#if this were a text convo she would ghost him immediately

[gazs-blue-hat]

Hi! :) you wanted requests love ?

Soap interactions with reader who he has a major crush on, but can’t flirt with since she’s shy and he will scare her away

Thanks so much for the request! I never expected people to actually ask. Lowkey highkey inspired by convos had with @sprout-fics Summary: Johnny struggles to find out how to woo you. Frustrated with his lack of success, his two buddies Gaz and Ghost play matchmaker Word Count:

Tw: Canon Typical Language, suggestive comments, idiots in love (LMK if I missed any)

For three years you had been friends with Johnny "Soap" MacTavish and for each of those three years, Johnny has pined after you like he was poisoned and you were the only cure. You had joined TF141 as the medic and language specialist. It was strange to Johnny to watch you work, speaking to people in foreign languages like you had been friends for years, but the SECOND he tried to talk to you, you were a skittish and nervous puppy.

He had thought you were afraid of him, but you didn't act afraid of him. When the team would go out for drink, you would always sit next to him. Your knee always bumped against his when you sat next to one another. He did his best to respect your space, scooting away to provide you more room so you were comfortable You two would sit at lunch and dinner together, not speaking but just being next to one another. Whenever Johnny tried to speak with you, you only listened and never really...reciprocated the conversation. "I don't know what to do Simon! Every time I try and talk to her, she just..." he made some gestures with his hands, exasperated. He was running on the treadmill next to Ghost who was doing pull ups on the bar next to him. "Have you ever thought that she's just shy?" Simon asked while lowering himself slowly, legs crossed under him as he worked on himself. Johnny rolled his eyes and nodded. "Aye, I've thought of that already. She only acts like that around me! She never talks, never makes conversation. She just...sits there!" Johnny was sprinting now on the treadmill, trying to work his frustration out. Simon finished his current set and landed softly on the floor next to Johnny.

“Why don’t you just..tell her how you feel? It’s not that complicated sergeant,” He grumbled after taking a sip of his water bottle. Johnny didn’t answer and Simon rolled his eyes and pulled the little cord connecting Johnny to the treadmill. The machine whirred to a stop and Johnny stood, glaring at him while sweat slipped down his forehead.

“The hell you do that for?” The Scot scolded while moving to grab the little clip back from Simon. Simon held it over his head, smirking.

“I’m not gonna let you run yourself to death MacTavish. You need to get into gear and tell that woman how you feel, before she decides you’re not worth her efforts.”

Johnny scoffed and grabbed his water bottle from the floor.

“Right bastard you are,” He muttered as he pushed the gym doors open. Simon rolled his eyes and opened his phone, texting Kyle.

Ghost: Solid copy on the package, you’re up.

Gaz: Copy that

Ghost: Think this will work?

Gaz: fuckin’ hope so. I bet Price twenty quid we could get them together by the end of the week.

Simon scoffed and locked his phone again, pressing play on his podcast he was listening to. Kyle didn’t know it, but Simon had bet Price the same amount that the pair of them would remain oblivious to one another.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Kyle put his phone down and sighed softly as he handed you another little cookie.

“I don’t know Kyle! He just…whenever I try and touch him, even a little, he scoots away.” You sounded so upset earlier and Kyle had immediately invited you to his quarters to vent have some tea. Price jokingly called these little venting sessions ‘Tea Parties’ and soon, you two started calling them that as well.

“Perhaps he just doesn’t like being touched?” Kyle offered, sipping at his tea after dunking a little sugar into it. You shook your head.

“But that’s not true! He touches literally everybody else! Even Simon! He constantly taps his shoulder or jabs his ribs. Heaven forbid I put my knee against his, he avoid touching me like… I’ve got the plague or something…” You looked down at your cup, the tea doing nothing to soothe your wounded heart.

“Perhaps…he’s nervous. Having a pretty girl touch you sometimes make a man…think certain things. He probably wants to be respectful and not freak you out or something.” Kyle shrugged, knowing full well that their resident Scotsman had often had to excuse himself from functions to…relieve some tension. The men had all given him shit for it before they realized how down bad he was for the linguist.

“Stop teasing Kyle! I’m serious!” You puffed out your cheeks and crossed your arms. Kyle shook his head and placed his hand on your shoulder.

“Have you tried..talking to him?” He asked genuinely. Your face fell and you shook your head.

“I have tried. Every time I try and say something to him…it all gets jumbled. I’ve left him little notes and stuff but the message always gets lost in translation.”

Kyle remembered when you had written him a note in Arabic that basically said ‘I like you a lot’ and being the fool Johnny is, us used google translate rather than calling Farrah or even Alex.

When Kyle had showed the note to Alex and Farrah, they laughed like fools.

Gaz: (Image:click to expand) What does this say?

Farrah: The word used means ‘life friend’ but the internet decides that it only meant friend.

Alex: I assume this note was written by your linguist. Meant for Johnny? He is so down bad, he’s blinded himself. The poor idiot.

Farrah: Who’s gonna tell him?

Alex: Not it

Gaz: Not it

Ghost: Not it

Price: You all are acting like children. Literal children.

“Well love, I dunno what to tell you. Johnny talks, he likes talking. You don’t like talking, you like touching. Perhaps…just. Talk to him. The worst thing he can say is ‘no’ right?” His words were meant to be comforting but your smile fell and you nodded.

“That’s what I’m so afraid of…”

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

You had decided to tell him. Tell him straight up how you felt about him. You held your script in your hand tightly, almost crumpling the paper in your grip.

“It’s fine…it will be fine…If he says no, you have a whole case of wine and spy romcoms to cry about.”

Johnny was coming back from a mission today and after a week apart, you were able to find the courage to write your script and prepare it. Kyle had been ever so patient in listening to you rehearse and he even gave you advice so things wouldn’t be confused.

Meanwhile, Johnny had decided he was just gonna go for it. reputation be damned he was gonna kiss you today. He was going to stand his ground and feel your warm cheek under his lips. Simon knew next to nothing about kissing (that he was willing to share),, and he was little help to Johnny. So…he used his pillow for practice. Once he thought he would preform somewhat decently, he was sent on the stupid mission that separated you two.

Once the heli hit the tarmac outside, he marched his way back into the base.

“Man on a mission then…” Price grumbled softly, lighting a cigar and shaking his head. He made sure he still that the money in his pocket if things finally worked out between the two fools.

You and Johnny collided with one another in one of the hallways in the base. You had been reading your letter again and again, memorizing the words over and over again. When you were looking down, you crashed into the object of your affections. You would have slammed back into the ground if it hadn’t been for his swift reflexes. His left hand was holding your waist gently but with enough force that you held still. His right had had gone to the back of your head, just to be sure your head wouldn’t slam against the floor if his grip faltered.

“Easy lass, get your head on straight,” He joked as he helped you get back on your feet. Your face was flushed and your breath came quickly.

“S-sorry Johnny. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” You words were soft, almost a whisper. Whatever wind you had in your sails had been shoved away by the stumble. Your note had dropped to the floor and was being crumpled underfoot. Once you straightened everything out, you turned sharply and made your way back to the mess hall, scurrying away like a scared mouse.

“Wait lass! You left your pa…per.” His sentence ended once he saw his name on the top of the sheet. He picked it up and read the words, his heart racing in his chest. Pure poetry was on the paper. Your heart had been spilled in obsidian ink and flowing words.

You liked him.

You loved him.

You loved him.

The paper fluttered down as he dropped it and sprinted in the direction you had left in.

————-

“Well lads…guess Simon won this round. Despite your best efforts, the idiots have yet to realize they belong together.” Price joked as he sipped at his drink. Kyle frowned and shook his head.

“Still have three hours before lights out…there’s still time.” Kyle had taken off his hat and placed it on the table, worrying it out of frustration. Simon only chuckled and crossed his arms.

“Just admit you lost Garrick. Nobody likes a…” his sentence was cut off by mess hall doors bursting open. There you stood, blushing red as a tomato. Johnny came from behind you like a rocket, grabbing you and spinning you to face him. He slammed his lips on yours, holding you tightly so you wouldn’t let go.

“Shit…” Simon grumbled while sliding money over to Kyle who was slamming his fist on the table and cheering. Price chuckled and slid the money over to Kyle.

“YES! FUCKIN FINALY!”

All of these words fell on deaf ears as Johnny kissed you like you were the center of his world.

That’s because you were.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

#request #johnny soap mactavish x reader #cod mw2 #john mactavish x reader

[rosymorns]

god im really in it w nate/rosanna

#im not having a good day so i am thinking about my beloved-s. sue me. #i keep thinking of like. after heavy flirting shes just like nate youre adorable but you dont have to try this hard to get me into bed #this like. at the door to her townhouse. she is unsubtly inviting him in. if we're gonna do this let's do it. #and hes like. well. yes i do want to sleep with you but i'd like to get to know you first because i like you as a person #and i do not want this to be casual :) #and her to emotions are: ?????????????? and no nononono nonono no no non ono nope #if this were a text convo she would ghost him immediately #unfortunately hes an old man and also they work together. she considers packing her bags and moving away. #as it is she just. avoids him as much as she can. for maybe a few weeks. and hes kind of hurt and confused the whole time #because things were going very well. they got along wonderfully when things were ambiguous -- when it was just flirting. #but he doesn't press her on it because well he has more than a modicum of emotional intelligence lel #i don't think she's forthcoming about what happened to her at all. but nate knows it's something. #he knows pain and fear well enough to recognize it when he sees it. #anyway i was trying to fit this into the books and i think that would be book 2-ish. and THEN i thought. #'house of mirrors role reversal where falk CAN read the detective' because rosanna's would definitely be killing her husband #and she would definitely get a guilty verdict xoxo. and then i was thinking about how N tends to panic in stressful situations. #and well. baby we got us a tasty stew simmering over here. #carly.txt #carly's oc #oc: rosanna

[pantomist]

Since we didn’t get a locked in the storage room clip for our reunion I wrote one myself.  I know it’s late and I included some of the actual convo we got today but I hope you enjoy!  

///

Ava had just left the storage room.  After the argument with Mailin, Fatou had just held Ava on the sofa.  Ava was surprisingly affected by the argument.  Fatou admired her best friend’s strength so much, she always forgot how strongly Ava felt things.  Fatou would do anything to make Ava feel better.  Today, that meant staying behind and finish cleaning the storage room while Ava went to see Marc.  She continued counting the items on the shelves and writing up the inventory, trying not to get distracted by the various random objects, when she heard someone walk in.  

“Hey Ava did you forget something?”  Fatou turned around and suddenly caught her breath as she was now facing Kieu My closing the door to the storage room.  

“I need to talk to you,” Kieu My said timidly.  Fatou clenched her jaw.  This was the last thing she needed right now.  

“I don’t want to talk to you.”  Fatou started moving towards the door.  Screw cleaning up, she’d do it another day.  But Kieu My blocked her path.

“Fatou please, just listen.”  Fatou pushed past Kieu My and reached for the door handle.

“I have to get home.”  Kieu My reached for her hand.

“Fatou please-“

“Don’t touch me.”  Kieu My quickly pulled back and averted her eyes from Fatou’s accusatory glare.  Were her eyes shining?  Fatou shook her head and pushed down the feelings of guilt.  Kieu My had played her, she was rightfully protecting herself.  Fatou turned the door handle and pushed, but the door wouldn’t budge.  Ava…

“Fuck,” Fatou exclaimed as she turned back to the other girl with a renewed sense of frustration.

“What’s wrong?”

“Ava gave the keys to Yara, the door’s locked.”  Fatou stomped back to the sofa in annoyance.

“Oh,” she heard Kieu My softly murmur.

“Yeah, oh,” Fatou scoffed and pulled out her phone.  

“What are you doing?”

