#idk how to tag cw stuff so i hope those are good ?
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I posted 3,855 times in 2022
That's 3,609 more posts than 2021!
648 posts created (17%)
3,207 posts reblogged (83%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@proudfreakmetarusonniku
@ruffboijuliaburnsides
@phantoids
@journal-number-3
@las-nevadas-corporate
I tagged 1,355 of my posts in 2022
#lr likes your art - 182 posts
#dsmp - 75 posts
#ua reblogs - 47 posts
#lehhohgoeszoom - 34 posts
#cdc reblogs - 29 posts
#cw food - 29 posts
#haha - 27 posts
#yeah - 27 posts
#passing ships - 27 posts
#creb - 26 posts
Longest Tag: 137 characters
#you know i don’t remember what an ost is but there are many people who go by ranboo and followers knowing your music taste isn’t atypical
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
@americans how many blazes are you getting???
i see a lot of post complaining about blazed posts but im in australia so ive gotten literally like none
15 notes - Posted September 26, 2022
#4
you know i rewatched the whole minecraft bu the sky is eating the world thing where mr soot kept saying that he was being an iron slut
i am beign a whore for copper. i need more fucking copper. 64 of those only translate to 7 blocks (and there should be an extra one but there isn;t because... maht?)
listen I have this massive room and it’s made of snow. and copper.
16 notes - Posted August 31, 2022
#3
“At this rate I see literally no difference between kicking your ass out of the balcony and not.”
oh my god.
this is the bullshit that keeps my love of centricide going
how would one describe centricide, genuinely?
EDIT: oh my god I am so sorry I forgot to mention this is a quote from the politi-girl fanfic series on ao3 sorry for forgetting to give credit to @politigirls on ao3
19 notes - Posted July 7, 2022
#2
you know, with all this reboot stuff, i just want to say that the ccs... idk, i feel like they dont completely get how funky the fans are. they’ll be real upset that you tore away the plot and characters and storylines they drew to love with a potential of everything failing more, and many will pull away
but even more so, i think many will stay.
im not sure if they realise that dsmp is really important to a lot of people, and how upsetting it would be to have it torn away after waiting and being paitient, endless fan content and community based around a plot that essentially got “Abandoned Work: Unfinished or Discontinued” slapped on it, but its important enough that even when you mock your fans for being there, even when you fuck them over, etc, etc, they will still watch because it was so good and they care enough and hope enough that theyll keep going until you reach really really shit
yeah lol. idk man
25 notes - Posted July 10, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
for me specifically as a teenager who has asthma, i just. maybe its just me, but i swear it can’t be. asthma is this frustrating creature who you get very sick of very quickly. when i have an asthma attack, i might be experiencing like. physcial struggle to breathe but cognitively im just annoyed and tired, and the most emotional reaction you’ll probably get out of me is just frustration or a little bit of fear if it goes on a little bit too long.
everyone is prickish about it, when i was younger i could never participate in sport and people thought i was so lucky when everything just hurt and my head was always light and the office ladies fucking despised me. no one wants to call it a real disability (what else is it? I dare you, tell me what a disability is), it makes you scared to do things, you dont want to run that race or try that sport because you know you won’t be able to do it. you need breaks while running. inhalers are more expensive the price stacks up over time
like when i have an asthma attack, i literally cannot just breathe. that is the entire problem. i cannot do breathing exercises, it does not matter whehter or not i look you in the eyes, i need the medication for my chronic illness.
i had this whole thing where a bunch of student in primary school like year 5-6 made videos about me, mocking me and calling me asthma attack girl, and pretending to have asthma attacks to be like look at (name) and how much shes faking!! and putting them online and they got a lot of shares.
“stop doing that stupid wheezing thing and just breathe”
“why are you coughing like that? don’t you want to breathe?”
“look at me, no, NO, HEY, HEY, look at me and breathe in- NO NO, BREATHE in and hey no-”
“you just lost control of yourself, you need to stay in control and not give in to the asthma”
like. fuck you. treat us with respect. also because your ableism is easy to clown on.
91 notes - Posted October 16, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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hh
#魔道祖师#xiao xingchen#晓星尘#xxc#xuexiao#mdzs#mdzs fanart#enucleation#eye horror#eye trauma#idk how to tag cw stuff so i hope those are good ?#sketch#cql#the untamed#ohh forgot to post this here
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about this blog
this blog is mostly just reblogs of stuff I enjoy!
shitposts, poetic stuff, space, anarchism, etc.
I do my best to avoid traditionally sensitive subjects as well as anything mentioning negative vibes. (idk how to word that better)
when I can’t avoid those things, or I feel that it is important enough to interrupt my normal feed, then I do my best to tag as accurately as I can.
I try to tag posts with content/trigger warnings, but I’m not perfect, so if you want something tagged just shoot me a message!
all non tw/cw tags I put on posts are mostly so I can find them later, not really to organize the blog in any meaningful way.
I do not have a bio because I want to avoid putting any personal details out on the internet. Best I can do for non-mutuals is to say that I’m an adult currently living in the US.
just in case it matters: radically inclusive anarchist, trans rights are human rights, israel smells and needs to go away, I hope all landlords have a Good Time™, etc.
