#idk maybe if i had more social life i'd be happy to have my own apartment

[hypergamiss]

hello queen, I have a pathetic question about dating: how to not feel jealous at those who seem like they’ve found “the one” already? Ik all that stuff about everyone being on their own journey and stuff, but it does hurt sometimes. I’ve never even dated so seeing everyone find their one is heartbreaking sometimes. Ik there’s the bad parts of dating such as my friend saying her guy is the one and love of her life (they recently bought a house together) but also that he plays video games often and she feels bored and lonely at times. Sometimes tho I just want that relationship for the dumb sake of saying I have a boyfriend, or that attention. How the hell do you get over it and be content with yourself? It genuinely feels like no one is single around me /: maybe I’d feel differently if I had some single friends to relate to? Idk I just feel jealous all the time, and it isn’t good for me or my future. I should be focusing on creating the best version of myself but this insecurity is holding me back. It feels like a what do these girls have that I don’t? My friend told me a lot of ppl just settle and that’s why they’re in relationships but it didn’t make me feel better. I just want to find my “one” perfect ambition, hard working guy already. Sorry for venting, I love your account and advice.

Listen, social media is a dating reality show edited to make you feel like a loser. All you get are the bouquets and champagne dates, never the screaming match about dirty dishes. But lemme tell you, relationships are WORK. Even those picture-perfect couples have their "Why did I do this?" moments and silent car rides filled with unspoken resentment. That's just reality, even if it doesn't fit on an Instagram caption.

Being single can be tough, but let's not pretend relationships are a magic fix. It's about trading one set of problems for another, usually spicier ones. Don't get me wrong, the right person is worth it, but life isn't a fairytale. Notice how those couples with the constant PDA often go silent when things get messy?

Here's where self-discovery comes in. Sometimes those relationship cravings are masking something else – a need for excitement, validation, whatever. Figuring that out is way more productive than doom-scrolling relationship goals.

You think having a partner is this automatic happiness upgrade, but I've been on the other side, in a relationship feeling lonelier than ever. Trust me, it's a mind-blowing kind of awful, followed by a new level of depression. That's the thing nobody talks about.

So, I rock my single status because guess what? I've got standards. Settling for mediocrity just to avoid being alone? Nope. I'd rather invest my energy elsewhere. Because contrary to all that rom-com nonsense, you can't outsource your happiness to another person. You gotta build that for yourself.

A healthy relationship is two happy people adding to each other's lives, not draining each other dry with emotional baggage. That's why I'm perfectly content rolling solo until the right one comes along. Do you want dependence and drama? There are plenty of trashy reality shows for that.

Yeah, it's different from the usual "find your soulmate" BS, but it's REAL. You want fulfillment? Build that life for yourself first. The rest either falls into place, or you realize you're happier without another person's dirty socks in the mix.

[toomuchracket]

girlie worries that she’s not fitting in with the other mums at school because she’s such a career girlie and doesn’t have time to be at the coffee mornings and stuff. She cries to Matty about how she doesn’t think she’s a good mum and he’s having none of it. He suggests inviting some mums and kids round for dinner. And he is just the dilfiest, best host, gorgeous husband ever. Idk which universe but maybe D Word bc Matty being about 10 years older than all the other adults is appealing lol

aww :(( bless you, honestly. like you're there in the playground when you drop your kids off at school/nursery (for the purposes of this ask lyla is in her first year at primary school and alex is at the nursery attached) and when you pick them up. and you and matty try to go to as many of the little events as you can, but it's hard if he's away and you're busy at the office; there's one instance where you really can't take a morning off for a charity coffee morning at the end of the financial year, so you drop lyla off with a donation and some cookies you made together. when you pick her up, though, you feel awful - you were the only mum out of her little friend group that wasn't there that morning. nobody says anything bad at all; lyla was just happy to be eating cakes with her friends lol, and all the other mums are very lovely and understanding and like "you missed a good morning, but it's really no big deal, don't worry!", like genuinely so sweet, but you really worry that you're not fitting in with them properly and how that might affect lyla, and that you're a terrible mum missing out on these moments with your kids because you were at work.

matty gets home from being away recording that night and immediately knows something's up with you, but he doesn't ask what until you've put the kids to bed and started getting ready for your own. he's so tender with you that you just start crying about how guilty you feel about missing the coffee morning, because you think you upset lyla by not being there, and that you feel like a bad mum for missing these moments; matty takes your face in his hands and wipes your tears with his thumbs like "hey, hey, stop, sweetheart, literally none of that is true. firstly, we honestly can't beat ourselves up about missing little things like that - sometimes it's unavoidable, and we make up for it by doing what we can when we can. and our baby wasn't upset in the slightest, really - she listed in detail to me every cake and biscuit she ate, trust me, she had a fucking great day", which makes you laugh a little bit. matty smiles and kisses your head before he says "and as for you thinking you're a bad mum? that's the biggest load of rubbish i've ever heard in my life - you're the best mum in the world, babe. our babies are happy, healthy, loved, loving, caring, intelligent little people, and you're responsible for a massive part of their development into all that - and, of course, responsible for how fucking cute they are. i'm calling dibs on developing their senses of humour, though", and laughs when you wince at the last bit; he softens and says "there's nobody else i'd rather do any of this with, and i am so grateful to you for all of it. it's a joy and a privilege to get to watch you parent, and to do it with you. i love you, sweetheart, i really do. and our kids". you kiss for a little bit and tell him you love him too, before going to bed. when you're lying there spooning, matty's like "i think we should invite some of the other families round, yeah? have a barbecue or something, maybe stop us feeling a bit out of the loop". you agree, and the next morning you send out a text to the families of a few of lyla and alex's friends, who all live like 3 streets away maximum, asking them to come over next saturday.

and it's a perfect day - matty's in his element, being all social and sweet and sexy in his glasto outfit (but slightly more buttoned lol), making sure everyone has enough food and full glasses and the kids are having fun. your babies are running riot with their friends in the sunshine, playing tag and football and whatever else takes their fancy, and you spend the day half swooning over your actual dilf of a husband and half chatting to the other parents and really getting to know them. you're honest about your feelings of guilt, and you're so surprised when literally everyone else is like "we feel the same about our kids and ourselves!" - you feel a lot better, so matty does too, and you all make a little pact to support each other's kids at the events you can go to, to ensure they're all happy even if their parents aren't there. and it's also nice to hear people, after they see matty kiss your head and see you both with your kids, tell you "the way you two are so obviously in love is adorable. beautiful couple, beautiful family. and you're all so chill! it's great"; matty just smirks and pulls you into his side like "thanks, it's all down to my wife. she keeps us all together, she's just the best" ("and the milfiest", he whispers in your ear to make you laugh) <3

#mads answers asks #matty asks #fluff asks #d word matty #literal d word

[rachymarie]

Fellow autistics or sensitive skin babez please I need to know (buckle up this gon' be a long one):

Have you found that your skin has gotten more intolerant as you age or have I just been masking how in pain i am for like the majority of my life out in public wearing normal people clothes??

