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#if I just don’t spent money I could have my money goal saved by the end of summer I think
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I don’t know what I need to be happy but I do know I absolutely need to move into my own space and I need to spend a lot of time creating spaces for myself both outside in a home and online
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emma-needs-attention · 3 months
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I don’t shave every day. It’s not that I don’t “need” to; I have very dark, dense facial hair that grows quickly and remains pretty visible after shaving. When I do shave, I don’t try to cover it with makeup (beyond some powder to reduce redness). In most other ways I present very feminine, but I always have fairly obvious facial hair.
And it makes me feel terrible.
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I started electrolysis a couple months ago. It’s excruciatingly painful, expensive, and it takes forever. In an hour-long session, my electrologist is able to remove hair in only a small region (about 1 square inch). A few weeks later, much of that hair comes back. I am told that it will take two to three years of regular treatments to remove it entirely. On top of that, I apparently have a condition called Post Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation, which causes the skin in affected areas to darken after treatment. For nearly two months after completing a single pass over my upper lip, my mustache was more visible than it had ever been, despite having significantly less hair.
And it made me feel terrible.
I know this is the best way for me to permanently remove my facial hair, but I just canceled all of my upcoming sessions and at the moment I have no plans to begin again.
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If I could pay to have my facial hair instantly and completely removed I would empty my savings account. I am intensely aware of it any time I go out in public. If it makes me so uncomfortable, why do I not do more to hide it?
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I feel incredibly privileged for a trans woman. I have a loving, supportive family. I have a well-paying job. I live in a very accepting area. I have never had a single person say anything negative to me about my gender identity, which was certainly not what I was expecting when I came out. It is important to me that I be visibly queer, and in my privileged position I am able to do that without fear. A year ago I didn’t think I would ever transition; now I want people to know that I’m trans.
I am disappointed with myself for wanting to remove my facial hair, for changing my voice. I am determined not to have to do more work than a cis person does. Cis women don’t have to shave their face every day. Cis men don’t have to shave their face every day. Why should I? This is who I am, what my body does. Shouldn’t I be proud of that? Am I not supposed to love myself the way I am?
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But by that logic, why am I even transitioning in the first place?
I am doing more work than a cis person does. Cis people don’t transition, and transitioning takes effort. I know that there are cis people, both men and women, who do shave every day. Am I lying to myself? I’m a trans woman; aren’t I supposed to want to get rid of my facial hair? Shouldn’t I be trying harder? Doesn’t this give me dysphoria? Am I pretending not to have dysphoria so I don’t have to put in the effort? Does the fact that I’m not trying harder make me… I don’t know, less trans? Non-binary? Is it ok for me to call myself a trans woman? Am I lying to myself?
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As a woman who was a man until thirty, there are things about my body that I must accept, that I won’t be able to change no matter how much money I dump into my transition. I’m tall, I have broad shoulders, I have large hands. No amount of surgery or hormones will change these things.
But there are many things that I can change, and while none of them are requirements for being a woman, they may still be changes that I want to make. Where do I stop? Am I finished transitioning when I’ve done everything that is physically possible? My goal isn’t to “pass,” at least not in the way that word is generally used. In a time when cis women are being assaulted because people think they’re trans—because they don’t “pass” as women—the idea of what it means to pass becomes blurry. Often when we say that we want to pass, what we really mean is that we want to be conventionally beautiful.
I am a woman. Therefore, I look like a woman. My transition goal is to pass as myself. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I am so I can look like her. I don’t care whether people see me and think “that’s a woman.” I want to be able to look in the mirror and think “that’s me.” But it can be extremely difficult to separate your own image of yourself from society’s idea of what you should look like. Am I self-conscious about the size of my body because it doesn’t feel like me, or because I’ve been told that women should be smaller? There are tall cis women, there are broad-shouldered cis women, there are cis women with large hands. Those traits don’t make them less womanly.
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For the aspects of my body that I do have control over, I am stuck wondering whether I am changing things to become myself, or changing them because I have internalized that the way I am is wrong. At the moment, facial feminization surgery is something that I think I might like to do. But how do I know that I want to do it for the right reasons? I don’t hate my face, but when I catch a glimpse of myself from certain angles I can’t help but think that it isn’t feminine enough. What I should be asking is if it’s Emma enough, but how can I know that? How do I know who I’m supposed to be?
I feel like I was supposed to be a cis woman, but… why? Who am I to say that I wasn’t supposed to be trans? That I wasn’t supposed to transition at thirty, to have both a male puberty and a female one? Being trans has made me more self-aware, more open-minded, more empathetic. The totality of my experience is what makes me who I am. Maybe there’s a world in which I was assigned female, maybe there’s a world in which I was put on puberty blockers as a kid. But the girl in those worlds isn’t me.
Loving yourself and wanting to change are two feelings that can coexist. I tend to think of body positivity as simply accepting yourself as you are, but it is more nuanced than that. As a trans person, who I am inside is not the same as who I am outside. Which one am I supposed to love? I do love myself, but I also love who I could be. I’m transitioning so that someday they’ll be the same person.
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Over the past year I have become both my biggest supporter and my biggest critic. I constantly tell myself how pretty I am, how brave I am, how fucking cool I am (hey, nobody else is saying it and it’s true). This forced positivity has been fantastic for me. I can confidently say that I truly love myself for the first time in my life. But I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t love myself more.
I can’t help but stare at myself in the mirror all the time now. I actually bought a new mirror so I didn’t have to walk as far to do so. I’ve taken more selfies than I did in my entire pre-transition life. After many months on HRT, I finally see myself in my reflection. But my eyes refuse to focus on my stubble. Sometimes I catch myself thinking “I’m going be so beautiful once I get rid of this facial hair,” and it feels like a betrayal. Fuck you Emma, I’m already gorgeous.
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moonstruckme · 2 months
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Hey!! I’ve spent most of my day catching up on my reading goal for the year, on your blog. I love your writing!! I wanted to know if you could write something poly!marauders where the reader comes home from work early due to chronic pain (winter weather sucks sometimes), and the boys take care of them? Pls add your own spin however you see fit! Hope your day is going well! :)
And happy holidays!
Thanks so much lovely, you're too sweet <3
modern au
poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 1.2k words
“Breathe, angel,” James reminds you, eyeing you worriedly as he sinks into downward dog. “Deep breaths.” 
“I’m breathing,” you sigh, following him down. The movement, the stress it puts on your legs and back, aches, but you feel better than you had when you’d come home. 
You weren’t expecting James to be here (he typically likes to get out of the house on his days off, too energetic and cabin-fever-prone to stay in) but he hasn’t let you have even a moment of peace since you’d come in the door, unannounced and several hours from the end of your workday. He’d first tried to get you to go on a walk, but the frigid weather outside is what had doomed you in the first place so he’d settled for pulling up a short, low-intensity yoga video on his laptop. 
A small part of you resents him for it, just a little. The smarter part of you is grateful. 
“Just a bit longer,” James says, likely sensing your growing discontent. “After this we can get you a warm bath. Or a massage, if you like.” 
You hum a weary thanks. Either of those sound great, but a nap would be spectacular. You want to evanesce. Sink into a sleep beyond pain. 
The serene voice on James’ laptop guides you into a cat-cow pose, but you’re only starting your first cat when you hear the click of the door opening. You turn to James in confusion. He won’t quite look at you. 
