#idk it feels like so many people with normal families and normal childhoods got such a head start 😞

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey Maya, I got into the void using the method @gorgeouslypink and you talked about so thank you so much.

I had a gaming chair in my room with a reclining chair so I just used that for my method. I went to bed and like the method instructed I woke up 3.5 hours after falling asleep! I woke up and went to my chair which I angled to 130 degrees. Well idk how exact I was, but I tried my best lol. I went to bed after 15 minutes and i had so many weird experiences ranging from hypnagogic state awareness, three false awakenings, sleep paralysis, and lucid dreaming. All within around one hour it was very confusing but I took it as a good sign because I have never experienced any of those things. I just kept going back to bed expecting to wake up in the void and I did!!!!!!!! After one year or over consuming and victimizing myself, I’m leaving my dream life.

I manifested

✨master of the void state and I can get in by just saying I am void 3x. Plus shifting for the future. Harry Potter here I come

✨revising my age from 24-> 18 to relive the childhood I missed from toxic family, abuse, depression

✨revising my family in every aspect. We went from poor, toxic, classless, uneducated, fat ugly looking, conservative… to a respected, wealthy, gorgeous, socialite loving and educated family that is loved and known by the people in my state.

✨for myself I manifested being super gorgeous. (Void came clutch i look like a fucking model) being skinny and never gaining weight, having my desires hourglass body with big boobs and a perky butt, being extremely intelligent and innovative,being an influencer, beginning my acting career, making one million dollars a year, perfect college life at USC, having a wattpadd life, so many different hobbies like singing, playing multiple instruments, pottery, drawing, writing, and so much more. My list was 10 pages long.

✨dream sp, that’s like all my favorite actors, wattpadd men, and has all my dream traits. I am beyond bless. I’m every aspect of my relationship though no one loved it even talked to me two days ago. I was always the ugly duckling, the girl people made fun of, the fatty taking up to much space. Now I have everything because of the law. It feels normal, and I’ll finally start living my life.

I’m super proud of you. Have fun living your dream life, you deserve it, and thank you for sharing your experience 💕

#law of assumption #manifesation #manifesting #void state #void success

[forthevillains]

Okokok this is gonna sound weird, BUT, pretty please hear me out 😘

So imagine being Albert Wesker's "childhood friend" Like when he was a teen he'd sneak out to spend time with you every so often if he had a bit of free time in his busy af schedule. Idk what to do about this idea from there. I just think it's kinda fun. Maybe he's secretly a yandere lol. No idea.

That’s such a good idea!

The fact that Wesker would have someone to talk to without Spencer knowing at all. Like he’d be so excited to actually have a friend he’d risk his everything only to get to see you. As smart as he is, it wouldn’t be that difficult for him to create a plan, but making it work with all the people around him would be much worse.

Alex surely caught him at least once, questioning his intentions, curious on why in the hell would her brother go out during such a time while they have so much to do. Wesker was tense the whole time they were talking, he felt stupid, it all looked and sounded much better in his head, but when he said "I found a friend.” - he cringed at himself. No matter this reaction though, as much as Alex used to tease the hell out of him and even make fun of him, she was still his sister and he was closest to the family she’s lost years ago. Something about Albert being able to make connections with people after all that’s been done to him is still on her mind and so she lets him go, having his back whenever Spencer asked of his whereabouts.

Wesker would sneak out more and more often, the more he got to know you, the more he wanted to be with you. It became something he couldn’t live without, seeing you smile at him every now and then, interested in him. If you asked about his parents he would go quiet, so you made a mental note of not asking about his personal life again. You became the talker and did he love listening to you. He got to know the smallest of things, everything about your own family… He made sure to remember every detail about you, especially the type of places you liked so that he could take you there when you guys would get older. It was the first time for him having a friend like this so he cared for you like for no other.

I can imagine Wesker getting really fixated though, after some time, he wouldn’t know whether its love or obsession he’s feeling, but deep in his guts he’s aware that it’s no good, not for him, not for you. He’s destined for big things, he has so many lives on his hands. He’s nothing like any other teenager, he has an important duty (and trust that sometimes he hates it very much). Though you always make him feel like a normal teenager, like a normal human being… And that’s special to him, by treating him like a decent human - you’re making him feel special.

And even when he loved to spend his time with you, everything good in his life apparently had to come to an end. You left, because your parents insisted on moving away and that was when you and Albert got separated. It hurt, both you and him, but in his case it was hard to move on. So hard he just couldn’t do it. He’d feel sad, always thinking of the times spent with you, away from all his problems and now it was all gone. While you were quick to find new friends, he became so lonely that not even William or Alex made him feel better.

You haven’t come back in years, in almost two decades. And Wesker was still thinking of you sometimes, even though he was somewhere completely else. He changed physically and mentally that’s for sure, now that he was captain of S.T.A.R.S. with even more responsibilities than before. He became cold, stern and hardworking man with clear goals in his mind. He didn’t include you in his plans anymore, even though he wondered where you were a lot, he wondered if you got married and had kids, he wondered if you thought about him the same way he thought about you. Obsession it was indeed.

One day however, you ran into him, on an accident. You didn’t see it coming as you were texting your co-worker of an important matter when you found yourself basically walking into his muscular form, immediately dropping your phone and if it wasn’t from him - you’d be lying on the ground right next to it.

"I’m sorry-“ you were ready to leave, but he stopped you before you could go any further. You were familiar, everything about you felt that way and when you looked up at him, all confused, he recognized those eyes. It was as if the time stopped for him, finally seeing the woman he liked when they were young, someone who overlooked all his flaws and made him smile almost each time they met.

"What is it?” You turned your head to the side, narrowing your eyes in curiosity and only then has he realized that he’s been staring at you through his shades and not saying anything.

"Y/N…” he only muttered your name, completely taken aback by the sound of your voice. He couldn’t believe that he was seeing you now. "It’s been so long.”

You don’t get what he means at first, but when he takes the sunglasses off to get a proper look at you. "Al-“ before you finished saying his name he pulled you in for a hug, wanting nothing more than to feel that you’re real. He only used to hug you when you initiated it, but now it was his turn, he felt as if it wasn’t real at all, that it was too good to be.

No matter the shock, you hugged him back after a while, wrapping your hands around him, taking a note of how much bigger he got over the years. He’s grown to be a handsome man to say the least.

"What are you doing here?” You asked when you pulled away, giving him a small smile.

"Going to work.” He made it up. He wasn’t going anywhere now that he’s learned that you’re around. He’s not gonna make the same mistake of letting you go now that he has more control over his own life. It might feel crazy to some, but he wanted to keep an eye on you, getting to know your habits, where you worked, where you lived and he wouldn’t wait for you to tell him yourself, it’s already been too much time without you. He wanted to make up for it now.

"Oh alright! Sorry, I must be wasting your time,” you apologized.

Wesker shook his head though. "Of course you’re not.” He was so gentle talking to you that if someone has heard him they probably wouldn’t even recognize him.

"Well in that case, we should catch up with each other. Are you free this evening? I’ve got so much to tell you!” There you were, the girl he used to know, immediately showing him your interest even though you haven’t seen him in decades. He couldn’t even say no to you, immediately cancelling whatever plans he’s had to make sure he’s indeed free in the evening. This time you’re not getting away from him, he’s going to make you his at some point. He’s been stupid enough to let you go once, he’s not gonna do it again;)

#albert wesker #albert wesker x reader #oneshot #resident evil #resident evil wesker #wesker x reader #wesker x you

[v-anrouge]

ok actually im gonna say why i think rook and vil are autistic coded coming from an autistic person if u disagree i really don't care tbh get good

ok so first of all vil; vil is coded as a heavy masker, and much like many autistic kids it seems he learned that in childhood, to protect himself from harm, harm that came from bullying he receives because people don't get his actions. he also seems to be hyper-aware of how others perceive him which is the reason he is always bothered when his appearance is anything but perfect (when his clothes are wrinkled, when his hair is out of place, etc). he has trained his expressions to make sure he looks perfect as well and that's something i know a lot of autistic ppl have to go through (same). he keeps a tight schedule and gets bothered when he has to break it. he 100% has texture problems like have you seen the way he describes fabric and how picky he is when it comes to care products??. his special interest is fashion and theater you can see how he changes when he speaks about it, normally vil has a neutral expression speaking but whenever he speaks about them he's always smiling and lets not forget how he spent more than 2 hours straight talking to rook about it like ok if that isn't autistic to autistic communication idk what is. that's probably more but i also have adhd so i can't remember it😔

rook now; rook is interesting because at the same time he is masking, he chooses what to mask and what to not. let's start with the most obvious, his special interests; neige, theater, vil & hunting. again bringing up the way he could ramble for hours about any of those things and how happy he gets when he talks about them. another one that heavily implies his autism is how he was non-verbal as a child, he didn't even cry as a child until he saw neige acting and got so enraptured by it he started to cry, and well as we know is still obsessed with theater. further more trey in a vignette (which a lot of ppl hate rook for which to me is weird like erm did u read the vignette..?) states how rook is so unapologetically honest he just says what is on his head (because unlike vil, instead of being shamed his family supported him instead of shaming) but won't realize that his words might hurt someone because he struggles with getting social cues (which is why he is seen as eccentric and weird) ((same..)). he as well is very aware of his own emotions and how he presents himself, to such an extreme degree he can control his own heartbeat and even remember how many hours he slept, furthermore he finds it hard to open up to others and dislikes being emotional vulnerable and masks in other to protect himself from it. again there's def more but ehehehe anwyays this is just my opinion if u disagree erm okay? If u have more to add feel free to come share and if u have other autistic hcs of other characters u can add here too!!! shout out to my two autistic princesses

#vil schoenheit #twst vil schoenheit #twst vil #rook hunt #twst rook hunt #twst rook

[cafeseoulmate]

Why We (Don’t) Work

i'm okay with being by your side for as long as i can hide what if i told you that i've fallen?

featuring: music major!beomgyu x fine arts major!gn!reader

genre: fluff, angst, childhood best friends to lovers, neighbors to lovers au, idiots to lovers au, high school au, college au, band au, hurt/comfort, slice of life, slowburn, mutual pining, 5+1 & nonlinear format

wc: 13k

warnings and other notes: cursing, alcohol consumption, reader is implied bi/pan, two jokes about murder, mention of the flu, brief mention of making out, cliches, inaccurate portrayal of a painting & sculpture double major, idk where this was going tbh

I. WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG

The idea of friends eventually becoming lovers, especially those who have known each other for a long time, is okay in your opinion. In theory, the principle of falling in love with someone whom you've previously built a relationship with is not that great but not that awful either.

It's reasonable, practical and natural even in many situations. You would know from the amount of friends you've watched over the years who only started seeing each other romantically after a few years of getting to know and being comfortable around each other platonically.

You just figure that it's not for you and Choi Beomgyu, the nuisance who's been affectionately stuck to your hip since your days at the neighborhood playground.

For starters, you've known him for far too long. Not that love is supposed to have an expiration date, it's just that most people who start off friends—like your college friends Yeji and Ryujin who started dating before your junior year—usually take less than a decade, and that is really pushing it in your humble opinion.

Beomgyu's known you since the time you were sporting bowl cuts your mom fashioned with your kitchen scissors, probably and unconsciously even longer than that given that your respective moms have also been close friends since you were toddlers. You've pushed each other at the swings and the slides more than any of your other childhood friends, have gone to the same schools together spent most of your non-holidays with each other since kindergarten, and even live in the same university dorm at the present.

You both had almost 16 years to bring up anything remotely close to romantic feelings with each other and the closest to romantic-leaning affection that you got from him was the time he gave you a bouquet of roses, and he didn't even buy it for you originally.

It was in your 10th grade, when Valentine's Day gifts have finally reached normal status among the consciousness of your teen peers. Since Halloween, Beomgyu had been saving up his money to buy Yeeun from Class 4 a bouquet of roses—bribing you to pay for his lunch two out of five days in the week, singing and dancing his ass off at his family's Christmas and Lunar New Year parties for money, and working the afternoon shift at the neighborhood guitar store—only to chicken out at the last minute because Jaehyun from Class 6 had asked Yeeun to be his girlfriend in a very public proposal at the soccer field.

In a small class reunion last Christmas, Taehyun had asked about the whole ordeal, supported by the drunk cheerings of your former classmates at the memory of Beomgyu handing you the abnormally large bouquet by the school gate during dismissal almost five years ago.

"What else do you want to know about that?" You asked with a frown, feeling light-headed from all the barbecue and soju yourself. It was finals week for most of you as well, somehow making all the shots of peach-flavored alcohol taste sweeter and the stories bitterer. "You all know how it went: Gyu chickened out and didn't want to waste his hard-earned money on a girl who got a boyfriend that same day so he gave it to me before we went home."

"You also gave me half of the money to buy it! That's also an important detail!" Beomgyu slurred out to your right, leaning his head on your arm with a giggle and making you roll your eyes. "I thought, 'ya, this person bought me lunch for three months they kind of bought this bouquet so I'll just give it to them. That's only fair!'"

Yunjin raised a finger this time, as if making a shushing motion in the air as she took a long sip of her soju bottle across the table. "Okay but!" She exclaimed after slamming her bottle down, momentarily covering her mouth as she hiccuped before continuing. "You...you could've just gave it to your mom or something!"

"Auntie's allergic to flowers." You pointed out. "My dad also forgot to buy my mom flowers that time so I gave it to him when I got home. I technically saved two lives that day.”

"So it didn't spark anything?" Jeongin pointed to you then to Beomgyu who was contemplating on falling asleep on you by that point, clearly uninterested in this conversation you've had with the rest of the world a million times already. "Not even a little bit?"

Of course there were times over the years, at least on your part—moments where Beomgyu spent an hour too long in your childhood home when he just told you that his parents wanted him to come home at a certain time, filled a day with questionably sweet gestures only to bribe you with trouble after, or comforted you too well in your darkest moments among others that made your heart flutter more than it's supposed to.

You never told anyone about how on that day, you plucked out a single rose from the bouquet before secretly handing it to your dad as he cooked a quick Valentine's Day dinner for your mom. There was no denying that, even if he gave it to you under pitiful circumstances, it was still a sweet gesture. After Yeeun, he thought of giving it to you, the next immediate person and his best friend.

The red rose drank fresh water by your windowsill for three days until Beomgyu invited himself over for a cram session when you ended up hiding the flower shamefully under your bed and convincing yourself that you were just momentarily blinded by the principle of the gesture.

Though it accidentally wilted after you've forgotten about it amidst your busy high school schedule, you still keep the petals in a box under your bed as a reminder of all those moments you've thought you were starting to feel something for your best friend, only to snap yourself out of it after. You even had one of the petals made into a resin necklace by Yeji when she picked up on the hobby, wearing it everyday since without Beomgyu ever asking about it’s significance.

He just thinks you got it from the congratulatory bouquet the boys all pitched in to give when you won a sculpting competition at the university museum.

But as mentioned, you've mostly come to terms with the fact that you've known Beomgyu long enough to let a lot of opportunities to pass by, even if it pains you. Though romantic love doesn’t have to have an expiration date, you think you’ve been around your best friend long enough to know and accept that nothing is going to happen.

So to keep up appearances, you shook your head in front of your demanding friends that night at the reunion and teasingly pushed the sleeping Beomgyu to Taehyun's shoulder, much to everyone's disappointment.

"I've known him for all my life, literally. If something remotely romantic were to happen, it should've happened years ago." You grimaced before downing another shot of peach soju, that particular shot stinging a bit too much for your liking.

"But that's, like, the tricky thing with friends: you never really know when things are starting to be something else with one or both people." Sieun pointed out with a pout.

"Oh, I can assure you, it's not like that with us." You waved your hand dismissively in response before quickly going back to gathering your next mouthful of lettuce wrap. “Anyway, you guys have known us pretty well too. We just don’t match that way.”

Next to you, Beomgyu groaned seemingly in agreement as he stirred on Taehyun's shoulder, moving to lean on you again. "You're all so fucking noisy." He mumbled on the nook of your neck, hands encircling around your waist as he then pointed at the jug of water on the table. “If Y/N says it's not like that then it's not like that. So let me sleep and let Y/N eat their food!"

You shrugged at Sieun and Yunjin, smoothly shifting the conversation's focus to Sieun after before filling in a glass of water for Beomgyu as he’s requested.

"You're going to have a nasty hangover later, you know." You pointed out to him, making sure to keep your voice low knowing that he's sensitive to noise when he's drunk.

"You'll take care of me." He replied confidently with a boyish grin, more as a statement than a question. "Can I sleep over your dorm later? Hyuka won't let me in the room like this and Ryujin's already on vacation anyway."

You then rolled your eyes, knowing full well that you don’t have a choice anyway. "Sure, sure."

