#idk how to be okay anymore

[pastel-purity13]

#mine #vent #mental illness #depression #bpd #trauma #abuse #traumacore #ventcore #ok to rb #tw - me being stupid and overreacting #this is such a stupid thing to vent about but it's partly the reason i was so paranoid today #like i rlly prefer blending in and i rlly wanna appear as a happy and normal person coz when i was open about feeling depressed everyone #hated me and thought i was crazy or possessed idek okay - and for a couple years once the bullying stopped i managed to hide it quite well #like feeling depressed but randomly it got worse then i started un-repressing (if that's a word) memories of being m-worded and yeah #it got harder to hide and currently i feel like i'm quite obviously depressed which i hate coz if people at least think that i am then i #won't seem like a fun person then they'll hate me then i'll be alone forever which maybe i'm overreacting but like it's happened before so #idk but idk how to rlly act happy anymore or stop my eyes from looking so dead all the time honestly i'm so tired of life in general and #i spend all my energy distracting myself so there isn't much left in socialising - idk that one thing that happened in class (it wasn't even #a big thing) rlly messed me up today like i'm sure i'll forget about it tomorrow but argh i just feel like everyone hates me like there's a #lot to hate about me but still i rlly wish i could change it all yk?? i wish i also didn't depend sm on what other people think of me or #what i think they think if that makes sense - like i said tho this is pointless idk why it affects me sm but yeah i'll shut up now lol

[cowboy-dean]

“I've been here for a very long time. And I remember many things.”

#my art #castiel #supernatural #spn fanart #spn #the man who would be king #idk how to draw anymore!!!!! ihave given up!!!!! #anyways i love the scenes of cas on that little garden bench :^(((( #okay the more i look at this the more I Am Hating It i gotta go

[that-was-anticlimactic]

thinking about sokka not having a great head day, and since he never learned how to properly cope with his emotions, he just. stops talking. and at first everyone in the gaang is confused because sokka isn’t talking but he’s smiling (because he’s good at pretending he’s okay even if he can’t say he’s fine, he’ll find a way to express it) and he’s not isolating himself and he’s laughing soundlessly, so they kind of assume he’s playing a game or just doing a bit or something because this isn’t how sokka usually acts when something is wrong and they all join him, and suddenly that normalcy he was clinging too—the sound of his sister’s voice, his friends’ laughter vanishes and they keep exchanging looks like they’re all in the midst of this inside joke, and sokka feels like his throat is swelling and his tongue is lying limply in his mouth like a piece of dead wood and he can’t breathe but he can’t cry and he doesn’t know what’s wrong and it’s silent and he’s scared and confused and he doesn’t know what to do and he feels like everyone is mocking him and that they think his whole existence is a joke and he wants them to stop and to just talk but he can’t bring himself to say it because moving his mouth feels like pulling teeth and he can’t breakdown because he’s sokka and sokka doesn’t break down because sokka is strong and—

and then zuko finds him sitting out at night because somewhere along the way, he realized that something was wrong. and he sits and he talks to sokka and he doesn’t expect him to talk back. and apparently that’s what sokka needed—someone acknowledging that they noticed something was wrong and that they miss his voice and that they like it when he talks and that he’s not annoying but not expecting anything in return. and eventually, sokka begins to tear up and his body starts to shake because he still doesn’t really get what he’s feeling and what’s going on but he never cries because sokka doesn’t cry but zuko asks if he can touch him and he holds him and just keeps talking and eventually sokka falls asleep and he’s safe and understood in zuko’s arms and under yue’s light,,,

#i’m having a lot of thoughts okay sjdbksnsksn #yes some of this is based on personal experience but only like some of it #but i feel so strongly about sokka and his voice and how he perceives his voice and how his voice is super important to him but how #sometimes it also feels like a duty and a chore and he can’t mentally handle it anymore and so he stops but he doesn’t know what is wrong #and he doesn’t understand how something is wrong but something is building up in his chest and he’s about to explode but it’s all just a #joke just a bit and they’re children so they don’t need to waste their time worrying for him and— #ahem yes aNYWAYS #here’s a headcanon for y’all’s night lol #hope this isn’t stupid lol sobdksbdkbdkeb idk if it makes sense outside of my brain lol #which is why i said hopefully it isn’t stupid as in hopefully y’all understand what i’m saying skbsksnsknd #anyways #zukka #sokka

[ihatebnha]

older bf deku who's so gentle :( this also applies with kiri idk they have the same dilf vibes!

it's not very good but, trying to post this today was like trying to put water in a bucket full of holes. you need to be arrested for putting this imagery in my head. *scream*

(warning: genderneutral)

-

I honestly think Gentle is the most perfect word for this.