I just had to go out grocery shopping etc with stockings on under my (what would have otherwise been super comfy) sweat shorts (the blue Pantone ones from Boohoo, oh how I love them) bc I hadn't shaved in a few weeks and didnt want to put the public eye thru that lol (idc what other people want to do with their body hair, just do what makes you feel happy but I admit I just can't fully shed the social conditioning I grew up with to keep my own legs and pits hairless if they're gonna be on show) - and it was somewhat excruciatingly itchy at first and I don't think it truly died down, but with all the distractions of shopping etc I did kinda get used to/forget about it a little. But as soon as I got home at the soonest possible moment I changed back into pjs, one of the only type of clothing my skin can handle anymore.

So yeah I've either lived a whole life in pain/discomfort, spending a lot of energy and distractions masking it until I was used to feeling horrible all the time (I used to wear predominantly tight clothes for a large portion of my life), or my skin has gotten less tolerant as I suspect.

Or do we just grow less apt at masking our discomfort as we age?

Younger autistics please bear in mind - and I'm not really even THAT old yet but I am a decade+ older than teenage years now - well, when I was growing up I feel like it generally wasn't "cool" to be autistic?? Or any kind of neurodivergent, unless you count emos bc a lot of us were depressed and it was made a cool thing but i feel like people weren't getting disagnosed/the help we needed, instead self-harm was trendy etc, it was kinda problematic af. and I feel like most of us went undiagnosed (for a lot of issues, actually), especially women and other afab. And now we're just trying to get our struggles recognized/a name for our struggles and failure to be "normal" all these years, and maybe even some bloody help for it, rather than being told we don't matter bc we're "over the hill" now or something and only kids struggle with autism? Lol

Do any kiwis have affordable suggestions for pants I can buy that don't look like pyjamas? If I could cut damn Polyester and the likes out of my life for pure fabrics I would in a heartbeat, but it's not so easy.

The best pants I ever wore were my first pair of Peter Alexander (summer) pj pants - which I still have and are still intact, but can barely fit - back before the brand's quality went to complete shit (granted I have a few pieces that are great, but it's really hit and miss if you will actually get what you bought in one piece/without defects. I finally decided it's not worth it to buy Peter Alexander anywhere near full price. They're good with refunds but the quality control is like worse than Shein/Temu).

Those pants were 100% cotton and idk how they did it but they were like heaven in a fabric and I wished I could just wear them everywhere. Honestly felt like the first time I wasn't in any pain or discomfort at all wearing bottoms.*

Apologies this turned into a ramble with several tangents (even a brand review) but maybe it resonates with someone out there and hopefully it brings me some answers in time

Thanks for reading if you got this far <3 now I'd better tag some trigger warnings etc and then it's time to finally nap, feeling sick again after all the activity

*ok so as this ramble developed, it sparked a tangent ramble (rambleception), and another ramble on top of that, which I felt needed to be their own posts. Will link them below once posted:

[Tangent ramble 1] [Tangent ramble 2]

#actually autistic #autistic #afab autistic #afab autism #autism in women #ageing autistic #sensitive skin #highly sensitive #disability #schizospec #tagging schizospec just in case it's a schizospec thing #tw self harm mention #tw sh mention #self-harm mention #late diagnosed autistic #sensory issues #rambling #schizospec rambling #thinking out loud #Rachel rambles #harmful beauty standards #beauty standards #autistic masking #90s kid #old school emo #2000s emo #2000s emo things #autism struggles #the autistic struggle is real #the struggle is real

[sergio-para-siempre]

Hi. How are you? I'd like to ask you something, an opinion so to speak. Feel free to not engage if I am being inconvenient. It's just you seem really really fond of Sergio. You mentioned you're married and you display a very mature approach towards all subjects. I'm 37 and can't talk much about him with my friends. They look at me like I'm the second season of The Last of Us yet to be shot😅 The thing is I like Pilar a lot. I see many differences between her and Sergio but this is healthy and, besides, I believe they coincide in the real important life values. Otherwise they would not be raising 4 happy children together. However, she seems completely disconnected from his family. It seems to be getting worse. I think he doesn't give 2 fucks, pardon my language, keeps going strong between the 2 of them, but it sure must be a source of tension. Do you have any thoughts on that, any understanding of what the reasons are? I remember Mirian being glued to Pilar, all of them going fishing on sales in Madrid. And since he decided to make their union official in the church the relations derailed. When they released the clip, there is Pilar coming down the aisle, Sergio was crying and Paqui was looking at her as if she were going to commit murder... Idk. I just needed to vent after Alex's bday. Idk if it is possible for you to answer privately. Don't want to bring drama to your page which is hyped, good humored and full of easter eggs - La Cibeles tattoo was a killer ♥️ I let out a little uhuuu and came here to check if you had already seen it 😅 Have a great week.

Hi 😊 I'm gonna try to answer this somewhat coherently, but i can't promise anything 😉

So first of all, i'm gonna say i'm in a somewhat similar situation with my mother-in-law or family-in-law for that matter. She's a perfecty nice woman, i just don't have anything in common with her, like our personalities and our outlook on life are so different, that honestly i don't think she really knows what to do with me or how to talk to me (and we've known each other for almost 20 years). It's just what happens sometimes and granted my husband isn't nearly as close to his family as Sergio is, but at some point you find a way that works for everyone and it's really not that much of an issue. It's a bit sad maybe, but some families just aren't that close.

As for Pilar's relationship with Sergio's family. I agree, it doesn't seem to be all that close, but i don't think there's any bad blood between them either. They do spend most holidays together, they went to Paris for New Year's and so on.

i actually think there are two reasons why it might seem lately that they don't get along anymore.

One, Pilar is generally very aware of how she presents herself on social media. Most of her posts are for her career and even the more candid ones are usually from photo shoots or are staged in a way to portrait her in a certain image. I'm mean it's what social media is for when you're basically an influencer. But if she's in Sevilla with Sergio (and his family) she probably doesn't want to get dressed up and put on a full face of make-up, so sometimes i feel like she deliberately steps out of the pictures and videos to keep her privacy (if that makes sense).

And they've never been a couple who did everything together. They've always been pretty independent with their own circle of friends and their own hobbies and i guess it wasn't that much of a problem when they were still in Madrid and Pilar had all her friends and family close (I remember Sergio saying once how envious he was of her that she still had all her old friends around), but now that they're living in Paris, with their jobs and the kids, they only have so much time left for their friends and families, so i guess it's easier sometimes to just spend their days off separately with their own circle of people.

And i totally agree on the values part. They definitely seem very similiar in how they want to live their lifes and how they want to raise their family and in my opinion that's way more important for a healthy relationship than sharing the same hobbies or tastes. You're gonna have to agree on the big things and at least from the outside it looks like they do.

Anyway, i hope this makes at least some sense 😊

I hope you have a great day too and thank you for enjoying my blog 😘

#i didn't read over this again #so i'm pretty sure there are tons of grammar mistakes in there #sorry for that #also i just realized i have like 5 other unanswered asks i've been sleeping on #i'm sorry #i'll get to them soon

[polaroidcats]

15 questions

Thank you @squintclover for tagging me in this tag game!! <3 I loved reading your answers to these questions!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYBODY? No, my parents just liked my name, and its meaning. My mum originally wanted to name me Ursula but my dad vetoed that name because he was afraid I'd get bullied in school.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Uhmmmm probably last week in therapy?

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Nopeeeeeee just a fur babyyyyyy <3

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Yeah, but I've been trying to tone it down more because sometimes it leads to misunderstandings.

5. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? I can't think of any? Not a huge sports person. Love watching roller derby though, I WISH I could play that.

6. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE? Idk just their general vibes? And their hair and height and voice and things like that I guess.

7. EYE COLOUR? greenish swamp colour

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? ALL THE HAPPY ENDINGS PLS I don't like scary movies! I have watched exactly 2 scary movies in my entire life, and had my eyes closed or covered for both of them most of the time.

9. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS? idk what qualifies as a special talent? I taught myself to be ambidextrous out of boredom during online uni, so now I can also write with my left hand *insert bi joke here*

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? in a hospital :D

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? tumblerDOTcom!!1, reading (either political nonfiction books or ALL the fanfic), various arts and crafts, gardening, or just, lying in a hammock in the garden whilst reading, generally spending time in nature hiking, biking, swimming etc. I also recently also started playing the cello again more AND IT'S SO FUN!

12. DO YOU HAVE PETS? yes yes yessssss his name is apollo and i don't post enough about him so here's a pic:

he even has his own tag on my tumblr (#hungry greek god) but it's pretty empty so far. my former pet ella had the tag #my little roommate and she was adorable and i still miss her every day </3

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 176cm!

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? i think it used to be just all the language subjects, so english, french, german and latin (lol). can't relate to liking latin anymore but back then I LOVED it.

15. DREAM JOB? oddly enough I'm not a huge fan of the whole concept of jobs and capitalism, not sure what that's all about. but tbh as far as jobs go, i kind of have my ideal job? I've always said I want to do a combination of part time social work and part time something academic, like maybe at one point teach at a university or be part of a research team or something. And whilst that's stil far away I feel like I mightttttt be on a good path to get there which is honestly wild and incredibe and I don't want to jinx it!!

I never know who to tag in these games because I don't want to tag people who don't enjoy doing tags, so I'm not going to tag anyone specific buuuut if you want to do the tag please just feel free to pretend I tagged you, and then next time I'll know who to tag for real! <3

#tag fun #about me #squintclover #thank you for tagging me!! <3 #15 questions #hungry greek god

[joy-returns-in-the-morning]

Okay just finished watching all of Downton Abbey!! here are some thoughts. sorry for the length but I need to get this out of my system this has no particular order or reason I am just wringing out my mind like a dirty washcloth.

I feel like everybody here looooves Thomas. Probably like 90% of the Downton Abbey fanfiction on Ao3 are about Thomas. Um you guys know there are other characters in this show right? So I know it's unoriginal. But. I have to admit it. Thomas is my favourite and i love him <3

like they would be talking at dinner about Important Plot Things and Thomas is in the background serving appetizers and I'm like lol. there's Thomas. Then I'd have to rewind cuz I wasn't paying attention

but man he is so nasty at the beginning haha I think people forget that sometimes

I told my (blissfully offline) friend that I like him and she's like, why??? He's so mean???

IDK I like him BECAUSE he is mean! He's terrible and nasty and I like him for it!!

because like why should he be nice anyways? Should he be GRATEFUL to have the immense privilege of holding the door open for someone?? he's been handed an unfair lot in life and why should he be happy about it? poor little meow meow <3 <3

the costumes are sooo pretty. So glamourous! So beautiful! A real feast for the eyes. But like, it does seem all rather silly sometimes lol. Do you really need to wear a special outfit just to dinner. Do you really need so many staff to wait on five people XD

So I actually quite liked Tom's relationship with the family by the end of the series (especially him and Mary) their friendship is very sweet but Tom's arc still frustrates me soooooo much. Like oh yeah suuuure you're all about socialism and equality when you have to drive people around for a living but then you happen to marry a lady and suddenly you're all about upholding the same classist structures that once held you down. 🙄 What ever happened to your PRINCIPLES man?!! He has all the political backbone of a jellyfish. 

And like, Miss Bunting and even Miss Braithwaithe were RIGHT about Tom but they were made out to be SOOO obnoxious, like they were unreasonably painted as villains but at the core of it they were RIGHT. He WAS getting uppity. He WAS forgetting his roots.

Lord Grantham’s like "ooooh it's so sad those terrible brutal communists have been killing those poor innocent Russian aristocrats, oooh how horrifying i do not condone violence and killing" Yeah, but like... it's not as if the Russian peasants weren’t dying brutally at the hands of the rich and powerful for centuries. You weren't crying about it then.

Vera and Lavinia were like the same character to me. The same except so far the opposite it swung around to being the same. Vera was absurdly evil and Lavinia absurdly good and they both served no purpose except to be the obstacle to the One True Pairing 🙄

also Mr. Gregson's wife! Do we even learn her name? Poor lady is having a terrible time of it imprisoned in a mental hospital and literally nobody cares. :/ So much for those wedding vows, "in sickness and in health"

I think! Thomas and O'Brien's friendship is cute! so under-rated. partners in crime. they're in cahoots. >:3c Too bad it had to end like it did :(((

I think the plot with Jimmy would have been more interesting if Jimmy actually HAD led Thomas to believe he had a chance. Like if Jimmy's maybe having some weird feelings he doesn't know how to deal with. But then when push comes to shove Jimmy decides he just doesn't want to risk it and acts all offended to save his own reputation. Because as it is it felt like... a little too sudden. Or maybe I just feel too embarrassed on Thomas's behalf that he made such a mistake.

Anna and Mr. Bates. Ugh. I found their romance SO boring and tedious, so many obstacles were thrown in their way I forgot why they even wanted to be together in the first place. one of the worst subplots and they NEVER let it go

 Daisy was saying a lot of nasty things too by the end of the show honestly. But nooo Thomas is the mean one

 I feel like there is some sort of parallel that could be drawn between Ethel and Thomas. Or I'm not sure if it's a parallel but... how do I put this. If you think that Thomas's lot is unfair, then what happened to Ethel was also unfair. Because what did she do, really? The same thing I bet everyone on here wants Thomas to do. We all love Thomas but nobody really cares about Ethel. :/ idk I thought she had spunk and ambition and it's a shame they had to reduce her to a "fallen woman" subplot

it's so stupid that everyone had to get paired off at the end. Personally I don't see why Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes had to get married. oh the amatonormativity

on the other hand I think Mary and Carlisle should have married lol. XD Yeah they'd be unhappy. but they are suited for each other and it would certainly be INTERESTING haha (dunno how serious i am about this)

Edith’s outfits were always the nicest in my opinion. loved her colour scheme!

everyone's always like "oooohh noo our way of life is dying this is so sad" :((( I mean I guess?? It's sort of sad??? But ultimately. I Do Not Care about the lives of the British Aristocracy.

fun show all round

#downton abbey #thank you for coming to my ted talk

[katal0gue]

state of the katie address for september. weight tw i feel bad talking about that on here but oh well

weight fluctuating. like it's down overall from my heaviest but its not stable. i just want to max out my social acceptability stats man. like i don't necessarily recommend that for others and if i had other things going for me i would definitely be more okay with being fat (i'm not like...that unhealthy i just need to watch my cholesterol) but since i don't have an s/o or a socially functional sexuality or a place or a fulfilling career id like to at least enjoy the privilege of seeing a trendy blouse i like and knowing i'll be able to find one that fits me. i binge ate cheese last night and i guess if i had to reflect on why i did that it would be because i was bored. i think having some nice sensory stimulation that isn't food would help like nice fragrances? i can't have candles in my room so maybe a plug in air freshner.

