail against it was most likely the biggest sign that they really shouldn't be alone right now, and both of them understood that fact uncomfortably well.

Eventually, Kuroji moved. They put their hand on Tsubakura's back, stroking them lightly as their version of comfort.

"...Inside. Now."

Tsubakura raised their head from Yabusame's shoulder, eyes stained red, "But what abou-"

"Saragimaru is out stalking that ancient reptile they call their sibling." Kuroji affirmed swiftly, "As for the other two blabbermouths... They know better than to ask unwanted questions."

They rub their neck uncomfortably. Even if Tsubakura wasn't currently consuming all of their thoughts, Yabusame would've known better than to pry.

The moments after that felt like a blur. Kuroji approached, and so Yabusame adjusted Tsubakura so that they could both lead them into the shabby cabin. Hooaka and Aoji, like Kuroji had said, only stared in awe at them. A single glare shut down any lingering words either might've had on the tips of their tongues.

Yabusame only felt awareness return to them when they reached Kuroji's bedroom. They worked quickly to help Tsubakura sit down on the futon. The moment they touched the shoddy mattress, their dearest friend just curled in on themself.

They've given up on everything. And that broke their heart.

Kuroji was at Yabusame's side again in an instant, a washcloth in hand. They dabbled it on Tsubakura's forehead, an unreadable expression on their face as they drew in deep breaths.

"So tell me, Tsubakura: What would ever make you think killing yourself is magically going to solve all of our problems?!"

Tsubakura tensed, before slumping forward. Even with the clear pains in Kuroji's voice they must've been taking to restrain themself. Yabusame squeezed their hand, cringing.

"I...I really don't know. It's just that with their return, I just know they'll be gunnin' for both of ya, just like anyone else stupid enough to get close to me..."

Long, dirty nails went to dab away gathering tears from their gaunt face, "So I ended up thinkin' to myself: 'Maybe the little voice in the back of my head is right? Maybe y'all are better off without me in the way?' So-Sorry...No grand noble reason here...As disappointing as the rest of me..."

"Don't be ridiculous," Kuroji scoffed, "Would attempting to surpass you be such a difficult task if you were a complete disappointment?"

"Would be a waste of time either way," they refuted, monotone, "Always had this funny obsession with me..."

"My point still stands." They scowled, clasping their hands together, "Besides, wouldn't committing suicide be exactly what that asshole wants? To have known they've driven you to that point must make them giddy with joy."

"I guess...But I still don't get why both of you would want me alive. I've been nothing but awful to ya..." Tsubakura gritted their teeth, clutching Yabusame's tie, "Especially you, Yabusame..."

"That's in the past now though! I could never hate ya, Tsuba..." Yabusame went to lightly boop Tsubakura on the nose, hesitated for a moment (What if they get mad at me? They're going through so much...), then did it anyway before they could lose their nerve.

But Tsubakura didn't swat their hand or pout like they usually do. Instead, they weakly grasped Yabusame's wrist, gaze almost vacant. They turned to look at Kuroji, voice wavering, "Come on, you hate me, don't cha? You have to, after all my-"

"Think you're annoying as hell? Absolutely. But hate you? To the point of wishing for your death?" Kuroji pressed close to Tsubakura's other side, brushing the messy strands of unkept hair away, "Would I entrust my siblings' well-being to you if I wanted you dead?"

Tsubakura gaped, their breathing shallow. Tears pooled in their eyes, "There's no way...You mustn't miss me when I'm..."

"That isn't the Tsubakura I know talking. It's the little demon in your head." Kuroji reaffirmed, "I won't pretend I understand your feelings, but I know what it's like to be hated. Just know that-"

"Don't say it..."

Kuroji didn't get the chance to. Yabusame said it instead.

"You're not alone!"

And that was when the dam burst. Tsubakura pulled them and Kuroji in, ugly, messy sobs reverberating out of them. Yabusame wrapped their arms tightly around them, letting them bury their head into their shoulder. They could feel Kuroji's hands find their way to their sides, mimicking the gesture in their own way.

Yabusame felt like they remained in that hug for hours. They didn't even realize they had started crying themself until they noticed the small stain of tears on Tsubakura's clothing. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered beyond the wails of Tsubakura's walls crumbling around them.

Eventually, Kuroji pulled away. Tsubakura made a weak attempt to grab their jacket, but that got them nowhere. So they settled for gripping Yabusame tightly, and refusing to let go.

That's fine though. Tsubakura needs it, so Yabusame is happy to provide it.

"I think...it might be best if you stay the night," Kuroji finally said, rubbing their reddened eyes, "Your shikigami shouldn't have any objections, no?"

Yabusame mouthed the syllables for "no". They actually weren't sure, but when has that ever stopped them or Tsubakura in the past?

"Good. I'll be making gyutan for dinner tonight. Yabusame-kun, prepare a bath for Tsubakura. Don't let them out of your sight."

Tsubakura perked their head up, sniffling, "But...But don't you have-"

"Aoji can use their special ability to clean themself if it comes to that, so you're not wasting water. Saragimaru never comes back until after midnight without a little...reminder, so they shouldn't be an issue," Kuroji listed off, "So no, you are not a burden, and I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it."

"But..."

"Think of it this way, Tsuba!" Yabusame cut in, "No Sensei telling you what to do for a whole night! Besides, this is your one chance to make Kuroji-san put ink in your food!"

"That's where your mind went?!"

But unfortunately for Kuroji, this did the trick. Tsubakura let out a small chuckle, hoarse from crying, but still geniune, "Mm, you heard the airhead. Put aaalll of the ink you got lying around in my serving! I want every last drop!"

"You two make me sick," Kuroji stuck their tongue out, "Give you just a little preferential treatment, and you'll take it a good kilometer and a half..."

"But aren't the best kinds of treatment the ones that go on for kilometers?" Yabusame wasn't entirely sure what they meant by that. Wasn't more usually better?

