#if it wasnt something i had no control over id regret it with my whole heart yknow

[superemeralds]

OH WOW thank you for answering so fast!! I wanted to ask because in my opinion, Shadow is written kind of... poorly.. at the metal virus arc :c and I love how you characterize Shadow!! I was wondering, if you could, how would you have written him in it?

okay so this got. RAELLY long. it’s under the read more.. hhaaa... get ready for rambles.

before i start on what i would love to see different, here’s a few things that i really liked about his characterization in idw:

shadow being persistent about what he thinks is right, being very straightforward and strict in wanting to execute his ideal

the way he stepped down and let sonic try his way instead of being stubborn because sonic made a very good point. Shadow wants to be fair, and if he of all people deserves a chance, then so should eggman. kind of ties back to maria also, which is a nice nod to have considering it seems like modern writers for sonic usually treat the ending of shth as “ok she never existed to him anyways”

i like that he uses his GUN affiliation to his advantage to do good and help people (even if by rouges account he does it because he doesnt want to deal with zombots)

he has great devotion to make sure the truck is safe and peole get a chance to get out, giving (according to the comics anyways) more than 100% of his power dealing with hundreds if not thousands of zombots alone

I like that there’s a nod to shadow being insecure about his status as ultimate life form, and he is tempted to get infected just to prove to himself he really CANT get sick and he really IS a perfect being. He struggled a lot with the high expectations that were laid upon him, the expectations he’s laying upon himself.

I like how he had a great sense of shock and defeat when he realized that he DID get infected. It’s very true for him to be thrown off by it, get a little careless due to shock. its natural. it’s good.

his “i told you something like this would happen” towards sonic in the beginning of #19 is justified. He hates that he was right, he always is, and he wishes he wasnt. he could’ve prevented this, but its too late now. then later he risks getting infected with the metal virus, and he DOES get infected. He suddenly wasnt right anymore. This sense of irony... it’s probably one of the reasons he has trouble to concentrate on the fight. it’s a nice parallel. IDK if ian intended it to be this deep, but that’s what i read into it.

(i also want to point out that i like that herms gives everyone slightly diverse “skin”-tones. like diverse undertones. im still peeved they are all pretty pale but its hoenstly a nice little nod)

okay so here’s what i think could’ve gone better:

I feel like shadow being the one to drive the truck into the city is a reference to 06, where he is driving around in various vehicles. That in itself is nice, and i think shadow is a person who prefers to do things himself if there’s a lot at stake (which there was a lot of peoples lives) but i also think that he would think of himself as a powerful shield. He would rather be the one overseeing the battlefield insread of being the designated driver. He knows he was created for the frontlines, and he is someone who knows he can survive the front lines. He is not a sacrefice tobe made, he is the one who will make sure that no one else has to sacrefice themselves. Shadow should’ve been on site from the very beginning. Where is the rest of GUN anyways? Those low level humans should make an effort to protect the life on their planet.

Shadow did absolutely NOT use 100% of his pwoer to protect the truck. He could EASILY have done more. He can lift trucks. He could use chaos blast. He could easily have prevented just faling victim to the zombots so easily.

As mentioned above it kind of DOES make sense for him to go down easily due to being infected, but I think this was the wrong time to let him get infected. I think he wouldn’t let his guard down and carelessly touch a zombot. He would not give in to the temptation to test his limits like this if there was not a greater cause. I think he would easily break if someone he cared about (other than sonic) fell victim to the metal virus. This is something that would get him emotional, to get careless. He knows sonic can outrun the virus, but rouge can’t. Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Vector, all of Sonic’s friends can’t outrun the virus. There’s a big chance that he is immune, there’s a slim chance he is not. But even with that slim chance, he knows he could outrun it, just like sonic. Losing someone he cares about to the virus would remind him of his superiority, of how fragile life is and of his responsibility to protect life itself. Any restrait would be gone. He would be driven by guilt and anger at himself, that he could’ve done better, that he HAS to do better. It’s something that spirals him totally out of control. It’s something that would make him want to prove to himself that he has the ability to fix it all. because it’s all his fault.

this is honestly something that is so important. he feels responsible for this, because he did what was right and gave sonic and eggman a chance. In his mind, sometimes the right hting to do is the wrong thing to do, because sometimes only wrong actions get you to the right goal. he is a gray character like that, and i think it’s not shown enough. his regret and guilt don’t surface enough so that anyone who is not as invested in the character would be able to read it out of #19. there’s a lot of stuff going on inside shadow in this issue and its just. not enough time to unpack it all. this whole deal of him getting infected was too rushed. (as mentioned above i wouldve preferred he get infected a little later or under other circumstances)

I think shadow is aware of his responsibility as living weapon to not fall into the hands of the enemy. he has learned what it means to be manipulated, he learned what it means if he was used as a weapon by an enemy of life on earth. he does NOT want to be used as an object of destruction ever again. He would RUN. even if hesitant, but his emotions would make him excell even in that. he would make sure he’d run faster than sonic. he’s want to make sure that he’d give 110% and cure himself, something sonic couldn’t do.

the way he would go down in my mind is him excerting himself. He would absolutely reject help. he would prefer to not have any contact with anyone at all. For one because he feels guilty and he doesn’t want to deal with that emotionally, also because he doesn’t want anyone to see him in this state of weakness. He absolutely would loathe the idea of anyone being able to see him go down and surrender to the enemy. He would absolutely exhaust his entire energy reservoir building barricades and being the sole and only front line protecting evacuation efforts from a distance, to make sure that they have enough buffer to escape, should he fail.

shadow is someone  who is rash and has a tendency to boast his strength, but he also is someone who tries to consider any and all possibilities, no matter how painful they are to admit to his pride. he will shove them to the back of his mind, but they are still there. and if it COMES to those scenarios, he will have a plan for them. only if unpredictable things happen, or things that shake him emotionally, he would lose grip.