i have no sense of routine besides going to work and watching jeopardy with my family and i've tried to implement routines but i don't stick to them. the autist in me wants a steady daily routine but the obsessive in me wants to make sure im doing the Right thing and obsesses over the different benefits of like night vs morning showers

i want to move out and travel both of which cost money and idk if i should get a job (or pursue a degree? whole other can of wyrms) in a better place and move there, or move out into a place near my current job, or continue living at home for a while to make it financially easier to travel over breaks and PTO

i'm very depressed because i feel unfulfilled. doing stuff with the library is kind of fun but i don't put my all into it because i shy away from the social interaction aspect especially talking on the phone. i want to go to school or start a project or new hobby or give my effort to something but i don't know how to choose one thing over anything else. life a series of closing doors.

other than the desire to move out and travel that i can't fulfill when other people my age can, I could have also said all of this in high school. i've gotten moderately better at a variety of things but

im really good at making fliers and i finally have the chance to do it a lot for the library because the president of the fundraising group realized we should stop asking the library graphic designer to do everything for us and ask Katie instead <333 which owns and i'm happy about it. Nothing makes me feel better than other people needing a skill that i contribute.

making fliers/posters/graphics is something i've been consistently praised for but its something where im better at it than the average person but worse at it than people in the field so I am useful to people with 0 graphic design abilities but i don't think i'd be very competitive in the field.

#weight tw

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

got tagged by @batsarebetterthanpeople

1. Are you named after anyone?

no. my parents specifically tried to pick a name that nobody they knew had. which is insane to me bc my name is like one of the most generic girl names in existence but i guess that wasn't the case when i was born

2. When was the last time you cried?

ok i genuinely think it was a few weeks ago when i was at work and i started thinking about stede. and before that it was a few months before that when i was at work and i started thinking about ed.

this is kinda crazy to me bc i used to cry all the fucking time? but also i used to be way more depressed lol so i guess the fact that i can't remember the last time i cried over something in my actual real life is a good thing

3. Do you have kids?

god no. not yet, anyway

4. Do you use sarcasm.

too much, probably. also my voice is kinda monotone so sometimes ppl think im being sarcastic when im not. that's gotten me in trouble before

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

nothing i dont notice shit about people im terrible at remembering names and faces

6. What's your eye color?

blue

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings. there are a few scary movies i love but im a huge pussy. and im a basic bitch i want my stories to end happy. obviously a Bad Ending can be rlly good sometimes but overall i'd much rather everything works out in the end :)

8. Any special talents?

alright so this came up yesterday so i'm gonna tell y'all about a special talent that i did not know i have but apparently people think im great at: i have been told im really good at doing voiceovers. this is not something i do often nor is it something i wouldve actually said about myself unprompted, but sometimes for school projects i've had to record myself saying things and i've gotten compliments every time. i personally can't tell if this is true bc hearing recordings of my own voice makes me want to die so im incapable of judging my own voice-over abilities accurately

like Literally Yesterday when i had to record like 30 seconds of something and i literally was like "i'm leaving the room when you play it i hate hearing my own voice" and when i got back everyone was like "that was SO GOOD!!! you sounded professional!!!!" and also a few years ago my friend asked me to try and do an old-timey mid-atlantic accent kinda voice for a school project and when she showed it to her class people were like "who did the voiceover? your friend? is your friend a professional voice actor??"

this is baffling to me bc i think my voice sounds incredibly nasally and annoying but i guess that's just me!

9. Where were you born?

new JOY-zee

10. What are your hobbies?

it's alllllll gay pirates these days. tumblr and fanfiction and posting and reblogging. that's literally the only thing i do if im not at work or at school or hanging out with friends. it's kind of a problem actually i need to cut back

11. Do you have any pets?

two dogs! one is a rescue who is maybe a poodle mix, maybe just a poodle, and i love her so much i've cried about it. the other one is a bichon-poodle mix and i hate her so much i've cried about it.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

ok so my parents put me in a bunch of sports as a kid (t-ball, baseball, soccer, swimming, ballet) but i was not really into it. i didn't hate it, but i would zone out in the middle of games and my parents would be yelling "TURN AROUND THE BALL IS COMING" while i was playing in the dirt by myself.

in middle and high school i did cross country but mostly as a social thing to hang out with friends. i fucking hate running. im not good at sports

13. How tall are you?

5'5.5"

14. Favorite subject in school?

probably English or something idk. i dont like school lol

15. Dream job?

genuinely? stocking shit. housekeeping. anything where i can just listen to an audiobook or a podcast and work quietly and nobody has to talk to me. i wish these jobs paid enough to be comfortable or else i literally would work at some easy entry-level job for my entire life.

the other thing is i wish there was like. a way i could just jump from job to job depending on who needs help. im talking like, "oh we need someone to direct traffic for two hours while we fill in this pothole" and i go. "this fast food joint needs a cashier for a day" or "town hall needs people to scan, file, and sort all these boring legal documents" or "we need people to clean all the public restrooms in the district" or "we need someone to re-paint the parking spots at the park" or "the post office needs help sorting mail for a few hours" or "this warehouse needs some employees next week" or "we need someone doing this repetitive motion on the factory line for a day" like literally. i love manual labor i love straightforward tasks i love doing simple repetitive chores for hours. i seriously fucking wish Universal Basic Needs were provided and i could just be like a "reserve worker" for a low salary where i just pick up random shifts and do all sorts of random jobs whenever they need people to help out. this is literally my dream.

copping out yet again and tagging whoever wants to do it. "jess that's so lame-" you are correct. thank you.

#mine #not gay pirates #tag game

[importdnt-thoughts]

heyo

it's 2023. i just rediscovered this blog keke. i think my last post is about zoe. o_o

i'm learning how to be more positive about my life. i'm learning how i can shape my reality with my thoughts. generally i'm a pretty positive person. i am also easily influenced by others' emotions.

this year was great! i learned to love myself again. it's really a wonderful feeling. and turns out i had nothing to lose. i thought i'd start feeling bad about my past self but i don't. as in my 2021-2022 self. if anything i just feel impressed. i survived that. keke.

tomorrow i'm going to a rave with amanda and pauline.

the other day i hung out with lauren and hillary.

feels like my life is piecing together.

i have very few belongings now. or at least i'm slowly approaching that state.

i just played fortnite in my family's upstairs family room. i never really got to play console games growing up, that was more of my brother's thing. unless we were playing co-op games. then i learned to love console games right after i graduated playing with mitas and james. it felt like we were college roommates haha. good times.

then when i lived on my own + with lauren i fell in love with having my own ps4. playing black ops 4 and assassin's creed all day XP what a life. i'm a bit over those games now. i don't think i'll 100% assassin's creed. the game mechanics feel old to me now. i'll probably return to bo4 now and then. i really like the game mechanics. now i'm pretty into fortnite. it feels way more social. you can dance and buy skins and stuff to express yourself. you can also party up with friends in battle royale. my hope is to play with amanda one day, when the environment is right. idk if my family's shared space is right for that. maybe if/when i have a tv in my own space. but i keep thinking should i even have a tv in my own space? i associate that with unhealthy habits, like laying in bed for reasons other than sleeping. i almost just want a gaming room with pauline haha.