II. WE HAVE SHIT TASTE IN PEOPLE (AND IT WOULD BE AN INSULT TO OURSELVES IF WE START LIKING EACH OTHER)

The first time someone directly and publicly questioned Beomgyu's relationship with you, however, was at the traditional secret gathering your classmates had arranged in your two-day senior retreat just four years ago. On that night, after a whole day of tedious team-building activities and an evening of getting lectured by your teachers on house rules, most of Class 2 gathered at the boys' shared room for swiped alcohol and midnight snacks.

At that time, it was Daehwi who had asked and the context was the equally traditional game of truth or dare. When Beomgyu was picked for the second time that night, he surprisingly chose truth, prompting the question everyone has apparently been asking among themselves.

"Would you date Y/N?"

Beomgyu laughed. It was always his instinct to laugh whenever his own relatives asked the same question or when you would tell your own similar experiences but also because he saw you throwing your head back in laughter as well from where you were seated between Yunjin and Ryujin.

But what really solidifies this question as an inside joke between the two of you was the time when you watched When Harry Met Sally together at a sleepover in Beomgyu's house a year before the class retreat.

It was the classic friends to lovers romcom that you ended up watching in that particular sleepover in the first place because Yunjin mentioned that it reminded her of you and Beomgyu. So of course it had to be brought up before you could accidentally fall asleep on Beomgyu that night, you pointing to Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan before smacking Beomgyu in the head and asking the exact same question the boy would face at the senior retreat.

"Without thinking about all the gross couple shit like kissing or whatever," You gagged between your question, making Beomgyu roll his eyes and scoff. "would you date me?"

"First of all: gross—"

"That's why I said without all the couple stuff!"

"Still gross! Why would you think of that question!"

Back to the class retreat, once Beomgyu had calmed down from laughing and before Jeongin or Hueningkai could start leading the teasing on how you and your best friend reacted to the question in the same way at the same time, he said, "Y/N has shit taste in people. It'd be an insult to myself if they start liking me, even more if we do date."

You laughed even harder, repeating the words back to him. "Ya, you have shit taste in people too!"

Daehwi almost did a whole spit take with his glass of Cola while hearing your exchange. "Damn, you two are brutal with each other!"

Taehyun told Beomgyu later on that he felt as if that particular answer could be misinterpreted as the latter being mean to you. But your best friend was quick to explain that it's something you actually talked about in the aforementioned sleepover. You also backed him up on this over breakfast the next day when you sat with the two boys.

On the night of your sleepover, after you asked the question and Beomgyu was done making his teasing disgusted faces in front of you, he had said the exact same words for the first time and even elaborated on it.

And like Daehwi, you also almost did a spit take hearing it for the first time but your own glass of hot chocolate.

"You had a crush on Yeonjun two years ago before he was cool and you dated that annoying what's-her-name from the softball team who, by the way, cheated on you before you could even celebrate 100 days." The blunt 11th-grader Beomgyu said in front of your surprised face on that sleepover. "Ah, and don't get me started on that time you were swooning over that asshole Taejoon from Class 7 last semester because he sat next to you on the bus when I got the flu? You were crushing on a guy who thought he was jack shit and played with a lot of girls while I was almost dying in the hospital! Shit taste and inconsiderate!"

You and Beomgyu also did not forget to mention to Taehyun about how you almost smothered Beomgyu to death with a pillow in response, pausing the movie so Meg Ryan didn't have to see the crime you were about to do before tackling your best friend on the bed.

"Hey, Yeonjun's cool and Minji from softball really is an asshole but I didn't know Taejoon had a reputation in Class 7 back then! I just thought he was cute and really polite to the old ladies and the kids on the bus!" You retorted aggressively, smacking Beomgyu's face repeatedly with the Hello Kitty pillow he lent you for that night. "And I visited you with the boys and Yunjin after school while you were sick to catch you up in class, you ungrateful brat! I have shit taste but I'll never be inconsiderate to you!

"While we're at it, you also have shit taste, mind you! Pining after girls like Yeeun and Rina right when they start dating other people! Ah, and you dated that girl, Areum, in the 9th grade too even when everyone kept telling you that she was trying to get to Soobin through you! Shit taste and idiotic!"

Your college years would not spare the both of you from having more strings of failed romantic relationships just as much as it did not stop all the questions from friends, both new and old, about Beomgyu's relationship with you so the answer always remained the same: both of you have shit taste in people so dating each other would be somehow insults to yourselves.

But there are times, of course, when it would just be you and Beomgyu alone and, instead of the usual jokes and banter, he allows himself to be just slightly honest for the sake of his sanity and to make sure that you never feel as if he has some hidden ill-intent in always jokingly bringing up the uglier sides of your dating history.

In another sleepover at his house last summer, he didn't fight you when you decide on watching My Best Friend's Wedding and blurted out halfway, "As your own best friend, I think you deserve the best."

Though no one did a spit take this time, you did momentarily freeze while trying to tuck yourself in under the weighted blanket you were sharing. On his laptop perched comfortably on a foldable table, the movie was coincidentally at the part where Julia Roberts was delivering the iconic, "Choose Me” speech.

“I'll have to say this quick or I'm just going to have this massive coronary and then you'll never hear it and.....and....you have to. This is, by far the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life.” Julia Roberts dramatically delivered on the laptop screen as if filling in the silence. “Ugh—so dumb in fact—uh—that I can't...... oh but I'm gonna.”

“What’s wrong?” Her male lead, Dermont Mulroney, asked and Beomgyu felt like he should be asking that question to you when your silence started dragging on for too long.

When you did regain your composure, you chuckled nervously. "I-I mean yeah, I know, but...what's with that all of a sudden?" You furrowed your brows up at him.

And like he was mirroring you, Beomgyu also paused for a moment as he too contemplated on why he said it out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, Julia Roberts just continued delivering her lines flawlessly, filling in the silence between the two of you. “Michael......I love you. I've loved you for nine years. I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it and, well, now I'm just scared. So I, I......realize that this comes at a very inopportune time. But I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.” Though the sound coming in on your respective earphones was only at 75%, suddenly it felt louder the longer that Beomgyu didn't speak. “Choose me? Marry me. Let me make you happy.”

Beomgyu scratched the nape of his neck and smiled sheepishly, turning away for a second as you finally pause the movie and the light illuminates the side of his face a little too brightly.

“Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re gonna pull a Julia Roberts right now. You know—“

“What? No!"

“Then answer the question!”

"I just remembered, you know, how we always say that we won't date each other because we both have shitty taste in people and everything." He shrugged when he did explain himself, unconsciously sinking lower on the bed as he pressed his back harder on the bed frame behind you. "And I know it's a joke and all but I—I also think that you deserve better than someone like me...or Yeonjun, Soobin, Tae, and Hyuka.

“Though I guess it is hard to find someone better than us, especially me and Soobin, I think you should still look for someone who’s really kind, smart, and will never give you a hard time. You deserve someone who looks out for you and makes you feel like home but also like you’re flying.

“Someone who’s funny too but not too funny to upstage me! Just enough to get you through the dark times because you do get really stressed out these days. I—I don’t know, I guess I was just thinking about—about that, yeah…”

You relaxed your expression as he spoke, though a small pout remained. "Okay..." You pressed play on the laptop again with a laugh. "Random but okay.”

“I give my whole heart out to you in a speech and that’s all you have to say?”

“What else do you want me to say?” You scoffed and playfully nudged him away, earning you a dramatic wince from him. "With how you generally act around people I like, it's not that hard to figure out that it's because you think this way."

“Yeah but, I don’t know, maybe say it back to me too and comfort my lonely, lonely heart?” He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in response.

“I think that’s a you problem. We all tell you to just get yourself out there then you reject every person who throws themself at you.”

The boy feigned a glare next. “I’m going to kill you in your sleep later.”

“Fine.” You rolled your eyes, moving carefully on the bed to face him fully. “You deserve someone infinitely better than me too. Someone gorgeous—not just pretty!—and smart enough to keep your dumbass in check and just overall awesome, but not too awesome, of course! I’m literally the coolest person you’ll ever meet…ever!”

"Oh you flatter me, Y/N!" He exclaimed dramatically with his hands to his chest, smiling when you snorted and turned your attention back to the laptop again to press play on the movie.

Though he partly thinks otherwise—that it’s impossible that there’s someone out there infinitely better than you overall—he does agree that you are the coolest person in his life.

"You're so annoying." You mumbled under your breath and he quickly retaliated by pinching your cheek affectionately. "Ya!"

"You love me."

"I know right, how will I even find someone better than you?" You teased but Beomgyu's observant enough to understand that you only mean it halfway.

"Maybe you won't?" He teased back with a wink. "I know for sure no one's better than you."

"Shut up."

III. WE ARE EXTREME OPPOSITES (AND WE ANNOY EACH OTHER A LOT)

If you were to be asked about the things that annoy you about Beomgyu and vice versa, you both would probably need a month of preparation and a year each just to list everything you've come up with. Sure, you’ve known each other for a long enough time to be comfortable in each other’s presence but that doesn’t make everyday perfect as there are still instances when you get the undeniable urge to smack him in the head or dropkick him for being insufferable.

If you were to make a top five shortlist, however, the fact that Beomgyu has no concept of personal space when it comes to you would take the cake—pinching your cheeks, holding your hand whenever a remotely attractive person passes you by, always putting his legs on top of yours, hugging you to death, and always headlocking you when you meet up among others.

But beyond that, ever since he got comfortable with initiating skinship with you around the 3rd grade, he's also somehow managed to convince himself that he had the right to be all up in your personal business too even when you didn't want him to—from simple things like stealing your food, spamming you with messages the second you don't reply as quickly as he'd like, to always having insisting that he accompanies you whenever you mention going to a new place, online stalking anyone you find interesting, randomly popping up at the studio in the Fine Arts department, and loosely keeping tabs on people you hang out with.

There have been times, however, when Beomgyu’s nosiness has actually saved you from a date or unwanted attention in public and even comforted you. In elementary and high school, whenever you’re allowed to pick groupmates, he’s always ready with gossip about everyone’s work ethic for some reason. Whenever a creep at the mall or at a party would try to hit on you, he’s always by your side ready with a glare and all intent to report the creep to the authorities. And even when he’s a shit drunk, he’s always aware enough to defend you whenever your friends pick on you.

But more importantly, as the more reserved person between the two of you, Beomgyu’s always the one who’s forcing you to open up to at least one person when you’re down (aka him).

The first sleepover that the two of you ever had was in the 6th grade when Beomgyu invited himself over to your house and stayed up with you until 3 AM to finish a Science project your three other groupmates basically gave up on. You never asked him to do it, just complained about it over lunch once, then suddenly he was barging in your house with his own stationary and your Science teacher already notified of how your groupmates have been slacking the past two weeks.

“Why did you do that?” You pouted after turning in your finished paper online. Fortunately for the two of you that time, it was a Friday and sleeping in wasn’t going to be an issue, especially for 6th grader Beomgyu who had the tendency to sleep the whole day. “I could’ve just told Mrs. Kim on Monday myself.”

Beomgyu shrugged as he fluffed the pillows and arranged your plushies on the bed. He hasn’t had his sudden growth spurt at that time so fitting in your old bed frame was still fairly easy then. “Knowing you and how long your groupmates have been bailing on you, you’d probably chicken out if Yunjin or I don’t do it ourselves or push you to do it.”

“No—“

“You know I’m right.“

You glared at him then, standing up from your desk to punch his arm. “I hate you.”

But he only rolled his eyes. “Then next time, I’ll try to not meddle that much anymore. Just…when our classmates are taking advantage of your kindness like this again, report it immediately, okay?” He nagged, his voice soft while his expression was determined. “Even if you don’t tell me directly, I know you’ve been having a hard time with that even more this year for some reason and, knowing you, you’d rather suck it up because you think you’re bothering people when you bring it up when you’re not.”

“That’s not true.”

“Y/N.” He squinted his eyes and pursed his lips.

You scoffed, climbing in the bed and laying down on the side next to the wall. “Okay, maybe sometimes it’s true.”

“Y/N.” He repeated your name in the same tone, lying next to you with your teddy bear in his arms. "Ms. Fluffy doesn't think so and I kind of agree with her."

You rolled your eyes in response, Beomgyu catching the gesture before he could turn off your bedside lamp. “Fine, fine. I admit it, I wasn’t—I wasn’t planning to tell Mrs. Kim because I thought my groupmates would get mad and think of me as a nuisance.” You winced at the admission, lifting your blanket up to your nose.

But Beomgyu was quick to stop your hand, flicking your forehead after. “Stop doing that. You literally did half of your paper, even the parts you weren’t assigned to. You’re far from a nuisance.” He retorted, tucking Ms. Fluffy the teddy bear next to you. “And Mrs. Kim’s job is literally to make sure we’re not having a hard time learning, she’d understand.”

That time, and most times when Beomgyu would be the one nagging you, you felt like shrinking under his fierce gaze. “I don’t want to get into trouble with anyone in class—“

“I’d fight anyone off for you if that happens."

“But I can handle myself if ever!”

“Now, you’re just contradicting yourself.” He pointed out with a chuckle, settling down next to you. “Just...next time, okay? You should never suffer in silence by choice, you’re better than that.”

You had no choice but to nod in agreement and fulfill your promise that very next Monday, talking to Mrs. Kim yourself to elaborate on the incident further with Beomgyu holding your hand the entire time.

Most of the time, it's sweet and thoughtful that your best friend looks out for you out of genuine concern. You can’t admit it to his face, knowing he’ll tease you endlessly for it, but you like Beomgyu having his full attention on you most of the time and how he can literally rival your family as the person who knows you best.

But alas, there are still numerous instances when it's caused you more harm than good to disastrous levels.

At the top of your head, there was that incident in the summer before your sophomore year when Yeji first set you up on a blind date with Theo, a friend of a friend from the Vocal Performance department.

You even made sure that Beomgyu wouldn't get anywhere near your bowling date, threatening all of your mutual friends to keep the agenda a secret over message (and free food for Taehyun and Hueningkai) and scheduling the date on the same weekend Beomgyu was going to take an exam for one of his summer classes.

However, when Theo briefly left you alone in your lane to buy snacks, a familiar mop of brown hair, black hoodie, and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses suddenly whooshed in your peripheral vision, followed by two figures in hoodies you unmasked at the end of the night as Yeonjun and Soobin.

Another annoying thing that Beomgyu does is that when he’s “investigating” something—whether it’s a friend’s date or that time everyone thought Taehyun was secretly seeing someone—he always brings the same get-up of hoodie and thick-rimmed glasses along as "disguise." It's a stupid idea that first came to him when Yunjin went on her very first date in high school that he never bothered to change even when everyone started catching on, making it easier to spot him in your surroundings.

Though he didn't approach you until you approached him back in your dorms, it was still unnerving to spot him, Yeonjun, and Soobin playing five lanes away from you and your date. Their glances felt heavy on your back as the night went on.

"He was literally in two of your classes last semester. It's not like he's some stranger to you." You frowned at Beomgyu after letting Yeonjun and Soobin go with an earful of a speech of their own. Though you and Theo agreed that you clicked better as friends, you still lectured and nagged at your three friends in your dorm's communal kitchen with Beomgyu staying an hour longer than the other two. "How did you even get to the bowling alley? I thought you have an exam tonight?"

"My exam was only until 7 PM so I got Yeonjun to drive us to the bowling alley as soon as I got out. It was a celebratory thing for me too! That English final really kicked me in the ass, if you must know." Beomgyu answered with a pout, hands deep in his hoodie pockets and his glasses slipping on his nose. "And even if I do know Theo in passing, I don't know him that way. He’s more Yeji’s friend than mine. What if he was a shit dude when it comes to dates? What if he stood you up tonight or something?"

"You say that for all the people I like."

Beomgyu waved his hand dismissively in defense. "I only say that to the objectively trashy ones and the ones I don’t know enough about. Theo’s under the second category.”

"Still! You get what I mean!" You frowned as you smacked him on the back of his head, earning you a wince from him. "Gyu, once, just one date where you leave me alone. No disguises and no spam texts. Can you do that?"

There's a long pause that followed after with Beomgyu opening his mouth a couple of times only to close it back again, keeping you on edge for what felt like forever but was only for around five minutes.

He never told you what he was going to say at first or if he was even thinking of something else to say, you can just easily infer that it's different from what he actually ended up saying with the way his expression softened right before he finally spoke.

"Only if you tell me more about these things before you actually go on them. Even just the basic things are fine.” He frowned this time, crossing his arms. Even without you scanning every inch of his face, his expression easily gave away to the fact that he was thinking of saying something else but was trying his best to hold back. “I’m...I'm worried, okay? I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

"You know I can handle myself. We've been through this hundreds of times, I'm not that kid from the 4th grade who couldn't tell on my shit groupmates." You interjected, crossing your arms in front of the taller boy. "Anyway, if I ever need help, you're always the first one I'll call, you already know that."

