#if anyone figures out the link between all 6 of these they get my eternal love

[thewayshedreamed]

This Time— Part 6

A Nessian Fan Fic

Fic Masterlist

This chapter offers some additional insight into Nesta’s thought process and sheds a little light on the ongoing process her emotional development has become. I hope it comes through!

This is somewhat of a “building” chapter so that we can get Nessian to the crest, so to speak. Part 7 is already written and only needs some editing, so it’s possible that I’ll be doing a double update today ☺️ They certainly have a lot to discuss, and once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. 😂 Anyway, enough of me. Enjoy!

Links to the previous parts:

Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 ||

Warnings for grief related to the loss of a parent and some strong language.

——————————————————————————

Around 11:00 PM, Nesta decided she couldn’t be alone with her thoughts anymore. She was ruminating on similar memories and effectively raking herself over the coals. Although she knew any one of her friends would be there for her no matter the time of day, she picked up her phone to call the one she knew would most likely be awake at this hour.

“Hello?” Azriel’s raspy voice came through the phone.

“Were you asleep?! Since when do you go to bed early?” Her surprise was obvious by her tone. What the hell? He’s never in bed before midnight.

“Nes. Always a pleasure.” Azriel breathed a chuckle into the phone. “I usually wouldn’t be. I’m.. umm.. at a friend’s house tonight.”

Nesta gasped and dropped her voice. “Oh my gods. Az, were you on a date?! Am I interrupting?” She clapped her free hand over her forehead. “I’m the worst. I’m sorry.”

Another chuckle from Azriel. “You don’t have to whisper, you know. She can’t hear you. You’re not interrupting anything. I was asleep when you called, but I’m out on the couch now. What’s up?”

”If you were asleep, then that counts as interrupting! Are you sure?”

”Yes. Just, maybe the short version?” His tone was tentative, almost as if he felt guilty asking her to keep it concise at 11 PM. No one truly deserved Azriel as their friend.

“I can do that. So, here it is. I’ll save you the long, tedious trip through my brain.” She paused for half a second to take a breath. “I’m in love with Cassian.” She let out a quiet groan for effect.

”Mhmm...” The lilting of his voice implied that he was waiting for something like the punchline of a joke; the unknown part of her statement.

Her breath caught. “I kind of expected more of a reaction.”

”Did you? I thought there was more to it.” He seemed entirely neutral in that grating way of his.

”How did you know?!” She asked, incredulously.

”You told me.”

“Mm.. I don’t think so. When?” Now she was actually confused. Did she make some kind of drunken confession at Rita’s? She would remember having this revelation before now.

“At brunch. When we were driving home.”

”What are you talking about?!” Her voice was definitely higher pitched than it had been previously. She was anxious to hear his response, thinking he had surely dreamed this.

”Nesta. We were in my car, backing out of the parking lot. You asked me, ‘Why couldn’t we be the ones to fall in love?’ Or something along those lines. I thought that you were using some cryptic way of telling me because it implied two parties. Why do you think I hit the brakes so hard?” He seemed impatient, as if he was telling her the most obvious thing in the world.

“I thought maybe the question weirded you out! I didn’t even realize what I said, to be honest. How the actual fuck do you notice tiny things like that?” She didn’t wait on his response. He would know it was rhetorical. “Now my problem is this: I think he’s dating someone, so I’ve lost my chance.” She briefly told him what she had overheard the night of Elain’s birthday, her voice starting to crack toward the end.

”Hm. He hasn’t said anything to me about that, but I could see why he would wait being that you and I are close. But honestly, I don’t know that you could ever lose your chance with Cassian, Nes.”

She didn’t have anything to say to that. She simply sat there, playing with the corner of her throw blanket and hoping he would continue. He seemed to sense her discomfort and started talking again.

“I think you’ll regret it if you don’t talk to him. But, if I can offer my opinion, maybe wait a little while so that you know you’re absolutely sure this is what you want. I don’t know how he would handle it if you decided it’s not what you want.”

She felt herself prickle with defensiveness. “I wouldn’t do that to him, Az. Of course I’m sure. It only took me an eternity to figure this shit out.”

Azriel responded in a soothing tone he so often used with her. “I know. But remember, you’re not the one he talks to about you. I’m just looking out for my brother. Maybe let it marinate, yeah?”

She knew his intentions were pure, and she couldn’t really blame him for being protective. Before she could respond, she heard a feminine voice in the background ask: “Az, everything okay?”

She heard him pull the phone away from his face to answer. “Oh, yeah. All good. It’s Nesta.”

Delayed by her scattered brain and the copious amount of wine, the identity of the voice finally hit her full force.

”IS THAT ELAIN?!” She sat up straighter as if it would allow her to hear them more readily.

She heard Azriel laugh, followed by a shuffling on the other end.

“Hello? Nesta? Everything okay?” Nesta could hear the genuine concern in her voice.

“Hey, El. Everything’s fine! Sorry to crash your date. It seems we have quite a bit to talk about. Very soon.”

It took Elain a couple of seconds to respond, and Nesta could hear the smile in her voice. “Yeah. I think we do. Someone told me I should just talk to him. Turns out that they were right.” She paused, waiting for an “I told you so” from Nesta. She didn’t have the energy. “You know you can talk to me about Cassian, too, right?”

Nesta shut her eyes tightly and shook her head. “Of course. I’m sorry. I’ve been leaning on Az since our fight, and I honestly haven’t had the energy to bring it up beyond that. But I do want to talk to you. And Feyre. It’s just been...hard.”

“I can imagine. It’s hard to remember a time before you and Cass. It’s like the end of an era or something. Just know that we’re here.” Her voice was soft, laced with worry and a desire to help her older sister.

”Maybe for now,” Nesta teased, “but you may not have much time to chat these days.”

She knew she was blatantly deflecting, but El’s words had caused tears to prick her eyes yet again. It’s hard to remember a time before you and Cass. She realized how true it was, and what upset her the most was that she knew she didn’t want to know a time without Cassian.

The call wrapped up with more gentle teasing between the sisters, and eventually, embarrassing Azriel a bit over speakerphone. She told them she loved them and promised to keep them updated on how she was feeling. Her heart felt lighter once she finally ended the call, thanks to the laughter they managed to pull from her.

——————————————————————————

Christine Archeron’s death anniversary fell on a Tuesday that year, and Nesta awoke with a similar irritation as last year— death anniversaries should never fall on weekdays. She went through the familiar motions as any other morning, headed to work, and concentrated on her various tasks she was expected to juggle at any given time. As appearances went, it looked like any other ordinary day to those around her, so the extra heaviness remained hers alone to carry.

On her lunch break, she got a chance to pull her phone to check her messages and mindlessly scroll through social media. She had been focused on scrolling for so long that her phone took her by surprise when it vibrated in her hand. She tapped the notification by reflex and found herself studying the sender’s name as if it was some sort of mistake.

Cassian: Thinking about you today. I know it’s a rough one. Keep your head up. Christine would have it no other way ❤️

Nesta read the text several times in a row; just to make sure it was real. It had been so long since he’d contacted her intentionally, and it made her happy that he still thought to reach out today. It simultaneously made her a little sad; however, because it was yet another reminder of what she’d lost in him. That was an issue to deal with later.

Nesta: Of course you are, because you’re the perfect human, and I don’t deserve you. Thanks, Cass 💕 Means the world to me to hear from you. Mom really loved you, and I know she would appreciate you looking out for us.

She hesitated over the send button for several seconds before deciding to go through with it. It felt so weird to intentionally script any type of message to him being that they had spent most of their relationship entirely uncensored. Everything about it felt wrong— she couldn’t act natural with him because it wasn’t appropriate anymore, yet she didn’t feel right having to draft and redraft their communication. It was all so fucked, and she was tired of this odd limbo they stayed in.

She reflected on her conversation with Azriel and Elain on the night she had unintentionally crashed their date. She knew that they both held strong points about her situation and wouldn’t advise her to try to repair things if they knew it was a lost cause. She acknowledged that Azriel, specifically, knew more than he was at liberty to tell her. That being the case, she decided that was evidence in favor of hashing things out with Cassian. It wasn’t long before she was lost in her own thoughts, her food entirely forgotten.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to ensure I didn’t need anyone. I never wanted to depend heavily on another person in a way that I couldn’t manage on my own. But that’s not really the case anyway, right? I’ve managed fine these few weeks, but that’s the thing. I’ve managed. Why do I try to insist that’s enough for me?

But what if the door is closed? What if this was Cassian’s final push, and he’s gone? I don’t know Alis, and she could be wonderful. She probably appreciates the shit out of him and saw immediately that he’s not the average person. She probably knows how special he is. She probably beams anytime he enters a room and tries to take care of his heart in any way she can. She’s probably fucking delightful.

But does that really compete with history? I guess if that history is filled with turmoil, it could. She’ll never know the Cassian that was a freshman in high school— braces and curly hair, still a head taller than most of the other boys in class. She won’t remember how he hit his second growth spurt the summer after sophomore year, where he started to fill out and caught the attention of any girl with a pulse. She doesn’t know what it’s like when he’s truly angry with his dad and the world. She doesn’t know the full range of his eclectic music tastes or the guilty pleasures he sings depending on his mood. She didn’t do the leg work to reconcile the tough, intimidating exterior when he gets upset with the gentle soul beneath. There’s no way she knows when his humor and his laughter are distractions from his pain rather than when they’re genuine. She can’t love him like I do. Im-fucking-possible.

She was pulled abruptly out of her head, and incredible jealousy, by her alarm. It was time to go back to work and finish out the day, and she hoped it passed as quickly as possible. She silently chastised herself for piling this emotional time bomb on today of all days as she threw away her lunch and walked out of the break room.

So much for leaving this issue for later.

She resolved to put all of these thoughts back into their little box until she had the emotional energy to open the lid once again. Whenever the hell that would be.

——————————————————————————

The rest of the day zoomed by at a blissful pace, thank the gods. In fact, when Nesta glanced at the clock, she realized it was several minutes after 5:00 PM. She clocked out, grabbed her things, and climbed into her car. She took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself to make the drive out to the cemetery. She wasn’t sure what time Elain had been able to go by, but Nesta had agreed to meet Feyre at 5:30 to pay their respects. It was becoming a standing tradition, where they would make their short visit whenever they could during the day and follow with dinner together as a family.

She made it with a few minutes to spare, so she took that time to sit with her mom one-on-one. She gave her a brief update on her life, told her how much she loved and missed her, and gently brushed any leaves or grass clippings off of her headstone. There were fresh flowers in her vase, something she noted each year on her death anniversary. Any other time of year, they kept seasonally appropriate faux flowers to make sure her site was properly decorated. She made a mental note to offer to contribute to the fresh arrangement in the years following when she saw her family at dinner. They were always taken care of before she made it out to the cemetery, and she didn’t want to risk forgetting for the next year. She leaned into the arrangement, taking in the various floral scents emanating from the blooms in the bouquet. There was a myriad of vivid colors, wildflowers throughout, and Nesta loved how true to her mother’s spirit they were.

She turned when she heard car doors and saw Feyre approaching with Rhysand. She stood, extending an arm out to her baby sister, who accepted it readily and rested her head on her shoulder. They wrapped their arms around each other, and Rhysand stood nearby, resting his hand on Feyre’s opposite shoulder. They stood together for several minutes until Nesta excused herself to allow Feyre some time alone with their mom as well.

She drove to her father’s house where she found Elain already setting the table for dinner. They worked together quietly, making sure they had plenty of place settings for everyone. Azriel offered his help to carry various dishes of food to the dining table and took his seat next to Elain once it was all settled. Almost as if on cue, Feyre and Rhysand walked into the house and took their seats as well. The dinner started off quiet considering the somber mood, but Feyre was the first to break the tension when she started to tell stories from their childhood. In a matter of moments, their home was filled with animated story telling and loud bouts of laughter, and Nesta couldn’t think of a better way to honor her mom’s love of life.

As everyone finished up, she suddenly remembered her mental note from earlier. She waited for a natural lull in conversation, then commented softly, “Mom’s flowers were beautiful, you guys. You did an amazing job.”

”They were really perfect. They couldn’t have been more ‘Christine’ if you tried,” Feyre remarked.

“Elain, Dad. I’m not sure which of you took care of them this year, but would you let me take care of next time? I haven’t contributed since she passed, and I’d really like to.”

Mr. Archeron softly shook his head back and forth, communicating to Nesta that it hadn’t been him. Nesta adjusted her gaze to Elain who looked just as confused.

“Oh. Nes, I assumed it was one of you. I didn’t... I didn’t order them. I wished I had.” She looked down at her hands, and Azriel placed a supportive arm across the back of her chair.

“Okay... so who did?” She glanced around the table from person to person, but no one took any credit. It was Rhys who spoke up first, clearing his throat to master his voice.

“You don’t know?”

”Obviously.” She looked to Feyre for support. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Feyre said nothing, watching Rhysand talk with rapt attention.

When he spoke again, it was cautious, as if his words may startle her. “Nesta. The flowers are from Cassian. He’s done them every year since Mrs. Christine died.”

She was suddenly short of breath. Everyone’s attention snapped to Rhys, including her father’s. Her sisters and Azriel were looking at Rhysand with stunned expressions, their eyes flicking to her face occasionally.

“What? How could you know— why would you know, when we don’t? What the fuck is going on?” She was falling over her own words, struggling to form any cohesive thought.

”I’m so sorry,” Rhysand glanced around the room for the first time, realizing he had everyone’s attention. “The only reason I knew was because he asked me to make sure they made it from the flower shop to her gravesite the year he had knee surgery. He asked me to keep it to myself then, but I figured by now he would have said something to at least one other person.” He looked down into his plate, various emotions playing over his handsome face. Feyre leaned over to comfort him, knowing he was likely embarrassed to be the reason the air had changed so dramatically.

Nesta’s head was swimming, emotions roiling from a million different directions. She knew anger was cheap and unfair, but she pulled on that tether as hard as she could to make sure she could navigate everything she was processing. She was on her feet suddenly, pushing her chair away from the table and walking toward her keys.

“I have to go.” She couldn’t be in here anymore. The room was too small, the walls were too close. Too many people. She picked up the pace, flinging the door open and shutting it hard behind her. She was down the porch steps when she heard the door open again. Azriel’s voice followed her.

”Nesta. Where are you going? Nesta, stop!” He had jogged lightly to catch up with her, and he tugged her gently by the wrist to stop her. She spun on him quickly, eyes flaring and brimming with tears.

“Anywhere but here! What the fuck was that, Az?”

He said nothing; looked down at his own feet as he shook his head.

“Cassian has some fucking nerve, you know that? Why is he insisting upon himself?” Her voice was lowered and had taken on an almost eerie quality; the calm before the proverbial storm.

“Nes, I don’t think he meant to upset you. It sounds like it’s something he’s made somewhat of a tradition. Maybe he just wanted to be sure and see it through.”

”He doesn’t get to do that anymore, Azriel. He doesn’t get to butt-dial me while he makes date plans with some girl, then turn around and send flowers to my dead mother. What am I supposed to think about that? And how would that make his girlfriend feel?” Azriel pulled her into a hug at that, resting his chin on top of her head. He didn’t answer her. There was nothing to say.

She pulled away from him, gripping her keys, and walked toward her car. “I’m out. Tell them I love them, and I’ll call tomorrow.” She nodded her chin toward the house, climbed into her car, and backed out of the driveway.

——————————————————————————

She wasn’t sure how long she’d driven before she found herself in his driveway. She knew it hadn’t been very long considering the sun was still clinging to the end of the day. She honestly didn’t remember making the conscious decision to come here, likely fueled by anger and muscle memory more than anything else. She was still so frustrated at her situation, her emotions spilling over and refusing to be put into that stupid fucking box anymore. The worst part was that, as mad as she was with him, she so badly wanted to see him. She wished the circumstances were less complicated so that she could knock, ask for a hug and some tea, and lay on his couch. They were a hell of a long way from those people now.

She loosed a breath, puffing her cheeks with air and exhaling slowly. Just before she peeled her head from the headrest to get out, his front door opened. He opened it most of the way, then leaned against the door jamb on his shoulder. He had his hands in the pockets of his sweats and one of his ankles crossed casually over the other. For a moment, she only looked at him, unable to move or offer any type of acknowledgement. She took in the charcoal henley he was wearing, unbuttoned save for the very last one. The small flap of the opening leaned to the side, revealing the base of his neck and the beginning of his tattoos. He looked so very Cassian, casual and laid-back, that she struggled to keep her emotions level at the mere sight of him. His hair was down, looking like he had just run his fingers through it with its deep part and how it fell haphazardly around his face. He was wearing his reading glasses, she noticed, the thick frames highlighting the sharp angle of his cheekbones and the wide set of his jaw. He gave her a soft smile, and cocked his head to the side and back in invitation. She could almost hear him gently telling her to “get in here”.

Too late to turn back now.

——————————————————————————

A/N: Alrighty, hope y’all enjoyed this chapter, even with minimal Nessian. The next chapter(s) will more than make up for it, though! I’m hoping to have max Nessian to y’all ASAP. A million thanks to all of you who continue to follow this au. Your comments/ feedback have meant the world to me!

If you’d like to be tagged, feel free to comment, reblog, or send a message! I’d be happy to add you to the list. If I’ve accidentally left you off or there are issues with your tag, let me know, and I’ll look into it! Comments and constructive criticism are welcome (even encouraged)!

Tags:

@polireader // @lord-douglas-the-third // @justgiu12 // @notyournymphetish // @sjm-things // @strangeenemy // @iammissstark // @keshavomit // @sjmships // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks // @dusty-lightbulb // @texas-shaped-waffle-maker // @julemmaes // @charincharge // @superspiritfestival // @awesomelena555 // @sleeping-and-books // @hizqueen4life // @maastrash // @bookstantrash // @rhyswhitethorn // @grace-k-sterling // @sayosdreams // @sis-it-dont-add-up // @ladywitchling // @b00kworm // @courtofjurdan

#nessian #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #nesta #cassian #acotar #nessian au #nessian fwb #nessian angst #nessian fanfic #acowar #acomaf #archeron sisters #acotar fanfic #sjm #sarah j maas

[bisexualbuck]

911 & Buddie Fic Rec

I’ve been reading a lot of fics lately as I pretend that nothing is happening in the world, and so I’ve put up a list of a few that have stuck with me.

Don’t forget to leave them a comment! They’re all amazing and they deserve it.

Let’s spread some positivity around here!

In no particular order

Knocking On Heaven’s Door by MomentsOfWeakness

Summary: Buck isn’t sure where he is. The last thing he remembers was being out on a call. Now he’s here, in a place he has never seen before surrounded by people he doesn't know. It's bright. That's all he can really tell.

Based on a Tumblr prompt where someone asked for Buck and Chris both ending up in purgatory at the same time before they ever met in life. Buck has a ticket back to the living world but he gives it to Chris who is supposed to die. An old man, seeing what Buck did for Chris, decides to give his own ticket for the living world to Buck, because the world needs more people like him.

Personal opinion: This is just so good. It’s so well-written it almost reads like poetry.

Eddie Diaz and the Cat-astrophe at the 118 by SquaresAreNotCircles

Summary: It’s Chimney who rescues her from the tree, but it’s Bobby’s arms that she curls up in on the drive over to the vet to get her checked out. Right from the start, it’s as if she knows who she needs to cozy up with to secure her spot at the station.

“Come on, that’s crazy,” Buck says, but he does so while laughing not at Eddie, but at the grey tabby cat trying to get her claws on the fake mouse on a string that Buck bought with his own money, so Eddie doesn’t put too much stock in his opinion.

Or: The firefam adopts a mascot and Eddie has a minor crisis about it.

Personal opinion: This is just too sweet and too funny!!

Whatever you say, Buck by nanasteiger

Summary: Tumblr prompt: I'd love to see a fic where they start dating but decide to keep it private for a bit, except literally everybody knows because they're not secretive at all and everybody catches them here and there kissing or being affectionate with each other.

 The first one to talk about it was, and it wasn’t really a surprise, Captain Nash. “So,” he said, approaching him in the locker room, “what’s going on between you and Diaz?”

Personal opinion: The softness... unparalleled.

Love Language by red_to_black

Summary: The one in which there's too much pollen around, Eddie pines, and Buck is oblivious.

Or - Eddie's love language is acts of service, and Buck doesn't totally get it.

Personal opinion: I have melted... too good!!

a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things

Summary: Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that.

But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.”

—you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting—

So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

Personal opinion: Y’all. Just - do yourself a favor and read this. A masterpiece!! Just *chefs kiss*

dying lol by itsmylifekay

Summary: Based on the meme: i'm dying lol

Buck is...Buck. And that means chaos, angst, laughs, and pining over Eddie. Bobby just wants his son to stop ending up in the hospital. Enjoy.

Personal opinion: I have no words to say how much I love this

i want your heart (i hope you do too) by chocobos

Summary: Buck can’t stop thinking about those words, about the way Eddie had said them, eyes open wide and earnest, hand searing a hole into his shoulder, never once breaking contact with him in any regard.

Personal opinion: One of my favorite fics in this fandom

Roll Down This Unfamiliar Road by altschmerzes

Summary: The big 'welcome to the family, sorry I tried to shut you out of it' dinner at Eddie's winds down, and Chimney decides it's time for him - and Albert - to go home. But, as he stands there and looks at his kid brother, half dozing off sitting at Eddie's dining room table, Chimney finds himself frozen, plagued by sudden doubt. What if he's not cut out for this?

