#idk its like now im cleaning up my mess and finding all the SHIT ive buried myself under and now its like. i dont know what to do

[courtney-deserved-better]

whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

#slippery slopes #ask #anon #total drama #writing #fic #my fic

[raisinchallah]

embarrassing little rant but ugh i got it into my head maybe i should apply for the jury judged artist alley for my local anime con lol cuz i draw a lot of fan art and u know it could be a good way to test out selling art yadda yadda and because its juried like its a safety net that i will only get selected if they think i can sell anything i wont just lose a ton of money on a guess and like because real people will be judging my portfolio its like a nice measure of my skill i guess like see where im at also like even tho its scheduled for november who knows how fast vaccine roll outs all that stuff may be but also theres like solid 50/50 chance the con doesnt even happen so it might be less anxiety inducing if theres the chance it doesnt even happen give me another way out and like applications are probably gonna open sometime in march and so i have a full month to prepare a portfolio i only need 10 images i will also probably show my patterns cuz they also really wanna see some original art but like ideally id love to draw a few more things i feel more proud of and i think are maybe closer to the level of a few recent things ive drawn that i really like but somehow i just cannot seem to get myself to draw i feel like ive hit this awful roadblock and a deadline of like over a month is somehow too close and too much pressure like its not mostly the concept of a metaphysical deadline ive been having severe art block before this and i feel like my entire drawing process is so like slow and insane it used to be like oh once i do a sketch i can clean it up and add detail no problem but even getting over the hurdle of making a sketch i like is too difficult and then even after ive taken 3 days to make a sketch its like oh im looking at a mess of lines what the fuck do i do now and its like now the only point where im actually enjoying and having an easy time with the entire process is like drawing complicated details after everything else is set in stone i find it very fun and soothing but god getting to that point impossible and idk its just like driving me crazy cuz in some ways i wish i could invest in art improvement and idk pursue it as a job cuz god knows i have no other skills but its like holy shit i am somehow just getting worse at drawing like my end products are improving but everything it takes to get there has become a nightmare... i mean its also just concerning for my regular life prospects like i truly have no skills or the constitution to do most jobs or attend school lol ah whatever this is just making me crazy id hoped a bit that having a goal a reason for drawing could help but lol it sure didnt anywayz if ur read this far thank u for bearing with my whining

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

#lovely anon #<333 #okay its so late now i dont wanna post it now in case i‘m too tired to notice losds of mistakes #but i also wanna post it now so. #*loads #i‘m posting it #and i absolutely do not mind if you answer like this!!!! but if you ever do feel like it‘s too much or you uust want to respond to one thing #in particular sooner then pls go ahead! <3

[dumbassscout]

i see a lot of 13 yr olds on tumblr these days, so id like to share some advice i wish i had known using tumblr at age 13.

this is also probably not an original idea from me lol, someone has got to have done this before. i would usually put this under a cut but ive decided not to for now

be aware that this site is like NOTORIOUSLY harmful. you may think you’re above it or too mature for it to hurt you, but trust me, you aren’t. since you will probably not be stopped by that warning, maybe take some precautions/keep some stuff in mind to stay safe.

i had tumblr savior for my first experiences with the site. im pretty sure it still works and it’s regularly updated, so take a look into that. it blocks posts with certain keywords from being seen on your radar, and can also push/allow posts with other keywords to always be shown. i would advise getting it or a similar extension to custom block triggering/harmful content.

don’t put other/more popular users in your fandom/community on a pedestal. they’re people behind a blog, just like you are. don’t feel intimidated by the people in your own community, they are just people the same way you are a person. they can mess up at times, and so can you.

making friends is a great thing on this site, but keep an eye on new online friends’ behaviors. it is exciting to meet new people, but you want to be aware of toxic friends. same goes for your mutuals. overall, keep people on this site at an arm’s length until you’ve gotten to know them enough personally to know that they’re genuine people. as you get older you can relax on this, but as a young teen it’s better to be hyperaware than to be blissfully ignorant as you get hurt.

onto more broad things, your theme doesn’t have to be perfect. you dont have to make a custom html/edited html website theme for your blog, you can leave it as tumblr default. if you enjoy organizing that, then by all means go ahead! but don’t feel like it is necessary for your blog, most of the time you will get a new theme set up and check on it on a month and find that it actually looks terrible to you. if you’d rather just have it as a basic/default site, then that is perfectly normal.

your blog’s theme/topic is your choice, and can be uniquely you. some people have many blogs for many things, just a few, or just one with everything. it is up to you how you want to do it! the themes you choose, topics, are up to you. fads and trends are cool but finding what works for you personally is way more fun. your blog is supposed to be fun. you are supposed to enjoy using tumblr. don’t compromise that for a trend. make your blog(s) however you want, however it pleases you. it can feel pressuring to have a perfect blog, but it’s better to just make your appearance the way it would make you happy.

also, tag systems are awesome! but they are not necessary unless you’re tagging trigger warnings. always tag those! but i know a lot of people have personal tagging systems to organize their blog, which is totally cool! but again, personal tag systems are not necessary, and if they feel unnecessary to you, don’t use them. but again, tag triggering content, especially if you are asked to.

archiving/deleting/creating new blogs is a whole other process. some people like to start with a clean slate every time they switch to a new fandom, and let their old user be archived or deleted. this is perfectly respectable (and probably the right thing to do) personally, i just switch my blog over to whatever im feeling that month and people can unfollow if they no longer enjoy my blog (i dont have that big of a following on this blog). it’s really a personal decision, and if you want to restart your blog you will know when to/if you want to.

reblog art, but never “repost” it. aka dont take the image and post it on your own blog, just reblog it from the original poster. its common sense but not everyone knows? idk

if you end up having some or many followers, make sure to check yourself. appreciate your followers, respect them. they are people with blogs. just like you. don’t let a high number inflate your ego way out of proportion, it’s easy to fall into that sense of power.

