#if i get through this semester it'll be a miracle | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

paperstarwriters · 1 year

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People don't often interact with my #just thinking posts so Idk if people ever see it at all, but even then, I wanna throw this out there and just keep myself accountable.

Warning for Anxieties, implied suicidal ideation, academic stress

This is a post about some of my current struggles, I'm not talking about that in depth—the main point is more hopeful I think—but the topic is there.

there's been this song I've been listening on loop to recently; Look at the Sky by Porter Robinson. It's really sweet, and really nice and alongside, Something Comforting, Get Your Wish, and You are Enough (which, unlike the others is by Sleeping at last) it's a really uplifting and encouraging set of songs that has helped me out a lot in encouraging me through my studies.

As the semester comes to an end however, the stress continues to build and grow and with it, my panic and fear.

I have no official diagnoses, but I know well enough that there's something askew in there. A little tender part that's vulnerable to failure and stress and so many other things.

And this is why I just keep coming back to Look at the Sky.

It's the chorus.

Look at the sky, I’m still here I’ll be alive next year I can make something good, oh Something good

It reads like a promise to me. Mainly because of the second line.

I'll be alive next year.

I'll keep myself here, today so I can make it to next year.

Idk. Porter Robinson mentions how it's about the creative cycle of taking in other people's work to create a new tapestry of creativity, but I always linger on this song for my studies rather than any of my creative writing.

I'm not very good at what I'm studying at, and I can't help but associate my talent in the field with how much I should like it. The study is interesting, and when I'm not constantly worrying about failing projects or failing quizzes or failing exams, the content is fascinating and fun to learn.

But I don't do well on the assignments.

I'm not failing. I'm not so horribly behind on all my assignments that I know that I'll fail or something, but I can't help but feel the need to get at least 90% on everything. It's fear driven I think. My parents wanted that of me when I was a child. the sentiment continues to linger on in me.

I didn't do so great on a single assignment this time. It's for a project—one I need to complete in order to pass the class at all. But I messed up on the formatting and I left a few tails undone at the end. It was incredibly rushed and a miracle that I had it finished at all, but I still can't help the sickening feeling that I should have done better. Even if I was staying up way past what was healthy for me, something that would cause me general dizziness and heavy sickness later on in the day, I still felt like I should have exerted myself more to check up on it and get it nice and pretty and polished.

I haven't gotten my grade back for that assignment yet. and I can't help but feel sick thinking about it.

I know that logically, the portion of my grade that would be affected might be pretty small, and I've done pretty well in the rest of my assignments. I'll probably be able to pass the class.

Still I can't help the feeling that If I don't do perfect on every single assignment, I will fail.

I have to hand in a physical copy of the assignment tomorrow, I felt so sick going back over my digital copy— forced to look at all of my sloppy and messy mistakes. I felt fear looking at it.

I felt a lot of things, really. Nasty, dark and irrational things.

But...

I'm still here.

I'll continue to try and be here tomorrow too. And the day after that. I'll make it to next year.

And even if I don't do great in that class, I can still make it to the degree I want. It'll take a little stress and struggle, but I'll get there eventually.

And until then, I can still make good things—I can write the little stories, and one shots and fanfics that make me happy.

Look at the sky, I’m still here I’ll be alive next year I can make something good, oh Something good

I promise.

#PLEASE READ TAGS #implied suicidal thoughts #tw anxiety #I don't think people are going to see this much if at all #so I'm not gonna ban reblogs quite yet #I probably will at the first signs of containment escape but yeah.#If you're my mutual/follower who has interacted with a lot of my stuff before and you think this speaks to you #I don't mind you reblogging it #I can't tell if I want people to see this or if I want it to remain hidden...#Idk #anyways #just thinking #❤️‍🩹#tw stress #tw academic stress

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calamitys-child · 4 years

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For you, @thegreenmeridian , a little silly modern academia AU in ten sentences or less:

"-and the way he takes notes, Christ, Dundy, you'd think he'd never seen a pen before - if I learn to read it by the semester's end it'll be a miracle, and if I don't learn to read it by next week then quite frankly I'm fucked."

The one advantage to James getting this promotion, Dundy decided, was that his biscuit purchases had become rather extravagant. If he kept bringing in these chocolate chip cookies, Dundy could sit through just about anything and nod at the appropriate points. At least this time James was talking about one of his most interesting subjects.

"The way he styles his hair," moaned James, "the way he dresses - there's so much potential, but he hides it all under ancient blazers that don't fit and seven practically identical sweaters. I swear, he-"

Cutting him off mid-flow, Dundy raised his biscuit-free hand and matched it with one arched eyebrow.

"Jas," he said, "has it occurred to you that you might just need to sleep with him?"

The look James shot him sent him scurrying from the office, grin barely hidden behind his hand, but it was worth it for the way the group chat exploded into chaos the moment he pressed send.

Change of bet - if they don't hook up by Christmas, I quit.

