#if you act entitled to my attention I can guarantee I won’t give you a second more of it

[sugar-petals]

:: random things about boyfriend yoongi

↳ ♡ NOTE I saw this format floating around the fandom and thought it was cool and sweet (just like our honey boy so here it goes) 😊  includes an sfw and nsfw bit, both can be read independently.

words. 3k

SFW

First off, Yoongi is laid-back and casually sexy the way we know him. But he also has spikes of energy where he actually gets a little clingy. Any opportunity he will use to hold hands or jump around like a madman with his gummy smile because he got excited about something that you never could predict would make him so happy. He truly is an epiphany.

He’s your most eager personal chef but funnily enough a little unsettled by onions so you end up helping him. Yoongi hates to be crying in the kitchen because of some evil little vegetable but hey, perfect time and place to spend half an hour huddled together cooking or baking. And Yoongi is secretly longing for a cheesy scene, he finds it romantic when you wipe the tears from his face.

His way of speaking to you is a mix of mumbly Korean, high-pitched pouty cat speak, and old-school English slang phrases that he learned somewhere on social media or award shows back in 2018. Most of the time he takes things seriously but is up for some joking anyway. He is sure to giggle every now and then which is really adorable of him. Yoongi is also the person who gets every nuance of your humor and reacts to it.

After being single, you really have to get used to someone waddling around the house. Like— oh, he’s there! And it’s none other than him! Since Yoongi isn’t noisy when he concentrates on his laptop, it really stands out when he morphs from his unmovable rock-like being to a slow rolling stone headed towards the kitchen from time to time. You have to blink every time. And how could you not look up, he’s walking by with his cutest oversized sweaters and striped fluffy socks.

He cannot hide things that normal people would try to keep secret — because of their own discomfort, but he is good at blocking out things that serve your comfort. I’ll explain what I mean. If you have been keeping up with Yoongi postponing the reveal of his surgery until it was successful, you know what I mean. In short, Yoongi is pretty much an automatic filter for things that disturb you. Knowing the right time and place to inform you is the key. As is disregarding things that don’t concern you as a couple, unnecessary drama and opinions. He’s really good at that without ever trying to sugar-coat the important things because he remains a frank and honest soul.

Yoongi has an easier time giving random presents for simple occasions rather than making a big deal out of traditional festivities. So, big celebrations are often kept simple — unless the rest of BTS is there advocating their ‘a little party never killed nobody’ motto — while Yoongi focuses on getting you something attentive or useful every other day pretty much. He’s still a frugal type, you know him. It’s more about inexpensive things that catch his eye because he heard you likes this or that type of snack or want this or that sofa cushion. 

There’s always something new and surprising in the fridge and it’s hardly ever empty because Yoongs takes care of the groceries, really thinking it through. Just personal chef things. Being Yoongi’s partner must be the most destressing thing. He takes responsibility for the worldly things, the ironing clothes and the trash cans. He himself thinks that’s the easiest shit ever and is ready to put time into it (he sees the merit, it drives him) while thinking your side — the sheer act of being in love with him, being there for him — must be hard. Which it isn’t. 

Yoongi thinks emotions and relationships are tough and complicated while daily life runs smoothly at the snap of a finger. You think maintenance is a drudgery while love is not the maze your boyfriend assumes it is. Deep down Yoongi thinks he’s unlovable and a bad person, that’s why he believes he doesn’t have the burden but you have. That your affection then blazes past the barriers in Yoongi’s esteem is something that he finds incredible. It catches him off guard there, you burst the bubbles of the flaws he falsely imagines he has.

You bet your ARMY bomb you’re watching cat videos together.

Guess who’s the first person to hear all of Yoongi’s upcoming hit tracks? Even Namjoon gets the first sample ten minutes later. You gotta be really advanced at keeping secrets and avoiding accidental leaks with your phone or something.

Yoongi hesitates with the analogy because it’s a little funny and you’re evidently not a steaming liquid made of beans, but he claims you really are like his daily americano. Makes his every morning better. 

Now, in all seriousness. What means the most to him is that you take him how he is and are stable company. Yoongi is afraid of betrayal and stupid games so he has to be sure to have a safe bet going. I think that’s why he fancies marriage, it’s a sign of commitment and some degree of permanence to him. And yes, he is a bit jealous in nature since he’s easily invested in someone with a purity of feeling, almost in a naive way. Yoongi easily idolizes his partner and puts a lot of energy into a bond. He wants to protect that, take the risk, and he has watched for someone who radiates genuine trust and faith. He is sure to have found it in you without any illusions and he is right. Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty.

Playing the piano for dinner or date night is a must, he practices constantly to advance to a great standard. He secretly finds a lot of satisfaction in you cooing at his skills and melodies. Those ten bony fingers gliding over the keys with such a technicality and focus, and a passion that makes you hold your breath, it’s great to watch.

Did you see that one coming? He will compose and produce a designated mixtape only for you personally. Yes, with a little self-filmed, self-cut music video for the title track. 

Now those things never see the light of day, they’re all for you. But what about your couple life once it touches the social realm? As one might expect, Yoongi is very ‘eyes turn narrow’ with people who bring disharmony to your dynamic and the relationship in general. In fact, he is grumpy and disappointed, and should someone give him a reason, distinctly brutal. If someone even attempts to test you or plays manipulative games, Yoongi is relentlessly turning them from the inside out with his words that never miss the mark. They’re efficient. As I said, he hates playing annoying games, he’ll do any shortcut and be Yoongi.

I guarantee you can lean back and will never the fazed by stupid people and time wasters again. No need to lose face. Yoongi does the dirty work and is the best possible defender to have on your side. He handles that. Invasive opinions and useless phrases he will shove right up some trashtalker’s ass and leave. Let’s squarely say he is unafraid to be a armchair critic of your and his haters and doesn’t want any of that nuisance to disturb what you have together. He cuts very quick and makes sure not to get tangled up in trouble.

Yoongi will also debunk a whole bunch of weirdos on weverse asking about your private love while he’s at it. Prepare for some very entertaining snide remarks. Oh my god, so many entitled people will be pissed off. Many will also celebrate him for stepping up. What’s actually important to Yoongi is that nobody taints what is like a treasure to him.

It won’t be hard to overlook that Yoongi is very proud of you as well. He looks confident and revering when he hangs out with the group and you’re somewhere close by, even just doing something trivial.

He’s also pretty touchy, sometimes publically to demonstrate something, but mostly in the relative calm and safety of a hotel room. When the lights are out, all barriers crash, the utter romantic takes over. His favorite types of kisses besides those onto his hands are when you kiss his lashes. And yep. Yoongs is such a cozy little spoon. A very curled up one with cute shooky pajamas on most likely.

Talk about clothes. Believe it or not, Yoongi’s fashion goes through a significant change due to the relationship. He knows that you are touchy and thinks about what kinds of flannels are the biggest cuddle magnet, after all. And oh wonder, he will also show some level of skin when he accidentally hears your praises for his arms and legs and collar bones and glowy skin while talking to a close friend of yours. So, look forward to that in summer (he still dislikes the winter cold and wraps himself into scarves twice his size, mind you) though it’s still for your eyes only, he covers up when going out. Truth be told, he enjoys when you casually touch his skin. Especially the arms. Which hold up the firmament to you, and your world, too, and guard it.

BTS will know about how excited he is about you because he often boasts about for how long you’ve been living together by now. We all know this is Yoongi’s favorite way of bragging and it further shows that loyalty, dedication and longevity is the spice to his every meal.

Yoongi is probably going to quit the bottle because you naturally make him feel at ease and upbeat. In fact, he simply forgets about his wine. I don’t have to convince you that Yoongi will be very immersed in any interaction with you whether that be watching movies or discussing his latest tracks. 

Those discussions come with extra back massages for him because he spends a lot of hours in his chair. Especially around the neck, it’s no secret that this is in every cat’s top 3 favorite massaging areas. Yoongi is gonna make some really raspy, sleepy sounds and just melt in your hands. He’s gonna sleep like a baby afterwards every time. Sometimes, he says funny and cute things while he dozes. He looks very content.

Say goodbye to the 21st century adulting annoyances in your life because Yoongi has a grip on those without a word. Those six specific chores that always plague you take him only a dozen minutes and he is eager, the forms to fill out are already sent off, the list of people to e-mail is weeded through. The taxes are paid, the bank account is full, the meals are on the table, garnished to perfection. Roof over the head, and it’s a sturdy one, Yoongi bought a sound haven house to inhabit a lot of happiness for two. 

He’s probably the only person who doesn’t see it as a loss of dignity if you want to hold on tight to him during a dentist visit as a grown ass mf. Why all of this? Yoongi cannot not strive to feel needed in his actions. He wouldn’t like himself if he couldn’t contribute something reliable and useful. That you find things worthy of your time is priority. You complement each other, what you think is a waste of energy makes him work and strive and vice versa. That way, in the end all things are taken care of.

Giving is more important than taking in Yoongi’s world. He thinks of everything because he considers it an offense to have you in a pile of duties, that is, if you don’t like ‘em. It’s his form of dedicating his efforts and showing respect. He doesn’t need much in return. The things he expects if at all don’t feel like a duty: Much like he doesn’t consider doing those acts of services for you likewise.

Work horse he is, he needs something on his daily to-do plan. Which includes making you feel unbothered by the occasions of an incoming strict world when it’s getting to you. You’re supposed to do what you feel like doing just like him and not slave away at fifty deeds. That you torture yourself with daily life hassle is the thing he dislikes seeing the most. He enjoys doing these things so he’s happy to get going.

What’s not a daily life hassle: Holly is a big fan of yours. Instant friendship. Just wanted you to know.

He always knows how to preoccupy himself and finds something to improve. Getting on your nerves, and that’s no surprise, is the last thing Yoongi will ever do. In fact, you sometimes have to search for his napping spot because he got lost somewhere in the house. 

He either sleeps or works, his philosophy is simple. If you need him, he does appear seemingly out of nowhere. And, he spends as much time with you as you enjoy, not always prioritizing his producing unless it’s urgent or he’s on an inspiration streak. Which is great anyway, you can sit next to him listening. It’s the right balance of work and play.

Yoongi is not above blatantly showing off. Actually, he goes for an act of stunning pretty often. You know how cats parade around whatever they just caught. He wants to impress you with assets and accolades and appraisals, the boy can’t help it. That you only lightly nod at most of it with a little smile will confuse him but he will get the point later on. You wanna signal Yoongi that you anchor your love for him not in shifting numbers and chunky metal pieces. 

That you don’t confuse his signs of outward worth and fame with the core of the guy you find the sweetest in the world is very important to him. He will take some time to see through that because he’s used to being loved through status and its symbols by people close and afar. 

The way you throw yourself at him to give a big smooch in random situations — especially when he doesn’t feel great about himself— rather than only when he say gets a new car is sending him a message. Again, he has to grow into that. He will retreat at the beginning because he feels worthless of your affection on days where he doesn’t feel big and bold and successful. But since he sees you jumping on him because you need only his kind and squishy presence and see him as no different than usual because he’s always Yoongi underneath, your boyfriend will change his mind about it sooner or later. He learns that your presence makes him feel like a billion dollars yourself.

You don’t wallow in the regrets of other people missing the point of Yoongi and instead focus on always understanding him rather than enabling Yoongi into wrong directions. And there are many of those, his mental health can tell you a thing or two about it. He begins to get that you really know what you’re doing and are in it for the real him which makes him feel really loved far underneath all surfaces and images. You accept his fame and admire his work with music which is what he’s truly doing it for but also don’t forget that the most vulnerable Yoongi is the one that you’re there for and not a facade.

NSFW

I know you’re curious. That Yoongi’s sexual style is more than just interesting goes without saying. To give you an idea. Anything steamy with Yoongi means him taking his time. You know, for making it quality. Yoongi wants to grow into the right balance of activity and staying relaxed. He is good at keeping cool and bringing some focus to the madness. He wants to figure out how to be more casual instead of tense and overly preoccupied which he’ll be at the start of the relationship. But the fast learner he is, his nervousness fades way faster than you think. 

Yoongi is extremely afraid that he can’t please you or starts to become awkward slash clueless so he darts to the opposite of the spectrum and overperforms, even plays a character. You have enough cool yourself to tell him what to do in the pace that works best. That he stays centered in his body is important for you to teach him. When he gets grounded and juggling his confidence is out of the equation, he fucks the best.

His favorite position besides giving oral — with you on your back — will be doggy style. Man, we gotta talk about that. Slow to upper moderate pace, nothing too all over the place. Yoongi moans very slowly, too, all drawn out. Get ready for a frequent session of some anal to unwind. You heard that right. First, Yoongi will get the two of you into the right rhythm with his hands at the sides of your waist, then, ride it out in slow mo with his right hand properly stimulating you from the front. 

By habit, he will add some lube here and there but not use insanely dripping amounts so everything gets messy or he can’t touch you without sliding off anymore. Just enough to slide well. Yoongi is so good at this I swear, it’ll be your favorite thing to relax. He has the restraint and technique to pull it off rather than pulling out, huh. Yoongi is gonna stay inside you for ages. It feels like he’s massaging every spot for some extra time. It’s amazing to slack off your muscles, cool off, and get many a gentle but fulfilling orgasm. 

He’s not gonna put you through the hassle of dealing with an anal creampie cleanup so he keeps it wrapped, and mostly focuses on your movements altogether while keeping his own climax smooth and more relieving rather than something that relentlessly knocks him out in one go. Yoongi is good at observing and doesn’t feel the need to chase a violent high which is why he is so great at sex. Fucking with Yoongi leaves a wholesome feeling and you never feel ashamed or guilty, or a sense of being dirty and ruined. 

He enjoys having sex to make you feel really good and works his hands on you very respectfully. His goal is to have you wet and pulsing after a long while of getting you there, and putting you to a good night’s sleep. He’d feel terrible if he left you sore or disturbed. He is really passionate, especially with his kisses or when you ask him to slide into very deeply, but Yoongi being brash and controlling is an image out of sight.

Besides giving you the number one heavenly assfucks, Yoongi also likes to work his tongue as we know, and he’ll work it all over. Few body parts of yours have not made contact with that glorious mouth and I say that in the best of ways. You can instruct him to do whatever, Yoongi obliges with radiant joy. And here again, he takes minutes upon minutes. Kissing and kissing and licking and maybe even teasing once or twice to make you smile. You know, a little signature wink. Honoring your skin and every shape is not something that Yoongi has to talk about, he will physically show it and I swear it’ll finally get into your head with every little move, Yoongi has totally surrendered his tongue to your body and worships it.

#yoongi #yoongi hc #bts smut #yoongi smut #bts #yoongi x reader #boyfriend yoongi #yoongi scenario #yoongi imagine #bts x reader #boyfriend bts #bts bullet points #bangtan

[nonbinaryeye]

Of course I can keep a secret, Mr. Smirke

Written for @jonahmagnusweek

Day 2 - Community

Jonah Magnus is very interested in joining a community formed around Robert Smirke. He isn't accepting any new members but that's just a minor inconvenience Jonah can work with.

Read on AO3

...

“Barnabas are you certain it is alright for me just come like that? Without a proper invitation? Have you discussed with at least someone that it won’t be an issue?”

“You worry yourself way too much, Jonah. It is fine, trust me. How many times do I need to say it?”

Jonah sighs as his dear friend pushes his concerns aside yet again. But how could he not be a bit worried? He has been in a London for just a few months and even though he feels like he learnt in that time more about manners and society than in his whole life before he is still somewhat uncertain by his own place within said society. Unlike Barnabas, he doesn’t have years of practice to act so nonchalantly, demanding things as if he was somehow entitled to them.

Things like becoming member of one more or less secret gentlemen gathering. As unofficial the community around promising young architect Robert Smirke tries to be there is many rumors everywhere trying to determine what is the purpose of it and what are they discussing there?

Fortunately for Jonah his dearest friend was a member of it. Unfortunately said friend could not be less interested in anything happening during any of their meetings. Whenever Jonah asks him about what they were talking about Barnabas only shrugs because he never pays attention. He is member just because it seemed to be appropriate for man of his position and possession. That is also most likely why he was even invited to participate in the first place because – with all respects for his friend – it certainly could not be because of his wits. And if he was not losing so much money gambling there with other members he would be probably already kicked out.

