#if he's never had a patient like me

[journal-from-the-heart]

i think, for trauma survivors, especially those who were emotionally abused, invalidated, or gaslit, it is really important not to underestimate the significance of speaking bluntly about what happened to you. Forcing yourself not to beat around the bush, not to downplay what you went through with your words. say what happened, without any caveats, without any “but it could’ve been worse”, “but i might just be being overdramatic”, “but it wasn’t really THAT bad,” and so forth. sit with the discomfort until you can begin to let yourself realize that it WAS that bad, you WERENT being overdramatic, and even if it could’ve been worse you still didn’t deserve it. It’s almost like a form of reclamation, taking back your memories, taking back your life, even the difficult or gross parts, and refusing to let anyone change the narrative or tell you how you should feel anymore, even yourself. and it hurts and it’s scary and it feels weird and awkward and sometimes you want to convince yourself you’re lying, but i think sitting in those weird feelings and letting yourself admit that you really did go through trauma puts the power back in your hands to process things and be compassionate to yourself while you heal

#like. recently i’ve been reflecting a lot on this trauma i have with this absolutely godawful english teacher i had in grade 7 #he was an absolute creep and even though he never touched me i knew he touched other girls and made even creepier comments to them #than he did to me. and i never really had time to fully understand the gravity of the damage he did to me because i was #so focused on the fact that it could’ve been worse and he never even actually touched me or got that close to me save a few times #but yesterday as i was reflecting on this i finally got myself to admit. i was terrified of him and i was terrified for every fucking minute #that i spent in that class. and i was a child who never should’ve had to deal with that and it’s clear that i still have a lot of problems #from that whole event. and the more times i repeat that and get myself to understand it. the more i’m able to be compassionate to myself now #and patient with myself in the things i struggle with as a result of what happened #childhood trauma #trauma #cptsd healing #cptsd recovery #cptsdawareness #trauma survivor #trauma recovery

[sergle]

Worth mentioning that I'm partially switching doctors bc when I was running all over the place trying to get my surgery shit set up in time, and I went to the bloodwork lab for the second time, I vented just a little bit to the woman who's been working there a long time. being like. I've had to do this and that and my doctor said this and that he can't find this... and she was like Hmm. You have Dr. (name of my doctor), don't you?

#SHE KNEW HIS NAME #his practice literally has a reputation at this lab for being a huge mess #bc she regularly gets his patients having to boomerang to the lab................................. #that was quite a day. this was some weeks back #ofc. since it was before surgery #sergle.txt #and she wrote down the name of this other dr. for me. and I haven't gone to see him yet #but he's at least never had his fucking license suspended #this wasn't the Reason but it was the Last Straw in deciding I'm not going back to this doc and I hope he dies #I was already becoming painfully aware that I think he's incompetent #and I was realizing that I was so upset about the idea of Him administering an EKG for me #him specifically. bc I had read that you gotta take your shirt off and ALSO YOUR BRA #even though when I got the ekg at another hospital I got to keep my bra off. but anyway #I SPECIFICALLY didn't want HIM to do it. and like. well I can't have him be my doctor if I feel that strongly.

[perplexingly]

I’m so damn tired

#when I first started working whre I do I made the mistake of being reliable and efficient #and ever since then any work that needed to be done fast/that others didn’t want to learn was put on me #and it’s especially bad with one coworker who’s beena senior for years who kept delegating a lot of his tasks over to me #and I got super annoyed last week and then we had a chat about it #and he started started saying that I need to be more patient #and when I gave him feedback about his work ethics back he said ‘but I’m old I can’t learn new things’ #💀 #he also keeps saying that I need to learn to talk these things through with ppl (because I complained to my art dir rather than to him) #but then any work that requires collaboration with another department he always delegates to me #like I’ve never in my life seen him talk with ppl outside the 3d art team #it’s so tiring every time we’re on thr same project it feels like I’m doing work for two people 💀

[lord-squiggletits]

Speaking of Tyrest. A lot of people forget that he treated Pharma with absolute disdain, not only using him as a test subject for a clearly painful mass murder machine, but talking to Pharma like he saw him as nothing but some henchman to order around that was nothing more than a 'diseased cripple' if Tyrest hadn't come to rescue him.