#pinned post#I'm sure I'm forgetting some things but I'll add them when I remember them#and I'll need to reword this as well#but that's for future NS
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you matter to me
pairing: Rex x padawan!Reader
summary: Rex doesn't approve of the risk you took. Confronting you of your recklessness leads you to reveal more than he'd expected.
warnings: feeling worthless, small paragraph of dark thoughts, angst to fluff
a/n: So this little thing is the product of my Mulan rewatch. I've never written for Rex before and I hope this doesn't suck 🙃 Shoutout to @notreallybeccab for beta reading this cuz i am a disaster
I'm tossing this one out to @xmidnightwritingsx cuz you’re doing amazing hun and deserve all the love! Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! 🥳 ILYSM babes 💕💕
tag list: @kaminobiwan @notreallybeccab (apparently I'm doing this now 👀 idk how regularly I'm gonna be posting CW stuff but lemme know if you'd like to join my tag list!)
gif by @rise-of-ahsoka
"What were you thinking?!" Kix shoots his brother a warning glare but Rex dismisses him before he can utter a word. The medic looks to you wearily before taking his leave. "What you did was reckless and irresponsible. You took an unnecessary risk for a small reward." The Captain folds his arms across his chest as he comes to stand before you. The battered helmet on his head does nothing to hide his anger, not from you. You can sense the rage that's growing within him. Waves of red hot anger crash into you like an ocean in a raging storm.
"You could have gotten someone killed. You risked the lives of my men, my brothers! And what for? So you could attach a victory to your name?!" He scoffs in frustration. "You're a Jedi. These men trust you to protect them, not to lead them to their deaths." He's breathing hard when he finishes. His shoulders ease slightly now that he's said his piece.
Truth be told, he was more upset with your lack of regard for your safety than the actual risk you'd taken. But he can't voice those concerns, not with your current rankings. Not with your respective codes. Not yet.
His heart is pleading for you to look up and meet his eyes, to look past his visor and see the silent concern in them, but you keep your gaze firmly on your freshly bandaged arm. Your head hangs low as you pick at the bandage.
The room falls silent as he waits for you to say something, anything. Apologise for your carelessness, justify your actions, challenge him for speaking out of line - kriff, he just wants to hear your voice.
He shakes his head in disappointment when it becomes apparent that you aren’t going to speak, spinning on his heels sharply. You track his movement with your eyes until the medbay door slides open.
"Maybe what I really wanted was to prove I could do things right, so when I looked in the mirror, I’d see someone worthwhile." Your voice is low as you speak, as if not wanting him to hear it, but the slight tilt in his head tells you that he does.
You're not sure why you voiced your thoughts. Maybe it was the meds kicking in, or maybe you were just tired of pretending. Force, you were so kriffing tired. "But I was wrong," you continue. Your gaze falls to the floor when he moves to turn around. You didn't want to see the look of pity on his face. "I see nothing."
Rex feels his stomach drop as he turns to look at you. He didn't need the Force to feel the buried pain behind your words. The misguided anger seeps out of him like sand in an hourglass as he crosses the room to speak with you. He pulls his bucket off and drops it by his feet, letting the facade fall with it.
"Cyar’ika," he starts when he reaches the bedside. You dip your head further into your chest and he moves a gentle hand beneath your chin. "Cyar’ika, look at me." When your defeated gaze comes to meet his, he softens. "How long have you felt like this?" You shrug in response. Forever, you want to say.
He can't find the right words to tell you just how much you mean to him, so he envelopes you in his arms instead. He holds your head against his heart as he drops his to place a gentle kiss on your forehead. He hopes that you can feel the sincerity behind his actions.
"You're not worthless,” he sighs after a moment. “You're the strongest person I've ever met cyar’ika. I know that sometimes it’s hard to feel good enough after everything that we’ve lost.” He knows because there are days where he hates himself for everything he’s done, everything he didn’t do. He knows because there are nights where all he can hear are the screams of his brothers haunting him in his mind. He knows because there are moments where he wishes he could succumb to the darkness.
But he doesn’t tell you all that. Because this isn’t about him right now. This is about you.
“You don't have to be a hero to matter to someone." He hesitates before he says his next words. "I know it might not be much but...you matter to me." He feels you lean into his chest so he must be doing something right. "Nobody expects you to be perfect. You're enough as you are."
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CW: mentions of depression, bullying and ableism in real life, mentions of whump fiction containing dehumanization and slavery
Inspired by this post by @/whumpy-bunny (not tagging bc Idk if they would be interested in this) about the link between their trauma and the type of whump they like and dislike, I decided to explore this sort of thing for myself
I don’t have a trauma, as far as I know, but I do have depression, and I know that my liking of whumping is at least partly a coping mechanism, that thinking or reading about characters being hurt makes me feel less bad about things that hurt me
My depression comes a lot from the bullying I suffered as a kid, from both classmates and teachers, that made me believe awful things about myself and the world. I didn’t know at the times of the events, but I am autistic and many situations from back then that made me feel bad but weren’t exactly bullying turned out to be ableism.
I think I like super evil whumpers with no need for extra personality because that’s the way I think of my bullies: just shadows whose names and faces I may not even remember, but that hurt me a lot. I don’t want to think of them as people with their own lives, I did so when they were still in my life but now they’re just memories that I hate and that I want to hate
More than that, I do relate with pet/slave/dehumanized whumpees in a kinda weird way, because of course I was never in their shoes irl. But being autistic means that I think and do things differently from “everyone else” (allistics) but I have to live by “everyone else”’s rules, even when they don’t make sense to me, or when they hurt me. I didn’t choose to be like this, I can’t stop being like this. Ableists like the people who bullied me made me believe that I am not good enough to be like them. Some minor things in pet/slave/dehumanized whump feel familiar to this experience (even if on completely different levels) and I relate to this characters and I want to see them struggling but earning a happy ending. I love the caretakers telling them in many ways that they are human like everyone else, that they deserve better, they deserve to heal and be happy.
