#if i talk to actual ppl I'll feel like a burden

[boyhaunts]

sooooo insane how conditional love is. so insane.

#sry still thinking about how i am so deeply ashamed abt my own anger regarding the events of april 2022. #daph told me that hey. maybe the way that some ppl reacted to this were not actually good friends to me. #and it hurts to know they're right and it hurts to miss them all anyway. #like i can't fault them for being angry because shit i am too. all this time later i'm still mad. but they didn't even try talking to me ab #any of it. even after they knew they didn't bother. and maybe that's my own fault too because i am so chronically unforthcoming w my #feelings and struggles because i refuse to burden people with the knowledge that i have Problems so they just gave up or didn't know how #anyways. i'll probably never talk to any of them again and i don't know how to feel about them regardless. i'm just sad. #boy.txt

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

.

#i cannot say this out loud to any of my friends or family because #i cannot be a burden nor can i seek attention from them #and it's terrifying to say to my therapist (who i don't see until tues anyway) #although at least i can say it bc i pay him to help me with this shiz #but i swear the only thing keeping me alive right now is the fact that i can't leave blue #he wouldn't understand bc he is a dog #i would just be gone. the person who has loved him and cared for him for seven months #been by his side near constantly #i would just be gone and he wouldn't know why bc i doubt he fully understands death #except as the instinct to avoid it #let alone suicide #and idk what would happen to him but whatever it is. it wouldn't be me #and i can't do that to him #i cannot LEAVE him. it scares me more than being alive hurts rn #if for some reason u actually read this pls don't ask me anything #no i'm not okay. i'm in survival mode. my winter lows have gotten lower for the last few years. #i have a therapist and probably more importantly i have blue. i'll survive. #if i talk abt it then i will be a burden and that is worse and ppl saying i'm not a burden won't help #it'll just feel like a lie bc a lot of things do rn #so pls don't ask

[cypionate60mg]

I just wanted to say I love what you’re doing omg… apologies if im totally missing the point by the way, I have only read some of ur responses to other asks and I’m not well read at all in the philosophy you talk about. Still I feel really seen by your posts or more accurately your posts feel exactly like my state of mind before committing to transitioning…. The repetitive and often kind of fleeting quality of the images you use reminds me of the obsessiveness I used to have over my (purposely unattainable) wishes of what I could be, the sort of wishes that don’t expect to be fulfilled unless pushed to the forefront by someone else, which the forcemasc does…. The captions are so raw and definitive that they feel half like someone else talking to me and half like my own repressed consciousness speaking what it can’t respectably say through someone else. most of the men being guys who I absolutely will not look like (I’m Asian and really short) adds to this because ur posts feel like the expression of an ideal fantasy, with all the caveats and problematic implications of creating an ideal fantasy of what being a man is based on your half-formed understanding of manhood through tv and the movies and whatnot… it rlly feels like trying to formulate an idea of what being a man would be like, without understanding or rlly comprehending the realities of life as the sort of man you will be. And in this way it’s like being on the precipice of taking the steps to actually realize the person you want to be, which you have some image of, but you really don’t know… the thing about transition (ime anyways) is that it highlights how who you are and who you want and what you value are all more intertwined and codeterminate than ppl think. I think many trans men eventually reach this point where they have to grapple with the question of what makes a man, anyways, besides a desire to be one? These posts feel like the state before unraveling any of that but you can see the strings so visibly there, waiting to be pulled on… Also one particular image you used a bit ago the one of the man and woman on the bicycle oh my god idk what it’s actually from but it felt so precisely like something I’d see while closeted and fixate on for weeks and weeks, creating a whole new image of it in my mind as a symbol of what could ideally be, stripping it of what it actually was while making it something more. Also your blog has felt very validating to me in my desire to turn away from wanting to be pretty, even as a man, which I feel is a box transmascs often get placed in against our will. Sorry this became an essay …. All of this is to say that I really appreciate your work and I’m excited to see where u go with it next !

Miss the point? I'd say quite the opposite. And no philosophy primer needed. If I were to go through, line by line, and find quotes of yours that I found incredibly salient and accurate to my own feelings, then I'd probably be copy-pasting your entire message. Very well-said.

There's also something to be said about being Asian and transmasculine. How it is burdened with uniquely specific assumptions about motivations for transition and rampant intracommunity fetishization. I try not to let it overwhelm me. Biting my tongue for now, but I have a lot to say about this. It's part of why I am painfully careful about whose photos I use, and with what text.

I'm relieved that you are able to pick out the intentional shortcomings of this project. The images show us fantasies of masculinity, and the captions do represent (to some degree) the frustration and neediness that comes from wanting to attain those ideals. They're that "repressed consciousness speaking what it can't respectably say", and I am that "someone else" for you, the viewer. I'll always be here to remind you that you should do it, you should chase after it anyway, because pursuing the impossible still changes you in a very real, palpable way.

"If you can't do it good, do it hard."

Thanks, anon. I hope I hear from you again.

Much love, CYP60MG

P.S. That movie is Rebels of the Neon God by Ming-liang Tsai. You should watch it.

#ask cyp60mg #director's commentary #behind the scenes

[icycream24]

Espilver? :>

You're here to ask me the most obvious ones 😭 alright then I'll answer in the most unexpected way ever!

They are my OTP: literally saw them first-hand in game and firmly believed they have chemistry since then. Not influenced by fanart at all bc there was none.

But I don't really dare say they're the best of the OTPs...? Genuinely I think some other pairs (Sonuckles/Knuxouge etc.) has more chemistry and an easier time to figure out how they work.