also in all those talks abt things shaking him emotionally, i dont mean that other people who arent his friends are not important to him, its just that friendship has a bigger impact on people. i think that should be pretty obvious, but since people like to misinterpret shadow id like to make sure people understand that i think that shadow values all and every life on the planet. he griefs over random deaths as much as his friends, it’s just that it hits more personal. mostly because he thinks... of himself as someone who always protects, but never has to be protected.

shadows relationship with himself is complicated. he thinks very low of himself. he pretty much hates himself. but that is because he thinks oh so highly of himself. he is perfect, ultimate, unbeatable, unstoppable, immortal, immune.... he expects all this of himself... even though he knows that it’s not true. it’s the one thing that he knows of himself. The one thing he feels that he could maybe achieve if he tried hard enough, and of course he is never trying hard enough; and at the same time he is trying so hard. He gives 300% and yet he still feels like he halfasses everything and he still feels like he could do better. On the outside he presents it with his strict edgy persona, that looks down on everyone. but really he feels so small. most of all towards sonic. sonic is so so tall compared to shadow (pun intended).

he looks up to sonic so much, because he always manages to go out of hisway to do what is right. even if it meant risk, even if it meant weakness. Sonic, the guy that easily could just get killed and hurt and not recover. the funny jokes dude that never thinks more than a single step ahead. This boy is out there risking his life for the life of this planet on the front lines and he shows not a single care about his own safety, always putting everyone else before him. shadow envies him. he really really does. thats why he values his opinoin. thats why he listens to him and even steps back from his OWN ideals, something he would do for only VERY few people, because of course shadow is always right. this is referenced in various sonic games (sa2 most of all,shth,sth) and in sonic x (yea its not canon but like. They Really Got His Character).

ADDING SOME RAMBLING AFTER ISSUE #33 RELEASED

#shadcanon #kinda? #meta/ shadow #i still love my meta tag #anonymous #fan lore

[fangwhoria]

11/11/11

thank you so much to @fluffythewritingplant the god of my existence for tagging me!!

Rules: Answer 11 questions, Ask 11 questions, Tag 11 people!

okay,,,, you asked 15 questions. you even numbered all of them, so it wasnt a mistake,,,,, idk if im just supposed to pick 11 or if you just got excited of if you legitametly don’t know what 11 is,,, Either way im gonna answer all of them cuz people who are bad at math are valid and i love talking about my wip!!

1. What is your favorite part of writing?

you know that moment when youve been kicking yourself over a plothole in your wip for ages, and suddenly something just pops in your head and all the pieces fall into place? yeah. that feeling

2. Do you prefer reading or writing?

i dont have much time for either right about now, but id have to say writing only because im kind of a control freak and if im writing the story it goes the way I want it to

3. How many people have read your stuff?

not many! those of you who see my posts on here and one of my friends occasionally. im very self concious about people who can see my face reading my stuff

4. How many people irl have read your stuff?

like,,, maybe 2

5. Are there any books or movies that inspired your writing?

percy jackson made me a writer

6. How many WIPs do you have?

only one main one atm, but another has been pushing at the back of my mind for a little while, but that ones just a couple of scraps of story

7. What are some ideas you had to throw away because you just didn’t have the time to work on them?

ive nevr had to throw things out because of time, but ive had to scrap some cool things because they either didnt fit in the plot, like in one of the early versions of FYofH where Johanna was acting as a fortune teller during the time Delilah was deceased, or a year ago i really wanted to write something about fairies but i just didnt have enough ideas for that story to really develop it at the time. One day ill go back to it

8. Have you ever written any poetry? Wanna show some of your stuff?

lol i hate writing poetry with a passion, but here ill write a quick one, just for you

*ahem*

Sometimes

I want to 

lie down

in the woods

and become one 

with the roots

There you go! an elle original! right off the top of my head!

9. What’s your favorite line/scene you’ve ever written (several are possible of course)?

im particularly fond of this one from a couple days ago: 

She felt like ice was building up inside her, starting at her heart and encasing her internal organs, then her bones, until ice was forming around her eyes and mouth and slowly covering her entire body until she was nothing but ice, an icicle previously known as Johanna.

and since im too lazy to go through my file of nice lines by elle, heres a thing i wrote at 3 am a month ago while high on cold medicine:

Shes In love with the giddess of desath beacuaes she loves biug tiddie goth gf but since she s agod they canmt be togtgher and since shes a witch he cant deie to be w her so its angsty and sad but big tiddie sun lady UInserstands the gays and is like “its okay lol”n ajnf that s hweom its endas

10. What’s your favorite quote

not really a quote but the whole song No Choir just really inspires me, ya know? like happiness doesnt have to be this big amazing complicated thing, it can be as simple as just sitting with someone you care about

11. What’s your favorite quote by someone you know?

“Knowing the surface area of this chef boyardee party hat is important because if your child has such a big brain from eating so much chef boyardee, we have to make sure the hat will fit”- my friend while she and i were giving an academic presentation. i will give no more context than that

12. What’s your favorite book?

SO MANY--- Carry On will always have a special place, as well as Percy Jackson, and i LOVE the Raven Cycle SO MUCH  and miss peregrines is super wild but soooo my aesthetic

13. Which book do you regret reading?

looking for alaska by john green

14. Is there something you regret writing?

i dont regret anything iveever written. they were all learning experiences that were essential tomaking me a better writer. 

Okay maybe i regret that lams college au just a little

15. If your OC’s were actual people in your life, what would your relationship be like?

they would all be annoyed by me because im annoying

if you actually read all of this youre my hero

my 11 questions are to pick 11 questions from the list i just answered

tagging these absolute heroes: @lauraswritingjournal @nkta-ink @vasilisapeadarsan @inexorableblob @cawolters @kenny-d-juice @katabasiss @floortile-flowers @writer-in-drag @towaniisme @ink-on-poppies no pressure yall!