“It will be delightful having you there, Jonah. You wouldn’t believe how boring the talks of most of the members are,” Barnabas says and Jonah only politely smiles. He cannot wait to engage in exactly those discussions that his friend describes as boring.

His dear friend Barnabas Bennett is – well – quite interesting person. He usually manages to be quite entertaining company for he seems to know everyone’s secrets and loves nothing more than sharing them with him. Also he is very fond of Jonah and very kindly offered him to stay at his place for unspecified amount of time. Unfortunately he can also be incredibly ignorant sometimes. There is only so much time Jonah can stand talking about art, poetry and music – which are the only subjects of any substance Barnabas has any knowledge about.

They arrive to a reasonably large house. Reasonably for this part of city; anywhere else it would be considered quite big. Jonah’s nervousness grows every second and he adjusts his collar even though there is not anything wrong with it. He would love to ask Barnabas for a hundredth time how exactly he looks but he is already raising his hand to a knocker. Upon knocking young gentleman opens with a frown on his face.

“Mr. Bennett, you are late. As always.”

“What can I say I am a busy man,” Barnabas waves his hand even though only thing he has been busy with today was interrupting Jonah’s reading by complaining about how this morning his eggs were a bit overcooked and by trying to get him to help planning his next travel abroad.

“And this is?” the man glances towards Jonah who has a bit of a hard time to hold smile on his face. He glances to Barnabas who for once remembers there is some etiquette to be followed.

“Mr. Smirke let me introduce you to my dear friend, Jonah Magnus. I brought him here today with me for he has expressed an interest to join our little gatherings.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” Jonah offers his hand. Smirke hesitates before shaking it for the shortest amount of time which politeness requires.

“I would like to say likewise but I am sorry for I am about to disappoint you,” Despite his words there is no sign of regret in his words; only annoyance which is at least much more than on Jonah aimed at Barnabas towards whom Smirke turns. “As you should know Mr. Bennett we are currently neither looking for nor even considering accepting any new members.”

Jonah should have immediately known that as always by: ‘it is fine Jonah no need to worry,’ Barnabas meant: ‘I have no idea that if it is really all right but I intent to argue until it is.’

“I don’t see what the problem is Mr. Smirke, it is just a one person.”

“The problem Mr. Bennett, and if you bothered to pay attention for once you would know, is that matter we are discussing is too delicate and sensitive to just present them to anyone. Not to mention that their nature is also quite complex and complicated. Last thing we need is to trying explain it all to someone new and risk one more tongue to getting lose.” Jonah hangs desperately on every word painfully aware how close yet so far he is. There is million questions in his head and he would love nothing more than to start asking. However there is no point; it’s not as if he had the power to force people to answer him.

“But I can guarantee that there won’t be any issues with that. I give you my word that Jonah is one of the best educated and intelligent gentlemen I know. You do not need to worry about his ability to comprehend nor doubt his ability to be discreet.”

“Yes, well, apologies Mr. Bennett but I would have to hold some value to your word first so I could take it as an assurance for anything.”

“I do not like what you are suggesting. Also as I said before-…” Jonah puts a hand on his friend shoulder. Last thing he needs is for that fool to start a proposing duels or something similarly unreasonable. Besides he has learnt to have certain amount of distrust in his friend’s promises and so he has been doing a bit of research and preparation in case something like this happened.

“It is alright Barnabas[m1]  I would hate to intrude. Please trust that was never my intention and I will leave immediately since my presence is not welcomed,” he turns towards Smirke who seems to be grateful enough just for holding Barnabas back. He has at least a polite smile on his face now. It is a good start. “Though I must admit it is really shame for I have wished to make an acquaintance with you for some time as I admire your work greatly Mr. Smirke.”

“You do?” there is mixture of curiosity and distrust in architect’s voice. Probably because Barnabas asks with surprise the same question. Jonah puts on his best excited expression.

“Of course! I have seen your work in Brightling Park, great use of classical style indeed. But of course the most impressive design of yours is at least in my humble opinion the Covent Garden Opera House. It is so unique I do not think I have seen any other Greek Doric building in London. I would love to learn more about your work! I have heard you have been commissioned to do a design for Castle for Earl Somers. Is it true or just rumors? Have you started planning yet?”

“Yes I indeed am about to start working on Eastnor Castle. You really seem to know a lot about my career.”

“Yes as I said I am a fan of your work but… oh apologies I’ve probably gotten way too excited. You are surely busy man Mr. Smirke and you have better things to do than discuss all your great accomplishments with me. Plus you have your club meeting right now. I would hate to be keeping you.”

“But Jonah…” Barnabas whines and Jonah smiles at him apologetically though he pays him almost no attention. By corner of his eye he catches glimpse of Smirke carefully measuring him with a thoughtful expression. There is hesitation. But there is also a great deal of interest.

“I will see you later Barnabas.” Jonah turns around but he does not make more than one step before he is stopped.

“Wait… Mr. Magnus, right? Perhaps I might have been a bit too abrupt with the rejection. I am trying to keep the number low but I think that our… let us say community of gentlemen could use more men like you. I cannot promise you anything but I think there is no harm letting you participate at least this once.”

“I am very honored. It would be my utmost pleasure”

Robert Smirke opens him the door and leads Jonah in walking by his side leaving Barnabas one step behind. Jonah has hard time to keep only moderately enough excited face because he cannot believe that few well prepared compliments and charming smile is really all he needed to turn the situation in his favor.

“Also… I suppose you can keep a secret? As I said certain things we discuss might be quite delicate.”

“Of course, any secret is safe with me.”

...

 Special thanks to @infinity-and-luck for sharing their architecture knowledge with me.

#It was supposed to be focused mostly on Jonah's and Robert's relantionship and their first meeting #but of course I couln't help myslef and include a bit of Jonahbas #this time featuring a bit of *Barnabas is actually very much bastard who just happens to have soft spot for Jonah* #jonahmagnusweek #jonah magnus week 2021 #jonah magnus #barnabas bennett #robert smirke #jonahbas #tma #tma fanfic #magnus archives fanfic #my dear jonah #jonah week #mEye fanfic #mEye post #reblogs or comments and kudos on ao3 are appreciated

[rametarin]

Maternal narcissistic abuse involves wasting your attention.

I am convinced that one of the reasons for the epidemic of children diagnosed with ADHD conditions is partly because there’s a phenomenon that resembles ADHD but is in fact something entirely different, distinct and separate.

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but I contest the conclusion. The schools wanted me medicated for ADD. My family protested. And looking back, I sincerely didn’t have ADD.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted because of the way women are allowed to abuse their children, so long as they don’t leave marks.

It’s a subtle form of abuse, but it is abuse. And the results and what it does to a child is similar to actually having ADD/ADHD.

How it works is you exhaust them. You disguise the abuse as boilerplate parental engagement and then just annoy the shit out of them with social convention until they want to disengage from conversing with you.

Then you punish or threaten them for “rudeness”, and that becomes the precursor for holding a grudge. It may manifest later on as a no instead of a yes when they ask permission for something. It may manifest as exacerbating a punishment’s severity or length if the child does anything wrong. It may manifest as deprivation of a privilege they usually enjoy just out of spite. Or, it may result in more “justified harassment” in a venue the parent DOES control.

But whatever it is, it will seem valid, it will seem like a legitimate parenting move that is acceptable, and it will annoy the shit out of the child for no other reason than the satisfaction of a sadistic and selfish parent taking their frustrations in life or entitlement to attention out on their children.

For example, my mother used to get us in the car and drive around. The radio would always be what she wanted to listen to, and we’d always go wherever she wanted to go. And in the car, she’d make small talk. Just, force engagement. And you weren’t allowed things like music players, there were no cell phones, no distractions to passively get in the way of any stray stream of consciousness she had from just blasting into the air like firing a shotgun to invite and “engage” conversation.

And if you just sat there ignoring her or not responding or replying to her, that was an invite for her to stop passively filling the air with the equivalent of verbal diarrhea, and then more DIRECTLY address why you seemed to not be “going with the flow” and engaging with her.

Or she’d accidentally do shit like drive over curbs if you seemed to be sleeping. “Oops! Haha! Accident!” Or find some excuse to hit the brakes and stop really fast just to jar you. Just indirect ways she could claim were, “completely accidental” to antagonize you into paying attention to her.

And when she wanted your undivided attention, she’d just talk to the air about an important topic (to her) and then ask your thoughts. Trying to socially force engagement or for you to commit a faux pas by refusing engagement. If you comply with engagement, she then demands you listen not just to the content, but demand you listen to all of it for the alloted time. There are no shortcuts with her, she wanted you to listen to the WHOLE spiel for however long it took before you could compile it, strip out all the wasted emotional shit she invested, and in essence just drag on the conversation for as long as she possibly could.

She fashioned every single engagement and conversation to take as much time as possible and demand you pay attention to every second of it in order to properly answer whatever question or long winded wind up to the question she could pose. She’d pose questions simply to gauge and bar if you were paying attention, and then feign outrage and tantrum if you didn’t. You could not just answer “sure” or “yes” or minimize your engagement to ignore whatever spiel she was saying. You couldn’t just tune her out, because she structured every nonsense conversation to check how well you were engaging.

And if you weren’t engaged, then out came the hostility and the antagonism and the passive aggression. And if they felt justified enough, out came the tantrums and restrictions and threats.

Another technique was she’d have indirect conversations over the phone with other people. You would be hit with weird random mood shifts and changes from her after she got off the phone with someone. Maybe one of her stupid sisters would do something or feud and piss her off, she’d feel like she wasn’t in control of them, so she’d take that out on people she did control just to “assert dominance.” So suddenly if Aunt Nelly (fake name) called her a dumb bitch, you get informed bed time is now an hour earlier, and unless you’re paying attention, you have no idea why this is happening.

So you start paying attention and listening in on family phone conversations just to understand why the dumb bitch goes on rampages. It won’t change bed times or get those privileges back, but at least you know WHAT set her off. And it’s designed to use negative reinforcement to MAKE you interested in those phone conversations and eavesdrop. But, you aren’t allowed to make it obvious you’re eavesdropping. So it’s an unspoken part.

That gives narcissistic moms the opportunity to start talking about you to other people. So you indirectly get to hear intentions or revealed information of what they’re about to do or their plans for things. Being talked about as if you’re an object or not even there when you’re in the next room over is a normal occurrence.

So as a kid, you spend most of your time dodging your mom trying to waste your time with worthless conversation after conversation. Which are just subtle little methods that she uses to waste your time, dominate your actions and deprive you of autonomy. And all she has to do is talk to you. All she has to do is punish you with social conventions. All she has to do is communicate outlandish bullshit about how you’re rude or drop mention about how you “tell her to shut up” for her friends and adults around you to cheer her on and encourage her to punish you for “being so fresh.” Because adult women/mothers get the benefit of the doubt over some kid on if what they’re saying is true, or not. So the whole god damned fabricated social interaction now gets strangers cheering on her abuse to “put you in your place.”

Even going outside as a kid, she found a way to render ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS, fruitless and JOYLESS. All she had to do, any time I was outside, was stick her head out the door and yell. She’d pretend I wasn’t yelling loud enough, purely to waste my energy and attention and make me repeat myself, and justify coming closer to the house to speak. (This was the time before cell phones.)

So she’d stick her head out the door and want to have a 2-3 minute exchange, every few minutes. Just, the most worthless and pointless engagements and exchanges that amount to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and she would not stop doing it. And there’s no force on earth that canmake a woman or mother shut the fuck up and not do this. Forced social engagement is a thing women can weaponize and do it with impunity.

Eventually I just got tired of my thoughts and my enjoyment of nature walks being derailed and just stayed inside. It was less effort and she was less ardent about wanting her eye on me every two minutes if I was sitting inside playing videogames, where I was at her beck and call within a few seconds notice.

Just through the power of “not shutting her fucking mouth” and being able to escalate consequences for my being annoyed at her constant attention devouring, she managed to want me to make the decision to just stay inside the house because being outdoors was POINTLESS. It was less suffering and stress to just stay inside than try and enjoy something just for her to waste my time and any satisfaction I could get from it. So, she got what she wanted while pretending she just wanted to talk about what we were having for supper. For half a fucking hour, off and on again.

And I can guarantee you, this is normal in the homes of many American children, especially young boys of single parent homes. Because everybody already knows boys are not perfect, boys can and do act up, boys do talk back to their mothers, boys can be out of control, boys can be short tempered, boys can be violent if they get to the end of their rope and just can’t fucking stand the premeditated and calculated harassment anymore, because in a man’s mind, doing that is waging war. And if you’re waging war on a person, escalation to violence is guaranteed.

Women do not escalate to violence unless it’s to land a killing blow, and they tend to try and do that indirectly and without open conflict. Such as, through poison, or accidents. But they do wage war on you.

Because boys have almost no credibility and women/mothers, they have as high as that value can go in trust from other people. It’s easy to allow them to not just do this shit, but be congratulated for doing it. Other women will reinforce it.

When you do this to a young man, every whisper they hear around them takes higher priority than, say, thinking about math. If you’ve been abused and persistently trained to let someone else derail your thoughts to pay attention to them, you can’t manage math problems. You get punished and harassed and stuck into hostile situations unless you give whomever wants your attention top priority and learn to just give them control or suffer. If not directly, then indirectly from boredom, after the punishments take away all your stimulation and autonomy. .

When you do this to a young man, they lose the ability to tune other peoples egos out and focusing and shutting out distraction becomes impossible. Especially when mothers abuse this relationship, trying to prioritize their feelings about, say, Jerry fucking Springer by talking along with the show, over you doing your homework.

They suffer academically. They lose the ability to focus. They get agitated and hungry for stimulation. They do anything they can for stimulation that ISN’T just giving everything to their mothers all the fucking time; comic books, video games, anything that can be put down whenever that rancid, selfish bitch decides she needs to devour another 50 seconds of your life in 8 parts over the next 20 minutes, making your life and your ability to engage in anything stop-and-go with her calling the shots.

So once again, women use ambiguity as a method of getting away with abuse and destruction, because unless and until you can prove they’re the reason why something happened, you have to assume their innocence. Narcissistic moms use the subjective like a cudgel to get away with abuse.

And many young men and boys have just internalized that their mothers are free to do this shit, this is just bird brain bitch mom shit, you can no more contest it or be angry about it than you could contest and be angry about the rain or anything else. So they never really question it. That’s just how things are. They accept how things are and that some things cannot be changed or helped, and wanting so is just a waste of energy. Because it’s impossible.

So they won’t even remember all the times their mothers did this sort of socially and interpersonally abusive mom-shit unless they think about it really hard. How their moms would pre-meditate and be difficult about shit, solely to waste their time and energy before they tried to live their lives. Just to set them up to fail, that much harder. Just for the satisfaction of taking it away from them, whether they willingly gave it or were coerced to.

And then we have the mental health and child welfare institutions deciding the problem is purely that all these kids fall under the umbrella of Attention Deficient. When there’s clearly a distinction between those that have had their mental reserves cannibalized by their fat bitches of mothers vs. those with actual attention deficiency problems brought about by brains and genetics.

So it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a whole population out there that got baked and basted with ADD medication (like antidepressants for kids with abusive parents) solely because it became socially en vogue as a way to avoid the consequences of your child breaking down from being overly psyche-abused.

[morgana-ren]

Who would win in a fight over you - Dabi or Tomura? And who would be better in bed?

Ooh! Ooh this is an interesting one!

Alright, so if Shigaraki and Dabi both catch feelings for you, you might as well put the High Noon soundtrack on repeat around the hideout because things are about to get a lot more hostile ‘round these parts. Much to everyone’s ire, they’re not exactly shy about this either. Those two don’t get along well on the best of days, so when they’re competing for something they both crave, things are going to get messy. 

But let’s start off slow, shall we?

Dabi is going to try and woo you in his strange, uniquely Dabi way. He’ll slather on the charm, turning it up to 11 and even past that. Overtly flirtatious jokes, sexual innuendos, doing his absolute best to make you blush. If you’re both walking along, his hand is going to find its way to your lower back by the time you get where you’re going. He likes touching you, likes heating his fingertips on your skin. You know the seductive look he does? The look? The deep one where he tilts his head forward and looks deep into your eyes with his turquoise ones in a way that just screams ‘I’m already half hard under my pants?’