respect people’s pronouns. even if you for some reason have a disagreement with them, or you don’t understand why/how their identity works, just use the correct pronouns that they ask you to. it costs you zero dollars and zero cents, and is incredibly respectful

as a young teen, don’t get involved/let yourself get buried in tumblr-wide discourse. examples of this include the bi vs pan debate, flag discourse etc. most ppl who i know who were attentive to things similar to that at a young age ended up being affected negatively by it. pay some attention to what pertains to you and also pay attention to what you can identify as right or wrong, but don’t let people’s opinions on your dash influence you in times of discourse. go and look at both sides of those kinds of debates if you’re interested, and form an opinion from there.

speaking of which, sometimes people will just post their takes on literally anything and youll come across it. take everything with a grain of salt unless there is links to proof (if applicable, not always needed). sometimes bad takes just havent had someone to reblog and disprove yet.

speaking of discourse, there is always discourse on this site in every fandom, every community. form your own opinions always, but keep your moral compass in mind. don’t compromise your morals and sense of right and wrong to enjoy certain fan-media. if something seems off, it probably is.

people make mistakes, and if someone did something kind of shitty/had a terrible take/belief (not irredemably shitty, those ppl do not need ur attention) and they genuinely apologize for the shit they did and learn from it, move on. leave some shit in the past, holding grudges isnt good for your mental health and people change. but again, always take things with a grain of salt.

you dont need a high follower count to get traction on your posts. it might help, but you can have a low follower count with high interaction or a high follower count with little to know interaction. the best advice i have is to tag what it is relevant to, whether it’s a fandom, aesthetic, etc and people who regularly check those tags will find it.

if you ever get anon hate for some reason, just delete it from ur inbox n move on. ppl who send anon hate want to see you post it and respond to it. if they said some really really MEAN shit though, it may be best to talk to a friend about it for comfort, or take a break from tumblr for a hot min. most importantly, report it, close your ask box/change it to no anonymous asks.

if at some point you choose to voice your opinion about a highly debated topic at the time, be aware that people who disagree might attack you for it. be aware, and be safe about it.

a lot of people swear by xkit. i have never used it in my life, but from the looks of it, it makes using tumblr so much more bearable. it breaks sometimes with tumblr updates, but apparently it’s worth it. again, look into it, but it’s not necessary to use the site.

do niche shit. start sideblogs without a plan in mind. make aus, make art, make writing, or make nothing at all. reblog the things you love wherever you want them to be reblogged. comment on people’s creations if you love them, they probably would love to hear how much you enjoyed it. appreciate how wonderful the better part of this site is, enjoy the free access to view and appreciate others’ creations and ideas.

i would put a lot more on here, but i feel like 20 is probably too much already. if anyone has anything to add, definitely rb with ur addition

overall, do the things you love on here, keep yourself safe, and be respectful of others.

#i dont shut up

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Ive always liked Alex we always seemed to grow up together from NYC to Texas to Oklahoma he always seemed to be around

And he was usually pretty nice.

Even if he got on my nerve he always seemed to get me to like him, he's quite easy to talk to with a nice personality

So, he wanted pets and as long as he's not abusive to them then I told him he could. He, too was privileged to be asked what he wanted.

So in his next room he has fish, bunny, hamster, bathroom and a real bed and fluffy pillows.

He said "just a prison room and all the animals that can fit" and he asked for a pony. I was like dude no that's too much. Maybe a stuffed one.

In Jr high his dad was pretty abusive so he stayed at my goose often. I had bunk beds but he would fall asleep in the floor then climb up into his own bed. Or say "dad I'm cold" and shiver in the floor... And not get up. I learned to get up off the opposite end of the bed and turn on the light and tell him to open his eyes and shake his foot otherwise he would grab mu leg and try to fight me while he was asleep. Then i would pull him a blanket down and cover him he would ask me "who are you?"

Id tell him "im your friend from school"

Sometimes he would tell me he didnt go to school or say "school I miss that place" and/or ask if i kidnapped him

I learned to tell him i did kidnap him otherwise he would sleep walk all over and I would find him in the pagan's yard asleep or some other random place in the morning.

Cause in his mind he thought "if I'm not kidnapped I'm free to leave"

And he was but not while sleeping.

And so if i had to tell him he was kidnapped he would ask if he could eat. I learned to tell him, "in the morning" otherwise I would make food he wouldn't eat or he would sleep cook and I would hear him choking and coughing.

Usually we played 20 questions. Sometimes I pretended to be asleep and he would climb in my bed like a little kid "I said who are you?!?!?"

Eventually i learned to say "Sabrina, you're safe for tonight, all the doors and windows are closed and locked, you're free to sleep in the house right where you are" then he would snore deeply until morning.

Sometimes he just showed up at my door, looking like some kind of wreck. "I just need a place to sleep. I don't eat"

But I would make him food and he would eat like he hadn't in days.

Just one of them ruffian kids that wouldn't make you feel sorry for him, you just did.

Whenever I looked at him in Oklahoma somehow he just made me cry. I didn't even remember him and we rarely talked he lived at this party house I sometimes went to down the street from my grammas.

He went down to Lawton a lot. That's where a lot of us got our weed. They all said that was where he was from.

Lawton was a distribution center for Mexican red hair from what I heard. That was all I smoked. Sometimes we had yellow hair...

One time me and Steph drove him to OKC to catch a bus because the fare was cheaper and he didn't have a car. He went to Lawton to "check on stuff"

He wasn't always rich or a jerk.

He is just who he is

So he has a phone now so his live feed will be turned off

As it was explained they only have live feeds for their loved ones because they don't have a phone with internet. He has a Galaxy 9 Note. So its a lot bigger than the others and what he had before. He had requested a large phone and computer as well. And a desk and its in his other room

So some people like Jesse have the ability to tunnel and make new rooms and he has two concrete rooms and 2 bathroom areas. And the one in the new room has a privacy curtain as requested. So he can shit in the nude and not all the guys be looking.