"Which is why this isn't a regular thing. I just felt generous tonight."

"Hah! You being generous...I think that's the best joke I've heard all day," Tsubakura snickered.

"Just go take your bath. And don't worry, I've been upgrading my security. They won't be getting in again anytime soon," The corners of Kuroji's mouth flickered upwards as they turned to leave.

"Take care of Tsubakura for me, alright?"

Yabusame nodded.

And with a soft thud, the door slid shut and Kuroji was gone.

Tsubakura turned to Yabusame, blowing their nose with the washcloth from earlier, "So..."

Yabusame put their hands on Tsubakura's trembling shoulders, "We'll get through this. We always do. They're not gonna beat us this time!"

Tsubakura patted them on the back, the closest they typically get to a full blown hug. They smiled, "Thank...you..."

"You're welcome. I don't know what I'd do without you." Were the words Yabusame wanted to say in that moment. But as gratitude is a rare sight from Tsubakura, they keep it to themself.

Tsubakura wasn't going to get better tonight. Or tomorrow night. Maybe a week from now if they're lucky. But their misery weeks will pass like always. They just needed a reminder every now and then.

But that was fine with Yabusame. Since happiness is out of reach for them right now, Tsubakura's well-being is all that mattered to them.

Until Tsubakura can find joy in life again in life, that is. But until that day comes, Yabusame will settle on being a comfortable support beam for them.

(Kuroji feels the same way, no doubt. Not that they'd ever say it aloud though...)

#ask and you shall receive (writing requests) #len'en #len'en project #len'en fanfiction #tw depression #tw suicide #hurt/comfort #tsubakura enraku #yabusame houlen #kuroji shitodo #the priest in black and the priest in white (shrine team) #the supergenius sorta rivalry (tsubakura & kuroji) #(not sure how to tag for YabuTsubaKuro all together) #(oh well) #Sorry I haven't been too active recently #I myself have been having some mental health struggles recently #nothing anywhere near as bad as Tsuba here #but it still made finishing this rather difficult #I just hope I handled the subject matter well...

[mammonprotectionsquad]

Oh lord this really got out of hand length wise and idk how I feel about all of this... but at the same time I really want to get this out so I can fiiiiiinally (potentially) post the two fics that I've finished months ago. But I felt like I needed to at least somehow write something about how especially her relationships to the brothers developed. Again, this doesn't really follow the canon storyline, because Belphie wasn't locked in the attic etc. Aaaanyway! I still hope you enjoy this mess lol Disclaimer: I didn't proof read it. (I'm too tired to do that rn xD) So I apologize if there are any mistakes

Forming Relationships

Obey Me oc Freya

It would've been a lie to say that it wasn't difficult to get used to things. Not only because everything in the Devildom was so different from what Freya was used to, but also because the majority of the seven brothers didn't exactly make it easy for her either. Belphie didn't bother hiding his distaste, to put it mildly, for humans. Lucifer didn't hold back with his constant threats for misbehaviour, Satan gave some snide remarks here and there, etc etc.

Which was why she was all the more glad about the bond she'd easily formed with the other three exchange students in a rather short time. Being around Simeon always had something... calming, warm. Easily helping chase the stress away that a long day surrounded by a shit ton of demons usally brought. Meanwhile things with Solomon were usually a bit more chaotic but really fun. (Also she'd quickly caught up on how it was mandatory to distract him from any cooking attempts, if they didn't want to make near death experiences.) And Luke? He was just a little ray of sunshine. Like the little brother she never had as dramatic as it probably sounded, she would've given her live for him. Not to mention how adorable it was that he was the one who always wanted to protect her. So whenver she talked about how exhausting another day had been or what had been thrown at her from either of the brothers, he would go on about how demons were not to be trusted to begin with. How he'd teach them a lesson on her behalf.

"Freya, if it should ever get too much there for you, you could always sleep here!"

"There's not enough room for me and I'd hate to intrude", she snorted, before taking another sip of tea the older angel had prepared for them.

"You wouldn't be intruding! You could simply sleep in my bed and... It would be something like a sleepover!"

Luke looked so excited about the possible sleepover, it was impossible not to feel all warm and fuzzy. Reaching out, she ruffled his hair.

"We don't need to wait for me to have to escape wanting to murder the brothers myself to have a sleepover. If you guys aren't busy we could have one this weekend?"

"Really?" Luke's bright eyes were nearly sparkling with sheer joy at that point.

"I'm in for that", Solomon suddenly perked up, head peeking out from his bedroom door.

"A sleepover sounds like it could be fun", Simeon agreed and so the planning began.

What's funny was that Freya even managed to somehow form a closer bond to Barbatos, before any of the brothers gave her a real chance. Well, Beelzebub was the exception. After a bit of a rocky start, they actually got to talking one night when they bumped into each other in the kitchen and she had offered him to make him a nice midnight snack, instead of having him just standing at the open fridge and shoving god knows what into his mouth.

One day she had been invited to join Diavolo for some tea, to talk about her time in the Devildom so far. Actually it was already the third time he'd invited her over. And she knew that it would probably end up with her telling him more about the human realm. Though when she arrived, Barbatos was of course the one greeting her.

"My apologies. I'm afraid Milord is still in a meeting. But he will be with you in a bit. Make yourself comfortable in the meantime and I'll bring you something to drink."

While she did follow him into a very over the top but nice looking salon, it only took a couple minutes until she got bored and actually decided to head into the direction the butler had disappeared in. And soon after she stepped into the kitchen where he was busy decorating a cake.

"Can I help with something?"

"Oh no, you're Lord Diavolo's guest."

"So what? I like helping out", she answered with a shrug, at the same time taking a couple steps further into the kitchen to have a better look at the way he expertly added the decorative elements on top of flawlessly spread frosting. "Can I at least keep you company? It's always kind of fascinating what you always manage to whip up and I'd love to see the master at work."