[My OC Violet was originally a self insert that I created back when I finally got out of the environment where I suffered so much. Her story was just supposed to be my life story with some sci fi on the side, but that was the year that I first started writing my whump story (Jay and Ni and Jane) and, though I didn’t know these terms back then, I basically realized I had the power to put stuff that gave me whumperflies in everything I wrote. So Violet became who she is today: a non human whumpee, who is treated like an object by the lab who owns her. It is a story in which she has doubts if the people who are important for her care about her, in which she has no control of her body that is mutilated again and again, in which she is threatened by the Doctor telling her no one would ever be on her side, if they knew what she was. That it’s only logical that everyone would want her to be hurt too. This is not my life, thank goodness, but it is story about how ableism makes me feel, and it’s full of my fav whump tropes. ]
As for whump I don’t like... hmm, not exactly that, but I prefer whumpee x caretaker and happy endings in these pet/slave/dehumanization stories because the moments of comfort are comforting for me too. A hopeful ending makes me feel hopeful too. And I need those good feelings. I avoid stories that won’t give me them. I also dislike caretaker turned whumper, I see the appeal of the idea and I have posts about it in my blog, but I wouldn’t read a story containing it. They make me feel kinda betrayed, even if this character is just meant as a whumper while another real caretaker will show up. Same about bad (as in negligent) caretaker.
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ANNOUNCEMENT
Hi guys and Happy New Year! I figured today would be a good time to post this as it is the beginning of 2021 and there’s some things I’d like to set straight after thinking about everything over the course of 2020.
⚠️ CW: Mentions about suicide attempts, mental health stuff ⚠️
So, first things first:
1. Game of Cat and Mouse
-I know. I know that it’s been a year since I’ve updated that fic. It’s been a year since I touched anything Saiouma or DR-related period (excluding that Goblin AU one-shot I did for Saiou Week). I’ve gotten asks, comments on said fic, and even a post tagging me on Twitter about when I’ll be posting the next chapter for Game of Cat and Mouse. The answer? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know when the next chapter will come. 2020 has been a total shitshow for me, just as it has been for everyone else. No matter how hard I have tried to get motivated to work on it (rereading my fic, talking about V3 with my friend Jhayde, etc), by the time I click on the word doc, all of my motivation just disappears and I go to work on something else instead. The fate of Game of Cat and Mouse along with my other Saiouma fic, requests, etc, will be stated below.
2. DR fandom + BNHA fandom
-So, I’m sure you all have noticed a shift in fandoms. I’ve been writing more for BNHA than I have been for DR (NDRV3, to be more specific). It’s because right now, I honestly don’t have any motivation to write for the DR fandom. It’s just not there anymore. Ever since what happened with me and my suicide attempt, it’s been a struggle to get back to the me that I know I am. And 2020 has honestly made it ten times worse. It’s a miracle that I’m still writing fics at all. I love Danganronpa, I really do. But right now, my heart’s just not into it. So, from here on out, I’m going to be leaving the fandom for some time. I do have intentions to return, since everyone’s been so nice to me and this might be the best fandom I’ve been a part of. I also want to finish Game of Cat and Mouse. But with how I am right now, it’s just not possible. So, Game of Cat and Mouse along with Love on Aisle Four will be put on hiatus until further notice. As for requests, they will be closed until further notice. For the ones that I’ve accepted: I don’t think I’ll be able to finish them. I really do apologize for having you wait so long only to hear me say that the requests will not be completed. Again, I really and sincerely apologize *bows*
In regards to BNHA: I find that writing Bakudeku is somewhat cathartic? When my depression started hitting me hard, I couldn’t write anything and it terrified me that I might potentially never be able to write again. The first thing I wrote after so long? Katsuki teaching Izuku how to cut an onion. It was so simple, so mundane, but it brought me joy for the first time in a while and I deadass cried in the facility I was at after my attempt. Ever since then, I’ve just...gravitated more to BNHA and Bakudeku. So, I’m going to stick with this fandom, even if it’s a huge one and I barely get noticed 😂
(I have spoken to some nice and encouraging people, though! So, I guess that’s a positive)
3. Other things to go over
-Like I mentioned before, 2020 was horrible from start to finish. It’s been horrible for me and for everyone else. My mental health has taken a huge hit and every day has been a struggle to keep myself from spiraling into self destructive thoughts and to stay positive. It’s hard. But, I want to try. I want to try and get better and feel happy. So I’m going to be focusing on the things that make me happy. I’m going to work on things and WIPs that I want to work on because it has felt like I’ve been doing things for the sake of others. I want to do things for me now, so I hope you understand.
I’m also going to be doing some pre-spring cleaning (I’m calling it that because it’s still winter) on my AO3! I’m going to take down some of my works that I haven’t touched in some time (I’m still thinking about what I wish to do with my ONS works like Seoul Lights and IASWASB, so those will stay up). I am also going to be changing my username once I get my fic for the Bakugou bang posted (I hope the name hasn’t been taken) and it will also be the last time I change my username since I’ve been tweaking it in the past. The username I have in mind is one I’ve really grown into over the past couple of years and I think that that’s the username for me. If I don’t get the one I want, I’ll either use something close to it or maybe my Twitter username, idk yet.