Jesse's hands do not hurt, too much. And he's convinced they're love bites from his demon wife he found on the beach. So he's happier. Yes he did request such a woman. He's quieter as well.

Which I like.

The winds came and destroyed Nathaniel's outdoor cameras with extreme fury at the house. So that was interesting.

My air conditioner was on 60°F and I turned it up to 69° and it was better but it worked attentively better when I turned it up two degrees to 71° I tried various degrees up to 75° but 71° works best.

I also tried "dry mode" which removes humidity from the air which worked well until it began to rain then,it was miserable again.

So meddle with your air conditioner numbers until you feel the best coolest air flow.

And it's good to try it at night ... To find the absolute best.. If it works well when it's cool it will be working as best as possible when it's 105° real feel and it's less frustrating. You just know its the best you got even if it's not good enough

Right now with the rain and humidity it makes it more complicated so it's better right at dusk

Stay hydrated and peaceful.

I know I'm being kind to prisoners whom don't rightly deserve kindness but their punishments are harsh. And what kind of person am I if I'm just mean to everyone?

Well.. If you ask me... Well..

There's this philosophy that being great to people invokes guilt. The feeling they have wronged. Most especially while being punished. They realize they should have treated better when they had their freedom.

It only works while they're incarcerated. Once they obtain their freedom they're like a flesh eating bacteria and go back to their bullshit

So we are very aware of this. So while they are not mistreated and their accomodations are as they wished and some get better over time as it is earned.

They will stay there. I did make contingency for work release but I am told NHRA has not allowed them to be on The schedule which I do appreciate

Nd it is for the safety

Matt Hagan got 2 ten pound bowling balls.

The reason we have low pounds is because our guards -- heavy weights thrown at guards can be very damaging. So a guard can take a 10 pound bowling ball to the gut but not a 30 or 50.

Amd they're bowling balls at 10 or 15 pounds because they're harder to handle these don't have holes. So if they're practising throwing them then they get taken away.

So then when they have weights and they go outside they have to put them on the bed or opposite side of the door along the wall, be handcuffed through the food slot and then they have to stand in the middle of the room and do a count down breathing and stretching session and then they approach the door then they can be foot shackled and the prisoner connects it themself

So you have wrist handcuffs and feet then a chain from both so they can't swing their arms and hit others.

Once connected it needs a key to unlock but it shows trust and cooperation and it's a good exercise

They keep their exercise equipment if they connect their cuffs correct. Its almost impossible not to. And they get shown how.

The guard can do it but it's an attempt to allow independence and recognition of choices and self authority and to say "you got yourself in this situation, take responsibility"

The guard didn't do bad things to have to be there. The prisioner did. The last straw for them to be properly arrested was what they did.

We allowed them 12 years. And they all made "bets" aka promises and so on and so forth. And they failed at being civilized human beings..

Jesse James wrote with shit on the wall and then ate shit the first night.

That is an obvious failure.

Its what he always does tho. But he has to live in it and clean it because he chose to do that and no one is going in his cell

That's his room. There is times that guards will but normally it's not necessary and it won't happen.

Alex will to have help with his animals but that's a little different it's for the animals welfare. Its once per week.

Like for their trash they have to request trash receptacle. They can pick the size or have a large and small and they have to request trash bags. Then they fill and Tie It and show the guard or cameras and then they have to place it 2 foot from the door and then stand on their bed or at the opposite wall and spread 'em arrested style. Arms and legs spread, hands against the wall back to the door. For guard safety. Then the guard gets it and locks the door and let's them know by saying the equivalent of "okay" in the language of the day. If the prisoner doesn't respond, the guard knocks on the door.

Its their room. Their house. Someone is at the door.

Then they say thank you in the language of the day when they respond and remove from their position.

Otherwise they have to be shackled. So this is simpler and easier and allows trust and cooperation and human decency and also the reminder they're in prison.

But most trash is food and so most just put it all back on their tray when the guard comes to collect.

So there's an old fashioned slot so if they tray falls to the hall. There's a basket there that should catch the tray and trash.

If they throw the tray out to make a mess in the hall, the tray of their food is covered with a light non tight layer of saran wrap then shoved through the slot to make it fly and make a mess.

The loose layer of saran is to protect the food... But at the same time it's loose and the point is made. As Well as a mess.

And then betrer behavior occurs.

So it's obvious who is in control but sometimes they wanna try their hand. But I'm a very angry person so my prison personnel puts up with nothing.

They don't question or wonder. What is done to them, they do in return.

They have their rules of humanity but when prisoners go on the wind, the guards blow back.

So if they get hit, 3 guards hit the prisoner. Always. And then rights get taken away. And all kinds of shit happens.

So we try to prevent violence against each other because if a prison riot occurs, my guards will be out of jobs.

So everyone has their own rooms and their wishes and they can ask and get nearly anything

Matt for example got 10 pound weights because he had a large body mass of muscle. And so that is what he worked for and earned. So he gets a 10 pound. And we go up to 15 but Idk i guess he didn't ask for top weights.

But the point is also he can do weights all day long as opposed to just half a day. And he can max the muscles if done properly.

But someone with smaller muscle mass will get a lighter weight

Like I said to protect the guard but also to protect the user of the weightsm too heavy can cause damage.

Going to a smooth bowling ball is cumbersome as opposed to weights with handles which of course is why he didn't get the 15 lb. He needs 2 weeks or so on the lighter ball in case he dropps it on his head or something like that and there is great over the head exercise. So I'm not being dumb.. It could happen.

So we treat them like we would kids

Like with Alex... Some of them never have been. And so they need that.

I know if i was always abused and treated like shit and had one year to live as they do with COVID, id like to be treated humane. I'd like to be treated like i had a mom and dad out there that love me.

I'm an orphan and i have been abused and I'm a good person. But I have been to jail. Arrested for real as an adult. So.

I been there. Just for a little bit. It was for weed and telling a cop he sucked. Some felonies. I went to rehab with Alex and it's all off my record now.