Yeah, that one. Oh, he’s going to be doing that a lot. He won’t make any definitive moves until he feels like you’ll reciprocate it, but he’s going to make you flustered like it’s a fuckin’ Olympic sport. 

The more you nervous and shifty you get, the dirtier his jokes are going to be and the more physical he’s going to act. You’re cute when you’re all worked up, after all. Needless to say, he’s going to do everything but physically pounce on you. He won’t do that until you’re begging. Everything else though? That’s free game. He likes touching you, so he’s going to.

Getting late and you’re off to bed? He’s going to pick you up, chuck you over his shoulder, and literally carry you to your room. He’s not leaving your doorway until he’s absolutely certain he’s exhausted every last resource to get you to invite him in, even playfully. He stares a lot too. If you’re just hanging around the bar having a drink, his eyes are usually lingering on your face, waiting for you to notice and initiate conversation. It’s not that he’s shy, because he’s definitely not, but he likes the look on your face when you catch him shamelessly looking. He also enjoys offering to let you see his “other piercings” and chuckles when you realize what he means and your face blossoms bright red.

Tomura on the other hand? Tomura doesn’t play that shit. He’s not as experienced in flirting as Dabi. He just does what feels natural, and that just happens to be whatever the fuck he wants.

Dabi is a lot more laid back than Tomura, and arguably more open to the word ‘no.’ If Tomura catches feelings, it’s happening. You’re his, and he’s not asking. He doesn’t like anyone, and he likes you, so he’s sticking to you like glue. Come to peace with it. He’s getting better with cooperation and trust, thanks to the League, but being told that you’re the future King and you can have whatever you want for your entire life leaves you with a sense of entitlement that doesn’t exactly go away overnight. Granted, to his credit, he’s going to try to ease you into his presence at first.

At first.

Look at this regal looking psychopath. Does he look like he gives a fuck? No. The answer is no he doesn’t. Get ready for a whole lot of this man, because once his sights are set on you, they’re locked and he’s not going anywhere. You should be honored, you know. The future King sees you as a prospective future Queen. 

He’s going to be around a lot rather suddenly. You might not notice for a moment, but he’s always right fucking there. Hanging out in the bar? There. Napping in the living room? You wake up and he’s right there. The only place he’s not is in your room, and that’s like the only barrier he has. Even then, he has zero problem just barging in without knocking. Better hope you sleep with something on at least, because when he can’t fall sleep, he’s going to stare at the wall in YOUR room, not his. It nearly gives you a heart attack the first dozen times to wake up and find him sitting on your bedside watching TV, but eventually his presence becomes a calm constant. It means he trusts you, and that’s good, right? You take it as his extreme social awkwardness, and you’d be half right. The other half just wants to be near you, so he does.

Happen to be getting dressed when he walks in? Naturally you’re going to start freaking out, but he remains oddly calm. He just rolls his eyes, comes in, closes the door and stares at the ceiling and kills time until you’re done scrambling to get your clothes over your naked skin. No matter how many times you try to tell him he can’t just do that, he keeps doing it. You swear he’s doing it on purpose, but he gives you no real evidence of that. It’s like he has a fucking radar for the second your pants hit the floor, but you can’t prove it. With how much time he spends on the computer, you’d rather not know anyway. At least he has the decency to look away?

In public, he is constantly sitting next to you. Even odder, he’s almost always touching you. Nothing incredibly invasive, but you can tell it’s probably super intimate to him because he’s so hesitant. His shoulders are always touching yours when you’re seated together, bits of his long hair occasionally brushing your arm and making you shiver. Sometimes he just reaches over and starts rubbing your hair between his fingers or cupping your face gingerly. Its often at awkward times and completely floors everyone else, but eventually you get so accustomed to the feel of him that it’s almost weird when he’s not prodding you somehow. You don’t even flinch anymore when you feel his cold fingers stroke your jaw. You know he won’t hurt you. He’s too careful for that.

What does surprise you, however, is when he starts dragging you on all his little errands, even ones where there’s literally no reason for you to be there. Meeting with a rival leader? You’re there. Scoping somewhere? You’re there. You think he’s grooming you for some sort of position of power at first, at least until he starts dragging you on personal errands too. Small walks to clear his head? Yup. Trips to the game store? Hey, which game looks like more fun? TRICK question, it’s this one and you’ll be playing it with him all night until he says you can sleep. He even starts talking to you. Not ordering you around. Not insulting, or at least not seriously. Just talking to you about random shit. 

Where things start getting really fun is when Tomura and Dabi start realizing each other’s behavior. Tomura doesn’t like how Dabi is talking to you, and Dabi realizes he hasn’t seen you without Tomura 3 inches to your left in several weeks.

Queue the music.

It’s going to hit both of them like a kick in the nuts, and soon it’s bared teeth and thinly veiled insults, both in private and public. The truce they made when they decided to work together is rocky as is, but now that they have their eyes on the same prize? Good luck.

“Hey creep, do you think you’ll ever manage to fuck a woman without ending up having to stick your dick in a pile of ashes?”

“I don’t know, Ashtray. Say, do the women that will touch you have to help you staple half your ‘skin’ back on after sex? Or do you double up and try to play it off as foreplay?”

Things get very hostile very fast, and while they know better than to compromise League business with their feud, the second it’s over, it’s back to ripping each other to shreds. Funny enough, neither one of them looks where the opinion really matters, which is you. Instead, they just both berate you for allowing the other to act the way they do. 

Dabi gets a bit more hurtful, teasing you with a bit too much bite to truly be playful.

“I never pegged you for a suckup, dollface. Playing Leader’s pet. I thought you were better than trying to sleep your way to the top.”

Tomura, once again, doesn’t fuck around. He doesn’t play or even try to disguise his irritation. Just makes demands.

“Stop letting him stand so close to you. I don’t like it.” 

The dynamic you’ve created between the two of them is unsustainable, so eventually, you’re going to have to choose and make it clear which one you want. Preferably sooner rather than later.

Now, if it comes down to it, they will fight. Not really the way you’d expect though. They won’t charge at each other aiming for death. I mean, they might, but not until it’s a total last resort. They’ve got their reasons for working together, you know. However, they’re both petty little bitches and are going to go about it in their own way. Dabi is going to get way more invasive when it comes to your space, constantly making remarks about how gross or creepy Tomura is while keeping his hands on you just a little too much to be friendly. He’s going to try to put Tomura down in your mind, and he’s going to do it right in front of him. He’s really going to drive the point home that he can touch you with all five fingers and Tomura can’t and will never, ever be able to. Dabi plays really mean and holds no hostages.

Shiggy on the other hand won’t show that he’s affected by that, but he sure as fuck is going to abuse his position as leader. He’ll keep you and Dabi apart as much as possible, sending you on separate missions, keeping your attention away from him in an official capacity. Middle of the night and everyone is hanging around the bar? Not Dabi! He’s got a vital mission to go on. Immediately. Right now. Yeah, it’s imperative. Better hurry up now. He’s going to make Dabi so exhausted that he’s not only cranky, but he won’t even have time for you when he’s not off running around. Tomura is going to play Dabi like the pawn he is and remind him that no matter how he fights it, he’s nothing but a chess piece for him to use as he sees fit, and you deserve better than a pawn.

Those nights when Tomura is hanging out in your room? He’s going to leave riiiiiight as Dabi is walking by to finally go to bed. He’ll even wait for as long as he needs to for Dabi to come back. Even though absolutely nothing happened and you were asleep the whole time, Shig is going to make a show of it. You know, because he can. 

Arguably, Tomura is the pettier of the two, since when you pick him like he knows you will, he’s going to rub it all in Dabi’s face where as Dabi would likely accept victory and move on. We’ve all seen how much of a petty little shit this guy is. Just picture it. Yeah, now times it by two.

So as for who wins? That’s up to you. There will be repercussions no matter who you pick, so it has to be a choice of the heart. It’s an unfair position they’ve put you in, and no one but a certified dumbass (me) would enjoy it, but life really do be like that sometimes. Think long and hard about who you want. Only one route is unlockable.

Now, as for who is better in bed. 

Dabi is by far the more experienced of the two. He’s charming, powerful, and he’s got the bad boy allure down to a tee, so you bet your ass he’s either had a slut phase or is currently in it. He knows what feels good, and has built up a technique that guarantees customer satisfaction. He’s a good lay, there’s no two ways about it. Even better is he knows it too, and he’s open to suggestion. He’s not exactly a shy boy, so if you got something you’re into and you want him to comply, the absolute worst reply you’re ever going to get is “Really? You’re a strange chick, but if that’s what you want, babe, I’m game.” 

Sex is usually on the forefront of his mind somewhere, so he’s going to want this pretty quickly. It’s not that deep to him, just a physical sensation, so this is definitely not the key to his heart. Obviously he likes you for other reasons too, though, so it’s nothing to worry about. Still, as much as he denies it, Dabi can be a big softy, and he can and will cuddle you, even if it means he pretends it’s not his idea as he calls you needy and falls asleep immediately afterward. He’s just putting on a show, because truth be told, he likes feeling wanted even after it’s all over.

That being said, Tomura is the more passionate and easily the more devoted of the two. He’s not experienced in the slightest unless you take countless hours on hentai and porn sites, and he spent a good chunk of his life secluded, so if he’s doing this with you, he fuckin’ means it. This means something to him, and Goddamn if he doesn’t pour his heart and soul into everything he does. He can put on a bold facade but the truth is all of this makes him very nervous. He’s putting himself out there for someone else which is not something he thought he’d ever do.

He’s extremely intelligent and a very quick learner though, and all that pent up emotion makes for a massive libido and an even bigger ego. He wants you to want this as badly as he does, so he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure you do. After you two take this step, he’s going to be noticeably softer. He will deny it until his dying breath (or until you’re literally queen and he has nothing to lose), but a part of his soul became yours when he gives himself over to you. He never struck you as the sentimental type, but you might as well have bonded yourself to him once the deed is done. Either way, while he has his own sexual quirks and desires, his number one goal is to satisfy you.

Now tell me anon, which one holds your heart?

#Anonymous #Shigaraki #Dabi #Shigaraki vs Dabi #this blows im sorry #im way up on cough medicine #this took me way longer than it should have and its not even good #you can easily tell which one i favor lmao #i love my burnboy but tomura has my heart #im so sorry ask this again in a few weeks when im all better and i'll rewrite it and make it better if you want #yandere boys #not as ns as my other works

[joealwyndaily]

 Joe Alwyn — Red Magazine (Jan 2020) interview 

You’d think that a back-to-back Hollywood movie career and a megastar girlfriend might have changed Joe Alwyn, but he’s quick to assure Nathalie Whittle that his feet remain firmly on the ground. 

“So you didn’t see the part where the aliens attack?” asks Joe Alwyn, a playful smirk on his face. He’s referring to his latest film, Harriet, which I had a sneak preview of the previous day, although the fire evacuation (false alarm) meant I missed the ending. The biographical drama tells the story of Harriet Tubman (played by Cynthia Erivo), the historic abolitionist who escaped slavery and led hundreds of others to freedom. Alwyn plays her insufferably cruel and capricious slave master Gideon Brodess. He is, of course, joking about the aliens. At least, I hope he is. Today, we’re tucked away in the corner of a dimly lit bar at London’s Covent Garden Hotel. It’s the sort of drizzly afternoon that might dampen the moods of most, but not Alwyn. He appears cheery and at ease, sporting country casuals: a grey mohair jumper, blue jeans, and brown boots along with an unkempt beard; perhaps an attempt to disguise the boyish good looks he’s become known for. He stops to interrupt me only once with a look of alarm: he’s forgotten to offer me something to eat or drink. I can have anything I want, he assures me.

At 28, Alwyn has had the sort of career trajectory that most aspiring actors wistfully dream about for years, even decades. His education included a degree in English literature and drama at the University of Bristol, followed by a BA in acting at London’s Royal Central School of Speech and Drama. But within two weeks of his graduate showcase, Alwyn received a life-changing phone call. He refers to it as the thing “I owe everything to.”

“I’d just signed with an agent and I was kind of pinching myself, you know, how surreal is that?” he says. “She sent me a portion of the script for a film, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, that Ang Lee was directing. I’d grown up watching his films — Brokeback Mountain and Life of Pi — so I couldn’t believe I was even going to do a tape for someone like that. I got my dad to film me in a scene in my bedroom and some mates to film me during a lunch break. The next thing I know, Ang wants to meet me in New York.” Cue a series of auditions and screen tests that led to Alwyn bagging the title role in his first big-budget Hollywood film. He was just 24. “It was so much so fast that I didn’t really compute what was going on,” he concedes. “Before that I was just a poor student who barely understood how people got auditions, let alone landed jobs.” Did he have any jobs before that? I ask. “I did have this one job in London,” he says wryly. “Do you know that frozen yogurt place, Snog?” I’m struggling to picture Alwyn serving up frozen delights. He’s laughing now. Was it a good gig? “Exceptional!” More laughter follows. “I mean, I was paid some money! Then I worked in a menswear shop. I did what I could to make some extra cash.”

A far cry from a frozen-yogurt counter, doors started opening to bigger and better opportunities as soon as Billy Lynn hit cinemas. The next script Alwyn read was Yorgos Lanthimos’s The Favourite (released in 2019), in which he secured a small but riotous role as young baron Samuel Masham alongside acting greats Olivia Colman and Emma Stone. “Putting on giant wigs and running around in make-up and chasing Emma Stone through the forest — what more could you want?” he laughs. The film earned widespread critical acclaim, receiving seven BAFTAs and a record 10 British Independent Film awards. 

Having further honed his craft in subsequent films Mary Queen of Scots and gay-conversion therapy drama Boy Erased, Alwyn is about to enter into unknown territory. This Christmas, he’ll play Bob Cratchit in his first-ever TV drama, BBC One’s A Christmas Carol; a “darker, twisted, less glossy” version of the Charles Dickens classic. He’s “feeling good about it,” but I’m curious as to how he’s approached this change of scenery. Was he not nervous? “Oh, very. I tried to watch other people. It’s the second time I’ve worked with Guy Pearce [who plays Scrooge] and I asked him a lot of stuff, which probably annoyed him. I watched the way he works and the questions he asked on set when he was approaching a scene.”

Two people who will definitely be watching Alwyn’s TV debut are his mother, a psychotherapist, and his father, a documentary-maker. “They’d better be watching!” he laughs. Born in London’s Tufnell Park, Alwyn recalls being given stacks of videos every birthday and “watching them to death, until the tapes burned up.” One of his favourites was The Mask of Zorro. In fact, he was so obsessed with it that he and his best friend took up fencing lessons at a local community centre in Crouch End, where, by chance, he was spotted by a local casting agent for the hit British romcom Love Actually. She asked him to audition for the role of Sam; he breaks into a wide smile when I ask what he remembers of it. “I didn’t know much about what the film was; I was most excited about the fact I got the day off school! But I remember being in a room with Richard Curtis and Hugh Grant reading scenes, many of which didn’t make it into the film. And I left the audition thinking, ‘I really recognize that guy from somewhere’.”

Alwyn didn’t get the part. Instead, he forgot about acting for a while, with the exception of summer holidays, where his parents would send him and his older brother off to “some drama camp as a way of preoccupying us.” He explains that when he later realized he wanted to act on a serious level, he kept it a secret. Was it because he was worried how his parents would react to a somewhat precarious career choice? “Well, it meant putting myself out there in a performative way, and that wasn’t necessarily something I did or was used to doing. It felt like it should be quite a ‘look at me’ job, and that wasn’t really how I felt growing up. I wasn’t a painfully introverted kid, but I wasn’t a particularly extroverted one, either. So maybe I was self-conscious about the idea of saying to people, ‘Look, I can do this’.”

He credits drama school with giving him “permission” to go for it. “Plus my parents were great about it. They’re both freelance themselves, so while they recognize the perils, they also couldn’t say to me, ‘We can follow what we want, but you can’t’. There wasn’t a boundary, which helped a lot.”

I wonder if it’s been difficult acclimatizing to the level of fame that’s come as result of his roles. “There have definitely been changes that have taken some getting used to, whether it’s sitting down and doing an interview or someone recognizing you,” he says. “There are things that have changed in my life, but I still very much feel like the same person. It probably helps that I’ve been hanging out with the same friends literally every day since I was 12 years old. Maybe it’s when those things change that people change, I don’t know.”