I...think this might be all I have to say? I’ll reblog this post with additional info if I need to, but otherwise, it’s a wrap! Again, I want to thank you all for the support and love you’ve given me in the DR fandom! It means so much to me. Like I said, I want to return eventually, but right now is just not that time. Hope you’ll looki forward to what I’ll be posting in the future, especially if you ship Bakudeku too :D
-kawaiikichi
(TL;DR I will be leaving the DR fandom for some time due to lack of motivation and fandom switches (I will return eventually), Game of Cat and Mouse along with my other Saiouma fic will be on hiatus, requests are closed until further notice, there will be some pre-spring cleaning done on my AO3 in the coming days)
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Hi Minnie! First of all, thank you for being so sweet, reasonable and respectful, I can't even describe how much joy your blog gives me! You are a true pro in emotional support for Evanstan fandom, so I guess I kinda need some reassurance. [1]
The thing is, as you probably know, some Seb stans on Twitter take the whole Chris insta situation and turn it into smth embarassing, like making fun of Seb and Mackie ignoring Chris and calling the idea of the challenge stupid (even though Chris did donate, not just "asked fans for money", as they say). It's like they feel the need to attack the first before smb calls they fav out. [2]
I know there ARE good people in Seb fandom, it's just that the aggressive ones are so loud and spread their bs so fast, I end up seeing it on my TL. No matter how stupid it sounds, it keeps making me sad to see so much hate towards Chris and his fans not from some random locals but from Seb stans. It's like two halves of my heart are torn apart. Not even ship-wise, it just seems so hard to love them both and be present on twitter these days. [3]
And, since I'm whiney af today, one more twitter thing: the CW promo era was some kind of honeymoon for us, sure, but I've recently seen some opinions on how Chris was all lovey-dovey and Seb was stiff and bored and uncomfortable, how their interviews were unnatural and boring. I mean, in my part of fandom (non-English speaking country) there has always been a popular perception of boys' dynamic as these "over-excited puppy playing around a confused cat" vids, if you know what I mean. [4]
But it kinda seemed ok for me, and the way they acted a little awkward around each other etc. Well, you can tell I'm easily affected cause now it does feel more negative to me. Stuuupid, I know. Maybe it's my "let's feel sorry for Chris and his fans" phase, idk. Sorry for bringing it here, you just seem to reassure people so well. [5 and last, it was long lol]
Hello my lovely!! This was indeed long hahaha but that’s totally fine, I myself am also someone who also has trouble keeping things short to I feel you 😘
This is a very long reply so I’m putting it under the cut so I don’t clog up people’s dashes!
Okay so first of all, let me say I was never a fan of Twitter, but everything I’ve heard lately has just lowered my opinion of it even further. I know there’s a lot of amazing stuff and brilliant folks on there as well, but it also seems to be where all the bitchy, hateful, entitled and inappropriate people congregate. So personally, I’m very happy with my little community on Tumblr when it comes to fandom, and for news and social media I prefer actual news outlets and instagram. The sad truth is that there are a lot of harmful and hateful opinions in the world, and as someone who struggles with anxiety, I try to find ways to avoid a lot of it. Especially the stuff I can’t do anything about (you can try to reason with most haters until you’re blue in the face, and 90% of the time it’s not going to make an ounce of difference). It’s much easier to curate your own experiences on platforms like Tumblr and even Instagram than it is on Twitter, or so I’ve gathered. So I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of helpful advice for you there apart from ‘maybe try and stay away from Twitter if you can’ which you probably don’t really want either...
As for the whole Seb vs Chris issue: it’s clearly completely ridiculous. There is no ground whatsoever to believe they’re at odds. At worst, they’re now just casual work friends, but there is no reason to believe there’s any bad blood. It’s interesting to consider that initially, the argument seemed to be they had fallen out and both disliked each other (no idea where that came from but sure), then it was that Chris didn’t like Sebastian (because he allegedly shaded him when he joked that Scarjo was the only one of his friends who came to see Lobby Hero), and then Chris got Instagram and tagged and followed Seb, but because Seb hasn’t responded to the challenge yet, he now apparently hates Chris. For what reason, god only knows, because only last year at MCM London (where I was present myself) Sebastian gushed about Chris and his experiences with him while filming the Cap movies, and lets not forget it was him who initiated the hug at the Endgame premiere. Long story short: they don’t dislike each other. They’re completely fine, people just like to make up drama for whatever reason.
As for the Sebastian stans who hate Chris and vice vera: to be honest, I wasn’t even really aware it was an issue until recently, because I was under the naive impression that it was kind of impossible to love one but hate the other. Both of them are such amiable, sweet, thoughtful, funny, talented guys, and everyone who actually knows them adores them, so why on earth anyone could hate either of them is beyond me. But even if you do, I genuinely don’t understand this need to pit them against each other? Why? I think a lot of it is down to people just liking drama, or being actual 12 year-olds who still see the world in a kind of high school dynamic-way. I’m not saying Chris and Sebastian have never done anything wrong, but in my opinion, none of it warrants outright hate or being cancelled over. It’s such an immature and unreasonable take. I’m just sorry for the people who can’t love both of them, because man, are they missing out! I understand that it’s painful for you to see all those opinions when you love both of them so much, but that’s why I try to just avoid them. I know they exist, but not seeing them makes dealing with it a whole lot easier, I promise! ❤️
With regard to the challenge itself: if the celebrities who are taking part in it are not donating themselves, then yeah, that would be problematic. However, we know that Chris donates to a ton of different charities, so there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s donated to this cause as well. Asking people to buy tickets to try and win this “prize” is not in itself an issue, if you ask me. People can think for themselves, can’t they? If they think it’s worth it, they think it’s worth it. They’re not being forced to part with their money, and moreover said money is being used to help people in need. Of course fake and problematic charities exist, but there are still good ones out there as well, so let’s assume for the moment this one is actually doing all of this from a genuine desire to help people and it’s not some money grabbing scheme.
Furthermore, as I’ve said so many times before, I really don’t believe Sebastian and Mackie are “ignoring” Chris. If they’re choosing not to do the challenge (they still might do it at some point) then I’m sure they have a good reason for that and it isn’t that they’re holding a grudge and are thinking “screw this charity and that Chris Evans, I’m going to ghost him to get my revenge!” I mean, do these people even realize how ridiculous that sounds 🙄 I also believe they would have let Chris know about their decision privately. They do have each other’s phone numbers, you know...
