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wiccamoody · 5 years

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on internet friends, vidcon, and being brave

I’ve been in fandom for over 10 years now. Despite that, I never really talked to anyone until the phandom. I made one friend in 2015 who doesn’t even watch them anymore lol and I can’t remember the last time we actually talked. But when I jumped back in ready to talk and write in late 2017 I decided maybe I’d let myself socialize or let people in. Which I did, in my own awkward way, and I’d say I now have a lot of really fucking phenomenal people in my life.

Flash to last thursday when I got to meet three of these people who I’ve grown really close to (and on friday a fourth!!) and I immediately knew there was no going back. (For those curious or who don’t know I met @nihilismdan, @ataraxia-25, @kay-okays, and Lucy). No going back in that I spent 4 whole days with them (2 with Kay!!) and I’ve never felt so comfortable and like, accepted immediately. Of course I got to know them over the last year and a bit, but meeting irl actually does bring that to life, and it’s fucking surreal to meet people and hang out with them and just feel so together and comfortable. The beginning was awkward for me; I’m awkward, I have RBF, anxiety etc., but once it faded away it was so amazing. Amazing to wake up and know that they’re a maximum of 20 mins away on foot, to be able to spend the day together and use our single brain cell to get around and laugh almost until we pee at stupid shit. It’s so fucking comfortable you just get used to it (I would liken it to the way a lot of people felt about ii and the content stream we got then, and in the same way the hiatus hit people hard). When it all ends and you go back to real life and you don’t have those moments to look forward to everything just feels numb. Distance is hard. Goodbyes are hard. Not knowing when you’re going to physically be around each other again is hard. Skype and facetime and all that stuff exist but fuck, I started crying in LAX because I honestly had the best weekend of my life. There’s no awkwardness when you’re already friends with someone, no weird phase where you don’t know if they actually like you or not because they already know you and would have stopped talking to you ages ago if they didn’t. And idk, I’ve spent the last 5 years (and really, my entire time being in fandom) trying my best to quash my excitement, to tone it down and shut up in my “real” life because no one cares as much as I do, and I know they don’t really want to hear it. But to have that stuff in common and to have people on the same level of intensity as you, while still ofc talking about other parts of your life because that’s what friends are there for, it’s fucking amazing. As an introvert with anxiety it’s so ideal for me, so saying goodbye to these wonderful people in my life just hurts so much. It’s hard to process. I think we’ll absolutely meet again, it’s just the not knowing when that kills me. And having to go back to real life where things kind of suck (at least on my end) is like a slap in the face. It takes some getting used to again, but I guess the pain is worth the memories I have.

Onto vidcon itself, I wanted to do a little recap. I kind of did that during my trip and to some people in DMs, but overall as someone who’s wanted to go since year 2 or 3, finally being able to do it was amazing. I have some complaints and things I’m actually really angry about, but to keep positive, for my first con ever I’m glad this one came into my life in the last minute way it did. I got to have the experiences baby me wanted, and I got to give me at 15 some closure to how she was when all this phandom stuff was thrown at her. Being able to meet queen Natalie Wynn was fucking amazing. She’s so stunning and I’m so GAY and she’s a literal icon. It was so lovely to talk to her and get a photo, I’m still shook I was in her presence at all! Meeting Dan and Phil was amazing and terrifying. I froze up, embarrassingly, and didn’t say anything I wanted to say to them. I just wanted to tell them how much they mean to me but I wasn’t able to. Which is fine. I’m trying to not beat myself up over it because I got to see them and hug them and smell them (don’t fucking come for me okay, they smell like warm men and it’s NICE OKAY) and everything that came right before and after with my friends was hilarious and perfect and wonderful. Not to mention, like 30 mins later I met Martyn and Cornelia, which tbh god fucking tier, who cares about dnp when mnc are there?? They were easy to talk to and lovely so we talked for like 3-5 mins and I’m happy we met them. And some other stuff happened at the IRL merch booth that I will never forget jaskljdlak. It was an Experience. tbh I’m still processing the entire day of Saturday lol. But it was good. A lot, but good.

