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zintranslations · 3 years

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Kaleidoscope of Death, Ch. 117

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates

Chapter 117: Are You Angry?

"So what about my stethoscope?"

Xiao Ji didn't seem scared at all of Lin Qiushi's suspicions, asking his question sharply in return.

"You used the stethoscope this morning, right?" Lin Qiushi asked.

Xiao Ji didn't answer yes or no; keenly, he'd detected that Lin Qiushi's question was a trap, so he didn't speak.

However, Xiao Mei sat beside him spoke up calmly: "Yes, he used the stethoscope to open a chest this morning. Someone else saw it too."

She pointed at a person in the crowd.

The person Xiao Mei was pointing to nodded, indicating that Xiao Mei wasn't lying.

"When I passed by the living room today I saw Xiao Ji opening a chest. He also used the stethoscope."

"Ah, so that means your stethoscope is currently operational?" Lin Qiushi said. "If there are no problems, may I have a look at it?"

With a scoff, Xiao Ji took the stethoscope from his neck and tossed it to Lin Qiushi.

"I'd like to see what you're trying to sell here."

Lin Qiushi took the stethoscope.

"Xiao Mei, you haven't eaten, right?"

Xiao Mei nodded, and spoke with indifference: "Yes. Xiao Ji heard a Hakobito yesterday, so I didn't eat anything."

This wasn't a strange turn of events, in fact was quite normal. The number of Hakobito had gradually increased, after all. It would be odder if, from the start until now, Xiao Ji had never encountered a Hakobito.

"Mh, if it can hear the Hakobito's movements, that means this stethoscope definitely works," Lin Qiushi said. "Let's give it a try then."

He put on the stethoscope and picked a random person beside him, pressing the stethoscope to his own chest[1]. As expected, the stethoscope that should've allowed him to hear something did not pick up any sounds; the end that went into the ears was completely silent.

"I can't hear anything," Lin Qiushi said. "You all can try it too."

He tossed the stethoscope to somebody else.

Another person picked up the stethoscope, and after carefully listening, confirmed that there was nothing audible inside.

Xiao Ji's expression went cold. He said, "you want me condemned based on just that?"

Lin Qiushi shrugged.

"Your stethoscope's broken, so how did you hear sounds from inside the chests?"

Xiao Ji lifted his chin.

"And here I thought you'd have some way to prove I'm guilty. Well sorry, but I've already tried it before. This stethoscope is special. It can't hear human heartbeats at all."

Lin Qiushi's lips curved up.

"Oh? You sure?"

Xiao Ji, "props inside the door are different from stuff outside to begin with. Yu Linlin, you're not thinking of besmirching me with this in order to take my stethoscope from me, are you?!"

He banged on the table violently, seemingly on the verge of a fit over being so wrongly accused.

Lin Qiushi asked, "you're sure that this stethoscope can't hear heartbeats, and that it's just a special item?"

"What? You saying you know my item better than me?"

Xiao Ji was locked in on this answer. After all, the stethoscope's always been on him. He could say whatever he wanted about it and nobody could do a thing.

But Lin Qiushi took the stethoscope back in hand with a sigh.

"What a shame. If you hadn't said that, I really don't know what I would've done."

And as he spoke, he began taking apart the stethoscope.

The earpieces on the stethoscope had metal rings that could be twisted off, with special sound-amplifying discs installed inside. However, when Lin Qiushi twisted one of the rings apart and removed the disc, everybody looking at the stethoscope grew shocked—because the space behind the disc had been stuffed with a wad of solid cotton, firmly blockading the path of sound transmission. Of course it hadn’t been able to hear a thing.

When Xiao Ji first saw the cotton, he froze. Then, expression drastically changing, he roared, "who said you could take my stethoscope apart—"

He lunged in front of Lin Qiushi, trying to take the stethoscope back, but Sun Yuanzhou, already standing ready beside him, held him back.

Xiao Ji saw that he could no longer get his hands on the stethoscope and began to cuss. It wasn’t difficult to see that the intensity of his reaction was weird.

Faced with Xiao Ji's threats and insults, Lin Qiushi remained impassive. He calmly removed the cotton and put the stethoscope back together. This time, with the stethoscope's amplifier placed on his chest, a heartbeat could be clearly and readily heard.

Lin Qiushi laughed, "this is what you used to distinguish whether a chest contained a box person? Very impressive."

Xiao Mei joined him with a sneer. Since the death of her lover, an irreversible change had taken place in her body that had completely expelled the awkwardness and timidity of a newbie and made her incomparably cold.

When he saw such an interaction between Lin Qiushi and Xiao Mei, Xiao Ji finally cottoned on, shooting Xiao Mei a vicious glare.

"You betrayed me?" he spat. "Fucking bitch—you stuffed my stethoscope with cotton?!"

Xiao Mei's arms wrapped around her chest as she watched Xiao Ji coolly.

"And what if I did?"

"Why the fuck did you sell me out??" Xiao Ji asked. "I'm the one who helped you kill Wei Xiude—"

At this, Xiao Mei began to laugh, loud and hard enough for tears to fall. She wiped the corners of her eyes and said, "are you that simple? You helped me? Weren't you just helping yourself? Besides…"

Her voice grew brutal, and her tone was like it wanted to tear a piece skin off Xiao Ji's body itself.

"The Hako Onna killed my lover, and you're working with her?! You deserve to die!!"

Xiao Ji was panting, so angry that his eyes went red.

In order to prevent him from getting away, someone else fetched ropes and tied him down. Lin Qiushi put the stethoscope back together and set it on the table.

"Anything else you'd like to say?" he asked.

Xiao Ji gritted his teeth, and sneered.

"Hah, so what if it was me? Kill me if you can."

He truly hadn't been relying on the stethoscope to determine whether or not there were people in the chests, because he was required to open three chests per day and could only listen to the Hako Onna's directions when doing so in order to avoid any errors.

If he hadn't told them that the chest Xiao Mei wanted to open yesterday contained a Hakobito, he might have been able to make an argument for himself. The way things looked now though, these people seemed to have suspected him for a very long time.

"What a shame. You really think I can’t kill you?" Lin Qiushi stood up and walked in front of Xiao Ji, head down and staring. "There will be plenty of ways."

Xiao Ji first shivered at Lin Qiushi's gaze, but then grew angry at his own reaction. Teeth bared, he laughed,

"Hahahah, you're pathetic too! So what if you kill me? If you kill me your lover's going to come back to life? She's already dead—she died last night, the Hako Onna killed her—didn't you want to ask where the fire extinguisher is? Let me tell you, I was the one who hid it. I hid it in a chest, and so none of you will ever find it!"

Before Lin Qiushi could even move, Xiao Mei's foot came flying in from the side. She kicked Xiao Ji straight to the ground, and then ground Xiao Ji's hand viciously underfoot.

"It's all your fault," she screamed, "it's your fault he's dead. You're the monster, you're the monster who sided with the demons!! Die!!”

"Xiao Mei, calm down!" Sun Yuanzhou rushed to grab hold of her, worried that she was going to do something out of control. Though it'd be a way to get the anger out, she'd pay for it with her life.

"I know." Xiao Mei halted, and spoke icily: "I know. I won't die. I'm going to live. I'm going to live for him."

Reaching up, she wiped away her tears, and her tone went quiet.

"I was supposed to be the one who opened that chest…"

When he heard her, however, Xiao Ji only started laughing—big hearty hahaha’s. He turned to Lin Qiushi with malice in his gaze and horrible words at the ready, planning on further provoking these two about their dead lovers, when there came the sound of light footsteps at the door, followed by a laughing voice that said:

"Who told you I was dead?"

Everyone jolted and looked up toward the door—they saw that Ruan Nanzhu, who should have died the night before, had appeared before them. Ruan Nanzhu looked back at everyone with a smile, slowly trodding before Lin Qiushi before saying: "Honey, I'm home."

Lin Qiushi looked at him and didn't speak.

While he didn't answer, Xiao Ji began a piercing scream: "No way, no way, how could you have survived—No way!!"

Killing Ruan Nanzhu had been his most successful move. Not only had he buried the key, but he had also destroyed an item that could kill the Hako Onna. But this person who should've died had suddenly appeared before him, whole and hale!

"Kiddo, you want to know why veterans don't like jumping newbies through too many doors?" Ruan Nanzhu was watching him with eyes full of pity. "Because only by passing the previous doors do us veterans get the cards up our sleeves. You really think all those doors are for nothing?"

Lin Qiushi stood next to Ruan Nanzhu, sizing up the person beside him. He spotted a red circle newly marking Ruan Nanzhu's wrist—it looked as if it had been tattooed on, and made for a particularly piercing sight on the pale skin.

"Take a look. Aren't I perfectly fine?" Ruan Nanzhu spoke to Xiao Ji. "Are you surprised? Is your mind blown?"

Xiao Ji trembled, so angry he could pass out.

"Holy fuck Zhu Meng, how the hell did you survive!" When she saw Ruan Nanzhu, Liang Miye too was astonished. Now she was asking the question everybody wanted to ask. "You, weren't you…"

"I told you, I've got cards up my sleeve," Ruan Nanzhu said. "No need to worry…"

He peered at Lin Qiushi as he spoke, but found Lin Qiushi utterly expressionless and ignoring him completely—and in his mind he began to curse.

"Let's get the fire extinguisher's location out of him first," Lin Qiushi said. "That's more important."

"Let me do it," Xiao Mei spoke warmly, twirling at a strand of hair by her ear. "I guarantee that when I get the answer from him, he'll still be alive."

"What are you going to do?!" Xiao Ji was terrified by the look in Xiao Mei's eyes, and began to cuss again, a whole series of really bad words. When Xiao Mei seemed unmoved, he tried appealing to pathos once more: "Xiao Mei, I really do like you! Or I wouldn't have helped you kill Wei Xiude!"

But Xiao Mei only laughed.

"Hah, kill Wei Xiude?" She spoke without much emotion at all. "Of course a dumb newbie would be easier to control than a wily veteran. Plus, I don't believe you would've let me go."

Since Xiao Ji and the Hako Onna had come to an arrangement, he definitely would've killed everybody else inside the door in order to prevent the Hako Onna from going back on her word, so he'd be protected by the rule of the doors. Xiao Mei would've really been stupid if she'd believed his nonsense.

This, Xiao Mei was quite clear on. It was also why she chose to cooperate with Lin Qiushi.

After that, Xiao Mei looked toward Ruan Nanzhu.

"I really thought you were dead."

Ruan Nanzhu just smiled, noncommittal.

After that, other people began interrogating Xiao Ji about the location of the hidden fire extinguisher. Lin Qiushi sat at the side, not saying much. As a matter of fact ever since Ruan Nanzhu returned, Lin Qiushi hadn't said anything to him at all.

Ruan Nanzhu was still smiling and teasing Lin Qiushi at first. Only a bit later did he realize something was wrong, and quickly called Lin Qiushi outside for them to speak alone.

Lin Qiushi followed Ruan Nanzhu impassively out to a side room and said, "go ahead. What did you want to say?"

"Linlin, are you angry?" Ruan Nanzhu made that pretty face of his all sad and pitiful as he whimpered, "don't be angry with me, please?"

Truthfully, on any other day, Lin Qiushi's anger likely wouldn't have lasted after seeing Ruan Nanzhu like this. But today, he only huffed once, unfeeling and equivocal.

"Linlin, Linlin…" Ruan Nanzhu said. "Don't be angry anymore, I feel so bad when I see you’re upset."

He took Lin Qiushi's hands and carefully pecked at the corners of Lin Qiushi's mouth.

"Please?"

Lin Qiushi was unmoved.

"Let me just ask you one question."

Ruan Nanzhu, "mh."

Lin Qiushi, "were you sure you'd survive?"

Ruan Nanzhu said, "of course I was s—"

But before he'd even finished speaking Lin Qiushi cut him off—and with suppressed rage on the brink of breaking through the dam, Lin Qiushi called out Ruan Nanzhu's full name.

"Ruan Nanzhu, after all that, you're still going to fucking lie to me?!"

"Linlin, I really did have a way out," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Remember the 'Humans as Mirror" door, when I gave you that red bracelet inside? That bracelet can offset three supernatural attacks…"

He held out his wrist, showing Lin Qiushi that bright red mark on his arm.

"See? Aren't I perfectly fine?"

As he spoke, he smiled cajolingly at Lin Qiushi. But at this explanation, Lin Qiushi only scoffed.

"If you really knew you were going to live, would you have put the key and wooden stake together?" He grew angrier and angrier, until his last words were basically suppressed shouting. "You're just going to play me like I'm some kind of idiot?"

Ruan Nanzhu wanted to explain further, but Lin Qiushi was done listening. He said, "we'll talk about this more outside. I'm not in a good mood right now, if we keep talking, I really will get angry with you."

After that, he turned and left, giving Ruan Nanzhu no further opportunity to explain himself.

Ruan Nanzhu groaned without sound.

Back then, Lin Qiushi had really thought Ruan Nanzhu was done for. It wasn't until he heard Ruan Nanzhu's farewell—"Yu Linlin, I love you"—that Lin Qiushi came to knowledge. He'd understood in a split instant.

If Ruan Nanzhu really thought he was going to die, then when he gave his last confession, he would've at least called out Lin Qiushi's real name, not "Yu Linlin."

Lin Qiushi, once he understood everything, had steadied his crumbling emotional state. He also took all his fury for Ruan Nanzhu and buried it deep within himself.

On the other end, the interrogation had yielded results—Xiao Ji told them where the fire extinguisher was hidden. As for what method Xiao Mei used, Lin Qiushi didn't ask. He wasn't kind enough to forgive somebody who almost got Ruan Nanzhu killed; not taking care of Xiao Ji himself had been his last act of tolerance.

Xiao Ji confessed to everything. He said that immediately after he got here, he'd made a deal with the Hako Onna. He’d gotten a lot luckier than the dead Tian Guxue; the moment he entered the door he'd received the item set on the table and also the hidden rulebook.

Of course, to prevent other people from suspecting him, he'd hidden the item in one of the chests in the living room. Then, after reading the rulebook, he'd put the rulebook away in a corner of the dining room.

After that, Xiao Ji opened three chests in a row before everybody's eyes. He'd opened up the item and one of the Hako Onna's powers to boot.

As for Tian Guxue, she was entirely a smokescreen that the Hako Onna cooked up. Back when Ruan Nanzhu was having suspicions about Tian Guxue, he'd felt something was off, because Tian Guxue hadn't seem anywhere clever enough to be a competent partner. Sure enough, right behind her had been the better player Xiao Ji, who'd been so much better that nobody even suspected him.

But when the unexpected happened to Ruan Nanzhu, it prompted Lin Qiushi to start thinking about all this. He contacted Xiao Mei in private and got her to tamper with Xiao Ji's stethoscope. Then he'd gotten quite lucky—Xiao Ji immediately exposed himself and allowed Lin Qiushi to confirm that he was the mole.

