#if IM RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF?? and i make NOTHING???

[cascigarette]

it's really interesting to me how they wrote and how jarpad played sam's trauma from the cage through the soulless sam arc and the hallucifer arc. like when he's soulless he's very much like dissociated out of body hypersexual kind of trauma response with memory gaps and no real sense of self. when he gets his soul back he does sort of a 180. he's overwhelmed, he's hallucinating, having intense flashbacks, using self harm to ground himself, feeling hyposexual, he can't help but remember. I just find it interesting to see his initial trauma from the cage and how it changes over time, how it changes him

#ive just been learning about trauma and how ive been changed by trauma in ways i didnt realize before #and i find myself similar to a lot of his responses #and it feels sort of validating to me weirdly bc in my head im very prone to be like yeah no that wasnt a big deal #ur making a big deal out of nothing etc etc #just a lot of minimizing #which sam does too #if i had more coherence rn id go more in depth with his trauma responses but im feeling kind of out of it today so this is what ive got #sam winchester #sam and lucifer #hallucifer #soulless sam #spn #trauma tw #ask to tag #mine #sh mention

[snickerdoodlles]

there's a lot of things people blame for why fandoms feel like ghost towns these days, but no one's really talked about the way discord's contributing to it

#its like #people are trying to force fit discord's chatrooms into forum boards #except discord is just. really really *really* poorly setup for that #and theres no way to archive or share it so everything said in it is easily lost despite personal export or community pins or search option #and like #vaguely hearing about the way some people are unsatisfied with them/feeling unfufilled in the response to them #a lot of people would be better off posting those things to places like tumblr #where there isnt a time limit on when people see or respond to them #part of what's scary/frustrating on tumblr rn is some fandoms arent good about reblogging to posts or tag rambling #like with bad buddy a large part of the fun was the enthusiastic and in depth tag rambles and the way responses built on each other #vs something like kinnporsche which feels much more like-oriented #like? its not like theres any one way to fandom #and there's nothing actually wrong with likes or quiet reblogs #but vaguely hearing about the way some people were/are really upset with some servers im just kinda like #idk #feels a bit like people trying to force a square thru a circle or that they're looking in the wrong spaces for what they want #.......this is not a complaint for my space ajkds i think i've carved out a pretty happy space for myself! #im just checking the reblog graphs of some old vs new stuff and thinking about a convo other cookie and i were having over the weekend #i have a lot of friends around and i love everyone who's happy to ramble with me #but i do feel a slight case of DM burnout rn where mostly people reach out to me via DMs instead of reblogs #which is a very different dynamic #its like. hmmm words #i love DMs but the pressure of responding to a lot of individual messages #vs something like reblogs which is more open forum for everyone and feels more communal #if that makes sense? #the difference between visiting one person at home vs casually hanging out with a group at a cafe #and the lovely thing about tumblr specifically is that i can set down a reblog chain for several days if i need #before returning to it later when i have more time/energy #its got Longevity that discord lacks u know #........okay enough tag musings from me ajkfhjdgfhj BYE

[amokslime]

About the whole ADHD "finding a way to motivate yourself without using the stress of impending deadlines" thing:

I hate to say it, but learning to be nicer to myself changed a lot of that for me. I really truly hate to say it. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you gotta find a way to be nicer to yourself inside your own head, in whatever way works for you. I know it sucks so bad to hear.

The other thing is, if my brain is really refusing to tackle a task, often times the main thing I'm feeling is confused and understimulated. Which leads to me sitting there with the jeopardy theme song playing in my head, and then I unconsciously gravitate towards something that's more stimulating and therefore easier to wrap my head around. So overstimulating myself in some sensory way helps me be less confused about what I needed to do. Everybody's brain is different, though.

