#if they're someone you connected deeply with once maybe you can again!!

[autistichalsin]

Halsin's autism coding really jumps out in his camp confession scene

Both the romantic and platonic one. Starting with the romantic one:

He thinks asking about his past lovers is a sign of interest (I notice a lot of autistic folks like us tend to never get it "right"- when we guess that someone might be interested because of cues we were told were romantic, we get it wrong, whereas when someone is showing certain cues, we think it's just friendly!)

The way he feels the need to explain why he thinks you're interested in him before you accept or reject. This one isn't explicitly explained, of course, but it is very easy to read it as an autistic person afraid of being harshly rejected/told they're insane to think there was a connection, so he puts out an explanation first in the hopes of softening the blow if he turned out to be wrong.

Halsin completely, and adorably, misinterprets the player if they tell him "maybe your heart stirs easier than you think"; he doesn't understand that the player is partially slut-shaming him (which is rude af on the player's end, but he misses this because he's honestly un-slutshamable, so he would never be offended here) and partially asking for clarification- how can you have had many lovers yet your heart doesn't stir easily? Not understanding this, Halsin goes on to tell stories of his past exploits, which are hot and very welcome, but also very much not what the player as getting at.

If the player is an absolute asshole and mocks him by comparing him to a deep rothe, he is crushed, but stays calm, simply telling them that they could have just said no- he doesn't call the player a jerk like they deserved. Just feels very true to the 'tism experience.

This line alone could stand as proof, I think: "Nature gifted us our desires, and the means to act on them. But we muddied its beautiful simplicity with rules, social strictures... clothes." He hates social structures for their complexity, and prefers something simpler. The dislike of social structures, of their nebulous nature, is a core autistic experience.

If the player says they only helped because he's a useful ally, he once again misreads; he misses that the statement was a rejection, and responds earnestly that he sees them as much more than an ally.

For the new platonic path:

If the player tells him they just want him to carry heavy things for them, he responds differently based on his approval levels to them (I.E. based on how close they are and how kind he feels the player is); at low approval, he is deeply hurt by this, and sadly muses that "perhaps not all friendships are destined to be balanced and reciprocal." Yet... he still considers it a friendship, even though that is in practice no friendship at all. A lot of autistic folks have this experience of being friends with people who don't share the same level of affection, or even outright mistreat, us.

In fact, the same thing happens in another variation: if the player snarks about Halsin inviting himself along (a way of saying "get lost"), he laughs and warmly says that he guesses he did invite himself along, and that he will be "more tactful when trying to make friends in future." Declaring oneself friends with others is such a classic autistic experience, but even MORE so is declaring yourself friends with someone who only tolerates, or even actively dislikes, you. It's quite sad- but also very endearing, because I feel so SEEN in that moment.

#halsin #halsin silverbough #bg3 #baldur's gate 3

[copperbadge]

hi, i had a medium to big question. in your post about the adhd self-help book you mentioned people with adhd being conditioned to be nonconfrontational, but i've never once in my entire life connected the two? can you break down the connection for me so that i can once again (this week, even) have my understanding of my own condition blown wide open?

So, you are not the only person to ask about this, but that's on me for being unclear -- I wasn't trying to assert that kids with ADHD are automatically conditioned to be nonconfrontational, I was more trying to be like "Hey not everyone needs lessons in medical self-advocacy but a lot of nonconfrontational people do." And I think there is a higher population of people with neurodivergence who are deeply confrontation-averse, but I don't have like, numbers for that, it's just an assumption based on other knowledge.

It gets complicated; ADHD is a disease based heavily in acting impulsively against your best interests. But yeah I do think people with ADHD are often conditioned to avoid confrontation because of two main factors: rejection-sensitive dysphoria and executive dysfunction.

RSD, which I hate perhaps more than any other symptom or behavior associated with ADHD, automatically kicks our nervous system into high gear in social situations and encodes embarrassing moments in our memory with high-def clarity. Because RSD naturally causes a level of anxiety around socialization, it tends to make us nonconfrontational simply because a) we don't want to be yelled at, b) we don't want to embarrass ourselves by getting emotional about something that may not warrant it, and c) by the time we realize what's happening our body is already on high alert which means we are likely to go into fight-flight-freeze mode.

Me, I freeze, usually, but none of those three options are great for fast thinking during an argument. I used to lose arguments a lot simply because I couldn't think or react as fast as the neurotypical person I was fighting with, so I simply stopped having fights. Notably, I did not have this problem when fighting with my brother, who is also neurodivergent and has many of the same freeze reactions I do.

If people disagree with me, even when I know I'm right I also know I probably won't be able to vocalize it properly, so I back down. Usually it's trivial so it doesn't matter, and I've gotten strategic about how and when I argue about things that do matter; it's also a lot easier to do with strangers or professionals (like doctors) where I don't have to worry about long-term social repercussions. But yeah, our own nervous system tells us "hey maybe don't pick this fight" about every single fight and if we do pick that fight, it treats our opponent as a dangerous predator.

Executive dysfunction's interaction with nonconfrontation is something I have less problem with because while I do have poor executive function, I've spent a lot of time and energy training myself to cover the Important Stuff. I have mild ADHD so I'm capable of this; I'm not trying to say everyone with ADHD is, because lord knows it's exhausting for me and I've been doing it for roughly thirty years. But essentially, I cover where it counts: if someone needs me to do something I do it, I meet deadlines, I pay bills.

So with that disclaimer in place, a very common issue especially for children with undiagnosed ADHD is that they'll be told or asked to do something and simply be unable to begin or complete it, then when they're asked why they didn't do it they can't explain. Even if they try to explain that they simply couldn't, like they were incapable of doing it for reasons they don't understand, that usually doesn't hold water with a lot of parents and teachers.

"I couldn't bring myself to write this essay," is actually something I told myself a few times in college, but it's not something I'd bother trying to tell someone else, because if you think you're neurotypical that sounds very insane. So I'd lie and say I forgot, or I'd take the fail, or I'd simply drop out of the class. Crucially I would not fight with the authority figure who was questioning me about it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself, and I'd just end up getting in more trouble for longer.

Our culture is structured for neurotypicals, and it's not even structured for all neurotypicals. Behavior that deviates from Approved Neurotypical even when you think you are Approved Neurotypical is highly punishable. So if your options are passivity, even when passivity leads to pain, or confrontation, most people who aren't Approved Neurotypical will opt for passivity once they've had a taste of where confrontation leads. I know I do.

And the thing is, there's nothing actually wrong with that. It's a strategy calculated to minimize pain. Even when I'm firing on all cylinders on a fresh dose of Adderall, I still generally let fights go unless there will be actual real consequences, because it's just not worth it. But knowing we have ADHD and knowing we fall into this pattern, I think it is good to be aware that sometimes letting a fight go is really going to fuck you, and at that point even being bad at it is better than not engaging.

I'm pretty good at calculating those, but it's a lifelong process, knowing which hills to die on when you assume you will automatically die if you ever get above sea level.

#sam has adhd #jellydishes

[llatimeria]

I've been conflicted about voting for a very long time, but recently it has clicked for me that Not Voting is supposed to be a threat. If you don't do what we want, you lose your job, and possibly get publically humiliated if your defeat is funny. Do what we say or else.

When people started rallying for Vote Blue No Matter Who in 2020, it was because the Red was so deeply unconscionable that not wanting to risk another Trump presidency was legitimately a somewhat reasonable stance to take. We saw the Vote Blue No Matter Who thing fail in 2016 and the next four years were awful, turmultous and violent, featuring immesurable damage to the causes left-wing people most strongly care about (climate change, social justice, etc). I completely understand the impulse to just press the "ANYTHING BUT THAT GUY AGAIN PLEASE" button as a hail mary, even for a candidate as mediocre and uninspiring as Biden.

However, we're now nearly four years out from 2020 (jesus christ), preparing for a new presidential election that might become extremely violent once again, and we do not live in a world where powerful people exist in a bubble completely separate from us common folk. They heard us. They saw we'd vote for anyone with a (D) next to them, because we all thought the alternative would be catastrophically worse. We proved it by electing Biden, an uncharismatic, resoundingly disliked septegenarian with a past riddled in his own stupid scandals. They now know they can serve us shit because we know we'll pay the bill anyway, so they're going to start cutting corners and doing whatever benefits them the most, since they think they'll be safe as long as they're "not as bad as the other guy".