That actually tickled a smile out of Barbatos and he agreed. So as Freya watched him, they had a nice, relaxed conversation. Admittedly she was the one doing most of the talking but Barbatos, being the patient man he was, answered all sorts of questions she had. That's also how they ended up on the topic of pacts.

"Solomon told me that he made a pact with Asmodeus and you. How did that end up happening? I mean, sure. Powerful sorcerer and all but it was still kind of surprising. So what made you say yes?"

"I've had my reasons. Sometimes a pact can be benefitial for both sides."

"Alright, I got the hint. Keep your secrets, mysterious butler", Freya chuckled, before she took a bite of a cookie he had offered her earlier. It was still slightly warm and the chocolate he used for it was melting on her tongue.

"Are you interested in trying to form pacts? Or where did that suddenly come from?"

"Honestly? Not really. I don't see what use would be to potentially have power over someone else. I don't want to order anyone around or something like that. Not my thing. Especially if it would be against their will. I guess... I'm just curious what it would feel like? I don't know. From how Solomon explained it, it sounded like there's also a special bond with a pact. But maybe I'm just romanticising things too much."

She felt how heat rose into her cheeks from the embarrassment of her ramblings and scratched the back of her head rather sheepishly. A silence settled between the two, although it was anything but uncomfortable. Eventually Barbatos finished the cake and put it into the fridge to let the frosting harden up a bit again. When he turned to face her again, it nearly felt like his gaze was boring into her.

"If you want, I'll make a pact with you."

For a moment all she could do was blink, and blink again, mind going absolutely blank.

"Huh?" Had he really just offered to make a pact with her? Out of the blue?

"You genuinly don't seem like you'd take advantage of it and who knows, maybe it will be benefitial for both of us in the future after all."

There was a hint of a sly smirk, something that made her narrow her eyes ever so slightly, but it wasn't enough to unsettle her.

"I feel like there's something you know that I don't... But I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'd like to know what it's like so.... Okay. How does it work?"

"Well, firstly you have to pick a spot for the mark", he explained as he stepped closer.

"Mhm..." With pursed lips, Freya tiled her head back, green eyes glued to the ceiling as she tried to think of a spot. Maybe picking something that wasn't immediately visible at all times would be good. Especially when she eventually visited her family. "On my back would be good, I think."

Barbatos nodded and motioned for her to turn around, which she did. Then there was the lightest touch between her shoulder blades, followed by a short, bright glow.

"And done."

"Wait, that's it? No ritual or anything?" Her question drew a small, quiet laugh out of the butler, while he shook his head.

"No ritual necessary. It is all set and done now."

She couldn't quite explain why but for some reason it gave her a rush of happiness. Barbatos had always been pleasant and also fun to be around. The fact that he already trusted her enough to form a pact that easily with her? It managed to lift her mood and a bright smile broke out on her face.

Thankfully, as the weeks went on, the brothers also slowly but surely warmed up at least a bit towards her. It was already a big win in her books that the constant death threads had stopped. Also it was ineviteable that she began to pick up on everyones likes and dislikes, their little quirks and habits... And without really noticing it, she began to incorporate those in the things she did for the brothers.

She knew how Lucifer liked his coffee and eventually began bringing him a cup to his office, every now and then. At first she would set a tray next the door, knock and then leave as to not disturb him too much. Because she really didn't want to risk pissing him off and ending up getting srtung from the ceiling, like Mammon did countless times. But then she actually brought it inside, ignoring when she was told how it was pretty much suicide to "disturb him" when he was working. She'd even remind him to take breaks for his own sake. Not that he ever listened... But hey, she made it out alive every time and sometimes, just before she closed the door behind her again, she saw that he was in fact drinking the coffee. Something simple yet it made her smile that he accepted the small way of caring for him that she offered.

Asmodeus, and even Leviathan to some extend, warmed up to her when they found out that she wasn't half bad at sewing. Her family had never had that much money which was why at some point as a teenager she started to learn how to sew to either fix her clothes or even make her own completely from scratch.

One evening Asmo came into the living room, where Satan and her were both reading, whining about the seam of a sleeve from his favourite blouse came loose and he didn't have the time to bringe it to a tailor or do it himself, since he wanted to wear it that night when he went out.

"If you want you can put it in my room and I can fix it up later. I promise you that it's gonna look as good as new."

"You can really do that? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, Freya!", he nearly squealed, at the same time pretty much throwing himself at her and showering her face with kisses.

Levi on the other hand was a bit more reluctant to go to her and ask for her help. Funnily enough it was actully her who went to him, after Asmo had been the one to tell her about how Levi apparently bumped into some issues with a cosplay he was working on.

When it was his time to take care of dinner, the pink haired joined him in the kitchen, grabbing herself a glass of water.

"Hey Levi? Asmo said you hit a dead end with your cosplay?" She didn't miss how he tensed up or his ears turned a bright red, which was a stark contrast to his purple hair. So she hurried to continue before he'd go into a full on anxiety attack. "My little sister is also a lot into that and I usually helped her sew some things. If you want, I could have a look at your cosplay and maybe we'll be able to find a solution together."

He stayed quiet for another moment, most definitely contemplating her offer though in the end, he actually agreed and the next day she was even allowed to go into his room for the first time since she came to the Devildom.

Breaking the ice with Satan happened pretty much on accident. Freya caught a glimpse of the book he was apparently currently reading and recognized it.

"I know that one! It was really good. If you want we could talk about it, once you've finished reading it?"

She hadn't thought much about her offer at that time, it was just that she was sure everyone enjoyed talking about things they liked, right? And even if it were topics she didn't enjoy herself or wasn't well versed in, she'd always loved hearing people talk about stuff they were passionate about. Still she was somewhat surprised when Satan knocked at her door that same night. asking if her offer to discuss the book still stood.

From then on she found out that he had an interest in books from the human realm and as it seemed they had similar taste in genres. Which was how she ended up recommending him some of her favourites and they regularly had their book talks over a hot drink and sometimes some snacks as well.

