#idk i’m tired and upset now and it’s almost 1am

[directorphobos]

I don’t wanna be clocked as the “I’m better than you disabled type” for saying this, so please don’t go there. But I feel like people do have a problem with getting way too comfortable in their misery over the years here and I hope people see what I mean one day. Back when I was miserable myself and didn’t have the resources I do now, I used to get angry at those who said I’m capable of “doing more” or related but after receiving the help I’ve needed I’ve come to realize its a kind of fucked how normalized its been in these spaces to just.. use specific experiences or illnesses as a scapegoat? For a lack of better words. I used to do it but again, it’s normalized here I guess.. we’re capable of so much more and I’m growing more and more tired of the “I’m x so I can’t do x” thing..

I’m diagnosed with various things, some expected some new, I’ve been through heaps of traumatizing both irl and online situations resulting in the cptsd, chronic depression, BPD, some sort of dissociative disorder etc all being treated. What gets me though, is I see people experience way more mild things that they end up intensely identify with and blaming it or a few bad experiences on every negative trait they have, and don’t try and change anything. A lot of the time leading to misdiagnosing themselves as well with something serious, and yeah, I get mad about it. I get that people don’t all experience things the same but the same awwrghwk729191

The more I see this sort of thing taken happen between mutuals/acquaintances etc after I provide my insight the more (unreasonably?) angry I get? Because in my mind I guess people should know better but at the same time they haven’t been “enlightened” like I have so to speak. I’ve helped a couple of people, but some are so, so stuck in the “I’m this so I can’t do that or be expected to” thing and I only see this mindset in people who are very stuck on social media. I do not see this in people who are more “offline” or focus more on projects/friends/etc who have been through a lot like I have as well.

And just like. Dude.

[CW experience dump of unpleasantness];

If I can go through 13ish years of back to back domestic violence, witnessing my parent trying to kill themself multiple times, being woken up to screaming at 1am almost every day for months at one point, see people get beat, get beaten myself, have someone try to run me/family over twice, have a sibling die, endure s/a and on top of that be sent through multiple manipulators online after thinking I was through it all; I’m sure others with more “mild” problems in comparison they’ve ever went through can pull out of the “I’m so constantly drained and I can’t do xyz thing,” like I have, with work. But they have to really want it, when I get angry is when I see someone perfectly capable of using those resources and they don’t, but instead sink more into the “I can’t to blah” mindset.

I guess yeah there’s no hiding that this is a direct nod towards something that happened to me/someone recently, but nothing would change even if I dumped my feelings which I’ve done way too much of and itd always amount to nothing sooo instead I’ll just dump about what I see it all relating to in online phenomena. I’ll never be satisfied with how a friendship fell apart because of [the everything], and I could explain my pov further but I don’t want to get anymore specific than I am + I’m all around very certain it all culminates to this sort of thing. Out of all the worries I have recently reflecting on this is the only upsetting thing I’ve really been through recently besides random works issues and I think this will plague me for a long, long time. Wegh

Ty for the like attention span of idk 3 peanuts of my 50-ish followers who would read this post 🏓

#chatter #rant #yyyeah #I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and its bouncing between aggression to how common and dehibilitating of a mindset it is #and neutrality #I am just getting this off my mind so it won’t just sit n burden me I guess #thanks tumblr for not limiting my words #I hate ‘vaguing’ like this but I mean if it fits it fits and this is an unresolved problem I’ve tried to resolve for so long #it always amounts to nothing #vent

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Today was not the best. I thought institute and hanging out w friends afterwards would redeem it, but it didn’t. I’m way off w my sleeping schedule, and apparently I’m to blame for starting a fight between my lil sis and her boyfriend, when I think it’s just him being insecure but whatever.

#Ella life #my thoughts #at least I had 3 full meals and did laundry and mopping #and even got my makeup looking good all while in the car and w no makeup remover #and my outfit was good and I looked hot #but yeah my lil sis is in a long distance relationship #and she got mad at me when we got home bc I left her and a guy friend alone in the car for a short ride #bc I wanted to ride w my friends #not my fault her boyfriend is insecure #now she’s like ‘I’m never hanging out w friends after institute again’ #he’s a clingy boyfriend and their love languages don’t match up #and doesn’t trust her to be able to have or be alone w guy friends #like dump him #SORRY! #idk i’m tired and upset now and it’s almost 1am #I’m going to sleep #if anyone wants to let me rant at them tomorrow lemme know

[fluffymcu]

Grades (Tony x daughter!reader)

Sorry if this is crappy, it’s 1am and I haven’t slept for three days straight so I’m really tired and my brain is functioning correctly 🙃 but enjoy @mettatonlover858

Warnings: bit of angst? Fluff. Kinda dry friendship with peter? Idk why I wrote it like this but I did.

Your grades were slipping. It want your fault though. You were very smart. You were Tony Stark’s daughter so that wasn’t a doubt you were a genius. But it’s just that one kid in class that has to break someone down to feel better about themselves. At first you always brushed it off or ignored it, but as time went on, you found yourself being affected by it. Peter would defend you most of the time when he was there to hear it, but he wasn’t always around when it happened. And although you had inherited a lot from your father; his stubbornness, looks, and smarts, you didn’t inherit his self confidence or ability to spit out sarcastic remarks. You were a sensitive person. So it was hard for you to stand up for yourself.

“What am I gonna do?” You mumbled, rubbing your eyes with your palms. “My dad’s gonna get after me for letting my grades get this low.” Peter looked at you with sympathy.

“I wish u could tell you what to do. But I really don’t know. I’m really sorry y/n/n.” You sighed, nodding.

“It’s fine. I know I’m keeping you from your patrol. Go ahead. Be careful.” You watched as peter pulled over his back back and went for the door.

“Well, let me know it goes.” Peter said.

“Ok.” You watched peter leave and got your stuff and left his house to go home. Maybe you don’t have to tell him about it yet? Maybe you can wait a couple of weeks and get your grades back up again before he finds out? You sighed, agreeing with yourself that that was what you were going to do.

As you got home, your plan was ruined as you were met with your fathers eyes, laced with anger and disappointment. Your stomach dropped and you stood there.

“Umm.” You gulped, waiting for anything to happen.

“Your teacher called.” That was all you had to hear before you turned your gaze to the floor, ashamed. He took a few steps towards you. “Your grades are so. Low. It’s. Insane.” He ground out. You sighed.

“I can explain that-“ you tried to say before he cut you off.

“No y/n zip it. This is unacceptable! You were put in this school to succeed and get good grades. What’s the point in going to a good school if you’re gonna get grades like you’re getting?!”

“I know, but-“

“And it’s not just that, you’ve been so out of it lately, first the sudden quietness out of you, next the locking yourself in your room constantly, shutting yourself off, and now these grades! What has gotten into you? I don’t understand-“

“That’s right you don’t understand!” Your snapped, tears stinging your eyes. “You don’t understand what it’s like to be picked on every single day and not being able to do anything for yourself because you’re too shy and sensitive to fight back because you’re you! You’ve never had a problem saying what you think or putting someone in their place. But I do! So I do understand why you don’t get why this is happening. And I don’t expect you to understand. I’m trying my best!” You sniffled, making a beeline to your room, shutting the door, leaving your dad standing there surprised.

Tony left you to your room to calm while he did the same. He spent time trying to connect the dots, everything that had been happening. He mentally facepalmed at the fact that he never thought to ask you if there was anything going on. He sighed deeply and made his way to your room. He knocked softly before trying to turn the doorknob, only to find it locked.

“Y/n? Can you let me in?” He asked softly, his heart cracking at the sound of your sniffling.

“You don’t need to give me another speech. I get it. I’ll get my grades up, I’ll figure something out.” You whined.

“I’m not here to do that y/n/n. Just let me in. Please?” You sighed before getting out of bed and unlocking the door. As soon as he stepped in, he pulled you into a hug.

“I’m so sorry y/n. I should’ve asked you long ago if something was wrong. I didn’t know you were being bullied.” You calmed down a bit now that he apologized, and you were able to catch your breath. “Why didn’t you tell me someone was bullying you hon’? You know you can tell me anything.”

“I know. I guess I just didn’t want to bother you with it. I though I should just deal with it on my own.” Tony pulled you away, holding onto your shoulders.

“Listen. I’m your father. I’m here to help with your problems. As long as I’m here, you should never have to deal with anything like this alone.” You smiled lightly and once again leaned in to give him a hug.

“Thank you daddy.” You sighed. Tony’s heart warmed at the name you used to call him when you were younger, making him think back to all the memories he had of you two.

Tony sighed and rubbed your back. “Don’t you wish we could go back to simpler times? It just seems as if the older we get, the bigger our problems become.” You nodded, a small smile gracing your lips.

“Yeah,” You chuckled. “Back to the times where the biggest problem I had was dropping my ice cream cone.” Tony laughed as he looked down at you, remembering the time you dropped your ice cream and refused to replace it.

You gasped, staring at the fallen scoop on the floor. Your favorite flavor at the time: strawberry.

“Uh oh. What happened?” Tony asked, trying not to laugh at your dramatically distraught face.

“My ice cream!” You whispered before breaking into tears.

“Awwww.” Tony cooed as he picked you up and held you close as you cried. “It’s okay, we can get you another one.” He said, rubbing your back as you shook your head furiously.

“No, it’s over! It’s over!” You cried, covering your eyes with both your little hands.

“It’s not over baby, you can get another strawberry ice cream!” He chuckled, laughing at your dramatic response to the minuscule problem that could be simply fixed.

“There’s no use!” You shook your head, refusing to take the second cone your dad was offering you. Your dad sighed and gave up, eating the ice cream himself. You looked at him, furrowing your eyebrows before snatching the cone out of his hands, quickly eating it. “Mine!”

“You were so cute. Still are.” Your dad laughed. You shook your head, blushing.

“No m’not.” You mumbled, your heart suddenly feeling heavy as you recalled ask the mean things your classmate told you.

“You’re so ugly it hurts!”

“Nobody careers about you. Even your own mother left you on your father’s doorstep, not giving a crap about you.”

“You’re useless.”

“Yeah you are. Doesn’t matter what those kids say to you.” Tony looked at your downhearted form.

“You don’t even know the things they say to me.” You whisper. Tony frowned and held your hands in his.

“What do they say sweetheart?” You didn’t want to say, knowing it would upset him, but knowing him, he wasn’t leaving until he knew everything.