“Asking Yara to get us of out of here.”  Fatou looked pointedly at Kieu My once she’d sent the text.  “I don’t wanna spend any more time with you than I have to.”  Kieu My visibly flinched at the harsh words coming from Fatou and Fatou could barely believe that she was saying them.  She felt bad really, she wasn’t capable of inflicting pain on others even if they had hurt her.  She sighed and softened her gaze.

“Sorry.”  Kieu My shook her head.

“Don’t be,” she said sheepishly, “you have every right to be angry at me.”  Fatou nodded.  

“Even so, I can’t hurt other people like you and your friends do.”  Kieu My sighed and moved towards the sofa.

“I never meant to hurt you.”  Fatou shook her head.

“Whatever,” she muttered.  Kieu My settled against the shelves just to Fatou’s right.  Out of the corner of her eye, Fatou could see the other girl pulling at her fingers.  

“You didn’t react to my last message,” she said tentatively.  Fatou looked up at Kieu My and shrugged.  The other girl took a shaky breath.  Was she actually nervous?  

“Did it not mean anything to you?”  Fatou actually felt the urge to laugh at the irony.  She scoffed and stood up to face Kieu My.

“To be honest Kieu My, I don’t know what the fuck anything means when it comes to you.”  Kieu My seemed to shrink under Fatou’s gaze, but Fatou had to tell her all that she’d felt these past few weeks.  

“We seem to flirt for a while on insta, but then you go and hook up with a random guy right in front of me.  I pull back but you pull me back in.  You flirt one day and are ice cold the next.  When we matched on Tinder I thought maybe you’d finally made your mind up, but then you ghost me as soon as I ask you to hang out.  Then you fucking kiss me like your life depends on it and just leave without saying anything.  You ghost me again.  Next thing I know, you and your friends are talking shit about me.  So no, I guess your message doesn’t mean anything to me because I don’t know what the fuck you want from me Kieu My.”  Fatou took a deep breath Kieu My had tears rolling down her cheeks.  “I’m done with the hot and cold game,” Fatou continued.  “Either you tell me what this means to you, or you leave me the fuck alone.”  Kieu My was looking at the floor in silence.  Fatou sighed and shook her head.  She’d said what she needed to say, now it was up to the other girl.  Fatou sat back down on the sofa and checked her phone.  A message from Yara: fuck I just left school , I’ll try and get back asap.  

“I know I’ve been shitty,” Kieu My finally responded softly.  Fatou looked up with a raised eyebrow but kept quiet.  Kieu My took a deep breath and continued.

“After New Years I couldn’t stop thinking about it, about you.  Zoe asked me if I wanted to help clean up and of course I wanted to, but I had some real shit with my parents.  That whole week was hell for me really.  I wanted to see you so badly, I read your messages a thousand times I just…had no idea how to respond.  And then you heard me with Constantin and I knew I fucked up.”  Kieu My wiped away some more tears and took a shaky breath.

“I’m so sorry for what I said then Fatou, truly I’m so sorry.  I was scared because you mean so much to me Fatou, and suddenly the whole school knew and Constantin was already giving me shit for it and I didn’t think.  I just wanted him to stop asking.  I didn’t mean it I swear.”  Now Kieu My moved forward and looked directly in Fatou’s eyes.  Unintentionally Fatou’s breath stopped.  Kieu My was so beautiful, her eyes pleading and piercing her heart.  The girl still meant so much to Fatou.  

“I kissed you because I had to Fatou, because I’d wanted to for so long, and I’ve wanted to kiss you every day since New Years.”  Fatou couldn’t believe she was hearing this.  Or could she?

“How do I know you’re telling me the truth?” she managed to ask in barely more than a whisper.  Kieu My kneels down in front of her.

“I have no reason to lie to you here,” she whispered, tears still shining in her eyes.  “When I’m with you I feel like I can finally be me, without all the expectations that people have for me, or even the pressure I put on myself, weighing me down.  When I’m with you I feel so liberated and great but so scared and small at the same time.  I know I’m not good enough for you Fatou, but I’m begging you to give me a chance to grow for you.”  And just like that Fatou’s anger has molten away.  Kieu My looked so vulnerable and small kneeling in front of her right now, tears on her cheeks and eyes wide with anticipation.  She’d put all her cards on the table.  What more could Fatou ask?  Her feelings hadn’t disappeared, she felt so strongly for Kieu My.  And Kieu My wanted to be with her.  Kieu My not good enough?  Fatou took her hand.

“You are good Kieu My.”  Kieu My blinked in surprise, her eyes now shone with a hint of something else.  Hope.  Fatou cupped her cheek and kissed her softly.  Kieu My immediately responded.  She melted into the kiss, returning Fatou’s gesture with both relief and urgency, showing Fatou that she meant everything she’d said.  When they pulled back Kieu My looked starstruck.  She’d moved her hand up to hold Fatou’s as if to reassure herself that this was real.  Kieu My’s eyes moved all over Fatou’s face, from her eyes to her lips and back, she wanted to remember everything about this moment.  Then she smiled softly and kissed her again.  Fatou smiled back into the kiss.  Her whole body was ablaze with happiness.  When they pulled away again for breath Fatou wiped away Kieu My’s face and stroked her hair back behind her ears.  Kieu My was so beautiful.  Kieu My was kissing her like her life depended on it and she wasn’t going to leave this time.  They kissed again.  Then they hugged.  This was the first time they ever hugged and both Fatou and Kieu My took in everything about the other.  Their scents, their figures, how their bodies fit together so naturally.  Everything about them felt so right.  Kieu My moved onto the sofa and they were kissing again.  They went from kissing to hugging to staring and smiling back to kissing for what seemed like forever until finally the door swung open.  They thought they jumped back rather quickly, but when they turned they found Yara smirking at them in amusement.  

“I guess I’ll keep this to myself?” she asked teasingly.  Fatou and Kieu My looked at each other and smiled.  

#druck #druck s6 #kieutou #fatou jallow #kieu my vu #kieutou fic #locked in the storage room #mira's writing #kieutou fanfic

[saniyasyeda]

Stuff Eiji Can No Longer Do (contains spoilers of Banana Fish)

me and my best friend wrote these all last night after she finished Banana Fish, and I wanna cherish these so enjoy the pain and angst :) @velveticamoon

- eiji will never be able to look at pumpkins the same way, it reminds him of how ash’s fear of them.

- After hearing about ash’s death, eiji never be able to sit at libraries, let alone walk into one, it reminds him of how ash sat alone, hurting all by himself.

- eiji cant stand the tatse of natto or the smell of that fish anymore because ash didn’t like them.

- eiji doesn’t read comics anymore because ash used to buy/give him money to buy comics for him.

- eiji can’t wake up other people anymore because it keeps reminding him of how he would struggle to wake ash up.

- eiji hates avacodos and shrimps, they were ash’s favourite food.

(we were screaming at this point in the convo, we just kept adding on to the pain 😃)

- EIJI CANT STAND MUSTARD ANYMORE CUZ ASH LOVED IT - ESPECIALLY WHEN IT WAS RLLY STRONG BUT EIJI COULDNT STAND IT THEM ASH WOULD MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR IT AND NOW HE CANT STAND IT AT ALL.

- before, because of ash, eiji was able to pole vault again, but now that he’s gone, eiji can’t bring himself to pole vault, or touch or see anything of pole vaulting.

- EIJI HATES THE COLOUR EMERALD GREEN AND DOES EVERYTHING TO AVOID IT.

- HE NEVER GETS HIS EARS PIERCED BECAUSE HE THINKS BACK TO WHEN ASH GAVE AWAY HIS EARRING.

- HE ALWAYS CUTS HIS HAIR SHORT, BECAUSE IF IT GROWS LONG HE SEES ASH.

- EIJI CANT DRINK THE SAME BRAND OF BEER THAT HE AND ASH DRUNK TOGETHER.

- EVERY LONG HAIRED BLONDE MAN REMINDS HIM OF ASH, AND EVERY NOW AND THEN EIJI FORGETS AND RUNS UP TO THEM, BUT THEN HIS HEART BREAKS IN REALIZATION, AND HE WATCHES THE PERSON WHO LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WALK AWAY FROM HIM, HE FEELS LIKE HE’S LOOSING ASH ALL OVER AGAIN.

- EVERY TIME HE EATS PIZZA HE THINKS BACK TO THAT PARTY THAT HE THREW WITH BONES AND THE OTHER DUDE THREW FOR ASH TO SCARE HIM WITH THE PUMPKINS.

- HE HATES WITCHES BECAUSE HE DRESSED UP AS ONE IN THE HALLOWEEN PARTY HE THREW FOR ASH.

- HE CANT GO IN THE WOODS ANYMORE CUZ HE REMEMBERS WHEN ASH TOLD HIM ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF PUMPKINS WAS CAUSED WHEN HE RAN AWAY INTO THE WOODS.

- EIJI HATES HOSPITAL GOWNS BECAUSE THAT WAS THE LAST THING HE WORE BEFORE WATCHING ASH LEAVE FOREVER (this one hurt)

- EIJI HATES BANDAGES AND THE SMELL OF STERILIZER CUZ IT REMINDS HIM OF WHEN HE USED TO TREAT ASH’S WOUNDS.

- HE NEVER WRITES LETTERS ANYMORE BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT’S SOMETHING PERSONAL BETWEEN HIM AND ASH, SOMETIMES EIJI FORGETS AGAIN AND THINKS THAT ASH SENT A LETTER BACK, BUT THEN THAT PAINFUL REALIZATION HITS HIM.

- HE CAN NEVER LOOK AT A GUN AGAIN BECAUSE IT REMINDS HIM OR ASH AND EVERYTHING THEY WENT THROUGH - BUT IN REALITY HE KEEPS THE GUN ASH LOVED TO USE IN A BOX HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS ROOM BECAUSE HE CANT SEEM TO LET GO ( THE MEMORY THAT HURTS HIM THE MOST IS OF ASH TEACHING EIJI HOW TO PROPERLY HOLD A GUN IN THE MEDDOW AND EIJI FALLS APART JUST THINKING ABOUT IT )

- EIJI HAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLOSET THAT HAS CLOTHES THAT HE WORE WITH ASH, HE NEVER WEARS THEM ONLY BECAUSE HE WANTS TO PRESERVE THE ONLY THING THAT HE HAS THATS CLOSEST TO ASH - EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN HE’S BREAKING DOWN, HE’LL OPEN THE CLOSET AND EXAMINE THE CLOTHES, RELIVING EACH INDIVIDUAL MEMORY, EVERY NOW AND THEN A SMALL PAINFUL CHUCKLE WOULD COME OUT OF HIM.

- EIJI CANT SIT ON ROOFTOPS ANYMORE BECAUSE IT REMINDS HIM OF THE CONVERSATIONS THAT HE AND ASH WOULD SHARE STANDING ATOP THERE TOGETHER AND THE MERE REMEMBRANCE OF IT MAKES HIM WANNA JUMP.

- IN A SEPARATE BOX HE KEEPS SOME CLOTHES THAT HE MANAGED TO SALVAGE OF ASH’S AND HE PULLS THEM OUT TO HOLD ONTO DURING THOSE NIGHTS WHERE HE MISSES HIM TOO MUCH - HE ALWAYS MAKES SURE NOTHING GETS ONTO THEM AND KEEPS THEM CLEAN - IT DOESNT MATTER WHETHER THERES BLOOD OR HOLES RIPPED INTO THEM, AS LONG AS THEY STILL SMELL LIKE HIM THATS ALL THAT MATTERS TO HIM.

- WHEN HES STUCK ON A PROBLEM FOR HOMEWORK OR SOMETHING HE THINKS BACK TO HOW SMART ASH WAS AND WONDERS HOW FAST IT WOULDVE BEEN FOR HIM TO SOLVE IT.

