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zhuhongs · 3 years

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When I was growing up I didnt understand why people shared food with others. I shared food with my mom and such, but that was it. I thought that sharing food was something people only did with those super close to them. I never once just considered sharing food with others like many families do.

I grew up as one of the only poor colored kids in a well off white neighborhood. My mom always had this weird complex. That she and the rest of our family "weren't like other Hispanic people" because we "didn't take handouts" and "didn't live like that" whatever that was supposed to mean. I hate her internalized racism sm... it fucked me up so bad but i’m mostly over it and she is too thank god but that's a whole other issue for another text post) Thus she always ingrained it in me that I don't take food that other ppl are offering me. If a white person tries to give me food, they're probably just pitying me for being the poor girl. And if a poc gives me food, they need it more than I do, I should take it but pay them back later for it. To save face and not cause burden. I never thought twice abt it and it was rarely an issue. Most of my friends were white and their parents always thought it was kind that i offered to pay for my food but never let me. And my friends of color... well i didnt have many. I didnt have many friends growing up that I rlly remember. I was always just weird and quiet. I occasionally brought food on birthdays and got food for others on their birthday. But outside of special occasion I didnt go out of my way to give people food. If I didnt like something I'd give it to someone who did. And if someone was gonna throw something away, I ate it. I never let food go to waste. When I went out with people, I bought my food and they bought theres and we just ate. Nothing else. I never thought anything of it.

I remember a very distinct moment where I started to feel differently. I was in my second semester of university and my dance team was preparing for a performance over spring break. We had been practicing from 9am to 3pm and then decided to go to the mall to get food and just hang out for a bit. My university friend group is like.. notoriously bad at making decisions so I usually make the decisions for them bc theyre all so passive alkfjaslkfjd (THEY ALL HAVE OLDEST IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER OF COLOR SYNDROME like me too omg ik ur a ppl pleser but PICK SMTH, ily them... i’ll stop now) . SO we were deciding where to get food and settled on the food court and we all get what we want. So we did all that and sat a big table together and I just remember everyone putting the food in the middle and getting extra plates so we could take from each we wanted and have a little bit of everything. And at first i was like?? HUH!?? like I got what i wanted bc thats what I wanted and then planned to take my leftovers home to eat at work later that night. And that ended up working out, they could kinda tell that was my intention but ever since then I noticed that that friend group always does that. We all buy different things and share. I really used to find it dumb at first bc its my money and i paid for what i wanted. I didn’t want to take others food and I didn’t rlly want to give them mine. I thought that mentality was universal. I was always kinda on the outside with that group, we never fully meshed but I really wanted to make the effort to be friends with them because I knew it would be rewarding, even if we were just casual friends. And yea idk, just through them I began to kinda unlearn the way I used to feel about sharing food. It’s not about the money, it’s about the connection to others and about giving freely and letting others give to u. But money was always tight as a id. As I’ve started working and making money, thankfully i’ve abandoned this knee jerk reaction.

I read a chapter of a book for highschool english once called “Sharing Food as an Act of Communion” or smth along those lines and I got the concept but didn’t rlly think it was that deep. But in that moment, i started to understand it a lot more. Sharing food and sharing things in general isn’t about the object itself, its about what got u to that point to share something with someone. Due in part to way i was raised as I elaborated on earlier, I really wasn’t a loving or giving person. I was selfish. I was taught to be selfish. Because my parents had that mentality and passed it onto their kids. That was the cutthroat immigrant way of theirs. They were very much “pull yourself up by your bootstraps ppl.” My brother is still like that a bit. It’s very sad sometimes, I’m trying to get him out of it. Baby steps. My mom doesn’t understand why he’s so selfish. One of these days I think i’m going to sit her down and tell her that it’s her own doing. That how she raised us. But I know she doesn’t want to hear it, so for her sake and mine I just agree with her and let the issue pass without incident. I truly believe that kindness and community are the most radical things that humans have. I rlly do. It took me a long time to get there. I used to be so convinced I was better of alone. One man for themselves. I blame my father, i really do.

