#if im a horrible person how come you're the one who doesnt have a single friend for more than two years

[crossdressingdeath]

re: your last post. literally i go crazy thinking about how all the companions and everyone else in durge’s life all wanted something from them, but then ultimately the only thing gortash wanted from durge was DURGE. as a person. just them, exactly as they are. and their partnership, in whatever form it happened to take. the fact that durge brings him orin’s netherstone and he doesn’t even take it from them? or ketheric’s? he just wanted to know if the two of them could still be in this together. once he knew they could, there were no more prerequisites. complete memory loss? changes nothing. defying bhaal? changes nothing. holding 2/3 netherstones? fine by him, perfect in fact. he trusts them. and after being told who and what they needed to be by literally every single person in their life, im more surprised durge DOESNT burst into tears at that tbh

It's like, absolutely when the alliance started out Gortash and Durge were using each other. Definitely Gortash initially mostly just thought that having the High Primate of Bhaal's temple and an actual Bhaalspawn on his side was too good an opportunity to pass up. But by the time of the game it's clear that their partnership grew well beyond that point! Durge is Gortash's dearest friend, his one true equal, and having them by his side again is all he wants from them! Gortash has so few expectations of Durge, and while an expectation that they'll be who they were might not be the easiest to bear I think in a lot of ways it would be significantly easier than the party's expectation that they straight up go against their god and creator solely on the grounds that it's the right thing to do. I love the idea of Durge just completely falling apart when they're finally faced with someone whose response to the horrible position they were put in boils down to "I don't care if you reject Bhaal or not, I just care that you're you". And it's especially good because I get the sense that Gortash actually also prefers it if Durge rejects Bhaal! He's not fond of senseless slaughter and he consistently praises Durge's ability to keep the Urge under control; I get the strong impression that he liked and respected them in spite of their connection to Bhaal. But at the end of the day the fact that he prefers them separate from Bhaal isn't really his primary issue. All that matters is that they're still them and in control! Sure, that's made significantly easier by them cutting ties with Bhaal, but... well, he worked with them for probably a good decade with their ties to Bhaal intact. He'd be happy to continue to do so as long as they're still the person he knows, and I feel like after the party basically just brushing off what a huge thing defying the god who literally owns Durge's soul is for them to do it really would make a lot of sense for it to be at this point, faced with someone who really does still love them no matter what, that all the emotions this situation brought to the surface would finally come spilling out for Durge.

#bg3 #durge #asks #anon

[336-323bc]

i just cant take dropping subtle hints that im really just sad and all of them getting absorbed by the trauma queens like i wanna say at least that im not well and have someone hear it. at least hear it. just hear it and move on

#fuck you know who #so over it with being guilted and subtly told that im a horrible person #fuck you #if im a horrible person how come you're the one who doesnt have a single friend for more than two years #i wish i could be just sad on my own but i gotta be disturbed by others also #bye

[mokutone]

tags from @kakashihasibs on this post

#ive been thinking about this post all afternoon and evening and night lol #i dont think we see yamato outwardly express anger ever (at least in the episodes we see) #like the closets he gets is when he's annoyed at naruto and even then that seems more playful or frustrated than properly angry #even when he is yelling at Bee and Naruto he doesn't seem ACTUALLY angry #but like how could he not be angry? #like everything that's happened to him? to people he loves? it's gotta be in there #you can't face the evils he's faced and not come out the other end at least a little angry #yam is too nice for his own good #sometimes #I think the biggest reason he represses his anger so thoroughly is bc i think a part of root is specifically repressing 'negative' emotions #i feel like i can remember a line from danzō about how emotions can lead to hate #but also focusing so much on the 'negative' emotions might be to keep root agents from turning that anger and resentment towards #Danzō and root itself #like another way of keeping kids in line is teaching them anger (especially justified anger) is a dangerous emotion #and with the extra focus on that perhaps that still something yamato isn't able to express properly #but also yam cares a good deal for naruto and probably for Bee too #he might not WANT to be angry at them #maybe he keeps it repressed so he doesnt lash out at someone he loves? #hmmmmmmmmm #i love him #someone needs to needle him until he snaps #get that anger out my guy #at least in the episodes that I'VE** seen #i did not mean to say we #whoops

enthusiastically points at these tags. enthusiastically points at these tags. enthusiastically points at these t-

im going to chatter abt them below the cut specifically i think about. why he might be afraid of allowing himself to be angry + im gonna talk a lil bit about danzō + root's role in all this i think.

image descriptions for all images are in alt text

SO!!!! YEAH!!!!! YEAH EXACTLY...

these tags are so very right...we do see him get frustrated, or have that knee jerk kind of "no!!! you're horrible!!!" reaction at Naruto + Killer Bee when they scare him shitless, but ur right...that's not a serious anger that's a "You scared me!!! don't do that I was worried!!!!" and annoyance at most. frustration. it comes and it passes easily...

alas that kakashi is VERY good at needling him (admittedly in a friendly and affirming way), but yamato probably would want to be mad at kakashi least of all!

i think you're right that he probably doesn't want to lash out at the people he loves, or risk hurting them especially with an emotion he doesn't or won't let himself understand well

but also. i think he might feel a lot of guilt tied up in his anger as well...so it's not just an "I don't want to hurt the people I care about" thing, but also kind of a,

"What right do I have to be this mad?" "Do I feel I'm deserving of better treatment? Better circumstances? I am and have been incredibly lucky. What a selfish thought."

type of deal. which is. ough.

LIKE. the way he might see it...he was the Only one of the 60 mokuton kids in the lab to survive (how lucky)

and then when he did survive danzō was like. "if things had gone even slightly differently, your life would've only been that of an experiment, but he lost interest in you, and I picked you up." (how lucky)

and then, amongst all the Root shinobi, danzō, the leader of root, decides to train him personally, indicating a particular favoritism or attention towards him (how lucky 🤮)

this one particularly i want to point at.

because if Danzō singles Kinoe out as a favorite, all of these other Root shinobi, especially the other kids who are completely emotionally neglected...would likely feel jealous of the attention and favor that Kinoe receives, perhaps especially because he's young, perhaps especially if he is not the strongest (what has he done to deserve such special attention? etc etc)—which would isolate Kinoe even within the already isolating experience of being in Root.

its technically a position of privilege, but the privileged is of being the closest in proximity to the worst man in Konoha, instead of waiting to the side, trying to draw his attention and approval. And the "benefits" might include the jealousy and judgmental eye of Kinoe's fellow agents.

(no wonder he latched onto Kakashi so fast, if that was the situation. Kakashi has his own problems with Being Nice and everything, but if Kinoe is hearing "you aren't worthy of the abuse you're receiving" the fact that Kakashi thinks that Tenzō is not just worthy of sparing but. worthy of rescuing. even when Kakashi's recovering from Kinoe's attempt on his life. is. well. How could he even begin to process that?)

but ah. but still...when Tenzō departs Root for the final time, he thanks Danzō for everything he's done for (to) him.

(And, in the Tsukkuyomi, Yamato expresses a want to take over team Kakashi, and then an immediate guilt and horror at his own selfishness, for wanting the spot which Kakashi occupies, when he had a position at Anbu he was supposed to return to. Who is he, to want something like that? Who is he, to want what Kakashi has?)

Does he understand that he doesn't have to be grateful all the time, for everything, for the slightest scraps? I worry so much! Does he know that he doesn't have to thank people for not having been worse to him? Yamato, you're allowed to ask for more! You're allowed to want things!

I think that working alongside Sai has to be both extremely good and fairly painful for him in this regard. I'm sure Yamato could find a way to forgive or excuse Danzō's actions towards himself—especially if he thinks he was in some way lucky to have that situation.

But Sai? Sai is a different person. Sai isn't him, doesn't have his baggage—maybe he can see in Sai, what he cannot in himself! A kid who didn't deserve any of that, and is struggling in the aftermath. I like to think that, even if Yamato could forgive Danzō at the time for how he was treated, he could not ever forgive Danzō for how Sai has been treated.

I think he gives Sai a lot of leeway in expressing himself and picking fights with his teammates that he might not if he wasn't aware of Sai's situation, because I think he knows how important it is to let Sai uhhhh. hm. To let sai be completely fucking unhinged, for a bit. A line has to be drawn sometimes, but.

Yamato voice: I think he should be allowed to be a little malevolent. As a treat. Get it out of his system.

anyway. god. this reminded me of a comic i'd started Literally About This Concept that I absolutely forgot I was trying to work on

#honestly my desperation to see yamato absolutely lose his mind in fury is definitely a key theme of this blog #BE MAD YAMATO! YOURE ALLOWED TO! YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPRESS EVERYTHING!!!! #RISE. RISE. RISE. Where is your anger? Where is your fucking rage? #it kills me. you know that if he said aloud. to any of his friends ''i...don't want to go back to anbu.'' if he let himself acknowledge #that desire out loud. they would do anything in their power to make that happen for him bc his friends love him and want him to b happy #but he clearly can't even bring himself to ask. augh. it kills me. yamato you're not ungrateful for wanting. you're human. #let yourself be human for christs fucking sake... #i admit sometimes. i. well. you see the immense pleasure he seems to feel even when he thinks kakashi is being somewhat insincere #when kakashi calls yamato ''a true equal'' like. the joy and pride he does seem to take in that. #but at the same time he absolutely refuses to accept it! he insists that kakashi is his senpai even though time after time #kakashi insists that theyre equals now + that yamato ought to stop calling addressing him as a superior #sometimes i think this may be one of those ''yamato wants this very badly. but refuses to ask for it'' situations #but perhaps he wants it so badly that he refuses to even be allowed it. yamato...what would happen if you indulged yourself... #yamato why would that be a problem...why is it wrong 2 take affection which is freely given? solely because its you who takes it? #yamato...yamato.....yamato.......................... #anyway im nutz ive been thinking abt this for the past 24 hours maybe. i have to work on that comic

[pigstepmp3-moved]

dear duckling

i missed you as well. im sorry my absence had such a negative impact on you.

to answer that first question. every single situation is different.

and the other question, yes, i have been in your situation. i think everyone has been at some point in their lives. we all love and need to be loved so differently, of course its going to cause some riffs. thats what i love about mankind so much, every single person is so, so individual. when you first grasp that, it can feel so lonely and cold. but your individuality is yours, and only yours. you can share that with anyone you want to. it's all yours.

her name was emmeline. she was shorter than me, her hair was a beautiful blonde that i can only describe as sunshine. really, i can only describe her as sunshine. she was my best friend, i was in love with her.

i was cruel to her, really. i'd ditch her to hang out with arrows, i was rude, i pulled her pigtails and pinched and poked. because i knew she'd always be there at the end of the day. she'd be there when i needed her, with open arms and a smile on her face.

one day, she was consoling me after a freak accident. she held me together, id been shattered for two seconds before she taped me back together with the swiftness of hermes. and it hit me, oh did it hit me. my heart shattered, i couldnt breathe. i had treated my best friend and the love of my life as if she was disposable. i sobbed, i choked, i apologized until my face was blue. for hurting her, for treating her like less than she was. and she said it was okay. she was gentle with me, she didnt hate me, she was too forgiving. she'd never leave me.

and she didnt, for a few more years. till she moved away. and we lost touch, sadly.

truthfully, i didnt think about her often after we lost touch. once a month, if that.

then i'd moved, and somehow, we both ended up volunteering for the same organization. it was horribly awkward. we brushed shoulders, shared awkward hellos, but nothing more. and i'll tell you, it hurt. it hurt like nothing ive ever known. i did not know this emmeline. she had interests i didnt know of, she had stories id never heard. she was a new version of herself, that i didnt know.

a few months later, i had to move due to some personal issues. not too far, but far enough that i couldnt be a part of that organization anymore. and then, i didnt know her again. that was okay. again, i didnt think about her for years.

and then suddenly, one day, i did. i thought about her all day. and then the next day, the next week, the next month, until i had thought about her every second of the day for a year. day or night, awake or dreaming, consciously or subconsciously. i caught myself making a birthday wish to know her again.

so one day, i wrote a letter to her. i poured my heart and soul into that letter. and i sent it off. even if she didnt reply, it was amazing to get that off of my chest. i didnt expect a response, i wasnt even sure if she still lived at that address anymore.

but hell if she didnt! the letter fell at my feet, jumped into my shaky hands. i was fucking elated. i read it with weepy eyes, so unbelievably happy that i had a crumb of who she was now. i wrote back, she wrote back, we talked for months. and then she flew out to the city to see me.

would ya believe me if i told you we've been together ever since?

i hope you do, because its the truth. we're older now, of course, but she's still the embodiment of sunshine. she got way too stoned with me the other day when i hadnt stopped by sooner.

now, back to what i said in the beginning. every situation like that is different. emmeline and i, we were only kids when i was that way to her. and we're older now, her and i both know that what went down was a learning experience, and i was a traumatized child who didnt know what was good for me. neither of us have negative feelings towards our younger selves. do i regret how i was to her? of course! but it doesn't consume me. because thats not who we are anymore.

sometimes things cant be mended. and thats okay. i think the advice i can give is, the both of you will have to accept that any outcome is possible, but dont hope for a reconnection. hope for growth in your individuality, and work towards that before you try again. sometimes you're connected with someone at the wrong time, just so you can grow and meet them again when youre both better, older. oh, honey, i know it hurts. but youre so, so young. you have years to let this relationship unfold. id say move on, to the best of your ability. take it slow, or take it abruptly, whatever will work better for you. dont force closure, itll never work when the wound is still so fresh. meet new people, i know thats hard with whats going on now, but im serious. invest in yourself before you try to invest in this relationship anymore. and dont do nothing. find things to do. i know im saying this to a depressed teenager, but i mean it, you need to keep yourself busy, give yourselves things to look forward to. you're going to be okay, my love.

if she was more than a best friend, the way emmeline was more than a best friend to me, it might be harder to do this. but itll be okay. your first love is supposed to hurt, but it shouldnt kill you.

i hope any of this helped you. if you have more questions, i'll be up for a couple more hours. ill try to answer faster this time.

love, marjorie.

i wouldnt necessarily say it was a negative impact, having you not around, but its definitely very nice to hear from you. and im very glad youre back! you have a very comforting way of words.

im very glad that things worked out between you and emmeline in the end. you sharing that whole story really means a lot to me. it makes it a lot easier for me to relate and understand the lesson youre trying to teach me, i guess. (sorry im not able to give a very eloquent response, my brain doesnt allow me to be good at responses).

i really hope that me and my friend can be like you and emmeline and that we can reconnect someday. ive always felt like she was my platonic soulmate, and i still feel that way. ive been doing my best to accept that this could very well be permanent and that i might not talk to her again, and sometimes its easier to deal with that than other times. its been very much a rollercoaster. i try to let myself just feel things as they come and i try not to force myself to be okay, but its hard. i try to focus on myself and i try not to think about her, but its very difficult. i have made new friends since then, though. and i like to think that im handling things a little better than i was a few weeks ago, and i like to hope that itll get easier soon. but i do my best to just hope to get through each day instead of hoping for things to magically get good. its hard to not do that, though. and its hard to focus on other things, but ive been doing as best as i can. i do know that i plan on sending my friend a letter like you did, because i didnt really get a chance to apologize to her like i want to, and i figure a letter is the safest bet - that way theres less pressure for her to respond or even acknowledge that she read it because she can just pretend like it got lost in the mail or something, yknow?

thank you for all of this. this was a very helpful message. i suppose the only question i can think of right now is what made you gravitate towards me? what made you decide to take me in and start giving me advice and everything? dont get me wrong, im appreciative that you chose me and you chose now, but ive been very curious about that

#eden.txt #anonymous #marjorie tag #long post /