#tag game #writeblr #wip: fyofh #wip: for years or for hours #writers on tumblr #writing

[arreumddawo]

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

[jokeson-u]

i feel like talking about myself bc i do better coping and thinking when i have to articulate my thoughts and i dont feel comfortable enough about this stuff with my therapist or friends so ill do it here where no one will care lmao

drug, sex, depression tw under the cut

i gotta lot of things to say. idk where to start. i guess freshman year of college cus it was shitty. i was in a community college living at home and transporting to school by train. i went to each class maybe like 3 or 4 times and then just stopped showing up and instead. for some reason. decided to spend my days riding the trains or sneaking home to smoke (weed, i dont smoke tobacco and ill get to that later. actually i can just say that now i dont like cigarettes bc my parents chose buying cigs and alcohol over feeding me and my sisters when we were kids. also why i dont drink.) so i dropped probably at least a solid $500 that semester on food and ubers (train was free with the student card) and weed (actually no i just took all my bud from my dad so). i was severely depressed and just dug myself further into that hole by not going to class because no way could i tell my parents. then i like ??? idk had this dude over my house and stuff happened and i felt rly shitty afterwards and didnt rly know how to tell anyone. then later later my ex bf texted me cus he was sad and i had visited him the month prior and we had sex and it was not good. like i felt safe with him, ive known him since i was 13 nd we’ve been friends since then too, but he was a shitty bf both times we dated (sophomore year and senior year) and like .. i dont regret sleeping with him, bc he is someone i trust despite or weird relationship to each other (like we text maybe once a month for a few mins to check in sometimes), but i also. idk. that was my first time and i think virginity is a social construct but at the same time i wish i had an enjoyable first time. like maybe i was ok with it then bc i was trying to overcompensate for my experience with that guy from earlier in the year and not feel so used bc i know my ex at least cared about me and he felt bad afterwards bc it obviously was weird but. idk. it was just a really horrible time like... i felt like i had no friends bc they all treated my shitty and where gone to school anyways. i had no one to talk to, or felt i didnt, and everytime i tried id get in trouble. like i felt so trapped and depressed and didnt know how to get out of it. i was in the negatives in my bank account and didnt know how to pay it all off. i was hanging out with/spending money on/smoking with people i didnt even like just so i wouldnt be alone. it was rly rly shitty and one of my lowest points. but at the end of the semester i told my mom the idea of going back to school made me miserable so i dropped out and started working for my cousin for a little bit. then i got really really sick and got diagnosed with crohns disease which sucked as it but then i spent my bday throwing up with a 103 fever and had to spend the following week in the hospital which also totally fucked me up bc i didnt eat for almost that whole week bc the staff wasnt giving me food i could eat despite me telling them over and over. plus it was during covid so i couldnt see anyone or have any physical contact and it was just horrible. but i couldnt smoke during my time in the hospital obviously so i had a tolerance break and it was kinda nice to smoke again after that but? i dont rly smoke much anymore, my friends are all gone, i have no space or time to anymore. my friend always says u cant be addicted to weed but that first semester i know it was a dependency issue and i was glad that im past that but sometimes i get worried i guess that im too dependent on stuff like. my carts (which techincally arent weed bc theyre delta 8 so its legal) and im spending way too much money on those now too and UGH i hate feeling like i cant control myself bc my parents addictions fucked me and my sisters up but this is different cus i dont have kids or ppl relying on me but it still scares me bc i dont even ever feel high anymore when i smoke (weed OR cart) but i do it anyways in hopes that ill feel SOMETHING again and its just a constant cycle. anyways then this year i started working part time and then full time which has been good. but now next month ill be out of the full time job and im stressed about that. ok thats all for now folks bye

#drug tw #Personal #capital P

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.

[inawickedlittletown]

Walking The Wire (117/155)

Summary: Tony Stark always knew about Peter Parker. He didn’t know that Peter was going to get superpowers and become Spider-Man, but he always knew about Peter because Peter was his son.

This will span from pre-Iron Man up through the rest of the MCU (eventually including Infinity War) and will be for the most part canon compliant except where I’ve taken some liberties and interpreted canon a certain way.

Pairings: Pepper/Tony, Tony/Steve (endgame), Tony/Mary (past)

A/N: If you want me to tag you when I post new chapters let me know. This fic is also on AO3

I used Collider’s MCU timeline to stay canon and the title of this fic is an Imagine Dragons song that is just so fitting for Peter and Tony

@findmeinthestarss

Masterpost

Chapter One Hundred Sixteen

Strange was on the ground but he was awake and Peter stood a few feet away, the iron legs gone back into the suit and his mask pulled back. The cape flew away from Peter where Peter had been greeting it to Strange as Tony approached and let the nanotech in the suit pull back entirely as he walked towards them.

“We’ve got to turn this ship around,” Strange said.

It was Tony’s first instinct too. Figure out how to turn the ship around and go back home. It was sort of his main instinct because Peter was on the ship. The only thing was that he didn’t know if they could or if it was the right thing to do. Maybe there was something to the idea of catching Thanos unaware because the last thing that he was probably expecting was for them to show up wherever the ship was headed. After all, they were already headed to space so maybe they just needed to stick with that trajectory since Strange had gotten them into this situation in the first place by not leaving when he could have.

“Stark, we have to turn the ship around.”

“Yeah. Now he wants to run. Great plan,” Tony muttered.

“No,” Strange grounded out. “I want to protect the stone.”

Tony really just -- he hated how arrogant Strange was even after Tony had gone to the trouble of saving his life. He headed towards what looked to be the controls of the ship.

“And I want you to thank me. Go ahead. I’m listening,” Tony added as he walked away.

“For what? Nearly blasting me into space?” Strange asked as if he hadn’t been surrounded by needles just a few minutes earlier.