“Just stuff like I’m useless and nobody loves me. Sometimes that I’m ugly or fat. And if they hear me laugh at something they’ll say my laugh is annoying or something. It’s not a big deal.” You shrugged. Tony’s eyes darkened at the comments you echoed.

“No big deal? The fact that it’s affecting you means it’s a really big deal. I’m so sorry they’re saying those things. They’re just jealous assholes who want to bring people down.” He pulled you into another hug, your back to his chest and resting his head on your shoulder. “You’re a beautiful girl y/n. Your body is perfectly fine and your not fat at all. And your laugh is not annoying sweetheart, I promise. I actually wish I could hear it more often. Ever since this bullying started, your laughter just became non existent over time.”

You nodded slightly, wanting to believe what his words but you weren’t quite there yet. These guys had really brought your self esteem low and you hated them for it.

“You wanna pull off a miracle and smile for me?” Tony teased, looking at you from your shoulder. You rolled your eyes, biting back a smile, avoiding his gaze. “Huh? Just a little smile?” When he was met with more silence, he twitched his finger into your side, smirking at your flinch. “I remember a little technique I used to use on you to get you gigglin’” He teased before full on scratching at your sides, trapping you in his grip.

You squeaked and arched your back, determined to get out of his iron grip (no pun indended) and biting your lip. “Dahad. Don’t.”

“Then just smile. It’s really not that hard.” He looked at you, not seeing what he wanted to see. “Not crackin huh? Well I remember the one thing that always made you crack.” He smirked before blowing a raspberry on your neck.

You squealed and smiled widely instantly, cursing at your dad’s evil method.

“There’s that award winning smile! Now let’s see if we can go a bit further and hear that precious laugh of yours.” He teased, picking you up and dropping you on your bed, straddling your thighs. He immediately went to work on your belly, your worst spot.

You screamed and let out loud belly laughter, kicking your legs out as much as you could with him sitting on them. “DAHAHAD NOHOHO! STOHOHOP!” You slapped at his hands,Tony only ignoring your protests and grabbing your arms in one hand to stop you.

“Listen to that beautiful laughter. Haven’t heard that in a while! I’ve missed it.” He sighed contently, speaking calmly unlike the hysterical giggles and screams coming from you.

“OHOHOKAY! I LAUGHED!” You shook your head and yelped when he targeted under your arms, scratching at the hollows.

“Well, yes, you laughed but you haven’t laughed in months. So you’re long overdue, missy.” He tease, shaking his fingers into your ribs, making you arch your back violently and and scream.

“NOHOHOHOHO DAHAHADDY PLEHEHEHEASE STOHOP!” The feeling was unbearable especially since you couldn’t use your arms to block his evil hands.

“Hang in there I’m almost done. This is the last thing I need to do, but this might tickle a lot. Just warning you.” He smirked before shaking his face into your belly, making sure his beard is doing its job.

You let you and inhuman scream as you shook your head side to side. You couldn’t stop laughing as he rubbed his face into your belly, mumbling and “I love you so much.” Making your laughter go up an octave, before blowing a big raspberry right above your belly button.

This made your laughter go silent after a desperate squeal, your body laying there exhausted, just being able to lay there and take it. Tony let you go with a chuckle and got of you, sitting next to you on the bed.

You panted loudly, holding onto your stomach trying to rub away the residual feeling tingling on your body. “That.. was cruel.” You panted.

“Oh, You’ll live.” Your dad brushed it off as he pulled you on his lap. “You’ll always be my baby, you know that right?” You nodded. “And you can come to me about anything. And I’ll do my best to help you with it. Tomorrow we’ll go speak to your teacher and see if she can give you anorher chance to improve your grades and see if she can do something about these kids making fun of you, Alright?”

You smiled, nodding. “Ok.”

For once in a really long time, things looked like they could finally get better.

#ticklish!reader #ticklish #tickle fic #tickle #tickle fight #avengers tickle #marvel tickle #tickle fluff #tony tickles reader #tony stark x reader #tony x reader #tony stark #iron man x reader #iron man #avengers #marvel #marvel mcu #peter parker #captain america #peter parker x reader #peter x reader #spiderman

[riskeith]

good morning love! (or afternoon for you hehe)

deku vs kacchan part 2 is my favorite ep of the entire series actually. i’ve watch that ep so many times as well it’s just perfect. i got into them when i watched that episode actually! the voice acting god..... literally shivers. now that i think about it it might even be my favorite anime ep of all time help. i just love how bakugou lets it all out and we get to see that side of him.. the insecure scared child he tries to hide. god i could ramble about it forever idk just love it. OH YOU WATCHED THE MOVE RIGHT AFTER? a scene with bakugou and todoroki is guaranteed a good time.. and they work so well together. haha that’s such a nice coincidence tho their dynamic is great in that movie even if it’s mostly kiribaku sjsksjk. what do you think about kiribaku btw?

RIGHT!!! at least we have a couple days to decide hihi.... paimon no longer emergency snack.. only seelie. 🥴 oooh? what kind of thing have you envisioned? (if you wanna share ofc!)

i’ve seen so many people mention that!! like one of the worst parts of the game is that in the higher level you get the less there are to do.. ssjksjdk at some point all you can do is grind domains and try to level up shdkdfhdj

LEVEL 40 INTO A LEVEL 70+ FIGHT ok that’s honestly hilariously brave doesn’t she like die right away 😔 oh yeah you’ll be leveling up Again soon *praying for you*... can’t believe they don’t keep the easy bosses anymore sjdkfh that’s so rude. this game is just grind grind grind. WE NEED A BENNY STORY SO BADLY. like imagine a story with him wanting to seek out diluc because he wants to learn how to fight from a master or something like that. i saw it in a comic and i can’t stop thinking about it 😭 all of them deserve stories!!! there’s so many ways they could make it happen pls mihoyo... chongyun x xingqiu story... <333

shfkjdskdjhf nope right now i’m playing with noelle as my main damage dealer, traveller, lisa and barbara actually. so i think i have a pretty good balance atm.. 2 long range 2 short range-ish. i usually trade out barbara for another character if i have to tho, hehe. that’s only combat though ^ benny is with me when we explore. mood is me having a 5 star and not even using her... i still need to think of ways qiqi could fit into the group yk. is your group still looking the same as before? ooooh if you could rank the elements what would your ranking look like?

172!!!!! that’s a bit short though when you said tall i thought like... 190 or something sjksjdxk. wait how tall are You?

oh i just meant like... people bashing others for spending too much money on the game vs those that bash people for not spending money and complaining that they don’t get 5 star etc? idk yt comments can be so ugly though so it’s a good thing that you don’t read them sjdjdjdkd

that’s super smart!!! you just follow along the plan and delete when you come to the part. must feel so satisfying too i imagine. haha, what little notes i have i put in the notes app and just check up on when i need to. sometimes i even forget they’re there shdkdhsks. my notes are filled with half-assed dialogue or random one words notes that don’t make any sense to me anymore.. nskdhddjdj

you’re right!! so you write at night? sometimes i just open docs on my phone and write a bit before i sleep and when i wake up it’s either a grammatical mess or just... super bad hskshd the brain is simply too tired to create anything shakespeareian

nooo i’ll def check these out and let you know what i think. i’ve seen halsey being in pretty much every klance playlist on spotify so i imagine she portrays their vibes pretty nicely. doesn’t she have a song she sings about being blue and red or something... shdjfhdj such a bad description but i see it being used in edits a lot. also now that i think of it melanie has a song called pacify her that i really like!! do you like it?

THATS SO CUTE YOU ARE A CRYBABY. 🥺 same here tbh i actually like crying sometimes... sjskdjdjd like you said it just feels nice to get it all out. i cry to almost movie or series or book i read i’m a super emotional person but i also think it adds to the experience? you feel more immersed in it that way.

RIGHT??? ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! and it’s our boys 😭 and they’re cuddling 😭 under the sun 😭 ssjdjdhdjdj 😭

can’t wait to hear from you again <3 yours, ma <3

good night! more like ahhah

:o!! that’s so legendary of them wow.. <33 and yeah honestly the voice acting is phenomenal.. and all the implications behind the fight too? bakugou finally opening up? midoriya understanding that what he needs is to fight him? ugh. kiribaku is fine! fhdsjfks my brain is so full of todobaku that any other ship is really just... in the background hfskjfs but i can appreciate the relationship they have! with kiri being the only one bakugou has really acknowledged and seeing as being on the same level, that iconic hand clasp when bakugou was being rescued... i have a kiribaku fic in my drafts but idk if i can ever get to it ahha. you like them a lot right?

ikkk also i didn’t know we had to wait until the very end to buy? i have more than enough to buy it rn but when i clicked it said ‘must explore area 14 first’ and i was just... bruh. AHAHAH. okay so in my mind it’s like.. chongyun at a funky angle we’re kinda looking up at him and his body is like bent down towards us fhsdkjs idk how to describe it but i can picture it very well but i also cannot put it to paper/screen. and then his clothes are just black instead of white! HAHAH. tho i kinda wanna see if i can draw a xiao first to offer up to the gacha gods hfsdjkfs (and if i can i’ll do a version w a dark outfit too for u hehe)

legitttt im literally just logging in and grinding the talent domains every day fhsdkjfhskfhjd there are some artifacts i want as well but the domain is literally SO difficult for me fuck.

i just go in and use her skill then heal a bit and switch right away fhsdkjfsd it going alright! and then i go ham with my other 3 charas and switch back to her to heal again fhskfjd. OMGGG that’s so cute please... i miss diluc too... come back!! i wish we had a way to replay the old quests even if we get nothing out of them like i just wanna experience it again ya know.

oooo! that’s pretty nice. hfskjd you could switch barbara out for qiqi! since she’s a healer as well. omg wait you have lumine right? so your combat team has no males? legendary 😩 we love fighting queens! ya! traveller, chongyun, xiangling, fischl. and then i switch depending on the domain/boss i’m gonna fight. hmm elements I think would go: anemo, cryo, electro, pyro, hydro, geo, dendro? LMAO i reckon if i had diluc tho pyro would be higher... i also almost forgot to add geo to that list lmaooooooo oops, hbu??