Everything had gone smoothly, aside from the person who'd lied to him.

Ruan Nanzhu—he must have already guessed there was a second mole. He'd even predicted that the second mole would target him, and in order to leave Lin Qiushi out of danger, he’d hidden everything and directed two of Hako Onna's powers onto himself. The reality was that everything Ruan Nanzhu did bore risk; even if he'd been eighty percent sure the bracelet could weather damage from the Hako Onna, there was still that twenty percent uncertainty. That was why he decided to leave behind the key and item, shutting himself up alone in Tian Guxue's room.

Lin Qiushi understood all the logic, but he still couldn't control his anger. The moment he thought about Ruan Nanzhu dying alone in that room without even a body to recover, he found it so damn difficult to bear.

"Are you two alright?" When the two came back out, the peculiar atmosphere between them was worrying, so Liang Miye asked a quiet word or two.

"We're fine," Lin Qiushi answered coolly. "What could possibly be wrong?"

Liang Miye, "…" Y'all sure don't look fine. And this was the first time she's seen such an ingratiating expression on Ruan Nanzhu's face.

"Baby are you hungry?"

"No."

"Baby are you thirsty?"

"No."

"Baby—"

"Don't call me baby."

"Linlin…"

"Shut up."

The above was their dialogue, and everyone around them listening in began to look queer; Sun Yuanzhou forced down a laugh and cleared his throat a couple of times before saying you two sure are cute together, but this was no time to flirt. Let's talk about the matter of the Hako Onna first.

How to get the items, how to kill the Hako Onna and get out of here—these were the most important matters at hand.

"We have at most six days," Ruan Nanzhu said. "After six days, the Hako Onna can probably activate 'I'm Behind You' again. If we're not out by then…well, we might never get out."

"The item we have right now that can kill the Hako Onna is the wooden stake. Once we figure out the Hako Onna's location we can hit her with it, and for her to use a power, she has to cry." Sun Yuanzhou too had straightened out his thoughts. "As long as we wait…"

"That's right," Ruan Nanzhu said. "But the stake can only be used once, and if we use it in the wrong place, we'll have lost a critical opportunity." The wooden stake had to be used prior to opening a chest. He continued, "I haven't used the gasoline we put through the door either. This is also a key item."

"Mh, we just don't know if there's any notable difference between the Hako Onna's chest and the Hakobito’s," Lin Qiushi said. "If the stethoscope can tell the difference between those two, that's for the best. If it can't, then things will be a bit more difficult."

By the current look of things, when the Hako Onna cried, they could only confirm which room she was in, not which specific chest.

So there was still risk in it for them.

"Finding more items would be safer," Ruan Nanzhu said, "but time isn't waiting for us."

Everybody began to ponder the matter.

Today, the Hako Onna seemed to have realized that things weren't looking good, and so didn't use a power or cry aloud. Lin Qiushi could only confirm the Hako Onna was on the first floor, but didn't know a more concrete location.

If the Hako Onna didn't cry, then they could make no progress. They could only wait.

While they waited, Ruan Nanzhu brazenly kept trying to make conversation with Lin Qiushi. At first, Lin Qiushi answered on and off, but after he grew annoyed he didn't even bother replying, just kept his head down and played with his phone.

A resentful expression appeared on Ruan Nanzhu's face; he wanted to be the thing held in Lin Qiushi's hand.

Liang Miye spectated their interactions and held back laughter from the sidelines. Obsidian Leader Ruan Nanzhu was so austere and cold outside the door—who knew he'd be like this inside? Of course, she didn't dare laugh out loud, because if she irritated Ruan Nanzhu and got him truly angry…She wasn't about to get the same treatment as Lin Qiushi.

Lin Qiushi was clearly still angry, and it wasn't just any small upset.

Seeing him like this, Ruan Nanzhu was troubled. He thought that if he couldn't even get Lin Qiushi to come around with an advantage as huge as Zhu Meng inside the door, then it'd be even harder outside the door.

And so going to sleep at night, Ruan Nanzhu crept his way into Lin Qiushi's bed.

"Linlin, I'm scared." The person before him stared with big, dark, beautiful eyes, watching Lin Qiushi all innocently. "Will you sleep with me please?"

Lin Qiushi was impassive: "You're scared?"

Ruan Nanzhu, "yeah."

"That's great. I'm scared too."

With that he got up, leaving Ruan Nanzhu on the bed, and switched over to Ruan Nanzhu's bed.

Ruan Nanzhu, "…" Oh crap, oh crap, his dearest Linlin was actually angry, and of the type that couldn't even be sweet-talked.

Author's Note:

Ruan Nanzhu: Are you angry?

Lin Qiushi: No.

Ruan Nanzhu: Are you angry?

Lin Qiushi: No.

Ruan Nanzhu: Are y—

Lin Qiushi: Ask me again and I will kill you.

Ruan Nanzhu: _(:з」∠)_

The Daily Life of Popuruan and Pipilin[2] hahahaha

Translator’s Note:

That’s definitely what the Chinese said so I’m wondering if there’s a typo. LQS grabbed someone in the group, but put the stethoscope to his own chest and listened to the stethoscope himself.

“The Daily Life of Popuko and Pipimi” is the Chinese title of Pop Team Epic

[Ch. 116] | [Ch. 118]

#kaleidoscope of death #xi zixu #cnovel #chinese translation #死亡萬花筒 #ready?

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kaesnpoint-art · 3 years

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This is my art account but I really want to talk about this and most my JRWI stuff is here so here’s a ramble about Chip’s character:

You know I’m planning on doing a storyboard on episode 41 of riptide and I’m just listening to the audio over and over and the bit where Ollie goes

“Yeah my mother would not recognize me.”

Chip so broken, so barely holding on by a thread, so shaky just goes

“Yeah—no—I, uh...”

The way he’s wracked with guilt over all of this stuff and after listening to him talk about Arlin and being on the Black Rose Ship merely seconds before, part of my brain latched onto something that I don’t think Bizly intended but...

Man hearing Ollie talk about his mother who he hasn’t seen in so long and how she wouldn’t recognize what he looks like now. Can’t help but imagine Chip thinking about what Arlin would think of him now or if he would even recognize him.

Chip then thinking about how his only familial member also went fucking missing and he is still looking for him to this day. He’s able to sympathize so much more with Ollie’s mother, a woman he has never even met than Ollie in that moment and he pulls him into a hug because he calls this boy his son, he is wracked with guilt for doing what he did to him (I could get into how the compass being trusted to Ollie is like the coin being trusted to Chip when he was younger but I’m not gonna do that rn).

Chip is so critically aware in that moment of how much of a screw up he is. He realizes that he is not the type of person that people look up like he did with Arlin, at least in his own eyes. He is not nearly close to the image in his head of what it means to be a pirate and it’s clear from his interactions with Lizzie but Ollie just goes far enough to show it.

But the one line from that episode that HAUNTS ME that I’ve seen maybe one person talk about:

“I’m not a good captain I’m barely even a good person!”

This scene is such a good pivotal moment for Chip’s character and I haven’t said anything about it because I wanted to see how Bizly was gonna handle Chip from that point forward and so far I love it.

Chip is surrounded by Jay, a navy girl that he helped escape her shitty familial situation to help rebel against the navy and everything. She tags along with things he does for certain but also calls him out on his bullshit behavior which is something he brushes off most the time but also he goes back to Jay to almost have her call him out on his bullshit, seeing how far he can push until she tells him to quit it or just even better, stops caring about what he’s doing.

Then there’s Gillion Tidestrider, the pinnacle of goodness and heroics. Gil has challenged Chip from the start in a lot of different ways but definitely ideologically. They are always butting heads on what boundaries to cross and what not to, the way they handle enemies is the clearest definition of this. His good natured fishman who literally almost killed him wasn’t enough to have him take a look at his behavior completely though.

It takes this child being affected by HIS actions and recklessness, EXCLUSIVELY to finally say something he knew for a long time out loud.

But moving forward I love that Chip has been trying to play into more good things because deep down he IS A GOOD PERSON! He doesn’t like killing people, when thieving it is to ensure the least amount of damage to those less fortunate, he wants to help people who are hurt or sick. He is a good person at the end of the day but he FINALLY wants to try to lean into it.

The scene of him on the ship checking in on the sick in episode 42 I think it is melts my heart because he tries he really tries, when they make it to the city of steam and he immediately talks about stealing from the rich in order to help the orphanage because DUH chip is gonna care about kids. It makes me so happy that Chip is just being himself after seeing Elizabeth after so long and potentially irreversibly messing up Ollie.

I just appreciate the way Chip’s character is growing and how he’s getting better at being a captain and friend to Gil and Jay. All of the characters are coming to their own, Jay’s decisiveness is great too in recent sessions and Gillion kind of leaning into more mischievous activities are amazing things to see!!

Anyway I very much appreciate the growth and rp these boys are providing!

#jrwi riptide #jrwi Chip #jrwi show #character analysis #not art #long post

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facialteeth · 3 years

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Good Things Fall Apart | Ao3.

TW: MCD, Bodies, Necromancy, Dark Fic.

Jonathan was not meant to be loved. Sebastian was not meant to be dead. Both could be true. If something that was not meant to occur had to happen, Jonathan would choose the one in which Sebastian had not died for no reason. Obviously.

This is my ‘New Years Eve’ square for @shadowhunterbingo.

Jonathan was not meant to be loved. That was the resounding thought in his head as he was kneeling on the cold pavement. He was never intended to be loved by anyone and so, the universe had to rectify the situation. There was no part of Jonathan that could entertain the thought that things like this just happened sometimes. There was no part of him that could consider rationally that shadowhunters died quite often and that even if this particular shadowhunter meant a lot to Jonathan, that didn’t mean it was his fault that this happened.

It didn’t matter. Jonathan was never meant to be loved. He’d known that from the day he could remember blinking into existence. He’d known it before he’d known anything else about the world around him. He was Jonathan Morgenstern and he was not meant to be loved. So, why then had he allowed Sebastian Verlac to love him? Why had he let it happen? Why didn’t he stop him? Why didn’t he stay far away, like he’d first wanted to?

Jonathan wanted to go back to that first day he’d let Sebastian in. He wanted to go back to whatever moment they’d met for the first time and Sebastian had seen something in him, something that made him try for so long to get Jonathan to let him in. Jonathan wanted to go back and do anything to make sure Sebastian knew that whatever he’d seen in Jonathan didn’t exist. He wanted to do whatever he could to make him well aware of who exactly he was because whatever Sebastian had seen in him, whatever he’d seen that made him love him, was not real.

Sebastian believed in a myth. He’d believed in some version of Jonathan that did not exist and Jonathan regretted every moment he’d spent letting himself love Sebastian in return instead of doing everything he could to shatter the illusion Sebastian believed in, the one that had inevitably led to this.

Jonathan’s fingers curled around Sebastian’s arm. He wasn’t even sure how long he’d been kneeling there, unmoving, hardly even breathing. Long enough that the blood splattered across his legs was cold and hard. Long enough that Sebastian’s body was cold and hard in his grasp.

Jonathan was never intended to be loved but Sebastian had loved him anyway and now, he was dead for it. Jonathan could see the two paths laid out in front of him. In one, he gathered Sebastian into his arms and he made his way to the Institute, where he’d lay Sebastian down for one last time and leave him so his body could be prepared for the wake. He’d stand dressed in shadowhunter white and he’d say Sebastian’s name before Sebastian’s body was consumed by fire and returned to the earth.

That was the path Sebastian would want him to take. That was the path he’d expect Jonathan to take because of whatever twisted view he had of who Jonathan really was but that was not what Jonathan was going to do. Jonathan gathered Sebastian into his arms. He turned around and started walking as far away from the Institute as he could. For now, he needed somewhere cold and he needed to get there fast.

Jonathan was well aware how quickly decomposition set in.

Sebastian’s body was in an ice chest, which gave Jonathan all the time he needed. By now, the Institute was well aware he’d gone awol. They’d notice Sebastian missing too. They might have figured out that Sebastian was dead, with the help of a warlock but they might not have bothered. Perhaps, they’d assumed both of them had skirted their duties and gone off together.

It wouldn’t be an unreasonable assumption to make, if Sebastian wasn’t the type of person who’d never avoid his duties in that way. Regardless, Jonathan didn’t care what the Institute assumed. He wasn’t going back. Sebastian wasn’t either.

He’d never been meant for a normal life of fighting demons anyway. He’d tried for so long to make it work and when Sebastian came along, he’d deluded himself into thinking he could do it but now, he knew that wasn’t the case.

The Institute could burn for all he cared. He was done with it. He was done with all of that. They both were.

Alone, Jonathan got to work.

Jonathan wasn’t officially on a schedule or in any rush. Once someone was dead, they were dead. It didn’t exactly matter when you resurrected them, as long as you preserved their body, which Jonathan had taken care of. Though, Jonathan did have a specific day in mind.

See, New Years was coming up. Jonathan had ever held the holiday any closer to his heart than he did any other holiday that he did not celebrate and did not care about but Sebastian had liked New Years. They had plans on New Years. They were going to take the evening off and they were going to curl up together and spend some time alone as the year rolled over into a new one.

Jonathan intended to make their date. Something as stupid as Sebastian dying was not going to interrupt their plans. Anyone normal would consider this an unshakable hurtle but Jonathan was never a normal person. Jonathan had been to hell and back. He’d been raised around demons, who considered death an irritating happenstance instead of the final irreversible thing mundanes thought of it as.

See, Jonathan understood death the way that no mundane ever could. Death was not final. Death was not irreversible. You could bring someone back, if you knew how to do it and Jonathan was lucky enough to know how to do it - in theory at least. He’d never had to do it himself and he’d never considered he’d care about someone enough to want to do it but here he was, trying to raise his boyfriend back from the dead after he’d so rudely left Jonathan alone despite promising that he would never do any such thing.

It was Jonathan’s fault that Sebastian was dead and he was going to fix it. Had Sebastian been there, he probably would have gently tried to convince Jonathan that he could do no such thing. He’d talk softly about the natural order of things and how terrifyingly wrong things could go, if Jonathan went through with what he wanted to do.

Perhaps then, Jonathan would have listened. Sebastian might have been able to get through to him. He’d always been so good at explaining to Jonathan why the way he considered things might not be the most accurate or acceptable way to think of them but Sebastian wasn’t there to do so now.

Sebastian was dead and that was not going to do at all. Jonathan didn’t even consider not doing it. Why would he?

New Years Eve came quicker than Jonathan had thought it would. He’d never been that good at keeping a schedule. Before, Sebastian had to start making Jonathan come to bed with him every night, otherwise he’d stay awake until the sun rose and not even notice. Without Sebastian there to coax him to sleep, Jonathan found himself staying up all night and day.

