#idk im just. really grateful for the experience i had. and this isnt a kids today bad speech or anything (i am a kid today) but it IS true

[r0mantic-h0micide]

i wish i had the skills to sort my feelings out better. im feeling very confused because i don't understand whats going on with me.

i thought that, for the most part, i was over jake and moving on. but this last week or so, i keep thinking about him.

for a long time, i always figured therapy couldnt really help me. but now, im thinking maybe it can. maybe an outside person will be able to help me understand all these feelings ive been having lately.

i feel like im pretty good at telling the difference between bpd thoughts and valid/rational thoughts. but now im just so unsure of everything. i know im trying my best and i know thats all i can do.

idk. i dont know what the point in saying all this is. i wish i had someone to talk to about this stuff that isnt just going to say "it be like that sometimes" and then steer the conversation in a new direction. sometimes its okay to say "it is what it is" and move on, but i want to talk to someone that wants to listen.

its times like these when i really really wish i had a mother. one that cared. one that listened. one that didnt stress me out every time she opened her god damn mouth. i need guidance in the worst way and i have no one to turn to.

im grateful for a lot of people in my life. i know that other people have had it way worse than me. and im trying really hard to keep a positive attitude about work and actually becoming and adult- even if i feel embarrassed about my late start. but sometimes i just wish things were entirely different.

im so frustrated and disappointed in myself. and i just want someone to tell me that its okay to feel this way and that i'll figure it out. i dont mind being alone, its just that sometimes being alone is really really hard. thats probably the most frustrating thing in the world- its probably why im do disappointed in myself.

i want to forgive myself for being stupid and naive and young. but im having such a hard time doing it because since when am i stupid and naive? i knew every choice i made was the wrong one and i did it anyway. i did it to myself and i deserve every shitty thing thats going on. im so angry at myself for sitting and doing nothing while i made bad decisions.

i was trying so hard to be an adult that i forgot im still a kid. i hate that ive put myself in this position. because i knew what i was doing. im so self aware and yet still so god damn dumb.

i wont blame myself for nathan. maybe a little for staying as long as i did. but i was barely a teenager. but i knew what i was walking into with zachariah and i didnt care. i knew i shouldnt have been talking to him, but i did it anyway. i knew jake didnt care for me the way i cared for him. i knew he was done before things even started. and still, i told him i wanted to get married. i knew getting married was a bad idea but i wanted it and i got it and look at where i am now. to a fault, i am persistent. to a fault, i chase after what i want until i get it, no matter who or what gets hurt in the process.

being around me has probably got to be one of the most draining things a person can experience. i just dont know how to change.

this post is about a million different things but im glad that i got my feelings out. even if theyre incoherent.

i know that nothing in life is certain, but i hope that one day im able to see things more clearly.

[developmentbuild]

back at crispy creme's *does a backflip*

this tier follows a rating of perfect-amazing-good-didn't really care-get them away from my face. major stone ocean spoilers under the cut, having said all that, lets proceed

this is possibly one of the few parts where i've actually enjoyed the main villain as much as the main group. jolyne is an outstanding jojo - while she shares the same ambition as her father (might be the joestar/kujo genes), she is very much herself. she shows extreme strength and resilience but in the same breath she cares for her friends/the stocean gang (see: jolyne telling emporio they can keep in touch with the phone she stole from rykiel). this caring, big sister esque personality seems to also carry over to irene. as someone who relates to jolyne a lot, i can definitely feel she has a lot of love in her heart despite not growing up with a fatherly figure. she is tough - shaped like that because of her circumstances.

i loved hermes a lot, her personality is super fun and her stand is insanely destructive. i liked how she came for revenge once she had properly figured out how kiss worked - which didn't take long to figure out. foo fighters' death was very upsetting to me, i personally loved them a lot. they showed amazing character development and it was very sad to see them die because they just... had something to live for. whether that be jolyne (which, to me, seems as a beacon of hope in stone ocean) or just valuing life. a life outside of protecting whitesnake's disks, a life that foof could call theirs. them & weather dying but pushing jolyne closer to pucci was really saddening, but their sacrifices definitely weren't for nothing.

emporio, my poor boy, deserves some slack. i find it very karmic justice that emporio and weather (via the weather report stand disk) defeated pucci. emporio deserves the best, i hate how kids (see: lucy, hayato and to some extent, the VA gang that is <18) go through such difficult situations which end up traumatizing them. emporio definitely carries a heavy burden on his shoulders and he's barely 11, which is very young for a boy. weather was very badass and his fight with pucci at a certain point felt like jotaro v dio (which is referenced with the knives pointed at jolyne) when the crystalized shards of blood were pointing at him. loved him a lot especially in the bohemian rhapsody arc, where he found out how to defeat ungalo.