Espio and Silver supposedly live in different timelines, and Espio didn't even appear in games that often. Their chances of seeing each other is far lower than a lot of others;

They're not as sociable as Sonic or Amy, or any other talkative characters. They can't just meet each other on a whim. We have to think of a valid reason for them to meet in fanfics, with Silver's persistence on his time travel mission and Espio's ninja detective work in mind;

They're kinda too nice with each other, the enemies to lovers troupe wouldn't really fit in their current canon situation, neither does having major rivalries, conflicts, or any kind of tension. Obviously they can still have those, it's just harder to imagine them in these roles compared to others imo.

Ofc, they're still my obvious best of OTP in my brain, but if we're discussing the variety of them being a pair, then they're not higher than other ships.

CUTENESS OVERLOAD: That is true bc I literally ship them as OTP. But actually, I ship them in the angsty way first, did not imagine them with a happy ending due to their roles and burdens. Drew Silver dying in Espio's hands back in 2016, definitely not wholesome & cute haha

Overrated AND underrated at the same time? : Now this is a handful... I didn't imagine Espilver to be a well known ship at all, and certainly did not anticipate ppl actually shipping them even now. As to why this ship got popular, I couldn't help but think it was related with ppl wanting to support unpopular ships as an ally, moreso than actually liking the ship? Ofc, it's definitely not me who can decide what ppl ship them for, I wouldn't care that much as long as the ship gets more love! Actually I do care but I don't wanna gatekeep ppl for being not genuine and I don't wanna know if I'm actually wrong on that so by not dwelling on that I avoided the problems and consequences that might bring to me including those I do not forsee

Still, Espio and Silver, as I've told before, probably don't have as much chemistry to other ppl due to not being in more games tgt. Their compatibility basically flies over ppl's minds and it's unfortunate! So, Espilver is definitely underrated as ppl still hasn't yet be presented to the wonderful comfort and beauty this ship brings 💖

In conclusion, overrated enough to have IDW make a comic about them, since ppl would love it; also underrated enough to have IDW make a comic about them, since so few ppl know them enough to feel repulsed with their interactions.

I WOULD DIE FOR IT OKAY: No one's allowed to talk shit about Espilver/Silvespio except me✨

#My ask #Espilver #Silvespio #Ship meme

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

#dont read #im just in a mood #feelings and gloom

[cinderellahoneymoon]

Putting this in your askbox sorry I'll be here forever.

For their backstory, Niki was living on his own even though he was a disabled 14 year old boy due to his family being in a controversy. Niki's nearly out of food when he spots a boy by an alley. Niki refuses to walk past without talking to him and as he does the boy passes out. Niki takes him back to his apartment and feeds him the last of his food before he himself passes out from hunger. In desperation, the boy begs Niki's neighbours for food and gives it to Niki when he wakes up, and the two live together from then on. This is how Rinne and Niki meet.

Rinne wants to become an idol and Niki joins him despite Niki's dad having a bad relationship with idols and the idol industry. Eventually, Niki leaves around the time his dad argues with him to stop being an idol.

The guy who hired Rinne as an idol was involved in an incident at ES and got fired, which led Rinne to lose his fans and was officially labelled an underachiever along with Niki as he quit a long time before.

So, main story. Rinne is constantly causing trouble and gives up everything he wants so nobody has to suffer his consequences and can go back to his hometown as his brother wanted him to. But before he leaves, he goes to Niki's workplace. Neither of them know why he goes there before he leaves, but Niki cooks him some food. After Niki talks for a while reminiscing on their past as idols (what I mentioned before), Niki claims that he's going to go home with Rinne. Rinne asks if he's sure and Niki says he's fine with it as long as Rinne keeps him fed since he's the chief of his hometown. Rinne and Niki almost do this before Chiaki and Kanata track them down and take them back to ES for MDM.

This is the most serious their relationship kind of gets. For the most part, the two are very comedic. They banter like an old married couple. Rinne has actually asked to marry Niki multiple times. Niki actually asked to kiss him and Rinne was adamant they had to get married first. Niki's only said no due to the law but not because he doesn't love Rinne. Rinne has also asked Niki to do a public striptease and said he turns him on (both different stories)

I think I love them so much because Rinne has this purposefully crafted persona. He makes anyone who meets him dread being around him and find him a nuisance. He doesn't even drop this persona with his brother other than a part or two in the main story. But he does with Niki. Before Niki offered to go home with Rinne he was the lowest we've ever seen him, meanwhile until that point he was laughing and yelling whatever he liked. Rinne has enough trust in Niki to let his walls down around him and I find that beautiful. Niki hides how he feels a lot and doesn't want to burden anyone 'like his father', but Rinne has been trying to stop that habit of his slowly.

I have many screenshots of their interactions as well but I'll spare you of that

AWHHHHH THATS SO AWESOME i love hearing abt why ppl like ships ive gained a new perspective on these characters tysm for sharing

#fleurs letters

[smol-grey-tea]

for the ask game: tei? im curious about your thoughts on tei!!

Woah! :0 you funny, I already did Tei :) maybe I'll just go into a bit more detail and elaborate on the bullet points from last time!!! 😊

Chance for me to infodump about my thoughts on Tei :3 😊

Tei's so interesting. He pisses me off, he's the most boring one, but it's tbh mostly cuz he's the most popular within the fandom, that's why I don't as much like him. I think ppl only focus on the fact that he's a possessive yandere obsessed with purity and believes that no one should hurt his owner, but if anyone is going to, it should be him

Boring

Boring, boring boring

Get real. Get actually interesting. Oh. My. God.