He pouted down at you. "Sure?"

And you nodded with a laugh at his ridiculous expression, uncrossing your arms as you couldn't fight the amusement creeping up on you whenever Beomgyu tries to act cute anymore. "Positive."

So on the next two blind dates that Yeji set up for you that summer, you were pretty sure that Beomgyu only kept tabs on you through text as the hoodie and glasses were nowhere to be seen when you and your dates went out.

♡

On Beomgyu’s end, if he were to pick a top one habit of yours that he finds the most annoying it would be your tendency to hide your artworks from him until it’s finished when he’s always showing you his drafts.

Much like how you often try hiding your burdens, troubles, and blind dates from him, you often ban Beomgyu from seeing your drafts and sketches until the work itself is done which, as a fellow artist, makes him want to sneak up on you even more.

Especially when you think that you’ll be working on a particular project for a long time or if it’s in a medium you haven’t tried before, you’d often be blocking Beomgyu from seeing a peek of your plans out of a weird superstition that you might not finish anything if you hear a comment from him too early.

As your musician best friend who’s always showing you his own work even when it’s still disjointed lyrics and melodies in his head, Beomgyu sometimes thinks that you don’t trust him enough in something important as your own art. Without you knowing, it hurts him a bit sometimes because it’s as if he can’t be useful for you in that sense when you're always his most trusted critic when it comes to his music.

“It’s not like I can possibly make a bad comment.” Beomgyu insisted sometime during midterms as you talked over your senior thesis projects over dinner. It was almost 2 AM in your dorm’s communal kitchen, your mugs only half-filled with lukewarm chocolate when the boy asked if he could take a peek at your sketchbook after letting you hear some of his new music. “With you and your art? Impossible to make any bad comments I’m telling you!”

“Eh, but—“ Maybe it was the tiredness from having been up for 24 hours straight, trying to stay on top of your piling requirements, that unlike your usual response to Beomgyu’s pouting and puppy eyes, you decided to blurt out, “I just—I don’t know…I think too highly of your opinion.”

Beomgyu was effectively rendered frozen and speechless, missing the way you slouched your shoulders and hid your face behind your hair after your confession. “I—what?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.” You deadpanned, taking another sip of your chocolate next to him. At least with your shoulders touching, you couldn't see the way his expression unconsciously softened while listening to you. "It's already embarrassing enough as it is."

“But…but why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would you think highly of my opinion? It’s just me.” Beomgyu chuckled nervously, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment as he spoke. “Not like I’m a professional artist or whatever.”

“Do I really have to say it?”

Beomgyu nodded, pursing his lips. "I'm being serious right now." He pretended to squint his eyes and furrow his brows and you rolled your eyes in response.

With a sigh, you then answered. “It’s exactly because you’re you. You’re Choi Beomgyu, the annoying kid from the neighborhood who just decided one day that he’d join me at the plastic tables in the playground when he saw me drawing flowers on my mom's notepad. The one who bought me my first oil paint set for Christmas in the 7th grade because he said he noticed how much I enjoyed it in our Art class. The one who always adds more compliments to my work along with actually helpful feedback even when I ask for criticisms only because he’s too nice for his own good but he’s also very intuitive.

“You…annoying as it is, you’re kind of very important in my art and it makes me nervous sometimes to show you anything before it’s complete because I think it has to be perfect and totally not disappointing even when you first see it. I only want you to see good things from me...”

While the silence that followed felt like an hour for you, it felt like forever in Beomgyu's mind as his thoughts flew to the memories as you mentioned them.

Much like you, he can also vividly remember how exactly you befriended each other at the playground then, when he complimented your doodle of the daisy bushes by the swings because you drew them a little too well for a five-year-old with broken crayons and an unsharpened pencil. You even complained to him that you can render the flowers better if you just didn't forget your sharpener at home, leading to a whole conversation that you continued at the swings where he offered to push you for the rest of that afternoon.

He remembers that 7th grade Christmas when he picked your name for the class Secret Santa and didn't even have to read more on the wishlist below your name because he was already set on buying you an oil paint set and some brushes to go with it outside of the classroom. He knew you were saving up to buy it in the summer yourself but he also knew that it'd make you even happier to get it six months earlier so it was easy for him to take money from his own savings that were supposed to go on a new ukulele.

But more importantly, his mind lingers to a memory you didn't mention, to that day outside of the teacher's lounge when you were first filling in your college applications. While your other friends were talking animatedly about what they were planning to do after your high school graduation, you were unusually quiet next to Beomgyu as you filled out your application which quickly prompted him to ask if you were okay.

"What did you put in your program?" He had asked after, leaning his head on your shoulder only for you to cover the top half of your application with your hands. "Ya, I want to see!"

"No, it's embarrassing!" You protested, moving the form away from his peering eyes when his hand tries to reach for it. "You'll know later anyway if I pass Seoul University!"

"You mean 'when' you pass." He corrected, resting his chin on your shoulder this time before peering up at you. "And why are you embarrassed over your program? It's not the most embarrassing choice you've made in front of me."

"Ya!"

"So what is it?"

You leaned away from him and Beomgyu found it weirdly strange to be on eye-level with you while seated after he's suddenly grown almost a head taller than you over the summer. "I might...do a double degree on Painting and Sculpture."

"What's embarrassing about that? If anything, I'd be surprised if those two are nowhere near your top five options." He raised a brow almost instinctively. "Y/N, a double degree's impressive as hell!"

"It's just that..." You stumbled shyly over your words, scratching the nape of your neck. "I don't know, it's a shot in the dark. It's not like I'm that good like how you're great with your music."

"That's bullshit. You've always been talented and hardworking when it comes to your art. If anything, it's me who's always trying to catch up with you." He countered immediately, sitting up straight with a serious expression on his face. "And it's something you love and want to learn more of so why would it be embarrassing? Be confident and own your passions, Y/N."

"They might not actually see that if I don't do well in the exams and the portfolio I turn in. For all we know, I suck compared to other people."

"You literally just won a mural competition last summer." Beomgyu rolled his eyes. "Admissions would be dumb to reject you."

Looking back on that memory almost four years ago, the revelation of what you really think of him makes Beomgyu's head spin that he had to quickly snap himself back to reality when you downed the last of your chocolate and mumbled how opening up was a mistake to yourself.

"I'm going to bed." You announced, rubbing your eyes tiredly and clutching your mug to your chest.

Before you could leave the table, however, Beomgyu quickly grabs onto your arm. "Wait, wait, no!"

"I'm tired as shit. You can rub my emotional comments on my face tomorrow morning."

"It's not that." Beomgyu frowned, tugging on your arm for you to sit down again. When you hesitantly follow along with him, he then continued, "It's just...is that why you tried hiding your application form from me back then?"

"I mean, I wasn't as confident in myself then as I am now and I had my other doubts about taking the program itself but...yeah, I guess." You shrugged slowly, looking everywhere but him. "I also thought that if I take both Painting and Sculpture, I have to make you proud no matter what."

On any other day, he would've teased you for it but he knew you'd probably smack his head on the table in that moment. So, instead, he held back on a smile and nudged you gently on the shoulder. "You make me proud no matter what you do." He assured. "And, if you must know, I also think highly of your opinion on my music...I guess we just show it in different ways.

"And if you're not ready to show me some of your new projects yet, it's okay. I can wait for all of them because I know they'll all turn out great."

You then looked up at him with raised brows. "Even if I make you wait until graduation for some of them?"

"I might ask Ryujin or Soobin to take photos of your progress for me if I have to wait that long." He joked, making you chuckle. "You know, the usual."

"Sure you will." You scoffed before picking up his mug on the table and standing up again. "Dude, come on, we really have to go to bed."

IV. WE KEEP SECRETS FROM EACH OTHER

It's not to say, however, that there aren't any instances when your roles are unwittingly reversed. Beomgyu also closes himself off from you and everyone else from time to time and you naturally end up being the nosy one banging on his door and demanding for him to at least let you know that he's eating well.

It's often when Beomgyu's stressed—when there's too much work to be done, especially in his music, or when he suddenly finds himself in a problem that he unusually doesn't share with you at the first encounter.

In these moments, you usually start noticing a week before he could even lock himself in his room and isolate himself from all of your friends. Especially since university began when you'd mostly meet in the day at lunch with your friends, he'd stop pestering you to elaborate more on a story you'd tell half-heartedly but he'll still hold your hand under the tables in front of all of your friends, squeezing it more often than usual out of anxiety.

And his smile never reaches his eyes when he's stressed, the same way his laugh would be quieter, an easy giveaway that he's going through something he's decided to keep on his own.

So as someone who's noticed his patterns over the years, you let him be at first, squeezing his hand back and initiating all the jokes in the group for him to finish with the punchline so he doesn't linger too much in his own thoughts.

Then when Hueningkai or Soobin do message you that Beomgyu hasn't left his room except to go to only half of his classes, you're quick to come up to his dorm with takeout and whatever project you're working on, knowing that what he really needs best in these moments is company.

There's times when Beomgyu acts extra bratty and doesn't let you in his personal space for a couple of days, a week at most like the time he was so stressed about Toto getting sick back in your Freshman year. It takes a lot of time out of your week and money from your weekly allowance buying him food but you wait patiently by his door anyway, catching up on your studies on the hallway floor if you're at the dorms or outside his room back in your neighborhood and occasionally knocking on his door to ensure that he's still alive.

But when he does let you in, opening the door just wide enough for you to see his bloodshot tired eyes and a blanket over his head, you take the initiative to open the door wider and hug him before anything else.

You almost never initiate skinship as much as you never share things until they're prodded out of you by Beomgyu, he knows that well so that's exactly what you do when you first see him in this state. All the time.

You don't speak until he lets you go and you're allowed to occupy his space with him. Back in your old neighborhood, you would put your things on his desk next to his own and work quietly until he decides to open up to you on his own accord.

Since college started, however, things have been slightly different in that once you're in the room, you'd sit on his bed first and let him hug you until he's ready to talk. If his roommate, Hueningkai, would be there at the end of the day, you'd throw a shoe at the younger boy and ask him to come back after dinner with the promise that you'd play Mario Kart with him the next weekend.

When Beomgyu's stressed, he likes it better when it's just the two of you, your exact opposite since you'd rather have all of your close friends with you on a hangout when you're in a similar state of mind.

The most stressed Beomgyu has been in college was when he was finishing the first official album for TXT, the band he formed with Yeonjun, Soobin, Taehyun, and Hueningkai in the summer before your freshman year. It was in the second semester of your junior year, when both of you were also preparing for internship applications on top of academics and the clubs piling one on top of each other that you sort of saw this coming as soon as you felt stressed out yourself.

Beomgyu only let you in his dorm room on your fifth day of camping out, crying out his frustrations on your shoulders for almost two hours that you had to change into one of his shirts after and ask Hueningkai to bring up a whole pitcher of water for your best friend to drink over dinner.

"I—I...I just...I can't! I can't finish the songs! I'm going insane!" He exclaimed on your shoulder, his cries muffled against you but you don't mind as you continue rubbing his back in circles and reminding him to breathe. "And...and nothing's been going my way these days! Not in my classes, not in the radio show or on the soccer team! I'm just...I'm just so out of it, Y/N!"

You hummed comfortingly, carefully moving both him and yourself so you're both sitting up properly once more. You then pointed to his open laptop and computer screens on the desk across the room with a small smile, "I can see your progress from here, though. You've been doing well. You're trying and getting things done, that's what matters."

"It's not all that good..."

You shook your head almost immediately, handing him another pack of tissues you've brought with you before discarding the used ones in the nearby trash bin. "Yes, it is! I've heard the drafts before you locked yourself up in here, they're all great." You retorted, tilting your head when he buries his face in the crook of your neck once more. "I think I like Thursday's Child Has Far To Go and Maze in the Mirror the most. They're very you.

"And about your classes and clubs, just take your time with them. Soobin and I e-mailed some of your profs already, Jeongin and Tae are handling the radio show well, and I'm sure Sunwoo and the rest of the soccer team would understand your absence for now.

"For now, just do what you want to do. Rest if you want to rest. If you want to focus on the band, then that's fine too. Everything will align themselves in time, just please don't forget to take care of yourself."

"And if they don't? Align themselves in time, I mean?"

His breathing was ragged then from all of the crying and his eyes the reddest and puffiest you've ever seen them. You figured from then on that you really hate seeing Beomgyu cry in frustration the most.

"They will, I promise. They always do with you." You replied without thinking, hesitantly patting his head and gently wiping his tears with your thumbs. "And you know I'll stay with you here until you're satisfied with your progress. Or at least for a couple of days because I have tons of presentations next week."

He sniffled a bit, spraying his hands with alcohol and adjusting the blanket wrapped around him. "W-What are you going to work on in a bit?"

You scoffed, already expecting that he'd ask. "I brought a project for my Sculpture II class, if that's okay. I also brought newspapers so I don't make a mess on the floor." You answered anyway, chuckling when his eyes immediately lit up. "You've been bugging me about it so I thought I can show you the my progress just this once to cheer you up."

And as if a light switch was turned, the glossiness previously in his eyes suddenly looked like sparkles as he sat up straight. "I could smother your face in kisses right now."

"Wipe that snot off of your nose first." You pretended to cringe when he dramatically opened his arms wide and puckered his lips. At that moment, you immediately knew that he was feeling a bit better, at least. "Geez, sometimes, I think you just sulk sometimes to get me to come here and show you my works early."

"I'm not that evil!" He pouted, taking the weighted blanket off of his back and getting off the bed. "Though, now that you've suggested it..."

A pillow then quickly landed on his face. "Choi Beomgyu!"

So you spent three nights at Beomgyu and Hueningkai's dorm room, working on a bust of Yeonjun (it's a long story involving you losing a bet to him at your last group hangout) on the floor while Beomgyu finished the final edits to TXT's songs. You then go back to your own dorm room before breakfast to freshen up for your class then come back again after your classes, often around 4 PM.

And when Beomgyu finally caught up with his classes and extra-curriculars, he surprised you with an invitation to TXT's surprise album launch over a month later.

Another thing about Beomgyu is that he's strangely great with surprises, preparing elaborate plans for occasions like your birthday, the holidays, or when he's bounced back from a difficult situation right under your nose.

Initially, the boys only told you that they'd release the album after finals week and play it at the year-end school festival, the first time they would be performing a full set of original songs. Though you, Yeji, Ryujin, and Yunjin insisted that they should do a proper album launch, all five of the boys just kept saying excuses or shifting the topic to something else.

On your last official school day for that semester, however, you suddenly received a notification from TXT's social medias about a surprise album launch at a cafe you frequent with all of your friends and a personal message from Beomgyu telling you to come over 30 minutes before the show.

So in retaliation, you made sure to stop over at the nearest flower shop with the girls and surprise Beomgyu with at least a congratulatory bouquet of roses, the same size as the one he gave you all of those years ago.

Said bouquet almost getting ruined when Beomgyu hugged you the moment you entered the cafe.

"You came!" He exclaimed giddily on your neck, almost toppling you to the ground as his arms encircled your waist. "You came! You came! You came!"

You scoffed, taking a moment to regain your footing as you rested your cheek against your best friend and carefully held the bouquet behind his head. "Of course I'd come. I'm your number one fan."

"Sure you are." He feigned a sniffle before tilting his head away to press a kiss to your cheek. "But still, thank you for coming. This means a lot to me."

"I know."

"You helped finished this album."

"I doubt that. I just worked with you in silence for three days straight."

He shook his head fervently, pulling away from you fully by then and leading you to the makeshift stage across the room. "You helped me refocus and get back on my feet so I can finish everything. I think you helped big time." He retorted before picking up his guitar from its stand. "Anyway, I have another surprise!"

"I only got you one." You feigned a frown while shaking the bouquet in your hands, making him chuckle before occupying the empty high stool next to him. "I'll have to get back at you again after this."

"You're already doing so much for me coming here tonight. And you bought me really expensive flowers!" He assured, strumming the guitar a few times. When you then opened your mouth to retort, he quickly interjected, "Anyway, I wrote this song for you! I'm still thinking if I want us to perform this later but I really just want to play it for you right now before anything."

So in the middle of that cafe, while your friends ran around preparing the decorations and doing soundchecks, Beomgyu sang his song, "Nap of a Star," with his guitar on his lap and his phone with the lyrics on the music stand.

"I can see even without you in front of me. I feel you, even without saying anything. Because I believe in you, even if I'm anxious

"I can touch even without you in front of my eyes. I reach even if you go far away from me. Just by remembering you, my heart always dances like before

"I want to become your nap and dream together always as if nothing happened. The evening sunset and the darkened night sky, my heart is full of you."

He occasionally giggled and fumbled on the guitar a bit everytime he glanced over in your general direction but he finished the song with you nearly in tears, something you instinctively hid by smacking him in the arm once the guitar was out of the way.