and now... sigh. here on hitmanboyfriend dot tumblr dot com we LOVE narciso anasui. anasui is very unapologetically himself, with his little attitude, foul mouth and his extreme fondness for jolyne (which she doesn't reciprocate. she barely bats an eyelash. if there's anybody yall should hate, there's gwess. yall just hate to see a boytoy winning). anasui is also someone who went through INSANE character development - from not really caring about anybody else that isn't jolyne, to the point where he had diver down phased inside of everyone. hadn't he cared, he would've only had diver down phased inside of jotaro and jolyne at the MiH fight and even possibly wouldn't offer to take the damage redirected to him via dd. anasui is one of my stone ocean favorites and i love him a lot, despite all his flaws (which flaws? he's perfect).

and onwards to pucci - pucci is a good villain in the sense that what he wanted to do was for the better of humanity (same as FV who just wanted to make america the most prosperous land). in a sense, if you think about it, knowing what everyone's destiny might make you happy. but also, wouldn't it make you incomplete? life is here to be lived on after all, and the paths we tread aren't paths we need to know completely. it completely stumps the human experience. but either way, back to pucci. his determination and strength are no joke, and in my opinion made in heaven as an arc and as a stand are the most terrifying. there's nothing more terrifying than knowing time is slipping away from you since it's accelerating faster and faster. i can't wait for the anime to see how they'll do made in heaven (stand and arc). definitely gives you the chills

having been done with the gang - imo stone ocean didn't have many memorable minor antags like sbr, sdc and vento aureo. the only memorable ones i can point out were gwess (who despite my previous judgement, i love unapologetically). stand isnt that impressive considering formaggio exists (and can shrink himself, which gwess cant do), but her design and overall character are my favorite. unhinged women are my favorite. miraschon is also a favorite because of her design and her stand, debt collector. i thought her arc was very fun, although im not sure how dp will handle this (or even stocean as a whole) since stocean is a bit heavier with gore. from dio's kids, my favorite (Excluding giorno) is donatello - he definitely shares far more similarities to his father dio than the rest, reminds me of diego in the sense he just wanted to achieve personal happiness now that he'd been granted his stand and was ready to disregard pucci and his ulterior motives just for his own personal ones. the other dio boys weren't that bad (love rykiel as a character, sky high is an epic stand and i love his design - ungalo gave us wolf anasui so i think we should be grateful as anasui fans), but i just found donatello personally more intriguing.

fuck sports maxx. idk what else to write here. overall stone ocean has a very likeable main cast (depending on who you are, i guess).

#personal #ready to get flamed but here are my humble opinions:)

[bts-svt-mx]

OK SO.. This is an explanation of my Rose Bowl BTS concert floor seat experience that has taken me a week and a half to get over

So disclaimer: If you don’t want to read this then please ignore this post and go back to your normal blogging and I’ll put this post under read more to not torture you all with my pent up feelings lol

Alright kids SADDLE UP!

I know I didn’t really talk about my BTS Concert experiences at the Rose Bowl after it happened, so now that I’ve fully recovered let me just scream about a few things. 

SO FIRST, Day 1 I was really far away (like back of the stadium) but Day 2.. bitch i was so cLOSE. I was like two rows away from the back right corner of the extended stage. 

Since not much happened Day 1 imma talk about the Day 2. RIght, so before the concert, it didnt really hit me that bts are like actual humans that would be right in front of me but as soon as they finished Not Today and moved onto Outro: Wings and started moving around the stage and interacting with us, I just flipped my shit. No joke. Like Taehyung made eye contact with me for .2 seconds and it IGNITED A FIRE IN ME.

So let me make a list of 

who was in our corner from most to least:

1. Hobi

2. Jimin

3. Namjoon

4. Jungkook

5. and then Taehyung/Jin/Yoongi were all pretty equal (sadly my ultimate Taehyung wasn’t near us too much, he kinda stuck to the middle of the sides of the stage and not the corners of the stage if that makes sense) BUT with Taehyung, I had two moments with him that made me cry uGH

Let’s break it down by most interactions now:

1. NAMJOONNNNNNNNNNNN- 

So you know how people are like ‘oh he looked at me’ but it could have been like 10 other people right? BUT NO!! THIS ONEEEEE! THIS ONE!!! So like he was over by us A LOT and I was standing in like this kind of open space directly in front of the corner of the stage so like: 

but like no one was directly in front of me but there were people that moved around a lot, but basically there was like this weird opening in front of me. So Namjoon comes over to us a lot and like he’s making a lot of eye contact with me and smiling and smirking and i’m like am I going crazy?? Like im not y/n this isnt real right? and then near the end of the concert, he’s looking in my direction again and my friend right next to me makes the love sign with her fingers (like the boy with luv ending jungkook pose) and NAMJOON LOOKS AT ME THEN AT HER AND THEN DOES THE HAND SIGN BACK TO HER TOOOOOOO and SMILES AT US. ugh girl i died. namjoon is for sure #3 on my bias list now. 

2. Jimin 

So this boy was over by us SO SO much and he would just stand there and stare at us and smile. Like I just got to analyze his face and take in his beauty. and like we made like true eye contact once or twice but I mostly just got to bask in his beauty and study his face so well. it was like looking at an angel. 

