#idk. there's nothing we can do anyway so. whatever.

[eyelessfaces]

uncalled for

summary: you get quite upset when poe "saves" your assigned mission by giving orders to your teams without consulting you; poe is determined to fix his mistake.

warnings: (public) arguing, talks of the future; family and having kids

tags: gn!reader, angst, being parents to bb8, fluff, this ends up being real sweet tbh

word count: 1.7k

masterlist | taglist | ao3

updates blog: @eyelessupdates

(uh yeah I'm back if you even noticed I was gone lol. I might just post this and disappear again for a little longer idk but anyways I'll explain the reason whenever I'm back for good; I'm okay don't worry, and I'm still gonna post fics don't worry it's nothing too serious fr)

It causes a disruption when you both barge into the hangar; despite the constant clattering and whirring of tools and material there, both your bitter shoutings have been overlapping the sounds ever since Poe started following you closely, right from the moment you hastily jumped out of your x wing to try to forget about the awful management of your mission that would probably cost you to never get to lead one again. 

“It was my call, not yours” you affirm bitterly, voice dripping with resentment, your steps heavy and hurried as you try to shake Poe off but he is anything if not persevering, so it only manages to piss you off even more and fuel your frustration. “I didn’t need you to save my mission or whatever,” you exclaim, causing heads to turn as you walk across the large room, barely minding what is going on around you. 

“I did because I knew it would work!” Poe tries to explain, still heeling you closely. “I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t sure it would be successful” he declares louder than he needs to, thrown off when you suddenly stop in your steps, turning to him.

“So you think you can make decisions for me? You think I can’t do it, can’t command a mission correctly?” you rhetorically ask, revolted, sighing a profanity under your breath before you storm off again, your steps resonating with frustration. Poe sighs and winces before he follows you again, taking a hold of your arm.

“Babe come on you know that’s not–”

You stop again, your patience running short. “You had no right to encroach on my orders, I knew what I had to do, and you stepping in with your own instructions could have blown the whole mission up!” you call out, pressing a finger to his chest. 

It’s when you finally take a moment to take a look at his face that you realize it, what is going on; you are being the center of attention, the little show everyone stopped their current task to sit and watch, your every word carefully awaited by your unwanted audience. 

You sigh softly, taking a moment to step back from the situation. “Now leave me alone before we embarrass ourselves further or before I tell you things I don’t really mean just because I’m angry and don’t wanna talk to you” you hiss softly before leaving Poe in the middle of the busy room where he watches you walk away, helplessly standing there. 

When he looks around him, most people turn away and avert their gazes to pretend they haven’t witnessed anything, and Poe is well too aware of the tension still lingering in the air even as you exit the room.

When Jessika climbs down from her ladder after watching the scene from her cockpit, BB-8 rolls over to her and chirps sadly, having observed yours and Poe’s argument from afar just like most of the hangar after his master went running after you. She kneels down to the droid’s level, giving him a sympathetic smile.

“That’s gonna be fine Beebs, they always end up figuring it out somehow” she affirms as the droid’s upper part sinks in distress accompanied by saddened beeps. Jessika can’t help but smile fondly at him and his obvious concern, at the fact that he quite literally acts like you are his parents.

—

A few hours have passed when Poe joins you again; you don't notice him at first, having made sure to get focused enough on your paperwork to forget about the whole situation and try to ease the frustration within you. It's only when you put your datapad down that you see him leaning against the door frame.

“You're so pretty when you're focused” he smiles gently when your eyes meet his figure, causing you to roll your eyes and reluctantly smile at his words despite your lingering frustration. 

“I’m still mad at you,” you sigh softly as you try to hide your slight smirk, gaze darting back down to enter numbers into your datapad.

He acknowledges your feelings with a nod, his lips pressed together in a tight line. “I know.” he admits, stepping into the room. “That’s why I’m here” You look back up at him, taking a deep breath as you set your datapad aside; despite the fact that everything he did since you wrapped your mission up got on your nerves, deep down you only wish for this to situation to get figured out and eventually be behind the both of you. You join him in front of your desk, leaning against it.