It didn't take a genius to realize that Mammon constantly seemed to get into some sort of trouble. Most of the time it was connected to his sin. Aka it wasn't a rare occurance for things to "mysteriously" go missing. Usually she was only missing some small things that didn't have too much value. Neither emotionally nor cash wise, which was why she never really noticed it. But when a necklace she'd once gotten from her grandma went missing, her first thought was that she might've lost it. Hence why she asked the brothers if they might've seen it. And while no one had, their expressions all said that they had their suspicions.

Even after pretty much searching the entire house, she hadn't found it. Her heart dropping at the thought of having lost something that was very dear to her. Just when she was about to head back to her room, she could hear Lucifer calling out for the second oldest and dear lord, did he sound pissed... Curiosity took over and she followed the commotion. Mammon looked like he was either ready to drop to the floor and play dead or run for his life in hopes of escaping the wrath of his older brother.

"Mammoooon... What are you doing with Freya's necklace?!"

As upset as she was that he seemed to have been the culprit, in her time living with all of them she had figured out that sometimes the boys just couldn't help what they did. It was fueled by their sin and to some extend... She felt bad for Mammon. Mainly because he always got the most shit for his actions.

"You found it?", Freya chimed in and nearly bounced up to them, finally leaving her little hiding corner to grab the necklace out of Mammon's hand to put it on. "Thanks so much for helping me look for it~ I don't know what I would've done if I'd have actually lost it."

"Y-yeah, that's right! I told ya the great Mammon would find your stuff!"

Lucifer didn't look all too convinced, though he still dropped it and went back to his study. After making sure he was put of earshot, Freya turned back around towards the other man and fixed him with a glare.

"I won't rat you out", when Mammon opened his mouth to say something, she lifted a hand to stop him dead in his tracks, "under one condition. You stop stealing any of my shit. Do we have a deal?"

"Deal", he nodded quickly.

All in all, once that little issue was sorted out, she actually enjoyed spending time with the little trouble maker. Sure, he might've been a big tsundere, but he was fun to be around nevertheless. And no matter how many hundred years older he was, she sort of felt responsible for him. Which was also why she was usually the one to step in when his brothers took their "playful" bullying too far. Especially when it became obvious that it deeply affected the avatar of greed.

Belphie was... a special case. Sometimes he made her feel like he'd bite her, if she only got a little too close. Like a feral cat. But after hearing the reason from Beel why he despised humans so much, she couldn't even blame him all too much. She figured it was the best to give him time and space. That didn't mean her stupid mom friend instincts didn't kick in with him as well, though. Something Solomon liked to make fun of her for a lot. More than once had she found the youngest asleep in the strangest places. Usually just with his pillow, which couldn't have been very comfy or warm. Especially when he was fast asleep on the cold tile floor. Once she noticed that he even fell asleep in class more than once, she began to make it a habit to bring a smaller blanket with her to RAD. So whenever she found him passed out somewhere, she could at least throw the blanket over his shoulders.

She was convinced that he had at some point figured out that she was usually the one to make sure he was at least somewhat comfy when he slept, but neither of them ever talked out it. Until she was sitting on the couch in the library, engrossed in a book Satan had recommended to her , when suddenly someone flopped down next to her, followed by a head resting on her lap. It took her brain a moment to register that it was in fact Belphie who claimed her thighs as his pillow.

"At least you're comfortable...", was the only thing he mumbled, before he seemingly already fell asleep.

And as much as it was completely and utterly surprising, there was no denying that Freya got all giddy about the fact the little, spoiled brat seemed to have warmed up to her after all.

From there on things at HoL were far more relaxed and Freya even began to slowly consider it her second home. She spent more time with the brothers, got to know many new things and sides about them... Like Satan's love for cats. Or that one of Belphie's favourite napping spots was the planetarium. How many different sports Beel aced, how cracked Levi was at video games. That Mammon was terrified of horror movies, which was quite funny for a demon. Or how Lucifer actually let his guard down when he was alone with Freya. Admittedly, it was a rare occasion but that made her treasure those moments even more.

There was only one problem that came from it; that damn smug, prideful demon easily snuck his way into her heart. With the strange sense of security he gave her. Or their little playful banters when they challenged each other with something. How he made sure she was doing alright in his own ways... Like offering to help her study in case she was stuck somewhere. Sometimes he even accompanied her into the city to run some errands. At least when his time and work load allowed it. Not to forget the times he actually listened to her and, if a little reluctant, took a break which then ended with him teaching her how to play chess.

The biggest issue of it all weren't even the confusion she got from the feelings she started to develope for him. Oh no... It was actually the fact that she was still in a relationship, although there hadn't been all too much contact from her girlfriend's side the past couple weeks. Oh well, at least there were a couple of weeks left until she would be allowed to go back home for a weekend to visit her family. Until then she was sure she could make sense of the mess and emotions. But for now, she decided to mainly enjoy the shenanigans with the brothers, now that they all got along way better.

Masterlist

#obey me #obey me oc #obey me mc #obey me fanfic #obey me oneshot #shall we date obey me #obey me brothers #my writing

[mickmundy]

Hello dutchie! I've re-read your fics multiple times now and now I want to write my own! I have to ask: do you have any writing tips or advice about fanfic in general? I enjoy your pacing but I have no clue how you manage to update every week. Cheers!

