#idk it's been a long slog of 'what is the point i'm so tired i expect nothing and still somehow get let down' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kittyandco · 2 months

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i actually have no idea what to do right now [more info and an insight into how i've been feeling lately under the cut].

i've been trying to find a job for almost 10 months. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of slogging through applications and unfair job descriptions, changing my resume for the 50th time (or not and just mass applying), writing new cover letters (or not and just using the same one), researching companies to prepare for interviews for hours at a time, scrutinizing my every move and breath because i know that they're already doing it and it still isn't good enough. i'm almost 250 applications deep. many interviews that never amount to anything. it feels like i'm running out of jobs to even apply for. [trying to move beyond retail but even those are hit-or-miss] thinking about job applications and employment is basically a compulsion at this point and i WISH i could get it out of my head.

i am bored beyond belief. i hate how much time i've had to fill with just scrolling my dash or my youtube home feed when it's the same stuff on it over and over and over and not even deciding on anything to read/watch. how much time i've spend just... laying there. there have been times where it's just so hard to take care of myself, where i don't have much of anything motivating me.

my life has amounted to absolutely nothing (i know that isn't TRUE but it feels like it right now); i won't even reach any semblance of independence that i so desperately need anytime soon. i thought i could. i really thought i could succeed. i can't seem to move forward in any way at all. my two options are standing still or moving backwards. idk what to do. i've tried everything i can think of

it's gotten to the point where i'm either angry, sad, uncomfortable, or guilty all the time and i hate it so much. the only time i don't feel that way is when i'm working on my personal projects, reading, or hanging out with my friends. that can only take me so far, too. because sometimes, especially with the reading and personal projects, it feels like an obligation to get my mind off stuff, rather than what i want to do. i just feel trapped in a small, small world.

i've just gone nonverbal for the past few hours. i can't even look my parent (the one who isn't constantly criticizing literally everything i do on top of everything going on and knowing how i've been feeling) in the face and say hello. i try. very hard. to not seem hopeless. but this happens a lot. i'm so irritated i just want to be ALONE for ONCE. i don't want to answer to anyone. i'm ready to just get away. i'm just so beaten down

i have editing and extensive writing experience so i've been thinking about opening paid requests to edit essays or other types of writing, or even fic commissions, but i know that it isn't even going to go anywhere. all anyone cares about is art anyway and i stopped posting my writing here long ago because of that. so i probably won't even bother

please don't comment with advice or questions about job applications or anything of the sort. no "something will come along" please... it's just so painful to hear now. when i say i've heard it all, TRUST ME. i do not want to hear it.

anyway i just wanted to get this out where others could see it but not in a one-on-one conversation, and not in the private pages of my journal. my journal is full of stuff just like this, and it makes me feel worse just continuing to fill it with spiraling of the same same same same same same because nothing ever changes for me

and finally, if one of you is going through the same thing, take solace. you aren't alone. you are loved despite how you feel

#meows

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awlwren-writes · 2 years

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Hi! Love your work! Idk if you are still taking drabble prompts, but if you are, 38 "You fainted straight into my arms...if you wanted my attention so bad you could have asked". Pelna Khara/ Crowe Altius, with Crowe catching, please! If you are no longer taking requests, then still know you are awesome regardless and need to know it. Happy new year!

I was going to wait until after Febuwhump, because that took up a lot of time, and then until Nyx Week when I realized how close that was, before I finished before finally responding to this, but I had a bit of time and figured you'd waited long enough. I'm so sorry for the three month delay, Anon. You are amazing and this ask made me so so very happy.

This takes place during the opening battle of the movie. I hope it's worth the wait!

As soon as Crowe saw the Cerberus, she knew Libertus was lost. She'd been doing this long enough she could run the odds, and knew what was going to happen, so she tried to seal her heart against the pain. She was dimly grateful for Pelna tugging her away, because that's probably what Libertus would have wanted, but she didn't really have the energy at the moment to acknowledge that or him. As if the tri-tornado and the rest of this slogging, drawn-out loss hadn't drained her enough, she had to find a way to stem the bleeding of her heart before she completely lost it and just...fell down and didn't get back up.