And lastly, about the CW press tour... I don’t know what footage these people have been watching to come to such conclusions, or what’s wrong with their eyes and ears, but that makes NO sense to me. I’ll tell you what; it was mostly the footage from the CW press tour that got me convinced there was something going in between the two of them! Both Chris and Sebastian acted in a way that screamed “smitten kittens” to me, and if there was ever any “stiffness” from Sebastian’s side, then that was no doubt just his slightly more reserved personality compared to Chris and Mackie’s. Chris and Sebastian’s videos together give me LIFE, so for anyone to call them boring is actually kind of insulting lol. To me, almost every interaction Chris and Seb had during that press tour showed that they were either low-key (in a friendship way) or high-key (in a romantic way) crushing on each other, and they clearly admire each other very much. Any awkwardness I’ve ever seen between them for me seemed to stem from that crush (is anyone not at least a little awkward around their crush sometimes?) and not from any dislike from either side. That’s actually such a ridiculous idea to me that it doesn’t even make me worried, it just makes me laugh. Some people really don’t have eyes, it seems.
Anyway, that was a reeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy long reply lmao, I’m sorry! I hope this helps a little though, because I do know how shitty it is to feel like you do about things that are supposed to make you happy!! Tuning out the haters and focusing on people who feel the same way you do in my experience is the best way to get to feeling good again 🥰 Big hug, and hopefully you’ll feel better soon!
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Hey! So I don’t know if other Muslims have the same reasoning but for me I consider posts about food to be a bit disrespectful because one of the main, if not the main, feature of Ramadan is fasting. If I see a post of, idk chocolate cake, then my mind will start to think about how it tastes and how good it looks and it’s just not right for when I’m fasting. As for NSFW, Ramadan is a month of purity and complete goodness and becoming closer to our Creator, and so sexual content and all that stuff is also not allowed. Hope this helps a bit!
I'm guessing you mean seeing posts about food is disrespectful from you lol not that any post existing is disrespectful.
See, I've seen other Muslims use your exact argument in the opposite direction (that it is infantilizing/undermining your resolve to have those things hidden from you) but clearly for you it helps. It's an interesting reminder that no single group is monolithic and what works for one person may not for the next.
I always tag N/SFW of course, and I'll tag 'food/ cw' for this month or let me know if anything else is preferred. Without the /.
Happy Ramadan! 💜
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(💌) : non-sexual intimacy ⌦ a lil brainstorm of scenarios & ideas i wanna include in my works • (cw: nsfw)
bath scene: for the love of god a bath scene doesn’t always have to involve sex. it doesn’t necessarily have to be aftercare. it doesn’t necessarily have to be pregame. write a god damn bath scene that’s literally no sex related
(i’m thinking out loud now but: character A and character B have been dating for a while so the whole feelings field is a little rocky rn because they’re in the process of falling and even though they’re already used to being intimate/have sex almost regularly but this is completely a new step into their relationship. terrifying as fuck btw. but it feels fucking good)
of course it also works with showering together! no monkey business though i’m watching you -__-
body painting/portrait painting: okay like everything that’s gonna be here these two are super cliches but for real i cannot think of anything more intimate than character A painting on character B���s back. the POTENTIAL here oh my god. also, character A painting a portrait of character B! it could be just as intense.
the key to write non-sexual intimacy is focusing on the details. show body language. make every single interaction count—every brush of hands, every time their eyes meet. make them be close and feel each other breathing.
thinking out loud again, but character A coming close to character B to focus on their features... to try to understand them. and character B just stands there a few inches away and they probably chuckle at first and get a little nervous because of the proximity and the silence but it fades away soon enough and the only thing they can think about is what character A might be seeing right now. what character A might be seeing on them and why there’s nothing but adoration in their eyes.
healing wound scene: another cliches. bc i love cliches. this one has so much potential like character A’s vulnerability exposed at its most while character B is trying to heal them. there’s so much forced (?) proximity here. a whole lot of breath descriptions to be done. hesitant stares. gentle caresses. use it all. also works with character A taking care of ill character B!
DANCING!!! everything about dancing!!! slow dancing!!! and it doesn’t have to be a whole idk waltz scene in the middle of a fancy ballroom. it doesn’t have to be grinding on e/o at a club (though it’d be a huge challenge to try to write that without making it sexual—sounds interesting). just make character A be cooking or washing the dishes or cleaning up their house and then character B goes and wrap them from behind and starts bouncing from side to side (yes i said i love cliches and i stand by that). and i repeat: they’re not. having. sex. they’re both tired after a very long day at work they had sex this morning before showering together omfg just let them dance make out in peace WILL YOU?
fixing e/o’s hair: it’s a way of creating intimacy from the very start. it seems shallow but there’s so much potential here, especially when you’re trying to create tension while the characters are still kinf of pining after e/o. add a little denial of feelings there—yk, the usual character A is struggling to admit they like character B and the sudden action makes them squirm under their touch and the proximity and the way they’re staring at each other and so on and so on—and voila! that’s how it all starts.
alternatives are: 1. character A noticing character B is cold and trying to help them warm up; 2. character A noticing character B’s clothes are a little messy and fixing it for them; 3. the bolder (and more likely to fall into plain sexual tension so take it as you will) “you have... wait, lemme just—” *wipes sauce away from the corner of character B’s lips*
playing with e/o’s hands! another super innocent but demostrative gesture please we love hand holding and hand playing in this house make sure you give your characters lots of those make sure their fingers always find each other they deserve it.