I want to go to more cons. So many more, and with friends like or who are the ones I had with me. I’m so fucking grateful and amazed this was the con to kickstart me actually going to them because it was truly the best weekend of my life.

And going to Universal Studios in Hollywood with Julie on Sunday (especially since she didn’t know if she could come or not, and we had already said goodbye) was the cherry on top of everything. Harry Potter was my first fandom. It was the first thing to really make me feel seen, to give me an escape and a safe place to go and be myself. It was so full circle for me to go there, and I’m glad I went with someone who I love a lot. It was an amazing experience, and I could write a whole ass essay about it. I’m glad I went, and kind of in shock that it all happened really.

As for bravery, I’m a total wuss. I’m nerdy and shy and introverted and my anxiety always gets the best of me. I’ve never flown internationally, and had only been to the States once before, and it was with my best friend and her parents. I hadn’t been on a plane in almost a decade. I was so out of my element but I really told myself to fuck off, dug into my student loans bc ya girl is broke as shit, and got myself to LA, then Anaheim, then to meet the wonderful people I did and survive the whole thing with my only panic attack the entire trip being related to meeting Dan and Phil (so like, it was expected). I’m proud of myself. When I started watching Dan and Phil I was 15, depressed without knowing it, and lost and trying to find a place to fit in. I owe it to my best friend for literally forcing me to watch them because I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her or them. I figured out my queerness, survived my worst days, am getting help, and now as a 20 year old who grew up thinking she would be trapped in the seeming hell that my life was sometimes (and still is I guess) I was brave and I’m proud of that. Idk if anyone is still reading this, but if feeling lost and stuck and scared but wanting so fucking bad to do the thing they want to do, no matter how big or small, resonates with anyone, I encourage you to do it. I believe in you, and I know you can. I never in a million years thought my life would have the last 4 days in it but it does now, and I’m grateful I was brave enough to take that leap.

#this is a ramble #im really emo so i wrote an essay lol

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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years

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frost!

sick tyvm

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

i think for a lot of lgbtqueues it’s like, you’d like to provide some insight on that knowledge which was already there but not really sorted out or given the right context, but you also know that it’s a process and you can’t just tell yourself “hey, @ my younger self, btw you’re ___” and all and just skip that process, but at the same time it’s like, giving that process a boost / kickstart is nice, and providing some reassurance and all.......but as for “let’s straightup skip ahead a little too” i think it would’ve been fun to just go ahead and let myself know my name b/c i would’ve hated my name forever even if i wasn’t trans and it just never like, felt like my name, so i don’t even consider it a Deadname cuz that implies it was ever alive lol.........and i’d tell myself not to bother / feel obligated to try to come out to my parents, and to not feel like it’s an inconvenience to come out to friends as trans / insist on your name and pronouns.

i’d also tell myself not to be so worried about trying to stay in line and not to feel like i’m only the person who other ppl see me as (i.e. i was like “oh this is what ppl expect of me / tell me i am, that’s what i’m really most fundamentally like i guess! these are my interests!”) and that i’m not overly self-inhibiting b/c that’s what i want, but b/c that’s what i feel like i have to do to be safe, like, no you’re actually social and wanna do more than just read all the time but you also feel like you have to keep your head down and not rock the very small boat you’re in, but in 2013 you’ll be sneaking out to a kesha concert and taking your brother to visit the gay agenda protestors in front of the supreme court (separate occasions lol) so get used to That as being who you actually are, you’re not just the quiet good-grades-getter okay, which makes sense considering that you hate school. idk i my identity a lot on what was like, hey you have cptsd your home life is awful your parents don’t really know you and the treatment there isn’t your own fault or deserved! like, that took a surprisingly long time to figure out and it would’ve been better to at least be told like, this actually isn’t how it is for everyone and it shouldn’t be like this, and it’s not on you or anything. like, a great way to sum it up would just be like, don’t worry as much about trying to Stay Out Of Trouble b/c it’s not going to happen and it’s going to be better for you to just actually do some of what you want and be who you are and not worry about staying on the straight and narrow b/c that shit is Arbitrary as hell. on a related note, your politics are radical left and even though you figure that out easily enough here’s some reading or smthing so you can know more basic shit than you do now. cut your hair as short as you want b/c yeah you want short hair i promise