3. Taehyung

Even though he didnt come by our section that much (still so sad about that tbh) the times HE DID THOUGH? UGh i’ve never seen such a beautiful man before. it was crazy. it hurt to look at him. ANYWAY so like i think during outro: wings he had this intense stare and he was analyzing the crowd and we made eye contact for a second and it felt like the heavens had opened up and everything was right in the world. i had a panic attack after it. and THEN at the end of the concert, as they were ending Mikrokosmos and they were all saying goodbye and not singing anymore, and the music kinda lowered and no one was really shouting just all being like ‘aww bye’ you know? and taehyung was just about to go back up the catwalk to the main stage and i dont know what comes over me but i yell “TAEHYUNG!!” at the top of my lungs and by the grace of God, the boy WHIPS his head in my direction and smiles and wow idk how he heard me but he did and that’s enough for me. like that’s all i needed.

4. Jungkook

Kookie didn’t really come to us thattttt much, like it was decent but when HE FLEW! it was the closest jungkook was ever going to be to being on top of me and wow.. he didnt fly directly on top of us which turned out to be better because he was in front of us in the air and facing our direction and looking down at us and he made quick eye contact with me and i felt like he was my best friend in that moment. like honestly, watching him the whole concert felt like i was watching my goofball of a best friend act super weird but super hot at the same time up on stage at like a talent show or some shit lmaooooo. It was pretty much exactly what I expected from my bias wrecker and i loved it.

5. J-Hope

Hobi gets an honorable mention because he was over on our side the most out of everyone but we didn’t really have many moments of interaction. like very fleeting glances in my direction but no real like REAL eye contact sadly..

6. Jin 

Ugh my boy Jin.. He’s one of the members that I really love and respect in a different way than the others and I was sad I didn’t get to interact with him besides just staring at his gorgeous face. I wish he came over to us more but he was great nonetheless.

7. Yoongi

My little Yoongles was so cute but he really didn’t come by us that much but when he did he would kind of just glance at us and smile and not make much eye contact but that’s ok he was still prettier and more amazing than i’ll ever be lmao. Still love the kid though.

IN CONCLUSION:

It was such an amazing night, and being there during Namjoon’s speech the second day was like no other feeling I have ever felt. Despite being not right next to them at that point, i could FEEL the love they had for us and the emotions and happiness and pure bliss that they were all feeling, like it was just flowing through the air. It felt like a real and true connection with them and that we were just all sitting in a room talking about how much we loved each other. And then when Jimin started crying and Jungkook was hugging him, like wow that was powerful.. 

Unfortunately, I had such major post concert depression after the concert, worse than I’ve ever had before. Like i felt like i had no purpose anymore in life and i was so stressed with them being in LA for the week after because I was less than an hour from them and I had constant anxiety over it. so it took me a while to get over that and now i finally feel like i can appreciate all that happened and go on with my life with positivity and gratefulness that i was able to be so close to them. So thank you BTS for such a wonderful two nights.

That’s it!! If you read all of this, I’m very impressed and respect you a lot. This was really just for me to look back on an reminisce about my experience being so close to my favorite band so I hope you enjoyed reading this :) 

#bts #speak yourself #speak yourself tour #my concert #bts rose bowl #speak yourself rose bowl #concert experience #taehyung #jungkook #namjoon #jimin #jin #yoongi #hoseok #personal

[rqs902]

qcyn ep 11 -- can you believe the finale is tomorrow?!?

this whole texting section was so funnyyyy and i will honorably mention yet again that yao chi texting mc jin in english is so sweet

li ronghao torturing xu longhan iS HIALRIOSUS 

 but i also pity the poor child LOOL

wait can we talk about chen tao’s spelling timao LOL

and chen sijian’s face LOLLL

omg yao mingming’s message is so aww... he mentions liking yixing since he debuted in 2012.......

omgggg fjj and wang yi theyre all so cute and screamy and i loveee 

WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIN MO AND WANG YI’S HAPPY DANCE

oh gosh the8 is really showing us how hard seventeen works to get their choreo super in sync wow they really must work so hard.... wow minghao giving up the center position bc he knows how important this is to these kids... he deserves more recognition as a great mentor wow

oh my goodness.......... li zhenning’s voice shaking as he says to shi mingze “if you can get into top 20, then you’ll have hope” is.... the most heartbreaking......... knowing that shi mingze doesnt.......... they literally were smiling as they went off into this corner to talk and are crying by the time they come out..... can you just imagine how much sadness and stress is constantly looming over these kids’ heads and tearing down at their mental health?? its all hidden and suppressed, but with really fragile borders, so as soon as you pick at the walls, their raw emotions come bursting through... 

this just reminds me that even tho shi mingze is their cool, handsome leader, hes still the youngest in bg project............

can we please talk about how considerate of a friend li zhenning is and has been?? 

and this all took place before zhenning ever ranked into top 9.... so to them, this opportunity wouldve been really important for zhenning too, bc maybe he wouldve really needed it to get into top 9. but at least we know now.... he has enough popularity that they made the correct choice and hopefully more people will notice shi mingze as a result