going out with friends: sharing a group of friends/having friends in common is almost essential for a couple. and it’s so special y’know, seeing the way you fit in that person’s life. and so imagine character A... slowly fitting into character’s B group of friends... and they’re a little shy at first but they end up finding themselves more and more comfortable around them and when they notice it just feels natural to be there and there’s where they notice how close they’ve gotten. like, when they’re already comfortable around e/o and it’s getting late the’re all just chatting as they drink or just hang out and character A is discreetly caressing character B’s back and character B leans against them and for a moment even though theire friends keep talking they lock themselves into their little bubble, character B asking character A sweet, caring things like “you okay? you tired? wanna go home? you having a good time?” and their friends /notice/ but they remain unbothered bc it’s just so normal for them to get like this when they’re together and--*breathes* so much potential here. ao3 tag domestic fluff (my favorite if you didn’t tell already)
having inside jokes!!! UNDERRATED!! there’s nothing more natural between whatever kind of relationship you are building than having inside jokes. like when you are with people and there’s something that reminds you of /that/ time with /that/ person and you start laughing and you wanna explain the people you’re with rn why it’s so funny and why you’re laughing so much and they might even chuckle a little but they just... don’t get it because that’s something that only /that/ person would understand. because it’s something ///yours///. and you just laugh to yourself and think... “they would be laughing if they were here.” and then the next time you see /that/ person the first thing you say is “ohhh the other day this happened and it reminded me of you.” and that’s just—beautiful. that’s fucking beautiful.
📝 on a side note: that’s all i got for now, i’ll keep updating this constantly. this is something i /really/ want to work on so i’m not too experienced yet and my ideas are still a little... non creative—let’s say. lmao i KNOW this is full of overused cliches But hopefully i’ll keep exploring and finding new stuff to add here! hope it’s useful!
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Tag Game!!
Tagged by @parkjinyoungnotjyp thank you, love ♥️
Rules: Answer the questions and then tag some people!
Last...
Drink: water
Call: my friend Rein
Text message: “I hope you’re feeling better ):”
Song you listened to: “Get You The Moon” — Kina ft. Snow
Time you cried: a week or two ago
Ever...
Dated someone twice: yes
Kissed someone and regretted it: nope
Been on cheap date: meaning bad or not that expensive? Bad: yes. Not that expensive: yes.
Lost someone special: yeah
Gotten drunk and thrown up: been drunk before but haven’t thrown up from drinking too much
In the last year, have you...
Made new friends: yes
Fallen out of love: yes
Laughed until you cried: yes LMAO just yesterday on the phone with Rein
Found out someone was talking about you: yeah
Met someone who changed you: yes
Found out who your friends are: yeah
Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: no
General:
How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: idk I don’t use my Facebook that much, I might go one like once or twice a year 😂
Do you have any pets: one cat
Do you want to change your name: yes
What did you do for your last birthday: spent it with my eldest sister and we at half of my cake at midnight LOL and we watched a bunch of films and tv shows and I think we played card or board games and just hung out and stuff. It was super chill.
What were you doing midnight last night: I was on the phone still with Rein 😂
What is something you can’t wait for: Christmas bc I can’t wait to see my eldest sister again and I’m excited to know if she got me these two books I really want 😂
What are you listening to currently: “Get You The Moon” — Kina ft. Snow
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes
Something that gets on my nerves: my dad lol
Most visited website: prob YouTube or ao3 or watchcartoononline
Hair color: currently it’s mostly brown with some faded blonde
Long or short hair: I have short hair currently
What do you like about yourself: my singing voice I like the most
Want any piercings: yes
Blood type: idk??
Nicknames: I have a lot LMAO my two most popular are Kofa and Jack
Relationship status: single
Zodiac sign: Virgo
Pronouns: she/her
Favorite tv show: Avatar: The Last Airbender; Fairy Tail; Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood; Digimon (the first four seasons); Secret Saturdays; Teen Titans; Voltron; a lost of the CW shows oof; and a lot of others
Tattoos: don’t currently have any but I have sketches of some I want oof
Right handed or left handed: right handed
Ever had surgery: nope
Piercings: don’t have any currently
Sports: I never played any but I like hockey
Dream vacation: Sweden and Scotland
Trainers: ?? No? Not really sure what this is asking lol
Eating: nothing currently 😂
Drinking: again nothing currently 😂
I’m about to watch: nothing tbh I might continue rewatching Fairy Tail later
Waiting for: dunno, I spoke of wanting Christmas to be here earlier for a couple reasons but after that I’m not really waiting for anything else honestly.
Want: more books LOL
Get married for: I would get married for love if I felt I was ready for that and my partner was ready too
Career: I don’t know? I was thinking about what I really want to do with my life the other day and I didn’t know so 🤷♀️ perhaps one day I’ll know and be certain
Hugs or kisses: both
Lips or eyes: both
Shorter or taller: I prefer taller when we’re talking about my idealistic partner LOL but both are fine regardless
Older or younger: oof I perfer older friends and partners but I’m chill with being around some younger people
Nice arms or nice stomach: uhhh don’t really matter to me tbh
Hookups or relationship: I’m fine with either
Troublemaker or hesitant: again I’m fine with either LOL im honestly just so chill and adaptable to most personality types
Have you ever...
Kissed a stranger: yeah
Drank hard liquor: yes
Lost glasses: yes
Turned someone down: yeah
Sex on the first date: technically kinda yeah lmaooo
Broken someone’s heart: ya
Had your heart broken: ya
Been arrested: nope
Cried when someone died: yes
Fallen for a friend: yeah
Do you believe in...