"You jerk! You wrote that for me? Are you sure?" You exclaimed, rapidly blinking back tears. "And I only got you flowers today! God, you're making me look like a bad friend!"

He rolled his eyes, getting down from the high stool and standing in front of you. With your own chair's height, you were easily at eye-level with him as he smiled at you. "I already told you, just coming over to hear us is already enough. Don't worry about it." He assured. "Anyway, what did you think of the song?"

"It's beautiful, of course." You scoffed half-heartedly, making him chuckle. "Was that night walk in the lyrics about—?"

"That night walk at the art fair? Yeah." He grinned shyly, rubbing the nape of his neck.

Once, in the 9th grade, you had a big fight with Beomgyu over Areum, at that point his ex-girlfriend. What you both do remember the most about it is how it happened on the week before a planned trip to an art fair in the busier district of Seoul that you were really excited about.

Though you were pretty sure that you weren't on speaking terms with him that time, he still showed up at the bus stop on the day itself, prompting you to apologize to each other before heading to the art fair together.

"You were crying like shit in public that we had to move to a more secluded area because people were looking. Then, you almost choked me to death with your hug." You recalled in confusion. "Not like I was any better but..."

"I put it in because I really thought our friendship was over then." He explained with a pout. "Then the first words we told each other when you saw me at the bus stop were apologies and...ah, it's very cheesy but I just think back to that time whenever I miss you. I think it's one of those moments I remember when I think of our bond."

You smack him again, this time directly on his chest, but the tears also flow freely this time. "God, you're so...you're so poetic and annoying! And you're making me cry!"

"I take that as a win." He laughed deeply as he hugged you, one hand rubbing your back soothingly while the other cupped your face and wiped your tears gently.

"How can you even say those things without crying? We've been friends for almost 16 years, damn it, Gyu." You mumbled in his plaid shirt, hugging him back. "I-I really love the song…”

"Years of practice on how to say it properly, actually." He joked half-heartedly, rubbing your back even more and mumbling to a passing Soobin something about the last preparations for the album launch. "That's why I do all the talking for us."

V. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Your thesis for your Painting degree, you realize right before the Winter break this senior year, is the perfect surprise to get back at Beomgyu. While you've briefly mentioned that you'll have to take an extra year to complete your Sculpture degree's senior thesis, you're focusing on your Painting degree in your 4th year and have miraculously kept it under wraps from everyone including your best friend because everything's been hidden in your laptop and at the studios.

At the same time, it sort of fits. Though overall, most of the studies, actual finished works, and research you've done so far for your thesis are focused on human relationships overall, traces of Beomgyu have been slipping in here and there, reminding you that it's quite hard to paint anything about your friends or your first love without him.

He's in the series of studies you did of all of your friend groups, in a watercolor rendition of the faces you remember from your old neighborhood's playground, and even in a charcoal rendition of your favorite romance book characters as your thesis advisor suggested that you try and explore.

And he's in even more finished works and abandoned sketches way before that, some you unconvered in your old binders while researching for your thesis.

It could just be the extra hustle and bustle of your senior year, with you and all of your friends busier than ever as you work on your final year. Not to mention, you still have to prepare balancing a job at the university museum with your fifth year classes next year and Beomgyu's been busy putting out new music with TXT and discussing a junior producer position at an entertainment company.

But it's been almost a whole month since you last went to a proper lunch (one that isn't jut coffee and convenience store ramen) with any of your friends which is a whole record for you and Beomgyu, in particular. You're probably just missing the guy a bit too much these days that even just getting his daily cheer up messages has been messing with your thoughts all over again.

(Not that it doesn't mess you up on any normal day. It's just a tad bit extra now that you haven't seen his face around in a while)

So when you brought up to your thesis advisor the idea of painting a portrait of Beomgyu, the studies of which you would gift him for Christmas then remake as a proper oil painting for your thesis after the Winter break, there wasn't much of a complaint on her part.

Hell, you might even suspect that Prof Kim, a mentor whom you've also had in past studio classes, has been secretly rooting for you this whole time after years of always seeing Beomgyu randomly pop up around the department building.

"And what kind of relationship will a portrait of Choi Beomgyu represent in your exhibit?" She asked on Monday with a teasing glint in her eyes, a copy of your project research in her hands.

Your face heated up in an instant as you fumbled over your words, something you quickly excuse as a reaction related to the snow outside. "I—well...I'll figure that out later which I know is a cop out answer academically but I'll connect it to something in my RRL later, I promise!"

Prof Kim chuckled, closing her binder. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Personally, I think you already have it in your RRL and project proposal, you just need to make a more explicit mention of your friend in the paper moving forward since he'll be a subject in one of your finished works."

You nodded sheepishly, quickly gathering your things and standing up to bow at your advisor. "I'll e-mail you my progress again next week before the break!"

"No, no, it's okay! Just e-mail me after the holidays, I won't deduct grades or anything!"

A few days later, you're on the floor of your dorm room with Ryujin and Yeji cramming their own choreographies for their respective senior theses in another corner of the room while you finished your second study of Beomgyu, using your most recent photos as a reference.

The small 12x16 canvas you were working on sat comfortably on an equally small easel on your work desk, another canvas of the same dimensions drying by the windowsill next to a pile of old photos at the same time. Since your thesis would only require photos of your studies, you figured that you can give all of them to Beomgyu then make an extra oil painting of the two of you, knowing that he'd probably shy away (after making egotistical jokes, of course) if it's all just him.

"So what would the final painting be?" Ryujin suddenly asked as Yeji pauses the music for a five-minute break, approaching you as she drinks a bottle of cold water. "They're all so different."

You glanced over your shoulder and frown. "That's the thing, I'm not really sure how I want to paint him in the final work."

"Why?" Yeji asked this time, sitting cross-legged on a nearby mat.

You shrugged in response. "I don't know. Honestly, I thought if I do some studies, I'd get a clearer idea but I'm already three paintings in and I still have no plan of action for the one that actually counts to a grade." You sighed, turning your attention back to your unfinished painting.

"At least you have the Christmas gift ready!" Ryujin half-heartedly joked, sitting on an empty chair next to you. On your peripheral vision, you also caught Yeji nodding with a hopeful smile. "You don't have to paint the final work until after the break, anyway."

"Yeah, but it's the one that's going to be displayed at the exhibit at the end of the year." You pointed out matter-of-factly, carefully finishing the last layer of your painting. "And it has to be perfect."

"Maybe you can work something out over the break? You're going home to your neighborhood with Beomgyu and spending more time with him, anyway." Yeji suggested next. "Maybe then you'll have a clearer idea, hm?"

And Yeji was definitely right, as she always is, when you do go home to your old neighborhood with Beomgyu after the last official school day of the semester and find yourself hanging out in his childhood bedroom on the days leading up to Christmas much like the old days.

The idea comes to you on the afternoon of Christmas Eve almost two weeks later, when you invited yourself at the Choi's once more to listen to TXT's new songs and catch up with Toto. You sat cross-legged on Beomgyu's bed with your own earphones connected to his laptop and a live-sketch of the boy in his favorite green plaid shirt and freshly cut and dyed black hair on your lap.

Glancing over at him and seeing the way his eyes sparkled as you listened to "Way Home," it was a rather quick revelation to you that the best way to paint your best friend is in his most comfortable state. Just like this: when it's just the two of you drawing and listening to music, basking in the comfort of each other's company.

So you looked back at him again as the song transitioned to "Blue Hour," trying to take in as much of his features in that moment as much as you can. The faint sunlight coming in through the fogged up windows, Beomgyu's messy hair and skewed reading glasses, his hand propped up on his desk as he rested his cheek on his palm, his brows furrowed slightly in concentration as he worked only to consciously soften them when he looks at you, the way he talked animatedly about certain parts of the song with a boyish but proud grin on his lips.

Before you can even listen to the third song, you were already placing your hand on his upper arm and asking him to stay still for a moment.

"Why?" He asked, blinking twice while his hands go to pausing the song on his laptop anyway.

"I'm trying to memorize your face in this light." You answered absentmindedly, turning to a fresh page on your sketchbook and looking at him for a minute longer before removing your hand from him. "Okay."

"Okay?" He chuckled nervously. "What was that for? Are you going to send the mafia to kill me or something?"

You rolled your eyes, folding your knees closer to your chest to hide your sketchbook as you start anew. "It's a secret."

He then tried peering over your shoulder, moving the chair he was sitting on closer to the bed. "Are you drawing me?"

"Maybe." You teased with a smirk before pulling the sketchbook closer to your chest when he tried peering again. "Play the next song, Gyu."

Painting him in another solo portrait then on one of the two of you after that was relatively quick and easy as you finished your final gifts on Christmas Day while Beomgyu and his family went to a reunion out of town. While the last painting study, the one you'll render to a bigger canvas after the break, is him looking back at you fondly on that Christmas Eve afternoon, the additional painting of the two of you was from a candid photo Taehyun took when Beomgu played you Nap of a Star.

So now, here you are, in your room this time with the portraits gift-wrapped on the foot of your bed while your best friend handed you a late Christmas gift of his own.

"I was going to make it on my computer at first since everyone was sending in pictures on chats but then Yeonjun said that it might end up looking like the slideshows you have at funerals even with my superior editing skills." Beomgyu explained with a nervous chuckle as you unwrapped the gift, finding a thick scrapbook of all of your memories and mementos growing up. "Since everything else of you that I have—the pictures, the craft store receipts, Lotte World tickets, and everything—are all in boxes at home and at the dorms, I just thought I'd print the pictures I got from our friends and instead of scanning the things I already have then make it into a physical scrapbook.

"You did always say that you want to make one someday but we never really had the time so I thought I'd start it for you and, surprisingly, there are too many things in my own space that are yours or remind me of you."

You browse through the abnormally thick book in surprise and amusement, not even knowing that Beomgyu's kept even the simplest scraps of paper related to you after all these years. From the pictures his mom took of the two of you for every first day of school until the 12th grade to the candid photos he's taken of you over the years on his phone (regardless of how unflattering they are—you make sure to smack him in the arm everytime you come across one as you continue browsing) to notes you'd leave on his locker whenever he missed school and all the Christmas tags you've put on your previous gifts, it's the most detailed history of the two of you from when you met up until the present, complete with small captions handwritten by the boy himself.

So much so that you even linger on some of the pages you never thought you'd see, including the sketch you drew that day on the playground, the first note he passed you in class in the 1st grade, and a copy of the front page of the Science paper you crammed with him in the 6th grade.

"How did you even get some of these?" You ask, pointing to a photo of the two of you from your first Christmas together you somehow forgot existed. It was in the 1st grade when the Chois had to cancel going to their annual family reunion because of Mr. Choi's work so your families ended up watching the neighborhood fireworks display together. "I don't even think I have a copy of this!"

"That's from my mom! Also took her a long time to find on her phone." Beomgyu grins before turning to another page just full of flattened flowers, mostly daisies and roses. "And these are from all the bouquets you've bought me for recitals, graduations, and our first album launch! I kept at least one of everything because I wanted to use them in a project someday but I wasn't really sure what until I got the idea to make you a scrapbook."

"How did you even decide to give me a scrapbook for Christmas? And going through all the trouble of asking everyone we know for extra pictures? I thought you were busy with the band and your thesis?" You ask next, turning to the last page and finding a bunch of old letters and old invitations, the one from your senior prom standing out. By this point, it was hard to keep the stray tears at bay as you sniffle, making Beomgyu laugh before passing you tissues.

You went with all of your friends back then but you only danced alone with Beomgyu, somehow deluding yourself into thinking that he would confess and reciprocate your feelings.

But he never did, holding himself back from saying anymore in front of your house and simply kissing your forehead at the end of the night, and that was probably the only time you cried over the boy for that reason.

Beomgyu scratches his head and smiles sheepishly before slowly gesturing over to your wrapped gift for him. "A-Ah, well...Ryujin may or may not have mentioned something about you slaving away the past few weeks for your gift."

Your jaw slacks. "Are you serious?"

Before you could protest even more, however, Beomgyu's quick to raise his hands up in defense and interject, "Well, to be fair, I got the original idea of a simple scrapbook with everything I have way before Ryujin approached me! Then she mentioned sometime ago how hard you were working on my Christmas present that I had to up the stakes and ask for more pictures and stuff from everyone else after.

"And it wasn't that time consuming, actually! Everyone was happy to share photos and even some stories about you which I wrote in some of the entries because I thought it was sweet. Just...I want you to feel absolutely loved with this gift.

"And I mean, isn't it also nice seeing us from other people's point of view?" He points out next, flipping back to the pages mainly dedicated to photos of you and your mutual friends mixed in with photos they took of you. "It's also kind of a gift from everyone else in that sense."

You wipe another set of stray tears, making Beomgyu pout and reach a hand up to help you.

"Are you okay—?"

"I love it so much." You sniffle, smacking his arm before hugging the scrapbook to your chest. "Thank you, Gyu."

He heaves a sigh of relief, clutching his chest with his free hand. "There are still some blank pages towards the end. I figured you can put your own stuff in it if since I know you keep some things in the box under the bed." He suggests, patting the bed as if to gesture to the boxes you keep under it. "Or if you want, we can just fill it with new stuff later."

"Will you help me add in my own things?"

He nods with a bright smile. "We can do it before dinner with your parents." He then reaches towards the opposite end of the bed and picks up his gift, shaking it in front of him and asking next, "Should I open my gift in the meantime?"

"Yes, please. I can't be the only one crying right now." You nod with a chuckle, moving the scrapbook to your bedside table and helping him remove the tapes all over his gift.

"Before you make your usual complaint that it's too much, it's also actually part of my senior thesis for my Painting degree. Remember how I mentioned last time that I decided to make two separate theses for my programs? So, these are studies for one of my final paintings." You explain as the paintings come into view, Beomgyu's eyes widening and his jaw slacking in an instant.

"Woah..." He breathes, laying the canvases next to each other gently. “This is...this is amazing!"

"And there's one of the two of us. Look." You point at the last painting with a small smile. "The reference is from a photo Taehyun sent to our chat after the album launch."

"A-And...and where are the other portraits from?" He asks in a lower voice after a moment, eyes sparkling when he looks up at you again.

You gulp down any feelings of wanting to melt on the spot, pointing to each painting as you answer, "The first portrait's from a photo I took at your last gig, the second one's from last summer when we went to Haeundae beach, and the third one's from just the other day when you were letting me listen to your new music."

He points to the last one shyly, his cheeks flushed pink as the two of you look over at the painting of him listening to music on his headphones with a small smile on his face. "This was in my room?"

You nod, equally shy now that he's asking the questions upfront. "I-I just figured...you looked so warm and cozy then and that's always how I remember you so...yeah. That's also the one I'll be painting in the final work that's going in my thesis."

"Really?" His eyes widen even more, to which you simply nod once more before briefly looking away from him.

"Yeah, because my thesis is mostly on human relationships and, really, the rationale in all of these paintings is that I wanted to portray you as how you are in my eyes which is—"

Before you could even finish your thought, however, Beomgyu's oversized hoodie engulfs you and his lips land on your cheek. Then he gives you another peck, this time on a spot just slightly higher on the same cheek.

Then another, and another, before moving to another cheek. "You're amazing. I love you so much." He whispers against your skin dangerously close to your lips, almost as if he was telling you a very important secret.

And you know he means it differently than the other times he casually says it to you when he doesn't laugh excitedly between his words or jokingly force you to say it back as he would often do.

Instead, he punctuates the declaration by cupping your face gently and repeating the words again. "I love you so much. I love you the most." He sighs, meeting your gaze desperately.

And it's probably the years of knowing him that he doesn't have to elaborate on it further for you to catch on. At the same time, you feel a weight lift itself off of your shoulders at this, one that you haven't even realized you've been carrying along with you this whole time, hugging the boy back tighter with your arms on his waist in response.

“Can I?” He asks next, stroking your cheek with his thumb as his eyes momentarily flickers down to your lips.

You nod with a soft hum almost instantly, tilting your face as he closes the gap between your lips.

Beomgyu kisses you like it's the most natural thing in the world for him to do, his lips feeling comforting on top of yours as he conveys every built up feeling and all the kinds of love he’s had for you in the past 16 years and receives the same back from you.

And all negative thoughts you’ve had, worries that your best friend will never look at you the same way you’ve always hoped for him to, are immediately thrown off the window and replaced by the assurance that Choi Beomgyu, the nuisance who’s been affectionately stuck to your hip since day one, is in love with you.

"I love you." He repeats, voice muffled towards the end as he gives you another fleeting kiss before rubbing your noses together. "You know what I mean, right?"

"I love you too." You reply on your own accord, panting slightly as you fill your lungs in with air and biting your lip as you feel your face heat up after. "I outlined it out at the bottom of our painting too with my signature, in case you didn't spot it."

