#idk what I am doing with my life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loudponyslimetree · 2 years

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Trigger warning: sa, ed, sh, depression, death, blood

So I am currently a few days before I write my finals in uni for this semester… and I am deep spiralling because I am very much afraid of failing my courses and then feeling the need to drop out of uni because I am stupid…

Like I said spiralling -.-

But there also is the worry of never finding anybody I could fall in love with or be attracted to more than ‚yeah they look good‘ 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also kind of questioning my sexuality like am I maybe no because women look nice as well and I wouldn’t mind to test it out once? But then also maybe jut kissing because doing more freaks me out with any gender so…

Also maybe not the best thing that I have an experience with sa with a mail man and am kind of terrified of answering the door since that day, is not really helping… I was still underage at the time and very much naive. Nothing happens much but the mid twenties man touched my bum and tried to kiss me several times and wouldn’t accept no as answer to stop approaching me. 🤠🙃🙂 and my mum was in our apartment showering at the time, so I wasn’t home alone which was a huge help because she Heard- the end of my conversation with that man and because of her voice he finally left as well. But that left me a little bit traumatised.

And usual teen drama, like nobody ever like me in a romantic way (not that I am aware of anyway) and my best friends all are either extremely gorgeous and single or are in serious relationships… so I feel like an extremely ugly duckling next to them.

But back to me questioning my sexuality. Like I could also understand if I am attracted to the character and not the looks, because it takes a while for me to actually like people and be open with them. But I am socially awkward anyway so that could be it as well…

But I know if I would test it out to be gay and would Land in a gay relationship I know my mum and stepdad would accept it but it would take them a while to come to terms with it. (I had such a conversation years ago with my parents because I never showed interest in anybody I know (celebrity ‚crushes‘ exist) and my mum kind of tries to „set“ me up with every male my age that I or she knows because she wants me in a relationship…)

Oh and a few months ago I had my first kiss and I really do regret it because it was a weird situation looking back at it. It was all consensual at the time but I now really question myself what I thought in that week when I was talking to the boy because I do not jump head first into those situations. They make me feel very very uncomfortable.

And not to forget that my dad asks me every time we talk if there are any boys I met in uni. Like yes the male species exists and I have classes with boys but I don’t really talk to much with them because ✨socialising✨ is sometimes very uncomfortable for me too. Don’t get me wrong I can talk with people but I feel very awkward because I feel like I can only talk about the same 3-5 topics and I need to know peoples interests to talk with them.

Great I am spiralling again 🤠

And then I imagine what my life will be like in the future and I don’t know if I would be happy with that. But I can’t change my life in other directions because that train left when I was a child and sadly my family didn’t force me to do a sport or play an instrument because they were all about me making my own choices and I didn’t have the time for that because I always took a little bit longer to do my homework and I was also away every other weekend at my dads place.

I am writing a novel in this post but I just need to get it if my chest… also I have been crying way more these past few weeks compared to how much I’ve cried since I was 8. the reason for me being unable to cry happened just over 12 years ago. And suddenly I can kind of start to cry again because I am overwhelmed with uni? Seems unfair. There where many many moments in my life where I wanted to cry my eyes out and I couldn’t do it. And now I should suddenly be able to do it again because I don’t know what to do with my life?

I would never could myself and do other harm to my body in that way to leave scars on it, but I could slide into an accidental ed because I just forget to eat because of heat and stress and I don’t really feel hungry sometimes. There were moments in my life when my parents had to force me to eat like I wasn’t allowed to leave the table before I at least eat 5 bites of food. (It was when covid first started and everything closed, I was like 5 weeks before I had to take my finals in high school (to explain it the easiest because there isn’t really a translation in the English language and I am too lazy to explain it now) and I could bother to eat at the time) tried cutting once but it didn’t do anything and inessenzielle to stupid to do it right (was at a very dark moment with my family (a lot of deaths hitting very close and in a very short amount of time) and I was like I can’t cry (still can’t about that tho, so something at least stays the same I guess) but I can’t bottle up my feelings about it and yeah it didn’t do anything and it just hurt… I probably used a too sharp pocket knife. That’s the only thing I could think of in that time and never tried it again after two small cuts. It didn’t even bleed.