- whenever eiji stays in a room with two beds, he thinks back to when he and ash would share that condo together. he might even accidentally call the person he was staying with “ash,” and his heart breaks when he realizes that it’s not him he’s rooming with.

- eiji occasionally visits the cape cod and asks if he can stay in ash’s room. even if there’s nothing of his left there now, the ghost of his belongings haunts him as he remembers the boy he loved so much and can never stop thinking about.

- he hates seeing pool tables because that was a prominent item when him and ash first met, and whenever he sees them, he sees flashbacks of every single memory.

- whenever he hears the words “pls stay by my side” in a movie or anything, his heart immediately breaks and he’s thrown back into a flashback of that night where he held ash in his arms as he sobbed his heart out to him. he then beats himself up because he couldn’t stay by his side. (this... she rlly came for our hearts with this one)

- eiji can never love the same, even if he falls in love again, he stays up in fear that he might lose this person too, so he distants himself and closes himself off from the person so eiji doesn’t get attached like he did to ash, he sees ash in every little thing that people do, every now and then, he sees something and gently whispers “ash would like that” “ash would do something like this”. he stays awake wondering what he could’ve done to possibly change this outcome.

- eiji forgets a lot that ash is gone, so every now and then, he’ll ask where ash is or if anyone knows why he isn’t answering his calls/texts. he watches the persons face drop and then turn into a sorry look, and the words hit him like a dozen knives and he’s brought to the painful realization, that the love of his life is gone, the realization that he’ll never be able to hold him in his arms again.

“eiji… ash is no longer here..”

#banana fish #eiji x ash #ash lynx #eiji okumura #we rlly said lets break our and other peoples hearts #i’ve been sobbing since last night #they deserve sm better

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, chapters 14-15 [Epilogue 3]

On to Epilogue 3.

The last Epilogue ended with a cliffhanger: prior to his disappearance, Dirk was constructing a ‘feminine’ robot, which Dave discovers is holding a note in its hand.

CW suicide for chapter 14. A successful suicide by hanging is described in some detail.

Also this Epilogue is really short and I actually read an entire nother epilogue before I realised that, so the next post will be very soon after this one!

Chapter 14

We get a POV chapter of Dirk, which might answer our question. This chapter is in second person, and brings back the “> Ascend” prompt, used so much throughout Homestuck. All that we know is “the world has been set on a path you cannot tread”. There are apparently no stakes or consequences - so Dirk has decided to kill himself. He succeeds, decapitating himself by hanging himself from a tower in a rather grim recapitulation of all the Dirk’s head jokes.

The narration is extremely self-aggrandising and condescending towards everyone else, as befits Dirk. Although exactly why he felt John’s decision to stay rendered anything he might do in the new world devoid of meaning or consequence, or prevented him from popping out into the Farthest Realm to get involved in some plots out there, is not immediately clear.

Although he’s god tier, the death ‘takes’:

Your body doesn’t get up, and your head doesn’t open its eyes. When you think so little of yourself as a moral character, any act of self-termination will result in a death that is Just. 

Friggin’ Dirk.

Chapter 15

Funeral time. It begins about as awkward and ridiculously as Dirk himself.

Most of it is given to a speech by Dave. It’s well-written, in-voice, and makes me feel stuff about Dirk Strider. He specifically addresses intrusive thoughts about suicide, the shit that Bro did, the way that Dirk mattered to them even as weird and self-absorbed as he was. Which does kinda mean something, because I guess I feel like, like Dirk, I live a lot in my head, follow trains of thought that mean very little to other people, but I’ve managed to make myself matter to others anyway.

Not gonna kill myself though. Not anymore.

Gamzee, for some reason, has Dirk’s note, and accidentally destroys it. The narration continues to emphasise how disgusting Gamzee is: how much he smells, how he’s clumsy, openly scratches his crotch, etc. His attempt to recap Dirk’s final message is mostly skimmed over in narration. Jake’s also gonna give a speech but the camera mercifully spares us that.

John, at this point, offers to retcon the suicide. Because... he can actually do that. There’s a brief discussion of the difference between time travel and retcon (if Dave went back, it would allegedly just create a separate timeline where Dirk does not die). Dave is like, no, don’t do that John... but John attempts to do it anyway, only to find his powers no longer work!

At that point Roxy shows up and proposes. What’s that thing they have in America, where the studios are doing a donation drive so they write loads of really dramatic moments into shows? ‘Sweeps’? ...oh it’s actually to do with the ratings system, trying to court advertiser money, but same difference. It feels like that right now.

Something about this doesn’t feel... right? Just a few weeks ago, Roxy was happy with Calliope, and now she wants to have his babies? John feels like he’s missing something important here, like he went for a bathroom break during the part of the movie where the plot twist happens. He should give Roxy some time, get himself some space. It’s all happened so fast that it’s suffocating.

Yeah. Calliope hasn’t shown up onscreen for quite a lot of chapters. What are we missing? What profound effect has John’s decision to stay had, that’s caused everyone to suddenly be obsessed with pinning down ‘endgame’ relationships, having children etc.?

Roxy once again prophesises that they will be ‘so freakin happy!’. I’m getting more and more uneasy every time those words are uttered.

(Apparently ‘prophesise’ is nonstandard, but I like the sound of it more than ‘to prophesy’, so I’m keeping that, nyeh.)

Epilogue 3 as a whole

Suicide’s a heavy subject, and describing in second-person and in detail is intense reading, but also a pretty harsh thing to do without (localised) warning. I would personally have put a content note at the top of this chapter, and invited the reader to skip to the aftermath if they felt the need.

The funeral was well-written, even if we’re like, skating from dramatic moment to dramatic moment - deaths! funerals! proposals!

I imagine if I was more invested in Dirk I’d be a bit frustrated to see him so abruptly killed off, but I suspect he’ll have a much more substantial role in Meat.

Will be interesting to see just what is up with Calliope...

#momestuck

[littlelovelymemes]

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[lettertoyoutwo]

I’m going to preface this by saying I love you both, and I’m going to try to refrain from making blanket statements and stick to what I’m feeling, by saying specifically that I feel this way or it seems like something. Feelings aren’t always accurate, of course. The only thing I’ll make statements on is what my therapist has told me as fact; and I’m only putting so much weight in what was pointed out to me strictly because it directly echoes the things my previous 3 therapists have taught me. It leads me to believe this single therapist isn’t randomly really off base. And something I have always valued my entire life is understanding other people, and growth. So this text is more about me coming into an understanding of the bigger picture, seeing areas where growth can happen, where growth has happened, and to explain my thought process in conjunction with my therapy plan this last year. This isn’t an attack by any means even if I do get emotional. Nor is this a woe is me, I’m not in the wrong at all letter - you guys had every opportunity to express your issues with me. I’m simply asking for the time and respect to have my feelings heard out.

Long story short: my therapist pointed out ways that you two have been breaching my boundaries, doing triangulation and black & white thinking, attempting to manipulate me, and showing a pattern for devaluing and discarding. I don’t believe you guys are doing it on purpose, or even aware of it, I think you’re doing what you think is right - unfortunately it’s not healthy. I was completely unaware of it and how much it’s been effecting me. If you’re not interested in hearing what I have to say about how this has been hurting me, and likely poorly explaining what my therapist saw that I didn’t, then don’t read any further I guess. Honestly with how you guys have been acting recently, I don’t expect to be heard out with an open mind and understanding of compassionate heart. I expect you guys to take something I say in here out of context/misunderstand it, and run with it; but maybe that’s my trauma history with a specific toxic ex friend causing me to be scared.

I’m hurt, and have been hurt for some time now. It didn’t make sense to me, and all I kept telling my therapists was “my friends are looking out for me/want the best for me.”

My therapist and I were discussing my recent stint of ‘should I leave kyle’ feelings while I was deep in PTSD mode these last couple months, and she asked me ‘it seems like we keep coming back to this from time to time, why do you consider it?’ And of course, I replied with my list of issues I’ve had with him. She then asked me like what all has he done in response, has he done this or that blah blah. And I’m like okay here’s how the convos go, he’s really stubborn and frustrating and defensive sometimes, he struggles seeing things from other ppls perspectives, this is how the convos go after talking to therapist about it, this is how he realizes things, this is what he does to implement what we talked about. And my therapist goes, “well, what else can he do? Thats a pretty healthy response” and how all we can do as people is learn and put effort into correcting it for next time. I’m like. Oh, idk then. And she asks me something along the lines of, “So do we think you keep coming back to this question because you’re scared, or do you feel pressured in some way to break things off?” And I go “I mean yeah maybe I’m scared to be vulnerable and trust someone is actually putting effort in to be better for me instead of just saying words like my ex, but my friends don’t like him, don’t think he’s a good person, and it’s effecting how they view me.”

My therapist was taken aback, to say the least.

So we spent some sessions going over how you guys have responded and acted since the very start. Previously I’ve only ever focused on Kai and what he did wrong and how it bothered me, and she would suggest how to approach it in a discussion and the talks would go well and she would be like yeah he responded like a healthy adult after the original disagreement. We never really talked about you guys, because I never really saw much issues. I genuinely believed you guys cared about me and wanted only what was best for me. Maybe you guys believed that too. Maybe you guys do, but your approach has been..less than ideal, to put it lightly. Actively harmful, to put it how my Therapist said.

Things have been obviously stressed between us for some time now. I’ve been feeling it probably since nov, definitely December. told myself you guys were maybe busy and going through stuff, especially at first with the holidays, that maybe you were feeling like I was being off and distant first, so I was patient and put more effort into talking to you guys and letting you know how much you meant to me. It felt like it got better for a bit, only to resurface a few more times. I’ve cried about it plenty, I sucked it up because I know it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel better or give me reassurance and I’m trying to be more emotionally self sufficient, even though a couple times I broke down and asked for it from you guys. I didn’t want to be a burden. I however didn’t realize I was scared to confront you guys and express how I was feeling and why.

At this point, I don’t feel like you guys like me. As a friend, or a person for that matter. I’ve known since like nov/dec yall were talking without me present, you stopped interacting with my on fb for the most part even after Ez got back from post block, you guys made plans to hangout with me repeatedly. It sucked, I tried to not read into it because of COURSE that’s okay. But there was a reason for it and it kept eating at me. I know why, or at least I know some of it. I might not be privy to everything you guys have felt, because you don’t communicate that with me. Maybe you’re scared, too. Maybe you feel like nothing you say will get through to me. Maybe you’ve been done with me and you’re just doing that thing Ez does where they...kinda basically ghost the person instead of talking about what the person did that upset them, and wait for the person to stop sending them PMs. Apparently, this is considered part of the silent treatment. I didn’t know that. Color me surprised. I’m assuming it’s because confrontation is scary, but only you can look inside yourself and question if there’s an underlying feeling of maintaining control in some way that goes along with it that you haven’t admitted to yourself yet.

I know the original stressor was Halloween, when permission was given to touch some butts and Kai said something really fucking insensitive he shouldn’t have. His opinion wasn’t needed. All because he’s used to jealous people and he didn’t want me to think he was into Ez or enjoying touching their ass that much, after they had flirted before. I literally couldn’t care less even if you guys had hooked up, it’s a nice butt, enjoy it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the reason for his comment that hurt you. I understand his mental process, I do not accept it, and he accepts he fucked up.

Since the Stressor in our “friendship” has been Kai, and your guys’ response to that stressor and your actions toward me has been what my therapist has the issue with, I’m unfortunately going to have to go over some things that do include him. I hope you read it over from a place of wanting to understand me, and how I don’t understand why, and not feeling like it’s an attack that you need to get defensive over, or like I’m defending him. I’m not, maybe it has felt that way though. Maybe there’s been a misunderstanding between us in that regard.

