#idk its just hard having to be a Grown Up tm and also lose pets

[trans-xianxian]

I think caspers death is especially hard because like... of course I love all of my pets equally and losing any of them would be incredibly hard like none of them dying would be any better or any worse than another one of them dying but. every once and awhile there's just an animal that you get to have a very special connection with not because they are any better or you love them any more than any other of your pets.. its just that you were blessed to have something very special and rare with them, and that's how it was with casper. now that she's gone it's like there's a big hole in my chest

rats are so unique in the way that it's almost like they're designed to break your heart.... they are so kind and loving and intelligent and they all have their own wonderful and individual personalities and you form such real and close bonds with them like they really do love you so much and make you part of their little families and they take care of you or try their best to in a way I've never encountered with any other animal but the nature of their being is that you are just given such little time with them... in the best of health they only live for about 3 years and even that is rare because they just have So many health problems that have no or very expensive and risky treatments

I've had rats since I was like seven and a few years ago I literally had to take a break from having them because it just hurts my heart too much. they are so so special and such a blessing to have in your life but you are always just given such little time... they just break your heart over and over again because they leave too soon and most of the time you also have to watch them suffer at the end of their life and you're not even able to really do anything about it

I don't know it's just like.. it's always so hard when you can tell your pet is hurting in their final days no matter what but it's especially hard when you have such a special connection with them.... I feel like I could feel caspers hurting deep in my chest

#and theres another rlly hard layer to it of... casper was really similar in both appearance and personality to another rat I had #who I slso had a very special connection with and who I had to watch suffer so so much before she passed away #she was the first rat I lost after taking a break from them for awhile and it was very very hard for me #and caspers death just reminds me of that again #I've lost THREE pets in the last year n its the first year that I'm completely on my own... I have to dig all of the small graves by myself #thats not really one of the adulthood things you're taught about.... neither the emotional or practical aspect of it #and all three times I've been completely alone at home like my best friend hasn't been here to help me #idk its just hard having to be a Grown Up tm and also lose pets #and its just like.... I want my dad #its the most primal and natural response to pain..... I am hurting and I just want my dad #n the last two pets I lost didn't. visibly suffer like they just died out of nowhere and I found them later #which is traumatizing and painful in its own way #but casper literally died gasping for breath in my hands #and that is. a very unique kind of hurt #I sat there just hoping that I would feel her breath or her heartbeat again #anyway I am so sorry for ranting about this I know its not a fun topic or rlly what any of you signed up for #but thank you for bearing with me and sending me such kind words I really do appreciate it so much :( #ghost posts #text #not mdzs #animal death #and I guess uhm #pet death #too just because this post gets very specific and.. detailed abt that in particular