“I knew what I was doing. I was handling it” you affirm before he even gets the chance to do so much as open his mouth.

He holds a hand up to slow you down. “I know,” he nods understandingly. “I shouldn’t have redirected the plan, I should have trusted you. I was just afraid things would go wrong considering how it was all starting to go down so quickly” he explains. “I know I could have fucked it all up, everything you put in place so the mission could go right” you slightly tilt your head to the side in agreement. 

“And I know my move was probably a lot more dangerous than the plan you had in mind to make everything right but you know I would never put you or our teams in danger, only myself” he declares with a concerned nod, causing your expression to soften. “You, never. I would never risk it, no matter what” there’s a soft frown over his face as his eyes flicker with sincerity, his confession making your heart ache as it hangs in the air before he talks again. “And I never doubted your ability to command a mission.” 

You nod with a heavy sigh, acknowledging his apology. “I should apologize too. I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that either.” you admit and nod sheepishly, reflecting on your impulsive behavior. “I really wanted this mission to go right”

“For what it’s worth,” he starts with a small smile, trying to dissimulate a bigger one. “I talked about it with Leia and she thinks you did pretty good” his declaration doesn’t fail to draw an appreciative smile from you, one that makes him mirror your action. “And she thinks we would work great together”

“And I agree,” you reply, finally feeling a weight lift off your shoulders as the tension between you begins to dissipate. “We do make a good team.”

Poe’s smile widens, relieved to see you loosen up a bit. “Yeah, we do” he agrees with a small huff, stepping closer to you. “I just hate seeing you so worked up.”

You chuckle softly, shaking your head. “I hate getting worked up,” you scoff. 

“I’ll try to think about it twice next time,” Poe promises, reaching out to gently take your hand in his. “I don’t want to step on your toes or make you feel like I don’t trust you or your judgment.”

Your fingers intertwine with his, the warmth of his touch calming you further. “Well I’ll try not to snap at you,” you promise in return, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze as you let your head rest against his chest with a small, barely audible sigh. “Especially not in front of everyone,” you mutter, earning an amused chuckle from him. You melt into his touch as he leans to press a gentle kiss over your forehead, his hand that is not holding yours coming to wrap around you.

It is only after you pull away from his embrace and leave a chaste kiss to his lips that the corner of your eye notices a sort of spy in the corner of the door frame.

“What’s he doing here” 

Poe frowns before he turns around, huffing out a laugh when he notices BB-8 peeking out the door. “How long have you been here?” he jokingly scolds his droid that fully reveals himself now that he has been caught. “You know he doesn’t like when we fight” he softly sighs turning back to you, a mix of amusement and concern in his eyes before he looks at BB rolling over the both of you.

You shake your head, unable to suppress your smile at BB-8’s presence. “Very sweet of him to be looking out for us,” you start, reaching out to pat the droid’s dome affectionately. “But maybe he should learn not to eavesdrop.”

BB-8 chirps playfully, obviously pleased with the attention, seemingly eager to be a part of the reconciliation.

Poe chuckles, kneeling down to scratch behind BB-8’s sensor with a fond smile. “Yeah, yeah, we’ll work on that,” he says before glancing back at you with a soft smile. “He's our kid, he’s been worried sick about us, weren't you?” he turns to BB, who's beeping frantically in agreement.

You glance at him, then back at Poe, a softness settling in your chest at the sight of them together, your little family. “Our first kid, yeah” you smile softly, heart fluttering inside your chest.

“First? Meaning there's gonna be more?” Poe asks with a playful smile, getting back on his feet. He raises his eyebrows as he awaits your response, and you both laugh at the sudden change of atmosphere as Poe wraps a hand around you before pressing a kiss to your temple.

You huff out a laugh at his quick jump to conclusion, “I don't know, you're a pretty good dad to this one,” you shrug.

“A couple hours ago I was dead to you and now we're talking having kids” he laughs into your hair, a teasing tone in his voice. 

“You weren’t even close to being dead to me, you’re so dramatic Poe” you declare with a small scoff, poking his chest lightly. “That’s the reason Beebs loves you so much” you tease, making him huff out a laugh. “I’d say we should focus on surviving one parenting experience first,” you chuckle looking down at BB-8, nudging Poe playfully. “But who knows what the future holds?”

