#idk if i need to mention i have depression and anxiety issues too

[wonryllis]

daddy issues, my little girl (m) | park jongseong.

﹙ 🎬 ﹚ ぃ ────𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗴𝗶𝗿𝗹,

preview. you had always had daddy issues, for as long as you could remember. so when jay came along with his caring nature, how could you possibly keep your feelings at bay? not to forget, your roses of love have wilted long before you even knew what love meant but jay, he’s here at your doorstep with a watering can. will you be able to refuse?

or where, new neighbor dr jay park is asked to babysit you over the week. ironically the only man you have ever had a crush on. you are so determined to put aside the feelings but jay makes things so much harder. he is way too sweet and caring and you are way too pessimistic and insecure. how is it going to work with you gravitating towards him in inadvertence and jay welcoming your presence with candor radiance? especially with all of your buried issues coming to life more than ever. false hopes and reserved secrets, reluctant truths and feelings that linger deep. he is right there, two doors away to reach. so why is it that love still feels so far?

meet the cast. daddy park jongseong(jay) with his doll fem!reader

genre. neighbour to lovers, age gap (like 7 years), romance, SMUT MDNI!!, comfort angst, fluff, happy ending, doctor(might change that)!jay with his precious girl. jay literally always at his girl's beck and call, he cares about you a lottttt trope. the "i know you can do it, but let me do it for you" trope. kinda ddlg concept idk? he's like your pillar, comfort person and just everything you have ever needed. practically your dream man come to life. subject to additions later on.

word count. 18-19k so far, est around 35k revamp + second installment.

warnings. DARK THEMES: hints of: daddy issues, attachment anxiety, inferiority complex, abandonment issues, depression, childhood emotional neglect, philophobia, insomnia, social anxiety, hints at emotional/psychological abuse, gaslighting, hints at being suicidal, people pleaser syndrome, mommy issues, thantophobia, atelophobia, atychiphobia, pistanthrophobia, avoidant personality disorder, body dysmorphia. more could be added on release and nsfw warnings will be mentioned in full fic.

theme song. daddy issues by the neighborhood and future by red velvet. on the side you can listen to: love letter by bolbbalgan4, adore you by harry styles, pacify her by melanie martinez, cool kids by echosmith, your existence by wonstein, teenage dreams by katy perry ..

RELEASING. TBD, progress ! 57%

"i’m home!” slipping off your converse, you put the pair inside the shoe cabinet near the entrance and close the wooden door in a sigh before trudging in. the lights in the living room are dimmed, something your parents would never do. it catches you a tad bit off guard but nevertheless you try not to think too much. considering the silence surrounding you they most definitely are out for work and as usual forgot to turn off the lights. with cautious steps you walk futher inside, with all intention to sneak in a pack of chips from the kitchen like a thief even though at this point you’ve practically come to the conclusion you’re home alone, but one can never be too careful.

a cat like shriek leaves you when your eyes land on the back of a figure sitting on the couch, your phone almost slipping through the grasp of your fingers as your eyes widen in shock. startled, your heart more or less stopping in a screeching brake for a split second.

the man visibly flinches at the sound of your voice,“who are you?!-” standing up and turning around to face you,“jay?”

“god y/n, you’re gonna make me deaf,” he complains, face contorting into a tender, teasing expression; a small smile gracing his lips as he walks around the couch and leans against the top of the backrest. you watch as he looks at you, so softly that it makes you wonder, has anyone ever in your entire life looked at you like that? a look radiating such gentleness. maybe not, not until now that is.

“you got home early today, i thought you’d be out for two more hours?” his brows raise in a questioning manner as his gaze shifts to go over the time showing on your living room clock.

“uh, well i was working on a project the last few days but i finished it yesterday so,” you speak unsure if you should even be telling him this instead of asking what he’s doing in here.

“oh okay, that’s good,” taking off his overcoat he walks into the kitchen, folding up his dress shirt’s sleeves on the way,“what do you want for lunch then? do you want to eat takeout? or should i cook you something? you must be hungry,” he takes out a bottle of cold water from the fridge and pours in a glass for you, sliding the cup on the countertop towards you as you approach the space in hesitant and confused steps.

his questions dumbfound you, leaving your brain at a loss, still dazed from his presence before you,“what? why are you asking me that? and what are you doing in my house?” you ask, looking completely clueless when jay turns to look at you expecting it to be some kind of a sarcastic remark. but the lost look in your eyes has him surrendering even if it does turn out to be some joke.

“taking care of you,” jay smiles, straightening his posture in an upright position and moving closer to the counter across which you stand,“technically, babysitting,”

“babysitting? me? but,” it baffles you, is this some prank or are you supposed to know something you don’t? your mind’s mechanical gears slow down, friction arising in between them. you don’t remember anything regarding or relating to the term babysitting. there’s no way he’s serious.. right?

“doll, didn’t your parents tell you they’re gonna be out on a business trip for a week? they asked me to look after you while they’re gone,” what.

yes these past few days when you couldn’t catch a hidden, one-sided glimpse of him in the elevator you did feel weird. and you definitely did subconsciously wish to run across him again, even though you were on a mission to avoid him, but this; this is not what you would’ve liked, this is not what you wanted. this is far from what you can handle, what your messed up self can accept.

“no?” the look on your face has jay almost spilling a laugh, the way your features contort to a whiny crying expression. how cute. he thinks.

“that’s okay, now you know,” trying to imitate you, he scrushes up his nose in a slight pout, reaching out to pat your head twice. and there goes your heart. you never thought you’d like head pats this much, you only remember getting them twice from your father but it felt different. it used to annoy you because he would mess up your hair but the way jay caressed your head it felt you had accomplished something, so gentle and careful yet still close to a ruffle.

taglist ( open. ) @s00buwu @lilyuwon @pockyyasii @nctislifue @lheebra @boyfhee @defnotfertilizedtoesw @brownsugarbaybee @skylaly @sparklovespink @luvyouchuu @ming-h0e @cha0thicpisces @butterflywonie @kgneptun @haechansbbg @m3chigo @wonsbaer @woncine @eneiyri @siyen @wonyoungsvirus @heesquared @enhafim22 @velvtcherie @ineedsomezzz @simjyunnie @seochangbinnnnnnnnnnn @wonkifangirl @sweetwonieee @luvnicho @fakeuwus @sunpov @notevenheretbh1 @kaykay11sworld @saurxcream @shawnyle @monstaxdirtywonk @wannieepisod @woozixo @sophi-ee @rikiwaify-blog @fluerz @iselltulips @belowbun @yunjinsbbg @enhasnuggles @enhaswirlds @enhastolemyheart @jooniesbears-blog

#( 🩰 ) 𝐝𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥! #enhypen imagines #enhypen smut #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #enhypen oneshots #enhypen jay imagines #enhypen jay smut #enhypen hard hours #enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen scenarios #enhypen heeseung imagines #enhypen heeseung smut #enhypen sunghoon imagines #enhypen sunghoon smut #enhypen jake imagines #enhypen jake smut #enhypen x you #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x y/n #enhypen jay x reader #enhypen drabbles #enhypen headcanons #enhypen reactions

[newtkive]

pixels [newt x reader - modern text au]

ch. 4 - agoraphobia and burger king on 5th street

summary: a personal experience provides a way for newt to connect to y/n.

warnings: strong language, mental health talk, depression, medication (its my literal prescription i mention oops this is like a self insert fr), mutual pining, none really.

➥ m.list

--

THE GLADE

[ 10:52 am ]

y/n: it’s official yall

drugs saved my life

tommy: huh??

minho: same

newt: wow, i’ve never seen your name on my screen before 12 pm

y/n: shut the hell up bitch

newt: ouch, touchy

minho: woah

touchy 👀

are yallll..?

y/n: you’re sick

tommy: are we going to ignore the drugs statement??

like hello are u ok ??

newt: you’re annoying minho

minho: yea <3 😊

notice how they didn’t say no

y/n: you guys just don’t understand how a girl like me needs beauty sleep..

and no we aren’t

gally: all that beauty sleep and ur still walking around with that mug.. yikes.

y/n: 😑

i hate you i haete you i dhateoyifu

minho: great she’s having a fit

y/n: no one cares about me

and you think i’m ugly

this is so sick

and you don’t even care that i’m on drugs

☹️😭😭😭😭 done.

newt: no one said that love

gally that was rude

minho: BRUHHHHH

here she goes

tommy: I CAREE????????

DO I NEED TO COMEGET YOU????

y/n: yes 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

before i do something crazy 😭😭💣

minho: THE BOMB IS WILD

tommy: stay where you are

i have your location

newt: uhhh

y/n: pause what

minho: tommy why would you admit to that

tommy: im On my way! what’s the issue

sorry autocorrect

y/n: WHY DO YOU HAVE MY LOCATION????

gally: can you guys shut the fuck up

minho: the drama queen is here 😍

gally: stop

alby: I have it on Life360, I imagine Thomas does as well. In fact I have all of your locations.

y/n: oh

i forgot about that app..

minho: i didn’t. i get a notif that newt’s phone is at 5% all the goddamn time

even tho he said he deleted it

newt: just turn it off then

i redownloaded it don't track my app intake

minho: no it makes me feel less lonely

y/n: awwwww

idk how you do that newt

newt: do what?

y/n: not charge your phone

if my phone gets below like 15% then the monsters will get me

tommy: omg me tooo 🥹

newt: i was about to say you sound like tommy.

tommy: don’t say that!

she’s on drugs i don’t want to sound like an addict 😔

newt: she isn’t on drugs thomas

tommy: she literally said she is newt :/

5 mins and i’m there y/n

y/n: are you actually fr

thomas..

we live very far away sweetie

newt: i mean

if you were in trouble you don’t think we’d come get you?

tommy: ^^

but life360 says you’re at the burger king on 5th

minho: no that’s me LOOOL

y/n: NEWTTT ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

tommy: wtf

i’m the one who’s coming to get u

why does he get the credit

minho: no tommy you’re coming to get me

tommy: oh yippee i get to see my friend 🤗

newt: ewwwwww

y/n: EWWWWW

tommy: OH STOP IT

y/n: why burger king of all places min

minho: why drugs of all things y/n

gally: she’s not doing drugs are you guys fuckin insane

y/n: yes i am

it’s 10 mg of fluoxetine 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

ONCE A DAY!!!!!!