ZHAN YU’S ARMSSSSSSSSS bo yuan’s hair!! i really like it!!!! wen yechen in pink!!!!!! his voice is so addicting i just wanna hear more of it... it dont matter that zhenning isnt center, he still shines :)) wait wu zelin’s voice i really liked it in retreat and we get even more vocal-like wu zelin here! thats a realy nice purple on qunfeng, hes really rocking this look SHI MINGZE I SAW THAT WINK frick minghao’s dancing is just so satisfying to watch wowow

man he looks so good

wow i live for random zhan yu reactions (imma just collect them here LOL)

after journey and mc jin’s friendship is so cute hahahaha

ok i see why elle thinks chen tao is a visual

wang zhe and wu chengze have both really improved in their stage presence throughout the course of this show aw deng chaoyuan looks the happiest we’ve ever seen him on stage haha zhou shiyuan’s voice is really so cool 

i guess we’ll never find out why gu landi is in mc jin’s group..... is it bc yao chi is here? im sorry i love this song and i love a lot of the kids in this group but can you just imagine how much better this stage would’ve been if it were with more kids who had experience rapping....? last year’s “zero” stage just made such a bigger impression on me...... this is actually really such a contrast im---

ALKSJDLAKSJDLK CHEN SIJIAN’S RAPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST DID THATT!!!!!!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!??!?!1//!ASDLKJALSKJJ OMGGOHS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! CHEN SIJIAN JUST BLEW EVERYOEN OUT OF THE WATER YOU BEST BET HE DID WOWOW HE JSUT I CANT BELEIEVE HE JSUT INCLUDED AT LEAST 4 NAMES WOW 

IM WEN YECHEN

chen sijian is really the best at writing raps about his bros wow and like also he has the most creative lyrics i really appreciate wow such talent hes amazing!!!

a lost baby..

UNDERAPPRECIATED GU LANDI VISUALS

the face of a legend 

ever since i saw the “time” ballad version, ive had a sneaking suspicion that lin yuzhi is secretly one of the strongest vocalists on this show..... this is the face of talent

idk whose outfit is distracting me more, xu bingchao or xixi’s LOL shao haofan looks so nice here wow and ding feijun is so adorable even tho this is a more mature concept but i still cant see him as anything but a cute child

maybe its the way they cut up the lines but idk this song didnt really show off their vocal abilities that well..... sorry xixi :( i think xixi’s voice deserved better time to shine on this show...... his and feng junjie’s voices are actually both so nice i was so impressed when i saw them singing in the oaca clips

this koala ad makes me very uncomfortable......

wenhan reaches into the box and pulls out..... costco brand blueberries??!?!?/1 hHhahahhahHAHAHHA 

lol yao chi being so sentimental... oh look at this photo of me with bubbles on my face (me: oh no here it come--) OH YEA ALSO CHECK OUT THIS FACE WASH!

wow kou cong!! a face i havent seen in a while aw! i cant believe they filmed all the yaa eps while they all still had colorful hair lol i guess ill never get to see lin mo on yaa /sigh/ or actually any of the tyger members cept jia yi.........

HAHAHAHAHHA YESSSSSSSSS THEY INCLUDED A CLIP OF CHEN SIJIAN’S PHONE CALL !!!! HIS WAS HILARIOUSS!!!! HAHAHAHA I LOVED HOW SIMILAR HIS FAN SEEMED TO BE TO HIM HAHAH 

AAHH AS SOON AS IT GETS TO LIN MO’S ITS THE SAD MUSIC TIME

his was the most heartwarming call.... no bias LOL

feng junjie singing “the great artist” just---

this boy will never stop with the meme faces hHAHAHA

im surprised this section was so short lol i was expecting them to spend more time on this group...

SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN SUN ZELIN YEA

jolin’s eyes are so wow 

feng junjie with the voice!!!!!!1 

JOLIN THE QUEEN

still kinda wish jia yi had more opportunity to sing on this show......... hes like second main vocalist to zhan yu in tyger but i feel like he hasnt gotten to show his voice much :( he did really well tho!!! he really has impressive stage presence

omg lin mo’s super shy “1 day” ahhhhh 

omg wang jiayi looks like hes about to cry... the poor child....

yixing reaching out to apologize to them.... hes really so caring towards them...... wang jiayi just needs more confidence!! i believe in him too

where did lin mo get this white cap from? lol he chose the pink one..... on a related note, im so happy lin mo got to be in yixing’s group, bc from the beginning with namanana hes really really tried so hard to earn yixing’s recognition, im sure it means a lot to him to be able to learn from him like this and share a stage with him 

yao mingming too, i feel like he really values yixing’s recognition as well

i think all the kids in this group had to have known that picking yixing’s group would be the most tiring and require the most effort, but i think choosing this group regardless just really shows they came here to learn 

A HAPPY BABYYY

omg like yixing is really /teaching/ them and i appreciate that

lin mo and xu fangzhou’s voices!!!!!!