You recognize the loud clunking sound of Sirius kicking off his shoes a moment before he comes into view. 
“Ooh, yoga.” He’s smiling, but there’s a watchful quality to his gaze as he drapes himself across the sofa. “Mind an audience?” 
You shoot James an accusatory look. “Why’d you call him?” 
“Excuse me,” Sirius says, reclaiming your attention. “Do you not want me here?” 
You give up on the yoga, sitting on your mat. “I don’t want you to have to leave work,” you say quietly. 
Sirius tsks, sliding off the couch and moving closer to you. “I couldn’t have been productive while I was worried about you anyways. Figured I’d save my boss the money.” His smile slips, a tiny pucker appearing between his brows. “You alright for a hug?” 
You answer by opening your arms, and he gathers you up. He doesn’t squeeze the way he normally might, hands careful on your back, but it’s still nice. 
“How bad is it?” he asks, turning his face to mush the words lovingly into the side of your head. 
“Not bad,” you murmur. 
“I’d say it’s pretty bad,” James contends gently, “if you had to come home from work.” 
You turn your head to look at him, offering a sheepish shrug. “The yoga helped some.” 
James’ smile is lopsided, eyes flickering with relief behind his glasses. Sirius isn’t so easily convinced, loosening his grip on you so he can see your face. Despite how used to it you should be, it’s still an effort not to shrink under that gaze. You’re not sure what he’s looking for, if he finds it or he doesn’t, but a few moments later Sirius’ hands slide up to your face. He kisses the skin next to your nose lightly. 
“Let me make you some tea, sweet girl,” he says, standing. “You’ve had pain meds already, yeah?” 
You hum that you have, and James says after him, “Not the chamomile, it’ll just make her sleepy.” 
You try not to sulk as Sirius calls back, “I’m not new here, Potter.” 
James is trying to get you back into the yoga when the door opens a second time. If you hadn’t gotten there by process of elimination, the soft, considerate footfalls would have let you know who it was. 
“Oh, hi,” Remus says when he finds you and James already waiting for him. Pity softens his expression as his eyes fall on you. “How are you, dove? Is the yoga helping?”
“It was,” James grouses, though his little smile lets you both know he’s only teasing. He extends his arms out in front of him, beckoning with his hands. “Come here, give us a hug. She got to go first last time.” 
Remus doesn’t put up any argument. James stands as he comes forward, weaving one arm over Remus’ shoulders and the other under. 
“I am ailing,” you point out. When Remus angles his head on James’ shoulder to give you a concerned look, you add softly, “Not terribly, though.” 
Remus chuckles, pushing a spindly hand slowly up and down James’ spine. The other cups the back of his boyfriend’s head, sinking into his plush nap of curls. “I think you’ve worried him down to the bone,” he observes. 
There’s a noncommittal hum, followed by a muffled smacking sound as James kisses Remus’ shoulder. 
“Have you considered that I’m just soaking up all the hug I can get?” 
“Nefarious,” Remus murmurs lovingly. 
“I leave the room for two seconds, and of course a lovefest commences.” Sirius strides in with a steaming cup of tea. “It should be outlawed. I feel swindled and scorned.” 
“You got to go first,” James argues, but Remus extricates himself from his hold anyway, folding a leg under himself to sit on the couch. 
“Irrelevant.” Sirius sets your tea down on the coffee tables, using his free hand to wave James off. “Do either of you want tea?” 
“No thank you,” Remus says while James shakes his head. “You didn’t give her chamomile, did you? Because that will only—”
“No,” you all say, you rather mopily. 
You scoot towards the table and reach for your tea. Sirius settles into the couch, leaning his back against Remus’ side. 
“Alright,” James relents, shutting his laptop, “we can call it quits on the yoga. We were basically at the end of the video anyway.” His big hand lands on your shoulder, squeezing gently. “Want one of us to get a bath ready for you, lovie?” 
A whole new ache starts up, right in the center of your chest. You set your tea back on the coffee table, too hot to drink, and lean your head on James’ shoulder. Your throat clogs slightly. So, so sweet to you. A bath does sound nice, but you’re not sure you can commit to it. That’s at least a half hour between you and sleep. 
“Thank you,” you say, making sure he hears the sincerity in the words, “but I think I just want to go to bed.” 
James’ sigh is so soft you think you’re not meant to hear it. “It’s a bit early for that yet,” he says, thumb swiping back and forth on your shoulder. “How about a massage?” 
“I’m tired,” you complain, and you try not to whine but a bit of it comes through anyway.  
“I know, love,” Remus says, leaning his elbows onto his knees so that his face is nearly level with yours, “but if you nap now you won’t be able to sleep tonight, and then you’ll be tired all over again tomorrow.” He reaches across the coffee table, the tips of his fingers brushing yours. “This is to help you, I promise.” 
You let your little sigh fan cool air over your tea, raising it again to your lips as you nod. 
“Go for the massage,” Sirius says. He raises his eyebrows at you, grinning like he’s letting you in on some sort of secret. “Trust me, babe. Jamie missed his calling with that one. Hands of an angel.”
You look over, and James is grinning so hugely you wonder if his ears pop. “Alright, fine.” He shrugs, feigning reluctance. “After I’m done with her, you can have next turn.”
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loviingpedri · 4 months
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one of his girls tonight - hector fort
prompt: he can’t get enough of you.
warnings: cursing, drinking, clubbing, suggestive content, grammar issues, not intense smut (viewer discretion is still advised)
please let me know if more since this is going to be a little explicit.
any italicized texts are lyrics
credits to owners for all images
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what else do young adults do in their free time? party, of course.
nothing like a hot saturday night in barcelona when the city was awake as people went out.
“y/n! my sexy girl, let’s go!” going out with your friends at least once a month was a must. meeting new people, kissing strangers, waking up next to someone random.
everything felt like a fever dream. especially that one boy you shared an unforgettable kiss with. last month, you were drunk out of your mind. you met this one guy, he had brown fluffy hair and touched you in the right places. your friends always said you were gonna go home with him and make him yours for the night. until, a random girl walked up to you and slapped you. either you just made out with someone’s boyfriend or someone was a complete control freak over him.
you hoped to see him tonight. some reassurance of what happened last month. and if he’s single, maybe you’ll keep him wrapped around your finger this time.
“alright! i’m ready!” you grabbed your small purse that barely fit anything in it and ran into the uber with the 10 other people in it. “a bit crowded?” you laughed as some people were sitting on each other’s laps.
“anything to save money and not have a designated driver tonight. today’s the day where all hell will break lose.” going out with a group of people was safer, calmer, and more fun.
lately, your life had been hitting every single positive goal in life. you spent your days with the people who brought out the best. little did you know, you would meet the person who would see you inside and out.
getting out the car was a hassle. thanking the driver and running to show your ids to the bouncer. already pre-gamed at your tiny apartment, it was finally time to let loose.
“it’s fucking hot in here.” one of your dearest friends spoke to you as you tried to mingle on the dance floor.
“i just finished my makeup 20 minutes ago and i can feel it melting already.” you fanned yourself to keep composed.
“y/n, that guy keeps staring at you.” looking behind your shoulder. you saw the one and only boy, the one with the best lips you’ve ever felt on yours.
“holy shit. that’s the guy with the crazy girl that slapped me.” you looked at your friend in disbelief. he must’ve went out to the clubs a lot if you continued to see him.