So it wasn't a super bad thing.

But if it had been....

I care about me, and i put myself in some places i could be in. And I try to make them better.

Me? I don't like being touched so having the last part of the cuff system up to me to put on -- it says like 'you know, i dont really want to touch you either.'

Like its a little bit of space around me just being able to do one little clip. A little bit of extra room in a super scary situation, being a girl, alone. Anything could happen... But.. I clip it right I have some argument space like "you can't rape me. I'm a model prisioner. I always clip my cuffs right! I'll tell they will believe me! You'll lose your job!"

So it's a privilege. As well as the acceptance of responsibility. I'm not the guard. But i got me here and im gonna be kept here but I'm safe.

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

#Anonymous #sorry if this is a mess but i got a lot of feelings abt the shitty advice that's out there for addicts and i dont know shit except my ideas #and all i can do is pass it along but pls still remember there are plenty more things that could work so if these dont strike a chord lmk #and i can try to think of more and reach out to my friends who are addicts and see what works for them #i love you i love you and i love you and i like you

[kilmameri]

I saw @solange-lol doing this and it seemed fun so I wanted to do it too. Please do it yourselves too and tag me to it if you like, I won’t be tagging anyone. I’ve added my comments in chunks so theyre easier to delete. this is mostly me writing random garbage which isnt needed but i wanted to do

Rules: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations

AIR: i have small hands • i love the night sky • i watch small animals and birds when i pass them by • i drink herbal tea • i wake to see dawn • the smell of dust is comforting • i’m valued for being wise • i prefer books to music • i meditate • i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

What kinda aspiration is having small hands tho? :DD I love the night sky the most when it’s warm an dark, often when im like, on a trip. its not often both dark and warm where i live :D and i Love birds. today waiting for the bus i almost forgot where i was when i watched birds fly in flocks over us. theyre moving back here for spring! :D

also like,, waking early is so over appreciated. and i see the dawn plenty bc the sun rises at like nine o’clock in winter if at all like,,, i get that its more constant to ppl who live closer to the equator and actually means something. i would wake up to see the dawn tho for the stillness of the world tho if it was with someone but only in daydreams bc why get up early when u can stay up late? that last one abt truths like lmao we get it u deep but yea i love trivia

FIRE: i don’t have straight hair • i like to wear ripped jeans • i play an organized sport • i love dogs • i am not afraid of adventure • i love to talk to strangers • i always try new foods • i enjoy road trips • summer is my favorite season • my radio is always playing

i love curly hair. i have really thick and stiff straigh af hair and i sometimes wish it had Even Waves bc id love to look more messy-cute ya know? bc now its all clean partings, no stray hairs. it looks too formal for my taste and id like for it to have some personality. i know i could just curl it with an iron or get it done but yea,,, i dont care That much

like im constantly told im crazy brave and i guess this applies to me? like i Did move at age 16 to my own in a city i have never been in with no one there who knew me and just,,, didnt even care. i tell others what ive been up to and they ooh and aah and im like?? but yea it does feel nice to be considered adventurous

also i love weird foods and am Not picky. in ninth grade home ec my kitchen needed to design a three course meal and dear fucking god was that a mess. we had one vegetarian lactose intolerant peep, one who didnt eat random shit like onions and bell pepper bc they taste bad (???) and so if a recepie had even a slightest bit of that he insisted it be left out or didnt even listen to the full recepie. and one who like,,,, would Not eat any foregin food. he wanted Potatoes and sausages. im like??? this is the final home ec test? this is supposed to showcase our skills,,, and you want boiled potatoes and plain sausage? what a mess lmao

WATER: i wear bracelets on my wrists • i love the bustle of the city • i have more than one set of piercings • i read poetry • i love the sound of a thunderstorm • i want to travel the world • i sleep past midday most days • i love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • i rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • i see emotions in colors not words

i moved to a city abt uhhh? half a year ago and i love it here :D theres nothing better than walking in the centrum with the pidgeons and street artists and ppl having a good time chatting and shopping

i used to sleep past midday but i try to not so much bc that worsens my mood a lot bc i feel really isolated spending so much of my time alone. but it is my natural way of being so i guess thats how it be sometimes

EARTH: i wear glasses/contacts • i enjoy doing the laundry • i am a vegetarian • i have an excellent sense of time • my humor is very cheerful • i am a valued adviser to my friends • i believe in true love • i love the chill of mountain air • i’m always listening to music • i am highly trusted by the people in my life

bad eyesight ://. i do kinda enjoy doing household chores when i have something to listen to or a call to be in but that hasnt been the case lately. i am not vegetarian but sometimes i do go days without eating meat by accident which i dont mind but like,,, yea. its bc i eat like, bread, noodles, cereal, and then there might be something vegetarian at school that i eat bc it looks like the tastiest food there

idk abt my humor? its kinda spicky, insulting to some. but i dont mean it its like friendly banter. but i put it on with ppl who arent friends of confy with that sometimes and i dont mean to honestly

AETHER: i go without makeup in my daily life • i make my own artwork • i keep on track of my tasks and time • i always know true north • i see beauty in everything • i can always smell flowers • i smile at everyone i pass by • i always fear history repeating itself • i have recovered from a mental disorder • i can love unconditionally

never really liked makeup, too much work for a thing i cant really tell is even there. the flashy types of makeup i dont like so much. also im already cute af

ive been told im organized as hell by my peers and i dont get it. thats just?? how i naturally do things. it like,,, is Impossible for me to put things in their wrong places. if its hard to put where it belongs then i dedicate a “pending” spot for it in a place thats easy. and i hate notebooks and instead use a binder filled with loose leaves that i can edit as much as i like :3

thanks for reading, hmu if u wanna say something abt the things i wrote. ill read it

#long post #me

[glitch-slime]

#1-49

ok i answered all of them below the cut

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

probably @vinorusso

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

im shy if i dont know you but once im comfortable around you good luck getting me to shut up

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

*whispers* @jj-pepsi

4. Are you easy to get along with?

yeah! i tend to get along with most folks as long as you dont insult me and arent an asshole!