It was as if he wasn’t taking into consideration at all that Tony and Peter had had to leave Earth to save him because he and the Time Stone around his neck had gotten captured and taken onto an alien ship.

“Who just saved your magical ass?” Tony asked and he turned because he knew that Strange had walked after him. “Me.”

“I seriously don’t know how you fit your head into that helmet,” Strange said and Tony thought that he must have said it solely to irritate him. He really couldn’t stand this man.

If Strange had only listened to Tony while they were on Earth when Tony told him to leave it was possible that they wouldn’t be in the situation they were finding themselves in now on some alien ship in space headed to -- well, Tony had no idea where they were headed.

“Admit it,” Tony said. “You should have ducked out when I told you to. I tried to bench you. You refused.”

Dr. Strange scoffed and it was clear that he was too arrogant and too determined to disagree with Tony and at least bickering with him took his mind off of worrying about Peter and the outcome of the situation they were in. From the looks of it it the ship was on some sort of autopilot. Tony had no way of knowing where it was headed but there was certainly a destination.

“Unlike everyone else in your life,” Strange said, “I don’t work for you.”

“And due to that fact, we’re now in a flying donut billions of miles away from Earth with no backup.” That was the part that really rankled Tony if he was honest. He had no way to contact the team -- to let them know what was going on or that they were okay. No way to figure out a plan together and really decide what their best choice would be. They were on their own. He and Peter were on their own with Strange.

“I’m backup,” Peter spoke up from behind Strange.

Tony didn’t want to be angry with Peter. He didn’t want to be upset at him for staying on the ship when Tony had been sending home and yet it was there under the surface because Tony had to think about the universe as a whole and his mind just kept going back to protecting his kid because to him that was the most important thing and yet -- Peter’s well being couldn’t be the priority. Not this time.

“No,” Tony said, addressing Peter, “you’re a stowaway.” And for good measure he pointed at himself and Strange. “The adults are talking.”

Peter’s shoulders dropped a little and he looked like he was ready to argue back, but he seemed to rethink it.

“I’m sorry,” Strange said. He was looking between him and Peter with some interest. “So, I’m a bit confused as to the relationship here. What is he? Your ward?”  

“No,” Peter said. “I’m Peter, by the way.”

“I’m surprised you don’t already know,” Tony said. “After all, everyone knows I have a son.”

Granted, most people didn’t know that his son was Peter and that his son was Spider-Man, but Strange wouldn’t care one way or another.

Strange grunted. “I don’t actually follow your media coverage, Stark,” he said. “So this is your son, then?” Strange looked Peter over, seemingly taking the moment to really look at him before he let out a breath. “I’m Doctor Strange,” he said directing it at Peter.

Tony busied himself looking at the controls of the ship, trying to figure out how they worked and what they might need to do to get control of the ship and maybe get it off of autopilot too.

“Oh,” Peter said, “we’re using our made-up names. Um, I’m Spider-Man, then.”

Tony tried not to laugh. He wasn’t sure if Peter had said it because he was serious or because he was getting some amusement out of confusing Strange.

“The ship is self-correcting its course,” Tony informed them. “It’s on autopilot.”

Tony still wasn’t sure if they should head back home. The father in him said yes -- that it was the best thing to do. It would mean being back somewhere familiar where they could figure out what to do with the Time Stone. It would also mean having Peter back on Earth and having the option of trying to keep Peter out of trouble. But he couldn’t make that decision based solely on what was best for Peter. He couldn’t be a dad -- he couldn’t be Tony Stark about it. He had to be Iron Man -- he had to be an Avenger.

“Can we control it? Fly us home?” Strange asked.

Tony didn’t answer. What were the better odds? Thanos would come for the stone no matter where they were and with him destruction and death.

“Stark?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you get us home?” Oh, but he wanted to. He wanted to badly.

“I heard you,” Tony said. “I’m -- I’m thinking -- well...I’m not so sure we should go back.”

Tony knew that as soon as he said it that Strange didn’t agree and that he didn’t understand what Tony meant by it.

“Under no circumstance can we bring the Time Stone to Thanos,” Strange said. “I don’t think you quite understand what’s at stake here.” He got in Tony’s face, anger and fear so obvious in the way he stared at Tony and it was so demeaning and pushy and of course Tony understood. He understood better than anyone.

“No, it’s you who doesn’t understand,” Tony shot back. “Thanos has been inside my head for six years! Since he sent an army to New York and now he’s back and I don’t know what to do. So, I’m not so sure if it’s a better plan to fight him on our turf or his, but you saw what they did. What he can do. At least on his turf, he’s not expecting it. So, I say we take the fight to him.”

He had decided. He was sure it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. Tony stared at Strange and at least the man was smart enough to take Tony’s words and think on them and not just shove them aside like everything else Tony had said.

“Doctor, do you concur?”

Strange took a moment and then there was a slight nod even though Tony could tell that Strange wasn’t entirely sure. “Alright, Stark. We go to him.”

Was it a good plan? Tony wasn’t sure -- it just seemed like the thing to do. Because if they could turn the ship around -- assuming they could even manage that -- it wouldn’t exactly lead them away from the fight. Tony started to turn away from Strange, but Strange stopped him and he looked almost apologetic in the way he stared at Tony. He glanced back towards Peter once before speaking.

“You have to understand,” Strange said, “if it comes to saving you or your son or the Time Stone -- I will not hesitate to let either of you die. The fate of the universe depends on it.”

Peter let out a gasp. Small and almost silent. Tony tried not to react with anger.  

“Good,” Tony said. “Nice moral compass you got there.”

Strange looked away and Tony stepped back too and then he looked towards Peter. Too loyal and too wonderful Peter who should have been back on Earth safe and sound. Tony would have felt so much better about this decision if Peter wasn’t there. He hated the idea of bringing Peter along to this fight -- to face a threat worse than any they’d ever faced before. Peter had moved over, closer to the controls which he looked at with curious interest.