OOF IM SO READY FOR THIS OUTFIT 

ASLDKALSDKJLAK HE WINKED!!!!!!!!!!!

what is this awkward closeup

why does fangzhou have wings lol

i feel like theres a lot of random awkward closeups of lin mo.... should i be happy about this??? LOL i dont think theyre all very flattering but at the same time at least hes got closeups....???? ? ??  

OOF HES GETTING MORE LINES THAN I EXPECTED TOO

you know how ive talked about how i love how much detail lin mo puts into his dancing, including even his slight head tilts? LOOK ANOTHER HEAD TILT 

HAHAHAHHAHA GUAN YUE’S EYES GOT SO BIG HAHAHHAHA OMGGG

ooof lin mo getting to sing the chorus with yixing im !!!!!! im sure hes so grateful for this opportunity wow also i think i mentioned this with namanana but i really think lin mo suits yixing’s dance style, like its a style that hes pulls off really well, so i think he got to shine a bit in this performance :’)

ok i havent said this yet but what is with that thick black fade at the top of the screen its so annoying??? like why you gotta cover the top of their heads??? 

wow we’re really getting a lot of random lin mo shots hahahha is this iqiyi repenting their wrongs from ‘spirit of the knight’ i almost am surprised how yao mingming isnt getting the most screentime but then i remember iqiyi has never favored yao mingming........ /sigh

AYYY WENXUAN AND LIN MO THE BUDDIES

just look at how perfectly tilted / well-positioned lin mo’s head is wow and that gaze wow i just love his stage presence

yea im gonna have to rewatch this perf to gif the lin mo moments.... maybe after the finale tomorrow when ill be like oop lin mo didnt make it in oh well let me just wallow in his talent that the audience slept on by drowning myself in lin mo content (its not like i do that every day already)

LOL THAT CAMERA SPIN WAS SUCH A FAIL YOU CANT SEE ANYONE CEPT WENXUAN ADJUSTING HIS MIC HAHAHHAHA ok on a side note tho im glad wenxuan got to be in this group too!! yuehua’s dancer getting to show us his dancing again :’) and we all know he was discouraged being reshuffled into “maze” and i just wanna say wenxuan deserves more credit for being able to really go out of his comfort zone and pull off the cute concept in “maze” well even tho he didnt want to accept it at first! 

HES PERFECT 

hey yall is it just me or did you see lin mo’s eyes in that really fast flashy bit at the end of the preview for the finale? HAHHAHAHA i couldnt even screenshot it bc it was so fast, but i swear i saw his eyes so i think he was in it LOOOL

JSUT KIDDING I WENT BACK AND TRIED AGAIN AND I GOT IT

I KNEW I SAW HIS EYES HAHAHAHHAHA

oo i havent mentioned this before but i really like the sound of chen sijians voice, even when speaking... 

OMG GU LANDI

OMGGGG MY CHILD YE ZIMING IN FREAKING TARZAN NEXT DOOR??!???

THIS IS TOO MUCH!!!!!!! THANKS FOR REMINDING US HOW IQIYI TOTALLY SLIGHTED THIS BOY OUT OF GETTING INTO TOP 35

aw honestly i wonder if lian huaiwei will really not make it tomorrow.....  

omg sun zelin in the ending credits!!!!

OMG ZHAN YU TOOOOOOO

OOF LOOK AT ZHAN YU’S JAWLINE (ooops sorry yechen ahhahhhaa)

they must really like this part of the choreo?? 

BUT I LOVE THIS LOOK ON YECHEN YESSS

lol is this lin mo’s back

tbh im surprised they didnt include lin mo in the ending credits but i think they were trying to make up for the loss of yao mingming time earlier LOOL 

ok well i have about 10 hrs until i gotta wake up to watch the finale so.... now to go watch fjj and hcx’s goodnight dachang HAHAH

#rants #this got long... but idk why i decided to include pictures this time #maybe itll make it easier to follow HAHAHA #mentor collab was so much fun last season bc everyone already knew their fate / whether they would get eliminated #so it seemed like they were just enjoying the stage #this time i was worried since it was before elims that they wouldnt be as fun but i think #even tho the competition was still looming in the background they still proved that theyre just as fun of a bunch of kids!!

[drews-diary]

21.08.19

today’s diary entry is gonna be weird. also hi, its been a while. a few days ago, i learned that the fourteen year old i tutor has a boyfriend. and while that is a perfectly reasonable age to have a boyfriend i just cant get over the fact that someone born in 2007 is already capable of typing let alone dating. I remember when my friends little brother who was also born in 2007 was crawling around and cried cuz he hit his head on the table. but to be fair that didnt really bother me too much as i always felt as though i was stagnant and things around me were the ones always changing. 

