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baby-onthe-brain · 5 years

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Affording Baby

Originally Posted 12 March 2018

I’m not going to lie… This is the part that scares me the most. I’ve never been affluent, and there’s only one period in my life where I’ve been well off — a three-year stretch when I was a child myself. The topic of finances isn’t a comfortable one for me, and I’m routinely embittered about all the folks who seemingly have more than I do.

Not necessarily material things, but also the experiences that financial freedom often grants. Things like routine travel expeditions, or not having to worry about going over your grocery budget and the successive awkwardness of having to ask the cashier to take some items off the bill. I’m trying to get better about it, especially since Rhys brought up a little while ago just how often I voice my opinions on it, but it’s still there in the back of my mind. I’m working on it.

I will not the first (nor will I be the last) to say that having kids is expensive. Really, really expensive. Children are a 20-year investment or longer, and you’d best be ready for the long haul (especially if the economy keeps going the way it is). Which is why when you’re actually planning for a baby, it’s a good idea to make sure you can actually afford one. Or two.

Or three. You know how it goes.

Now, I’m sure that you’re aware of the procession of mommy blogs out there that tell you “how to financially plan for a baby in 5 easy steps.” While these blogs are often repetitive and from an upper-middle-class perspective, they do have some useful advice. Some of the stuff I have to laugh at, like cutting down on routine unnecessary purchases (like mall trips or lattes) and setting that aside into a baby fund instead. Other stuff, though… That stuff is good.

One of the things that I’ve really taken to heart from my research is to accumulate essential baby things slowly over an extended amount of time. It would scar up anybody’s finances if you suddenly had to jam outfitting an entire nursery plus stock up food, and clothing, and diapers, and every other necessity under the sun into less than a year’s worth of paycheques. Getting the job done slowly ensures that you can do a little at a time, without the side effect of wincing whenever you see your bank statement. Well… As much, anyway.

I’ve been accumulating in earnest for a while now, and have been happy to discover that most of it can be gotten second-hand. This cuts down on costs incredibly, and I can help to reuse items that still have a good lifespan to them. Most of these financially-savvy mamas also recommend asking your friends and family for hand-me-downs, which I fully intend to do once I actually have a due date. Keep in mind that a baby shower, if you’re going to have one, will also help you accumulate smaller stuff. A friend of mine said that she didn’t have to worry about getting baby clothes because she’d gotten a whole stock of them as gifts. Score!

There is, of course, the necessity of actually looking at your finances. As I mentioned earlier, this is one of the scary parts for me. Rhys and I don’t exactly live in the lap of luxury; while we are comfortable, it’s an uneasy comfort that comes from a lot of organisation and budgeting. This is something we’ve earnestly taken to in recent months, revising our budget and figuring out down to the (useless) penny where our money is going and when. This new budget is still in its early stages, but it’s so far been helping immensely in making sure we can stay afloat and still get where we need to go.

One of the things that baby prep resources across the board (mommy blogs, books, web-based resources, etc.) have asserted is that you must reduce debt as much as possible. This to me is a no-brainer, but one that becomes rather difficult when you’re saddled with student loans you can’t pay out. My advice is to pay the smallest debt off first and work your way up. If you have a credit card, or somebody loaned you money, get those paid off first. Then, when you’ve gotten them out of the way, move the money you’ve been using to pay those off to the next smallest payment.

Of course, this entirely depends on how much you make, how much debt you have, and a whole slew of other things. I’m not a financial advisor by any means, so if you’re really in trouble financially, seek out help! There are hundreds of debt consolidation and consultation businesses available to you. For example, both Rhys and I are in the process of repayment assistance for our student loans, which means we don’t have to think about them right now. We wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway, but it’s nice to know that we’re not being thrown under the bus because we couldn't pay for our educations out of pocket.

One of the things that the baby prep book I’m reading (Rachel Pepper’s Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians) brought up is all the legal stuff you don’t really think about. Admittedly, I completely forgot to factor in stuff like wills, life insurance, and RESPs. Well… No, okay that’s a lie. I’ve had it in my head for years that the moment I conceive, I am going to open an RESP account for my baby. I don’t want them to have to suffer through student loans if I can help it. But, in the grand scheme of things when you’re already worrying about the money you’ll be spending on your little one in the coming months… Well. It’s a kick in the butt.