It's Buck, of all people, who's there with an answer.

Personal opinion: This is a Chimney-centric fic and it’s an absolutely gorgeous piece.

a diary highlighting dysfunction (adhd) by @evaneddie

Summary: adhd!buck - headcanons into loosely linked one shots

Personal opinion: I’ve just reread just now and wow... still amazing... chefs kiss

I still don’t know my heart by attolians @getbvcked

Summary: I am SEVERELY late for Evan Buckley Week so I rolled these prompts into one fic! • March 23rd - Day 1: “That’s my family.” + fluff • March 24th - Day 2: “Why are you naked?” + fun • March 25th - Day 3: “Please don’t close your eyes!” + hurt • March 26th - Day 4: “You want to marry me?” + love • March 27th - Day 5: “You’re a good liar.” + comfort • March 28th - Day 6: “I won’t let you do this.” + angst

Personal opinion: As I said before, we’re here living in 2020 while Amber’s living in 3020... The genius *chefs kiss*

(hurt) thy neighbor by autumnchills

Summary: “He’s armed,” is all he says into the phone before standing from his spot. He shoves his phone into his pocket and steps out, hands raised. Sure enough, the man has a gun pointed at him, but if he looks closely enough… Buck squints. Color him surprised. “Is that you—” “Don’t!” The man yells, jerking his hand with the gun aggressively. “Don’t you dare fucking say my name, Buckley.”

— In which things get bad fast when Buck's neighbor breaks into his apartment thinking that he isn't home.

Personal opinion: You need to read all of autumnchills’ work actually because guess what... chefs kiss!!!

(There’s) No Time Like The Present by NobodyKnows_U

Summary: "Marry me."

The words flew out of his mouth before he could fully comprehend what he was doing. It came out as a shaken whisper, but everything around seemed to go hopelessly silent. He's pretty sure he heard a few choked gasps but all he could focus on was Buck.

Or, Buck nearly dies saving a baby during a call and Eddie ends up asking Buck to marry him.

Personal opinion: I cried, this is just gorgeous.

5-4-3-2-1 by elisela

Summary: For all the times that Eddie has practiced getting into his turnout suit in record time, he never bothered figuring out how to get out of it just as fast. He would be regretting that if he could think about anything other than the fact that Buck went over the pier rail twenty-six seconds ago, and disappeared into the dark water seventeen seconds ago.

Personal opinion: The intensity... The talent... I’m speechless.

what a man gotta do? (to be your last good night and your first good day) by diazevan

Summary: He is gonna woo Eddie. He is gonna woo him so fucking hard that the other man has no other choice but to be his boyfriend and declare his eternal love for him. Buck is gonna be that good.

or

Buck is the best boyfriend and he doesn't even know it.

Personal opinion: Soft!! Cute!! I’m !!!!!!

Won’t Be Lost Forever by @lionheartedghost

Summary: “Bobby said you wouldn’t talk to him last time he came in.” The chair by the side of the bed scraped back against the linoleum. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” Buck opened his eyes. Eddie looked patiently back at him, passing a hospital canteen cup of coffee back and forth between his hands. “I won’t let you do this,” Eddie said when he didn’t answer, setting the paper cup on the little table beside him. “I won’t let you shut us out.”

Eddie helps Buck with his recovery following the ladder truck incident.Written for Evan Buckley Week, Day 6: "“I won’t let you do this.” + angst

Personal opinion: I’m overwhelmed by so much perfection what the hell

I also want to give a shout-out to @eddiedeaz because her fics for the Evan Buckley Week were, you guessed it, *chefs kiss*

#911 #911 fic #buddie #firefam #this took me forever but worth it #there's so much greatness in this fandom #please tell me if i messed up somewhere with the links or the usernames or the titles or anything #my post

[i-am-just-a-kiddo]

2020 content creator review

i was tagged by @vishcount as usual, thank you  💕  i answered the questions below the cut, and everyone that is tagged is there too, if you just wanna skip my ramblings and go straight down there.  (also gosh i hope all the links work rip)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020: 

this lan wangji oneshot, apparently. i can’t remember when i actually wrote it, but my ao3 tells me i posted it in january 2020. i remember i just wanted to explore lwj’s time of mourning and dive into his mind of that time, even if it made me eternally sad?

my most recent 2020 creation that is public, is the second chapter to this casmund/edmund character study fic i started writing in 2016. i did not expect to return to that but rewatching the narnia movies did that to me. i guess it’s one of those ever-returning fandoms

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020: 

my niemo (nie huaisang/mo xuanyu) fic, no question. diving into this, i fully knew that this pairing probably has a tiny audience and honestly, i did not expect to churn out 30k for them. god. am still suffering because why the fuck did i do that to myself (and everyone reading). thank you vishie for standing by me all the time.

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it: 

my historical taegi AU set in silla korea - i don’t think it’s actually a new style writing-wise, but it was an entirely different process of creating. i did a week of only research, diving into amounts of academic texts and sources to figure out my frame and setting. it was so much fun and in the end, with everything i learned, it felt like the fic was only just the ‘by-product’ of my research. though i must say, writing the story itself was challenging in a very different way, by that i mean that the characters made me furious and yet i had to write it like that cause i like to suffer :) 

as for gifset, am not sure? i can’t think of any so i am just linking the daechwita mv cause it’s iconic. i guess this mv is more joseon inspired, while my setting was silla somewhere between the end of 7th and beginning of 8th century; but it was the final straw to finally make me write that historical taegi au i always wanted to write with hwarang tae. also this mv inspired me to have yoongi as a tyrannical king cause why not amirite?

4. a creation to be proud of: 

my wei wuxian oneshot during burial mounds; i had a lot of fun writing him and projecting all my nightmares onto him. i went in without a plan and ended up with something i am actually quite proud of? it gave me so much space and room to just...pour out my words and not worry too much about anything else. 

5. a creation that took forever: 

my post-canon wangxian adventure or qinghe chaos, as i lovingly call it. i think i started writing it in november 2019? not entirely sure about that, i only know it took ages. i wanted to create a whole new political environment, as it takes place somewhere around 70 years after canon (they wanna be immortal, shut up) and it was fun thinking of new challenges and new obstacles that face the new generation of cultivators. unfortunately i did not have the capacity to write a full blown political conflict. that’s why i never really incorporated all my thoughts into the story itself, but hey, if anyone has questions i have notes (and vishie, once again, is the most blessed person to plot with me, ily)

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: 

am gonna measure this by kudos on ao3 in that case, which would be the aforementioned lwj oneshot Cold Moon, Long Nights Moon. I feel incredibly fond of it and i’m really happy that people liked it. it feels special somehow and i just want to thank everyone who read that and liked it.

7. a creation you think deserved more notes: 

oh i wrote many fics that year for smaller fandoms, which makes me grateful for every single feedback i received. i think i had hoped my previously mentioned historical AU would receive more, but it’s okay because i still loved it. 

another one is this princess sook myung/ah roh fic that i wrote for my ‘make hwarang gay again’ series. i finally finished this show and it furstrated me so much - the gay potential that went to waste, the horrendous writing for female characters. i liked the chemistry between ah roh and the princess, and yes i get it, it’s a rare pair and this fandom is kinda dead, but. the girls deserve their shine and love (though still, i am grateful for every single kudos i receive and i am still proud of it)

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: 

i joined many new fandoms this year for which i wrote, but i want to mention my shang xirui character study for winter begonia, because it was very interesting to explore that? and i had fun too, it was one of the first things i properly wrote after my hiatus, so i felt quite proud. also once again, this fandom has way too little content and the show is underrated. 

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart: 

i wanna mention two here. first is this wen ning & song lan oneshot that was a pure joy and also very sad to write. i just love these two so much, and i love them together even more. i have many thoughts how much comfort they could give each other and believe me, i have many more that i want to explore in the future. 

the second one is the mu nihuang & xiao jingyan oneshot i wrote for the nirvana in fire gift exchange 2020. it broke my heart, but at the same time it felt like something was healing too? it hurt at the pain both characters go through, but i also felt fond that maybe, they were not alone.

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: 

hmm there are a few, i mostly want to mention my fei liu character study? it has no plot or anything, it is just an exploration of his mind and thoughts, which was an absolute joy to write and somehow so easy. 

i also quite like the yyy series i started - maybe i can write more for these two because they somehow give me the feels.

11. a favorite creation created by someone else: 

alright here we go folks:

first i want to mention my dearest @vishcount because newsflash!!! i am the biggest fan. of course i need to mention your wondeful, stunning, breathtaking masterpiece that is your xicheng novel (and yes it is a novel, i say so). it is still ongoing and you started it in 2019, but i need to mention it here because it truly is something that is lifechanging. i feel so blessed that i get the front seats and vip access to all the updates, to all your thoughts and ideas. you go through a lot with it and i am never not proud of you ❤️ another one i want to mention is this wei wuxian & mo xuanyu oneshot you wrote for me because i am still crying about it. i have no words.  honourable mentions: your easter islanders (lan wangji and jiang cheng) and this xicheng soulmate au 

another creator i want to mention is @the-cloud-whisperer and their nirvana in fire fic Heroic Woman（烈婦） , which is absolutely wonderful.  i found you through your ATLA fics (which i adore) and saw you posting about nirvana in fire and this year, finally, i watched the show and was blown away. i love your other NIF fics too, but this one feels very special because i always thought li yang’s character was so incredibly fascinating. thank you for writing this 💕

for more other creations just look at my bookmarks on ao3, there is the untamed, nirvana in fire, yyy the series, hwarang, winter begonia and original sin (from 2020 and many more if you scroll further) please give everyone i mentioned love!!!!!

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate: 

oh boy here we go. once again @vishcount, @the-cloud-whisperer, @intyalote, @sassyassassy, @isabellaofparma, @passionpeachy, @finny-red, @guzhuangheaven  @honeyiling, @holmesandwhatson  @bloody-bee-tea, @leoyunxi, @gusucloud, @ohsehuns and many many more that must slip my mind.

all of you, consider yourself tagged in this game and even if we never spoke to each other, i greatly appreciate all of you and i want to give some love. if you feel like doing this, i hope you can have fun!  💕

#phew #another one done #all my usual suspects must be tired of me dfghj #but this is so lovely and fun #thanks dear #tag game #personal #2020 #writing

[bobbystompy]

My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids” 

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* -  though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion 

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end). 

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

#machine gun kelly #bts #selena gomez #hayley williams #the menzingers #rtj #run the jewels #the weeknd #the dirty nil #mac miller #mgk #juice wrld #phoebe bridgers #2020 #music #lists #taylor swift #sincere engineer #jay-z #sam russo #jay electronica #100 gecs #charli xcx #blink-182 #pup #travis barker #megan fox #billie eilish #soccer mommy #drake

[ckret2]

So I've been deeply pulled into the Radiosnake pairing bc of your fantastic writing! Problem is, now I have fic ideas but no knowledge of the Hazbin background. Can you tellI me where I can get more Hazbin info? I've only watched the pilot and read your stuff. I heard there were comics??

That is an excellent question anon, because right now it is really hard to get Hazbin background easily.

Okay, so, the canon info on Hazbin Hotel can be sort of sorted into four tiers, from most to least canon.

Tier 1: The Definitely Canon

There is, of course, the pilot. And then there is an Angel Dust prequel comic, only seven pages of which have been released so far. We’ve been told it’s gonna be finished and we’ve had glimpses of in-progress prequel comics for a couple other characters—most prominently Alastor’s and Charlie’s—but so far that unfinished Angel Dust comic is the only one that’s been officially released.

Finding the in-progress comic pages is... a challenge. Nobody, as far as I can tell, has been specifically collecting all of the pages we’ve seen so far. I was able to scrounge up:

Couple more Angel pages

some Alastor pages

another Alastor page

a random Alastor panel

another random Alastor panel—I’ve seen the full page of this before, Alastor goes “Hello ladies!” and they go “HELLO ALASTOR~<3″ but I can’t find the full page now

There’s a smattering more canon panels on the artist faustisse’s twitter, but I haven’t dug them all out, and some of the posts I’m gonna link in a lil bit have a glimpse of another panel.

If you haven’t already heard of Helluva Boss, I recommend looking into it as well. It’s a second series being created by the same folks, different cast of characters but set in the same version of Hell, so any canon details we learn in Helluva also apply to Hazbin.

Helluva’s pilot is here. Plus a cute music video here.

Earlier this month, during a BLM charity stream hosted by show artist Ashley Nichols—she runs regular streams under the title “HuniCast”—they released a few sneak peaks of future Helluva scenes, all compiled here.

And that’s it for canon. Two pilots, a music video, a smattering of future scenes, part of one comic, a few WIP pages/panels from other comics.

Tier 2: Pseudo-Canon

Everything else we currently know about Hazbin (and Helluva) are things that the creators have told us. Consequently, they’re all pseudo-canon—and likely subject to change in the future as the shows and comics are further developed and released. Some details that were released/described in the past have been contradicted at other times, or else radically changed by the time the pilot came out.

(For example, when Alastor was first created years and years ago as an OC with no plans for Hazbin, he was a demon deer who could shapeshift into a human shape—now he’s a demonized human with a few deer traits. And Charlie and Cherri Bomb used to look very different.)

So until and unless they make it into canon, all these pseudo-canon details are subject to change and should be taken with a grain of salt—but, they also comprise most of what we know about the characters’ backstory and the as-yet-unaired characters.

Pseudo-canon info on Hazbin is scattered mainly between two sources: the creators’ twitter accounts, and livestreams where they take questions and talk about the making of the show. If you and livestreams do not get along (my ADHD and livestreams do not get along), or if you don’t want to wade years and years back into twitter accounts to dig up every scrap of info on the characters the creators have ever mentioned, collating all the pseudo-canon info is gonna be hard. (It’s gonna be hard even if you do want to sit through the streams and dig through all their tweets.) Lots of fans, me included, depend on the absolutely heroic work of various fans who are willing and able to watch hours-long streams and collate a list of canon factoids released during the streams. I’ve reblogged as many of these posts as I’ve been able to find:

Alastor’s sound design (on twitter)

Alastor's Sound Design (post I made with screenshots of weird—but very interesting—subtitles slipped into the aforementioned video)

Sir Pentious and Cherri Bomb’s sound design

Niffty and Husk’s sound design

Charlie, Katie, and Tom’s sound design

Intro song’s sound design

Happy Hotel’s sound design

details from Faustisse (including a pic of a couple costume designs. Most of these posts come from zatyrlucy, who’s been doing a fantastic job of going stream-by-stream to get lists of details from the regular streams by Ashley Nichols and by comic artist Faustisse.)

more details from Faustisse (including a pic of the Von Eldritch family dining room)

Faustisse 3 (better look at that table)

Dollymoon’s Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART ONE (Shoutout again to dollymoon for compiling these, we’ve never spoken but I am eternally grateful for this service. Dollymoon’s posts are THE single most reliable compilation of Hazbin Hotel’s nebulous pseudo-canon facts that I have found to date, including both links to the sources and timestamps where applicable. Dollymoon’s URL has changed since making this post so the “read more” link doesn’t work but the “source” or “reblogged from” links direct correctly to the new blog. Incidentally, the risk of other blog creators deleting their blogs/posts or changing their URLs is why in info posts like these, I always link to my own reblogs rather than their original posts—their original posts might vanish without warning, but I know I ain’t gonna delete my posts, so these links will still work in the future.)

Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART TWO

Hazbin Hotel Facts - PART THREE

Faustisse 4

HuniCast - Australian Wildlife Relief charity stream

I think this was a faustisse stream (the original source deleted these posts, so the comic pages that were originally behind that read more cut are now gone.)

Faustisse stream 6?

And those are all the masterposts of factoids I’ve managed to collect. If anyone has more masterposts, chuck ‘em at me.

Even this isn’t all the knowledge that’s been released about the show. The posts that dig the farthest back are Dollymoon’s, and even they don’t comprehensively cover all of Hazbin’s production. A couple of these characters, Vivziepop created as a teenager, so there’s some truly ancient concept art floating around out there that will have details that probably aren’t canon anymore... but might still be until something happens to actively contradict them.

Tier 3: The Wiki

The wiki is kind of an absolute mess. It’s a chaotic blend of things actually seen in the pilots/comic, things mentioned at some point in some stream somewhere, and wild fan speculation based on what they headcanon as plausible based on the above, all mixed together with very little indication for which is canon, pseudo-canon, fanon, or speculation. Most of the statements on the wiki don’t have citations.

(And, on top of that, half the main characters’ info gets split up into separate tabs instead of just having a normal-ass wiki page, AND their image galleries are on COMPLETELY SEPARATE pages that are linked to in one of the tabs, and the most important characters all have TWO SEPARATE GALLERIES. Which doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of the facts hidden underneath those tabs, but nevertheless drives me up the wall.)

Some things on the wiki were added according to info released so long ago it’s probably changed by now. Some are possibilities that got reported as facts. Other things on the wiki have unambiguously changed, or else are just flat-out incorrect. (For instance, at this moment Alastor’s page still lists him as an overlord, even though it's been confirmed that Alastor is not an overlord despite his power level because he isn’t interested in and didn’t pursue that position, per this stream. For a little bit, somebody’s fanart of their headcanon human Alastor got added to the wiki as concept art.)

tl;dr: the wiki should never be trusted as a primary source. The wiki’s better than it used to be. Even so, at this time, it’s only trustworthy to fill in the gaps of what you already know is true from other, better sources.

The thing it’s good at is it more or less compiles all the known info all in one place. Trying to figure out who the hell this Vox guy is is really hard if you’re reading for mentions of him in compilations of a dozen different streams, much less if you’re trying to comb through those dozen streams yourself, plus a dozen more, plus three different artists’ twitters. In comparison, it’s really easy to, say, just go look at Vox’s wiki page, where all the trivia is compiled. (And Vox’s page is actually one of the better cited on the wiki. Look at all those numbers!)

So, if you need to find out who this character is you’ve never heard of before, if you want to see a full list of the thus far named characters, if you don’t remember whether Alastor likes coffee or tea, if you want to know what Angel’s twin sister looks like, if you need a reminder of Sir Pentious’s death year... check the wiki. It’s an okay starting point.

But, if you see a “fact” on the wiki that you yourself don’t remember from straight out of the pilot, and it doesn’t have a citation that links to a tweet or a stream... regard it suspiciously. And do not trust it unquestioningly as fact until and unless you have seen the source.

Tier 4: Noncanon Creator Shitposting

I’ve mentioned Ashley’s HuniCast streams a couple times. The biggest draw of them is that she usually gets several of the voice actors in the streams, where they’ll happily say nonsense in their character voices. For the most part, they’re not sharing any actual canon info they’ve been given on their characters, just goofing around pretending to be their characters. Nevertheless, a lot of the things that happen in streams get accepted as broad fandom headcanons, like Alastor being into dad jokes. (My favorite, for obvious reasons, is this one.)

It’s easy to find the source audio for all this wonderful nonsense by searching youtube for “HuniCast highlights,” and then rummaging around for animatics people make out of the audio. The only one noncanon video of this sort I can think of that didn’t originally come from HuniCast is a lone one from Alastor’s singing voice (who’s a different voice actor than his speaking voice).

So, obviously, none of these are canon. But they do come from some of the people actually involved in the creation of the show, and they are in the characters’ canon voices, so a whole lot of people treat them as semi-canon anyway. (Even the wiki lists “dad jokes” among Alastor’s likes, which to my knowledge hasn’t come up anywhere except for HuniCast streams.) Since they’re so broadly-known, they’re worth knowing about as important sources of fanon, even if you don’t want to adopt them into your own headcanons. They’re basically the same level of canon as blooper reels.

#anonymous #ask #hazbin hotel #reference #helluva boss

[sesamestreep]

stack the deck with wild cards (chapter 6)

(read on AO3)

(start from the beginning)

SUMMARY: One year later... 

A/N: Here is the epilogue for my Obvious Child AU, which might be dorky but I really wanted to write some fluff to cap the whole thing off. Still mild content warnings for abortion and pregnancy here, so please check the AO3 link if you need more info on that. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude for the response this fic has gotten, everyone has been so lovely, and I want y’all to know how much it means to me. It may be September but you’re all my Valentines.

Jyn wakes up alone, which is surprising. It’s Saturday, so Cassian doesn’t have to work and he normally sleeps in like a teenager on the weekends, a habit she’d found hilarious at first. She would have figured him for an early riser, always up at the crack of dawn to work on some project or other, but more often than not, she’s up before him, sketching in bed until he finally wakes up. It was endearing, really, especially after she’d spent so much time thinking he was this perfectly responsible adult, to realize he had quirks just like anyone else, and not just the saintly or admirable kind, like how he can never leave his job at the office or how invested he gets in local elections no one else has even heard of. Being alone in bed on the weekend is unusual for her now that she's adjusted to his habits, though, and when she checks the clock on the bedside table, it’s only just past nine, which elevates this situation from weird to concerning. Even if he’s awake at this hour, he’s never out of bed by now. She throws off the covers and immediately regrets it when the cold air hits her all at once. Cassian better have a good reason for making her get out of bed to look for him, because she’d much rather stay under the cocoon of blankets all day.