I JUST SAW THE LINK.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! the bestest boys look how cute they’re sjdkfjdjjdd i’m obsessed. the picture where benny has his back turned sjdudjdjddnd stop. 🥺 they’re so neat. 🥺 also NO ARE YOU SERIOUS? that’s so upsetting are you gonna try it out nonetheless or do you think it’s too risky?

they’re SO neat!!! and bennett facing the other way was so fhskjfd yeah cute <3333333 I KNOWWW IM SO SAD :((( and no...... im not gonna try 😭😭😭 i told my brother about it too and he asked how many rolls i was at and i said 70 and he was straight up ‘you can’t try then’ and i was like ‘i know 😔😔’. @ xiao... i am giving up xingqiu rate up for you 😤😤😤😤 ugh i hope i can still get xingqiu in xiao’s banner tho even tho the chances will be shit. are you gonna roll ganyu’s banner?

FHSKJFSD NOOOOOO don’t tell me 172 is average for you wtf... (apparently the average male height in japan is 160cm! for reference ahah) and i myself am. one hundred and. fifty something cm hfsdjfhskjdfhskdjfhw9uehdsifhwsdkjfhsdkfhsd 😔 big sighs lmaoooooooo. how tall are you? (im assuming much taller 😔😔😔😔😔)

ooh notes app? nice ahaha. fhdkjfhskfsk hdthat’s the mood tho! if i don’t have my laptop with me i’ll write out everything on notes first then transfer to my laptop~

AHAHAH yeahhh i think mostly i do? bc during school times i’ll only write after i’m done with my work which = night time. for a while Peak writing time for me was like 1am lmfao but i do that in a like half-asleep half-conscious state so when i come back the next day at a “normal” time i run into the same issue as you fshdfkjshfs

she does!!! it’s called colours 😩 but i think the one i related to voltron most is control! there was this really good shiro edit with that song i still remember it to this day <3 yeah i do!!! i like most of melanie’s songs actually ahahah. i think my favourite for a while was show and tell~

it totally does!! like it’s satisfying as well you know... like the characters have gone through so much and you experienced that with them so it’s natural to get emotional about it. that reminds me, what kind of books do/did you read? did you read all Those YA novels ahah talking about crying has reminded me how i cried reading those..

<333 i wanna be there with them 😩 actually no i want to BE them 😩😩😩

eager for your response <33 love, c.r.

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

[straykidz888]

Insomnia

Gif by huiracha! (I still cant figure out how to tag it from the post, I’m so bad with technology 😂)

A/N: so this was based off a dream I had and I am literally such a bad writer so I hope you guys don’t mind that but I thought I’d share what dream I had a while back about me and Chan with insomnia! (I have it really bad personally so I think my brain sparked that and connected the two of us 😂) but I hope you enjoy it! I’m also trying to figure out how to get the ‘read more’ on here but since I don’t have a laptop idk if I can do it, but I’ll figure that out 😂

Genre: FLUFFYYYY! With a little bit on sensual touches but nothing too drastic

*****************************************************

“I’m so uncomfortable.” I say in my head, having woken up from probably about one hour of sleep from yet another sleepless night, the insomnia kicking in hard, that one hour of sleep will probably be the best I’ll get for a good few hours.

I shuffle around in bed, moving the duvet off me and I turn to try and feel out for my boyfriend, but when I feel the empty space that was filled with his presence the last I remember, I frown.

“He’s probably unable to sleep...” I say to myself tiredly, a tired that will subside soon.

I decide to get up and head through towards the kitchen, I had one of my boyfriends many large black t-shirts on with a normal pair of pyjama shorts, I walked out to find my boyfriend, Chan, sitting at the kitchen table, and he catches sight of me when I walk in.

“Can’t sleep?” We both ask each other at the exact same time, it makes us both laugh.

“Me either.” I smile and walk up to Chan and he moves so he’s fully facing me, I place my hands on his shoulders and he places his arms around my waist.

“That one hour was good but not good enough.” I tell him and he chuckles.

“You didn’t even sleep for that long, I think it’s been about twenty minutes.” Chan tells me and I groan.

“No wonder it did me no good.” I pout and he chuckles softly, pulling me closer to him.

Chan’s insomnia was worse than mine, with insomnia having several levels, his had to be one of the worst, while he often couldn’t get any sleep at all and would literally be running on the dust of fumes he had left, I was a little luckier in terms that I got to sleep easier a bit more often, but Chan has so much going on in his life and with the music making and watching all eight boys making sure they’re alright he is just constantly stressed about something which makes him worse for sleep.

“Are you in the state of there is not even a chance you could get to sleep?” I ask him, furrowing my eyebrows.

“Yeah... I just know I’m not gonna get to sleep so it feels kind of pointless to try... I might fall asleep in the car ride to Music Bank tomorrow but... what can you do...” Chan shrugs, sighing sadly, it makes me so upset that I know this really gets on his nerves but he can’t do anything really while he’s working almost 24 hours for seven days a week, how he would wake up at 5AM to leave and come back at 1AM the next day just to do the same process.

“Anything I can do for you?” I ask him, leaning my hands up into his hair and caressing it slowly, running through the ash grey locks through my fingers.

“No I’m okay, you should get back to bed though, if you managed to get some sleep you might be able to get a little more.” Chan smiles at me and I smile at him.

“Only if you come back with me, I don’t like not having you there, cause then we can’t suffer together.” I pout but then give him a cheeky smile, he rolls his eyes and laughs softly.

“Alright, go on ahead I’ll meet you in the room.” Chan says and I nod my head, leaning forward to give him a quick peck on the cheek before running back through to our shared bedroom, getting up on the bed and sitting down on it, I lean over and turn on the side lamp just to let me see him when he walks in.

It takes a few minutes later for Chan to actually get back to the room, assuming he was taking a drink before he came through, he smiles at me as he closes the door behind him and he walks over to the bed, sitting down on the other side, he then looks over at me who’s eyes had followed him this entire way.

“Hi.” I smile happily, he grins.

“Hello.” He smiles softly.

“I love you, by the way just to let you know.” I giggle and he chuckles, I could tell he was tired but he just couldn’t get any sleep at all.

“I love you too.” He says and he touches the side of my jaw and leaned over and kissed my lips softly, I smile into the soft kiss and I place my hand on his neck and kiss him back, but soon enough we pulled away from each other.

“You’re so handsome.” I grin at him with a cheeky smile and he chuckles and leans over into my ear, his thick accent running through my ears and he whispers.

“And you are so damn beautiful.” I feel the shivers running through my body as he whispers that and I grin.

“Do you wanna try to sleep again?” He asks me as he places a hand on my waist.

“Yeah, but will you stay with me? You don’t have to stay the whole night if you can’t get to sleep but just until I’m properly asleep...” I ask him unsure of how he will take that question because he might almost feel jealous about it.

“Yeah of course, I’ll stay by your side.” He smiles at me and I nod my head.

“Thank you.” I smile at him and peck his lips once more and I lean over to turn off the light and then I turn to him and he brings his arms to my waist and I nuzzle into his clothed chest and hold him close to me.

The two of us lay together and our breathing is all you can hear in the room, I place my ear to his chest and I can hear his heartbeat, thump thump, thump thump.

“Are you okay?” Chan asks me softly and I nod my head.

“Yeah, I’m focusing on your heartbeat rather than my breathing.” I say, often my trouble with sleep was that I was focusing to hard on my breathing and would start to panic if I wasn’t getting enough oxygen in my lungs, it was silly really but I just kept getting myself panicked.

“Good good, just focus on my heart beating for you.” Chan says and I can hear the smile on his face in his sentence, I smile and caress his waist.

“I love you so much, I wish I could do more for you.” I frown and he takes a deep breath.

“Sorry... I know I’m such a pain... it sucks not being able to sleep, something is just wrong with me...” Chan sniffs and I widen my eyes and sit up to (barely) see his eyes starting to tear up, I shake my head and hold him by the cheeks softly.

“Baby no, nothing is wrong with you, you’re just stressed is all, you’re always working and your body clock is just all out of whack, there is nothing wrong with you Channie, there is absolutely nothing is wrong with you, if there was then something would be wrong with me!” I say and he laughs a little, a pathetic little laugh as he’s still half crying.

“Sorry, It’s just so frustrating, I want to try so many things but I just know none of them will work.” He says and I furrow my eyebrows, nodding along with what he says.

“Well you know whatever you want to try I’ll always be here working along with you, whatever you wanna try, I’ll help you with it and I’ll go through it with you, and whatever you need, I’m with you.” I smile at him and he smiles happily.

“I don’t deserve you.” He whispers and I laugh.

“Please, I don’t deserve a god like you, you’re to good for me, I still don’t know how I landed a guy like you.” I comment and giggle, he rolls his eyes at me.

“Excuse me? You’re my guardian angel I don’t deserve you, I need you but I don’t deserve you.” Chan laughs and I giggle.

“So we need each other but don’t deserve each other, makes sense.” I grin and he chuckles.

“Of course.” Chan chuckles, he then suddenly flips me down onto my back and gets on top of me and I giggle as he places his hands into mine before leaning down to kiss me again, our hands come together and our fingers lace between each other, he kisses me passionately and I giggle against him.

“Hey, we were talking about ways to help me get to sleep.” He says while wriggling his eyebrows at me and I roll my eyes.

“You know that’s just gonna make you more awake if anything.” I tell him and squeeze his hand softly.

“Worth a shot.” He shrugs his shoulders and I grin.

“I just forget how cute you look in my t-shirts.” He tells me with his soft voice, and I still love his accent running through every single word.

“You’re welcome for the reminder.” I tell him and he chuckles.

“Thanks.” He snickers, leaning down to kiss me again, he places his hands downwards and onto my thighs and slowly up inside my shirt to my waist, my hands move through his strands of hair and grip it lightly.

We both have a heated make out session for a good while before we both pull away and he gets off me and lies down beside me.

“Well that’s what you need to fall asleep.” I say and giggle, Chan chuckles and brings me back to his chest and I grin to myself wrapping my arms back round his waist once again placing my ear back to his chest to listen to his heartbeat again.

“I love you, I know we have said that like eight hundred times tonight but sometimes I feel like I don’t say it enough to you.” Chan whispers softly, I smile happily and I place my finger on his torso, caressing his chest softly.

“I love you too, and you don’t have to say it all the time for me to know, I know how you feel towards me, if you suddenly changed your mind, then I’d want you to tell me that you fell out of love with me.” I tell him and he laughs.

“Sure but that won’t be happening any time soon so I hope you’re okay with that?” Chan asks me.

“Yeah fully okay with that thanks.” I giggle.