He toes around your relationship for a while, not wanting to impose, not knowing how to express that he wants more, wants whatever you have to give him.

He’s shy about holding hands, and always acts so surprised when you reach out for him, his face going red, fingers wrapping around yours so securely it's like they have no other purpose. Letting go is like shaking off tape; he forgets that you're attached and doesn't seem to remember how not to be when you reach for something else and again, he reaches to you.

He also doesn’t have a good grasp on like… greeting kisses. He wants to kiss you, always, but there’s still that lingering shock when you stand on your tippy toes when you first see him. It’s not just "hi," it’s "hi" and a kiss. It’s "goodbye" and a kiss. He didn’t realize it was going to be that easy... so sometimes he'll take multiples in the form of soft, little pecks with his forehead pressed to yours.

And I think… he’s hesitant to show you his apartment, too. It’s fine and all but really evident of the fact that he’s been living by himself for a while now. His couch is a loveseat. There’s one sink in the bathroom. His bed is not king sized but full sized… and when you still want to lay next to him on the first night you come over, your face squished to his chest, legs tangled up, it’s a big deal! Makes him go all soft inside to wrap the blanket around you just that little bit tighter, or scoot around so you can have the softer spot on the mattress.

Just all these little moments pile up. When you lean into him while watching a movie, his fingers just barely stroking across your shoulder. When you offer him bites of your food, and he offers you bites of his... and when you sit on his lap and ask for more and he holds your hands in his and it's just... the most tender moment ever.

Yeah. He's gentle. :((

-

God tho, Kiri too. The whole thing.

You invite him over to your place after a date and he’s… declining in order to give you space. You shiver in the morning breeze and he’s giving you his hoodie. You greet him and it’s just this long hug, more of a huddle than anything; his arms wrapped around you, his ear attuned to your greeting, your chin on his chest when you look up, and his kisses more like butterflies.

#deku #kirishima #deku x reader #i wanted to post this today but i literally had no free time #it was so weird bc i thought i did and then every time i tried to sit down and write it was like #*god banging pots and pans around* #anyway #idk if this is okay but i like it #i like gentle deku #i have no idea how to answer asks anymore sorry LOL #caitie post #ask #anon

[simgerale]

everybody meet jayne air

#ts4 #idk how to tag things anymore um #my sims #jayne air #sims edit #that'll do lol #i don't have a lot of time on my hands... like i did this half asleep after watching the new batman movie #i just wanted to make a sim! and i didn't really do anything #she was a cute premade that i tweaked #and yes i did her name like that on purpose #she's a book worm who writes stories in her free time #when she's not studying at her university library #i think she studies a language. i'm thinking french and a little greek on the side #she's just a random oc i guess #but i want to make small edits (but not really #like i'd just stage areas and do reshade lol) #of her activities #okay i'm going to bed now #you guys will see this in the morning i think #so have a good day :*****

[shima-draws]

If I’m sick tomorrow I have nobody but myself to blame. Wishing future Shima good luck after this 👍

#I've had this miso soup in my fridge for like 2 weeks. #Should I be eating it? Probably not #But am I doing it anyway? Yes. #My stomach can usually handle stuff like this but like. #Considering I was really really sick with a stomach bug last month idk if I can trust it anymore #ANYWAY I'll see how I feel tomorrow fnaklmdladsa #It tastes fine and it smells fine so I'm probably okay but. You know. #If I die from food poisoning tomorrow now you all know why #Shima speaks

[eijiroukiriot]

meetcute with the prince of the flame kingdom 🔥🔥

bonus bard kaminari off to get kirishima a date

#kiribaku #kirishima eijirou #bakugou katsuki #fantasy kiribaku #bnha #i love...this episode of at...i love the songs #i was so into finn x flame princess in middle school she was so cute #and their meetcute was so funny sdkjgf #i felt that finn getting slapped by a cool tough girl and immediately going 'dude im in love w her' was very #kirishima 'easily moved by bkg's manliness' eijirou #speaking of which. i have not drawn my boy in so long #he looks a little wonky which is what stops me from drawing him most of the time (fear of drawing him wonky) but. i still love him #and i like how it turned out w the coloring so maybe that's okay that his eyes are funky #anyway one of my roomies has been watching a lot of at so this song was on my mind!! #i ended up just using the regular fantasy au designs bc i wanted to do this w/o stressing abt it but maidsonas has a really good at au #idk if you can search for it anymore bc their blog's been deleted but i did reblog it. at least once #what can i say i'm a sucker for cool nonhuman designs #and that au features FIREWORK prince bkg #which is a really really fun interpretation. feels very at #anyway hi guys i hope you're having a nice warm summer day #my art

[dumbracoon]

thinking about how both venom and hualian are made of an insane pathetic man and his equally insane maniac demon lover.