Tony dropped a hand to Peter’s shoulder and Peter just moved into a hug almost instantly as if it were instinct to him and Tony didn’t mind it at all. Peter’s arms wrapped around Tony’s middle and he was warm and breathing and alive and Tony could hear his heartbeat and it was enough. Tony pressed a kiss to Peter’s head and he closed his eyes and let himself imagine that they weren’t on an alien ship and instead back home and none of it was true.

“Love you, kid,” Tony said.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen,” Peter whispered.

“I know.” And he did. He could tell that Peter felt sorry -- he maybe didn’t regret his actions completely, but he hated disappointing Tony. “It’s -- I don’t know if I’d say it’s okay but there’s nothing to be done now.”

“I know,” Peter said.

When Tony looked up he found that Strange was watching them.

Chapter One Hundred Eighteen

#peter and tony #peter and tony fic #mcuwriting #mcu fic #iron dad #iron dad and spider son #stony #stony fic #marvel

[the-little-red-noodle]

2/25/17 4:01am

With the amount of times ive run into Eli lately, i feel justified in writing about him. I feel like the universe is trying to jog me into thinking of him. Where my heads at is strangely unconfused. I feel so fond in remembering him and our time together. I find myself smiling thinking about him as a person. I find that thinking of him conjures only positives; he's a nice person, he's funny, he's cute, he can dance, he's intelligent, we really get each other. I feel like he is all the makings of a best friend, minus his desire to be involved with me platonically. About a month ago he told me that it wasnt emotionally productive to be friends with me while i was in a relationship. I was really at odds about it because i find myself feeling truly moved on from him in a romantic sense, but desperately wanting to keep him in my life. In the period of time before we became 'involved' with each other, i felt such tenderness and enjoyment in his company, in a friend sense. At this time i was still dating harrison. Spending time with Eli, despite my relationship, felt so close to a romance minus the actual romantic feelings. I was like obsessed with him, it was weird. I loved that this strange person enjoyed my company. Was texting me, was dancing with me, was interested in me? I was excited about my new formed relationship with him. Im the one who changed the dynamic. Over spring break last year, Harrison and I had broken up and i was talking to Eli every day. The second my plane landed back in new york, i asked Eli to see a movie with me. This movie turned to dinner, turned to dessert, turned to meeting his roommate the next morning.. it was insane, id never done anything like that, EVERR.. we didnt have sex, or really anything sexual at all, we just stayed up talking.. and as i recall, it was some of the most stimulating conversation id ever shared with a person. I long for THAT connection with him again. Just two people genuinely interested in each other's minds. We kissed and talked and slept. It just sort of evolved from there. In the following weeks, i stayed with him regularly. I knew his house mates, and felt happy being included in the group activities. We went bar crawling, we made poetry and art and read fascinations. He was my cliche art school college philosophy boyfriend, minus the boyfriend part. When he started talking about defining the relationship, i was disappointed. I so badly wanted to be like other couples on campus. Open and polyamorous. I was attracted to other women on campus and still knotted up about my previous relationship. I just didnt want things to change. I wish i could have made him happy. I deeply regret that. I know the relationship ended when i went home for summer and knew i couldnt hold it up. I immediately felt overwhelmed and went out of control developing feelings for other people. I felt suffocated. I quickly broke things off with him after several failed attempts over skype where he told me we could make it to next year. I knew we couldnt. When I saw dempsey in that light finally, everything changed. Suddenly i wasnt afraid of commitment. I wasnt afraid of long distance anymore. I realize now that this is because i couldnt see a future with Eli, the way i do with Ryan. I feel bad for letting him down on that front, but you cant force feelings. I taught him that the hard way and i feel disappointed in myself for making such a sweet person feel like that.. So now we're here. On the same campus, seeing each other every day, frequently, and frequenting the same hang outs. And i cant help but be frustrated with him for not wanting friendship anymore. In my mind, i gloss over the romantic part because i wasnt as invested. I realize now how much it meant to him. I was the first girlfriend to meet his family, all of them. The parents, his sister, we even drove out to vermont to meet his brother. I feel awful for that. Usually you dont introduce someone unless you think theyll stay for a while.. i feel bad for leaving in the morning, thats how it looks. I feel, at odds. I want him in my life, he was such a positive, goofy, little ray of sun in this dreary life. Im hopeful, but also not. Just today as i was walking to the pac, he walked past me. We met eyes and did the little goofy head cock at the same time and both laughed. I miss his quirk. I feel like i miss everything about him other than the actual relationship, which sounds mean. I dont miss talking about my feelings for him, i dont miss kissing, i dont miss the annoying hickies, i DEFINITELY dont miss the sex, for so many reasons. It was so unsatisfactory. He never looked like he enjoyed anything, ever. Which upset me. Just one monotone face the whole time. What? So i dont miss that. I miss his companionship. I miss him writing poems for me and teaching me darts and always having something positive to say about anything. Everything. My heads in a funny space. I know i sound so longing for him, but its different. The way i longed for Harrison was romantic, this is just.. him as a person, gracing my life once in a while. I feel like he's that one that got away, that i got over and now wish nothing but the best for. I so truly want him to be happy, i just wish being my friend made him happy. Isnt it strange how you can go from practically living with someone, no not speaking? How can the human heart handle stuff like this? I feel it with Callum too. Though we werent involved romantically, he did spend most of his time in my apartment. I cooked him dinner frequently, he slept in my bed.. he was like a brother, that suddenly turned violently against me and started dating my best friend.. strange how life changes so. I just feel like my situation with Eli is unique. I wouldnt want to really be friends with any of my exes but him. Its so different. Like Tor and i are on ok terms, but we wouldnt hang out. Never with teo or sam or harrison, but Eli? Id like to be friends with him. Sadly.