Poe grins, his eyes sparkling with excitement as his arm grasps tighter around his hold on you. “As long as I have you by my side, I'm up for anything babe.”

—

reblogs and feedback are extremely (I cannot stress this enough) appreciated!!

star wars masterlist: @lockleysgrl @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @alexxavicry @mystinky-butt @anightshift @whatthefishh @dameronshandholder @campingwiththecharmings @mintgreen24 @spider-starry @jakecockley @cocodiem @spxctorsslxt @friedwings @luxisluxurious @stvnnie @dowbastan @il0vebeingdelulu @hammerhead96 @unear7hly

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron imagine #poe dameron fic #poe dameron x you #poe dameron x y/n #poe dameron fanfic #poe dameron fluff #star wars #oscar isaac #oscar isaac characters #poe dameron angst

[transmascutena]

thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder

#akio and utena #m #long ramble in the tags sorry: #the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human #he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims #he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry. #and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios #(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think. #like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her #i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing #not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that. #and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did #but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her? #whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway #idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims #the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it? #how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions. #(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive #but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.) #when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her #but is there something genuine there too? i don't know. #again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me. #on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had #reflected back at him through her mean anything? #is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid. #either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over. #i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways) #but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly #wants you to analyze and think about. #which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[poems-of-a-lover]

i will never understand the "stop casting straight actors as gay characters" argument. people just wanna out gay actors so they can have a better grasp on who to hate.

#like this is notttt the argument u think it is #'gay roles should be reserved for gay actors' TURN ON UR BRAIN #i understand wanting to have more queer actors and to have them get more recognition. that's completely fine and im all for that. #what im NOT for is trying to enforce that every gay character has to be played by a gay actor #like did u guys learn nothing from kit connor #or all of the other actors that were forcibly outed due to this argument. like seriously. #im sorry im ranting but dear lord man #i just saw a clip of a decently popular influencer saying shit like this and it makes me so upset. esp coming from a queer creator. #celebrities owe us nothing. absolutely fucking nothing. #they dont owe us that knowledge abt themselves and we should not feel like we're entitled to it just bc two men kissed on screen!! goodness #celebrities are people and they deserve their own privacy and to have their journeys on their own time just like everyone else #they dont even need to have a journey!!!! they don't have to do anything!!! they can just live their lives!!!!! #idk man this really gets under my skin #stop trying to force people to come out just so u can make sure the very little amount of queer media we get is 'genuine' or whatever #like u sound ignorant and bigoted dude cmon now #am i gonna get hate for this i swear #anyway rant done its 1:30 am im gonna go back to! writing! #long tags #rant

[chanyoungies]

김준서 (KIM JUN SEO) 1st Mini Album [ECHOES of love] 2022.11.20 6PM (KST)

#kim junseo #wei #ouiai #DEAR GOD it's 10AM as i draft we have 6 hours to go until i post but oh my god im finally done i thought id never finish dear GOD #this is far from the best thing ive ever done. but it was an interesting experience #nd definitely took some time (not the most tho . nothing can beat paula's birthday set when it comes to that) but also .... surprisingly #less than i thought ? like longer but also shorter .? u know ? #this made me go insane i kept forgetting about my food and i also kept working in silence half of the time bc i would forget to put smth on #eri if i decide to do a second one next year PLEASE tell me to start sooner like if i start brainstorming into ur ear in like may pls accept #i say 'if' as if i wasnt already working on song choices for next year lmao #i was really excited for this and i think that made me not rlly think as much as i should have i think i can do better next year . if i star #if i start early enough #ANYWAYS #happy junseo birth <3 my prince <3 or smth idk #pls dont perceive the mcd thumbnail from up close i beg u #boy who's so important . . a boy so fox . . . nation's model (2) pretty boy with pretty voice . . whatever im not gonna start rambling more #but he's very important n i hope he knows that he is & that he's so very loved & i hope that he's happy today and always . etc #nd i love him or whatever . whatever whatever no one look everyone close your eyes #*mine #special thanks to eri as always my bewoved who has been hearing me talk about this for the past like month thank u for putting up with me #(re:this and also in general i love u)