Like it really is an interesting background dynamic with some curious implications, but when you look at fandom posts from around that issue/the years after, for some reason people just saw "Pharma worked with Tyrest" and concluded Pharma is a card carrying bigot ksjfnskxkd. Like yeah Pharma didn't do anything to stop Tyrest but it seems his main beef with the Autobots was with Ratchet in particular and maybe a general disdain for his ex-comrades. As well as continuing to hate Decepticons which like, not even the "good Autobots" are immune to (even in Pharma's introduction, First Aid says in his journal something like "yeah we all hate Decepticons, but Pharma REALLY hates them"). And despite what fandom likes to construe there's really no evidence in IDW1 that Autobots and Decepticons are different "races" or "types" of Cybertronians, so Pharma hating Decepticons really isn't a bigotry/robot racism thing. And instead probably has something to do with, idk, the 4 million year long galaxy-spanning blood feud war, or maybe being blackmailed and tortured into insanity by the Biggest and Most Decepticon-y of Decepticons.

Tyrest treated Pharma like trash, the other Decepticons working for Tyrest (how come no one ever brings that up btw) also hated him, so if anything it seems that Pharma was more of a rogue element only staying with Tyrest bc he was his best option and probably had no way to even escape.

I'm glad that at least in recent years the fandom has acquired a keen reading eye and good taste to finally recognize Pharma as the (accidentally) complex character he is instead of making him some posh, racist Starscream clone SHSJDGSGDH

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #yeah i'm apologisting again i guess my mental health is somewhat okay again dkdkkxckkddkd #(my followers seeing me post about pharma) nature is healing #there's also that line where pharma says 'maybe i can help' and skids is like #'fuck off and hope we don't beat you to death after this is over' #they didnt know that pharma was a test subject of the killswitch but wow #that's prolly one of the most out of pocket moments of the story that ive never seen anyone mention #honestly that moment is why i think JRO didnt intend pharma to be That Deep #i feel like that sort of 'not even other autobots like him' treatment is something #that comes up a lot in JRO's villain writing. or like asshole behavior towards some characters #is just plot events proceeding as usual. nothing to see just villains getting their due #tho tbh pharma's character in general suffers from the problem that he's so closely related to a main/major characyer #that it wouldve made way more sense for him to be written in earlier #so all his connections w/ ratchet and the plot had to be established retroactively #also speaking of 'asshole behavior excused bc it's towards a villain' #all those times when people are like (fucking amazing piece of medical research by pharma) #'then he started murdering his patients. what a piece of shit' #like idk it could have been intentional but imo all my readings of pharma were not really intended by JRO #and i'm fully just headcanoning and constructing theories on my own #like pharma was simply not important enough or a major enough character to get fleshed ojt #so basically we get enough pieces of him to establish continuity and a general timeline of his life and thats all

[rainymoodlet]

I'd be appalled if I saw you ever try to be a saint I wouldn't fall for someone I thought couldn't misbehave But I want you to know that I've had no love like your love

From nobody. 🌵

#ts4 #ts4 edit #ts4 screenshots #ts4 gameplay #;tjol #;tjol+ #ts4 legacy #sim: dallas #sim: shingo #|| #🥹 i am overwhelmed with emotions okay #engagement photos for my babies~ because never in my whole life did i think a randomly generated sim would capture my love like rangi did #but here shingo is :') now the whole 'nanny sasaki is here' notif makes me so emotional when i find it in screenshots dsfjkhd #for a small summary: dallas is my tjol founder + shingo is the first nanny that showed up to babysit ivory (our heir) when she was just an #infant :') he had a higher relationship with ivory than dallas did for a while dfhjfsd #he is such a sweet and caring sim and he's almost dallas' polar opposite - they're brash and loud and shingo is patient and quiet #he made them massive amounts of food every time he came over. it was the same routine: show up - put ivory to bed - make food - play w dogs #the 2 got extremely close & shingo was the one who always invited dallas out to festivals (i never took pics but they went to the festival #of lights when ivory was a lil bab it was so sweet ;o;) he kind of empathized with their situation & never judged them for calling at 11pm #before they went to work at 'the flamingo'. i was resistant to their totally natural developing relationship bc i was like?? no dallas is #way too hot for me to post them with this elder sim and say 'LISTEN ITS JUSTIFIED BECAUSE THEY'RE IN LOVE' but like... #if y'all had watched them the way i have you would understanddd #shingo loves dallas and ivory with all of his little pixel cpu-processed autonomous heart and its genuinely so fcking sweet i'm such a nerd #abt it but ughhh you have no idea T^T dude canonically doesn't want kids he's like 'nah ivory is my daughter i'm GOOD' mans is a #family-oriented nanny and when dallas asked him if he'd like children he said 'nah i'm good'. to their gorgeous face. like my guy that is #willpower of STEEL. IVORY WOULD'VE HAD A SIBLING SO FAST MAN DALLAS WAS READY WITH A CAPITAL R. #im not shitting u the 'loves partners butt/muscles' shows up every time they **** its precious. dallas is besotted with him and i never #should have denied them each other dsjkhdas #MY RANT IS DONE I PROMISE #I LOVE THEM SO FCKING MUCH THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO ME TALK ABT MY PIXEL PEOPLE