Picking the lesser of two evils feels reasonable in the moment, but it's a fundamental part of why conservatism has taken over America. The right moves further right, so a significant block of voters will always vote for the left, so the left can get a little more loosey-goosey with their quality, moving a little bit to the right themselves. At what point do we end the cycle? What's the point at which this block of voters will snap? When does the difference between the evils become so scant that it doesn't matter?

Disappointingly, it seems like "supporting a genocide" is not the breaking point for many in this block. I get it, I really do, I also don't want a genocide to start in America (a somewhat feasible outcome if we re-elect Trump), but... like... because I don't like genocides, not because I happen to be partial to Americans. I want to do what I can to make no genocides happen anywhere, because Genocides... Are Bad. Yeah, of course that includes my own backyard, but it also includes far-off places I have never visited, never thought much about until now, don't have any particular cultural connection to, and probably has hundreds of people that hold beliefs that could actively harm me or I just simply find abhorrent.

I just feel like I've hit my breaking point. Neither evil feels "lesser" anymore. It's probably always been like this, and I might just be a dumb idiot for not seeing it until now, but I can't in good conscious vote for any of these morons anymore, even if it's to vote against someone I like less. It feels like they're all just going to do what they want no matter what, and we're just giving them a free pass by reflexively voting against the right, no matter how similarly the left and right behave.

If "left-wing" democratic candidates want to get the votes of the "vote blue no matter who" block forever, they better start actually, like, doing things for left-leaning causes. If enough people realize both parties are the same, and they're both going to be actively hostile to human life, there could be a huge shift in the status quo that could take power away from all these fuckers, including the "lesser evil" ones, so they do have to be careful. Maybe that shift should happen, too, and honestly it probably will, but Dems have a choice to make now: be violently overthrown by people sick of their shit, or adapt to the modern political climate by actually doing shit that matters, moving with that hypothetical shift instead of against it.

[beikonsims]

Tara showed Benedick the journals and letters left by her adoptive mother - Ginia. According to them, the woman was actually the condemned daughter of an infamous Alto family. Holly, after rejecting her parents' criminal legacy, left the house and changed her identity to avoid being associated with them. She cut herself off of her family, but still had to carry most of their secrets as a burden.

After the Altos left the Sunset Valley to avoid being arrested, they found their way to Veronaville. Once again, they tried to get involved with the two biggest families and further spread their criminal branches all over town. But the Capps and Montys were not as blind as Goths and Landgraabs. They quickly figured out Nick and Vita's games and chased them out of Veronaville. According to Ginia, the Altos had connections to mafia and as a revenge, they planned to destroy the two families by ruining the alliance between them. Although eventually the couple ended up in prison for the rest of their lives, they continued pulling the strings from behind the bars for years. Even after their deaths, the last assassins they hired were bound to "deal with the vermin" in case someone starts figuring out the truth. In her final journal entries, Ginia deeply regretted not being able to prevent any of the atrocities. But she claimed with relief, that everyone involved in the Veronaville crimes has died of old age by now or ended up in prison for completely different reasons.

Benedick: So... my mother died, because she almost figured out the Altos' involvement? How can we be sure they're not a threat anymore?

Tara: Look, I know what you're thinking. But I can guarantee you my mother had nothing to do with any of this and had no power to stop it. The last entries she wrote were shortly before her death less than a year ago. If she claimed it's over, I believe her.

Benedick: Well, I will have to be extra careful anyway. If this is all real, it's a groundbreaking discovery for our families. Too bad my grandfather didn't live long enough to learn the truth.

Tara: Maybe don't mention my involvement in this. I trust my mother with the threat being over, but better safe than sorry.

#beikon plays the sims #the sims 2 #beikon uberhood 2.0 #monty antonio round #benedick monty #tara kat

[willel]

While I do agree that Will not having focus in s3 and s4 is one of the biggest errors in the show and a confusing choice by the writers, I do think even if he had the consistent screentime that he should’ve- him being a focus in the final season would always make sense. The story of this crew does not exist without him that isn’t a debatable statement, it’s always something that would have to be addressed especially with how he is to this day still connected to the Mindflayer/vecna. So undoubtedly even though it’s messed up how much they sidelined him for seasons now, it doesn’t make the returning focus on him confusing if anything it explains it more cause they have a lot to make up for a lot.

I agree, but like you said, it was still an error not to do more to keep Will connected to what was going on with the supernatural plot. To us, it's obvious he was still connected and that they had no choice but to address it eventually, but not to a general audience member who watches each season once and then forgets about it until the next season comes around. Or the people who watch with their eyes closed if it's a character they don't like on screen.

Here are some things I think they could've done to improve Will's role in things. (some of these are my fanfiction secrets, but hey, it is what it is)

Season 3:

The way they used Will's senses in season 3 was nonsensical. Sometimes he could detect the Mind Flayer from miles and miles away. Sometimes he didn't feel anything until the Mind Flayer was right on top of them or inches away??

To better involve Will with the plot, maybe they should've made it so that he can generally feel the Mind Flayer at all times, active or not. It'd probably make him feel awful physically/emotionally, but it's certainly make it apparent how he's still tied into all this even though he's not possessed.

Make it so he can actually track them down or get a general feel of where they're going.

Make it so he can feel the approaching danger WAY before the Mind Flayer is literally right on top of them. Will should've been interrupting the conversation like "Oh crap, he's coming this way! Like a few blocks away!" rather than having him state the obvious after everyone else without sensing abilities already figured out what's happening....

They did show Will being dazed or having a complete break when the Mind Flayer is nearby, have other characters react to that and give a reason for that happening within the story. Great set up for later.

As a lighthearted addition, maybe Will briefly notices El in the void when she comes to spy on them. Almost like possessed Billy briefly saw El when she went to spy on him. (and then have Will not say a peep about it cause bros don't snitch)

Season 4:

Show how deeply connected Will is to what's going on in Hawkins by having him feel weird all the way in California. Maybe he swears he's hearing whispers or just feels something is off even though everything is completely normal in California.

Maybe whenever Vecna killed someone, Will just feels sick or unsteady? Or numb, or like he's falling again.

Maybe he also realizes something bad is going down in Hawkins pretty much at the same time El is figuring it out (when she goes to visit and hears Max's plan). Will of course wouldn't have the details that El does, but he just knows something is happening because of the feeling he's getting. "That" feeling. And that it's worse than ever before. Like Hawkins is so far away and yet he's still feeling the sensation THAT strongly.

Maybe when they meet up again after saving El from the lab, El is telling them they must hurry to Hawkins because everyone is going to die and instead of being shocked and confused, everyone just goes quiet. She's weirded out by the reaction until someone says "We know." and looks at Will, who is looking at the floor and it's like an "Oh crap" situation.

Maybe his reaction to being back in Hawkins is almost immediate. Like someone notices he's staring off into space and then gets started when someone calls out to him, as a callback to season 2.

Conclusion:

If all of that had happened, we probably wouldn't have needed that conversation with Mike on the couch but it's fine. I mean, at least half of it could've been chopped but maybe it'd still happen as Will reveals to the audience that it was Vecna he's been attached to all this time, not necessarily the Mind Flayer.

Maybe with all this extra info and stuff, the audience could piece together the clues easier. As you can see, it's not exactly a lot of stuff I would add personally. Just scenes between scenes to show no matter how much time has passed or how much distance there is between him and Hawkins, Will is not free and never has been.

#ask #Anonymous #stranger things #will byers #theory

[linkspooky]

Rather peculiar question but do you think anyone in JJK cares about Gojo personally? I find it interesting how he's perceived by his comrades all around, which usually stems from annoyance, irritation or just mere tolerance. Besides Geto of course which is another reason why i think Gojo only works well when Geto is next to him but i think their relationship as a whole doesn't just tie to them realizing each other's strength but like .... they just clicked you know?

That's a hard question to answer but I'll do by best. I wrote another meta about how Gojo deliberately avoids attachment, so Gojo himself makes it difficult for people to get close to him so they can form that kind of personal connection.