Yourself: sometimes
Miracles: nope
Love at first sight: nope
Kiss on the first date: sure
Angels: not like the religious god and Jesus angels but more like,, angels can be people?? Like when you meet someone who’s just so warm and feels safe to be around and makes others feel good about themselves all the time and just super sweet and never has a bad thing to say about literally anyone and stuff like that.. a pure soul. I believe those people are what angles are. What we as people should strive to be. Someone who leaves the world a bit kinder.
Other...
Best friend’s name: don’t have one
Eye color: blue
Favorite movie: “Inception” holds the number one spot
Favorite actor: dunno
Favorite food: dunno
Extrovert or introvert: introvert
Favorite flower: carnations
Favorite Hello Kitty characters: dunno, I was never into Hello Kitty
Tagging: anyone who sees this and wants to do it!!
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How do I become a girl without hormones? Or are there less strong ones I can take? I don't want to lose my sperm or the ability of uhm...uh an erection. Like I want to be a girl. I have no interest in it for a fetish. I want to dress like a girl and idk change my name to Abigail.
Sorry for being so late.
Frankly, don’t worry about the hormones as much right now. Get to an endocrinologist regarding transgender people to discuss those specifics about erectile ability & sterilization. however, if fertility is important to you try & freeze some sperm. I heard it costs a few grand, but for the years down the road... i’d go for it. (personally, i’d rather adopt or take in foster kids, but that’s me. Fertility reduces the barriers to parenthood, so you could avoid transphobic gatekeepers & stuff. Personally, i actually want those barriers for myself since I have other personal issues.)http://mytranshealth.com/http://transcaresite.org/?page_id=548https://www.transgenderpulse.com/endocrinologistsGranted, based on the lack of training regarding trans patients, you might need research that I don't have right now.Also, while i could give the jerk answer of “just dress like one” transmisogyny is a threat, (as can be present from gender invalidation of cis men when trying to make them do stuff, like the slur of "so gay", since they get applied to Designated males & people don't like it when their coercion don't work on you.)So what you’re probably asking about is Passing right? That’s probably where the hormones come in handy, lol. Also you should probably learn to be okay with not passing. (just to cover all of your bases). Here are some links, hope they help with that:http://www.ravishly.com/2014/12/20/i-got-it-wrong-purpose-trans-woman-passinghttp://www.wikihow.com/%22Pass%22-As-a-Womanhttp://www.refinery29.com/feminine-beauty-trans-women-passing-experiencehttps://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/3k8zkb/learning-how-to-dress-as-a-trans-womanhttp://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/how-love-being-non-passing/http://sillytranswoman.blogspot.com/2016/05/help-find-clothes-that-fit.html(femme orientated, not trans specific, I actually get a little weirded out reading it) https://feminizationsecrets.com/tag/mtf-passing-tips/If you can keep like body hair away that’d be helpful. Um the politics around vocals is exhausting to me, so i’d suggest trying to keep your pitch higher than your base, because it’s easier to go deeper than higher in pitch.Well, you can transition socially, but clerically that’s going to be more effective (helps with consistency a lot). So here’s some links regarding thathttps://www.transequality.org/documentshttp://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/name-change.html (CW: mentions historical & ongoing violence against transpeople, specifically women) Also get your gender marker changed on as much as you can. They typically require at least Appropriate Clinical Treatment (ACT), but other places require more like SRS, gender affirmation surgery ,etc . As of August 19, 2017 ACT’s been the standard (since the Obama Administration) for passport ID’s, although on-going only makes a valid ID for 2 years & completed makes one for 10 years. Birth certificates are subject to the laws of where you were born & as such the state that issued your birth certificate. Since it's a federal ID it should be valid across state lines, which would be helpful in case states start being with gender markers like they did with Defense Of Marriage Act (I'm not sure how, but I saw it in passing a couple of times earlier this year or towards the end of last year).https://www.transequality.org/documentshttps://www.transequality.org/know-your-rights/social-securityhttps://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/passports/information/gender.htmlfor presentation, confidence is everything. since if you are perfectly prepared & passing therefore, if you show doubt or worry, people do pick up on that so... you need confidence.
i'm not sure how to do the dressing because like "crossdressing" sites can be dysphoric & fetishizing & stuff, but basically try everything in the store, women's shoe sizes in USA are like men's size + 2. so if you have larger than size 8 feet, shoe shopping at conventional stores won't work because they typically carry up to women's size 10. also i usually hold pants & bottoms up to my wearing waistline so when you take the opposite ends of them & stretch them across that waistline, if they don't make it to the opposite sides of your body, then they waist is too small.walking can be gendered, but if you do it too exaggerated it might be seen as performance & unnatural...keep your body hair removed as humanly possible. some body hair is fine... but grooming is not optional, since get flack for body hair & it tends to grow heavier on men.
Good Luck, Peace & Love
Eve
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i have been thinking about participating in the sam wilson bang but i'm worried about writing something offensive without meaning too 😥😥 one of my friends got hate because she said she wanted bucky to be in black panther and the tags are full of hate..poeple seem to be a bit sensitive lately and i like sam but i dont want this to trigger an anxiety attack
This is a bit of a complicatedquestion for me, because tumblr can be quite US-centric and these things workquite differently where I’m from (idk if this works for all of Europe, but my personal experience at least is quitedifferent, more to do with where you’re from than with skin color) and I’mprobably constantly fucking up myself and still struggling to get better too, so ifanyone wants to chime in (or correct me if I got something wrong or whatever),please go ahead!
For starters, I’d say that just wanting to do things the right way meansyou’re more likely to be respectful. It means you’re watching out for thesethings and actively trying to improve, and probably that you’ll be more likelyto listen to what people have to say, more willing to listen to someonepointing out something you might’ve done wrong instead of reacting defensively.
The mods at the Sam’s Birthday Bangblog have included a couple links, I believe, that should be helpful and a goodstarting point, and also, most importantly, listen to what POC have to sayabout stuff.