Was it shitty? Yes. Should he have apologized? Absolutely. I still believe he should, personally, because I think everyone should get an apology whenever the people are ready. You guys probably don’t agree, which is fine. Regardless, from what my therapist has said: That journey to apologizing is his, not mine. What he needs to go through to work up the nerve to face someone is his. Not mine. He wasn’t at a place where he could face his embarrassment and give the apology he owed. Does it say something about where he was at as a person then? Yes of course. Does it affect our relationship to this day? Of course.

Ez immediately told me that it hurt their feelings and they were crying! I was fuming, and couldn’t not say something, and talked to him about hurting my friends feelings. I blindsided him, and he was embarrassed and got defensive. Something my therapist pointed out that he needs to work on, and he is. It almost ended that night because that’s how much Ez meant to me, but my therapist told me: their relationship is not yours. Friends having a falling out has nothing to do with me.

Ez you never reached out to him to address the fact you were hurt, and I only asked clarification so I wasn’t assuming or in case Kai lied to me. As my therapist said, if such were the case: you inadvertently triangulated and turned me into a mediator in that moment whether you meant to or not. You confided in me knowing me well enough to know I was going to have to say something. Previously when you guys were at odds with eachother, I had already talked with my therapist and then expressed and set the boundary with both of you that I was done mediating, that it’s toxic for me and something I need to unlearn. My therapist said to stop mediating completely prior to the Halloween thing. Teaching me that people’s friendships are their own and completely separate to their friendships/relationships with me. You guys didn’t need to be friends in order to have friendships/relationships with me (I appreciated the effort on your part, of course). Essentially, you guys were adults, it was your guys’ to figure out. Confront him. If he was a whole douchebag and a half when he was confronted by the person he hurt, I’d have ended it right then and there. My therapist pointed out how probably unintentionally, you disrespected my boundary - and that this was classic triangulation. Eye opener for me, I didn’t think anything you had done was wrong. And part of it is my fault, I shouldn’t have said anything to Kai because it wasn’t my place nor my responsibility to inform him that he had hurt your feelings, it was yours. He would have been completely unaware that what he said hurt your feelings, I didn’t even think anything of it until you told me it hurt you.

Then you guys told me in I think November he still hadn’t apologized, meaning Ez was upset he never gave you the respect of an apology, which leads my therapist to speculate you must have wanted or expected one, otherwise why get so upset and handle this convo how you did. Wanted/expected an apology despite not communicating to him you were hurt and would like one - my therapist takes yet another issue with this lack of communication and putting me in the middle. You should have gotten one, of course. You and Alexa then brought up all these hypotheticals (which let me know you guys had been discussing it outside of the group chat, which was fine, but the start of some hurtful stuff) that made me angry with him and put me into super anxiety mode - what if he does really terrible hurtful even abusive things to me and doesn’t even think it’s important to apologize! I remember it so clearly, I was sitting at his DND during our convo and didn’t want him to even touch me. It was hard to breathe, I went to the bathroom to cry. You guys encouraged me to break it off with him. Apparently, this was capitalizing on my trauma history. A discussion happens between Kyle and I regarding this topic, he says how he wants to apologize in person and all this shit and I angrily inform him it’s too late, he majorly fucked up and waited too long to ever have a chance of repairing that. He apparently assumed from that there was no point and that Ez didn’t want to hear from him. He thought giving them space was the best option because he had hurt them so bad without meaning. That’s on him.

Because Ez you never went TO him. That’s on you.

You have no idea how much of a hot button topic this is in my relationship and how I hold it against him. How it’s a really blazingly red learning curve for him, that he could still lose me over it if at any point I decide I decide it’s too much.

I remember not too long after that talk, Ezra then made a “I thought we were breaking up with him” comment when I didn’t end things after a talk with my therapist at the time. It made me feel...weird. Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was. But now I understand that the whole conversation, capitalizing on my trauma history, making me scared of all the hypothetical what if’s, making me scared of the guy I was seeing, was pressuring me to leave him. I’m not sure if you guys even realize that or not? Like it was maybe entirely unintentional...but maybe deep down it wasn’t. You guys made some blanket statements at the time eluding to ‘he’s not a good person’ (I have zero idea if Ez was the one saying that in private chats first, or if Alexa was telling Ez that his actions made him a bad person - you guys know the answer to that between yourselves). I reasoned with myself that you were looking out for me, that you wanted the best for me, and so you were worried. I genuinely believed that, and took this as a show of love from my friends. Even if it were true, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it wasn’t okay.

Ez, you probably feel like I chose sides. You did with Isaac, for good reason. If Kai had assaulted you, or he had done this on purpose to hurt you, I absolutely would have ended things right then and there, and if it ever does come out that it was intentional with the motive to hurt you, I would end it. But he hurt your feelings on a supposed accident because he doesn’t think through what he says all the time and didn’t want me to be jealous. That’s not an excuse, it’s a reason for a mistake that he’s taking to heart and working on, because it’s a huge issue for him. You don’t have to believe it or trust him, he’s hurt you. It was stupid and insensitive. The thing is, I wasn’t mediating, I wasn’t ‘picking sides,’ it was your guys’ semi-friendship to sort out and communicate through and end if the damage was too much. It was personal between you two. Maybe you feel hurt and betrayed because I didn’t choose ‘your side,’ I don’t know. If you do, I’m sorry. Alexa if you see me not choosing Ez’s side as a betrayal, it would make sense the way you’ve felt/acted towards me, betrayal is a big trigger for you, and maybe you have a belief that only bad people betray. Idk, I always try to think of what reasons others have for the way they’re feeling/acting and take their stuff into account. Reasons for people’s actions are important to me. Understanding what’s going through their head is important to me.

But it’s something my therapist takes issue with again: picking sides, and/or wanting your friends to pick sides between personal fights is extremely unhealthy. Like, it’s toxic to expect that out of your friend. This was a thought I had had back then as a possibility, but I brushed it off. But, asking someone to pick sides in scenario’s like this is a part of triangulation and Black and White Thinking, apparently. Making blanket statements and labeling someone as a ‘bad person’ is part of Black and White Thinking. It’s a defensive strategy (sometimes due to being raised in a narcissistic abusive environment) but many people do it without realizing it’s an issue. Mentally ill people with a trauma history (gang gang) tend to do it the most. These are often actions that are normalized by abusers to their children and/or victims who then inherit the normalized habits without realizing that it’s wrong. I know from experience, and I had to unlearn wanting/expecting people to pick sides or putting labels on people instead of their actions and thinking of them as ‘bad people’ or ‘shitty people’ or ‘against me.’ These weren’t even cohesive thoughts I had, but I realized they were beliefs I held in my body over time in therapy. It’s toxic. One that reminds me all too well of my mom honestly. I still struggle with b&w thinking, but usually on the opposite end of the spectrum, seeing people as good despite their faults and making excuses for things that they never put effort into getting better, both SOs and friends. I’m learning to set boundaries and I need to expect them to be respected, but my boundary of not being mediator wasn’t. Ez told me so that in a way I would inform Kai whether they realize it or not, because they expected an apology and got more upset that they didn’t receive one when they didn’t reach out to him themself, immediately turning me into the mediator. That wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to expect me to pick a side when it was a personal thing. Of course it made me view him differently. It also made me view Ez a little differently, but again I tried to brush that off. You guys were looking out for me, is all. You guys care about me, that’s all

Triangulation and B&W Thinking, being a huge way narcissists deal with things, and realizing you guys were doing that even a tiny bit is probably triggering and this is where I start getting emotional and jumbled. I grew up with it my whole life, my mom going to my siblings to talk about me and get validation from them when I did something to upset her, or her coming to me to talk about my siblings or a family member and get validation from me when they did something to upset her. Because she thinks in b&w and immediately labels people as bad and wants everyone else within close proximity to her to agree with her. You’re either with, or against her. It’s 100% unhealthy. She turned siblings and family against eachother. It’s usually not a conscious choice to do it, and most people aren’t aware they’re doing it.

Some people even have Core Belief System that makes them think that this is normal and right to label someone after a mistake, or choose sides, etc. Core Beliefs vary, they’re often times stuff we learned in childhood that we have to unlearn as adults, like negative self talk. Kai and I have done some exercises evaluating his Core Belief systems and which ones are immediately unhealthy, and it was such a huge eye opener for him. I know when I started therapy, learning about the Grey Area blew my whole fucking mind and flipped the world upside down.

Honestly, I’ve stopped talking about Kyle much at all because your guys’ response is: no response if it’s something cute or positive he did, or you try to convince me I should end things, that I seem to want to end things, or that he’s a bad person when I’m frustrated. Or you say I’m making excuses for him when I explain what’s going on and what he’s become self aware of and has started working on, or tell me I’m doing too much when I explain what conversations we’ve had and how it’s progressing to better understanding and a plan to make it better in the future. Everything since Nov/Dec has been negative when I’ve tried, so I stopped unless I was at my wits end and couldn’t talk to my therapist first. I don’t tell you about all the ins and outs of our conversations we have after getting advice from my therapist, I don’t tell you how he literally does everything my therapist says a healthy person should do in specific circumstances. You only want to see and convince me of the negative. Which means, you guys have actually been manipulative in that aspect, and I’m not sure you guys realize it.

An example that stood out to me was when Ezra attempted to tell me, on I think two occasions, that him being jealous AT ALL is toxic and grounds to leave him. If you genuinely believe this, then this is a Core Belief you have about the word and it’s actually not correct. Jealousy is not inherently toxic, it doesn’t mean the relationship ‘is doomed’ or thst you need to get rid of it immediately, it is a normal human emotion. It depends on how your jealousy manifests and what you do/act on/how you communicate through it and work on it that makes it toxic or a healthy interaction. Every step of the way Kai has communicated through his insecurities and any jealousy he has had in a healthy way. But I feel like this isn’t one of your Core Beliefs ez, because you’ve straight up been jealous of him in the past and have felt jealousy in general, because you’re human and it’s normal to feel from time to time. I’m not sure if you’re struggling with self-shame for feeling jealous at times in your life, but it also feels like projection on your part. Regardless it was manipulative of you to try to tell me that and encourage me to leave the person you don’t like.

Something I noticed, especially after my therapist started pointing out some of this stuff, is how you guys kind of...blacklist people when they do something you don’t like. It made sense to me when it was something that hurt yall, but it was still a trend. I explained a handful of instances I watched this happen, and my therapist pointed out the Devaluing and Discarding that takes place each time, alongside some triangulation and b&w thinking. And like, I get it, because I’ve lived it, dealt with it, been in therapy for years discussing it and undoing it, unlearning habits I picked up from childhood and trauma defense mechanisms. Someone does something wrong, that you guys don’t like it don’t approve of, and you talk about them and make broad generalizations about them, get petty, cut them off or ghost them, and you feel justified because of what they did while you put a Label on them. Of course you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you’re allowed to not like whoever for whatever reason, but you guys (and I say this broadly bc I don’t know who’s the one doing it and who’s encouraging it?) do it to a degree that’s unhealthy to my therapist. I’m not perfect either, I’m not saying I am, so don’t put words in my mouth or assume that’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’ve noticed a trend with you guys. And frankly I was naive to think you wouldn’t do it to me after watching you guys do it to a handful of people.

Something I’ve learned in therapy over the years is that yes feelings are always valid, but they aren’t always accurate, or correct. I’m not gaslighting you and saying your feelings are somehow wrong, its just a fact about feelings. And this is often what leads people into b&w thinking, and devaluing. Have your feelings been right at times? Of course, and these defense mechanisms protect you from getting hurt again by someone, especially someone who’s shown they’re not on your side or they disrespect you. People will talk, and without realizing it make generalizations and put labels on others together, thus convincing the friend group to side with them. The “bad” person, who is a perceived threat is ‘not trustworthy/safe’ anymore, starts to get left out. They’re no longer considered, they no longer receive any understanding or empathy. Often everything they do is now judged with a ‘they have bad intentions/are being a bad person’ view. This NARCISSISTIC triangulation. It’s part of the Devaluing process. It’s an unhealthy, toxic, and harmful defense mechanism so you won’t be hurt by the target again. And if you can’t tell you’ve started doing it to me, idk how to open your eyes to that habit of yours.