For all Jyn’s concern, the mystery of his whereabouts is easily solved. She can hear him tinkering around in the kitchen before she turns the corner and sees him standing there, measuring flour into a mixing bowl. There’s ingredients scattered in front of him, and a container of strawberries sitting open on the part of the counter Jyn leans her hip against to watch him. She can smell coffee brewing too.

“Good morning,” she says, smiling at him.

He must be truly distracted, because he actually jumps at the sound of her voice. Normally, he’s pretty difficult to startle. “Jyn,” he says, like he’s somehow surprised to find her in his apartment. “You’re up early.”

“Not as early as you,” she replies. “What’s all this?”

“Uh, it’s…nothing.”

“Try again.”

Cassian sighs, defeated. “It’s for you. Well, it’s for us. For our anniversary.”

“What?”

“I was going to make you breakfast for our anniversary. It was going to be a surprise, but you woke up earlier than I expected.”

“It’s not our anniversary,” Jyn says, flatly.

He looks at her with concern. “Yes, it is,” he says, carefully. “We started dating a year ago.”

“That can’t be true. It can’t be a year already.”

“Well, it’s pretty easy to remember, since our anniversary is Valentine’s Day.”

Jyn groans and buries her face in her hands. “I’m the worst girlfriend in the history of the world.”

“That’s not true.”

“I forgot our anniversary and Valentine’s Day, Cassian! That’s awful!”

“I should have reminded you,” he says, like this is his fault somehow. “I just got caught up with the idea of surprising you with breakfast and I didn’t want to spoil it.”

“I’m so sorry.”

He waves her apology away stiffly. “It’s okay. Really. You told me you weren’t into Valentine’s Day when we started dating. I didn’t expect anything.”

“I didn’t even know you counted today as our anniversary!”

“When else would it be?”

Jyn gestures emphatically at nothing in particular. “I don’t know, maybe not the day I got an abortion?”

“But that was our first date.”

“Most people wouldn’t find that romantic.”

“Most people would be wrong, then,” he says with a shrug, as he continues measuring out flour. “I thought it was very romantic.”

Jyn thinks back to that day, which was somehow a year ago. It feels simultaneously like it just happened and like it’s been an eternity since then. She thinks about Cassian bringing her flowers and holding her hand in the cab on the way to her appointment, about him keeping her calm in the waiting room by attempting a crossword in People Magazine that he clearly knew none of the answers to and asking for her help with all of them, and about him telling her later that he’d passed the time during her procedure by answering emails on his phone until his supervisor called and yelled at him for working when he’d called out for the day. She remembers him getting them a cab back to her place, even though she was still a little out of it from the anesthesia at the time, and that he made them tea in her tiny kitchen before convincing her to watch ‘The Sound of Music’ for the first time because it was his go-to sick day movie ever since he was a kid.

(She found out later that it’s actually his grandmother’s favorite movie because apparently Captain Von Trapp reminds her of her late husband, or so she told Cassian when he was a kid. She was always the one who stayed with him if he was home sick from school, because both his parents still had to go to work, which is how her favorite movie became his sick day movie, but it took him having a nasty head cold three months into them dating before he admitted any of this to Jyn. Until then, she just thought he really liked musicals).

She also remembers falling asleep after maybe thirty minutes of the movie, even though she really wanted to stay awake because Cassian had seemed so excited for her to see it. She drifted off to the feeling of him brushing his fingers gently through her hair and, when she woke up, it was the next morning and she was in her bed, which meant he’d carried her there from the couch and she’d been asleep the whole time, which was just unfair. He did have the good sense not to try to be chivalrous with her by sleeping on the floor or, worse, on the couch, so at least she’d gotten to wake up next to him, a pleasure she’d missed out on the first time they’d hooked up, when she’d fled immediately afterwards to avoid the very intimacy she found herself enjoying that day.

“You’re right,” she says, now, wrapping her arms around his middle. “It was romantic.”

Cassian lifts his arm to make room for her and then drapes it around her shoulders to pull her in closer. “But if you’d rather use a different day for our anniversary, we can. These can just be Valentine’s Day waffles.”

“You’re making me waffles?!”

“Yes?” He replies, sounding wary, like he’s afraid he’s done something wrong. She shouldn’t have yelled. That was probably confusing for him.

“God, I love you,” she says, pulling him down for a kiss that’s meant to be quick but then she gets distracted because kissing him is still so much fun, even though she can do it whenever she wants now.

“They’re not—that hard—to make,” he says, or tries to, between kisses. He seems like he might try to argue the point further, which Jyn absolutely doesn’t want to happen, so she slips her tongue into his mouth and deepens their kiss, making him groan in a way she recognizes as a sound of defeat. A moment later, he throws his arms around her waist and lifts her up onto the counter, narrowly avoiding knocking over the mixing bowl in the process.

She parts her legs so he can step in between them and smiles when he kisses her again. This is the thing they’ve always been good at, even before they were dating. She had worried (clearly unnecessarily) that putting a label on it, being serious and exclusive, would ruin this, but if anything, it’s only gotten better with time. The efforts she’d made to keep him at a distance during their first time together only seemed more and more foolish as she got to know him better and saw the lengths he went to in order to satisfy her and make her happy.

Her initial proposal, when they finally got their shit together and started dating, was for them to take things slow—at least, emotionally. When it came to their physical relationship, the doctor had told her she could have sex again as soon as she felt ready, which only took about a week after the abortion. Cassian was, of course, trying to be careful about it, not wanting to rush her when she’d been so clear about needing to ease her way back into dating. His gentlemanly willpower held out a little longer than she expected, leading Jyn to unapologetically sabotage their second attempt at a movie night together by making out with him the whole time and they’d ended up having sex right there on the couch. She can’t even remember what movie they were trying to watch that night.

Then again, sex had always been the easy part for them; it was everything else that was tricky. Jyn’s rules—don’t put a label on it, don’t call it a relationship, just take things slow—had worked wonders in the beginning, but the longer they dated, the more it was clear they needed to call this something . Jyn was surprised to find the idea didn’t terrify her as much as it once had and it only took one long weekend where Cassian was laid out by an awful cold and she made him (store bought and microwaved) soup while finally seeing ‘The Sound of Music’ all the way through (several times, in fact) before she realized that, whether she admitted it to herself or not, she was in a serious relationship. When Cassian finally recovered, he thanked her a little too profusely for taking care of him, and Jyn had been so flustered by his praise that she’d blurted out that she loved him before she could talk herself out of it. She would have been much more embarrassed if his face hadn’t lit up with the most beautiful smile as soon as she said it, and if he hadn’t kissed her senseless a moment later, saying he loved her too whenever they came up for air.

She doesn’t tell him now that, if she had to pick a date for their anniversary, it would be then, the day she finally got over herself and told him she loved him. Because that would be sappy and embarrassing and also his idea seems much easier to remember for next year, anyway.

“I’m going to make this up to you,” she says, against his mouth, as his hands are creeping up under her t-shirt.

Cassian laughs. “Are you going to get me one of those giant stuffed bears from Duane Reade with the hearts that say ‘I Love You Bear-y Much’ on them?”

“If that’s what you want,” Jyn says, pulling back to look at him quizzically. “I was just going to let you fuck me on the kitchen counter, but it’s up to you.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”

“Oh my god, you’d rather have the bear, wouldn’t you?”

“No,” he says, burying his face in her shoulder. “I already know you love me bear-y much. I don’t need anything to remind me.”

Jyn swats at him half-heartedly. “Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s just…this is where we prepare our food. It doesn’t feel sanitary to, well, you know…”

“Are you telling me that—on our anniversary of all days—you’d rather have boring, normal sex instead of weird, potentially unsanitary sex in the kitchen that you share with a roommate and where you’re currently preparing a meal?”

Cassian nods, looking like he’s putting on a contrite expression just for her sake. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, yes. Although, I don’t know if concern for Bodhi should even merit a mention. We both know he barely lives here anymore.”

Jyn does her best not to react to that, even though she knows Cassian is right. Bodhi is away for the weekend with Taidu and she’s fairly sure one or both of them are going to broach the topic of moving in together finally, since Bodhi spends most nights at Taidu’s studio apartment anyway, because it grants him access to a dog while also allowing him to spend more time alone with his boyfriend that he loves. If they move in together, though, that leaves Cassian without a roommate, which means he and Jyn will probably have to have a conversation about where their relationship is going.

It’s sooner than she’d normally consider even the possibility of moving in with someone, but she barely tolerates her current roommate as it is and, more importantly, she could see herself living with Cassian. It’s almost too easy to picture. Before, with Reece, they’d hit the two-year mark and she’d told herself that living together was the next logical step but it hadn’t been because she’d truly wanted it. It was just something people in relationships were supposed to do when they’d been together that long. Now, though, their circumstances might necessitate the conversation, but her excitement outweighs her feeling of obligation. It doesn’t stop her from being terrified that Cassian will think it’s too soon and she’ll scare him off, though, but they can burn that bridge when they get to it. There’s nothing to worry about until Bodhi comes home with news.

“And besides,” Cassian continues, interrupting her thoughts, “I wouldn’t call it boring to have sex with my beautiful girlfriend in our soft bed on our anniversary. That’s basically the dream.”

“Sap,” Jyn says, poking his cheek with her index finger and ignoring the way her heart races at how he thinks of the bed as theirs . “Can we at least bring the strawberries with us? Or is that too wild for you?”

“What are they gonna do, watch?”

“No, dumbass, we’re going to eat them. You know… sensually .”

“You can just admit you’re hungry,” he says, planting a kiss on her forehead.

“That too,” she says, smiling. He hands her the carton before he unceremoniously lifts her off the counter. She thinks he’s going to put her down at first, but he seems content to carry her all the way back to the bedroom. She makes an inelegant noise of surprise when he tosses her on the bed, which just makes him laugh in response.

“What? I thought you were worried our sex life was getting boring,” he says, unapologetically proud of himself.

She tosses the strawberries onto the side table, so her hands are free to grab him by the front of his shirt and pull him in for a kiss. “I promise I’m going to remember our anniversary next year,” she says, as he settles on top of her. “You’re not going to be able to move for Duane Reade bears.”

She expects him to smile at that, to laugh it off and kiss her again, but instead he stills. His eyes search her face as his hand comes to cup her cheek. “Next year?” He asks, his tone careful.

Jyn feels her heartbeat stutter in her chest—the old nerves and worries haven’t abandoned her completely, after all—but she still manages a smile before she leans in and kisses him again. “Next year,” she says, firmly. She can’t be sure, of course, but she has faith they’ll make it.

#rebelcaptain #jyn erso #cassian andor #rogue one #stack the deck verse #obvious child #obvious child AU #star wars #pregnancy #pregnancy tw #abortion #abortion tw #my fic #my writing #anyway here's wonderwall #otp: built on hope #otp: your mother and i have been together ever since #yes i am imagining that summary in the spongebob narrator voice thank you for asking #in conclusion REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS FOR EVERYBODY!!!

[bodytoflame-ao3]

born for this // two

a series of moments in the life of one lyra jackson-chase

read from the beginning // AO3 Link

v //

“She’s crying again, Percy.” Annabeth yawns, refusing to open her eyes. No one told her she’d still be waking up in the middle of the night with a one year old.

He kisses her forehead, and rolls off the bed. “I got it.”

She thinks about how lucky she is — to have him; to have this beautiful part of both of them. The thoughts calm her — she’s almost back to sleep when she hears a thud, jolting upright and alert immediately. “What is it?”

“Sorry,” Percy rushes to her side, “I just stubbed my toe.”

“No monsters?”

“No monsters, Annabeth.” At least not tonight. “Everything’s okay.”

And it is, for a little while.

vi //

They do come. Once, twice; as she gets older, they lose count. Sometimes they’re real, sometimes they’re not.

“Daddy.” Percy can barely see Lyra rubbing her eyes in the shadow of the doorframe, tottering over to his side of the bed, only illuminated by the moonlight and light pollution.

He whispers, trying not to wake Annabeth (as he knows it’s hard enough for her to get to sleep once), “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Monsters.”

It’s silent, save for the ever-present hum of the city that his ears have learned to regard as background noise. There’s no monsters tonight.

“C’mere.” He scoops her up, tucking her in tight under the covers in the middle of their bed. “You just had a bad dream.”

vii //

Tonight, it’s gorgons. It’s nothing they haven’t dealt with before, and it won’t be the last time, but after he’s stowed Riptide back in his pocket, Percy feels an intense wave of exhaustion roll over him. It feels like he’s just going through the motions, fight after fight; living each day wondering if they’ll get any sleep. 

“Annabeth.” Percy’s hand ghosts over her shoulder blade, seeing the rapidly forming bruise peeking out of her tank top. She winces. “Sorry.”

She turns to face him, taking his hand, “It’s okay. I love you.” It’s going to hurt, and she knows that — but it’s better than the pain she would feel seeing her daughter get hurt. She could get a paper cut, or a splinter, or some other normal kid injury, and Annabeth would have to hold back tears just to bandage her up. This pain is as familiar as her own skin, and she knows how to deal with it. So she will.

Percy squeezes her hand softly, and kisses her cheek. “I love you.” Just saying it brings a sense of peace to his tired body.

“I’m gonna go make sure she’s okay.” If they’re lucky, she’s fallen back asleep. If not...

Lyra runs straight to her, towing a blanket draped over her head, and clings to Annabeth’s leg, crying. She must’ve had a real scare.  

“It’s okay. It’s gone.” Annabeth scoops her up, and holds her close, fingers threaded through soft brown curls. “You’re safe now.”

Lyra’s sniffles grow quieter; more infrequent as she calms in her mother’s arms. “Gone?”

“All gone, baby. I promise.” She lays her down into her bed, tucking her tightly into a sea of blankets.

Annabeth sings her to sleep, and as Percy stands in the doorway, still brushing dirt off his clothes, he thinks it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.

She gets up, smiling when she notices him, and the awed look on his face, “What?”

“I never knew you could sing like that. Thirteen years and I never knew how beautiful your voice is.”

Annabeth has no idea how to respond. All she knows for sure is how eternally grateful she is for him, and the life they’ve built together; and they’re safe, and alive, and happy, most of the time, and that’s all that matters. So she wraps her arms around him, strong and tight, and tries to hold back the tears that threaten to come. They both cry for everything they still don’t know.

viii //

“I hope you realize, this is extremely unprecedented.”

“You’re telling me we’re the only demigod couples to ever have kids?” Piper raises an eyebrow.

“Not the only, but one of the few.” Chiron pauses, leaving it to them to come to a conclusion as to why. It’s not something they want to dwell on. “And certainly not any of such… heritage.” He glances toward Percy and Jason. “When you all were born you received half of each parent’s DNA — in your case, half god, half mortal. The same principles apply to your children. With the way we’ve seen their powers develop already, at such young ages, I believe Calliope and Lyra may have a greater percentage of godly blood. I can’t say with any certainty just how much or from who — I’m sure we’ll see their powers grow with time — but I fear this is going to put them in danger. There’s a prophecy—”

“No,” Percy says, firm, “I don’t want to hear about another fucking prophecy.”

Annabeth smooths her hand against his back. “Percy…”

“I won’t let her grow up the same way we did.” His voice cracks as he finishes his sentence, trying to hide how upset the idea makes him.

She holds him closer. “I know.”

Chiron continues, “I’m afraid there’s not much I can tell you. It’s incredibly vague, as these things tend to be. A warning of descendants of powerful gods from two sides.”

“You thought it was us,” Jason says, “Percy and me. That’s why you wanted to see us.”

“Correct. It seems, though…”

“They shouldn’t see each other.” Annabeth juts in, quiet. “Lyra can already spill her sippy cups when she’s upset, and Piper’s seen Callie make people’s hair stand on end. That’s not a good combination.”

Piper looks like she’s about to speak up, but Jason takes her hand. “She’s probably right. It’s too dangerous.” She knows it is. It doesn’t make it any harder. When she found out Annabeth was pregnant all she could think about was how wonderful it would be to watch them grow up alongside each other.

“I want to hear it,” Piper says, loud and clear, demanding. “The prophecy.”

ix //

“Fuck,” Percy swears, wincing.

“Stay still.” She threads the needle between the edges of the laceration with a steady hand. It’s like her brain completely shuts off, its only directive to stitch him back together. “You wouldn’t be sitting here if you’d listened when I said to double back.” She know she sounds bitter, but her words are so disconnected from her thoughts, they feel foreign in her mouth.

“I thought I had enough time.”

“Percy,” she warns, “Don’t scare me like that. When you get overconfident you get reckless. You know that.” I know. I do too.

“I know, but— ow —if we get sloppy that’s just putting her in danger.”

Annabeth pauses, tying the last stitch off without another word. The silence doesn’t last long. “Maybe we should tell her.” It all feels selfish, like she's a bad mom just for thinking it. They’re her parents — it’s their job to protect her, not the other way around. But it’s painful to keep fighting, after so many years. “I wouldn’t have to worry about losing you like this. We could take her somewhere safe.”

“Annabeth… She’s 6. I don’t want her to have to carry that weight until it’s absolutely necessary.” This little girl is everything to him. He sees so much of himself in her, and every second they have to talk about the prophecy, it hurts him.

Annabeth stays silent; he’s right, even if she doesn’t want to say it out loud. And she hurts, too. So she nods — she never wanted to lie to her, ever. But this is too much to put on the shoulders of a child. One just as little as she was. She wishes someone would’ve considered that when she was young.

x //

“Are you two coming up for lunch anytime soon?” Annabeth rolls her eyes, standing at the edge of the lake. “It’s been half an hour.”

Percy surfaces, Lyra right behind him, giggling profusely.

“Did Daddy say something funny?” She raises an eyebrow, glaring at Percy.

“Daddy talks to the fish.” It sounds more like fith. She smiles wide, a toothy grin showing off her missing front teeth.

“Great,” she stares right into his soul, trying not to let on the slight bit of amusement it brings her, “She thinks you’re crazy.”

A tenet of her limited attention span, Lyra starts playing with her powers, splashing about, seemingly not paying any attention to their conversation.

He protests, “She just figured out the bubble thing, I had to show her something new!”

“And does she understand them, Percy?”

His face falls. “Uh. No. I see your point,” he laughs. It seemed she hadn’t inherited that particular power from him. “She’s pretty amused by this, though.”

Tens of tiny blobs of water circle her, weaving around Percy, up into the air, and back into the lake.

“It took you a long time to be able to do stuff that precise,” Annabeth notes, wading into the water up to her ankles and handing him a sandwich from her bag.

“Yeah. It did.”

xi //

“How come you never told me about this?”

“Because it’s scary.”

“I can handle scary.”

Annabeth sighs, “I heard the Great Prophecy for the first time when I was your age.” It kept her awake with nightmares far too often, knowing she’d eventually be a part of it — which is why she’s so reluctant to tell these things to Lyra, despite knowing how important it is that she knows. “I spent two years waiting for a sign until I finally got one. He was annoying, and dense, and the son of my mother’s biggest rival. And then he was my friend — my best friend. Someone who was loyal to me no matter what. I wouldn’t change that for the world.” Not when it’s brought her here. “But we had to make a lot of hard decisions. And I—” She shakes her head. “I know you don’t completely understand.” Annabeth never intended her to. “I need you to know that it’s not always going to be easy.”

xii //

“I’m 11 now,” Lyra states, with an air of unparalleled confidence, “I can keep secrets.”

“Hey,” Percy says, patting her back, “We trust you. It’s just a big change.”

She crosses her arms. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“That also means you can’t use your powers,” Annabeth says, handing Lyra her lunchbox.

“I know.” You told me. Many times.

Annabeth kisses her cheek, pretending she doesn’t see her dramatically wipe her face off with the back of her hand mere seconds later. “Okay. I love you. Tell me all about it later.”

Percy walks her out the door, and down to the subway stop. They stand, and wait. “So, middle school. Kind of a big deal?” He sure thought so.

“I guess,” she shrugs. “I’m excited to make friends.” It’s the one thing that sucked about being homeschooled. She knows, as they’ve told her so many times, it was for her protection, because she never was able to completely control her powers as a kid. But the only kids she’s ever really known otherwise are other demigods; and what fleeting interactions she had with them while visiting Camp. And they weren’t like her, not really.

Percy reaches out his arms as the car doors open, beckoning her for a hug. She wraps her arms as far as they’ll reach around him, as tight as she can. So he holds her close against his chest for as long as he knows the doors will remain open, “You got this.”

xiii //

“Keep your feet apart. Knees bent.” Annabeth instructs her, feet firmly planted in the grass, beckoning for Lyra to follow.

Lyra clutches the sword, an iron-clad grip Annabeth recognizes from when she was this age — still too young to fully understand the weight of what she was doing, but old enough to feel the fear that came with the inherent danger of every battle she fought. “Loosen your grip.” Lyra follows, feeling the handle bounce with her new stance. “There you go.”

“Now remember, be ready to move. Stay on the balls of your feet.” That got her last time. And it had plagued Annabeth many times — feeling frozen, for even with a plan, there were so many unpredictable variables within combat.

Lyra nods, and takes a tentative swing, blocked by Annabeth. She staggers back, preparing a counterattack. Her blade catches against Lyra’s before she even gets close. “Good. Nice block,” Annabeth says, directing Lyra’s sword away with her sheer strength. “Now try for a hit.”