"Ya, I did." He chuckles sheepishly, briefly moving to sit away to put your paintings on the side of the bed. Before the space he previously occupied in front of you grows cold, his arms are back around you once more as he tackles you down on the bed. "I'll hang all of them in my dorm when we get back."

"You can't nail things to the walls then graduate. That's not how it works." You laugh with a shake of your head, encircling your arms on his neck as he props himself on his elbows on top of you. When he laughs along, something in your heart stirs happily at how the two of you could go from intimate to casual so smoothly, assuring you that nothing much is going to change—just now with more-than-friendly kisses and the assurance that your best friend feels the same about you. "Anyway, they're all small enough to go on your desk at the dorms and at the studio."

"Then I'll put them on my work desk at the studio. Everyone has to know I have a really talented partner."

"Partner?" You scoff teasingly against the sudden rapid beating of your heart, playfully pushing him away. "I'm your significant other now?"

"Didn't I make it clear enough with the kisses and the hug? Not even with the fact that I've been sticking by you my entire life?" He feigns a pout as he easily rolls the two of you over with you comfortably on top of him now. "Should we make out instead?"

Your face heats up more at the comment, eyes widening when he does press a longer kiss on your lips and even manages to open your mouth while you’re distracted. "That's also not how it works, Gyu!" You manage to successfully push him away and roll your eyes, hiding your face in his chest in embarrassment.

"Then will you be my significant other? I'll take care of you like I always have, just with more kisses! Maybe some other things too like just five seconds ago." He dramatically asks with a smirk, teasingly prying your hands away from your face. "What? You wanted me to ask!"

"What happened to having shit taste in people and dating each other being an insult, then?” You tease one last time, making him groan. "Or not liking anyone I like, hm? You’re kind of contradicting yourself here.”

"We’re contradicting ourselves. I think I know enough Math to know that negatives cancel each other out." He retorts before leaning down for another kiss and resting his head on your chest after.

"But you suck at Math.”

"Do you want help with the scrapbook or not?"

VI. (epilogue) MAYBE WE WORK A LITTLE TOO WELL

A big bouquet of red roses and sunflowers is dropped in your arms by Beomgyu for the second time in your life, purposeful this time as he follows it with a an extra daisy tucked in your ear and a kiss.

"Congratulations on the exhibit, baby!" He greets you giddily after with a grin and a soft pat on your head. "I’m so proud of you! You’ve worked so hard!”

"Ew, ew, ew, not in front of us, please." Hueningkai complains, hiding behind Yeonjun and Taehyun as you lead your friends around your thesis exhibit. “I’m a child!”

You roll your eyes, draping your free arm around Beomgyu's waist anyway as Ryujin and Yeji wander off to the portraits you made of your family while the boys approach your studies on your high school and college friends.

"I have another surprise, by the way!" Your boyfriend speaks up again, taking out his phone and placing an earphone on your left ear. "I may or may not have gotten the idea from that time you were finishing up your thesis in the studio."

"I'm fucking scared." You joke, adjusting the earphone anyway while he wears the right bud on his right ear. "What is this?"

From what you can remember of those all-nighters two weeks ago, you brought your remaining works in his studio to work with him in the same space. While Beomgyu was winding down from having just finished his own thesis and recording the demo for a new song, you were trying to work quietly in your own corner, alternating between singing TXT's old songs to yourself or mumbling about how you were going to present the written part of your thesis to Prof Kim.

You also remember making out on the studio sofa while you’re on break but you’re pretty sure (well, you’re hoping your boyfriend's not insane like that) that it’s not anything remotely related to that in particular.

Beomgyu then takes your hand, leading you to where Yeji and Ryujin are. "Let's start here. I followed your gallery's pamphlet but modified it a bit towards the end so we'll end up in the painting you made of us."

And when you do stop in front of the painting series, that of your family over the years, Beomgyu's pre-recorded voice rings through your ears.

"Hello and welcome to "Why We Work,” a senior thesis by artist and my beautiful, beautiful partner, Y/N Y/L/N." Beomgyu proudly announces in the recording, making you laugh out loud in an instant. Faint in the background, you can distinctly hear Maze in the Mirror's instrumentals playing. "Y/N, baby, are you tuning in? Congratulations on finally finishing your Painting thesis! I made you an audio guide!”

You smack the real Beomgyu on his arm as you try and regain your composure. "Ya, you brat! What is this?”

He only giggles in response, making a shushing gesture dramatically. "Shh, just continue listening in. I made it for the whole gallery."

You roll your eyes but tune in anyway, responding well to the commentary as you walk with Beomgyu and even discussing some of the works yourself live and more in-depth.

“This was really sweet of you.”

“It is sweet of me, you’re welcome.” He teases, earning him another smack on the arm.

taglist: @wccycc @4beomy

#cafeseoulmate #tomorrow x together #txt #txt imagines #txt scenarios #txt drabbles #txt oneshots #txt au #txt fluff #txt angst #txt x reader #txt x you #beomgyu #choi beomgyu #tomorrow x together beomgyu #txt beomgyu #beomgyu imagines #beomgyu scenarios #beomgyu drabbles #beomgyu au #beomgyu oneshots #beomgyu fluff #beomgyu angst #beomgyu x reader #beomgyu x you

[bleachification]

in reverence - dazai

+ dazai x reader (fantasy au)

+ chapter THREE of all that glitters is not gold (prologue please read this first!!) is here :*

ch. one: dissonance; ch. two: trojan horse (also read these before)

next chapter (4): a painting’s ire

+ author’s note: i used past tense for funsies and idk if i hate it or not so pls lemme know which u guys prefer (ok now onto the fic)

Dazai did not speak to or communicate with you for the rest of the journey. You’d think that would have been cause for relief or gratitude, but instead you found yourself feeling… nothing. Empty. Like the past few days had been nothing but a hazy dream. One that you feared you may never wake from. 

The trip was a five-day affair, a period of uneventful seafaring and mild weather. The dolphins you had seen one early morning were the highlight of your passing time. It was a pod of lively creatures that spun through the air and sped alongside the ship, each racing to be at the forefront of the group. Competitive things, they were. The freedom they enjoyed caused an ache in your chest to worsen—a feeling that you’d been in accompaniment with since childhood. 

The evening you arrived at the Empire’s capital, Yokohama City, a blaring horn sounded and the ship burst to life. Servants and workmen of all departments and status flew around the vessel in a bustling frenzy. You were ushered off the ship by an assortment of guards and handmaids, a group that tallied a total of eight people, excluding yourself. 

As you disembarked, you saw cartfuls of luggage being siphoned out the lower decks and onto the docks. The very docks that were swarmed with Imperial guards, officials, and servants. Each bore a golden insignia carved in the shape of a wolf’s head on their clothing—the seal of the royal family. It was the very symbol of Dazai’s lineage and power. 

You shifted your eyes away, only to immediately squint at the harsh sunlight. With a hand blocking the dizzying rays, you stepped forward, ready to push your way through the crowd. You were heir to their nation’s most formidable foe—respect was not a luxury you had much expectation of. 

But the moment you walked forward, a hush fell over the crowd, and a most startling thing occurred. Dazai’s people parted like the sea, carving out a path to the shining carriage that awaited you at the end of the road. 

You took another step and was surprised once again. Every single person there knelt before you, heads bowed in reverence. In respect. 

“This…” you faltered, unsure of yourself for the first time that week—since you first boarded the ship. “It is unnecessary.”

Dazai appeared from seemingly nowhere and stood beside you. “On the contrary. They are merely acting in accordance with what status dictates.” 

He leveled his gaze on you. “They treat you as they should—as a ruling half of the Kingdom. The better half.” 

Like a lion to a buzzing fly, you ignored him. Dazai frowned at your cold indifference, but decided to bite his tongue.

“Sire…” A soldier walked up to the King and began whispering in his ear, a bit frantic in his movements. Dazai’s brows knitted together, and you found yourself sorely curious about what sort of catastrophe could have made the normally nonchalant Dazai so anxious. 

A few more murmurs from the both of them and the knight was sent running off.

“Anything I should be concerned about?” You asked, your inquisitive nature got the better of you.

Dazai cleared his throat and averted his gaze as if he was wracking his brain for an answer. He finally settled on one. 

“Nothing for you to worry your pretty head about.” His tone was light; his smile big and cheerful. But you’d known this boy since the beginning of your lives. You could detect the tension in his jaw and the slight strain in his tone. Did he really think he could hide those things from you?

He hid many things, you reminded yourself. 

“A poor excuse. If you will not allow me to be informed, then just say so. There was no need to lie.” You looked him directly in the eyes as you spoke your next words, “After all, have you not done that enough?”

Dazai’s smile fell and his expression turned momentarily cold. He leaned down, so that you were nose-to-nose. You refused to flinch—refused to let him get the better of you. 

“I have done many things, Y/N. Some good, some questionable, and some bad. What I have never done is lie to you. Never,” he snarled. 

You would be taken aback at his quiet ferocity if it weren’t for the fact that Dazai had stopped being someone to fear a long time ago. Instead, you shrugged. 

“You could have fooled me.”

Without waiting for an answer, you turned and made your way down the path towards the carriage. Dazai followed behind in silence. He tried to open the door for you, but you got to it first, yanking it back with so much force the hinges seemed to protest out loud.

Dazai stumbled back just in time, narrowly missing a door to the face. “I understand your anger, but must you attempt to assassinate me on our first day back in my homeland? I am still King.”

“I am well aware of what you are. I just don’t care,” you state. 

With a roll of your shoulders, you stepped inside and took a seat on one end of the lavish vehicle. Velvet, gold trimming, and taffeta pillows made up the interior. The exterior was a whole other story—led by four white-coated stallions, the carriage was the same shining colour and gilded with gold leaves. Extravagant and dramatic—much like its owner. 

Dazai sat across from you and sighed. “You wound me.”

The carriage started to move. It was much smoother than you expected. The city lights blurred as the horses gathered speed, racing against the waning daylight. Nightfall would soon come, the setting sun in the distance was a clear indication. 

“It likely won’t be the only time,” you said. There was no remorse or sympathy to be found—you were void of them. 

“Y/N–” he started.

“Stop,” you interrupted him. Dazai’s mouth hung open mid-sentence as you continued. “I can barely tolerate your presence now. Do not make it worse by trying to converse once more. I have nothing to say to you and want to hear nothing of what you have to say to me.”

He shifted in his seat and leaned towards you, searching the planes of your face for any sense of familiarity. There was none. There were many things different about you, but many more just the same. The flickers of the old you that he saw in the stranger before him were about as fragile as glass, and much sharper. Much more… painful. 

“We are married. You can’t possibly avoid me for the rest of our lives.”

You stared at him, unwavering. “I won’t have to.”

A slight furrow of the brow was the only indication of his confusion. “What does… Never mind that. We must speak, no matter how uncomfortable it is.”

You scoffed. “Uncomfortable? I am sitting across from the man that murdered my mother. The man that I am now wed to against my will!” 

Dazai’s gaze fell to the floor at the anger rising in your voice. You didn’t stop.

“We are far past the realm of uncomfortable. You are lucky I do not slit your throat from where I sit. As far as I am concerned, that is more merciful than what you deserve,” you hissed. 

He swallowed and ran a hand through his dark hair. “That night—Y/N you must understand, I–”

Again, your irritation surfaced and you cut him off. “Understand what, Your Majesty? Will it change anything? Will it change the fact that you plunged a sword through my mother and left her bleeding on the palace grounds like a stuck pig?”

His expression shuttered, a mask swirling with shame, frustration, and restraint fell into its place. “No. It will not,” he admitted.

Your lungs stuttered at his blatant confession. You knew it to be true—saw it with your own eyes—but having Dazai confirm your fears and the abominable truth they hid behind… it was like a clamp had tethered itself to your heart and refused to let go. 

You forced any and all emotion from your expression and coolly regarded him. 

“Then whatever you wanted to say is unnecessary and irrelevant.” 

He tried to reply and voice his jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts, but the carriage had grinded to a stop and one of his own knights had opened the door for the both of you to exit from.

You had arrived at the Royal Castle; Dazai’s estate and your future home. 

You were greeted with a symphony of trumpets signalling your arrival, in pure noble fashion. A giant structure laden from stone and glass loomed over you. The palace stood in all its glory—six stories of spotless marble and glittering gold accents. It shone even in the shadow of night. 

Like always, knights lined up next to you and marched along as you entered the palace.

The foyer opens up into the second floor. Cascading steps as pristine as the rest of the palace sprouted from the center and widened into the arms of the second floor. Chandeliers hung from the painted ceilings that displayed artworks worthy of being in the holiest of cathedrals. Struck by the grandeur of it all, you almost forgot that it was the den of wolves. And you had just walked into it, with no one and nothing by your side except your wits.  

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Dazai asked, slightly breathless. If you had just turned towards him, perhaps you would understand why he seemed so awestruck at the sight of his own home. If you had just turned towards him… you would have noticed his eyes on you instead. 

“Truly fit for a King,” you muttered, gaze wandering across the statues and sculptures positioned around the room. 

Dazai smiled softly. A wave of pride washed over him as he said: “It is all yours, from now until forevermore.”

You shattered that pride within an instant. “It is not. It will never be.”

“Y/N–” He began. 

“I don’t want it. I want nothing of yours except perhaps…” You trailed off. 

Except perhaps your head on a silver platter, you thought. 

Dazai perked up. “Except what? Whatever it is, I will grant it if it is within my power. Actually, no, never mind that—tell me what it is, I will find a way to—”

Tired of his relentless energy and endless words, you briskly walked away from him toward an older looking man who stood in front of two other knights. He had long silver hair, the length was much like that of Chief Minister Kunikida. But that was where the similarities ended. Unlike the Chief Minister, the man before you was dressed in fitted armor and a cape, a heavy longsword resting by his side. He had a large build, and although his facial features were rugged and weathered, he still carried himself with an air of elegance. Like he had lived a thousand lives as a warrior and another thousand as a noble. 

“Good evening. What is your name?” You asked. 

The silver-haired man lifted an eyebrow, a mix of confusion and amusement coloring his expression. “Greetings to Your Royal Highness, I am Yukichi Fukuzawa, General of the Red Army.”

You cocked your head, faintly aware of Dazai in the background sulking. “The Red Army?”

“They are the throne’s guards. As well as the Kingdom’s first and last line of defense. The largest and strongest unit in my military,” Dazai interrupted, still sulking.

Again, you ignored him. “You are an impressive man, General Fukuzawa.”

The General’s lips quirked up into a slight smile, mirth glittering behind his eyes as he glanced over at his King. ‘You flatter me, Your Royal Highness, but I am merely a soldier doing his duty.”

“Such a shame, a handsome man like yourself off in the frontlines,” you sighed. 

“Handsome?!” Dazai squeaked from somewhere behind you. 

At that proclamation, the General let out a deep, rumbling laugh. It warmed you to the bones. “I am but an old man. You flatter me again.”

You smiled and held your hand out. He shook it, still shaking his head as his smile grew wider. 

“I think we are going to be fine friends, General.”

“I agree, Your Royal Highness,” he affirmed. 

Dazai cleared his throat violently—like a sickly cat hacking up a hairball. “Fukuzawa, why are you here?”

The General snapped his attention over to his lord, features turning serious again. “Sir. Aside from welcoming your darling spouse—”

You beamed. Dazai brooded. 

“I needed to speak with you regarding the Membrance campaign… Updates are scarce… No word back from the… Time is running out…”

You huffed. Great. More whispering and secrets that you were not privy to. 

You excused yourself as the two men whispered furiously to each other, both seemingly too lost in the urgency of the topic to care for your absence. Whatever it was must have been important, and you had to find out what it was about. 

A helpful maid guided you to your room—another luxurious suite that was situated on the palace’s top floor. From that distance, you could see the stretch of the country—all the way to the forest before the border. 

Finally alone, you pulled out your materials. A portfolio, an empty journal, twin daggers, and three vials of pure belladonna poison. 

The portfolio, thick with papers and files, was shoved into a locked drawer. You tied the key around your upper arm with a string, the item now hidden beneath the sleeves of your clothes. The daggers were strapped to your thigh with a specially-made holster, and the empty journal was laid upon your desk. The poison, glass pots of clear liquid, were arranged in a line in the back end of your bathroom medicine cabinet, hidden in plain sight. It was the one place no one but a doctor would look, and even then, you could just pass it off as misplaced cosmetics. They were unassuming and plain, and yet a small drop could fell a horse. 

You had barely shut the cabinet door before a knock sounded out. 

“Yes?”

“Your Highness, I am here to help you prepare for dinner,” a girl’s voice rang out. 

You allowed her in, although begrudgingly. The last thing you wanted was to have dinner with the King. 

