#if i tried to nap i’d either wake up at 2am or i just wouldn’t be able to sleep at all and would lie awake for two hours

[myrelationshipwithanarcissist]

So my eldest daughter was the best baby ever. Legit, very rarely cried, settled herself and was always in bed by 7, slept through from a young age and would even fall asleep again after her 7am bottle. She never really cried to be picked up either. Part of me knows that she was literally just naturally like that, but I also like to believe it’s because I sorted a routine pretty much from birth. She’d have the odd nights where she’d cry when putting her to bed, but I stuck to it, settling her when she cried for more than five minute by going in a stroking her etc and it wouldn’t take long till she’d realise I was still here and it was fine to go sleep.

So obviously going into my second pregnancy, I was adamant with my partner that there were certain ways we were going to do things, obviously not really thinking too much that it’s harder to stick to those things when the baby is very different, even harder when your partner has a temper. Now don’t get me wrong, he loves our girls to death and would never ever do anything to hurt them and I know full well he’d never lay a hand on them. But he cannot deal with crying. Which is ridiculous. She’s a baby. Babies cry. That’s how they communicate. And it’s like even when she’s not been that bad, he comments that she’s been a nightmare and it’s like, what?! She’s been crying for 10 minutes?! But because of his temper and because I hate being around him when he’s in a mood, things didn’t go the way I wanted regarding routine. She used to be quite hard to settle at night if we put her in her Moses basket. And he would make his annoyance extremely visible. Huffing, going ‘for fuck sake’ under his breath etc. So I would get her out and settle her on me so she didn’t have to deal with his stressed and angry energy. Sometimes though he’d put her on his chest and the way he would get her to sleep would be just full of annoyance rather than love and safe snuggles. But after his paternity ended and he started staying at his again, guess what? I managed to get her into a routine of settling herself and falling asleep by herself in her Moses basket. Meaning we could actually chill together in the evenings. I’d still have to wake up to feed her because when she started to fidget he would wake up and would get annoyed (surprise surprise) because apparently her small movements left him unable to sleep. So I’d have to wake up and feed her. When he was staying at his for several days, I would ignore her fidgeting unless she started crying for her bottle (she didn’t) and after a few days, she actually straight up started to sleep through the night.

Recently everything’s changed regarding routine because of lockdown. Everyone is home, constantly. So her nap routine has changed, the noise level has changed etc. It’s no longer just me and her. He works from home in the bedroom so she can’t have her naps in there like she usually does. She never slept for very long in her swing and the place she sleeps the deepest and longest is on me. But obviously I have to homeschool the eldest. So it’s fucked up her routine. Oh and she’s recently moved from the Moses basket to the cot. Then of course the fact that now when she goes to sleep it’s still bright day light out there. Which means now in the evening she’s quite hard to settle and cries quite a bit, only settling in my arms. He tried settling her once, but stormed out the room saying “I’m not fucking dealing with that, you can do it” (this is the man that would constantly threaten to go full custody whilst I was pregnant 🙄) so now I’m left to deal with her every night. And yet he still gets annoyed. Baring in mind she’s also teething. The last few nights she’s started getting restless at about 2am. Not crying. Just fidgeting and sucking her thumb. She’d easily fall back to sleep. But oh no. He’s not having any of that. He’s angry. Demands for me to just feed her. The other night he literally stormed downstairs because she was fidgeting in her sleep and stayed down there for ages because he was absolutely fuming apparently. Over a baby fidgeting. Imagine that. Then last night, he woke me up saying ‘she’s making all the noises again, feed her.’ (Despite him not being at work therefore him being capable of doing it himself 🙄) and he didn’t even try to be quiet about it. He also kept fidgeting loads which would then stir her even more. So I called him out and said if you stop being so loud she’ll fall asleep. His argument was that he couldn’t fall back to sleep as easily as me and it’s annoying him. I just ignored him and guess what? She fell back to sleep. But she started fidgeting again an hour later. He was angry again. Started arguing with him that if we keep getting her out to feed her, her body clock is going to pick it up as routine and start waking up at those times because she knows she’ll get taken out of bed (she first started fidgeting at the exact same time as the previous night) he then started ranting, calling me a selfish rat again, saying that it’s not his fault at all and that I’ll never admit something is my fault and it’s all because I let her sleep on me during the day because apparently I’m a lazy mum and using the excuse of ‘she’s only little once’ is just ridiculous. Because y’know, who cares about getting as many baby snuggles as possible? And that he’s going to have to end up moving back home this week. I agreed and he didn’t like that. But anyway, I stopped responding. Wasn’t long till he was trying to apologise saying that he shouldn’t have said the things he did but it’s happened now (as if that makes it okay and I should just forgive him because he can’t change what happened) that I’m his best friend and he doesn’t want us to fall out blah blah. Then he said to give her to him and he’d feed up. But I said no cause I was already feeding her and we were both comfortable, plus I didn’t want her to feel his stressed annoyed vibes whilst being fed, I wanted her to feel loved and safe. He said about struggling to fall asleep and I said that it’s better to lose a few nights of sleep rather than this happening every single night so maybe it was best that he’d go back to his for the weekend so I can get her back into the routine and funnily enough all of a sudden he can’t do that because of lockdown and if he did he wouldn’t be able to come back (despite the fact that he’s gone back to his and even to his parents - completely ignoring the social distancing rule .. but suddenly he’s very strict with the rule. I’m not even going to lie, part of me wants him to go back to his and stay.)

And actually that brings another point to light. Obviously the eldest isn’t biologically his but he treats her like she is and he adores his parents. So the other weekend he took her with him to pick stuff up from his but also met his parents food shopping and even though he’s supposed to be social distancing, he allowed his parents to take the eldest with them, putting not only her at risk, but all of us!! And he even let her go home with them in their car!! Like I’m fucking sorry but I’m fuming with all of them for that. Even my own mum refuses to come close to us when she drops stuff off and she’s dying to cuddle the girls but refuses to. Yet they act like nothings even wrong! And they both ended up staying at his parents and touching everyone etc. And then he wanted me to let him take the baby and promised he’d only let them see her through the car window but I was like no fuck that, if you let them take the eldest there’s no way you’d refuse to let them cuddle the baby if they wanted too, and I honestly don’t even believe that they wouldn’t have taken it upon themselves to get her out the car and cuddle her. Like I don’t blame them because I kept saying to my mum I just want to hand her over so they can cuddle but we both knew it would be stupid. It’s a fucking joke.

But anyway, it’s now 10:10am and he’s still in bed, even though we got the same amount of sleep. Yet I’m still expected to look after the kids and clean the house. I bet he won’t do any of the feeds of housework either. He’ll come down and ask for the living room so he can work out. Then he’ll probably sit on his phone for the rest of the day. Great.

Oh and can I just add that when she’s asleep on me and he comes downstairs, he thinks it’s funny to make loads of noise and wake her up. But when our eldest accidentally woke up up by talking to him, that’s unacceptable.

Anyway, this probably makes no sense but I needed to rant.

#manipulative #toxic #relationship #toxic behavior #toxicity #toxic relationship #toxic love #mentally and emotionally abusive relationship #verbally abusive #abusive relationship #narcissistic relationship #narcism #narcissist

[therichlittlebunny]