If Gojo forms personal connections with anyone, it would be his students. Gojo is at his best when he is acting on his ideals of protecting the youth, and promoting the next generation to surpass the previous one, unlike the elders who will ruin the lives of young people to stay in power. Gojo also is someone who was deeply traumatized in his adolescent years, both by the loss of Riko, and then Geto a year later, so it makes sense Geto who in some way still acts emotionally immature would have a stronger connection to the children he's trying to nurture than his adult peers.

Briefly touching upon his adult relationships, Gojo harasses Ijichi regularly, Nanami has stated he doesn't like him personally in different words, Mei Mei doesn't care about anything but money. Apparently according to an interview from Gege, Gojo doesn't know that Utahime doesn't like him he just thinks they're joking around. Which leaves Shoko, and Gege also stated in either an interview or the databook that Shoko is neutral between Gojo and the elders but will do favors for Gojo when she comes to him, which seems like a more businesslike relationship than anything. Shoko once smokes in the Shibuya arc and mentions she feels nostalgiac for the old days, so maybe she feels towards the three of them as a group of a whole more than Gojo personally.

However, once again I think Gojo's own behavior sabotages his attempts to get close to them. Gege mentioned in an interview that part of the reason why Gojo saved Yuta was because "He was strong", which implies that if Yuta wasn't strong or didn't have the strong potential he would not have stuck his neck out for him.

When Gojo helps out Megumi, it's with the caveat that he becomes a sorcerer, and works hard for Gojo's cause. He's not helping Megumi out of the goodness of his heart. Megumi's a potential strong ally. Gojo brings up that if Megumi doesn't take his offer, that both him and his sister will be taken in by the Zenin family, and his sister will be miserable. If Megumi had turned him down and didn't want him to be a sorcerer, he would have just let the awful Zenin family take them.

This is because on the flip side of Gojo's good intentions to protect the youth. He is also planning on raising them up as allies to his cause. He's being pragmatic about it, he's educating them and reaching out to them, for the purpose of getting allies on his side. Whenever he reaches out towards these kids he's getting something from them. Which is why a lot of them rather than forming personal relationsips with him feel indebted to him.

I'd argue that at least some of the kids personally care about Gojo as a mentor, or see him more than a "strong guy" or "a guy I owe." The more sincere ones like Yuta and Yuji who can't help forming connections with whoever they meet definitely do. Asproof of this, Yuta decides to shoulder the burdne of killing Kenjaku and raising four hundred points all on his own so Gojo doesn't have to go through the pain of killing his best friend a second time. If that isn't caring for someone personally, then I don't know what is.

#metasks #jjk meta

[dracoj]

Very important question: would Shiv and Kim be friends?

i imagine they meet when one of shiv's girlboss powerplays backfires spectacularly and she gets stuck overseeing the expansion of Waystar Parks into albuquerque. it's a boondoggle project meant to get shiv out of the way and humiliate her a little at the same time, which every "real" person knows, including shiv, so even before her first step into the 90 degree dry new mexico heat, she's already pissed she has to spend the next couple months in "sorry con, the middle of buttfuck nowhere". (of course, by "spend the next couple months" she means a couple days each week. they've still got the pj's, she's not an animal.) but all of that disappates when she meets with schweikart and cokely's liason: kimberly "no middle name" wexler. the big guns with a ponytail.

obviously, shiv succumbs to well-documented "i've worked with kim wexler once and now i'm deeply in lesbians with her" affliction

on the other hand, kim would absolutely despise Shiv LOL. Shiv is another obnoxious nepotism kid she's gotta deal with to keep the lights on. of course, while they're working together, Kim's the picture of professionalism - extremely competent, detail oriented, Knows Her Shit. but at the end of the day, she comes home to jimmy and complains about how dealing with waystar is such a shitshow over takeout pad thai.

but, maybe shiv leverages her old political connections to clear up a legal headache and the firm goes out for drinks at new mexico's swankiest bar to celebrate. for some reason (kim), shiv is also there, and they end up talking over drinks. and i think kim would recognize shiv's ruthlessness, her poorly suppressed rage, and resonate with it. in that slant of light, there's a world where shiv is waiting in the cold for someone to pick her up, where she walks home alone anyway.

but then shiv would step on a wexler landmine by insulting jimmy while coming onto her like "c'mon really? mr. clown factory misprint over there? i know abq isn't exactly new york, but you can do better than knockoff atticus fuck, trust me" with her classic Alligator Smirk and the moment would shatter. One way ticket to the Giselle St. Claire Shitlist.

anyway, a month later the waystar theme park project is officially shelved for reasons brushed under the rug and shiv never steps foot in new mexico again

#sorry this ask really activiated my insanity #i just think kim is too aligned with the little guys of the world to really be 'friends' with any of the roys #grudging respect with a core of antipathy is the closest i can get her to shiv #in my wildest dreams they have a tomgreg dynamic where shiv is so so so obsessed meanwhile kim: 'that's ms. roy from work (derogatory)' #btw shiv knows jimmy because connor calls him up every couple months for unhinged legal advice #they met after jimmy's billboard stunt in s2 connor was in the oil millionares house just hanging out #one more: kevin wartell roleplay scene but jimmy is shiv instead #j rambles #shiv roy #bcs #succession #better call saul #kim wexler #why did i write 300 words of kimshiv fanfic at 2 in the morning #um. shut up

[cosmicjoke]

Have you read Saezuru 48? What are your thoughts about it?

I just finished reading it, yes!

Just for an initial impression, it seems to me like both Yashiro and Doumeki are really struggling against their actual feelings, and Yashiro in particular continues to struggle with his desire to be with Doumeki, and his fear and need to push him away. It seems to me that Yashiro is both suffering from a sense of guilt over having pushed Doumeki away, with each reminder that Doumeki was genuinely hurt by it (which I'll get into in a second), and a sense of regret and sadness for seemingly having accomplished what he originally set out to do, which was make Doumeki hate him so the separation between them would be easier for him.

I think Yashiro still genuinely believes at this point that he's alienated Doumeki. His resigned, pained expressions each time Doumeki bitterly remarks on how Yashiro ran away shows that Doumeki's anger and/or hatred toward him is deeply painful for him, because of course, Doumeki was the first and really ONLY person to ever, truly love him. So to see that he’s apparently destroyed that love, that he's seemingly succeeded in accomplishing Doumeki's resentment for him must be awful. At the same time, Yashiro accepts that resentment with a resigned sadness. I think Yashiro believes he deserves it, even as he knows he largely pushed Doumeki away to protect him. But there's Yashiro's issues with self-loathing again. He believes he's doomed to forever remain unloved, because he sees himself as a sullied, corrupting, bad person. He knows he went out of his way to make their separation as painful as possible for Doumeki in an attempt to make Doumeki forget him, but he sees now he's only done the opposite, that Doumeki still continues to be affected by him and what happened between them. This, I think, can only feed into Yashiro's feelings of self-hatred. Once again, he thinks he's done nothing but cause another person pain and misery, even though he'd been trying to do the right thing.

I wasn't sure at first if Doumeki was acting so distant because he was trying to get something out of Yashiro, or if he was just truly hurt and acting out on those feelings. But I'm starting to think Doumeki really is just hurt, and the dumb dumb is too caught up in those feelings to see how much Yashiro actually still cares for him. He's deeply jealous of Inami, and wants Yashiro to stop seeing him, even as it's obvious to the reader that Inami means nothing to Yashiro. Doumeki doesn't know that.

Basically, both of them are laboring under false impressions of the other. Both of them think the other doesn't care for them the way they once did. Yashiro thinks Doumeki hates him now because of the way he pushed him away in the past, and Doumeki maybe still thinks Yashiro never cared for him at all. Essentially, in order for this to work itself out, they're both going to have to come clean with one another, and stop being so stubborn.

Yashiro almost tells Doumeki at the end of the chapter that Inami doesn't mean anything to him, but then chickens out. I think he's afraid that if he tells Doumeki how he really feels, Doumeki will reject him anyway, because, again, Doumeki is acting like he hates Yashiro now. And Doumeki is acting that way because he in turn is afraid Yashiro will reject him again. It's like a vicious cycle. Someone's going to have to step up and just be honest. At this point, I really can't say who that's going to be.