But then today i was listening to taylor swift’s old albums cuz i was feeling nostalgic and i listened to fifteen from the fearless album that came out back in 2009 and i realized that she released that song when she was around twenty which means she probably wrote in when she was in her teens writing about how she knows so much more than she did back when was starting high school that she wish she could tell her younger self. and i remembered listening to that album as a child and expecting myself to feel the same by the time i became an adult. yet here i am at 21 no thoughts head empty. and i realized that even if i met 15 year old me there is next to nothing i would want to tell her because i still feel like i am more or less still the same ignorant uninformed person. the only thing i would tell her is to stop fucking around and focus on school. 

i feel like i dont have as much experience as the other people around me. I never used to care that i’ve never been romantically involved with someone, but i always thought it would happen eventually when i got to college but a three semesters have passed and i have yet to take a single class on campus. 

to be completely honest the only reason i am even fever writing this right now is because i had a ice cream blending cold brew from starbucks this evening because i had to get up excruciatingly early for class registration (which i completely failed at) and had three tutoring classes today meaning i didnt have time for my daily afternoon nap so the coffee was the only thing making sure i didnt fall asleep during my last class. I purposely dont drink coffee regularly so that i can use it like a magic potion when i need it and the caffeine hits me like a bus. it has been six hours and i am still wide-eyed i should not have gotten a grande. today was also my first time trying coldbrew so there’s that. i was kinda grateful for the effects because it made sure i was awake for today’s episode of hospital playlist but now i kinda wanna sleep since i didnt get much last night and i would like to make sure i dont miss my class tomorrow morning, i have to get up at at least ten, but here i am typing this.and i think i am just going to keep going.

my family moved recently, and for the time being my entire room is surrounded by bookshelves because my brother’s bed is too big and we cant fix any bookshelves into his room and i am only using a mattress topper thing for the next few months. this is because i finally convinced my mom to let me throw out that horrid bed with the curved head and foot board with the flower decorations that always dug into the back of my head, neck, and back when i was trying to read. so that is the situation in my room until the end of the year when hopefully my brother’s whole situation will be over and we can finally go furniture shopping and switch rooms. (we are also currently living in each other’s room because his permanent room aka my current room cannot fit his fucking gigantic boat bed. actually i really love that bed i wish he was still young enough to use it its so cute.

i find our new neighborhood unsettling. like its probably because i got so attached to our old house that we lived in for nine years but i dont know. the place we moved to is a location that i used to spend some time in when we first moved to korea but i literally havent been here in nine years as mentioned earlier, and i am slowly piecing my memories of the geography as well as blending it with the incredibly limited knowledge i have of the nearby surroundings that i built riding the bus and when i was learning to drive because the school that i went to is kind of near our new place. anyways to get back to the subject this new neighborhood is full of too many happy families with these little kids that run around with their sticky little fingers flailing around. like hello we are still in the middle of a global pandemic i swear to god parents of little kids will go loose their minds when their children get sick yet they let them just run around spreading their disgusting little disease to the rest of us. ugh i hate kids. but thats besides the point the reason i think the new neighborhood feels dystopian is because all of the families, children and the elders too (why are there so many elders like i dont hate them or anything most of them are fine but like where are they all coming from?) look so happy. where are the depressed high schoolers and burnt out college students? my brother and i dont seem to have any friends in this bitch. anyways so the sheer amount of happiness that seems to radiate around me reminds me of books and movies like the giver you know or like the uglies series where you start off in this utopian-esque world until you find out that it is actually fake. its unsettling. 

okay now i am kind of tired good night. wait also the public transportation at our new place fucking sucks i know it’s pretty good by regular standards but i am used to subway stations, convenience stores, cafes and bus stops all being 30 seconds away from the entrance of my building. okay the bus stop took more like two minutes but whatever. and buses used to come every five minutes but now i have to walk at least ten minutes to the nearest subway station and the bus stops only have three buses and even those take so fucking long to arrive and they dont even arrive when they say they will they are always late which is why i end up fucking walking twenty minutes to the subway station because that way at least i can guarantee that i am not going to be completely late. unreliable ass buses.

fuck there’s a lot i dont like about my new neighborhood. oh wait we are also far from malls now i have to walk like half an hour to get to the nearest mall when at our old house i only had to walk ten minutes and the mall close to our new house is worse than the old one. this one’s movie theatre isnt even famous. but dont get me wrong i guess there are things i like about our new place like how you can call the elevator from inside the house or how there’s a gym and the fact that i now have ac in my room. i am just being a brat because i really loved our old house. it was perfect. even if i felt as though i was being burned alive during the summers sometimes. i also like my new blinds that let in light in the shape of constellations. 

i dont currently have a desk in my room so i dont know what im going to do when school starts again in a few weeks i guess i’ll have to take my lecture on the floor or maybe on the kitchen table idk.