IM ADDICTED

newt: no you aren’t, 10 mg is the smallest dose

minho: told y’all she was on drugs

y/n: ???????

minho: over the year

you’re too hyper to not be on some crack shit

tommy: oh stop that’s not nice.

newt: it’s not drugs like that minho stop.

tommy: uhoh he brought out the . at the end

y/n: it’s just for anxiety cuz i can’t leave the house without going into a breakdown

minho: she got acrophobia

told y’all she was mental

newt: what the fuck are you talking about

tommy: oh i know that word

fear of spiders 🕷️

minho: wtf no

fear of outside

y/n: i’m not afraid of outside

newt: that’s agoraphobia you fucking dumbass

y/n: 😍

i did NOT mean to send that lol oops

newt: ??

oh, okay

minho: when he’s a know it all 😍

when she’s agoraphobic 😍

y/n: when he’s at burger king on 5th because he has no food in his fridge and can only afford a $1.99 whopper with the coupons from the newspaper 😍😍😍😍

minho: 😒😑

newt: LMFAOOOO

GOOD THAT

minho: british people be so annoying

saying shit like gormless minger and good that be sooo real rn

newt: i have never said gormless minger in my whole 26 years of life.

y/n: you just did bro

newt: call me bro again

y/n: bro

brosive

brother

stepbro

minho: laughed until i saw the last msg :/

newt: 😑

y/n: ok youre the perverts

minho: cant you take your prozac and turn back to normal now

y/n: so you DO know what it is..

gally: wym 'back to normal' like there was smth before this??

y/n: real i been like this for life

tommy: i got whopper and two large fries and mozzarella sticks

newt: wow

y/n: wow just call him a fatass newt.

newt: i would never, stop

y/n: 2 large fries is kinda crazy tho

tommy: i have to get enough to share with my friend

minho

gally: surprised you have friends

tommy: yeah you are not one.

gally: RUDE?

y/n: WELL LMFAO

minho: i literally already ate also gally ur not my friend either

newt: same

alby: same

gally: well why tf am i in here

y/n: well you're my friend!

gally: great.

y/n: not with that attitude..

tommy: y/n you're ok though right??

y/n: yes tommy im fine sweetie

go eat your food

tommy: okay i wish you could share these fries with me

y/n: me too :(

minho: i don't

big back would eat em all

y/n: i actually hate you

__

newt

[ 11:45 am ]

newt: hey

y/n: hiii :D whats up??

newt: idk why but this feels like secretly texting you across the room at a party

y/n: actually tho

picture me giving u a look from across the room

newt: you would blow our cover immediately

i just wanted to let you know if you needed any like,, advice or something with your new medicine i'm here for you. i take the same stuff on top of lexapro

y/n: oh really?

newt: yeah i do

y/n: newt :( thank you

i am a bit nervous to start it tbh

newt: i understand, i was too

but hopefully it'll change things for the better

y/n: i hope so

i didn't realize you dealt with anxiety n stuff

newt: more than you know

you aren't the only one and you aren't alone w it

y/n: you're sweet newt, thank you

newt: don't mention it :))

sorry the smiley was creepy

y/n: lmao no i like it

if you need to talk or anything too i’m always here

newt: yeah?

y/n: of course ): you’re my pookie

newt: one day you gotta let go of that word lmao

y/n: but you love it tho

newt: you tell yourself that

actually are you free rn?

y/n: yeah! i’m just about home what’s up?

newt: i’m bored so pick up the phone

y/n: NEWT LMAO

ok fine 😒

#the maze runner #the maze runner fanfic #tmr #tmr newt #newt x reader #newt imagine #the maze runner newt x reader #the maze runner newt imagine #the maze runner newt #thomas brodie sangster #thomas brodie-sangster #thomas brodie sangster x reader #dylan o'brien #reader insert #text au #modern au #newt x reader au #fanfic #the maze runner imagine #newt tmr #thomas brodie-sangter x reader #hi #idk #reader is funny #tbs #tbs x reader #tbs imagine #thomas the maze runner

[cringelordofchaos]

Common ADHD traits/experiences I've heard of !!

(I was gonna make a post about why I might be neurodivergent but I figured it'd be going a bit too personal. Also this is just easier)

(ADHD is much more nuanced and complex than I may make it appear in this post. A lot of ADHD people don't have a lot of these traits or have traits not mentioned here. For example there are three types of ADHD (inattentive, hyperactive and combined) and most inattentive adhders are not going to be hyperactive lol)

Warning: badly worded (I'm stupid that's my excuse). also I'll go on personal rants as to how some of these may apply to me (whilst I can reasonate with each point listed here I won't go on a rat on all of these)

Physical hyperactivity (inability to sit/stand still (I used to think this meant that people with ADHD were incapable of. Sitting down (while constantly fidgeting or not) for one whole class)(I was an idiot)(I still am)). (Just overall constant , movement (I might have it idk I'm ALWAYS

Excessive talking

Stimming, fidgeting, general and overall repetitive movements (such as flapping hands, pacing, clasping hands together, etc)

Low attention span regarding things that don't garner much interest to you

More likely to be autistic, have anxiety or depression (or generally have other diagnostic conditions)

Ability to Hyperfocus on specific things, at times out of their control

More likely to have a lower Performance in school that most people

Proneness to addiction

Rejection sensitive dysphoria/RSD (really sensitive and afraid to rejection or criticism or disapproval or stuff like that. I'm questioning if I have it and I'm pretty sure I do bc i would have a whole breakdown bc i accidentally had a bad unintentional thought about this cool person I didn't want to hate me)(it's complicated)

Emotional disregulation (easily irritable, excited, stressed, stronger emotions, more likely to lash out, etc)(people with this are usually described to be much more emotional)

restless leg syndrome (except it's permanent lol)

Lower memory spans regarding most things

Forgetting to fulfill basic needs (such as eating, drinking, showering, etc)

Women/AFAB people are more likely to be diagnosed with inattentive ADHD (this of course does not rucking mean afab people can't b hyperactive my god)

Mental hyperactivity (racing/constant/overlapping/repetitive thoughts or stuff like that)

Impulsivity (doing stuff without thinking them fully though or not knowing why)

Sensory issues (sensitivity to sensory output such as noise, brightness, etc)

Easily bored/underwhelmed/understimulated - more likely to want to seek constant dopamine (due to l

Easily overwhelmed (whether itd be due to aforementioned sensory issues, emotional disregulation, rsd or stuff like that)

More likely to be perceived as "childish" (from what I've heard obviously this and many other things listed here don't apply to everyone)

Executive dysfunction (can't do shit at all)(ok it's more complicated than that just Google it up or something)

Having Hyperfixations (things you're DEEPLY invested in for a period of time, it can be a few days, weeks, months, sometimes more than a year, depends rly)(I'm still questioning if I'm neurodivergent but like I'm pretty sure I was in a DEEP hyperfixation mode when it came to sonic for like. A YEAR. like I literally it was literally the only thing on my brain the only thing in my life. and I would get realllytyy excited about learning obscure information about it or infodumping and I would flap my hands bc of how excited and passionate I was Abt it)(man I miss the times when I was so passionate about stuff I liked it was so fun :(( )

Higher/lower levels of empathy (I've seen this moreso been brought up with discussions regarding autism but I've also seen it brought up with ADHD itself too)

Lower levels of dopamine

Impatience

More likely to be a maladaptive daydreamer

Its cause is usually heavily genetic (meaning if your family or a family member has ADHD, you are more likely to have ADHD yourself)

More likely to have insomniac/have general problems with sleep (I'm questioning ADHD. I'm writing this like... Five hours before I'm supposed to wake up for school. Great.)

There is also a higher relevance between ADHD and PTSD

If I missed something important let me know!! Also if you don't know some of he

This post is not meant to be used as a substitute for self nor professional diagnosis, though if you feel like you might have ADHD because of this post I recommend further research and conversations with trusted advisors such as parental figures or therapists/doctors (not me not listening to my own advice)(<- that was me regarding my latter advice)(I'm too scared to tell my parents about it man)(idk why)

Things to note:

ADHD is not just about little elementary school hyperactive white boys !!

There's a lot of things I mightve missed

Not everyone with ADHD has all these traits (obviously)

Some of these traits may be common due to the commonness of ADHD + autism overlap (idk though)

Apparently it's one of the most diagnosed forms of neurodivergence in kids (about 7-10% of kids in the USA are diagnosed with ADHD)(APPARENTLY idk)

There's more but I'm tired right now byeeee

#adhd #adhd brain #adhd things #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #attention deficit disorder #neurodiverse #actually adhd #actually neurodiverse #neurodiversity #actually neurodivergent #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #yeahh idk what else to tag #nd #adhd symptoms #adhd traits #adhd symptom

[nattyscuddlycabin]

Midnight Cuddles

natasha romanoff x f!reader

A/N: hiii this is my first fic and english is my second language so feedback is welcome just please don’t be mean! Idk why I decided my first fic to be so heavy, I just need some cuddly Nat.

Genre: fluff <3 but also angst

Warnings: body issues, self-loathing, kidnapping, human trafficking and experimentation, child abuse, childhood trauma, probably PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

Summary: Reader is a new recruit to the Avengers, and everyone but one person seems to warm up to them, or that’s what they think.

( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡

Your childhood was rough. You were initially raised by a single mother with a lot of anger issues, all taken out on you. After years of dealing with her, you were kidnapped by this old organisation by the name of Hades. Pretty much the original Hydra. They experimented on kids and teenagers trying to give them some superhuman abilities for their own purposes.

That's where you got your powers. You could manipulate people’s minds into seeing, feeling, smelling, tasting, and hearing things that aren’t actually there. That’s also where you got your name, The Illusionist. Hades fell down due to the lack of money to continue their experiments years ago and just threw all of you out onto the streets.

One thing led to another and now you are the new recruit to the Avengers team. Of course. The 6 original Avengers were the mightiest superheroes, and you were to join them.

At first, you weren’t thrilled. They were all way more skilled in fighting, as Hades never got to train you, only give you your powers that you can semi-control. That also made you look less muscular than them which would never leave your mind when near them. Not to mention everybody knew who the 6 heroes of the world were. Nobody knew you.

Slowly, most of the team warmed up to you. Tony joked around goofily all the time, making you laugh, Bruce helped you regulate your powers a bit better, Thor acted like you were the big family’s little kid even though you really were 28, Clint popped out of the vents to scare you a few times, Steve asked you to help him figure out his phone like a thousand times, but there was one person who always just gave you a cold shoulder. That was Natasha. You attempted to talk to Natasha. It was hard to get the confidence to even go up to her as she is so intimidating, then each time you approach her, she just answers shortly before walking away.

To be honest, you understood her. You were a random person that suddenly joined her big family. But on the other hand, you craved her validation.

The tower didn’t have a floor assigned for you specifically, at least not yet, so it was decided for you to take a guest room on Natasha’s floor for now, as you are both women and you would be more comfortable. At least that’s what everyone thought.

Every day you walk out of your room and see Natasha walking out of hers. You always greet her kindly, but all she responds with is an annoyed “hello.” Never looking at you in the eyes.

Others tried to comfort you and tell you that she would warm up to you soon and that she is just not used to you, yet, and you tried to believe them but couldn’t help think the worst. What if she thinks you are too low on skills to be in the team? What if she thinks you aren’t fit enough to be on the team? What if she thinks it’s a mistake that you are on the team?

One night, you get your first nightmare while sleeping in the tower. You undeniably get nightmares from parts of your life. You wake up sweating and breathing heavily as you think of the nightmare. It had been things that your mother and the Hades people had said to you. It all replayed over and over again in your head as your mind began agreeing with the things said.

Usually you have some comfort in your own little apartment you had till now. It was familiar to you. Now, everything is still too new, that it adds on to the anxiety and thoughts. Your mind began also thinking of Natasha saying those things about you.

Things were getting bad, you began losing control over your breath, tears streaming down your face as you tried searching for your little comfort teddy bear. It might’ve been “childish” but that was the only thing that normally helped you calm down. But for tonight, nothing helped.

A little voice in your brain seemed to speak through all the negative thoughts, telling you to run to Natasha’s room. You instantly got up and ran to her room, putting no thought into what you were doing until you already knocked on her door. As you knocked, you started thinking even worse.

“Why did I knock?!” You thought, starting to sob even more, “She hates me!!! And crying like this?! She will be so mad at me for crying and waking her up and bothering her again!”

But before you could run away, she opened the door. Her green eyes showed clear surprise and worry as she quickly grabbed your hand and pulled you inside her room. The redhead closed the door quickly, hugging you.

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay, I’m here!” she said, scrunching her eyebrows in concern, “what happened? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I- I- I’m sorry! I’m sorry I woke you up!! I’m so sorry!!! Please don’t hate me even more! I’m sorry!” you cried, shaking violently.

“It’s okay! It’s okay! I don’t hate you! Cry it all out, okay? I’m here.” She exclaims worriedly as she pulls you to sit on the bed next to her and hugs you tightly, rubbing your back.

After a few minutes of crying and hugging her, your tears slowed down and you pulled away.

“I’m sorry…”

“Why are you apologising?” She questions.

“I just… I came in here crying like that and interrupted your sleep and bothered you just because of a stupid nightmare… I’m sorry…”

“I get nightmares, too, okay? It’s okay to ask for help for them. It’s okay to cry from them. And I’m proud of you for coming to me.”

”You- you are proud of me? Why would you be proud of me for that? I’m too sensitive…” You look at her in slight confusion.

“Yes, yes I’m proud of you. You aren’t too sensitive for crying or coming to me. It’s tough to come to someone about something like this. Do you want to talk about it?” She lifts your chin up with her finger, asking you to look at her.

“I thought you hated me…”

“I don’t hate you…” She looks down, “I was just nervous…”

“Nervous?” You ask, confused.

“Yeah… you are new and powerful and pretty…” She immediately regrets saying the last part but you just giggle. She looks up at you in confusion.

“I thought you thought that it was a mistake to add me to the team…”

“No, why would I ever think that?”

“I don’t know…” you look down.

“I love your little teddy bear, by the way” she giggles softly and it’s the most beautiful sound you have ever heard.

Then you realise it. You accidentally brought your bear with you to her room. How much more humiliating could this be? You cover your face with your hands, embarrassed.

“What? It’s cute! I have a bunny. It helps the nightmares.” She reaches back over her bed and grabs a little white bunny plushie and uses it’s little hand to wave at you. Your cheeks flush, hoping the darkness is enough to hide the blush, as you slowly raise your plushie and wave it’s hand back.

She smiles and craws back to her spot in her bed then looks over at you with a soft smile.

“You coming or not?”

“You want me to stay?”

“Yes, Y/N/N, come here!”

You move over so you are laying next to her as she covers you with the blanket and you both face each other with a bit of distance between you.

“You are really pretty too…” you break the silence.

Natasha tries to hide her blushing face with the little bunny. You put your bear in the same position and grab it’s hands and move them as if tracing an imaginary heart. She does the same with her bunny. Seeing her this flustered, you get a sudden confidence and move closer to her. So close that your noses are almost touching. You boop her nose and giggle.

“Never thought the stone cold Black Widow was this cute in the middle of the night.”

She moved a bit closer to you. You could feel her warm breath on your lips, as she spoke, “Never thought the Illusionist would be this confident in the middle of the night, either.”

“Maybe she is.” You close the gap between you, feeling her soft, warm, full lips move simultaneously with yours. When you both run out of breath, you pull away, breathing heavily. You quickly realise what you just did and hide your face in the crook of her neck, hearing her beautiful giggle again, as she pulls you closer, as close as the plushies between you two would allow.

“Good night, you little teddy bear.”

“Good night bunny.” you say, looking up at her and pecking her lips quickly before you go back to her neck. She wraps her arms around you, and you both fall asleep happier than you would have ever thought you’d be on a random night like this.

(￣o￣) zzZZzzZZ

A/N: hi again! There’s something that makes me so warm and fuzzy inside about Nat having a secret little plush bunny. I feel like she would always go back to it after a bad mission or injury. It would be her little way of healing ❤️‍🩹

Pt. II

#natasha romanoff fluff #natasha x reader #natasha x y/n #natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romonova #black widow #natasha romanoff angst #cute natty

[artanddaddyissues]

*cough*Are you sure that’s me stalking and not my doppelgänge?? / jk

Am doing great, besides the fact i am only going to be here until 3rd of April. WHY AM I IN MY ARCANA PHASE AGAIN AT SUCH A LATE TIME HHH.

Also, I might request some angst headcanons. Maybe someone being dead? Idk shha

Okay 1. ITS OKAY I joined late too, welcome to the club sis 💕

And 2. You. Are. Evil. But I will definitely do some angst for you. I secretly hope you CRY when you read this angst.

What the M6 do, when you die

Heads up: gender neutral pronouns for reader, M/C is yellow, very angsty, read at your own risk, mentions of mental health issues (anxiety, depression, etc…)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"not... again..."

absolutely distraught, can no longer sleep, eat, think for himself, walk, breathe... etc.

Half his heart has gone, for good. Many times he contemplates sacrificing himself or other people in exchange for you to come back.

"I can bring them back again, right?"

shop closes for an extended amount of time, the baker starts to worry about him, the others regularly check in on him. He spends most of his days in his gate and the realms in hopes to contact you.

It takes him almost a year to leave the shop and care for himself again.

He curses everything and becomes pretty hostile for a while. Trust issues, anger, depression, everything sky rockets in the worst ways possible, and you aren't there to bring him back to his old self.

Asra needed you all the time. He missed your laugh, your touch, your aura. Living life without your presence made him feel like there was no point to living.

forgets how to function, in the worst way possible.

"Julian, when was the last time you ate?" "I can't remember...”

Walking disaster. He gets drunk more often, there isn’t a moment when he’s sober.

Asra checks in on him at least once a week since he knows how bad Julian can get.

He closes his clinic and tries to stay hidden from the others. He pushes everyone away, in fear of losing someone else.

This isn’t the first time he’s lost someone but, this one hurts the most.

You were the air he breathed. He missed giving you dramatic, romantic speeches and other little things.

He tries to tell Asra to teach him magic, in hopes of contacting you again through the magical realms, “maybe the fools realm.” “The realms are dangerous without-“ “I’ll take any risk to see them again.”

He looks at the collection of love letters, paintings, drawings, photos, anything to keep your face engraved into his mind.

Vesuviua mourns with her. Nadia has been such an incredible leader and so the city mourns when she loses you. I’m a way, the city lost you too, you did a great deal of good for the people of Vesuviua.

“I’ll find you in another lifetime, my dear.”

Like Asra, she knows how the magical realms work. Instead of sleeping each night, she travels to the realms to try and find you. She swears, she's getting close.

Everyone around her is understanding. the entire city saw how incredibly happy you both were together.

She is back to being alone again. Truly alone. Yes she has the others but you... you were there for her every moment of every day. Every breath she took, you were beside her. She had almost forgotten what is was like to be alone, thanks to you.