I start to feel a little more tired as the minutes go along and when Chan starts to play with my hair again it starts to make me feel even more sleepy.

“I’m... falling asleep Channie.” I whisper to him softly, he kisses my head.

“I’m feeling pretty sleepy myself, that’s all thanks to you.” Chan says and I smile and kiss his chest.

“Or your body just said you’re tired tonight now.” I tell him and he chuckles, and I smile feeling the vibrations through his chest.

“Thank you baby, for being amazing.” Chan whispers and I look up at him with a smile, he leans down to kiss me softly before we move back to our original positions.

“Night night Channie.” I whisper, holding him as close as I can to me.

“Night night baby.” He whispers, and slowly I started to fall asleep as I focused on his heartbeat once again, I just hoped he would get to sleep, I would only find out tomorrow morning, I hope you get to sleep for a little while my love Chan.

*****************************************************

I hope you guys liked it, as I say I’m really not a good writer so it was probably terrible but I hope it was okay for you guys! 😂💚 I’ll probably delete this later omg but yeah I hope you all enjoy it hahahah

#Stray Kids fluff #Stray Kids Imagines #Stray Kids fanfic #Stray Kids Fanfiction #Bang Chan fluff #Bang Chan Fanfiction #Bang Chan dream #Stray Kids writing #Bang Chan Imagines #dreams

[dfwemelie]

August🔥

August 5th. I finally got my phone back from the cruise and omfg I wanna go back so bad. It was so incredibly fun and I met alot of amazing people. I met Gage, Taylor, Emma, Destiny, Dezi, Josh, Jacob, DJ, Andre, Adam, Daniel, Ty, Preston, Eddy, Aiden, and so many more people. It was such an experience and definitely the best birthday I've ever had. None of them are gonna read this but thank you to everyone who made my first cruise and my 16th birthday so awesome. I love and will miss everyone.

I got to watch Gavin today cause Sebastian has a eye doctors appointment which is not fun for me. I also have to get my school schedule today cause I wasnt able to on the 1st cause I was in Cozumel. I'm really hoping I get classes with my friends. I'll be upset if I didn't but itll be okay. If I dont I'll just be known as the quiet girl again.

August 6, I have to force myself to stop liking swedish boy but ngl it's so fucking hard. Hes perfect for me. God fucking damn it why does he gotta live so far. Why do I have to get so attached to people so quickly. I just get left in agonizing pain again and again. it's just a constant state of heartbreak. I hate this. I hate myself. He told me hes forcing himself to stop liking me cause he knows there is no way of us meeting. That really broke me. I keep saying it's fine but it's not. Why do I do this to myself. Why cant I just stay away from all of it like I wanted to in the first place. None of it matters anymore. I guess the only thing I can try to do is move on. I was talking to Parker about it and he said if he really did like me then he would try all he could to make it work. Ugh I just wish he could make it work. Hes not my cute swedish boi anymore, just a guy I met on tiktok. It hurts saying that but that's all itll ever be now. My tiny little sliver of hope that I had was incinerated by the flames of tragedy. I gotta move on. I dont wanna move on. I have to though. It hurts. Its weird not seeing his name as Swedish boi now when he texts me. He asked me to change it.

August 9th, I went driving today and i did kinda good. I went on Birnhamwoods and i was scared but i did good. My mom doesnt know how to give directions. Other than that I've just been in bed all day again. I've been watching Jane The Virgin season 5 with Misty and so many things are happening it's great. Theres 5 days till school and I want to go back but I really dont want to. First I'm gonna have to see Gage and that's gonna be hella awkward. We havent talked since he blocked me like a month or 2 ago. I also have to give Scott his stuff back and that's really gonna hurt. I don't tell anyone but I still wear his jacket sometimes. I know it's bad and I need to stop but I cant help it. I cant help the fact I still miss him. But now I gotta give it back to him. By me doing that it means its really over. I guess that's how its gonna be now. Just over. I gotta ignore the fact that I loved him and he was my first. But now it's gone and I have to accept that. I'm just gonna stop trying ya know. Im tired of getting my heart broken. I just need to be alone from everyone for awhile.

August 10th, Yesterday I was playing with the boys and needed to switch the party from my phone to the xbox. My headset was dead so I asked sebastian for his charger cause I lost mine. He said no but I took it anyways. He knew I was gonna take it so he rat me out to my parents and told me to give it back. I asked if I could borrow it again and he said no. I was angry so I grabbed his headset and threw it on the ground, breaking it. My dad heard and ran up the stairs and started yelling at me. He told me to clean my room so I locked myself in the bathroom. They took my phone, xbox cable, and TV cable. My mom tried talking to me but I didn't say anything, only that I wanted my phone back. While everyone was distracted I grabbed pillows, blankets, markers, and my fan and slept in the bathroom as a protest. At around 1am my mom gave me back my phone and said she deleted everything. I was pissed. But I'm fine now.

I went driving today again. We went through benders and looked at the rich people houses. Must be nice not being broke. I also drove to Kroger which I was nervous about since there were so many cars but I did good. I even parked, not perfectly but in the spot. My dad felt bad about yesterday and got me Starbucks. School is starting up soon and I'm excited to see kaylie but that's it. Not looking forward to giving Scott his jacket back. I'm just gonna walk up to him, say nothing, and hand it to him. I'm gonna stop talking about it before I start crying again lol

August 14th,First day of school and I've already cried twice. Scott kept talking about how he broke up with me and how he feels bad about how he did it and regrets it. Then he asked me about Gavin was and I said he really fucking misses him, cause he does. Then the bell rang and I cried walking out. Other than that it was an okay day. Coach Clair remembered me and I was really happy about that. Also my son Jadon is in that class and that made me happy.

August 15th, I'm in chemistry rn and I fucking hate it. I don't think there are any juniors in here and it sucks. I feel like shjt that I failed this class. It wasn't my fault though. I really hate this. It makes me really nervous and anxious and emotional. I'm not gonna cry but I wish I could. Everyone knows eachother and I don't know anyone. I wish I was in Physics instead but i guess that's harder than Chemistry. Now I'm in level chemistry so its gonna be easier cause I struggled with how fast they were teaching.

Looks like I gotta reset my days clean tonight.

I met this guy named Allon yesterday. I see him everyday since he's in my culinary and he's also in my history and my English. He seems cool and is friends with Eugene. Culinary was fun today, we did a speed dating thing and it was awkward at first but once we got to talking to everyone it was easy.

August 16th, its Friday. School is done for the week. I was upset today cause they changed my history teacher and I loved him. Now they put me with this monotone teacher Mr.Horton. it's weird cause there is only like 10 kids in that class. I am now also in Livestock production and there are 12 student in there including me now. I don't know why some of the classes are so small, there are over 2,000 students at gohs now. In culinary we had to split up in groups and I went with Eugene, Allon, Adam, and Tamara. They are a really fun group. I almost feel bad for leaving Michael to be in a group with a bunch of people he doesnt know but he would've had to choose to sit with them or Eugene so I sat with them so he didnt have to. I had alot of fun. I already know culinary is gonna be my favorite class this year. Mrs.Langley says we aren't allowed to choose our groups this year but I hope she changes her mind. Allon seems really nice. I got his snapchat and we've been talking alot. He has the cutest fucking poodle ever. I see him everyday, not just cause of culinary but hes in my blue day English.

August 18th, its 12:06pm and I just realized I haven't done my review for the last 2 days. I haven't done much. I've mainly been texting Allon and watching Netflix.

August 19th, I try to sleep away my depression. It doesn't work

August 20th, by far one of the worst things about grand oaks this year is the bus situation. There are way too many kids on each bus and they have to get more busses cause it's so over crowded.

Last night was okay, I played Apex with Eugene then after we just talked for an hour. He was the main person talking he kept saying he felt bad for talking so much but I told him I'm a good listener so it was okay. We talked about some deep stuff and we actually have alot in common. We both overthink situations and create random scenarios in our head that would never happen but like what if they did. I almost feel kinda bad about talking to Eugene so much cause Michael hates him and I consider them both of my friends. I've just known Michael for so long but I have alot in common Eugene. More than I thought. I've kinda been leaning away from Michael and from my friends in general. I feel horrible for doing it but I don't want to completely cut them out of my life cause they've been in my life for so long. I guess I've kinda just grew out of some friendships, mainly Michael and I's. Idk maybe I'm just talking too much and should just keep everything how it is.

August 22nd, okay so update. Derek hit me up and I'm like ew but whatever. Allon is making me watch pokemon and ngl kinda love it. My hair is curly. We stan. I feel sick but that's cause I ate a sandwich and kept moving around. Also my back hurts. I wanna die. I'm at the bus stop. Its humid. Ew. Gross. I hate myself. That's it. Goodnight.

August 23, I was kinda quiet in culinary today and everyone was very concerned apparently. I spoke maybe 10 words. I dont know the exact reason but it was mainly thinking about Scott and the fact I kinda feel left out alot of the time. I don't even know why I'm still thinking about him, maybe I should take the time over the weekend to try to stop thinking about him. I feel left out alot in culinary, and in life in general. Culinary cause I sit with all guys and they talk about things I dont really know. I dont feel like talking about it anymore. Goodnight

August 28th, not much has happened since I last updated. I played minecraft with Allon last night and it was pretty fun. He died twice and it was super funny. Before he left we talked about just life. How we've both given up on relationships in general cause we've been fucked over so many times. Which I think is weird cause I keep getting mixed signals from him that he likes me but he also thinks of me as a friend. It's weird. But yea he also asked me if I was gonna go to homecoming this year and I told him I would if someone asked me but other than that I probably wouldnt. Yeah and then he left and I cried myself to sleep cause i talk to my ceiling about how lonely i feel at night. Yeah that's it.

I have such bad luck with guys holy shit I hate myself

August 29th, I played more Minecraft with Allon yesterday. We played for 3 hours lol. It was really fun. We both kept dying in the nether and we also kept killing eachother. I still get confused on whether he likes me or not. So many mixed signals it's crazy. I forgot my chemistry notebook at home and I'm very upset about that but oh well. I get to see Julian today so that's gonna be interesting. I keep seeing Scott everywhere I go and it just makes me so incredibly sad. I wish it didnt but it does. I'm sitting next to Johan and it's very obvious he likes me. I feel bad for not liking him back but I cant help for the fact that I will only see him as a friend. I think the whole Scott thing is playing a part in it too. I dont wanna date Johan cause it means I'll be around him more often. I really miss him but I dont. I want him in my life but I dont. Ya know? I'm confusing myself. Carlos and his friend walked to my house yesterday to get his phone and wallet back. It was funny cause there was alot of lightning and thu der and Carlos got hella scared. My mom pulled up and we drove them home.