It'll be interesting though what happens next chapter. With Yashiro and Doumeki alone together in Yashiro's apartment, it will give them the perfect opportunity to just level with one another. I hope they do.

Also, I just wanted to make mention of Yashiro’s internal thoughts about Misumi, once again.  We continue to see Yashiro’s resentment of Misumi in trying to force him to stay connected to the world of the Yakuza, which once again makes me think that Misumi is going to end up playing a big factor in the story at some point.  Yashiro wants to get out of that world, but Misumi won’t let him.  Maybe Yashiro’s insistence on being involved in this case with the Sakura group is him rebelling against Misumi.  I doubt Misumi would actually want Yashiro involved, due to the level of danger.  There’s also the possibility that Yashiro is still suicidal, and he thinks the only way to escape Misumi and the world of the Yakuza is like this, by purposefully placing himself into dangerous situations in the hopes of getting killed.

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #Yashiro #Doumeki

[septembersghost]

I've never realised until you mentioned it how similar Norma/Romero and Kim/Jimmy's weddings are. prayer circle that Jimmy and Kim have a happier ending because christ I don't want to handle that kind of pain again

it makes me want to jump off a cliff directly into the ocean <3

to be fair, the circumstances that drive them to do this and the characters themselves are all very different - part of why i like to amuse myself thinking of kim and norma interacting (or rhea and vera cast together as sisters, i'm telling you, someone do this!) is the stark differences between those women. kim works so hard to keep herself contained, not to telegraph her thoughts, to restrain her emotions and quietly take the measure of everything; norma is completely unable to do this and is much more transparent in her reactions and emotionally volatile, but the thing that gets me is they're both unexpectedly unpredictable, both strong and defiant and flowing with depths of anger and love, both prepared to do whatever they must for any situation or the person most dear to them (jimmy and norman respectively). they both had difficult childhoods in disparate senses, and the abandonment and instability left permanent scars. they have such wells of hurt and resilience within them that i think they'd understand and have compassion for one another despite being juxtaposed in their outward displays. (also alex would not like jimmy, which is just so funny. not that alex really likes people in general, but a flashy, gregarious defense lawyer would be anathema to him personally.) bonus, kim and norma are both the queens of yelling at men. no one can tell a man off like either of them can.

obviously jimmy and kim love one another deeply and are already romantically involved, whereas alex and norma have danced around their attraction or even openly antagonized one another, but what's interesting to me in the wedding scenarios is both women propose (!) ostensibly for reasons of convenience. maybe we get married, and we're legally protected. maybe you could marry me so that i can have the insurance i need to help care for my mentally ill son. they convince themselves these are business transactions. mutually beneficial arrangements, but nothing more. except these men are totally head over heels for them, whether they want to admit it or not, so of course they'll do it, they'll do anything for them. jimmy will do anything to make kim happy (jimmy switches the numbers for her, survives the desert for her, would die for her), alex will do whatever he can to protect norma no matter how corrupt it makes him (alex kills for her more than once). so they enter into these false marriages with underlying truth. with this tentative spark and hope of acceptance and being loved back, only to miraculously realize that they are. getting married brings jimmy and kim even closer, cements their connection and their love and causes it to exhibit itself in new ways, both good and bad, anything that keeps them together. getting married makes alex and norma, through their stubbornness and their issues, recklessly fall in love with one another and display real vulnerability that they never show (or perhaps are incapable of showing) anyone else.

they get married nervously, under pretense, with no trappings, no grand gestures, no tulle or roses or even idealism, and it leads to them being the most honest they ever have been, and the most romantic.

it's fatal in norma and alex's case (though a lot more factors are at play there than their marriage, it's certainly a cause. and i love norman and have sympathy for him and think that action is one of the most plaintively tragic things i've ever seen, the image of norman walking through the house and closing the vents set to eerie mr. sandman lives in my head rent free, but that's...a whole other post), in jimmy and kim's case i think the outcome is going to be something all its own and not resultant in that permanent grave, though there are other forms of grief withering love that could be more painful than death. since they're both prequels, we know quite a lot of doom is sealed from the start. norma is never going to escape her fate, the basement awaits from the moment we meet her. she has WAY more extenuating circumstances, and her codependent, consuming, irrevocable bond is with norman first and foremost and eternally, which causes a schism for her (and she chooses her son, of course she does, this is inevitable from the beginning), whereas kim's codependent, consuming, irrevocable bond is jimmy alone. alex wants to be a savior of sorts but is no white knight, he and norma both have blood on their hands, they both carry guilt and yet would take those actions again without pause. it's a whisper of a romance, though i'd argue the "pack your bags"/"where are we going?" scene is one of the most powerful in the entire show and an example of unflinchingly accepting love. still, they get two weeks. two weeks to feel that measure of love and union and comfort, and who can even say if it would've lasted? she dies before they're fully tested, looking ethereal and angelic and haunting his memory, curling him into vengeance and despair like the edges of a burned letter. it was an ephemeral thing, their bubble as she described it. shimmering and brief, and the point was having a moment.

jimmy and kim live in their own world of ghosts, but we don't know how their story ends yet. their connection has been anything but ephemeral. it has been enduring and constant. it has spanned years, transformations, victories, laughter and grief, bloodshed. they choose each other over and over again. they make each other braver and better, they make each other devious and worse, they define and illuminate and construct each other's identities, they are destructive and salvational for one another. the everlasting and ever-developing quality of that makes me think that maybe there's some measure of, if not light, at the end of their road, something akin to reunion and/or a modicum of healing. (a fool's hope in denial? maybe!)

tl;dr but YES i am very very emotional about the parallels and contrasts between their relationships at any given moment, and the courthouse city hall weddings in both cases moved me in a particular way.

alex and norma have this delicate, uncertain kiss that unfolds into a Real Thing

and they stand on the steps with the weight of this choice

jimmy and kim have a perfunctory kiss that becomes tender and Very Real

and they stand on the steps with the weight of this choice

they tie their lives and destinies together, and then cautiously carve out a space to call home amidst the tumult of a dark and threatening universe, trying to keep one safe place of sanctity for their hearts, one place to embrace each other regardless of their sins. the specter of death follows them past the threshold, but maybe that isn't the meaning of it in the end. maybe it was being seen. maybe it was taking their broken pieces and holding them reverently for a moment.

maybe it was taking the risk to love at all.

#anon i'm not sure anyone but you and me will care about this post and it turned into a novel but i love them all so much #absolutely devastating engulfing soul altering love stories #niche interests my beloved #two iconic blondes and the pathetic men devoted to them 💞💕💞 #pls forgive me for invading the tags with this it's for my own categorization purposes #a legal arrangement #jimmy mcgill #kim wexler #better call saul #it's not a movie #norma bates #alex romero #bates motel #anonymous #letterbox

[ell-vellan]

Hi, I'm the anon who messaged you a while back about enjoying Aneth Ara, even though I'm not familiar with Dragon Age at all.

Again, thank you for sharing your wonderful writing. Its so engaging and immersive.

On a mildly personal level, I found I was really able to connect with El. I'm in my mid 20s and have yet to have a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone. For me, school and college always seem to take over my life. Reading your take on this in Ellawyn and seeing the patience Bull has for her, even though they are fictional characters, gives me hope that someone could have that same patience for me.

Sorry if this was too personal, but just wanted to let you know how deeply your work resonated with me.

Sweet anon, I'm so glad you messaged me again. It's not too personal. I hope it's okay for me to reply to you this way (I can only reply publicly to anonymous messages), but if you'd prefer me to delete this, message me again and let me know.

I was also that super-dedicated-to-school person once upon a time. I didn't have these exact experiences, but I understand where you're coming from. Some of own stuff slips into everything I write. So don't think you're alone in that. I'm willing to bet there's a not-small percentage of people feeling very similar to you, they're maybe just not super open about it.

Anyway, thank you for reaching out! I know it takes a lot of bravery. 💞 It's an honor to write something that you're able to connect to on such a level and I deeply appreciate you letting me know, because there's really no greater gift for a writer to hear that from a reader.