He had stuff to do. He had someone to bring back. He did not have time to sleep all day. He’d sleep later, when Sebastian was there to invite him into the soft touch of his bed. Jonathan missed Sebastian’s soft fingers. He missed the feeling of Sebastian’s hair brushing across his face as he curled into Sebastian’s neck. Jonathan had never liked cuddling before Sebastian. He’d never had anyone to cuddle with truthfully but even if he had, he didn’t think he’d have enjoyed it with anyone but him.

There was a lot that Jonathan only enjoyed with Sebastian. Sebastian had opened Jonathan up to a whole world that he wouldn’t have known was there unless he’d met him.

Jonathan needed him back and yet, he regretted ever letting them get close. It was discordant and Jonathan found himself as he often had with Sebastian - confused. It was his fault that Sebastian was dead but Jonathan could see now that it didn’t matter. Who cared that he’d die? Why did it matter?

Jonathan was going to bring him back and everything would be exactly the way it was before. The fact that he’d even been upset that Sebastian died all seemed a little ridiculous now. It was just another example of Jonathan letting himself get overwhelmed around Sebastian. Around Sebastian, reason left Jonathan. Emotions clouded him.

Truthfully, this forced space between them both might have been a good thing. It gave Jonathan the chance to look beyond Sebastian and think rationally for one of the first times since he’d let Sebastian in.

Jonathan was never meant to be loved. Maybe, that’s why he lost sight of everything else so easily around Sebastian. He wasn’t made to be loved and yet, with Sebastian he was.

It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. It was almost New Years and soon, Sebastian would be back. Jonathan was not meant to be loved. Sebastian was not meant to be dead. Both could be true. If something that was not meant to occur had to happen, Jonathan would choose the one in which Sebastian had not died for no reason.

Obviously.

Jonathan waited until it was nearly midnight to start. There was no real reason to wait until then, other than the fact that raising Sebastian at midnight the day they’d intended to be together felt fitting. Jonathan had considered doing it earlier that same day, so Sebastian would have time to ease back into being alive before midnight struck but in the end, there was something about doing it at midnight that stuck Jonathan as right and well.

Maybe, he didn’t have a good reason to do it at midnight but regardless, he waited until then and when it was nearly midnight, Jonathan decided to start. He’d pulled Sebastian out of the freezer hours before and he’d laid him out on a blanket on the floor to dethaw.

He didn’t exactly want to bring Sebastian back to life frozen. That sounded exceptionally unpleasant and he wanted this entire occurrence to be as pleasant for Sebastian as possible.

It took a few hours for Sebastian’s body to dethaw enough for Jonathan to feel comfortable proceeding and by then, it was almost time anyway. Jonathan felt like this had all worked out perfectly. It was nearly midnight on New Year's Eve. Sebastian was ready. Jonathan had everything he needed.

It was perfect. The only thing Jonathan had to do was the ritual and then, Sebastian would be alive again and the world would be set right. Maybe, Jonathan could come up with some other thing he could use to bargain for the fact that Sebastian loved him despite the fact that he shouldn’t. The world had wanted to take Sebastian away for it but that was not acceptable. Jonathan would come up with something else. He’d give something else, anything else.

Sebastian was not going to be dead and hopefully after he woke up, Sebastian would understand why Jonathan had to bring him back. He might not agree but hopefully, he’d understand. If not, maybe Sebastian’s hatred of him would be his repayment.

Jonathan couldn’t quite say he’d be undeserving of Sebastian’s hatred. He wasn’t sure why Sebastian ever liked him in the first place. Perhaps, doing this would set everything right. Sebastian would be alive and Jonathan would be alone.

Maybe that was the way things had always meant to be.

Jonathan stopped thinking about it. He’d see soon. For now, he had a date that he intended to keep.

#I'm so sorry for anyone with notifications on for my fics alkshalkhd #Bingo will be done this week and my frantic uploading will end #jonathan morgenstern #sebastian verlac #dark fic #mcd #tw #necromancy #bodies

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justarandomsideblog · 3 years

Text

Okay I admit it I'm obsessed, just more Winged!Fundy AU stuffs

-Most of canon is side-stepped, using rough elements as a guideline (L'Manburg was a thing, it had its revolution, the 16th and doomsday, Wilbur died, Fundy and Phil are estranged/disowned, Fundy has his prophetic dreams which jumpstart his godly magic, etc) but Fundy is around the same age as Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo are physically (the former of the two being immortals and the latter having a naturally long lifespan), and it takes place in a world where the nuke wasn't stolen and Quackity gets to be happy okay. Fundy is still being haunted by his dreams and begins to suffer from derealization, though I have no intention of going into details about it.

-Dream himself is mortal and isn't the big bad, but DreamXD, his twin/doppelganger is a god of chaos and is the main antagonist, and Dream is working for DreamXD. DreamXD has noticed Fundy's powers awakening.

-Phil is one of a handful of Angels of Death, having been created by Death through magic. He is technically Death's son, and if Death ever falls is the next choice to become the god of Death. He is technically a god, but as the son of a god and having wings he is referred to more often as an angel. Wilbur and Tommy are his biological sons, though they have different mothers (who are mortal and lived roughly 100 years apart). So technically all three of them are Angels of Death, and all their wings are made of magic.

-Wilbur manifested his godly magic when he was 3, and had Phil there to guide him through it so that growing his wings wouldn't hurt. His wings were pepper gray and white, but when he was still a small child he had a traumatic accident that irreversibly damaged his wings, and his wings were magically removed since leaving them be would have caused more problems.

-Tommy was barely 6 months old when he manifested his godly magic and grew his wings, taking both Phil and Wil by surprise. His wings are pure gold, a stark contrast to his father and brother. He still has them, but he started hiding them when he got involved in wars since they would become a target for the enemy.

-Angels have a special magic called an Angel's Bond, where they can, only once in their lives, share a bond with a mortal and extend their immortal life to them. There's different kinds of bonds this can fall under, though the most common are familial bonds, often between a mortal who was taken in by gods or angels. It ties that mortal's life to the angel's, and until the angel dies the mortal cannot die and will only age at the same rate as the angel.

-Techno and Tubbo are Phil's adopted children. Techno was found as a young Piglin in the nether, and he was roughly the same age as Wilbur. Phil ended up using his Angel's Bond with Techno. Tommy brought Tubbo home one day, Tubbo an orphan trying to get by in the forest, and Phil welcomed Tubbo into their home. Tommy ended up using his Angel's Bond with Tubbo after finding out that Tubbo's going to grow old and die before Tommy ever even reached adulthood. Phil has concerns about Tommy using his One and Only bond so young, but it can't be reversed so...

-Sally is the daughter of a god, and was created through magic. She has many sisters. Their mother calls themself Mother Nature, even though they are more accurately Life (versus Phil's father being Death) and Fundy is the actual embodiment of Nature, being the one and only descendant of Life and Death.

-Wilbur and Sally knew each other were angels/spirits/the children of gods, and they knew they were the children of opposite gods, meaning that their love was technically a forbidden love as life and death magic was never meant to mix. They fell in love anyways, and though the god of Life disapproved, they just sat back and watched. Sally actually couldn't have kids, being a product of pure magic, and ended up asking Life for help, and in the process made a deal; she and Wilbur got to have a kid and in exchange, they could never awaken the kid's magic (thus, these two immortals' son would be doomed to mortality) and Sally had to return to the sea after the kid turned 5. Oh, and Sally had to take a different form after being pregnant because Life did not want their grandchild to appear human. Yea Life's a sick fuck. Wilbur actually wanted to disagree but Sally wanted to have a kid biologically (they did raise several adopted kids which was very fulfilling but Sally just... wanted to have a baby, idk why, couldn't be me) so she agreed. Wilbur cried the day he came in for breakfast to find his wife had transformed into a fox woman cause he knew the timer had begun.

-They didn't tell anyone, not even Fundy, who they intended to raise as a mortal. They took away all magic from their house and told Fundy that Wil was a musician and Sally was an accountant. It was after Sally disappeared that Wilbur built L'Manburg's walls.

-Wilbur managed to keep Fundy from manifesting his magic all throughout his childhood and teenagehood, and he never found out that Fundy figured out astral projection and shapeshifting. After Wilbur died, however, Fundy began exploring a little more and ended up discovering some of his other powers (prophetic dreams/dreamwalking, being able to mold the world around him to a degree, things like that) and Ghostbur didn't remember enough to keep an eye on him. Phil had no idea, since Wilbur never told him, he never met Sally and Fundy hadn't manifested his magic when Phil was around. This time, where Fundy is completely alone and has all the time to himself, is when he begins manifesting the magic his parents had tried so hard to keep him from manifesting, and it's when the phantom pains from wings that hadn't grown yet began. It is a PAINFUL process to grow wings, even magically, because it comes from under the skin/attaches to muscle and bone, and since he has no older or more experienced Angel with him he has no one to help him or guide him...

-Ranboo is there when Fundy's wings grow, a very traumatizing moment for both of them (blood and Fundy definitely passes out and all that fun stuff), and manages to convince Fundy to not immediately try to chop them off with an axe (Fundy was panicking) but Fundy refused to go to Phil or Tommy because he has Issues(TM). Namely, he didn't want his family to decide he's suddenly worth loving because it turns out he's just like them after all. In fact, he's terrified that if they find out, he can never have a relationship with them because he'll never be sure if they love him or just love that he's like them. He wants to be loved for who he is, not what he is...

-On the other hand, Phil and Techno threaten to kill Dream when Dream shows interest (/p) in Fundy, and Phil tells him to "stay the hell away from my grandson" because even if he's angry about the whole Butcher Army thing, still, he is NOT about to let some cretin near his grandson. They do love him. They're just mad and waiting for a proper apology. (Phil, of course, does not know Fundy is more god than mortal so the idea of him manifesting death magic and growing wings doesn't even cross his mind, and doesn't know he let Fundy go through the wing growing process all by himself.)

-Funboo (/p) shenanigans as they try to hide the existence of Fundy's wings from literally everyone else. Tommy and Tubbo finding out in possibly the worst way possible. Tommy freaking out because Fundy A) went through that painful and traumatic process without another angel there to help, B) is trying to teach himself how to fly and use magic, and C) didn't feel like he could go to his own family about this thing that everyone in their family has gone through.

-Emotional family shit as Tommy realizes just how alone and isolated Fundy felt, not even willing to go to his own family to learn more about his magic? Learn how to fly?

-Enter Tommy&Tubbo&Fundy&Ranboo (/p ofc) shenanigans as they, very specifically, try to hide this from Phil, Techno, Ghostbur and anyone else they think might even possibly let it spill to them. Also Tommy taking over teaching Fundy about his magic and flying, because "no offence Ranboo but this is very different from enderman stuff"

-Fundy trying to come to terms with the fact that his family's perception of him won't change just because it turns out he's not mortal

-Fundy figuring out how to astral project right out of the mortal plane and talk to his father in the afterlife. It's tense ofc their last meeting was not a good one but Fundy needs answers because nothing's adding up....

#Fundy #DSMP AU #Winged!Fundy AU #I might add more later but it's almost midnight and I have work in the morning #Also it's super annoying that I need to add /p to every relationship tag so people realize I'm not a sicko #Not tagging the other characters cuz I don't wanna clog up their tags #but yes I love SBI+Tubbo+Fundy+Ranboo sue me

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janekfan · 4 years

Note

hi mom. sorry i havent talked with you much recently but ive definitely been following ur stuff (which youve probably noticed). ive been extremely busy with much longer work hours, sometimes needing to find a place to hide so i can plop down and pass out for a few minutes. if you wanna write something regarding that, however you want to, it would bring me a lot of comfort ♡

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26659246

For @flame-cat my child! I’m so very proud of you! I hope this fits :) I can always try again <3 <3 <3

Jon lifted his head, groggy and sore, from the surface of his messy desk, a spare post it stuck to his cheek. He blinked hard, rubbing the sleep from his stinging, burning eyes and peeled away the paper to slip it back into the folder. Ever since his promotion he’d been burning the candle at both ends in an attempt to balance all of the new responsibilities despite not having any of the relevant experience. Sasha would have been a much better choice and for the life of him, Jon couldn’t figure out Elias’ game. How did having a bumbling, idiot Archivist benefit him in any way?

He rubbed his temples, cursing the persistent ache. Barely getting through a statement a week already felt like running a marathon every time, leaving him exhausted and irritable and the worst part about it all was not being able to ask for help. He’d thought. Well. He’d though having Tim and Sasha accompany him would make the whole thing a little more bearable. They were friends. Friends took care of each other and they understood it wasn’t his decision, right? That he’d tried to argue his way out of it, tried to explain that he wasn’t the person for this job.

He was probably being sensitive. They had responsibilities. They were busy.

It’s not all about you, Jon.

But he was so lonely.

Tired.

And it only became worse as the weeks went on though he didn’t know how bad it had gotten until one of the library staff poked him awake at the end of one of the “K” shelves. He’d only sat down for a moment on the bottom rung of a rolling ladder.

“Mr. Sims?”

“Wah--?” So eloquent when the library assistant shook him by the shoulder out of concern.

“Can I help you find something?” They smiled. “Like the door? So that you might go home and get some rest?”

“No, no, I’m alright.” He plucked a book at random. “I was just looking for this.” They didn’t seem convinced and smiled indulgently.

“A book on kinephantoms?” And Jon drew himself up to his full, diminutive height.

“Wha--yes. Yes, or course.” Clearing his throat he turned on his heel and stalked back into the archives.

“Hello? Tim? Um.”

“What can I do you for, boss?” Jon was exceptionally nervous and he didn’t know why but as Tim whirled around in his chair, pen flipping over his fingers, it spiked in his gut, made him sick.

“Ah yes, the, the research I asked for, l’last week.” Deep breath, be the boss, delegate and follow up. “How is it coming along?”

“Oh, yeah! The research. It’s ��coming along.’ Should have it ready in a few days. How’s after the weekend sound?” Horrible.

If he was being honest.

“Yes, of course.” But he wasn’t. “That would be just fine, thank you, Tim.” He tucked the folder he had brought for him behind his back and left the way he came.

“Jon?”

“Sasha?” He looked up from his reading to find her in his doorway and a cup of cold tea on the corner of his desk. When had that--? “How can I help you?”

“I just had some questions regarding what you needed for that last statement.” Disappointment flooded his tongue with salt. His instructions must have been lacking. He’d have to try better this second time.

It took the rest of the afternoon and Jon, having already worked through lunch, was feeling light headed from lack of sleep and food by the time Sasha was ready to start her research. She. She couldn’t, wouldn’t? Pretend? Not to know would she? All her questions, she was more suited to this job than he was.

No. He was being paranoid. He was just tired.

Disorienting pain lanced through his chin, echoing through his jaw and into his skull and he groaned. He’d fallen asleep propped up on his arm and paid the price for it with a bruised and throbbing face.