the past week i've been thinking a lot about where i want to live. i even considered living here full-time. but i change my mind. morning snuggles with p are a big part of my day xP

i wonder if it would've been better to just stay at my apartment. see? there i go again dwelling on past decisions and feeling terrible about myself. it's a really harmful habit that i wish to break. i think that should be my new years resolution: follow through with my decisions, fully and whole-heartedly. <3

in this case, i made the decision to return to my parents' to spend time with hillary and lauren, drop things off, and spend more time with family. i definitely achieved those goals.

now my next desire/expectation is to go to tomorrow's event and have fun! that's it. i will expect nothing else from the rest of the day. :P well, i have been enjoying my little routine though. i go downstairs and get coffee, then i come upstairs and do a bit of computer work, which currently is just lots of reflecting and planning. then i go on a neighborhood stroll, maybe stopping by ruskin for some playtime. then i have lunch with family. after lunch is kinda not routine yet. but that's okay. still figuring stuff out.

as i type this out i feel 14-15

i used to rant about my dad a lot on my tumblr.

recently i love my father. i see him as very human. i see him as very lovable. flawed, yes, but lovable all the same. he has a gentle heart and a strong mind. i think he has loved me as best as he could. i think there were moments where we had conflict. that's normal in any relationship...

teenage years also remind me of track. i was so happy then, actually. despite being under some form of emotional control by an SA/emotional manipulator, i loved my friends and they loved me. i felt strong and smart. i felt loved by my mom, and sometimes also my dad. i wrestled a lot with being queer. which i now theorize is just my autism actually.

oh yeah. that might be one of the biggest changes i'm facing. my identity. i think i'm autistic.

[mellow-worlds]

Somehow... One of the friends I hung out with yesterday was incredibly skinny. I mean, they both are, but in different ways, kind of. It has made me feel a little worse about myself and my weight.

During the last couple of weeks, somehow I managed to lose around 3kg. That doesn't make all that big of a difference on my body, but it's kind of weird, since I didn't really try to lose weight and mainly ate cookies and bread, which is obv very unhealthy. I'm thinking it's because maybe I just haven't been eating all that much? Or because I've been moving around a little more? Idk. I'm glad it's that way, but honestly, ideally, I'd keep losing weight. I'll try to, at least a little bit. I'll continue to work out and go for walks more often. The last part is often taken care of by meeting friends. I'll also try to opr for more healthy food options.

Idk... I've struggled with eating disorders in the past and of course I haven't completely gotten over them yet, but it's definitely pretty good rn. Of course I want it to stay that way, but seeing how skinny my friend was makes me feel so awkward and big and not good. He's like my living th1nsp0 ahahahahahah.

No but really, he's made my goal of being skinnier a little more clearer to me and I'm a little grateful. Being skinny is one way to feel better about myself and would help me feel less awkward in social situations. So I'll go for it and try my best to make my own life easier! Also, I just want to be able to wear any clothes I want without feeling bad at all. (On that note, that friend does have very nice taste in clothing, pretty grunge and pretty cool).

That being said, I'm not particularly fat. My BMI is in the normal range, but then again... I could weigh over 10kg more than I do and it would still tell me I was "normal". I think I want to lose 4 more kg and then I'd be on the very verge to underweight. Gosh, these bmi websites are so dramatic. Telling people with a bmi under 20 that they'll die if they go for a walk that's a minute too long.

I'll be able to do it if I go for walks, don't eat too much and exercise regularly. Just 4kg.

It's kind of unfair, even my friends of whom I know that they actually hate working out look so good (actually, only one comes to mind, but it's still so unfair). They seem to have more leg muscles than me and they hate running! But then again, they eat pretty healthily... Idk. I even get this feeling with my siblings sometimes. They don't work out yet are kind of skinnier than me. I just want to be tiny and cute and fragile and I don't want to take up so much space and I just...

Gosh, having had eating disorders really messes with your brain. You acquire so many tactics and even if you've basically recovered, you still think about them and get happy when you remember after waking up that you just spent over 10 hours without food. I think about things like that constantly, but I won't go into detail since I don't want to promote these habits.

#losing weight and talking about friends and past experiences

[unfilteredgrounds]

Place

Whenever it seems like people are about to talk shit about where I live, I automatically get defensive. Because, well, duh, it's my home. I was born and raised on my farm, and once my parents die it will be my farm. Most of the time when people talk shit, they're just being classist assholes who have never taken the time to learn anything more about rural people than what they glean from Jeff Foxworthy specials and the worst of us running rampant on Facebook.

There are drawbacks with living out in the middle of nowhere. It's not like I can just have an aesthetic morning where I do a cute little jaunt to get brunch at one of numerous cafes, hit up the indie bookstore, maybe buy some flowers from a flowershop and go make pottery all in one day. I don't need to go through all that the small towns that are near where I live don't have to offer, because that's literally all other people who have migrated from small towns can ever talk about (the worst are those who do it with a sense of superiority, look, if you really love your town so much, why don't you go sell insurance there, townie-- I'm getting off track here). We do have a cute little cafe run by swedish immigrants, and SO MUCH lush forest life all around.

The plus sides to living in the middle of nowhere mean that I can go outside without my stupid brain reminding me that other people exist, and are probably looking at me. Being able to lay in the grass of whichever pasture I choose, doing whatever I want, is a godsend, and I now know that I'd be miserable without it. I love the animals on my farm, because animals are easy to understand and easy to get along with, and I love just being in the middle of nature, and the ability to pretend I know nothing of what happens outside my farm's borders (the world is on fire).

But it occurred to me, as my partner delicately mentioned the other day that "I think you could do with some time away from... that farm," that no place is simply bad on its own (I'm sure there are exceptions but I'm not here for that), it's the people that make it bad. When the words left his mouth, I immediately felt a sense of hurt, of betrayal-- he knows how much this farm means to me. But, thinking on it later, I realized he was trying not to say what really has had me in this rut. My parents. My lack of reliable social system. Of course he has no ill intent against the gravel roads, or the trees, it's that to an outsider, the people in my life, well, they look kinda shitty.

This realization is one of the reasons I don't talk about what bothers me, because I hate making other people look bad, and I hate looking like someone who only ever talks shit. Most of that is conditioning, but also because two of the most important people to me, my parents, are really bad at being that sometimes, and no kid wants to admit that. I love my parents, and I owe them a lot, so when I talk about the not-so-great things they say and do, I feel so guilty, like a traitor to some big alliance. But then things like my dad getting upset with me because I simply answered a question from mom and she (honestly idk how she managed to get pissed off at him from what I said that woman can make anything personal and insulting) got mad at him ? (he did not explain) happen, and I feel like my parents forget that I am their kid, not some hired hand to help out on the farm who's supposed to pick sides or whatever. At least with Dad, he forgets he's upset as easily as he forgets most other things.

I also felt guilty about even asking to take an extended trip. Which I shouldn't-- I don't often ask for things, and I certainly have done enough to earn it. I never complain when Mom takes me as an accessory to the trips she goes on-- I am once again dreading the trail ride this year because it will just be a lot of me sitting and being ignored while she and her friends hang out, and then get the occasional reprimand for "not being happy" enough even thought I get to come with. And yeah, I like riding, but I also like getting to talk to people who are interested in what I have to say, and every year I've asked to bring a friend, she gives me a scathing look and is like "oh so you don't want to hang out with me?" As if me sitting silently in the back while she and her friends talk about work is "hanging out."