#the terror #fitzier #thank you!!!! i am not yet very good or practiced at terror fic but i welcome every shot at trying it out

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satellite-loved · 4 years

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10/04/19 Hey Mark hyung, My mom just called me to tell me I have to consider being frugal. This month’s electricity bill came and maybe the fact that I’ve set up the air conditioner to its maximum for most of the past few weeks added too much in the total. Out of habit, my excuse. She said I should maybe save up now that the bills will all be on me until I find a new flatmate. I have been looking. I set up an announcement on one of the university group pages on Facebook but I guess no one really needs a room halfway into the semester. Hey, that was a shitty move you did there - leaving midway and leaving me to pay up all the expenses for a room for two that I can barely afford. That was foul. Now I can’t do retail therapy or else I’ll be demoted. I can feel a cold coming up with this negative temperature. I wonder how this calmed you and your Canadian ass. Anyway, you're weird. We've gone through this. Who goes away and moves continents just because their roommate AND best friend 'accidentally' drunk confessed? Weird. Anyway, fuck you. Anyway, I'll get my revenge one way or another. Pick up your phone some time. Donghyuck - 11/11/19 Hey Mark Hyung, I never got any letter back. Just in case you kept your response under your pillow to mull over every single night trying to decide whether you're sending it or not. You never sent it and I'm still waiting. Donghyuck - 12/01/19 Hey Mark Hyung, Finally got a new roommate. Boo you. Advance Merry Fucking Christmas to me. His roommate moved out too but for respectable reasons unlike yours and happened to scroll down to my month old Facebook post. Who knew they are many fuckers out there who leave a semester midway which then leaves many angels out there looking for new flatmates. Anyway, his name's Jeno. Bet you don't know any Jenos, he's got a unique name. He's my age and he looks like a cat but is allergic to them even though he owns 3! You may have seen him around if you look at my socials which in fact I know you do. We've been getting along well. He's kind of unfunny, sometimes even worse than you but at least he's here to help me with the bills and eat dinner with me everyday. Weirdly, I don't get used to eating alone. Donghyuck - 12/10/19 Hey, It's the last day of finals and I'm pretty sure I flunked that but at least Jeno came to pick me up and brought me to this good ramyeon place. He said at least I tried my best. Who knows a miracle comes and I somehow get to pass? Did you even get back to college yet or you sat this semester out and waited for the following year? If you did, I hope college's treating you right. I bet you're doing fine if you did. You always do. Take care, Donghyuck - 12/25/19 Hey Mark hyung, Jeno confessed to me and you know what I did? I didn't run away. Donghyuck - 12/31/19 Here's the summary of the story: Jeno's roommate never left. His boyfriend who coincidentally is Jeno's close childhood friend decided to move in with him which meant Jeno being kicked out of their flat. Both of their decision. The roommate being a 'kind person' found my old Facebook post about looking for a new flatmate. It so happens that roommate remembers me as I quote "Jeno's first college crush". We apparently took the same Bio lecture during my first semester. You know that class, that one where we skipped our college lecture for the first time because I suddenly felt dizzy and almost fainted and you took care of me. That one. Anyway, he must have been in a different lab. Point is, his old roommate set it up and now we're here. Jeno said he likes me but not to feel pressured to return his feelings. He just simply wants me to know is all. He even asked if I wanted him to move out which I said no, of course. I can't live frugally and he's well, he's kind and a good company. I don't even know why I'm telling you all these. Do you even read every letter I've sent? Or this goes straight to the trash bin as soon as you receive it? Anyway, that's the story. Just tell me to stop sending you these and I will. Donghyuck - 1/14/2020 Jeno and I went on a date. I have to stop thinking what it'll be like if it were you instead. That's unfair to him and unfair to me too. Donghyuck - 2/14/2020 Hey Mark hyung, this is what I have learned these past few months: you were never coming back. Writing to you was pointless and I wasn't rich enough to throw away my life and fly wherever you are. In Canada or in New York or wherever it's cold and snowing. Maybe I thought it will bring you back. Maybe I just wanted to get mad at someone. Maybe I just wanted someone to share what's on my mind without the brain to mouth filter. You were that someone because you were close, because you knew me best, because you understood me and despite not at times, you let me be. I'm trying to make peace with it now. I talked about you with Jeno and he listened. Sometimes it just happens. You lose people or they go away. Don't get me wrong, it was still too much for you to move continents. The normal would be to just move rooms or as far as move universities. Was I that distasteful? The answer is no of course but it would've been nice to hear that from you. This is the last one. Whether you read just one, or none or all of them, it doesn't matter anymore. Just hit me up when you're back in Seoul I guess. You owe me at least 2 months worth of electricity bill. Take care.

[end of chat] ---- [new chat from Lee..] 2/15/2020 Hey Donghyuck....-

#markhyuck #nohyuck #markhyuck fic #otp:make each other shine

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