oh and also that i never thought i was allowed to be mad or stand up for myself or anything. like, don’t worry about being nice all the time. be meaner. don’t bite your tongue all the time. still working on that unfortunately!! all my regrets are “i wish i had been meaner to this person!! i wish i had spoken my mind more rudely!!” lmao just earlier today i was remembering this time my brother was a real #ally b/c we were at an Amusement Park (i love that term lmfao like. so fucking quaint. this roller coaster is so diverting!) and i was texting furiously on my flip phone coz i just so happened to be real fed up with someone and was telling them off and he just stood behind me and steered me through people while we walked. and i STILL was not rude enough to that person!!! they even showed up again a year or two later, giving me another chance to tell them off, but then effed off again a couple months later and i was like fucking...whatever get out of here, but i wish i could’ve told you off a little more. regrets

also the fun fact of like “take the fact that you like sneaking in a way to Perform (and getting points!!) by being in the church choir and singing too loud, and the fact that you enjoy the other way of performing of ballet productions, and your shoulder-brushes with regular theatrical / stage performances being supremely fun for you, and know that you’re actually a theatre gay. btw....for one weekend in nyc in february 2011 there will be a student production of a musical called bat boy and you MUST GO” lol like i would’ve been uhhh ssss only almost 17 then? maaaybe i could’ve pulled it off but idk, nyc in the middle of the semester.....a definite maybe lol. nah but yknow. just a fun tip. i mean i never even tried theatre b/c a) i’m not even sure my middle school had a theatre dept and b) due to skipping high school i was at college like “why am i here, i’m sure i’ll flunk out asap” and not bold enough to try any extracurriculars anyhow and Def not bold enough to audition for stuff when i had No experience and c) my older sister did plays in her high school (and eventually my brother did too) and so middle sibling style i was like “well then i should be the one Not doing that”.......it’s not vital i’m sure but it’s A Thing About Me that shouldn’t’ve been so hard to figure out, and also which like, idk, maybe i Would’ve found some chance somewhere to try something out for myself. who kneauxes

tldr just stuff like be meaner, be more inconvenient, you’re queer you’re here and here’s some details on that, [definition of nonbinary], get whatever haircuts you want, fight your parents whenever And feel less like you’re in charge of someone else’s unreasonable whims of Being Terrible cuz that’s on them actually, explore more of what you actually like just cuz you want to, idk, Hang In There, believe it or not knock on would you make it out of the ‘10s alive! idk do your thing you gay bastard lol. try to have a little more fun along the way if you can?

#a challenge.......#cynthiamurphy

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glitterghast · 7 years

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tell me more abt the modern au .... pls

okay so i completely let myself get carried away with this au. like…i need to put it all under a cut so that people don’t wind up with a massive wall of text on their dashboards

so yeah, it’s modern day and a poly au and the best way i can think to describe it all is through dot-points. but essentially, it starts before they all even know each other.

Jenny:

- likes girls and guys, with a slight preference for girls

- wears skinny jeans and oversized hoodies, or pretty dresses and cardigans. no in between

- a nurse at the local hospital, works with patsy

- was dating jimmy before she even knew any of the others

- listen,,, poly jenny/jimmy/alec technically kickstarted the entire poly ship in this au

- meets trixie through some first aid course she was conned into doing at the school

- they kinda danced around their mutual crush for a while before jimmy and alec did the whole “oh yeah why don’t the four of us go out tonight- whoops we suddenly can’t go, guess it’s just you two” kinda thing

- always has to be the first one awake in the morning

- almost always arguing with patsy over how things should be organised. they can never agree

