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theambitiouswoman · 7 months

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Hi Yili! Would you share with us some of the things that didn't align with you before you're healing but are natural for you now?

Hi angel baby <3

In no particular order:

Before I was insanely aggressive and triggered, now I am completely calm and passive.

Before I hated being vulnerable and expressing myself, saw it as a weakness. Now I see it as a strength and has been one of the most important qualities that has made my life so much easier.

Before I would not wear make up, dress up etc because I prioritized my career. Now I can not fathom not doing any of those things and realize how its a reflection of how I felt. I also realized that I am not my career.

Before I would not care about my looks because I did not want people to value me just because of my looks. I was actually very adamant about it because well, people have bad intentions and when you notice people wanting to date you because of who you are or what you look like, it does not feel great. Now I realize that I needed to do a better job at choosing people and learned to use that as leverage instead of being defined by it.

Before I would date men who were not.... masculine. Now I find those type of men insanely unattractive.

Before, I would over work myself. Now I am more clear minded to make better decisions without the stress.

Before I was insanely unforgiving. Now I am compassionate.

Before I could not even cry. I was so out of touch with my emotions. Now I am completely connected to them, and control them perfectly.

Before I was very angry. Now I am just a happy little bird.

Before I was very hurt, and learned to forgive myself.

Before I was very defensive, and now I realize I just didn't appreciate my own worth.

Before I wanted to be chosen, now I do the choosing.

Before, I would blame the people that hurt me and build an identity around it. Now I recognize the root of the role I played in those dynamics.

Before I valued certain things when it comes to relationship that are very different from what I value now. I understand how my results were a direct reflection of my actions, not my intentions.

Before I thought I was independent because of my financial situation, but i realized I was emotionally drowning and trying to grab on to anyone. Essentially not independent as an individual. I was a slave to the feelings I was not confronting and as a result having everything blow up in my face.

Before I would blame outside circumstances. Now I make a conscious decision to figure out what I need to do or could have done to get the results I want. Take accountability instead of hiding behind my hurt feelings.

Before, I had very close relationships with people who held me back. Now I realize that those people aligned with a version of myself I didn't want to be.

Before I struggled balancing my energies in terms of career and personal relationships, now i realize a lot of it had to do with my upbringing.

Before I wanted to do things certain ways, because I wanted to do things my way, cause that is what i felt was right. Now I realize those thoughts and actions were truly based on my own past trauma and triggers that wired my brain to naturally perceive certain steps as better based on that foundation.

Before I didn't realize how the men I dated were so much like my father, who I love and adore, but is not the type of man I want or aligns with the version of me that is happiest.

Before I was insanely independent. Now I find the value in depending on others and realize it had to do with me holding on to negative emotions from pat experiences.

Before I would blame myself for relationships not working, or if someone did anything wrong to me, and saw it as a reflection of myself. Now I see it as a reflection of where the person is.

Before I was very emotionally codependent, now I just love myself too much.

Before I would let people take advantage of me, now I have really serious boundaries.

Before I wanted to be loved and gave so much love to everyone for that reason, without realizing that was the actual reason. Now I realize you can be compassionate, and kind etc, but people need to earn certain things in your life.

Before I tried to save people, now I realize I can only be an example and hope to positively influence them.

Before I was more set in my ways, now I am a lot more open to others.

Before I did not want to prioritize myself because I simply didn't see the value. Now i realize it was what was missing to move me forward.

Before I didn't want to make things about me because I saw so many things wrong with it. But now I see it as I was hiding and finding excuses to not confront my own insecurities.

Before I put people first, because that is what I was taught in life and ended up abandoning myself. Now I recognize that and put myself first.

Before I would compete with men about work and money. I could only talk about that. Now I realize there is no competition I am already better lol so we have normal conversations about anything else. I don't prove or validate myself. As a result I get a ton of help and support from men and has also made my life so much easier.

Before, I watered myself down for people because I was taught that growing up. Now I realize that those were the wrong people.

Before I was taught to tolerate and now I realize that it was from never having anyone on my side as a child and was told to suck it up.

I realized that I had an issue expressing my emotions, not because of the bad things people did to me singularly but also because my feelings were invalidated.

Before I did not value education, now I strongly value knowledge.

Before there were tons of things I did not like in terms of styles, colors, taste, hobbies etc. Now I love those things.

Before I thought I had to do so many things for a person to love and value me. Now I realize I am worthy of all of those things without having to do anything. And now I seriously don't do anything lol and get treated like a princess baby at all times.

I can keep going lmao but I just want to point out that I have been working on myself for a while... years. And intensely focused on shadow work and journaling for about a year. Theres a lot more I can write but some of it is very personal so I would like to keep that to myself <3

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sadiegirl2021 · 14 days

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I think the main purpose of Azriel x Elain and the bonus chapter was to show us how they unknowingly helped each other and set up their future books.

Elain said she didn't want male, but quite clearly would have slept with Azriel in the bonus chapter. I'm think Azriel fucked his chances when he said "this was a mistake" rather than literally anything else, because Elain obviously took it as a rejection and closed the door on that relationship by returning the necklace. But now she is in fact open to a relationship with a male, which is a huge step for her. Lucien has a chance, but let's see if he's the first. My crack theory is Elthazar happening before Elucien. Balthazar is basically an Illyrian Lucien. He fights with his words and is against unnecessary violence, plus he saved Nesta so there's his in with Elain. Its a perfect spanner because if Azriel's getting his own book/mate, then there needs to be a new obstacle for Elucien. Also, imagine the chaos if SjM made this happen and sparked a new ship war before the last book! The carnage.

For Azriel, he needed to go after Elain to show that what he felt for Mor wasn't actually love. It was infatuation and he was so easily able to switch it to Elain. He's chasing a mating bond because not having one confirms he's unworthy, and what happened in his childhood was his fault. So much trauma. He needs to meet someone who understands his pain, who feels unworthy too, so they can help fill the broken pieces of each other. Its codependent but most relationships are in romance books! So then, how fun for the second part of the bonus chapter to put his mate right in front of him, but he's too traumatised to see it. Gwyn wasn't given such a fleshed out, tragic back story to be shoved aside. And the spark in Azriel's chest was unnecessary if they aren't in fact mates. In HOFAS, Azriel states he has no mate and no partner, which works fine for Gwynriel because friendship can developed off book, but romance (in a romance series) cannot. So, time skipping forward with a recap on how "he couldn't imagine he once questioned if they were friends" is enough back story to continue forward. We'll get a friendship to lovers/healing story with the obstacle being themselves!

Well, I'll stop now! If you made it this far, then happy Friday! Hope all your dreams come true 😆

#Friday ramble #gwynriel #pro gwynriel #elucien #pro elucien #Elthazar #Crackship #pro azriel #pro elain archeron #pro lucien vanserra #pro gwyneth berdara #anti elriel #anti e/riel

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vizthedatum · 4 months

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I don’t think using the term “narcissistic abuse” is ableist.