“You’re too quick.” Lyra breathes heavily, clearly intensely focused and growing weary. She blocks again, against her advice.

“No, you’re doing great. Keep going.” Annabeth encourages her, gearing up to test her reflexes. “Find an opening.”

She almost takes Annabeth by surprise; going on the offensive with such short notice. Her swing aims low, and Annabeth has to think quick, readjusting her stance to block the incoming blow. “You’re getting really good at this.”

Lyra sighs, her sword swinging at her side. “Thanks.”

xiv //

“Zeph! Lemme in!” Lyra’s voice sounds over the intercom, and he buzzes her up.

“Why is it always my place?” Zephyr asks, opening the door right as she’s about to knock.

“Our apartment is tiny,” Lyra shrugs, squeezing past him in the doorway. And we have a truly impressive stash of weaponry in the coat closet which I’d rather not have to explain.

“So. Graduation’s only a few weeks away.” he says. “Are you excited? For high school?”

“I don’t know. I guess.” It doesn’t seem like that big of a change. Same kinds of classrooms, cinderblock hallways; the usual cliques and groups. The same tendencies of teachers to constantly breathe down her neck about assignments and paying attention, despite her accommodations. She sinks into the couch, feeling the relief of taking her backpack off.

“That doesn’t seem very enthusiastic.”

“I just hate the drama. Did you see what they did to Jenna Thompson the other day?”

“Jenna hates you, Ly,” he laughs.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean she deserves to get gum stuck in her hair,” Lyra mumbles, hugging her knees into a ball. Sure, she’s a menace and has never said a single nice word to Lyra, but she doesn’t wish ill on her for it. Everyone’s got their own shit, bullies included, and she’s trying her best to ignore it. Plus, she already got what she deserved.

“She called you—”

Her head snaps up to stare at him. “I know what she called me, I don’t need to hear it from you too.”

“Sorry. I just… I don’t understand how you can…” he sighs, “It just makes me so angry I—”

“Let’s just. Talk about something else.” She takes a deep breath, shifting the topic. “How’d you do on your finals?”

“Pretty good. Got straight B’s. Bombed the English essay though. And you know I killed that science project. So yeah, average all around.”

“As if you would ever get anything less than an A+. How’s the tomato plants?” He’s always liked gardening. Especially to bring a cold, industrial apartment to life. And of course it’d earn him an A — he knew how to take care of them, even in such a cramped space.

“Just picked ‘em yesterday. You ever had homemade ketchup?”

Her eyes widen. “No. You better have some left!”

“Of course I do. Meanwhile, I’m guessing you aced everything—”

“Except math,” they say, at the same time, bursting into laughter.

“Yeah. You know me.”

“Sure do.” He grabs a plate from the kitchen, setting it down on the coffee table. “All homegrown. I present to you, gourmet french fries and ketchup.”

She tastes it. “That’s… amazing.”

“You know you only like me for the food.”

“You’re gonna be on some Top Chef shit, or something,” she chuckles, imagining it. “And not true!”

“Yeah, you’re gonna miss me this summer. But especially the food.”

“I wish you didn’t have to visit your mom all summer.”

Zeph sighs. “I know. But it’ll be over before you know it.”

xv //

“I can’t do this, Percy. I can’t keep pretending this is okay. It’s getting worse. They’re getting stronger. We can’t keep doing this.”

“Annabeth,” he sighs, and she can hear the sheer exhaustion in his voice. “We have to.”

“And what happens if we get seriously hurt?” I can’t lose you. Her body aches, scrapes and bruises staining a fair amount of her skin, even with the ambrosia. She feels defeated, and battered. And there’s only so much she can hide with long sleeves and pants. It’s been a week of fending off monsters everywhere she goes, sometimes without their help; it hurts them to see the marks on her body from fighting.

“Better us than her.”

She doesn’t disagree, but it’s more than that. She can’t lose us. “Percy, look at me.” He does. “You know what we have to do.”

He sighs, staring out the window to study the city skyline. “I just thought we had more time.”

“It’s longer than either of us had,” Annabeth reminds him.

Percy lets the concept of two more years sink in, and it hits him hard. Two more years of normalcy. Of not fighting for his life. “Okay. But... let her have her birthday.” It’s the least he can do when there’s so much anxiety centered around his own. She deserves a day for herself.

“Okay.” Annabeth echoes, quieter. “Come here?” He slides into bed and wraps his arms tightly around her; stubble pricking at her neck as he curls up closer. She fits so perfectly into his embrace, like the curves of her body were made to fit against him. Like he was made to hold her.

“She’ll be alright.” She has to be.

Part Three

#fic #percabeth #annabeth chase #percy jackson #pjo #pjo fic #made #born for this

[kohanayaki]

Caught in the Middle (Steve Harrington x Reader x Billy Hargrove) Ch 4

Links: Ch 1   Ch 2   Ch 3  Ch 4  Ch 5  Ch 6  Ch 7

_____________________________________________________

Ch 4 .:A Date?:.

Sunlight streamed in through your window, ribbons of light cascading across your bed sheets. You could hear the faint sound of birds chirping as the morning greeted you.

And you felt like complete and utter shit. 

You groaned, your head pounding, as you tried to block out some of the light with your pillow. You'd gotten home last night at 2:00 on the dot, feeling fine. In fact, you even caught up on some homework before you went to sleep. Now you just felt like you'd been hit by a truck.

You looked over at the time, reluctantly getting out of bed when you saw how late in the morning it was. The kids were biking over in half an hour to go to the mall and you looked like hell.

You padded down the hallway, mustering up a weak laugh when you saw your brother passed out in his room, knowing he'd probably wake up to the same fate as you. 

As you made your way downstairs the smell of breakfast food made your stomach rumble on instinct. You were 'hydrated' plenty last night, but there wasn't much actual food. Your eyes lit up as you rounded the corner and saw your dad plating up some eggs, bacon, and pancakes. He grinned as he saw you, setting the plate down on the table in front of you. 

“And how is my daughter doing this fine morning?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Swell,” you said sarcastically.

He laughed, walking over to the cabinet to get you some Tylenol and a glass of water. 

“Trust me, I know the feeling,” he said, “I can't really say anything on this one, I'd be lying if I said I haven't done worse when I was your age. That hangover is punishment enough. Just drink water throughout the day, and go on and eat something greasy while you're at the mall too. But get your blood sugar up right now, I don't want you back in that car until your head's clear, you understand?”

“Will do,” you said, already stuffing your face, “Thanks, dad.”

“You're welcome,” he smiled, “Love you, drive safe.”

“Love you too,” you said through a mouthful of bacon. 

As he retreated back into his office you savored the taste of the feast he made for you. You smiled fondly as you did. Your dad didn't really cook until he became a single parent. When he took on the full responsibility of raising you and your brother, he tried his best to fill your mom's role, following the old recipe books she'd left behind. His first attempts were a general health hazard, but as time went on he actually turned out to be a great cook.

The sudden ringing of bicycle bells outside your house made you scarf down the rest of your plate, snatching your car keys off the table. 

You opened the front door to see the whole gang waiting for you.

“I swear, the only time you guys are on time for anything is when you're leeching off of me,” you said, unlocking the car and leaving them to figure out the seating.

“You know us so well,” Dustin said, hopping into the shotgun seat before anyone else could take it. 

“I forgot to ask earlier, but how was that summer camp you went to, Dustin?” you asked, turning on the engine.

“It was so cool,” he beamed, “Our counselor taught us how to make all kinds of inventions. I made a self-nailing hammer, a wind powered clock, and a radio tower so I can talk to my girlfriend whenever I want since her parents monitor her phone calls.”

“Girlfriend?” you turned to look at him. He smiled back at you, bright as anything.

“Yeah, we were surprised too,” Max said from the back.

“Although we're not sure she actually exists,” Mike chimed in, “Apparently she's as hot as Phoebe Cates.”

“Hotter than Phoebe Cates,” Dustin corrected, “And she's a genius too.”

“Riiight,” Lucas said. 

“Well I think she sounds great, Dusty,” you said, “It's pretty romantic you built that radio tower just to talk to her.”

“It's the strongest communications network in Hawkins across 150 channels,” he said proudly.

“Well, that's certainly impressive,” you grinned, ruffling his hair. 

Soon you pulled up to one of the many entrances to the mall, stopping at the curb. 

“Well, this is your stop, guys,” you said, “What are you gonna see?”

“The Stuff,” Mike said excitedly. 

“Isn't that rated R?” you questioned, a brow raised. 

All of them looked at each other, slightly panicked.

“Well, we'll see you later, (Y/n)!” Lucas said, flinging open the back door and getting out as fast as he could. Everyone else quickly fled after him, running towards the theater. You shook your head. They got themselves into a lot of shenanigans, but admittedly you were the one instigating it most of the time when you were younger, even if you were the babysitter. 

However, as soon as the kids left for the movie you were painfully reminded of the throbbing headache you had. You groaned as one of the strobe lights around the movie theater glared in your face, not helping matters in the slightest. 

You knew eating a bunch of greasy food technically didn't do anything for a hangover, but it sure made you feel a hell of a lot better emotionally. With that in mind you decided to walk over to the Burger Chef located inside the mall for a little pick me up. 

Luckily for you there wasn't much of a line. Only a few people were scattered around the seating area at the food court. You were looking over the menu hanging on the wall when a familiar voice broke your train of thought.

“(Y/n)?”

You looked around at the sound of your name to see Steve looking back at you, just as surprised. 

“Hey,” you said. You took a moment to look over him. He looked just as awful as you did, if you were honest. The deep-set bags under his tired eyes aged him an eternity, and he looked a bit green as well. 

“You too, huh?” You bit back a grin as you gave him a short laugh through your nose.

“Yeah,” he admitted, “In hind sight I probably shouldn't have mixed liquors, but hey, there's nothing I can do about it now. Figured some fries might help.”

“They always do,” you said, “What are you doing here, anyways? Aren't you on your shift at Scoops?” You noticed he was still in his work uniform.

“Lunch break,” he explained, “I don't really have long, but we can grab a table if you want.”

“I'd like that,” you smiled.

Steve was a little surprised at his own forwardness. Apparently he was hungover enough to not overthink everything that came out of his mouth. However he was even even more surprised at you agreeing to sit down with him. He didn't know why his brain was making such a big deal out of this; you ate lunch with him every day and hung out together all the time, but then again that was also including a group of other people. You and Steve had never really spent time together when it was just the two of you, except for when you iced his busted face after the basketball stunt, which hardly counted as a first date. 

He felt uncharacteristically nervous as he slid into the booth next to you. A year ago he would have been pulling out all the stops to make you his, but now he just wasn't so sure anymore. He was never afraid of rejection before, but when he thought of you as the one rejecting him he figured it would be better to not say anything at all. 

'Get yourself together,' Steve thought to himself, 'It's just lunch with a friend. Friends do that!'

“Penny for your thoughts, Popeye?” you said, flicking the fabric of his sailor hat. 

“Huh?” Steve said, snapping out of it, “Oh, nothing, just, uh. . .” he quickly picked up a menu, hoping to cover the majority of his reddening face with it, “Looking at the XXL Supreme. 2Lb beef patty with bbq sauce, ranch, fried pickles, beer cheese and. . . yeah, that sounds pretty gross.”

“I'll probably stick to a regular burger,” you laughed, glancing at the menu over his shoulder. 

You were so close he could feel the heat coming off your body and smell the sweet scent of your perfume. He scolded himself for being so weak, forcing himself to concentrate only on the food. 

Right at that moment a waiter strolled up to you, writing pad in hand. 

“Hi. Welcome to Burger Chef,” he said, sounding just as dead inside as he looked, “How may I serve you today?”

“A double patty melt with cheddar,” Steve said, “And a coke, please.”

“I'm trying to decide between-” you stopped yourself as you looked up, staring at the waiter. You thought he looked familiar and it was then that you realized he was one of the guys that bullied your brother in middle school. Your eyes narrowed as you recalled how he and his friends cut the strings on Kyle's guitar when he brought it to school one day. 

You saw a flash of recognition in his eyes and your lips curved upwards.

“The classic burger, simple,” you said, the fakest smile you could muster on your face, “But on a sesame bun instead of the brioche, no mayo, extra mustard, add caramelized onions and extra cheese, and don't forget the pickles. If you could add shredded lettuce instead of the whole leaf that'd be great. Oh, and a Neapolitan shake with chocolate syrup and no whipped cream.”

“We don't have a Neapolitan shake,” he said irritably and slightly panicked, trying to write everything down. 

“Well I heard in your commercial if you just ask, an employee would be happy to mix any of the milkshake flavors together,” you said, your smirk widening. What could you say? Being a bitch was fun sometimes- especially when the person on the receiving end was a total dickhead. 

“Coming right up,” the waiter said through his teeth.

Steve looked between the two of you before the waiter stormed off to the kitchen window, slamming his hand down on the bell with more force than necessary.

“So, what'd he do?” Steve chuckled.

“Bullied my brother really bad in school,” you said, “What goes around comes around, though. In a few years Kyle will be off to LA to start touring with his band and this guy will still be here covered in fry grease wearing a burger shaped hat.”

“Well I hope that's not my fate,” Steve said, only half joking as he took his uniform hat off, twirling it in his hands. 

You could tell even though he tried to hide behind the humor it was something he really was concerned about. 

“Hey, don't worry about it,” you said, nudging his shoulder lightly, “You're not an asshole. . . anymore.”

You managed to get a laugh out of him at the end and you smiled, glad you were at least able to cheer him up some.

“Seriously, though, it's fine to not know what you want to do with your life yet,” you said, “Hell, I know grown ass men who still don't know what they're doing. You don't have to go to some fancy college to do something great.”

Steve looked at you, thinking over your words. He thought it was crazy how you were his age but you were so much more mature and optimistic than he was. The way you thought was unlike anyone he's met before in Hawkins, and it only further intensified his wanting to get to know you.

“Thanks, (Y/n),” he smiled.

Meanwhile, your little crew of gremlins had finished their film, now making their way to the food court for lunch.

“What do you think The Stuff tastes like?” Lucas asked to no one in particular.

“I bet it's like Betty Crocker frosting,” Dustin said dreamily.   

“Um can we not talk about how sentient parasitic goo tastes? Because we're literally about to go eat,” Max said.

Suddenly Dustin stopped in his tracks, making Will run into his back. 

“Dustin, what the hell?” Mike said, screeching to a halt before he could collide with Will. 

“No way,” Dustin said, staring far off some place the others couldn't see.

“What's wrong?” El asked, confused. 

Dustin pulled his friends behind the shrubbery next to the fountain, ducking in the cover as he peeked his head out slightly. 

“They're on a date!” Dustin said, a little too loudly. He ignored the stares he got from passersby as he continued to watch you and Steve laugh over your burgers in your shared booth.

“(Y/n) and Steve?” Mike said, “I thought he was still hung up over Nancy breaking up with him.”

“Well clearly the man's moved on,” Lucas said.

Max rolled her eyes, hitting him on the arm.

“Ow!” Lucas exclaimed, turning to her, “What was that for?”

“Just because a guy and a girl are hanging out doesn't mean it's a 'date',” she pointed out, “Maybe they're just good friends. I've seen them around each other a lot at school.”

“I think he finally worked up the courage to ask her out for real,” Dustin started theorizing, ignoring Max completely. 

“What do you mean for real?” Will asked.

“It's so obvious he's into her but he's scared of striking out,” Dustin said, “That whole Nancy situation really struck a blow to his self confidence.”

Mike tried to get a better look at what you two were doing, leaning over El's shoulder and squinting at the burger place. Suddenly his footing slipped from under him as he accidentally took a step on the wet tile near the fountain and fell on his ass into a bush. 

“Shit!”

You and Steve stopped eating your burgers and turned around at the sudden noise, but saw nothing but a ruffle in the plants nearby. 

“That was weird,” you said, looking around. 

“Yeah,” Steve said, “Well, it's bear season, you never know when they'll sneak up on you.”

You laughed at that, the sound making Steve's heart flutter. He loved your laugh, even more so when he knew he was the cause of it. 

Suddenly Steve remembered his shift was probably starting, his lunch break was less than an hour long.

“Shit, I should've been back ten minutes ago,” Steve said, looking down at his watch, “My shift already started.”

“Oh, sorry,” you said, “I didn't mean for this to go on for so long.”

Steve looked surprised, shaking his head vigorously. 

“No, no, I liked it,” he said, not fully registering how the sentence sounded out loud until your cheeks flushed.

“I-I mean-”

“I get it,” you laughed softly, “I liked it too.”

Steve felt like his heart was just shot through with cupid's arrow as you smiled up at him and offered to walk him back to Scoops. He hadn't felt this way since Nancy. After she broke his heart he was convinced he would never get over her, but now you were here, occupying all the free space in his mind despite only knowing you for a short while. What the hell was going on with him?

His mental debate came to an unceremonious stop when he realized you were already in front of the ice cream shop.

Steve turned to you and did his best to sound indifferent. He had a really good time, but he didn't know if you felt the same way.

“Well, I better get back to it,” he said, clearing his throat awkwardly, “You know, suit up, sling ice cream, appease the masses-”

“We should do this again sometime,” you said, effectively flipping the 'off' switch on his rambling. 

Steve seemed to freeze in this plane of existence, staring at you with wide eyes.

“Yeah! I mean, that's what I was gonna ask you, but I didn't know if you wanted to, and. . .” he trailed off, kicking himself again.   

'When you talk you just make it worse,' he mentally scolded himself.

You laughed a bit at his flushed face.

'Adorable,' you thought. For being the former king of Hawkins High, he was still a giant dork.

“Well I'll definitely see you around this time, then,” you smiled, reminded of your first day back. Things were different between you two now, but that wasn't a bad thing at all.

You walked out of Scoops Ahoy feeling lighter, a smile on your face and your headache long forgotten. With your disastrous dating history, maybe Steve Harrington was the kind of guy who could be good for you right now.

The very thought made you feel giddy inside, but as you said yourself before, life had a funny way of changing your plans completely.

Read Chapter 5 here!

Taglist: @in-my-dreams-2000 @ggclarissa @iris1697 @5sosxgrethan @ohnoniella @sarcasticalphaofthelooserspack @aspiring-fangirls-world @wow-im-so-tired @hopesxxhigh @justanothercrazyassfangirl @too-many-lanes @whimsylavender @bish-ima-clown @amarachoren @mosiacbrokenheartstf @mcuvlxgs @xapham @metuel18 @immirandaq @nellaphine @multi-madison @gingertalksshit @jojo-buttercup @kyberhearts @mvdelaine @minnie-marvel @caitlin-rose28 @zandaleekrz @r3inventedd @void-fire-rose @macymafia @wanna-be-idle @newtsshelbys @kimmydespell @weyheyokay @r4ttusr4ttus @cynthianokamaria

#stranger things #stranger things x reader #steve harrington x reader #billy hargove x reader #steve harrington #Billy Hargrove #reader insert #love triangle #stranger things season 3 #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #Lucas Sinclair #Max Mayfield #will byers #jim hopper #original characters

[starker-stories]

The Cold, Chapter 4 - The Messages Series

This chapter on AO3

By @thestarkerisobvious​ and @starker-stories​​

New chapters in the series post every Thursday.

All links are to AO3. You don’t need to be a creator to have an AO3 account. You can have one solely as a reader. But to read anything at all in this series, you can just be an anonymous reader and/or commenter.

The best way to keep up with The Cold is to subscribe to the story on AO3. And the best way to keep up with the Messages Series is also to subscribe. Click on the ‘subscribe’ button on each of the above links.

Tags: Tony Stark Feels, Peter Parker Feels, College Student Peter Parker, Established Relationship, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, Arc Reactor Kink, Peter Parker is a Mess, Spider-Man powers, Communication, They Finally Communicate!, And Fuck Of Course Look at Who It’s Written By Of Course They Fuck, Avengers Compound

The entire Messages Series.  All links are to AO3.

Messages Unsent  (complete & posted)

Nothing More Than A Machine  (complete & posted)

Tomorrow  (complete & posted)

My Virgin (Revisited)  (completely & posted)

The Cold  (completely written) posts every Thursday  

Untitled Book 6  ( in progress )

Untitled Book 7  ( in progress )

Chapter 4:   Fifteen

“So, this is going to sound unrelated but… hear me out.

“I’d been asked to go to this group that meets at this really liberal church; it’s where all the gay advocacy groups meet. Anyway long story short, some people I go to class with swear by it, and I was just so damn angry and lonely and frustrated and weird so I figured it couldn’t hurt. Okay that’s a long involved story but the point is I was talking to some guys there and they said if your dad leaves early? You’ll never get to find out how imperfect he was. And I was like, ‘Wow, my dad died when I was like four, so do I win?’ And they’re like, “No, now your view of guys is screwed up forever because you’ll never know that he wasn’t perfect, that there’s no such thing as the perfect guy, because you didn’t ever get to know your father as an adult.” And I don’t know, none of them even had dads so what did they know, but I thought about it a lot…”

The berm was directly in front of them now. One perfect single wall, about forty feet long and fifteen feet high. Peter dashed across the wooden splinters that littered it and, with that short running start, leapt to the top, landing on his hands. He then walked across the top of the wall on his hands, continuing the conversation upside-down.