“go up to him. i don’t see her around. ask him what that whole fight was about. take a shot though, you’re gonna need it.” turning around, you could already see his eyes going up and down from behind you. meeting with your friends at the bar and downing shots after shots. finally feeling the alcohol in your system, a new boost of confidence was found.
walking up to him, you spotted different girls surrounding him. as you got closer, he sat up straight and tried to distance himself. sitting down next to him, he sat there frozen.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from a few weekends back?” for a guy who seemed popular around the ladies, he seemed pretty fucking nervous around you.
“yeah i am. sorry about that slap. i don’t know what happened. she’s not my girlfriend by the way. just someone random.” he spoke so fast, fidgeting with his hands. considering you already made out with him, there was no reason for him to be scared.
“you seem very popular. met anyone you like?” he wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. you listened closely to the song in the background as he tried to form an answer.
push me down, hold me down.
spit in my mouth while you turn me on. i wanna take your light inside.
“you. can’t ignore a pretty girl like you.” he began to play into your little game. slowly, you touched his shoulder and sat closer to him in a comfortable position.
“oh yeah? well, this ‘pretty girl’ has to know your name first.”
and i’m screamin’ out. give me tough love.
“my name is hector. yours?”
“i’m y/n. you have a little something on your neck.” spotting a red kiss-mark on his neck, obviously not from you, you smudged it off.
we don’t gotta be in love no. i don’t gotta be the one, no.
i just wanna be one of your girls tonight.
“wishing it was your lipstick?” he give a little grin, trying to rile you up. you looked at him, his way of words trying to get into your pants was working.
“i don’t need to wish.” within seconds, your lips happened to be on hector’s. your legs straddling him while he rubbed your thighs.
he knows how to get the best out of me.
his hands were grabbing your waist as you felt the material of his pants under you. he continued rubbing your thighs, but he slowly made it up to your ass. as you gasped for air, he decided it was a good time to slip in his tongue.
finally breaking the kiss, you hear him whimper for more even over the loud music. smiling at him, you made your way to his neck and jaw. you planted a few kisses here and there, then you could feel his hand start to go under your dress.
“not here, but i know a few places.” making eye contact, you already knew where this was going.
hector wanted to you to be his girl every night.
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author’s note: author gone wild. imagination got the best of me and i know this is not likely of my stories. let me know if i did good for these kind of storylines!
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defilerwyrm · 5 days
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Oh, Alcohol.
Barenaked Ladies saved me from a life (and possibly death) as an alcoholic.
Let me explain:
My first official, tax-paying job as as a mutuel teller at a horse track in the mid aughts. I worked for $8.15/hour most of the year and during live season (when races were taking place at my track) they bumped it up to $8.50. During live race nights, I could easily pull in $100 in tips in a night.
You would have thought that a nearly-homeless college dropout trapped in a relationship he didn’t yet fully realize was extremely abusive would have squirreled that away to make a better life for himself, but no. My coworkers (including The Ex From Hell) liked to go drinking at the restaurant/bar across the highway from the track after live race nights—twice a week—and I, being starved for company and having TEFH as my only ride home, went with them.
It was always a jolly old time. I drank so many mudslides & flying grasshoppers and ate so many mozzarella sticks you wouldn’t believe. My regular bartender and I (and that phrase should set off alarm bells in your head already) developed a new drink! It’s still one of my favorites. Here, let me share it with you:
AQUA VELVET 2 parts blue curaçao 2 parts Midori (melon liqueur) 1 part pineapple juice spritz of Sprite Shake with ice, strain, serve cold in a hurricane glass.
Fucking incredible drink.
But yeah. I drank pretty heavily every night we went out. Drank until I got loose and loopy and extremely homosexual. Drank until I didn’t care about the dysphoria I was trying to ignore and the mental illness & traumas I couldn’t afford to get help for. Until, for just a few hours, I was happy.
And then one night as “Closing Time” by Semisonic played on the speaker system and I received my solo bill, I really looked at it and realized I’d spent literally all of my tip money for that day’s work. I spent over $100 on alcohol in one sitting—in 2007 or 2008 money, on an $8.50/hour wage. Moreover, I’d drank over a hundred dollars worth of booze specifically for the goal of getting drunk and staying that way.
As a sidebar, one of the many things wrong with me is moderate/severe OCD. My most intrusive symptom is endomusia—music stuck in my head…every…waking…moment. As in, I can tell when I’ve woken up because that’s when the music starts. (In a fascinating twist, my father and brother both suffer this, too.) Any little thing that I see or hear or think about could set off a new song playing on repeat in my head.
And in that moment, looking at that staggering total on my receipt for the night, I heard Barenaked Ladies jamming their way through a syncopated bridge:
I thought that drinking just to get drunk was a waste of precious booze
Had it not been for that song, I would not have known that drinking to get drunk on a regular basis was a classic sign of alcoholism. But because I knew and loved that song, and because I had that moment of crystalline clarity at something like one in the morning, I realized that I had a fucking problem and I needed to stop.
I am immeasurably lucky that I came to this realization before my alcoholism developed into an actual dependency instead just of a deeply stupid bad habit I did for fun twice a week. I don’t take for granted that it could have been the end of me if not for that single moment. As much horrific shit as has happened to me in my life, holy fuck have I ever gotten some lucky breaks.
I don’t drink much nowadays, and haven’t for almost a decade. I don’t really like how it makes me feel most of the time. I just finished a top shelf margarita before writing this, in the safety of my own home, and it’s—I think the second alcoholic drink I’ve had this year.
So yeah. Music saves lives, y’all.
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I was reading your metas and came across the part where you said he wanted her to already be in love with him and wanted his money back and..what does that even entail for him? He wanted an obedient slave? Ok but he still wouldn't have trusted her. He still wouldn't have been happy.
This is the full text of what I said in that previous ask on the topic:
He’s been waiting for a sun summoner for an untold amount of time and has been building all his goals and desires around it. He keeps demanding her submission but that won’t get him her respect. He wants her to idolize him and to agree with everything he does. In her he wants a companion in immortality and a starry eyed acolyte. He spent all this time thinking the sun summoner was the key to all of his life’s woes, and then Alina shows up and WRECKS his shit. he feels ripped off!! He wants his money back!! But also desperately, desperately wants her to magically have always been the person he wanted her to be.
Worth noting that that is from a meta post where I’m explaining my characterization choices for a fic I wrote. But I do think that’s still accurate of (my interpretation) of his canon characterization anyway.
I can’t tell whether you mean “happy” as in actual happiness or in the sense of being satisfied. Though either way, you’re absolutely correct!
Regardless, these two things do tie in together to be honest. In the sense of happiness: he is a withered, miserable husk of a person. I don’t think at this point he’s really capable of being happy.
There is so much about his backstory we don’t know. But it is explicit that he didn’t start out an unfeeling monster. Demon in the Wood does go out of its way to establish that. But it also establishes his ruthlessness from a very young age and ability to do difficult things to save himself. But he’s so goal oriented and those goals are usually at the cost of any immediate, real happiness. Throughout his life, he’s kept making sacrifices, of himself and others, in the name of his larger goals, but the growing cost in his wake means that the things he’s striving towards get loftier and loftier in order to be worth it. It’s pure sunk cost fallacy.
Meanwhile, age is itself corruption for him. As he accumulates wealth, luxury, and power, and in turn loses touch with humanity and becomes increasingly jaded, his concerns become more self-centered and power driven rather than based in genuine moral ideals.
