#idk maybe I should do some work myself

[zebratimw]

Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it... #I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀 #irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living... #just the ol regulars yknow? #and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want? #I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what? #whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate? #so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it? #that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

[thenwethrowitonthefire]

Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family

#fucking hell #it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister #who was equally dreading the day #my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt #then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present) #multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way. #combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high #weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells. #this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing. #then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on. #my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence #i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum #who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?) #me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting. #Which amuses the bored and the deaf #but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed #they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes #finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism* #still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously #(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something) #me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room #and made things appear that should not be there #I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go #you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room. #i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear #I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that. #the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well #she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer #maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk. #can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important

[roseofcards90]

Today feels so off wtf 😭😭😭

#maybe it’s because I feel bad for not being productive in some way #but also like I’m in that avenue of “my friends secretly hate me for some reason idk why but they just do” 💀 #but also my stomach hurts so that’s not making my mood any better #idk I’m thinking to myself lol #and whether or not I should go back to work for only 3 weeks #my posts

[bluesidedown]

hnnnnnnnnngggggggg

#everything is Hard today ugh #i am anxious because i need to respond to some emails and deal with some student loans stuff that i've been putting off #and i frankly don't want to do anything. at all. #and i really should go out and figure out how to take the bus and explore the city a bit more #but that's frankly exhausting levels of effort actuallyj #and if i could bribe myself with going to a nice little coffee shop somewhere and hanging out there for a while i could maybe #convince myself. but that's hard too! #because i would have to do the thing where i look like an idiot when i order because idk quite how it works here and i don't speak enough #of the language to actually do that #and then idk what the acceptable kinds of coffee shop activities are. like am i gonna be super weird if i bring my laptop or a book #and hang out for a couple hours alone? idk. and also will they have wifi at the coffee shop? also do not know #and i should just bite the bullet and ask someone about it but that feels hard too because asking people things is hard. and honestly #i should just schedule in a good little cry but i don't wanna. ugh.

[holyluvr]

Getting a good hit of indica that’s a little stronger than vapes I had last time after I ran out of my indica is Hallelujah Praise The LORD and that kid with ADHD

#… #I need indica or antipsychotics both to function. an upper and a downer of some sorts. stimulate then depress. over and over again. daily. #TBH one of the dreams/goals that I still haven’t let myself let go of despite knowing the stats and likelihoods of the outcomes…. #well anyway one of those dreams is to somehow fix this. to meet a doctor who has a treatment plan or life change idea that works on the drug #dependency / the ‘maybe’ acquired brain injury issues. #the ‘is this idiopathic narcolepsy or is this ABI from drs or would you consider this probable narcolepsy from ABI from drs or?’ issues. #the ‘it’s harder to put together a clear understanding of your health overall’ comments followed by silence bc they don’t need to say it lol #it’s hard because no one has known what my health ‘should’ be like. know one has any labs without me on psychotropic medication combos. #they have partial proof from brain scans for the conclusion that my brain was just .fried to deal with me/make me easy and good. didn’t work #and they don’t even need proof to know that medication combos in their own profession shouldn’t be used together or are only used together #in extreme cases with no options left that they immediately fucking jumped into and were lucky I didn’t DIE so many times but fuck yeah #now my brain hurts and I’m not how I was beforehand but don’t rlly know why or how to express it #and I feel alone there and then I have bitch ass doctors telling me to Just Stop The Meds For A Fee Weeks :-)! …..Dr u have no idea huh do u #a few weeks? give me 3 days before I’m having a psychotic episode that’s severe enough to warrant police arrest or 911 called for me. #that’s thousands of dollars in a legal psychiatric hold. and that’s if someone catches the signs on time before I potentially harm myself or #like yeah no I’m sorry doc but i can’t just Simply Stop or Substitute anti-anxiety drugs when I’ve had them holding me together b4 puberty. #anyway I’m still. hoping I’ll find some info somewhere or stories and people like me who figured something out or anything idk #because my medical testing is interfered by medications that I cannot stop taking (mainly benzodiazepines) without losing my mind now. bad.

[sunshades]

I shouldve written ch4 faster cuz my writing juice has been going low in this past month and now I might be falling back in the the no writing rut... hmm

#bell.txt #might just be some depresso maybe. 'just' KNDISKWKDJ but u know how hard it is making art and stuff #i do wanna write the church emoji knot emoji yuri for sure I'll try to post that #but ch4 idk. i guess we'll be seeing whether to post or just finish writing for myself BWAHAHA #i dont know godddd drawing and writing are both awful should i just work on my thesis and be a good student. ough #negative / maybe

[your-fave-is-bi]

I need. A new knitting project.