“Jon?”

Go’way.

“Jon?”

Lemme sleep.

“Jon?”

“Mmartin?” With difficulty, he was able to pry his eyes open, blinking away the cobwebs, the dust clinging to his lashes.

“What are you doing down here?” Martin was pulling him to his feet and Jon wanted nothing more than to curl back up and drift away.

“Was looking for--oh?” It was in his hand and he lifted it as evidence. “This?”

“You look exhausted.” Automatically Jon was denying it despite knowing the shadows beneath his eyes were like bruises, shaking his head and backing away without even enough stale air in his body to say the right words until he left Martin behind.

It was just a stupid, silly mistake. Nothing tragic or irreversible or cataclysmic, he just dropped a box of organized and neatly filed statements. Just dropped a box representing hours and hours of time and research and missed meals and lost sleep and proof of his incompetence and before he knew it he was on his knees amidst the papers and ink and photos and notes and it was all. Too. Much.

He didn’t even notice the tears at first, not until they hit his hands and he cried more of them in his frustration, wiping them angrily away and only ending up with his face buried in his folded knees because he was just. So. Tired. Jon didn’t know how long he sat there in the hallway, arms tucked around himself and holding all his pieces together, but it was long enough that someone came upon him and he hurried about tidying the pages and stuffing them back into envelopes.

“Boss?” Jon scrubbed his face, turning around with his most dictatorial expression. It wouldn’t do for him to see out how terrible he was at this. How awful.

“Ah, just dropped some files. I’ve got it.”

“Have you been--?”

“No! No.” He began to gather the mess faster, jamming statements into folders, into files, all out of order because if he stayed here any longer under his scrutiny he would end up sobbing.

“Do you need some help?”

“No.” Biting and cold. Drive him away.

“Jon.”

“No, I. I just can’t, I’ll get the hang of it. I just need to work harder.”

“Hey.”

“I’m just. I’m. I’m tired...that’s all.” It didn’t sound convincing to him, let alone to his subordinate. Not to Tim who’d known him before this whole fiasco. He stood, box in hand and staggered into the wall when the hallway tilted sideways, caught by Tim before he could go down again. Defeated, he let him take the statements. Let him leave it on the floor and lead him away.

“Oi, boss. When’s the last time you ate anything?” His hands were trembling in Tim’s and when he went to pull them away, the man held fast, drew him into an awkward hug.

“Oh...uh. I, I can’t, I suppose I can’t remember.” Caught, exposed, Jon let his face fall into Tim’s chest.

“Okay, okay, let’s get you taken care of.”

Suffering Martin’s fussing and fretting, while he didn’t understand it, wasn’t as intolerable as usual. He’d taken one look at Jon and wrapped him up in his well-worn cardigan and sat him at the rickety table with a cup of tea and orders to drink it. With his second mug he handed Jon a packet of biscuits and, not able to escape while sandwiched annoyingly (comfortingly) between Tim and Sasha, he had no choice but to nibble on them. After his third, Sasha tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

“I want to apologize, Jon. I wasn’t doing anything to make this any easier on you.”

“No, you’ve. You’ve been helpful and--” He was horrified that she would think his own shortcomings were any fault of her own.

“Not as helpful as we could have been, boss.” Jon looked between them so quickly it set his head to spinning. “We’re much better at research than we’ve led you to believe.”

“It was frustrating.”

“I’m s’sorry.”

“Not because of you.” He allowed Sasha to tug his head down to her shoulder. “We should have noticed you were running yourself ragged cleaning up after us.” Delightfully cozy and warm, Jon was dozing off and she chuckled. “Okay, okay, let’s get you tucked in. We can make it up to you after your nap.” Jon tried to resist, tried to rattle off all the work he still had left to do but all that came out of his fickle mouth were mumbling, sleepy, embarrassing noises. They set him up on the ratty break room couch and it was the most comfortable he’d been in ages. If he could just manage a coherent sentence…but the pillow was so soft beneath his aching head, the blanket Martin was settling over his shoulders just heavy enough and he tried one more time to say anything at all when Martin lifted the glasses off his face and folded them aside.

“Mhm, of course, yes, boss, whatever you say boss.” Sasha’s fingers running through his hair were his final undoing and between one gentle touch and the next, he let himself go.

#TMA #the magnus archives #jon sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #exhaustion #overwork #jon needs a nap #caretaking #promptfic #tmafanfic #I love my child and I'm so happy I could write for them <3

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yikesharringrove · 4 years

Note

Billy sneaks into steves bedroom but when he gets inside he hears yelling downstairs and that's when he finds out about how steves dad talks to steve

Read this little babey on ye olde ao3

Billy wanted to surprise Steve.

Steve’s parents had come home, which Steve had told Billy while avoiding eye contact, his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

So Bully figured Steve was just feeling misty about something, and thought he may want to see him. So he climbed up to Steve’s bedroom window, and flung himself inside. He found the room empty, and moved to shut the door.

Just before he could, he heard, yelling.

“You said you were going to work harder.” He went out onto the landing, peeking out from behind the wall. He could see Steve, standing in profile. He was hugging himself, staring at the floor. “Christ, Steven. You’re such an embarrassment.” He could see Steve’s dad cross in front of him, going for the drink he had abandoned on the side table. Steve sniffed. “Don’t you dare cry.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m, I’m not.” Billy was seeing red. Why hadn’t Steve told him.

“Don’t be sorry, just fix the problem.”

“Well, I think we should talk about getting me another tutor-”

“No. We got you a tutor. It didn’t help. You are just, irreversibly stupid.” Billy had to leave. He stalked back to Steve’s room, taking care not to slam the door. He was pacing in front of Steve’s bed, absolutely fucking seething.

“Holy shit.” Steve jumped a mile when he saw Billy in his bedroom, shutting the door quickly. He smiled at Billy, and went to embrace him, but Billy dodged it.

“Is he always like that?” Steve’s face fell.

“You, you heard that?”

“Yes, I heard that. Is that how he always talks to you?”

“I mean, yeah, but it’s, it’s no big deal.” Billy gaped at him.

“No big deal? No big deal? It’s a fucking huge deal! Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve was looking back at the floor. Billy huffed, pulling Steve’s arms from around himself, tugging Steve into his own. “He shouldn’t say those things to you.”

“I mean, he’s not exactly wrong-”

“Yes. He. Is. He’s wrong, Steve. You’re not stupid.” Steve just huffed into his shoulder. “You’re not.”

“I just, I failed another test, and I said I’d work harder and I did, I studied so hard, Bill, and I still failed-” he breathed in sharply, and started fucking sobbing into Billy’s shoulder. Billy was fucking stunned. Steve was always trying to be the strong one. His body sagged into Billy, letting him take his weight.

“Hey, hey. C’mon, Stevie. You’re not stupid.” Steve was too busy having a full breakdown to listen to him, so Billy just sat them both down. He rocked him gently, rubbing his back.

“I’m sorry. I just, I know how your dad is, and I, he’s not that bad.” Steve sniffed against his shoulder again, had finally stopped crying.

“Stevie, just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean it’s not bad.”

“But it’s, I just-”

“Baby, abuse is abuse. Don’t matter what form it takes.” Steve took a shaky breath.

“I didn’t, I never thought about it like, like that.”

“I’m sorry, Pretty Boy.” He pressed a kiss to Steve’s head. “Has it, always been like that?”

“Long as I can remember.”

“What so, he was talking like that to you as a fucking, child?”

“I mean, yeah. That’s why, that’s why they’re gone all the time. He says because he, just, he doesn’t like being here to see me being a failure.” Billy squeezed him tighter.

“I’m sorry, Baby. I’m sorry. God, they don’t deserve you. They really had the best person in the whole fuckin’ world right there, and they fuckin’ chucked you away. What assholes.” Steve gave a wet little laugh. “I hate ‘em. Let’s run away.”

“We can’t just, just run away.”

“Why not? I got a car. We can just leave. Kick our asshole dads goodbye.

“Isn’t the phrase kiss?”

“Yeah, but I ain’t kissin’ either of our dads.”

“Good choice.”

“We can just go. I could take you home.”

“California?”

“Yeah, we’ll go to Cali. Get a shitty little apartment by the beach. A cat.”

“Is the cat gonna be fat?”

“Yeah, Baby. It’ll be a chunky little man.”

“And we’ll have big windows, and we’ll keep them open and we’ll be able to smell the ocean all the time.”

“And we can do whatever we want. We could go to school, or not and get terrible jobs that make us tired and angry.”

“We could spend every Sunday naked. And make pancakes and try to keep our fat little cat out of the batter.”

“And you can wear whatever you want, we can go to thrift stores and buy you all kinds of stuff.”

“And we’ll make fun of infomercials at 2 in the morning.”

“We’ll cook food and burn it and order take out instead.”

“And we’ll watch movies on a shitty couch we’ll get second-hand.”

“We’ll watch scary movies, and you’ll get too scared, and you’ll crawl into my lap and I’ll hold you.”

“And we’ll have lots of pillows on the bed, and so many blankets so I won’t get cold at night.”

“But your feet will still be cold because they always are and you’ll put them all over me.”

“So then you’ll start tickling me because you’re a monster that wants me to suffer.”

“And you’ll look at me with those big eyes you know I can’t resist, and we’ll end up making out and then we’ll end up fucking because you’re just too damn sexy for me.”

“You’ll be talking all gross about how loud I am, and how good I feel and our neighbors will hit the wall to make us shut up.”

“And we’ll go to the beach everyday, and watch the sun set over the water.”

“And we’ll hold hands and walk along the boardwalk, and you’ll tell anyone who looks at us funny to fuck themselves.”

“And God, we’ll be so fucking happy.” Billy squeezed Steve just a little bit closer.

#harringrove #this got SO fucking soft holy god #yikes writes #steve harrington #steve harrington x billy hargrove #billy hargrove x steve harrington #billy hargrove #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #harringrove drabble

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leeknow-bestboy · 4 years

Text

Minsung Mermaid AU

-Where Minho is a merman with a big muscular gray tail, and is considered the fastest, best hunter in his pack.

Minho went hunting for seals one day. They do as orcas do usually, leap out of the water and snatch pray- but that day Minho did a risky jump and got just a little bit stuck.

Before he could push himself back to the sea he heard two human voices, so he hid and watched as Jisung and Seungmin climbed down big rocks to take pictures of the seals.

He could kind of understand what they were saying, but he doesn't speak fluent human, he has a heavy accent and his main tongue is in clicks and hisses.

He gets so curious, he comes to spy on them again and again.

One time it's just Jisung: he sees a baby seal and his reaction is so cute, that Minho only thinks- wow, this hunter sucks.

Can't even catch a baby seal.

So he calls to him, and Jisung gets so confused before realizing what he's seeing, because that's a whole ass merman offering him a bloodied half of a dead seal.

So he yells and runs. Minho pouts a little but whatever

Seungmin and Jisung do return after that to look for him, and Minho sees them because this is prime hunting ground he doesn't only come here for them obviously, but he hides in protest, and only comes out when it's Jisung alone again

This time he tries to talk to him but his accent is so heavy, and Jisung is scared at first but eventually he gets over himself and Minho lets him touch his tail

He thinks Jisung being scared is cute, because Minho isn't even a siren he's a merman, he doesn't eat humans- he hunts seals and fish for his pack and they share them in a civil way.

He's an intellectual and he knows he's pretty, Jisung got scared for no reason

-But also Minho has a big crush on him by now

He thinks his laughter is super pretty

When Jisung asks him if he even understands what he's saying, Minho goes *head tilt* to fuck with him but then laughs and says Yes in a really thick accent and Jisung hits him

Somehow they become boyfriends

It just happens

Their first kiss is almost an accident, only it isn't. Jisung shows Minho things on his phone, they're sitting close, and when Jisung looks up Minho's pupils are huge, he's smiling that stupid smitten smile and it almost doesn't register with Jisung that he was looking at him the entire time.

Jisung is so scared, of Minho and of liking Minho, he isn't human,

He didn't think this was a real thing that could happen at all, hadn't considered that Minho might like him too

He's just Jisung, and Minho is this mythical beauty

But then he kisses him so obviously he kisses back

He's wanted this for months already

Every time he'd climb down those damn rocks

And afterwards, they talk it all out, and Jisung is forced to face the fact that it's real

What they have is real

No matter how strange, extraordinary, even if it sounds like what fairytales are made of

They are going to see these feelings through, against the odds

Seungmin still doesn't get to see Minho, because Minho is scared of being seen. He never cared before, but if outsiders see him this time around he can't just flip a bird at them and switch to a different hunting ground, what he has with Jisung is important to him

His pack told him right away to stop fooling around with pretty human boys, because it's dangerous, and nothing is going to come of it anyway

Jisung can't breathe underwater, he can't swim, hunt or provide

They consider Minho out of his league completely. What's he doing with a human boy?

But Jisung is so beautiful, affectionate, he brushes his hair, gets the specs of sand right out

Scratches behind his ears, rubs his cheeks, kisses his nose like a cat

Gives him cuddles and hugs till Minho purrs from being so happy he doesn't know what to do

Jisung cleans his tail, picks out dirt from the bottom scales he can't reach

Every once in a while he'll bring him something good, like chicken or duck or even beef, Minho never had beef- and chocolate! he really likes it.

One day Sungie asks him to follow, and walks dangerously on the rocks along the shore. Minho swims by his side.

They walk until they can't anymore, and then Jisung points at a far house up a cliff

"I live there"

And Minho understands

Minho is too anxious to visit Jisung's home, because he's immobile out of the water,

But Jisung comes with a boat and diving gear, and Minho makes him promise he won't tell anyone before taking him to his reef.

It's a few kilometers away from the shore so Ji has to take the boat before diving but Minho guides him. He takes him home, and only his parents meet Ji

The rest of the pack must not know, or they'll get mad

He shows Jisung his collection of pearls and shiney stuff, because Minho loves everything shiney, it turns out

...Then Minho touches Ji's ear where his earrings are and Jisung knows he likes them, knows he wants some too but doesn't know how, because for mermaids, their ears get infected if they pierce them, and the smell of blood draws predators. They're slightly allergic to some metals too

When Jisung goes home, he searches and gets Minho clip-on earrings with shiney gems,

And Minho takes and accepts that as a marriage proposal, he gives Jisung back the best scale of his tail

They have no idea how they're going to, but they decided they will do it

Jisung works his ass off, Minho helps by collecting anything precious from the bottom of the sea and giving it for Jisung to sell at the market

"What will you do if he leaves you? Takes all the treasure and disappears into the land?"