 “I talked about it with Ned and he says it’s true, once you realize your dad is NOT perfect, but just a human guy who makes mistakes sometimes, it changes everything. And I wondered about that. My dad was just a normal guy in the end, a guy who must have screwed up sometimes, like everyone. And Ben…” He shifted his weight to his left hand and, right hand behind his back, began hop-walking forward inches at a time.

“Ben died. And that was my fault. And I’ve learned to live with that. But Ben wasn’t perfect either; he was pretty amazing but he wasn’t perfect. And I remember when he died, everybody was all like, ‘Oh no what will little Peter do without his father-figure oh gosh!’ And I thought ‘I’ve got to be fine, I had a father-figure, which is more than a lot of kids, and he was pretty cool, and he’s gone now and I’ll just do without. Just like half the kids in my grade do. That’s no big deal’.

“And then I met you.”

Effortlessly he stretched his feet in front of him, placing his toe on the ground in front of his hand, landing it half-on, half-off the edge of the wall. He righted himself and then stood, looking down at Tony. He paused for a moment.

“I would have sworn I didn’t need any more fathering when I was fifteen, Tony. If anyone had asked ‘Is Tony your father-figure?’ I would have said ‘No! Seriously!?’ I mean I made my first suit by myself. I made the webbing and the shooters and all of it all by myself and I became a crime-fighter, all by myself. I didn’t need anybody, and I was pretty proud of that. And I didn’t tell a soul, and I was pretty fucking proud of that too. I really thought I was doing fine without any father-figure around.

“Then you showed up.

“…And I had no right to draft you as a father-figure, Tony, and I absolutely 100% did. You never volunteered for the job; you would have turned me down if I had asked. So that one’s on me.

“I never should have asked you to be my father-figure AND my lover. Because a father-figure is perfect… and a lover… a lover is a person. A real-life person who farts and belches and leaves the toliet seat up and says stupid things without meaning to and generally acts like a shit sometimes. An imperfect person, just like me. And that’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

“So, you’re fired.”

He leapt from the wall — which is to say he aimed his head downward and fell. He caught himself on his hands, then flipped back onto his feet. Turning around he looked Tony in the eye and spoke.

“You’re fired as my father-figure. And also, thanks, but I’m firing you as my mentor, too. And no offence? But looking to you as my moral compass? Probably a terrible idea in the first place.”

Tony’s eyes crinkled with a held-in smile. Truer words had never been spoken. Moral compass? Him? Yeah. Not the greatest of ideas.

Peter looked down at his hands, now covered in wooden splinters, and brushed them off. “It’s because… it’s because I need you Tony. I need you now more than I ever have. But I need you as an equal.”

When Peter stood straight after brushing his hands clean, Tony noticed it. Something he’d been almost noticing but the image he had in his mind of Peter didn’t let him notice. Peter stood straight… and was as tall as he was. Exactly.

“That’s what I brought you out here to say.” he said as he put his arms around Tony’s neck, leaning in to whisper.

“I had to tell you about ‘The Cold’, and I had to bring you here to show you that it wasn’t all in my head. It’s about my body changing but… it’s about you too. You’re totally right, the world isn’t what I thought it would be and, sure, that’s just life. I’m trying to tell you that it’s also about… I was colossally angry at you, I was ready to break up with you. For not being perfect. And that’s my fault, not yours.

“And I’m scared, Tony, because I don’t know who I’m going to be when this is all over. I don’t know if I’m still going to be someone you’ll want to be with… I hope I will be… all I know is, whatever happens…” His voice broke again. “I’m going to need you on my side.”

Tony settled his hands lightly on Peter’s waist. They looked at each other eye-to-eye.

“Where else would I be, Peter? That’s where we belong. On each other’s side. You have my love. And that’s something that you will have…” The terms of mortality change when you’ve been dead a few times. “…Eternally. I love you. There’s nothing that will ever change that. I will be there, wherever you need me to be.”

Peter’s shoulder’s sank in relief. He closed his eyes, sighed, and stepped forward to lean his forehead down onto Tony’s shoulder.

The kid he’d taken to Berlin all those years ago wasn’t just grown up, he was gone. He never wanted to be a father-figure to Peter. This… this is what he wanted.

They turned to walk toward the main building, in the far distance, across the field. Tony put his hands in his pockets. Peter reached over and took Tony’s wrist, drawing his hand out of its pocket and putting it into his own. They walked hand in hand in silence for a while. It was Tony who broke it.

“I knew what I wanted when I left Berlin. I needed another person in the fight. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I’d fought side by side with these guys in New York and after. But I couldn’t just let them go. There were consequences to be faced. I needed them held, not hurt. Which you could do. I needed something, you had it, and I had the negotiating tactics of a forty-six year old businessman versus a fifteen year old high school kid. You were coming with me to Berlin.

“But that changed within minutes of meeting you, Pete. It’s not just since we got together, but from the first moment I met you — everything was so fast, you gave me whiplash.

“God, I was so conflicted. Here you were, this brilliant superhero. Something needed doing and you could do it. There was the mission.” He remembered his own words to Pepper a very long time ago. “That’s what got you going. Not building the retro-tech and certainly not the drudgery of high school. It was doing the very unique things that only you can do.” Their hands together, Tony let them swing, joined, between them as they walked.

“You were doing them on your own,” Tony said in wonder. “You were adult in so many ways. Not the least of which, I had to keep reminding myself, was the way the spider changed your body. You were fifteen and you looked like you were maybe nineteen or twenty. While I have done many morally dubious things, and downright immoral things, in my life, that has never been one of them,” he said firmly. “But you were doing things that no kid your age could possibly do. Looking like no kid your age could possibly look. I couldn’t reconcile the feelings I had for you with the absolute certain knowledge that I would never touch a kid of fifteen. There aren’t neat categories for what was going on with me. None of which was your problem.

“You were FIFTEEN. And god… you stood up to me, right there in your bedroom. There are guys in their forties who don’t have the balls you had when you webbed me to your doorknob.

“You were FIFTEEN. And I had… very, very inappropriate feelings about you. Not sexual, not then, but I felt closer to you than most of the other Avengers.

“You were FIFTEEN. And at fifteen, the only relationship a man of forty-six can have with a kid that age, is a fatherly one. So, despite not feeling anything fatherly towards you, I moved into that space. Only… what you were saying about imperfect fathers? Yeah. Kinda never had any model to role that on.”

Peter nodded as Tony spoke. Nodded, and grinned a little. The look on Tony’s face when Peter had webbed him to the doorknob, well, it was a memory he would treasure forever.

“I’m about as fucked up as a father-figure as you could’ve possibly turned to. I gave you exactly everything you ever dreamed of and then, over something that I should’ve talked about to you as my teammate, I acted like Howard. I yanked what you needed away instead. And I almost got you killed.”

Tony walked silently for a while. He watched his feet moving on the grass. Still holding Peter’s hand — perhaps a little tighter.

“So, me as a father? Worse than Howard. At least he never left me so stripped of everything that I nearly died, thinking I’d been abandoned. God, Pete. I will never be able to tell you how fucked up that was. If there was anything in my life I could go back and change, I’d go back and change that.

“But then, in true Howard Stark fashion, when I fucked up… instead of dealing with the fuck up, I go and plan your whole life out for you. I throw you a one point four BILLION dollar bribe that you weren’t ready for and never asked for, in hopes of gaining your forgiveness. Then on top of that, I dangled something you’d dreamt of, but also weren’t ready for. I planned your whole damn life out. I was about to do the equivalent of shipping you off to MIT at fifteen. Throwing you into the mess that was Avengers post-Berlin, post-Siberia… at FIFTEEN. God!” Tony said angrily. He twisted his head sharply away, his mouth drawn tight in disgust with himself. He took a deep breath. None of that mattered. It was over. They’d moved on.

“You were stronger than me in so many ways. You saved yourself when I took your first dream away. You gave yourself what I failed to give you. Then, instead of just letting me drag you into a future you weren’t ready for… you told ME no. Flat out told Tony Stark ‘no thanks I don’t need the future you’ve designed for me, I’ll make my own’.”

“Oh, shit. I did do that, didn’t I?”

“God, Pete,” Tony said. He looked at Peter as if he was the most amazing, wonderful thing in the universe. Because he was. “You absolutely blew me away. Which caused so many more conflicted feelings.” Tony paused, and they kept walking.

“Because…” He stopped their walk in the middle of the neatly-kept lawn. He looked down at their twined hands and lightly rubbed his thumb against the back of Peter’s. “That’s when I started to fall in love with you.”

Peter started a little at the revelation, but he didn’t speak. He walked into Tony’s body and touched his head to the man’s shoulder, but he didn’t speak. They kept walking.

“Again, not pervy… I just… Peter, you took hold of me in ways… I admired the hell out of you.” He stopped again to make his point. To make sure Peter understood his point. “Do you know how many people I admire? ONE.”

Tony swung their hands once as they headed back. The main building was in sight. “So what does that feel like? When it’s a fifteen year old kid?” He gave a slight shake of his head, feeling again that incredible struggle that went on inside him after he dropped Peter back off at May’s.

“We came back from Berlin — and Siberia — and you stood up to me. But you did it honestly. No deceptions, no dithering, no evading. You just said ‘no’. Not lying to ‘spare my feelings’. When you walked out of here, you didn’t just have my admiration, you had my trust. There’s a couple more people I trust than I admire. Three. Including you. That’s it.

“And, as I’ve been saying… you were fifteen fuckin’ years old. Then after? I can’t even touch what the things that happened after that did to me when I thought about you. What happened on Titan… I… I can’t.”

He couldn’t. Not Titan. Even though years had passed. Feeling Peter turn to dust in his arms. Watching the boy hold on with every bit of his spider-strength so he could reach up to comfort him as he was being torn apart, what felt like over and over again, as Tony held him. And he couldn’t even say how good the kid was. How much he admired him. How much… he loved him. To hear Peter apologize for leaving him… to say those two meaningless words and mean them… He couldn’t. He went back to a time when he could.

“I loved you when you walked out those doors.” He nodded towards the building they were headed towards. “You were fifteen and the only way that someone my age was supposed to love someone yours was as a father,” Tony reiterated with a wry laugh. “I am SO not father material.” Tony stopped their progress. He turned and faced Peter directly. “You can’t fire me, I quit,” he said, smiling widely at him.

Peter sighed in content, overwhelmed with relief. He didn’t realize until this moment how afraid he had really been. Up until they had landed at the compound he told himself his biggest secret, his biggest worry, had been The Cold. Now he leaned forward and touched their foreheads together, speechless. He wasn’t sure he could speak.

Finally, they parted and began to walk again. “I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t want you to need my permission to live your life. I never wanted that from the moment you left here. I wanted what I’ve always been looking for — someone to fight alongside me. Someone I could trust. Someone I could look to and see… myself, sure… we’re a lot alike… but Pete, you are…” Tony shook his head. “I don’t want you to be like me. I want to be like you.”

Peter pulled Tony’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it.

There was a little stretch of silence while Tony tried to put his thoughts into words that made sense.

“I want us to be like us. Because that’s the only way I can be now. An equal part of an ‘us’. When we need anything… I want to look to you and I want you to look to me. What we need at the moment might not always be there. We’re imperfect. But I want to be your ground. I want you to be the home built upon that ground. I’m too… Tony looked away, off into the distance for a long time before speaking again.

“There’s too much damage for me to ever be able to give pieces of myself to other people — everything that’s left in me… I can give it to you because I love you.”

Peter stopped them from walking and pulled Tony closer. He lay his forehead on Tony’s shoulder again, locking his hands around the back of Tony’s head.

“I love you, Tony.”

Those ‘three little words’ that he hardly ever said before were now so lacking, even though he said them often after he and Peter got together. Since seeing Peter come back on the battlefield, since seeing Peter fade from his vision as he died, since seeing Peter holding on to him, refusing to let him go — everything since Tony had come back to life boiled down to those three little words: I love you.

Tony rested his head against Peter’s that was on his shoulder. “There’s nothing of me that isn’t yours.”

#starker #Messages Series #Messages Cold #Von Writes Stuff #Thewitchway Writes Stuff

[chubbyooo]

A Recipe for Disaster: A Blurred Lines Spinoff Chapter 1: An Enemy Revealed

hey folks so I know we just got back to the main fic but for a while I’ve wanted to tell a side story of how my companions ended up captured for most of Kotfe and it also links in with Blurred Lines in areas so with that in mind here’s the first part of a 6-8ish chapter long spinoff featuring a few of the ocs you know and some new ones

the emperor Vititate has disappeared into wildspace and until recently there was no sign of his location, however Darth Nox met meet Darth Marr on his flagship and soon after word of an attack on theflagship reached the republic. With this knowledge Grand Master Satele Shan has assembled a team of the most adept fighters and thinkers of both governments at least those she could get in touch with to work out what to do next. Kavaraa was quick to respond to the message sensing a great disturbance unlike anything she had felt before.

Kavaraa looked out the viewport as the flagship approached she sensed it something was wrong, something big was about to happen and she had to be ready. She frowned she couldn’t seem to discern the nature of the presence but she could sense great conflict in someone close to her. Still close by what or who it could be was unclear she really hoped it wasn’t a friend, she glanced towards the sith warships littered within the fleet. She had not been thrilled with working with the sith, she’d be the first to admit it had never quite sat right with her not since Master Syo. But the fact they were united against the emperor helped sway her, but having to work with former rivals was certainly a challenge especially those who tried to test her commitment to the jedi order. Still to combat such a foe as Vitiate it was rather necessary, she put the thoughts to the back of her mind Master Satele had summoned her here the least she could do was be punctual.

As her ship docked with the flagship she stepped out into the bustling republic flagship, she had told her crew to stay with the ship just in case. After the rumours she heard about the sith fleet she was airing on the side of caution, she rushed towards the bridge but on the way she nearly crashed into someone.

She stumbled to a stop looking up to see Theron Shan of SIS, she smiled at least there was a friend here that’d make things easier “oh um sorry Theron didn’t see you there” Kavaraa looked away feeling her cheeks go a bit turquoise. 

Theron seemed equally flustered “oh um no worries sorry bit of a rush, important meeting and all” Kavaraa nodded cocking her head, if anyone new something it was gonna be Theron the compulsive spy.

She looked quite seriously at him “so what have you heard” Theron looked around gesturing for her to follow to a quieter location. 

They moved to a rather cramped storage room causing them to have to squeeze next to each other “I uh I won’t lie to you it’s bad” he whispered although due to the cramped nature it was like he was speaking at full volume

Kavaraa sighed “yeah I can sense something is very wrong” Theron nodded messing with a datapad

he let out a long sigh “the sith fleet is uh devastated, casualties are high but there is little sign of what caused the attack” Kavaraa’s mouth hung open this had to have something to do with the attacks on Korriban and Tython nothing like this was ever a coincidence

Kavaraa swallowed “that is bad what of Marr? is he ok?” Kavaraa didn’t really like Marr that much but she couldn’t deny his military mind

Theron looked away “uh no report of him or Darth Nox as of yet” Kavaraa’s eyes widened they got Kyradia too? this may be more serious than she even thought, she couldn’t remember the last time Kyradia was beaten much less missing. Either they were dead or in the hands of Vitiate, Kavaraa wouldn’t have wished that on her worst enemy and well she had kind of got it anyway.

Kavaraa let out a long breath “wow it’s that bad huh?” Kavaraa didn’t even know what they could do next that was two of their best assets gone. Kavraaa may not have agreed with Kyradia’s methods but Kavaraa out of anyone couldn’t deny her skill with both the force and the saber, even if she was unbelievably cruel

Theron looked around the cramped room “that’s all the information I could slice from SIS” he put a finger to her lips “do not tell anyone I told you” Kavaraa could feel his breath they were so close, after a long pause she nodded quickly and followed Theron out of the room.

They quickly headed to the bridge where Kavaraa could see many farmiliar faces, on the republic side she could see Grand Master Satele Shan, Havoc Squad Commander Ash’shen’tor, Jace Malcom and Jonas Balkar but to her surprise she saw no sign of Jedi Knight Dzûsa she hadn’t heard from him in a while and also hadn’t been able to sense his presence. This had been concerning her greatly as he normally had such a loud bashful presence and for it to be muted meant something was very wrong, she glanced over to see Lana with a similar look on her face. She knew Lana and Dzûsa had been close but she also hadn’t seen him since before Ziost, the other Imperials around the table included Darth Acina (probably in Marrs place), Cipher Nine a big part of imperial intelligence and Moff Pyron someone Kavaraa had been on the opposite end of a blade from.

Theron spoke up “sorry we got caught up I think that’s everyone” Kavaraa looked around the room it certainly didn’t feel like everyone she knew some members of each council were busy with military missions but still. She assumed the emperors wrath was abstaining once again still believing in the emperor.

Satele nodded turning on the holopad “this is the footage of the attack on the sith fleet not 12 hours ago” Kavaraa watched as thousands of ships suddenly came into view and slowly but surely she watched as Marrs flagship was destroyed, her eyes widened were they really gone? she would’ve sensed it. She closed her eyes quickly reaching out with the force she could feel a very faint presence of Kyradia but it felt different somehow

The cold calm voice of Cipher Nine cut through the room “what of Marr and Nox is there any evidence they survived I believed them to be stronger than that” Kavaraa frowned at the chiss he seemed so calm about the idea of their death as if it was just an unlikely statistic. She had fought the man before his tactical ability was something but his separation from care of those he hurt was worrying.

Satele answered the question “although there is little evidence of survival I can still sense his pre-” Satele paused holding her chest and wincing, Kavaraa looked to her but was quickly met with a similar feeling through the force. She felt like a massive amount of force energy was just released, Satele made eye contact with Kavaraa the anguish clear in her eyes “you sense it too don’t you?” Kavaraa recognised the energy it was... 

Kavaraa gasped “Marr?” Satele nodded slowly hanging her head solemnly 

Theron looked frantically between them “what happened what can you sense?” Kavaraa was completely preoccupied if Marr was in trouble what of Nox? was Kyradia alive?

in the silence a new voice spoke up “I sense it too it is unfortunate but Darth Marr has passed on, how or why are unclear” Darth Acina seemed less phased than Satele and Kavaraa, Kavaraa guessed it was the sith way. Still she had to reach out she focussed trying to sense if Kyradia was out there, whatever was going on was still happening and if she could just get through. She found the presence but it was in flux, changing, she felt almost forced away as it changed and shifted. Kavaraa stumbled back whatever was happening it had to involve Vitiate and if so that did not bode well.

the rest of their makeshift council began to discus how to move forward as Kavaraa steadied herself making eye contact with Lana who had been strangely quiet, “you sense her too don’t you? I’ve been trying to get through to her but her energy... it’s like it’s being changed and moulded” Kavaraa nodded whatever Kyradia was doing she better succeed 

Commander Ash’shen’tor spoke up for the first time “I assume we didn’t come here just to speculate what are we going to do about this?” Ash did bring up a good point they could stand around here all day but they needed to take action

Satele sighed “unfortunately without anymore information all we can do is defend our territory and keep searching” Kavaraa hated that but it was true, suddenly however as if to answer Satele the hologram switched to an image of a bald human male wearing a Mask

He pronounced proudly "People of Zakuul, the unthinkable has happened. Our beloved Emperor, Valkorion, is dead - murdered by an Outlander who sought to shake the foundations of our great society. The assassin will receive swift and just punishment, and this act of unprovoked aggression will be answered.” Kavaraa looked around the council as everyone looked at the holo dumbfounded, Zakuul? Valkorion? act of aggression? she had no idea what this meant but it had to be to do with the attack

the figure continued “As your new Emperor, I can promise you this: Zakuul's enemies will face the full power of the Eternal Throne. They will answer for their warmongering ways... and every last one of the Core Worlds will burn!" the was an audible silence in the room for a few seconds before Theron spoke up

everyone looked to him “so that has to be what and where we’re looking for right? that can’t be a coincidence” he was right there, an emperor, an outlander who must be Kyradia it was too similar

Ash rubbed her forehead “I think you are ignoring the more pressing fact that he just declared war on all of us and he’s gonna use ‘the power of the eternal throne’ which I’m assuming is that fleet we saw and if not it can only be worse, either way we need to be ready to defend” Kavaraa was still bewildered but they said they were going to punish the Outlander not kill her that was awfully curious.

Cipher Nine spoke up “miss Shen does bring up a very good point but one thing to note is that the individual on the holo implied the emperor was dead, now this may be a leap of logic but I’m going to assume this was the same emperor using a pseudonym. With the Emperors death taking a defensive position may be rather advantageous” Kavaraa had to admit if the emperor was indeed dead then they may have less on their plate, whoever this new guy was he certainly wasn’t as threatening. “But with that said one of our best assets lies in the heart of their empire on Zakuul we cannot ignore the importance of Darth Nox” Kavaraa hated to agree with that but she knew it was true.