Outliving everyone he’s ever known multiple times over solidifies his growing selfishness, because what is a few hundred, or thousand lives to him, when they will all be dead within a heartbeat anyway? He might be trying to “save Ravka” from a nationalist standpoint, but the people that make up the country itself are fully disposable. Like we see by Shadow and Bone, his take on Grisha liberation is literally just fascism.
So at the tail end of at least five hundred, to possibly one thousand years, we have a corrupt despot, sitting on an endless pile of corpses, and lifetimes of genuine personal misery, who still believes himself to be the ultimate martyr, and that there is going to be— there must be— some sort of return on his enormously outsized and dearly purchased investments.
And he expects that return to be Alina.
Tangentially, something that really annoys me about this series is that, for all its focus on weighing legend and fable with reality, and trying to find the truth in stories that have been twisted by time and repetition, is that we get absolutely zero sun summoner lore, despite the strong implication that it does exist. The show makes some paltry attempt at giving us something about it being almost a prophecy? That there is some sort of, explicitly religious, story that a sun summoner will come and save Ravka or some such thing. The books don’t have even that.
We know that there is concept of sun summoners as something that could potentially happen, because they have a name for Alina’s ability the moment she’s discovered— even though there’s no indication that there’s ever been anyone else who shared the same power. But we never hear how, what exactly the expectations are, or for how long that’s been known.
What also know that the Darkling is waiting for one. And from how he speaks to her, he seems to view her as almost a cosmic reward and salve for his suffering. I do not think he’s exaggerating when he talks about how she was “meant” to be his/his balance or how she was “meant” for the amplifiers that he intends to bolster his destiny to rule. I think he fully believes in some sort of fate or grand destiny for the both of them, or rather for himself, and she is just a branch of that.
This is reaching pure conjecture, but there is the implication that shadow summoning only exists because of Ilya Morozova’s dabbling with merzost. And it itself highly seems to predate any iteration of a sun summoner ever existing, so the theory that one might ever come to be is literally because someone needs to offset the Darkling. (The series is generally very “what about Baghra? idk don’t worry about it” in terms of… a lot of things when it comes to how unique Alina and the Darkling are lmaoo and I guess that applies here.) And there’s the one kind of throw away line of his in the first book about how Etherealki typically work in pairs, but *meaningful look* Alina doesn’t have one, that I feel further hints at this idea of them being a matching set. The worldbuilding itself is murky and hard to parse in its contradictions, but I think it’s safe to say that he personally views her as something created for him.
He is putting all of his misery, and insane desires and dreams accumulated over many centuries, at her feet and expecting her to be the fulfillment of it all. There’s no way she can actually satisfy that! It is a fully, completely unattainable standard. It will never be enough. “What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men” etc, etc.
I already said this in that fic meta, but it’s relevant again here: I do think that, genuinely, there’s no degree of submission Alina could ever offer that would be enough. Partially because his irrational desire for her preexisting unconditional love, where he wants an impossible scenario where she simply never went against him or hated him for anything he did, can never be met after their initial falling out, but also because his expectations are fully unattainable. It isn’t a void that any real, living person can fill.
So you’re fully correct, even if she was completely obedient, and star struck, and ready to listen to him in all things, even as he lies to her. Even if she were willing to believe he was completely justified and in the right for his plans of like cartoonish and genocidal world domination, he would not be happy with her! She would always fall short.
All of this is to say that what I find most compelling about the Grisha trilogy is its stylized-through-fantasy premise of a vulnerable protagonist whose identity is threatened to be entirely subsumed by the exacting desires of a cruel man. I think for all of its clumsy and more juvenile trappings— and how it doesn’t fully even engage with this theme that is integral to it, yet mostly exists in the margins— it’s a fairly interesting and complicated space to play with themes of abuse and grooming. And that’s usually the main lens I’m engaging with it through.
I hope that clarifies my point!
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Hey I’m back with my ideas. :)
(I’m the burnt out request) 💪
(English is not my first language so I’m sorry for grammar errors)
First off, I’m so happy you took time to read and write my request!! It was just so *🤌🤌.* perfect.
How are you today?? I hope you’re doing well. it’s finally October!
Anyways-I’m back because my brain is going places fr.
You don’t have to respond to this at all if you don’t want to I’m just here to dump it all. Because why not?
Okay so, Bakugou is in like his late 20’s or whatever idk I never had like a solid age set in my mind. So, mans is probably like the number 2 hero and my guy is successful. point is-he has been thru it.
Enter reader right
The reader is in class 1A and they had just won the UA sports festival and managed to get 1st place. I imagine reader being like a mini-bakugou at times and they make a-lot of jokes as ice breakers. Like it can be out of no where too.
Ofc after the UA festival the students get internships offers and shit and they get an internship from The DYNAMIGHT like wtf so obviously they accept it.
They start to get close (although it’s not easy) slowly they start getting more comfortable with eachother.
(Reader will tell the worst dad jokes sometimes and They can swear that one time bakugou cracked a smile they swear are not delusional-)
who knows maybe Bakugou starts seeing them as a little sibling or someone he cares about. And one day when they are both out for patrol there’s a nomu attack aimed at bakugou. And reader gets really injured from pushing him out of the way when the nomu tried to attack him (totally not trying to protect Bakugou)but it results in reader getting heavily injured and bakugou finding them bleeding.
I crave angst.
What do you think his reaction would be?
Honestly this has been in my head ever since I heard this random song on the radio. Ever since that, girlie got to imaging similar scenarios.
Enjoy reading my mess thank u for coming to my red talk
The 🤌 anon
Oh, he sees himself in you, but a version of himself not so jaded. One who hasn't died and been brought back, one who was able to just help people, which is your goal, deep down. Not like fucking Uravity, who's only in it for the money or goddamn Ingenium, who has familial issues so big he must become them to live up to them.
No, he sees what he thought he could be, who he looked up to. He sees the potential to be a good, virtuous hero. And he knows what happens to kids like that.
Deku, rest his soul, was just like you years ago. Bright eyed and filled with a purpose. Villains latch onto that. He lets villains latch onto himself for it. He can handle it. He will handle it.
But you, you can't.
Your quirk is good, he'll give you that. It's pure firepower. Flashy too, easy to make a brand off of. But it'll draw bad attentions, one your good heart wouldn't be able to handle.
He's spent the past week with you. He knows who you're all about. Funny and a bit angry at the world, but with a drive and a desire to fix it. Trust him, Bakugou knows all about the world needing fixing. He's spent the past decade trying to do it to atone. But you are good. Not deep down or hidden, but truly, wholly good.
And he'll be damned before someone else can taint that. Because all he can think about is you dead on the pavement or your body eroding and leaving nothing behind, like the only other hero better than he was. He sees your potential and he sees himself in you, but he also sees the one person he wasn't able to save and dammit, he won't let what happened to Deku happen to you. Even if Shigaraki and all For One and the rest of the damned league is dead.
You live. and people will take advantage of that.
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wintersoldierbmb · 10 months
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thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.
im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.
on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.
i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.
i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly
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clowncollectr · 1 year
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Arknights - Won't you look at me? (Liang Xun / Lee) - Chapter 1
Rating: G (this chapter), E / M (whole story)
Word Count: 2021 (this chapter), 11117 (whole story)
Summary: The person he’s spent his entire life looking at has finally noticed him and returned his feelings. A lifelong dream come true. Lee should have already been satisfied with just this. There was no need to monopolize his attention. But he still wanted it.