OH MY GOD EEEEE ;___; IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT MY FRIEND!! AND HIII ^_^ that's so awesome im so proud of you!!! hmm idk if i'm really a great person to get advice from, this is just stuff that works for me personally and my hectic irl schedule so just take it with a grain of salt!! ;-; <3 BUT i will gladly talk about it HEHE!! i'll actually just make an entire post about my writing process at some point because making long posts forces me to reflect and i'm overdue for a Self Reflection on how i write so! if/when i do that i'll link it back on this post heh ^_^ BUT ANYWAY!

i have a few Personal Rules about posting/writing fic that i must never break... and this is...:

feel free to break up your (longer) fic into parts. this prevents SO much burnout and gives you time to breathe between writing! if you're in it for the long haul like me, it's easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you're on a Crunch, which is never good! :'(

so i don't technically write a new chapter every week and post it on friday; i've had malus, for example, complete for a few months now! and so now it just "posts on a queue" where i just upload the next chapter every week! so for example, if malus is 21 chapters, at 1 chapter a week, that gives me 21 weeks (about 5 months) to write my next fic. that's a lot of time!

always finish the fic before you post it. this seems super unrealistic At First but i love the "arc/seasons/parts" style of posting, especially if it's long fics. nobody's saying you have to finish a 293849283498234 chapter fic in one day LOL but if you find that you're overwhelmed at the idea of writing Long Fics, then don't write one! write shorter parts that Combine and Create a long fic! :-) see what i mean? this is also an effective way to show time passing in your fic instead of just "~*~ two years later ~*~"-type of disclaimers.

chapters shouldn't be more than like... 3 google doc pages and paragraphs should be broken up. i like keeping my fic chapters short-ish so that they're easily digestible and force readers to Linger on the parts that i want them to. giant walls of text can sometimes put Huge Moments in your fics at the risk of getting lost!

let yourself sit on it for at least 2 days before you post it. do not read your own fic during the "sitting on it" time. let yourself back away from it and invite your mind to think about other things!! i've caught a LOT of my own mistakes or inconsistencies this way!

much easier said than done, but try not to let yourself get wrapped up in "the numbers" of posting (views, kudos, etc). obviously our goal as creatives is to get our work seen, but please remember to value yourself and your art above the numbers game! ;-; it literally took me a year (as of january lol) of constantly promoting my fics on twt (and later on here once i made an acct) before i found all of the amazing readers i have now! ^u^ and i wouldn't trade them for the world. i'd happily take 10 readers who comment and talk to me like a person over 100 hits/kudos or whatever!

that being said, don't be afraid to promote your fics. i felt annoying and stupid promoing mine but i'm ultimately so glad i did

there are probably others but i think these are my biggest ones (other than delving into like. tf2-specific "guides" i have for myself but i won't bore you with those). as far as tips for outlining or planning, i just have a channel in my gf and i's server dedicated to my fic that i post random snippet's i've written and want to include, random one-word concepts, like literally any time my brain has a Fic Related Thought i slap it in there. i'm also a huge fan of Linear/Traditional outlining too and do that with my more Complicated/Larger concepts that i want to execute in my fics so that i can stay consistent! :-)

ILYYY BEST OF LUCK ON YOUR FIC WRITING ENDEAVORS MY FRIEND! ^u^

#dutchfoolery #asks #anonymous #^v^

[kaibaswifey]

Responding to a very long anon ask

yeah you're probably right about the outside stress thing, I've just never had it affect me like this before. It's weird.

Thank you so much for sharing and typing all of this. I appreciate that and will consider your advice. I think right now my goal is to just finish this big commission and be at peace with how it turns out lol. At least have the commissioner be happy with it. When I've finished that I can decide what I really want to do from there...

A new job is... not really in the cards. i mean I could probably easily get a job in the food industry or even possibly go back to my last job which paid well and was full-time but... The job I have right now is much easier. Even if I can't stand it still lol. I'm the type of person who does their job really well and ofc management always expects MORE out of ppl like that. It's so frustrating to do my job well and be around ppl who fucking suck and don't try and yet I'm the one getting shit on bc I'm not pushing past my limits. But at least at my job rn I don't rly interact with co-workers or customers. I just have to listen to their inane bullshit without responding lol.

I've thought about getting a second job but I don't rly want to work two jobs in one day and no one rly wants to hire someone who can't work like 24 hours or more.

I just wish I could find a job that I don't hate. I loved working at sonic, but that was because my co-workers were so great (plus i was awesome at being a carhop lol) but yeah i happened to leave that job at just the right time bc all my coworkers were leaving and there was new management... I think it's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing and I'll never find another job like that.

Ok no what I REALLY wish for is to not be a wage-slave. I learned that term "wage-slave" from this lady Emma in this video. I'd like to live like her some day, (except with electricity n running water lol) but it feels impossible or too far away.

my partner has applied for some jobs though and that's put me at ease a bit.

Food stamps is also something I've considered but ugh I've got to re-apply for my state insurance when I apply for food stamps and I'm afraid of somehow fucking it up and I REALLY can't afford to not be getting my meds for free. But I should probably just go ahead and do it I mean how can I possibly fuck it up idk I'm being paranoid. It's just fucking daunting.

anyway I don't rly mind if ppl pry into my real life lmao. I'm surprisingly not that private of a person.

again, thank you. <3

#auds talks

[purple-worm]

Thanks for the tag @lelephantsnail 💕

Favorite Color: peacock blue/midnight blue

Currently Reading: The Black Swan by Naseem Taleb. This is so unlike anything I’ve read. loving it so far. Padmarag by Rokeya Sakhawat Hossain. I hope I finish them.

Last Song: Dil Se Re by Rahman, Anupama and Anuradha. and Fanaa (Rahman, Tanvi, Sunitha). His concert reawakened my love for this song (actually all of his music, I had forgotten how much I loved it).

Last Series: I finished a Little Women rewatch (in love) and finally started Spy x Family. I love it! it's already starting to deliver the found family, I'm gonna be obsessed. Also watching Gaus electronics on the side. It’s pure chaos and zero brain cells in sight. I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did.

Last Movie: Nope. I need to rewatch this masterpiece.