- she swears the most out of everyone

Trixie:

- likes girls and guys equally. bisexual and not afraid to call you out on your bullshit stereotypes

- no change of fashion from canon

- dyes her hair weird colours

- has a history of addiction that she’s almost entirely recovered from by the time she meets everyone else

- works as a kindergarten teacher

- has known cynthia for a year; lived in the apartment across from her and gives her lifts to work

- dated cynthia before they met any of the others, even if they’d never admit they were a couple

- drinks too much coffee

- needs to kiss everyone before she leaves for work

- is okay with clutter as long as the Aesthetic™ of the room isn’t ruined

- has a huge dog called max who she dresses up in baby bonnets and carries everywhere

- loves the dog filter, won’t rest until she can get it to recognise max’s face

- tries to be BFFs with her girlfriends’ mothers

Cynthia:

- aroace. gets defensive when people think it means she just can’t date people

- has that sort of ‘skirts and peter pan blouses’ look, never really wears anything too colourful, always wears stockings despite the weather

- long history of mental illness; has had trixie drive her to therapy on multiple occasions

- works at the local library and bookstore

- volunteers at the parish hall and animal shelter

- (it’s entirely her fault that trixie has max)

- has a therapy cat named mary

- met jenny through trixie. they were kinda awkward for a while but…well this is a poly au so the rest is history

- often winds up the middle of cuddle puddles

- officially dubbed the baby of the group by patsy

- actually gets the angriest out of everyone

- can remember everyone’s routines and eating habits. knows just how each person likes their coffee/tea/hot chocolate and what mug they like it in

- knows how to dupe everyone else in every game ever. mario kart? always knows the shortcuts and always chooses rainbow road. monopoly? always ends up with hotels on every space. uno? somehow manages to have an endless supply of +4 cards

Barbara:

- fluctuates between saying she’s bi and saying she’s pan. has a preference for guys

- wears cute pinafores and overalls, huge collection of socks

- has a huge collection of cacti and succulents, calls them her children

- somehow always manages to have a smudge of dirt somewhere

- likes pineapple on pizza

- works at a cafe in town, knows patsy and delia from how frequently they eat there

- lived with them for a while after her apartment building was scheduled to be knocked down

- effectively the constant third-wheel

- went to school with trixie, had a huge crush on her

- it takes her ages to figure out that trixie’s dating jenny and cynthia (and by this point that relationship is sorta starting to merge with delia and patsy)

- so it actually kinda takes her ages to join the entire relationship herself

- (it’s totally patsy and delia who set her up w/ trixie lbh)

- was kinda scared of max for a while

- tries to be the peacekeeper of the group but it rarely works

- idk whether or not tom exists in this au or not

Patsy:

- trans lesbian

- wears flannel all the time

- “if people can’t tell i’m gay within a second of meeting me, then what’s the point?”

- the only one who doesn’t celebrate christmas, begrudgingly deals with delia going overboard every year

- constantly exhausted but “coffee is for the weak”

- will kill a man if she doesn’t get nine hours of sleep

- delia’s high school sweetheart

- gay matchmaker. are you straight? she’ll find you someone that’ll make you rethink that

- tries to keep everyone else on a schedule, but it never works

- can’t cook for shit

- like seriously she nearly burned the house down trying to boil an egg

- wants to be a writer, can’t find a moment of peace

- A+ comfort-cuddler (needless to say, she’s really bad at seeking comfort when she’s the one who needs it)

- always has a mini first-aid kit on hand (for delia. she’s the only one who ever needs it)

- kicks in her sleep

Delia:

- really fucking gay but i don’t need to tell you that

- legitimately gets offended when people think she could ever like a guy

- deaf. she’s deaf. the most concrete headcanon in this au

- had adhd and a lack of self preservation

- always covered in plasters

- will climb/drink/eat/do anything for money

- an artist, goes from job to job most of the time

- paints on the walls, the ceiling, the banister

- paints on barbara while she sleeps

- once painted the door handle to patsy’s room because she wouldn’t buy milk

- gets drunk and gives herself and/or trixie stick-n-pokes

- takes super long showers, uses the hot water

- totally didn’t mean to send those nudes to you

- steals people’s clothes

Valerie:

- nonbinary

- likes girls exclusively, but has only had boyfriends before (in high school)

- wears horrid 80s fashion (but will always let trixie dress her up)

- plays old video games. she’s really bad at them

- manager at the cafe babs works at

- went to school with cynthia

- join the poly group way later

- starts dating trixie and dates only her for a long while (see: nearly a year) before joining the cuddle puddle and moving in

- she and delia argue about pointless shit a lot

- someone takes their eye off her for a second and she winds up in some small-town jail in scotland

- sleeps in the latest

- takes people on the cutest dates

- rivals trixie for being the neediest affection-wise

so that’s like. the main group. but then you have jimmy and alec who’re dating jenny (and each other) and they’re like…the OG cuddle puddle so i’m gonna include them too even though they don’t move into the same flat like the rest

Jimmy:

- small bi trans guy

- like seriously he used to hold the half-inch he had on jenny over her head, and then they met alec and now he has to come to terms with his shortness

- been dating jenny for like…a while

- they kind of told people they were dating just so they’d stop asking questions but then it just sort of…became a real thing

- they came out to their parents together because they’re kind of inseparable

- met alec through working as a carpenter and was like “holy shit i wanna kiss him but i can’t reach his face”

- eventually they came to the decision that it’d be alright if he kissed alec

- so he did? it was very unexpected for everyone involved

- weirdly enough jimmy’s the start of the poly au

- shares trixie’s love for the dog filter

- has This Look when he wants kisses (it always works)

Alec:

- tall™

- dresses all smart and shit but also has a bunch of hoodies (that jimmy and jenny steal)

- is competitive with jenny over everything: finishing books first, getting through the door quicker, giving jimmy more kisses in a day, putting the most juice in their glass without it spilling over

- doesn’t Get™ snapchat or any other type of social media

- actually really good at drawing

- secret art BFFs with delia

- building inspector; nearly fell through a hole in the ground because he got distracted by jimmy

- likes to see how much she can annoy jenny before she says something

then there’s like. extra characters who aren’t part of this giant fucking cuddle puddle they’re just there (but they’re important i promise you)

phyllis:

- lives in the flat next to the one the girls move into

- a retired nurse

- tries not to be so stern now that she isn’t a nurse anymore

- doesn’t succeed but at least she has a massive soft side

- lives with five cats

- looks after mary sometimes

- doesn’t like max at all

- tries to teach her cats spanish

- the others worried that she’d be super homophobic but she adores the giant gay family that lives next door

- delia’s her favourite, though

- purely because she witnessed her follow patsy barefoot out into the rain, yell “shoe’s are for pussies”, then proceed to climb patsy’s side like a fucking animal and cling to her while the taller girl kept walking

dr. turner:

- still married to shelagh with all their children dw

- works with jenny and patsy at the hospital

- (i still haven’t decided whether shelagh works at the same hospital)

- he’s basically who patsy and jimmy see about hormones n stuff like that

- so in the end he kinda finds out about this huge relationship because how else could two of his patients be dating another nurse at the hospital

- he’s p cool but he’s not really a main part in the au, so i don’t have much of a story for the turner family Whoops

so that's...essentially it?? tl;dr: jenny knows trixie through work, and meets cynthia through trixie. they meet patsy, jimmy and alec through jenny, and through patsy they meet delia and barbara. and then through barbara they meet valerie. dr. turner and shelagh work with jenny and patsy. and phyllis is their next-door neighbour who probably puts up with far too much shit. this entire response is 6-7 pages in a word document. thank you

#jesus christ this is horribly long #home is where the heart is #ctm poly au #call the midwife #hh do i tag the characters or not #jenny lee #trixie franklin #cynthia miller #barbara gilbert #patsy mount #delia busby #valerie dyer #jimmy wilson #alec jesmond #and here's your next telegram #cinderaella