She dreads waking up and is always in a bad mood after another unsuccessful night of trying to find you.

Has a memorial statue of you in the gardens, facing her private balcony and she cries every time she looks at it.

"I need you back..."

Sobbing for weeks, never leaving his wing, punching holes through his walls, not taking care of himself...

He’s not angry after a few months but sad. He was very angry in the beginning, when he felt like he could have done something, but you can only convince yourself you’re useful so many times.

6 months after your passing, he treks to your home town to hold a proper burial for you.

The people around him in Vesuvia find it hard to see him like this. He could be a threat to anybody but they understand how much you affected him, so they all offer as much support as they can.

You taught him how to be a better person and without you reassuring him each day, he can only hold onto your words and do things he thought was right

he tried his hardest to stay strong in public but it was hard. He wanted to look strong always but the first few weeks were rough.

"Me and Pepi miss you... so much."

She buries you around her cottage, in a secluded corner. She watches every day, the tree you were buried under, grow and prosper. Little white and yellow flowers bloom in the spring and last the whole year.

Nadia gives her as much time off as she needs.

Now, Pfeels completely useless without you though.

The little things hurt the most. Waking up to you changing Pepi's litter, cooking only for one person again, not having any help in the garden, seeing all your clothes in the closet...

"It's okay Pepi..."

Julian visits almost every night for the first few months. He always comes ready to tend to Portia and make her feel as well as she can feel.

"This isn't happening"

he spirals into a long, very angry stage of denial. He can't accept the fact that you're gone when it feels like he just got you.

He makes a vow to himself, to never get attached to another person again in fear of losing them.

he blames himself all the time. "Muriel stop..." "I could have done something.

He can never go back to the person he used to be, because you changed him for the better but now you aren't around to see him anymore. And that kills him inside

Asra is over almost every night.

Inanna has had to pull Muriel out of bed for weeks on end.

He knows you would want him to continue living but its too hard without you there.

He and Asra venture through the realms to try and find you. Muriel is determined.

#the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana asra #the arcana nadia #the arcana julian #the arcana portia #the arcana lucio #the arcana muriel #portia devorak #julian devorak #arcana julian #lucio montag #muriel #asra alnazar #doctor devorak #the arcana angst #nadia satrinava #asra #portia #lucio morgasson #count lucio

[burinazar]

[some brief suicide ideation mentions in this post] for those kind of newer to the ebilxperience, my mental health has been way waaaay better since like late 2021 to now than it has for most of my life up to that point (people who followed me before then might remember some...intense sadposting). I just haven't really felt...too super bad very often. I feel bad sometimes but not so bad I wanted to die, which used to be a regular problem. The episodes of intense suicide ideation in response to feelings of wasted potential or the inevitability of feeling isolation from other human beings just sort of stopped happening. I would chalk all of this up to unknowable brain chemistry, by the way, and not any external causes I've been able to identify.

At the time that this changed, what also became clear was the inability to get shit done that we had all just thought was depression did not go away when my depression magically cleared itself out of the way. I still kind of really sucked at getting shit done. This is what ultimately enabled the late-ass-and-i'm-still-not-entirely-convinced-im-not-somehow-faking-it ADHD diagnosis from my psych who was like Oh. Actually That Tracks. The things I'm not good at making myself do largely extend to anything that both involve a risk of rejection/hurt feelings, anything that requires some believe I personally 'deserve it' (job apps, asking for references), and things that don't have built-in accountability/deadlines (funny stupid example: i'll do a job app for sure if someone I know referred me to the position and is going to be aware/disappointed if I don't submit it, because that too is a form of fearing rejection! so oops, i hacked my rejection anxiety into making myself take a risk).

As you can imagine a lot of career related and interpersonal activities, as well as various day to day life tasks, fall into a combo of these things. I haven't really been able to fix that and by objective life milestone measures continue to underachieve in both career stuff and interpersonal relationships. But...it hasn't gotten me down for the past couple years, and the biggest reason is I've been able to get a lot of joy out of my art and writing during this time period.

And this....allows me to...kind of avoid having to look at how unfulfilling those areas are. But I really need to...face it.

Because I've become more and more aware that there are people, ones around my general age range, ones who may face similar Brain Issues or corresponding obstacles, that do go and find self fulfillment in more than one of these fronts. I actually got super sad about this last night for the first time in ages cuz I heard from someone who has a lot of interests in common with me but was finding fulfillment on multiple fronts, creative *and* interpersonal *and* career.

And maybe it's greedy of me to want it, but god, the life where I get to do all my silly creative bullshit/wrting/art/pet ownership but *miraculously, also, somehow* have a job and career that I don't feel conflicted and unhappy and 'i never really tried to make my dreams manifest' about, and am able to make new friendships and like date and stuff, I...do think I want that for myself and have been denying both that desire and the fact I might have the potential to achieve it.

idk this is kind of nothing but tl;dr i'm gonna start trying again and just wanted to ramble about it on tungus for a sec

#i should be able to make at least some of this shit happen ???? idk. i'll try #please feel free to encourage or politely bully on this front

[redspringthorn]

It's fucking crazy how the first therapist that diagnosed me with ocd kind of just fucking ignored it, and kept treating me for anxiety anyway?

I didn't really think into it that deeply until having to do more ocd therapy on my own within the past two years once it got REALLY bad... and like regular therapy for anxiety just doesn't really work for ocd. And it makes so much sense why I've found absolutely no relief for anxiety from the classic therapies because I have a completely different problem going on. I even had that problem acknowledged by doctors but then they never DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT???

Like she was literally like, oh I think you have OCD, I have it too! Then explained her symptoms. And then... never proceeded to help me or like, even discuss it ever again. And constantly just talk about how I needed to manage my anxiety, and my depression. So now here I am literally 10 years later with the worst symptoms of my life having to help my damn self by reading mass articles online because it seems like every therapist I encounter is totally willing to acknowledge that I have ocd but just leaves it at that? And then it's back to well, we really need to get your anxiety under control.

Idk. Therapy can be incredibly helpful but also makes me feel fucking stupid and crazy. Often.

Not to even mention how much my issues center around feeling mass amounts of grief for the state of the world and fear of its destruction and how the answer from all my therapists is that I must simply learn to ignore it... or tell myself it's not affecting me. Like I can ignore the fact I don't even hear bugs at night near my home! Like I could ignore the fact that I can go to a HUGE nature preserve in my city in the middle of summer, and not see a single bee or butterfly! Like I should ignore the people begging for food all around and the desperation and stress I feel in all the people around me! Best to just forget about it, so I may go to work tomorrow and keep this horrible machine running!

#personal #antipsych #antipsychiatry #kind of #OCD #also since my brain has been so so bad lately I'm trying to make more posts and keep mor of a diary so I can actually #remember what I feel #so followers if you don't wanna see my rants feel free to block the tag personal it's what I'll be tagging all of this with

[fallingsunflower]

Thanks love ♡ :) Would you mind just clarifying the question? Are you asking my thoughts on Harry and how his team molds him? Or something different? Just want to make sure I answer correctly! /// Yeah! asking about what do you think his team's weaknesses are and what do you think would be better thing for you to see come out of Harry and the way he is looked at by the media? I just want your thoughts on Harry and his team and maybe other people could answer too? Thank you again!

no problem, happy to answer :)

I suspect Jeff’s had his eye on Harry for a loooong time since the 1D days, which seems plausible because they’ve been friends for a while. I suspect Jeff whispered in his ear how great a solo career would be, hence a slight shift I picked up on during 1D. I blame Harry entirely for why 1D split up (I’m not angry about it - just my opinion). I think at the time he was young and impressionable and placed all his trust in other people beside himself, which is something I think he struggles with till this day. He reminds me as someone who knows what he wants and is confident up until a point before feeling the need to ask for permission (generally speaking). I think he deals with some attachment issues, plus a sprinkle of anxiety and depression. I worry it might worsen if he doesn’t slow down because he doesn’t seem to have many friends, or rather close friends, that he doesn’t work with and the people he DOES work with seem somewhat fame hungry. I think they care about Harry but not in the way he needs, but of course I could be wrong. Like for example Jeff strikes me at the type to run over right away if Harry falls down to make sure he’s okay, but then say “don’t you want to get back up?” which passive aggressively inserts his own opinion into Harry’s and kind of twists him into believing Jeff’s wants are his own. Does that make sense? It’s just a vibe I get based off of a couple interactions I’ve seen. I think Harry’s team is pushy and manipulative but they don’t realize it fully, and Harry is easily moldeable and also doesn’t entirely realize he might be taken advantage of (although I could also suspect he realizes something is wrong but doesn’t know exactly what). All he’s known is Simon Cowell and Jeffrey Azoff. Jeff prob seemed like God above coming to save him from 1D and now he can’t leave him - aka the attachment issues I mentioned earlier (again my opinion) and Jeff knows it. And I think the other members of Harry’s team are piggybacking and riding the fame train. Harry Styles has become a brand but personally, I’d rather know Harry the person.

In my dream world, and this is going to be controversial, I would love to see Harry open up a little more. Maybe make his Instagram more personal. Post for his mom’s birthday. Talk about how grateful he is for his fans. Share what he’s doing every once in a while. Share some of his feelings about love and places he likes, maybe his favorite recipe or book. I’d also want to see him openly support other artists/people just because and not when it’s convenient for him. I also think he should better communicate with his fans. I think the relationship between him and his fans has turned into a relationship between God and her followers, which it shouldn’t be. It seems unhealthy and I fully believe if he set boundaries and talked about it, we would see a major shift in a positive way. I would also like to see him promote his OWN things, such as Pleasing, Gucci HaHaHa, his own songs or movies. It all comes across as such an impersonal money thing sometimes and it’s such a turn off for me personally.