Currently working on: just my portfolio. messing this one up big time if I dont stop procrastinating

share 10 different favourite characters from ten different pieces of media in no particular order, then tag 10 people: I'm doing 11 because I can't pick one from little women. I'm also quoting them (not necessarily their best lines, just the ones that come to my mind first) bc why not💕

1. Oh In-Joo (Little Women):

"Where do souls live? I always wanted a home where my soul could live." I can’t stop thinking about her characterization and development. They managed to keep Meg’s tenderness from the novel but added so much more. and they fit all of that with a surreal plot and significant commentary on capitalism and poverty. I love that they weaved in so much (and did it well).

2. Oh In-Kyung (Little Women):

"They're so fresh. They're fresh to the point that it's almost sexy". Fresh produce is…weirdly sexy. She gets it. Therefore, she is my favourite. Her layers make her feel so real, a part of the reason why I’m so obsessed w this show. Modern adaptations of classics are hard to get right, and I feel like this one treads those lines well. it is fresh (a full genre shift) but still manages to keep the essence.

3. Black (Not Me):

"Power is corrupting. Ideas are what have the power to transform society" My plot device of a man🥹🥹 Certainly deserved better. I could watch him wreck shit for days.

4. Dazai (Bungo Stray Dogs):

"No one can fully grasp another person's deepest emotions. It's impossible. Only you can understand what you're feeling. But generally speaking, I can tell you this. Most people tend to cry when their father dies." Can’t help but hate him. Can’t help but project onto him. He has fucked up a lot. and he will continue to do so. It is entertaining to watch, but sometimes he deserves a slap across the face (or several idk). Other times, a hug.

5. Wang (180 Degrees Longitude Passes Through Us):

"I will break free. Time is on my side, so I've decided to leave. But leaving doesn't mean I lost." I’m so proud of him. In a story where people struggled to change, he proved that it was still possible. His sheer will to gain something out of the heartbreaking experience he had, and to keep going despite being so lonely, so unheard. But also, the maturity to know which fights to pick. There’s so much to learn from him.

6. Togawa (Old Fashion Cupcake):

"I'm seducing you. I've been trying to seduce you, with everything I have. Although you never had a clue. I know...being seduced by someone of the same sex, isn't considered common sense for most people. Especially from a subordinate. But unfortunately, it's common sense to me. So I've been seducing you. I've been meaning to tell you this whole time, but I was afraid. I was scared of saying something that wasn't normal to you. But doing this...and telling you in such a horrible way... I'm so sorry. I like you. I like you so much, I could die." I couldn't have justified picking anything else.

7. Ink (Bad Buddy):

"It's so gainful" The icon that she is. gmm, get your ass up and give us a milklove GL 2023.

8. Anya (Spy x Family):

"Father is a tsundere." I've only had her for two episodes but if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

9. Fleabag (Fleabag):

"I don’t know what to do with it. With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now." I will always treasure fleabag.

10. Baek Hee-Sung (Flower of Evil):

"We’ve only known each other for 14 years. So of course, you’d be clueless of my intentions." Thinking about him leaves an ache in my chest. Mr. I've-never-felt-an-emotion really broke down on the streets after reuniting with his 4 yo daughter and then got called out by her for it. "Daddy, don't cry like before if you miss me, okay? You're a grown-up". So,, misunderstood.

11. Han Ju-Won (Beyond Evil):

"I'll be a monster and dive into hell. That is my way of atoning" He's on this list bc I miss his ass and this show.

Special mention to Choi Doil and Great Aunt (Little Women) bc they haven't left my mind. and Nozue (babe, togawa was only here bc of that iconic confession, i love you just as much) and Miw from 3 will be free💕 This was so much fun, thanks for tagging me @lelephantsnail <33 Also, I’m so happy to see that you’ve watched 180 degrees, and wanted to shred it to bits with analysis because that show absolutely deserves it. so much to dig into and have your heart wrecked. Feel free to yell at me about it any time.

Have a great day!💕

#i set myself up w this quote thing🤡 #took me longer than it should have bc horrible decision-making but what else is new #this was fun #to all the characters i didnt include: always in my heart i swear #i havent tagged anyone but if anyone is interested please go ahead #i’d love to see <3 #tag game

[dianaraven]

👀 👀 👀 tell me about your OCs

SORRY this took me so long to reply to, my brain was occupied with school 😭

ANYWAY, rn i got two Big oc projects that i'm obsessed with

first, is the oldie and goldie who ive talked about before on here. It's called The Makings of Magic (for a while it was under the tag tMoM on my blog but it has gone through so many changes since then that idk how much of that info is accurate)

The main character is Alic (prev Alec or Alexis) and shes the worlds biggest jock! (This is her and her bestie Gray by @lovermyme)

She plays in the minor leagues of a fantasy world sport. The story is about a big magical mystery in-world that the Bad Guys think that she's at the center of (the scars are from magical torture she endures during the course of the series) and she has no idea what is going on (ever). She's a big ol' dumb dumb... think the classic cool jock mc you're used to seeing in fantasy... that's her. She's not afraid of anything, as Gray says, Alic's like when you were a kid and did something dangerous knowing you could get hurt, but did it anyway and did, and thought it was still worth it and want to do it again. Her biggest character trait is being genuine and one of my favorite hobbies is doing crossovers (in my head) with other series where people lie a lot and aren't nice to each other and putting her in there until she annoys them into expressing themselves in appropriate ways (lol get Alic'ed). Anyway, I've had her since I was 10 y/o and I love her <3

Gray: Gray is her bestie and he and Alic are sorta in a qpr (its the best possible way I can explain their relationship). He's the prince of Alic's country and spends all of his time bending his personality to fit others, except for Alic where the two of them can share exactly 1 (one) braincell and cause Problems and i love that for him. He and their other friend Topaz are competency kink together. Him and Alic are asking you what the spanish word for tortilla is.

Topaz: Topaz! My boy! My baby boy! Topaz spends his days spying on other people, and most importantly trying to keep Alic out of trouble. He's the manager of Alic's team after Alic gets him the job by forcing him to be friends with her. He's still learning how to like, be a good friend but he loves Alic and would do anything for her, and eventually comes to love Gray too.