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

gosh i hope so! i’d be a giggling mess someone would need to help me!

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

answered!

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

im in one right now~

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

joseph joestar

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends. as long as its with someone i know well then i’m okay.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@namethatghostling @vinorusso and @icetown666

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“AAAA”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Daft Pretty Boys – Bad Suns

Passenger Side – Smallpools

I Don’t Want it at All – Kim Petras

Beware the Dog – The Griswolds

All Men Are Pigs – Studio Killers

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

answered!

15. What good thing happened this summer?

well the summer is just beginning but last summer i got to go to pride and have a great time with my friends

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

answered!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

oh heck no.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yup!!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

no.

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick at my nails a lot, and i also sleep way too late.

22. Where would you like to travel?

i’d love to go to japan or ireland

23. Do you have trust issues?

nah, im pretty trusting until someone betrays me.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

most of it, but mostly my tummy

26. What do you do when you wake up?

lay in bed for an hour

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im fine with the skin im in,

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close friends!

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no. i dont talk to my exes.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

not thinking about it atm.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes!

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

*raises eyebrows* chris pratt and chris hemsworth.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

sziob bnz n

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

me? running? playing sports? i dont think so.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv, i would miss food network though.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yup, all the time.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

they’re sweet and kind, and incredibly understanding and compassionate, they’d be the first one i think of when i wake up, and the last before i go to bed. theyre always there to listen and ready to comfort me anytime 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

stuff with comics and games!

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well im in college…so….? 

i dunno, i kinda want to be a flight attendent

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

answered!

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACE SPACE SPACE

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

needing to use the bathroom does the trick.

46. What are you paranoid about?

dying alone, probably.

47. Have you ever been high?

nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yup, it was wild.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

who hasnt?

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i wish i didnt weigh so much.

53. Favorite makeup brand?

NYX

54. Favorite store?

it used to be gamestop, but now i work there so nah.

55. Favorite blog?

dailyjo2eph 

56. Favourite colour?

yellow, but i also like purple!

57. Favourite food?

answered!

58. Last thing you ate?

chicken wings

59. First thing you ate this morning?

uhh, nothing?

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i dont remember winning anything tbh

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope, im a good egg.

62. Been arrested? For what?

no! im a good noodle!

63. Ever been in love?

yes ;p

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

my first kiss was awful. the guy kissed me in front of my mom while she was looking wtf.

65. Are you hungry right now?

im always hungry.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tumblr friends are my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

still twitter.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yup! food network!

70. Names of your bestfriends?

im not giving out peoples names.

71. Craving something? What?

chocolate pudding pie…

72. What colour are your towels?

various colors, but mostly purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

6

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

way over 100

75. Favourite animal?

i really like whales

76. What colour is your underwear?

black.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

purple cow (its black raspberry with chocolate chips)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white

80. What colour pants?

n/a

81. Favourite tv show?

cutthroat kitchen

82. Favourite movie?

Josie and the Pussycats

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

uhh ive only seen the first one once

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

uhhh? 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

flo

87. First person you talked to today?

my mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

@jj-pepsi

89. Name a person you hate?

drumpf

90. Name a person you love?

@jj-pepsi @vinorusso @namethatghostling @icetown666 and @kohomint

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

drumpf

92. In a fight with someone?

nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 5 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

too many

95. Last movie you watched?

Life of the Party

96. Favourite actress?

melissa mccarthy

97. Favourite actor?

chris pratt

98. Do you tan a lot?

no

99. Have any pets?

i have 3 cats

100. How are you feeling?

pretty good

101. Do you type fast?

maybe?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret a lot of things.

103. Can you spell well?

not really

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nah.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yes.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yup.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

no, im pretty trusting.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i cry a lot, so i dont remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah, all the time.

115. Do you play the Wii?

yup, and switch, wii u, and ps4

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeah 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

love it.

119. Favourite book?

i like Percy Jackson and the Olympians series

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah

121. Are you mean?

i hope not!!

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

nope.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah

125. Do you believe in true love?

heck yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

maybe a little?

127. What makes you happy?

talking with my friends

128. Would you change your name?

nah, ive gotten used to it

129. What your zodiac sign?

answered

130. Do you like subway?

yeah, subway is fine.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

?? date them maybe?? idk??

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@vinorusso​ @namethatghostling​ @icetown666​

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Hold me close and hold me fastThe magic spell you castThis is La Vie En RoseWhen you kiss me heaven sighsAnd though I close my eyesI see La Vie En RoseWhen you press me to your heartI’m in a world apartA world where roses bloomAnd when you speak…angels sing from aboveEveryday words seem…to turn into love songsGive your heart and soul to meAnd life will always beLa Vie En Rose

134. Can you count to one million?

i mean theoretically, yes. in reality? im not doing that shit.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

cant really think of anything.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

either way! some nights i forget to close it, but it also doesnt stay closed

137. How tall are you?

5 feet 6 inches!

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have straight hair!

139. Brunette or Blonde?

im a brunette!

140. Summer or Winter?

summer, i hate shoveling snow

141. Night or Day?

answered!

142. Favourite month?

October!

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nah, meat all the way dude.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

debatable.

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars?? im not a fan of snickers. milky way is my favorite candy bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. - Vincent Van Gogh

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

answered!

#me #ask #ask me #Anonymous

[realdeadlovin]

Okay, typing in a bigger keyboard to see how it helps. now it feels too big. LOL.

Last night I didn’t drink but tonight I am. It feels nice but I’m suspicious of myself when I journal when I’m drunk. // kratom. I also worry that the substances, kratom especially, will interfere with my therapy and the mission of becoming more aware of my physical experience of emotions, and regulating/awareness of my nervous system. Blah. Maybe I’ll stop before I do EMDR but.... maybe not. If I had therapy every day.... anyways.