I think that ^^ it partially Harry’s decision from not wanting to be on social media that often which is fair, but I also think his team is egging it on. Keeps him “mysterious” and a blank canvas so his fans can idolize him and he can appeal to a larger percentage of people. Pick a category and you can almost always put him in that box if you look at it from that perspective.

Idk if this fully answers the question. Harry’s teams weaknesses, imo, are sprinkled into my response. I just think they want to be big and famous and everything else isn’t as important.

Happy to talk more about it :)

Also just to stress again, this is just my opinion. I can already sense the angry asks lmao

[1d-trashcan]

hello!!

i was just going through your blog and you have mentioned a anxiety disorder a few times, i do not really know anything about it so if you want to please educate me on this concept, if you dont wanna its all good. just know i am here if u wanna talk any time :)))))))))

HI!! I absolutely wanna educate you, thanks for asking :) This is suuuper long though, I'm so sorry :´(

There's a few anxiety disorders out there but the most common ones are social anxiety disorder or panic disorder, and then there's GAD which is short for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have GAD.

Stress and anxiety is an evolutional response to danger more commonly known as fight or flight, which is the sympathetic nervous system being activated. GAD is the body being stuck in fight or flight mode, whereas social anxiety, for instance, generally means that the sympathetic nervous system kicks in in social environments (like a phone call or meeting a person).

GAD, usually presents as excessive worry about anything and everything. My grandmother will cough and my brain will think "she has lung cancer and she's dying". When I didn't know I was ill I was basically living in a nightmare. I've had a lot of therapy so nowadays I can identify it as an anxiety thought and ignore it. Some days I can't shake them, and those days are just bad anxiety days. And I can either power through it or I can take anxiety medication, but I can't work on those because they make me really drowsy.

You can develop GAD at any age, really. All it takes is being under extreme stress for a period of time, I think the criteria is like 6 months or something. There are differential diagnoses like chronic fatigue syndrome, ADHD/ADD, bipolar disorder and clinical depression that have to be excluded that early on, though. It's fairly easy to treat if caught early. It's hell, but they'll most likely have you on antidepressants and or something that helps you sleep and give you therapy. Therapy will help you deal with your triggers through cognitive behavioural therapy, exposure therapy (where you're literally exposed to your trigger/fear in a controlled environment) and that will in theory treat the disorder. You're never gonna remove anxiety because it's a survival instinct, but you're basically telling your brain that it's overreacting, and if you get help early you can actually be cured.

I have GAD because I was bullied between ages 10-16, and there's also a probability that my parents' divorce started the whole thing. The problem was that I didn't get proper help until I was 19 and I didn't even meet with a psychiatrist until I was 25 (I'm 29 now). I'm never gonna be cured, we're basically just looking for ways to help me live WITH my anxiety. I just have too many triggers and my body is too used to being in this state that there's currently no way of fixing it.

GAD sometimes comes with executive dysfunction which is where you just physically can't do things. It's a very common ADHD symtom as well. You know you need to do it but you can't, and it essentially becomes a handicap. My most common triggers for executive dysfunction is school work of any kind, opening my mail or important phone calls. In Sweden this is actually recognized as a handicap, which means that I can get help faster. But I have to make the call, which I can't do because of my anxiety so idk how foolproof that safeguard is. I'm on sick leave right now because of extreme stress (it could be chronic fatigue syndrom, but it's too early to tell rn) and now my executive dysfunction is everywhere, so like showering, cleaning my flat or making food is extremely tough and usually doesn't happen, so I have to take shortcuts (like eating at my parents' house, not washing my entire body and only cleaning small parts of my flat a a time).

Apart from being afraid anxiety triggers a lot of physical responses in your body because it is designed to keep us alive. If you have social anxiety you might have issues with your stomach (like stress pooping or nausea) when you have to engage with others or even, like, ride a train. GAD patiens almost always have chronic IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and muscle pains because our bodies are constantly preparing for flight. I have really bad chronic muscle pain in my neck and upper back which leads to tension headaches. So on any given day, I'd rate my pain at a 5, and that's just. A thing I have to live with.

Physical activity generally alleviates the pain and the endorphins from workout are really beneficial but you can't exercise GAD away. It's just something that helps.

I'm on a high dose of antidepressants, antihistamines to make me sleep and quetiapine/seroquel, which is a mood stabiliser that basically reduces my executive dysfunction, and my medication is always gonna change depending on what my life looks like. Realistically I'm always gonna be on some form of antidepressant. I'm on SNRI's, which control the serotonin and noradrenaline in my brain.

Naturally, my serotonin is really low and my noradrenaline is really high, but in a healthy person the serotonin is high and the noradrenaline is low. The body typically restores the serotonin/noradrenaline levels during sleep, but my brain does the exact opposite so I just have extreme anxiety during the night, which is why I'm on medication to sleep bc otherwise I a) don't sleep and b) have terrible nightmares. I still have those nightmares, but the antihistamine I'm on is a muscle relaxant as well as an anxiety medication so it helps calm me down so I don't really remember my nightmares and it reduces my muscle pain by quite a bit. I still have bad nights that lead to bad days when I'm in a lot of pain. I sleep in a fetal position and tense up at night and I have a weighted blanket to help me relax so during those bad days I have trouble walking becausec my hip muscles are locked.

I think i basically covered everything. There's a lot more to it if you have any questions. I'm super open about this, and have been since I started therapy when I was 19 because I literally did not know I was sick until I was 17 and it took another two years to understand just how bad it was so I like to be as vocal as possible so people might find out and get help.

I'm SO SORRY for this long ass post though.

#GAD #generalized anxiety disorder #mental health #reddaysareforharry28 #ask

[mikk1n]

Curious in how you HC the characters personalities to be- like for example in my HC's for the general MW campaign

I view price as an aggressive father like figure who gets shit done but cries to himself over casualties before just completely going numb to every emotion for the next few months.

I view makarov as a sadistic and malicious person with paranoia and anxiety [maybe a bit of a personality disorder as well] who sees himself differently everyday and disconnects from reality alot.

I view soap as a complicated ball of PTSD [hope my wording doesnt offend anyone i genuinely couldnt think of another way to describe it] and he doesn't know whether to continue the service or quit and constant battles his own mind on what he wants for himself.

Etc etc.

Oooh this is a topic that I love to get into, I just struggle with articulating myself exactly the way I want. CW for mentions of suicide later in the post but I don't get too into it.

Price is like...to me Price is complicated. He does have almost that fatherly role, and tbh I feel like he has control issues. And anger issues too but that really rears its ugly head after he escapes the gulag and spirals. Honestly I feel like he and Makarov are two sides of the same coin, only Price doesn't have the same kind of ambition as Makarov does; Price doesn't want power, he wants to get the job done, whatever that may be, no matter the cost. And unlike Makarov, he cares when he loses people, especially people close to him, and the grief and anger fuel his downward spiral. I feel like he's chaotic on the inside idk idk

putting the rest of this under a cut bc it gets long

When it comes to Makarov I feel like. Hm. He's interesting to me because I feel like he could've been a good person, if he wanted to be; a lot of his issues and quirks and everything about the way his brain works, from his nullified fear response to his disconnect with other people to his low empathy, etc. etc., don't inherently make him a bad person. He's completely capable of making different life choices and putting his energy into something good and worthwhile for once. He just chooses to be a violent asshole because at the end of the day, he's deeply selfish, and he uses absolutely EVERYTHING to his advantage to achieve his goals.

I feel like he's not sadistic in the sense that he's motivated primarily by the want or need to hurt people for the sake of relishing in their suffering, but he is sadistic in the sense that he's power hungry and people suffering because of him inflates his ego and fuels his craving for power. And he LOVES making people suffer if it's someone he has a grudge against, or perceives as having slighted him.

And also despite (or maybe even because of) his nullified fear response, at least in part, his life is Ruled by fear to some degree. His meticulousness looks like anxiety to outside observers and I feel like Makarov is definitely prone to paranoia. Partially because of the nature of what he does and partially because Makarov twists himself into a pretzel worrying if his atypical experiences with fear will blind him to danger and lead to his downfall. He lives a "me vs the world" life in pretty much every sense lmao.

And then Soap...yeah he's a complicated ball of PTSD to me too, not just from his military service but from his childhood (father died by suicide, mom and stepdad and their side of the family was abusive, all tangled up in racial and religious and queer trauma that his family ALSO had a hand in, etc. etc. etc.). He's good at pretending everything is fine but the man is depressed and anxious and hates himself. He is constantly in a state of making up for himself, like everything he does has to exceed expectations because otherwise he's not worthwhile.

Soap strikes me as someone who's deeply sentimental, likely a hopeless romantic, who feels down to his core and...has never really had room to express that. A majority of himself is locked away somewhere, mainly out of self-preservation, and sometimes he has no idea who he is or what he should've done in life. He's full of regrets and what-ifs and just. He's depressed as fuck basically.

#inbox #this is kinda rambly and all over the place so forgive me #call of duty #john soap mactavish #captain john price #vladimir makarov #simonriley1994 #not art

[edrecovery-space]

So, two things…

number one isn’t ED related, but I’m worried the anxiety of it could potentially make me relapse? But so far I’ve been doing good… I have a yummy sandwhich for lunch and I’ve been doing really good about eating healthy this past week or so

for thing two : tw weight loss and sort of vent??