There’s a difference between personal and DANGEROUS. Kyle hurt ezra’s feelings, he made a mistake and didn’t make it right, thus its personal between the two of you. He wasn’t immediately dangerous like You Know Who, who had assaulted Ezra.

A big problem is you guys have started Devaluing me; it’s not that it feels like it, you guys are. It’s been going on for a long time and I didn’t realize how bad or toxic it was until it was pointed out to me. I have become the new target, the new ‘bad person’ because I didn’t agree with you guys or give in to... manipulation? How fucking sad is that, I was defending you guys for so long, meanwhile you’ve been actively disrespecting me, ignoring my boundaries, and hurting me. Triangulating further within a new group chat, I’m sure.

Because you’re hurt and upset by my action of not choosing a side? Or not leaving him when you thought I should? Of making so-called excuses for him (there’s a difference between listing reasons for what lead someone to making a mistake that they’re working on, vs listing excuses for actions they made with zero effort and intention to work on - something I learned in therapy that my therapist reiterated to me when I was concerned that maybe I was making excuses for Kai. Him not apologizing excluded, that was done and too long to make right, so he’s putting effort into working on confronting people when he does something wrong so he never does it again, hence working on it). Maybe you feel like I actually chose his side, which is so not true - we just communicated over and over again through the issues his shitty actions caused between him and I. You can feel hurt, it’s so valid, and I’m sorry if I ever did anything to ever hurt either of you that I don’t realize or make you feel unimportant. However it genuinely feels like that it’s over me not doing something that is inherently unhealthy, and you guys have responded in a really toxic way...while at one point trying to convince me Kyle is the sole toxic one. You see how wrong that is?

We all are unhealthy in some way. We’ve all got our shit. I’m thankful to have been in therapy going on 6 years now and have gotten perspectives from multiple different therapists. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and working on my unhealthy habits, there’s things I could have done better - and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad because I wasn’t perfect. Mistakes don’t make people bad just because it wasn’t ideal or perfect. You’re not inherently bad for reacting in toxic ways due to your childhood, either. Even if you guys read this and scoff and get defensive and put words in my mouth or misconstrue what I’m saying in order to support your Core Belief system that I must be the bad person who’s solely in the wrong, I still dont think you’re bad people deep down. Obviously you’d be not ready to give yourself a long hard look and work on yourselves if that WAS the case, but whether you do or don’t isnt my business, it’s your personal journey.

Yet you guys think I’m shitty. A shitty friend. That I’m defending a shitty person. That I’m making excuses for him - when understanding and helping him work through his shortcomings and mistakes and learn to be better isn’t making excuses or being shitty. Was I shitty because I dated my abuser after he raped me, because I thought if he was open to it I could help him unlearn some stuff? No. This is part of that devaluing process, one I’ve been sitting here for months knowing full well it’s happening, watching my ‘friends’ exclude me, leave me on read countless times (dude it’s a form of Silent Treatment, you realize that?), being left out, avoided, triangulated against, and vague posted about. I’ve cried so many more times over how you guys have been treating me under the guise of ‘love and care and friendship’ than anything Kyle has done to me. And anything he’s done to me was a one time mistakes he learned from, and immediately implemented ways to avoid it in the future; asking questions and looking things up and learning. A healthy response to mistakes. The sociopolitical stuff took time to identify what was holding him back from seeing and learning, and now he’s working through that. That’s effort and progress. We APPLAUD effort and growth, do we not? We ENCOURAGE learning and growing, do we not?

Anything I say and do now is being interpreted as wrong/bad. You guys are putting words in my mouth and assuming the worst from me instead of giving me any understanding or being like ‘I know she didn’t have bad intentions with how that was worded, so I must be interpreting it wrong’ - it’s literally triangulation and devaluation. Both toxic narcissistic habits. Alexa, you can stop vague posting about me. And Kyle. You’ve done it quite a bit, and have for a while. It’s so passive aggressive. You can confront me through text like an adult and be like ‘it feels like this, did you mean it that way’. I wasn’t expecting yall to sit down at the exact time I laid out to have a full in depth convo with me - I just needed to say what I was thinking and feeling, and let you guys know about when I would be sending you guys whatever I had to say, that way if you happened to be free or done with work and whatever you got going on, maybe you could set some time aside to read it, instead of days later. Because as “friends” I feel like my feelings should be important enough to try to get to my text within a reasonable timeframe, instead of leaving me hanging. That’s not feeling ‘entitled’ to your time dude. That felt like when I said I was free at this time and would be sending something, that you guys assumed I expected something from you guys at that time frame. Which wasn’t true. And, I didn’t make excuses for Kai’s actions, I understood where he is at in his growing process and why, and I’ve held him accountable for his shit and he’s working on it. Again, “Reasons imply that fault is sincerely recognized and accepted, that you take accountability for your actions. An excuse is used to justify, blame or defend a fault with the intent to absolve oneself of accountability.” One involves effort, the other doesn’t. How would you guys know what he has and hadn’t realized and accepted and started working on with me and my therapist? You guys have wanted zero to do with him, so he’s followed that wish and he’s doing his own inner work. You be posting all this stuff about being a better person when you’re being petty asf and passive aggressive, and he’s literally working to accept and take accountability for stuff and be better next time around. And acting like he’s that ‘devils advocate’ meme yall posted? Must be projecting that he’s that kind of person because he’s been similar in some ways to people who do that. You’re projecting those people on to him. He’s never once played devils advocate in our discussions, his goal has never been to frustrate anyone, he just didn’t get it. He thought being “just the way he was” was a good thing for people to be because it was a Core Belief of his, that sticking to whatever you think or feel no matter what was a good quality in people. He’s past that now, and he’s going to continue to be better. Petty of you to equate him to my mother and project that onto him, when you guys have been not super self aware of how toxic you’re being.

I’ve dealt with Mean-G!rl friends who go and make group chats without me, talk about me behind my back, vague post about me, don’t put much effort into hanging out or even replying, and don’t confront me to talk through things or just.. end the friendship. I think we all have dealt with that. What I haven’t had is a partner who treats me nicely, as a priority, puts effort into loving me the way I feel cared for, who isn’t perfect but he’s trying to be better, being open to seeing things from other views, changing his actions and thoughts so he can be a better more sympathetic and less insensitive person, looks things up and reads about stuff and starts conversations with his own self realizations and creates plans on how to be better or how he will implement the things we discuss, and then acts on it. No one is perfect and we all have flaws and toxic traits. I’m not ready to give up on the only person I’ve met who really does try to change things to be better despite not being entirely self aware of everything he needs to work on, I’m not ready to give up on someone’s ability to become a better person just like I wasn’t ready to give up on your guys ability to do so. Maybe one day my meter of shit I can take will be full and I’ll be done, but that’s my process within my healing and growth.

This was an important part from my therapist: What you think is right regarding boundaries might not be right for me, and that’s okay. You don’t need to try to convince me what I SHOULD be thinking or doing, because you’re not my therapist, you’re not me, you’re not perfect either. You definitely don’t need to be trying to convince me, or manipulate me, and then getting upset with me and devaluing me when I don’t adhere to your way or thinking. I was raised with that, and one of the biggest themes in my therapy journey is learning how NOT OKAY that is, how it’s toxic and ABUSIVE, and I need to form my own sense of what I want and can and can’t handle and set boundaries for me and my life. That’s my journey. You guys have been getting in the way of that.

Has he said some racist stuff from a place of ignorance? Yes. Has he previously been defensive and not open to hearing out others? Yes. Have I almost ended things over it? Yes. Did I discuss it with my therapist before making any decisions? Yes. Did he and I have multiple calm and collected discussions about it afterwards before I made any decisions, where progress was made? Yes. He gets it now and sees how he was wrong and insensitive. He gets how even if he didn’t mean it that way, that’s how it gets interpreted by literally everyone, and so it’s wrong and there’s better ways to communicate his utopian desire for ‘everyone getting along.’ He said ALM as his own view that he sees everyone just as important as the other and wants the world to be that way one day, not realizing that too many people use ALM to silence black people. Now he’s out telling his coworkers that All lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter. People will evolve over time when someone takes the time to educate them. That’s the beauty of human nature. And that’s the one thing he did, he’s been pretty adamantly ACAB and talking about how corrupt and racist the government and police are since he and I started talking. When he makes a post about it is up to him, that’s part of his journey and growth, we can’t dictate when someone should be ready to do something.

Ezra you tried to say how ‘we we both grew up in conservative houses and we unlearned that stuff quick.’ Per my therapist: Great! We were lucky! We had resources and people to teach us when we were young and we understood the bigger picture! Not everyones journey will look like ours and that’s OKAY. It doesn’t make their journey or process less valid or wrong because it wasn’t just like ours. That was pretty close minded of you honestly.

You also mentioned how he’s a centrist, and that it’s basically right wing. Yeah, sure. It doesn’t mean his views might not change after being educated more, especially now that he’s open to it. You’ve called Cassi a centrist and talked about how annoying it is, yet I watched you not too long ago defend her in a comment and call her ‘one of your best friends.’ So her being a centrist or basically right wing doesn’t make her a bad person, or a shitty person, but it does him? What has he done besides hurt your feelings on accident and not apologize, and be a centrist? Being insensitive? People struggle with different things. Some people genuinely lack empathy from being on the spectrum that has them make mistakes, are they automatically shitty people for being insensitive? That makes your feelings toward Kyle being a bad person seem EXTREMELY personal, like you’re possibly holding a grudge. Which then only makes the manipulation and triangulation you’ve done in response so much worse.

I don’t want to hear about how his ALM comment and lack of understanding makes him a complete racist and that it now makes me a bad person for staying and trying to get through to him and educate him, from someone who stayed with an abuser who said the N word all the time. That seems like cognitive dissonance. I’m shitty, but you’re not? Right it’s Alexa who says it makes me shitty, so Ez isn’t shitty, but I am? Ez learned their lesson with P*t, but I’m not allowed to learn my own? It makes me shitty? Or he’s shitty for now learning his mistake and being open to learning more? Like, Matthew was on one of my posts a couple months ago saying some ignorant absolutely borderline racist shit, then started actually attacking one of my islander friends over a misunderstanding he had when we were trying to educate him on what he was talking about, and Samantha came on the comments defending him saying ‘he’s being dumb but he’s not racist I promise.’ But she and Matthew aren’t shitty people, right? Or are they, because Matthew was being shitty to my POC friend and calling him names, and Samantha “excused his shitty behavior”? Guys I’m at a loss here, and it really feels like nothing he says or does can be ‘right’ to you, and so now I’m turning into the target because I’m not agreeing with that.

I’m sorry he’s done something to hurt your feelings and he never made it right. That was between the two of you. You don’t know what I hold against him and what I don’t, and to what degree it’s damaged our relationship or not. My relationship is mine to sort out, it is ultimately up to me to work through whatever thoughts and feelings I have regarding it with my therapist and when I no longer can continue for whatever reasons I have, I will end it. My therapists have been adamant on not allowing myself to be swayed by your guys’ opinions on ‘you’re doing too much work’ ‘that sounds like a lot’ ‘I wouldn’t be able to do that.’ Their response has been: Great! You’re not me, and this wouldn’t be a relationship for you. That’s okay! I absolutely do not need to adhere to your idea of a healthy relationship for YOU, because I am not you, and that’s okay! This is ultimately my journey of healing and figuring out what’s right for me and where I draw my lines and boundaries. I’m still figuring that out - that’s okay. I will be figuring that out for years to come thanks to my childhood and ex abusers, but the way you guys kept trying to convince me is actually counter productive to my healing and serves as a way to put me back into someone else’s box that they built for me. You guys ended up trying to put me in a box you built for me. In my opinion, that’s shitty. My abusers did that to me. Why would you ever do that to someone?