(addendum: if you are triggered by the usage of the term, please enforce a boundary for yourself to ignore posts like these (just like how I ignore posts that trigger me). I am not wishing harm on anyone. I am working on healing, moving on, and also forgiving people - but it does not change what happened.) Ableism is the blatant discrimination of those with disabilities - calling the abuse cycle by its term (there is no other term that accurately describes what I went through) is not ableist. Just like calling me autistic is not ableist. Just like calling out my previous codependency and people-pleasing that caused me to chronically lie to people is not ableist. The term is DESCRIPTIVE and it is indicative of a real thing that happens.

I know other people think that it is ableist.

I know people won’t believe me when I say it saved my life.

You know how no matter what you do or say, someone will find issue with it? Doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, the amount of medical validation you have received, the things you have witnessed, the insistence that I am not proposing harm to anyone (I am insisting on accountability though!), etc.

There are people who will not believe you or take it personally.

The lesson I have learned: I need to trust myself with the information I have right now. I can continue to learn more about people and the world, but I am not responsible for people thinking that my usage of a term is vilifying a whole community. I have faced this my entire life (telling white people about white supremacy and appropriation and then having them accuse me of vilifying all white people; countless other black-and-white examples).

So whatever.

Call me a monster.

After all my abuser probably calls me one.

#healing #trauma #neurodivergence #queer #cw narcissism #narcissism #narcissistic abuse #what I went through was real #I guess I’m a monster now #I don’t think it’s ableist for real #I’m autistic #I have adhd #I have been emotionally and/or physically abused my whole life #I thought my ex-spouse loved me #but they were emotionally abusing and playing me the entire time without getting help

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alicentsgf · 1 year

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the bond between rhaenyra and alicent is crazy. by the point the dinner happens and viserys dies theyve been enemies longer than theyd been friends. everyone has perfectly good reasons to think they would no longer care about each other. otto is the only one truly paying attention, and therefore he kinda knows. hell, even alicent and rhaenyra seem to be taken aback by each other at times. the years they spent living at the keep together must have been insane

this is the thing though (and i've said this before and i'll say it again!) - we're given plenty of evidence to suggest rhaenyra and alicent were so built into each others lives prior to alicent marrying viserys that they were basically one entity. alicent was rhaenyra's childhood companion they were always together, like to the point of unhealthy codependency lmao, thats just the nature of it; it was just them, no other playmates or classmates or friends. just them. together. always. likely from a very young age. and we know they were at least some form of in love with each other, i think thats been confirmed enough at this point for me to say that without needing to argue my point.

and then they get torn apart and maybe dont say one genuinely kind thing to each other for years. but the issue is they only hated each other so much because they loved each other so much first. every unkind act is based in 'i loved you and you betrayed me', 'i loved you and you hurt me', 'i still love you and apparently it doesnt matter' and they can never really hope to reconcile the amount they loved and depended on each other because they never get any closure for it so they just keep loving each other underneath it all and using that pain to foster their resentment of each other. their shared past is just a gaping bloody wound and its never going to heal.

and you're right its not actually that surprising that so few people see the truth of it because rhaenyra and alicents past is only kept alive in them and openly disparage each other for decades and they never speak about their past to anyone (that we see). as ive pointed out previously daemon and criston are their respective confidantes and theres no way they would feel comfortable sharing any of the lingering positive feelings they have for one another with either of them.

and sorry for the tangent but just linking back to my earlier posts today: i do still think the evolution of their relationship was a bit rushed/whiplash inducing (as quite a few elements were, that was the sacrifice made to keep the pace up). they came back too easily from the brink in a way that seemed overly narratively advantageous to rhaenyra - but regardless their story still holds up in a way i cant help but find ridiculously compelling. i still think making this change was a great way to critique the nature of the source material because now you have these two women at the centre of this story who are unquestionably victims and had so little choice and i know some people dont like that because its uncomfortable or w/e and certainly the execution leaves a bit to be desired but to me it just seems unrealistic for them to be anything else? look at the world they live in. the reality they face. we see time and time again in our own world women strive to collaborate and build bridges and men tear them down and pit women against each other and i dont think its reductive or psuedo-feminist to make that phenomenon a central aspect of this story when its set in such a heavily patriarchal world.

#sorry i just ...took this and ran with it #lots of feelings today #rhaenicent #alicent hightower #rhaenyra targaryen #hotd critical #ask #anon

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macaroni-rascal · 3 months

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You know how I said that man would inevitably disappoint me? Well holy fucking shit if this isn't the only time he's ever delivered, and in the worst possible way. There won't be any CanNats fashion takes from me if he dares show his face there because I don't intend on watching. His blatant disregard for every human being he's ever come across is downright psychopathic and it's been filling me with rage for days. I can't imagine what that poor woman has gone through, carrying the trauma all these years, while watching him soar in his career and get praise, support and love from the blissfully unaware. I'm so sorry she went through that and I'm happy for her that she felt healed enough to expose him.

That said, Skate Canada wouldn't be Skate Canada if it did anything right. It's failed test after test, each of increasing difficulty, each time hiding behind a "due process" that is conveniently designed to fail survivors. But the sheer spinelessness it's been displaying in this case is such a low point, it's limbo dancing in hell. What baffles me is that it isn't even trying to cover its own ass, and I don't even know if it comes from hubris or sheer ineptitude and passivity. Even if it has no procedural recourse, the fact that no one, especially IAM, has had the cojones to go up to this fool and tell him in no uncertain terms that he won't be going anywhere next week is baffling to me. Their lack of self-preservation in this case should be studied by psychopathologists. I've felt for some time now that IAM has been losing its moral compass, but I was torn to shreds for voicing this opinion online, because this is apparently a lot of skating fans' emotional support coaching team. But they're human, and fallible, and in this case, they seem to be dying on a hill that's barely even a mound and it's bananas to witness. They so easily could've claimed an injury, announced a retirement and bounced, but they went to the GPF regardless, and their coaches at the very least went along with it, despite the fact that they were simultaneously screwing over another one of their teams in the process, in this case AlliSaul. I've long advocated against the disease that is skatingitis, which is the condition of not being able to see anything outside of skating, with the most severe case ever being Aljona. But how does this level of loss of perspective even happen? How far does one's head need to be up one's ass not to be able to read the fucking room to this extent? Are they truly that arrogant to think they can just show up at Nationals like it's nbd? At the very least, the other competitors don't deserve this shit to cast a pall over their event, which for many will be the last of the season.

I also can't help but think about how he inserted himself into Lolo's life, pursued her relentlessly despite her having a bf at the time, and he's now passed like a tornado through it, probably leaving her wondering what the hell it was all for. And the callous way he's treated her over the years, even calling her "a nobody" in the retelling of the tale of their tryout and decision to skate together, as if he is in any position to look down upon her. He had the right idea that time when he stabbed himself with a knife he himself had forged. How poetic, he should turn it into a hobby.