[solipseismic]

how is it that we get a roommate to replace the former roommate whom we had beef with for screaming at their video games and the new roommate does the same exact thing but with a different emotion. like didn't we get you to avoid this exact scenario

#granted there were a lot of other worse and different reasons why we kicked alyx out #however; #and granted we did say at the beginning of this thing that new roommate is a twitch streamer and games a lot so this may be an issue #HOWEVER. #4 days out of the week i have to text this fuckass to keep it down bc i hear them shrieking clear across the house at 1am after they? idk? #get shot by a 13 yr old in fortnite? #get good i guess! #genuine rage over this due to i can hear them yelling right now (it is 1130 pm) #and it isnt even a good game. and? you aren't even good at it. #idk. skill issue on both counts! i dont have a bad time in game bc im good at it. and even when i do i am not making noises #especially not noises that can be heard across a hallway and two (2) doors #like the most insignificant of insignificant petty grievances but perhaps the one i am most frustrated by #somehow #'ahhh i play fortnite ahhh i'm having such a time playing fornite' i have nothing but contempt for you. #in the most asshole way possible. after having played a few games. telling ppl u play fortnite is embarrassing. #no matter how u do. u win? congratulations! you just wiped a bunch of 13 yr olds #u lose? congratulations! u just got wiped by a bunch of 13 yr olds and some fuckass who drops $50 weekly to get some fuckass shiny gun #or whatever. #ANYWAYS ... #everyone avert ur eyes im tired and pissed about a variety of things. #croidhe #AND they don't clean up after themselves EITHER. granted not to the extent alyx didn't #and at least they're not a complete asshole. but. did we NOT get you to avoid. this EXACT scenario.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload? #me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃 #listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook #i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort #to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop #being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol #i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like #let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and #make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works #ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil #ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations #bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess #its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively #health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by #medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary. #like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think #of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf #my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its #bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror #when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the #most me coded character to ever exist #unrelated

[peapod20001]

I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3

#random post #me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/ #I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living #I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it #also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible #way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems #and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes #it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is #me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real #anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie #lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd #ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for #over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me #spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3 #when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing #nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living #drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s #causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been #using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit #but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever #it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot #I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms #together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally #I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our #communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont #get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of #how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones #I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you

[skrunksthatwunk]

fuck that last fight against nightmare boooooo this shit is actually so stupid and evil and i don't like it >:(

#it's. eugh. it's. FUCK #i don't like it it's so bad i've done it like 10 times now #eughhhhhhhghhhnghn #dmc #dmc1 #i still ahven't beaten it either.. sheeshhh #and i have to fight the stupid ice lizard things before a lot of the attempts too and half the time i can't dodge their jump thing because #i'm mid-combo so any indication of the wind-up to it can't actually be reacted to bc i'm busy getting hit or hitting #such that by the time the move is finished i literally can't get out of the way. often a roll isn't even enough range and they stand next t #each other so one roll's basically all i have time for anyway. sigh #whateverrr. this blows. this blows actual literal severe ass. ughhhhghh #dante. dante i believe in you i believe in us we can do this. but FUCK YOU NIGHTMARE YOU STUPID OOZE #arrrhghrhharzagraaaaa #sigh.. look the vulnerable points shouldn't only be available during 100% attacks in that area such that you take crazy damage if you #actually try to attack the part you have to attack before it goes away. and i've gotten so close ONLY FOR THE SECOND PHASE TO INITIATE AND #IMMEDIATELY KILL ME. BROOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOINGG #look maybe i'm a pissbaby who's bad at video games but this pissbaby's got feelings #i should probably try a different weapon combo... sigh... #i did so bad on my alastor attempt that i've been using ifrit (i also like how fast the devil time is given the brevity of the weak spot's #appearances) but maybe sparda would be a better choice. but i like the devil trigger. i gotta listen to the song y'know. it's all about the #devil trigger babyy it's all about the devil time. and sparda's got nothing. maybe i should use that gun that looks like the goop #like. like is that a hint? idk i'd think if they were made of the same stuff it would be less effective #and i don't like that it seems to stunt your devil gauge. but if i'm using sparda anyway in for a penny in for a pound ig #whatever. rant over. i am. Calm (<- lying). so i'm gonna try again #and if i get mad again i'll do hw or something