I'm not going to go into the rest of my ocs in this story here cuz we'd be here all day lol, but this is a taste of tMoM

Other series of mine I'm currently obsessed with is a fantasy thief series called Crystal Kingdom, and its MCs are Ziraphir and Leihari

I've never spoken about them here before but babe i gotta be honest im so obsessed with them, and since their series is a trilogy (which leads into a few companions in the world cuz the world is funky) and Alic's series, after over a decade of worldbuilding, is like.... 8, just for the main story, companions aside, that this is probably going to get finished and therefore, published first but Alic & co remains my most favoritest mcs

ANYWAY

Zira: my man... my cringe fail bi loser... my silly rabbit... Ziraphir is the mark. He's a grumpy prince who spends most of his time trying to catch all of the thieves who are constantly trying to rob him (for plot reasons) and its made him grumpy and rude and a little paranoid, but he's still infinitely lovable because.. like.. he's still an okay person despite being cringe fail. Dude's a walking carnival music. He's eating out of the garbage but like with dignity. He's petty and mean and hates everyone (except his bestie). He helps little kids with their homework. He's constantly losing. You know the drill.

Leihari: Girl may or may not be the bane of Ziraphir's existence. He isn't sure yet. She and he also get married at the end of b1 and that comes back to bite Zira. She also may or may not be a thief trying to rob Zira, but one thing is for sure, she's so much cooler than he will ever be. She's loving and caring, and most importantly, constantly winning. She's also petty and mostly pissed at Zira because he doesn't trust her, despite her giving him no reason not to (except that every new person he's met in the past three years has tried to rob him). It's so hard for her because even when Zira does finally fall in love with her, he's still constantly rude to her because he still thinks she's trying to rob him. Their relationship is fraught with tension because Zira, who is a good prince and a kind prince etc, is never actually nice to Leihari who falls in love with him despite herself. But eventually Zira gets over himself, and they get married, and live happily ever after... or do they?

I also have another series the first book of which i wrote for 2020 nano, but haven't started submitting to publishers yet bc it's a duology and I want my first published novel to be a standalone, but it you look up my diana writes stp tag you'll see a bunch of sneak peeks and stuff there, so lightning round cuz i guess i should mention them too: Save the Princess (or StP) is a duology set in a not-historically-accurate ancient israel where dragons are a thing, it's a prince and the pauper retelling

Adina: The prince, in this case. Adina is the opposite of a fantasy mc in the same way that Alic is the embodiment of one. Adina is awkward and constantly wrong, causes her own enemies (sometimes). Very quiet and polite and a little bashful and in no way understands how to use a sword (is actually kinda scared of hers). Adina is a princess whose brother just died suddenly and has no other male relatives able to take the crown and so now instead of preparing to being married off to someone else for a political alliance, she needs to actually learn about her own country and decides the best way to do this is to switch places with

Mara: a commoner who happens to look exactly like Adina, haha how funny crazy and not suspicious at all is that. Mara is angry and secretive and deadpan and the complete opposite of Adina... but she sure does look like her 🤔

Dekeli: Dekeli! My bastard man! Dude is the narrative pisser-off-er of Adina. He brings her out of her shell and is only technically around her because he's blackmailing her. That being said, he's also the only person she can trust. He's a main character in b1 but doesn't show up much in b2 which is very sad and we're all sad about it. He's funky, sarcastic, and likes teasing Adina.

#diana writes #nonns #diana replies #my ocs #the makings of magic #ck #stp #tmom #i had more portraits of all of them on my other phone but apparently those pics didnt save so theyre gone forever #these were the ones i could find in chat backlogs #diana's ocs #oc asks #diana wants attention #sorry for being so vague here i really wanna talk about my ocs constantly but plots im afraid to share cuz its the internet #also cuz im trying to avoid spoilers in case yall are actually interested enough to read the real books

[nasturtiumsforbreakfast]

R and O for the alphabet meme <3

Hello! ^^

I had a long day of travelling, so the delay in answering is cs I fell asleep on the sofa tbh

But, now I've remembered about this, let's see hm?

O = Orgasm Control: Would you give up your orgasms for somebody? Would you take them from somebody?

oh hmm I've never thought about it much - I tend to go the other way, and cum as many times as possible, if you see. But. Hmm.

Idk how successful I'd be at edging, there'd have to be like,, practice, probably, haha, for me to be any use at it, just cs it's so different from my usual, y'know? But I certainly wouldn't say no to giving it a go, absolutely - tho I'm not sure if I'd beg nicely, or eventually get snippy and bitey, it's a good experiment

As to taking them away from someone else - isn't it so much more fun to overstim someone, have them cum and cum and cum (all for me, because of me)? Or, well. It's an interesting thought, to say "you can't cum until (some thing or another)" - until I've finished marking you up, until you've had that vibe in you for x amount of time, until I have (not that that would be very long - unless we said, you get one for every two/three of mine, or something) - but it'd be very interesting, to have someone so nearly there and asking begging if they can fall, if I'd let them, please

Very interesting indeed

It's a shame I'm away from home for the weekend again, I spose it is like edging, to be thinking about this sort of thing and be unable to do anything about it until I get home Sunday night

Fuck no nut November, tho, jesus god I'm not doing that - I've already fluffed it multiple times, if I were, and bloody hellfire it was good (apologies to all you poor souls suffering - I hope 1st December is very good to you, if you manage to get that far without - I wish you the best of luck)

R = Rope: What’s your favorite means of tying somebody up?

Ah, here's one - theoretical again, I'm afraid, I don't have any practical knowledge - even of tying myself up, yet, tho I meant to - I bought this green paracord from work the other day, said I had a plant pot to macrame

Wish I had a person to macrame, instead haha

For myself, I want it mostly for tying my chest up, stop it bouncing if I do, y'know?