[shortkingsinc]

weirdly dressed white ladies showing up is ALWAYS the reason for the wraith ok? this is applicable advice for all of life in my experience lol but honestly mulan showing up and giving that rep on tv at a time when there were like no other asians or many ppl of color on that show and then making her ehm good rep otherwise (dont wanna spoil) was everything!! shes a badass but also lowkey so soft and im hereee for it. okok fr fr sorry with the spam tonight. ill go now ahh

right!! i cant stress this enough oh my god i

like speaking as a person of east asian descent (my moms full japanese), and someone who’s dealt (in some capacity) with all the still rather pervasive stereotypes that accompany that throughout my life: being called ‘chink’ by random ass white kids entirely unprovoked, being given offensive nicknames like ‘ching chong’ for absolutely no apparent reason, being asked if i eat dogs, etc.

and especially as im here watching yet another show that’s so predominantly composed of white/white-passing characters… idk it definitely impacts me in a positive way

obviously the portrayal isnt exactly perfect (they so seldom are), but just the fact that theyve incorporated a character whos so obviously of east asian descent, and also that they havent had her utilize a blatantly offensive accent and/or any obscenely stereotypical characteristics that have no real function beyond convincing the audience that she is indeed a person of color…. 

idk like i realize how low that sets the bar here, and it kinda grates on me that im so overjoyed to see a characterization that’s arguably only doing the bare minimum in order to avoid being insensitive (and being called out for it, since cancel culture these days really is no fucking joke), but it’s super super super great to see nonetheless and it absolutely gives me a great deal of hope for future portrayals of people of color in mainstream media

ok audrey just went on another whole rant for basically no reason but,,, all that to say, yes i do agree with you a hell of a lot more than you know and thanks for the ask

#im sorry i just #have a lot of feelings #anon #mulan #once upon a time #shows #audrey speaks (even though absolutely no one asked her to) #ask

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 12 Confessionals

I try not to be cocky but ... I'm sorry, Jordan trying to vote me and flopping - while using the CHAOS SQUAD gimmick - has to be my favorite move in this whole game. I think I must have fallen asleep at some point and been transported back to Taveuni because this is feeling awfully familiar!!! Caron and Zach going to rocks for me ... honestly, icons. I love them both. I'm sad that Katie had to be sacrificed but I'm glad that the other two survived because I'm going to need them to take down Jordan!! Nothing person, Jordan, but this is not going to be Taveuni 2.0 ... I'm not going to let you comp win your way to the end. Not today, Satan. NOT TODAY!

I can't believe... that worked... I deadass went to Charlotte with information of Luke/Jordan wanting her out, and I knew that the chances of Char believing me were fairly slim since our history in KS. But I figured, and Carson did as well, that J/L/K are a trio, and although a quad with Char, that they are extremely powerful in this game and they have such a good argument to win in the final 2 due to the 7-2 slant of ulta/copa Now I feel like we have a pretty solid 3 of Char/Carson/myself vs Jordan/Luke. I'm going for immunity hard because I know that if J/L win, then they're going to idol the other person, and one of the ulta members will leave. At least in the chance that I (or even Carson/Char) win immunity, it's a 50-50 chance. I think Carson has the least likely chance of being voted by them though, so good for him! Seeing Katie being rocked out thought was sad because I enjoy her and think she's amazing, but was SO FUCKING GREAT! CARSON AND I WERE SO HYPED BECAUSE WE MADE sappy messages being like "it was great meeting you again, i love you and we should be friends once this season's over :(" SINCE IT WAS A 66.7% CHANCE ONE OF US WERE LEAVING AND ALSO, I EXPERIENCED A ROCK DRAW. I can finally die happy. I kind of wish I got rocked out, but nonetheless i'm still grateful to be here. Immunity is live tonight so that's worrying too. Overall, "Operation: Eject Luke" was partially a success since we weakened their strong trio, but there's still a lot of game to play. I haven't even thought about the final two plea yet, but I know that I was the person who got this flip to happen so... i'm on some path, at least.

Last round was WAY too wild. I was so sure we had the numbers to get Charlotte out but it turns out they were playing us, ROCKS WERE DRAWN, and Katie went home which sucks because she was a definite number for Jordan and myself so now we're outnumbered. But being outnumbered is our speciality, we've been outnumbered this entire game. I have the idol in my back pocket and I'm 100% set on using that idol on myself if I don't win the immunity challenge. If Jordan wins immunity, I play it on myself. If I win immunity, I play it on Jordan. If neither of us wins.....sorry Pines, every Copa for himself?

I was going to do a video confessional but honestly I'm too tired. Somehow I seem to have been put in a position where I'm in the middle of two alliances and have to decide what I want to go with. Again. Seriously, I wasn't kidding when I said that I felt like we were back in Taveuni. I spent like 45 minutes on call with Carson and Zach last night trying to figure out what we wanted to do. There's a pretty good chance that Luke has the idol and we're pretty sure that he's not reckless enough to try to play it on Jordan and leave himself exposed. That would be an insane kind of loyalty, right? There's also the possibility that Katie was voted out with it, or that Jordan has it and he's been playing up being 'desperate' and worried this vote ... but that seemed pretty Extra even for him. If he had an idol, he'd just play it and call it a day.. right? I suppose there's the off chance that he could be trying to get both he and Luke through this vote but that just can't happen. I'm sorry, you're C*pa ... you can't seriously expect two of you to make it to Final 4. It's a miracle you've survived as long as you have! I mean .. no. Just no. I'm in this awkward position though because like ... okay, I spent an hour on call (maybe 90 minutes? IDK) with Jordan last night and I do genuinely like him as a person. As extra as he might be. Do I want to support my local Jordan Pines and save him? Eh, that's up for debate... though there's no denying that having him around certainly makes my life more interesting. Good interesting or bad interesting? Again, up for debate. Zach and Carson are the reason why I'm still here. If it weren't for my relationships with them, Jordan might have successfully voted me out and not played the fool with that Chaos Squad bullshit. AGAIN.  Turning on them to save the person who tried to vote me out last round? Even if he's promising me he'll cut Luke off at F4 and take me to F3? I'd have to be a moron. I'd have to be the stupidest person on the planet to trust Jordan Pines again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? Burn, bitch. Burn. So I'm going to talk to Jordan today, and I'm going to consider my options, but the chances of me flopping are slim to none. I think it would be an awful game move and it would tank my jury relationships on the off chance I managed to make it to the F2. Way to go, Jordan. Look what you made me do.