I’ve been waiting for a DID diagnosis for a while now… and the other day my psych reached out to my father and therapist. She said I don’t have DID, but that I have major depressive disorder and PTSD… and that I may have or am severely at risk for having BPD… my therapist disagrees and still thinks I have DID. The main reason I think my psych said I don’t have it is because she asked about alters and I panicked and mentioned this one alter who is a trauma holder and basically her whole role is to hold guilt and trauma… which made the psych think I have BPD and/or just have “personalities” as a “coping mechanism”… because the alter only holds a specific emotion so she took that as my alters are just me but different emotions and aspects of myself, just not in a DID way. Weirdly the way she explained it all sounded almost exactly like DID though… and some sort of other disordered system… and she said that that may not be a final diagnosis and that me thinking I have DID and my symptoms are still valid and should still be taken seriously… so I’m very fucking confused about all that… she’s going to talk to me personally and talk to me more about all that stuff. BRIGHT SIDE- she lectured my dad for an hour on how he needs to use he/him pronouns and our chosen name for us

I fucking lost weight and I am pissed about it… I was finally happy with my body, but then I had a health issue/concern so I had to exercise more and lose weight… so I had to work out a lot and eat healthier but also had to eat 3 meals a day minimum… and that was a bit ago. And now that I’ve stopped exercising and working out I’ve somehow lost fucking weight… I was confused at first, but honestly it could just be that my body is no longer in starvation mode so I’m actually eating properly now… still upset about it… because my old jeans from 2+ years ago are still way too small… but my new jeans are way too big and literally falling off me… you can see the difference in my stomach size… and idk. I’m annoyed. I realize I should probably be happy but it feels like more of a loss than a win… because it reminds me that I still need to lose so much weight and makes me feel gross because I’m still heavy and overweight

im keeping up health eating habits. So yay

hoping I can continue keeping them up…

the other night I did almost start binging BUT I did not… someone in the system stopped me… so yay… I’m proud of myself about that at least

sorry for sad stuff 😅

-🐥

sounds a tad bit like your psych might not fully know about did or is mistaking what they understand for something else, the later of which tends to happen a bit.

very very proud of you for healthy eating /gen

i hope things only keep getting better for you from here on out!

#🐥anon

[zephahhhh]

1, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40 for the asks.

1. What's your favourite holiday?

Halloween aka gay Christmas 🏳️‍🌈✨

36. If you had a garden, pick one thing you'd grow.

Idk, probably something editable like tomato or cucumber. Herbs are great as well.

37. What is your favourite thing about winter?

Not sweating 💀 can't tell you how much I hate that

38. What was the best gift you ever received?

(TW mention of eating disorder and other mental health issues)

My family doesn't have the tradition of giving birthday gifts so I rarely received gifts. But last year before I flew to the UK, my sister gave me a heart shaped rose quartz, which was a gift she received from her friend a few years ago. It was to wish me to make true friends and get better when I got here, the same reason her friend gifted it to her. I was in a really bad place in the first half of 2021, severed depression, anxiety, and PTSD, along with mild eating disorder and psychosis symptoms. She had always been the most (and almost only) supportive person in my family, and always knew what to do when I had a meltdown. The meaning behind this gift is a lot for me.

39. Who was your favourite teacher in school and why?

Being raised by a teacher mother and studied in the school she worked for ten years, my relationship with my teachers had always been complex. Mostly they knew me as my mom's daughter or my siblings' sister (🙄). I only met someone I truly like and respect as a teacher when in highschool. She was my homeroom and math teacher. She knew how I'm different from my classmates and was willing to adapt. For example, we needed to hand in weekly journals (which was hilarious) and I wasn't always able to write them. She knew I am good at writing and can write many times more than my classmates did, and told me to hand them in whenever I like, as long as I have the required amount of them by the end of the semester. So I wrote long arguments and observations in those journals, which was what my peers were not able to do. We're still good friends now and I miss her very much (she insisted we call her by first name after graduating from highschool because she's only about ten years older than us)

40. Do you think soulmates exist?

Being demiromantic I'd say yes, but not exactly like what we read in the fantasy.

I've only ever fallen in love (or feel attractions other than sexually) once, and it was my ex. We had a deep connection that is beyond friendship since we were in highschool, and got together about three days before our graduation. It felt like finding the lost piece of puzzle, and I felt complete with them. We were engaged at one point, got our rings and was ready to get married (without our family knowing 💀) right after we both finished college. We also registered for partnership before same sex marriage is legal in Taiwan. (It doesn't do shit but we wanted it) unfortunately our mental illnesses made us harm each other to the point it couldn't be fixed, we were too young to know better. (We broke up four or five times before our final fallout) I hated them a lot for a while, but now we're back to being friendly and we both apologized for those years. However we both agreed that it is impossible for us to love each other like we once did again.

#guljerry #ask game #tw eating issues #tw trauma

[jesuisgourde]

under a readmore because it’s yet another ramble about Richey and this book that has been stewing in my brain and I just need to get it out but it’s probably not very coherent and also discusses potentially triggering topics

I’ve been trying to put my finger on this as I’ve been reading this book, about why the way they pretty much ignore his mental illness is so weird to me. I mean obviously they’re very unempathetic about it and it sort of feels like they’re saying he did it to himself or whatever, but that’s not what I’m thinking about because I know that’s just absolute bullshit.

I think the treatment of Richey in this book is very different from the way the band treat the subject because something that always comes up in interviews is how the rest of the band were aware of Richey’s struggle but felt helpless and just didn’t really know what to do or how to help him, and often they talk about how they felt he was operating on a completely different plane from them. Whereas the book, aside from the mention of his first attempted suicide and subsequent hospitalisation, doesn’t really seem to consider his mental health problems that relevant? But at the same time they specifically presented anecdotes that made him seem Really Crazy. And then they turn round and ignore it.

Which is like. Just so weird. Especially because if you list off the various anecdotes and events from late 93 onward, include the new stuff given by this book, it certainly adds up quite clearly to some sort of breakdown or mental distress or something.

As I was driving to work today I was thinking about some of the stories or comments that come up about Richey pretty ubiquitously when Nicky gets interviewed. First of all this book gives like a single sentence to the fact that one of the main reasons the late 94 tour was cancelled is because Richey had some sort of episode and was banging his head on the wall saying “I want to go home” which idk should be an indication that things are going badly. It’s just so odd that pretty much everything seems to gloss over that episode in particular. Not to mention not too long before that episode he’d already slashed his chest too and needed a bunch of stitches. So like clearly he was not well.

But also Nicky always talks about how by the end of 94 Richey wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, was smoking a million cigarettes a day and drinking absurd amounts of coffee, and more than anything he mentions how much Richey was consuming in terms of media, reading like 6 books a week and watching loads of films and reading the news all the time and obsessing over tiny details and calling Nicky at weird hours to ask weird questions and stuff. And then this book gives anecdotes about him having anxiety about leaving the house and intrusive thoughts of self harm and things like that. Idk it sounds like dysphoric mania to me, like the mixed state where you have symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. Plus an episode of dysphoric mania means you have a higher risk of suicide.

I think the issue I have with this book re: all of this stuff is that it ignores whatever obvious pain and struggle and turmoil Richey was going through in favour of a conclusion that is more satisfying for the people who are left behind. Maybe it’s to avoid feeling guilty about not helping him? (Because they also do a lot of blaming of the band for not helping him, even though they very much did.) But even then to some extent a) the treatment he was given clearly was not a match for him and b) you can’t really force someone to change or get better or move in a different direction if they don’t want to. It just baffles me that this book and other various sources give us all these events of alcoholism, breakdown, attempted suicide, traumatizing hospitalisation, rehab and then straight back to touring without better coping mechanisms, severe self harm, anorexia, insomnia, withdrawal, severe anxiety, some sort of mania or something, plus grief from the death of a childhood pet and (alleged) breakup, and general tensions/insecurities about the band and such, and the conclusion they come to is some sort of long-planned disappearance. And not some sort of mental breakdown or psychotic break or other psychological crisis due to long term untreated/badly treated mental illness and stress resulting in completing the suicide that had been attempted/rehearsed 6 months prior.

Specifically the head-bashing is what I’m stuck on re: this book’s dismissal of his problems because many people self-harm all the time as a sort of regulatory coping mechanism (if there’s such a phrase, but y’all know what I mean) and while it’s not healthy, ultimately, it’s not necessarily an indication of a severe and immediate issue, whereas bashing your head repeatedly into a wall until your face bleeds is much more severe behaviour.

Also I’m a little surprised no one has made the connection between Richey’s behaviour at the time and some sort of mania or mixed state. The “functioning on a different plane” thing fits here too because like yeah he was very very smart but he was also phoning Nick up with bizarre questions and doing erratic things and the JFPL lyrics are so stuffed with ideas it definitely feels like some sort of on-the-edge-of-a-break type of mania in text.

I think the biggest problem this book has is that the writers cannot seem to comprehend suicidal ideation. They can’t seem to put themselves in the shoes of someone going through severe mental health problems, who has had his unhealthy coping mechanisms taken away from him but was given nothing concrete to replace them, who is feeling bad about his place in the band and the burden on his friends, who is going through grief and stress and depression and anxiety and perhaps a mixed mania, to an even greater degree than when he attempted suicide the first time. Put yourself in those shoes and it’s pretty obvious what conclusion someone going through all that would come to.

Like I said this is just rambling and I don’t think I really have a place to put any of these thoughts in my writeup but it’s just a nail I’m stuck on I guess because this book so intensely wants to pretend Richey’s struggles weren’t that bad or that if they were bad, the band didn’t do enough to help or whatever. My issue is that it doesn’t seem to be able to acknowledge severe mental illness as a real, high percentage of possibility option. A sort of “well my [relation] has all these symptoms but he isn’t like those other crazy people, he’s not that bad” situation of denial or whatever.

This ramble doesn’t have a conclusion or anything it’s just me putting thoughts down but yeah this book is so bizarre and just can’t seem to comprehend the concept severe mental health issues and suicide as a result of those problems.