#personal tag #i thibk part of me is putting off seaming together the cardigan bc i dont want it to be over? #bc i dont have other knitting projects ready to go #im working up a single small ball of yarn that i got gifted some christmasses ago into like. what i have been calling my idle projects #my like idle knits. knitting i do when im watchinf streams or shows. knitting i dont have to pay attention to at all #maybe i should teach myself some new stitches? idk

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt

[surreal-duck]

messing around a bit

#delete later #man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird #trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg #shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me #should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔 #still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess #just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made. #im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough. #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony #well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole #even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw #actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself #but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate #hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week #man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay #hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini #masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh #ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini #aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr #me when i have to do my job at work #i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower #sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit

[nevoadecaipora]

.

#it makes me sad to be so sensitive with my friends #but it's really hard to talk to someone who's only studying and being funded by their parents about not having time because if work #i feel like an asshole everytime I have to remind them that I'm actually fucking broke and now part of the family income #some other group chat was telling me that I should avoid them for a while because they're being kinda rude #but like they're my friend since high school #and I don't want to believe they're doing this like out of malice #and maybe I'm actually pretty fucking sensitive #like there's nothing more that I want than to live my life and enjoy the fun of youth #but I'm fucking broke and I have to help my parents keep the house running #like besides me my dad is the only one with income in the house #and this shit weights on him he gets worried and anxious and I don't want him to be like that #since my mom's and brother's depression it's been me and my dad keeping stuff running #and my dad's income is jot super stable #like I don't want to make myself the victim but like i want to have fun too and hang out #but I can't cause I have to help the assholes make millions while they give me scraps #this is a frustrating week and I fucking hate rich people #my friend used to hate them too and have class conscience idk what's happening #or maybe i know i just don't want to believe it #anyways #i'm ranting #diário fudido da CLT

[mainfaggot]

oh also shes straight

#and the part of me thats empty hopeless and constantly passively suicidal scores a goal! #a win for the agony within! #a loss for whimsy hope and serenity and the part of the me that is trying to heal and move forward without the weight of it all defining me. #it's like. im not surprised. why did i have expectations #why did i hope. i shouldnt hope. im so stupid. i shouldnt hope i should know better than that. im scarily lacking substance. im a shell #im a puppet. i cant form lasting relationships im an actor im a liar it would've never worked anyway #-> me going insane in real time #-> i sound so dramatic like go watch txt to do and chill out maybe ⁉️ #idk lol 😐 #im not giving up bc she said we should hang out again and friendship is always an option and she already #knows too much about me at this point so it's too late to back out #here is to befriending her for the sake of allowing myself to exist imperfectly and for the sake of hanging out with someone every week for #funsies and nothing else. we dont need to have some grand connection. she doesn't need to have a crush on me. we can just be #on campus buddies #we can meet during the summer at some points too maybe #idk. idk i want to disappear i think bc i really feel like i embarrassed myself by being so open about my insecurities #i should've put on the mask i usually wear #but i didnt #and everything thats pathetic about me was on full display #i don't know. god. i dont know #what matters is i made her smile a few times. my unnecessary commentary got a laugh out of her a few times too #the world is still spinning #the air was refreshingly chilly on my way home today #i got rained on and came to class looking beautiful despite my carefully slicked back hair falling into my eyes #my spanish professor agreed with my thoughts on the text we were analysing #z.post

[wikagirl]

yo anyone else having the issue that you're being weirdly fatphobic towards only yourself?

#idk why I always hate something on me that I love on others #maybe It's because I lack the confidence to rock certain outfits/pieces so it looks off on my bc I don't math the vibe of the fit #I had to wheigh myself today to fill out a form that arrived in the mail yesterday #just a questionare for my doc about how I'm handeling my meds so far #and since the meds completely knock out hunter for some folks they can lead to eds and rapid wheightloss #I actually gained some wheight after my extreme drop when I started working #I'm assuming it's muscle mass because for the amount it went up I should see visual changes/have clothes fit different but there is nothing #in that department #but after being snuggeled up in warm sweaters for 3 months having to strip down and actually do an assessment on your body is #its ugh #just ugh #but I guess being the “fat” girl in a class of girls who were literally flexing on eachother with how often they purge #and thus you being picked on for your wheight will do that kinda shit to you #personal #tw body image #tw bulemia mention

[the-kipsabian]

aight im looking at my wip list rn (like actual work i have started so far)