Ash spoke up again clearly agitated “so what we’re supposed to fight an offensive war for one sith that hardly seems worth it” Kavaraa had never been a military strategist and seeing these two sharp minds go at it was fascinating

Cipher Nine tutted “That one sith helped taken down Revan and his cult and anyway of course not I suggest we smuggle a small team in to extract our target, you are correct there is no need to over extend ourselves” Kavaraa looked to the other around the table everyone looked like they had a billion questions

Lana spoke up taking charge of the argument “clearly we have a lot to think about but these two points are very valid, it would be moronic to throw our ships against this fleet we have to play smart not powerful and retrieving Nox could be a big gain” everyone seemed to agree with that

Cipher Nine cut in “I’d advise we make haste upon the Nox rescue mission the more we wait the more difficult it will become” the man definitely had a point there they only had so long until the first attack

Theron frowned “but for that we need to know where Zakuul is and I’ve been scouring everywhere for any information on the emperors location” Cipher Nine gave Theron a coy smile it almost seemed like pity

“that’s because traditional intelligence tends to neglect culture, folk tales and legends however I do not and have managed to pin down a few possible locations of a planet with this name, give me a week or two and I’ll have the location” Theron scowled at the chiss clearly there was some tension between agencies

Acina looked to those on the council “who would be on this mission? I’d assume only the best and most undetectable” Kavaraa considered those around the table and who would fit best for a few seconds

Theron spoke up first “I’d happily go and I think I know who else would be able to fly under the radar” Kavaraa quickly turned to Theron and shook her head

she sighed “Ok no you promised after Ziost not to run off into danger” Theron looked confused “anyway we need you to handle slicing and I’d rather you do that from a safe location

Theron still seemed unconvinced “it’s not the same though I won’t be alone will I, I was gonna suggest you come anyway” Kavaraa considered it for a second but she couldn’t stomach the idea

Kavaraa shook her head taking Theron’s hand “not this one spy boy, subtlety isn’t really your style I’ll at least let you be on comms how about that?” Theron seemed conflicted but eventually conceded

“alright fine but you update me at all times agreed” Kavaraa nodded squeezing his hand

Lana cleared her throat “anyway... who else did you have in mind Theron” Theron turned around looking a little flustered 

he turned back to the others “right uh yes well I assume we want people who can’t be sensed well by the force which narrows it down to well Jedi and at least if my information is correct Chiss” Lana frowned at him seemingly disappointed she was left out, Kavaraa knew she would be able to cloak her force ability but a sith like Lana was much harder to control

Cipher Nine nodded “you’re information is partially correct we have no natural ability to cloak ourselves from the force but naturally we have much stiller minds so it can be harder to sense us” Kavaraa looked from him to Ash who seemed to not have a clue what he was talking about

Ash sighed “So you’re saying I have to work with him” Kavaraa was aware of the rivalry between Cipher Nine and Ash it wasn’t quite the level she had with Kyradia but it was certainly intense

Theron nodded “I’m afraid so but from what I know of Cipher Nine he is likely to perform professionally” Ash let out an audible sigh conceding to the plan

Cipher Nine let out a slight smile “so our base plan is to smuggle us into Zakuul and save Nox, rather underdeveloped at the moment it will require some colour and a lot more intel on her location I will do my best to provide them, I assume SIS will do the same?” Theron nodded reluctantly “That still however leaves the question of how we will be able to smuggle ourselves there” Cipher Nine looked to each of them for an answer

Ash let out a chuckle shaking her head “I’m gonna regret this but I think I know a guy” Kavaraa’s eyes widened oh no...

#swtor #my swtor #oc #ocs #swtor ocs #swtor oc #kavaraa #kavaraa bysh #Theron Shan #Jedi Consular #kyradia inquisitor #kyradia #Sith Inquisitor #Arcann Tirall #arcann #empress acina #darth acina #acina #satele shan #darth marr #cipher nine #imperial agent #Bolen #bolen trist #bo'len'trist #ash'shen'tor #ash #republic trooper #trooper #lana beniko

[ominousgreeting]

THE SCRIPT:

1. Themes will vary with this blog. Bob is a morbid guy, so I wouldn’t advise following if you’re not used to his character. There will likely be violence, themes of murder and crime, as well as that messed up obsession with wanting to kill Bart Simpson. If you’re not comfortable with that, steer clear!

I will try my best to tag everything. These will be under the format of swearing tw. If you’d like me to tag anything specific, don’t hesitate to ask through anon / inbox / im!

I don’t have any triggers but I do ask you tag all of your NSFW (sexual) content.

I’m of age, and thus I won’t be writing anything to that end with minors. Not that I’d be writing much of it anyway.

2. I’m private, which means I only write with mutuals (this is for my own sanity / comfort; everyone’s cool!). I’ll write with canon, oc, and crossover characters.

Although I’m private, when it comes to following people, I’m selective. We don’t have to have known each other prior to write!

As for following back, I usually take a week tops to do so - but if you’ve hit up my promo, I go through that eventually.

If it’s a crossover, I have to know the fandom and be at least a little bit confident with it. This is so I’m able to work with you, our thread and have muse for it.

I follow the tag #ominousgreeting. If there’s anything you want me to see, like dash commentary, just tag that and x-kit will alert me of your post! I may respond to ic stuff ic stuff if I’m feeling it. 

In that sense, I’m chill with dash shenanigans with most folk, not just mutuals!

Absolutely no godmodding. It ain’t fun, fam. If you’re not sure what this term means, do look it up. This includes powerplaying, metagaming, and other things of that nature. This applies especially in fights if they happen (I’m chance-based and hope that you are too).

I can be picky with OCs. But rest assured, if you’ve followed me/interacted with my promo, I’ll always give your pages a read.

Please don’t be offended if I don’t want to interact with you (and please don’t try to guilt me into doing so!). 

I DON’T CARE ABOUT AESTHETICS. I just think they’re pretty. If you don’t use formatting or anything like that, or heck - even wanna’ just do iconless rp - I have no problem with it whatsoever! It’s you, your writing and your muse I care about!

3. Please don’t rush me for starters or responses.

PLEASE understand that I have blogs galore and my muse tends to fluctuate; this can mean I’m everywhere at once and can end up neglecting a blog or two. It’s nothing personal; you know how muses are!

I have a full-time job (and I’m trying to get into screenwriting in my off-time) so sometimes I’m scrapped for time or exhausted. I'm also an introvert who deals with anxiety and depression, thus that may affect how much / how often I roleplay. If I don’t get chance to respond to anything ic or ooc, it’s nothing personal! Promise!

Chances are, I’ve probably has seen that bit of interactivity and just haven’t gotten around to responding yet.

My roleplaying style being para/multi-para, I may take a while to respond. I hoard drafts like a dragon - it’s really just the motivation to write and ship those out.

I hoard asks, but sometimes can’t find muse or interest for all of them. If it’s been a month or two, generally assume I’m not interested / can’t find muse for it. You’re free to send another though!

I answer asks from anyone - personals, rp blogs and anons. I’ll answer non-mutual asks occaisonally but I won’t be making threads out of them

4. Shippings? If they’re of similar age, sure! With Bob, it’s a little timey whimey since he’s married, but we could figure something out.

If I don’t happen to be interested, don’t force anything on my character.

I do not ship incestuous ships. Do NOT follow/interact if you do.

Also the same rule applies to this next thing. It would go without saying, but given the nature of this fandom... for the love of God, no shipping any of the kids with Bob.

The ship has to have chemistry; I’m generally shipping trash, but if they don’t click, they don’t click, sorry.

This is a multi-ship blog, meaning there will be more than one ship without them conflicting with eachother.

If you want to ship and I already have a ship of your choosing going with a duplicate, please don’t hesitate to hmu! My ships aren’t exclusive and each character/relationship portrayal is unique to me!

Relationships are eternal until you deem otherwise. If you’re not interested in a ship anymore, just let me know!

5. Whilst I am of age, I’m not aiming for sexual content on this blog (and will not be dealing with fetishes). The occasional joke is fine, but anything beyond that makes me uncomfortable, and I typically don’t recommend pulling it with my character if you’re interacting with me. Nonetheless, should it arise, I will tag it appropriately as nsfw //.

6. About reblogs…

I am not a meme source, and reblogs clog up my activity. Please reblog any memes you find on this blog from their SOURCE. The exception to this rule is if there is no source; go ahead.

I don’t feel comfortable with Personals reblogging my IC or OOC posts, so please don’t do that. If I put something in the fandom tags for whatever reason (bar promos), you’re free to, though.

This goes for my art too unless it has the tag ok to rb, but otherwise only the person I drew it for can reblog it. If you wanna’ reblog something, I DO put it on my art blog eventually!

A few times is fine, as it happens, but repeatedly breaking these rules will result in me soft blocking you.

I try to participate in reblog karma as much as I can, but always reblog from the source/a meme source.

If a post or ask is for you, you’re free to reblog it to save it though - but only if you’re an rp blog!

7. I’m a para / multi-para blog, novella if I’m adventurous and have time. Whilst I may roleplay crack threads with shorter responses, this does not apply to all threads I write. This means:

I write my replies as detailed as I can muster, and length can range from 1 paragraph to 6.

Short responses (such as one-liners) in more serious threads where I’ve written a decent deal can instantly kill my muse for that thread.

Whilst I’d prefer for partners to at least somewhat match my length, it’s entirely up to you - just try your best and make sure you give me enough to work with. ♡

If my muse happen to go nuts out of nowhere - like, overboard - don’t stress too much about matching him.

8. Threads! You can yeet asks, memes, and even starters at me if I’ve liked a call! I’ll obviously have my own you can like.

You’re free to like starter calls even if we’re not mutuals; I can check out your blog that way. I still only write starters for mutuals though.

I know pretty much most Bob media, bar the comics because I’ve only read a few of them.

Starter memes are the BEST way to interact me because they just yeet a prompt at my face and really help me write starters. If you see me reblog one, send one!

If you want a certain verse, lemme’ know! Otherwise, I’ll probably default to a post-canon verse.

If you want to turn an ask into a thread, go ahead!

In that sense, I don’t recommend writing starters for me unless we’ve discussed something. I don’t like to leave anyone hanging.

Please don’t assume things about my muse. If you’re uncertain about things, ASK.

IMs are open to mutuals, if you want to do any in-depth plotting. I also have Discord if that’s more convenient for you!

9. Guidelines on mains and relationships:

If we’re mutuals and we interact a lot, you’re welcome to ask me if I’d like to be your main!

Please don’t be offended if I deny, though; I typically want to pick those I trust to be my mains as well as people I can comfortably write with.

Not limited to them! I roleplay with duplicates galore so don’t be afraid to hit me up if you want to interact!

Pre-established relationships are a-okay in my book; if you have an idea for a relationship between our muses we can work towards, hit me up! I reblog those pre-established relationship memes every so often too. Romantic relationships link back to the shipping guidelines.

Also, friendship/family/rivalry relationships are EXTREMELY valid to me - so don’t feel scared about asking for them!

10. If you have any issues, please let me know and hopefully we can resolve it!

Mun is actually super nice, so don’t be afraid to hit her up!

I am absolutely terrible with IMs and Discord. I either respond quickly or days later, depends on my mood. Social anxiety tends to interfere with this (and more recently exhaustion from work) - but honestly, if you’ve sent something, I’ve likely read it and just haven’t gotten around to it yet! It’s nothing personal; trust me!

Please leave me out of drama; I’m here to have a good time, as is everyone else, and it pains me to see people arguing.

This is a little different with callouts - if I see anything on dash pertaining to any problematic users, I will take it into consideration and rb it if I believe them to be harmful.

11. To retierate, I tend to follow those that:

Write para and whom I feel my muse would click with.

Seem chill? Tone can really intimidate me honestly.

Have rules and about pages! Knowing the boudaries of my rp partners is super important as well as their lovely muses! Sometimes rules are enough, though, if you’re going to write the about eventually.

Tag their nsfw.

Don’t have massive icons - ie, have rp icons that take up an entire text post like 500x500 or something. I don’t want to clog the dash and it’s tiring to resize them.

…also, if I follow your hub blog (provided it doesn’t double as a personal), it generally means I’m cool with any blogs that are attached to it.

12. On threads…

If you’re not interested in a thread anymore, and would like to drop it, please let me know! I’d feel terrible if we’re both not having fun with it or if partners feel overwhelmed with the amount of threads we have.

Honestly, unless I let you know, our threads have no expiry date - so no need to worry about me dropping them without telling you. I can just be quite slow sometimes.

13. Mun does not equal muse! Anything my muse might say does not reflect on how I think unless I explicitly say so.

14. Know that if I follow you, I WANT to interact with you.

I literally couldn’t care less about follower counts. I care about YOU guys and our interactions.

15. Rules may be subject to change.

Please like this post if you’ve read the rules! You don’t have to, but it’s of personal reassurance to me if you have.

#.SCRIPT

[not-a-space-alien]

Into the Unknown, Part 9: Satan, Redefined

Art by @petimetrek (link)

Prologue | Dramatis Personae | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Series masterpost

On AO3

AN: before reading this please know I promise everything will be all right in the end okay oHo

Hell was different.  There was no blood, no torture, no fire and brimstone.

But the strange thing was, it wasn’t better.  Everything was still underground, but the cave aesthetic had been replaced by sterile white walls.  And eyes, eyes everywhere; he felt that ever-present gaze on him from the necks and arms of his fellow demons, from eyes imprinted above doorways, from watchful sentinels at the enormous stone gates.  It was oppressive, the constant feeling of being scrutinized, being judged, of being directed and controlled.

The demons here were much, much more inclined to be helpful to one another because they seemed to work as a hive-mind.  It was staggering and horrifying in a way Crowley hadn’t expected. There was nowhere to hide in this Hell, nowhere to escape and scuttle away to be alone.  It was open, empty, and brightly-lit.  It was the polar opposite of what he was used to Hell being like, and Crowley had always thought that would make it better, but it didn’t.

Was this what Heaven had always been like for Aziraphale?  What was Heaven like here, if this is what Hell was?

Botis could tell vaguely that Crowley was unsettled as they entered the gates, but he had no idea why.  They were like ants from two different species meeting, sensing some level of familiarity and sameness between each other, but utterly uncomprehending as to what could be the cause of the ever-pervading sense of difference there was between them, trying to use their limited map of the world to guide their interactions with each other and failing to understand each other properly.

The gates of Hell boomed closed behind them, and Botis escorted him to an elevator cart.  Crowley had the horrifying realisation that the light emanating from the walls came from disembodied human souls shoved into compartments at intervals like a filing system, each one tagged sorted.

Crowley was understandably distracted.  He had already thought up a lie to try and dig his way out of this situation as fast as possible, but it was slipping out of his mind repeatedly as he tried to take everything in.

Botis held his arm out to an eye on the door of the elevator, and a red light shot out and scanned his tattoo like a bar code.  A pop-up display read ACCESS GRANTED TO NINTH LAYER.

The elevator doors slid open, and Botis corralled Crowley inside.  The doors shut, and the cart began to sink along with Crowley’s stomach.

The screen in the cart showed their current floor, which began to tick towards nine.  Crowley scrambled to secure his slippery lie, like he was chasing a fish on a dock that kept flopping about.  “Botis?”

“Yes?”

He desperately tried to think of what scrap of information he could glean that might arm him in the coming encounter.  “What was Satan’s—”

“Our Lord Satan.”

“What was Our Lord Satan’s angelic name? Before she fell?”

Botis’s lip peeled into a sneer.  “You forget yourself.  Do not speak with such impudence about our Lord.  Remember that she is always listening.”

Crowley zipped his lips.  The eye on Botis’s wrist flickered to life and made eye contact with him, staring straight through him.

He didn’t dare say anything else on the ride down.  It seemed like it took an eternity for the cart to reach the bottom floor.

The car finally jolted to a stop, and the doors slid open, revealing a chamber with hallways radiating off like spokes in a wheel.  It was reminiscent of the ninth layer of Hell with which he was familiar, but the elegant red carpet leading up to the throne room straight ahead was laid upon a marble white floor instead of the traditional stone-grey architecture that had always dominated Hell.

The whole place smacked of the way Heaven was, too bright, too sterile and bare.  The Satan he knew would have never built something like this.

The eye on Botis’s arm flared to life again, and the disembodied voice rang out, “Escort him to me, Botis, and stay for a few minutes.”

This time, Crowley could hear an echo of the voice faintly nearby, as though the speaker were physically present somewhere here.  It was coming from the throne room.

“Yes, lord,” Botis answered, and prodded Crowley to step forwards.

As Crowley did so, the doors to the throne room slid open, not a booming set of ornate, stone-carved monstrosities as they always had been, but a simple, functional blockade that opened nearly silently on greased hinges.

The red carpet ran up to the throne of Hell, which was a simple white pedestal.  On the left side of the throne was a demon wearing the face and aura of the archangel Victoria, a hardened, sneering simulacrum of Heaven’s most noble warrior. On the right of the throne was the archdemon Mykas in his most bestial form, a hunched over bear of a figure. He looked exactly as Crowley was used to him, except his body was knotted with the scars of a thousand battles which hadn’t been kind to him.  His left eye was clouded under a gnarled white tear that didn’t seem to have healed quite right, and a heavy metal collar kept him chained to the throne. Both of these archdemons had the eye tattoo on their necks.

And in the center, sitting cross-legged on the throne, was Satan. She was dressed in a plain white sash, which contrasted sharply with the ribbon of black hair tucked over one shoulder. In place of a crown, an eye sigil pulsing with occult energy sat atop her head, radiating power.

The space between her nose and forehead where her eyes should have been was smooth and unbroken.  Instead, the pair of silver wings spread out behind her was lined with eyes from joint to tip.  They were all lolling to the side in every which way, unfocused, until Crowley’s footsteps echoed in the chamber at which point all of the dozens of pupils snapped to him attentively.

“Fuck,” Crowley whispered, because now he had the answer to his earlier question.  The aura was unmistakable, even tainted as it was by the Fall.

Satan’s smile spread wide, too wide, and this visage of eyes and cruelty and blinding perfection said, “Welcome.  So good to finally see you with my own eyes.”  Said eyes fluttered and blinked rapidly as she fanned her wings slightly, spreading them wide to look at him fully.

“Uriel,” whispered Crowley.  “You?  But…How…?”  Now he regretted not running when he had the chance, Botis’s reaction be damned.  Uriel and Satan, combined into one.  Uriel as Satan, instead of Lucifer.  It was unthinkable.

Mykas leapt forward until he slammed into the limits of the chain around his neck, barking and growling madly, mouth foaming.  Crowley took a terrified step back.  Botis didn’t flinch.

“Heel,” Satan commanded, snapping her fingers.

Mykas, hackles still raised, mouth crunched in a snarl, slunk back to his spot beside the throne.  The archdemon who bore an uncanny resemblance to Victoria eyed Crowley curiously and critically.  

Satan unfolded her legs and stood on the pedestal, towering over Crowley, who at least had the sense to kneel.

She did not seem impressed by the unprompted display of supplication. With a small leap, wings extended, she drifted down to the floor in front of Crowley.  Even without the pedestal, she still stood head and shoulders above him.

“What a strange anomaly you are,” said Satan, exposing her mouth full of perfectly pointed, needle-like teeth.  “All of my demons have been marked since the very beginning.  You could not have fallen, could you?”

Crowley shook himself and dug up the lie he had thought up on the way down to put up some semblance of a passing story, finally catching the slippery thing. “Yes, Lord.”  He hadn’t addressed anyone as lord or master in decades, and it tasted foul on his tongue. But he swallowed it as a necessity. All he had to do was get through this so he could get back up to Earth, where he stood a better chance of getting away. “I’ve abandoned Heaven and fallen. I wish to join your ranks.”

Satan pivoted and gracefully sat herself back on the pedestal, legs crossed. She swiped the air in front of her, and a huge, huge book materialised, settling itself onto her lap.

Crowley gaped.  It was the Book of Life, turned infernal.

No, that wasn’t right.  Was it? The book pulsed with magical energy, sure, but it didn’t seem to have the gut-wrenching, reality-altering power that the true Book of Life had.

Crowley watched as Satan leafed through the Book.  “This represents a deviation from the usual Order,” said Satan. “Surely you must understand that.”

“Er, of course, lord,” said Crowley.

“So how do you explain yourself, then?” Satan demanded.  A quill appeared in her hand, and ink dabbled from the tip of its own accord.  She pressed it against the page, ready to write.

“Ah…” said Crowley.  “Um, upon what detail, exactly, would my master wish me to give further explanation?”

Archdemon Victoria snickered.

He felt Botis showering him with a hateful glare from the side.  “Don’t be stupid,” he growled.

Crowley sweated, wanting very badly not to be stupid, but having no real idea how to keep the charade going.  He felt the glares of Botis, Fallen Victoria, and Satan burning into him keenly.

Satan inclined her head.  Her wings fanned once, the eyes blinking out of sync with each other.  “No new demon has fallen in six-thousand years.  It is unprecedented for an angel to be kicked out after the rebellion.”

“Ah, yes,” said Crowley, palms moist.  That made sense, considering Uriel was the one who kicked people out.  Maybe nobody could touch the Book of Life up in Heaven anymore?

So then he had to spin up a lie to explain how he had fallen if he wanted to stick to the same story.

He was about to weave a tale of Heaven appointing a new Keeper of the Divine Aura before Satan interrupted him.  “Tell me, what was your name before you fell?”

Shite.  If he gave his real name, Satan might find out he hadn’t just recently Fallen as he’d said.  If he gave a fake name, he risked it not being in Satan’s book at all.  Either outcome had the potential to make everyone in the room angry at him.