"Then I'll visit the sea witch in her coven as legends go, and for whatever price she names-- I'll follow him and rip his heart out"

Jisung isn't actually aware of how hardcore Minho is being about this, them

Luckily Jisung is deeply, irreversibly and throughly in love with Minho anyway. He'll never leave

Instead he saves that money and buys them a house on a farther part of the shore, a few kilometers down where the big rocks clear a little, there's a dock, house on the dock, and Jisung works on improving it for months

He brings Seungmin to help him, Chan too

They leave half of the house submerged

There's a front door and an opening underwater that leads to a canal so Minho can swim in

The table is at the edge of the canal, it stretches out to the bed as well

There's a big underwater space under the house, almost like a cave, Jisung cleared it

Minho has his very own kitchen, while Jisung occupies the one above it

The bed is practically a futon, and on Minho's end, when he rolls off he falls right into the water

It's like a river's edge, they sleep together this way

Live together

"Did you have to jump right into bed? you're making the futon wet again"

"Problem?"

"Not really, no."

Minho finally meets Jisung's parents

One time Jisung takes him out on a wheelchair, Minho doesn't like it, he's too anxious. Jisung is anxious in crowded places too so they don't do it much after that

Only when Minho is sick or one of Jisung's friends has a big event he wants them to attend

Half of Jisung's friends don't even know what Minho is

"My husband"

"No yeah but like... What is he?"

"The love of my life?"

"You know what? fine. Okay."

Jisung rolls him in on a wheelchair and his tail is covered with a blanket but it is BIG. And they're like... How big are this guy's legs

Nobody has the balls to question it

Nor do they question his accent. It gets better anyway

Once in a while he'll get totally stuck on a word and just look at Jisung with these huge helpless eyes and Jisung will always know what he means right away

"Sorry I'm fore- for- foer-"

*Frustrated chirp*

"Hannie?"

"He's a foreigner"

"Yes!"

Honestly Jisung doesn't even know what Minho is doing with him, this gorgeous merman can do much better for sure, now he's stuck with some mess on two feet who stands in none of his pack's standards-

But Minho is really overjoyed with his life

He likes their cats, likes it when they try to slap his tail through the canal and get startled by the water splashing

Likes the delicious food Jisung provides him with

This man built him a home, he feeds him every day. Jisung is more than perfect

He's the one he wants and for all he cares, the entire world can "suck" Minho's fish dick

Speaking of which....

Mermaids aren't like humans, they don't enjoy sex like humans do, it's something animals do when they mate right? That's it

It's not desirable beyond the primal need to have kids, so Minho doesn't care about it

--But when Jisung needs him, he takes care of him

He's also really smug the entire time because Jisung is so vulnerable, calling his name

They have no problem with that kind of thing

Sometimes Jisung gets pouty, tries to turn things around and dominate, but Minho usually starts laughing at him because that's so cute and Minho's practically asexual anyway

He doesn't get sexually turned on by nothing

Hickies and makeouts are really nice, they feel good. That's it

Jisung gets irrationally upset Minho doesn't find him attractive sometimes, but Minho easily shuts him up calling him beautiful,

Reminding him that he loves him, they are mates, and mermaids mate for life

He is his

When they do cover the topic of kids, Minho vetos a human child, because he's scared he'll forget, he'll try to drag the kid down underwater- or they might fall into the water, he'll forget they can't swim

Mermaid babies can already work fins and lungs from the moment they are born

Jisung is unsure, so they debate it for a long time- he's scared he won't be able to be a good role model for a mermaid. Even after years with Minho there is so much he doesn't know

He can't speak his tongue, for one

He can't teach a kid how to hunt or anything

He doesn't know what a mermaid baby eats, even

Formula?

Minho says milk, if not a mermaid's, then a whale's, and that stresses Jisung impossibly MORE

But eventually they adopt a baby merman after his parents go missing:

Minho goes home in a panic and tells Jisung about it, how the pack is searching and they can't be found anywhere

Jisung tells him he can bring the baby there

After two years, they consider him theirs

Jisung is high key in love with his kid

He spoils him so much Minho is jealous,

But on the other hand, Minho taught the kid how to speak their tongue so every once in a while the kid will say something or make a sound and Jisung will be like ???????

The kid doesn't have a heavy accent like Minho in human speech, but Minho complains he has an odd accent in mermaid speech

He doesn't click his ??? right

They practice it a lot. Their home turns into a chirping clicking fest for a while

...While Minho has a slick metallic silver tail, the kid has his a deep blue with a black spot near the bottom, which is really pretty in Jisung's opinion! His scales turn darker as he ages, until they're almost black

His hair gets darker too, which Jisung knows is normal because human kids get that too.

Of course, for sure, they live happily ever after.

Thank you for listening (reading) to this incredibly long ted talk

#minsung #lee know #han Jisung #stray kids #skz #lee minho #fanfiction #writing #mermaid #au #merman minho #supernatural au #minsung chaotic dads at some point during this #zoey rambles about minsung

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thatmomentwhen345 · 3 years

Text

Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

#personal #long post #my art #please read if you are wondering about the change of atmosphere

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sparklinpixiedust · 3 years

Text

This is in addition to my post i made a couple of hours ago. You read it here as part 1

Now part 2, it probably sounds insane but bear with me.......

You know I've been thinking and this is probably reaching but maybe Kevin saved Ben from his mutant fate.

Kevin's powers shown in the OS were that he could absorb the energy and then dish it out. And then the energy would be gone. He couldn't keep the raw energy like he can with things like metal and wood because the power is unstable and in constant movement.

Since raw energy dissipates fairly quickly , kevin has to keep absorbing it to keep up.

So Kevin absorbed energy from the omnitrix and used his aliens for a while before actually running into Ben and then having that whole showdown and turning into that monster.

So he probably absorbed a massive amount of energy for him to maintain that state for a long time because every time he uses the raw energy, it flows out of his body. The energy gets used, whereas metal and wood don't really get used up. He can make them into objects like hammers and stuff but the material doesn't disappear after unless he releases upon will.

We know from alien force that when the omnitrix was destroyed, Kevin turned human again from his rock frankesntien form.

The energy from the watch had kept him in his form. Kevin was probably continously absorbing energy from the watch unintentionally which kept him stuck in his mutant form.

So its like his body was healing , but then more energy would come in and replace that, reversing whatever healing his body was doing.

So in the OS , when he absorbed the omnitrix, he started this constant flow of energy towards him.

One thing I've noticed is that initially kevin didn't become a mutant. He had control over his powers to an extent. Sure he couldn't stay in his human form for long but assuming its because of the large amount of energy that was trying to get out of his body in some form.

And since ben and the watch weren't really in close range , the energy flow was fairly less and manageable. In fact, he didn't absorb enough to mess up his DNA completely so the energy equilibrium his body was maintaining wasnt all that high.

It was only on the bridge where he transformed into a mutant. His anger caused him to absorb a larger amount of energy this from the watch this time

Yes he wasnt exactly touching ben when that happened but maybe he finally snapped causing him to direct out all the power out him at once. He did touch ben when he beating him up so he could have absorbed more.

Point is it was just too much and things just went downhill.And then he was stuck like that because his body found this new level of energy it wanted to maintain so it just kept taking it up.

Its shown in UA that he became human in the null void because kwarrel taught him to control his powers. Though keeping calm and learning control was helpful , I think the major point was that Ben by that time had taken off the omnitrix.

The watch wasn't functional anymore so there wasn't any influx of energy. So kevins body just healed on its own like it would normally if he had absorbed electricity or some other form of raw energy. It just slowly flowed out of him.

Now the main point lol.

Him saving ben? Due to him always absorbing the energy from the watch, there wasn't perhaps enough of it to change Ben or more specifically , his DNA to the extent of it being irreversible.

Now why didn't he transform when he came close to Ben again? Because he didn't initiate the absorption, he didn't set up a loop of consant energy absorption or release.

Even his rock form, he probably tried to absorb the table or something when the machine exploded to protect himself in season 3 of AF. He must have accidentally absorbed a bit of the omnitrix in that panic as well.The energy from the omnitrix messed up the process of absorption and he ended up absorbing random amounts of material from his garage.

His body set up a new equilibrium and the omnitrix constantly supplied power to maintain it.

Normally he absorbs one thing as a time so the power level is usually low enough to control. But when mixed with the energy form the watch, it just messes up his control.

So in conclusion I would like to say Kevin becoming a mutant saved Ben. Due to his body constantly taking in power from the watch to maintain the transformation,there probably wasn't enough of it to actually permanently damage Ben's DNA.

Now before you say anything i know this is all very crazy sounding and I know there are plot holes and stuff, but this was fun to come up with.

Something to think about huh? :)

#ben 10 alien force #gwen tennyson #gwentennyson #gwevin #kevin levin #kevinlevin #ben 10 au #ben tennyson #fanfiction #ben 10 series #ben 10 classic #ben 10 theory #my take

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dragonologist-in-the-making · 4 years

Text

I’ve Got You

Pairing: James x reader

Summary: When the reader goes way overboard to study for an upcoming test, James is there to comfort her and make sure she stays healthy.

A/N: I feel like I’ve read a fic similar to this concept so all credits to them, although I can’t remember who it is, sorry (please let me know if you do!)! Hopefully this is different enough to still keep it interesting. Also I’m sorry for the ending, wasn’t quite sure how to finish it.

Wordcount: 1.7k

Warnings: the reader is making very irresponsible choices, this is not a healthy study routine, make sure you take regular breaks and that you eat please!

“We’ll be having a test in a fortnight on everything we’ve learned so far this term.” Flitwick told the class as they began to pack away, and (y/n) groaned internally, knowing how much work she would have to put in to do well in this test. The N.E.W.T charms were extremely difficult, and she had been struggling with the workload she had already too much to go back and practise old lessons too, but she knew that had to be a priority now.

She walked back up to the common room for her free period, dropping her textbooks off in her dorm and taking all of her charms work downstairs to start the mountain of work she knew she had to do, the familiar mixture of stress and panic already rising in her chest.

Once she was downstairs she was greeted cheerily by her boyfriend, James Potter, who also had this period free, and you always spent the time studying together. “I thought we could work on the Transfiguration homework today?” He suggested, gesturing down to the books he had brought with him.

“I’m really sorry, Jamesy, Flitwick just told us about this test we have in two weeks, and I really need to study for it.” She told him, heading over to the sofa and setting all her notes down in front of her. The raven-haired boy came and sat next to her, reassuring her that it was okay and he was there to help if she needed it. “Thank you, you’re the best.” She grinned, leaning in and planting a quick kiss on his lips, before settling in and studying with extreme intensity. For the hour, the only sounds that could be heard were the scrapings of quills on parchment and the mutterings of incantations under her breath, along with the huffs of frustration as the spells didn’t work as well as they should.

She was only broken out of her concentration when James placed a hand on her shoulder, reminding her of the time and that they needed to head to their lesson. She nodded, running back up to her dorm to grab what she needed for the rest of her lessons that day, but taking all her charms work with her too, planning on reviewing her notes in every spare second she had.

The days had been going much too fast for (y/n)’s liking, and she was no where near ready to take this test. She could tell that James was growing increasingly worried for her, calmly taking her hands in the corridors to stop them from practising wand movements beneath the sleeves of her robes, and would poke her when she started whispering incantations under her breath.

“(y/n?)” He asked, trying to get her attention. They were all sat in the Great Hall for dinner, and she was sat with her head buried in a book, feverishly soaking in the words on the page, trying to absorb all the information. Upon complete silence from her, no sign that she had even heard her name being called, he sighed, moving to pull the book from her hands.

This she did notice, and quickly snatched it back, holding it close to her chest defensively. “What?” She asked, clearly irritated, although James knew this was because of how stressed she was.

“You have to eat something, love.” He told her, voice gentle as he pointed to the completely empty plate in front of her, having not even bothered to put food on her plate. Sighing, knowing that she wouldn’t win this argument, (y/n) started piling food on to her plate, anything closest to her, not caring what it was and ate quickly, hoping to get back to her book before long. Once James seemed satisfied and had turned to answer a question of Remus’, she quickly slipped a flask out from the inside of her robes and took a swig of the potion inside, immediately feeling the sluggishness clear from her brain, and she returned to her work.

Her habits continued in much the same fashion, progressively worsening over the course of the next week, until it was three days from the test and no one even tried to take the books away from her anymore, wanting to keep their heads on their necks. She was in her usual spot in the common room, neck aching from bending over the books for hours. “(y/n), darling, come to bed.” James cooed, wrapping his arms around her from behind and pressing a soft kiss into her neck. She leaned back, allowing herself the short break to just feel happy in James’ arms before she pouted, remembering how far behind she was.

“I wish I could, James, but I’ve still got so much to learn.” She complained, gesturing to all the notes in front of her. James broke away from the kisses he was trailing up and down her jaw, pulling her closer to him as he whined.

“But I haven’t seen you in weeks. Plus, I know you’re going to ace this test, I saw you cast a perfect Protean Charm yesterday. You need to believe in yourself because I know you can do it.”

“Let me just finish this last section, and then I’ll meet you upstairs. I love you.” She proposed, satisfied when she heard him hum in agreement, return her sentiment, and felt the coldness on her back as he moved away from her. He walked towards the boys dorms, turning around to give her one last brilliant smile. She knew that as soon as his head hit the pillow he would be asleep, and wouldn’t notice that she had carried on studying much later than promised. Feeling a slight tinge of guilt at her broken promise, she took another swig from the potion she kept on her person at all times now, working into the early hours of the morning.

She met James at the bottom of the stairs in the morning, he was waiting for her like he always had. She was tired from the little sleep she had managed to get, and even that was restless, so she had made sure to drink more of her potion before meeting him, to get her through her first classes.

“Are you okay?” He asked, bringing a hand to her cheek in concern. “You look awful.”

“Gee, thanks, boyfriend.” (y/n) laughed, trying to distract him from the way he was studying her.

“No, really.” He insisted. “You’re awfully pale, your eyes are bloodshot, you’re completely restless.” He noted, pointing at where her fingers were tapping against her thigh, which she tried to stop once he had pointed it out but found that the second she did, another part of her body insisted on moving in some way instead.

“I think I’m just coming down with a cold.” She insisted, beginning their walk to Transfiguration, the first class of the day. “You know, Alice had one not too long ago, I’m sure I just caught it from her.” Unconvinced, James followed her, noting how her steps wobbled and she seemed to stumble too often for it to be put down to clumsiness.

He wasn’t really worried, though, until they had walked into McGonagall’s classroom and she had promptly collapsed into his arms.

Within minutes he had carried her to the hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey had been hovering over her, casting various spells and asking James questions to see what was wrong with her to be able to fix her. It wasn’t until one of her spells made a small vial fly into her hands from the inside pocket of (y/n)’s robes that Madam Pomfrey tutted, a dismayed expression on her face.

“Test coming up?” She asked, looking at James.

“Yes, she has a charms one, she’s been studying a lot but I think this is more than that.” He told her, looking down at your unconscious form.