The young girl flitted around your room, running around with a mountain of clothing selections in hand, not to mention the shoes and accessories.

“Surely such fineries are not required for mere dinner?”

She blinked. “Um… Your Highness, are you unaware of tonight’s event?”

Your left eye twitched. “Event?”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

“What event?” You dreaded the answer.

Again, the girl blinked. “Why, your welcoming banquet, of course.”

Forget the poison, you were going to strangle your groom the moment you set eyes on him tonight. 

The maid continued her busybodying—powdering, fitting, draping, bathing… the works.

As she sat you in front of the mirror, ready to finish your makeup and help you into the final attire choices, she asked: “Does Your Highness have any preference on visuals tonight?”

You stared at yourself in the mirror. A vacant shell stared back. 

“Make me devastating.”

hiiiii tags: @letsliveagaintoday​ @zjarrmiii

#dazai osamu #dazai #dazai x reader #dazai fic #dazai angst #dazai x y/n #bsd #bsd fic #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs fic #fukuzawa #bsd fukuzawa #fantasy au #dazai au #dazai fanfic #enemies to lovers #lovers to enemies #x reader #angst

[thatlovinfeelin]

Flightless Bird | four | Bradley Rooster Bradshaw X OC

Synopsis: Josephine Wilson Miller is alone for the first time in her life. She got married after her first year of college and became a housewife, but that life is gone now. So she runs to San Diego, to her childhood best friend Jake, where she meets the man who could very well be her salvation.

series warnings: unplanned pregnancy, just pregnancy in general, talks of infertility. past mental and emotional abuse. anxiety. talks of women's reproductive systems (idk)

“You need to eat something,” Jake told Josephine less then ten minutes after she walked back into the house, “I made my mom’s old chicken broth.”

“Is it a peace offering?”

“No, that would be the cookies in the oven,” He said softly, “But for the record, Jose, I really am sorry. I crossed a line, well I crossed a few actually.”

“Yeah you did,” She replied, slowly taking a seat at the small kitchen table. 

Her feet were starting to hurt. She was sure they were starting to swell too. The first of many things that would change over the next couple of months. She wondered just how many things would change. 

“Nice and warm,” Jake set down a bowl of broth in front of her, “I even called my mom to have her talk me through everything, didn’t tell her exactly why though.”

“Thank you.” 

For more than just the broth, Jake knew that. There were some things that just didn’t need to be said between the two. They always seemed to have a deeper understanding of one another, it always annoyed their other friends during their school years. 

“Just eat up, will you? No way in hell you’ll be malnourished while you’re under my roof,” There was a hint of humor, but a lot more love. 

Some of the few people they were still friends with from high school always found it weird that Jose and Jake went from fucking like bunnies their junior and senior year, to somehow loving one another like family. There was nothing romantic left between them, not an ounce of attraction like that. But for Jose and Jake, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. They trusted one another, that’s why they loved the way they did in high school. Because they trusted one another, they could love the way they did now. 

“Think we should probably leave out the fact we used to date,” Jose shrugged, “I’ll already hear enough from Michael when it comes to the divorce, don’t need your friends here judgin me too.”

He nodded slowly in agreement, “I mean, Phoenix knows. She laughed her ass off for a while, actually. I could handle all of the shit jokes from the guys, but I don’t want that for you. Some things are better left in the closet.”

“Cheers to that,” She took a small spoon full of the broth, “How much does she know about us?”

“Just about everything, aside from all of the details about your situation,” Jake answered, “As promised, that stays between us until you say otherwise. You call the shots.”

“I feel like you’re waiting to shout from the rooftops,” She rolled her eyes. 

“I’m just being excited for you until you can be excited for yourself,” He shrugged, “I mean, remember the stupid parenting project we did our senior year? I would’ve failed if you weren’t so amazing. That baby is pretty damn lucky to have you as a mother.”

“You and I both know this isn’t an ideal situation, so don’t try to make me feel any better,” She sighed, “But you were right when you said I can’t admit it. Because then it becomes something I could lose, and I didn’t even know this was possible until that stupid test came back positive. I took five more just to be sure. If I say it, then I have to really care, and if I care it’ll ruin me if something happens.”

“When is your first appointment here?”

“End of the week. My doctor from New York set it up, it’s an old colleague of hers. I’m supposed to go twice as often as a normal patient with my…condition. I’m more than high risk.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Jake assured her, “You aren’t alone anymore.” 

She nodded slowly, eating more of the broth. She liked the feeling of the warmth in her empty stomach. It reminded her of cold winter days spent at Jake’s childhood home. His dad might’ve been an ass, but his mother was the warmest most loving person Josephine ever met. 

“This is really good, by the way. You did good.”

“Oh thank fuck,” He sunk down in the chair across from her, “I was shitting a brink the whole time, thinking I was gonna fuck it all up.”

“You didn’t, I promise.”

“Good, because I accidentally made a shit ton,” He admitted. 

“Well, lucky for you, I have your mom’s actual soup recipes saved in my phone. Plus, I don’t need step by step instructions,” She joked, poking his shoulder, “Really though, I can’t thank you enough Jake. I mean it.”

“Well, you don’t need to thank me, as long as I’m the godfather,” He shrugged, “I’m only half joking.”

“We can talk about it later.”

A week later, Jake was out with Phoenix while Jose was setting up the guest room. Though, Jake swore the room was now Josephine’s. She wasn’t going to stay there forever, so it wasn’t her room. Just a space she was occupying for a little while. 

She glanced out of her window to see Bradley, or Rooster whatever he really wanted to be called, walking towards the house. She glanced down at herself quickly, she could potentially start to somewhat show any day now, according to her doctor. Though, she supposed to anyone that didn’t know her she would just look bloated. The heavy sweatshirt she was wearing worked to conceal anything that could be amiss though. 

She slipped out of the front door in time to catch him walking up the front porch. Bradley’s cheeks were tinted pink and he had those same sunglasses on again. They looked old, Jose wondered for a moment if he found them at a second hand shop. Maybe he would tell her where. She liked more vintage pieces. 

“Hey, there you are. I was just coming to check on you.”

“Here I am,” She was nervous, rocking on her feet.

“Do you want to go to the park for a bit? Phoenix and Hangman probably won’t be back for hours,” He offered, a hint of a smile under that stupid mustache. 

Jose hated mustaches. Michael tried to grow one once. He swore it would make him look older and more distinguished. It looked horrible on him. After that he tried to grow a beard to match, but he just couldn’t manage it. The little bit of fuzz made him look like a child, or a laughingstock. Maybe even both. She hated them because they reminded her of the fights that came in the weeks that followed. 

But Bradley…god how could something she hated look so right on him? It was like he was meant to have a stache. Like the simple bit of facial hair completed him somehow. She wasn’t sure if she could even imagine him without one, or if he would even look right. 

“I promised Jake I would stay in the house,” She replied quietly.

He took a step further, suddenly becoming worried, “Is this him being too overprotective? Because if he’s forcing you to stay here-”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that,” She interrupted with a shake of her head, “I’ve been feeling a bit sick, I’m not supposed to exert myself at all. So, walking like that is out of the question.”

A half truth. Her doctor recommended limiting it to one walk a day, especially since Jose hadn’t been able to keep down more than one or two small snacks here and there. She was worried that with all of the movement around the house today, she would be risking too much. Jose couldn’t yet admit it to herself, or anyone else for that matter, but she already cared about this tiny little baby more than she ever thought she could care about another human being.

“Are you,” Bradley started to reach for her before he stopped and took a tiny step back, “Are you okay?”

She thought about it for a second. There was no simple answer to his question. Because yes, she was okay, but at the same time she wasn’t. She heard a heartbeat at her last appointment. Jake wanted to put the pictures on the fridge, until he realized that meant anyone could see and he knew Jose didn’t want that. He settled for slipping one in his wallet instead. Jose saw the baby, her baby, for the first time. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the last appointment. It was easier to detach herself from the blurry pictures they printed out. But seeing it in real time, seeing the heartbeat and the little tiny movements that she couldn’t feel yet…that was harder to deny. 

“I will be,” She finally replied, “I’m supposed to meet with a divorce attorney soon. I never thought I would actually be thankful for a divorce. Thank god my mama doesn’t know.”

She watched as Bradley’s face changed, a few times actually, but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all. Maybe she shouldn’t have brought up the divorce, but the sooner that was over the sooner she would be able to really breathe. She didn’t realize how much she wanted to be rid of Michael until the park the other night. 

“If I was in your place, I think I’d definitely want to talk to my mom about all of this,” He sighed. 

She swallowed a large lump in her throat. She didn’t know what it was there, or why her heart felt like it was going to sink all the way to her feet. But the way he looked now, well it made her feel like someone was going to punch her square in the chest. 

“Not every mom is a good one,” She was so quiet he almost didn’t hear her, “My mom…well I think she was always too worried about what the church thought, you know? Everything always had to be just so. If it wasn’t, well that was a very bad day. I think she was so caught up in all of that, that she didn’t know how to love her own daughter right.”

“And you father?” He seemed almost scared to ask. It didn’t matter to Jose, the word didn’t mean anything to her. 

“Don’t know. She never talked about him, she still won’t. I don’t know if he died, or left…hell I don’t even know if she knows who he is. She’s worked hard to stop being the person she was before I was born, and here I am being the exact same. Only I know who-”

She almost said she knew who the father was. She knew, but he didn’t want any part in this life they made. She snapped her eyes shut. She brought a hand up to wipe across her forehead to move hair out of the way before getting her mind back together. Move on, deflect. 

“The rules haven’t changed though, Bradley,” She said, opening her eyes again, “I’m still off limits. And as much as I appreciate you coming to check in on me, you shouldn't have. I’m fine, and I’m pretty sure you would be able to tell if I wasn’t because Jake would be unbearable.”

“I’m not scared of him, you know? I’ve handled him for a good few years before you came around,” Bradley joked. 

“Pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be fighting with the guy flying next to you,” She raised an eyebrow, “I think that’s bad tactics. Plus, I don’t think your superior officers would like it very much. So, I’m going to go back inside and you’re going to go back to your house, and once again we’ll pretend like this never happened.”

He seemed to laugh silently as he shook his head. But he still stepped backward down the steps, “You know, I’m not sure if I like being your dirty little secret, Miss Josephine.”

He was joking, she knew that, but she felt her heart sink again all the same. She took one step back towards the door, hand reaching out for the handle, “You aren’t my dirty little secret, trust me.” 

I already have one of those, she wanted to add. 

Before she could do or say anything else, she slipped back inside, firmly shutting the door behind her. With a long sigh she leaned against it, her mind might as well be scrambled right now. The change in hormones, along with everything else was enough, but something about Bradley made it ten times harder. 

“I’m trying to do right by you,” She said softly, talking to her baby for the first time in three months, “I’m trying not to be like my mama, I don’t want you to grow up with me sneaking men in and out of your life. But he is making it really damn hard, so please don’t hate me if I fuck this up. Because he really makes me want to fuck up.”

#bradley bradshaw #bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster bradshaw imagine #rooster bradshaw #rooster top gun #top gun #rooster fanfic #bradley bradshaw imagine #top gun maverick #top gun imagine #bradley bradshaw x reader #top gun x reader #bradley bradshaw fluff #bradley bradshaw x female reader #jake seresin x reader #jake seresin imagine #jake hangman seresin #hangman top gun #hangman imagine #hangman x phoenix #flightless bird #stepdad rooster

[williamaltman]

Life is Strange 2 thoughts/feelings/review

So, Life is Strange 2. I finished the game yesterday and watched the other endings today. Things are not as fresh in my mind as if I had just finished and I talked a bit about it in other places so this feels a bit hard, but I'll try to lay down all my thoughts...

First of all... All my homies love LIS2, fuck you if you don't like LIS2! Seriously though, for years I've seen people say that the game wasn't good, that the characters weren't as good as the ones from the first one, that the Sean/Daniel relationship wasn't that interesting... I kinda did suspect it was just nostalgia goggles or whatever, but now I know for sure. I don't think there's anything wrong with connecting more with LIS1 and having a deeper relationship with it, but in this case I think you shouldn't even be comparing them and expecting the game to live up to that to you in the first place.

Now, onto the actual game. God, this was so fucking heartbreaking. I think I cried in every single episode. The very core premise of the story is just so sad, so unfair, and despite the powers so rooted in reality that it left me legit feeling uncomfortable with how fucked up their whole situation was. There are good moments, sure, but honestly every single thing that happens from the moment their dad is shot is just... Not how their life should've had to be.

Sure, LIS1 and BTS had dark themes too. But here, it's like, they lose everything from the beginning. Sean doesn't get to go to his party, to hang out with Lyla, to continue his normal life in any way. Daniel loses a part of his childhood. They're both forced to grow up so much faster than they should. There's a line Sean says in episode 3, and it's just a little idle VO, but it fucking crushed me, "Stop overthinking. You're not a teenager anymore". Even though he's fucking 16... He's 16 and he has to essentially become a parent. I knew what the game was about and lowkey followed it a bit when it was releasing, knew a few spoilers, but that didn't make anything any less heartbreaking.

I thought it was beautiful how the game took the opportunity to showcase and celebrate alternate lifestyles. The "family", Away, their freedom and how they interacted with society brings so much into perspective. I'm still a bit conflicted about Karen tbh, but I'm glad that at least they did show something beautiful through her story.

My biggest problem overall is probably how they handled the Finn romance route... I knew back when the game was releasing that despite adding a male LI, they pushed the female one more onto you and gave her more content, while locking the option to kiss him with a "bad choice" (I didn't know what exactly it was). And yeah, that is still true. I still think it was a mistake to lock the kiss with accepting the heist, and while I kinda understand the writer's explanation for that, I still think it could've been handled in another way, or they could've just let him kiss you and "betray" you by doing the heist anyway, since he still does that when you're friends lol.

I see people complaining that because they moved from place to place each episode, there wasn't enough time to connect with the characters... Idk if I'd say I disagree, but it just wasn't really the case for me. I was very invested in all the relationships, in Finn, Cassidy, Jacob, Chris, Karen. Everyone at the farm was cool and everyone in Away too. Lyla. You get so many tidbits about the characters even when they're not there on screen. The only thing I have to say which is kinda related to that, is that I think the time jumps were maybe a bit too big, and that the way they handled Mushroom was... weird.

I got the Parting Ways ending, and I'm satisfied with it. I kinda planned to get it, but only in the sense that I was spoiled that you get with Finn there. I didn't know that the whole morality thing had anything to do with it, and I played the first two episodes without even knowing that there was a points system about that and about brotherhood. I just made all the choices that were high morality (besides killing the cougar and the heist) because it was what I would do, and tried to be a good brother for Daniel. I figured that choosing to cross the border would most likely give me that one, but I just couldn't accept Sean having to go to prison for 15 years for something he didn't even do. If we were able to choose between Parting Ways and Blood Brothers, then I would actually be conflicted about which I wanted.

With the way the game's system works though, where you need to have low morality to get Blood Brothers, I couldn't really do it. I can't imagine myself teaching Daniel to be selfish and not care about killing people. I actually think it's super cool to watch Daniel use his power offensively and fuck shit up, but it just wouldn't be my version of the story. It's funny because, if we just played as Daniel, I wouldn't mind going that route. But since we play as Sean, with it being our job to raise Daniel, I feel a different kind of responsability towards leading him to become a good person. I also think it's beautiful that he gets to have the rest of his childhood, teenagehood, and live a "normal" healthy life with his grandparents. He does it in the redemption one too, but as I said, that just screws up Sean too much.

So, I'm a little disappointed that they're separated (and maybe can't ever see each other again? I'm a bit confused about Daniel's situation and whether he could visit), and that it's a bit shorter than the others (at least than the redemption one), but it IS the ending my playthrough led to and in that I'm satisfied.

I think this story is just incredible. It touched me so much, and the fact that some people can't see it genuinely frustrates me. The people complaining it's too political in particular can just go fuck themselves. It might not be perfect, but like with all things I appreciate, I'm just so glad it exists.

#life is strange 2 #life is strange #lis 2 #lis2 #sean diaz #daniel diaz #finn mcnamara #sean x finn #rambling #review

[faithfromanewperspective]

sugar coated brain (the fluid ain’t to blame): unraveling Conor Aurelian

I don’t know if this is me admitting to have read embarrassingly little in terms of Actual Books since I turned 18 but. Wow. I loved sword catcher, and for once I was there eating up the plot rather than only relating to the characters so much I was obsessively hoping for a happy ending for them. 

I’ve said before that sword catcher was good, so good it’s almost above fandom discourse (like a Beethoven symphony perhaps, you think twice before making arrangements of a masterpiece like that) but even the best symphonies deserve, actually they’re honoured by, critical analysis of the phrasing and melodies and that which are used. And this is a Cassandra Clare book after all. The beauty comes from beautifully (read: realistic, somehow more human than real humans idk I’m blown away every time) constructed characters, and then from the plot. Which was character-driven and so, so delicious, but we’re not talking those kind of spoilers this early in the game. 