Thinking about things like your baby’s education when they’re not even born yet, or whether they’ll be able to get by if anything ever happens to you unexpectedly can be a bit of a stretch… But a necessary one. The book I mentioned before stresses how wills especially are important for LGBTQA+ couples, or other couples who underwent ART. The will is a legally binding document that makes your wishes known, and will hold up better in court, should the need arise, than a co-parenting agreement or a known-donor agreement. This is fundamental if you want your partner to have custody of your little one in the event of your passing, especially if they’re not on the birth certificate. Rhys and I have thought about what would happen, should our little one be left stranded without both of us. Not concretely, mind you, but we’ve at least broached the subject.

Wow, this post has turned way more into one of those mommy blog posts than I was expecting it to. Apologies, if that’s not what you were looking for!

Back to the topic, in general, though… I’m not going to say that if you follow the steps I listed above, or any steps found online or in books, that you’ll be completely financially prepared. If there’s anything working in childcare has taught me, it’s that kids throw curveballs just by existing. There will be moments where you’re wholly unprepared for a situation, and just need to roll with it. Doing what you can now will help take the strain off for sure, but don’t freak out if you haven’t paid off all your debt, or if you haven’t saved as much as you wanted. Life happens. Shit happens. It’ll be okay. Do what you can.

I think that one of the reasons why I even started writing this blog post, is because I’ve been coming up against a lot of doubt from myself and others recently. Working out the budget I mentioned earlier scared me shitless about how we were supposed to afford a baby with all the other stuff on top of it. In addition to that, when I asked a “friend” whether I should set up a crowdfunding button to go on this blog to help with the added cost of ART, she came back with a rather judgemental: “If you can’t come up with an extra $2000 for that,” (HA! If only it cost just $2000….) “then should you really be having kids?”

Ouch. Right to the heart of my anxieties. Thanks, I needed that. Please take your entitled, unknowledgeable ass right out of my house. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out. It’s not like I haven’t thought about this for DAYS on end and stretched and thought and researched…. No, I’m not like that at all.

I should have known better, to be honest. This particular “friend” has no interest in having children herself or being around them for extended periods of time. She has frequently been seen rolling her eyes at all my preparatory excitement, and giving me long looks that essentially said: “oh my god this again?” Her comment really tore into me, though, like a good cat-scratch, and I find myself still thinking about it. I know exactly where I stand socioeconomically, and I know at least generally how difficult it’s going to be, raising a child. There are tons of considerations I’ve already discovered, and tons more that I haven’t even thought of. But if I’m going to let my financial situation forestall my desire to be a mother, do I really deserve to be one? Situations can change.

One of my favourite romance movies of all time, P.S. I Love You has this really exceptional scene in it that I’ve kept with me since seeing it the first time. Granted, the whole movie is about losing a loved one (spoilers?), but it doesn’t start like that. I’ve been thinking about it more and more, and it’s acted like a sort of balm against some of the bile coming from doubters, including my own anxiety.

It’s the opening scene, and Holly (Hilary Swank) is mad at her husband Gerry (Gerard Butler) because of something he’d said during dinner with Holly’s mother (Kathy Bates). Finally, it comes out that Holly is mad at Gerry because he said she didn’t want children right then (along with a slew of other semi-related issues). The scene shows that Holly is a planner, and a worrier, and frequently gets inside her own head and lets her anxieties get the better of her, and I feel that, girl. The whole opening scene is so relatable and almost perfectly voices my anxieties about preparing for a baby. What sticks with me most is what Gerry says though:

“People have babies with no money all the time…. We’re not a mistake just because we don’t have any money.”

You’ve just got to work through it. You’ve got to rely upon one another and support one another, and do what you can. Things will turn out one way or the other (even if you’re not a cute, carefree Irish guy). It may take longer than you want it to, like it will with us, but… You’ll get there. We will too.

Do you have any hacks or saving tips? Have you had similarly unsupportive friends? Let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear from you.

#preconception chronicles #baby prep #finances #financial matters #money matters #little bit of a rant #PS I Love You #hillary swank #gerard butler #pop-culture reference #kathy bates

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