They weren't kissy at the GPF but she still made the decision to attend this event with him and pretend everything was hunky-dory, nothing to see here, business as usual. I understand wanting one last hurrah, but if this is a case of a trauma bond or codependency or whatever, why is nobody on her team looking out for her well-being? Why is nobody putting a foot down? What on earth do they think is going to happen? He's basically comicbook villain levels of vile. And to also think of all the collateral damage he's caused in the form of talented skaters quitting because he showed up to skate for Canada and they felt like there was no room for them to move up? Hell, Caro and Shane switched fucking countries at great personal expense and by all accounts Skate Canada made them pass through the Devil's Anus to do it, and now to watch it cower and dodge responsibility when it comes to something so fucking major? Seriously, when will there be a reckoning for Skate Canada? It's been losing the plot for a long ass time, doing clown shit even in a court of fucking law (thank god for that judge, though). What needs to happen? Does Sheldon Kennedy need to roll up there and bitch-slap some sense into them? What is the hold this raggedy-ass, good-for-nothing, held-togehter-with-paperclips, manbun-for-personality violent rapist have over them? He's done. Why go down with the ship? It's all disgusting and infuriating and disappointing and scary. All of these people have the integrity of an H&M t-shirt that falls apart after a single wash as far as I'm concerned. But I know nothing will change unless we hit them where it hurts, which is why I'll be contacting their sponsors, and I urge others to do so as well, because skating has been an amoral system for far too long and the victims are too many at this point, and clearly nobody cares about them. Something's gotta give. Anyway, I wish Marjo and Zak a very 4CC medal and Corpse Bride a good time at Worlds, amen amen amen.

Posted without comment because I have nothing to add, you've said it all.

#its all so fuckign sickening #konner talks skating

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starryevermore · 1 year

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do not chastise the dove (18) ✧ steven grant, marc spector, jake lockley

do not chastise the dove ✧ a royal moon knight au | ao3 | pinterest board

pairing: knight!steven grant x fem!princess!reader x knight!marc spector x knight!jake lockley

series summary: you were a princess who would rather be anything but a royal; he was the knight her father forced her to marry—a true match made in hell if there ever was one. but, as the wedding inches closer and closer, it seems that, perhaps, your father had finally done something right by you.

chapter summary: you begin your work.

word count: 2,926

warnings?: a shorter chapter, brief panic attack, honestly not a very good chapter but sets up for the last leg of the series, pet name (dove), not proofread

The press had a field day when they found out that you were going to Summer Twilights with Jake. It was almost as big of a deal as when they found out the two of you had foregone an official driver and that Jake had driven you himself. Jake ranted for at least an hour when he saw the headlines. (“It’s just ridiculous, dove! They might as well have reported that you sneezed and threw a tissue away! How can this seriously be considered news?”) You, however, were not surprised. Even in this day and age, open discussions about mental health were always…well, not welcomed at large. That’s not to say it didn’t bother you. Of course it did. In your opinion, the media should be focused on the transfer of power, on the well-anticipated trials for Harrow and Benjamin. But, of course, it was often the sillier things that received the most attention.

Still, you were not going to let the attention stop you from continuing to go to Summer Twilights with Jake. It did, however, mean that Layla attended with you to protect you from any potential threats, and that you had to start taking an official driver again. You hated it, but there were some battles you chose to lose if only to maintain your sanity. At least you still got to go. At least that wasn’t being taken away from you. So, you grit your teeth and powered forward. Everything would work out in the end.

You sat between William and Dirk in the circle. Emil had said that it was good to not always sit by Jake. Healing was a journey, and it was a journey you should take with the others. There is much to be learned from others who are struggling, too. That way, you don’t become codependent on others. You understood Emil’s point, but you did miss sitting beside your fiancé. Still, you focused on listening to the others share and be vulnerable with each other.

Being there made you feel better. Even though you didn’t share this time, it made you feel like things were going to be fine. Perhaps it was because of the vulnerability of it all. For the last several years, you had so few outlets to express yourself without fear of being punished for it. A life like that had left you with a fair amount of baggage. It was…a relief to be able to finally unpack it all. To be able to sort through it all, to acknowledge the pain it caused you, to just talk about things you were taught to keep hidden—it was everything you could have ever wanted. You could only hope that everyone would have an opportunity, have an outlet, like this.

Or…could you do something more?

When the meeting ended, you found yourself still glued to your seat. The idea, it had been something you had been considering ever since the idea of becoming Queen became closer to being a reality. After Jake brought you to Summer Twilights, it became a little firmer in its foundation. Now…It felt like it might actually be something you could bring into fruition.

“Is everything okay, dove? Do you need something?”

You looked up, jumping slightly as you realized Jake was kneeled in front of you, concern etched clearly on his face. “Sorry, was just lost in thought,” you said. Still, you couldn’t find it in you to get up.

“Good thoughts, or bad thoughts?” Jake asked.

“Complicated thoughts?” you said. “It could go either way, I think.”

Your attention was drawn away from Jake as you heard Emil’s footsteps head your way. You looked at him as he approached you. He stopped a few feet in front of you and waved his hand, motioning at one of the chairs beside you. “Is it alright if I sit with you?” he asked.

You nodded and watched as he took the chair, moving it so that he would be sitting across from you. Jake followed his lead, taking a chair on the other side of you and moving it to form a mini three-person circle.

“You look troubled,” Emil said. “Is it something you want to talk about?”

“I really enjoy coming here,” you started.

Emil smiled slightly. “I’m glad. I, and everyone here, like having you here. But I don’t imagine you look so troubled just for coming here.”

“It’s been so long since I had a place where I could talk about my feelings without being chastised for it,” you said. “I appreciate that I have this place to go, but I can’t stop myself from thinking about how not everyone has a place like this. I…As Queen, I have the opportunity to be the patron of organizations of my choice. I can give them funding, and amplify their ideals. I don’t…I don’t mean to impede on any plans you have for Summer Twilights, so I’ve been struggling to figure out how to ask this but…Would you like my patronage? So that you might be able to expand and bring in people who need a safe space like this?”

Emil’s jaw dropped for a moment before he started to compose himself. “What?”

“After everything I’ve been through, I’ve realized how little I had in terms of support. And now that I have it, I can’t believe I made it this far with next to nothing. I don’t want other people to have to experience that struggle. Being able to come here has been incredible, and I would like for these sorts of doors to be more open to the rest of the kingdom.” You paused. “If I’m overstepping, please let me know. I don’t want to step on any toes here, not when you’ve provided a space for me to come and speak without fear.”

“I know you don’t care for the formalities,” Emil said, “but, Your Majesty, it would be an honor to have your patronage.”

You let out a breath. “Really?”

“Being able to expand, being able to help more people, is all I ever could have wanted,” Emil said. “I thought it might have been a far-fetched dream, something that would take years to come to fruition if it ever did. Your support…It would mean everything to me. I think it would mean everything to everyone here.”

A smile started to stretch across your face. “Oh, I’m so excited! I…will try to hire a secretary as soon as possible, and reach out about more of the official things this will mean. Thank you, Emil. Thank you.”

You stood up, and Jake and Emil followed. You reached out, shaking Emil’s hand, before bidding farewell. Together, you and him walked across the room to where Layla stood, Jake’s hand resting on the small of your back.

“You’re incredible, dove,” Jake said.

“What did she do now?” Layla asked with a smile.

“She’s changing the world, that’s what’s she’s doing,” Jake said.

“Oh, stop it!” you said.

Jake shook his head, giving you a smile. He pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “I’ll never stop telling you how amazing you are, dove. Get used to it.”