“You’re right.” She affirmed, holding up the vial she had pulled from his girlfriend’s robes. “She’s been abusing potions to help her study for it.” James blanched, looking down at (y/n) and wondered how he hadn’t seen her taking something she shouldn��t have, to keep her studying. How could he have been so careless? “Now Potter, don’t go blaming yourself. She didn’t want you to see it, so you wouldn’t have. But this stuff is dangerous, taken once, possibly twice and it’ll just enhance your concentration and help you focus for a few hours, but taken routinely, as it looks like Miss (y/l/n) here has been doing, and it can begin to have much more long-lasting effects. She may have been having trouble settling into a sleep, and her body may have been twitching. If this carried on, there could have been irreversible effects. The mind needs to slow down sometimes, you know, and there have certainly been cases from this potion, that not letting it do just that has simply driven them to insanity. I suspect her passing out was a way of her body trying to get some much needed rest.” Madam Pomfrey finished, taking the vial with her as she went to collect some medicine to help you return to your normal state quickly, as James quickly sat next to you on the bed, heavy with the information he had just received.

Slowly, her eyes began to open as James traced his thumb in circles on her palm, quickly pressing her shoulders down as she tried to sit up in bed.

“(y/n)” he started, feeling a lump in his throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t see.” He settled on saying, voice cracking on the last word. She quickly realised what was happening, and was quick to squeeze James’ hand.

“You weren’t supposed to, Jamesy. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was in a one-track mindset. It was so stupid, I’m so sorry.” She cried, tears falling over her cheeks as she realised the gravity of what she had been doing, and how it had affected the people around her as well as herself.

“Hey, we all do things we’re not proud of, but you’re okay and that’s what matters.” He reassured her, lying down and pulling her into his arms as the sobs continued to wrack through her body. “I’ve got you, (y/n), and I’m never going to let you go.”

#harry potter #harry potter fic #james potter #james potter x reader #james x reader #potter x reader #prongs x reader #prongs #marauders #marauders era #marauders fic

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marshmallowprotection · 3 years

Text

WARNING! VERY LONG! AND ALSO TALKS ABOUT ABUSE AND MANIPULATION AND ALSO MENTIONS OF ALCOHOL.

Please don't read if that triggers you!

ALSO MAJOR AND I MEAN MAJOR SPOILERS FOR DRAKENGARD 3 AND POSSIBLY EVILLIOUS CHRONICLES TOO. — Submission

It has been like a millennium since I have sent you any sort of things about a character (or in this case, characterS) but as I recently revised the story of this very fucked up pair of twins, I decided to show them to you. They are specifically characters in an RP of mine with my friend Jade which is a crossover between Evillious Chronicles and Drakengard 3.

Here's a bit of context:

The Intoners are beings that can use the power of song, but their true purpose is to destroy the world. The original Intoner was Zero, who became an Intoner after the Flower, some sort of being that the Gods created to destroy the world, took root inside of her corpse and effectively 'revived' her as an Intoner; also, Zero wasn't always called Zero, previously she was named Rose (which wasn't her birth name, as she has no birth name), but she changed her name to Zero after she became an Intoner (it's unknown why). After Zero tried to kill herself when she realized that she'd eventually be forced to destroy the world by the Flower, the Flower, sensing her hostility towards it, birthed five beings from her as sort of 'backups' in a sense to ensure it would succeed in destroying the world: One, Two, Three, Four, and Five. These beings are all in some way like Zero, as they were created from fragments of her memories, personality, and resemble people from Zero's past; e.g. One resembles a rebel girl who Zero was tied up next to as she was left to die in town's square of some village as punishment for her crimes of murdering hundreds of people; Five resembles a nun who Zero had killed at some point before she became an Intoner; etc. The Flower did this on purpose to make Zero hesitate in killing them, which...on paper it would seem to be a good idea, but Zero's not the type to hesitate in killing anybody, unless it's someone she cares about (which, the only people she cares about are not even really 'people', their dragons), and she don't give two fucks about the other Intoners at all, so, yeah.

'HERS' is a acronym for 'Hereditary Evil Raiser Syndrome' and its a fictional disease in Evillious that when your infected you become compelled into doing violence, as the goal of anybody whose ends up with HERS is to destroy the world and everybody in it; well that's an oversimplified explanation of it.

The Climb One is a ship that the last Earthlings from the Second Period used to escape their dying planet.

The First Period was the very first world in Evillious, which heavily resembled our world; the Second Period was a virtual reality created by the people of the First Period which also heavily resembled our world. At some point the First Period died (it's implied that a nuclear war happened there which is why everybody there died) and thanks to Behemo the Earthlings on the Climb One were taken into reality and they found the ruined First Period planet and on its ruins was built the Third Period (which was a world of its own). Oh and the humans from the Second Period are referred to as Earthlings in order to differentiate them from First Period/Third Period humans as they were originally not even 'real'.

Sickle is a robot built by an Earthling named Luna Hazuki and eventually he becomes a god and takes the form of a bat who observes the people of the Third Period.

Medora is another OC of mine from my RP with Jade. Her story is a story for another time ^^'

Aurende is an original kingdom of mine, not a country that's canonly in EC.

Why are Lumina and Eliora Romanian? I dunno I found out Lumina means sunshine in Romanian and just went with it; it's an insignificant detail anyways that's not exactly very relevant to Lumina and Eliora's stories but is just there.

Alright the context dumping is done with ^^''''' go onto the Evillious Chronicles and Drakengard wikis, they can give you a lot more less simplified context for this stuff but I think I told you the bare minimum you need to understand whats going on? I hope I gave you enough context to understand ^^'

But anyways on with th character info and Lumina and Eliora's story!

Name: Lumina

Aliases: True God Twins (With Eliora)

Lumi (By Eliora)

Lumina Ardelean (Full Name)

Hypocritical Strawberry (By Sickle, Mockingly)

Age: 1,045+ (On 499 E.C.)

Looks 18

Height: 163 cm/5’4’’

Weight: 49 kgs/110 lbs

Cup Size: C

Bust/Waist/Hip: 84/59/85

Sex: Female

Gender: Female

Classification: Human (Till 529 B.T.)

Earthling (Till 528 B.T.)

God

Race: Romanian

Hair Color: Strawberry Blonde

Eye Color: Gold

Born: 546 B.T.

Died: Varies

Status: Varies

Sexuality: Bisexual/Demiromantic

Relatives: Unnamed Mother (Deceased; Died In Childbirth)

Unnamed Father (Deceased; Died of Alcohol Overdose)

Eliora Ardelean (Younger Twin Sister)

Flower (Creation)

Zero (Flower’s Host)

One (Creation Via Flower)

Two (Creation Via Flower)

Three (Creation Via Flower)

Four (Creation Via Flower)

Five (Creation Via Flower)

Medora Aurende (Prototype Intoner)

Occupation: Creator of The Flower And Intoners

Affiliations: None

Favorite Food: Chocolate-Strawberry Sundae

Loves: Eliora, Revenge, Inducing Suffering In Others, Chocolate, Sundaes, Sweets, Strawberries

Hates: Alcohol, Her Father, People Who Hurt Others, People Calling Out Her Hypocrisy, Faeries, Her Father’s Girlfriend, Five

Weapons: Magic

Background + Personality: Lumina is a prideful but vengeful girl, whose been irreversibly scarred by the events of her and her twin sister’s childhood. Her mother died giving birth to her and her sister, which caused her father to blame her and her sister for their mother’s death, giving him an excuse to constantly beat her and starve her and her sister. Lumina did her best to protect Eliora from their father, taking most of their father’s beatings. Due to their father being an alcoholic and his alcoholism only causing her and Eliora to be abused even more horribly and brutally whenever he was drunk, Lumina developed a hatred of alcohol, especially beer and wine, which her father drank often. Her father eventually got a girlfriend, who also often abused the two girls, and ironically, this girlfriend heavily resembled Five, the youngest Intoner sister, which caused Lumina and Eliora to often be uncomfortable whenever she is in Five’s presence later on.

Lumina one day discovered her mother’s diary and found that her father had in fact heavily abused her mother when she was alive, like he did to Lumina and Eliora, and that her mother had been a way for him to take out all his anger and pain, and her mother believed that that was ok, because this way she had a meaning, this way her ‘worthless’ life had a meaning. Lumina realized her father was not upset about her and Eliora’s mother’s death because he was in love with her mother, he was upset because he had lost his main coping mechanism to deal with all of his problems, and so had replaced her mother with her and Eliora. Lumina became enraged by this revelation and confronted her father about it, but only found herself battered to near death.

The next day, her father died of an alcohol overdose, and she and Eliora ran away and ended up on the streets. From there they were constantly beaten yet again, except not by their father, but by people they had never even met before.

Lumina continued doing her best to protect her sister from the abuse and often took care of her, leading to the two sisters becoming starkly different in their world view;

Eliora’s world view will be stated in her info, but nonetheless here is Lumina’s world view:

Lumina, sick and tired of all of the pain she went through because of the world, developed a hatred of the world and a desire to destroy it all and start again, as well as to punish humanity for being ‘sinful’ creatures, believing that starting from zero again was the only way to end the cycle of abuse. Ironically, Lumina found herself also enjoying watching other people suffer, as she believed that other people deserved it for being ‘cruel, sinful humans’, which made her no better than her abusers and only showed she was a hypocrite in what she believed, as she began actively inflicting harm upon others just like how she had been hurt.

Eventually, Lumina and Eliora by unknown means managed to sneak into the Second Period, where Lumina ended up unknowingly being infected by HERS, which only served to make her desire to destroy the world stronger; Eliora, however, remained uninfected. Lumina and Eliora then snuck onto the Climb One, where they would then end up in the chaos somehow reincarnated into Gods and trapped inside the Climb One with Levia and Behemo, who questioned who they were until Behemo recognized them as the two homeless girls he saw often wandering the streets. Lumina and Eliora would manage to escape the Climb One within a few years thanks to their bodies being intact, and they soon found that they had become gods, which gave Lumina an idea; they enact a plan to destroy the world. Despite Eliora’s hesitance, Eliora went through with it and so the two sisters began their experimentations which would eventually lead to the creation of the Flower and the concept of Intoners.

One of their prototype Intoners was Medora Aurende, a princess of the Kingdom of Aurende, who was later deemed a failure due to not being strong enough to destroy the world, and so the twins disposed of her, leaving her for dead in a forest in the Beelzenian Empire.

Eventually, the Flower was finally complete along with the concept of Intoners, and the twins enacted their plan to destroy the world. They went to the city of Alicegrad in the country of Holy Levianta and infected a human who had been left for dead in the city square named ‘Rose’ with the Flower, and she was soon revived and turned into an Intoner. Rose changed her name to Zero soon after. Eliora began to become more and more hesitant and concerned with Lumina’s plan to destroy the world, but in response, Lumina slapped her and told her

“I’ve protected you for your entire life, you know. It’s time you repaid me a bit by helping me destroy the world that hurt me so much. And this will only serve to benefit you anyways; after all, this world hurt you so much too, despite my attempts at protecting you. Why wouldn’t you want to destroy it as well, Eli?”

Eliora afterward meekly nodded and never questioned Lumina again out of fear of what she’d do to her if she dared to question the plan again, even though Eliora could tell the Flower was slowly growing out of their control.

Lumina’s overall a very hateful, vengeful, hypocritical woman who at this point constantly contradicts herself, claiming that she wants to break the cycle of abuse whilst continuing to harm others. Yet deep in her heart, it seems she does genuinely still care for her sister, although it appears as time passes she slowly becomes more and more obsessed with hurting other people and punishing humanity for its sins as she gradually succumbs to her HERS instincts, and her care and empathy slowly wither away; even her love for her sister and feelings of kinship with Zero is slowly dissipating; until all that remains is her hatred of the world and humanity overall. Sickle mockingly calls her a ‘hypocritical strawberry’ due to her hypocrisy and strange obsession with strawberries.

Name: Eliora

Aliases: True God Twins (With Lumina)

Eli (By Lumina)

Eliora Ardelean (Full Name)

Pitiable Strawberry (By Sickle)

Age: 1,045+ (On 499 E.C.)

Looks 18

Height: 161 cm/5’3’’

Weight: 48 kgs/108 lbs

Cup Size: C

Bust/Waist/Hip: 83/58/84

Sex: Female

Gender: Female

Classification: Human (Till 529 B.T.)

Earthling (Till 528 B.T.)

God

Race: Romanian

Hair Color: Strawberry Blonde

Eye Color: Gold

Born: 546 B.T.

Died: Varies

Status: Varies

Sexuality: Bisexual/Demiromantic

Relatives: Unnamed Mother (Deceased; Died In Childbirth)

Unnamed Father (Deceased; Died of Alcohol Overdose)

Lumina Ardelean (Older Twin Sister)

Flower (Creation)

Zero (Flower’s Host)

One (Creation Via Flower)

Two (Creation Via Flower)

Three (Creation Via Flower)

Four (Creation Via Flower)

Five (Creation Via Flower)

Medora Aurende (Prototype Intoner)

Occupation: Creator of The Flower And Intoners

Affiliations: None

Favorite Food: Chocolate-Strawberry Sundae

Loves: Lumina (Or So She Claims), Dancing, Chocolate, Sundaes, Sweets, Baby Animals, Children, Dragons, Books, Reading, Singing, Zero, Strawberries

Hates: Seeing People Suffer, Her Father, Her Father’s Girlfriend, Five, The World (To A Much Lesser Degree Than Lumina), Alcohol

Weapons: Magic

Background + Personality: Most of Eliora and Lumina’s backstory was covered in Lumina’s info, so most of it will not be stated here except for any parts unique to Eliora.

Eliora is a meek, weak-willed girl who does as her sister tells her, secretly wishing to deviate from her sister’s will but being unable to as she is blinded by her ‘love’ for her sister and by what Lumina constantly tells her about their plan with the Flower and Intoners being “for the best”, that it’s “better for them to destroy the world here to stop humans from continuing to sin and hurt each other”, that “humanity is a sinful, malicious race that should be annihilated along with this cruel world they created”, even though Eliora knows deep inside that Lumina is merely manipulating her and forcing her to go along with what she wants.

Eliora’s world view is vastly different from her sister’s, as Eliora, who often could only watch as her sister was beaten and hurt constantly, found herself believing that revenge didn’t do much but perpetuate the cycle of abuse that she and Lumina suffered from, and so believed that the only way to end the cycle was to help abuse survivors not repeat the actions of their abusers. But Lumina heavily disagreed with her and forced Eliora, whether through physical harm or threats, to go along with Lumina’s plans and act the part of an ‘evil god who wants to destroy the world’.

Eliora also feels as if she’s indebted to Lumina for her protecting her from most of abuse of their childhood, and so feels obligated to help her even though she really believes that what Lumina’s doing is wrong.

Sickle pityingly calls Eliora a ‘pitiable strawberry’ due to her strange obsession with strawberries just like Lumina and because she’s a person who is very pitiable.