See, if things really were as shiny and great with my parents as I present, I wouldn't have these feelings in the first place, and, as much as I hate to admit when men are right, my partner is right. I need a break from whatever the hell my family dynamic is. Even though our temps are far more bearable, and the pastures are green, mom has been texting and calling every day about rain, heaving dramatic sighs and grumbling when my answer is no. I really want to snap "Will you shut up about the damn rain already??? We're FINE. The sheep are FINE. Can you just relax and be content for fucking once?"

But whatever, it's been nice having a break from the doom hanging over the house when she's home at least, and I can go outside without wanting to die, so, plus for that. And I will have a good time away, regardless of whether other people approve of that or not.

[pageofheartdj]

Wowie, that sounds like quite the self discovery journey, it sucks that so many people struggle so much. I wish you were allowed to just be you without feeling those pressures when you were figuring things out. Hopefully you're doing okay now?

For me and my aroace journey was a ton more simple. I just, never figured out at what age I was supposed to develop a crush or whatever. The only time I ever questioned myself was if someone told me they had a crush on me, and that was more because I felt hurt that people would pretend to be my friend just because they had a crush on me and didn't actually like me. If I told them I didn't like them like that I'd lose my only current friend(s) which always sucked :/

(I had no friends in school really, so that probably impacts me more. I gave up trying to get along with peeps because I just dont understand their social cues or why neurotypical conversations can be boring at times. Why talk about what someone did if you could talk about dinosaurs or how there's enough different types of apples that you could eat a unique one every day for a year and not eat all the types of apples?)

So really I never realized I should have those feelings so I never questioned why I didn't. I did sometimes judge other people for having them because I didn't understand that it wasn't a choice. Sometimes in high school someone would ask me for relationship advice because I gave them a logical answer, and I was really really confused why people would act or do dumb-ish things just because of how someone looked?? Idk tbh

Gender wise my parents gave up caring, and everyone thought I was gay growing up so they thought I was just being gay?? I guess?? My parents were also neglectful though so it was also that they didn't bother explaining gender roles and let me do whatever as long as I was alone.

Similar to being aroace I never realized I was supposed to feel connected to gender. Eventually I came out after puberty and I say I'm trans masc people my gender (or really, lack of gender) doesn't make sense to people. Gender wise I'm not a girl and until puberty when the definition of girl changed for me, I never cared what people called me.

Being (maybe??) autistic probably really feuls this because I struggle picking up and learning social cues, so when people tried to teach me societal things I was too busy doing other things or didn't realize I should be internalizing it. Like i never thought about being in a relationship and even now that i now am an adult technically i still dont care. I like collecting funfacts more than that stuff, so it never registered as a thing to think about lol

Anyways thanks for explaining it from your experiences, it's really interesting learning what it's like for other people!! Have a lovely day!

Thank you! And yeah I am mostly content now. I know who I am and what I need. It's not perfect. We are never done changing and figuring ourself out. I still struggle a bit with society's set that you can be happy only if you have someone, you must be good at socialising otherwise you are a failed human. While every piece in me goes against it. I don't want any relationship, I don't want family, I don't want children. I struggle at making and keeping friends because my brain works in a way that makes it too hard. So it's hard to remember that I am not a failure just because I am not as connected with people and this is not a measure of my worth. I don't own the world to be a factory toy, the same as everyone else.

Ugh yeah this sucks!! I know people can't help their feelings, but still it doesn't feel nice to have these expectations! (also double yes! why should i care what someone did or their little life stories? this is boooring, do people really care about this stuff? i put an effort to care for a friend, but everyone dumps their stories on me! i can be interested talking about specific topics or work. but when its just. life. why is it my business??)

Also 🤝 for giving love advices xD We are not clouded by feelings so we can analyse this stuff from the side while never being in the relationship in the first place xD And it's hard to understand how people can be irrational because of their feelings!(even though it makes sense. it's like how anxiety can make us irrational. but still feels weird cause these are bad things in bad condition. while they have this bad thing in something good xD)

I am sorry your parents were neglectful! But at least you weren't pressured into roles, so at least there is some saving grace?

I thought I might be agender because I never cared about gender. I like being a bit femminine in a light pretty way, but also neutral/male style also worked for me. But then I was told that not caring for your gender is a cis thing?? I don't know, I feel like I am more like gnc in a passive 'I don't actually care and I wish it didn't exist' way xD

I've read somewhere that if you are queer there is a high chance of being ND and vice versa. Maybe it's not true, but it certantly feels that way xD Maybe because of hetero/allo normativeness of the society, that our brain from the start tells us 'we dont get social norms and we wont' XD

Your experience was also interesting to read! I love talking all about it!! Have a nice day too!❤

#aroace #asexuality

[spookynightmareballoon]

I'm honestly feeling really sad and depressed this morning. At first my anxiety was really high because m. got a call from his boss about something work related but then changed his mind. And you could tell he was in a good mood after that. But then his boss calls him back saying that he does need him on a job and then his mood shifted so fast. Our baby was asleep in the room and he turned on the light which made me a little upset and then he got mad at the situation saying I need to do something. Like idk, you could easily use the flashlight from your phone. I went to the couch to cry because I felt like I was useless in that moment. I've been so depressed lately, my drive for anything dies down so quickly. I try to find new things for myself to do but then my thoughts cloud that happy moment and I become sad again... I wish I wasn't like this but I feel alone all the time. I know I have my family and friends online but I don't really know anyone that relates to what I'm going through. I don't have a mother figure in my life I could just call. I always feel like I bother my grandma when I call her or she's always busy. Which hurts because she would always reach out to me but I failed to answer the phone or text back. But now I'm making the effort and it seems weird I guess. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I know I shouldn't because of my kids but I don't feel like I'm the best mother sometimes. I'm mentally unstable and I don't want them to see me like that. But it's not like I can step away to collect myself because they always need me. I really wish I had something going for me. Like a job. Maybe if I had to work for our money like he does, then we possibly could relate on that and become closer again.

I really hate that he's hanging out with his mother so much on a game. I just get jealous because I want to hangout with him but idk, it just sucks being with someone who is close to their mom. Like I wish we could just disperse from everyone and focus on us. Granted he'd say we could still do that and I can have a close relationship with her. But idk, I guess I get jealous because I'm so insecure about myself and she always tries to act like she knows him more than I do. And asks for his help when she can do it herself. I'll never be like that towards my kids if they have a significant other in their life. I'll never be pushy because I actually understand when people need their space and want to do their own thing. I'll always respect my kid's boundaries and won't act intimidating towards their bf/gf at the time. That's one thing I've hated about being apart of this family is that there always this form of intimidation vibe. Or it was such a problem when I didn't really want to socialize amongst them. Idk I come from a really reserved family and plus I have bad anxiety so I'm not going to feel comfortable right away. Sometimes I wish I could leave with my kids. Somewhere far away and I'd have money and my mental health would be great. Very rarely I think that me and m. aren't going to make it in the long run. It's sad but I truly feel that way. Things can be so great some days to then they're just utter shit. And the majority of the time it's my fault because of the way I am. I'm just waiting for the day that he leaves me to be honest. Because I already know he's becoming tired of my bullshit. Maybe he just feels sorry for me and that's why he doesn't leave me yet. I'd feel sorry for me too because I'm just an emotional rollercoaster.. I don't think I'd be with anyone else from that point on. I know he would obviously. I think from now on I'm just going to do my job around here and make sure the house is in order and do my own thing and feel numb throughout this marriage. Because I don't feel like I deserve to feel happy. I should just go on each day pleasing others and not caring about myself that much. My brain and anxiety doesn't allow that for me.