#tgcf #hob #venom #listen idk how to make art anymore what matters here is the concept okay #if hualian could sense each others thoughts and feelings and were litteraly connected they would be so fucking insufferable #hualian #symbrock #xie lian #hua cheng #fanart

[writeouswriter]

Sites I like stop making garbage updates challenge

#not writing #first nanowrimo now bookoutlet #i can't even buy books in peace #oh i almost forgot imdb ugh #and so many other sites #they all going to that more bubbly look and it's annoying because it doesn't feel idk right anymore #like i'd say it doesn't feel clean but I don't think that's it I'd say it feels too clean and too soft and round on the edges #yeah that's it #nothing is sharp nothing is clear #it makes it hard to bring things into focus #it's no longer organized neatly or comprehensively or pleasingly or whatever it is simply big and round okay?? like how to describe #it's childproofed and I am the child it is proofed against #you see this in the sims 2 ui vs sims 3 ui as well #or no they are making it more childlike more sleek and simple in theory but in practice it's so simple it loses all practicality + intrigue #i sincerely don't know how to describe it but i hate it and i must scream #ignore me #this also applies to anything tumblr has done just as an add on

[selfcarecap]

this was so fun, thank you for tagging me, my loves 🥰 @t-lostinworlds and @lauras-collection (idk why the edges of the pics are curved like that idk if you can see—)

got bingo with both of you 😌😌 in the same line as well omg (i was so excited about that hahah)

no pressure tags (i’ve lost count of who’s done this already) : @devotion @peterbenjiparker @spideyspeaches @thephantomslibrary @simplyparker @reawritesthings @subspider @spidey-sophie @celestialholland @tomsholland2412 @kelieah + anyone who wants to, you can say i tagged you 🥰

(adding both colour templates)

#i really didn’t know how to phrase some of these 😭 #also don’t get it twisted comfortable clothes doesn’t mean ugly clothes 😌 and i only go to uni once a week so i usually dress tf up to go 💀 #all of you better pick the first one cause you all are #also #i was gonna add daddy issues 💀 #can you tell i couldn’t think of any more things at the end 😭 #also i changed the colour i hope that’s okay.. the original creator isn’t gonna see this but still😭 #also what did you guys use to add the text? i feel like everyone used the same and mine’s different. am i missing something sksjjshs #laura there were so many that i wanted to say yes to but i wasn’t sure 😭 like procrastinator yeah but not with important things #lazy yes but just mentally not physically #(i mean i don’t work out 💀 but yeah idk sksh) #shy yes but super shy? not anymore #hopeless romantic? yeah but also no? soshsjsj #takes everything personal? depends on the day sksjsh

[meguwumis]

sk8 and yoi parallels that i could not stop thinking about while watching the last ep

#sk8 rly looked at me and said fuck you regress back to when you were 14 and obsessed with yoi #and i said yeah okay #i cried in the ep lol #sorry for the shit quality it's been forever since i posted on tumblr idk how this works anymore #wont be surprised if this post already exists but jic it doesnt #i feel like this is an extremely important parallel #ok im done rambling #thank you sk8 #sk8 the infinity #sk8 spoilers #renga #sk8 ep 12 #yoi #vikturi

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt like. on the one hand the really valuable gender-affirming/-euphoric work done for me by things like the less-feminine cut of a men's tank top... and then on the other hand the level of, like, sartorial hypervigilance necessary for things that subtle to register, and the extent to which it's hard not to feel self-invalidating about that, as though that sort of attention to clothes were inherently feminine/feminizing...