It’s fair to say that the level of interest in Alwyn has, in part, been heightened by the fact that, in his spare time he plays the role of Mr. Taylor Swift. The pair reportedly met in late 2016 and became in item shortly afterwards. I’ve been warned ahead of our meeting that Alwyn “doesn’t talk about that”, and he’s keen to justify his stance in person. “I feel like my private life is private and everyone is entitled to that.” he says. “I’ve read stories recently about people like Ben Stokes and Gareth Thomas, which are a gross invasion of their privacy and of their lives. It’s disgusting. That’s not journalism, that’s just invasive.”

It must be tough, I suggest, being in a relationship that is surrounded by so much scrutiny. “I just don’t read the headlines,” he says. “I really don’t, because I can guarantee 99% of them are made up. So I ignore it.” Recent rumours suggest the pair are engaged, and are owed in part to one of Swift’s latest songs, Lover (’My hearts been borrowed and yours has been blue. All’s well that ends well to end up with you’), as well as a piece of string tied around Swift’s finger in a Vogue cover shoot. According to die-hard fans, this means something. But to Alwyn, it’s clear it means nothing at all. Is he never tempted to respond to the mistruths, to shut them down? “No, because it’s just pointless,” he sighs. “It won’t change anything. I just don’t pay any attention. I have my life and it’s kind of separate to all that stuff.”

I’m curious as to how much time he gets to simply enjoy the success he’s experiencing. “There’s lots of time not working, I wish there was less in a way!” he laughs. “I go to the pub, play football, go to gigs, watch TV (he’s just finished season three of True Detective), pretty normal things. There’s no ‘secret life’. But ultimately, I worry about finding the next job; that’s the truth. In the midst of everything, there’s always that feeling of ‘I’m never going to work again’. It’s a cliche, but you can’t just sit there waiting for the phone to ring. You have to try and take control. You’re at the mercy of the things you seek out — the directors and the connections — so I try to be on top of that as I can and read what I’m sent and be discerning. I try to pick wisely and follow up on people and leads that I’m interested in.”

Is there an end point he wants to get to, where he’ll feel like he’s made it? “Things have certainly shifted in my twenties,” he says. “Success to me now is doing things that make me happy and that make me feel fulfilled, doing what I want to do and being on the right track. Not in terms of being on a results-based track, but just doing something I love.” He pauses and smiles. “That sounds a bit sentimental, doesn’t it?” 

#joe alwyn #interview #red magazine #there's one paragraph i could do without but otherwise this is great

[truthhurtsforreal]

I’d like to share a story. One that started over a year ago when I joined a role play community called the “definitely community”. I thought, this is going to be fun. I picked a character that was available and joined in. I even got invited to join a discord server because that’s where everyone “hung out”. I had just missed the wedding of Gamora and Peter which I’m glad because I was told there was some drama and someone was “blocked” and out cast from the rp community. Funny thing is, I knew that person and got their side of the story. That person’s treatment was unnecessary, but they were blocked and out cast. Sound familiar? It should because it happens all the time.

The drama didn’t affect me directly so I didn’t pass judgement as NO ONE NOT DIRECTLY INVOLVED SHOULD, but I watched as other people bashed that person, people who didn’t even interact with them joined in on blacklisting them from the community, HATE TALK RUNNING WILD. Why? Because people were easily manipulated into believing that person did wrong. Again, I ask, sound familiar? Yes, I think you’re starting to get it now.

So I continued on. I had a role play partner, stayed in the server, watched as people were left out and drama after drama circulated. Let me tell you how fun that’s not, but at the heart of every single drama was one blog in particular. One mod. Want to venture a guess? I’ll tell you. This person has several blogs. Some you all interact with. One they try to keep super secret. Since I’m letting it all out, I’ll tell you. The blog and mod behind all the drama and manipulation. @definitelybuckybarnes . Aka @definitelylancetucker Aka, @stuck-y-together Aka, @definitelydaytina . Your beloved Christina. Tina. Whatever she goes by these days. Yes, she is all those blogs and more. The master manipulator of blogs and characters.I was told you say people are jealous because you got Bucky first. No one is jealous. You just treat people like shit and accuse them of god knows whatever fits to gain attention. That’s why people don’t like you.

Why am I spilling the tea? Because I’ve watched this happen time after time. Every drama that happens, she’s at the center. Even now, I encouraged someone that joined the community months ago and they’ve been cast out. Why? I’m sure you were told lies and manipulated. Did you get proof? I’m willing to bet it was all he said she said, but it worked cause you bought it. I know, because I’ve seen it. You’re all sheep and if you don’t agree with Bucky/daytina/Tina, you too will be shunned and blocked.

I saw the post for the New Years party. Does anyone else find that a little fucked up? You can only come via invite and all plus ones have to be approved. Excuse me, but that sounds like a dictatorship. Conform or you won’t be accepted. Again, manipulative and also bullying. Something they swear they don’t do, but they have and are currently doing it still because all you sheep are following her lead and giving her audience. Some things never change.

Have you ever wondered why there are so many abandoned blogs, my own included? Because we were all treated like shit. We didn’t conform. We were made to feel like we didn’t matter if we had a difference in opinion. Some of us even went and created a new community. Is it any better? I don’t know because I have given up role playing because of how I continually see people treated, myself included. I no longer wanted to be part of the toxic behavior that fuels this community, any community, but if I’m going down, I’m taking Bucky/Tina with me! I’ve sat back and watched silently. I follow many of you. I’ve had more than one person come to me about your toxic behavior. It’s funny how the people you’ve cast out or banned have found their way to my inbox. Enough is enough, already!

Your lies and manipulation and dictatorship need to come to an end. You are treating people like shit for what? Because someone doesn’t want to be told what to do? You’re not a god! Quit acting like one. You don’t own or run the community, yet you behave like you do. There are good people behind the blogs that you’ve cast out, they’re just free thinkers and aren’t easily manipulated. Those people you’ve hurt, they’ll recover and carry on. You’ll still be the vile person you’ve been because you’re a spoiled entitled brat that cries if she doesn’t get her way. When will you seriously grow up already? There’s your tea people.

Go ahead, block me. This has no effect on how I’ll sleep at night. This is an old blog I no longer use and it’s sole purpose is exposing the lies and manipulation you’ve all come to believe. My own definitely blog lays dormant and has for a long time. Good luck figuring out which one it is. I’m not accepting asks or messages. Once this is posted I’m logging out. You all need to figure out what to do. Continue to follow the lies and manipulation or start thinking for yourself. I guarantee this will happen again and keep happening because it always does. You’re either part of the problem or solution and I don’t see anyone being the voice of reason and knocking someone from their high horse, that would require you to stand up to the monstrosity.

I’m tagging all definitely blogs old and new. Also throwing some of the without a doubt blogs in as well. They’ll be happy to know someone finally called you out on your shit! And kudos to those who haven’t chosen sides. At least there’s hope that some of you can’t be controlled.

There was something someone told me once and it rings true. Food for thought maybe. “Becareful of the company you keep. How they talk about someone else is exactly how they talk about you.” Keep that in mind, sheep. “We change people through conversation, not through censorship.” Maybe some of you should brush up on your pop culture and listen to the words of Jay-Z.

@definitelybakermeggi @definitelybabyyoda @definitelyben @definitelybee @definitelyclintbarton @definitelychasecollins @definitelychase @definitelychristopherbeck @definitelyclayappuzzo @definitelycurtiseverett @definitelydaytonwhite @definitelydaytina @definitelyeddiebrock @definitelyeddiebrockandvenom @definitelyellyn @definitelyemnoir @definitely-frank @definitelyfenrir @definitelygoose @definitelyhalcarter @definitelyjarvis @definitelyjackbenjamin @definitelyjamesbarnes @definitelyjefferson @definitelylancetucker @definitelylittleshit-thegoat @definitelycaptainhook @definitelylexi​ @definitelyleowest @definitelylydia @definitely-lynn @definitelymera @definitelymax @definitelynatromanova @definitelynatasha-romanoff @definitelynatromanova @definitelynebula @definitelypeggycarter @definitelypeterquill @definitelypenelopebeck @definitelypepperpotts @definitelyransom @definitelyrogue @definitelystevengrantrogers @definitelysebastianstan @definitelysamwinchester @definitelyselena

#get woke #definitely fed up

[fountainofdesire]

17 April 20

We are in the thick of a pandemic and there's depression all around. News of people struggling with lack of food, shelter, medial attention, mutton and most importantly, alcohol. I don't know if this is as close as we'd get to experiencing dystopia in our lifetimes. It is even more depressing for people like me who are sucker for worldwide news. I swallow every piece of news on Twitter. The conspiracy theories, sob stories, hope stories and hate and anger stories by liberals, leftists, rightists and just about everybody who can type @ on Twitter.  It doesn't matter if that news piece is true or fake. It makes for a great consumption during this lock-down. This information feeds well into my mind which is already expecting destruction and sadness all around. Maybe I am depressed, or maybe it is the lack of sunlight that is playing tricks on my mind. Hard to say, but this is the present state of mind.  When everybody is down, people in advantageous positions tend to advantage of the situation. i read on Twitter that landlords are asking for sexual favors from their tenants if they can't pay their rent. It is happening all around. If this continues for straight six months, I can guarantee that people will begin to eat people. The strength and resolve of our civilized world will be tested and it will be interesting to see how the civilized world behaves then. Can we fight human instincts of hunger, sex and other natural instincts that are hardwired in us, and still maintain our civility? I won't bet my money on it. I believe that the animal is still lurking within us and I have full confidence that in it will come out at the opportune moment and fulfill its animal urges. The difference then would be that these acts are going to be pure. There is not going to be any pretense, no reasoning, it is pure survival instinct hardwired in us by Nature. Don't blame me for being a cynic at this time, but then don't count on me to change drastically when we are out of this situation. I don't want you to be disappointed. I believe we are all doomed one way or the other. Nature is coming for all of us, fellas. brace yourselves. I run a private company. I don't own the company, I just run it. Today we got everyone in the company paid in full even though they worked only for twenty days last month. It was a herculean task to convince the owners of the company to go the extra mile to pay that extra money for the days that staff have not worked. When they finally agreed, it was with the condition that all leaves, comp offs and holidays till the end of the last will be lapsed and that the staff we start after lock-down with no leaves to begin with. This is exploitation. Many of the staff members have more that fifteen comp offs which equals to fifteen days of salary. Management extorted fifteen days for ten days of payment. Apart from comp offs, each employee is entitled for one or two leaves every month. The management wants these too to be adjusted against the ten day salary they agreed to pay. This saves a lot of money for the management but it amounts to no less than exploitation of employees' privileges. Management doesn't care so there's nothing I can do about it. I can quit, but that doesn't help employees in anyway and it won't help me either.  I am going to be ranting for few more weeks till I get busy with work. Same work that I don't like doing so much these days. I am beginning to get bored of setting up companies and leaving them when managements begin to believe that they can run the house themselves and boot me out to save money. Usually, such companies manage to run for about five years from the date of my departure and close down unceremoniously. In this exercise, employees usually get the wrong end of the stick. They complain, cry and scream and when they realize that no one cares, they move on. To another company, another profession, or sometimes another town if their wounds are much deep. I don't understand why people who run businesses believe that the only way to run a successful business is to exploit people who work for them. How about finding ways to increase margins on their services? How about finding niche services or products that give companies leverage to demand higher prices from their customers? How about being fair to their employees so that those employees can go the extra mile to increase their efficiency and increase profits of the company? For some unknown reason none of the companies in our industry want to innovate. They have a safe and fail proof business that they have been following for decades and they'd like to continue in the same path.  I understand that it is important for companies to make money to keep their companies running, but I wish they understood that it is important for employees to be happy to come to work. If they are not happy to come to work each day, then the management has failed to give them a desirable working environment. This is what separates great companies from ordinary crowd.  If there's anyone out there reading these articles, which i Highly doubt, but if there is anyone who thought my life is interesting and that will reflect in my writing, I am sorry to disappoint you. This is my life. But don't lose heart. Maybe the horse will one day fly. Maybe we can ride on a rainbow one day. Maybe our souls will be so pure  that our bodies will lose their shadows in moonlight one day. Hopefully the world will turn just the way we want it and you will see me writing about rainbows, butterflies and unicorns. Till then, bear with me.  I'll see you in the next one.

#writing_excercise #writing_motivation

[whichofthe372]

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[angiewang19]

freshman year @ cmc: academic tips

Course Registration: Getting into courses is a SHITSHOW, but if there’s a will, there’s a way. 

1. Talk to people. Listen to your FYGs. You don’t need to listen to all your FYGs. That can be overwhelming. Pick a FYG you trust and vibe well with. They’re committed to helping you, so that’s one reliable resource during this overwhelming time. Befriend other not-freshmen (especially folks with similar academic interests) and interrogate them about courses they’ve loved/hated. Ask for helpful people’s numbers or friend them on facebook immediately after you chat with them (24-hour rule: friend them before they forget who you are). However, they aren’t obligated to help since they aren’t your FYGs (note: being helpful takes time and energy), but you want to have options for people to call when you don’t know what to do. 

2. RateMyProfs. Corroborate word-of-mouth advice on RateMyProfs; it’s decently reliable. Read the criticism and praise mindfully: pay attention to reviews that discuss specific strengths/weaknesses of the professor and teaching style. Obviously, ignore reviews where students are writing from a place of bitterness. For example, ignore if the reviewer is pissed about a hard class / getting an unsatisfactory grade. Also, ignore if the reviewer says the professor is a “great person.” Being a great person doesn’t mean they’re great at their job (of course, there are many great professors who are also great people, and vice versa). Generally, your life is a lot easier if the professor is wickedly good at teaching the concepts because (theoretically) it’s relatively straightforward to be a good student (there’s honestly not a whole lot to complain about if you’re comfortable with the material). That’s compared to a more problematic situation when you are forced to understand material from a professor who sucks at explaining stuff, regardless of whether they have a charismatic or repulsive personality. So... if you pick professors who are good at their jobs, here’s the best case: if they’re a great person, being a good student will allow you to (almost effortlessly) develop a good relationship with them. And here’s the not ideal, but not terrible case (and also unlikely case, since most professors are awesome on all fronts): if they’re an asshole but good at teaching you probably won’t even need to go to office hours and interact much but still earn a satisfactory grade. Also, on RateMyProfs, the perceived “difficulty” of the professor is worth paying attention to. The big asterisk is that it’s important to realize college students think about the difficulty of their classes compared to previous classes they’ve taken (aka for freshmen, the benchmark is their high school classes). Thus, this metric is somewhat subjective for ratings on first-year classes because that depends on how hard high school was for the individual writing the review. But if the reviews universally say the professor/course is mind-blowingly hard or easy, it’s worth keeping in mind. 

3. Use hyperschedule.io to organize your life. Think about 8 a.m. classes (not that bad tbh) and how you want to schedule your free time. I personally find it hard to have 1 hour blocks of free time; I get nothing done. I need 2.5+ hours to hunker down and complete a task from start to finish without feeling unnecessarily rushed (like feeling panicked). 12:15-1:15 is the craziest time in the dining halls. If you get out of class at 10:50 am, you can catch an early lunch, where everything is stocked up. Or if you get out of class at 12:15 and don’t have another class until 2:45pm or later, you can catch a later lunch, a more quiet dining experience but fewer options (but you can still find something you like if you pick the dining hall wisely). 