[mejomonster]

REVIEW OF NOT ME

DAMN GOOD

I want 1000 other shows like this I'm dead serious

A show full of queer characters. A political thriller set in REALITY. An action show. All at the same time.

Black Sails is the last thing that even kind of gave me this and it was a sort of fantasy historical, not modern real life setting to stuff relevant in our world in This kind of way that's so close to home

God I want more queer action shows. More Casts full of shows with meaty thriller plots, with explicitly queer xharacters. A western show on occasion will give us 1-3 queer characters in a sci fi show, kei x yaku gave us a few (and I'll be happy when I see it I'm sure), I want more. More like Manner of Death like Kei x Yaku like Orphan Black like THIS like Not Me

But a step further Not Mes a bunch of queer heroes who's sexuality is a part of them, as much as its a part of me, that acknowedleged it. Like. Its like if fucking xmen wasn't metaphor but just. Literally about the real world and real life. Idk how to describe it

TODD AND BLACK didn't map one to one to Xavier and magneto and blacks the hero between them if one exists, but them being actual queer men with real life political stakes for real people and power they're trying to affect? Was the potential of Xavier and magneto and all their dynamic stands for taken into a realistic setting. It's all I've wanted. That alone was phenomenal to see realized without metaphor, to see literal

The queer heroes being our main cast, the gritty realistic shooting of skin textures and bodies in their natural form, the both stylish and more realistic looking outfits compared to polished pastel of many bl and shows in general (making Not Me feel more REAL and grounded which is why I prefer those visuals so much)

The excellent soundtrack choices

The amount it made me care and cry and love ans hope and feel seen and !!!! Wow

The fact this show could have been so much less and I Still would've been happy. I remember seeing tje original mock trailer way back when. And back then I just thought "if thus just has a little mystery and touch of action amid the bl romance ill be happy." Cause JUST the promise of some genre beyond just romance in a story with queer characters made me excited. How it fucking surpassed my expectations!!! Yeah not everyone will love thar romance doesn't drive the plot, is just a part of the whole. But God I LOVE that it set out to tell such a big story, to hit multiple genres FULLY, that it had aims to tell more than just a love story alone. Characters had arcs and relations to society and social issues that ALL factor in, its not just emotional character growth which is nice on its own, it's also a lot of other aspects. Romance is nice. Romance while people have lives they care about and goals and hopes also being addressed? I love. And Not Me did it. And when not me was initially conceived, all it promised was a little mystery with romance. This delivered wayyyyy beyond my wildest dreams. I desperately hope more generally diverse genre stories come out with a lot of queer main characters who's identities inform them the way me being bi isn't all I talk about but goddamn yeah it means I do give a shit about rights and wanting the world to improve the way maybe I wouldn't if I wasn't aware of how the world sees me and my community etc. Like. Straight romances get shows like Crash Landing on You that tell an action thriller, tell societal differences and similarities, rich corruption, ALL that in a romance. Let's have more shows covering all that with queer romances too. Please.

Like. Remember that fanfic. What if that's all the sjow had been. Or the mock trailer. I would've been happy with just that. And yet it turned out made of a lot of love, I can tell the director and sound and the actors did their best on this and loved It and I loved it.

It's got flaws yeah. It's not perfect to me. There's some stuff I'd change and improve in a perfect world. But wow wow wow is it more than I ever dreamed it would be, I hope it paves the way for more stories and shows willing to make some of the choices this show did. This was worth watching. This was lovely.

#not me #not me the series #lb #not me the series lb #i just. i want more i wanr more shows and stories like this goddamn #imagine a The 100 where most of the cast couldve been queer #and their experience couldve explicitly been mentioned informing the way they relate to others or distrust them #imagine a Beyond Evil explicitly queer addressing rich cotruption and it informing joowon #imagine dmbj. like goddamn. #i want dtories to go for it more. #like black sails. but in our era

[gwyns]

I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone draw parallels between Feyre leaving Tamlin for her Mate to Elain leaving Azriel for her Mate. (Ignoring the fact I hate Rhysand, the books obviously want me to think he's the best person ever so I'll just pretend). Because that's what I see happening.

Elain and Azriel are so clearly rebounds for one another. Elain's still grieving her human love and life, and Azriel is still hung up on Mor. They're both quiet and available, so they jump to each other. That's it. The Azriel POV was purely about what he wants. How he wants to fuck her and taste her. He's just sex to her.

Even if E/riels had a more convincing case, it's not like SJM hasn't pulled a SIKE on us before. If she goes anywhere with E/riel, she'll undoubtedly pull it back. SJM doesn't take Mating bonds lightly, and she's stated that she loves Lucien. And if anyone deserves the happiness of a bond, it's him.

Feyre and Rhys, and Cassian and Nesta, all had relationships/lovers before Mating. Elain "liking" Az now, (which we're not even clear on), doesn't really mean much.

I'd like to hear your thoughts! You're so good at this, and you always explain my thoughts so perfectly. Love and light 💕💕💕

honestly there are quite a few feysand/elucien parallels that people either don't see or choose to ignore.

rhysand was first presented as a villain to feyre, the same could be applied to lucien just bc of his envolvement with tamlin (that he wrongfully gets blamed for btw idk why e/riels love blaming tamlin's mistakes on lucien). feyre was engaged before she went to rhys, elain was engaged before she met lucien. both were/are? still hung up on their former fiances. feysand as a couple represents the night, elucien would represent (at least in part) day. it's literally night and day with them. they're similar but also wholly their own pairing, it's fascinating to me.

anyway i think i will use this ask to spill some of my e/riel opinions sorry about that! alright let's start off with this controversial statement: i don't think e/riel was ever meant to be endgame.

i've seen it said a few times over the years that sarah changed her mind about elucien and while that's possible bc she also previously changed her mind on lucien and nesta one has to ask themselves..... if she wanted to write a mate bond rejection why didn't she stick with her original plan of lucien and nesta being mates? she's said herself that they wouldn't work but she chose to change lucien's mate to someone who compliments him better, and it's to feyre's other sister no less. that tells me lucien is important and powerful, he's mated to one of the sisters, one of the key players of the entire series.

another point is we can assume (and we could be wrong, let me put this here before someone yells at me or vague blogs about it) that sjm had an elucien endgame in mind when writing acowar, right? and when she was touring for that book hadn't she already started work on acofas? and we know that she's never on social media, so if she had an elucien endgame in mind when she wrote all of the supposed e/riel "evidence" where does that leave us?

drama. tension. conflict. angst.

i think that's what it all comes down to. people will say that elucien was a front while e/riel is the true endgame but... it all seems a bit easy, doesn't it? e/riel is right in your face while elucien is silently brewing in the background. what if the bait and switch isn't elucien, but e/riel?