“How is it finally being Queen?” Jake asked, kicking off his shoes as the two of you settled in your bedroom. After some reshuffling in the palace, you and Jake had finally been moved to the north wing. Your room now had a beautiful view of the gardens below. Sometimes, before you had to leave to attend to your duties, you found yourself standing in front of the window, watching the wind whip through the grounds, the plants bending to its will. “You haven’t spoke much about how everything has been affecting you.”

Jake came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. You leaned into his touch, eyes fluttering shut. “It’s more than I thought. I knew that I would have many responsibilities, but I didn’t realize the full extent of it all. I’m still trying to get my head on straight, just trying to take it one day at a time.”

Jake hummed. He leaned, pressed a kiss to the back of your neck. “Want to rant about it?”

“No, no, that’s alright,” you said. You pulled away slightly, turning around so that you could face Jake. You couldn’t help the smile that started to curl across your face as you looked at him. God, how could you ever be so lucky? You reached up, caressing his face. His eyes fluttered shut. “I would rather talk about you, my love. How are you doing? I know none of this was what you signed up for. I know the attention has been…less than ideal.”

“Dove, you know that I don’t mind. None of us do,” Jake said.

“Not even when the press villainizes all of you?” you asked.

He paused, looking almost like he had been struck in the face. Your heart clenched at the look on his face. You didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. But, you felt like this was something that needed to be discussed. You didn’t want feelings to fester, to burrow deep inside, until it one day blew up in both your faces.

“It…does hurt,” Jake finally said. He shut his eyes, nuzzling his face into your hand. “I know their opinions don’t matter, that they’re only providing stories that provide attention, but it makes me feel like we could never be good enough for you.”

You dropped your hand so that you could hold both of Jake’s and gently tugged him toward the bed. You sat on the mattress, propping yourself up against the mountain of pillows. Jake laid on top of you, his head resting on your chest. Combing your fingers through his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, you urged him to continue.

“I want to say something, to make them see why you care for us just as much as we care for you,” he said, his voice slightly muffled against your shirt. “But I worry that we would say the wrong things, that it would become much worse. That they would find more reason to hate us for being with you.”

“I’ve wanted to do the same,” you admitted. “I don’t care when the press speaks badly of me. I’ve seen the highs and lows of it all for my entire life. I know you all haven’t had that same experience, and I want so badly to defend you from it all. But I also know that speaking out often gives them more ammunition. We would have to be so, so careful about what we said, because the media loves to pick up a word or two and twist them so far out of context that our intentions are lost. And yet…silence is just as bad. Soon, I worry the media will begin to berate us for never saying anything, for letting them continue this abhorrent behavior.”

Jake let out a sigh, burrowing his head further in your chest. The two of you stayed like that a long time, him cuddled up to you, you running your fingers through his hair. A word was not shared for a long few minutes. Neither of you really had anything else to add. You pressed a kiss to the top of Jake’s head.

“I…I think if we did speak out, I think we should give the one interview. Have it be pre-recorded, nothing live. I think Karen would be our best bet,” you said.

“Mm, that wouldn’t be the worst,” Jake mumbled.

“Let’s give it a few days thought, okay? We don’t need to rush into anything. We shouldn’t rush into anything,” you said.

“Okay,” Jake said.

Thump… Thump… Thump…

You clenched and unclenched your fists as the driver navigated the crowd that had gathered. This was going to be fine. It had to be fine. In front of you, Yelena shifted in her seat, her clothes squeaking against the leather. You looked up at her. She was already looking at you. She watched you the same way a child watches the fishes at an aquarium.

“Is everything alright, Yelena?” you asked, your voice tight. You were half-convinced your vocal cords would snap soon.

“I think I should be asking you that, no?” she said. She tilted her head, looking you up and down. “I haven’t ever seen you quite like this.”

You swallowed hard. You glanced at Layla, who was seated beside Yelena, watching you. “I think we jumped the gun on this.”

“Do you want to cancel?” Layla asked. “We still have time. You just have to give the word.”

“Her public image is fragile right now. Cancelling will not do her any favors,” Yelena said. “She may have the public opinion in her favor for now, but it won’t take much for it to sway the other way. We have to treat every situation with precaution.”

“Yelena’s right. We have to go on,” you said.

It was your first public outing without your fiancés by your side since you had become Queen. The two of you had agreed that you needed to do some things on your own, show your independence. Besides, if they came, the media would focus more on them than what you had to say. And this event…Well, you would say it was one of your most important ones. Every King or Queen offered their patronage to causes that mattered to them, and those causes would be announced at the start of their reign. Today, you would announce yours. The last thing you wanted was for those important causes to be overshadowed.

But you couldn’t ignore the way your heart was racing in your chest.

Thump.. Thump. Thump.

Thump.Thump!Thump!

Thmp!Thmp!Thmp!

“Dove…Are you okay?” Layla asked.

You tried to speak, but your words caught in your throat, a strangled gasp escaping your lips. Your hand flew up to cover your mouth, tears stinging in your eyes. Fuck, why was it so hard to breathe? It felt like you were breathing in through a straw. Every breath you took, it felt like your throat was constricting more and more.

Layla moved to sit beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. She held you tight, squeezing, shushing you as you grew more and more panicked. “You’re okay, dove. Don’t worry about saying anything, okay? Just focus on your breathing. Okay? In, hold, out. In, hold, out. That’s good, dove. Keep that up, okay?” she said, rubbing your arm up and down.

“I’m sorry,” you managed to say as your breathing steadied.

“Don’t apologize, dove. There’s a lot going on. Anyone else would have snapped a lot sooner,” she said. “You’re impossibly strong, dove. But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel the weight of it all.”

“I’m sorry,” you repeated. Your heart started to steady back into its regular rhythm. A wave of guilt washed over you, fresh tears pricking in your eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought I would be able to hold it together.”

“Y/N, if there’s anyone who’s allowed to lose it, it’s you,” Yelena said. She leaned over, placing a hand on your knee. “Losing it doesn’t mean you’re weak. Alright? Look at how far you’ve come. You needed a moment like this. You cannot bottle up your feelings. You have to let it all out.”

You mulled over her words, then nodded. “I suppose you’re right.” The car lurched to a stop, and your attention was drawn back to the crowd gathered outside. You swallowed hard, looking back at Layla. “Do you think I can do this?”

She squeezed your hand. “I know you can.”

You took a deep breath. “Then let’s do this.”

Layla gave you a smile as the car door opened. She stepped out first, clearing the way for you. You took another breath before sliding out of the car, painting on an almost perfect smile. You waved at the hoards of people, pausing to answer a few questions as you walked up to the building. Yelena and Layla walked on either side of you. You were grateful to have them by your side. You still worried you might find a way to embarrass yourself.

And yet, you got to the building without a hitch. You were ushered behind the stage that was set up, conferring with one of the event coordinators. In the main room, you could hear the people talking amongst themselves. You swallowed hard, thinking about the speech you were to give, thinking of the dinner that would follow, thinking of how you wished that your fiancés were with you. But you set those worries aside.

You had a job to do.