[toytulini]

idk. picky eater rights. im coming to your events and turning my picky bitch nose up at your fancy ass desserts you spent a bajillion hours working over in the kitchen and asking if i can find like a basic ass brownie with no extra flairs or ingredients or steps or whatever the fuck. cry about it. stop trying to feed me

#toy txt post #they gotta have some picky eater bitches be the judges on those food competition shows i stg #sorry for committing the unforgivable sin of my tastebuds didnt enjoy the food you made. it was intended as a personal slight actually #i am trying to offend you for real. yeah. thats definitely whats happening. god/sssss #like god irl if i dont like food you made ill try to be fuckin gracious about it buf dont fucking get mad at me for like. idk. prepping my #own foods you percieve as worth less or whatever the fuck. ppl are so fucking weird about food. #honestly guy on prev post didnt even dislike the cake it sounded like but was just experiencing the human emotion of disappointment #when the little specific joy he was looking forward too was not what he expected. if she had asked him 'do you mind if i make a similar cake #that is not the exact same as the one you asked for? maybe he wouldve been fine cos he wouldnt have been looking forward to that specific #thing. OR maybe he wouldve said if youre not going to make this very specific one im looking forward to then dont bother i dont want you #wasting the time and effort and then she wouldnt have been mad. or maybe she wouldve. ppl do get weird about that kind of thing #maybe saying that wouldve been a crime too. guess that dumb asshole shouldve shut up and eaten his stupid cake and enjoyed it and said #nothing. a recipe for happiness #anyway. hot take ig stop putting nuts in desserts. alllergy havers will prolly thank you but you know who else will thank you? #every day i see takes about food that make me think i really should be more of a picky bitch eater on maim to knock yall pretentious #food fuckers down a peg tbh. every day i resist the urge but god how yall test me. let me be the judge on a cooking show. #weird assholes who are rude abt ppl having allergies or sensory issues: come here. im going to break you #anyway more of us picky bitches who are picky just for like. casual reasons. we should he loud picky bitches on main. if a cook or baker or #whatever can accommodate my picky bitch ass thats difficult to feed for no reason we can be sure they can accommodate allergy havers #and ppl w medical restricted diets. if they can be gracious about me just not vibing w the food then they can def be gracious about more #sensitive reasons. yea i could choke down the food i dont like probably. it wouldnt make me throw up or send me to the hospital. but why #should i? if youre an asshole to me about simply not liking your shit then why the hell would i feel safe disclosing medical info to your #bitch ass? why would i trust you to follow it? and not try to sneak some shit in bc you think you know better about food? #anyway #picky eater rights. let ppl be picky for no apparent reason. cos the ppl who have uwu Good Valid Reasons(tm) dont fucking owe you that #explanation

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

i need to run away from home i need to move to a city and meet people who get it and i need to get my tits cut off for realsies this time like i've had enough actually. for the love of god

#my parents are being kind enough to pay for sessions with a life coach bc im very stuck and not at all sure what to do #and the bad news is that it's a woman from my old church #but the good news is that i've always liked her and she's the most normal person there re: non-christians #like we have a relationship that goes back 15 years and i've never once felt judged by her like i love her #and had NO IDEA she did the whole life coach thing #so im hoping that once we start this it'll be the active hand holding i need to like. pull me out of the rut i've been stuck in for like #almost a decade now #gonna have to wait on even thinking abt top surg tho bc i cannot see my family being super supportive of THAT and like #idk how to go about looking into how to do that like my insurance covered my breast reduction #bc i was still on my moms really good insurance and it was deemed medically necessary for my quality of life or whatever #and im SO GLAD i did it but u know what would be even better ?? never feeling the need to put on a bra ever again in my life #anyways. right now at this moment nothing has like materially changed but i think i can feel Something shifting #but that might just be me having a little bit of hope for the first time in a while lmaoo. bleak !!