[theloveinc]

yandere!bakugo, essentially, TO ME, is just: "If you're good to someone, there's no reason they wouldn't love you. So i'll be good to them, even if it's by force."

#he genuinely thinks simply liking someone and treating them well is enough to make them love him #ignoring the fact you didn't have fun on the last date or the most recent one -- because you said it wasnt for any particular reason #(except he was dark and brooding and scary #and kissed you a little bit too long when he dropped you off.. his arm a just little too tight around your waist) #so why should he stop chasing you? the feelings are bound to stick anyway! he bought you something nice #and even waited very patiently for your to praise him... even if he had to remind you to and asked to go on a date as real thanks #there's nothing wrong with that!! #so why are u still so shy around him!! and have been so busy lately? it cant be on purpose can it? he made sure to kiss u hard at work #to the point you were squirming bc you didn't want people to see!! #caitie here: he's so pathetic he doesn't realize the more he doubles down the more he scares u #and by the time he decides he needs to show you much you mean to him and how to love him back... #he doesn't know that it will never be love. not anymore. not after how he's weighed you down #but he still things HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG #terrifying #i could go on. but. #this feels like a sloppy medium just ask me abt it lol #shii posts #gen

[sysig]

Okay but what if (Patreon)

#Doodles #TSP #Stanley #Me while reading: Now don't make a papercraft okay? Don't make a papercraft don't make a papercraft don't make a- #Predictably lol #It's the kind of structure that invites speculation! Who would you choose and what would their name be and how would they adapt #And The Stanley Parable wasn't even out at the time!! FJkldsafdf #Me when anything: I want to #Stanley would be so fun to play as ♪ Small but close-knit cast and since it's an institute it should have accommodations for his mutism #And he's no stranger to painful and confusing situations haha #You can see my indecision on which sign language Stanley knows haha #He never speaks so we don't know what accent Stanley would have but we know the Narrator is British! So #But I also don't know any British Sign Language and I know it's different than ASL òuò; #Granted my knowledge of ASL is far far far from fluent but I do know some at least so if /I/ was the one playing as him- #Anyway moot point since languages are directly translated anyway :P Though I wonder about sign language #I assume there were some nonverbal patients I just haven't seen any myself :0 #I have also made a Narrator card to match Stanley 😔 #Actually - hehe - I had a lot of fun picking their ''real'' names ♪ #The Narrator's was pretty easy honestly I knew I had to give him the first name Kevan and then I wanted to keep his last initial #So I went with ''Baker'' since it's a common name :) Very cute! #And then for Stanley since I headcanon him as being Greek/Latino - heavier on the Greek side - I gave him a Greek name! #Again same first initial - couple letters even for that ''St-'' sound :) - and scanned through some Greek last names #And liked the sound of Psomas with Stefano - but ♪ You'll never guess ♫ #It's a similarly common name for a reason - ''Psomas'' translates to ''bread maker'' #Kevan and Stefano Baker they're husbands fr your honour #Hghhghh I just think it's so cute!! And I didn't do it on purpose it was just a happy accident!! I love them <3

[birdmenanime]

Can you believe that the 2nd most important person to the story BARELY had ANY screen time of his blackout. WE SAW HIS BLACKOUT 3 WHOLE TIMES. NOT ENOUGH FOR ME TO DISSECT HIS GAY TRAUMATIZED BRAIN!