He could give the name of an angel he knew hadn’t fallen yet in this universe.  It would be in the Book, but not recorded as already having fallen during the rebellion. “My name was Aziraphale.”

He was relieved that Satan seemed to swallow the lie, the pages of the Book whizzing past under a wave of her hand.  It snapped open to a certain page, which Satan scanned.

She inclined her head.  Crowley didn’t know why she kept doing that.  Eye contact was impossible.  “That’s very interesting, newcomer, because according to my notes, Aziraphale is a field agent class principality currently stationed in Great Britain.  While you were obviously a healing class angel.”

Crowley sweated.

“Did they change your class when they kicked you out?”

Crowley opened his dry mouth to answer.

“I’ll give you one more chance to tell the truth.”

Crowley swallowed.  “The truth is, my name before I Fell was Cralael.”

The pages of the Book whirred around again.  Uriel scanned another page, then sneered.

“Now that’s also interesting, because according to my notes, Cralael fell at the beginning of time, and was killed by his angelic counterpart—who, interestingly, happens to be named Aziraphale—several hundred years ago via holy water.”

Crowley let out a shaky breath.

“And yet here he stands before us, alive and well.”

Botis eyed him strangely.

Satan snapped the Book shut, and it disappeared under a wave of her hand. “You may leave us now, Botis.”

Botis bowed, turned on his heel, and exited quickly, leaving Crowley alone to face the three nightmares on the other end of the room.

Satan stood once again, hovering a few inches in the air.  “Your opportunity to tell me the truth has passed, little demon.  Vycra, hold him.”

Fallen Victoria—Vycra—marched forwards towards Crowley.  He backed up, holding his hands out.  “Now hold on a minute, we don’t have—"

He shut his mouth as Vycra grabbed his arm, yanking him down.  He tried to worm his way out of her grip, but he knew in his heart there was no way he could fight his way out of here.

Satan fluttered down to the ground.  “I shall pick the answers directly from your brain.  Lower your defenses so I may make the connection.”

Despite Vycra’s overwhelming aura right on top of him, Crowley managed to slam his aural defenses shut, as high as they would go.

“That was not a request,” Satan said.  Crowley felt a tendril of her aura reaching outwards, prickling the back of his neck.  It was the same aura he had felt when Uriel was on the verge of tearing his wings off.

What had always made Uriel worse than any of the other archangels was that she could just manipulate aura directly.

Crowley whimpered as his defenses lowered without his consent, exposing him.  Satan reached out and brushed a gentle finger on his forehead.  He felt the aural tendril creeping into his brain.

It stung a little, but not quite as much as when Camael had done it to him all those many years ago.  This Satan had a practiced hand, surgical in its precision.  Crowley gasped at how fast she came in and retreated.

Satan’s rows of eyes along her wings betrayed her bewilderment, rattling about like craft googly eyes in an earthquake, despite her impassive facial expression.  She lowered her hand from Crowley, folding her arms in front of her body.  “Hmmm….”

Crowley panted, sweating a little.

“Let him go, Vycra.”

Crowley felt himself deposited summarily on the floor.  He curled his legs under him as Vycra strode past him back to her place by the throne.

Satan strutted back to the simple pedestal that served as the throne and sat, petting Mykas on the head a few times.  “Now that was very interesting,” she said, voice low like a rumbling storm cloud.  “Do you care to explain what I just saw?”

Crowley squeezed his eyes shut.  He wasn’t entirely sure what she had seen, but it had definitely included his most recent memories about meeting God and falling from the sky for sure.  How much further back did she get?  Had she seen his love for Aziraphale?  All the way back to the beginning of time?

What would she do if she found out about the other universe?  If she reached it?  Did Crowley have to doom himself to keep it secret and protect his home?

“I’m waiting,” Satan growled.  “You have one opportunity.  Do not lie to me.”

He didn’t have much of a choice.  He shakily got to his feet, straightened his suit, and looked Satan in the face.

“I come from a better world,” Crowley said.  “One where angels and demons don’t have to fight anymore. There is no war.  We worked hard to make peace with each other.”

Vycra’s stare on him was hard.  Her face contained a frightening amount of hatred.  Or…jealousy?  “That’s absurd.  Angels and demons are hereditary enemies.  They’d never make peace.”

“It’s true,” Crowley said.  “Where I come from, Vycra, you’re still an angel, and Mykas—”

Mykas’s bestial face was still crunched to expose his massive teeth.  He wasn’t hearing a single thing Crowley said, he realised.

What a damn shame.

“Vycra is right,” said Satan.  “The natural order of the universe is such that angels and demons will always be diametrically opposed.  You’re still lying to me.  I want the real explanation.”

“You saw it,” said Crowley.  “In my head—you got snatches of Aziraphale, surely.  You—Satan—where I’m from, Uriel never fell—”

“That’s enough,” Satan snarled.  “If you won’t tell us the truth, I’ll have to decide on my own what to make of you.  I don’t know who you are, or what you are, or where you came from and how you got here, or if you’ve tricked me—”

“I’m not—”

“—and if so, how, but you are now under my control, and you will be silent unless I tell you to speak.”

Crowley clamped his mouth shut, tears threatening to well up in his eyes. This wasn’t going well at all.

Satan’s chest heaved with rage.  “You are a demon, and as such you belong to me, you are under my control, and all my servants must have a mark. Vycra, hold him.”

Vycra’s hands were gentler this time, probably because Crowley wasn’t desperately trying to fend her off.  Satan waved her hand and materialised a pointed implement, dripping with ink. “Since I am feeling generous today, I will even let you pick where on your body it will go.  You may choose from your neck or either wrist.”

She hovered over to him, dabbling the excess ink onto her own hand. Crowley’s eyes darted around her body and the room.  “Hold on a moment, can’t we—”

“If you do not pick, I will pick for you.”

“Wrist,” Crowley spluttered, thinking that body part would be easiest to lop off.  “Wrist, please.”

Satan peeled Crowley’s right arm off from his defensive posture and began to draw on his wrist.  The ink sizzled into his skin like a brand, but it was curiously painless.

The ink still glowed red hot when Satan removed the tattoo gun, leaving the crisp image of an eye on his skin.  The molten pupil began to move about in sync with one of the eyes on Uriel’s wing.

Crowley bit his lip.

“There we are,” said Satan, sounding curiously relieved.  “Now you are as you should be.”

“Um,” Crowley said.

Satan waved the implement away.  Her anger had all but dissipated instantly, her cool smile returning, at ease at being in control.  “I’ll make sense of what you are eventually, little demon.  I’ll have to think about this a little more.”

She stared at him with all dozens of her eyes, this time including the one on his wrist.

Crowley began, “Lord, if I may—"

“You may not,” said Satan.  “The time for your input has passed.”  Satan floated back over to the throne and sat on it primly.  “The only question that remains is what should be done with you.”

“Perhaps he could be employed in the field as a healer,” said Vycra. “Field post thirteen is short one healer.  It would even out the numbers.”

“Yes,” said Crowley.  “That’s an excellent idea.  I would be a great asset in the field.”

Satan stared at him, head tilted onto her first.  “How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet?  No.  You are an anomaly in the Order.”

Vycra looked at him with pity.

“You should be kept down here with the other anomalies.”

Crowley did not like the sound of that at all.  “I would be much more useful up on the surface.  I saw how many wounded there were up there.  Is where I came from really such a big deal?”

Satan’s face was mild now, as though she were relaxed due to the impending resolution of something troubling her.  “No…You shall stay down here, where I can control you.”

Vyra strode over and plucked out a handful of Crowley’s feathers.  “Ow!”

Satan swiped at the air, and a row of jars appeared, moving so fast as to be a blur, until it came to the end of the line.  The last one was labeled “Anomaly #392” and had a handful of green feathers in it.

Another jar appeared next to it, labeled “Anomaly #393,” and Satan took Crowley’s feathers from Vycra and deposited them into it.  She screwed the lid shut, then swiped to dismiss the collection.

“That is plenty of feathers for a summoning spell,” said Satan.  “This way, I may call you up from where you’ll be stored if I need you.  Otherwise, you’ll be safely quarantined from the order of Hell where you can’t mess things up.”

“Uhhhh,” said Crowley.

Satan crossed her hands, and a yawning black portal opened in front of the throne.

Crowley’s eyes widened.  “You’re going to throw me into the Pit?”

The Pit was where demons went when you needed them to be locked away forever. There was no escaping from the Pit without concerted effort from someone on the outside of it.  It was where the misbehaving archdemons under Maltha’s rule went when they refused to cooperate.  Even she disliked using it and only threw anyone in there as a last resort.

Crowley pivoted and made a break for the elevator.  Vyra was behind him immediately, yanking him back by the arm, pinning the limb behind him and forcing him to his knees.

“I said you shall speak only when spoken to,” said Satan.  “And yes, that is where all anomalies go.  You have no place here in this world, so you shall be kept separate from it.  But first you must be cataloged.”

Satan summoned the Book again, and she flipped it all the way to the end. She materialised a quill and began to write.  “Anomaly number three-hundred and ninety three.”

There was silence in the room for a few moments while Satan’s pen scratched on the paper.

“What is she doing?” Crowley said in a strained whisper.

“She is merely writing down all the details about you to reference later, if needed,” said Vycra.  “Since you’ll be in the Pit and not convenient to retrieve if we need to reference you.”

Crowley’s arm was still twisted behind his back, forcing him to look at the floor.  A few tears dripped from his face onto the white stone.  “I haven’t done anything.  This isn’t fair.”

“I wish life were fair, anomaly.”

“At least give me a trial.  We sometimes at least got a trial.  I don’t deserve this.  I don’t deserve punishment.”

“This isn’t punishment,” said Vycra, almost gently.  “It’s just where you belong.”

Crowley stared down into the gaping blackness of the Pit, heart wrenching. “No.  That’s not—”

“And I’m taking down a note that you simply will not be quiet,” said Satan, with an excessive motion of the quill.  “‘Continues to argue ad nauseum.  It really is quite counterproductive.”

“I belong…”  The arm Vycra didn’t have pinned behind his back was curled against his chest.  He extended it, looking at the silver ring there. “Aziraphale…  Home.”

“I’ll have to do some further investigation into this matter,” said Satan, snapping the book shut.  “But we’re done with you for now.  You are dismissed.  Vycra.”

“Please don’t do this,” Crowley wept.

“Sorry,” Vycra said.

She hauled Crowley up by the belt and tossed him into the abyss.

#Good omens #my writing #my good omens fanfic

[love-on-your-wrist]

Analyzing Social Climb (pt.1)

K, so after finally getting back home and having actual WIFI in here, i decided to watch social climb again in its entirety and express some of my thoughts and observations i guess? Anyways lets go

The video starts with a 10-Second long animation of the band´s logo, and directly moves over to the visuals of a fancy-looking house. Over it, there is a bit of text and a headline:

                           “the TELEFOUNDATION presents

                              THOUGHT REFORM

           &THE CORPORATE GUIDE TO SOCIAL RECONDITIONING”

Now, let´s try and analyse this :D

What is Telefoundation?

On the internet, i wasnt able to find any mentions of the word, let alone a definition of the word, so i assumed it was the name of a fictional firm in the iDKHOW universe  But, i was able to find a similar word, “early television foundation” and also a link to something else here: http://www.cftf.org.uk/ if you want to take a look at that. The first one tho, it is a museum “dedicated to the preservation of the technology from the early days of television.“, as directly quoted from their website.

Furthermore, the website says: “Our website's mission is to preserve and make available to the public the history of early television, from the mechanical systems of the 1920s through the introduction of color televsion in the 1950s.“

Aha, so that museum just showcases different TVs from around 1945, how´s that connected to social climb and idkhow? I dont have an idea, but we know that the mv for social climb is a brainwashing propaganda video from 1977, broadcasted over television.

What is Thought Reform?

thought reform is another word for brainwashing used by Robert Jay Lifton, one of the first phsychologists to study both brainwashing and mindcontrol. Lifton was a US-american phsychatrist and author in the 60s. 1970 he was accepted as a teacher at washington school of psychatry. Later, he released his books called “Home from the War: Vietnam Veterans. Neither Victims nor Executioners (1973), and The Nazi Doctors: Medical Killing and the Psychology of Genocide” (1986), of which the publishing years bring us near to the time in which the iDKHOW story takes place.

returning back to ´thought reform´, Lifton offered 8 steps/methods of manipulating minds. I have copied them off http://changingminds.org/techniques/conversion/lifton_thought_reform.htm  for anybody interested:

#1 Milieu control

All communication with outside world is limited, either being strictly filtered or completely cut off. Whether it is a monastery or a behind-closed-doors cult, isolation from the ideas, examples and distractions of the outside world turns the individuals attention to the only remaining form of stimulation, which is the ideology that is being inculcated in them.

This even works at the intrapersonal level, and individuals are discouraged from thinking incorrect thoughts, which may be termed evil, selfish, immoral and so on.

#2 Mystical manipulation

A part of the teaching is that the group has a higher purpose than others outside the group. This may be altruistic, such as saving the world or helping people in need. It may also be selfish, for example that group members will be saved when others outside the group will perish.

All things are then attributed and linked to this higher purpose. Coincidences (which actually may be deliberately engineered) are portrayed as symbolic events. Attention is given to the problems of out-group people and attributed to their not being in the group. Revelations are attributed to spiritual causes.

This association of events is used as evidence that the group truly is special and exclusive.

#3 Confession

Individuals are encouraged to confess past 'sins' (as defined by the group). This creates a tension between the person's actions and their stated belief that the action is bad, particularly if the statement is made publicly. The consistency principle thus leads the person to fully adopt the belief that the sin is bad and to distance themselves from repeating it.

Discussion of inner fears and anxieties, as well as confessing sins is exposing vulnerabilities and requires the person to place trust in the group and hence bond with them. When we bond with others, they become our friends, and we will tend to adopt their beliefs more easily.

This effect may be exaggerated with intense sessions where deep thoughts and feelings are regularly surfaced. This also has the effect of exhausting people, making them more open to suggestion.

#4 Self-sanctification through purity

Individuals are encouraged to constantly push towards an ultimate and unattainable perfection. This may be rewarded with promotion within the group to higher levels, for example by giving them a new status name (acolyte, traveller, master, etc.) or by giving them new authority within the group.

The unattainability of the ultimate perfection is used to induce guilt and show the person to be sinful and hence sustain the requirement for confession and obedience to those higher than them in the groups order of perfection.

Not being perfect may be seen as deserving of punishment, which may be meted out by the higher members of the group or even by the person themselves, who are taught that such atonement and self-flagellation is a valuable method of reaching higher levels of perfection.

#5 Aura of sacred science

The beliefs and regulations of the group are framed as perfect, absolute and non-negotiable. The dogma of the group is presented as scientifically correct or otherwise unquestionable.

Rules and processes are therefore to be followed without question, and any transgression is a sin and hence requires atonement or other forms of punishment, as does consideration of any alternative viewpoints.

#6 Loaded language

New words and language are created to explain the new and profound meanings that have been discovered. Existing words are also hijacked and given new and different meaning.

This is particularly effective due to the way we think a lot though language. The consequence of this is that the person who controls the meaning of words also controls how people think. In this way, black-and-white thinking is embedded in the language, such that wrong-doers are framed as terrible and evil, whilst those who do right (as defined by the group) are perfect and marvellous.

The meaning of words are kept hidden both from the outside world, giving a sense of exclusivity. The meaning of special words may also be revealed in careful illuminatory rituals, where people who are being elevated within the order are given the power of understanding this new language.

#7 Doctrine over person

The importance of the group is elevated over the importance of the individual in all ways. Along with this comes the importance of the the group's ideas and rules over personal beliefs and values.

Past experiences, beliefs and values can all thus be cast as being invalid if they conflict with group rules. In fact this conflict can be used as a reason for confession of sins. Likewise, the beliefs, values and words of those outside the group are equally invalid.

#8 Dispensed existence

There is a very sharp line between the group and the outside world. Insiders are to be saved and elevated, whilst outsiders are doomed to failure and loss (which may be eternal).

Who is an outsider or insider is chosen by the group. Thus, any person within the group may be damned at any time. There are no rights of membership except, perhaps, for the leader.

People who leave the group are singled out as particularly evil, weak, lost or otherwise to be despised or pitied. Rather than being ignored or hidden, they are used as examples of how anyone who leaves will be looked down upon and publicly denigrated.

People thus have a constant fear of being cast out, and consequently work hard to be accepted and not be ejected from the group. Outsiders who try to persuade the person to leave are doubly feared.

Dispensation also goes into all aspects of living within the group. Any and all aspects of existence within the group is subject to scrutiny and control. There is no privacy and, ultimately, no free will.

Most of these methods are intigrated into the social climb music video, showing an elite, almost cult-like group of people most liekly cut off of the rest of the world, etc. i think #3 could also be a reference to the song “modern day cain” by iDKHOW, of which (for example) the pre-chorus is:

“So now you've done a little wrong And you need to be forgiven By the Vicar and the company you keep And then you conjure up a fiction To get the pretty girl to listen“

and also the main chorus that is:

“This is the sin That I will confess to release myself From consequence And everyone can tell“

in which method #3: Confession is mentioned directly. (Oh boi, i think we gettin to the point now, but after 2 hours just straight out researching and writing the first two explanations/theories i kinda dont know how to formulate the next section. i´ll take a short break.)

What is Social Reconditioning?

As i did my research on the internet, the term “social conditioning” seemed to have appeared way more often in results, and doesn´t seem to differ that heavily from social reconditioning, so let me explain it first. Social conditioning is  the definition of training someone to behave in a manner that is generally approved from society and/or peer groups in society. “Manifestations of social conditioning are vast, but they are generally categorized as social patterns and social structures including nationalism, education, employment, entertainment, popular culture, religion, spirituality and family life. The social structure in which an individual finds him or herself influences and can determine their social actions and responses. “ (Wikipedia)

So now that we´ve got that figured out, what would Social Reconditioning mean? I myself would explain it as having to adjust from one specific social pattern/structure to another. an example i provide is a soldier coming back home from the war and having to adjust into the general city-life from the strict life in an army. The “corporate guide to social reconditioning” is most likely to be a book in the iDKHOW universe abouthow to fit into a generally acepted form of society again. But what other social structure, or rather group of people is it, that one has to recover from?

 This is what i think is worth mentioning in this wikipedia article:

“Propaganda.

Edward Bernays, Freud's nephew and the father of propaganda and public relations, used many of his uncle's theories in order to create new methods in marketing. In Propaganda, he published that "If we understand the mechanism and motives of the group mind, it is now possible to control and regiment the masses according to our will without them knowing it".[4] He used the herd theory in order to create public relations, thus conditioning the public to need particular goods from certain manufacturers. In the same publication he stated, "A single factory, potentially capable of supplying a whole continent with its particular product, cannot afford to wait until the public asks for its product; it must maintain constant touch, through advertising and propaganda, with the vast public in order to assure itself the continuous demand which alone will make its costly plant profitable."[4] His theories and applications in social conditioning continue throughout his work. “

In Summary/Conclusion

Social climb is a propaganda/brainwash video

It is from the late 70s (1977 to be exact)

The band iDKHOW is in it, joined by Whiteshadow (the white skull person with the mask), possibly meaning that Bamd has time-traveled into 1977

Social climb is very likely to be referencing Modern Day Cain, and probably MDCs music video

The propagande video might be advertising or warning the public about a cult-like group of elite people

Which are a Illuminati-like organization, if not Illuminati itself

speaking from scenes like the one at 1:19, where the Pattern on the table undoubtedly is a pyramid with an eye in the middle, having the letter i,d,k,h,b,t,f and m in each rectangle in the first row

if i get any more stuff facts about the actual video into this i might as well make a second part out of this

#social climb mv #social climb music video #social climb #my post #idkhow #idkhbtfm #i dont know how but they found me #idkhow theory #dallon weekes #ryan seaman #1981 extended play #1981 ep #mypost #choke #bleed magic #absinthe #do it all the time #long post

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

SPN 14x19, Jack In The Box -- Review

We're getting there. We're almost at the finale, I can hardly believe it. It feels like season 14 only just recently started airing but yet, strangely at the same time, it feels like season 14 has been going forever. While I can definitely say that season 14 hasn't been my favorite season, it most certainly has been taking me on a wild ride. This week we have 14x19, Jack in the Box.

There will be spoilers so maybe don't read this if you haven't seen the episode.

I do want to say right off the bat that the episode name, "Jack in the Box" while a perfect title for this episode, it also completely spoils the episode before you even get into it. I didn't even need to watch the promo trailer (which I didn't) to know that this episode was going to surround the idea of Jack being stuffed in that malak coffin. But that's neither here nor there. Just a casual observation. I'm not really complaining about it, just simply stating that it's not exactly rocket science to see the title of the episode and make a somewhat accurate conjecture on what's going to happen.