Have the best day 💖

#asks #omg anon i am sending you Internet hugs #I wish i had something more impactful and concrete i could tell you #if you would prefer to chat privately I'm fine with that too i dont want to put anything out there you don't want #also I'm low key fascinated to hear your impressions of Dragon Age if you only know it thru my fic lol that's so cool

[beyondthetemples]

{{ since Doves powers are electric like and Calebs uses electric magic . how easy would it be for Dove to learn a lightning spell ? or how do you think their abilities would be if they combined their powers ?

Dove's powers manifest as forked streaks of energy largely unrelated to electrical charge; I just use "lightning" as shorthand for the long, jagged lines her powers take! She doesn't actually have any control over electricity.

That doesn't mean she can't learn to use it, though! It would be pretty difficult for her at this point, because she only has the most vague, rudimentary understanding of how magic even works, and that's because it sometimes aligns with how some of her powers work, and even knowing that is only because she witnessed her mother casting spells throughout her childhood.

Dove and her mother "controlled" her powers by locking them down, preventing them from surfacing, but also largely preventing her from using them. Telepathy was the only ability Dove got any practice with for the first 14 years of her life, and once she joins the Titans and starts training on how to use her other powers, they mostly focused on restraint of the most potentially-damaging ones. Dove has absolutely no practice with using magic whatsoever.

(Adding a cut here because I heckin' RAMBLED.)

I have a story wherein Dove meets someone that trains her a bit more with heavy focus on the magical stuff, and she does pick up a few tricks while she's with him. Dove has a deep well of potential power-- but that's the key word there, potential. She hesitates to tap into it out of fear that she'll lose control and hurt somebody. (She doesn't have experience with anything but her emotionally-volatile powers! Not to mention a glaring lack of confidence. Of course she can't imagine that magic would work any better for her.)

As for combining their powers: Truth be told, I don't think I know enough about Caleb's magic to project how it'd happen!

Especially with how often Dove "leans into" his mind though, there's a connection there and they're bound to have sparks flying.

Dove's powers draw from both the power she inherited from her mother and her father. (The way their bloodlines interact technically weakens both from their full potential, but that's a whole 'nother essay on its own.) The telepathy, heightened senses, physical endurance, and energies unleashed by emotion, that's all her father. The presentience and her (latent) capacity to utilize other forms of magic came from her mother. She can still be scary powerful when she needs to be (or when someone else needs her to be), but it takes a Massive Motivation for her to Actually Get Over Herself and DO IT.

Going off of Caleb's ability to use both light and dark magic now, maybe he can help her figure out how to utilize both sides of her own power, too. Use the magic she inherited from her mother with her father's deep well of power?

I imagine if they were going to mix magics, Dove's first reaction would be "I'll give you my power and YOU use it". As they stand right now, even with the power she can Potentially use once she has time to hone it, Caleb's skill with magic is much greater than hers, and oh, she is AWARE of that. But she also knows from experience that especially when she's riled up, she has a lot of raw power herself. Again, she'd be afraid of messing up and hurting somebody.

Dove's magic (being Azarathean in nature) blends a little bit into spirituality for her, too. Pacifism is integral to her spirituality. She would deeply avoid using any magic as an offensive attack with intention to hurt someone, and this is more out of a moral sense than anything about the magic actually Preventing her from doing it, but she'll be a lot more willing to use it for more strategic things like shielding, invisibility, recharging others, healing, disguising things like a glamour, etc. (She's hesitate to do that less, too, and in a battle situation, The Less She's Gonna Hesitate, The Better.)

#dovemun answered an ask #dovemun headcanons list #cyberninja #powers

[sporesgalaxy]

god i have 1 million half formed ideas in my head and i just never get around to them.

Here's some rambling abt the relationships that people have with Scrangle in my brain. Specifically Prof. Laventon, Rei, and Emmet.

Laventon: is honestly a little scared of Scrangle in some ways bc he witnessed some of the earliest most unfiltered Eldritch Horror Talk. But he also he witnessed this

Laventon: This is a proper pickle indeed. Do you think you'll be able to survive on your own?

Scrangle: [opens eyes again] Of course I--!

Scrangle: [They pale, and then look at their tiny hands again. They look around wildly, at the world around them, which is huge compared to them, and utterly unfamiliar.]

Scrangle: I... [swallows] ...um...

Scrangle: M-maybe...if I just...ah...

Scrangle: ... [glances at Laventon, who looks heartbroken at her] Don't look at me like that! I don't like that at all!!

Scrangle: [stands back up] I'll figure it out, I'll figure everything out, I don't care!!!

He's prone to being swept up by Scrangle's posturing and buying into their hype, because their talent is his hope for completing the pokedex, so he really wants to believe they're strong and capable. But also he's more keen to notice when they start to crack and get scared.

Rei: in contrast, has more of a tendency to idolize Scrangle. They seem like everything he's not in so many ways, and Scrangle does nothing to discourage this. They make him nervous sometimes, but he and Laventon get to see more than most how much Scrangle absolutely adores their pokemon, and how much said pokemon adore Scrangle, so he can't bring himself to really believe Scrangle is as scary as they act. He wishes he could understand them better, though.

Emmet: Swerving sharply out of actual games and into purely fanfic territory, Emmet has a fun little arc with Scrangle. Initially he doesn't trust them; they are connected to his brother's disappearance, after all, and they seem verrrry weird.

As he gets to know them better, he develops some jealousy of the time they got to spend with Ingo when Emmet was unable to. Especially knowing Ingo's memory was wiped, it can feel a little bit like Scrangle was a replacement for Emmet. He eventually comes to terms with it and lets go of his bitterness. Scrangle had nothing to do with Ingo being taken away from Emmet and blaming them for it won't fix anything. Plus, this poor kid really needed the direction that Ingo gave them.

Besides that (and constantly developing in tandem w that lil arc), Emmet finds he has a lot in common with Scrangle, and is charmed by how aggressively weird and deeply excited about pokemon and battling they are.

bonus Ingo: literally just explodes

I: ...Although we are from very different places, I believe that we have something in common.

S: We do?

I: Indeed.

I: Neither of us sees the world in quite the way that the people of Hisui are used to.

I: I appreciate knowing that there is someone by my side who understands what that's like, even just a little.

I: I sincerely hope that I can offer the same reassurance to you.

&

For once, I am at ease spending so much time in a town. Pokemon battles have given me the sense of connection with the people here that had been alluding me since my unsheduled arrival. I owe Scrangle more than I could ever hope to repay for directing me down this new track.

#scrangle

[sparks-joy-imagines]

Girl, imagine Sukuna when he finds out that his girl is super kinky😌 like they're making out and he's roughly pulling at her hair and she lets a moan slip because she secretly likes pain or he smacks her ass while walking past her, somehow he forgot his strength and the slap was a lot harsher than usual, but then she moans and he's ready to the nasty in an instant😌 honestly, lovemarks, choking, spanking I'm all in for it😂

omfg FINALLY some Sukuna smut😩👌👌👌 you have no idea how long I've been waiting to get to business with him so thank you for this request~ I do hope you enjoy it, hun, 'cause I sure as hell did😏 -mesu. warnings: not sfw, reader gets penetrated, unsafe intercourse (pls don’t do this), rough, biting, some hair pulling, spanking, is Sukuna a warning himself? 'cause I feel like I have to include him in this.. Ryōmen Sukuna x f!reader

The human body was not compatible with the strength and stamina of a special grade curse. Sukuna had learnt this the hard way. The more powerful he grew, the more cautious he had to be in order not to just break his current partner or plaything, whatever was more accurate. It was no fun tearing his counterpart into shreds within mere seconds after all, and quite unfulfilling to say the least.

At times Sukuna had found someone somewhat more… durable. Not as easily broken. But eventually he had always ruined them. And then, there was you. You were the most precious thing in his life and he really didn’t want to risk losing you. So, he had been holding back this reckless side of his the best he could ever since you were with him. Still, he couldn’t help this certain itch he had whenever you looked at him. He longed to ruin you.

Sukuna snapped back to reality when your hand brushed through his hair. You had just taken a shower and were heading to get dressed, wrapped merely in a towel, when you passed him sitting on the couch. A low growl escaped Sukuna’s throat as he took you in and more out of reflex than anything else his hand found its way to your jiggly arse.

Smack!