#pacing around the room crawling on all fours admiring the yellow wallpaper #we know it’s a bug we know his parents were entemologists we KNOW #that his parents jobs uprooted him from a young age and never had him learn social skills we KNOW that the job in south america #cost them their lives and caused Takayama to become what he is and we KNOW that certain bugs can fly and #that bugs are misunderstood. most people see bugs and freak out and you have to be patient and learn to like them #Takayamas blackouts always take up space and are ‘unsightly’ or mutated in some way #they’re impulsive and headstrong and lean with force and logic not heart #one of the bugs chanted ‘kill’ like it was the only word it knew. all Takayama ever did was fight and kill the trauma inside of him #and NEVER addressed it. kill the emotions kill the trauma kill the guilt #the second blackout was a mosquito a creature that takes blood and can cause malaria #the eyes VERY IMPORTANT were the same eye rings as to which seraphs get #tosses everything on the floor and madly trying to scramble up a connection #anyways. Takayama has done everything he could intentionally or not to kill anything human within him. he doesn’t know what hes doing or #who or what he is and it’s scary. he fails to save people over and over and he thinks he’s unsalvagable. #the real reason he reached out to the bird club was because he was lonely. so crushingly lonely. he can fight and kick the trauma #all he wants but at the end of the day hes the same kid he was the day his parents died and he became a seraphim #and maybe that’s why the third blackout is when he was about to finally meet eva. she is the only proof that he is real #eva is the only proof that takayama was once a kid. the only reminder #eva and Takayama’s relationship is weird but to me it I would say to Takayama Eva is like a mother to him #and eva used him from the start. #idk Takayama makes me lose my mind. have u ever considered how takayama #views himself as a bug. and the fact that bugs have never bothered karasuma #karasuma knows what Takayama is like but Karasuma has seen all of Takayama and still loves him #anyways how are YOU guys I wrote this while in horrible stomach pain. #birdmen #takayama sou

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes #i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses #i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything #it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever #i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless #everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad #i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards #but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like #ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything #it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but #she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible #we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway #it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without #sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks #i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18 #and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society #i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am #20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already #why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong #i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing #i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there #i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic #i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse #nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there #i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am #i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not #it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying #i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit #ramblings

[lighthouse-system]

Actually I feel like those experiences with a handful of bad therapists are why I want to keep Lighthouse the way it is. It's never meant to replace therapy, but I don't want others to go through what I did just to find a good one. Literally, processing some of my pain involved processing the nonsense that I went through with the bad therapists.

#A list of the stupid shit my ex-therapists did: #Turn a session into job hunting #Begin to arrange for me to get back with an abuser #Try to put me in witness protection (I was not in active danger at that time) #downplayed me getting swatted by state cops and said all attention is good attention #used my session to complain about their problem that morning #Asked to bring me back to religion #No-showed the appointment and then had ME written up for it. #Met an alter (Stu) and said he doesn't matter and should never show himself #Found me on FB to ask me to come back to their clinic #Said my dissociative symptoms only matter bc I might ''wander off'' like a dementia patient #Abruptly stop the session because they weren't interested in being clocked in anymore

[mostesteemedgingeroverlord]

I watched Scrubs for the first time in college, when I knew nothing about hospital culture or the weight of working in medicine. I liked it, I laughed, I cried, but I didn’t fully get it.

I’m rewatching it on the other side of the covid pandemic and three and half years of nursing later. Now it’s like therapy. It may lean more towards satire and be pretty silly at times, but it captures hospital dynamics and the emotionality and trauma of working in healthcare in a way that makes me feel seen.

#Im crying more this time around #i jsut watched the episode where JD Turk and Elliot all lose a patient after emotionally bonding with them #and it reminding me of the first patient I lost who I really had a connection with #i had worked so hard to recover him from septicemia #and he was getting better and crashed out of nowhere #I’d never cried like that before #my charge nurse and another nurse literally envolver me while I sobbed #anyways that’s a lot but this episode made me feel understood #tw death #tw illness #cw death #cw illness #tw medical #cw medical #scrubs

[averagemrfox]

I’m not gonna run out of my epilepsy medication #bless

#i have only like 3 weeks left rn #and have no pcp in Texas and until today no neurologist #when I called the office the receptionist had said there were no available appointments until June 🙃 #but she was able to sneak me in this morning once I mentioned the medication thing #and this doctor was chill as hell too I already like him better than my old one #AND when I told him my old dr had me do bloodwork after every single visit he was pretty much like wtf #so confused that I’d been on the same meds for more than a decade without issue and still was doing bloodwork that frequently #he said he’d rather listen to what his patients were feeling before deciding if bloodwork was actually necessary #which is always the problem I had with my old dr. he never fucking listened to me #rachel's ramblings

[todayisafridaynight]

Yakuza just keeps getting more and more light hearted it’s really a long story of people looking at there situation and going bye 👋 by the way what’s the darkest Yakuza game in your opinion?