The event coordinator went on before you, announcing you to the crowd. A hush fell over them. You stepped onto the stage. Your heels clicked as you walked. Click. Click. Click. You made it to the podium. Your hands gripped the sides. You smiled to the crowd. You took a deep breath. You began—

“I am proud to announce my patronages for the duration of my reign.,” you said, hands clutching the edge of the podium. “These causes are near and dear to my heart, and it only makes sense for me to use the resources at my disposal to support them. Starting today, I will support education, art, animal shelters, and, perhaps the most important of them all: mental health services.”

And all was well.

#do not chastise the dove: a royal moon knight au #steven grant imagine #steven grant x reader #steven grant x fem!reader #steven grant x female reader #marc spector imagine #marc spector x reader #marc spector x fem!reader #marc spector x female reader #jake lockley imagine #jake lockley x reader #jake lockley x fem!reader #jake lockley x female reader #starrywrites #starryevermore

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imagineitdearies-old · 1 year

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I loved this update. Can finally see it all coming together for them 😭

I love Alicent/aemonds relationship but their codependency is not always healthy. So I’m glad you addresses that.

When rhaenyra immediately stopped raising her voice and went to soothe Alicent when Alicent took the blame 😭.

I need to know how their conversation went so bad.

Do you think in this au with her heirs secure and mated rhaenyra will have to/be pressure to marry again in this au.

I love Helaena in this she’s just chilling trying to steer her family right and constantly rolling her eyes and being exacerbated by them 😂.

Great update ❤️

Yayyy I'm glad it feels hopeful again! The big misunderstandings are over, I swear on my life loool. And part of healing definitely needed to be Aemond recognizing the unhealthy aspects of his relationship with Alicent! And agreed Helaena is Queen even if in this au it's in vibes only loooool.

Haha Rhaenyra has her priorities and they're not fussing over her overreactive younger brother married to bestest bby boy in the world mkay 😂😂 no but in seriousness now that she has a better idea of WHAT Alicent's fears are she feels a lot more responsible to assuage them. Obviously her father's sins aren't her own, but Rhaenyra wants to help undo as much damage as she can, simply because she loves her friend. As for whether she'll have pressure to marry again, that might be a fun little one-shot chapter for my Rhaenicent scenes that I post one day! Thank you for the ask anon 💙💙

But speaking of, since you wanted to know so bad I'll finish by sharing a little clip of the "post Aemond-Rhaenyra confrontation" scene after Rhaenyra runs after Alicent! Teaser warning lol!!

Now, after Alicent stoked the coals, Rhaenyra couldn’t help but ask, “Is it all true, then?”

Alicent looked down as she dusted off her hands, mouth tightening into a thin line. “Is what true, your grace?”

Rhaenyra didn’t answer right away. She waited for Alicent to pour from the water pitcher into the kettle over the livening flames, then replace its stopper. Not until the omega looked around them, at a loss without something to do, did she take pity on her. “He never let you deny him,” Rhaenyra answered.

The pinched, stressed lines on Alicent’s face wavered—then collapsed. Her chin quivered as she stared at the pitcher in front of her and whispered, “No–no, he would. At, at times the king—if I truly made it known, then he waited…”

“Until what? You were sleeping? in heat? Too worn down to refuse?” Rhaenyra demanded, watching as the omega grew flushed, tears building up in her eyes. “Do not mince words, my lady. If my father was a monster I would hear it.”

Alicent shook her head as if the idea offended her. “I may appear to have been the perfect, obedient spouse, my queen, but even I rely on the Seven for—for mercy, in my failings. I tried to please him, but at times—”

“His cruelty was not your failing!” Rhaenyra growled, taking a few steps forward.

Alicent shrunk back, the tears spilling down her cheeks. “I could not be like your mother, my queen,” she said around hitched breaths. “He never did more than ask with her, usually never needed to till the end, but I…”

The older Rhaenyra grew, the more she understood how young her mother had been when first married to Viserys. And now her stomach near revolted at confronting how unlikely Aemma had enjoyed a happy marriage with the king like Rhaenyra had perceived.

“If you are expecting perfection from me, eventually I will disappoint you as well,” Alicent continued, voice steadier but more hollow now. “And neither is Aemond perfect—whatever he does, you must understand, Viserys was too busy and then too sick to truly teach him—and I could not, I failed to—”

“I expect nothing,” Rhaenyra interrupted, only realizing now that tears had begun to build in her own eyes as she blinked around them. “I…I knew I was not my father’s daughter, but…” Her mind flashed to Alicent, so stiff and so silent after the wedding. For months, Rhaenyra saw the changed behavior as further betrayal. Now she could only imagine the horrors the young omega had lived through. “I saw how you changed,” she admitted to herself more than the other woman. “And I told myself you just had no interest in being anything but a queen anymore. I had never imagined—there was no sign—”

“We both had to grow up, Rhaenyra,” Alicent sent her a wavering smile, and Rhaenyra had never so badly wanted to hold her than now. “Learn our places in this world.”

Rhaenyra shook her head and reached out. She released a shaky breath when Alicent reached back, allowing the alpha to cradle her hand between both of hers. “Your place was never at his side,” she swore.

#fic: duty & sacrifice #duty & sacrifice spoilerzz #d&s drabbles #rhaenicent #ask me shit #thanks again anon its people like you that keep me writing!!

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tojikai · 2 years

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So firstly, LOOOOOVE PM! Thank you thank you!

Now because yah girl has way too much time on her hands, I wanna dive in with my unsolicited thoughts about each character so far:

Rie:…..this b&$ch! I think that how quickly her and Gojo got together has quickly begun to sink in following Ch 2. She has been obsessed with meeting y/n because deep in her trash heart she knows that Gojo is not over y/n at all. Gojo is comparing Rie to Y/N and this bish knows this, but refuses to acknowledge it.

She wants to secure her position and so I think thats why she is pushing to meet Y/n so hard. Rie is “nice”…but she is not kind. I think that she takes validation. She knows what Gojo was like when they were younger and she thinks she is somehow special. She wants to meet Y/N because she really DOES want to put it into Y/Ns head that Gojo has “always been hers”. She of coursed didnt plan for shit to go as wrong as they did, but Gojo’s reaction further solidifies her fears. Gojo wants Rie to be just like Y/N, and Rie is NOT. If you do a Rie POV i bet its gonna be juicy as hell cause that girl is not right at all.

Gojo:….This clown. He is extremely selfish and only cares about himself. At no point has he ever really considered ever Y/N’s feelings. In fact he only seems to care about her when it directly affects him. I think he knows deep down to that Rie will never live up to YN and he has fudged himself so now he is trying desperately to convince himself that Rie is just like YN, rather than face the truth and be accountable for his actions. Homey has ALOT of self loathing and I wouldnt be surprised if he lowkey emotionally manipulated Y/N, knowing all along how fragile she has always been. He needs to always be the hero, He is that dude that can never be wrong, its never “his fault”. There is always a justification for his actions. Homey clearly wasnt hugged enough as a child.

Y/N:…. Oh my poor dear woman. My heart cries for her severely codependent ass. She is self destruction at its finest. She wasnt ready to heal and rather than accept this, she of course tries to distract herself. This wreck wouldve happened one way or another. If gojo hadnt lost his shit she probably wouldve wrecked her car anyway. I love her empathetic ass heart so much. She truely is too good—for her own good. She needs to get in touch with and love herself. I think she is going to as well. I hope!