So I know I said last round that it was every Copa for himself and that the idol was being played on me.....well....idk how sure that it is now but I could possibly be playing the idol on Jordan Pines. I know it's crazy and it could completely backfire on me but like.....I'm so nervous about this round. We're trying to convince Charlotte to vote with us but we don't think that she's going to do it so we have to think long and hard about which of us the idol is going to be played on. Eurgh...I hate that Golden Rope. 

JORDAN PINES ISNT FUCKING DYING, LUKE IS PLAYING THE IDOL ON ME FUCKIGN FREEDOM. FINAL 4 AND THEN I AM TWO CHALLENGES AWAY FROM HOPEFULLY WINNING OMG AHHHHHHH JORDAN FUCKING PINESIF LUKE GOES TONIGHT, I WILL CRY, LIKE ACTUALLY BREAK DOWN IN TEARS. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THICK AND THIN TOGETHER ADN I DO NOT WANT TO FINISH THIS GAME WITHOUT HIM. in all sincerity i would rather lose to luke in finals than win without him there. He is my rock in this game, and if I survive and he doesn't tonight. I might just cry.

sooo... i used the golden rope to stop jordan from winning immunity?? so charlotte won immunity bc of me, then i get to go to wishing well and get: [10/4/2017 6:52:39 PM] Ryan Palmer: Congratulations! You have earned yourself a task from the well. Once you complete this task to the hosts appeasement you may earn a special reward. This is the Final Five tribal council, it's a big one! And this Reward you can earn is MASSIVE! It can drastically alter the fate of this game. And for a power that big, you need to do something drastic to earn it. You need to Self-Vote at this Tribal Council. As long as you don't submit an official vote this power will be yours. And another temptation, just know that this power can be used whether you are in or out of the game. If you do not complete it you will earn nothing. LIKE... im not gonna self vote out of this game so im not gonna go for it even though i desperately want to. with jordan and luke both able to be voted for, it seems like we're gonna be voting for jordan, assuming luke has the idol and will use it for himself?? i hope that we're able to somehow do something where i wont be idoled out. i reaslly hope im not idoled out bc i just wanna make it past 4th so i can improve my placement this time around. idk if theyre voting me ro zach but honestly... i might be a shitty ally by saying this, but i hope theyre voting zach :/ i dont wanna be idoled out at all and i feel like i might be taking this game a bit more seriously than zach?? idk i dont want either of us to go so ill pray for that outcome instead. i really hope i can survive this tribal

So like ideally I think the vote tonight is going to be 3-2 Jordan/Me or Jordan/Carson. Preferably Carson just because I like my track record of minimal votes, but I doubt that I will be receiving 0 votes tonight. On a similar note, there's chances that I won't even be here tomorrow. Like... my gut tells me Jordan is going to be idolled and i'll be leaving. Going out with a bang, tbh. If I leave tonight, will I be proud? Let's go down memory lane. I will be proud. Despite being inactive due to consecutive immunities, I played during the merge. I came in as a 2nd placer, and potentially am getting fifth with 2 (or 4/5) votes cast against me total. I flipped votes, survived rocks, fucked over jordan pines' immunity (OKAY THAT LAST ONE WAS NOT GOOD I FELT SHITTY AS FUCK), but nonetheless I accomplished a lot or experienced more than the average survivor game. I hope it's in my favour tonight and that I wake up to see the final four. If not, then i'm satisfied with my experience and at least I go out somewhat big (idol, that is. if someone flips ill be disappointed) and on that note, it'd be dumb for C/C to flip because.. say hi to 3rd and 4th!

so apparently jordan/luke are voting zach if theyre telling the truth to charlotte (or if charlottes telling the truth to me, you never know.) im praying + hoping ill be safe and make it to the final 4 to hopefully match or redeem myself from my previous athena placement. ive just come so far i cant lose now idk.ive put so much into this game. jordans WAY more desperate acting than luke so idk if lukell play it on jordan if he has it or whatever ahhhh

You know, Jordan Pines almost convinced me to save him. It's nine minutes until tribal and I'm still not 100% sure I'm doing this. I guess we'll find out, won't we?

#NotAGameForLapdogs