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itsadrizzit · 6 years

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S T U X Z

S. What’s the sexiest thing you wrote this year?

Ha. Hahahahahaha I’m so bad at writing intimacy. Hahahahahaha. But seriously though, the thing I’m working on right now is TRYING to be. I think, though, the clear winner is chapter five of “This May Be My Last Song” where it is their last night before the international break at the end of August and the transfer window will close mid-break and Vincent and Christian know that Vincent is almost certainly not coming back to Spurs so it’s probably their last night together.

You start in this scene in a restaurant at a team dinner where they are very much trying (and failing) to keep their hands off one another, then move to Christian’s house where it’s all desperate need and desire, then you move to later and they’re showering and it’s them taking their time and trying to remember every second of things, so you move through this progression of feelings and need and physicality that I think is key with this pairing.

I’m still terrible at it, though.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

OH GOSH, DO I?!?!?

There are sort of two separate series of fics, although to be fair I only wrote one in the first series before the real life narrative derailed my plans, so I’ll talk about the other one. The themes here are all about found/made families and trying to find a sense of belonging and home--a place to be. It’s very juxtaposed in that Vincent sees Christian and his life at Spurs as happy and warm and stable. Like, he has all these friends and a house and a life and everyone loves him and values him and Vincent desperately wants that, but so often in his career he’s been displaced or moved or never felt like he fit in anywhere, so he feels like he’s always this outsider wishing he belonged somewhere. Then he gets sent to Fenerbahce and it’s just one more place in a string of places along the way where he doesn’t feel at home. He desperately wants to be in London with Christian and his friends, to fall into life there, to be a part of it and to be needed and wanted and to finally feel like he has a home. So it’s all about trying to make your way in the world when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere and how you make your own family even when it seems like you have nothing.

U. Any stories that took a abrupt u-turn from where you thought they were going?

Ummm...probably, yeah, in a way. I mean. I tend to plan the endings before I start writing the fic, so I generally know where I’m going before I get there. BUT! This current WIP has been nothing but u-turn after u-turn. It’s a Christmas fic that is just supposed to be this nice moment of everyone spending Christmas together and having a party and the boys being reunited for a week and instead....there’s a lot of angst and darkness. See above re: themes like, Vincent spends A LOT of time in his head thinking about the contrasts between his life and Christian’s life and how maybe Christian would be better off without him since he has his life together and Vincent is just floundering around wishing someone wanted him and it’s just...it’s A LOT for a Christmas fic and I didn’t expect most of it. So (provided I get this done before the end of the year) this will be the one that keeps switching directions on me in ways I definitely didn’t plan.

X. What’s your least favorite work of this year?

Weirdly, the first one “Five Times Christian Eriksen Helped His Teammates With Their Problems”. I mean, I guess it’s not that weird since I hadn’t written anything in about three years and I was just breaking into the fandom. Still, that’s the thing that kickstarted the whole situation I’m in and I did it specifically for a writing/podfic challenge and I love the podfic and had so much fun doing it and getting things all together, but when I read the writing now i’m like....ehhhhhhhhhhh this is pretty poor and I can do it better.

Which is good, I think. Even though I didn’t write *that* much this year and I really only started back in June I can see growth in my writing and that’s how it should be.

Z. If you could choose one work and immediately finish it, what would it be? How would you end it?

Ha, um, this now MONSTER of a WIP??? I just want it over with at this point.

No, for serious though, I think the second Five Times fic (”Five Times Christian Eriksen’s Teammates Helped Him with His Problems”). It runs in parallel with the other one and I want to write it because it’s basically snapshots of Christian’s teammates helping him (accidentally or not) figure out his shit with Vincent and is ostensibly Christian’s side of how they ended up getting together and I never did tell that story so I want to, but I keep getting sidetracked. Someday I’ll do it. Maybe another PodTogether, idk?

Thanks!!!

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