sarah has shown us before that she likes to use her characters as ways for her other characters to end up with their endgame matches. for example, without tamlin, feyre wouldn't have met rhys. and moving over to throne of glass for a second, if not for chaol, aelin wouldn't have met rowan. and in turn, if aelin hadn't given yrene the money she needed in tab, chaol wouldn't have met her.

are the e/riel scenes romantically coded? yes, probably. i'm not saying they aren't, some people picked up on it but i personally didn't get that vibe myself, especially in acowar, but acofas kinda blurred the lines a bit. but even then, i didn't think they'd work out and i still don't understand the arguments that are supposed to be in their favor from that book. elain says she doesn't want a male so that excludes lucien but not azriel somehow? that line means she doesn't want any fae, she wants a human man, she wants graysen. then we have lucien saying he can't even stand to be in the same room as elain which i never read as a "oh i hate this person" kinda way. no, it's bc the whole situation between them is awkward and it obviously makes both of them uncomfortable. it doesn't help when literally all of the inner circle is constantly around them, and being in the night court in general doesn't give them the privacy to get to know each other.

some people like to ask why build e/riel up at all if they're not going to be together? one thing i've always loved about sjm's books is how she can write relationships. now, let's say you meet someone irl and you like them, eventually maybe fall in love with them, and fail to notice how they're not good for you. maybe everyone around you can see it, but you don't. you want a relationship and you're in a decent one, it should work out. like they're not a bad person, this relationship just isn't right for you in the long run. why waste your time? it's life. sometimes things are good for you at a certain point in time but not later on. sometimes you just end up in a relationship that was never good for you. sometimes you fall out of love with someone. you're constantly learning and adapting to things and that's my stance on e/riel. i think they're both looking for companionship and they're the "safest" and most available option.

taking it back to acofas, azriel was relived to not have to get elain a gift and was still gazing longingly at mor. now in acosf he's avoiding talking about her while wanting to fuck elain and getting defensive when helion mentions mor. he's not over her. he's not going to just completely forget 500 years of pining bc elain showed up, especially when they haven't even helped one another to move on. if they had, we would have seen the proof of that. not just "oh she's hot we both want sex", that doesn't make a healthy relationship.

as for elain, she's been taught she has to act a certain way her entire life. she has to downplay her trauma and emotions to appease others so they don't worry about her. maybe she's even had visions involving lucien that upset/scare her somehow and she's reaching out for something else. i think they're both lonely and desperate (at least on az's end) for someone that they ultimately are drawn to the wrong people.

as for the lack of elucien development... this is how i see it. if they're endgame, why would sarah have all of their big moments happen off screen or as a throwaway line in acosf? elain is getting a book, we know this, and with how much of the story is tied to lucien and how much is left unresolved with him, we can also assume he'd get a pov at some point. so imo it makes sense for the fact we got little to no development for them in acosf. no, she wants a huge wedge between them so we can watch them come together. the payoff will be that much sweeter. kinda similar to how she put a wedge between nessian before acosf, sure they had more development in acowar than elucien but i think that's bc sarah knew they'd get the first spinoff. she had to give them that development whereas elucien can wait, a bit longer. it's frustrating yes but i do think we'll get something in acotar 5.

maybe i'm an optimistic fool, maybe sarah did at one point have an endgame in mind for them, but i find it hard to believe she wouldn't see how wrong they are for each other in the long run. she's very good at showing us how well characters fit together with just a few lines.

#sorry this envolved into my rambling lol #i swear i was going to talk more about the feysand/elucien parallels bc i made a list awhile ago #but i forgot some of it so here we are 😬 #BUT YOU'RE SO SWEET!! im glad someone enjoys my random thoughts lol #thank you i truly appreciate it 🥺💕 #acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames spoilers #asks #aquafaith

[sarah-sandwich]

I'd love to hear about The Golden Hour!

Ahhh The Golden Hour, my beloved. This is my parkner epic fantasy only it takes place (for the most part) in one room or rather, the space in-between Peter's universe where he's Spider-Man and Harley's universe where he's a witch and a social pariah because of his type of magical ability. It starts pre-spider bite with them accidentally stumbling into the in-between at the same time and spans the rest of their lives after that as they continue to meet there. It's going to be the slowest burn to ever slow and so so so bittersweet. MJ will be there and Ned as well as Peter's guilt complex and Harley's sense of duty to people who need his abilities but hate him for it. They love each other but they can't abandon their responsibilities and they would never ask the other to give up their whole world to cross over to the other's so the in-between is all they have.

It's about friendship and star-crossed lovers and also the many different forms of love, loving more than one person, there is no The One, you'll love so many people throughout your life, and love doesn't fix everything but if it's someone you truly love then you make your peace with that and take comfort in knowing they're happy.

I already wrote the ending scene and it hurts me. Idk if I should share it but I'm going to anyway under the cut because I love it so much.

Ask me about a wip on this list

“Do you regret?” Peter asks.

“Regret what?”

“Regret in general. Anything. Everything.”

Harley takes a moment to think it over and then answers honestly. “No.” He drinks Peter in. Takes his hand. “I don’t. Do you?”

Peter snorts and laces their fingers. “All the time.”

“Do you regret this?”

He frowns into the sunset and says, “I wish we had more.”

“That’s not regret. If you got a do-over, would you do anything different?”

Peter goes quiet and Harley watches the prairie grass bleed gold as he puts together his thoughts.

“No,” he finally says. “I wouldn’t”

“Really? Not even Ben?”

He shakes his head. “I hate it but I think that had to happen to make Spider-Man what he was. Not to toot my own horn but New York would be smoldering rubble without him.”

Harley chuckles. “What about us? Would you stop yourself from stepping into the circle that first time?”

“No,” he says without hesitation.

“Even though you could have been happy with MJ? Could have brought a few more Mayday’s into the world.”

Peter grimaces. “The world can barely handle one Mayday, let’s not go crazy.”

“That’s the truth,” Harley says with a grin. The silence grows between them, comfortable and welcome until Peter breaks it.

“I’m happy, you know. You make me happy. I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe that makes me a selfish bastard but I wouldn’t.”

“Me too,” Harley admits softly.

“What are you going to do when I kick the bucket?”

He shrugs. “Watch the sunset from my own damn porch for once.” Peter laughs and Harley smiles as he watches the sun play across his skin, deepening his laugh lines. He squeezes his hand. “And think of you for every second of it.”

Peter knocks against his shoulder and stays there, leaning into him. “Mayday says she’ll visit when she can, so watch for a note.”

Harley snorts. “Sure she will. And then maybe she’ll make time for a full night of sleep and a meal.” He eyes Peter sideways. “She’s a lot like her daddy.”

“Unfortunately.”

Harley makes a sound of disagreement in his throat but lets it go.

The sun is only a sliver peeking over the horizon when Peter asks, “You’ll be okay, won’t you? Without me, I mean.”

He waits until Peter looks up and meets his gaze. “I’ll make do like I always have. Don’t worry about me. When your time comes, rest easy. Then wait for me. Whatever comes next, it’s still you and me.”

“Okay,” Peter says, staring into his eyes. “Okay.” He cups his jaw and presses their lips together.

Golden light flares through Harley's eyelids. Then a familiar wave of warmth washes over him like an old friend and takes him home.

#mine #ask games #parkner #peter parker/harley keener #tgh #sswrites