#samiswriting

[absolutebandtrashlol]

im not on here enough to do one every day. so im just gonna do all of them right now. 

1. ive been self harming for almost 4 years. i had first started because of bullying and self-esteem problems. i developed depression and anxiety. and i thought it was the only thing that could help

2. my left, lower, arm. thats where i had first started also...

3.i honestly have no motivation. ive tried to recover. but everytime i start to go crazy and i relapse it never lasts long. 

4.yes...because of the fact, i cant last a full week without doing it. if someone takes my razor i freak out and start throwing things around my room trying to find it. id do anything to have it back. or to get a new one...i hate that im like this. but i cant stop it.

5. the pain after doing it. going into the shower, it stings and it hurts. but i always just remind myself of why i did it. 

6. i love the release i feel while doing it. it calms me. it helps me...but then i lose control and soon my whole arm or leg is covered in cuts and blood.

7. i dont think i have 10. but ill list what i do. i color, sing, draw, read, watch youtube, write, and take pictures of things, and sometimes go for long walks.

8. honestly no one has ever said something supportive to help me stop. other then the basic. “everything will be fine” and “stay strong”

9. yea...sometimes. im not even sure why i do it. i have pictures on my laptop of some. sometimes if i ever tell anyone they ask to see it. so i take a picture. i just forget to delete them.

10. at one point i wasnt ashamed about them...but now thats a whole new story. i hate my scars. i usually dont want anyone to see them. but i cant always hide them with certain shirts. i dont wear shorts so my legs stay fully hidden. 

11. my friends bathroom... it was a sleepover. i think it was around 2 in the morning. they were sleeping. i wasnt, i was thinking too much. i went to the bathroom and found something sharp and did it, and got rid of what i used. i didnt get caught.

12. no one ever goes in my room so most of the time they are on my little stool next to my bed. if not its in my drawer or in my colored pencil kit. (it came with a pencil sharpener. so i took that out. and just put it back after.

13. that it is a horrible addiction. and that i dont think ill ever be able to stop...

14. i think at one point, there was a youtuber that inspired me. but then 1 week later i relapsed. and i couldnt keep trying anymore.

15. youtube, and google....sometimes i look at peoples scars. comparing mine to theirs....but then i just call myself a pussy because theirs is worse. i dont know why im like this....

16. please. im begging you....dont make that first cut....you will regret it so much....you will become addicted and you will hate yourself so much for that tiny little scrape. that soon becomes open bleeding wounds. just please. dont do it....people will be hurt by your actions. just dont be like me...

17. yea...a few of my friends either have or still are self harming.

18. im so proud of you...you did it. right now, it feels like im never going to get better...but if you are reading this right now. that means...we made it...we really did. or maybe, we are still struggling, but guess what, we are still alive. maybe we will never be ok...but at least we are keeping others happy by this...

19. 1, no more scars and cuts to hide. 2, family wont be disappointing. and honestly other then that i dont really know anything else. 

20. the time that i had the worse episode of my life so far. both arms and legs cut up. i was so close to suicide. i had so many cuts....i think i still have a picture from that....that picture is stuck in my head forever anyways...

21. ive tried many times...and im honestly not trying anymore, because everytime i try, i fail, so whats the point of trying.

22. at the park with the big pond, theres a table under a little roof thing looking over the whole pond and park. i sit there and think, and write.

23. F.E.A.R, has two meanings. Forget everything and run. and Face everything and rise. the choice is yours.

24. yelling, because of my father, and then my step father. any kind of negative talk towards me, because of bullying. and people joking about depression/suicide/selfharm. for obvious reasons.

25. i try to ignore them. i just dont want to be reminded about all that crap.

26. when someone tells me they love me. and i can tell they really mean it. or just the simple things...like sitting on the top of a parking garage watching the sun set. 

27. i think the longest i went without self harming was 2 and a half weeks.

28. i dont know, just try to last longer without self harming, but so far that isnt going to well.

29. yea i think so. 

30.i cant add anymore pictures in this. plus everytime i look at a picture of myself i just pick out every small little flaw possible...

#depression #sad #selfharm #self harm #suicide

[thefeckisthis]

me and why am I single

Yes, that is the title of this post as i get asked about it quite a lot, so i might as well give some thoughts about it. and things have been happening lately that kind of add up on the whole being single story.

before that i’d like to say couple of things about me, just to ‘ease’ in the story. even here i’m going to go by ina, short and simple. I’m croatian living in ireland for the last 5 years (time flew by so quickly :S) so if you wonder why am i writing in english and not croatian - its easier somehow, my life is now 95% in english, at work, home, around me; its just what is more normal to me. 

sometimes i think im bit of weird mix of personality; i do struggle with anxiety and with that comes overthinking, which at one point made my life really rough and tough for both me and people i have interacted. alongside of that, im pretty blunt and straightforward most of the time, I dont and i wont take lots of bullshit nor will i lie and pretend i like something that i dont. it took me a looooong time to get to this point (about that could be in another post) but it did save me lots of nerves and useless time spent, made me happier. and being such person tends to hurt some people and drive them away from me. i dont mean i will be mean and say ugly and hurtful stuff, just if you ask me for honest opinion - you WILL get it, whether you like it or not. and its funny how many people get offended when they ask you an advice or opinion and then get offended when I tell them something they dont want to hear.

dont ask if you cant handle opinions that you might not like. simple as that. not everything in this world is going to bend backwards just to make you feel better.

so if you crossed my path, if at one point you were in my life (or if you still are), talked to me or anything like that, you might be mentioned in one of the posts. if so - hi. how are you? hows life?. and if you do find yourself in the blog and I give an opinion about you (i will never give away peoples real identities) or set you as an example for something and you dont like it, dont get mad, its just the way how you impacted my life and it may give you some insight on how you leave trace in other peoples life. maybe it makes you change.

so why am I single?

i get asked that a lot. I LOVE being single. simple as that. my journey to become a person i am today was long and hard, but i got to a point where i am really happy with person i have become and I am proud of a person i have become. 