Notes: This has an established relationship setting. Compared to my last work, it falls more on the comedy side I think. My initial goal was to try to right something that would get me a rating above G on AO3 LOL Don't worry though. The part that actually earns this an Explicit rating is Chapter 4 and you can just skip it since it's just smut at the end. The story itself is very tame! Finally, I made a few memes about this story if you wanna check those out and see which ones start to make sense as you read this :)
AO3 Link
Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Extra
Chapter 1 Lee’s tail lightly patted the chair he was sitting in over and over. It was as if his tail was irritated for him. He quietly sipped his tea to keep himself calm. Not annoyed at all. He glanced over at the man across the room, who was currently discussing something that looked important with a coworker. The man pointed at something on a piece of paper he was holding, and his coworker leaned over to take a closer look. Just then, the young lady’s eyes brightened and she smiled, taking the paper back into her hands. She bowed politely to the man before walking away. Lee’s eyes narrowed a little.
Even now, you’re still the type of person everyone can depend on. It’s no surprise that you’re so popular.
Ever since he and Liang Xun had started dating, it was Liang Xun who took the initiative to travel to Lungmen and visit Lee often. He had argued with Liang Xun about it at first, upset at the realization that he was putting his political career in jeopardy just to visit him. This person was too important to be fooling around like this. Lee had waited decades for him. Even if it wasn’t what he preferred, he could wait several more months or even years to see him again. 
“Don’t you dare throw your dream away just for this”, he had told Liang Xun, outraged. 
But it was a mistake for him to underestimate this person. For each of Liang Xun’s visits to Lungmen, he always found a work-related reason for his travels. Remarkably, he has never wasted his time during any of his visits, and it even began to affect his reputation favorably. The ever diligent magistrate Liang Xun, who takes time to improve diplomatic and economic ties with other cities on top of his already extensive duties. The quality of his work did not decline at all with the added responsibilities. What an admirable leader.
I forgot how terrifying he can be when he puts his mind to something, Lee thought, shuddering a little. Maybe he, Huai, and Liang Xun had become friends simply because they were all different flavors of crazy.
Regardless, that was how it is. Against all odds, Liang Xun had found a way to consistently meet with him despite them living in entirely different cities with entirely different professions. The crazy bastard. But it left Lee feeling a bit guilty. Between the two of them, he was the one with more freedom to travel. He owned his own business after all. He can come and go as he pleases. So why is it that the high ranking government official was the one knocking on his door every few months? Eventually, everyone at the agency had gotten tired of having to open the door for him, so Lee just gave him his own key to the house. It’s because of this that Lee finally decided to take a vacation and visit Shangshu again. Waai Fu, Aak, and Hung are all grown up now. They can handle things while he’s away, and he’s saved up enough money that taking a laid-back trip like this wasn’t much of a problem. He thought he’d surprise Liang Xun and come visit for a week or two.
This was a mistake.
He should have given him a head’s up. Because when Lee arrived at Shangshu, he quickly learned that he had arrived at the worst time possible. Of course it would be when he decides to take a break from being a detective that he’s punished for not doing his research. Just his luck. Apparently, this season is an extremely busy time for Shangshu and its local government. It was around this time that the government revisited many policies related to tourism and commerce. It was a big enough event that a public conference was held where any citizen could attend to learn about what the government wanted to change. It also gave citizens the opportunity to hear from and ask any questions they might have to the government officials directly. Naturally this meant that Liang Xun, the city’s magistrate, would be in attendance as well. And unsurprisingly, he was immensely busy with preparations for the event at this time. 
When Lee finally got ahold of him, all Liang Xun could do was apologize and offer him anything he could possibly want, including the nicest room at the magistrate’s residence with all of his expenses paid for during his trip. But Lee didn’t come to this city for a luxury trip. He came here to spend time with his lover. It wasn’t long before he found himself wandering around the bustling city, feeling bored and somewhat lonely. Eventually, he got sick of his aimless walks. His current situation made him feel like he was an old man in a retirement home. Finally, he thought:
Well, I came here to see Liang Xun. Why not see what he’s up to?
After all, the place where he was currently working was open to the public. So that’s how Lee found himself in his current situation. Watching Liang Xun from afar, somehow feeling more miserable than before. It really was his own personal hell, being forced to watch the man from a distance, knowing that he would only be interrupting if he approached him. It was like some cruel joke. Everyone is allowed to approach Mr. Liang except for his partner, the one who loves him the most. So irritating.
The worst part was that he’s now suddenly being forced to witness the extent of Liang Xun’s popularity. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that his coworkers were quite fond of him. Based on the expression on some people’s faces, it seemed like having to go to him for help was more like a reward than an inconvenience. And Lee, perceptive at reading people as he was, could easily identify which people looked at Liang Xun in more ways than a coworker should. It didn’t take him long to figure out which people had some affection for the man. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. This person has a successful career, a good personality, wealth, and of course, he was fairly attractive. They had decided to keep their relationship discreet since they were both well known in their respective cities. As far as the public knows, the alluring magistrate Liang Xun is still very single. Lee clenched his teeth and rubbed his palm across his face. 
What a stupid thing to get upset over , Lee thought to himself, feeling more than a little foolish.
Anyway, it didn’t matter. In the end, Liang Xun had chosen him. The way these other people feel wouldn’t change that. Still, Lee didn’t like being left out. He had to admit, ever since Liang Xun started visiting him more often, he had subconsciously gotten used to monopolizing the other man’s attention. He was like a child who had become spoiled after finally getting what he wanted after a long time. But now he was more like a burdenbeast trudging along sadly with a carrot dangling in front of him. Look but don’t touch.
As he was thinking this, he watched another person approach Liang Xun. This time it was a casually dressed man with a lanyard and badge hanging from his neck. Compared to the other people here, he wasn’t dressed in any sort of uniform and his mannerisms were more relaxed. He carried a pen and paper with him and had begun taking notes the moment Liang Xun spoke back to him, nodding in acknowledgement. Probably a journalist.
Lee watched the two talk to each other with a lazy curiosity, half staring in a daze as he wondered what they were talking about. Suddenly, the journalist laughed and lightly slapped Liang Xun on the shoulder a couple times. The Kuranta looked a little surprised by the sudden physical contact but retained his professional and courteous demeanor. Lee on the other hand, was incredulous, not quite believing what he had just witnessed.
This person is several ranks above you! Why would you treat him like your best friend, especially while you’re conducting an interview like this?!
He seriously couldn’t believe it. Lee has conducted several interviews because of his line of work. He understood the importance of keeping the atmosphere casual and informal so as to not make the other person nervous. But really, this was just unprofessional. This would be like if he and Wei Yenwu were out in public, joking together with his hand on the other’s shoulder as he laughed. Lee scowled. What an absurd mental image. He got up from his chair. He’d seen enough. This whole situation was bad for his heart. And admittedly, he was also disappointed with himself for being so immature. This kind of thing wasn’t a problem for him in the past. Why is it such a touchy subject for him now?
Without even saying goodbye to Liang Xun, he excused himself.