#time to try to remember what each of these are lol #but welp im not gonna bother myself with these today we'll see tomorrow. try to get something done or whatever #i feel like im writing a lot and idk maybe im being a bit pushy at myself about it? but also i have six wips right now which. never happens #and i mean in a way where i intend to finish at least some of them so like #plus im enjoying it. while im pushing it it also doesnt feel forced in a way like i genuinely enjoy making this stuff #i just like to poll it a lot cause im indecisive most of the time and it gives me a better pov on what people might be interested in seeing #ofc im still first and foremost writing for myself but i mean it helps if people wanna actually read stuff lol #..also yes i will be getting to the requests again soon. just seeing few new characters i should tackle is kinda intimidating oof #tho i have ideas so. eventually. wont open new requests before those are done thats for sure #sorry about the wait im just like that lol #anyways heres a poll first for this weekend. maybe we'll do request work next weekend since im all free then hmmmm #night is an absolute mess on main

[eggmeralda]

happy 10th anniversary to when I started remembering everything forever

#the day i watched that video #that led me to another video #where i heard that song #that got me into that band #and i became obsessed with that genre #and 13yo me was like ''this seems like a significant moment. maybe i should remember it'' and then i have done so with #every memory since then #anyway apparently 6 sep 2013 was when i liked the video #also while we're at it. happy 9th anniversary to the depression day 1 #nothing caused it in particular i just. got depressed on that day and then my brain has been different since #idk what i was doing 8 years ago. probably depriving myself of sleep to get high and probably listening to the who #actually wait no the day before i read about the catcher in the rye and 15yo me was like wow he sounds soo <3<3 #so i imagine the next day i was Thinking about holden caulfield. even though i didn't read the book until december #i know this day in 2016 i was listening to the monkees. nothing specific i just know i was going through another massive monkees phase #2017?????? no recollection #2018? also idk #2019 i feel like despite being a good year some bad vibes were starting to settle in #2020 i was on a camping trip :) #2021 i was also on a camping trip :) but this one was dead. first one was good though #2022 i was probably at work. thinking about swag. eating honeycomb bites. and watching breaking bad i imagine #and 2023 i am in the sad thoughts bc i need to get a job but my executive dysfunction is preventing me from doing anything #anyway happy 10 years of weird obsessive memory hoarding <3 #ramble

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could skip forward to December 23 already

#i cannot stand my own whining but god i hate my life rn lol #i mean it's all my fault but i don't see myself improving in this environment #i should just try to ignore myself for the next 3 weeks #i can start packing up and throwing away stuff i won't need here anymore and maybe I'll feel less stifled #idk #just get through it i guess #this weekend I'll be away one last time and then there's only 2 weekends left #then it's essentially only 2 more weeks because the last week doesn't even count #finals start in 2 weeks already so i should be occupied #i still haven't even started my paper i already asked for an extension for and should hand in in November #instead of October #i just need to start focusing on anything but food intake and exercise and my body and I'll be fine #the days only seem to go by so slow suddenly because i'm literally not doing anything but hate my current state #so tomorrow I'll work on my paper and go running or take a walk and I'll book my bus tickets for the weekend #I'll find some enjoyment in occupying my mind with anything but myself #(sounds wrong. but i guess my problem really is that I'm focusing too much on how i dislike everything about me and need to change it #while the solution would be to simply not care and live my sad little life) #void screams #(((affirmation: i will not cry myself to sleep tonight ♡ i will face another day without a mental breakdown over how Wrong i am ♡))

[pepprs]

ok i took a nap sorry for miseryposting

#purrs #i don’t feel better per se but i do feel less angry so i think that’s good. but i did have a fucked up and disturbing dream so now im #focused on that a little bit but it’s whatever. i think i just feel stuck in my life and overwhelmed rn but i have to be gentle with myself #and okay with accepting outcomes that are compromises even if i really don’t want to. but idk. i have to think on it more. and i wish i felt #less lonely bc i KNOW i am not it’s just i have no emotional object permanence and i keep dismantling all my inoculations and then crying #out for more inoculations and i don’t know how to stop. and now im getting upset again typing this so I’m going to stop even though i havent #gotten to the end of my thought yet and like reblog some things or watch a video idk. i really need to find a counselor and speaking of #which i feel like someone told me lately (on here probably and ididnt reply im sorry) that my counseling place should give me referrals to o #other places and they didn’t and maybe it’s bc i told them i was taking a break from counseling but i am kind of like 😐😑. but i’ll figure it #out and find someone. i think there’s a thing i can do through work i just have to gather the spoons to actually do it and i spent all of th #them on the drivers manual today. also i read like half the drivers manual today! which is something to acknowledge. ok im done now bye