August 31st, ah the end. I've played minecraft with Allon all day except for when I went to Akashi. Lifes been okay. I still think about him alot but I'm getting better. At least I feel like I am. Hopefully. I know it takes time but fuck I'm impatient. I miss Kaylie. I like culinary. I've officially established a group. It's me, Allon, Eugene, Adam, and the occasional Ty and Tamara. It's great. I'm happy I've made friends. Also I have a new friend in fashion. I'm trying to plan ahead on outfits for the show and I already have my whole 5 outfits but I need my fashion sketchbook to come in quick cause I'm dying from not drawing these. Adam has concluded I'm addicted to vitamin water. This month was ight. Hopefully I get better next month.

[acharlescoleman]

My movie weekend. 

I saw Plan B at home in the wee hours of...Saturday morning, around 1am? maybe 12:30?

Went to the Autry Museum to see Gas Food Lodging at like 1:30 in the afternoon. The director was there and the Q&A was really good. The fairly packed crowd, all wearing masks consistently which was nice, asked good questions! So it was a neat Q&A. Learned that in the original novel that there were three kids in the story and the writer-director was like gotta lose one of the kids lol. And recommended to screenwriters in the audience that like triangle situations are good for drama,   like for this movie,  the dynamics between the lead character the young middle teen girl,  her slightly older sister, and her mother was the crux of the movie. \

I really liked the movie btw,   it wasn’t like a strict Hollywood narrative movie but it also wasn’t totally like overly arty experimental either, very handheld and raw and funny at times. I remember complaining about Plan B that the parents were way too understanding and there wasn’t enough yelling between the teens and parents in that movie, I got my fill with this movie. There was like one scene where the slightly teen girl came home late, the mother isn’t happy, there’s a bit of a back and forth, then the older teen goes to in the restroom, and they’re still arguing! I felt at home in this world lol. The scene awkwardly in a good way went longer than most of those kind of scenes usually go on for which I appreciated! 

Like that scene took me back to all the bickering I had had with my parents, along with the ones I overheard my sis had had with my parents. Good times! Like you start arguing about the initial thing of being late but then other stuff sometimes comes out too, especially if you have teens with tongues like me and my sis,   like man,  sometimes looking back,  we just weren’t kids that would accept just getting yelled at lol. At some point, around 11 maybe? I think kids start talking back and it’s rarely good because as an older person reflecting,  like you’re not experienced enough to really fight back with your folks but if you’re also young and reactive so you gotta say something and hope it sticks and hurts lol. 

I don’t know why I’m harping on this but I remember in Plan B,   there was like a classic 90′s TV show scene where a girl came home late (that’s the whole movie!) and she’s sort of confronted by the mom when she got home,   there’s not much of a back and forth and at the end, the girl is more upset at her mom and she gets in the last word and walks away. The mother just stood there for a while until the next scene where she goes to her her daughter’s bedroom and they hash it out. I don’t know, I’m not a parent lol but I’m still not convinced a mother, especially an immigrant mother,  would let their daughter do that do them, get the last word and walk away from them. I also don’t see how that’s a good thing,   like shouldn’t the more ideal thing be that they just talk it out then there? idk. Gas Food Lodging does a bit of it too, as my parents and many others,  where you do let the parties calm down after a fight and then talk it out better. idk. That whole bit just seemed too rush and that so bothered me that the mom just stood there. 

Anyways,  I liked Gas Food Lodging!

After the movie,  I decided to get my iPhone fixed,   I needed a new battery and a glass replacement and I found a dude in Los Feliz who gave me a deal to do both for a really good price. And he was fast about it too which was neat. I really might give that dude a yelp review and I don’t think I’ve done that before,  as of day 2, the service was really that good. I think I’ll wait a week though to make sure the phone keeps working. (Knock on wood it is so far)

I had planned to get something to eat then go to the Landmark in West LA to see Language Lessons,   but I wound up just going straight to the Landmark from Los Feliz and eating there which was alright because they had like Hebrew Nationals. Pretty good dog imo. Popcorn was so-so but whatever, that’s fine. 

I liked Language Lessons even though I could see why other people wouldn’t like it, the whole movie is done by zoom chats and like phone video messages by the two lead characters. A guy gets signed up for like online Spanish lessons and because and he and his Spanish teacher are vibing each other, the lessons don’t go in a formal way, they have like more free forming conversations in mostly Spanish and she corrects his Spanish when she feels needed, or when he asks if he’s saying something correctly. It’s neat, the whole first part was pretty long which was nice, to just have scenes play themselves out. Then as the movie goes on rough stuff happens to each character and they continue with their Spanish lessons thing. 

The dramatic stakes just keep getting raised as the movie goes on which teetered on going overboard with trying to make a clear story out of the film but I was fine with it and obviously,  I won’t spoil the ending but I totally dug that ending too even though it’s kind of hokey. Sometimes I’m fine with hoke and schmaltz!

At the Q&A,   the writer-director Natalie Morales, who was also the Spanish teacher,  said the film was shot last year, had some improv but not too much and interestingly she said she was kind of inspired by some of the bad directors she had worked with (didn’t name) throughout her acting career. She was like if they can do it,  she could certainly do it too and she encouraged other artists to like to press on with their passions because even if you suck,  you might inspire good work too. Something like that. I appreciated that honestly I feel like that’s a real thing being inspired by stuff that doesn’t impress you where you think you could do it better. 

So that was neat.    

Then,  I walked to the blue line on Pico, took the blue line train to the red line in downtown LA and that lead me to Hollywood and my last two movies of Saturday/Sunday.

It was a part of a film festival and the movies started after midnight, my first midnight movie in like over two years! 

The first movie was a short film that was a sci fi experimental satire thing that got into social media influencers (I think?) and I couldn’t get into it. It was a little too offbeat for me but I did think it was neat that the movie was shot by iPhones and it looked alright. 

The second movie was the Alternate, a sci fi thriller feature that I really dug. A would-be young filmmaker finds out about like a loop thing from his computer,  that allows him, if he goes into the loop thing to go into an “alternate” world where “he’s” a successful filmmaker and his girlfriend is now his wife, they have a nice home and a daughter. A pretty good life. It’s not entirely clear early on why the young filmmaker keeps wanting to go back into this “alternate” world but as the movie goes on that becomes clearer and darker. It’s a really good trippy movie. 

At the Q&A,  I didn’t think of my question until near the end of the sessions and I didn’t get to ask my question which stunk lol.

So that was that, then the real fun happened which was me trying to get home at 2am. I missed my first bus which stunk because the subway was closed so I couldn’t do subway then Lyft. And Lyft/Uber from Hollywood to home was out of the question because that would’ve costed like $70+! So I spent most of my time, waiting for the bus and walking back and forth to the closest 7-11′s that I knew in Hollywood and they were both closed! I didn’t know they did that! 

Anyways,  that was a wild time,  almost everyone I encountered was not sober in some way or another. I was also surprised at how many people were awake at almost 3am too. Just wild, wild stuff. 

I finally made it home at like just before 4am. One cute thing that happened as I went to my room was the yorkie left his bed to see me. I didn’t pet him, I don’t know why but I was tired and he was probably tired too,   I had thought he needed to pee but I think he was concerned that I was gone for so long. It was so funny,  he saw me, shook his tail, did a little stretch, then I asked him if he needed to pee and he didn’t even acknowledge I had said something, and he just walked back to his bed to go to sleep. Love that dog.

AND THEN,  on Sunday, yesterday,  I went to the Grove to meet up with friends to see Shang-Chi which I thought was barely okay. I liked the actors but the story just reminded me of too many other Marvel movies plus the movie was insistent on popping in flashbacks almost every 15 minutes or so. That reminded me of Captain Marvel in particular! (although to be fair,  to that movie they spread out of the flashbacks more but it was still annoying). Non-marvel movie,   Aquaman did that too in possibly the most annoying way. I laughed a few times during the movie BUT there were at least two times where there was an attempt at a funny moment when it was so not needed at all. Marvel loves to pull shit like that. One I will spoil is Shang-Chi is basically doing the first part of his explaining who he really is Awkwafina’s character and like 3/4′s of the way into the flashback, the flashback stops because a stewardess asks them if they wanted to order food. Beef or vegan. They both say vegan. Stewardess says they’re out of a vegan so they say fine, they’ll get beef. And then, I think Shang-Chi went back to his story but to me, that was so unneeded. 

The action was mostly fine but there was also tons of CGI too and it got excessive especially the ending where Shang-Chi almost has nothing to do because of CGI circumstances and I was like lost at what was going on at times. That was so poorly executed. 

Tony Leung and Michelle Yeoh were great though. Newcomer Meng'er Zhang was solid. Shang-Chi himself was alright considering like he spends a lot of the movie,   telling stories and kicking ass. He’s very good at the latter. Okay at the other which I mostly blame on the script and story,  he had to do so much exposition yeesh. 

Anyways, so that was my movie weekend.

Today,  I might go with my sister to the Raiders game in Vegas. She’s a Raiders fan and just instantly got the tickets. The funny thing is like three weeks ago or so she got buyers remorse so she’s tried to sell the pair of tickets on some profit and it’s been a challenge because the Raiders are only letting ticket holders who have proof of vaccination to inside the stadium to see the game. I think they’re the only team in the league doing that, it’s like a step above of admission for even most businesses in Los Angeles too including movie theaters. None of the places I went to the movies at required that. 

And if you can believe it,  some football fans are not all-in on getting vaccinated yet so even though,  it’s a home opening game,  it looks like it’s not going to be  a guarantee that it’ll be a packed stadium. As of now they haven’t changed that policy which is interesting to me, obviously my sis would prefer to sell the tickets and make some money off it instead of go, she said she even went under value BUT there still weren’t any takers so it looks like we’re going to the game! Weird stuff. I have the day off and I don’t go into work tomorrow until like 11:45pm. Fun times. 

If you’ve made this far,   hope you’re well and have a good week! (if not, that’s cool too no biggie!)