Ppl rly think that's the most interesting aspect of his character?? It's certainly not the most relatable, at least not to me

Tei is a character wracked with anxiety and worry for his owner, who he places on a pedestal higher than the sun for smiling at him in place of treating him like the scum of the earth that he believes himself to be. He's not concerned about the owner abandoning him like Yeonho is, just about the owner's safety. He'll stop at nothing to keep that safety, and that's no exaggeration

In this way, he acts selflessly, say for all but his selfish desire to hurt the owner. He feels immense shame and disgust around it and blames it on his being dirty, but I think it's not so much a result of his being grotesque and disgusting, but simply lonely.

It must be incredibly isolating to shoulder so much pain and fear and worry all on his own, all while dealing with the painful memories of his previous owner. The best way I can interpret his desire to hurt Eri is by saying that deep down, he wants someone to lean on or relate to in his pain, and feel comfort thru their shared trauma.

He wants to dirty his owner, to make her like him, so that they may both finally be on the same level of purity and he can stand with her, and she can understand him. He cares for her deeply and sees her as safe but would feel guilty for burdening her with his issues if she was pure, but that wouldn't matter if she were just like him

He views this desire as selfish but I believe that this desire is manifesting from the simple desire for human connection, someone to be completely himself and honest around, which is something not nearly as selfish as he would believe ❤❤❤

Obviously, this doesn't excuse it. To change, he needs to learn to seek help, to reach out honestly about the pain he's going thru, taking one step at a time

Whether you romanticise his toxic behaviour or demonise it, I think it can still be agreed that simply removing him from the picture isn't a good solution to the danger that he is. Evidently, aside from Eri, Tei is the glue that holds the whole family together. He cooks, cleans, does the laundry and all the pecking he needs to, not just for Eri, but for the whole household

He gently urges Lance not to fight with Red; calms Yeonho's anxiety and teaches him cooking; nags Yuri but still feeds him and helps him just the same; and keeps Red happy and entertained with the justice warrior role playing

His relationships with each of the other boys are equally as complex as his with Eri, the way Red can feel comfortable enough with Tei to talk to him in a serious manner, and the way that Yuri warns Eri of Tei's dangers. Fascinating stuff behind the scenes that we don't even see!!!!!

I'm not sure how Cheritz would've been able to do this, since Nameless is told thru Eri's perspective, but based on the above, here's how I think that Tei's story could've been written a bit more realistically for him:

He cares for Eri deeply and his desire to hurt her doesn't just spring from nowhere, but comes more from the desire for human connection, someone to rely on or relate to, someone he can be his authentic honest self around. After hearing Tei's explanation, Eri agrees to help him thru his recovery, which is sweet of her, but I know that any relationship with someone you put on a pedestal can be extremely tough. It's incredibly easy to relapse and fall back when your entire day rests on whatever mood that one person is in

I've spoken about this before. In my opinion, Tei needs someone he can rely on, who is older than him, who he cannot hurt as easily, who he doesn't idolise, who he has much more stable of a relationship with

He needs Yuri. And Yuri needs him

It's the same for Yuri. Just like in his own route. He struggles with understanding emotions, especially sincerity that isn't tied to just empty flirting

The best way that Yuri can learn about authentic, sincere emotion is by trying to build a relationship with someone who he knows definitely isn't just interacting with him because of his good looks. Sure, Eri probably isn't, but being his owner (and a girl) that can kinda throw a wrench into things

Oh I haven't even mentioned that Tei's ocd is the biggest thing I can relate to him with. Hmm. It's 01:04. If I think of anything else to add, I'll make an addiction tomorrow. Idk how to conclude this essay, so I'll just say thanks again for sending the ask, n please keep em comin!!!!! I can do this for over 672 hours!!!!! ^^

#(*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ again friend!!!! 😊😊😊😊 #enjoy #my post #undescribed #ask #ask game #ntotymr #nameless the one thing you must recall #nameless #nameless longform #cheritz longform

[kuronekojj]

A quelqu'un que j'adore et que je n'aurai jamais....

Hello, the coolest human ever.

So, this is the guy who's like the coolest ever, a social butterfly, and supposedly the most attractive, like, seriously! Well, it's kinda true, that's why you have so many friends. Anyway, I just wanna say thanks for being super friendly and incredibly humble. And don't you dare stop being that awesome after reading this, okay? Keep it up, 'cause there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. And don't laugh, I'm pretty sure you'll be surprised, speechless, and laugh your head off reading this peak of comedy.

At first, I thought you were just one of those regular some random ppl who wanted to be friends with me, and I'm really thankful that you're so close to me rn. Seriously, Jul, you're a good person, humble, easygoing, and natural cool. No wonder you have so many friends, 'cause you're great at making people feel comfortable around you. But, Idunno since when I kinda started catching feelings for you, and at first, I thought it was just me admiring you. It's also awesome how much I've grown to adore Jay, honestly, thanks to you. I wanna thank you for making me admire Jay so much; he's truly someone worth looking up to. But then, after a few days went by, I was always stoked when you replied to my mentions. It made me so happy when your name popped up in my notifications and mentions. Sometimes, I'd read your messages first, but I'd purposely take a bit longer to reply, you know, to not make it too obvious that I was catching feelings for you. Hahaha. I feel so stupid for getting attracted to you, and I keep denying it... but here I am, still liking you after 27 days and counting. After getting to know you, I realized that you really deserve much greater love. You're too good to be hurt by people, and I don't wonder why people around you want to protect you because you deserve the best.