While I’ll admit that Kel was the most relatable character, followed by Lin or maybe Ana, there were some things about Conor that just cut a little too close in ways I hadn’t thought about in years. Taking me back to some worldbuilding of my childhood, a ‘reluctant princess’ I came up with based on feeling trapped and overprotected and that fantasy world has long since been archived in my head and it’s entertaining to think this weird kid in western sydney who didn’t get to run quite as wild as some of the other kids (but still did get to run quite wild) felt like that when we were the furthest thing from royalty. I didn’t expect to be reminded of that in an adult fantasy book, but here we are, and I’m being entertained to see all the different takes on Conor: some driven to fascination, some to annoyance, and somehow in the 5 of us who’ve actually read sword catcher already everything in between. 

But let’s be real for a second: who hasn’t heard the ‘oh you can’t be depressed you have everything you need’ and been like. Really hurt by it?? Who hasn’t sat among know it all adults in their younger years who would just judge the hell out of other young people who supposedly ‘never got to hear no’ and now they have ‘no resilience’ and ‘no wonder they’re having problems’? Referring to people you actually relate to and thought, well this definitely isn’t a safe space to be vulnerable I’ll just suffer in silence? I’ve grown up enough now to see Lin’s trauma behind the way she says this about Conor but part of me is still a little mad at her. As for Conor?? He’s everything I’d expect from someone in his position and I actually don’t think the majority of it comes from ‘never hearing no’ and ‘getting everything he wants’ but rather the things that those try to make up for: a lack of real autonomy over his life, not being allowed to feel Normal Child Feelings, having no one he can relate to and see as an equal, a heavy burden of responsibility before he was ever old enough to understand it, and the many levels of fuckery that’s all done to his parents making them not just emotionally unavailable but frivolous, trying to maintain their own autonomy and connection doing silly little rich people hobbies that just make the divide between and resentment of them vs Every Other Person greater (constant stargazing or Decoration and Control). Sugar-coated brains: how could they not be when everything revolves around you but there’s so little you can actually do but pursue the pleasure you’re told you’re entitled to? 

I didn’t expect to be this mad at the royal family culture within SC but when I look back on it I’m not surprised. Not when the setting of the book is on the edge of a revolution, the unraveling of a society that feels so much like today and allows me to zoom out in a way that makes my little revolutionist heart happy. But oh, the angst and the bad decisions as the world teeters on that razorblade. The lives that are lost in the fray. I don’t know what’s happening in our world now but after Cast Long Shadows and an arc I know that she’s proud of (our dear Matthew Fairchild) I do trust Cassie. And in the meantime I’ll let her convince me of what I already know: the lives of nobility are simply pawns in a much bigger game no one (except maybe Ana) knows how to take the reins of, and the life of a pawn, no matter the luxuries, is a sorry life indeed. 

This little revolutionist brain of the 2000s had one thing right, and I feel vindicated to see it in such clarity here: the relationship between social class and genuine connection. From the stark contrast of the opening with Cas and Kel, even also Mari and Lin, against the disaster that is the royal family, it couldn’t be clearer to me: when you’re nobody, when there are no expectations of you, you can be who you really are. Maybe not in the eyes of the authorities, and that’s an important distinction to make, but there’s no need to pretend around your nearest and dearest and sometimes that’s worth so much more than hypothetical safety. Because yes you can get away with things when you’re rich but you’ve also got more people trying to assassinate you for who you are specifically rather than just running the risk of getting killed because you’re unlucky and too unimportant for anyone to think you’d be missed. When you’re royalty (or just have parents with really high expectations or are a gifted kid even) you’re given a mold to grow into and no one really asks if that’s who you really are: why would they, when their worldview depends on you being exactly who they want you to be? So if you’re not it you pretend and even with those, like your children, who are close enough to see behind the ruse, you never quite show them who you really are either. You can see how that would drive one insane. You showcase that the only way to exist is to mask until you snap, or lose the ability to be yourself at all. Which leads me to the second type of sugar coat. 

(And I’m quoting songs as my inspo behind this post as always, title quote is empty wallets by 5sos and I’m about to move onto sugar coat by little big town aka the band with an irl fairchild in it): this sugar coat is politeness and etiquette. There’s a quote somewhere in Kel’s narration I believe that I can’t find but basically views social etiquette and the like as you know. War strategy or something, which is another little segment of the reminder it’s cassie writing this and there’s a lot of accidental neurodivergence, or neurodivergence existing in a world so very different to ours, because that’s a very neurodivergent way of viewing it imo. And in this case, the sugar coat is like a constructed mask you spend your whole life trying to perfect, wear it as it’s handed down from your predecessors: in Conor’s case, lilibet (passed down from my mum, she wears it so well, put it on my shoulders said it’s colder out there than you think/would I recognise myself, would anybody else, if I took the damn thing off and burned it up?) who does make the frivolity and politics of being queen into her whole personality. She’s equally a pitiable and annoying character for that. 

But as for Conor? He’s a Cassandra Clare Created (TM) young man. Of course he can’t quite manage this kind of sugar coat business. The politeness, the etiquette, the little social dances: he longs for real connection (and now we’re back in empty wallets territory, get you high when I’m high, so we see eye to eye: to me this sums out how he makes connections with those who are nowhere near his equals but he wants to have some sort of equal footed connection with: Kel and *[redacted minor spoiler, see below cut]). He’s snapping from the pressure of it, and that’s exactly the kind of driving force for the narrative Cassie uses excellently. We see him coming undone, and hate it (or at least I do) but hope maybe, maybe it’s the path for liberation for him from the life that’s obviously making him (more) depressed (than he otherwise might be), and as the audience we don’t care if the kingdom burns down for this, as long as it doesn’t cause too much collateral damage. And we know it’s going to be a wild ride to get there. 

I don’t reckon this is obvious to everyone else but it is to me, with my experience of Christianity and life and just everything that if you’re a leader in any way, you’re a better leader for being liberated in yourself, having autonomy and appropriate boundaries and Conor has none of that and he’s coming undone and yes there’s a lot of other characters (who I will post about later) with their own arcs and A LOT going on (seriously it’s so deliciously complex and so much more so than tsc ever was with maybe the exception of tec which is kind of adult fantasy anyway). But oh. She really knows how to deliver, all through the first book and I can’t wait to see what the next one has to offer!! And to me the characterisation of Conor is just proof on how expertly the whole world of Castellane and it’s stories is being carried out. 

BIG GAP CAUSE CUT ISNT WORKING

*and Lin later on, kind of

tagging: @daisymylove and feel free to mention anyone who might like it in comments/reblogs!

#sword catcher #cassandra clare #conor aurelian #I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE IT UNSPOILERY #and genuinely don’t think it is?!? #not spoilery #I checked again #sword catcher deep dives #<-is that a new tag I see?

[noodleblade]

Miscellaneous Tag Game (stolen title <3)

thank you bestie:3 @searchingfortheuniverse I'll be working on this while im on and off phone calls~

A band you don’t like that many others do: UM idk...my music taste is all over the place and I really only know the bands i think?? oh- maybe Mother Mother, only because I have not bothered to listen to their music past Junkrat hype videos and that's probably tainted my view a little. For better or for worse.

A childhood memory that you remember vividly: during a summer in greece, idk how, but I got roped into selling watermelons off the side of the road. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7, but I remember I would put the watermelon in a plastic bag and the farmers thought it was really funny because that's such a...united states thing...to bag 1 whole watermelon in plastic. Anyways, they paid me in cucumber slices with salt.

Least favorite animal and why: HUH LEAST. I'm not a huge fan of like reptiles? Specifically those smaller than a bread box. Too fast, too squirm. Im worried I'll crush them in my hands. (im thinking of specifically florida geckos...idk they are cute but i freak out trying to hold them).

Hot fandom take: just because something is popular and fandom-wide accepted doesn't mean it is good. and not agreeing with it/wanting to engage in it doesn't mean you or your own opinions are bad. the monopoly on accepted 1 true canon is boring.

Do you wear any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece: I try an rotate my jewelry around but I'm usually wearing a few rings, a necklace and a pair of earrings. My favorites are the rings. They are my mom's old ones and I typically wear the same two every day. One is a gold key of greece and the other is a thin black bar but the sides have really small thin heart cut outs.

A movie others liked but you didn’t: HMMMMM probably the new star wars trilogy. felt unnecessary and i just didn't like it? big shruggies

Three things you love about yourself: my writing- its something that I enjoy the most in the world and something that I can claim as mine. I also think I'm pretty funny in a sillay way which is poggers. I like my openness to trying things. Think that's helped make me more well-rounded. I hope so at least.

A place you hope to visit in the future and why: HMMMMM. I want to visit Japan again. For a new place, I want to go to South America. Peru maybe??? Mexico would also be nice. So that's what I'm gearing up towards next.

An actor that gets on your nerves and why: Uh Matt Smith? No reason behind this. but I see his block head and kind of just look away.

Things you’re excited for in the nearby future? I have a lot of little house projects I finally feel like tackling which is exciting. Ive lived in my house for almost 2.5 years and still havent felt like parts of it are complete yet.

Least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in: oof I lowkey kind of hate saying things I don't like on here. bad experiences in the past when people were upset I didn't like a thing they did and got mad at me. But uhhh not the biggest fan of most rodimus ships? but I think mega/rod is my least favorite of them. sorry!

What’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in? hahaahahahhahahah can you believe Game of Thrones wasn't the most toxic???? it was jjba. I got put on a ban list which was kind of funny. I also got kind of show-ponyed in a toxic discord server for a while which has completely ruined me in the ability to act normal on discord outside of my irl friends. that account is deleted but the ao3 is still circling around.

List three things you find beautiful about life: Friends and family- sometimes I want to kill but I really do love them so so much. I like creating things and creating things with people. I also really like my area as far as nature goes. the beach to swamp ratio sings to me.

Any dreams for the future? I want to go on a really long hike. Maybe like a 2 day one? (< says the person that has gone on a max 2 hour hike before). Also just working on my original fiction again. I miss those fellas.

How are you really feeling today? Motivated!!!! Im a little groggy still, but I've been really excited about life and betterment lately so its overcoming my sleepy brain.

Tags: feel free to do or not: @honkytonka, @elmonstro, @huanted-dennys, @feral-birb-husband, @solarstormstuff @anyone else who wants to!! I'd be happy to read them:3

#tag game #me stuff

[good7luck]

My quick ramblings about VNC manga chapter 62 part 1

(more under the cut)

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Time flied again, and now ch 62 part 2 is coming or already out XD so I'm roughly writing some bits at least asdfg

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I wrote some depressing prediction for this chapter, and I'm glad things didn't go that (physically violent) way, especially for Noe :) Vani stood up (as he should, cuz he is part of the cause) and "solved" the problem...by being verbally violent asdfg Anyway, I still feel something similar to that might happen at some point, though ^^;

I'm anxious about Johann for several reasons, but for now...I feel so sorry for him that he had to perform that much to "smoothly" solve(TM) the uncomfortable situation and protect his family ;_; I just...don't know what (proper words) to say, and I hate it :(

I'm happy to be quite right about Riche X) It's a huuuge shame that the anime completely cut out her cute interaction with Noe in the Catacombs :/ It wouldn't have taken too many minutes ://

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a little or a lot negative from here, with some potentially triggering words

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Apparently...some people think it's a bad / problematic writing decision that "white" Vani enlightens "black" Noe about "racism" towards Dham...as if the narrative / context was meant to mock Noe or such?? Also, as if similar situations (not just about racism) never happen in real life?? Honestly, they seem to be the ones who are somehow obsessed with the skin color tone of fictional characters the most lol

Like...did Vani have to leave Noe ignorant as he was, then? Was there any other "better" person (ex. "black" Dham) to explain "better" at the moment?? It doesn't even look like what Vani said was particularly wrong, either - especially compared to the situation when Luca "explained" to Vani/Noe what the Book of Vanitas does(TM), and then Vani got annoyed and tried to fix his (Luca's) wrong idea/info (not to mention Blue Moon clan is a discriminated minority as well).

For some imaginary example in regards to real life - it's said 99% of people are allosexual and only 1% are asexual in the world. It may happen that some asexual person never realized oneself being asexual and suffered from it for so long alone, and some allosexual person who happened to know a lot could notice what's going on and introduce "asexual" to the asexual person in a sincerely kind / helpful manner, "saving / freeing" the one, even.

Isn't it a good thing to learn about something "new" that is necessary "in any way (not offensive!!)", rather than staying behind and unintentionally repeating the same negative situation, if not causing worse things? Not everyone is lucky to get to know something or everything "naturally" or "normally" by a specific "proper" age.

Besides, Noe is understandably ignorant (like us readers / audiences) in canon from the beginning, with all his unfortunate, traumatic, and isolated childhood backstories and extremely limited interactions with other people... Noe's such huge, naive ignorance indirectly tells something about the "Teacher" Shapeless One as well! which is quite subtle from MJ-sensei XD

IDK now I'm curious if they called it a bad writing, too (and called MJ-sensei racist), when "black" Noe turned out to have been treated as a chained slave / property in the black market and "taken" by "white" Shapeless One...as if it's all meant to look "pure positive"? What about the scene where "white" Domi put a chain on "black" Noe's neck? Was it only great because it's "female dominant"?? lol :/ I also remember that not so long ago - "white" Misha enslaved "black" Noe and violated him in multiple, stressful ways (including the rapey blood-drinking)...and yet, the fandom mostly felt so sorry for the "white assaulter" Misha much more and got sooo disappointed / mad at the "black victim" Noe for "daring to" fiercely fight back and hurt his face, NOT "gently" pushing him away or (just forgetting about kidnapped Domi his important childhood friend and) "angelically" understanding him (the abuser) and "eagerly" protecting him as a "mere obedient black slave" of his "poor young white master" aka Stockholm syndrome lol =_=

.

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This was not going to be this long and this petty, but it happened midway, sorry asdfg

Thank you for reading my subjective opinions so far!

#vnc spoilers #vanitas no carte spoilers #vnc #vanitas no carte #vanitas no shuki #les memoires de vanitas #the case study of vanitas #memoir of vanitas #not tagging anyone #good7luck

[merrymorningofmay]

Uncommon OC Questions: 1, 8, 38, 40, D and E for the jsamn trio please (if that's not too many xD)

omg omg omg thank you so much!!!! no such thing as too many i love talking hgghghdfhdk

1: What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

john uskglass: can go uncannily still for hours on end when he's doing magic, like "you have to check if he's breathing" still, but absolutely starts fidgeting and losing temper after a minute in a "nothing to do" situation (or just leaves altogether, he's the king, duh)

william of lanchester: is actually pretty patient, can go couple hours of sitting in place like a normal person if he has to; the downside is if you leave him like this for too long he'll start overthinking and give himself brain damage

thomas of dundale: goes very still and quiet whenever he senses danger and can remain like this for a while, but otherwise will start pacing around/nudging people/being silly after like 10 minutes max

8: What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

john: "STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP" / (by thomas) "hide!"

william: "stop slouching" / "speak louder"

thomas: "stop crying" / "be like your brother"

38: What memory do they revisit the most often?

john: not the one to reminisce i imagine, but i think upon his return to england he would initially be baffled by small displays of like. kindness? basic decency? on the part of humans and replay those moments in his head later. idk if the gentleman with the thistle-down hair is a representative case but i got the vibe that jsamn fairies generally are quite self-centered and don't care for others beyond their own benefit/entertainment (which would make faerie a pretty cutthroat place for a literal child, and also explain why trust and betrayal were such sensitive subjects for john in his adulthood), so i think it would take young john some time to grasp that sometimes people (ahem thomas and william ahem) are just nice to him/one another because they're capable of sympathy

william: nostalgic af!!! thomas was born in france in my hc, so that makes william the one person in their trio to actually feel emotionally attached to england as his home. i don't think there would be one definitive memory for him, but he totally would hold his childhood memories dear (esp the bittersweet ones, what with higher mortality rates in medieval times + the north still being quite a scarred place, i imagine, emotionally if not economically. i mean, the gap between 1111 and the harrying is just a few years longer than the gap between me and chornobyl)

thomas: probably avoids thinking about his pre-faerie childhood too often, though i like to think that he used to have a dog and loved it a lot. and then he avoids thinking about his time in faerie too bc there's just a lot of unpleasant stuff there. there must've been some exchange between teen thomas and baby john in faerie that solidified their friendship, maybe john using magic to protect him or telling thomas something his family never would have, like "why do you care so much what others think", something along those lines

40: How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

john: what "flaws" (ok actually i like to think that deep down he's aware that his family backstory is pretty shaky and is himself not 100% certain that it's true, but decides to stick with it nonetheless bc he's stubborn. i hc that part of the reason he took john uskglass sr.'s full name rather than keeping just the "uskglass" part and choosing his own first name is to kind of assert to himself as much as to everyone else that yes, he belongs in the human world, he's claiming the place of this other human dude who totally belonged here, see! but i also believe this anxiety is like, half-realized and he never actually properly thinks about it. he's perfect and the strongest and the smartest and goated with the sauce etc.)

william: VERY but it's mostly the flaws he's convinced himself that he has, not necessarily anything that bothers other people. his solution is to sulk about it in secret forever

thomas: eh. he's aware of them and doesn't think much of himself in general but he's mostly "it is what it is" about it. (i think a sensitive topic for him would be having nothing to call his own; i hc that he's not too keen about magic after all those years in faerie and that he cut ties with his family after they failed to accept him back, so somewhere across those 300 years he'd try to find his own Thing kind of sokka-style, but that's more of a predicament than a flaw)

D: Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

yea i'm pretty much sticking with the first things that came to mind. like, things we know about william essentially boil down to 1 magician (= scholar); 2 can fill in for a king if need be; 3 has a moral compass but ultimately chooses fealty over it, so i just imagined a basic classic "introverted knight" type of dude, tall, dark, serious, nice beard, all that. thomas is kind of a contrast to him: younger, leaner, energetic, and a redhead for added fun; and john is. well. i'm a simple woman okay if i see a character i can bishounenify, i will xD

E: Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

WELL john is a hard no, william is the one i'm projecting onto the most so i guess?? but we wouldn't necessarily hang out much; i think i'd have fun being around thomas but i doubt he'd find my company very interesting. that's all assuming i have something to talk about with medieval noblemen x)

anyways THANK YOU SO MUCH IT WAS SO FUN!!! <333

#john uskglass #william of lanchester #thomas of dundale #jsamn #jonathan strange and mr norrell #mari asks

[unforth]

Well I still feel pretty terrible and I slept like garbage but I had a thought in the middle of the night and I think there's something in it and that's Tian Guan Ci Fu focusing on characters who grew up isolated, who had lonely childhoods, and how it fucked them all up in different ways. Like hardly a single character in it had a healthy childhood (for those whose childhoods we know about), and this being a major theme is lampshaded by the few children in the book - Guzi, who every single "good" person in the book still allows to stay with Qi Rong, and Cuocuo, who is a literally a dead fetus but who still responds to maternal affection, and Lang Ying, and the dead baby.

