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#idk i have a lot on my mind and a lot of feelings right now

sometimes i think “nahhh i was completely fine as a kid, just a bit weird maybe” & then i remember the sheer amount i cried/burst into tears at primary school whenever i: “wasn’t sure” abt something (which i would now be able to explain such a predicament better), wasn’t sure what to do n was terrified of being wrong but the teacher didn’t answer me before moving on so i panicked, couldn’t explain something right and was afraid i messed up in some way, or worse, if i was wrong or even slightly “in trouble”, and how almost any of that just ruined my day half the time.

& then i think yea, maybe that might be something. but hell if i know what

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me: ok this scene should be third person vlad’s pov

outline: ok yes this scene is third person vlad’s pov

me writing the scene: it’s karl time :)

#i was supposed to write like the scene from vlad's pov and vlad's feelings and shit but i started with a thing abt karl and karl's uhhh, #life? feelings? whatever sjdjsjd and so it's kinda karl pov now n i dont know what to do skdbsjdbsjf, #i could jsut. write from vlad's pov from now on since what i wrote isnt strictly like karl's pov but idk if that'd be weird, #or i could use that start in another scene sjhfsjdhsjfh but it's written specifically for this scene and idk if a) it'd fit for any other, #scene and if b) it would rob this scene of its plot skfbsjdbsjfb, #im writing a 5+1 zkbdjsbfnsf and this one is abt what ive written but it was supposed to be vlad's pov😭😭😭, #maybe i Will just start writing vlad's pov whatever, #also idk if im writign them too ooc😭😭😭😭, #sjfjskfbjs but whatever im having fun and it is supposed to be Super Fluffy and Cute and aaaaa i cant wait to get to the +1, #im writing the 3rd one rn and im going to do the +1 next bc i havent planned no.5 (i only have 3 & 4 planned ajdbjsb) and aaaaa it's so cute, #well it will be, #well it might be, #ive fleshed it out a lot and it has three alternatives but i think im going for the one i planned the most bc it's. so cute, #aaaaaaaaa i wanna write it, #but ive already planned the 3rd in my mind so i have to write it out, #hehehehe i cant wait, #this is abt gsp but idk if i want it to show up on the tag skfbskfjskfj, #gaya sa pelikula, #it's supposed to not show up right???? it's like sooo behind in tag placing, #honey talk
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It feels so fucked up to go from anxiety and sprialing and idk what even else abd then it just shut off either from a sudden distraction or just time passing or whatever

Like i know I’m still not ok and clearly have something wrong going on and the issue is unresolved. But none if the emotions are there and I’m tired of it and dont even want to think or deal with it. And almost cant even access it anymore for the moment

And then of course there an embarassed or idk feeling added of “why did I just be like that” made even worse by having a witness or sorts from texts sent or whatever

And it just all combines into one really kinda fucked up feeling

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ok yeah i’m just gonna rant in the tags

#maybe this is quarantine but i’ve just been so unmotivated lately, #it feels like i’m barely scraping by and that makes no sense because on paper everything is great. and i have so much to be thankful for!!, #but i’m just not getting that rewarding feeling anymore??, #like school for instance my lowest grade in a class is a b+ but it feels like i’m failing everything, #and i know this is because i procrastinate and get anxious and whatnot but i just don’t really know what to do with this feeling, #i’ve been kinda sick lately and just really tired so i’ve been copying assignments and stuff and as an Overachiever thats been weighing onme, #like i hate not understanding the material and not earning success it makes me feel gross but, #i always feel so sick during class i can’t focus, #and idk we’ll figure out what’s going on as in why my physical health is so shit but i’m just so stressed right now my chest hurts a lil, #like it’ll all be fine this will pass but god it feels like every day is the same and my joys are short lasting, #and i’m trying my best but my best pales in comparison to who i used to be, #i need to stop romanticizing the past and work on my toxic habits, #but god life is just... mundane and difficult but i’m living one day at a time and that’s all i can ask for ig, #if anyone has advice or anything... i’d appreciate it a lot, #just wanted to rant, #shut up annie, #god if i could stop procrastinating and wasting time and shit i could actually have time to enjoy myself. half of this boils down, #to time management like JESUS GO TO SLEEP YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, #but it’s so hard to change your lifestyle. i’m overwhelmed and it’s all in my mind but it’s :))))))), #it’s like there’s a blue tinge underneath everything. light blue ish gray but not in a pretty way it’s just dull and cold, #idk yeehaw sorry if this brings you down :/
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.

#tw breakdown, #so um, #aha, #i don’t like to talk about ✨anxiety✨ and things similar to that because it just gets me like, #not panicky but not jittery just sorta tense I guess???, #so I had one of my first nervous breakdowns and I gotta say, #not my favorite experience would not reccomended, #like I’ve had anxiety attacks before and that was just so different, #it sucked so fucking much is basically what I’m tryin to say, #I usually don’t really curse cause it makes me uncomfy but that deserves a curse word, #and I’m already nonverbal when I have anxiety attacks but now I’m like extra-nonverbal idk how else to say it, #my mom’s understanding about it n stuff and helping me with stuff which is like!! awesome!!, #she’s a tough lover so this stuff doesn’t happen a lot but uh, #yea my nana was disrespectful about it and saying that other people have problems too and I did this to myself for attention and to push.., #her feelings out of the way and make myself the spotlight. um. yea no I don’t think anyone would have a breakdown to get attention, #like idk how to feel about it I don’t want to bring it up to her but now she’s just mad at me and idk what to do???, #like I already don’t want to talk to anyone right now because it makes me uncomfortable right now and probably will for a few days, #it’s basically not a really good time right now and idk how else to say it, #imma do some coloring pages and reblog some stuff for a bit to get it off my mind so.., #yea I love y’all and I’ll reblog some stuff I like :)
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