I thought this would only last a few days, and I was adamant about un-crushing myself because I felt so dumb. I have some pretty strong reasons for that. I've been questioning myself why I caught feelings for someone through mere mentions; I've never been like this before. I swear, Jul. I didn't have the courage to come up to you 'cause I figured I'd never have a chance. But just talking to you like a buddy already puts a big smile on my face. Being friends with you makes me super happy. I actually feel grateful because, for the first time, I've secretly liked someone all this time, and I'm turning it into a new experience, hahaha.

But, here I am, writing this, not expecting anything... I just wanted to get it off my chest. If you feel uncomfortable around me after reading this, it's okay, I understand... thanks for taking the time to read it. I want to apologize if maybe you're reading this and you already have a s/o; I didn't know about that, I'm truly sorry for them. After this confession, I won't be chasing after you, flirty or anything. If you still wanna interact with me, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you, Julian. Stay be my friends, okay? Pretty please.. I hope you're still willing to be friends with me, and I won't burden you with this... I promise. I'll always support u here even u have a s/o already; I'm genuinely happy for your happiness. It'll sting a bit, but being avoided by u would hurt even more..

By the way, I'll never send this note, maybe I'll just leave it alone until the day I laugh and cringe reading this. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, I value our friendship and I don't want to burden you... I'm so sorry for having crush on you.. but remember, someone saw something special in you, and that's a beautiful thing. Even if you're not ready for it now, their feelings are a reflection of your worth. You did nothing wrong at all, Julian. Thank you for being you.

Until the time comes, Kilian.

October 3, 2023.

[poems-of-a-lover]

This is in regards to that post you made today, about anon messages. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't really know where to turn.

Basically, I was born into a very controlling religion, probably borderline cult known as Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe they have the "truth", and that they need to remain separate from the "world" as Jesus supposedly commanded because the end/apocalypse could come at any time and they need to stay away from Satan.

I'm 17 now, about to start my last year of high school this fall and I'm a gay trans man (very much not to the knowledge of my family). My best friend since sixth grade is also trans, and I'm surrounded by lots of queer people (I live in a more accepting area/state). Thankfully, my parents were not in the position to homeschool my siblings and I, even though they had been considering it.

However, all these details lead me to a fork in the road.

A principle of this religion's foundation is preaching the "good news", from the youngest age a person is at any sort able to participate, spending their Saturday mornings every week going around neighborhoods and attempting to convert any and everyone they can.

I've been struggling along for the last 5-7 years or so since I mentally fell out of the religion's traps. However, once I turn 18 I have to commit myself to the religion, which I am in no favor of doing so.

Counting down the months, I find myself stuck in what direction to go, come out to my family (not in the queer sense yet, but rather just saying I don't believe in it anymore) and risk losing them entirely, or stay stuck in a place that is making every attempt to subdue and oppress me into a pretty, feminine, docile girl. I'll lose my mind if I have to stay in here any longer than I absolutely have to, but I don't know how to leave.

I'll turn 18 before I graduate, and I don't know what will happen past then. How do I take care of legal documents, doctors, college, those sorts of things (that part is largely rhetorical). My best friend has offered to take me in if/when I need it, and I think he said his parents/living-in family was alright with it (he's told them about me and my living situation), but I don't want to burden him cause he has his own issues--that's the same reason I'm writing this to you rather than asking him for help/advice again.

I hope you can find it in you read all of that, I'm sorry its so long but I felt it was necessary to fully explain it all. Also I wanted to thank you for your blog, I know there's not really any point to that but it's nice to read and see when I'm feeling down, it helps me feel validated in my identity. Have a good day/night/whatever's going on.

first off, im so, sorry that ur stuck in a position like this. u shouldn't have to be stuck in that type of position with those outcomes and those losses, and i really hope ur able to get out of there safely soon. i know it seems like it might be a burden on ur friend to take up his offer, like ur imposing or taking advantage or whatever reason, but if that's the safest option, i definitely recommend it. at least until ur able to come up with a more permanent/long term plan, it's good to have a safe place with people who respect u. ofc i don't know what it's like to be in a religious family like that, so my advice is from the perspective of someone who doesn't know it firsthand, but i feel like forcing urself to ignore ur identity for the sake of someone else's beliefs and comfortability will just cause more harm than good. i do hope ur able to live ur life the way u want, without having to water down or oppress ur identity for the sake of others. it will get better, maybe not now or soon, but eventually. if u ever need to talk about anything else, my inbox is always available for things like this!! and im so glad u find comfort in my blog, ive gotten that from a few ppl actually, that seeing queerness and loving men in a positive and safe light is helpful. again, if u ever need anything, my inbox is open <3