One time when things were really going to shit with my family, my dad came in my room and asked me how I could be so cruel to him when he was my father, completely unaware of the fact that I had been abused by him my entire life. He just didn’t register it that way bc it wasn’t physical. He said to me “You know Sage, I would expect this from your brother. But you’re a girl . I thought you’d be nicer, more loving and giving.” but it was his own actions that shaped this. And it wasn’t until I had stopped living with him at 18 that I was able to become more like how I am now.

Really, in the past I wasn’t a very nice or loving person. I wasn’t mean either!! I was just passive. A cold lake near a forest. I was nice looking on any surface level, but there was nothing warm or pleasant. A cold lake with jagged rocks underneath. With the help of others i’ve warmed, the rocks eroded down to something you would keep in a collection. I prefer it this way. I’ve healed a bit. I understand now what ppl mean when they say food is a love language. It isn’t one for me yet, but I recognize why it is for others. I get it now.

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vsirin · 7 years

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@nickygrimms tagged me to do the 92 truths game so!!! thank u!

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST…

1. Drink: water (thats all i drink tbh)

2. Phone call: it’s been Weeks but probably the library

3. Text message: i texted my sister abt the sims

4. Song you listened to: kiwi by harry styles

5. Time you cried: i was close to crying on sunday but i didnt... i think i cried some time last week about 1) michael and 2) flinthamilton reunion

HAVE YOU EVER…

6. Dated someone twice: ive never dated someone ONCE lol

7. Been cheated on: nope

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: cant regret it if u never do it B)

9. Lost someone special: yea

10. Been depressed: a little bit?

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS

foresty green, yellow (like the van gogh sunflower shade of yellow), and maroon

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. Made new friends: yep!!

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: idt so?

19. Met someone who changed you: yes i think every friend changes my life bc im so grateful to have friends

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i have 2 fb friends and no i have not kissed either of them

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life? 1 (hey thats half of them though!)

23. Do you have any pets?: yea 3 dogs

24. Do you want to change your name?: yeaaah it’s a Struggle bc i dont like it but its my Name and i feel stupid trying to go by smth else? idk :/

25. What did you do for your last birthday? ummmm i went to a used bookstore and treated myself to half of inxs’s albums.. then i think i got taco bell for lunch? and ate spaghetti for dinner. AND played mass effect andromeda for the first time

26. What time did you wake up? YIKES today is a bad day to ask lol i think i wasnt up until 12:45 or later...

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? drivin home :// rip

28. Name something you cannot wait for: like in the big scheme of things, i cant wait to learn the Skills necessary for my dream job so i can make video games for a living

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: i see her right now

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i mean there are things i wish were different but more in a “i’ll accomplish these things one day” and not just “i want to change this now” ??? idk

31. What are you listening to right now: a compilation of kirk pengilly’s sax solos

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: 1) the fact i have to pee and im not getting up to go and 2) i need to draw and i WANT to draw and yet...

34. Most visited website: probably twitter bc i always go on there n talk

35. Elementary: yes

36. High school: yes

37. College/university: no... bc of $$$

38. Hair color: brown

39. Long hair or short: it’s like shoulder length rn but i want it long again so

40. Do you have a crush on someone: not IRL

41. What do you like about yourself: physically i love my nose which i used to hate a LOT but not anymore, i like my eyes and how many freckles i have, and then not-physically i like that i’m a nice and soft person and i’m emotional and sensitive and i think thats nice plus i think i have Cool taste in movies and music and things

42. Piercings: no i am so scared of needles and it’ll never happen

43. Blood type: how tf should i know

44. Nickname: none rlly? i want a nickname tho someone give me one

45. Relationship status: single but Actually luke arnold is my Boyfrend so

46. Zodiac sign: taurus

47. Pronous: she/her but im not... idk im chill

48. Favorite TV show: black sails!! but i also love battlestar galactica a LOT and chuck is one of my favs too.. i could go on but this only asked for fav and not top 5 lol