I do think the patterns people do look gorgeous tho, and I think it'd be nice to feel held like that, secure - know what I mean? I use my corset in a similar way, to feel held and and sexy tbh - but shibari can be like full-body right? Even better

Means as in position or means as in material, tho? Let's do both

Position -

there's limits to what I can do, myself, cs my joints are,,, not always good, so I can't be kneeling, or with my wrists bound at an angle - it'd have to be, hands and forearms, if you see, so I don't fuck up my dodgy wrists, and I can do cross-legged but not kneeling, for my truly awful knees

But I think that still leaves enough room to be creative, doesn't it?

As I said, I haven't tried anything yet, and I mostly want it for practical reasons, myself - but it would be quite the thing, to tie my legs apart in some manner, and then set a vibe on me, tie it in place, tie my hands so I couldn't do anything much to get more, - I think I might need hands on me, to cum, but even to have someone else do the vibe controlling, god

Um. I'm staying with family, I can't bring myself off in this house, much as I want to. No no nope. Mini nnn for me. Hnngh

Uh so uhhh as to tying someone else up, uh,,,

Kneeling, legs spread for me, hands hm oh y'know there's that where idk what it's called but like

With like a pole threaded, in the crook of the elbows and behind your back? I'd tie your hands flat to your chest, and that pole in place, right?

Make such a pretty picture for me, fuck

Hhh okay um where were we?

Oh, materials, that's right

I do like my paracord, tho I've not used it much - it's sturdy, but not like scratchy or anything - I've seen people do stuff with looks like thick garden twine, looks so scratchy :( I think cord is a lot nicer, tho I wouldn't say no to a couple thicknesses to choose from, make even more of a pretty picture by variation in pattern, decorative bits

Ooh, and colour, yes

Come to think of it, how would it go to use silk ribbon? Different colours and/or widths, such a pretty picture, so lovely and soft but you still can't move

Silk isn't very robust tho - here's me thinking, you could back it with cotton or something stronger - then, too, you'd have two choices - cotton (or whatever, it's too early in the morning to be thinking about fabric weight and stretch) against your skin and silk showing, for the picture you make, or, cotton showing and silk against your skin, for how it feels, all slinky and soft

There might be a business in that, if no one's thought of it already, such a lovely thought it is

[hetalea]

Words thrown into the void

Pretty sure it's been a few years since I've used this account and I doubt anyone's gonna see this but regardless of if sb sees it or not it doesn't matter

I've been holding a lot of things in recently that I feel the need to share but I'm not ready to verbalize yet so I feel like this blog is a good compromise because I share my words but not really probably since it's unlikely anyone's gonna see it and in any case I stay anonymous, so I might use it as a diary of sorts for the time being

I'm a medical resident in my very last few months of residency before becoming a GP I've been in therapy for 3 years following a depressive episode in the beginning of my residency related to anxiety and confidence issues

I'd been doing better these past few months but I feel like these days it's getting worse again, idk if it's the stress of finishing residency or due to other factors or even coincidental

I feel like my anxiety levels have spiked significantly in the last few weeks, I'm easily overwhelmed if I have to deal with too many things at once, I get angry extremely easily, I feel like crying after consults that I feel like I didn't handle in a satisfactory manner....

Thing is therapy, that used to help, feels more like a work meeting than actual therapy for me these days, I've been pretty happy with my therapist so far, she takes time to listen to my concerns, she gives good insights. Problem is these days our sessions feel more like the kind of meeting you'd have in a ward discussing patients than sessions to actually help me better myself. My main concern these days is that because my stress is so high and thus I get angry so easily sometimes I'm short or even bitchy with my patients, or they'll have so many complains in one consult that get overwhelmed, freeze, overlook stuff, switch to my "act in panic first then think later" mode,...thing is because of all of that I've been feeling extremely guilty for not treating my patients like I should or not delivering adequate care... thus I've been trying to talk to my therapist about that in past sessions, hoping to have some advice on how to manage myself so I can keep it together at least for the duration of the consult so I can act properly and professionally as I should, I've even asked her in the past about starting cognitive behavioral therapy which she agreed was a good idea and that we could do it but then it didn't happen. And now when I try to adress how inadequate I think my behavior is and how guilty I feel about it what happens is I get a course on the different types of postures a patient can adopt faced with their physician and which ones are pathological or not and we discuss cases we've each had where I get to vent about consults that frustrated me, but I get no actual advice on how to manage my stress when I feel myself becomming this short and bitchy and panicky over nothing during my consults...and I'm afraid soon she'll tell me we don't need sessions anymore, leaving me without anybody to help me get my shit together, because in our most recent sessions she's been remarking that I've become more confident than when we started our sessions, which is true but I still feel like I still have very flawed patterns of behaviors that I need to get rid of

I finish my residency in two months and then I'll have to work by myself without the safety net of having a supervisor in case of a freak out and that terrifies me and I don't know if I'm ready for it

My current supervisor seems satisfied with my work and even suggested several times he would like it if I could come sub-in for him during his vacations after I finish, which reassures me a bit because it at least means that even if I'm feeling inadequate I'm at least not a complete health hazard or danger to society but I feel like I can't be a proper doctor before I finish to deal with my shit and I fear my lack of confidence might make me a danger to my patients. Problem is, my anxiety won't magically disappear in two months, and I'll still have to work if I don't wanna starve

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I feel close to a breaking point. I had a week off in july and I had hoped that this would relieve my stress but doesn't feel like it has. I've taken up meditation again and forced myself to go back to the gym but I don't even feel the benefits that I used to feel from that

Maybe I'm just really tired; probably the fact that this whole month I've been working full time instead of my usual part time (since my supervisor at my other part-time place was in vacation) in a clinic that is very particular didn't help, I feel like it did burn me out a little but going back to my usual schedule for the past two weeks hasn't helped much yet, I feel instead that I brought all the stress-induced bad habits I've picked up from the clinic into my other location instead of becoming more balanced

Anyway, should probably try to go eat a proper meal and sleep early tonight so I have at least part of my life in order

#diary #therapy #work shit