Whenever Eliora is able to, she often spends her time dancing, singing, or reading, loving all three activities immensely and secretly wishing she could have become a dancer or writer or singer or something of the sort rather than a mere instrument in her sister’s plans to destroy the world, and hopes that in some other life she could go follow her dreams rather than be forced to help her sister.

Also unlike her sister, Eliora is a very empathetic person, and despises killing and hurting others, although pretends as if she does enjoy such activities in order to please her sister.

So yeah, that's Lumina and Eliora's story. *me torturing my characters again and again goes brrrr-*

For reference here's their official designs (btw I probably should redo their arts considering their older as I made them back in April so yeah- oof) as well as sketch I made of them I may never finish but who knows:

Left girl is Lumina, right girl is Eliora ^

Oh, wow.

Okay. You’ve really edited and revised a lot of the story. The girls are looking really good, too. Angst can be a good device to help you channel your emotions in a healthy and constructive way. I think you’re building a really fun universe that just works for you and all of this design, planning and care takes a lot of time and effort. Never discount that work you put into it.

They are foils of each other.

They suffered but they handled it differently. That makes for an interesting arc for the both of them as they try to make sense of reality.

#submission #littleghostlyrose #not mm #ask #mod kait

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gr0veyard · 3 years

Text

Ooc.; also other stuff im giving my 2 Cents to, so skip if you dont care

[[MORE]]

Puberty blockers:

PBs are not irreversible lmao. They don't mutilate a minors body. They merely keep puberty on hold long enough for the minor in question to have time to make sure they want to transition. PUBERTY is what is irreversible. Imagine going thru puberty and growing into a body that at worst will make you wanna KYS and at best hate looking at yourself in the mirror. Do you know how expensive transition can be after puberty? PLEASE do more research before making asinine statements like PBs being comparable to mutilation. PBs only hold puberty as long as theyre being taken, meaning that if you stop taking em puberty will set in just as it usually would.

"Even hormone blockers and transitional hormones are largely untested when it comes to long term effects" is a baseless claim which a little googling can be disproven.

"One of my friends in high school medically transitioned, and it did nothing to help their dysphoria. It just made them even more depressed, and they later killed themselves." I'm sorry for your loss, genuinly. That really sucks. But as much it makes me look like an asshole for saying this, this is an appeal to emotion (aka not factually backing your other claims) and also circumstancial. If your friend's suicide was tied to their transition, their case is just that: theirs. One of the biggest contributors to trans suicude rates is the unattainability of affordable transition and dysphoria caused by the changes made by puberty, only topped by abuse from people towards trans people. By advocating for PBs to be prohibited or limited, you don't help. You make the problem worse.

Communism:

"I’m against Communist and Fascism as they’re both extremely Authoritarian systems that give the government complete control over how you live your life." Since I'm a socialist and not a communist I cant speak for communism, but most allegedly communist states today still basically operate on a capitalist core, where they have communist parties etc., but still have a free market for instance. China for example, but Russia too.

Capitalism amasses copious amounts of wealth on the backs of the lower class in a short amount of time but is ultimately unsustainable. Vaush on youtube has a number of videos on this I recommend you to check out.

Healthcare:

"You can’t have a right to the services and labor of another person, their own freedom is taken away by that." No one is saying that should happen. Ideally, the state pays for this healthcare and before you say anything about that: I'm from a country without america's privatized healthcare. It's never been an issue here, people aren't fucking terrified shitless to go to the doctor bc they could go into crippling debt. Sure, you gotta wait a lil longer than someone w a private insurance company (which still exists but isnt necessary to live) in the waitingroom but that's annoying at worst.

I went to america end of 2019 to visit my gf and I fell really ill there. I had to go to the doctor there and I nearly felt my soul leave my body when I had to pay 100 FUCKING DOLLARS HOLY SHIT. thats nearly a fourth of my monthly income bro, how can you claim this to be okay? Ofc medstaff still need to be paid but oh my gods this is not okay. If I had to live with this system for the rest of my life it's fair to say I'd never go to the fucking doctor. And that'd be worse for the docs AND FOR ME.

"If you die or develop incurable illness awaiting treatment for months, there’s nothing anyone can do. If you’re treated right away and unfortunately end up with loads of medial debt, it’s unfortunate, but you’re still alive. You can still try to fundraise money, get donations, or if you’re skilled, work it off. It’s really shitty, but necessary." N- no????? It reaLLY ISNT THOUGH??? As I've stated before, this is not an issue w public healthcare. It's smth that's an issue in general and it DOES happen in america right now. Where I live this doesnt happen to my knowledge. Why should it? The gov is gonna pay anyway so might as well get it done and get the next patient. You shouldnt have to go into debt to live. That's not humane.

"I don’t think the poor should die, I don’t want the suffering to be left to their fate." Contradictory to the part where you think going into debt is necessary. Being in debt IS suffering. *I* am in debt, and I suffer because of it everyday. And it's not because of healthcare.

When going into debt to heal is your only option as an alternative to possibly dying or suffering on, then making that choice is like having to choose between the black plague and cholera.

"Buy a gun, grow a garden, learn to build shelter, and make plans to invade a neighboring territory and become it’s technocratic warlord after your country collapses into an unlivable hellscape." Making a joke like this at the end of a post about serious topics like this is kind of trivializing the entire issue and a little disrespectful. Don't do that please. It's like you're comparing to Fallout 4 and I shouldn't need to point out why that's bad.

At the end of the day, Im not trying to change your mind bc thats futile and not my job. But I do absolutely intend to fact check claims I know for a fact are BS, or educate myself to make my own judgement, and so should you. If you want to know how truthful smth is, listen to multiple scources (centrist AND leftist) and crosscompare wether what you hear abt certain leftist ideas is in fact true or not.

Or dont and continue living in an echochamber. Your call.

Have a nice day.

#Long/#Rant/#Ooc drama/#Politics/#Suicide m/#Transphobia m/#Healthcare/#Ask to tag/#Ooc.;

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awyeahitssam · 4 years

Text

I wrote a “Stiles is transformed into a girl” AU earlier, but it turned out to be just smut. So here’s this - the same universe in snippets.

“Goddamn!” Stiles shouted, kicking the examine table hard enough to leave his miniaturized foot aching.

“Wow, looks like she’s already PMSing.”

While any comment like Isaac’s not-so-quiet mutter was in poor taste, it was especially so considering the news that had caused Stiles’ outburst.

“You and your misplaced judgement can fuck off, because I was just told that I will never be my parents son again.”

“Wow, hate women much, Stilinski?” Jackson sneered.

“Oh, fuck off!” Stiles snapped. “I like and respect women plenty. That doesn’t mean I’m cool with suddenly turning into one.”

“‘Like’ and ‘respect,’” Erica mimicked. “That sounded a little sexist, Batman.”

Stiles stared at her, openly disbelieving. He glanced around, but nobody seemed like they were about to step in and rebut that particular sentiment. So he took a deep, settling breath and did what he did best, because, as always, nobody else was going to.

“How would you feel if you traded in your breasts and vagina for a dick?”

Erica blinked, taken aback. After a beat she opened her mouth, but Stiles continued before she could respond.

“Sure, maybe it’d be cool at first, but after a few hours or days that novelty would wear off, and you’d want your own body back. Y’know, the body you’ve lived in for eighteen years, and grown a little fond of.”

Erica was flushed, but that could’ve been caused by anything from remorse to indignation at being chided in front of the entire pack. It wasn’t like he could smell her emotions; if she wanted him to stop, she would have to use her words. Anyway, it had been a long couple of days and he needed to vent a little.

“Calling me sexist, of all things, because I want to have the body I was born in back is ignorant and just plain stupid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find somebody with an explanation beyond ‘it’s irreversible’.”

Stiles snatched the taser from his purse and waved it threateningly. “Back the fuck off, dude. You’ve never been interested in me before, so I’m going to go ahead and assume this is more of a ‘I’d like to get my dick wet’ scenario than a ‘wow, Stiles, you have such a great personality, let’s date!’ sorta thing. Not that I’d be interested in the latter, but still.”

If anything, Isaac looked more amused. He stepped forward, and Stiles fought the instinct to pull back. He was smaller than he should’ve been; he’d never been shorter than Isaac before. Still, Stiles had stood up to bullies that were bigger and stronger than him all his life. This wasn’t the same, but it wasn’t so different, either.

Though the fact that Stiles now had to worry about his so-called packmate ignoring what he said and trying to get into his pants regardless pissed him off immeasurably.

“It’s just sex, Stilinski. What, are you still a virgin or something?”

Like Isaac hadn’t been a virgin himself before Derek bit him.

What a douche.

“Seriously dude, fuck off.”

Isaac’s face twisted into something bemused, like he couldn’t understand the word no. Which, seriously? Stiles had always thought Isaac was an asshole who believed he could get away with anything if he pulled out his traumatic childhood membership card, but this was a little extreme.

“Are you seriously turning down a chance to test out your new parts? What kind of guy are you?”

“I’m starting to wonder what kind of guy you are, Lahey. No means no. I’m not having sex with you, so drop it and move out of my goddamn way.”

For a moment Isaac went unnaturally still. Predator still. Stiles tensed, preparing to use both the taser and aerosolized wolfsbane Allison had given him. If he took even one step closer, Stiles wouldn’t hesitate.

Perhaps he smelled the violence rising in the air, or maybe Isaac had just decided to take no for an answer. Either way the werewolf gave Stiles a lingering glance, turned on his heel, and slunk back into the preserve, presumably off to practice his wolfy abilities with the others.

“My, my, you really do enjoy facing down predators, Stiles.”

Stiles turned, unsurprised to find Peter leaning against one of the house support beams. He frowned.

“Yeah, apparently a bunny predator and a sexual predator. Thanks for stepping in, there, zombiewolf.”

Peter shrugged. “You had it handled.”

Stiles sighed, rolling his shoulders and stuffing the taser back in his bag. “I can deal with Lahey if I have to. And apparently having boobs means I’ll have to.”

Peter met his eyes when Stiles looked up from scowling at his breasts. The man seemed faintly amused, but there was something beyond that.

It seemed the hungry gleam in Peter’s eyes remained whether Stiles was male or female. At least one person didn’t change the way they looked at him, but in his current state the gaze made him feel vaguely vulnerable. And god damn, did he hate that.

Stiles had long since been aware of his comparative weakness to the wolves he ran with, but knowing and seeing were different things. He was several inches shorter and about twenty pounds lighter than he had been, his coordination thrown even more out of wack by his newly proportioned limbs. His reach was less than it had been, his gait wasn’t right, and when he tested swinging his baseball bat his breasts did some uncomfortable swinging as well. Apparently, he needed a bra.

Lydia takes him shopping first thing Friday, because of course she does. Stiles only allows it because it seems he’s going to be in this body a while, until he can prove Deaton wrong, so he might as well buy some pants he doesn’t have to hold up by a belt without enough notches.

“That skirt is just, like, deliberately short!”

He ends up with three pairs of jeans, a pair of sweats, some cargo shorts (because apparently those are the only kind that don’t stop mid-thigh), a couple of hoodies, and four tank tops.

He considers throwing his favorite red lacrosse sweatshirt over it like he normally does, but it’s been getting hotter and he’s seen plenty of women jog in sports bras. At this point, it’s whatever. Stiles just needs to get some of this energy out before he shakes to death or something.

So naturally when he’s taking a break to catch his breath on mile three, Peter materializes at his side, nursing a cup of coffee with a book tucked under his arm.

And he raises a brow, as if to comment on Stiles’ poor endurance, because of course he does. Dick.

“Are you really coming to the woods to read?” he asks, slowly straightening out. His side is still cramping, but he doesn’t want to be in the perfect position for Peter to peer into his bra, even if the man had yet to look away from his face.

“Yes, I enjoy my coffee exclusively with woodland creatures,” Peter sasses back. Stiles smiles, just a bit, because for the first time in days somebody is treating him normally. Even if it is Peter, and his brand of normal is often a bit creepy. “What are you doing in the woods, Stiles? The big bad wolf might find you.”

It wasn’t a new joke, but--”I’m not Little Red.”

“No,” Peter sighs dramatically, “You’ve done away with your hoodie. I suppose I’ll have to find another young man to coax away from grandmother’s house.”

Man. Young man.

Stiles lets out a breath he wasn’t aware of holding and walks forward, shoving at Peter’s arm. It doesn’t budge, holding the coffee stead, and Peter looks surprised at the casual touch. “Replacing me so easily? Thank god.”

Clever lips curl. “I could never,” the werewolf replies, before waving him on. “Enjoy your run, Stiles.”

Stiles grins back, quick but genuine. “Enjoy your book, dude. Later!”

And he’s off.

Stiles looks down at the sundress laid across his bed and feels the air stutter from his lungs. This dress had been reserved for the long summer days of his childhood, before sickness had taken his mother. He remembers balancing on her feet as she spun them around the living room, both singing at the top of their lungs. He remembers her kissing the shirt over his heart and telling him that he was her favorite person in the world. He remembers trying to swing higher than her and failing in the nearby park, and how she had always laughed at his pout and said, “It isn’t a competition if I don’t try, Mischief!”

Stiles had forgotten he had stashed it in the back of his closet when his father had been gathering all Claudia’s things to donate or store in the attic.

“Stiles?” Scott called, knocking on the door. “Dude, you alright in there?”

“I—” Stiles took a deep breath, tearing his eyes from the dress and going to his closet. “Yeah, I’m… I’m good. Just give me a few minutes to change.”

“There’s sex reassignment surgery,” Lydia mentions one day, five weeks in. Stiles is in the middle of reading over the translated Latin she’d just handed him, and only makes a vague sound of comprehension.

“Stiles!”

“What?” Stiles snaps, glaring up at her. He blinks a few times, processing what she’d said, and shakes his head. “No, Lydia, I - I want my body. Besides, that's not something I could ever afford, not with the debt we’re in.”

“I have money, Stiles,” she says nonchalantly, and it’s probably unreasonable, how that makes him want to break things.

He takes a deep breath and looks her in the eyes. “I’m getting my body back, Lydia, and I’m not taking your money.”

“Stiles, you need to stop. I hate to say this, but you need to hear it, okay? You’re never going to be a guy again. Deaton said as much, and it was okay at first, you trying to prove him wrong, but this is getting out of control. You’re skipping classes, talking to Peter, and playing around with some seriously dangerous stuff. Stuff Allison’s dad would probably put a bullet through you for! Stiles, you’re going to be in a girl’s body for the rest of your life. I just don’t want you making all these shitty choices to go along with this shitty thing that happened to you. I care about you, man… you’re like my - my sister. So please stop. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Your sister?” Stiles snarled. “I’m not a fucking girl, Scott, female body or not. My mind is still male--”

Sorry to leave off there, but it’s all I’ve got. Stiles definitely shuts Scott down with his rant, though.