yakuza keeps getting more and more light hearted last game had babies in lockers and there's an entire city designated for dumping bodies

#snap chats #anyway i dont know the darkest yakuza game #they're all dark in their own rights i guess #i mean. y7?? might be?? just because of the politics of it all? #lest i neglect aforementioned babies in lockers and human dumping ground #y1 was definitely the darkest game for kiryu since he lost the remnants of his family in that (kazama/yumi/nishiki) #like idk. whats your definition of 'darkest' i guess cause that can range for people #idk. anyway Unrelated Tag Ramble Time i finished First Penguin this morning just as i expected to #def was a cute show- DEFINITELY makes it apparent iwasaki was fighting incredibly hard for the shore and her effort paid off #it was also good in depicting learned helplessness that can be experienced in abusive relationships #or i guess in this show's case business partnerships #iwasaki was just a great character in general. like she was determined and a romantic #but when she was angry She Was Angry and it was great- like she had her limits too and all #and her anger was never from an unreasonable place Again She Was Very Patient but Again x2. she had her limits #this show had me weak with how stupid all the fishermen were tho ☠️☠️ LIKE I GET IT BUT ALSO YOU LOT /ARE/ A BUNCH OF PENGUINS #which is what ultimately makes it satisfying to see them turn around as the show goes on and become competent.. #yeah great show definitely recommend. it was fun watching the business take off and all the problems that came and how they deal with them

[ladysophiebeckett]

i had to visit the laundromat today to wash the thick blankets that don't fit in the washer and while i was waiting for the loads to finish, a kid walked in with two little birds on his shoulder, like a disney princess.

#ive never been more impressed and very little impresses me tbh #kid just walks around with his pet birds that dont fly away alright #and it wasnt one per shoulder--both were on the one shoulder #also ppl are mean at the laundromat #me and this guy had to save this other guys dryer load #some other ppl wanted his dryer and i guess guy 1 using it (who we saw had just put in his blanket) didnt put enough coins in #and guy 2 and his son went to the maintenance person to complain #and we were like 'no guy 1 is here he just put that in--he's still using it' #like i know we're all doing laundry but oh my god be patient

[widevibratobitch]

i need to dye my hair i need to cut my hair i need to bleach my eyebrows again i need to shave them off completely i need to DO something i need CHANGE or ill go insane

#sorry im panicking for no reason whatsoever and need to do THINGS to my mortal body but like. #something that will not cause any actual harm because we dont do that here sir na-ah not anymore #also swinging a bat at the part of my brain that keeps telling me i need to lose weight because i liked my face better X kg ago #and also i need to step on the scale and check how much i weigh now cause what if ive put on weight since spring (i most definitely did) #also my mom keeps nagging me about going to that super great endocrinologist again but last time i went i told him i had an ED and he went #'yes very sad. anyway' and weighed me and told me the number anyway. but hey! he also said #'i have fatter patients than you its ok dw your situation isnt that bad we can concentrate on losing that weight later' so its cool :)))))) #(its not. im never fucking going there again id rather rip my whole thyroid out of my throat with my bare hands) #also i really want that rhinoplasty but more than a failed surgery im afraid of betraying my ideals lol #its much easier to be anti make up or anti plastic surgery or preach about self love and acceptance when you're naturally pretty lol #anyway. fucked up mental state rn idk why it was fine an hour ago kms

[sysig]

#Meme #Shitpost #The Stanley Parable #WPTSP #I decided to replay the Detonation ending to see if he had any change in dialogue if I just chilled near the main controls lol #He didn't - but he Did have something to say about me replaying this specific ending so #That was fun #There's a lot of things I've forgotten in the interim hehe ♪ The shock didn't last long but it was fun while it did <3 #I do like the image of Stanley just patiently and calmly making his way to this point and then plopping down on the catwalk haha #I did have to annoy him with the Broom Closet a couple times first though hehe He deserves it #Little guy :) #And with that I think I'm done for the moment - I got all the endings I could recall and test through without spending four hours on one end #I like the Art ending but I never intend to get it haha #But I think I got all the rest! Even Heaven! :D Fun fun #I dunno why I saved all the heavy ones for tonight heck - even though I know them they still make me a bit uneasy #Especially the Apartment ending ahh I still remember being freaked out the first time I saw that one #Makes me want to replay the original HL mod hehe - what became the Museum ending is so different! #And also the device used to haul Stanley around haha #Temptinggg #Anyway happy almost 4/27 here :3c #WPVG