#which like. obviously it isn't actually at all and i'm just giving too much subconscious credence to very dumb gender ideas‚ blergh #also if anything this is much more abt my ~socialization~ trauma than it is abt my gender #like if anything i'm hypervigilant abt this stuff bc i got constantly policed in various ways for my unfemininity growing up #until finally in self-defense i learned how to perform it in a way i could live with— #until then eventually i *couldn't* live with it anymore and had to give it up #it's just such a terrible tangle lol #like i can't help feeling like 'i'm traumatized bc i was insufficiently feminine but the trauma itself constitutes & confers femininity' #which like. truly this is when you know yr up a tree bc this is not a definition of femininity i like or believe‚ this is halfway 2 t*rfland #but bc i don't buy my own fundamental assertion abt my own identity—bc all my attempts to assert it historically got squashed— #i can't just say 'nevertheless' and decline 2 argue it out! but that's the only possible stance bc otherwise you get into all these weeds #anyway i shouldn't actually be pulling this post out of drafts bc it's a Mess but otoh the constant reflexive self-censorship is killing me #sometimes you gotta be allowed to be a mess on main a lil bit #but like. to be clear most of the gunk i'm mentioning here is nothing i actually endorse— #it's just like. you realize you feel bad abt a thing and start yanking on it and realize it's tied to all sorts of bullshit... #...that you thought you'd uprooted and consciously abhor but unfortunately it's still In You like microplastics #and while i often am like. okay probably i should just. think abt something else bc is scrutinizing any of this really serving me #it also kinda feels like. if i never address it it's just still gonna be lurking in there?? so idk. #anyway. #feelingsblogging #the psyche #what is gender we just don’t know #etc #something something bullshit abt the best way to be a Cool Girl is to be a boy but‚ like‚ in a 'girls' vision of boyhood' sort of way #it's such paralyzingly inescapable nonsense and truly truly gets you (me) nowhere #ANYWAY. really if i'm going 2 post this i shd at least delete the tag spiral but like. this way you get a sense of the Nonsense Swamp #like i KNOW none of this is useful or material in a certain sense and like. ultimately i'm chewing on this bc i'm not living #but like. okay. i know. it's still where i am. :/

[blueepelikan]

#I ate waaay too much trash today 😭 but it's okay this cheat day was needed #Loved the vibes of today #Alhamdulillah for the people that I have around me #We were playing some kind of card game and I swear I'm so stupid when it comes to understanding game rules 😭💀 #This whole time they were tying to explain it to me but it made literally no sense or maybe my brain just doesn't have the ability to focus #Today anymore 😭😂 #But I won this game on first round lool 😎 don't ask me how idk myself but everyone was too stunned to speak when I won #secret skills #photography

[cursebreakerfarrier]

Some people really be out here testing my patience >:(

#i shouldn’t call it ‘stealing’ per se but idk what else to label it as #but I try so hard not to use names for OCs that other people have used #especially ones so popular #because 1.) it gets confusing #and 2.) it’s kinda obvious and looks like I’ve copied whether it’s intentional or not #and I’m talking all names (first middle and surnames) #and it REALLY irks me when people I’m pretty friendly with use names I’ve used #and I’m mainly talking OCs I make a lot of content for HP or otherwise #i just don’t get it???? #i put so much thought into my OCs names like the meanings and how well they fit with a FC #i genuinely feel bad when I pick a name (particular first names) that someone else had used but some people are just ruthless #like I had no idea when I created akira that his surname was the same as talia’s #but val & I were just like lol what if we made a crack ship #and then takira was born and that ship owns my ass #but it seems to me that people are doing it on purpose and it’s not just with my OCs either so :// #is there no originality anymore??!! #like okay if your OC is named something popular like william or sarah or something that’s totally fair enough #but it’s like if someone used galen or ozymandias then is that not super obvious? #especially if it’s an OC in the same fandom but even if it’s not and you know me and my OCs then…. WHY #I’m sorry about this but it’s something that’s been bothering me for a while #and I absolutely had to get it off my chest before I started blocking people #gonna reblog this a couple of times I think #and I don’t want to be blocking people #people might think I’m being petty but at this point I don’t care #personal #rambles #hphl #hphm #hpma

[thisismisogynoir]

Saw a Reddit thread on AskWomen about women who thought they were lesbians until they ended up with guys and if that’s not the most invalidating and paranoia-inducing shit I’ve ever seen—

#like #i’m sure that is the experience for some #but as a lesbian it is super duper invalidating to see other women talk like that #because it’s like #you may THINK you’re a lesbian now but eventually you’ll get with a guy as you’re naturally and inevitably supposed to #is what they’re saying for me #not playing the blame game—okay maybe i am a little bit #but that’s just how it felt for me #gave me a miniature panic attack like what if i’m not a REAL lesbian even though I am #and then they talked about how sexuality is fluid and can shift over time #if that’s the case then why don’t i see anybody saying they thought they were gay until they fell in love with a woman like? #it just felt offensive like all women are expected to like men #and if they had just said they realized they were bi or pan then that would be fine #but instead no they had to go shit on all lesbians’ very sexuality and identity with the language they used #basically the way they said well i thought i was a lesbian BUT I’M NOT ANYMORE I REALIZED THAT I LIKED GUYS AFTER ALL #just irritated me severely #idk if i’m making sense here #i’m tired of lesbianism being treated as an experimental phase in a way that other sexualities aren’t #like just let us be lesbians and be fine that way goddamnit #and third and lastly why not put that shit in the bisexual or pansexual subreddits where lesbians don’t have to see it #the fucking audacity i swear #and maybe also while editing the language so that it doesn’t invalidate bi and pan women as well as lesbians in the process #just geez luisa people #okay rant over #for now at least lol #lesbian #lesbophobia #lesbian erasure #homophobia #comphet