And uhh the other thing that helped is concerta, and listening to my body, and working on not being so ashamed when I failed. Which means you will probably have to fail a little bit unfortunately

#im so so so sorry #it sucks so bad because so much of what i found that works sounds so much like the trite advice we always get #you have to do it while being nice to yourself. if you try it while still motivating yourself through shame it won't workkkkkk #and the path to chipping away at all that learned shame is really individual and difficult #but the shame and stress are buddies that go hand in hand. they come from the same place #i had to make myself physically incapable of tolerating stress before i realized that it just doesn't matter #like you have responsibilities to your neighbors and loved ones and some of them are time sensitive. but HOW you complete them doesnt matte #and you just will mess up. there is nothing you can do about that. you have a disability. ADHD is a disability #''but if i mess up I'll face severe consequences. that's why i motivate myself through stress in the first place'' YEAH I KNOW IM SORRY MAN #it is still good to try and untangle the shame around doing tasks. it's still helpful. #even if it doesn't help you be more productive it will help your relationship with yourself and the world. #which is actually a really worthwhile and not at all selfish thing to prioritize. believe it or not. #anyway. love you!! sorry!! byeeee #personal #brain stuff

[milkweedman]

Made some quick pickles with what I'm pretty sure is the last harvest of lemon cucumbers this year. Have to sit in the fridge for a few days first though.

Also made muffins. I have a banana muffin recipe from my mom that I ways use, which calls for 6 very ripe bananas and I only had 3, so instead of halving the recipe I tried substituting the other half for apple sauce. Cut back on the sugar but I think they're slightly too sweet. Probably good with tea or coffee though.

#baking #cooking #my sister among other things accused me of not doing any chores which is actually incredibly infuriating #because any time i take a half day or have some spare time im cleaning something and it is almost never a mess i am responsible for #those are contained to my bedroom #tried to take a day off today bc the migraine is rly bad and my knees yesterday were so painful #but ive spent almost all of it doing chores bc i feel guilty and worried my other roommate also thinks im doing nothing #anyway. sure is something #sure also continues a very long trend that is making me want to light myself on fire

[girlwithfish]

bpd vs cptsd is really confusing also bpd vs autism. anyway

#and like the debate that bpd is just cptsd #and is a disorder rooted in trauma #but trauma also isnt a diagnostic requirement but also idk if i believe ppl w bpd who say they have no trauma at all #well im sure there r exceptions but also think a lot of ppl downplay trauma they went thru #nd ppl say bpd/personality disorders in general r from trauma and learned trauma responses for survival #But reading up abt cptsd lately its like everything also resonates w ne #me #but i still think i am like textbook definition of bpd lol. i was in a split for literally a week #it was hell i actually dont know how i survived bc i was so close to kmsing a lotttt bc mental illness is running my life rn #and making it unbearable!! i am just tryi g to find internal safety again and trust in others and #build my own resilience and trust in myself above all. reparentify myself and learn how to make a #sustainable life for myself when ive been trying to function like a - #'normal' neurotypical stable person for all my life and had no idea my mental problems ran this deeply #like iwish i had gotten help sooner. i feel horrible my life has gotten to this point bc i did nothing abt it when i was a kid or younger #adult bc i didnt know i guess. idk #i just realized my.upbringing has a bigger effect than i even know on who i am today. i have sm repressed memories too lmfao

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing #ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like #visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do #so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible #mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done #but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing #how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate #and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem #it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research #assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head #and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck #it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing? #i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads #to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood? #hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing? #idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed #bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me #so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a #slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would #b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh. #unrelated

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[arthur-r]

what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck #the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy #cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it #so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled #i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like #i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is #it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS #and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like #that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts #that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of #the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED?? #and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way #i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps #and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all #ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine #i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be #missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine #and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win #anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something #unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!! #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[craycraybluejay]

Just take care of yourself bro. Rest up, king.