It FEELS like you guys don’t even like me, and have just hung around to try to convince me Kyle is bad and I should leave him, which is so manipulative and means you guys have been.. really fake to me. Those times Alexa would inquire about him and seem interested in how things were going? Feels like you were trying to get info to take back to the group chat and talk shit about me. You’ve told me you love and care about me despite being passive aggressive, petty, vague posting your true feelings about me, and probaxmy saying bad stuff about me in private. That feels fake asf and super two faced. Honestly it makes me doubt the whole friendship, like you never even liked me and only put up with me because I was friends with Ez. That sucks. As much as I try not to label or say people are bad people... someone who takes my effort for friendship while secretly thinking I’m a shitty person for being understanding of someone and trying to get through to him, and then pretending they love and care for me to my face, isn’t exactly being a good person in the situation. Could I have brought this up and expressed my feelings and concerns at any time? Of course. But I think I was kind of scared to, like I could sense the devaluation going on.

Your adamant dislike of him is rooted in something pretty obviously personal from my point of view, which is fine, but your reactions to such have been toxic, hurtful, and harmful to me directly - your “friend.” Alexa chose a side, and engaged in the triangulation and the manipulation when she felt it was justified after he had done something to hurt Ezra, you’re defending Ezra and probably feel like this makes you a good friend/person. I get it, and a younger, less healed version of me would have done the same - but it’s genuinely unhealthy. All of this these past few months has been void of any understanding on your guys’ part for his own journey as a human on this planet, and even for MINE, all due to the fact you decided you didn’t like him and clung to any reason you had to label him as a Bad Person. You see that right? And like, you didn’t have to give him any more chances in your lives. He was cut out of yours. That’s fine. But now I’m guilty by association, because I gave him the chance to learn? What the fuck guys.

Excuses are giving reasons without putting effort into any change.

Explanations are giving reasons for what happened before the change.

Explaining and understanding someone’s psychology and what lead them to make mistakes is not making excuses, so long as the person is making changes. There’s a difference, one I had to learn in therapy. Kai is learning, growing, and changing his thoughts and views and he deserves a chance to do so even if it’s under scrutiny. We praise growth around here, I thought? But I’m a “shitty” person for doing so? I deserve the disrespect from you guys? The triangulation? The manipulation? The silent treatment? The devaluation? What the fuck is the excuse for your guys’ behavior? I’m thinking about it and getting hurt all over again. This isn’t an attack on you guys at any point, I’m just fucking distraught to be informed by my therapist that the people I thought loved me have been HARMING me.

Perhaps you think he’s had too many chances and you’re telling yourself you’re ‘looking out for me.’’ And that’s fine, neither of you are dating him. You’re not friends with him any longer, you haven’t been. There’s no reason for either of you to give him chances. My boundaries for relationships aren’t the same as yours either, and it’s not necessarily right or wrong; it’s a process. But this clearly isn’t about keeping me safe anymore, and I’m not convinced it ever really was. The hurtful, toxic things you’ve both done say otherwise about your concern for my well being and safety. And if you’re only concerned or care so long as I’m doing what you think is right/best, then your ‘love’ and ‘care’ is completely conditional. If you only value my friendship when I’m agreeing with you, then you only valued my validation. You guys told me I deserve better and shouldn’t settle for how Kyle is, but why do I deserve how my supposed friends have been behaving and treating me for months now?

A big part of my therapy journey is learning to see unhealthy and healthy people and put my effort into the right people. I’m so fuckin proud of that boy, and even if it doesn’t last I’m still going to be happy that he’s more self aware and can work on improving himself, he has had a lot of stuff he learned in childhood and his Core Beliefs that were unhealthy. Things make so much more sense to me now realizing that I didn’t choose a side, because subconsciously I knew it was toxic and that something wasn’t quite right. I think that shows a level of growth for me, even if I didn’t handle things perfectly, even if this essay is messy and full of emotion and paints me in a bad light for confronting you guys on the things you’ve been doing that have been hurting me.

Obviously, in my therapists opinion, and something that I’m realizing... you guys have been really toxic towards me in ways that make you currently not good friends for me. Once upon a time, yes, but it seems like you guys started to resent me somewhere down the road and never communicated that to me. This is all of what I’m aware of, that might explain WHY you guys have acted this way toward me, projecting and taking your stuff out on me. Again it’s genuinely not an attack, I’m not saying you’re bad people, I’m informing you guys that you’ve done some bad stuff I’m not sure you realized (worse if you did) and also communicating how you guys hurt me, and what seems to be the downfall of our friendship. I hope that you’ll see it and self reflect instead of trying to justify your actions, but that journey is yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re more comfortable triangulating and getting validation that you’re in the right, it serves to protect the person who did it. But the way you’ve both handled things has been really unhealthy in general, but especially for me and my growth. You could have just said months ago, ‘I don’t feel comfortable being friends with someone who won’t pick sides, or continues to try to give chances to someone I think is a Bad Person,’ and left it at that. Sucky, it would have hurt, still a little toxic regardless, but you’re allowed to set boundaries for your life and they’re ALWAYS valid. You didn’t do that. You didn’t confront anyone about anything, just tried to sprinkle in your opinion of him and what you think I should do whenever you got the chance. Maybe because you wanted to get through to me and convince me to end things with the Bad Person so maybe we could continue our friendship, or maybe so yall would get the satisfaction of being rid of him completely, or being Right, but since I haven’t now I’m turning into target that you talk about and hold resentment towards. Manipulation. Triangulation. Devaluing stage. Discarding process. Instead of bringing up your issues with me, to me. You guys understand how shitty that is, right?

A shitty, toxic environment I brushed off and dissociated from and tried to not let it effect my love and care for you guys, hoping you would understand that the place I’m coming from is one I have worked SO HARD through therapy to get to, and that setting boundaries with you guys and with Kyle was a healthy step in my healing and learning process, and that you don’t know better for me or my relationship than my therapists. That I need to explore for myself what I’m willing to put up with and live with or put effort into working on to find my personal happy, because all relationships are work, even friendships. A shitty toxic environment that has turned into resentment on your guys’ parts, and now started brewing in me over how you guys have treated me. A shitty toxic environment that could have been avoided in soo many ways, by literally any of us communicating properly. A shitty toxic environment that I don’t want to be a part of.

I love you both with all my heart. I will always be rooting for you and your success, and I’ll always be here to genuinely help you with whatever if you need it, not to try to get some tea and push a narrative on you. You did things that hurt me but it doesn’t mean I think less of you or that you’re overall bad or toxic people with terrible motives, you just happen to have toxic traits that came out when you felt hurt and wronged. Alexa, I hope you continue to enjoy therapy and I believe so much in your growth and I know one day you’ll be past the trauma. You’ve got this. Ezra, if it’s still something you want, I hope u can one day find an inclusive therapist that will be covered by your insurance. I hope you guys have wonderful fulfilling careers and relationships. I believe in you guys so much. I really hope Levi continues to be amazing and gives Ez all the love they deserve and that finally they have something healthy and rewarding, I hope the VA helps him and he can get a lot out of therapy and his anxiety gets better so he can live freely. I want you guys to be healthy and happy in your lives.

Please understand this friendship isn’t ending because of Kyle - he is entirely separate from my relationships with the two of you - it’s ending because my therapist opened my eyes to extremely harmful behaviors and how somewhere down the road the negative thoughts and devaluation got to the point that you both started being shitty towards me. It seems you guys haven’t wanted to be friends for a while, and it sucks you drug it out instead of just communicating that. Honestly even if you guys did acknowledge what you have been doing to me this whole time and apologized for it, I feel like you don’t even like me enough anymore to work on the friendship and communicate ways I could be better for you guys too, and you’re more comfortable surrounding yourself with people who don’t challenge your Core Beliefs. It was silly of me to hope you wouldn’t do all this to me, but here we are. Friends come and go. It’s the bittersweet part of life that I’ve worked for years to accept without hard feelings.

I’m genuinely sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you guys, know that it was never ever intentional. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done that had felt like I’m not being a good friend, or to make you think I deserved the way you guys think or talk about me. I tried setting boundaries and being understanding, thats all I felt like I could do, but I see where I could have been better in some areas. Life is about learning and growing, so I’ll take this as a way to be better in my future friendships too.

If you actually read all of it and tried to understand where I’m coming from, I do appreciate it.

[lokidiabolus]

I just saw your update on Ao3 - the one-shot was amazing :) I loved every single one of you Newtmas story and I was wondering if you'd like to write a second part of 'Husbands'? The one in which Thomas lost his memory and Newt is a sad little bean xx ily anyways

Husbands - part 2

AO3 version.

Hi! Sorry the Husbands update took so long, and even more sorry it doesn’t end with the second part x.x I sure hope it does with the third! Have a great day ^^

“It thought Newt could come over fordinner today.”

Thomas hummed, his eyes skimmingover the text on his phone, and it took him few seconds before he realized hiscompany around the table quieted down abruptly. He raised his head in questionjust to see his whole family staring at him expectantly.

“Uh, what?” he blinked and Ava’sface told him there was something big hanging in the air right now.

“Newt?” she repeated with raisedeyebrows and Thomas cleared his throat.

“What ‘bout him?”

The conversation they had in their flat was the last one so far andthey haven’t spoken since. Thomas had several weak moments where he wanted toat least text him, but he always stopped at hey,because he had no idea what to talk about. Reminiscing about the pastendeavours was out of the question when he didn’t remember even meeting the guyand he didn’t want to ask him about it because he stubbornly wanted to rememberby himself. But the memories didn’t come no matter how hard he stared at thepictures in his phone, and he was ashamed he couldn’t bring anything to his ownmarriage at the moment.

“Today’s dinner,” Ava repeated patiently.Was a little weird for her to be this meek, but Thomas counted it towards herbeing careful with the whole business around Thomas’ malfunctioning brain. “Ithought Newt could come over?

“Sure?” Thomas replied simply. Itwas no big deal, right? He wasn’t uncomfortable around the man. At least hethought he didn’t – the convo they had back then broke some ice so having himover in the house with his whole family that could eventually distract himcould do them good. It wasn’t like Thomas was nervous or anything (he thoughtthat while trying to force down a weird feeling tickling him in pit of hisstomach).

“You don’t mind?” Ava’s expressiondidn’t change and the rest of the family was peering at him with similar looks.

“No?” he let out and the tightanticipation in Ava’s face finally eased off.

“Alright then,” she relaxed backinto her seat and Aris with Teresa started to eat their breakfast again, likethey weren’t just staring at him for minutes like two vultures. “I thoughtlasagne is a good choice.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled,glancing back at his phone. Was it Newt’s favourite food or something? It was alittle annoying all of them could say much more about his own husband than hecould.

“Call him to come over, would you,”Teresa’s voice flew over the table to him with faked sweetness and he shot hera glare. She just smiled at him, but he damned well could see the horns peekingfrom under her long black hair.

“Yeah, whatever,” he repeated in alow grumble and after that they finally lefthim alone again.

***

Thomas [10:11]Come over tonight. Dinner time.

Newt [10:14]Sheesh, don’t be so friendly, my heart can’t take it.

Thomas [10:16]Was perfectly friendly and I even threw in a food invitation. You have no rightto say no to free food.

Newt [10:20]Crap, you won me over.

Thomas [10:22]Was there ever any doubt?

Newt [10:25]Hell, I dunno. Maybe like constantly.

Thomas [10:27]You’re so fun. Expect you at 5. Wear a tie.

Newt [10:30]A tie?