So like:

Xie Lian, lonely, isolated, and treated as inhuman/perfect

Hua Cheng, isolated because of his fate, abused for his appearance

Qi Rong, mental illness ignored and left untreated

Mu Qing, abused for being poor

Feng Xin, isolated by dint of being the prince's sole companipn

Quan Yizhen, abused for being different/"acting weird" (being autistic, imo)

Banyue, abused for being of mixed heritage

He Xuan, cursed

Meanwhile, their stories are often contrasted directly against those people who had a supposedly more normal experience - like Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen, where Yin Yu has a solid community (but that community is actually toxic, see also how they all treat Quan Yizhen and somehow treat the results as Yin Yu's responsibility), and the Shi family versus He Xuan (except Shi Wudu is an awful person which leads to, ya know, everything - this one is the most direct and obvious contrast since He Xuan's ruined childhood and life are the direct result of Shi Wudu's actions to protect his in group with zero regard for anyone in the outgroup who might get hurt), and the Peis contrasted with Banyue (while Pei Xiu cared for Banyue there must have been background familial pressure on him not to interact, or else she wouldn't have been starving on the streets and wouldn't have had to rely on Xie Lian, and meanwhile Pei Ming's "family" - his army - ultimately betrays him while claiming to act for him.)

And of course, the Prince of Wuyong with his harem, uh, I mean four BFFs who helped him govern, compared with Xie Lian, who has only himself, Feng Xin, and Mu Qing - as in three teenagers being left to fend basically for themselves in the face of kingdom-shattering disaster. And there's also Jun Wu's construction of heaven, held together by the glue of manipulation and forced conformity with so many scandals kept under wraps. (Yes I've read the whole book. I'm trying to keep this readable for people who haven't. If you've also read the whole thing you can easily carry this paragraph to a logical conclusion about Jun Wu's actions in heaven.)

Idk that I've got enough brain to tie this all together with a neat bow, but I just feel like there's something here, about how hard so many of these people try to do the right thing but it's difficult because of their harm caused to them by the neglect and abuse of their childhood, and about how family and support networks only function to help if those supports aren't broken and toxic, about how the found family Xie Lian ultimately manages to construct functions because they all love each other despite their baggage instead of constantly being on the lookout for how to tear each other down over the least sign of nonconformity.

I hope this is coherent. Idk just, since I've been sick I've just reread like more than half of the book in less than a week (English books 3, 4, and 5) and it's giving me thoughts.

#tgcf #unforth rambles #unforth writes #unforth is bad at meta lmao

[stargirlsturniololover]

Thank you love 💓

Anyways to the meat and potatoes of my life, I haven't been able to be like a normal feeling person in years like I've been counting down the years until I'm 18 and can move away since I was 12 and now it's only a year away. Honestly didn't think I'd make it this far but now that I'm still here I have no idea what to do. Obviously I know basic stuff but things I'm supposed to be doing as a 17 year old just doesn't feel right. I got enough trauma to fill a book but I barely remember my childhood anymore either. And I haven't been able to eat normal in years and now after someone from my family made a joke about what I ate I haven't been able to eat in a couple days but I've tried and I just can't. I'm trying to help myself but my body rejects it which is annoying. And I put this happy people pleaser facade on anytime I talk or see someone when in reality I just want to go back to bed. Every single person I've ever dated long term has broke up with me because I have "too many problems, " but it's not like I chose to have them. And death sucks because my favorite persons dead now and idk how to cope with anything anymore. This is really long and I'm sorry it's such a trauma dump I just really needed to get that off my chest. Ily 💓

oh poor baby

i can relate to this sorta kinda but i don’t think i ever will really deeply understand what you’re going through….

it sucks having childhood trauma, that i know. and i also have little to no memory of my childhood due to something that happened a year ago, but i just know that it can only get better once you’re hit your lowest.

if you need any advice or just someone to talk to my messages are always open so feel free to message me privately if you need🫶🏻

[starsambrosia]

So i stop flooding peoples dash im gonna just make this a group, the tag is #livechatter

Im rambling about my life because i feel like it

mean in all reality they have saved me from a lot of bad people and bad things i just i dunno if i can belive that every single person i meet is some kind of malicous creature or person with bad intentions...its been years and im outgoing i like people but ive had to cut off most people because the gods told me some shit about them that was scary or my divination read something was up

I just dont know but i dont want to risk it...

But like, how many demons can one person come across and how many just so happen to be bad news for me

3 confirmed and funny thing is one of them actually scarred me both physically and astrally /wild/ one was my childhood friend who had a crush on me and also decided to get into a pact with a demon for ...funzies... but i cant recall if she had the bloodline or not because the last one who was actually super chill was following a family tradition

so yeah when the gods say "hey psst beckys a demon" im gonna be like "well golly gee 3 out of 3 demons the gods told me about were demons i wonder if this person is in a pact with a demon

and typically /usually/ me and demons dont get along, they find my energy tasty ig. Like demons are fine they are but like they just want to eat me usually or theyr mad at me on sight :")

But in any case im gonna belive it, its just...really?? I know im a beacon but seriously? Every person i meet is some mischievous or negative entity. I get out here fae are more common but /everyone?/ really? I dunno man i cant just be running into every non human on the planet both online and irl or if theyr normal theyr just the most shit person you can be to an almost cartoonish extent.

/idk man/

But i stare at my pendulum the one i warded clensed banished shit on and used rituals to invoke a gods name and boom its just "yup this ones no good"

Like...OK??? THEN WHO IS??? And theyll set me up with people and it never goes well like it always falls through because the people i click with just arent good enough??? Or they just all want me dead?

Am i the problem? Like its me or its them and theyr gods like idk idk man im lost im so lost, how can nobody be ok how can so many people just want to hurt me on sight am i seriously that pathetic looking?? Or are they playing some kind of protective roll? Thats kind assuming a lot about them

What are the fucking odds theyd just be over protective

Im kinda whirlling right now because i think i figured it out, Apollo always expressed guilt over the whole imprisonment thing even though that was literally my fault for directly disobeying his very clear instructions for some guy, yeah thats an embaressment ill never live down

Im wondering if Apollo felt bad and now hes just being really harsh on anyone who comes near me, i only wonder this because he had been around for a really long time before he helped me escape my home/cult

But like ive asked others too

In the same pantheon

That was responsible for a lot of fucking trauma

Who like most of them have a reason to be harsh on people

I just wonder what would happen if i asked maybe Zeus instead of literally anyone else besides maybe some of the goddesses.

Oh godsssss i think ive just deadass been asking the wrong people because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Jesus christ i knew it was my fault if i had just thought about it for a second and got my head out of the ground i wouldve seen it

But still i could be wrong so i need to go ask Zeus with my pendulum and see whats going on before i go removing anything...im also wondering what other people have to say about this because im honestly so tired of shutting up about my weird ass life

Pendulum with Zeus:

Is the reason i keep getting a no on my friends because everyone else is bias and angry at people

Yes

Will you give me non bias direct answers if i contact you?

Yes

I get so specific with my questions because if it can only say yes no or maybe i want to narrow it down as much as possible, questions are phrased intuitively or auto written but some times intentional, more gently guided though.

So i figured it out by live journaling basically...nice, ok so this is weird...but when is it ever not hhh

Thats sweet honestly, if it weren't so suffocating...i cant belive this this has taken me literally 3 and a half years to figure out and i just had to talk to Lord Zeus??? Hhhhhhh oh my gods

Going to him more often now honestly

I wouldve never guessed that i think i think too lowly of myself if it took 3 and a half years to realize they care enough to be mad at people who caused me like, irreparable damadge hahaaaa

#ambrosia #lore #livechatter

[unfortunate-songbird]

new turtle iteration but I can’t write so I’m just throwing down notes instead

m too yired

anyways

Raph and Mikey are twins n the oldest bc why not

They’ve got a slightly messier dynamic w each other bc twins are like that but with their younger siblings they’re a little more consistent

Mikey’s the hype man, the comforter, the “hey, it’s gonna be okay. c’mon, let’s go get you a Barbie bandaid and some stickers.” So very full of love

Raph’s a little more gruff like “…good job, kid”noogies and stuff uhh yeah

be very careful when Raph cries or Mikey gets pissed. both are extremely rare and indicative of a very serious situation. (Often Raph crying is what sets off Mikey)

so so I’m thinking Raph actually has anxiety (may haps??) and sort of converts those nerves into anger bc that’s easier for him to deal w. He hates feeling like a coward (maybe when he was little he ran away from smth important and vowed to never be afraid again) so he hates backing down from anything n can be very reckless. His main character arc would probably be learning that fear and courage aren’t mutually exclusive, and that acknowledging and accepting fear is a kind of courage in and of itself. Also being able to back out of something if it freaks him out.

uhh then Mikey’s actually the one with anger issues lmao (maybe??) he tries to hard to keep everyone positive bc his little brothers and twin rely on him to lift everyone up. He’s always trying to cheer people up n make sure everyone’s having fun and feeling supported. He hates hates hates any of his brothers being sad or hurt or upset, so he tries to keep them as happy and carefree as he can. (They’re already missing out on so many normal aspects of childhood, he wants to preserve what he can) He’s what keeps them afloat, so he never allows himself to be heavy. He shoves down his anger and messy feelings until he literally can’t anymore and then he goes deep into the sewers and like idk violently paints or screams or smth. His arc would probably be that it’s ok to not be happy, and to show that. Kinda like rise Raph’s whole thing abt relying on his brothers as they rely on him, but like,,, emotionally. He’s still a very cheerful, positive person, but he learns that having negative emotions and showing it is okay. I’m not sure any of this makes sense lmao

Uhhhh

Donnie the ultimate middle child (rip) craves validation like there’s no tomorrow, seriously it’s insane. The main reason he makes all his crazy tech stuff is bc he loves it when his family compliments his work. Dunno abt his main personality that’s more open to interpretation uhh. His arc would be about not only knowing he’s valued no matter what, but to value himself as well. Not attaching his entire self-esteem and self-confidence to what other people say, being able to take pride in himself. Idk.

heehoo it’s the baybee

Leo is a funny goofy silly little guy who’s always trying so so hard to catch up to his brothers. His brother Raph is so strong and tough and always knows what to do and Mikey is so nice and creative and funny, and Donnie is so smart and he does all these cool things and knows everything about everything. Leo’s just…. Leo. It’s frustrating for him, when his family praises his (idk) uhhh doodles or whatever the same way they praise Donnie’s projects because he knows it’s just because he’s the littlest and they don’t want to hurt his feelings. Nothing he does is really that special. (He’s jealous of Donnie for his many talents, being able to earn his brothers’ trust and pride. Donnie’s jealous of Leo because he gets all the love and affection Donnie wants without even really trying. Obviously this is mostly deeply buried bc they get along okay and really do love each other, but could be a reason for conflict n bickering often w that underlying tension) His arc could be some stuff about how you don’t have to be really really good at one thing in order to be an important member of the team. (It’s never been about being loved/valued bc he knows he is, it’s about earning it. Proving himself and truly deserving their pride and trust) and idk stuff surrounding that (I’m not a youngest child idk what goes on in their brains)

uhhh anyway that’s it

eye dee kay

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt au #rottmnt #raphael #donatello #leonardo #michalangelo #oh the things I would write #if only I could #this stupid thing is the reason my brain wouldn’t shut off until 2 am #hatred malice hatred malice

[science-lings]

About the unpublished fics, i really like the idea of the last champion. Just wild figuring out that not only he still has the powers of the other champions but he can do more now. I would image that miphas power would be noticed first, maybe by healing quicker outside of battle then he would normally. Or maybe if he is able to do the other powers not centered on himself, maybe something in a battle with an ally too far away from him that's about to be hit and they won't be able to protect themself in time and wild knows he won't be able to make it to them in time to take the hit and suddenly, boom daruks shield is around them.

Also just in general wild and Hyrule both being healers.

Also just love the ideas of the wild&twilight&time stories especially since I think time helping twilight on his journey is the only other time that on older, more experienced, previous hero helped another hero. And they were family. (Also I can not help but feel that after more than 10000 years twilight would be at least once in the ancestry)

Also really love the idea of botw Zelda and link sitting down after the calamity and figuring out how much they were fucked over because of it. Ranging from just the last few years of their childhood (the nice answer) to most if not all of their childhood (the not so nice answer), especially for Zelda since as the princess people knew it would be her bloodline fated to help and then I think it would depend on how well people would be at timekeeping after 10000 years or how many signs of ganons soon to be breakout are there. For link it really depends on when you headcanon he got the mastersword

Also sorry about how long this is, I read through your story ideas and I got thoughts

don't apologize, I love long asks and talking about my WIPs!

-I have many ideas for how he would be able to use the champion's powers and how they would differ from how the champions were able to use them, and how it would affect him to use them. Wild is one of the few without a magic bar. I think that Twilight is the only other one but apparently he was going to have one but they took it out of the game so late that it's still on the box art lmao. Anyway, there isn't really a way to use magic in botw and I want to figure it out. I was thinking that Wild would have more control over Daruks protection but it would only be able to form a partial shield, and he would get Mipha's healing powers closer to how she had them but I'm still debating on whether he would be able to heal himself or not. A lot of this fic idea was based around the parallels between Zelda 1 and BotW so I really wanted to focus on Wild and Hyrule being little magic buddies as well as their normal vibe.

-I've always liked the wolf trio and emphasizing reuniting family and all the found family tropes, how versions of each other are sent to mentor their successor, even though Wolf Link doesn't do much mentoring. He's helping the best that he can and he is very helpful in some cases. Idk each of them has the implication that they used to have a family but they lost them and I think being able to find each other is pretty neat.

-Canonically Zelda's mother dies when she is six and she starts her training a year later, while Link pulls the master sword when he's about twelve. But we know that even at a young age Link was training to be a knight after displaying his incredible skills at four years old. So yeah... there's no way these kids had any form of a childhood. (at least not in the botw timeline.) We know how the pressures of destiny affected both of them. Urbosa even has a diary entry about how she worries about all the other champions (and Zelda but not including Daruk) due to their young ages. She seems to be the only sane responsible adult in both Zelda and Link's lives... I think people focus so much on how they're both over one hundred years old and how mature they have to be after everything they've been through (mostly so they can justify a bunch of smut) and I just wanted to focus on them reclaiming the childhoods that they lost. I want to remind everyone about how young they really are because people really seem to forget...

#ask andromeda #wip ask #long post #i got carried away too lmao