[sensazioneultra]

tmi ahead ig but i always overshare anyway but i actually do feel like i am such a burden bc of my back pain like it's been going on for this entire year and the more it goes on the more i feel like i have to hide it cause everyone is tired of hearing abt it tired of asking how i'm doing and getting a negative answer tired of trying to accomodate me sort of n tired of me not being healthy. i feel like i'm.making other people's lives miserable even if i am miserable myself probably more than others are from dealing w me. but it's so hard not to feel like i'm a huge burden. not to be frustrated and sad and angry at myself n my body for not working properly. and truth is none of this help this feeling of guilt this self loathing. but it's hard to work thru it and i'll admit i'm hoping there'll be a solution soon so then it's all solved. amd i can work thru the reasons behind all of these feelings with a clear mind and less at stake if that makes sense. ik that's bullshit tho cause well. i need to work on it now. i need it now i need to be more serene and at peace w my current condition Now even if it will pass i still owe myself and honestly other disabled ppl too the work needed to be at peace w the fact that if someone needs accomodations and support then they just need it and should get it and deserve to get it and it's not a bad thing cause we're just all on this earth to be as happy and comfortable aa possible at the end of the day. which is damn hard under cspitalism but it is still a truth i live by. there is no one who deserves to live uncomfortably bc they don't fit what society decides is normal and respectable and comfortable. this is getting long and nonsensical probably. cause i'm in pain. it's just basically this is so hard especially cause like i can't even. like i don't feel like i can call myself physically disabled cause like i'm not ? but then what is being in near constant pain for almost 5 months called lol. but rly it comes back to the whole hoping there will be a solution and i won't have to worry abt any of this anymore. even of i think in the end i will forever be changed by all of this but will i forever be what could rn be comsidered disabled ? idk. does it matter i also don't know. do i make sense rn. the pain in the right aide of my body is so bad even after a strong painkiller so i am not very clearminded rn. i think whay i wanted to say is that damn this os so hard i feel so bad for not being able to do things like i used to i deel so bad for not bding like i used to and having to rely on others even more and having to ask for more things more help i feel bad to the point that i avoid talking to ppl s9 i don't have to bring anything up abt my pain so i don't have to sayi am still doing badly to the point i just laugh and go eh it's okay i'll livw. and yeah sure i will indeed live but will i live in constant pain for a lotlomger? for how long? wnat do i do in the mieamtime? i just laugh ot off and pretend it's not happening as if thT will help. well no it won't but i cant seem to make myself stop doing it cause asking for more help is soooooo so so hard and i don't want to make ppl uncomfortable and inconvenience them. anyway i need to sleep forever bye

#delete later #maybe #we'll see

[golbrocklovely]

I have some thoughts on comments Sam has been making recently in regards to editing and working. I think he has a major case of word vomit and he just speaks into the air and hits post without ever thinking if what he has said will affect anyone. And while i think he can be a nice guy, a lot of his approach towards work and especially editing reminds me a lot about L10. Both are control freaks and need to micromanage every bit of editing their editors do which i can say as someone with a bit of background in professional editing, its a huge insult when someone who doesn’t have actual expertise in the field judges how you do your work. He showed the notes he made for one editor he was talking to and i’ll just say i have never received that much from a professional wanting me to work on their project. You usually talk it out and try to find a medium that works. He wants a personal assistant to do his work not an editor.

Another thing, i know he loves both Colby and Kat but knowing how some fans are, i don’t understand his need to tell fans the issues he has with both. When hes upset with either he has very passive aggressively made jabs. He needs more friends or therapy for that matter. In more than one occasion he has undermined Colbys work and made it seem like he does the most and Colby barely has work or his work is super easy yet he is often shown to take mini vacations while Colby is always editing. With Katrina he made it seem more than once like its such a weight or burden that his girlfriend of so many years wants attention. Which is why that post he made while she finally went off to miami on her own was odd, he was reflecting on how he hasnt been the best bf and i think she finally said something which is why shes finally focusing on her music.

As an outsider looking in i can tell Sam is a perfectionist who doesnt know how to express himself or really sympathize with people. Its normal for your partner to want your attention and have it be more than both sharing a roof and a bed. And also if you have a friend who has anxiety and possibly depression, its hard enough to push yourself to get up in the morning let alone stick to a routine schedule of editing especially when no one is actually forcing you to post. He needs to be more sympathetic of peoples feelings and emotions and stop acting like hes the solo editor.

wow, you sound a lot like a certain friend i know lol

anyway, i completely agree with you. in case anyone doesn't have xplrclub, sam recently had posted a video about how editing is taking up a lot of time but they finally found someone that they think could help give them a bit of a break.

but personally, i feel like the only one that's gonna be getting a break is sam and not colby. but i digress.

as for sam, i do think his perfectionism is gonna be the death of him. he is gonna run himself into the ground if he doesn't get help for it to some degree or just… loosen the reins a bit. not to mention, i don't understand why snc would go thru the trouble of hiring someone and "teaching" them to edit the way they do, when they can just hire someone to cut the video for them and then they can have control over the style of the video. then they can split sam's job into two and that would save them waaaaay more time.

also as for the judging of editors, i get what you mean. but i think it's also fine for them, while not experts, to want a specific type of editing style, and to judge whether or not a editor (regardless of background) can bring that to the table. i just hope for their sake they are nice to those they reject. which i assume so.

elton on the other hand…… i wouldn't be surprised either way lol

and i'll just say this about elton since @xplrvibes filled me in on what's been happening with him: that man has 18 videos in a vault waiting to be edited and apparently has interviewed 100s of ppl only to not find one editor???? sorry, that's a you problem. you want either too much or are too nitpicky. personally, what i think he should do is hire someone that meets most of the qualifications he needs, have them edit five videos. if the audience reacts badly or if it's really out of his comfort zone, then let the person go and find someone else. to be sitting on that much content is super dumb for a laundry list of reasons. i don't get that man and probably never will.

speaking of, back to sam lmao

i've noticed too that sam has a tendency to make it seem as if he does most of the editing and colby barely does any. and idk if he means to sound that way, but it doesn't make him look good. same thing goes with the way he talks about kat wanting attention. that whole thing that kat talked about, him saying "vampire" to her over and over again bc he was editing and couldn't give her attention for two seconds just… didn't sit right with me. like i get it, you're busy. but at the same time, you can't spare two seconds to say hi?

i think his lack of feeling his own emotions is causing him to ignore other's. and that's just not good.