Once she does I think she will realize that Gojo never actually loved her to begin with. That he is too consumed with himself to feel that way for anyone.

Im guessing that if it goes this way, once she has this wake up call, when Gojo comes crawling and groveling (we ALL know he will). Because she is finally her own person, she will refuse him. He will be devastated and will NOT be able to understand or accept it but she will not relent, because she will see through the toxic haze surrounding his ass. She is classy so she will wish him well, because she has moved on and has finally learned to love herself.

I could easily be wrong and if I am it doesnt matter because whatever direction you go will be a masterpiece and I thank you again!!!!

ooohh this is an interesting take 👀 a good character analysis too !! and yeahh you're right, our girl yn here is too good for her own good 😭 I'm glad that you're enjoying pm !! thank you so much for your support !! <33

#🍭—kaitalks #f: permanent mark

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isolationstreet · 1 year

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7, 8, 44 [DnD Asks] for Arnoud 🖤🖤

Got long so I'm putting it under a read more as per usual

7. Which party member do they understand the least?

This is a tricky question becuse every member of the party is has a very diffrent personality and background and the only person Arnoud is actaully friends with anymore is our NPC cleric Bron who has temporarily left the party to work on stabilizing the weaving while we're doing our prison break/ heist mission starting next session.

I think currently the party member he understands the least is actually Theadora.

It might sound a little strange becuase she was the first party member he befriended. They both worship gods of death, frequently speak with the dead, and are very invested in the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. And they both have no issues with breaking the law or working with some bad guys to an extent if its will get them closer to their goals.

Not to mention shes mostly warlock which is what Cecily's class is.

However her willingness to repeatedly trust everyone they come across and freely hand out a great deal of sensitive information even when there's no certainty of security. It's something shes gotten better about not doing but it's far from the "trust nobody not even yourself" mentality he was trained by cecily to have.

Another big thing is how shes so often headstrong and uncompromising in being driven by her emotional beliefs and desires rather doing what she feels is most right rather than looking for trying to find the most logical path

She wears her heart on her sleeve in a way that he first found intriguing and brought them together has really pushed him away from her recently. He knows she means well but he also finds her extremly dangerous in a polar opposite way to how people find him dangerous for being closed off and calculating. That terrifies him.

(also she is a lycanthrope and he is a vampire)

8. what are three songs that suit them?

Uh I have a 21hr 26min playlist for him so it's very hard to just pick three

44. what do they need to learn?

As much as it pains me to say. He could stand to not be entirely codependent with Cecily.

It's very good that they're in a place that they mutually love and trust each other but they really have built their lives entirely around the other over the past 23 years and have no idea how to be their own person anymore and they both kinda know that which is one of the many reasons she left him for the time being while she takes the time to unpack some of her trauma on her own with the mutual desire to get back together after they learn how to be their own people.

He's not handling the separation great right now but things take time to heal and I'm rooting for them

#also if Becca reads this just know i very much like theadora its just they're both kinda fucked up right now #his relationship with cecily and hers with dark thea are both very messy #and theyve been going through a LOT recently #thank you for asking Ellie 🥺#oc tag #arnoud darkwell #cecily deveroux #theadora sophia anastasia bellisarius constantinus

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alyjojo · 2 years

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Advice to Work on Yourself 📸 in June 2022: Gemini

The Star - Knight of Cups & King of Cups - Page of Wands

Regarding: The Hanged Man

Interesting energy here. The Roadrunner came out to remind you to not take things so seriously, and to remind me to not interpret it as such either. There is a grave need to lighten up, and face a certain situation with a bit of humility in order to heal from it. Cindy points out whatever you’re judging someone for, you may have done exactly the same thing, in which case sometimes our judgements in others are what we don’t like about ourselves, and that’s what needs to be faced in yourself. To heal, so you can move on, because The Hanged Man has you completely suspended.

What clarity are you hoping to gain? You’re afraid to take charge of a situation due to feelings of abandonment, codependency, disappointment or sadness. Someone else may currently or may have felt that way about you, because this seems to be a relationship that’s caused all of these feelings in you. You may not have stood up for yourself or taken appropriate actions out of fear of being alone and unable to manage life on your own. There may have been issues with a father that caused these feelings, for some of you, or a job/someone at work for others. There is a twisted sense of guilt involved in whatever this relationship was, and it has ended, it’s healing from that situation Spirit is advising. You have to, for your own happiness.

For those in relationships, you could be torn between reviving a connection with an ex (could be a Scorpio), or continuing on with a more desire driven King of Wands that is mostly a lust driven connection it looks like, but you’re worried to death to move away from them in case this doesn’t work out. There is no love tied to them, only passion, that’s important. This King of Cups is someone you’ve known for a very long time, and one of you is taking romantic action towards the other. There is a deep love between you, they may have gotten out of something recently and they want you back. You’re acting like you don’t know what you want, but you do, it’s them. Your issue may simply be pride, you don’t want to be known as “that person”, but also, you can’t help how you feel. In someone’s case, you may have needlessly worried about someone leaving on some desire driven adventure and really, they want YOU. Spirit is saying quit worrying and fretting because you already know what you want. So go get it 💙 And lighten up a little 😉

Animal Oracle: Roadrunner 🏜

“Keep your sense of humor, and don’t take things so seriously.”

It’s so tempting to view life in all of its many manifestations, permutations, and variations as as something to be taken quite seriously, yet this is the exact opposite of what you need to do right now. No matter what the situation, look for the humor in it. It may take time to find something, but if you look for it with this attitude in mind, you begin to see the absurdities and ironies inherent in whatever shows up in life, even in the seemingly darkest circumstances. Maintaining a healthy sense of humor about most experiences causes you to be lighter in spirit, to smile unabashedly, and to appreciate life that much more. Turn your frown upside and do what makes you laugh! Of course there are times that require a more serious demeanor. Tragedies or traumatic situations don’t call for cheerfulness or humor. However, these instances are temporary and like all things, will soon pass. Other than these kinds of situations, life’s oddities and absurdities abound. See the humor in the situation, and have a good laugh!

Artist Oracle: CINDY SHERMAN

- Don’t be yourself. Be yourselves.

- Tell the truth in every fiction.

- Take a good long look in someone else’s mirror.

Advice:

- Spend Your Money Wisely

- Share A Cultural Film Adventure

Charms:

Red Moon 🌙 on The Emperor shows either a person that you fear because they act in fearful/intimidating/controlling ways, being The Emperor here, or it’s taking control and living your life how you see fit that’s got you tied up with fear & worry. Could be a father/boss or involving one. This fear is the biggest thing that needs releasing.

Bells 🔔 on Judgement can be two things. The first is the Universe calling you to wake up and take action, make your decision, the time has come. Bells can symbolize angels & Spirit itself. This particular charm looks like wedding bells, which can show if you make up with this King of Cups, that you love, it’s for the long term and you have nothing to worry about. You may marry this person eventually.