It feels good to feel excited about therapy but I always to try not to place too many hopes on it. There was something she said I was trying to remember.... about experiencing things intellectually. Maybe it just felt good for her to recognize that. I dunno anyways.

Maybe as ~homework~ I can try to do a better job recording my emotional experiences. It all just feels dumb. but after that clothing event --- felt shut down and irritable. Mostly because I messed up with aspen I think. minor-ish, but I threw that shirt at them that said “queer girl.” then when I wished I’d said something like, “I’m sorry, I forgot what the shirt actually said I just knew it was weird” I just kind of said “oh its just a shirt that says queer” ... whcih i shouldn’t have said, like it made sense in my head that idk aspends style is likst shirts that say shit about being gay, but I should have said something to acknowledge that I know they’re not a girl and that was a mistake. then i felt awkward and like I just fucked up and implied I didn’t know that they are non binary which I definitely do and had realized immediately as soon as I realized what the shirt said. and just feeling awkward at the event in general, like I didn’t know what to say to inmn or lyle etc. and awkwardly standing waiting to leave. none of it a huge deal ive just felt irritable this week. more irritable towards sophie. and today... what annoyed me first? tone stuff annoys me. but why. on the phone w/ MC... I guess just like hearing sophie go on and on about school and trying to express something about the public school system without sophie like jumping on me adn dominating... and i was annoyed before i even said it bc I knew she would have some strong lectury response, using *that tone* that triggers me. how many other things have annoyed me about sophie. a lot. its hard/weird like measuring my mood and my social reactions so often about one person.

ok, i dont’ think that was actually helpful in trying to discern triggers. i mean the aspen thing was yeah. oh, i’ve also felt all stuffy and shut downy around trying to plan the cabin thing, and also like.... what is this? is it that i don’t want to go to the cabin? or just that i grate against like being forced into decision-making space when i don’t want to?

i have noticed though that I/we are better at moving past these moments. even when our energy is clearly off (although sometimes I feel like I must hide my energy better than i realized i do) im better at like forcing myself to respond nicely to things and like participate and not shut down for no reason... i mean i am sort of shutting down energetically but going thru the motions of saying the normal nice shit until things feel more chill... or like today when things felt bad i went to my room and cleaned my room and listened to podcasts by myself and even thouhg i still felt ugh , when i came back in the living room like, we were find and normal. i wonder if that was also sophie reflecting like, that we can just be kinda irritable with each other and like, choose to move past it rather than need to process it. or if she just didn’t realize how off I was feeling. waht set me off then? was it just that litke i wanted to watch tv and she didn’t lol???? i think it was like her using the overly intense tone... what about that sets me off? when my family isn’t even intense? its like, having to take a moemnt seriously. or being annoyed at the way she wouldn’t just say she doesn’t wanna watch tv but had to waffle around it b/c of her like people pleasing shit. idk.

can/should I tell my therapist more about kratom, that i use it every day and that it probably is affecting my nervous system?

but so in terms of nervous system.... it just feels like dominantly irritability and then shutting down. im not noticing so much elevated shit. but maybe more like in the social situations like at the clothing event. could it be a thing like, i just feel lik ei used to get nervous then would come back out of it, or like it would either stay in nervousness or connectedness, and now it goes from nervousness to shut down. hm

[babevevo]

yall so i only slept like 2 hours last night so i took a nap midday and i had The Weirdest dream

so im with the friends gang in a city somewhere and we all have walkie talkies but theyre not really, its just you press a button on them and the others will beep as well. so anyway i think we¨ve been shopping. and ross is driving us home but rachel didnt have space to get in the car bc the car next to us in the parking lot was too close, so he like backs the car out so she can get in. but when she goes to open the door ross is like HeHe and backs up a bit more As A Joke BUT THEN HE JUST KEEPS GOING and eventually he’s like WELL we’re too far away nOW IM JUST GONNA LEAVE HER. SO WE LEAVE RACHEL IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE. and we’re all like ROSS WTF. so bc rachel doenst know this city we all have to go looking for her when we’ve come back to the house. some of us stay behind tho bc apparently we’re about to host a party. oh and also when we get back to the house some other people are there like the party has lowkey already started. and apparently we’re pals with Wyatt Oleff and Jaeden Lieberher bc they’re there and thats. kinda weird but ok.

so some time passes and then i get AN IDEA. i get my beeper walkie talkie thingy and i start pressing the button AND LO AND BEHOLD, RACHEL BEEPS BACK. and then it starts beeping quicker and quicker as she gets closer to the house until  i see her through our giant window!!! and its raining so shes in a yellow raincoat and really happy to be home. so everyone’s like YAY RACHEL MADE IT HOME and we tell pheobe and monica who r out looking for her and they get home. and then the like actual party starts, and a lot of people show up including some people from my old high school that i hated??? so im like :I this isnt Great but ok. anyway i was friends with one of them so i hang out with him for a bit and then i go take a nap bc i got tired. the other people from my high school have fucked off to the balcony or something. so then i wake up and im suddenly aware that i havent had a proper drink yet so i go to get myself one but i only get an energy drink which is not like me but okay. and i note that the friends gang are like, nowhere to be found. 