Your eyes widened at the impact and your hand reached for your mouth to muffle the sound that unwillingly tried to escape your lips, but it didn’t cover them in time. The lewd moan sounded all but obscene and for a long moment you didn’t dare to move. When you finally gathered the courage to turn to Sukuna nothing of his formerly neutral expression remained.

He looked feral.

“Who would’ve thought that you’re such a bad bad girl, (Y/N),” he smirked when he easily jumped on his feet and took his sweet time to circle around the furniture, when all you could do was take steps back until you could feel the cool wall of your flat behind your back. You knew there was no way to escape what was to follow and the wetness that spread between your folds was the very proof that you didn’t even want to.

“Sukuna..,” you whispered but you shut up instantly when he crashed his hand against the wall beside your head and immediately let it sink into your hair, yanking your head in your nape. You whimpered softly in response and bit your lower lip to suppress another moan when you felt his lips at your neck, sucking on your sensitive skin.

While he was busy marking your neck, his free hand wandered to your hands which desperately held your towel in place. When you denied his first tug on the fabric, Sukuna pulled back to look at you, his lips swiftly being replaced by his other hand which tightened around your neck just enough to make you feel a certain restriction on your airflow.

“Now, for how long were you planning to keep this hidden from me?” Sukuna’s voice was monotone, almost disinterested but the burning in his dark eyes told you otherwise.

“I.. didn’t mean to hi-aahh~” You pressed your eyes shut when you felt his knee against your crotch.

“Didn’t mean to hide that you get off of pain and nasty shit?” Sukuna snorted as he simply ripped the towel away from your body, leaving you bare in front of him, “You’re already soaked and I didn’t even do anything to you… yet.”

The heat rose in your cheeks due to the sudden humiliation and you felt your very own juices slowly leaking down your thighs. You turned your head to the side, trying your best not to have to look at Sukuna but his thumb and index finger relentlessly grabbed your chin and made you face him.

“I will tell you how this is gonna go down, (Y/N),” Sukuna cooed, his eyes piercing into yours, “I will let go of you now and take my place back on the couch.”

Your eyebrows arched upwards in disbelief and a low chuckle escaped Sukuna’s throat, “Don’t look at me like that. You’ll follow me of course, good little girl that you are, and bend over my lap nicely, so I can properly punish you for keeping this juicy little secret of yours from me for so long.”

A shiver ran down your spine as he spoke and you couldn’t help but nod in response. You knew better than to defy this. To defy him.

“Splendid.”

Sukuna brushed an uncharacteristically sweet kiss on your lips and lowered his head to swirl his tongue around each of your nipples shortly before he turned to settle down on the couch. When you didn’t follow suit, he lifted his index finger to motion for you to approach without even granting you another glance and said in a sing-song voice, “You better not make me wait now, doll.”

You nibbled your lip contemplating for a split second before you stepped to Sukuna who patted his thighs for you to bend over, the bulge in his pants more prominent than you had ever seen it before.

As soon as you got into position on his thighs, Sukuna’s hand mercilessly connected to your bare buttock with a loud thud, making you jerk up and moan again which was followed by Sukuna’s own thrilled laughter.

“I adore your voice like that, sweet cheeks!”

You managed to have a peak at Sukuna’s expression that clearly showed how much he was enjoying this, before his hand came down onto your arse again. You huffed at the pain mixing with pleasure and clawed your hands in his thigh when you suddenly felt his fingers circling at your entrance. Sukuna didn’t seem to mind your nails in his flesh.

“My aren’t you soaked and ready for me, (Y/N). Want me badly?”

Before you managed to answer, he smacked your arse again, making you yelp out, “Aahh- Yes! Yes I want you bad, Sukuna!”

You wiggled on his thighs and soon felt his free hand grab your nape like a kitten that couldn’t behave to hold you in place. His fingers slipped into your wet folds cheekily, rubbing against your walls while he leaned down to murmur into your ear, “Let’s see how much of me you can take then, shall we? On your knees and arse up, darlin’.”

A shiver ran down your spine, your body already way too sensitive to his touch. Sukuna waited for you to shakily get on the floor and assume position, legs trembling under your own weight, and then stepped in front of you, calmly taking off his clothes. If not for his intense gaze that gave away his hunger for you, he looked rather unbothered.

Your mouth watered and you swallowed heavily when he took off his underwear, the tip of his large member twitching on sight. A wicked grin emerged on Sukuna’s features, “Bet you’d like to suck me off now, wouldn’t you.”

You lowered your gaze knowing your eyes would betray you and soon felt his hand pat your hair as he positioned himself behind you, grabbing your hips tightly.

“Don’t worry. I’ll let you taste my dick once I’m done with your tight pussy.”

Sukuna barely gave you a moment to comprehend his words, when he already slammed his entire length deeply into you, making you scream at the sudden intrusion. Up until now he had always taken his time to at least let you grow accustomed to his considerable size but now he started moving deep within you almost immediately.

You pressed your palms desperately against the floor, trying your best to hold balance while Sukuna kept thrusting into you at a merciless pace, hitting that sweet spot that only he seemed to know with every other thrust. His size spread you to your very limits and with each thrust you felt more like bursting.

More and more lewd noises escaped your mouth and seemed to motivate Sukuna to add even more strength to his movements, striving to push you to the edge. Just when your arms were about to give in, Sukuna moved his hands from your hips; one to your torso to cup your boob and hold you up at the same time; the other to the sensitive knot between your folds to finally finish you off.

“Cum for me, doll,” Sukuna growled lowly and when you felt his rough thumb brush over your clit the very moment his tip prodded your sweet spot, you did just that, accompanied by a scream of Sukuna’s name that you didn’t quite make out to be yours.

“Fuuuck,” Sukuna moaned as you contracted around him, making him fill you with his sticky seed. He continued to move in you for a couple more thrusts before he smoothly pulled out of you, letting you down on the floor while he spread your buttocks to watch his cum drip out of you while you caught your breath.

“Aren’t you a fine piece of nasty ass, (Y/N),” Sukuna chuckled after a while and carefully pulled you up so you could rest against his broad chest.

You gazed in his eyes and smirked while you let your hand innocently move to his crotch, “Maybe… so about that offer of yours…~”

#ryomen sukuna x reader #ryomen sukuna #not sfw #jujutsu kaisen imagine #imagine #jjk #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #sukuna #sukuna x reader #text #mesu #jjk requests are open #event is open

[moinstar]

Moin MC x Diavolo (self-indulgent fic)

The hallways echoed with the inconsistent sound of heels clopping against tiles. The young human slowed in her steps, leaning against the wall. Some of her reddish bangs had been plastered on her sweaty forehead and she had closed her eyes as she took another deep breath. She swallowed heavily and clutched at her chest. Her rapid heartbeat pounding on her ears: making the quiet hallway deafening to her. She tried to keep the tears from falling as she walked slowly towards the nearby restroom, her thoughts spiraled with a raging storm.

(I know that I wasn't like them. I have a lot to learn. Why does the professor need to single me out and make me feel dumb?)

(Mammon's also not listening, why am I the one getting all the laughs and mockery? Is it because I'm human?)

(I'm trying to study silently and just pass this year without any issues. I want to live peacefully. But I guess not all demons are actually good. I mean, they're demons for fuck's sake. I should've know better.)

(Why, of all people, did I get picked anyways? Solomon is a sorcerer, I'm not. I'm not special. I've always been a second option. Maybe they made a mistake and I'll just be brought back to the human realm soon. Or, maybe they'll eat me afterwards since I knew about the demon realm?)

(I'm just average. Lucifer will get disappointed. Lord Diavolo will be disappointed. Everyone thinks of me as a potential food. I just wish they'd just get over it and eat me now. I'm just a burden. I never wanted this. I don't know who to live for.)

As her knees buckled and her tears fell, a warm chest cushioned her fall. Fearing that her wish might've been heard, she gasped and struggled to get out of the person's hold. Through her blurry vision, everywhere was red and a bit of black and gold.

"-ay?" The voice was inaudible as she fought to regain her senses. However, the deafening sound of her heartbeat got too painful so she clutched her chest to try and regulate her breathing. The person stood in front of her and hesitantly patted her back, running his warm hands to her tensed shoulders.