4. During course registration: don’t panic. 

5. Nepotism is a thing. People get into classes because they have a relationship with that professor (so use this fact to your advantage as time moves forward). But, if you don’t get into a class that you really wanted to get into and have never interacted with the professor teaching that class: 

a. submit a perm. it’s a tweet. be concise. don’t just say the class “works for your schedule,” but think about the specific reasons you want to learn from that professor. a perm that combines the prof’s engaging and effective pedagogy (lecture / discussion / a textbook the prof authored / project) with your interest in the content of the class is an unstoppable perm (think: if you are drawn to just the content of the class or that you have to do the course bc it fulfills a GE, your profs can be like, go take it somewhere else bc there’s almost always a class somewhere in the 5c’s with empty seats that’s covering similar material, if content / satisfying GEs is all you care about) . 

b. send a follow-up email immediately after, and make your case more thoroughly. flattering words (that aren’t excessive) about the prof don’t hurt. talk to people who’ve taken the class to extract specific, once-in-a-lifetime classroom experiences that you can allude to in your email. finding alums of a class is easier than you think. ask around. you did sign up to go to a college with a sense of community. use it. 

c. if no response from the prof or a response along the lines of “i can’t guarantee anything,” be ready to show up to class on day 1. even if the prof responds with a gentle no, showing up to the first class isn’t a bad idea. if at the first class, they are firm that they have no more spots and no questions asked, then unfortunately the case is closed (it’s a sign to take another course that interests you AND you can try again next semester). but if they don’t provide a definitive “no,” you can keep trudging forward, following the steps below. 

d. at the end of day 1 class (i don’t recommend talking to the prof at the beginning of the class because everyone is anxious), talk to them. make your case again. be friendly. you aren’t entitled to a spot in their class, so don’t act like it. 

e. if still nothing decisive, at this point you’re fighting a war of attrition. the prof doesn’t really care. nevertheless, you persist: do your homework diligently, show up to office hours, always go to class, sit in the front if you can. stay hopeful because this is the window where people are “shopping around” and often are dropping classes. 

f. if the prof is consistently unresponsive, keep going with this strategy mentioned in part (e) until the add deadline. i always have told myself: if you make a point that you really want to learn, the professors love that, and they really can’t stop you from doing that. unless they’re really unreasonable / difficult or there just aren’t enough seats in the classroom, they’ll let you in -- at the end of the day, it’s their job to impart their knowledge to the next generation of eager thinkers. 

Academics: it’s not always pretty, but it’s fulfilling if you do it right. 

1. People say freshman fall is a throwaway semester, and I’ve seen academics get tossed to the side. Yes, use the time to adjust, make friends, and have fun. Respect yourself and the transition you’re making. But hold yourself to a high academic standard. I say this because most of us experience some level of impostor syndrome upon our arrival at (a top liberal arts) college. After a few months, we may feel like we belong socially, athletically, extracurricularly, and culturally, but in my opinion the most important aspect of college life is feeling like we belong to the intellectual community. While genuine self-confidence is the most powerful force to conquer impostor syndrome, a bit of external validation (aka grades) can go a long way in making you feel empowered and confident (also why people commit to colleges that give them merit aid -- it’s a form of external validation to prove that they belong at that college, intellectually). 

2. First 3 weeks: don’t party too hard (or don’t go out at all, if cold turkey is easier than tempering the alcohol and fun). If the professor assigns textbook reading even though she lectures in class, do it. As concepts are covered in class, do the corresponding practice problems. Go to every office hour, even if you have, like, 1 clarifying question. The first few weeks of the semester is always when everyone is running around --adjusting, partying-- because there aren’t looming projects and exams, but the first 3 weeks are the most important weeks of the semester. Academic coursework in college builds on itself, and having a commanding grasp of the first few weeks of the material will ensure success later on. You can always stop reading the textbook and stop going to office hours if, after 3 weeks, you find it redundant or unhelpful. Think about this analogy: when driving a car, you have to push the gas pedal relatively hard to accelerate your car a tiny bit, but it is effortless to release the gas pedal. The car will slow down immediately. Go hard in the beginning; you can always chill out. In contrast, when you realize during week 4 that the professor’s way of explaining things is convoluted and then you turn to the textbook or tutors, your experience catching-up will feel hard and not very fun. 

3. Preview the material before you go to class, pay attention in class (SIT IN THE FRONT ROW and ask questions in class, this alleviates any confusion immediately which saves time in the long run), and then review the material after class. Everyone is so scared of learning through repetition and memorization (especially in Western educational institutions, there’s this paranoia and fear about busy/rote work), but even at a top educational institutions like cmc/pomona/mudd professors are going to ask you to memorize stuff. Prof. Sarkis (linear algebra professor!) has always said that to speak a foreign language (understand linear algebra!), you first have to memorize the basic words (definitions/proofs!) in order to construct sentences (discuss complexities in linear algebra!). So if they make us do it in math (which doesn’t seem like a class that requires students to memorize crap), then every class has an underlying set of vocabulary, and you should know it like the back of your hand. Memorize by frequent repetition -- tip: schedule your (p)review habits around your classes (preview, go to class, review immediately after; rinse and repeat), which holds yourself accountable and establishes routine. Every time you do a cumulative review of the material after class, you should review the material so thoroughly that you’re prepared to take the midterm if it was the following day. This discipline will save you time when you prepare for and take the actual test. Since most of the stuff is already in your head, midterm studying will be easier. That’s a no-brainer. During tests, I’ll make the argument to you through proof by contradiction: if you choose to not memorize stuff and instead “reason” through it on the test, you waste time. So, why not just memorize the theorem or fact and save yourself time and mental energy? 

4. Use the QCL/CWPD. They get paid. You get help. It’s a win-win! If there are a bunch of people available to tutor a subject: in the beginning of the semester, shop around. Try different people (perhaps present them the same assignment) and see who works best for you. Book appointments ahead of time. Planning is important -- anticipate a problem set or paper, and assume that you will have questions (okay, so if the pset was easy, you might not have direct questions about the pset, but the act of doing the pset forces you to engage more with the material, so you will probably have questions about the material itself), book an appointment before your favorite person gets booked up (unlikely to happen, but still, certain time slots with your person can be competitive). Tip: if you schedule an appointment 24 hours before the pset is due, that will motivate you to get the pset/paper done in advance of the meeting so you can check stuff with the mentor/consultant. This will force you to not do assignments last minute, which makes them a lot more enjoyable and interesting! 

5. Go to Office Hours. If professors go over psets during office hours, make sure you try to solve the problems prior to attending. Learning and truly understanding material is NOT a spectator sport. You have to actively participate! Don’t show up to just get the answers. It shows, you aren’t learning as much, you aren’t pushing yourself to reach your full potential, and you aren’t getting your bang for your buck in terms of expensive tuition. If you don’t have questions about the material, ask professors about their lives. Did you know that people’s favorite topic to talk about / write about is themselves? It’s also a privilege that we get to interact directly with professors; that’s not the case at most top institutions. Showing up means you care (I have gone to many office hours, and it’s obvious that nobody else shows up because it doesn’t directly benefit their pursuit of earning a good grade). If you have a borderline grade at the end of the semester, being a regular attendee of office hours will bump your grade up.

6. Midterms. The word “midterm” sounds more stressful than “test.” Yes, they are weighted more heavily in college than they were in high school, and to guarantee yourself an A at the end of the semester, you must submit decent work for each midterm/project/assessment and for the final exam. This is speaking in terms of the A cutoff listed on the syllabus, which is usually 95+. So a final grade of a 93 technically won’t guarantee you an A but that doesn’t mean the prof can’t or won’t bump you up, but this is case-by-case and thus unreliable. Often, with 1-2 midterms, a final, and some free participation/homework points, there’s some wiggle room. That’s the truth, but you should never tell yourself that, since you will likely slack if you persuade yourself with that truth. 

a. advice as your scramble in prep for your first midterm: study your hardest for your first midterm! you don’t know what to expect, and you shouldn’t expect an easy test (philosophically you’ll always be disappointed). prepare for the hardest exam you can imagine, and then if the exam is easy, well, that’s a lovely treat and you probably just knocked it out of the park. the material covered on the first midterm lays the foundation for the rest of the semester, so if the first midterm goes well, you’ll have an explosive amount of confidence moving forward. 

b. nevertheless, the whole “midterms aren’t everything, they are an arbitrary measure of self-worth, and you have wiggle room moving forward” is a good reality check when your first midterm doesn’t go as planned -- which is frequent, since you’re adjusting to a new teaching style and often a totally different discipline of study. after a less than ideal first midterm, know that your overall course grades are more volatile in college than they were in high school, and that should be an empowering fact. your grades will change for the better if you’re willing to put in the work. doing well on the next midterm/project/paper can virtually erase any previous screw up, if you’re willing to put in the work (see the pattern?). what does a willingness to put in the work entail? you have to commit to working harder than you did before (even if you already thought you were operating at your max, you can push yourself harder!) to perform the way you want. that means being generous about your time: don’t complain about how much time you spent on a pset or at office hours. the newsflash is that understanding concepts thoroughly takes time, focus, and discipline. in fact, you might need more time than your peers, so quit comparing or internalizing that other folks are breezing through the class. they might be, but it’s in your best interest to assume that they are also grinding just as hard, if not even harder, than you to get the results they are hoping for. 

7. Finals: in high school, it was really hard for final exams to change your grade for better or for worse, but in college, finals are powerful! If you want to raise your grade and you’re willing to put in the work, finals are the IDEAL opportunity (life hack: if you think of your work as opportunities rather than obligations, you will be happier). 

 *make a plan* (channel elizabeth warren, who has a plan for everything). think about each course that you’re taking, and classify it as situation (1) or situation (2) -- see below. make a list of everything you’d like to get done before the exam; this act helps you visualize which classes have more work. allocate time accordingly, and prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. prioritization takes bravery. do you really need to spend an afternoon, 1 week before finals start where time is still plentiful, studying for an exam in a class that you have a 98%? yeah, it’s always scary to leave stuff off to the last minute (at least for me), but it seems like you can probably cram for that exam the day before. since you understand the concepts, you’re just refreshing your memory. it won’t be too painful. more pragmatically, one week out before the craziness, the course that’s borderline A-/B+ is probably on the forefront of your mind. not groundbreaking, but worth noting: the only way to reduce stress about that class is to do something about it! in this case, study! use the 1 week before finals start, where time is still plentiful, to work though conceptual blips and re-teach yourself challenging material (this should not happen the day before the exam, so make time for it well in advance). trust me, that will make you feel accomplished.

key mindset: you will feel more steady/calm in the days leading up to the exam if you already have a good grasp on the major concepts and just have to fill in some minor gaps. 

situation (1): in the most ideal world, you knock it out of the park for each midterm/project -- and the final exam/project will be chill. this is for 2 reasons: a) most pragmatically, you can afford to not do as well and still get an A. you’ve bought yourself extra wiggle room, and b) philosophically, the strong work you’ve consistently submitted throughout the semester shows that you have a solid grasp of the material, so that final will just come down to some focused memory-refresh. 

situation (2): that ideal case is most often not the case. a rough midterm happens. that’s life. my advice after being in this situation every semester: midterms provide some indication of your understanding of the material (unless you have another metric, which is great!), so review those mistakes and make sure there are no conceptual gaps there. you’re going to have to go through everything discussed in class with a fine mesh sieve and ask yourself -- do I really understand this, or do I need to spend a few more minutes/hours hammering this concept out? (you shouldn’t be doing much during finals week anyway, so “I don’t have time” is not an excuse). it’s going to feel a bit more like catch-up (aka hell, as mentioned earlier) the days leading up to the final exam, and you’re probably beating yourself up about why you aren’t finding yourself in the circumstances of situation (1), but stop feeling sorry for yourself and start grinding. it is 11/10 worth it when you get that A! 

sleep and eat during finals. take breaks. make sure you are crystal clear about when you’re supposed to be and where for your exams. last minute changes are all too common, so clarify logistics before everything gets crazy. then you can spend all of your time doing the important thing -- studying. 

College midterms and finals are really rewarding! Since you have fewer of them, the adrenaline rush and stress is real. For me, high school was more a slow burn with a million tests happening simultaneously, but college workflow is more like short bursts of craziness with hearty breaks. You’ll be exhausted at the end of each stressful climax, but it feels fulfilling when you have a comprehensive understanding of the material. 

8. Group studying: don’t do it. Much of learning is actually a lonely activity. I can’t speak for everyone, but here’s my personal experience: group studying is fun, but I reach record-breaking lows in productivity when I study with others. However, I consistently find myself in a state of flow when I’m isolated and have literally nothing to distract me. In my ideal world, I would sit in a room with no furniture, just white walls and a desk in the middle. My laptop would just disappear when I didn’t need it, since that is a major procrastination tool for me. In our realistic world, my preferred study spaces are the 4th floor of the library, South Quad study lounges (if people don’t collaborate in there), or the Reading Room (I do get pissy and will call people out or pack up my stuff and leave if I hear whispering). The sole purpose of convening a group of classmates should be last minute regurgitation of general concepts. Explaining concepts to another human is helpful review. But if you are your best critic, you can also just teach the air or the wall and get feedback from yourself about your understanding of the material? At the end of the day, you know yourself best, and you are able to be the most honest/brutal with yourself about your understanding (think fine mesh sieve analogy mentioned earlier). I also believe that group studying is only helpful when I have buddies who have a similar level of understanding as me. Otherwise, I feel overwhelmed because I can’t keep up with the discourse or I end up being the tutor. As discussed earlier, being helpful takes time and energy, and usually the week before a midterm is busy and tiring. 

9. Studying: I like writing on blank paper! Try it. I feel freed, both literally and symbolically, when there are no lines on the page. I do all of my homework and study guides on printer paper. 

9.5. Basic truth, but worth stating: Put your phone away, and put your laptop away when you clearly don’t need it. Often, I tell myself I need to look something up on my laptop, and 30 minutes later I’ve totally forgotten what I was actually supposed to be doing on my laptop. Also, you don’t need to respond to text messages and emails immediately! If it’s an emergency, people will call, and you can hear your phone ring even when it’s put away (or even better, they’ll find some other way to get a hold of you). At a minimum, I’m assuming you check your email/phone twice a day, so you won’t ever run the danger of accidentally ghosting someone; you can afford to not check your email or texts when you’re studying. I always think about my elementary and middle school years and how I was much more focused back then. Also, during that time, I had a phone that wasn’t all that interesting and didn’t use my laptop. Coincidence? I think not. 

10. Always carry a folder with some scratch paper in it. Take the cover sheets from the printer (I take other people’s cover sheets as well, since everything left on the printer is fair game). Sometimes everything is a jumble in your head, and writing it down on an unimportant piece of paper allows all the thoughts to just pour out and organize themselves. In linear algebra we called our scratch paper our PSMS (private safe math space). In this space, we don’t feel the pressure of writing out a perfect proof or solution on our first try (newsflash: it’s impossible). It gives us freedom to think and try things out. Then once you get all of the thinking done with arrows and exclamation marks and things crossed out, it’s easy to put everything together in an aesthetically pleasing and logical way. 

11. Grades: have the discipline to not discuss grades with your professors. If you focus on the material and the process of understanding the material, they will love you! And that love will help you earn satisfactory grades. Among all of the professors I’ve had, they share a universal hate in discussing grades (some will tell you that explicitly in the syllabus or whatever), but just don’t be that person. This semester in math we were fully banned from discussing grades and honestly that made me learn the material a lot more voraciously. Here’s a reassuring note that will hopefully persuade you to not worry about grades even more: after finals, professors will try their best to give you what they can. People say that they’re always pleasantly surprised when they see their transcript. You must give your professors a reason to give you the benefit of the doubt -- that means enjoying the process of learning cool new things and kicking ass on each of your midterms! 

[taintedkibou]

Couldn’t Endure - part six

[part one] [part two] [part three] [part four [part five] 

Akira was pulled from his Ryuji-centric dream by a very familiar voice crying “oy”. It took a few moments for his brain to collect itself; they had indeed brought Morgana with them to the Sakamoto residence. When he finally opened his eyes, it was to a cat's accusing glare.

"Why are you so tired? You go to sleep every night." Morgana took a tentative step forward, expression melting into worry. "If you're not sleeping well, you should let me know. It won't be good for our leader to not be at his best while fighting Shadows."

"Morgana," Akira groaned, the noise tapering off into a yawn. "I just had a very emotionally draining yet enlightening two days. I'm entitled to feel worn out." 

"True." Morgana sat back down, tail moving in slow sweeps. "Ryuji's downstairs with his mom."

The head of the Sakamoto household was back. Akira sat up slowly, combing his fingers through his hair. He huffed out an annoyed sigh when they fell back into his face and looked around for his glasses. Morgana helpfully pointed them out on the second to last shelf of Ryuji's bookcase. Akira swung his legs over the side of the bed and reached for them, only to pull his hand back at the last minute. Morgana cocked his head to one side, wondering what was going through the teen's head in that moment.