In the end, he was right back to what he was doing before. Wandering around Shangshu’s city districts. After his last trip to this place, he’s had his fill of sightseeing the Seventeen Peaks this place is so famous for. Although the city’s attractions didn’t interest him too much either. He’s only been here for a couple days, but it already feels like he’s visited everything that might have been of interest to him. In the first place, he was not a very materialistic person so most of the shops were like backdrops to him. Just part of the scenery. He had to admit the food was good. He’d killed a bit of time going to some restaurants here and there and trying menu items that he typically wouldn’t find in Lungmen. But activities like eating a meal or drinking tea…well, these kinds of things were always more enjoyable when you had company. He thought about doing some investigative work. Maybe look for more leads on Huai’s whereabouts, but it felt like it would be defeating the point of a vacation. He’d been working pretty diligently for the past month or so, having promised himself that he would take a well-deserved break once he found the chance.
Without realizing it, Lee found himself staring into the display window of a shop he’s already passed several times before. He wasn’t particularly interested in anything, absentmindedly gazing at the items on display. Again, shopping wasn’t really his thing. His eyes fell upon a pair of golden spectacles on display not too different from the one he was currently wearing. The main difference being that this one had a more ornate design.
Hmph. What a waste of LMD. Why bother with fancy stuff like this when you can get something that’s both cheaper and more durable. This kind of thing, it’s only good for getting other people’s attention.
. . .
He had an idea. A very embarrassing one, sure. But he was bored and on vacation. Wasn’t this a time when he was supposed to be doing whatever he wanted?
Lee looked back at his own reflection through the glass display. He thinks the way he dresses is just fine, even if his kids like to tell him that he dresses like an old man. His attire was comfortable, easy to move around in, and not so eye-catching that it got him into trouble. It was the perfect outfit for a detective to wear. But right now, he wasn’t playing the part of a detective. He was a lovestruck fool that thought it would be a good idea to surprise his lover with a sudden visit, and he hasn’t been very successful on that front. So maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. He was bored out of his mind anyway. It was impossible to ask for the other person’s attention at this time. But if he would look his way, even if only for a little bit, even if just to acknowledge him, then…then…
Lee decided that he had nothing to lose and entered the store.
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kalxli · 1 year
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TW - Blood and Abuse
To start off, I’ve been diagnosed with depression for almost 4 years now. With all the abuse I went through as a child, it was always hard to find positivity in my life. My friends were a big help, but I just felt down all the time. Living with my parents kept me in a constant negative cycle with them and myself.
My parents were never there for me. They like to say they tried their best, but it feels like they didn’t even try. My dad would aggravate my PTSD and never respected my boundaries when I let him know what was bothering me. My mom would constantly say things that would make me feel like shit.
In the last week of August, I attempted and got sent to a psych ward. It was the first time I had ever been sent to one. I hated it. I spent time in a small unit and slept in a room with 5 other people. I barely had any therapy and the only thing that kept me going were the amazing people I had met there. I finally felt understood and validated in a way that I have never felt before. They gave me the validation and support that my parents could never give me.
About a week after, I ran away from home because my parents weighed me down so much I attempted again. I ran away before the ambulance came. My aunt let me stay at her house. I got in an Uber covered in blood because of my self-inflicted wounds. I was sobbing all the way there and I’ll bet my Uber driver thought I was crazy. (I probably am though.)
I don’t know what it is about my family, but their expectations and the way they want me to bounce back was overwhelming. I was told that it was okay to not have a job because of my anxiety and I can work on myself, but my aunt texted my mom that I had to get a job. She said living for free wasn’t acceptable in most households. It made me feel like shit. How am I supposed to bounce back so quick after I had attempted two times?
After that incident, I decided to run away from all of my family all together. I bought a ticket to Georgia where my boyfriend (soon to be fiancé. We made plans.) was temporarily staying. I took a cheap and shitty plane ride there without telling any of my family members. It felt amazing to finally be out of that situation.
Though, I really miss my friends and most of all, my dog! We don’t plan on staying in Georgia for long. We are here to save money for an apartment back in California. So, as soon as we get there, I’m taking my dog and the rest of my stuff!
This was a really long post, but it felt good to write. I’ll probably be writing more journals like this. No one is probably going to read all of this, but if you made it this far… thank you! :) my goal with this is to be able to comfort people and let them know that they are not alone. I know that I felt so alone going through all of my traumas and I wish someone would at least understand me. This is my way of trying to help anyone who is struggling with their own mental health or is maybe in a crisis.
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nebulousneuroticism · 2 years
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Oops today’s post accidentally turned into a long essay about how I feel stuck in life (spoiler: it’s the same as always).
I was able to haul myself out of bed today, somehow.  I attended my meeting, and then stayed awake for a while because people needed my attention.  Things quieted down around lunchtime, so I snuck off for a nap.  It was a nice nap, with vivid dreams that I can’t quite remember anymore.
I didn’t leave the apartment today.  After work, I made myself a turkey sandwich for dinner, and then spent the night with my usual unproductive pastimes.  Around midnight, I made myself a baked potato.  Healthy, I guess?  Healthier than my usual diet, at least.
It’s late again, and I’m sure I’ll regret it.  I have this general sense of unease about work, lately.  There hasn’t been enough work to do for quite some time, and it’s almost time for performance reviews... writing my self-eval is going to be awful.  I just hope my boss can figure out how to justify the fact that our team has nothing to show for itself.  I have to depend on him, because there’s not much I can do.
Well, I suppose I could have depended on myself by being a responsible employee and seeking out important things to work on over the last few months.  But I haven’t done so.  At some point, during the pandemic, I just... stopped caring about work.  My mind checked out.  I remember the first year or so of working from home was awful, because I was frustrated that I couldn’t be productive--I missed the office, having a quiet place and an environment made for getting my job done.  But then, instead of adapting to the new work style, my values shifted instead: I just started caring less and less about my job.
It’s strange, really, because I’ve always been a very conscientious person.  It feels weird to say I just don’t care about my job.  Especially since, by all accounts, it’s a very good job.  It’s out of character for me.
I guess I feel adrift.  I always used to have a firm goal, a guiding star: money.  Study, get good grades, get a well-paying job, save money.  And I still love money, of course.  But I feel like the path forward is less clear, now.  My job has stopped being interesting, and the politicking necessary to advance up the ranks is repugnant to me.  But leaving would, without a doubt, be a bad financial decision.  So I feel stuck.  I’m not motivated to move upward, but I don’t want to lose the ground I’ve gained.
I don’t know what the conclusion is.  I rambled a lot here, but this isn’t anything new; I’ve been writing the same old thing for more than a year.  How will I break free of this dilemma?
Well, I didn’t mean to write that much.  I feel clear-minded tonight, so I suppose it’s an auspicious time to think about these things.
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brooklynislandgirl · 2 years
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What do you find romantically appealing about Spider-Man?
Anon-aholics || Accepting {{tagging @wxr-zxne for reference, tagging @tangleweave for relevance}}
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Beth is used to interviews derailing at a certain point, it's all old hat. She knew that unless the Bulletin had sent Karen Page to her home to talk about the new animal shelter she was opening up, that sooner or later talk would boil down to glorified gossip. At least the question was mild by journalistic standards, though the interviewer, whose name she already forgot, was neither as poised, as pretty, or as well-spoken as Karen. She makes a mental note to make lunch plans with her soon.
But as she ruminates over the question, Beth can't help the start of a smile. Just thinking about him lifts the sourness in the back of her throat over the question, and she realises it's likely not as titillating as the reporter wants. How do you explain why you love someone when the truth is there’s nothing you don’t, and none of it’s based around his physical presence?