I remember how, just after Civil Warcame out, I was talking to a friend about an OT4 fic with T’Challa as Sam,Steve and Bucky’s sugar daddy simply because the story seemed to just beperfect for it and ask for that fic. It had nothing to do with race for me, butI saw posts in which people explained why this wasn’t right and why it was about race whether I wanted it ornot, and I listened and learnt and stopped talking about/wanting that fic.
Sometimes it’s not so easy. I saw alot of posts post-CW about T’Challa x Sam and T’Challa x Bucky and aboutwhether it was okay or not to ship either or both of those things, because onewas segregation, and the other put white people in positions of power inWakanda. I looked at what POC had to say about that, and there seemed to be noconsensus – and I was talking to a friend about this recently, about how wesometimes talk about groups of people as if they all shared a collective mind,but ‘POC’ is not an abstract entity, it’s a lot of different people that havehad different life experiences and whose opinions might not always be the same –so sometimes you have to use your common sense.
In the end, I figured that if Iship both Sam and T’Challa with other people too, and ship them together forreasons that have nothing to do with their race, then I’m not being segregationist,and if I plot/write about T’Chucky (or T’Challa x any other white character) Ican go AU or actively try to make sure I’m not putting Bucky in a position wherehe’s above other people in Wakanda. I listened to the points POC were makingand tried to respect them in the best way I could. And of course I’m notperfect, but I think intent does matter.
I’m aware that I don’t know much, soall I can do is try to listen to people who do.
Also, though I imagine this won’t besuch a big issue within this event since it’s about Sam so he’s supposed to be the main character, but also maybe (andthis is something I’m guilty of too, because god, I’m far from done learning andeducating myself) give Sam his own agency when you include him in fic?
Like, if you’re writing a fic about,say, Steve and Bucky, and your story revolves solely around them, and whatsecondary characters there are only play a ‘supporting friend’ role, then I don’tthink having Sam in that role is racist per se. He is Steve’s friend, after all, and all your side-characters are being used in the same way, not justhim.
If, on the other hand, there’s moreto your story than just Steve and Bucky’s relationship, if there’s a certainplot that affects all the other characters, or if your secondary charactershave backstories and subplots of their own, then give Sam those too. Give him apurpose, make him meaningful to your story and don’t just have his subplot beto act as Steve’s best friend. If Nat and Clint are starting a relationship orgoing on missions maybe, and Tony and Pepper are having a baby, let Sam havethings happening to him too, have a life that’s not just about being there forSteve 24/7 (or for Bucky, or whatever).
And, ideally, if you say you likehim, then write fics about Sam too.As your main character. If you write a fic about Steve and have Sam acting asbest friend, then maybe write another fic afterwards in which those roles arereversed. Write a fic in which Sam is the main character and Steve is onlythere as moral support and best pal. Or if you write about T’Challa, don’t makehim just be there to help Bucky recover, remember that he’s king and just losthis father and might have a lot on his plate too. Or if you write about Tony,remember his best friend was Rhodey way before Bruce, remember that Rhodey wentto MIT with him and is fucking smart, remember that Rhodey was injured duringCW and maybe needs Tony to take care of him for a bit instead of the other wayaround.
(Also, thoughthis is a bit of a different issue… don’t pair Sam (or anyone) up with someonejust to get him out of the way of your ship. You can be a mono-shipper, and you canhave faves, and you don’t need to give any excuses as to why yourpreferences are what they are. But it is supereasy to tell when someone “ships” T’Chalcon, or SamNat (or NatSharon, or…) justbecause they feel like they need an excuse for not shipping any of them withSteve and/or Bucky. Like seriously the amount of people claiming to be fierce T’Chalconor NatSharon shippers but that then wouldn’t touch a fic about those ships witha ten-foot pole is downright hilarious, but this is something for a differentpost).
And re: theBucky in BP thing… I think it’s normal to want to see your fave, I’m sure noone thinks there’s any maliciousness there. You have a favorite character andyou want to see him all the time, it’s only logical. But we can also make aconscious effort to understand why in this particular case it’s important thatthe focus stays where it should stay, why this situation is different than whenwe all wanted to see Bucky in Ant-Man. It doesn’t mean you have to force yourselfinto hoping that he won’t show up inBP, just understand that maybe this isn’t what we should be talking about, and thatthis is not the right time to fill the BP tag with posts about Bucky.
This got super long and I probably made very little sense, but I hoped it helped a bit… TL;DR read those posts on how to write POC properly, listen to what people who know what they’re talking about have to say, and try to keep an open mind when being told that you did something wrong, even if you don’t see it.
And please do participate in the bang!! Everything we write can be subjected to criticism. The important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and try to become better (:
#*hugs you*#i'm not sure how to tag this#ummm#sam wilson#writing advice#??????#i hardly gave you any advice though#and i might've said a lot of stupid shit because i really don't feel like i can talk about this#so idk#ask to tag#and if you have anything to say at all about this please feel free#<3333#long post#i think maybe i should put a read more cut#but the app constantly fucks those up so idk#t^t#anons#Grey Paladin#viper replies#ask
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RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8
In this post:
#2: How to handle surgery-related diets
#4: our fave recovery blogs
#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo
#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts
[CW behavior mention]
1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?
FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!
2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?
Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.
First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.
Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.
Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.
Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.
I hope things went well for you <3
3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.
You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3
4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤
Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag
5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"
That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.
For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.
Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.
And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).
Sending you lots of love <3
[CW poop mention]
6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.
First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.
7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!
:D will do!
[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image]
8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…
Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.
Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.
Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.
In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.
Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.
And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.
Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.
Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.
Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3
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