Triggered

*deep, long sigh* It has been a really long, exhausting few days and I am soooooooo fucking glad it's over and done with. Nothing is worse then fighting with your man when you work @ 6am then again in the evening into the night. I just... I'm wondering how I've made it since Sunday night. Somehow managed to get to work early, deal with a non stop flow of customers for 6hrs, come home to fight with him. Get in the worst nap or none at all, barely eat and then do support work for kids with autism. Allah blessed my life though and we finally got shit resolved. OMFC That took a lot out of me. Basically Big Daddy was triggered. Not too shortly after we'd just had a disagreement so tensions had not gotten a chance to completely settle. 😤 Sunday night around 8:30, I called it a night while he was playing LoL. I was already exhausted and had to wake up at 3:30AM to get to work for 6AM. Thank God I only have to take one bus to work and it practically drops me off right in front of the building. We're also currently in the middle of a bit of a pregnancy scare because I'm craving things, hungry all the time, falling asleep on myself, having cramps, recently I've started feeling nauseous and having heartburn. And the classic need to pee. I'm peeing literally every two hours. So after coming back from the bathroom for the umpteenth time that night, just before I could drift back off to sleep... Honey Bunches hmu on FB. He's having a crisis. Now to be fair he's been describing his life as a BDF or burning dumpster fire, for like two or three weeks. I didn't force him to tell me what was going on but offered as much emotional support as possible and let him know I was here when he was ready. So that night he'd just hit his breaking point and come undone, was having a meltdown, crying in his car. Shit. He was in an old area of mine so I went out to get him because he needed the support and being from the Falls (Niagara Falls) he didn't realize he was having a moment in a super sketchy area of downtown. So as I'm heading out, I text my Big Daddy. He worries about me going for late night runs, I knew he'd worry even more about me traveling so far, so late. Unbeknownst to me, that was a big mistake. I am very forth coming and transparent. I have nothing to hide. It was also a matter of safety in case something happened, God forbid. I missed a GM text once and he spent the entire morning at work (he works the same time as me) wondering if I was okay and if I was pissed with him. I literally just slept right through his whole shift. Lol But that night, I had stroke a chord and triggered him. I never knew all the details of what his ex had put him through or the extent to which she lied but I was quickly about to find out.😩 I have never hated a person more in my life, who I had never met. I am liable to fight her upon introduction. The entire trip downtown was spent reassuring him that I was just going to help a friend in a crisis. He knows it's not unusual for me to leave at like 2AM suddenly because I had friend tweaking out on meth, or having a bad acid trip or threatening to kill them selves mid panic attack. I'm just the person that is usually called because no one else seems to be able to get through to the person in question. I'm used to it. I don't really mind either. I'd rather not wake up to the news that someone has dropped dead. At some point Big Daddy dismisses me completely after I tell him I will update him when I get home. There's nothing to worry about. That didn't mean shit in that moment. The second I get in around 3:20AM, I messaged him to let him know I'm safe, what happened and give him that GM text. A little stressed with how he had reacted, I crawl into bed and fall asleep. Only to wake up a few hours later to the most passive aggressive text ever. WTF. He has under handedly accused me of being unfaithful. W.T.F....?! I shut it down with pure facts real quick because that was bullshit. A few hours pass and he angrily responds that I had been lying, maybe even from the beginning and he wasn't having it. What...in the actual fuck?!?! At this point I'm exhausted because my sleep was shit, emotionally stressed out because where in the fuck was this coming from and starting to get really depressed because it was becoming increasingly clear that he wasn't hearing me. At all. He was just looking for things in my text, FB and whatever else to back up his anxiety fuelled rage. I tell him as much but again I was just lying. Like I had lied about my sexual history and what had happened in that 8 months we had been broken up. He accused me of the same deceitfulness as ex. I exploded. I called bullshit so loudly it was a wonder my mother didn't hear it. He had launched me into a full on anxiety attack and I was quickly spiralling out just as Honey Bunches messaged me on FB to check in. He immediately knew something was wrong because my spelling and grammar had gone to shit. Punctuation and articulation had fucked off so he called instead but that was a mess as well because I was like two seconds away from blacking out because I was barely able to breath. That man had to talk me into breathing. 😭Convince me to get out of bed because he could already tell my depression was setting in hard and fast. "Get dressed. Doesn't matter what you wear. I'm outside waiting." He had driven all the way back while on the phone with me. I don't think he had ever seen me so covered up in all black and silent. He convinced me to eat after Big Daddy got mad at me even more for, "running into the arms of another man". Honey Bunches got me stop and think rationally when Big Daddy wouldn't. "You know what is going on with him. He doesn't realize he's spiralling out. Ground him. Get him to stop and think things through with you. You can't be emotional, hit him with logic." "Be Spock?" "Perfect. Be Spock." That was great theory but didn't necessarily work that. Our fight blew up yet again. A good chunk of that night went to pure hysterics on both ends. All boiling down to me telling him that he could pretty much go fuck himself. I wasn't his ex and he was a fucking asshole for the reach he made to draw a comparison. God willing I'd drop dead. I think that's what snapped him out of it. Losing me. The idea of never seeing me alive again. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to a text begging me not to hurt myself. I said nothing, only rolled over and fell back into a fitful sleep. I woke up heartbroken and pissed off. My response reflected such. He said nothing. I told him when I got home, fell asleep waiting for a call. Sent a text full of heartache when I woke up from the most disgusting nap. Depression had set in. He said nothing. I tried calling but he didn't pick up. I curled up in bed and began binge watching the last thing we had been watching together. Tokyo Ghoul. I had given up. Deactivated my Facebook since the night before and didn't go on any social media. I was getting ready to go to bed when my iPad dinged. He responded. I instantly burst into tears at the very first words he'd said to me all day, "I love you..." He was terrified. I meant everything to him and he had been such a jerk to me. He handled the situation like an asshole. He was dead ass wrong for every thinking that I could stoop to the same level as his ex. He hadn't responded, hadn't answered any of my calls because he was ashamed of himself. Had been the moment he told me to back off the night before. We were in such a similar situation as the one he'd gone through that he couldn't help but start to panic. As unloveable as he thought he was, he couldn't bare the idea of losing me again or that he had been stupid enough to fall for the same shit twice. He couldn't go through either one again. We spent nearly the whole night texting. He was still to embarrassed to talk to me on the phone. Needless to say I was dead at work after only three hours of actual sleep since Sunday. He's still apologizing. We're finally going to talk on the phone tonight. This might be a good chance to get him to watch my favourite Bollywood movies 😋

#anxiety #big daddy #honey Bunches #this is forever #panic attack #depression #stronger together