#squash rambles #uhhh tw for self harm suicide etc all the stuff that general comes with discussion of richey #feel free to respond with thoughts if you have them this was just me spitting this brain train out in one go #wt writeup

[simply-not-an-egg]

A List Of Messages From Ex-Family That Fill Me With Rage - Part Three (BD Edition)

*I went NC with these people in October 2023 after years of suffering. I've wanted to post about them in the past but never did being concerned for them potentially stumbling upon this. I have far too much rage in me to give a shit now.

**Messages are from my biological father (BD for short), and half-sibling on his side (HS for short).

***As some context, I had been trying to rebuild a relationship between us all after moving out to live full-time with Mum at 16 (a true angel on earth). It was amiable after 3 years, and then I was stabbed in the back. This was the downfall.

****I see a therapist on a regular basis, but in saying that I do also suffer (medicated) anxiety and depression, and I am also diagnosed Autistic and suspected ADHD.

*****Obvious TW for psychological/emotional abuse. Anything in bold is a comment from me.

"HS was rather distressed at the content of some of your messages" Ironic considering she started the conversation with the same sorta shit but I BET she didn't tell you what she had to say about you, huh? Guarantee there was no mention of her telling me about how you called her a "rude and ungrateful pric" in the middle of store and pointed at her. Guarantee there was no mention of her telling me about her mother calling her a "fucking idiot" because of her own ADHD. No, those things just so happened to be left out of the conversation huh? Because, of course, *I'm* the bad guy.

"This has also upset her because she genuinely wants a relationship with you" Cool. I wanted one with her too. But she hurt me, as are you know, in a torrential way. So, not my problem - she shouldn't have been a bitch in the first place.

"... the way you were treated here, for the most part, was perfectly okay" The self-harm scars and persistent suicidal ideation, along with the attachment issues and untrust of others say otherwise but okay babe.

"You were raised here in the same environment as __, __, and __ and none of them have any of the same issues" None of them had a disability. And it wasn't the same. There was favouritism whether you want to admit it or not. Ntm, two of the mentioned lived majority at their dad's place so they didn't have to deal with their mother like I did.

"The first six months of your life was a stressful and busy time" Idk why they were so caught up about this in particular, but I agree to this sentiment, yes, they were.

"I could not just take time off" The issue wasn't that you were working. The issue was what you did when you came home. The 1 time Mum left you alone with me to do some grocery shopping, she was home within 20 minutes because you couldn't handle the fact that the helpless, colicy, newborn baby was crying. You prefered playing your playstation instead of taking care of me. You left Mum to do everything for me. You went so far as to sleep on the fucking couch because god forbid you have to listen to your own baby crying in the night because they're hungry or need changing or just need a cuddle.

"I had a photo of you on my work station" Hooray! You did the bare fucking minimum!

"I'd visit you every night after work" You didn't. There were witnesses, and not just my mother who worked tirelessly to keep my helpless newborn baby ass alive. On occasion you visited WITH her, but you never went on your own volition. It was always Mum and my grandmother (who FLEW FROM FUCKING BRISBANE TO CANBERRA) that were caring for me. And sadly, it always has been.

"I had to work full time whilst your mother stayed home" Plenty of father's create wonderful relationships with their children even working full time. As do mothers. This is not an excuse for your behaviour. And again, you loved your alone time and playstation more than me once it came to being home (once again, this is all documented whether in writing, in photos, or filmed).

"No different to when __ was born" It was though. You actually slept in the same room as her. You actually got of your ass and helped with her when needed. You actually willingly spent time with her after work and built a relationship with her. You didn't treat her as nothing more than a trophy to show that your bloodline lives on to some degree.

"You were a pretty happy kid until high school" I wasn't. And oddly enough everyone else around me seemed to see that except for you. Maybe if you'd been more attentive you would've understood that, no, Emma was not, and never was happy around you. Her silence was due to her being afraid, not content.

"I wasn't in a position to push" You were a parent as well. You had every right to push for an earlier diagnosis.

"... I never bought you new clothes. It was becasue you never asked" A child shouldn't have to ask for the bare fucking minimum. But why am I surprised? You refused to pay child support all these years and consistently forced Mum to pay half my fees when you could most definitely afford them on your 6-figure pay compared to her minimum wage job where she would be LUCKY to scrape in $50k a year. Fuck, even the last birthday present you bought me wasn't even all you (it was a diving with sharks experience that cost $250. I scrape in $10k a year, if that, and *I* can afford that. You make $180k+ per year. Make it make sense).

"You still didn't communicate your needs to me much" Ever stop to consider that I did but at some point stopped trying because I realised it wasn't doing jack shit?

"You voluntarily and happly came with us on holidays" Ever stop to consider that I was too scared to say no?

"At times frustrations would boil over ... this is pretty normal for any household dealing with the pressure of every day life" I agree, but what isn't normal is bullying your own children, belittling their existence, and giving them lifelong trauma because your happiness was more important than theirs.

"It's a male trait to want to fix problems" It's an autistic trait too. Yet somehow I always had enough empathy to understand that people just need to be comforted and not every tear-fest has to have an "answer". Sometimes people just cry. Sorry that isn't a good enough reason for your emotionally immature brain to understand.

"Sometimes girls just get emotional and cry" So do boys. It's not exclusively a female thing. But god forbid, again, that someone cries without reason. It isn't very "tough" of them to do such a thing.

"You won't be <perfect> as a parent either" No, I won't be. But at least I'll know how not to traumatise my children which, as a child of abuse yourself, you'd think you would have learnt as well. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree though, so it seems.

"I do think you have created a world in your mind where you believe the way you were treated here was far worse than what it really is" "For me, it was the worst day of my life. For you, it was just another Tuesday."

"Don't misunderstand that as an invalidation of your feelings" Riddle me this - WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THEN??

"I wish you a quick recovery from your current state" This is just fucking funny lol.

"It may explain why you can't see that my intentions were always good, even though they were" Ah yes, blame me being disabled for not being able to see your apparent nobility throughout the years. Even though it's clear as fucking day to everyone else around me that your intentions were definitely not always good, and even if such a thing was the case, just because it's what you intended, doesn't mean that's what happened.

Part 1

Part 2

#tw #child abuse #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #child neglect

[autonoes]

so there is a situation. no one has to read this bc it’s probably gonna be pretty much incoherent and i’m just tryna think things thru. (self harm and suicide mention)

me and two other guys have been friends for like 13yrs or smth. let’s call them friends A and B ok. friend A is like the sweetest man ever but a v passive and anxious guy, v bad at making decisions and just coasts thru life and gets pushed around. he’s had this sorta older gf (early 30s i think) for like 2 yrs. she is basically a surrogate mum for him (drives him around, tells him what to do, gives him a place to live blah blah). it’s a bit creepy but ok. she has been up front since day 1 that she wants babies. loads of babies. friend A has somehow skirted around the issue and put it off for years now. he is NOT ready to be a dad and he says this openly—but not to her. she has an unstable visa and work situation and quite bad anxiety/depression. A’s mum gets on suuper well with girlfriend and wants them to get married and have kids asap

enter friend B. friends A and B have this mutual friend. friend A opened up to this mutual guy and told him that things were kinda fucked up between him and gf. main thing is that she’s self-harming and friend A feels like he needs to protect her. this has made him super isolated cos he can’t stay away from her at all without her calling and texting constantly asking him to come home. mutual friend tells friend B all this out of concern for friend A, and tells him to tell me too. friend B starts messaging me abt how we need to step in and do something (i’m at the other end of the country at this time). he’s even considering telling friend A’s mum so that she will swoop in and save him. at this time i was under the impression that girlfriend was threatening friend A with self harm and suicide. so i was like that’s abusive as fuck. u gotta talk to him. so friend B meets up with friend A. but he brings that mutual friend guy AND some other dude we all know from school who knows nothing about all this??? and he totally fumbles it and doesn’t even mention anything. very annoying but ok. i’ll just do it

anyway so now i’m back in the same part of the country as them all. and i’m gonna talk to friend A. i meet up with friend B and try to get more info out of him and he tells me that yes there IS a self harm element but now he doesn’t know whether it’s being used as a threat or not. so this makes everything waay more complicated and throws it all into veeery sensitive gray area.

anyway i’m meeting up with friend A tomorrow and idk how exactly i’m gonna approach this. bc i’m not even meant to know ANY of this rly. like it’s v sensitive and confidential info that he gave to a totally different guy and which has now passed two hands to get to me. so idk whether it’s best to pretend like i don’t know anything and just coax the same info out of him so we can talk abt it. or whether i should be up front and say i heard some stuff i’m concerned abt and ask him to give me his perspective on it all…. i don’t mind talking to him abt this. i feel like i might be able to come at it on his level bc i have had some experience w this kind of thing in a relationship before (tho when much younger and a lot less messy) and i know how it can fuck ur head up.

it’s all a mess tbh. i’m gonna stop thinking abt it and just talk to him and take it as it comes. i am worried abt him. either he stays w her and leads her on even more abt having kids til she goes completely mad and dumps him. or he does have kids (not good situation). orr he actually takes a stand for once and tells her he does not want children and they split. this is probably the ‘best’ situation but it would be very hard for him and for more reasons that i cannot explain might end up very badly for him….. aaagggggh. v upsetting. i hope he will be ok

omg this is long and incoherent. sorry if u read all this

#and friend B is getting evicted by a death/threat sending landlord in central europe rn and his relationship w his housemate gf seems to #have crumbled and he has to retreat home to ireland back into a house he was living in years ago #i wasn’t lying when i said my friends are going thru it

[dzpenumbra]

6/5/23

I have a doctor's appointment at 1 PM tomorrow, so I kinda have to do this quick. It's just a physical, hopefully nothing comes of it. I honestly don't really know whether it's worth bringing up mental health shit with them, which seems to be the big issue right now.