Akira sprang up from the bed, doubling back after making it halfway across the room so he could straighten it up. Unlike his temporary lodgings, Ryuji's bed needed to be made and he was going to woo his boyfriend's mother over if it was the end of him. Akira slipped into the bathroom and attempted to freshen up as quietly as possible. He lost a few moments smiling at the duo's living habits.

Ryuji obviously needed product for his hair, and apparently so did his mother. They had shelves labeled "mine" and "mine" with a distinct handwriting on each note. In between those two was another shelf labeled "try this". Akira assumed it was a shared shelf. Too cute. And distracting. He was on a mission.

-

Akira peeked around the corner for the kitchen and decided that no Shadow would ever do him in. That job was solely for the Sakamoto family. Ryuji stood a foot taller than his mother, but they had the same slender build. Akira was thrown by the dark locks pulled into a short, loose ponytail, but then remembered that Ryuji was not a natural blond. Mental note to ask for childhood pictures.

"You're not in a Palace," Morgana sighed, weaving between Akira's legs before padding into the kitchen. "Why are you hiding?"

Ryuji's mother heard the meows and moved away from her son to the opposite end of the counter. She picked up a small plate and called Morgana over to the table, setting it down near one of the legs. Akira met Ryuji's eye while the brunette was out of the way, giving him a shy smile in return for the grin directed at him. With a soft pat to the cat's dark head, the woman stood up and faced Akira with a bright smile.

Akira pulled himself from behind the wall to stand in the doorframe. "Sakamoto-san. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I'm Kurusu Akira." He bowed deeply at the waist; all his time primping just went down the drain. Straightening up, Akira smiled sheepishly. "Sorry... for coming over unannounced. We got kicked out of my place."

"Leblanc, right? Ryu-chan talks about it a lot."

Ryu-chan echoed so loudly in his head, it took Akira a great deal of strength to continue listening.

The brunette's smile widened and it was clear Ryuji took after his mom. "He talks about you a great deal as well."

Both boys blushed, but only Ryuji had the safety of turning his back on the conversation. The food needed tending to after all. Akira rubbed the back of his neck, looking from Morgana's smug, satiated face to his own socked feet, before meeting gentle brown eyes again. "All good things, I hope," he chuckled nervously.

"The best."

Akira wondered if this was how Ryuji felt every time someone complimented him, or better yet, them as a couple. His stomach was an overflowing nest of butterflies. Maybe birds? Whatever was in there needed to stop fluttering so he could breathe normally.

Sakamoto wiped her hands in her apron, glancing away from Akira. "Ryu-chan."

"Ha?" Ryuji mumbled, attention torn between his mom and the pots.

"Try not to burn anything. We’ll only be gone a few minutes."

"Aa. Wait... Gone?" He looked over his shoulder. Akira still stood in the doorway, looking as carefree as ever, but Ryuji spent enough time with him to see there was an emotional storm brewing in the depths of his gray eyes. Ryuji sighed and looked away. "Don't make him cry, 'kay?"

"No guarantees," the woman giggled. She turned back around and walked the short distance to Akira, gently tapping him on the shoulder. "Come with me."

Akira moved on autopilot, following her into the living area. Taking a moment to look around, he saw that Ryuji's interests decorated this area as well, but only on one side of the room. 'Just like the bathroom.' He smiled to himself and reclaimed the two steps he'd lost after stopping to gawk. Sakamoto indicated to the sofa while standing in front of a single-seater, and Akira slowly sank onto the soft cushions. This chair was nothing like the one in the attic at Leblanc. The cushions were thicker. He couldn't help but wonder if it folded out into a pullout bed. Gauging the size of the room and how close the table was—probably not. It would still be comfortable to sleep in.

"Akira-kun."

"Yes!" Akira sat up straight, his head snapping in the woman's direction.

She smiled warmly at him. "No need to be nervous around me. I just wanted to say I'm glad my son found you, but I didn't want to do it in front of him. He gets flustered so easily." Akira's stiff form relaxed, a grin creeping onto his face, and Sakamoto giggled, "Of course you've seen that side of him already." 

Akira ducked his head with a whispered apology. She exhaled deeply, her faraway gaze trained on the kitchen where Ryuji still worked. Akira could hear his soft muttering if he paid attention.

"The first time Ryuji told me he liked boys as well as girls was the excuse my former husband needed to find a new punching bag." Straight to the point. Akira's gaze traveled from the woman's clenched hands to her calm face. "Ryuji never spoke about it again. He'd always come home singing about some cute girl he saw, but the beatings still came. After that, Ryuji stopped talking about anything other than track. If he did well, no one suffered." She let out a soft, broken laugh. "We lived under a tyrant's rule with no one to save us."

The noises in the kitchen were gone and Akira could make out the hint of a shadow just beyond the entryway.

Sakamoto cleared her throat, the warm smile returning to her soft features. It was genuine, and directed at Akira. "It took too long to break free of that rule, but even after we were free, Ryuji was no longer the same. Track was a thing of the past, and he dyed his hair the color of the sun. It was just "I'm home", "what's for dinner", and the occasional "let me help". Until he came home one day in April and told me about this weird transfer student."

Akira chuckled, ducking his head. "Guess that would be me."

Sakamoto's smile brightened and Akira wondered how he would survive around this family and their million-watt smiles. "I looked forward to every day he ran into the house yelling about "Akira this" and "Akira that". Then, just over a month ago, he came inside and sat right there on the floor." Sakamoto pointed to the genkan entrance and Akira could visualize Ryuji sitting on the floor, face buried in his hands as he was forced to come face to face with feelings he'd buried so long ago.

Sakamoto chuckled, "We ate right there. Watched some variety shows on our phones, and then he finally told me he liked Akira." Her emphasis on the word made it clear which version she meant. "Of course, my son tends to think before he acts." The woman let out a dramatic sigh, hands clasping her face. "Sometimes he forgets to think... " Akira could hear Morgana laughing, but to Sakamoto, it probably sounded like the cat was vying for attention. "I told him I already knew that and that I was fine with it."

Akira smiled at her subtle approval, but he knew there was still more to her story.

Sakamoto tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear, remembering her son shining as bright as his own hair when he came home and told her about his first date. She calmly folded her hands in her lap, fingers lightly entwined. "Then he came home looking worse than when that man used to raise a hand against us. He refused to tell me about it, but I knew it had something to do with Akira."

Sakamoto sighed, unclasping her hands, only to tangle them in her apron as she wrung them together nervously. "He told me everything while you were resting. He's so... happy now. Even more so than when you first showed up." She shifted, scooting forward to the edge of her seat, and held out her hands to Akira. The apron fell back into her lap. Akira took them, smiling as she squeezed firmly. "Thank you for loving my son."

Akira wasn't expecting such a frank statement of gratitude, and his mouth fell open as his eyes widened.

The woman giggled, giving their hands a little shake. "I hope to see you around more often." Her eyes sparkled with excitement and she practically dragged Akira from the sofa as she raised their hands between them. "I hear you're going to Hawaii in another week. Keep him in check, please." The brunette's expression turned contemplative and Akira had little time to worry if that was a good or bad thing. "I wonder if they allow same sex marriage over there. We can always write you into the family registry—"

"Mom!" Ryuji fell out from behind the wall, his cheeks a faint pink. His ears, however, were bright red. "What the hell are you goin' on about?! It's just a school trip!"

"A marriage on the beach," the woman sighed dreamily.

"Mom! Please... stop talking," Ryuji's voice trailed off into soft desperation. "It's time to eat. Take off the apron and wash up or the food'll get cold."

"My Ryu-chan is such a good boy." Sakamoto gave Akira's hands one last squeeze before she released them and stood from the chair. Ryuji's cheek received a playful pinch as she hurried past him and into the kitchen.

Akira's hands were still suspended in the air where she'd left them, a blank look on his face. Never again would he allow anyone to tease Ryuji. For someone not used to praise and attention, it was probably at least five times worse than what he currently felt plowing through his head and destroying all rational thought.

Ryuji appeared in front of him, startling Akira back to the present. He avoided direct eye contact, and his ears were still red. "Sorry about my mom," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his hand over the cheek she'd pinched. "And I’ll walk you back to the station."

"Oh. I didn't tell you.” Akira blinked blinking wide gray eyes at the blond before mentally kicking himself. He still believed everyone could read his thoughts. “Correction—I didn't ask. Is it… okay if I spend the night? You can say no if you want since I’m springing it on you at the last minute—"

"Yes," Sakamoto cheered from the kitchen. She peeked around the corner, a distressed Morgana curled in her arms. "The bath is a little small for both of you to fit in at the same time, though." If the ground opened to swallow one of them, the other would make sure to follow. The woman lifted Morgana to face level. "What do you think? Will they fit?"

"I'd rather not think about it..." the black cat groaned.

She took the droll meow as a ‘no’. “Yeah. They won’t fit. Boys. It’s time to eat.”

“Please ignore her,” Ryuji whispered as he made his way around the decorative table. “She’s… It’s been a while…” Since we were so happy.

“Your mother is wonderful. I see you in her.” Akira followed a step behind him. He laughed softly, “I feel like she can kick my butt into shape better than you can.”

Ryuji looked over his shoulder to catch the sparkle in those gray eyes and lost himself in their depths. “I want… to kiss you.” Ryuji knew it wasn’t the proper response, but he’d denied himself—and probably Akira—so long, it was time to make up for it. What they’d shared in his bedroom had been nothing more than a greeting. He slid a hand around the back of the pale neck, drawing the brunet closer. Ryuji couldn’t wax poetic about Akira’s beauty, but he sure knew how to appreciate it. His inner beauty more than anything else. Their lips met in a gentle touch, Akira’s parting beneath Ryuji’s.

A chill ran down his spine and Ryuji snapped himself back to the present, reluctantly pulling away from the flushed brunet. He turned towards the kitchen and found his mother pouting from above her phone. Morgana yawned where he was curled up in her lap. How many pictures had she already taken?!

“Leave the cat alone and wash up!” Ryuji snapped, stomping into the kitchen, hands fisted tightly at his sides.

Sakamoto’s pout grew deepened. “I already washed up.” She whispered a soft ‘shoo’ and Morgana hopped out of her lap. He sat near her feet instead.

Akira tried not to drag his feet as he entered the kitchen, wishing he’d taken his glasses with him to give him a modicum of anonymity. He resorted to hiding his face, and the blush coloring his cheeks, behind his hand, but knew it was useless where this family was concerned. The moment he gave in and dropped his hand, Sakamoto’s phone clicked twice.

“Mom,” Ryuji growled, angrily placing the food onto the table. Taking a moment to forget his embarrassment, Akira was surprised he didn’t slam any of the containers.

“But he’s so cute,” the woman giggled.

“I know he’s cute, but that doesn’t mean you have to harass him for the entire night.” Ryuji set down plates for everyone, standing behind his chair once finished. His expression morphed into one of concern. “Akira?”

Akira stood rooted just inside the entrance of the kitchen, his face now buried in both hands. He felt nothing but overwhelming happiness. He tried to borrow confidence from his “Joker” identity, but maybe that was only something he could rely on in the Metaverse, because he still couldn’t face them. ‘You can. You can. You have to eat.’ Taking a deep breath, Akira lowered his hands and grinned at the duo. “I’ll… wash up now.” His movements were somewhat uncoordinated as he made his way to the sink. Once that chore was complete, Akira turned to look for his seat. Of course, it was the empty chair beside Ryuji.

Once he was seated, a soft chorus of ‘thank you for the meal’ was recited and everyone began filling their plates with sides and meats they enjoyed. After a few minutes of listening to mother and son bicker playfully, Akira realized he had been worrying for nothing. Soon after, he was dragged into their conversation when Ryuji wanted backup for an argument, but ended up siding with his mom instead.

-

Once the dishes and kitchen were cleaned and baths were taken—separately, ‘good nights’ were exchanged amongst three. Ryuji closed the door to his bedroom, leaning against the wooden frame. Akira was crouched in front of his bag, searching for something within. The brunet stood after a short time passed, proudly holding up his school slacks. They were sealed in plastic; a probable form of protection against cat fur. Akira removed the covering, shaking them out.

Ryuji grinned, pushing away from the door to find the teen a hanger for his pants. “You really wanted to stay, didn’t you?”

Akira nodded, hooking the article of clothing over his arm as he waited. “The only problem is… I forgot my shirt. I ran out of room, what with Morgana and all.”

“Don’t involve me in your childish plan,” the cat scoffed from the foot of the bed. He knew he would have to move once the boys were ready to sleep, so he’d enjoy the comfort while it lasted.

Ryuji would have laughed if he hadn’t become trapped in those mesmerizing eyes again. There was something important he needed to understand. It probably had to do with why Akira was staring do earnestly at him. I forgot my shirt. “Did you… wanna borrow one of mine?” He held out the hanger with a grin. “I stopped using them after my first year, so they’re practically brand new.”

Akira walked the short distance from one side of the room to the other. He closed his hand around Ryuji’s, tugging the blond closer. The self-made rule of not teasing Ryuji didn't apply to him, just everyone else. And where was this playful behavior earlier when he needed it? No matter. He brushed his lip’s lightly across Ryuji’s cheek, stopping right by his ear. “Can I keep it? I’ll wear it on the rare occasions we don’t meet, so I can always be reminded of you.”

Ryuji swallowed thickly and decided to play along. He slipped his free arm around Akira’s waist, pulling the willowy frame flush against his front. Akira gasped softly in his ear and Ryuji was glad the other teen couldn’t see his face right now. There was a high possibility it was as red as it felt hot. “Only if I get one of yours in exchange.”

Akira pressed his free hand to Ryuji’s chest with a chuckle, “That won’t work. You never wear a proper school uniform. I’ll buy you a new graphic tee. We can pick it out together. This way, you’ll definitely remember me when you wear it.”

“I’d like that.”

The embarrassment hit them tenfold when Morgana groaned loudly, and they pulled apart, awkwardly avoiding each other’s eyes.

“Let me out.” Morgana hopped down from the bed and padded his way to the door. He pressed a paw against the wood, looking back at the blushing boys with a thoroughly put-upon expression. “Please.”

“Fine,” Ryuji huffed, moving around Akira to reach the door.

Akira took the time to hang his school pants on the hanger given to him, suspending it next to Ryuji’s. To know Ryuji set out his uniform every day made him smile. Once the task was completed, he made his way to the bed and began folding back the covers.

Ryuji joined him shortly after, taking the thick blanket away to stuff it in the closet. “Won’t need it,” he muttered. “Morgana’s in my mom’s room. I’m sure she’ll enjoy the company. Ready to sleep?”

The question was accompanied by a grin that Akira couldn’t help but kiss. A quick press of his lips before pulling away and diving into the foreign bed. He patted the spot next to him with a failed attempt at looking sultry. Ryuji was still laughing as he climbed into the bed to occupy the offered space. After calming down, the blond pulled Akira close, kissing the top of his head then the bridge of his nose.

Akira tilted his head, catching Ryuji off guard when he sealed their mouths together. The kiss was minty and chaste. He pulled away, licking his lips, and tucked his face against Ryuji’s chest. His confession came out muffled, “I’m really happy.”

“Yeah,” Ryuji murmured from above him, tightening his arms around the slender figure in a gentle embrace. “I’m happy, too. I know everyone’s gonna be waitin’ at the Station Square for us tomorrow, so let’s enjoy tonight.” Ryuji closed his eyes, appreciating the sounds of Akira’s laughter. It was far more relaxing than any rainforest or ocean waves, not that he’d ever listened to such audio. “You’re welcome… to come over any time.” He idly wondered if it was wrong of the host to fall asleep first, but Ryuji knew Akira would forgive him. 

Ryuji’s prediction came true the following morning. All four students were lined up outside the Teikyu building, chatting amongst themselves until they spotted the couple.

Ann launched herself at Ryuji once he was close enough, arms looped around his neck. “Congratulations!”

“For what?” Ryuji scoffed, subtly trying to pry her off. “We didn’t do anything. You’re pretty perverted for a girl.”

“You’re one to talk, Sakamoto Ryuji!” Ann poked him in the cheek repeatedly, coming back even after he swatted her hand away. “I’m simply congratulating you on finally getting into the relationship you’ve always wanted.”

“Thanks,” Ryuji muttered, staring down at the ground to hide his blush.