so anyway i go hang out with wyatt for a bit and we have a really good conversation about like our spotify playlists. but then some people want to dance and then i dont really know what happened but like two people fell over and started bleeding?? but only one of them bled for real idk. anyway the one that was fake bleeding then accused us of having hit them when really they just stumbled and fell when dancing. so theyre really pissed and also there’s blood on the floor. so i go to find jaeden bc apparently its his house now. so i poke my head into a room and i see wyatt and im like oh hey he probably knows where jaeden is. except its not wyatt its someone who looks like him, so i ask the next person BUT THATS NOT HIM EITHER, so i ask the third person and that is him and he’s like super offended that i thought the other two people who looked like him was him. but anyway he comes with me and is like okay everyone out this has gotten out of hand. and then jaeden turns up out of nowhere and is like yeah party over guys!!! and im like really worried about 1. the mess 2. the girls who fell over AND ALSO SUPER PISSED bc the friends gang have apparently just left??? bc they were like “we didn¨t know itd be this many people here” and me jaeden and wyatt were like “but we told them that like our entire class would be here whats their problem??” (whatever that means, i dont go to school so wtf) anyway people start clearing out and i go to clean in the kitchen when i find like a really rude note from the girl that was fake bleeding before? where she’s like “i know one of you guys punched me and my friend and if you dont apologize im gonna. hit you” or something and im like :0 BC NO ONE PUNCHED THEM WHATS HER PROBLEM. so her friend comes up and is like whats up and im like “yo ur friend is really weird” and she’s like “well okay but you have to see this from her perspective i mean theyre really hurt” and im like “BUT NO ONE PUNCHED HER THEY LITERALYL FELL OVER WHAT THE FUUUCK” and then she was like “okay but she hasnt really done anything so calm down wtf shes really sweet” and i like show her the note like “mhm okay look at this THEN” and then i fuck outta there. anyway so now jaeden is gone so i try to call his cellphone (WHICH APPARENTLY NOW ARE A THING), except when i get through its not him but his dad answering?? and he¨s WAAAY pissed that we’re having a party in his house, so i hang up. and then i go and check on the balcony where some people are like hanging out and crying and shit, except its not a balcony anymore its HUGE AS FUCK and more like a big ass room but like.. outside, sorta. oh and i forgot my friend was there as well and some people that ive never met but theyve been in my dreams before so when they came to the party i was like HEEY ITS YOU GUYS and they were like YOOOO LONG TIME NO SEE like kfgkdf it was so weird.

okay so after that i think i sorta woke up a little bit bc then my dream changed and it was a whole other thing with staircases and the last airbender but with an evil waterbender and my old friend from school was there and we were in a museum but then we werent and then we were stuck and being held captive and we called down a well & like a spiral staircase bc some guys from my school were there in our locker room but that was a whole mess that i cant even make sense of rn so fuck that cheerio 

#if anyone read through this whole thing - props to u #this was more for myself to remember this dope ass dream than anything else snort #i woke up and i was so confused #stfu ida #dreams

[cow1sequester]

EPISODE 4 - “I can't wait to be a silent background player that comes up and makes top 4″ - Patrick

TWIST: Kingdom

ELIMINATED: Will (Battle Match) // Ryan (10-3-1)

JAROD

That last round had me scared SHITLESS. The way I had a 20% chance of going home... I was quaking. I'm so sad for Christian because he seemed really sweet, and I can't believe that it went to the wheel. Someone must've been trying to do some shady shit. We probably won't be able to figure out who till after the season, but I am spooked by whatever happened last night and hope that it never happens again.

BLAKE

So! I’m feeling pretty good about my spot in the game! Sorry I haven’t made any confessionals, but I’m trying to lay as low as possible in order to just make it to the jury part of the game. I have strong relationships with a large portion of the house and I think I’m generally being perceived as somebody very just like... there? Which is fine for me: I don’t think I was ever in any danger TRULY so! Woo! I’m doing good mom 

OWEN

So yesterday was absolutely wild and a little frustrating. My original idea to NOT self vote paid off....lol. Our whole alliance was a mess tho because autumn was supposed to vote me but then will told me she told him she was voting him and I was like uhhh well she can’t vote me AND will so I messaged her and was like what’s goin on and she was like ‘oh haha I was just thinking about whether or not I should tell u not to vote urself’ like GIRL!?!? U were CONSIDERING screwing me over? Thanks Autumn. Anyways I was safe but the revote got me fucked up.... akeylah Ian Isaac jarod Blake and ryan were eligible: Isaac and Jarod the alliance wanted to save, Blake messaged a lot of ppl and I didn’t wanna lie to him again, and ryan is dad and also ppl wanted to keep him. Akeylah and Ian.... stressed me out. Akeylah and I were not on great terms but made up so I didn’t wanna throw her name out and also I thought she might pick me for battle. Ian is my friend before this game but we haven’t talked Much in it and I knew he wouldn’t pick me. And I didn’t have a lot of time to push anything because graduation shit so I let the vote be Ian.... AND THEN SOMEONE TRIED TI MESS WITH SHIT AND IT WENT TO WHEEL AND I LOST CHRISTIAN :((((((( I’m so so so sad. I liked christian almost more than I liked talking to my alliance. Not only did I lose my closest ally but I also had to do major damage control with Ian. It wasn’t that major lmao but I agreed to an alliance of him Blake and beck and I like them. Idk that round kind of tanked  my game a bit it proved my alliance Of six is too big to have any kind of coordination, autumn was willing to do her own thing and screw me over, jared and I didn’t see eye to eye, I lied to Blake, I almost or basically did screw Ian over, I lost christian..: it’s bad. But at least I’m still here right 

JARED

I just want to make a quick confessional about how I went about last round because it was pretty chaotic. I knew the only way to guarantee safety was if I had more than one vote against me, so I went around to various people and tried to show them that a good goal was to aim for 0 votes. That is because I could then get them to use their vote against me. Once I had accomplished this with Patrick, Jarod, Raul, and Beck- I could confidently go to Juls and tell her to vote for herself and that I would vote for her as well, making us both safe. Raul didn't actually vote for me, he came to me and said that 'Beck is voting for me because he and I don't talk much.' Because Raul was under the assumption that I would already have 2 votes (Beck and myself), he wanted to use his vote on someone else. This showed me that I can trust Beck and Raul because they are both protecting me from the other. Then when the results came out, I made a chat of the 10 people who were not vulnerable, and tried to convince everyone that avoiding the wheel was the best option. It seemed to work and we came to a plan of '7 votes Blake, 3 votes Ian.' (Ian getting evicted.) But my intention was to spoil it and throw my vote on Ryan because I trust him the least. I actually ended up falling asleep before I voted, and we still ended up going to the wheel because 1 or 2 people did not follow through with the plan either. With anonymous voting that was bound to happen, but trying to avoid the wheel was worth a shot. My gut tells me either Will or Nathan spoiled it.