-🦫

thank you but i do have shit i have to get done unfortunately 😔 i hope at least keeping busy with more boring and tedious tasks will feel a little less stressful than the paranoia my online presence is giving me

#🦫 anon #anon response #basically without going into detail #my trauma makes me really paranoid about being myself at the same time as being arounf people #its dangerous and i've gotten WAY too comfortable and im freaking out ab it now #i want to isolate again at least for anything beyond close irls and my therapist and any clients #since clients i dont really worry with bc im not going to be stupid and too personal w them #i genuinely wish my wisdom stopped me from my impulse to socialize and be myself around people #its not safe. nothing is safe #the only safety is my work and my books #but i took a pill so im feeling a little better for now. might redose

[mrpsychokiller]

do you think if i went to college id have the opportunity to hang out with friends and kiss cute boys. is this where im gonna need to find the motivation to go to college

#everytime i go to therapy its always the same thing my therapist just talks about how i need to stop mopping and doing nothing #and go to college and do something with my life. its what my friends and my parents say too and what i know i should do #but my response is always ''i dont know'' and i dont make any plans or do anything #i dont know. i have nothing im interested in enough to study. nothing i want to go to college for. nothing id like to work with forever #i cant get the energy to leave my bed and i cant imagine getting the energy to study hard for several years and then work hard forever #with how i feel right now i cant imagine myself having the energy or the strength or the motivation or the focus to do anything like that #all i spend my time hoping for is just the general idea of feeling better. i want to make friends i want to hang out #i want to date i want to transition i want to play videogames i want to live by myself and not have to worry about money or about my parents #but i imagine these distant things refusing to admit that to achieve them i need to do these impossible things first #so i come back to having to think of college. and im stuck again #blehhh #ALSO SORRY FOR THE TONE SHIFT BTW the original text post was supposed to be a joke but then i start actually ranting in the tags

[pepprs]

june 27th give it up for june 27th

#purrs #delete later #sure would be an INFINITELY more special and auspicious day if there wasn’t going to be • thunderstorms all day • a budget meeting • two #back to back orientations where i am going to have to take on 2X THE FACILITATION ROLESSSSS 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 bc we’re doing that now. LMFAOOOOOO #<- and by that i mean splitting up the facilitation so instead of 4 ppl shari ng responsibility for talking AND doing logistics there’s 2 #ppl talking and 2 ppl doing logistics. and mutuals need i remind you that facilitating this specific session requires being extremely high #energy and mobile and getting ppl ‘hyped’ and there are 383729473 reasons why that is difficult for me to do in front of 100+ new students #plus three cofacilirators i am scared of / intimidated by for various reasons. im going to be sick soooo genuinely. i HATE this 😂😂😂��🤣🤣🤣🤣 #anyways yeah. today is my one year anniversary and also my first day as an fte so. 🫠 and one year ago today was pretty awful too like my #first day was actually extremely extremely bad and i cried like multiple times every day that week bc it kept getting worse so. love how #things have changed so substantially since then and the things that triggered me on that day aren’t an issue anymore <3 (they are very much #still an issue it’s just the specific people involved have changed bc half the ppl working here including one of my dearest closest #mentors who was deeply involved in that situation have left the university and now it is utterly unrecognizable and every day i wake up in #an alternate universe i know deep down i am not supposed to be in and yet im trapped in it irreversibly and this IS my universe now. lolll 🥰 #)) also ik it’s stupid to still be grieving over this but like. the entire way it all went down + the fact that it even did in the first #place and the STAGGGERING consequences of it. are kind of insane. every new development makes me feel more and more like im living in a fake #reality and nothing that is happening is supposed to be happening and im dreaming it all but it’s a bad dream. and idk how to accept #that this is NOT. a dream and that what happened happened and now i have to live with it and stop curling in on myself like a prey animal an #and isolating myself from everyone i love and taking every single conceivable situation badly. like tfw da therapy isn’t working 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 #anyways i need to go get ready and practice the fucking 16 page facilitation guide 🙄 see u on the other side lol

[todayisafridaynight]

this might not make sense. but i feel like after moving to america masato’s dramatic ass would start thinking of Daigo as Right Person Wrong Time & like he’d make Daigo the embodiment of his “sordid” youth & how he’s Outgrown smudged eyeliner and drunken bathroom hookups. so he Becomes Ryo Aoki and returns to Japan & sees chairman Daigo with his slicked back hair & pressed suit & pleasant smiles, the same image that Ryo Aoki wears, but different, somehow. Daigo still has his familiar stubble & his dark eyes, Shitty 20-something Daigo is still there in Chairman Daigo. somehow, Daigo managed to change, managed to be this better, fuller, realer person without killing off his former self. while Ryo Aoki changed his name, burned his bridges, went under the knife and became an entirely new being. I think it’d infuriate Masato, it’d drive him mad, out of jealousy and superiority. How stupid of Daigo to keep his past so close to his chest. How lucky of Daigo to be able to transform without having to shoot his past between the eyes.