I was a bit frustrated this morning, waking up. This whole... no one being able to help me thing. Since I was very young, I had my mom taking me to doctors to figure out what's wrong with me. And, somehow... there was never really an answer... hmm... weird, right? See, in my experience of life, this was very normal. I never questioned the idea of being ferried across state lines as a teenager for scans and procedures and shit as being... abnormal. Even though... it didn't happen to anyone else I knew... even my own brothers... It just never really occurred for me to question that, you know?

That's the insidious part about really difficult things - I don't really know how to word that, honestly... I'm struggling with accurate phrasing. I guess trauma? But like... family shit? And just... environmental shit, you know? Like... how I was talking about how people respond to a cat wanting to play by assuming the cat is being "a dick" or "angry" or something, because they were taught that's what it means, and then shutting it out of the bedroom permanently. You get used to that, it becomes normalized, and you just... never question it. When a cat attacks you, that's what's happening. You already have the answer to that, there's no need to question it.

So... like... me going to doctors is hard. Because there's a really long history there. But also, what I was wrestling with this morning... being told "we can't help you" is super hard. Like... point me in the fucking direction of someone who can, do something! I can't even count how many times I was just told "sorry, can't help you, good luck" and sent off to kick fucking rocks. Doctors. Therapists. "Life Coaches". Vocational Rehabilitation. All the same.

So... again, not sure if it's worth even mentioning that I've really been struggling with anxiety and depression... and PTSD... and grief... and, to be blunt... since I've been shying away from the word a lot lately... agoraphobia. There is definitely phobia attached to me not leaving my apartment, that's indisputable. My therapist and I are addressing all of it, but the plan is... insanely slow-moving, and kinda feels like... Okay. The plan is basically, as far as I can tell, to teach me some skills to try to repair my own self-confidence and self-esteem, and to maintain them properly... so that I can... Get out there and start from scratch. Meet friends, make professional connections, live life. How to do that? Where to go? Who to meet? No fucking clue. Just gonna sit here in my apartment and keep making art and chant to myself nice positive things 5 times a day until I finally get a giant spike of confidence, then I'll... be talked out of going to do something to move my life forward because it might overwhelm me.

Bah. Idk. See, all this over the simple thought: "should I bring up my mental health struggles with my doctor?" The only way he can help is meds and honestly? I do not want to be walking back from the pharmacy through a... what I consider a bad neighborhood... with a fucking controlled substance in my pocket. And I really don't think they're gonna let anyone deliver that shit to my door. And honestly, with how hard it was to get off these things, I really don't feel comfortable voluntarily getting back on them. I don't know, I flip-flop on the idea a lot.

I had this issue with meds when I was on them... the idea of missing a dose or not being able to get a prescription refilled - which happened way too often for comfort - ended up creating more anxiety and stress than not having them. By that I mean... the meds helped reduce how much of that everyday stress and anxiety I felt, but what they don't tell you is that just because you don't feel anxiety and stress, doesn't mean you're not experiencing it. Just because you're anesthetized doesn't mean your body isn't registering pain or damage caused from that, and it still takes a toll. So... I still experienced the everyday stress and anxiety, and the added stress and anxiety of med-related problems. "Did I take my meds?" "Did I miss a dose?" "Did I double-dose accidentally?" "Am I going to have to go into withdrawal because this pharmacy refuses to refill this prescription for whatever reason?" Shit like that.

So yeah. I guess I'm just trying to sort out whether it's even worth bringing up. Because I know for a fact that if I talk to the guy about this the way I'm talking right now? My real voice. The entire appointment will be about that, because I go on forever, and I likely won't leave with anything. That's why I usually let them take the lead and just answer whatever questions they have, unless it's like... urgent.

That said... if I can get prescriptions delivered? I'll have that conversation. It just seems unlikely to me that that's a thing.

Okay... here's thing of the day number 2. I got downstairs today and found my tomato plant... collapsed. It broke my heart. It was like... flopped over at a 90 degree angle. I was on the verge of tears, honestly. I have no idea what happened. It was very cold last night, and... I'm guessing windy? And I watered it last night... And then I wake up and the whole thing is collapsed. The main stem was bent, but not broken... So I scoured the apartment for something to use as a stake. I ended up settling on a plastic coat hanger, which I cut the big long straight section out of, and loosely tied the plant to the stake. And... it actually seems to have stood itself back up over the course of the day. I legit don't know if it's going to survive, but... I think it might! But god did that scare the shit out of me. Poor thing. I remember back when I had a legit raised bed garden and tons of tomato plants (my first garden, which I completely got myself in over my head with...) I had a ton of trellises that I used for the tomatoes. This kit that my brother got me, it's a cherry tomato plant, but it's grown in a big glass jar full of soil. They never once mentioned any kind of stake or trellis needed for this. Now... I'm debating getting something for the chili too. Just to be... proactive.

The good news that goes with that? And why I was so devastated... The tomato sprouted its first flower buds, they're still very very tiny but if the plant recovers well... the flowers should start before too long! And the philodendron cuttings are doing really well. Two of them are almost ready to be planted. I'm just debating whether I want to plant them separately or have them share the same pot. I'm guessing separately makes the most sense. My blackberry seeds have not germinated... unfortunately... I don't know if they still need time or not... but hell, it doesn't hurt to just give it time. So I'm thinking of just giving them another week or something and then if they still haven't sprouted, I'll toss some basil starters in there and get that going.

I'm very excited about being a plant-father. I did do the whole outdoor garden thing one summer with my ex (it was basically just me, tbh), but that felt much more... hands-off. I kinda just let them do their thing, and they did great, even got a bunch of watermelons out of the deal! ... Actually, now that I think about it, I think it was 2 summers. There was... lettuce, onions?, green beans, jalapenos, and a bunch of tomatoes the first year... no, it was broccoli, not onions. But the broccoli, idk what happened, I think bugs got to it. The second year I think was more lettuce, strawberries, cucumbers and watermelons. Hard to remember, it was a while ago.

I am much more... attentive to my plants now, I know them much better. And that is a very two-sided feeling. I love the adventure of getting really passionate about something new and diving into it - it's a huge part of my life, something I am constantly trying to do, always try new things, always learn, always grow - but the older I get, the more I feel that whole... beginner's shame thing. The clumsiness. Making avoidable mistakes. I felt so much more... immune to it when I was younger. Now... it's weird, it feels like a social expectation that if you're an adult, you aren't going to make beginner mistakes... at anything. My family is absolutely an extreme example of that, but I really do think it can just be put onto people by society. Like... I remember at the bagel shop I worked at... If a teenager fucked up, it was kinda expected. If someone over 40 fucked up? Like a simple mistake? It always felt like... "hey man, you should know better." And honestly, that's kinda bullshit on both sides. Don't assume that young people are inept. And engage with them if they make mistakes so that they can learn what happened and how to course correct. Don't just go, "ugh, dumb kid, I'll go fix your mistake, get out of my way." And with older people, don't just get mad if someone is new at something. You can't just magically know how to do things, this isn't the fucking Matrix.

Anyway, just mentioning that because I kinda felt that when the plant fell today. I just... I know it was just a fluke thing, but I kinda blamed myself. Like I should've known better. And I have been a bit reserved about propagating the succulents in fear that I might... "fuck up"... due to inexperience. But, thankfully, that feeling was actually motivating for me. I need to fuck up. I need to fuck up and see that it really is not the end of the world, and learn from that, and move forward. It's so goddamn important to do that. Not to be blind about it, or arrogant about it... like... don't go too far in that impulsive direction... but I need to push forward out of my whole "play it super safe" shit. It is the anti-anxiety. It's me being super scared and saying fuck it and dropping in on a quarterpipe when I haven't done that in over 14 years. I need that. Mini leaps of faith. They are so good for confidence. I just need to be okay with the fact that sometimes, I'm gonna fall, and that's okay. That's why we learn how to fall safely.

It's getting late, tarot time.

Past - XII: The Hanged One, inverted (Opportunity for new perspective, evolution through stillness and stagnation, evolution through sacrifice or loss. The interconnectedness of perspective and sacrifice, and the need to act on them for substantial change. Let go.) Present - XXI: The World, inverted (Dreams and passions being rewarded.  Newfound success.  Reaping what you have sown.) Future - VIII: Strength, inverted (Overcoming fear, mastery of emotions through equilibrium and inner strength.)

Another three inverted cards... XD Yay!!! This time, all Major Arcana cards. Let's dive in, this one doesn't seem... too complicated, at first glance.

The start of the thread is... a blockage or disorder/dysfunction in... finding a new perspective? Maybe being stuck in loss, or stillness? I was going to look for more guidance from other sources on this, but I'm just going to try to work it out myself. The concept of the Hanged One is... as far as I recall... at least in part a reference to a story about Odin, hanging himself upside-down from a great tree in order to... gain great insight and wisdom. It's a literal sacrifice made to elicit a metaphoric transformation, and a shift of perspective. A new way of seeing the world. One of great sacrifice, but the gift is worth the price, kinda thing. So... if that's not working... maybe I'm missing the message? Or haven't fully transformed yet?

That connects to The World, inverted. Which is... the big reward. The culmination of hopes and dreams, goals and aspirations. And... it's also stuck, or blocked, or... something's wrong with it, something's preventing it. Likely that transformation that hasn't finished.

That is connected to... Strength, inverted. Which is the embodiment of a symbiotic alliance between emotions and intellect. Harmony with your fear, an inner strength. Which... is blocked, or gone on the fritz, as well.

So, tl;dr... I'm missing something in my new perspective? A blind spot? Or I haven't finished transforming yet? And that is why my ambition is not paying off. Which, in turn, is causing fear to rule my life and my emotions to run rampant. So... what am I missing? What more do I need in order to transform? ... I drifted off in my head there for a bit realizing the silliness of grilling myself to find what blind spot I have. XD As though pressing harder will make me just magically see it!

Alright, I really need to get to bed. Fingers crossed I can get to sleep in a timely manner and this appointment goes well.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness