#if im venting about how i want to kill myself from stress dont say lmao me too when you spend all day hanging ot and going to the zoo

[aro-aizawa]

okay so kind of vent post but update post too bc im kind of stressing and dealing with my stress in the only way i know how: ignoring it. so first off if i’ve promised you anything and haven’t spoken about it then i’m super sorry and either im working on it or im being way too perfectionist with it and it’s actively fighting me no matter what i do. so yeah. it’ll happen.....eventually im sorry. 

second thing i want to talk about is bhaf. i’ve kind of? hit a brick wall? in writing it? like i have the entirety of usj planned, mostly all neatly organised with shiny bullet points and little sentences that i want to include. but...its just not working with me? 

(also cut bc wow this went on longer than i expected oops - also to the peeps who don’t follow me because of my writing then uhh dont worry abt this i guess lmao)

its kind of feels like convincing a toddler to settle down in bed to read them a bedtime story except the toddler got hopped up on sugar earlier in the day and literally won’t sit still even for a second. so im running about the room frantically trying to catch them and put them in bed so i can read them their story and i can go to sleep. 

i mean its sorta like that but not at all. what im saying is its being unimaginably difficult. 

its been almost three weeks since i last added to chapter 14 and its killing me with stress. because lowkey i have a fear that if i stop updating for long periods of time that i’m going to lose most all my readers. aaaand that kind of stresses me because i don’t want to mess anything up with bhaf. its the first time i’ve had more than five people following the story so yeah i’ve kind of been working hard at it. 

and when i hit a wall like this it makes me angry. because i’ve hit enough walls with projects to know that this is what makes me stop working on a project for months or rather years in my old habits (though honestly my old update schedule was one 1.5k word chapter every six months so). 

one way that i usually try to get around that road block is that i work on new projects. i take an idea i have and run with it like it’s my main project. i throw myself into it and one day when i’m planning out stuff or writing for that new project, i’ll suddenly get hit with an idea for my main and jump ships again to get back to that project. and that was the plan! i was actually going to start up a new project called ad victoriam! which im super excited about!!

but the one thing that’s kind of stopping me with this plan is the fear that i mentioned before. i don’t want to lose any interest. and i dunno, it feels like the only one that truly cares for this fic is me? even if i do get a lot of comments per chapter (like theres 20 on chapter 13 that i havent replied to yet holy--) i dunno. maybe im just way too self-deprecating to really acknowledge that others care about this fic. 

so im kind of in a bind. im so stressed by not updating bhaf, but ive hit a complete road block creatively. the only way to get past that road block is to do other creative stuff away from the road block. but the stress of keeping reader happy its sorta weighing on me and crushing any inspiration i have for another project.

um. i dont....have anything else to say. im not sure what im going to do now, but i think its safe to say that bhaf might be getting a little hiatus? at least until i can find a way to ease up all this stress. i have one other way in mind, but im still not 100% sold on yet i guess. but if i do that’d still mean the hiatus is there but i’d still be working on bhaf but not in any meaningful way? 

okay i’ll stop being vague but im basically considering rewriting the earlier chapters. nothing big, like adding in scenes or anything, but i dunno just improving the general quality and tweaking a few things i missed, smoothing out inconsistencies of any kind. its sorta meaningless but its an old habit that i used to do when i hit a brick wall with any of my projects sometimes. i’d go back and rewrite the entirety sometimes adding in a few thousand words and generally coming out of it the better since i would be rewriting stuff that was a couple years old at that point. 

but im still being hesitant to actually do that because the old projects im thinking of were all under 20k words, unpublished with maybe nine or ten chapters. all of them rushed and mostly just the barebone scraps of stories barely filled with any emotional depth or character. all of them essentially copy and pastes of each other with mild changes depending on the plot.

whereas if you compare the two? well for starters bhaf is in third person and isn’t following an oc. secondly, bhaf is published whereas my old projects were not. thirdly, i only started writing bhaf just over six months ago so even though my writing style as improved due to writing as much as i have, it hasn’t really improved enough for me to justify rewriting all 58k words of it.

so......yeah. honestly if this post makes any sense to any of you then your head is a lot less jumbled than mine is. im unintelligent and when im stressed i cant explain good. 

tdlr: reached a creative block with bhaf, so its going on hiatus for until i can get past it. not sure if im going to rewrite it or work on another project.

((ALSO FUCKING SIDE NOTE: im also incredibly pissed at myself for it hitting now when the last chapter i posted had a fucking cliffhanger, the one thing that i hate with all my being when its not resolved as soon as possible. im half tempted to post this chapter at 3k words just so that i could get rid of the hiatus at cliffhanger. im so sorry guys.))

#shut up danni #bleeding hearts are fatal #long post #i wasnt going to say anything to anyone but honestly im so stressed abt it rn that i cant really think straight concerning it #and whenever i get a comment on it my stress kind of skyrockets especially when the comment is super super nice #if i decide to go the 'work on another project' route im pretty sure i'll post the first chapter when i finish it #for whatever reason i decided to start with the end of chapter two and work backwards so uh its already off to an interesting start

[meateatingorchids]

I got rlly fat like i got a big belly now which is soooo weird and i feel uncomfortable about to the point i hate my self .... 

Like what the fuck is that huge belly omfg like im pregnant and its disgusting.  Im so ugly RN i hate my self sm 

Also i tried to eat fitness food n its disgustingly tasting that i regretted eating it in the first place

Its so bad to the point tge sweet potato is better tasting than strogonoff what

I feel overly full to the point its uncomfortable and rlly  othering me and my face got super fat to the point i dont want to ever go out again

I never felt this ugly since 1 year. This is the most ugly ive felt in one year and i rlly hate myself i wanna kms like i can barely look at my disgusting reflection . I look gross. Im grossed w my self which is unbearable

Like im p sure this is beyond my watwr retention cuz of period i probably did get fat and its disgusting.  I cant look at myself

I hv sm fat in my stomato the point i feel like vomiting when i hv to shower it bothers me to the point maybe thats all ill think about until I lose this fat

I got fat to the point i can't u look and until I lose i won't talk to ppl anymore

My skin got super ugly lately too i bet its bc of that meds I hate it sm I look so disgusting i can't even look at myself anymore I want to burn this body alive lmao

I want to die so I dont hv to look at my reflection. I need to lose weight

My face looks so ugly I want to smash it w a hammer .. i think abt dark things lately.... like harming my self n shit like that 

The other day I couldn't not self harm cuz I was having such a hard time the entire of July so I had to self harm to de stress and now i wanna cut my self more and more like I need to do some harmful thing cuz I hate this body lmao 

I hate every minute of now and ever since I got fat I've been trying to lose weight cuz I want to reach my goal. I want to be skinny and thats the only thing I think about since I got fat. I also say fuck to the world cuz i only want one thing n thats losing this fuckong weight n fats i wanna be skinny again and that is my n1 goal and concern like every thing else is second to that. Idc about med achool or any school right now my main goal is losing this weight and more and more I want to be skinny again like in 2013 when I was happy . Fuck med school or any other stupid mission I only care about one thing.... i hate the reflection in the mirror it is so disgusting. I want to punish my self for getting this fat. This look ain't it and the clothes look ugly on me now i hate my self. I hope whoever haunted me last month gets super ugly n fat. I look so disgusting its gross to exist in such an ugly body n face i hate my looks now more than ever but I've been low-key dissatisfied with my appearance since sometime in june or Smth I hated my getting fat since June and I feel like it is so gross and I need to vent out abt it 

If I end up binging and starbing cicle again I know that i can give up any dream cuz my life will be it, binge and starve ... this is all I do when I'm in the bad place. My entire life is math in my head abt what I ate and how much and counting the numbers weigh in measures and math  here n there and thats so mind consuming thats the only thing I think about and nothing else can fit in lmao this is the life of some ed community girl... sucks but that's all we have. I do feel like purging but I've never been good at it but I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and I hate the feeling of full and I hate it with so much passion that I come out lmao and I know unless I lose this weight that food and weight loss is all ill be thinking about so bye-bye med school. 

I even hate the feeling of fat in my calves cuz i feel it got fat and I can feel it and my thighs never looked so gross i hate my own body right now and since June I neen low-key hating it lmao...  welp 

I rlly never felt worse than this... since last june lmaooo I want to kill my self and I'm determined to do it bc that's all I have. I want to be free from this hell.

I have the most violent thoughts for the past weeks and I'm in the i wanna kill mode . I want to harm whoever did this to me whoever disrupted the peace I worked hard to get whoever disrupted it i wanna m*r*** them so much tbh I want to shake it off but the thought of causing as much harm as they caused me keeps coming to my mind I want to kill so much ... lmao I wan awake everything from them bc they rlly ruined my life that was hard to begin with. 

i got the need for an ed blog again cuz my ed is woken again lmao fuck my life. seems like its back i feel my ed waking up for the past months... its BACK i feel sometimes physically stronger as i used to be when i had my ed... even at my lowest weight i had some abnormal physical strength for a girl and now its back my ed... lmao fuckkkkkkkmy ed is strong and has such a darkness, dark mind and violent... idk how will i keep it under control cuz its very hard ... but at least my ed seem to protect me from some stuff... when i become very traumatized it seems to cause it to wake... whoever they were they woke up my demons.. thanks u scum vermin, u ruined the work weve been doing on putting it to sleep for over 10 years and u ruined its work it took 10 fucking years to out it to sleep... now its back and lively as always... why would anyone want my demon to wake why... my ed makes me physically stronger so its super easy to know when its here... lmaoooo im soooooo fuckedddd now ill pray i dont get in trouble much thats it

whoever was that kept pushing her to remember her traume woke the demon now they will have to pay for it

when i was only abt 40kg i had like sm physical strength and i only found out why years later... yeah... idk now what am i going to do i actually do love my demon despite all and were good friends... but sometimes it gets out of control.. its like having a pet tiger or lion tbh its v cute but it needs to be tamed... lmao also why did they disclose my demons name but not my angels lmao.. puzzling it is...

[dontjudgememp3]

i can't find all these emojis on my phone so...ALL EMOJIS LET'S GO DO ALL THE EMOJIS

oh lordt okay [lady gaga voice] here we go! (the rest of my answers are after the jump, woo!)

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone? - i cant think of anything? i’m incapable of keeping shit to myself hashtag queen of venting

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be? - well i wish i had a dog so i could hug them 

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why? - squirtle because i identify strongly with those pictures of squirtle in sunglasses. also all of the hoenn region starts (torchic, mudkip and treecko) because they are beautiful brilliant angels and i love them

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like? - well, first of all it would be legal to eat the rich so jot that down

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had? - last night i had a dream that i went grocery shopping with zoe kravitz does that count

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend? - i like that my best friend (@gryffinddor) doesnt judge me for my bad decisions and that she supported me even when i used to caption everything with ‘me gusta’ and ‘THIS^^’ (on the real shes just an all round brilliant and beautiful person aw)

😘 talk about your crush or partner - well i dont have a crush or a partner so, next!

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back? - you may be petty punk but being honest...im just as petty and would definitely be rude back

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!) - oh jeez okay I like my eyes, I enjoy my own sense of humor and I enjoy being tall as heck

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it? - i’m really scared of octop*s tbh and i guess i’ll try and overcome it by watching The Handmaiden a bunch

🎁 what never fails to make you happy? - bipharah.tumblr.com/tagged/rainy-days i stock it with good, joyful content 

💙 what annoys you about some people? - ignorance and being judgemental.

😤 do you get angry easily? - not really? I get frustrated but not outright angry

🐇 what do you always daydream about? - living my best Gay life

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change? - the ignorance, the judgement and the general lack of compassion

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry? - ya didnt send me any names ya goof!

✈️ what is your dream city and why? - idk about dream cities but I really really want to go back to Paris. I love it there and wanna experience it as an adult

☕️ talk about your ideal day - i get to stay in bed and watch a bunch of netflix. my imaginary gf is real and next to me and there is a dog snoozin on ur feet

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert? - OH big introvert

💧 when was the last time you cried? - idk about a full blub but i genuinely teared up yesterday looking at the photos of yr dogs

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes, Down by Fifth Harmony, Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood, Winter by Pvris and Bad 4 Us by Superfruit

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why? - i’d be able to teleport. I just wanna visit all of my friends all of the time. like, I just want that to be easy

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say? - no one cares that yr a wuhluhwuh ya big gaymo, dont worry about it

💚 who are you jealous of and why? - i’m jealous of people living fulfilling lives with loved ones and partners and careless attitudes. god i wish that were me.jpg

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why? - bravery. i’m not an idiot, i don’t think i’m totally hideous, i’m not an asshole and i’m not struggling financially either. just wish i had a bit more courage to get shit done.

🙊 what are you ashamed of? - i’m ashamed of my lack of courage lmao. everything would be grand if i would just take more leaps and didn’t worry so often. it’s embarrassing 

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn? - I studied German for a bit so I know some of that but I’d like to be fluent. I also want to finish learning Korea and start learning Mandarin and Spanish

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be? - i wanna be friends to lovers trope with fareeha amari please and thank you

☁️ talk about your dream universe. - whomst on earth has a dream universe, goodness gracious

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today? - the day is nearly done but tomorrow i’m going to say some affirmations to myself. self-care is kindness am i right

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why? - i would turn into an elephant. they live in a matriarchy and thats #goals

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike - the tories can eat shit. they were the first people that came to mind, so!

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately - what doesnt make me anxious these days hahahahaahah, fuck.

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now? - i wanted to be a writer. now that i’m a writer i want to be a better paid writer

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods? - in this house we appreciate DOUGHNUTS

🍑 what are you obsessed with? - my current obsession is ovw. but i’ve been obsessed since launch so that ain’t new!

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed? - one time i was so stressed that i started losing my hair so uh, that.

😪 what are you sick of? - me, self-sabotaging my own dam self!

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker? - oh heck no

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have? - that wynonna earp is a good show, actually

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person? - yes, i think so.

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies? - does spending an exorbitant amount of time on tumblr count as a hobby 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself? - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes bc I couldn’t remember what it was called

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it? - I’m not always so open about my thoughts, feelings and fears. I guess I’m improving it by just being more straightforward?

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored? - i can’t draw for shit my dude, so I don’t doodle

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams? - it’s the anxiety

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you? - intj. I have no idea if it suits me tbqh

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite! - okay well i can’t do this one

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why? - normani kordei x 1000. because i love and appreciate her and she’s just good people

🐴 opinion on __? - can’t do this one either!

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person? - me, whomst cries at dogs? being emotional? its more likely than you think!

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them. - honestly i’m too lazy to go and find three books i’m sorry

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help? - focus too much on work/use my rainy days tag. and it works sometimes!

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad? - i remind myself that being sad is unproductive and try and shut that shit down

🌍 which country do you live in? - england

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words - tall, gay loser

🐵 which quotes changed you? - no quotes have changed me oops

💭 do you keep a diary? - no i do not

💫 who inspires you? - my mother

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why? - i refuse to answer this question because i don’t wanna get haunted

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like? - smart, preppy and includes a lot of blue

🎬 what are some of your favourite films? - Carol, The Handmaiden, Up, Imagine Me and You and White Chicks

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory? - playing mario party 8 on a gamecube with my cousins i miss when we all had time for that

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why? - i would meet normani and say thx for following me on twitter bbs

#ask #spyderyder #long post