Fleur de Lis ⚜️ on Roadrunner is strange, unless you’re really into royalty. If you’re someone that obsesses over The Crown and shows like that, this could just be pointing you out specifically. This talks about a lightened sense of humor, and this charm is all about tact, dignified behavior, acting above others. If you’re someone that acts above others, condescending or kinda snooty, maybe knock it off and bring yourself down to earth with Cindy, that’s for someone. We are all the same. Unless you’re actual royalty. Have a laugh about it 😁

#gemini tarot reading #advice to work on yourself #advice #Gemini #tarot #june 2022

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whatifscc · 2 years

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They don’t respect you but you claim they still feel like “your person”.

why is that.

did you grow up being regularly disrespected?

is that why their behavior easily became acceptable to you?

do you have a saviors complex that causes you to make excuses for one’s bad behavior…

because acknowledging it would take you away from your main objective and goal which is to “help” them however you see fit.

do you view them as this troubled soul who is completely unaware of what they are doing or the gravity of the pain they are causing, at all times?

what ARE they doing when they are NOT disrespecting you?

what are they doing that makes you want to forget about the blatant disrespect?

that’s the real question.

what role do they play in your life?

what do they do for you.

do you really love them or are you filling a void? :)

are you lonely or do you feel as if they are the only one that truly gets you and understands you which also contributes to how forgiving you are towards them because you can’t envision a life without them?

this seems to be a big reason we stay in abusive dynamics

it would be beneficial for you to de-center this person from your life.

the more you branch out & meet people who treat you & love you in ways you’ve rarely experienced before, the easier it is to see them for who they really are.

this isn’t to villainize them at all, i’m sure they have shit they need to work thru & if you haven’t guessed already, you are not gonna be the one to change or heal them.

you may have made some progress w/ them but you won’t & can’t change a whole person.

nor should you want to.

you have your own life to live right now & your own improvements to make. your relationship at its core, sounds extremely codependent in the most toxic of ways.

de-center them from your life.

meaning find new ways to spend your time & socialize with other people.

make efforts to make friends & join communities outside of them. because these dynamics will drain you very quickly if you are not careful. when they are the only thing you’re looking forward to each day, it can get problematic quickly.

:)) 🫶

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isekaisyouwithmyforearmlaser · 2 years

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everyone i know feels like an aqquaintance and not anybody of severe importance. i feel very disconnected from everyone and i think its almost for the better as its either this or im extremely codependent. maybe its best that im by myself if i cannot be anything but overbearing borderline detrimental to others. im not tryign to say this from a ooohhh poor me stand point because i dont think that. objectively if im this negative and in this negative of a place it doesnt make sense to displace that negativity onto others as that isnt going to help. and these issues i have are ""too much"" to just simply talk to my family or my friends about because everytime i try to i get a door slammed in my face or a big ignore (which tbh is all fair like. how do you respond to this. you cant. this is nonsensical). and its not like every now and again i get a little sad :(. its a constant thing i wake up feeling. and im not myself on meds im just the snipped out little pieces people like and find bearable. maybe i dont want to be bearable or palatable if it means i just go numb. i cant bear the fact not even my own mother cares or my own father cares unless im pliable and medicated. and people who think they care who say they are your friends are so quick to turn, and i cant hold them accountable because they arent my blood. they ask me to be more open and so i am and then im just a burden. but it doesnt matter because i dont hold anyone accountable, even if sometimes its overkill, because when i try to get help it all comes back and punches me in the face. i need to go inward to heal rather than let it out on everyone around me. all my friends treat me like im a time bomb that will kill itself at one wrong word so theyre too scared to say anything to me. im too busy trying to help my mother and my whole family work through ttheir trauma to even think about asking them for help, and god knows they cant help me theyre all so fucked i mean theyre the source. the only time i told anyone i straight up wanted to kill myself she just ignored me but kissed my one my head later and i think that made so much more sense. you cant say anything but she was the only person i knew who genuinely cared and that scared me so much because i knew she wouldnt love me the same way i loved her and so i left. and that was the only ounce of comfort ive found in my life. im being so genuine. i dont care about anyone currently and i cant bring myself to anymore. vincent van gogh was so right. there is no end to human suffering . anyways wheni ge tinto the beta for ovw 2 i will be like wow!!!! winton!!!

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yandere-daydreams · 3 years

Text

Title: Karma.

Pairing: Yandere!Xiao/Reader (Genshin Impact).

Word Count: 2.1k.

TW: Imprisonment, Mentions of Kidnapping, Codependence, Possessive Mindsets, Non-Consensual Touching, Physical Abuse, Slight Victim-Blaming.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Xiao knew that this was what he deserved.

This, all of it, everything. Whatever the world had to throw at him, all the things he’d earned over centuries of bloodshed and death and guilt that grew more crippling with each passing day. He’d come to terms with that, and if he was being honest with himself, he might admit that he was growing numb to the pain, that despite his distaste, violence didn’t seem as utterly unpalatable as it used to. He wasn’t thankful for it, he didn’t want it, but he was resigned, apathetic, too used to it to care the way he used to, when fighting left him as battered as his enemies. He'd grown accustomed to it. He’d adapted.

He just wasn’t used to this. A new sort of discomfort. A different kind of pain.

He just wasn’t used to you being the source of his karmic suffering, whether or not you realized it was quite that poetic.

He’d earned it. He knew that. He’d earned every part of his current punishment – your glare, your locked jaw, the unadulterated loathing that emanated off of you in waves, unignorable from the moment he shrugged open the heavy, wooden door to his crowded room on the inn’s top floor. He’d managed to stave off the urge to use chains, ropes, anything more solid and more restraining than an idle threat and a locked door, but you were smart enough to stay balled up in the furthest corner, your knees pulled into your chest and your eyes on the floor, narrowed with an intensity he’d only ever seen in demons, moments before their deaths. It hurt him to see, the stance too defensive not to be learned, but it was better than the alternative. He’d caught you on the balcony, once or twice, leaning over the railing or admiring the view, and…

You could’ve slipped. You could’ve tried to jump. He shouldn’t have lost his temper, but you shouldn’t have been so reckless. It’d been dangerous, even you were still too naïve to see that.

Xiao grit his teeth, shaking his head as he forced himself to focus on the matter at-hand. You didn’t move as he approached, only shrinking further into yourself, becoming something small, something timid, a form of passive resistance you’ve perfected, in the weeks since you last put up a real fight. If he was feeling any less patient, he might’ve resorted to less honorable methods, throwing you over his shoulder and dragging you through his routine of self-indulgence despite your attempts to struggle against him. He’d tried it before, broken his own promises countless times, but it was almost never worth the way you’d cry afterwards, like he’d hurt you, like he’d done anything wrong. Like you could expect him to do anything less, when you were determined to be so stubborn.

So, instead, he tried talking. Talking was more peaceful. He didn’t like talking, but you did, and he was trying to be more considerate of what you liked. “I’m back.”

He waited, but there was no response. That was fine. He was fine. He couldn’t say he’d never given you a reason to ignore him. “You’re not reading,” He tried, again, fighting to keep his voice even. You tended to flinch, whenever he got too loud. “It’d be a better use of your time than sulking around, like this.”

You didn’t look at him, your voice muffled by your self-made haven. “You keep burning my books.”