"-in... -oin..."

(Please let me die. Please let me die. Please eat me. Please let me be. I want to disappear. I don't want to think about anything else.)

"Breathe." His firm hand rested by her left jaw. His large palm cradling her neck up to her jaw, fingers tangled to her wet red locks. He was letting her hold his other hand in a tight grip, providing an anchor.

He patiently waited as she tried to breathe normally. His hand left her face and massaged the one that was gripping at his, continuously speaking encouraging words.

As soon as she regained her normality, she recognized the young prince kneeling in front of her with a worrying look in his eyes. He was still massaging the hand that was gripping his.

"Have you calmed down, Moin?" His soothing voice made her alarmed.

"I-I-I... I'm s-sorry. I was... I'm sorry for the trouble, s-sir," she stuttered as she tried to stand up but her legs wouldn't move from the numbness that overtook while sitting by the hallway.

"What happened? Did someone hurt you?"

She shook her head. She wanted to explain more but the stuttering made her feel ridiculous. She slowly withdrew her hand and clutched it to the hem of her coat. The tingle of warmth subsides and she almost wanted to hold his hand again. Almost.

"Are you sure?" She nodded, looking away and hid her tear-streaked eyes behind her bangs.

Diavolo stood up and offered a hand. She took it but her body felt heavy and numb that she barely lifted herself.

"I... I..." Her face shifted to terror, afraid of being stuck sitting in the hallway in a weakened state, unable to protect herself from demons who would harm her.

"I'll take you to the infirmary. You're not well." Just as he was about to lift her up, she shook her head and leaned away from his arms. He was about to ask why but she beat him to it.

"Back... I look h-horrible so can you... carry me on your back?"

She didn't want anyone to look at her even more. Her anxiety of being seen by the prince himself in this weakened state doubled.

(What if Lord Diavolo thinks I'm not fit for this program anymore? Is he going to discard me somewhere?)

(Ahhh! I'm so embarrassed. I got tears and snot all over. I look ugly. The prince will definitely think I'm disgusting. Who breaksdown in the middle of classes anyway?)

He turned, his backside facing her, and said, "Can you manage?"

She wiped her tears and sniffed, nodding and crawled towards him. Grabbing his shoulders, she dragged herself towards his back and encircled her arms by his neck. He grabs her thighs and positioned it on his sides as he slowly stood carefully. She tightened her grip, feeling like she didn't properly situated herself on his back. Diavolo bounced her once to fix her position and she yelped as she buried her face to the soft cape connecting to the back of his collar.

"I apologize. You were falling." He looked over his shoulder to check to see if she was okay. Her face was still buried and she inhaled deeply at his comforting scent.

Receiving no response from her, he started walking down the hallway.

"Thank... you." She breathed as his rocking steps lulled her to slumber.

The prince smiled at that, glad to know he helped her in a way. As he rounded the corner, he almost bumped into Lucifer.

"Diavolo! Where have you-"

He shushed him before the black haired man could even yell more at him. Lucifer raised an eyebrow and shifted his look to the person he's carrying on his back.

"Moin? Why is she sleeping on your back?"

"She wasn't well when I saw her. I didn't know what happened but she was in distress. I got her to calm down and now I'm taking her to the infirmary to be checked up." He whispered as he continued to walk. Lucifer catching up to his side.

He studied her puffy eyes and sweaty face. It wasn't the composed girl he used to see in his day by day. The Moin he knew was always smiling and naive. Even amidst the chaotic banters and conversations that he and his brothers have, she's the only person who stood quietly, listening to each and every person's voice. To him, he thinks she's like a lighthouse among the raging storm by the sea. And now, looking at her weakened state, that image crumbled along with it. He wasn't disappointed, per se. He was surprised that he got to see a new side of her that she wouldn't normally show to them.

"Lucifer, can you put her to bed?"

Diavolo's voice snapped him out of his trance and immediately prepared the bed. As he turned to get her off of the prince's back, he took a moment to wipe her dried tears. Lucifer proceeded to hook his arms behind her head then under her thighs and carried her gently to the bed. This is the first time he held her close but, for some reason, it didn't feel comfortable.

At the back of his mind, a long lost memory began to nudge his thoughts.

"We still need to take care of things, Diavolo." He rose and reached for his phone. "I'll message Mammon so he can watch over Moin for the time being."

The man in the red uniform approached the sleeping human. Touching her forehead, he couldn't make out if she's feeling feverish but her sweat never ceased forming. He unbuttoned her coat and carefully removed it on her person. After hanging her coat, he proceeded to tuck the blanket just until under her chin. With one last look at her form, he went out of the room.

"She's very diligent, no?" It wasn't a question. Merely to compliment her in front of the stoic man while on their way.

Lucifer hummed in approval. "My brothers had taken a liking to her. I appreciate the extra hand in keeping them in line."

"And? Haven't you also taken a liking to her too? Whenever she's around, there's gentleness around you."

He huffed. "Do you want me to be harsh to them? What are you implying?"

Diavolo's golden eyes gaze upon his red ruby ones, as if searching for an answer. The momentary silence made Lucifer glance at his companion.

"She's tolerable. Aside from her ever wandering curiousity that puts her into trouble, I... don't really dislike her."

The young prince smiled, quite happy even with the curt reply.

(Quite the growing family.) He thought as he gazed at his left hand, indented with half moons on his ring finger.

#obey me diavolo #obey me mc #moin mc #obey me lucifer #self-indulgent shit #fanfic #so forgive my noob-ass fic writing #also thanks to Rei for proofreading #tw deppressive thoughts

[pilmik]

No better way to start a writing blog than by writing something completely self indulgent lmao college students this might hit too close to home but in my defense the new sem started and I'm. Mess

Gen: angst ig???some fluff? hurt/comfort? Quite literally just me writing what I want to hear

CW: insecurities, negative thoughts

Wakatoshi loves volleyball

Everyone knows this

Ever since he was little, he's lived and breathed for the sport

There's nothing better to him than the feeling of the ball hitting his hand, the adrenaline rush of a scored point, the satisfaction of a game well won

He didn't get this far on enjoyment alone though

As his s/o, you know this better than anyone, save for his coaches and teammates of course

You know the effort he's put in, you know that for every second he shines on the court in front he's spent hours practicing alone or with his teammates

And he shines on the court

Watching him play will never fail to make your heart stutter and your lungs feel like they're not getting enough air

After being with him as long as you have, you know enough about volleyball to know that Wakatoshi is something special

His speed, his strength, his reliability

No matter how many times you see that spike, the sound of the ball hitting the floor stays deafening

Wakatoshi was made to play Volleyball. It's an objective fact. Sometimes you think that the sport loves him just as much as he loves it

Sometimes, you get so jealous you could scream

one of the perks of being the volleyball captain's s/o is that you always get the best seats

You watch front row as your boyfriend leads his team to victory, and he always leads them to victory.

You watch, time and time again, as he scores the match point, that sharp wham of the ball hitting the court that sings triumph

Wakatoshi isn't the most expressive person. When his team wins a game, most people would write off his impassive face as nonchalance or as vanity, thinking maybe he's won so many times it doesn't feel like anything for him anymore

But you know him. You know that if you look hard enough at the end of a game, you can see a gleam in his eyes. A gleam that somehow means both satisfaction and hunger

Because while at the end of every game means victory, the end of every game also means the start of a new one, a new challenge, a new opportunity to be on the court. He loves every second of it

You know you're probably the worst person on the world for feeling this way about someone you love, but every time you see that gleam in his eyes, any pride and happiness you feel on his behalf is stained with resentment and an envy so bitter it stays on your tongue for days

You've never had that gleam in your eyes. You've never loved something so entirely, so completely as Wakatoshi loves volleyball

You honestly doubt you ever will

It's not like you're talentless or you don't have hobbies, you have the things you're good at and you have the things you like to do but it's not the same

You want so desperately to know what he feels like, to be doing something and to think, I could do this for the rest of my life and die happy

on your worst days, you wonder why he stays by your side at all

You watch him play, surrounded by his court and his team (no the court or the team, his.) And you wonder what he could get from you that he couldn't get from the sting of the ball on his palm, or the squeak of his shoes on hardwood

He's brilliant, wherever he goes be burns so brightly you swear he leaves scorch marks. What could a forest fire possibly want from a candle?