#ask #personal

[citromello]

In response to the following posts:

--

Hope this doesn't derail (if it does please tell me I'll delete it) but on top of that this person is also being very stupid about society and feminism. "men are not permitted to talk about their problems" and "men expect emotional labour from women instead of going to therapy" are in fact the exact same problem??? The problem is that society/the patriarchy tells men that they need to ahow strength etc and not talk about their feelings especially with other men or strangers. But since men are yknow, humans, this isn't really sustainable or possible so this burden gets privately put onto the few women they are close with, since women are expected to be helpful and nurturing. The solution to both of these things is to be open and honest about your feelings with all the people around you, and also foster an environment where men are not punished for doing this and taking it seriously. Like even if you only care about women, allowing men to be more public with problems does in fact solve the first problem this person mentioned, its almost like sexism is a complex network of human interactions or something. (to tie this back to trans people this person is calling trans people out on having uuuuuuh correct and helpful opinions about feminism? Oh no how dare you) -- not derailing at all, that’s literally the crux of the issue. ppl will acknowledge that the patriarchy expects men to be hyperindividualistic, stoic, emotionless machines, and acknowledge that that’s bad and toxic, but when men actually express how that toxicity makes them feel, people will turn right around and reinforce the idea that men must deal with their problems only on a private, individual basis, which is literally what the patriarchy tells men they need to do. trans men and mascs aren’t the only ppl talking abt this, bell hooks has written extremely eloquently about this as well.

--

I have mixed feelings about this. I agree with you on many of your points: that men are unskilled at talking about feelings can be blamed on a culture that makes it so men didn't get as many opportunities to practice this skill, that being angry at men about it doesn't help the broader issue, and that how "this burden gets privately put onto the few women they are close with" is a difficult situation.

But, I think helping someone with a deeply personal issue that they are unskilled at handling is an act of love, and not an easy one. It's hard and awkward and often painful and aspirational. As a result, it makes sense to lean on people who are both more skilled than you at processing feelings and who care about you. It also makes sense to lean on someone who does this as a profession (therapists).

Leaning on random acquaintances, often other women, to help you process deep personal emotions, does not feel like it's the solution. It feels like a wrong-place-wrong-time mistake. I am happy and honored to sit with men close to me as they work through their struggles. I am less happy to do it with people I know only in passing.

This is one of the first date patterns I used to get. I meet up with a guy for the first time, we haven't talked much before. After like 10 minutes of small talk, he swings the conversation onto his unrelenting sense of alienation and loneliness, or some other difficulty. I think it's actually the correct move to resist turning the conversation into a sympathy and support session. Sometimes conversations are supposed to be something else.

Even if swinging to oversharing after a lifetime of undersharing is a very understandable mistake, I think that there is room to acknowledge that neither of these are good long term patterns. Finding the middle ground is not a problem exclusive to men, even if as a whole they might be worse at it. Everyone struggles with it sometimes. There is plenty of space between "no one else cares about your feelings" and "your feelings are everyone's problem". It's important to see that instead of "that's too much" and "that's too little" being conflicting advice, its advice that is working together to point to a middle ground.

#feminism #rant post

[izzy-b-hands]

I'm gonna ask a weird question but:

Is there anything you guys (aka y'all following me lol) want to see more of from me, in terms of a potential item(s)/service(s) to purchase?

Better explanation of what the fuck I'm waxing on abt below the cut. TW for talk of money/work/the overall state of things economically for me and my plans/goals/potential options to keep making things better.

I need to bring in more money. I'm getting more stable, trying to save on top of the generous donations I've been given while using them as needed for things we absolutely need (food, basic supplies/necessities.) But we're still so tight, and I know nearly everyone is dealing with some form of this right now bc Everything Sucks Economically on like. a level of how it felt in 2008 (extra terrifying feeling now) but. It's killing me. I can't take feeling like a burden like this. I have to do more.

I have been applying elsewhere, for FT, PT, and contract jobs that pay better, though I am hoping more for the FT positions of course. Thus far, I have not had any bites back that amounted to anything, but intend to continue my efforts regardless (because what else can I do there anyway?)

I've been trying to figure out other options, w/things I know I can do somewhat well to very well. All would be cheap, but hopefully would add up over time until I can get a FT job again and while I grind away at the current PT job (which I am hoping to add more hours to for the next semester, when they have us make our scheduling choices again and allow us to potentially add at least one more shift to our schedule.)

So, a poll. To gauge interest, and see if y'all have any opinions/would even potentially purchase anything like the below things from me. I'll try and detail each option below, but first, the options:

1. Photo Prints: I've done photography since high school, though I only have my current Pixel phone available for it right now. That said, they would be as cheap as I can get away with, and my Pixel actually doesn't do too badly, plus I would be editing these to make them as good looking as possible. Ideally, I'd have a Pay What You Want option instead, so ppl can just give whatever they think the print is worth since these will be smaller, amateur prints, but I'm not sure if all the platforms that usually handle photo print sales for smaller creators allow that. So, in that case, a range of probably $1-$5 at most for each print. They would be of things out here; I have access to and experience already with taking city and nature themed pictures (it was literally all I did in hs and since then bc of where I've lived.) So general city life/scenery, plus local wildlife like the birds, squirrels, and nature surrounding us in all seasons, plus any extra pictures I can take elsewhere whenever Housemate and I are out and about (aka probably lots of mountain and ocean shots.) My speciality when I had my other camera was micro/detailed photography, and I'd like to explore this with my current setup and see how they turn out and potentially offer those as well.