[simonstamenovic]

memories of things tht arrent real so weird

#dream or smth? suicidal ideation mixed w knowledge from young young young age that #is not a possibility 4 me + mixed w anxiety idk not smth i remember being worried abt? but #prob not my anxiety if i had to wager. anyway. that and jst weird stuff and uhhhhhh idk nothing #clear at all person wise n #feel xtra weird bc not canon n not 1:1 smth we have experienced but uh but um. idk uh. idk haha. whatever #thing that would cry but cant? or wouldnt. who fucking knows void wants to hit me over the head and kill #bloodletting #<- not. well. whatver. catchall catchall dont ow e anyone knowledge whatever #vague vague hyay #not do ing so good................................................... #literlly not smth im sure i cld even. idk. whatever. can feel void wanting. the apathy.

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[buysomecheese]

Very very stressed, so clearly time to cope by listening to dndads character playlists and trying to decide how they’d cope

#I’m also sick-ish so. not vibing. #on my Link playlist rn but may go to Meryl Streep or Nark #idk yet #anyways fuck English class idk how Grant liked that shit #this is why I love projecting onto TJ- we know Almost Nothing except that he subs for theater class #as far as I’m aware he’s a medical professor at the local college and just subs for theater recreationally #he’s got a 100% pass rate for his students even if he’s not there all the time (med students) #because he has Banger free tutoring sessions #maybe he reached pre-med idk I’m not in college yet #he’s not at Med School just Teaches Medicine #but yea he’s such a blank canvas he’s just like me #went through a ‘I hate my parent(s)!’ phase and came out respecting them (but of course there’s still Tension because Duh) #is always second place/side character to best friend(s) (namely Nicky in this case) #gets along really well with said best friend and their bf (Nark) #likes Science And Theater (shut up I said so) #recovering therapist friend #I can do whatever I want with him and he doesn’t even care. he doesn’t even know. #I love him so much #I need to take a shower jeez

[kuiinncedes]

700 more words TT

#have written 1700 words today aknjfkjgfhj #i wonder if my strategy of just writing whatever tf i can think of down first (what i've been doing today) #and then going back and organizing/elaborating/deleting/etc after will come back to bite me tho #idk i had a solid like 1000 words i think where i wasn't struggling too much to write what i wanted to write #and then i was like lmfao shit now what #ugh anyway i'm tired but i wanna finish the 2400 words today so i can do all that otehr stuff to actually make it coherent tomorrow #it's due tomorrow afternoon ;-; and here i am putting words on tumblr dot com instead LOL #and then i have exam on friday ;-; but i like that class but it is rly hard and i havent fully comprehended everything yet #bc i havent done any practice/studying yet ;-; so gotta cram after turning this project in lmfao rip #ahhhhfhajfghlsdbjksdfgjlkadhgaidrhg screaming so close yet so far still lol #bro i was like very productive for like a couple hours maybe this afternoon and then after that i've been . not as productive TT #1700 words tho !!!!! 700 more i can do it probably TT #i could've chosen a final project option that wasn't writing some kinda essay but iiiiiiii didnt :'') #i actually like somehow completely forgot about the fact that i was obsessed w rina's htg album and one of the options was like a playlist #option and i feel like a lot of the songs could fit w themes we discussed in class this asian am lit class :P #esp bc minor feelings and we read (parts of) the book minor feeligns lol #but i forgot about that until someone mentioned the song in class as part of Their project 💀 #but oh well i mean i was thinking about the playlist project bc it #seemed like the easiest ngl LMAO but nothing was rly jumping out at me for songs #granted when i was thinking about it my mind blanked to just like taylor even tho i definitely haven't only been listening to taylor XD #ANYWAY WORDS 700 WORDS #sigh maybe that 12-3am grind will hit lmfao #jeanne talks #FINALS WE CAN DO IT GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YALL DOING FINALS SHIT ANDGJFHGDJKDJFK