Let's begin with the episode starting off with Mary's "wake" I guess. I'm assuming these extras are meant to be a mix of the regular hunters and the au!hunters that survived au!Michael. Everyone's having a good time reminiscing about Mary and then out of nowhere an axe flies killing one of hunters and it's revealed that the killer is au!Bobby and the hunter he killed was actually a wraith in disguise. And this scene, the tone of the scene, it was a little weird. For one thing, it takes a while before it's made explicit that au!Bobby killed this dude because he was a wraith. I want to say the scene goes on for about 10-15 seconds before they make it clear that au!Bobby was killing a monster and not one of his own and 15 seconds is an eternity in film practically. It was kind of jarring and then just seeing everyone not even blink an eye, just an, "hey, how are you, Bobby? Glad you could make it. Thanks for sticking that axe in that dude's nagen." I do have a certain amount of respect for that wraith, though. Going into a hunter headquarters full of hunters to gloat over another hunter's death...while not necessarily classy and somewhat ill-advised and stupid, I gotta respect the dude's guts. I'm sure the dude's having a grand old time in Purgatory now. Dude was clearly not one to shy away from a fight. But anyway, before, I mentioned how this moment was kind of jarring. And I'm thinking perhaps by design for the sake of symbolism and foreshadowing. We got a monster in the headquarters of hunters so I can see that as symbolism and foreshadowing that there's a monster in our heroes, as well. Throughout this episode we've seen our heroes grappling with things that are bad and could be considered monstrous by their own standards. We have Jack sinking further and further into darkness, basically letting the monster within take control even if it is through Dumah's manipulation. Then we have Sam and Dean grappling with betraying Jack, something neither of them are comfortable with. There's Cas killing Dumah and for Cas, he doesn't take killing angels lightly considering the immense guilt he already harbors towards them. Au!Bobby deciding that finding a way by any means necessary to take Jack off the playing field could be seen as letting the monster take over, as well. And then there's another angle to think about in which au!Bobby killed the monster hiding amongst the hunters which is interesting to think about as his aim is to kill Jack who's technically a monster living amongst hunters. And it also leads into the idea of Sam and Dean taking the same approach with Jack.

And while we're on the subject of Mary's wake, there was something I noticed in that scene where it felt like Dean's body language was very closed off to Cas. When he's giving the speech about how great Mary was, when referring to Mary as a mother, his gestures are always open to Sam but closed off from Cas despite Mary viewing Cas as a son and "one of her boys". So obviously, things are still a little tense between Dean and Cas. I'm not really looking to get into the "you're dead to me" drama here. I'll do that in different posts if I so choose but for the sake of this review and my commentary on this episode, I thought it was worth a mention and was wondering whether anyone else picked up on that.

In this episode, we have Jack getting some more bad advice from Negative Jack which ultimately leaves him quite vulnerable to emotional manipulation by Dumah. And Jack is super relatable in these moments, too. Technically, Jack is only two-years-old but emotionally, I'd say he's probably around 10 or 11-years-old. Emotionally, he's at an age where he wants to be included with adults but still lacks the capacity to make decisions based on his own self and instead he's doing whatever he thinks will make his family happy. It's really easy to be manipulated at that age. You want to hang out with the big kids but you haven't quite figured out that there's a whole new set of rules to hanging out with the big kids.

And Dumah's betrayal actually does make a certain amount of sense. She's the first angel that really showed much of an interest in Jack. She was the first one that really made it known that she saw a use for Jack. She was the one who first mentioned using Jack to create more angels. I haven't really talked that much about Mary's death being a conspiracy. I really just wanted to wait and see but Dumah's actions in this episode kind of lends a lot to that. It doesn't make complete sense because if she was the mastermind behind this why did she wait to talk to Cas before making her move? She clearly could find Jack reasonably quickly (I'm not sure how, but whatever) so why did it take her so long to do the initial search if this was her endgame? Or maybe it's a conspiracy on Billie's end? I'm still kind of side-eyeing her introducing the idea of the malak box when ultimately it wasn't necessary despite her telling Dean it was the solution that allowed everyone to live. Once again, I'll bring up my idea of Billie as an unreliable narrator. I'm certainly not calling Billie a villain or anything, but she is a character with her own agency and her own set of goals and it's important to note that while she may be willing to work with the Winchesters if the occasion calls for it, they have a business relationship with each other not necessarily a friendship one. She's playing the cards to get her own job done, what she feels is productive to this universe.

So I loved the confrontation scene between Cas and Dumah. As I mentioned before, a little bit of symbolism linking back to the beginning scene but I also saw Dumah as a mirror of Cas. A mirror of who Cas used to be. Season 6 Cas with sprinkles of Season 8 Cas. Dumah is all about trying to save heaven much like Cas once was and she isn't too choosy on how she goes about it. And then there was the threat on John and Mary very similar to Cas breaking down Sam's soul wall and telling Dean that he'll save Lisa and Ben if Dean supports his plan. So throughout this scene, Cas was basically looking at a previous version of himself, a side of himself that he hates and the scene culminating in Cas killing Dumah paints a clear picture, at least in my reading, of Cas killing the previous version of himself and perhaps paving the way to him forgiving himself. He certainly hasn't forgiven himself yet but symbolically, I think was a step in that direction. And also a nice parallel with trying to protect his family. He wasnt going to let Dumah do that to John and Mary so it's interesting when at the wake he came off as feeling like a little bit of an outsider of the group who wasn't necessarily being seen as one of the family, and then doing this to protect the family he was being treated as if he didn't belong to.

I'm going to refrain from talking about the whole manipulating Jack into the malak box as I fear I might get a little critical of Dean as a character if I try and do that. Truthfully, I've been somewhat quiet in these reviews in regards to Dean because I just want to wait and see where he ends up at the end of the season before I start really talking about his actions in these past couple of episodes. Needless to say, I understand why he's reacting the way he is but at the same time, it doesn't make it right and I'm not going to make excuses for him and I hope the show does something in which he acknowledges it and grows from it. And also, regarding the Malak box, they couldn't have made it a little bit comfortable for Jack? Throw a pillow in there. A blanket. A book to read? A stuffed animal he cherishes? You know something to make him feel like he wasn't being abandoned.

And locking away your problems in a cage, in a box? How very Chuck-like of the Winchesters considering that's what they got on Chuck about in season 11. If Chuck really is going to make an appearence in the finale, that would be an interesting conversation to have. Perhaps the Winchesters are seeing a little more from Chuck's point of view.

Well, I think that's the end of my ramblings. I hope you all enjoyed it. I certainly enjoyed this episode. Not bad for a BL episode. It could've been way worse but it was quite unlike BL to have such a grounded episode, it kind of took me by surprise. But I did feel like this episode's dialogue and directing was a little bland. Nothing very memorable in the cinematography or musical score. I'd give this episode a B-. It's enjoyable, it kept me interested but it's not something I really have any compulsion to return to.

As always tagging my friends @metafest to weigh in if they so choose. We got the finale next and I'm super excited to see how this season leaves us.

#spn 14.19 #spn 14x19

[sulietsexual]

Without sparing my feelings, tell me exactly how you feel about Delena! Damon and Elena are bad for each other in many ways, of course, yet is there anyone you thought would be better for both of them (like, the way things are in the show)? I honestly have so many questions about Delena for you haha. I'm obsessed with them right now!!

Okay, so like, I can objectively see that Damon and Elena are toxic and unhealthy and obsessive and completely lost in one another to the point where they can’t really function without each other but you know what? I freakin’ love them. I never thought I would enjoy the pairing as much as I do but there is something so addictive about Delena as a ship, something twisted and dark and totally fucked up but so damn appealing. And I think that it is a ship which was built really well and developed really organically (possibly with the exception of Season 6 but we’ll get into that later).

I’m currently re-watching the series from the beginning and, even though there’s nothing romantic between Damon and Elena in Season 1, you can clearly see that there is a connection between them. Damon genuinely likes Elena (again, not in a romantic sense) but just as a person and Elena is the first person in a long time to acknowledge Damon’s feelings and offer him sympathy and empathy. They also connect due to their love for Stefan; neither can completely dislike or hurt the other because they recognise how much they both love Stefan and how much it would hurt him if they hurt each other. It’s kind of beautiful that the reason they bond is because they recognise this depth of love in one another, even if it’s not yet love for each other.

I also think that Elena understands the deep and obsessive love Damon has for Katherine because, on some level, she is capable of the same sort of dark and obsessive love (as we see later in the series when she does finally fall for Damon). But part of Elena really identifies with this emotionally charged, deep, dark love and I think this makes Damon intriguing to her, even if she doesn’t hold any romantic feelings for him.

I don’t think that Elena has any sort of romantic feelings for Damon until Season 3. While they do share a few moments throughout Seasons 1 and 2, Elena’s love for Stefan is too strong and too pure for her to allow any attraction to Damon to disrupt that. She is very steadfast in her love for Stefan for the first two seasons, even when she does share moments with Damon. But all that changes in Season 3, which is one of my favourite seasons for the pairing.

With Stefan off being all Ripper-like, Elena is forced to confront his dark side which, IMO, makes her see that he’s actually not all that different from Damon and I think that revelation lessens her guilt over her attraction to Damon and opens her up to her feelings for him. Over Season 3 we see Elena really connect with Damon as they try to save Stefan and the more time she spends with him, the deeper her emotions run, until she can’t hold back anymore and she finally acknowledges how much she feels for him when they are staying together in the motel. That scene where they run outside and kiss is one of my favourite Delena kisses because it’s a release of a year’s worth of built up attraction, Elena finally giving in to her feelings and letting go, and it’s beautiful and charged and sexy as hell.

I’ve seen the argument over and over in the fandom that if Elena hadn’t been turned into a vampire, she and Damon would never have gotten together and I actually agree with this statement. As a human, despite her very real and deep feelings for Damon, Elena probably would have returned to Stefan. But the thing is, Elena was turned into a vampire. That is part of her story. It doesn’t matter what she would have done if she hadn’t been turned because she was turned and this provided the gateway for her and Damon to finally give into their feelings entirely.

Okay, so let’s address the giant elephant in the room; the sire bond. I get why fans hated this storyline. I understand why some argue that the sire bond was the reason Elena fell for Damon. But I don’t agree with it and I also don’t believe that the sire bond was put into the storyline to force Delena to happen. I actually think it was worked into the storyline for an entirely different reason.

I think that when the decision was made to turn Elena into a vampire, the writers wanted her to go through the whole vampire experience, including feeding off and killing people. I think they really wanted to explore a darker version of Elena but, given what we already knew about her character and how she was portrayed within the narrative as a “good” and “pure” character, they were backed into a corner because it wouldn’t be in-keeping with her character for her to suddenly start feeding on humans and showing no regard for human life. So they created the sire bond in order to link her need to feed to that, in order to make it so she initially had to feed off humans because Damon told her to. They then used the sire bond to switch off Elena’s humanity (which she never would have done on her own accord) so they could explore the darkest version of the character they could and have her commit murder without consequence.

But I don’t believe that the sire bond was put there in order to make Delena happen. Elena’s feelings for Damon had been building for all of Season 3. She was already in love with him when she turned and, as the show itself points out, the sire bond happened because those feelings were already in place. Once Damon shut off her humanity, the bond was broken, and yet when Elena turned her humanity back on, her feelings for Damon remained and, as a vampire, she could finally freely give in to them and be with Damon without guilt or fear. She chooses Damon at the end of Season 4 freely and she never wavers in that decision over the next two seasons.

Now let’s talk about Season 5 Delena, because I freakin’ love Season 5 Delena! I love the intensity and the passion, the happiness they share, the complete and utter joy they bring out in one another. I love the ups and downs, Elena finding out that Damon is still killing, Damon trying to break up with her because he doesn’t feel that he’s good enough for her, Elena fighting to get back to him, admitting that while she knows he’s dangerous and toxic and reckless and he makes her question everything, she still loves him, utterly and completely. I love the two of them holding hands and driving into the Grill, dying together and trusting that they will find their way back to each other. Elena once said that Damon consumes her and I think this is never illustrated better than in Season 5, where she questions everything about Damon and about their relationship but she cannot fall out of love with him. It’s messed up and obsessive and unhealthy and it’s also amazing and addictive and absolutely breathtaking to watch.

Then there’s Season 6 … I have some issues with the writing of the pairing this season. I understand that the writers wanted to show that Elena fell for Damon of her own accord and that it wasn’t the sire bond which made her fall in love but erasing her memories was a huge misstep (at least for me).

I understand why Elena elected to erase her memories of Damon. She was in so much pain after his death. Elena has lost so many people but she believed that if there was one person who would never leave her, it was Damon. She had committed to eternity with him and suddenly being faced with the prospect of spending it without him was just too overwhelming for her and I think it was the perfect way to show just how fully and obsessively she loved him. I also really like the scenes where Alaric forced her to dig deep and figure out exactly when she fell for Damon, the point of no return for her. But I hated that Alaric was unable to restore her memories (because it felt like such a cheap trick to keep Damon and Elena apart) and then I didn’t feel that they developed Elena’s new feelings for Damon all that well.

I can’t quite explain it properly but it felt to me that they rushed Elena’s re-developing feelings for Damon. For the first time in the course of the entire pairing, I didn’t feel it from Elena. I could see that the writers were trying to show how Damon still teased out the same feelings in Elena that he had before she lost her memories, that they still had the same connection, but a lot of it fell flat for me, at least until the last handful of episodes of the season. And that kind of sucked for me, because until then, I enjoyed the hell out of the pairing.

Once Elena regains her memories and everything came flooding back for her, I felt the connection to the ship re-spark for me and I especially loved that Damon’s love for Elena had become so good and strong and devoted that he wanted to take the Cure with her. I loved his speech about how he was willing to risk everything for the chance at a normal life with her. And their final goodbye after Elena is put under Kai’s spell, with them dancing in the street together was beautiful and one of the best moments of their relationship.

Even though the Delena pairing has a lot of toxicity and is unhealthily obsessive and co-dependent, I really love it, because it’s messy and broken and complex and dark and twisted. It’s such an interesting and addictive ship and I can really understand now why it was so popular during the show’s initial run.

Oh, and to answer your question of whether I think there is anyone better for them, well, technically Stefan was better for Elena, at least when she was human, but I think that she grew out of that relationship and that the person she was by the end of her run on the series wasn’t someone who was still compatible with Stefan. And while I like Katherine and Damon’s dynamic (and the way it plays into the Delena dynamic) I honestly don’t think there was a better match for Damon than Elena once she became a vampire, because she really understood his darker impulses and his deeper nature better than anyone else on the show.

#we-pay-for-everything #the vampire diaries #tvd meta #delena #delena meta #answered #meta

[evapunk333]

Confession/Confession-Confessional Sex (NSFW)

For @ghostbcfandomevents. I strongly recommend that you do read my ongoing FanFic if you want to know more about the characters...but if you just want smut..that's fine too. But here's the link if you want to read that first..

"Forgive me Cardinal for I have sinned, and it was not one of the good ones. It's been…uh..shit, I guess about 6 months since my last confession. Probably too long, but what I did this time was really bad." The Sister delayed telling him, it was hard for her to say.

"Your Cardinal can't forgive you if you don't tell me child."

"Yes, of course. Sorry. Uh, well..what I did was not tell a lover of mine about a previous lover that I was still seeing, well 2 previous lovers I was still seeing if you want to get technical about it."

"This is a grievous sin my child. Even if people call our Lord Satan, The Great Deceiver, he values honesty, even if it does hurt."

"Yes, I am aware. But it's not like I deliberately tried to deceive anyone. I was just waiting for the right time, and I guess time got away from me. Plus, I was not sure of my feelings for my newest lover until now. But now I realize that I care for him SO much. And I'm SO sorry for not realizing I was being so stupid! So please Cardinal, I beg of you, can you forgive me?"

Tears started to well up in her eyes. She could hear a sigh coming from the other side of the thin wall. Suddenly, the door to the wall opened. She quickly ducked over to the other side and prostrated herself at the feet of the seated Cardinal and began to cry in his lap.

"Please Copia, forgive me. I didn't know that Dewdrop would get so incredibly jealous. I figured that he would understand eventually since he knows I love him too. I'm just SO sorry he hit you." She looked up at Copia and noticed his bruised nose and slight scratches on his face. She knew that he had a black eye as well, but it was hard to see under the paint around his eyes.

Copia just looked at her not quite knowing what to say. But he knew that he hated to see her in tears, practically begging for his forgiveness.

"I don't know Gwyn. I can forgive Dew for his impulsiveness, but why did you not tell me? Or him for that matter?"

"I don't know, I knew I would eventually but just kept putting it off. I guess I was just afraid. Afraid you wouldn't be ok with sharing me with your 2 guitarists. Afraid Dew would break up with me. Afraid you wouldn't understand that I still had feelings for you even if I did also have feelings for Aether and Dew. Ugh…I just fucked up! I'm so stupid to have let it go on this long! I just don't want to choose..I want all of you. Please don't make me choose..."

She put her head in his lap again. Copia ran his hand over her head to calm her. He also didn't quite know what to feel. He could tell she was sorry for what she had done, but he didn't really envy the thought of sharing her with 2 other people. This was completely new territory for him. However, the thought of not having her around hurt far more than knowing he had to share his time with her. He knew what he had to do.

"Tesoro, look at me please."

Gwyn followed his command and looked up at him. Her eyes were red and tears still streamed down her face. Copia took her face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe away some of her tears.

"I will not make you choose. But I cannot guarantee that this will work. However, I care for you too deeply to lose you." Copia sighed again, "so..your Cardinal forgives you."

Gwyn was so ecstatic that she almost squealed as she hopped up onto Copia's lap and wrapped her legs around him. Copia grunted at the sudden weight he was not prepared for.

"Oh Copia, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

She proceeded to kiss him all over his face amidst her expressions of gratitude. Copia tried to kiss her back when he could, but her lips were moving around on his face so much that he could only make awkward attempts. Finally, when he'd had enough, he stopped her face with his hands and kissed her properly. As the kiss lengthened, he noticed that she was grinding her hips into his groin. He could feel himself harden a little due to the friction.

He broke away from the kiss, "Gwyn, what are you doing. We cannot do this here."

"Why not?"

She went back to kissing him and grinding her hips into him. It was starting to drive Copia a little insane.

He broke away from the kiss again, "Because I still have confessions to take."

"No you don't. I waited until everyone was gone. We're alone." She went back to kissing him again while unbuttoning her habit dress to get it more easily over her head.

Copia stopped the kiss again, "Are you positive?"

"Sweet Satan, yes!"

She kissed him again, but this time Copia didn't kiss back, he just did his best to speak with her mouth on his.

"Gwyn, we really shouldn't do this here. What if someone comes back and hears us?"

She stopped and gave him a glaring, annoyed look.

"Cardinal Copia!, please do not make me wait. I waited all day to apologize to you and I've also spent most of the day worried I might never get to see you again. I need you so bad right now!"

She stared at him with the biggest doe eyes and most pouty bottom lip that he had ever seen on her.

"Please?"

Needless to say, Copia caved…

He shrugged his shoulders in acceptance and went back to kissing her while unbuttoning his cassock. Gwyn finally removed her habit dress, she was wearing nothing underneath. Copia also didn't bother with wearing much of anything under his cassock today so once his arms were free, he only needed to pull the rest down over his knees, a process that was aided by the Gwyn. Once disrobed, Copia's cock throbbed between the two of them. Gwyn wasted no time and immediately mounted herself on him. They both let out a guttural moan at the feeling of finally becoming one.

"Fuck, you were not kidding."

Gwyn wrapped her arms around his neck for leverage and lifted herself up and down in his lap. "I missed you so much Copia."

Copia gripped her ass in his hands and squeezed, his hips thrusted to meet her every motion.

"I missed you too tesoro."

Gwyn moaned deeply when he spoke, "Fuck I love it when you call me that!"

Copia grinned at her and drove into her deeper, her pace quickened on top of him. The chair Copia sat in creaked dangerously, like it might fall apart any second. Realizing that they were putting too much stress on the chair, Copia made a decision.

"Wait, ugh..stop."

Gwyn stopped, but was confused since she was getting so close to what she needed. Copia lifted her off of him and they both stood up as best they could in the small space. He bid her to bend over the chair and grab ahold of the ledge behind it while he stood behind her. He entered her again, but this time he set the pace of their lovemaking. He was slow and methodical, reaching as far as he could inside her and backing all the way out to leave her aching for more. To make sure that her clit was not abandoned, he bent over her back and reached around her waist. His fingers slipped between her lips easily and he found what he was looking for. As he thrusted inside her, his fingertips worked on her engorged clit, playing it like one of his Ghoul's played guitar. With his other hand, he cupped her breast and felt the hardness of her nipple against his palm. He allowed the sensitive nub to rub gently against his hand as they moved in rhythm.

With multiple erogenous zones stimulated, he could feel her tighten around him. He moved faster, sweat dripping from his brow at the exertion. Soon a strained noise escaped her lips and her hand slapped harshly against the wall of the confessional. He could feel her stomach clench and then her entire body went slack.

Copia knew it was his turn now. He put both hands on her hips and pounded into her relentlessly. Gwyn whimpered, but Copia continued chasing his release. As he dug his fingers into her hips, he could feel his thighs ache. But then finally the wave washed over him and he spilled all of his love inside her.

In the aftermath, his knees nearly buckled but he steadied himself on Gwyn's back who was still bending over in front of him. Once recovered, he kissed her back and stood up, as did Gwyn. She turned around to face him and they kissed again, this time much more languidly. When the kiss was over, they both just stood there naked holding each other. They were both sweaty and hot in the cramped space, and their skin stuck together. But none of that really mattered because neither of them really wanted to let the other go. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Copia spoke up, "Now how on earth are we going to fix your relationship Dewdrop?"