Thomas [10:32]Or a dress, I won’t judge.

Newt [10:34]I have my nicest at the cleaners’, sorry.

Thomas [10:37]A tie will do then.

Newt didn’t text back and Thomas tossedthe phone on the bed with a sigh. He didn’t know how to talk to him. He had noidea what to talk to him about either. It was like a person made of glass, likeapproaching it without the right tactics could shatter it, and it just didn’tmake any sense. The photos were clear as a day – they were a couple, they werein love, yet now a brick wall was standing between them.

He crashed next to the phone,bouncing on the mattress few times before the motion stilled, and buried hisface into the pillow. It was already difficult enough to get acquainted in hisjob he had no recollection of either, but people were at least helpful there.

Not that Newt wasn’t helpful. Well,quite frankly not that he was either. He just… existed. There, somewhere, intheir flat, alone. And Thomas left him there because he didn’t know what elseto do or what his husband thought orwanted. When he didn’t even remember meeting him, maybe it was uncomfortablefor Newt as well? They were basically strangers now.

He groaned and turned to his side,his sight immediately falling on the golden ring resting on his bedside table. Wearingit felt wrong, not wearing it felt wrong as well, so Thomas just left it there– on sight, but not on him. When talking to Newt a week ago, it was fine andThomas even thought being around the blond wouldn’t pose a problem. But thenext day and the day after, and basically all week later he just didn’t knowanymore. So he didn’t text him, didn’t call him and Newt kept the silence aswell.

And now the dinner. Newt seemedpissy over the texts as well. Was it because Thomas didn’t call him again? Ormaybe something at work happened. Or he just didn’t feel like going for dinnerwith the whole Thomas’ family. Or with Thomas specifically.

He blindly reached for the phone andstared at their conversation as if he could deduce something else there – acoded message or a sign. He found nothing.

Thomas [10:55] Are you mad at me?

He wasn’t sure what to expect afterasking that, but he still clicked send and waited. He expected no, of course not, because that waspretty much a standard when dealing with unpleasant topics while being in thegrey area. Thomas didn’t need the politeness, but quite frankly wasn’t surewhat exactly he required instead of it.

The phone finally beeped and Thomasstared at the answer for whole minute before the word reached him properly.

Newt [10:59] Kinda.

“Kinda,” he repeated and rubbed hiseyes. Another message beeped.

Newt [11:00]Kinda don’t even want to see you rn.

That stung and Thomas sat up with afrown. Okay, fine, so he played the dead bug, but he didn’t deserve this. Hedidn’t do anything wrong and if Newt wanted to talk to him, he could have,nobody was stopping him from taking a phone and sending a text or call.

Thomas [11:02] Tough luck, you are invited and I will be there.

Newt [11:07] Wellthen. Tell Ava I am busy.

Thomas [11:08] You tell her.

Newt [11:09] Fine.

Thomas cursed and tossed the phonenext to him again. What the hell was wrong with that guy? He was like hot andcold from Katie Perry and he hated that song.

Ava was not going to be pleased.

***

He didn’t see Ava the wholeafternoon. Basically he didn’t really see anybody that much – Teresa went out,Aris was in his room playing videogames and Ava nowhere to be found. He roamedthe house like a ghost, not entirely sure what to do with himself, until henestled in the living room and turned the TV on to some dumb cooking show.

It took about five minutes ofwatching the food being made, which reminded him of today’s dinner probablyhappening in less festive manner, until he grabbed phone again.

Thomas [14:47] What exactly is your problem anyway?

Newt [14:48] Ohwait, let me think.

Thomas grumbled. This was literallyleading them nowhere. He gave Newt five minutes and when no other text came, hedialled his number with a childish need to at least tell him he acted like ajerk for no purpose whatsoever.

Newt picked up on tenth ring,seemingly wanting Thomas to give up, and his what sounded like a death sentence.

“Why did you put me on your goddamnshit list?” Thomas skipped the pleasantries as well and Newt on the other sideof the line scoffed. Alright, so they were already in the arguing phase, whichwas just great. He wondered how often they argued normally.

“Bloody hell, Thomas, do you reallyneed me to spell it out for you?” his accent was more prominent when he wasangry, Thomas noted. “I’m in no mood for that right now.”

“Well, I am,” Thomas shot back. “Iinvited you for dinner and you turned it into a shit show, so what’s up?”

“Youinvited me for dinner?” Newt snorted over the line. “Ava made you.”

“What difference does it make?”Thomas rolled his eyes and heard Newt whisper Jesus under his breath. “Just come for the stupid dinner!”

“Oh yes, now you definitely changedmy mind,” Newt uttered and Thomas heard door being shut somewhere in thedistance. Was Newt out somewhere? “For what even? So we would glare at eachother over lasagne?”

“Well, if you keep this up wedefinitely will glare any given moment,” Thomas said sternly. “Are you mad Ihaven’t called you over a week? Is that it?”

Only a sigh came from the other sideand Thomas pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to argue. He didn’twant to make a drama out of it, no matter how weird or uncomfortable or forcedit would feel in the beginning. He didn’t text him over a week because thewords just didn’t come, not because he didn’t want to see him ever.

“Look, I didn’t know what to tellyou,” he dropped the voice lower. “I just don’t know how to talk to you cuz itfeels like you expect me to be somebody who I don’t know how to become.”

“What?” Newt finally spoke andThomas took a deep breath.

“It’s just…” he tried, but the wordswere stuck. “Just like. I am not him, you know.”

Silence.

“The guy you married,” he tried toelaborate clumsily. “I don’t know how I to become him so you’d be fine with itand-,”

“Don’t do that,” Newt interruptedhim quietly.

“But why?”

“Because that’s not how it works,”the voice over the line sounded sad. “And because I don’t want that.”

“Me?” Thomas croaked out.

“What?”

“You don’t want me?” anymore his conscience supplied and ithurt. Yes, he didn’t remember meeting him, he didn’t remember falling in lovewith him, and marrying him and cutting the cake at the reception and makinglove to him in the bed, but he knew he would one day, or maybe never, butcutting him off completely was just… not it. Not right. Not ever.

Newt’s voice hitched on the otherside and it was painful. The silence stretched between them infinitely, onlythe faint noise of the cooking show was filling the background.

“I want you,” Newt finally said.“Bloody hell. I want you so much here at home with me, you have no idea. But Ican’t have you and it’s just too much.”

“Who said you can’t have me?” Thomascountered immediately.

“Tommy.”

“I haven’t said that,” Thomasinsisted.

“C’mon, you know it’s like-,”

“Come for the dinner,” he didn’t letNewt finish because it scared him to hear it’snot like that now or it’s not likeyou love me now since that bullshit was way over the line. “Please.”

Another sigh.

“Yeah, okay,” Newt replied faintly.“Okay.”

Thomas spent the rest of the afternoonin front of the TV, while clutching his phone close to his chest.

***

When the doorbell rang, Thomaswasn’t surprised nobody went for the door, but expected him to do it. He didn’tcomplain when getting up from the sofa, and when approaching the door, he stillfelt reasonably calm and controlled, until he grabbed the handle and the entrywayrevealed his lost husband in a leather jacket and jeans.

“Look who’s here,” Thomas welcomedhim and Newt offered a small smile while raising a hand with bottle of wine init.

“I brought a treat,” he let Thomastake the bottle before walking after him inside of the house, automaticallyputting his jacket in the closet without further prompting. He moved around theplace with ease and Thomas had to remind himself Newt was part of the familyand not a random guy who came over for dinner, no matter how alien it looked. Whenhe started heading towards the living room, Thomas’ hand grabbed his wrist andstilled him.

“Wait a bit,” he said quietly,pulling Newt back to the hallway, and the blond went relatively easily. He hadstrange expression though, something akin to fear, and Thomas hoped he would beable to get rid of it someday.

“What is it?” Newt prompted him,when Thomas kept quiet even after they stood in on the spot for a minute incomplete silence and Thomas was still holding Newt’s wrist in his hand,squeezing it gently.

“Thanks for coming,” he saidfinally, hesitantly looking up to Newt’s confused face. “I really appreciateit. And sorry for not calling for so long.”

“I didn’t really expect you to,”Newt commented in a low voice. He didn’t move away though. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not really fine,” Thomasinsisted. The conversation they had over the phone earlier today still rang inhis head, and he didn’t know if it was guiltiness that kept urging him to makeamends or not. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Oh please-,”

“No, I mean it,” he stopped Newtfrom pulling away. “I want to know you better too.”

The blond shook his head with asigh.

“Look, if this is about the phonecall we had…” he vaguely gestured with his free hand, but then no other wordscame out of him. Thomas hummed and let go of his wrist just to slide his handlower to brush against Newt’s fingers.

“I hate the thought of you beingsad,” he mumbled unhappily, looking at Newt’s long, slim fingers he gentlytouched one by one. Newt didn’t move his hand away, but his breath hitchedseveral times during it. Thomas decided he kinda liked the sound. “I just-,”

“The ring,” Newt stopped himsuddenly and Thomas glanced back to his face.

“Huh?”

“You’re wearing the ring,” the blond’seyes were glued to Thomas’ left hand and for a fraction of second Thomasthought Newt would freak out and leave. He took the ring shortly before thedinner party started and it was more of an attempt of how he would feel with it– he absolutely planned not to leave it on. But it felt good, like it belongedon his finger (which was true anyway), so he left it there because it was hisanyway. Nobody from the family commented on it, if they even noticed.

“Well. Of course,” he let Newt togently touch it, like it was the most fragile thing in the world. “It’s mineafter all.”

“Yes, but-,”

“I want to leave it on, if you’realright with it,” Thomas didn’t let him say anything and Newt took a shudderingbreath before nodding.

“I’m alright with it,” he concludedquietly. It made Thomas feel a lot better about the whole day.

#prompts #tmr #newtmas #the maze runner #husbands #Anonymous

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode seven

Welcome to the best episode of the season, brought to you by Clear Blue, the Mile-High Club, and Amazon Sunglasses. BOOP! Let’s cut to the feeling!

Nothing like sweating out a hangover! I love watching Juliette and Kelsey work out while I’m sitting on my couch eating cereal for no reason at 8 PM. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. The friends start discussing the previous night at White Buffalo Saloon. After Alex and Juliette had that emotional convo outside and she left, they ended up talking on the phone for SIX HOURS. Six hours! I just want to know where Alyssa was while Romeo was telling Juliette he still loved her over the course of 360 minutes. Shout out to Kelsey for being a good friend and telling Juliette that Alex is “a bag of dog shit. On fire.”

The face your best friend makes when you confess that you’re talking to your ex. 

The only thing I hate more than lying is longboarding. And Amanda is guilty of both. Though she and Brandon may be moving fast on their weirdly oversized/emo skateboards, their relationship is slowing to a halt. Brandon starts quizzing Amanda about where she disappeared to last night, and she looks genuinely offended that he had the audacity to question her. Why is it that whenever people are guilty, they get so defensive? Any sociologists out there to give me their two cents? (Shout out Alex, for confusing psychology with sociology in episode five. Never change. <3)

This scene is already annoying me because Boring Robby, Jake, and Joe are setting up for the “Rebella” party. Number one, I thought we were done with Boring Robby – get off of my screen – and number two, as much as it pains me, I have to agree with Alex on one thing. Rebella looks like a complete and utter scam. And if I wasn’t so distracted by the beads covering Joe’s face, I’d report this to the Better Business Bureau as a potential money laundering cover-up. As Robby wonders if Juliette will show up, we cut to Juliette and Kelsey’s house. Kelsey, excited to get to the party to see her boss/love interest Jake, convinces Juliette to go. Nothing like showing up to your ex-boyfriend’s party two days after breaking up with him.