#peter/stiles #In that it's a part of the same universe I wrote smut for earlier #Let me tell you #writing 7 pages of smut is not my style #this is my style #snippets I'll never post on AO3 because I'll never finish them #female!Stiles #but not at all actually #ever heard of body dysmorphia #that shit blows

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lovefollowsknowledge · 3 years

Text

Rejoice! It is time.

This picture was taken just a little over 5 years ago. More specifically, it was taken on October 22, 2015 while I was living in Michigan. And ever since October 22 of this year I have been trying to get the words out of what this year’s anniversary of this picture has meant to me, but every time I feel like I come up short. I’ve tried to write it out, pray it out, and talk it out with those closest to me, but every time I feel like I’m at a lost for words as to how to adequately convey what this year’s anniversary means to me. Because for the first time, I am not afraid.

I usually hate this time of year. During this time of year I usually avoid any old posts, old pictures, and most especially any old memories. I try to avoid anything that could remind of the day this was taken. Because on this day 5 years ago, I went into the hospital for my first time ever. It was for my depression. The days and weeks leading up to this day were intense. My mind was completely gripped by the conviction of suicide. I was starting to think in lasts. Last time I would see my family, last time I would talk to friends, last time I would drive down roads, last time I would walk along paths.

There was one time in particular I was walking along a path I had been walking almost daily. It was actually a beautiful fall day, but my mind was very very dark. I started to see everything as an opportunity, and I had already made up my mind that once I got back home that would be it. But by God’s providence alone, I was met with a busy house, too busy to do anything so severe. So I trudged along.

There was another day in particular where I was alone at work. I had gone to vigil Mass and stayed behind uncontrollably sobbing in my pew till everyone was gone and all the lights shut off. It was to the point I even had another parishioner check on me before they left. I bawled all the way down the hallway back to my office and tried so hard to distract myself with work and worship music, but nothing helped. Eventually I sought out professional help, but even that brought no relief. But again, by God’s providence alone, my therapist from California, who I hadn’t talked to in 8 months, randomly called me just to check in and talked me through all the thoughts I was having. She told me “Don’t let this be the end. FIGHT! Which for you mostly means, RECEIVE!”

One other time that I will always remember was one evening we all came back home from something, maybe vigil Mass, and it was one of those days where I had to fight with all my strength not to completely break down. So the moment we got home, I went straight to my room, locked the door, and just tossed and turned in agony on my bed not knowing how to deal with the swirl of sadness, darkness, hopelessness going on in my head. I texted Ate right away that I wouldn’t be joining them that night for whatever dinner or movie they were gonna do. But she sent Jobo to go check on me. I paced the room debating if I should just push through, let him in, and go join them. I decided against it and shooed him off. But with God’s loving and relentless providence, He sends Ate down to check on me who refuses to let me keep the door locked. I open the door, and immediately she just scoops me up in all my despair and lets me cry in her arms. We spend the rest of the night just laying in my bed as I word vomit all the sadness I had been bottling up.

Finally the day came when my doctor wouldn't let me sit in my thoughts anymore. It just wasn't safe. So she made me promise I’d take myself to the hospital, call her when I got there, and have the hospital call her if they didn’t admit me. I drove home completely stunned, shocked, and dumbfounded that it had actually reached that point. It was one of those drives I had no idea how I got home. Very emptily, I packed my stuff trying to accept the fact that I was going to the hospital with a very high chance of me staying there overnight. My brother called in that moment, and that’s when I started to break. He told me, “This is only the beginning, and I can’t wait to see you come out the other side. You’re gonna be so much stronger.” He then asked if I wanted him and Rose to come out, and very timidly, I said yes. It was hard for me to admit, but I really really needed them in that moment. I needed the assurance of love. I needed to know it was going to be okay. I needed to be taken care of. So I gave in.

That night was by far the scariest moment of my life. Kuya and Ate stayed with me till the doctors and nurses said that was as far as they could go and as long as they could stay. My heart sunk in that moment as things started to get more and more real with them leaving. I did my orientation interview with the nurse, and that’s when she told me the soonest I could get out of there was Monday bc the minimum was usually 3 days and the discharge doctor doesn’t work on weekends. Monday was 4 days away. I went to bed that night in medical robes and bawled myself to sleep. If I didn’t have a roommate I would probably be wailing with every bit of fear and anxiety within me. I was doing one of those big silent cries, where the weight is so heavy but I’m not able to make a sound.

The next 4 days were intense as I had to face my darkness straight in the eyes for my first time, with no other distractions, no other escape. I spent my days calling anyone I possibly could from those free phones, just desperate to hear a voice outside those hospital walls. Something to keep me grounded that there is life outside of this, there is hope and people waiting for me. I lived for 4-5pm, the one hour a day we were allowed to have visitors. That first day in particular, it felt like forever till Ate got there. Ohhh but when she did, it was over. We were a mess. We both hated that I was there, and we both desperately wanted me to leave, but I just couldn’t. The following days Ced and Rose were there, and a couple times even brought me the Eucharist :) It was a scary time, but also very reflective. At this point I was 99.9999% convinced I was made for suicide, and if anyone found me loved and lovable, it was them that was being deceived. But the nurses and doctors couldn’t understand why I was there because it was clear I had a good life and was blessed with a solid support system. But as I was reading through my notes from my time there - which I almost never do, except this year - I wrote what one of the doctors told me, “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.”

And well, here I am 5 years later, and for the first time, instead of running in fear from the memories of this time in year, the only word I can come up with to sum up how I’m feeling is REJOICE. This year on October 22 all I wanted to do was rejoice over the memories. Instead of hiding in shame, I wanted everyone to know it’s been 5 years bc I’m honestly so proud. Because waking up on October 22, 2020 it felt like I could finally exhale. There’s something about this year that makes me feel like I can finally say, “You did it. You survived. It’s over.” There’s something about this year that makes it feel like this chapter of depression is finally over, and I can now move on. And I wish I can tell you what exactly made it that way, but I just can’t. Maybe there’s more to process, but it’s as if I just found myself on the other side. The other side that Ced talked to me about right before I went in. It’s like one of those war movies, where the scene cuts just as they’re in the middle of big explosions, and everything feels overwhelming. But the very next scene is the solider waking up, and the next thing he knows is the war is done. The battle was won, he fought the good fight, and he’s free to return home. That’s where I’ve seemed to find myself. It’s as if I found myself with the strength that Ced almost prophesied over me right before I went in. And it blows me away that on the one year I’m actually brave enough to read my old notes, this is the one I find - “life starts over every 5 years, stick around and see if it gets good.” And it’s not even that I would write to Past Mare of 5 years ago and say, “Yes! Stick around bc it does get good!” As if all this will go away soon and all my dreams will come true. Bc that 100% didn’t happen. But I would tell myself “stick around, feel the feels, voice all the thoughts, and just keep fighting. bc one day, you will find yourself free.”

Bc that’s exactly how I feel - free. It’s as if I’ve been chained down all this time, and by God’s grace the locks have been broken, and I can walk free, no conditions, no tricks, just free. Almost like Genie at the end of Aladdin. He fought the fight, he was faithful, and now the cuffs are simply off and he’s free to go. Just like that. And every time I’ve tried to write this out, pray this out, talk this out, I am brought to tears bc the freedom isn’t just from the fear and despair I felt 5 years ago in that hospital. The truth is that hospital bed was a lonnnng time coming. The tears of rejoicing that I shed now are not only for Hospital-Mare 5 years ago, but for St. Rose-Mare 7 years ago who felt like a piece of shit every single day, Newly Graduated-Mare 8 years ago who felt life was hopeless, Senior Year of College-Mare 9 years ago who couldn’t help but be attracted to the idea, and Senior Year of High School-Mare 13 years ago who felt no one would even notice or care. Bc for the first time in 13 years I am no longer plagued by the conviction that my life is irreversibly hopeless and helpless, that I am intrinsically unloved and unlovable, and that as sure as the sun will rise, I am destined for suicide. For the first time in 5 years I am no longer afraid of this time of year bc there is a still but sure certainty that my life is about to change as this 13 year battle has finally come to an end. Not that depression will be fully behind me and will no longer be a thing for me for the rest of my life, but that depression no longer runs my life. Depression no longer dictates my life. Depression may still be in the car, but it no longer drives the car of my life. And I can’t help but weep over this triumph.

It’s such a trippy and almost anticlimactic experience though bc there really isn’t 1 particular moment I can point to. (Well maybe there is but that might be for another story ;)) But even then, there was more before leading up to that moment. Like so many people, 2020 has brought a lot of loss for me. But most of mine are relationships (for different reasons). I lost a couple relationships with people who have guided me through many years of my life; I lost a very personal and close relationship; I lost the relationships from my job and all those that came with it (at least the nature of them). And while each loss has brought a lot of grief, worry, and tears, at the end of the day there was peace bc it all just felt part of the plan. It felt like watching the series finale of a show where everything starts to find resolution, bringing the show to a final and peaceful close. With every loss this year, it felt like another resolution and another part of the story coming to an end. It felt like the final pages of a book closing. And something in me just knew, this is it.

And again, I wish I could say I went to the hospital and that was it. Life was beautiful and perfect and made complete sense. But that’s just not true. I went 2 more times before moving back home to Cali and went another time for a very long stretch for what ended up being lupus. I lost a lot of dreams and cried many tears of agony and frustration and honestly straight anger towards God. But I had to keep moving. The freedom I live in now didn’t come with one big moment. It came with the last 5 years after the hospital, and the 4 years before the hospital, of doing the hard work in therapy. I had to learn to grow in trust and vulnerability. I had to learn how to receive care and love (probably the hardest part of it all). I had to be docile to practice what I was learning in therapy. I had be honest with my thoughts and feelings to myself, my therapist, the group I was in therapy with, and most especially with those closest to me, especially those I lived with. It also took a lot of trial and error wth medication. It took hard work, and a lot of it was being brave enough to enter into the darkness, let myself feel the feelings and voice the thoughts. It took a lot of letting people speak truth to me and even speaking truth to myself, even if it all felt like a lie. It took faithfulness to holy hours, receiving the Eucharist, and daily prayer time even if all I had was anger or indifference towards God, even if it all felt empty and pointless. It took repeating the name of Jesus, endlessly reciting the Memorare, and begging for St. Michael’s intercession in the scariest moments of my depression. It took long, hard work, but what brings me to cry tears of rejoicing now is not only how long it’s taken me to get here, but remembering the faithfulness of God to His promises.

7 years ago I was given the penance to read the Gospel of Mark, and the verse that struck me right away was Mk 5:41 “Taking her by the hand He said to her, ‘Talitha cumi,’ which means, ‘little girl I say to you, arise.’” Instantly, I knew the Lord was talking to me. The first promise.

5 years ago hiding in my hospital bed, I was looking for a specific verse in Isaiah, but I ended up on Is 43:18-19 “Remember not the events of past, the things of old consider not; see I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive it? In the wilderness I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers.” Once again, instinctively I knew this was for me. It was the beginning that Ced was talking to me about before going in. The second promise.

Over the last few months, the verse that I find myself repeating to myself over and over, especially in times of most anxiety, fear, and worry is Jer 29:11 “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.” The third promise.

This year I can’t help but cry as I look at this picture and reminisce on all the intense trapped darkness because I feel like I am now standing in the fulfillment of these promises He made to me so long ago. I just feel like He’s saying, “it’s time.” It’s finally time for me to rise up. It’s finally time for me to see this new thing He’s been building and shaping for me. It’s finally time for me to walk on the water. It’s time for me to rise out of my fear and reclaim the life and joy depression has stolen from me all those years. And in that rising, in that reclaiming, also comes the gift, the permission, the freedom to dream again and the grace and courage to pursue those dreams. Me! Me, dream again! It’s the most surreal experience that I could actually be free to walk into the light, dare to dream anew, and live unafraid of the consequences should failure come. Me! Unafraid! I just keep thinking, who the heck do I think I am that I could dream and live unafraid? That I could be free to live life joyfully again? To live bravely? To live unchained? Who am I? And I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t say I’m deserving. I can’t say to myself it is safe and possible. But the Lord in all His patience and authority just keeps saying, it is time. Today, once again in God’s providence, I happen to come across Dn 10:19 “Fear not, beloved, you are safe; take courage and be strong.” And I just feel like He’s like “Yes, you!” haha. What trips me up is realizing that healing isn’t always this big, extravagant thing. Sometimes, it’s the slow but steady work of God. Sometimes it’s just doing the work day in and day out, and being faithful to that work, and one day the Lord gives you the grace to see you’re already there. The fight is won, and you are free. No strings attached, no tricks. Just free.

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I’ll be honest, I’ve been fighting the Lord like “Are you sure??! bc I have no idea how to do life outside of this depressed world!” I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled, who dreams all those years of leaving her tower to pursue the lights. But once her chance has finally come and she’s able to taste a new, free life, guilt takes over her, and she goes back and forth if it was the right decision - Do I dare to believe my identity could be more than my depression? This reality I’ve known for so much of my life. Do I dare take the Lord up on His offer and leave my dark tower? - But as she keeps going and finally makes it to the boats, she admits she’s afraid, “what if it’s not everything I hoped it would be?…and what if it is?” To which she’s told, “that’s the good part, you get to dream a new dream.” And as things unfold, she suddenly finds herself unafraid. And that’s where I feel I am. It’s scary bc I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have it all completely mapped out like I’d like, but all I know is it is finally my time to arise. It’s time for me to feel that water as I step out of the boat. It's time to dare to dream again, dare to live life again, and this time walk along side our Lord every step of the way. Let Him dream His dreams through me. Let my dreams unite with His. And dare I admit, I’m actually getting excited about it! :)

It’s scary, and it calls for a new level of vulnerability, and I am begging everyday for the courage to lean into this new life. But at this point all I can say is I can’t believe I made it! I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I survived! And I know I wouldn't be here if it weren’t for the countless prayer warriors I have out there, prayer warriors I’m not even aware of. All the prayers, the rosaries, the Masses, the holy hours that have been offered up for me. Graces I’m sure I will be unpacking for the rest of my life. And I most especially wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for those closest to me while I was in the thick of it. Special shout out to the Urginos, to my parents, to Ced and Rose, to Ming and King, and to Age - those that literally stopped their lives just to be by my side 5 years ago. And to Hyds and Anhel who dealt with every frantic text during that time (and who still do) and never tired of speaking truth to me. I’ve screenshotted so many of our texts, and I still go back to them every now and then on some of my hardest days. And of course to my therapists, my doctors, my spiritual directors. For carrying every heavy thought with me and never letting up. And finally, to all my Kuya and Ate Saints, I know it was you guys holding me up and keeping me close to the Lord when I couldn’t do it myself.

Glory to God through Mary! I have no idea what’s next, but thank You in advance for whatever happens from here. Let’s get it! :)

LDM

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