“I would also like to congratulate you as well,” Makoto chimed in. Ryuji peeked at her from the corner of his eye, instinctively returning her smile with one of his own. “I’m a little disappointed that Akira couldn’t get you to wear a full uniform again, though.”

“That’s because Akira’s wearing Ryuji’s shirt,” Yusuke pointed out calmly.

A silence fell among the small group. Akira adjusted his glasses, clearing his throat at the same time, and decided it was time for them to head for the Ginza line. He voiced his thoughts on the matter and started into the Teikyu building. Ann found her new prey, chasing after their leader. Makoto was on her heels, warning her not to cause too much of a scene.  

Realizing who he’d been left alone with, Ryuji held up his arms, crossing them in front of his person as a ward against attack. Yusuke smiled, his soft chuckle barely audible, and gave Ryuji a pat on the shoulder. “Even though Futaba sent me that wonderful image, I wanted to make sure everything went okay. That’s why I’m here.”

His hand slid away and Ryuji couldn’t help but feel somewhat disappointed. He’d gotten used to Yusuke’s eccentric ways after all. He also reminded himself that most of their skinship acts had taken place in Mementos or the privacy of Leblanc, Akira’s attic room by extension. Yusuke was taking his feelings into consideration. Ryuji gave him a friendly slap on the back, grinning at the wide-eyed stare from the taller teen. “Thanks, man.”

Yusuke’s expression softened into a smile and he nodded.

“Let’s go save my… ah—our leader before Ann tears him out of my shirt.”

“As much as I would love to…” Yusuke trailed off, pointing at the gates behind Ryuji. “If our fearless leader is still in one piece, we can hang out after school.”

Ryuji administered a salute as Yusuke walked away. Once their swordsman was through the gates, he turned, with little hurry, to do the same. Ryuji yawned loudly as he climbed the nearby set of stairs, arms stretched high above his head. He tapped his pass at the gates, taking the steps two at a time to reach the platform. Ann was the easiest to spot. Hurrying to the trio, Ryuji pulled Akira behind him, mindful of the other waiting passengers and the edge of the platform. One day, he told himself.

“My hero,” was whispered against the back of his neck, reminding the blond who the biggest tease of all was. He would have leapt away if Akira had not taken a hold of his suspender. Ann and Makoto moved to either side of them, striking up a random conversation, and Ryuji felt his chest tighten. Just like Yusuke, they were protecting him from prying eyes.

One day, I won’t care what other people think. Ryuji would enjoy what he had now and patiently wait for that “one day”. 

#fic: couldn't endure #persona #p5 #p5 protagonist #akira kusuru #kurusu akira #ryuji sakamoto #sakamoto ryuji #akira x ryuji #akiryu #pegoryu #happy ending time #fanfiction #my fiction

[ellanainthetardis]

I hope you don't mind me prompting although everything seems to go down at the moment. So maybe this will never be written: I was thinking of their first years working together and Haymitch not helping her at all with everything and it really starts to annoy her at some point. And maybe Mags could tell him that he should be happy to have her and that she's doing great work? And maybe he could offer some help at the end? Thank you!

I hc that Mags had herstroke a few years after Finnick won so that’s why she’s alright in there incase you’re wondering ;)[X]

A Mentor’s Advice

Trinket left with an angry huff and Haymitch took a sip of whiskey, very pleased with himself.

“If I’m lucky she’s gonna sulk ‘till tomorrow.”he declared, toasting his friends.

He, Mags, Beetee and Chaff were sitting in acorner of the mentor lounge. Haymitch wasn’t in any mood to run after sponsorsin a vague attempt at convincing them Twelve would do better next season andthey should really consider givingthem their money the following year. The Sixty-fifth Hunger Games had beenexhausting, not least of all because of the Odair mania that was shaking thecity, and all victors were on edge. While the boy had been a clear favorite, ithad still been a tough journey and Mags had been on her feet for days. It hadbeen difficult to drag her away from the hospital where the boy was resting andHaymitch didn’t intend to let his escort of three years spoil the night.

“You’re hard on that girl.” Mags chided him,bringing her glass of white wine to her lips. She hadn’t drunk a lot comparedto the rest of them, but then again she never did.

He glanced at Chaff who hid his smile behindhis own glass and then at Beetee who was staring at the table.

“Seriously?” he scoffed. “She’s a fucking pain.”

“A pain you wouldn’t mind screwing.” Chaffremarked, his dark eyes twinkling in mischief.

“Please.” he scowled.

“Well, you seemed interested at first.” Beeteepointed out. Haymitch shot him a betrayed look and Three’s victor lifted hishands in a peace offering. “Her first year you were all over her.”

“That was before I realized how stuck-up shewas.” He sneered. “Maybe, she’s not bad looking. Maybe. But fuck is sheannoying… She’s the worst escort I’ve everhad. She’s on my back every fucking day. Haymitchthis and Haymitch that. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.  Always threatening me to get rid of mybooze…” His friends all exchanged a look. It felt very much like they wereganging up on him. And on behalf of Trinket.“What?”

“Yeah, buddy…” Chaff chuckled. “Don’t punch mefor stating the obvious but… The more a woman work you up, the more badly youwant her. You like them difficult. That’s your thing.”

Haymitch glared and his best friend shrugged.

“I don’t wantTrinket.” he snapped. “I hate her. I fucking hate her. You know she can’tshut up, right? She’s always talking.Gives me headaches.”

“Are you sure it isn’t the alcohol?” Beeteeteased.

“And she’s so fucking entitled…” he went on, ignoring the interruption. “She’sconvinced she can walk on water. She acts like everyone should stop and bow ather. She expects me to thank her everyminute of the day. She’s as stupid as they come too. And…”

Mags scoffed. “Now, that’s unfair, boy.”

Haymitch bristled at being called a boy. He wasthirty-one after all. But it was Mags and Mags would always see him as the lostkid who had followed her around during his first Games as a mentor.

“How’s that unfair?” he mumbled. “The onlythings that comes out of her mouth are fashion stuff and gossips.”

“Maybe you should talk to Torello.” Chaffsuggested. “Get a new one. I wouldn’t mind getting her off your hands. Violaneeds to go and fast. Before Istrangle her.”

Haymitch made a face. He had gone to the HeadGamemaker several times already. “He won’t promote her. Said something abouthow she’s good at keeping me in line. Whatever that means.”

“That means you actually show up where you aresupposed to be, dressed and mostly on time.” Beetee observed. “And you don’t make the headlines sooften for pulling drunk stunts.”

“That’sa shame.” Chaff agreed. “She’s keeping you on a tight leash. She’s a pain,true.”

“Ah.”he triumphed, toasting his best friend. “Thankyou.”

Mags shook her head. “I wish Effie was on my team. Oliva was no help at all. Yours isefficient, Haymitch, you should not take that for granted.”

“Efficient.” he repeated with a scoff.

“She goes the distance.” Beetee nodded wisely.“She doesn’t just show up at events and leave you with all the work. I likeGloria well enough but she doesn’t do halfof what Effie does for you. You are lucky, my friend.”

“Lucky.”He wrinkled his nose in distaste. “You want her, you’re welcomed to her.”

“Yeah, sure…” Chaff chuckled. “And you wouldn’tpitch a fit at all? ‘Cause I heard Two’s on the market for her.”

“What?” he frowned, his eyes automaticallyshifting to the other side of the mentors lounge where the Careers were havinga drink.

“I am too.” Mags declared, her winkled handwaving away an imaginary problem. “Who isn’t? She actually coaches the kids, she’s always willing to help withsponsors, she does the paperwork andshe’s committed. And whatever you say, Haymitch, she isn’t as dumb as you makeit out to be. Nobody who can work the crowd like she does can be that stupid.”

“She’sdumb.” Chaff confirmed. “But then again they all are.”

Beetee smiled a little, turning his attentionthoroughly on Haymitch. “I think you grew too used to her. Remember how it waswith your last escort?”

“That was Viola.” Eleven’s victor snorted. “Youtold Torello you would push her down the stairs if he didn’t replace her. Can’thelp but notice you’re not making the same threats with Trinket, buddy…”

“Would you really let her go?” Mags asked,sounding a little more interested than Haymitch was comfortable with. As if shewould really drag him to Torello thatsecond if they could come to some sort of deal. Four was the great winner ofthe season, it had been some time since a new victor had been more popular thanFinnick, and it was pretty much guaranteed that whatever Mags asked she wouldget. Including his escort.

“And go back to mentoring by himself?” Chaffmocked. “Doing all the paperwork? Not a chance.” Haymitch glared at him but hisfriend simply shrugged and took a sip of his whiskey. “Sorry, man, but you’reall talk. It comes down to it, you won’t let her go. She’s too good at her job.Now, take my advice, screw her, take it out of your system…”

“I don’twant to screw her.” he spat. “What’s so complicated to understand about that?”

“The sexual tension between the two of you thatcould be cut with a knife?” Beetee suggested innocently. His glare switchedtarget but Three’s victor didn’t even flinch. “I’m sorry, Haymitch, but the way you two look at each other…

“She wants you to fuck her… You want to fuckher…” Chaff smirked. “You need us to draw you a map or you think you can find whereto put it?”

He rolled his eyes, downed the rest of hisdrink and stood up, annoyed by their stupidity. They weren’t in high school andit was very much what it felt like at that moment. He ignored their calls forhim to come back and their apologies, striding out of the lounge and out theCenter while he was at it.

Some fresh air would do him good.

The Peacekeepers shot him a suspicious lookwhen he passed by. Too many times being arrested for drunken rampages, nodoubt.

He settled in the shadow of the building, a fewfeet away from the entrance, watching people mingle in the City Circle.Capitols were celebrating the end of the Games and it sickened him. It wasn’tlong before he noticed his escort, her head thrown back as she laughed towhatever the men she was talking to had said. They were sponsors and he waspretty sure the flirting was a way to get their attention but it made somethingtwist within his belly all the same. Their tributes were dead and there shewas, partying with the rest of them like it meant nothing.

His gaze was drawn to her slender neck, to the softcurves and the endless legs. She knew how to dress and she always dressed toseduce. She was a walking deadly trap, he had seen that at first glance. Insome ways, she reminded him of his arena: deceptively beautiful, danger lurkingbehind bright colors, deadly under the bubbly attitude.

Much as he liked to pretend she was nothing butanother Capitol drone, there were layers to Trinket. He hadn’t seen it at firstbut he saw it now. The steel under the soft smile, the calculating spark in hereyes, the carefully controlled image she gave the world.

She was naïve and unbearable and far tooshallow. Still mostly ignorant of what was going on behind the scene whenvictors were concerned. Still arguing that they could win because she had been taught the odds were fair. Stilladamant she knew better than he did.

“I am an old woman, Haymitch. I am not alwaysas skilled at diplomacy as I used to be.” Mags said.

He didn’t startled but it was a close thing.Mags could move as silently as a cat. He snorted because whatever she claimedshe didn’t look as old as she was. She was one of the first victors stillalive, undefeated by the depression or addictions that plucked so many othersbefore their time. Mags was strong and he couldn’t ever see her as anything butthat. She stood proud and tall in any circumstances. Defiant.  

“It’s alright.” he shrugged. “They were justgetting on my nerves.”

He purposefully excluded her from thatstatement, unwilling to say anything to hurt her feelings. Mags had been asecond mother to him for a long time. Chaff might have been the closest thinghe had got from a mentor but Mags had always been there, ready to advise andimpart her wisdom – whether he liked it or not.

“I wasn’t telling you to seduce your escort.”Four’s victor clarified. “Although what you do is your own business and,between you and me, I think it’s been too long since you had a good flirt.Hearts are meant to love and be broken once in a while. It gives some spice tolife.”

“Got no heart left to break.” he spat. “Andshe’s Capitol.”

And yet his eyes hadn’t moved away from her –admittedly attractive – figure.

“Still, Haymitch.” Mags sighed. “Go easy on thegirl. As far as escorts go, you lucked out. I am not saying you should jumpthrough loops every time she tells you to but… Some help here and there wouldprobably smooth things out quite nicely.” He opened his mouth to argue but shelifted her hand. “She does a great job by herself. Imagine what you could do ifyou actually worked together. We all have someone to share the burdenwith. You could use an ally.”

She left before he could defend his point andhe was left staring at his escort.

Eventually he rolled his eyes, buried his handsin his pockets and made his way over, already knowing it would be a disaster.The sponsors’ faces lit up when they saw him approach behind her back becauseas far as victors went he tended to be elusive. Trinket paused, puzzled by whathad caught their attention.

Haymitch enjoyed her small jump of surprisewhen he touched her shoulder and he delighted in her sudden stammering evenmore.

He liked putting her off balance.

Maybe he couldhelp now and then.

If only to keep her on her toes.

It had nothing to do whatsoever with the brightblinding smile she shot him.

Nothing at all.

#hayffie #effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #prompt #games time #not established #fighting hayffie #the victors gang #chaff #beetee #mags

[confessionsofalionholic]

SB/GB Ranting

Lmfaooo XD Ah. Okay. First of all. I noted what I personally pay and value GB at. That was 1kSB. If you payed attention, I said a fair price "is closer to 1,200-1,400SB". Which is not at all an opinion of mine. That is a community concluded statistic. Nice try though. And on the note of opinion, your entire response is one. Treated as fact, no less. Let's list some of those and get educated, shall we? Since that's your goal towards me.

1) "In order to give you a GB for the price you think is fair, the GB seller is losing money. You should be thankful they acted charitable towards you and your undervaluing of their asset, or that they didn’t educate themselves properly and got taken advantage of."

Not at all. The only way a player is guaranteed to be "losing" money is if they purchased GB with a higher SB price than what they are selling for. Given the fluctuating prices and all, they very well could also be selling for close to 2k a piece as well. If that's the case, they're actually averaging out to the 1.2/1.4 number. That's not a loss (nor a gain). Now if they did CHOOSE to sell to me for a LESSER price than they ORIGINALLY purchased for, that's again their CHOICE. They, themselves, made a very conscious decision to sell to me for that price. Not only that, but THEY had to seek out my public trade open for anyone to accept or scroll right on past. So...acting like there's some sort of wrongdoing here...why? Like who's being taken advantage of? Because even if said person was uneducated, they can see right there in the TC, among MANY other trades, what higher values they might be able to get for their GB. You'd have to be taking my word for this, but the player(s) who buys out my trade generally isn't a newbie so they're fully aware of what they're doing. And if they felt cheated or disgusted by my trade, they wouldn't even click that button. And if it was such a greedy grab, it wouldn't BE bought out within a matter of days of me creating it. It would sit and rot if it was considered so unjustifiably unfair T.T

2) "And your downtalking of people who want to get as much SB out of their GB...You just reverse the role from them being the greedy one to you being a selfish cheap ass. ...get the most out of your assets to play this game so don’t try to act superior.  If you are too good to have a dying need for pixelated computer generated image then save some more SB."

*sigh* This is all incredibly biased with an obvious direction in the matter of you being one of the people milking GB costs as much as you can possibly manage. I, however, am noting my personal actions versus what actually is statistically going on within the community and factually proven. You're just driving insults at me because I happened to call out how it's very possible to get GB still at the 1k rate that was much more common a year or so ago. And upset about my call out on the realities of what this made up currency is even for/doing and how much it actually does rule your life that you gotta get so worked up over someone handing out a reality check instead of your golden beetles. I have no real NEED for either SB nor GB. I just happen to earn them with regular game functions and because I don't spend it, it DOES get saved up, technically. And..then I set up a trade with like 4k SB and put a BO of 4GB. And...it gets bought. Like.. Sorry? Well. No. Lol. I can't even pretend to be. I've done nothing wrong and am taking advantage of no one. And I don't apologize for being among the small percentage of people left that are okay with the value of GB between myself and that other person (who has their own right to value as they wish, mind you) being at the low cost of 1kSB.

I never even used the word greedy in my original post nor downtalked people for selling that high. Because yeah, the truth is, we're both going about our own ways of getting the most out of our assets. The difference between myself and some of those people is though, what you called to be superiority and being "too good", the fact that I don't take this shit to heart nor try to manipulate situations for a "quick" and "easy" gain. And it's INSANELY hypocritical to bitch about people taking advantage of lower rates while literally hyping up a way to take advantage of higher rates. **It lowkey annoys me when people think they're entitled to that much because the market price is at a high point now, and I won't satisfy the people who are whining about it.**

3) "But what, you’re too impatient to save more right? So let the GB seller take the loss."