How did I get to self harm again? I don’t know. Just letting everything go at once I guess. Nobody knows about those things. About the worries, the thoughts about hurting myself, death in general…

Oh and I don’t really feel comfortable talking with my parents (why did my phone correct that word into owners?) about boys because it feels like my mum want me to be married tomorrow and start popping out grandkids like shortly after that. Don’t get me wrong I like kids (I am studying to become a teacher if I don’t drop out) and I do want my own kids one day. But she teases me too much about every guy that is in my life or that I have texted with.

Funny side story there : a boy in one of my classes texted me and I told my parents about that because it was funny and I laughed about it and that was in like November or something like that and since that day my mum still teases me about that boy. Never met him, don’t know what he looks like. I think I have had a class with him because of a WhatsApp groupchat where he got my number from. Oh and she tries to push me in the direction of my best friend and I know that boy since I am 6 years old and he was 5. so no I grew up with him and yes he looks very attractive but I don’t want a relationship with him thank you very much. Know to much about him and his experiences that I do not want to try it with him. I also don’t like him like that!

So yeah I don’t tell my parents about boys in that way because I don’t want to be teased (I know she doesn’t mean it in a bad way but it can get very annoying if both my mum and dad always ask me about boys and are annoying with me having never been in a relationship)

Like I will most likely not tell my parents about my first kiss because I actually am ashamed of it and I don’t want to remember it and it wasn’t great. I also am I don’t think ready for a serious relationship because I am not in the best place mentally still. A bit of covid depression I would say (I never went to therapy when I hit my teens and I probably should talk with my parents about that) like covid gives me anxiety and I kind of want a dog/pet/ child but I know I definitely don’t have the financial independence for that and not the time. Also the responsibility is way to much at the moment! I myself forget to eat like so many times in the week! There was a bigger period of time (like 2-3 weeks) when I only ate like 1,5 meals a day max! And they consisted of like 3 pieces of bread in total…

Let’s be honest when I put the trigger warnings in the # I realised that I completely went over the board and that what I wrote down definitely isn’t what I actually wanted to post?

My point was that I maybe think that I am asexual but I want to try sex and I did kind of had a sex dream before and I liked the idea of it in the dream? Maybe I also haven’t met the right person because I don’t trust people? But like I like the idea of sex in general and I want to experience it but also it freaks me out in the moment because trust issues (eg my sa experience) so ons are out of thought but there are famous people I would consider it with, but they are all in relationships 🤷🏼‍♀️ so that is not happening! I also don’t know them or know how to get to know them, just saying…

I started questioning my sexuality after my first kiss and let’s be honest nothing has been the same since. Like I think there is a time where every one questions it at least once and I have before but maybe because I was questioning myself after my first kiss and that weekend of it is that I question my sexuality more now? Idk 🤷🏼‍♀️🤠

I think I’ll stop here now because I think I would be able to continue typing for at least another 3 hours and I really need to go to bed now.

Sorry if some things don’t really make sense or you are not willing to read this novel of a post but I just needed to vent.

Also sorry for any typing mistakes my phone started being strange after an hour and I am to tired to proofread this novel at the moment and if I don’t post it now I probably never will and I need to get it of my chest!

Peaces, sleep well and good night world, tomorrow is a new day!

Lou ✨

#tw ed vent #tw self h4rm #tw depressing stuff #tw death #tw blood #tw sa mention #🤠 being used in a sarcastic sense #Emojis in general being used as a form of sarcasm #idk what I am doing with my life #i should go to bed and not type out a tumblr post for like an hour #i am way to tired for this #i have uni tomorrow #my exams start next Monday #and we have 1 am currently and I am still spiralling #i wanted to make a short post about me questioning if I am asexual or not because how are you supposed to know how things feel?#things being feelings like love and all that jazz #me just completely venting all my thought at the moment and insecurities to strangers on the internet because I feel they wouldn’t judge me #as much as my friends…#also I start being unable to type because my autocorrection is being weird after an hour of straight typing….

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