If it would help to see some current pictures that I am considering as the first set I would put up for sale, please reply on this post letting me know and I can post a couple as examples 🙌

2. Poetry Commissions: I have done these on and off since middle school, usually for friends/family. Nothing wild, but usually shorter, some rhyming, some free verse, poems on varying topics. I've done them for birthdays, holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day, as well as with obits or for weddings, and even a baby shower, to go on the invites. I haven't posted much of what I've written in recent years, but as with the pictures, I would be happy to post some of the ones I've written before as examples. Poetry is where I have no fear and will work myself to the bone to provide the best work possible; if you can get me just the bare basic details (ex. You want a poem for your brother's bday. Give me his name, a couple of hobbies/likes of his, and two of your favourite memories with him and I'll write you something beautiful, to celebrate him and his place in your life and take the piss out of him too, depending on your relationship with your brother lol), I can get you a poem in a 2-4 day turnaround time for as low as 5¢/word. Electronic only, but you would get a PDF of the poem that you can do whatever you want with afterwards (I would require my name remain credited on any other posting/usage elsewhere, but you wouldn't have to pay me again if you want to reuse it for another brother, to harken back to our example.)

3. Data Entry/Transcription Assistance: This one is a pretty wide range of what I can offer. I have experience working with medical documents (neurology, ophthalmology, and optometry for specific specialities both in data entry and transcription) via two of my last jobs, technical documents from two prior jobs (public library and medical staff training specifically), and historical documents including both handwritten (including print and cursive) and typed documents and charts via my volunteer work with Zooniverse. This is my bread and butter in terms of general job skills, and one I genuinely enjoy. That means that I come into each job, regardless of field or exact task, with excitement and an open mind, ready to prioritise and organise everything to the requested system and/or standard, with the goal to go above and beyond that however possible. Usually I achieve this by completing projects as ahead of deadline as possible, as well as by taking on any additional related tasks as needed (example: you hired me on to type up all of Grandma's lifelong journal entries for archiving and easy reading at an upcoming family reunion, but now you've found that Grandpa has one too. For minimal to no additional cost, I will happily take that on and endeavour to have both sets of data typed up in an easy to send/print word doc and/or PDF well before the reunion deadline.) I am more than willing to take on contract/NDA required work for this option as well, and have done so in the past with a prior job (aka why I'm not allowed to share any of the clinic training docs I made.) Cost might depend some on project size and deadline, but a general estimate would be, to stick with our above example: $5 per 250/pg journal, with a small additional charge of $5 if a rush is requested (aka say the reunion gets moved up to three days from now vs three months or weeks.) I would endeavour to charge no higher than $25 with $5 rush fee if rush requested for bigger projects.

4. Research Assistance: More or less what it says on the tin. Can be for work, home related things, whatever (though if requested for school/in regards to homework, I only go as far as providing resource links because unfortunately, usually doing the research yourself is a part of the learning process. However, if you're struggling to find primary or secondary sources, I am happy to help find those for you so that you can peruse them to see if they'll have the information you're looking for. If they do, great! If they don't, then I would keep looking for more.) While research hasn't been my main task at any of my prior jobs, it has always been a feature in much of the day to day work regardless, and is a skill I have kept up in my volunteer work with Zooniverse on projects which requested it. Looking for sources for anything, from work projects to recipes can be a slog. Let me do it for you. Pricing on this I'm putting at $5. That's it. Pay me $5, and I'll find as much as I can in regards to whatever you have that needs researching. Turnaround might depend on project, but I'm leaning 1-4 days at the very most.

So. There we are! Vote on the poll if you'd like, reply with any opinions/feelings/ideas you have for me about these, and thank you if you read this whole thing ❤️🫂

#text post #long post #even if you don't have any interest in any of this yourself but happen to know someone who might be interested #please pass along my info to them or mention my name as potential option to assist them #like if u want professional contact info lemme know and i can pass that along to whoever wants/needs it #anyway my brain is mush after typing this and i have a stomach ache and a double shift starting in half an hour to deal w/now #so. just thank u to y'all even if u only read a line of this and pls know i appreciate any ideas/opinions y'all might share re:all of this #tumblr polls

[eventuallyaugust]

also! ive been meaning to ask, what tips would u give to ppl who wants to begin writing a story? cus i alr have an idea and a draft (?) all these ideas in my head but i cant seem to put into actual words 🧍‍♀️

- 🐨

hello ! so, apparently august saw this ask before she went to school and sent me a long message to relay the info here. i'll just paste it here and add some thoughts august said to me. (august also said you might be viewed some tips as complicated, but to her, it works for some reason??)

august's tips to people who wants to begin writing their story

(august said that she doesn't know if this tip would really help you but she included this just in case) if you are the organized type of person, make an outline of your story before writing, but if not, you just could write your story and make plans along the writing process (august said this is how she started bbtr: without planning or anything)

in writing a story, there's nothing such as too wordy, too short, too long, etc. it's your story, it's your choice on long you want it to be.

write for yourself. i know you want your work to be read by others, but i want to let you know that you shouldn't feel pressured to write your work if you don't have the energy or motivation to do it.

take breaks. this is important too, august said because your story will feel like a burden to you and you will be most likely be burned out if you force yourself writing.

if you feel like your story is lacking, you can turn to someone you know who can help you. there's nothing wrong with seeking opinions of others to improve your writing.