I am a whole, i dont look for my ‘other half’ and i think that everyone should love them first before they seek out to love someone else. you need to be enough for yourself, not to look for someone else to complete you. not to say people in relationships are sad, not full or anything like that, but lots of people tend to settle, they keep looking for that someone else that now the whole world thinks that finding a partner is ultimate life goal.

no.

finding yourself is ultimate goal. i came to the point that im not looking for someone else, im constantly trying to grow as a person and im not going to look for anyone, the right person will come along. having that one other person is just a great addition in my life, not a goal. i have lived before them and will live after them.

some people would ask me am i single because im still hung up on some people and cant get over them, or am i into girls as I never have a boyfriend and annoying thing is that they dont believe me when i say i dont want a relationship. i have been in couple of them and found out that i dont like, it is too much hassle and i feel restricted in them, caged. if im being honest, im more for open relationships, i dont see myself exclusively with one person only. people find it crazy or think im talking utter bullshit, its so hard for many of them to accept that not all people are the same.

there were some odd people who would say i cant find someone because i think im better than everyone else or that i have set my standards too high. and yes, my standards are high, i know who i am and what i want and what im looking for and wont settle for else. id rather be single then settle for less and be frustrated about the other person not being on my level. sorry, you can be brad freaking pitt, but if you dont have anything in your head and if you dont challenge me as a person you wont be of any interest to me.

2018. was a bich mentally. thats when my anxiety and overthinking was reaching it highest points and i was annoying and stressful for myself, let alone for someone else. there were loads of factors influencing that and there was one person who i think did not deserve all that from me (no saying it was 100% my fault but loads of it was due to me) and i do regret being the way i was to that person and it does make me feel like shit when i think of it. past is in the past, i cant do much about it other than apologize. after that my anxiety was going up and down and it wasnt until i had full blown 45 minutes panic attack/breakdown in someone else house that made me stop and forced me to get my shit together .since then i was determined to get it all under control.

and as ive said, now its almost a year that i havent been seeing anyone and i have been focusing on my own mental health. im proud to say that i made it better and havent had too many anxiety attacks in that year; they were triggered, they did come, my overthinking did spike quite a lot and i have learned to keep it under control and not let it affect my life.

lately ive been talking to people and this internet dating time is just making me completely give up on everything. as an introvert its easiest way for me to meet people and talk to people, just that all shenanigans connected to it... its another world and i can make another post about it. if i continued about that it would take another while haha

i’ve probably not touched half of the subjects that could be covered within this, but if you were nice enough to read through all this text there is couple of option at the top where you can drop a question or give a comment and we can discuss about it.

let me know what you think. tell me more what is on your mind or just share our opinion, everything is welcome and there is no judgement from me :)

#single #single life #dating #anxienty #overthinking #self improvement #self love #love #self impowerment #new #newpost #new post #followme #share

[jeffandsarahrelationship]

the ballad of jeff and sarah

this is a blog to basically do two things .....to help me heal by putting it all out there and to get people who want to know what happened between us a place to see it and to stop Inboxing me about.....the following is my account and my account of the events alone....i cant speak for sarah or others involved because im not them....they can feel free and post a blog of their accounts if they wish.....this is just me trying to get over a breakup that i had my heart in....after this all quesstions or inquiries will be ignored if sent to my inbox i just want to move forward....and my therapist thought this blog would be a good way to do that....

so... i met sarah at a mutual friend jamies bday party.....jamie, richard, erica, rickie, and sarah all went....she stunned me .....such a beautiful woman that i couldnt speak right away ....i got shy ...she spoke to me first and then we started a convo...she, i and richard pretty much talked to each other the whole night .....we added each other on facebook and at the dinner she had a bf so i didnt think anything would happen....i was also talking to someone but nothing was set at that time.....i had talked to richard after that and he said he was interested in her as well...but that she had a boyfriend so we were out of luck....we began sending facebook messages back and forth for about 3 or 4 days ....the more we talked the more i was facinated by her likes, her interest, and just all around her perkiness, we both agreed there was something there but neither of us thought we should persue it.....but we did .....we decided to meet and go out to eat just to talk and get to know each other..i promised her ..while she had a boyfriend i was not going to try anything.......the sexual chemistry was strong that day....she asked if we could make out...so we did .....and it just keep going further....i couldnt fight what i felt for her.....we did stop though to go eat and talk.....and it was an amazing conversation....its safe to say i was enchanted by this woman....we then went back to her place where we got physical.....i felt like dog shit that i could do that to another person....not her ....her boyfriend.....but i couldnt get sarah out of my mind....we met i think two more times within the next two weeks....i had finally went on one date with the other girl....but i did not feel that connection to her that i did sarah.....ive tryed apologizing to her....but i dont blame her for hating me.....sarah wanted me to be her side piece i guess but i told her i couldnt do that ....it wasnt right doing that to john....her boyfriend at the time...so i told her i was ending things with the one i was seeing but that i wanted to be with her ....but i couldnt be her side man....i wanted to be her boyfriend....its john or me i said.....then i figured id never see her again....but she chose me and broke up with john.....so we started dating officially.....i was so happy....this amazing girl had chose me .....needless to say ....i fell pretty quick....i spent alot of time with her ....i wanted her to know im not gonna just leave....that i cared about her....she said she loved having me around that much as well...but dont all couples at the beginning i guess....we were honest about everything as far as i know....but i feel like she was...shes has extreme depression and a food disorder.....having never dealt with that ...i wanted to do my best to help or at least be there for her when she needed me....she also had social anxiety ..shes also thought about being polyamourous which i wasnt sure if i was open to....but maybe .....so we hung out with my friends and i told her i wanted her to make some friends with mine....so she would have an outlet.....her therapist told her to make female friends to...since she had only guys friends at that time....well she really got to know richard in that time..she was in awe of him....all his experiences and life choices he had made....what he knew about art and other things....she told me she was growing a crush on him.....which i was like ..ummmmm cause i know he had a crush on her.....i even made comments about them hooking up with i regret completely now...maybe i guess i just wanted to get it over with and hope the crush would dissappear.....