Meanwhile Daigo is just like 🧍‍♂️ nice glasses nerd.

(Sorry if this is incoherent)

anon i cant stress how much im eating this and seasoning it and putting it in every soup and dish i make i am injecting this straight into my bloodstream and i'm turning this into a pill so i can take it every day oh my god

#fave #spoilers #y7 spoilers #masadai #snap chats #aoki really out here with the daily planet aesthetic tho.... ok clark kent... #but yeah anon. anon this is doing things to my brain. the worms are FEASTING tonight oh my god. #i cant gift basket you a year's supply of tirimasu when you're on anon jesus christ i feel like gabriel just threw this through my window #eguhUHHHUH daigo being able to change but still retain who he is while aoki had to start from scratch.. #tbf his dumbass was responsible for that but still... my god he'd be so angry... furious... jealous even #more reasons to want to demolish the tojo: he wants to take everything daigo's built up for himself and the yakuza #he wants to take that life away and to make daigo feel the pressure of having to start life over #too bad daigo was already planning that.. aoki cant even get that satisfaction #girl im going insane !!! oh my god !!!!! #JUST A SLAP IN THE FACE one of few things to remind aoki of his past life and dude's thriving #dude's basically his adversary- absolutely his number one target #his pursuit for political power's been nothing but personal but this especially feels like it'd be closing the chapter on his old life #and Again. aoki can't even have that totally on his terms he doesn't get the joy of watching daigo panic and crumble #he gets to move on to his ventures as he planned and now all he can do is seethe #brb dying. readmitting myself to the hospital i wasn't left to cook in there long enough im still ill

[coloursofaparadox]

hnnnnnnnnnnnmmnn its overshare on the internet o clock

#my shitty ex has sent me a text asking to meet up and talk #and in a predictable move the text itself doesnt actually apologize or acknowledge that she did anything fucked up #it instead says 'we both did some pretty messed up stuff' which. uh. yeah. cool. thanks. #thats like prefacing an apology with 'first of all i still blame you but i guess i couuuldve had something to do with it' #and like. sheesh. my first instinct is to politely say absolutely not jesus christ how do you have the gall to ask me that #i could go my entire life without interacting with you ever again and i would be nothing but better off for it #but. i have not sent that yet. and it has been a while. because i really miss the friend group she....not stole exactly but #because i do not want to be in the same space as her i just. dont get to be around them much any more. #and fuck. i miss my dog so so much. i love lucas too but sarah was the first dog i raised from a baby #and she was just one of those animals that are just. like you love them all but some are different in a way where they're a part of you. #and sarah was mine and she took her from me and ive just barely gotten over it #i dont know if being able to see her again would make it worse or better. #but instinct is telling me to tell her that no theres no chance of us being friends. i need to protect myself and value my own wellbeing. #and that its not that i hate her because i dont but i do intensely dislike the ugly person i realized shes become #and i refuse to continue to let myself be hurt by that without speaking up. #but i still!!! havent!!! said no!!!!! #if i could manage it. and get through a talk with her. and be very clear that im here to attempty just...neutrality and a lack of hostility #and that friendship is not on the table. prep myself on my boundaries and rules for what i will not put up with #and accept that if she does something shitty in response to me keeping myself safe then i have to be prepared to call it off immediately #then. i would see my friends again a lot more often than just one on one every couple months because every group thing involves her #fuck. i dont know. i really really dont want to talk to her ever again but god fucking dammit. #im prepared to move on and rebuild my life and invest in other relationships. i am. ive done it before and slowly built from the ground up. #i can do it again. but it fucking sucks when its most of my irl friends all at once. #idk. idk. i miss my dog so much it hurts but it would be much worse to see her now after how my ex treats her when im not there to stop it #its just something i cant let myself think about or ill just spiral and i cant do that. theres nothing i can do about it. i cant stop it. #fuck.