BLAKE

so i just found an LOS !! so excited about it!!! obviously, my goal is to only use it if im being dragged in. with owen in royalty i feel really safe this round and my goal is to just agree to every movement the kingdom wants, and hope the knights also want that to occur, in order to set up owen and autumn to get chosen for the battle match this week by an angry nominee! all the while keeping my hands clean and the los secretly in my pocket ! i think my perceived inactivish will help conceal the fact i have this. nobody will find out !

JARED

I'm getting exposed I don't know shit about Macbeth

PATRICK

Okay so this is my first confessional and thats kinda shitty. So in the first week i was just getting the gist of everything and then as Alexis Matteo would say BAM! right into the battle round. I won that and was so happy because I just went home first in my game before this. Week two we got split into two tribes and i wanted to work with nathan because i liked him and we love ari. but then something happened with raul and everything got all mixed up. Nathan told me raul was targeting me so i tried to go against raul and rally the people whos names were coming up. and then i got voted out lmao. But i won the hardest thing ive done in an org ever tbh. That 5x5 board of challenge was SO stressful but i felt like amazing coming out of that a winner, like AMAZING. and then week three WHEW IM SAFE me and jared out thought the system and i voted for him giving me 0 and him 2. genius. He then became the person i trust the most, if i make it to the end and lose to him i wont care. but then we tied twice became vulnerable LOL. Christain got rocked out and did the most unchristian thing i have ever witnessed and sent me into my THIRD ELIMINATION. but thankfully I don't thnk will wanted to compete and because of the LOS twist i got oneeeeee and also got introduced to rina sawayama which was two good outcomes. and now its week four and im safe from the vote which is like the only time i really feel like i have to worry because i feel like people will be afraid to against me in a battle match post jury. I just need to make it there and play my LOS right in way to save myself or jared. I can't wait to be a silent background player that comes up and makes top 4. THIS IS FOR YOU MICHAEL HEARNE

BLAKE

so! whiplash... i decided to tell beck about the los because i want to work with him. im morally obligated to do that now, so i can morally hold it above beck if he does decide to ever vote me out

#cowsequester #episodes

[pokefanbri]

I wish i could hold a conference with all my exes in it 🤣 & be like..

Look, yall are great..some of u bastards fucked my shit up, some of u were really great, 1 I married, & others both great & an asshole lol. But I love or loved every one of u fuckin idiots.

All 5 of you ill never forget. But im a long term relationship kind of girl, I need someone permanently, has their shit together & priorities straight including me as 1 of those priorities. Someone as pure intention & with a heart of gold as I. If u cant love me for me or at my best, that im not good enough for your high standards or raised bar I cant reach cuz im a shortshit lol, then I dont have time for a scummy dbag 🤷‍♀️ Its hard enough to find a great girl like me as it is within that trail of broken hearts behind u.

I need someone with a good head on their shoulders & knows their shit just as I do. Both parties can provide in more ways than 1 in a relationship. I can take care of a man as long as its the same in reverse, embrace all of me as I am and I the same. Ive only fucked up 2 of my relationships myself, the rest falls on the guys & u fucked it up too, but its usually never me & im the 1 breaking up with yall 9/10 😂 cuz sometimes it doesn't go anywhere & some of yall moochers when i live under my own roof don't lie lol. At least 4 ive been madly in love with, including the recent one. 2 of those 4 broke up with me cause of whatever tf they're dealing with. Based on the pattern the next guy will probably be after another 5 yr dry spell again who knows.

This is what im looking for in reality. Im fucking tired, stressed, im 30. I want to settle down, have kids! 5-10 yrs from now itll be too hard to conceive, 20 yrs from now i won't be able to. At 30 i want my 1st child to be 20 when im 50 lol not 10 when im 50 yo wtf lol. I cant adopt, & i cant parent on my own. A couple of u wanted that too, even to pass down your blood line & heritage..its what I also want.

🔥My husband has moved on, theres no going back as far as im aware. I messed that up real bad choosing someone over him...& i didn't originally want to in the 1st place. But cause of that decision I got to see more of the world & went out of my comfort zone..i wouldn't ever take that back cause regardless of how things played out, i don't regret it as it was 1 of the best relationships i ever had even if he doesn't think so 😘 Im confident he misses me too in some way. Love u darlin always ❤ And I really do thank u & am truly grateful for the time we shared...but becoming a "better man" falls on u big guy, nobody else. Unless u are to help a girl in the same way..better eachother, srry but its true. U wanna be better then it involves advice & criticism, which is what most of this blog & my 2nd insta is about...listen closely. And don't be using that song to lure in empathic women on purpose, boi its retarded unless u really do mean well. And a relationship isn't just about u, u know this... u have to be smart enough to realize this..its common sense. And im sorry u "lost interest" in our short time without experiencing the relationship to the fullest & b4 really getting to know my true outgoing self. U held yourself back the whole time...idk if you're afraid of not being close due to something ur dealing with..but it's beneath u, & u have alot to learn. Look at the positives of our relationship instead of dwelling on the negatives. We had so much chemistry, but if u actually do only see a girls beauty on the surface, instead of seeing it within them & yourself then it surely lacks & needs to be worked on. If so knock it off bro lol. U liked it when I cleaned up good anyway & straightening my hair "like barbie doll" so wtf lol, i am pretty so f u if u think i wasnt lol🔥

Look I Always put people 1st b4 myself, i care way too much, but yall have done me wrong in some way & im absolutely sick of it. U want a girlfriend like when u were younger, & play the field then fine. But unlike u most girls don't wanna play, they want someone that'll stay 🎤

Whether its 1 of u previous dummies sparking it up again cuz yea it happens, or a new guy. This is for u & i give my word & accept u to whoever my babe will be. From a guys pov but still means the same.

Believe it

https://youtu.be/cttSIwQ2TI4