(august said this is just her personal opinion & feel free to ignore this if u want) if you have a sudden burst of idea on writing a certain scene for your characters, try to write it down because there's no assurance that this idea will come back to you as strong as it did before.

if you need to write what others called as "filler chapters" like just characters doing something together such as baking, having fun, etc, do it. it may not seen as very important to the plot line, but it helps the readers gain pov of the bond between the characters

feel free to jump back in the characters' past when writing a story. there are various reason why some writers do this: first, it could help the readers gain a perspective of your character. second, writers may or may not unsure what to write next so they dwell on the characters' past.

(again, this is august's personal opinion) when writing a character, you should list all the details you want your character to have such as this person likes coffee, or blueberry pies, something like that because you could use that advantage to easily remember your character by (and either make your readers cry or not).

when it comes to grammar, feel free to use websites for it if you need to. there's nothing if you're a bit of a grammar stickler. (august prefers not to mention any website tho, but she said any website will do)

(august's personal opinion, 50/50 not advisable bcs august said it might affect the way you would see your character. it kinda makes sense ig?) in writing scenes that you want your readers to feel certain emotions or you want to write angst, you need to immense yourself in the story, as if you are the character experiencing the sad story. this is only applicable if you really want your story to be super angst.

when it comes to writing a chapter, it may seem hard to form what you actually had in mind, but you don't need to rush it. there's nothing wrong if some words repeat. you just need to describe the scene in your head and envision it happening. or you could refer to no. 11, immense yourself into the story (but again, do it with caution)

that's all she wrote, but she said that she'll try to add some once she's back. feel free to send asks about anything or maybe i could talk about august' minju smau (don't worry, i have permission to share bits of it from gus) !

#leigh answers #august's asks !! #🐨 anon

[heresmescreaming]

ok so like,,,,, idk if im just moody because of hormones or what but like im kinda frustrated with a friend group im in. one of my biggest pet peeves is when ppl cancel plans or don't organize plans (funny cuz i flake on ppl a lot oops) but it's consistently every night, plans get cancelled, but it's not like they tell me. no messages. nothing. so i wait for them the whole night and they don't show up and i end up feeling like shit. i feel like im being ignored, even when people are talking i feel like most of the time im being ignored. i think i might be overthinking because i'll have periods of time where i feel like im a burden to all my friends but like my ride or die besties (u know who you are) don't rly treat me like this in fact quite the opposite. i don't think they're bad ppl or mean or that i don't want to be friends with them anymore but at the same time i feel like if i address it it will be like "oh sorry im so busy and so tired" and then ill come across as needy or bitchy or trying to cause drama which i don't want ughhhghhh it just bothers me so much and makes me feel like shit but i don't want to burden people with that u feel? i feel like im the only one actually putting in effort to talk to ppl. idk i might just be too needy lol but i don't rly have this issue in my other friend groups? also if anyone from said friend group sees this post im not mad at u i just feel sad. neglected might be too dramatic but that's how i feel and i know it's probably none of ur intentions to make me feel like this! anyway im listening to music i like to make me feel better and hopefully this gets resolved soon but i don't want to make it a big deal even though it seems like it from this novel ive been writing

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

im SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT

I. Last night. If I had fallen asleep when I tried to, and woken up to my alarm, I would have gotten 7-8 hours. Instead, I got 3. Then I went to work for 8 hours. Then I came home, ready to nap. And nothing. And now it is almost midnight and STILL fucking nothing. My anxiety is so high and my ED is raging. I'm so worried about my cats, school starts tomorrow and everything that happened last semester happened at the end and never got resolved. So I feel like everyone hates me and I don't want to go back. My stomach is cramping but I can't eat, and im certain that's part of why I feel so shitty. I tried munching on some baby carrots but I just can't do more than that rn. And im so stressed about my cats. My mom is going on vacation for 9 days and is planning to leave them alone. I keep trying to give her options to work with me to take care of them and now she's left me on read for 3 days. I'm just so fucking upset. And I'm so upset all the time lately I feel like a huge burden to anyone who still is friends with me and I don't even want to talk to anyone. I'm a shitty friend and all I do is disappoint. I can't......idk. all I'm doing is watching supernatural. earlier I was watching the destiel supercut but it kept pausing itself so I am now on a YouTube binge of destiel Taylor swift amvs. Meanwhile I posted about my cat situation to one of my private Facebook groups that gives advice and ppl are being really mean and saying that it's actually my fault bc I left them there. I already feel bad enough that I COULDNT take them and I COULDN'T stay there. I know logically I couldn't have done anything different but it still haunts me and it was really, really fucking hurtful to have someone genuinely voice the same opinion as the voice in my head. I feel so sick and horrible and nothing feels like it'll ever be okay again.

I know I've felt this bad before and it will pass but right now it feels like I've never felt this bad before and it feels like I'll never be happy again. I can't remember feeling anything but what I'm feeling now basically, and what I'm feeling now is unbearable. And I know I have friends that care but the thing is that I need medical attention for my serious mental disorders, and I've called so many places and none will take me. It's like walking around w a broken leg- ur friends can carry u places, push ur wheelchair, bring u stuff when it hurts. But they can't fix ur broken leg. But in this analogy, it's like I'm going to the doctor and the doctor is like ah fuck your leg is BROKEN broken. You should see someone about that. And that's the response of every fucking doctor everywhere. And my friends hate seeing me with a broken leg but they can't keep carrying me around. And I can't let them. But the alternative is to just sit down and rot

#shut up hanna #idk if this makes sense #my thoughts are so so scattered rn #everything is so horrible