.she had told me in our conversations that when she feels an emotional connection with someone she has a hard time controlling herself ....pretty much a she did with me....

now i didnt worry about any of this or did we ever have problems until one day when she had a bad suicidal depression episode ....i had to work the next day but i tryed to talk her down....as did her therapist and others that she told me....so the next day i got done at work and went to see her....she was surprised to see me and said that she had already set up to hang with some people to help her.....but since i showed up she said did i want to join.....turned out she had talked to richard and wanted to have a convo with him alone....i didnt like that....i got scared and worried cause i knew they both had crushes on each other....but as a boyfriend....i didnt want to stop her from getting help for her depression if he could help......so i took her to his house and i went home for two hours and let them talk....my brain was eating me alive ....but i trusted my gf even after what she told me .....and i trusted richard who was my best friend since moving up here.....after i picked her up ....i told her about all that ...that i was uncomfortable about it....and why .....that it really was bothering me.....she did her best to reassure me that nothing was going on with richard ....and i felt better once she was in my arms again.....after that ....everytime she wanted to go out...she was like lets go to richards cause he has surround sound and such...but it was like ....anytime we went out....lets hit up richard.....so i got exteremly uncomfortable and told her.....then a couple of sundays ago....while i had my daughter ....she went with richard jo and jamie to the knoxville zoo....i was sad i couldnt go but i hoped they had fun.....i messaged her  during that time to just know she was having fun....as well as to shut my brain down of the fact she was with richard.....

when they got home....i was supposed to pick her up and go back to her place....when she got here....she asked again if i would wait an hour so that her and richard could talk alone again.....i freaked....i was not having it....i was about in tears upset....why does she keep wanting to talk to him.....they both have a crush ...no no  no no......but i said go ahead and talk....but i drove over at the same time....i sat in the drive way about 10 mins....my mind running in circles....i couldnt take it....were they talking about us....did she make a move on him like she did me while she was with john.....i didnt know i couldnt take it....so i got out of the truck and went around the back and tryed to listen to the convo.....i know this is not a good look on me ....but i wasnt thinking straight.....i was scared to death....i sat there a min trying to listen then realized what i was doing.....so i went around the front ...knocked on the door and told them both we needed to talk.......

i told them i wasnt comfortable with them being alone ....i didnt want anything to happen between them....that i knew she wanted richard which she confirmed right then that she wanted us both.....so i freaked again....and it ended up becoming a conversation about how richard could take care of her better than i could....richard said cause of my scared nature of what might happen he may have to bow out of a friendship with him and sarah....sarah took her hand from me at that point....sarah and i at the end were both drained...we went home....talked more between us ....and she said well if he doesnt want to be friends...i guess thats it.....but i thought me and her were ok....the next day we spend the morning together happy as can be....i took her to her group and picked her up....she was happy....however while she was in group richard sent a group message to both of us saying he had seen where i was out back trying to listen or see in.....and that he couldnt be friends anymore with her while we were together....she held my hand ...until she read his message....took it away and never gave it back....we were gonna go on a hike but she said take her home instead....where she dumped me......i left crying.....blaming myself.....barely able to see...i cryed for two days ......the first day i watched the chattooine meeting and they were sitting next to each other....i went into a deep depression.....finally on wens or thurs she messaged me.....telling me she still loved me but he didnt know what she wanted ...that she did want richard...but she also wanted me....she told me the truth about what had happened between her and richard in those first few days....but thats their business so i wont share that here.......however we talked and talked and she asked me could i be poly with her and richard .....i said i didnt know....also that jack had asked her out as well as talking to her ex john....who she said she might have sex with or not....why tell me that?

well we talked and she asked me to pick her up friday so we could talk about being poly.....we did and i didnt know if i could do that ...share my girl with another man....but i thought about giving it a shot.. i even messaged a few friends to get their advice on the subject....we then made love that night....i dont think she told that to richard.....the friday after the breakup.....and she talked to me all day saturday telling  me being poly would be great ...i would see.....having thoughts about me and richard and her.....he then picked her up saturday night....and sunday they went facebook official ....i had to get out of this so i blocked them both.....i couldnt handle it.....it sent me back into depression mode.....so monday i told her over phone...i couldnt be poly .....i couldnt share my girl....she told me it didnt matter cause she was with richard now....and thats pretty much where im at....trying to move on..

NOW IM NOT LYING ABOUT NONE OF THIS....IT IS SIMPLY MY ACCOUNT OF THE SITUATION....I ALSO HAVE SCREENSHOTS TO BACK UP MOST OF WHAT IVE SAID .....SO I CAN PROVE IM NOT A LIER....i am not trying to break up richard and sarah.....she even told me today she thinks he the one...and good for her.....but i needed to get this out of my system and to also stop all the inbox questions....cause damn guys.....it fucking hurts .......i lost my best friend and the woman i loved.....and 50 of you ....wanted to know the details so here they are.....

[in-paradox-space]

i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to. 

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing 

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it 

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken 

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural. 

I’d really like it if she liked me. 

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them 

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk 

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower 

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love 

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but 

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do 

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy 

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable 

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible 

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting? 

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together 

and that made me sort of nervous 

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am 

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and  i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand 

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now 

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show 

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music 

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it? 

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on 

and there was some awkwardness between us 

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they 

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill 

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship 

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow 

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her 

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow 

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that

#personal #long text post #relationships #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #i guess thats my drugs tag now