#what I did this past weekend #what I might do tonight

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 12 - "i'm baaaaaacckkkkk 😈" ~Jodi

An iconic moment happened today and I accidentally voted my closest ally out of the game. So Brayden got sent home and he is going to hate me when he finds out what happened. I did kind of get him out on accident I did not mean for Brayden to go I wanted Jay gone but I was blindsided by Colin and Josh and Elle AND AMY!!??]£[_[3 Omg. Im really upset that hes gone i miss him so much and I dont know how Im gonna go on without his brain. I dont trust Jay but Jared and Jay were both messaging me about how they already forgive me and stuff so thats a little crazy. I think it could be fake or they are just desperate for numbers. But I am with Josh and Amy and Colin and Elle now. I want to be with their numbers. I talked to all of them individually and they said they all were sorry for lying to me and causing me to get my friend out. I know its just a game but I just feel awful and so guilty right now. This has probably been the worst day of my life. He probably will never play another org with me again and hes the only reason i play orgs its boring without him. We are best friends increal life and I hope he can forgive me. I havent said anything to him because thats breaking the rules. But when he finds out im literally so scared of what he'll say to me. I pray he will forgive me I am literally so dumb af.

i'm baaaaaacckkkkk..................... 😈

This is literally worst case right now with jodi winning the play back like throughout the day she has won back her allies including anastasia since she swapped coins with her. Elle, colin, and josh all gave me all their coins to grab immunity before the other side to protect me but also it makes me a bigger target lol plus I gave elle some swapped to get the second thing the leftover because I THOUGHT it could give us an extra vote since that was ony menu but I was tired and drunk and it was a LOT of words and it was just the hunts which I knew didn't have any and I feel terrible bc 150 tokens and my actual alliance is going to be so mad when they realize THAT I HAVE THE LAST ONES and fucked up in suggesting it at all. First they were going for info. So now I think Jodi got all the other sides tokens and they are pooling for something idek. It's literally worst case like we were set to be up 5-2 or at least 4-3 and now it looks like it's 4-4 again hahaha neat. And it looks like colin is chatting with jodi again and they are making deals lol like tbh if she gets to the end I am voting for her to win I've said it many rounds. Turns out anastasia and brayden not only know each other irl they are besties so she mad mad. And Josh looks to be making deals and thinking about flipping so I am on borrowed time but tbh I never expected to make merge. I am glad I have immunity bc I physically couldn't do the challenge anywU here lol and I fucked that up too hahahaha. Good times all around. Like I want to tell them about my steal a vote to have official numbers but now they'd just be mad hahaha literally colin and I had every advantage except jared's idol now. Ahhhh idk what to do but it remains hilarious. I'm expecting Raffy to give my info in these in the market and that is no bueno ahahahaha. I am tempted to just give colin everything bc it's funny. Also jodi talked to me until 1am just trying to guilt me into being back with her I said I have to sleep goodnight like 5 times minimum. Her social game is so good that's why I think she has them all back with her and possibly josh. The problem is that I was keeping her close bc she had the info from others and from my game. I really never had a number one lol bc I was just vibing and I guess now colin is bc I flipped with him lol and I think it's hilarious he grew his army from 0 to 5 almost.

~

I have a suspicion colin and anastasia have actually been closely aligned this whole time and she knew everything all along. Colin sure loves giving out info haha. And apparently deals are happening all over, none of which I have made 😂

Jodi's backkkkk, wild wild wilddddd. The challenge went poorly, darn thats like 20 minutes wasted. We bought the refresh and there was nothing there 💔 that's 150 tokens wasted 😅. But! We got Amy immunity✨ and then Colin won the challenge so tbh everything's still going great lol. Wonder how we're gonna vote this round :/ we'll see how this goes! I've stopped worrying whether I'm going completely, it either happens or it doesn't 💖 xoxo, gossip girl (this is misleading I HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW i just know way too much about it because i have friends that did lol)

So after I voted my showmance Brayden out of the game I was left with an interesting situation. I had cried to Josh Colin and Amy that I was alone now and that my whole alliance hated me. With Jodi back in, I dont think they believe me. I literally flipped sides so I could be in their alliance because I didnt trust Jay and Jared and Jodi. But they literally lied to me about the vote and said it was nothing personal to me but they didnt tell me the plan because they wanted to see if I was lying. Which sucks for me because I then voted Brayden out :( Now that they know that im truthful they said they would work with me now. But all of them have been pretty inactive today. I talked to Amy the most and a little Colin and a little Josh. But I wasnt in their alliance. So I asked Amy if I could be added into an alliance chat since I was apperently in their alliance now. And she said sure. And they added me to a vote block. That is not an alliance group chat btw. So I was like wow thanks. But inside I was like screw this. So before this all happened, Jodi, Jay and Jared put me in a true alliance group chat. This morning I was ready to work with Colin and Josh but not anymore. Not after they put me in a vote block chat clearly saying to me that I am just a number to be used. They don't even need my vote either because Amy has an idol and Amy and Colin are safe. So I'm obviously voting with Jay, Jared, and Jodi. And I know they probably have a final three without me. They could call it something really cool like the three J's. But I called Jay and explained everything to him. (Also Jay forgave me for literally trying to get him out. He umderstands that its a game and all of my motives about not trusting him anymore.) He said he would be a hypocrite if he didnt forgive me because he told people my name in the chaos vote. So I actually think we are cool. And I told Jay that I am his number one. Which is true. He told me a lot of things about how Amy is actually really smart and stuff (I thought that girl was just a goat that I could take to the end with me) But her and colin are tight and both immune. This is bad. Basically we will go to rocks unless Elle flips to our side. Jay is giving his pitch to Elle tommarow. And maybe I will apologize to her correctly tomarow too. ALSO SPELLING THE WORD TOMARROW IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. Also I took 62 minutes to complete a puzzle today so thats kind of emberassing. Anyways bye everyone this was so much fun to type omg.

Lol I woke up to a text from jodi asking if anyone was taking about votes yet and I said no because I went to sleep early bc I almost passed out from heat yesterday and had just woke up and she responded "ummmm lol...." 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry I sleep. She's in Colin's dms saying how I was legit her number one and now we can't even talk about votes. Like yeah girl we worked our asses off to get you out of the game sorry I'm not happy you are back. Also I'm still at disney world so I don't have the time for a million conversations. I know I'm going to be the Russell Hanz of the f3 /if/ I make it. So what's jury management lol like she was already pissed I voted her out and I plan to do it again. Anyway it looks like it's hilariously about to be a unanimous jay vote tonight but I am thinking we throw one vote somewhere else in case of an idol. But if jodi did get anastasia back we can't do that. Anyway lol I'm immune so whatever. Elle and Colin discussed like if it's on elle (which apparently jared proposed an alliance of 5 which included myself lol!) Then we could go to rocks and have only josh as a possibility and statistically he won't go if he is willing to go to rocks that it. All this to say I'm f7 and I want to keep my extra vote to f6 if possible so I can use the idol for fun at f5.

https://youtu.be/snpKevncc44

My quest has come to an end. I joined this game to be someone who could be there for Jodi. Jodi and I played survivor subrosa together and we both had rough experiences due to a player in the game who harassed jodi and tried to convince everyone I was misogynistic. As much as I love Survivor, I didn’t play this game to win. I played this game because Jodi told me she was playing it and I wanted to be her body guard. I wanted to be someone who could be there for her both as a number but also as an enforcer, anybody who ever dared to do anything to Jodi would’ve had to have dealt with me. Tonight, Amy and Colin have immunity, and either amy or josh or elle have an idol, so there’s no point in making any noise tonight and wasting Jared’s idol. None of those 4 trust me, and I doubt any of them like me. It is what it is, it’s best for Jodi, Jared, and Anastasia’s game to move forward without me, and it’s smart for Jared to keep his idol. Tonight, I will be voted out, and I am 100% at peace with it. 

Since Elle, Josh, Amy and Colin pooled their tokens for immunity and advantage refresh, it means all the advantages and disadvantages are on our side. Plan is to send Elle a disadvantage and let Colin know because honestly it’s not hard to find out anyways. Jay doesn’t mind getting booted at some point cuz he wants to stand for me on the jury, but I don’t want to boot him right now. Obviously they won’t boot Elle, so I’m going to see if Jared will propose Anastasia. The thing right now is me/Jay/Anastasia/Jared also know next round is invisible. So I want Jay or Anastasia to send Colin and Amy disadvantages because if they’re paranoid seeing me Jared/Jay/Anastasia have advantages and they have disadvantages, they might be paranoid enough to play all their idols. I also wanted to keep Jay for this round as it’d be unanimous and something everyone can settle on. Jared wanted to do me/Jared/Josh/Amy/Colin as an alliance but has concerns about the 3 of them being in top 5 in the majority snd also Colin having his ideal f3. I told him my plan has the best shot at flushing all idols and hopefully we can either get Josh to flip or at least have Amy/Colin vulnerable at 5/6. Last thing is Jared is worried he’d be blindsided this round. I told him my plan and I said even if he wanted to flush his idol this round, next round should be ok if we all vote out Jay and the rest of them flush idols. Good to be back in the game! I genuinely believe Colin wants me as a shield at least for this round, and if I can make it through, I have a game to play. 