You watch them play a game against some college team, they win straight sets and Wakatoshi dominated the court, scoring a majority of the points. you're quiet on your way home, and he asks if you were bored by the game

You immediately tell him no, because on most days you love seeing him play, and you try and explain how you feel

He doesn't understand what you're talking about, obviously

Contrary to what most people think, your boyfriend isn't stupid or dense. He has trouble understanding different social cues and conceptualizing some of the more complicated emotions other people feel, but he's not an idiot

But these specific insecurities are something he's never had to face. For him, it's been volleyball since the start. His earliest memories are of his father in the yard, tossing a blue and yellow ball into the air while he sits on the engawa, chubby hands holding tight to a pink vabo-chan plush

It doesn't make sense to him, if you don't have anything like that, then all you need to do is find something you're good at, correct? Then you'll be happy

He tells you this, in his usual matter-of-fact way. (you can imagine how that went)

He doesn't understand why your eyes go glassy, or why you tell him you'll be fine walking by yourself for the rest of the way

But he does understand that he's made you upset, and he knows that he never wants to look into your eyes and see tears that he's put there

As he walks back to his dorm, he's wracking his brain trying to make sense of how you told him you felt, and what he said in response

He's still thinking as he enters the doorway, ignoring Tendou's greeting as he neatly removes his runners and puts them away

This, of course, alerts his redheaded friend, knowing Wakatoshi was taught to mind his manners

He leaves whatever he was doing to see him at the entrance, taking in his pinched expression. He knows that Wakatoshi walks you home after every game, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots

He quickly presses the pad of his thumb between Wakatoshi's furrowed eyebrows, smoothing the lines there

"trouble in paradise, Wakatoshi-kun? You can't keep frowning like that you know, you'll get wrinkles! Everyone already thinks you're an old man"

Wakatoshi trusts his best friend, even if he teases him constantly. Besides you, Tendou is his main confidant

He explains what happened much like someone would explain a mission report, in perfect unbiased detail. He tell him what you said, how he thought and responded and your reaction. Tendou is always patient with him, giving him his full attention.

After he finishes his story, his friend sits on his haunches in the middle of the hallway for a few minutes, pointer finger to his chin, head cocked and eyes to the ceiling, hmmmmmming thoughtfully

Wakatoshi waits at the entrance of their dorm room until Tendou snaps his eyes away from the ceiling and onto him

"Wakatoshi kun, I'm going to need you to imagine something for me"

His eyebrows pinch together again, but he nods

"Imagine you never played volleyball, you're exactly the same in every way, except your dad never showed you so you never learned how to play. Try and imagine who you'd be"

Wakatoshi tries his best to imagine, he replaces the blue and yellow ball in his memory with a red one, the bouncy kind they sell in bins at the grocery store. He replaces vabo-chan with some kind of stuffed animal wearing a bow

He thinks about school, about going straight home after class is over, and going to the gym only on weekends

He finds he's skipping parts of his life in large gaps, empty spaces he doesn't know what to do with, his future completely blank. It's terrifying.

Tendou must see the dawning horror on his face because he jumps up quickly with a flourish, clapping his hands together once to draw Wakatoshi out of his daydream

Tendou looks at him, smiling and says "y/n-chan doesn't have their volleyball. Most people aren't as lucky as you, finding your volleyball so early Wakatoshi-kun. Some people never find their's at all"

He stands at the entrance quietly for awhile after Tendou returns to his room, thinking about how scary it felt to imagine, even for a few minutes, his life full of the blanks that his sport filled

He wonders how it would be like to have those blanks empty all the time, with not even a clue how to complete them

Swallowing his pride, Wakatoshi realizes he wouldn't be able to live like that. Wouldn't be able to go forward into such unknowable territory, under such impossible odds

He thinks about you waking up every day, seeing your life full of blanks, and still pushing forwards despite it

He doesn't get much sleep that night.

You wake up in the morning to Wakatoshi's text ringtone

7:10am Toshi <3: Call in sick for first period.

7:10am Toshi <3: I am going to pick you up at 8.

7:13am Toshi <3: I will bring you breakfast.

7:27am Toshi <3: Wear a light jacket, it's chilly.

The half of you that's still hurt over yesterday wants to tell him to shove breakfast up his ass, but then you realise something

You stare at your phone, deeply confused

Doesn't he have volleyball practice before school?

You get ready quickly, and sure enough, when you walk out of your door at exactly 8:00, Wakatoshi is there.

He's wearing his tracksuit and runners, and he hands you a paper bag from the conbini. There's an apple, a bag of grapes and onigiri. In his other hand he's holding a warm drink, written on the lid is your favourite, exactly how you like it

"I am taking you to the park."

You tilt your head up at him, confused

"don't you have volleyball practice?"

"I'm skipping. We are going to feed the ducks."

The idea of Ushijima Wakatoshi skipping volleyball practice stuns you into silence, and you simply follow his lead to the direction of the park, you walking and him doing some sort of ridiculous exercise thing that looks like it'd make you puke

When you get there, you're happy to find that your usual bench is empty.

Wakatoshi pulls a water bottle out of his ridiculously-deep men's tracksuit pockets while you take the bunch of grapes out of the bag, neatly dividing it in half. You decide to take the big half of the grape bunch for once, because he was being a jerk yesterday and you deserve to feed the ducks more than he does. You give him his half and you both start feeding the ducks in silence

After awhile, he decides to speak

"Tendou made me imagine something yesterday"

You turn to face him, but he's still looking at the ducks

"he told me to imagine my life if I'd never played volleyball"

He frowns

"he said to imagine everything about me was the same, except I never started playing. I found that it was difficult"

"there were many things I found I couldn't fill in, both in my life and in myself"

"but the worst part was imagining the future. I couldn't imagine a single thing to put in it"

"I wouldn't be able to live like that. To live every day and see blank spaces and uncertainties. It sounds terrible"

He pauses for a moment and you're like :/ wow king thanks for the pep talk

But he takes a deep breath and he continues

"I think, for a person to face that uncertainty and keep pushing forward, they would have to be exceptional"

Your head snaps to look at him so fast you almost get whiplash

Exceptional

There's a word that you've never used to describe yourself

"I think, that if I knew someone like that, I would tell them that they are strong in a way that I doubt I will ever be"

He finally turns to look at you, and you try your best to see him through the tears distorting your vision

"after awhile of thinking, I finally thought of something that I could put in that blank future. Would you like to know what it was?"

You just nod, not trusting your words. His big hands gently engulf your own and for a moment you're absolutely certain Ushijima Wakatoshi will be the death of you

"if I didn't have Volleyball, if I didn't have a single clue of what I could do with my future, if I still had you by my side, I think I would be alright"

One hit K.O.

He keeps going though, as if he didn't just kill you

"if you would have me, I'd like to be in your blank future. For as long as it takes for you to find your volleyball, I'll be there. If it's months or years or decades,"

"if decades pass and you never find your volleyball, I would still like to stay by your side. Maybe your volleyball is looking for volleyball?"

His face contorts in consideration of the idea, and you can't help but laugh wetly, your tears soaking into his jacket as you bury your face into his arm

He presses a soft kiss to your head

"I apologize for what I said last night. I didn't understand"

You only shake your head

You two sit in companionable silence for a little longer so you can eat your breakfast, then you both walk to second period hand in hand

It's only in the boredom of your math class that you realize the gravity of what your boyfriend had said to you in the park

11:08 you: Tendou

11:08 you: was I tripping

11:08 you: or did Wakatoshi /propose/ to me in the park today

Tendou is typing......

A/N: I've never posted this kind of stuff before so comments would really be appreciated! Like if there's something I could do to make my stuff easier to read or whatever I wanna hear it! Even if it's mean I promise I'll only cry a little

#ushijima x reader #haikyuu ushijima #ushijima scenarios #ushijima fic #ushijima wakatoshi #ushijima headcanons #ushijima x you #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #ushijima fluff #ushijima angst #haikyuu #Shiratorizawa #satori tendou #haikyuu satori #satori tendo #haikyuu smau #haikyuu headcanons #gender neutral reader