[neriumdelusion]

People who infantilise (anyone but I’m being specific here) Kevin desertbluffs r so strange to me. What is it about an adult guy with a history of violence and trauma that makes you go “omg a child” like??? He’s in his 40s that man is an adult calm down with the whole “cinnamon roll” thing it’s so weird to say about anyone never mind Kevin. Like? Sorry did you listen to the same series I did.

More rant in tags because holy shit

#i listened to 73 on YouTube (I’ve been using Spotify but I used YouTube to re listen) #and the comments were absolutely the worst things #some guy referred to present day Kevin as a creepy monster which is #okay be mad about this actions I’m not upset if someone is anti murder but? #being against him because of his appearance #is fucking disgusting #those r scars my man #he was been severely injured and y’all think that’s the issue with this guy #Kevin has many problems but his looks are definitely not one of them #people either demonise him for his appearance or act like he’s a baby who can’t take care of himself #it’s not that Kevin is weak it’s that strex is a massive corporation and he didn’t really stand a chance against them #it’s the fault of the system not him #and he’s doing fine now in desert bluffs too he’s got a boyfriend and he’s got influence and strex isn’t around anymore #the comment was from years ago and we’ve all had our moment of being fuckinh weird so I just hope they’re not still like that #i don’t actually know how old Kevin is but I’m pretty sure he’s in his 40s #possibly late 30s? #idk #welcome to desertbluffs i guess! #wtnv #nerium rants #wtdb #kevin desertbluffs #tw infantilization

[pearl-kite]

Continuing to do some of the prompts @mihqorio sent in, this time [a] favorite OC in warm blanket. I legitimately cannot pick a favorite between Gale and Akos, but since I've already done two prompts for Gale, it's Akos' turn

Also, whatever it going on with this change to the post editor is bad. Badbadbad what is going on this is obnoxious

#asks #sort of anyway? #okay so I've done so many of these prompts that I enjoyed and then I hit that obnoxious plateau where everything looks terrible to me #but this one turned out /mostly/ okay which tbh is what I expected because I lov heem #still gave me some trouble but I like how the palette worked out #mih idk if you want me to tag you in these or not but since you sent the original prompts I figured? #kirehn draws #palette meme #drawing prompts #akos #mihqorio #like I said all my oldest children have hair that could fit into an anime well #akos originally had a very sasuke hair cut v_v;;; #then after a decade I finally gave him a haircut thank god #just now realizing it's actually a bit long but idgaf it stays #also really what's up with the editor? I can't copy/paste discord images anymore? it's just a link to the image? #what's up with that? #also not sure if this even tagged properly but that's not super new for tumbl #oh shit it's later than I thought I'm going to bed I have an interview tomorrow

[mikesmoustache]

all day (and for a while now actually) I keep getting this feeling like, I'm proud of doing something to get better, this is good, I'm happy about it, and then I think I should do something fun because I did something that was difficult for me. but then it's like a wave hits me and there's that screaming voice in my head again that tells me NO this is bad it's all pointless and nothing has changed and there's still a million things I need to do before I'm allowed to relax even for a moment.

it would be fantastic if that went away at some point.

#it's so incredibly annoying #like it's really hard to do anything when EVERYTHING feels pointless because there's still more that needs to be done #I just want to get better out of spite at this point. my brain is so fucking stupid sometimes. I need to prove it wrong #that's probably not a good mindset to have but idk how else to deal with this stupid thing #okay brain you're gonna be stupid? well then I'll fucking show you that you're stupid by not feeling that way anymore! fuck you! #I'm just so tired of feeling hopeless and/or anxious literally every moment of every day lol #personal

[hotgirlmagnus]

Yeah, we had a good time...

#shameless #shamelessedit #gallavichedit #imikhailo #tvedit #gallavich #i have no idea who to tag so... yah #this is the first step in the elton + shameless agenda #idk i was just listening to this song and was like... okay real #this is uglie idk how to do font work anymore lmao #edits #gifs

[candycannibal]

Having a very good hair day

#selfie #me #gpoy #okay to rb #tho idk why you would #he/they #trans #lgbtq #queer #idr how tags on tumblr work anymore