Not everyone saying they only bought an advantage lol what about those other 70 tokens 👀👀👀 Like it must be jay unless someone is lying haha i am hoping people are just busy bc these answers I'm getting from Josh and Colin are concerning 😂 It looks like only elle and got disadvantages ☠️ I am really hoping not to be a target next round even though I know I will be haha. Next round is only 7 and I'd love to take out jodi and jared before they turn on me ☠️ especially since colin creeped on jodi's insta and it is possible they know each other from sports irl. And she was so concerned about all these pregame connections 😂 and here it was likely to deflect. Anyway I just swapped my position of having jodi do all the social work with having colin do all the social work knowing full well I'm not gonna get those end votes. I'm just trying to pull up my placement average now 😂. I hope everyone sees me as having no social game to take me to the end lol bc realistically I don't bc I don't care to put in that time this game. As I write from the pirates of the caribbean line 😂 So anyway if I'm not being lied to which I might be it looks like unanimous jay tonight but also I think the other group was talking split on jay like a 3-3-2 and I'm like wait the 2 wouldn't help. Elle are you okay with that? So I think they must have figured out I have stuff ☠️ I wonder what people REALLY bought haha okay bye

Jodi is back, not just Jodi Jodi, but player Jodi. Player Jodi thinks a LOT. When I was out, the entire time I was hoping somebody caught on that Amy flipped because they knew to put a stray vote on Colin to protect him from chaos idol, but they left Josh exposed. Why? Because Colin knew Amy was going to throw a vote on Josh. Also, Colin tied with me for closest ally and that set off an alarm too. Onto the next. So Colin won immunity, Amy bought immunity, but this could possibly be good because it means they are playing knowing they are not at risk themselves. Anastasia is voting with them this round, but she's actually working with us. She told us that the actual plan on that side is: "Jay, Jared, Jodi vote elle and Elle, Amy, Colin vote Jay and Josh and Anastasia vote Jodi" Anastasia will vote me here to continue "working" with them for the next vote. Essentially, they thought that Jay had the merge idol this whole time and Colin was weary about it, and that's why he got nervous about sending out Jay last round. That told me Colin did not have the merge idol. Josh came to me too about Jay having the merge idol. But the way they're splitting the votes this round shows me now that somebody has stepped forward to mention they have it (likely Elle) because if Jay idoled, Elle goes in this split vote plan. Therefore, somebody must've been like "ok let's just be safe and split the votes, I have the other idol". That's good and bad because now Colin has no merge idol paranoia, and they're also able to use it together. It also did confirm to me they've talked about it. Here's where things get tricky. Player Jodi is so tempted to run with it and do a 4-3-1 Josh-Jay-Jodi but it's so risky and could possibly destroy the long term social game, especially if they idol for Josh and Jay goes anyway (we are not idoling for him here). So instead, I'm going to use Jay's vote out to the best of my advantage. Hopefully flush an idol if possible, maybe a steal-a-vote, something. Knowing about next round being invisible is good info for us. Having this info is so key and usually I would think that immunity for a round is bigger than this but being able to plan ahead for a GAME-CHANGING twist is crucial here. My move here is to play the game through psychological distress. I have no advantages! Since they're out of tokens from buying immunity, me/Anastasia/Jared/Jay bought advantages for ourselves and also sent out disadvantages to Colin/Amy/Elle. Seeing that not only we have advantages but also them having disadvantages, they probably still feel like things will be ok because they'll just split votes or whatever and one of them needs to win immunity. But given this is an invisible round, I think Amy is honestly paranoid enough to just play her idol, hopefully Elle does too, and then between me and Jared, we'll idol for one of us. I also plan on bluffing an advantage coming back from Jury, and say something along the lines of having to survive one round before the advantage got activated. I'm going for the win, everyone, I know that if I get to the end with anybody, I have a solid shot at winning. I just need to get there and to do that, I must play an adaptable game – more than ever. PS I am holding onto Jared's idol right now. Power (temporary) feels amazing. Dw I'm giving it back....😈

this has been the most chill round in a while. which is really weird consider JODI IS BACK AND WE BLINDSIDED BRAYDEN LAST ROUND this round is turning out to be what I WANTED last round to be. everyone is talking with everyone, people are trying to disband the sides and all intermingle. it's really interesting how no one else was on board with this until after they lost majority. seems like people don't like playing from the bottom. weird huh now these bitches know how I felt >:( anyway. jodi is back. it's weird. she knows that amy flipped now and everyone is playing very carefully my ideal boot this round was either jay or josh, in that order. so when my gay ass WON IMMUNITY I immediately put out jay's name. we already have the numbers, but I also like said my piece to jodi and jared, this is yalls chance to prove to me that you're really with me and sides don't exist. the ball is in their court do i trust them? no. am I worried? no. i have immunity, the scariest thing rn is that I think Jay is voting Elle, and if Jared and Jodi are with him then that's scary, bc Jared has an idol. The ONLY people I would play my idol for is Amy and Elle, and Elle being in trouble means I might have to play my idol on her if Jay idols himself. We have enough to split, so I'm not worried, I just hope all goes according to plan. sorry my confessional is lame. its the weekend now so i have time uwu. I'll write more the next few days