Burning? That sounded like something he would do, as an act of precaution or anger or the same petty vengeance creatures so far beneath him were so prone to. It’d probably been one of the anthologies you were so fond of – folklore hiding under the guise of real history. Usually, he didn’t pay it much mind, the liberal retellings of events no living mortal could possibly be old enough to have witnessed, but he didn’t care for it when you found value in such trash. Stories about the Adepti were far too common in Liyue literature, and you’d always been the type to ask questions, to try to pry your way into subjects you could never hope to comprehend. It was better to eliminate the problem entirely. That was how he’d survived for so long, among humans -- terminating issues before they could arise.

But, you wouldn’t understand that. And even if you did, it wouldn’t do anything to heal the wound he’d already created.

He was beginning to think nothing he tried would ever be enough to mend your anger, not when you were so content to tear at the stitching yourself.

“I said I was sorry, didn’t I?” He wasn’t sure if he had, but you didn’t correct him, only squaring your shoulders, digging your nails into your legs, going even further to block him out, push him away, isolate yourself and leave him to suffer for your insubordination. Xiao rolled his eyes, scowling to himself, but whatever irritation he could summon was quickly replaced by his exhaustion, that perpetual desire to fall into your arms and have you welcome him willingly, lovingly, the way you used to before he decided he had to ruin it. He was tempted to touch you, to reach out, to cup your cheek or wrap an arm around you or draw you close by force, rather than natural attraction, but he thought better of it, crouching by your side, instead, letting his back hit the wall with a heavy thud.

When he opened his mouth, his tongue felt heavier, his throat hoarse. Like the weight of his conscious had found yet another way to make itself known. “You hate me.”

It was a fact, like the color of the sky or the scent of the air before a storm. It was true, both of you already knew that, but you were kind enough to hesitate, lifting you head just high enough to see him. For him to see you, tiny and terrified. A trembling rabbit that knew better than to hope for mercy from a hawk. “I do.”

It stung more than it had any right to. “And there’s nothing I can do make you stop hating me.”

You laughed, at that, the sound breathy and sardonic, melodic and unabashed, akin to bird songs and wind chimes and every other beautiful thing Xiao could think of, even in its most beaten down state. He wanted to kiss you, to hold you, to deafen himself because he knew nothing would ever be half as lovely as that laugh, but you were talking before he could act on the impulse. That was for the best, really. Acting on impulse was what got him into this, and he wasn’t eager to drive you away any further. “I don’t have any other choice,” You started, your tone light, your anger softened into something playful. The kind of tender rage only you were capable of. “If I could choose not to hate you, I would. You were my friend, and if I could find any way to justify your actions, you’d still be my friend. I don’t want to think of you as anything else.” You paused, letting out a deep breath, relaxing slightly. Xiao couldn’t bring himself to celebrate the small victory. “I don’t want to hate you, but I have to. You see that, right? After everything you’ve done to me, I have to hate you.”

He deserved this, and you deserved to say it. He deserved to have his heart broken, crushed and shattered in his chest, and you deserved to be the one to break it. “I don’t want you to hate me, either.” It felt more intimate than it should’ve, a confession rather than common knowledge. You might’ve teased him for it, months ago, smiled and said something about softening him up. Now, your frown only deepened. “But, I need to do this. Your safety comes first. If something ever happened to you, I’d—”

Even in his own mind, his logic faltered. ‘If something ever happened to you’, like he hadn’t already done more damage than any monster ever could. It might’ve been more redeemable if he was honest, if he admitted he was doing this for himself, because he wanted to, because just for an hour, a minute, a few key seconds, he was idiotic enough to think he deserved to have you, permanently, whether or not you wanted to have him.

But, he couldn’t say that. He didn’t know how. His mouth wouldn’t form the right words, so he was left to say the wrong ones, his tone taking a sharp turn towards hostile as he spoke. “The door isn’t locked. I’m not keeping you here. You can leave, if you’re really that miserable.”

You shifted, and Xiao’s throat went dry. He knew the answer, and yet, it still hurt to hear it in your voice, to know you were capable of inflicting such insufferable pain. “If I try to, will you let me?”

He wouldn’t. Of course he wouldn’t, he couldn’t even tell himself he’d try. He’d hunt you down to the ends of Teyvat if he had to, spend the rest of his immortality finding you and making sure you never had the chance to do something so short-sighted again. He could make the guilt more bearable, promising himself he’d take care of you, that since he couldn’t do away with the cage entirely, he’d do his best to make your prison a comfortable one, but you’d still be unhappy, you’d still hate him. He’d hate himself, too, but that might be the one aspect of your relationship he thought he could stand. If nothing else, Xiao didn’t make himself a stranger to self-loathing.

“I love you,” He mumbled, as if that counted for anything. “So much. More than you could possibly understand.”

“I know.” You were the one to bridge the gap, this time, a hesitant hand coming to rest over his. Something in his chest tightened, and for a moment, Xiao had to wonder if it was possible for a mortal to be so cruel. “But, I don’t love you. There’s nothing you can do to change that.”

You moved to pull away, fear fading into sympathetic pity, but Xiao didn’t want your pity, he didn’t want you to go back to hiding from him, trembling and screaming and treating him like some monster, a beast waiting to lash out. That’s what he was, really, but he didn’t have to admit it. He didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to let himself believe he’d fallen that far, and he didn’t want to let you treat him as if he had.

His grip was too tight, a whimper escaping your parted lips as he caught you by the wrist, but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when it was so easy to jerk you towards him, forcing you out of your pathetic, laughable shelter and into his lap, his free arm latching onto your waist before you had a chance to pull away. The remorse was reflexive, immediate and instinctual, but for the first time, he allowed himself to ignore it, to bury it underneath the pleasant warmth of your skin against his and the bliss that came with being so close to you, with burying his face in your shoulder, with indulging every necessity he’d denied himself in the name of your comfort. Your hands were already on his chest, your entire body shaking as you made a weak attempt to push him away, but Xiao was stronger than you, and he loved you so much more than you could ever hate him. This was fair. That had to be enough to make it fair.

You shifted, the air catching in your lungs, but Xiao only bared his teeth, letting pointed fangs ghost over the side of your neck before he could regret scaring you. Maybe he wanted to scare you. Maybe it’d be better, if you were scared of him. At least then, he wouldn’t have to keep playing dutiful lover.

“Don’t move,” He snarled, and instantly, you went still. He could feel your heart racing in your chest, hear the cracked sob you failed to swallow, but he wanted this, he needed this. You’d get used to it, with time. You might even begin to appreciate the weeks he spent coddling you, once you were exposed to the alternative. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I need this. I need you to let me have this.” He paused, giving you just enough to time to stiffen, to realize he wasn’t letting go. To realize he was never letting go, even if that meant you only grew to hate him more. “I don’t care if you love me. I need you.”

Because he’d already gotten what he deserved. He’d already suffered, anguished, submitted himself fully to karma and reaped the consequences. The lesson had been drilled into him a thousand times, by his own hand another hundred. He already knew pain.

He’d already gotten what he deserved.

For once, he wanted to know what it would be like to get what he wanted, instead.

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