Why do people insist upon having tough convos over coffee in this show? First Juliette and her boss, then Robby and Amanda, and now this. As Madisson sits down with Chloe to grab lattes, things get serious quickly. Madisson is having a pregnancy scare! After tearfully confiding in Chloe, Madisson works up the nerve to get a test and Facetimes Dad “Baby” Ish to see the results. I’m sorry, but if my girlfriend randomly Facetimed me at work crying about potentially being with child, I’d be a little more emotive than Ish, who was apathetic about the whole situation. (Clearly, there’s a reason he was behind the camera and not in front of it.) After Madisson finally puts us all out of our misery and checks the test, we discover that she is not, in fact, carrying Ish’s spawn. Shocker! But now she’s forced to think about the reality of dating Old Man Ish since he’s an old man. Does she need to have kids sooner now since her boyfriend is practically in the grave? My head is spinning, I can’t think about this right now. Hopefully, that’s the only unwanted pregnancy of the season!

The Rebella party is in full swing, but instead of showing us the party, the producers have decided to show us forty-seven flashbacks, yet again. Can we please stop with those? They happen eight times an episode and eat up precious airtime. Like we KNOW what happened in the last episode, thanks. As Juliette and Boring Robby ignore each other, and Jake and Kelsey discuss their budding potential relationship, we get to see a glimpse of former cast member Carson! Who is now known to us as “Brandon’s friend.” Usually, the producers will bring on random people and then just never speak of them again, (shoutout Canvas, Tawni, Madisson’s sister, Pauly Paul, Ben, now VICTORIA, and many more) but this time, we get to see one. It’s kind of like seeing a ghost. Hi, Carson! You’re a brunette now! How are you doing? Where did you go? Are you okay?   

With no time for childish nonsense, Alex and Chloe are hammering out business details at the Crescent Club. While making a specialty mojito, Chloe sees a video of Juliette at the Rebella party. And once Alex hears she’s there, it’s game over. He becomes genuinely enraged and immediately fires off a text to Robby. Normally I would find his reaction hilarious since it proves that he’s desperately jealous, but the text he sent contains a screenshot of Juliette confessing her love to him earlier in the day, which is just embarrassing. Boring Robby, now would be a good time to start chanting inspirational quotes while you foam at the mouth and seize, you’re going to need them.

Earth-shattering. That’s how I would describe Boring Robby’s reaction to the texts from Alex. It’s reminiscent of that scene in Stephanie Meyer’s third novel in the Twilight Saga, Eclipse, when Bella accidentally lets it slip while ditching school with Jacob that she plans to become a vampire upon graduation. Jacob is shell-shocked. Although he knew this was looming, he had no idea it was happening so soon. I mean, not only would this break the treaty – remember, the Cullen clan is banned from not only killing, but also BITING any human – but this is also the girl who Jacob presumes to be the love of his life!! (Even though he hasn’t imprinted on her.) Before this show, I could only imagine his exact face when he found out Bella was going to become a filthy bloodsucker. (His words, not mine.) He even said he’d rather she be dead! Luckily, Robby’s face at this moment is all I need to visualize Jacob’s. After the soul-crushing texts, Robby runs up to Juliette to confront her. He accuses her of faking the entire relationship, then tries to prove it by asking Juliette to name her favorite moment or memory from their relationship. After Boring Robby waits in silence for a few seconds, Juliette responds, “SEX ON A PLANE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?” Icon!

For the record, I know Jacob’s face during that shocking scene was portrayed by Taylor Lautner in the cinematic masterpiece Eclipse, but as a self-proclaimed Twilight expert, I felt that this real-life moment of Robby Hayes actually paid homage to Jacob’s raw emotion more accurately.

Back at the Kompothecras mansion, Alyssa, Gary, Alex, and Alex’s nameless mother are drinking at 10 AM. I stand by my hypothesis that Alyssa is trying to replace Alex’s mom and bang Gary. I can think of no other logical explanation as to why she keeps thudding around Alex’s parent’s house without a bra on. It’s funny that she has time to paint on a full face of makeup, but no time to cover her nipples. As they sit down for drinks, Alyssa immediately starts talking about how Juliette is trying to “weasel her way back in” and that “she needs to back off.” What’s that? Juliette, the girl who has dated Alex for 3+ years is trying to “weasel her way back in”? That’s great, coming from the girl who got pregnant after three months of NOT EVEN DATING ALEX. No yeah, um, that’s just, great. Good insight, Alyssa.

Since Alex was abroad for his birthday, he’s decided to throw a party for Jared. Even though I’m a little mad that Alex didn’t throw his annual banger, this party provided us with a lot of content, so I’m not going to pursue a lawsuit with Gary. Earlier in the episode, we learned that Jared is a divorcé! That’s right, when Jared was in the navy, he was married to someone and got divorced after a year. Young love. Even though he’s having a fun birthday party by the beach with all of his friends, he’s fixated on getting a call from his ex-wife. Finally, she calls and we learn that she’s coming to town next week. Interesting! As they hung up, they said “I love you” to each other, and then Jared got really emotional. Also interesting! We’ll learn more next week. Stay tuned!

As Alex and Alyssa hang all over each other, you can see Juliette seething behind her Chloe’s sunglasses. She decides to go confront Alex against literally everyone’s advice, and I’m already cringing. Juliette marches up to Alex and starts trying to get him to admit, on camera, that he said he still loved her over the phone. Alex blatantly denies it (even though it’s definitely true,) and then up comes Alyssa. She immediately starts berating Juliette, saying that she’s “crazy” and “false.” I’m just laughing at how naïve Alyssa is. Poor girl. She will soon become all too aware of what a manipulative liar Alex is. Okay, “manipulative liar” is a bit of an overstatement. That makes him sound intelligent. He’s just an asshole. Either way, I’m violently triggered by the idea of my liar ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend calling me psychotic and laughing in my face. So when Juliette pushes Alex in the pool and pulls down Alyssa’s bathing suit after Alyssa throws a drink at her, I’m not mad about it! As a final touch, Juliette hurls Chloe’s now crumpled sunglasses back at her, then, as everyone is trying to escort her away from the pool, she tugs down Alyssa’s bathing suit yet again, adding a final, “boop!” Pure class. Team Juliette for life. See you on the Key next week!

[spicedchaicoquette]

What even happened to Nick?

I met Nick off of Tinder. Our first date we went to a bar downtown. If this sounds like a plain beginning, then it’s a perfect start for for such a plain guy. You might be shocked right now thinking OMG she is using a first name! It’s true, Nick is his real name, but I don’t even know his last name. I actually don’t know much about Nick at all. As quickly and quietly as he came into my life, he left the same exact way.

“How was your date?” My roommate asked.

“It... was?” I replied.

“It was what?”

“It just was?” I laughed as I said it.

“You’re home earlier than I expected.”

“That’s what I was thinking on my way home,” I laughed again, “I tried to hit up Hall on my way home but he said he was busy.”

“Oh it was that bad?”

It wasn’t bad. It just kind of abruptly ended, he didn’t want to walk downtown anymore, so he walked me to my car, we exchanged a weird hug and I went home.

“Idk I wasn’t ready to come home I guess, so I hit up Hall to see if he wanted to hook up, don’t judge me! I guess he wasn’t into me, which is fine I wasn’t exactly super into him.”

“Why?”

Why wasn’t I into him? He was nice, and the conversation was decent. Slightly awkward, but I can’t judge on that aspect. He was just... plain. Maybe it was the thrill of dating and being free that made me text him back when he texted to tell me he had a good time.

“I am surprised to hear from you, I thought maybe you weren’t into me.” I texted him back.

“No I had a great time. I want to see you again. This week? Maybe this time we can meet at my house? 😏”

6 months before this I would have been too timid to meet a guy at his house after only meeting him once, but after acclimating to the dating scene and the world of Tinder I quickly found out this was pretty common. So I agreed.

Our first night of sex.... not memorable. It was, I am going to say it again, kind of plain. We watched a movie, of course made a ton of jokes because I am not a serious person, he felt me up, and it escalated to sex. We would sext each other sometimes and even that was nothing to write home about or in a blog in this case. So what is the point of this story? Our last night of sex and his disappearance. Don’t worry I didn’t kill him, this isn’t that kind of story.

We saw each other off and on for about 3 months, on the last night we had sex something was different. Nick was a bachelor through and through. His very expensive, but very empty apartment made it noticeable so. He didn’t cook. Ever. We had a joke about all the different ways he could eat frozen burritos, because it’s mostly what he survived of off. On the last night I saw him I offered to make dinner for us at his house. He didn’t even own the right pans for me to make dinner in. So I carted all the food and pans and supplies I needed into his apartment, and I didn’t even make it through the door when he started kissing me. Which for Nick was oddly different. Usually he waited until we were half way through our movie. I dropped my bags in the door way and kissed him feverishly back. His spark of playfulness immediately got me excited. We clumsily pushed the bags in the apartment and he slammed the door shut with his foot. His hands started exploring under my shirt as he continued to kiss me, pushing me towards his kitchen island. I took off my shirt and bra with haste as he firmly grabbed my ass and helped me onto the counter. Kissing his way down my neck he made it to my breasts. Spending time to circle his tongue around my erect nipples. Sending sensations down my back into my thighs. This was memorable. This is what I craved. He slid my pants off and planted his face in my pussy. The way he sunk his lips into me reminded me of how someone would dive into a succulent melon. Letting the juices run down his face. His arms engulfed my legs with force to bring me to the edge of the island. As he ravaged my pussy I could feel my climax building. He abruptly stopped, much to my dismay, and awkwardly picked me up. My legs lifted up but I fell backwards and we tumbled onto the floor. We laughed for a good minute until he held his hand out to help me up and we made our way into the bedroom. He pushed me back onto the bed so he could pick up where he left off. I was still giggling from our awkward kitchen moment until he vigorously used his tongue to recapture my attention. He slid his fingers into me while his mouth devoured my clit. The combination of sensation made me cum quickly. As I lay there in unconscious ecstasy his hands gently explored my body, an endearing side I had never seen of Nick. We laid there and joked for a few mins before he turned to me and told me to turn around. I flipped onto my stomach and he put his hands into the crevice of my hourglass waist. Slowly guiding he pulled me back towards him. “This is what you want right? Nice and slow entry so you can feel every inch?” He hissed in my ear. He was right. It’s my favorite moment. The first glide. After he slowly slid his cock into me he pulled back out to tease me. Until he started a rhythm. I followed his lead so I could savor every thrust. He started gaining momentum quickly, bucking behind me. He grabbed my throat and turned my head up towards him. “Fuck you feel so good.” He quickened his pace almost to a point of pain. “I want to cum on your face.” He pulled out and I quickly spun around. My movement wasn’t fast enough and he came on my tits.

After we got cleaned up he jumped in the shower and I cooked him dinner naked. He asked me to stay the night, which I don’t normally do, but in the spur of the moment since it was late and we had split a bottle of wine during dinner, I let down my guard and said yes. We had sex twice more before I left, so I guess it didn’t really count as sleeping. In the morning we exchanged awkward conversation about our plans for the day and the weather. I cleaned up the kitchen packed my pans and extra food and I left. The whole night (and morning) was completely out of our routine and his character at least what I knew of him. The following week we fell back into our plain text conversations with our plain sexting. It wasn’t until about a month after that, that I realized I hadn’t heard from him. What even happened to Nick? I went back and reread our last convo to see if I had accidentally ghosted him. Or maybe he had ghosted me? He was the last to text but our dialogue had been about a TV show and a reply from me wasn’t warranted. I thought about texting him that day but decided that maybe he felt the same since he also hadn’t reached out. Is there a secret blog about what had happened to me? Probably not. I think we used each other to fill a void but it was like an itch you just can’t scratch. It still feels good when you get close but it leaves you desiring more. So wherever you are Nick, I hope you filled your void. And I hope you’re okay.