So this whole token twist thing has really annoyed me. Because of me wanting to show my loyalty to my alliance, i gave away all my coins to Amy so that she could but immunity. And against my wishes, Elle wasted her coins on the “advantage” which turned out to be a dud. I wanted to get coins together to buy game info or better yet, trade coins with other people. But i was left with nothing, while all the people on the other side used their coins to buy advantages in the next immunity challenge making it even harder for me to secure my safety. Maybe this new 2 Gays and a Jared alliance might actually pan out but im tired of getting the short end of the stick with everything.

~~~

Edgic:

Power Rankings:

Anastasia: She is in the middle of the two sides. They both need her for the rest of this game before a side is terminated. She is the most powerful because she is in the middle.

Jodi: Has regained a lot of her footing in this game. Is being used as a shield by the people who voted her out. The decision to vote out Jay is questionable, but she still has a lot of power thanks to the knowledge Anastasia and Jared feed her.

Colin: The head of the opposing side. Seems to not know what is really going on with Anastasia. But his allies are willing to take him to the end which is good. Needs to avoid falling into a Jodi pitfall.

Amy: Her rat behavior has been exposed, but her allies are still willing to defend her. Second in command on the Colin side. She is being handed these immunities.

Jared: Jodi’s new #1. Will probably make it to the end of this game. However, he isn’t calling the shots and is in danger of being targeted as an “easy” vote or being called a goat at the end. Needs to start taking fate in his own hands.

Elle: Lost a lot of footing because of not telling Anastasia the truth. This move caused Anastasia to go back to Jodi’s side which will hurt in the coming round. Is the next target for the Jodi side.

Jay: Died on the sword for Jodi. I am confused why they didn’t just stack 4 votes somewhere else, but it is whatever. Has basically given up.

Josh: Left out of a lot of discussions. Is on the outside of his alliances and from the opposing side. Is the most in danger of getting targeted or being a casualty of an idol.

#episode #episodes

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

#thanks for coming to my ted talk #April 2021 daily #2021 daily

[andystanberg]

Gonna Take Ya (Away From Harm)

Word Count: 2340

Genre: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort

Warnings: crying, parents yelling at their kids, emotionally abusive parents (not sure about this one, but just in case)

Summary:

Dan has a shitty night and Phil makes it better. Set in 2009, sometime before October.

A/N I’ll be getting busier throughout the next few weeks, but I’ll try to keep fics consistent.

Dan tries to pretend like it doesn’t bother him when his parents start making ever so subtly snide comments about his relatives. He doesn’t quite understand why they would – the relatives in question all seem nice enough, but apparently not.

Even so, what his parents are saying shouldn’t affect him like that. Yet it does. Dan knows that it has nothing to do with him but at the same time… He’s all too familiar with the insult-that-could-pass-as-a-joke routine. His family – both immediate and distant – enjoyed talking about him as if he wasn’t there. Dan gets it; he’s lazy, has gotten fired for his own stupidity at all jobs he has ever worked at and to top it all off, he has recently dumped his girlfriend of three years. His parents are under the impression that she dumped him. (He doesn’t say anything, just sits there as they joke about it.)

Most of the time he fades into the background during family events. He understands that he’s a pretty easy target. That doesn’t make it hurt any less though.

Instead of saying anything in defence, like he knows he should, Dan casts his eyes downward and grips his fork tighter. The conversation quickly moves on and he almost forgets it. He almost lets himself believe that nothing else will go wrong tonight.

-

Dan races to his room, fighting the urge to slam his door shut, because he knows it’ll only make things worse. He’s about to cry, he can feel it, but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s going to cry over the stupid shit his family says. He doesn’t like that he’s proving his parents’ “too sensitive” argument they bring up every time he has the audacity to not like being yelled at.

Most of all, he doesn’t like crying. His mum might see, and he knows she’ll come in if she does and tell him to toughen up – obviously more sugar coated – in a soothing voice and he’ll accept. That’s just what he does. So instead of going out and pretending that he’s fine, Dan wraps his blankets around him tighter, furiously wipes his tears that have just started and closes his eyes. He hears his parents having fun and joking around outside, unaware that he’s currently bawling over how much of a disappointment he is to them. He chucks a pillow over his head for good measure.

-

The next thing he knows is that he’s waking up at 1am in uncomfortable jeans and a sweaty shirt.

He immediately shuffles out of them, chucks the offending articles of clothing somewhere in his room and tries to sleep. Surprise, he doesn’t.

After a few more minutes of tossing and turning, Dan gives in and pulls out his laptop from where it is under his bed and turns it on. It’s there in case he steps on it, which he has never done. (It’s actually there because his dad got mad at him for leaving it lying around and yelled at him until he moved it.)

He chews his lip while it takes forever to boot up. Every part of his body is screaming to call Phil, to hear his voice. Dan can’t do that, though. He has a feeling that as soon as Phil asks what’s wrong – and he will – Dan will break down. He can’t have that. Not now, not over his family, not in front of Phil.

The Windows loading thing that Dan never learnt the name over is replaced by his desktop background, which is most certainly not a screenshot of Phil that he captured during one of their Skype sessions. He frowns and weighs the pros and cons of calling as his mouse hovers over the Skype logo. All it takes is the memory of the disaster dinner filling the silent house for him to open it up.

Unsurprisingly, Phil’s offline. It is 1am after all, what did Dan even expect? He doesn’t know why, but this crushes him. It makes everything seem a billion times worse. He just wants to see Phil’s smile, to hear his voice. He just wants Phil to tell him everything will be okay.

Dan’s trying not to sob again. He’s tired and emotional and has no impulse control, so he sends Phil a text via his phone. He chucks the phone away a few seconds later, knowing that there’s no point staring at it and waiting for an answer. He jumps and barely stops a scream when a loud ding rings throughout the room.

(He swears that he didn’t scramble across his room to get his phone and fall off his bed in an ungraceful pile of blankets.)

DAN – 1:12am hey, you up?

PHIL – 1:15am Took a while, but I am now! Are you alright? <3

Dan almost started crying again. Phil picked up on his mood straight away. Okay, maybe texting someone at 1am was a dead giveaway that everything was most certainly not fine, but Dan couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming rush of gratitude to his best friend.

DAN – 1:15am yeah

DAN – 1:15am it’s just, sometimes i can actually convince myself that people care

PHIL – 1:15am I care :(

DAN – 1:16am

i know, i know. i know that people care, but then a night like this happens and i can’t even imagine that anybody would care if i died.

PHIL – 1:18am Dan, answer my calls. Or at least skype me <3

DAN – 1:18am can’t, sorry…

PHIL – 1:19am Why not? What happened? Are you sure you’re okay????

DAN – 1:21am …i swear i’m physically okay

PHIL – 1:21am ?

DAN – 1:21am i’m a sobbing mess right now

PHIL – 1:21am Why? :(

DAN – 1:23am idk, i’m just so upset phil. it’s like nothing i ever do is good enough for them and idk… said that twice oops

DAN – 1:24am also the other reason we can’t skype is because everyone’s asleep and i don’t want to wake them up. my dad would probably barge in and start yelling at me again >_<

PHIL – 1:24am He yelled at you?!

DAN – 1:26am don’t worry i was just being stupid and spilt water everywhere while i was trying to clear the table. i fuckup everything haha

PHIL – 1:26am You’re not stupid! None of that’s your fault and don’t you dare say you’re a fuckup ever again.

DAN – 1:30am i know, i think. get this though – i completely forgot about the mess and putting away the leftovers (literally mostly what my job is lol) and went to my room to cry so he told my brother to tell me to “clean up the mess i made”

DAN – 1:31am like i’m so dumb dad actually had to tell my bro to tell me so i got the message O.o

PHIL – 1:32am Dan…

PHIL – 1:32am Can I please call you? <3

DAN – 1:33am …fine. on skype? no video tho soz <3

Dan switches off his phone with a sigh and looks back at his laptop. It’s an old one and after twenty minutes of being on, it’s whirring dangerously. Dan is pretty sure it’s not supposed to be doing that, but he wants nothing more in the world to see Phil right now, so he dismisses it. This time, when he checks Skype, there’s a green tick next to Phil’s contact. And a new message.

PHIL – 1:40am Am I still able to call?

Dan smiles. He loves the way Phil always makes sure he’s okay with stuff. His sleep-addled brain can’t really form words to express how it feels other than warm, but that’s okay, because he doesn’t need that right now. He needs Phil.

DAN – 1:40am please.

PHIL IS CALLING.

Dan takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes a final time. They’re still wet and he knows they’re red but he doesn’t care that much anymore. He accepts, making sure to turn off the camera.

“Hey, Dan!” Phil’s sleepy but somehow cheery voice chirps as the pixels that are supposed to resemble Phil take up Dan’s screen. Phil doesn’t have his light on, but his face is dimly lit from his own laptop. Dan wishes he could see more than black and grey chunks.

“H-hey,” he croaks out, then clears his throat. He’s so quiet that Dan’s not sure if Phil even heard him. He did.

The pixels move around a bit and suddenly everything is much brighter, making Dan squint. When he fully opens his eyes, he sees Phil frowning worriedly. He also sees the colourful bed sheets Dan has grown accustom to seeing, Phil’s toy lion and the edge of his wardrobe. The familiar scenery relaxes Dan and makes him feel at home.

“You okay?” Phil asks.

Dan knows that there’s no point in lying, because Phil knows him. He nods anyway. Then he realises that he doesn’t have video on and that he’s gotten used to video Skype calls with Phil. Dan sighs, contemplating whether or not to turn video on when he remembers that Phil asked him something.

“What?” Dan says dumbly, before recalling the question. “Oh- yeah, I’m fine.” He says it in such a resigned voice that there’s no way Phil will believe him now.

There’s an uncomfortable silence. Dan watches as Phil moves around on his bed a bit, then open his mouth only to shut it again. Phil does this quite a few times before he finally says anything.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil’s voice is gentle. Dan is half-tempted to. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but at the very least, could you turn on your video? Just so I know you’re okay.”

Dan knows that if he does turn on his camera, there’s no way he can tell Phil what happened without breaking down embarrassingly, and as he stated before, he most certainly did not want Phil to witness that.

He agrees and clicks on the camera button, not before messing around with his hair until he decides that nothing can be done about the curly mess on his head at the moment.

It takes a few seconds for his laptop and Skype to process the request. In those few seconds, Dan realises just how shitty he probably looks. He had fallen asleep crying and woken up forty minutes ago, his hair is a mess, his eyes are red and his cheeks are blotchy. He realises with horror that he’s also just in his boxers.

It’s too late for him to back out now because the box with the three, maybe four, pixels that are supposed to represent him is in the corner of the screen, meaning Phil can (kind of) see him.

“Hey,” Dan says lamely, then cringes because he’s already said that.

Phil shuffles closer to the screen. “Hello,” he grins, easing Dan’s nerves slightly. “I can’t really see you that much, can you turn on your light?”

Dan almost slaps himself in the forehead right then and there. Obviously Phil can’t see him. “Right, sorry, I’m such an idiot.” He forces a laugh as he reaches over and flicks the light switch. The bright light floods the room immediately, making Dan blink.

Once he can actually focus on things without seeing spots dance across his vision, he turns back to Phil. Dan notices that he’s being uncharacteristically quiet, like he’s thinking about something. Dan doesn’t push it.

“Sorry about my lack of clothes. I fell asleep in the ones I wore today and felt gross when I woke up. I honestly forgot about it until now,” he rambles.

Phil laughs. “Right,” he grins, winking. Dan blushes.

“So, how was your day?” He cringes at how awkward and forced the question sounds.

“Pretty good. My brother visited and my parents took me and him out to some fancy restaurant. Although, it did end up in us getting kicked out.” Phil laughs again, making Dan crack a smile.

“How’d you manage that?” He asks, incredulous.

“Well, it started with us seeing a goose dish on the menu...” Phil continues his storytelling and soon, Dan forgets why they started the call in the first place.

-

It’s only when Dan starts to yawn do they realise how late/early it is. They had been talking for over three hours. It may not seem like a lot, but considering they had both woken up at one and it being roughly five now, they’re entitled to feel tired.

Phil offers to leave, but something in Dan’s expression convinces him to stay just a little longer.

“You know,” Phil says, out of the blue. Dan’s droopy eyes open slightly, so Phil knows he’s listening. “I’ve been thinking. We’ve known each other for a few months now and you’re like my best friend, so I was wondering if you’d like to come over sometime? I could buy the tickets if you didn’t have the money. You would also be able to escape your parents…” He trails off nervously.

“Mmm,” Dan mumbles, not really conscious enough to comprehend anything. His brain takes a while to process what he just heard, but as soon as it does, he’s suddenly wide awake. “Wait, are you serious?”

Phil nods while his hands fiddle with each other in his lap.

“Yes! That would be the best thing ever, I’d love to come to Manchester!” Dan’s smiling so wide it hurts, but he can’t bring himself to stop.

Phil lets out a relieved sigh. “Thank god. I thought you were going to say no.”

“I’d never,” Dan swears. He’s never been more honest about something in his life.

Phil smiles. “How about we talk about this in the morning? Well, later in the morning. You should get some sleep.”

“So should you.”

“Oh, hush.”

Dan’s the first to fall asleep. Phil admires how peaceful he looks for a few minutes before deciding that he should also go to bed. With a sigh, he ends the call and turns off his laptop, making a mental note to look into tickets to Manchester tomorrow.

A/N Got really emotional last week and started writing this. On a lighter note, I got out of first period halfway in and went to the doctor (dehydration, it was fine) yesterday so that was cool. (Pun not intended.)

#phanfiction #phanfic #phandom #phan #yikes the ending seems forced #whoops #people from school are trying to find my account again #they suck at it #now time for the tags to promote my stuff #fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #crying #emotional abuse #tw; emotional abuse #2009

[tars-poker-face]

1-100

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?technically there multiple boys, girls, and neither in my life2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?i don’t think so3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”cat4: What’s something you really want right now?hydration5: Are you afraid of falling in love?i guess6: Do you like the beach?a little7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?a dog8: What’s the background on your cell?a ufo and alien saying goodbye forever

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine at my apartment, mine at my house, my parents’ probably, and a hotel bed10: Do you like your phone?yes11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?no12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?a coworker13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rott14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?emotional i guess15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?zoo16: Are you tired?yes17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?about a year and a half18: Are they a relative?no19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?no20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?shrug emoji21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?shrug emoji22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?no23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none24: Is there a certain quote you live by?probably some angsty passenger lyric25: What’s on your mind?hydration26: Do you have any tattoos?no27: What is your favorite color?neon blue28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?shrug emoji29: Who are you texting?no one right this second30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?no31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yeah33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?who knows34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?yes35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?stabby stabby (myself)36: Were you single on Valentines Day?shrug emoji37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?shrug emoji38: What do your friends call you?an assortment of nicknames39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?probably

40: Have you ever cried over a text?yeah41: Where’s your last bruise located?not sure tbh42: What is it from?shrug emoji43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?all the time44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?the helpdesk or deluxe for work45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?my vans with flowers46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?i wear hats if i’m having a good hair day47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?probably not48: Do you make supper for your family?i barely make anything for myself49: Does your bedroom have a door?i live in a studio50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, youtube, achievement hunter51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?yeah52: Does anything on your body hurt?maybe my eyes53: Are goodbyes hard for you?idk if they’re hard, i just don’t say goodbye54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?one time my manager spilled a bucket of ice on me55: How is your hair?drying56: What do you usually do first in the morning?check social media57: Do you think two people can last forever?probably58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?yeah59: Green or purple grapes?grape juice60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?i’m not sure61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yeah on a road trip halfway across the country62: When will be the next time you text someone?probably like five minutes63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?dinner with management64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?yes very much so66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?michael fassbender67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?i haven’t even spoken to anyone today68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?”going to sleep at 1am? nice”69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?all the time70: How many windows are open on your computer?safari, trillian, telegram, pages, and fucking spotify for some fucking reason71: How many fingers do you have?all of them72: What is your ringtone?some sound73: How old will you be in 5 months?2274: Where is your Mum right now?in illinois somewhere75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?now that ain’t my damn fault76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?no77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yeah mostly i think78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?i don’t79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?my brother80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?no81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?um maybe like 1.582: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?shruggity shrug84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?the question is who would let me get drunk and who is my wingman85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?yeah86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?last time i was at work, a drunk guy started throwing up (that’s a story for another time)87: Who was your last received call from?some chicago spam numbe88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?only if they took care of the fire and touching the butterfly89: What is something you wish you had more of?motivation90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?i guess91: Do you sleep with your window open?no that’s how demon bugs get in92: Do you get along with girls?yeah93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?no94: Does sex mean love?no95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?shrug emoji96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no97: Did you sleep alone this week?yeah98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?michael fassbender i’m telling you99: Do you believe in love at first sight?i have mixed feelings100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?i have absolutely no idea