And then Nyx decided she hadn't lost enough and ran back after Libertus so he could die as well. She was so tired of being surrounded by friends who ran full tilt away from her into the waiting arms of death.

They'd thrown everything they had at that daemon and it had devastated the entire Glaive in one shot, what did he think he could do? She begged and pleaded with him just to come back, but he didn't even acknowledge her, even to apologize for what he was doing. The only response she got was the steady tugging on her arms as she stumbled along and the low refrain of Pelna muttering reassurances as he brought her to the evac point, plus the crackle of flames and screams of the daemons in her radio.

But Nyx was Nyx, and somehow he managed to save the day yet again and bring both of them out of there. She stumbled yet again when she heard the report, this time in relief, and this time Pelna stumbled with her. She instinctively tried to catch him, but she was off-balance enough to start with they both ended up going down.

"We should have known that idiot would be able to warp such petty things as reality and consequences, huh?" she muttered, clutching Pelna against her as if it would keep either of them from falling further, hoping he couldn't hear how wet her voice was.

But Pelna, steady Pelna, almost as quick with a quip as Nyx and readier with a smile and a helping hand than anyone she knew, didn't reply.

"Hey," she said, jostling him, but he only groaned slightly and stayed limp. She laid him on the ground and searched frantically for what was wrong, hoping it was something she could fix, and finally finding a spray of shrapnel that had shredded his pants above the knee where blood was still sluggishly leaking free, concealed by the dark material. But his pulse was steady, and that meant he'd be fine, right? She wasn't playing this trade-one-life-for-another game; that was a bigger pile of shit than the Draconian probably left.

"Medic!" she called, desperately, but it was lost in the crowd of returning glaives, many of whom were also worse for the war. She pushed away the guilt that he had walked on that leg, practically carrying her off the battlefield, without saying anything. That wasn't her fault, and she needed to be able to think right now. "Medic!" she called over the command channels, hoping for a better response.

Thankfully Luche was still listening, and he dispatched a stretcher and a healthy glaive that could help her bring Pelna back to the triage center, and between the two of them they were able to move him without too much difficulty. She was surprised to find herself muttering prayers and mantras the whole time the carried him like she hadn't since she was a kid; she hadn't realized how much she depended on Pelna until he faltered like this, but she really, really needed him to make it out.

Thankfully the medics were able to bind up the wound and get some blood into him, and told her that would probably do until they could make it back to town. She missed Lib being brought back to camp as she waited with Pelna, holding his hand and keeping him updated on the reports coming in over their comms -- she knew he'd want to be kept in the loop as much as possible -- but she knew Lib was in good hands. It was her turn to support Pelna.

She used the chance to sit and rest to just look at Pelna, try to really see him. She thought back over the long length of their friendship, never the closest in the group, but always there, always together. Pelna was their rock, and it shook her to see him like this, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized it wasn't worry for the group's stability that had her so shaken; it was for Pelna himself.

How many times had he hauled her out of danger like this, or one of the others? It seemed sometimes like the two of them were the only ones who had to sit and wait on their more reckless friends when they pulled stunts like this. How many times had he stopped by with a little treat just when she needed it -- a sweet, an offer to sharpen her blades, a bit of obscure arcane trivia or bit of intel just when she needed it? She'd never really tallied it all up, but he was always there, always watching when she needed it, willing to wait whatever storm was brewing out beside her until she was ready to face it.

She wasn't willing to lose that. Not if she could help it. And so she was going to do something about it, and let Pelna know that he wasn't the only one watching, that he had support, too, and didn't always have to do it all for them. And Pelna was clever enough, strong enough she just might be able to save him.

So when Pelna finally roused, an hour or so into her vigil, just before they were ready to get out of there, she let the medics do their checks, then slipped back into place at his bedside. She punched him lightly and greeted him with a level of snark that he would be proud of, she was pretty sure: "You fainted straight into my arms...if you wanted my attention so bad you could have asked".

He blushed beautifully at the comment, and that's when she knew she had him.

#my fics #ffxv #Crowe Altius #Pelna Khara #Crowe/Pelna #and get some answers #not my usual pairing for either of them #but I hope it worked #very very late: the other story of my life #sorry #ask games #anon anon #long post

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