"Off the record? People often say 'oh, there's just something about' and here you can fill in anyone's name, proverbially. Most of the time it's the chemical release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin that produces feelings of desire as related to mating instincts, and of course they don't usually recognise it as such. With Spiderman, I suppose it's true, though. There just....is....something about him.
“If you spent any time getting to know him, you’d understand that he has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He worries about hurting other people, including those who would kill someone without a thought. That comes from a place of deep respect for the fundamental right of Life and community. As someone of Pacific Island decent, and a nurse-practitioner, that’s very important to me. “And still, he’s got an amazing sense of humour. I know very few people who could keep up with him, the way a quip can just roll off his tongue but he’s never mean about it. The words he chooses, the kinds of private conversation we tend to have, he lets me see this city and maybe even the world in a different light. To see what is truly good there, what is worth saving, because he sees it that way. That capacity for love is truly humbling. “Even when we might disagree with one another, he never makes it personal and he’s always someone I can listen to, hear out, and I look forward to that. His opinions matter. And sometimes, I just...whenever he’s talking, it makes me smile, even for no reason. When he talks about dreams and hopes, I want him to succeed, and I think he wants the same thing for me. He always knows the right way to encourage me. Our ideals are often well-matched.”
She pauses to take a sip of her coffee. “Still off the record, of course, I’m sure you’re asking for the racier stuff, so I can tell you...it isn’t a sexual attraction but I want to be physically close to him all the time. I like sitting next to him. I like holding his hand while we’re discussing radical politics or what he’s been up to. I like the way his throat bobs when he laughs and it’s the best laugh, or how he sometimes sounds uncertain when he’s doing so. He gets this little nasal tone too. But I suppose you’re not asking about that. Uhm. Oh. His hair, it’s so soft. And a little floppy. It’s entirely possible too that I have a thing for strong jaws and long necks. And believe me when I say from where I’m standing? Everything’s long.” She smiles now and one that is as predatory as it is full. “So that’s what you’re getting. And I did say it’s off the record so if I see a single word of it printed on paper or posted online, I will make it my life’s goal to sue you into non-existence. I have the money, the connections, and my retainer is with Pearson Specter Litt, and Harvey Specter is for all intents and purposes, my god-father. So...Bet.”
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walkwithb · 2 years
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So it’s been a while, but here I am. 
I am currently sitting on the floor in my apartment that is now an airbnb. 
I came here today to clean it up for the next guest. 
Don’t ask me how I feel about it, I do not know. 
I am just trying to be a good steward over this thing that God called me into. 
I am not scared anymore, I was - but I am not. 
Even now, for ths first time in years my account overdrafted. 
Yeah, I have some money in my savings that I could have easily leaned into. 
But that is my savings, I am no longer double dipping. 
My end goal for this year is $5,000
I can do it. I will do it. 
I have spent alot of money this year.
Nothing has been reckless, but still lots of money. 
I have to do better you know. 
I don’t think I have enough money for gas. 
And I am hungry and wishing I could just grab something
I remember this exact moment in Thailand a few years ago
I had nothing
And God just kept telling me I had to better with money 
Here I am a few years later, in the same exact boat 
Hoping that God will miraculously put $20 in my path and make a way for me grab something to eat
I wish that was my reality
I wish 
But I am going to try to get home on th gas that I have 
And hopefull there is food when I get home 
This is IT. 
This is the LAST time while I have breath in my body that this will ever happen to me. 
This is the LAST time. 
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innaeight · 11 days
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Hesitation is Death
   Everyone is always so excited for New Years. The new year is a chance to focus on becoming the “best version of yourself” or focus on yourself and new chances to build new habits in replacement of the old ones you had. All those ideas honestly sound stupid at least in my own opinion. I spent my 2024 New Years at church and my church is a pretty small church compared to others in Texas, but this one night was packed like to the brim with people I have never seen before dancing sprightly and praying with hope towards the new year. While I was just standing there during prayers with my eyes closed pretending that I was praying. God forgive me, but I do that regularly to just examine my thoughts and feelings at that time. I was looking back on everything I had done that led me to where I am now. And I was just lost.
     I feel like I have always been on my own, but I never felt more spaced out from reality than I did in that moment before the new year. I understand that my life isn’t even relatively bad compared to other people. Both my parents are married and they care alot about me plus I have friends who care about me, but I just couldn’t help harboring that feeling of detachment and separation from everything. I just didn’t feel content with the life I was living. I wanted more for myself. I decided then and there that I don’t want to have any goals for 2024 because society reinforces this idea that if you don’t achieve this, You are just a loser and you need to work harder to achieve that platformed goal.
      After that thought generated in my head, I just started building an immense amount of resentment towards everybody in my church around me even though they had something and nothing to do with the social construct. I even started to resent myself for falling under this guise that my whole worth as a human being is determined by what cool clothes I wear, who I am friends with, how much money do I have currently, whether or not I have a lot of followers and likes on Instagram, I just started running all these different reasons as to why I am not at fault for feeling in this separated state when at the end of the day I am wholeheartedly at fault for even allowing all these external irrelevant conditions to affect the way I see myself and the other people around that I genuinely care for. 
      Before prayers concluded, I kept telling myself that you have to acknowledge you can only save yourself from becoming that version of yourself you absolutely despise.  My life is my choice, but at one point in time my worth to myself was completely based upon things that people value. I didn’t even know if what I valued was really even my innate self actually wanting to be present. I wasn’t even on any type of suicidal mindset, but I was just contemplating how far in life will I be able to go and will I be able to even get that far? 
      After church prayers concluded, I was just still like the calm storm after a whole catastrophic storm of thoughts. I got up from my seat to use the restroom and the minute I got to the doorway of the congregation from the restroom, My seat was taken by an eager young adult who wanted to sit and enjoy the service. I couldn’t even be upset with him because he was just trying to get closer to God while I was just contemplating in my head. Instead of getting upset or just waiting to do the same to someone uninvolved. I told my mom who was insisting on me finding another seat that I was fine and could just wait by the door leading into the congregation.   
      In the moment I was kind of feeling a certain way, but I had to just let it go because that action wasn’t worth putting in some type of resentment towards someone who maybe didn’t even know that was someone’s seat. The whole interaction was completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, but as the vibrant and colorful music accompanied by the relentless and mercy warranting prayers came to a soft silent conclusion for the night to celebrate God beginning us in a new year, I ended up leaving the blank pale white wall towards the congregation to a bright vision for self introspection and affirmation with a clear understanding perspectives are what is important in regards to everything involved in the world. In that moment, I decided that humanity in general is just flawed and hypocritical, like we are all just products for an imaginary audience and if you don’t appeal to this audience by conforming to their ways then you are just a lost cause. I told myself that I didn’t want to be in a rat race with all these people in regards to being better than one another. I just want to be better than the person I was yesterday. 
      Even the smallest changes in life can bring huge amounts of character development. I will continue to believe in this idea in order to actually get a better understanding of myself as a human being in order to help the others around me who may need that support, but to also better myself everyday in regards to yesterday.
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whereareroo · 2 months
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IOWA RECAP

WF THOUGHTS (1/18/24).
Several people have asked for my take on the recently concluded Republican Iowa Caucus. Trump won. Of course, there’s more to the story. Let me give you a few things to think about.