49. Tattoos: none bc... im scared of needles.. and i’ll probably never get one lol i’m a weenie

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST…

51. Surgery: ive never had one

52. Piercings: none

54. Sport: um?? ive never really Done a sport like i’ve never been on a team or anything. but i did a lot of biking and i was a hardcore jump-roper when i was little

55. Vacation: the beach!!

56. Pair of trainers: “what is this asking lol” same nour

57. Eating: im not currently eating anything

58. Drinking: water

59. I’m about to: go through all the tabs i have open RIP

60. Listening to: various inxs songs, i just finished learn to smile and now im listening to we are thrown together

61. Waiting for: hmmm... breakfast tmm... tomorrow in general bc im gonna Do things... my beach vacation later this summer... im always waiting for when i achieve my Ultimate Goal of making video games but that sort of implies im not doing anything abt it and thats not tru

62. Want: some food... some potatoes... i want to start some more hobbies like embroidery, gardening, and yoga maybe?? and i want to be able to do handstands and splits so i wanna do more stretching and what not.. i want lots of things but not in a whiny/im not trying to achieve these goals type of way if that makes sense

63. Get married: i mean maybe... like the concept is cute... when i look at my Favs (read: luke) i’m like “yeah i would marry them in a heartbeat” but irl i just dont know we’ll see.. im a Romantic type of person (despite being aromantic lol) but for me i need just a Soul Connection w/ someone and if it’s not in a marriage type of way then thats okay? idk man

64. Career: oh i know this one!!! video game programmer!!!

YOUR TYPE…

65. Hugs or kisses: ???? how can i answer this??? if i loved someone i would want hugs AND kisses?? but yeah hugs probably

66. Lips or eyes: ugh this is so hard i dont know??? bc w/ ppl i like i always appreciate all their features so much... i dont know which i prefer.. but to answer the question i guess i’ll go w/ eyes

67. Taller or shorter: taller

68. Older or younger: older than me or at least born the same year idk im always younger than my friends and it’s weird to be older than ppl

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach... i like a soft tummy but like idk arms are just arms yknow...

71. Sensitive or loud: 100% sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hm... i would say hesitant bc i am but then i dont know, balance /is/ key right... can i just say like “reasonable” instead of an extreme lol

HAVE YOUR EVER… (these are all gonna be no’s lol)

74. Kissed a stranger: no

75. Drank hard liquor: no

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no

77. Turned someone down: i mean not really?

78. Sex on the first date: no

79. Broken someone’s heart: no

80. Had your heart broken: every episode of black sails broke my heart so yeah

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: who doesnt cry when someone dies lol yes

83. Fallen for a friend: i dont Know what romantic feelings are so how would i know

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. Yourself: yep

85. Miracles: yes

86. Love at first sight: like i know it’s not Really but hey why not i think it’s a cute idea ,,, i think u can get Vibes from people and u can be attracted to their vibe yknow

87. Santa Claus: no

88. Kiss on the first date: sure

89. Angels: yes

OTHER…

90. Current best friend’s names: trina & alyssa (and u nour!!)

91. Eye color: blue

92: Favorite movie: jurassic park!!!! bc of bby joe mazzello and it’s just a good movie. and also my fav but in a different way is catch me if you can... and i’m having a hard time not saying the great gatsby too AND rush bc 1) chris hemsworth and 2) race cars!!! and 3) i love niki lauda and daniel bruhl’s accent in it is so good... also one more is snowpiercer, it would be my top fav except that it’s so heavy and i have to be in a super specific vibe to watch it... anyway those are my favs sort of in order

and i’ll tag the same ppl i always tag to do this: @punkrockaries @ageofthesith @fignewmans

#personal #this was lots of fun! thank u for tagging me nour :*

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