Before I begin, let’s review some basic information. After any caucus or primary, there are two good sources of information. One, of course, is the actual vote tally. The other source is the data from the “voter surveys” that are conducted as the voters enter or leave the polling place. These surveys are conducted by professional survey organizations. They ask the voters dozens of questions about their decision making process and their overall thoughts about issues related to the election. The idea is to probe beneath the vote tally to get a deeper understanding of what voters are thinking about and how they selected a particular candidate. If your goal is to really understand what’s happening during the primary process, the voter surveys are just as important than the vote tally.
I have dozens of thoughts about how to analyze the results in Iowa. Because I care about your sanity, I’ll only share a few.
A. WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TOTALLY COMMITTED TO TRUMP?
Half of America is constantly stumped by the above question. Who could possibly support Trump? The voter surveys in Iowa shed light on this issue.
A full 33% of the Republican voters said that they’re seeking a complete overhaul of the American government. They want to overthrow the existing system. They want to burn the government down. These people view government as a destructive force in America. They believe that the government has never helped them in any way. Indeed, they believe that the government is a barrier to their success. They like Trump because they believe that Trump will rip the government apart. If that requires an authoritarian approach, that’s OK with these voters.
In Iowa, 68% of the Republican voters identified as “Evangelical Christian.” Slightly more than half of those folks, 55% of them, voted for Trump. That’s a huge segment (37%) of the Republican voters.
Who are these Evangelical Christians? I respectfully submit that the label is extremely misleading. These folks don’t support Trump because of his religious beliefs. We all know that he doesn’t have any religious beliefs. These folks don’t support Trump because of his strong moral character. We all know that Trump’s morality is highly questionable. What ties these Evangelicals, who are almost exclusively White, to Trump? They’re looking for a Messiah. The Messiah concept is familiar to them. They want a Messiah who will save them from big government. They want a Messiah who will save them from the steadily increasing power of diverse minority groups. They want a Savior who will rule with an iron fist and preserve the power of White Christians. If the Messiah is an authoritarian, that’s OK with these “Evangelicals.” They’re comfortable with a supreme ruler who is all powerful.
Trump has successfully marketed himself to the insurrectionists and the White Evangelicals. For different reasons, both groups see Trump as their hero. It’s a powerful coalition. Combined, these voters represent at least 35% of Republican voters. They’re Trump’s most loyal supporters. Even though Trump gets support from other Republicans too, the power of the core 35% probably makes Trump unbeatable in the quest for the Republican nomination. In Iowa, he won by a mile.
B. HOW POWERFUL IS TRUMP?
Let’s take a look at the campaign spending in Iowa. If you follow the money, you’ll be astonished at the power of Trump.
DeSantis and Haley fought hard to win in Iowa. They failed. Combined, the two received 44,500 votes. Combined, the two spent $70,000,000 in Iowa. That means that for every vote against Trump they spent $1,573. That’s a staggering amount. They lost anyway.
Trump won with 56,000 votes. He only spent $11,000,000. That’s only $196 per vote. That shows the power of Trump. His core voters are so loyal that he wins without working hard and without spending much money.
C. DESPITE THE ABOVE, TRUMP HAS SOME PROBLEMS
The data from Iowa highlights some problems that Trump will face in the general election:
1. Turnout was low. In 2016, the last Iowa Caucus, the Republican voters were excited and engaged. That year, 30% of them voted at the Caucus. This time, only 15% voted. Weather was a factor, but the weather doesn’t fully explain why 85% of Iowa Republicans stayed home. Is this a sign that many Republican voters will stay home for the general election? Have some Republican voters grown tired of Trump or abandoned him? If the number of Republican voters drops by only 10% in the general election, Trump is in big trouble. He should be worried about the fact that 85% of Republicans stayed home in Iowa.
2. Only Republicans voted in Iowa, and Trump only received 51% of the vote. Given Trump’s prior history in Iowa, that’s a very low number. In the 2016 election, Trump won big in Iowa and he received almost 100% of the Republican vote. He won big again in 2020, also winning almost 100% of the Republican vote. The drop to 51% is significant. On the campaign trail in Iowa, Trump predicted that he might get 60% or 65% of the Caucus vote. Iowa is Trump Country. It’s a sign of Trump’s weakness that 50% of the Republicans in Iowa voted for someone else.
3. The next data point is amazing. A full 48% of Haley voters said that they’d vote for Biden if Trump is the Republican candidate! That’s a real problem for Trump. Trump should also be worried that 12% of Haley voters said they wouldn’t vote at all if Trump is the candidate. If he wants to win the general election, Trump can’t afford to lose any votes. He needs every voter who voted for him in 2020.
4. If Trump is convicted in any of his four criminal cases, 30% of Republicans admit that they’ll abandon him. That is why Trump is trying to delay all of the trials. Even if the delay tactic works, this statistic shows that Trump’s support has some soft spots.
I realize that it’s very early in the primary process, and that the political game is unpredictable. Right now, however, it looks like a rematch between Trump and Biden. Nonetheless, this race will be different. The political sands have shifted since 2020. Some Republicans have lost their enthusiasm for Trump, and some Democrats have lost their enthusiasm for Biden. The shifts could create an entirely different ballgame. Just like last time, it will be a nail-biter. The good news is that the primary process is finally underway and we’re hurtling towards Election Day.
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pennies-and-sense · 3 months
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I stopped wasting money on crap I don’t need.
(Here’s how I did it in 5 steps)
At 25, I was a shopaholic, always buying things that didn’t make me happy.
But then I realized I was throwing away money that could be used for better things.
So I changed my habits and mindset to get good at money.
And you know what?
It was easier than I thought.
Here’s how I did it:
1. I focused on what I wanted, not what I didn’t want.
I said “I can have a healthy and delicious meal” instead of “I can’t have pizza”.
This way, I felt motivated and excited, not deprived or resentful.
2. I built a spending plan that included my guilty pleasures.
I didn’t cut out all the fun from my budget.
That’s just setting myself up for failure.
I allocated some money for the things that I enjoyed, such as coffee, pizza, and online shopping.
I made sure that I could afford these expenses without compromising my other financial goals.
3. I saved first, spent later.
I saved money before I spent it.
This is a simple but powerful habit that can transform your finances.
I set up an automatic transfer to a separate savings account every month.
This way, I didn’t see the money in my checking account, so I wasn’t tempted to spend it.
I only used my checking account for my planned expenses and occasional treats.
4. I thought about the value of my purchases.
Before I bought something, I asked myself: Is this worth it?
Will this add value to my life?
How often will I use it?
Can I resell it later?
These questions helped me avoid impulse buying and make smarter choices.
I preferred to buy things that had a high value, such as quality clothes, books, or experiences.
5. I treated myself to something meaningful.
Sometimes, I spent money on things I didn’t need because I was bored, stressed, or unhappy.
But these things didn’t make me feel better.
They only provided a temporary distraction.
And they made me feel guilty afterwards, which led to more spending to cope with the guilt.
It was a vicious cycle.
Instead of wasting money on things that didn’t matter, I treated myself to something that did.
For example, I saved up for a fine dining experience with a loved one.
This way, I got more satisfaction and happiness from my money.
I also created memories that lasted longer than any material thing.
I hope this text helps you stop spending money on things you don’t need and start saving money for the things that matter.
Trust me, I’ve been there.
And I can tell you that nothing feels better than being in control of your money and your life.
If you liked this text, please share it with your friends and follow me for more tips on how to get good at money. 😊
PS ♻️ Reblog this text & share your story.
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