Not at all. As previously stated, I have no real NEED for GB/SB. I've been looking to leave this game for a long time now. It's just difficult to get my items sold for a little more than next to nothing because my items DO have value. Though I'm sure you'd like to be quick to tell me to give it all away to solve my problems. So..then your concern isn't really about the economy and financial gains or what's fair, is it? Again, just mad because I get my GB cheap while you sell expensively :) And yeah, let the GB seller take the loss. If they choose to, they can. No one should be telling them otherwise. If they're truly a charitable person though, that would actually mean they are making a gain. Since you're defining it as getting nothing, then getting nothing for their GB would be giving it away for free. At least with my purchase, they're making a thousand more SB per GB sold to me :) Doesn't really sound all that bad to me.

But anywho. I've said all I've needed to about the matter. There's nothing left to say about an intangible piece of code that has superficial fluctuating value. Feel how and do whatever you want. It bothers me none. Again, I was just here to say that some of us are still working with the 1/1.2kSB value for a GB quite happily. Keeping it to myself, mind you, unlike the shitty people who openly truly take advantage of uneducated or charitable people buy things cheap and flipping it. Makes me wonder if you're one of them to be honest ;D But that's another matter, eh? Not one you'd probably care to discuss so long as people aren't changing the value of the GB saved by ripping THEM off.

--Selfish Cheap Ass

#anon response #submission

[rametarin]

A subtle form of abuse.

Sometimes abuse deliberately makes itself look mundane. You’ll never be able to tell, because in explaining what it is, it sounds like a pedantic gripe or just the recipient being whiny.

But I want you to imagine this. You, as an adult, are a dependent. Your handler/guardian has complete legal custody of you. You cannot leave without winding up in either a juvenile hall, or a psyche center/ward.

Basically so long as they aren’t demonstrating abuse to you, they can ward you however they want. Now, they know they can’t hit you, outwardly yell at you, belittle you openly, or demean you. And “accidents” or “coincidences” that happen too often are bad optics.

So, what is an abuser to do? How can they drive you nuts with full impunity?

Social conventions and antagonism.

It starts in the morning. They open up with conversation, as seems normal. But it takes them a minute to three to get passed the boilerplate in order to see if they actually have anything they want to say worth hearing.

What they ultimately want is for you to be forced in the phase of listening and not acting, going or doing. While they are getting to their point, you are at their mercy. If you try to leave, they will justify that as being angry with you and upping the antse to arbitrary demerits and punishment, citing very real things you did that they have the power to govern as insults. Other people when they hear this story will think, “Well it’s both none of my business but also true if that rude little shit just walked off while the guardian is speaking, that’s flagrant disrespect and rude and selfish. I think they were right in doing what they did.”

But that’s the objective. The objective of drawing out how long (not necessarily how much is said) they take to get to the fucking point when addressing you, is the form of abuse. It’s a control of where you are in place and time, and setting up borders while they address you. They’re controlling your every second.

So you learn to listen in case they have anything worth hearing, just so they won’t fly off the handle and punish you disproportionately to what you’ve done.

And then they suck 2 minutes out of your day.

Doesn’t seem like much? Okay, now imagine they let a few seconds pass, and now they’re continuing to speak. What, you thought you were done? You’d better pay attention, because they’re giving you little tidbits to MAKE you pay attention for as long and to everything that they say and then punish you for ignoring them, if you don’t pay attention.

You’re generously given about 3-4 minutes to yourself. It’s a little time to not be harassed or make it obvious they’re antagonizing you and they just had “something” to say. But that 3-4 minute window is not enough time to do anything or start anything of value.

Now another 2 minutes is cheated out of your day. Up to 4 minutes.

Now 2 more minutes pass. And they start up again.

Now it’s something about breakfast. They’re asking you what you want. You tell them.

They wait a few seconds, then they go on to give you options after you give them what you want

You repeat yourself. Making you repeat yourself by pretending not to perceive your response forces you to invest time and effort into communication, and ignoring you when you respond forces you to do it again. But they give you these false confirmations that they’re listening, because you don’t have the means to know if they’re hearing until they themselves affirm it.

So they keep giving you options.. Between 2-5 times, before they’ll accept any response or definitive answer you give.

Five minutes of listening to their spiel, like playing a RPG game where you can’t mash the “FUCKING FINISH THE DIALOGUE” button and continue on. You’re trapped in that window of time while they drone on and on to get to the point.

Now we’re up to about 12 minutes of your day has been sucked out of you just in the back-and-forth conversationally when a simple “hello,” “morning,” “want breakfast?” “-thing-” is all that’s required. And maybe small talk.

But you combine that with the deliberate gaps between the burning of your time and it becomes almost an entire fucking half hour of the day of someone reinacting how the Mongols would siege any given civilization. Just roll in, fling arrows from horse back, ride away quickly. Then swing back around, antagonize with projectiles on horseback, ride awayquickly. You try and do anything else and they’re on you with something that demands first priority of your attention and time.

Interspersed with ignoring you when you answer as if they’re not done speaking yet (false gaps for response), loud, “Whaaat?” to pretend they didn’t understand you, then making you repeat yourself LOUDER to pretend they didn’t hear you. All of it to just suck as much time and energy from you as they can possibly get.

For no other purpose than to take it away from you, so you can’t have it for yourself.

And if you raise your voice to make FUCKING SURE they hear you the first time, they get upset and use it as an excuse to demerit you and rant about how you don’t need to scream in the house. Which takes another 2 minutes of your time.

There’s absolutely nothing you can do to avoid this. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop this. They have the perfect avenue to take their sweet time, and yours, against your will. And interrupt whatever you’re doing to withhold enjoyment or immersion in anything you’re doing, whenever they wish.

Could be as simple as being outside, with them standing in the doorway and demanding you be just far enough away that they can hear you. And then pretending they can’t hear you, you need to come closer to the house. About fifty feet from the door, therebouts. It just becomes too fucking frustrating to even bother leaving the house anymore, so you stay inside just to keep their fucking mouth shut just a few seconds more of the day.

There’s no fulfillment to be had in doing anything if someone is just going to give themselves top priority to your time, no matter what you’re doing, and then piss all over that precious time. So you stop doing things.

Even when you go over to visit friends, when you get back the abusive guardian is mad about you leaving the home. They talk your ear off and demand you engage them, even passively, to make up for the time where they DIDN’T have the agency to intrude in your time and space.

Now, absolutely nothing I’ve said here is done in obvious and visible quantities that would construe traditional abuse. They can all just be chalked up to “eccentricities” or “good parenting.” Even if recorded before a judge, it’d just sound like normal everyday interactions. But it’s the means and how and length of the conversations, and how they react when asked to shorten it, that gets to be abusive. There’s no respectful, polite way to get them to stop doing it. They do it on purpose and premeditate it specifically to sink your time.

Doing it this way, they can just suck the peace and solitude out of your entire day. And nobody will care, because they aren’t verbally belittling you, they aren’t being audibly snide, they aren’t striking you, and they aren’t destroying your things. In fact, they intersperse it with seemingly benevolent guardian things. Normal things. Like cooking you food, or offering you something from the store.

You can just dominate and destroy somebody’s entire day just by diverting their attention to you, grabbing hold of it, letting them slip through your fingers and then yanking the leash a little later. Just enough to threaten consequences if they don’t pay attention to you. Just enough to “yank your chain.”

And unless you’re willing to put yourself in an even worse situation for even a possibility of escape, you’re guaranteed this low key torture and antagonism.

You try to study or read anything, it’s not going to be a solid chunk of time. It’s going to be stop-and-go.

Knowing this, is it any FUCKING wonder so many American kids have attention deficiency? Their fat disgusting narcissistic mothers, fresh from kicking their fathers out of the house (that they still have to pay the mortgage on while sleeping in their cars) and need someone to jabber at all fucking day.

No one is there to say, “Shut your fucking mouth and leave them alone! You aren’t entitled to all their time! You aren’t entitled to all their attention! This is not okay!” Because the men aren’t allowed to do so without it being considered a social faux pas for telling a mother how to parent while being a man, and other mothers/women also want that to be an acceptable way for them to get attention, antagonize and it be perfectly legal.

So if you ask me, it’s no surprise kids in the US are attention-deficient. After the fat disgusting pigs suck all the attention and time away, drugs like adderal and legalized forms of meth are their way of milking even more interaction out of them against their will.

A bit like giving your slaves cocaine to improve performance and improve morale, but destroying their bodies meanwhile.

Taking all of someone’s time and attention away from them leave them angry, bitter and just chomping at the bit to beat you until you stop living. Forcing them to participate in a familial relationship where they have responsibility but no agency or freedom.

This abusive form of parenting has been normalized and nobody can fucking do shit about it.

[thetreeswestofhere]

Effective Boundaries

Below is an article posted on Little Red Tarot today - so good and important!

Hawthorn Heart: What makes an effective boundary

by Andi Grace

 This is an excerpt from my upcoming online course Hawthorn Heart: magical boundary skills for women and femmes. It touches mostly on my more practical perspective on boundaries. The rest of the course is full of magical skills and political perspectives – all of which are geared to help you build bad-ass boundaries that fight the patriarchy and protect your magic.

So.. what makes an effective boundary?

The most effective boundaries that I’ve been able to enact in my life have all been: measurable, accountable, negotiable and communicable. In this post we’ll cover the measurable and accountable parts.

Measurable

Often, when we are setting a boundary, the need for the boundary arises from an emotional experience. And at the same time, boundaries that are built around our emotional, subjective or qualitative experience of something can be hard to maintain because they can be hard to measure in a concrete way.

This means: the need for the boundary arises from an emotional experience, but the boundary itself will be more effective if it’s nestled in a concrete way of measuring its effectiveness.

For example, when I experienced burn-out or exhaustion in jobs I’ve worked in non-profit settings I may crave feeling less tired, to have my labor and time be more appreciated or acknowledged, or to be heard more clearly by the folks I work with and for.

These are all totally valid and healthy needs and they may be hard to manifest if we don’t have a way of measuring them. This can especially be true when our boundary rests up against a system of power, and especially when the person or system in power wants to undermine our perspective of reality.

A solid boundary in this case could be:

“I won’t work hours for which I am not paid.”

OR

“I won’t work with co-workers who won’t use my pronoun.”

OR

“I want my name to appear on this report and not just the name of my superior, because I came up with the ideas he is using here.”

In these examples we can measure how the boundary is working in our lives by being able to see clearly if it is being adhered to.

Boundaries that are measurable are especially helpful for women and femmes because so much of our exhaustion and feeling of being used or not appreciated has to do with an implicit (or sometimes explicit) expectation that we will provide endless emotional labour. This labour is seen as a requirement and is often measured in how the feelings of the people around us shift based on the impacts of our time, wisdom and attention. And for most women and femmes, when we are giving this labour it goes unnoticed, but when we cease to do so, people feel angry that we aren’t providing, effortlessly and constantly, work that is perceived as a natural and necessary part of our being.

And so being able to measure, for example, how long we are willing to listen to someone process a feeling with us or what we deserve in return for this labour makes tangible and visible the work we do that is often invisibilized.

Another example of a measurable boundary would be something like:

“I will only do the labour of explaining something about my experience to someone with more privilege than me, if they are willing to take me out for lunch or make me a nourishing meal in exchange for my time and wisdom.”

 Accountable

Creating boundaries that we are accountable for enforcing is one of the best ways to guarantee the boundary will succeed. When we rest the functionality and accountability for our boundaries in the hands of others, we give our power away in ways that make our boundaries much less likely to be successful.

Often boundaries that we expect others to hold on our behalf can lend themselves to co-dependent dynamics that are full of resentment.

For example, say I have a friend who likes to endlessly complain about a situation in their life. A situation which they could change if they were willing to make some sacrifices, confront a difficult conflict, or do much needed personal work. I would differentiate this from a persistent problem, held in place by daunting systems of power, which realistically cannot be changed by sheer will, work or faith. It’s a problem my friend can change, if they are willing to do some hard work and: be accountable.

This person likes to have me listen to them, but doesn’t want to hear my feelings or ideas about how they could change the situation.

In this case, I could listen to my friend and explain to them that I need these conversations to happen less, or in a different way. Or I could passive aggressively judge them, make comments that make them feel unloved and uncomfortable, or talk about them behind their back while feigning niceness to their face.

I have tried many of these strategies and have had them done to me. They hurt! And I’ve learned that really, what I need to do is take a deep breath, find my center and communicate my limits to my friend.

Because here’s the thing: my friend is relying on me not to maintain the boundary. Even if they love and respect me, they get something that is very valuable to them when the boundary is not enforced: my seemingly endless availability to witness them, without judgement, advice or requests around their behaviour – and to act as if the process does not affect me.

This dynamic could (and has) lead to me feeling resentment towards my friend, which really doesn’t feel good to either of us and could lead to our relationship collapsing under the weight of their expectations of my labour and my weak boundaries in response.

Let’s say I go for lunch with this friend. I could communicate my boundary  to them in advance.

“I care about you. I see you are in a lot of pain in this situation. Right now based on my energy/spoons/desire/trauma I can only listen to you talk about this for 15 minutes.”

At the lunch I can set a timer for 15 minutes and when it goes off I need to be willing to walk away or change the topic if the conversation continues.

If I make my friend responsible for my boundary I am likely to not feel in control of how the conversation flows. I am likely to have my boundary steam rolled, as is the usual flow.

This type of steam rolling can happen even when we have good intentions. Even when we love each other. I have done it. I think most people have been on both sides of this. Many of us just want to be heard.

We want to be witnessed and when we get on a slightly dis-embodied anxiety, fueled roll we can run the people we love into the ground by not noticing their limitations. And so, if we are those loving people, its our job to make those limitations known, in clear and (if appropriate) gentle ways. And ideally, the person we are communicating our boundary to can hear the boundary and adjust their behaviour to meet our request.

Now, all this is not to say that the maintenance of our boundaries can’t be helped or supported by people we love.

Relationships with deep and healing intimacy often work in ways that allow both people to communicate their boundaries and for those boundaries to be heard and mutually respected.

And, in the cases where mutual respect and support is not present, ultimately we need to be responsible for walking away, or doing whatever it is we need to do to be in our integrity.

And of course, this can be really hard to do! Because it sometimes requires sacrifice, letting people down, or even receiving cruel feedback from the people we love, who are projecting their grief about losing our presence and emotional labour, back onto us, instead of digesting and processing their own feelings.

This phenomenon is particularly common for femme, witchy, empath folks.

And on our side of things, as the listeners/labourers, it can be really easy to sit in a position of power under and complain about something or someone saying “they didn’t respect my boundary”. Now I want to be clear here: It’s not to say that this didn’t happen. The person very well may have not respected your boundary AND the reality is that we need to do the action of enforcing the boundary for it to be accountable to our needs. We can’t make our work someone else’s responsibility because if we do, it’s likely to just lead to us feeling disappointed and burnt out as we give our power away over and over again.

And because I know how hard this work is, I love the practice of thanking someone for setting a clear boundary with me. If I am having a hard time sleeping because I’m spinning about something and my partner says to me “babe, I love you and I just can’t talk about this right now. I’m going to sleep now, I want to talk about this tomorrow” this might hurt my feelings initially, because on some level I feel entitled to the habit of my partner being available to me in this way. But I can learn to see this boundary as an expression of love, trust and intimacy – even though its hard to set.

So in response I say, “Thanks for being clear with your boundary, I really appreciate the hard work you are doing there to have clarity with me on what your needs are.”

And in return I often get the same appreciation and acknowledgement back in relationships where boundaries are seen as a fundamental part of healthy intimacy.

And really, those are my favourite kinds of relationships.

#andigrace #littleredtarot #boundaries

[ficdirectory]

Blink (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 36

CHAPTER 36

“I was raped.”

The words are out of Pearl’s mouth after a deep silence.  Jesus is still here.  The quiet has been comfortable.  Companionable.  Why did Pearl have to ruin it with the truth?

 But she knows why.  Because if she doesn’t tell Jesus now, while he’s here in front of her, she never will.  And the idea of him leaving and not knowing?  It just feels wrong.  A part of her, too, wants to see his reaction.  Will he be repulsed?  Angry?  Will he think their issues are too similar and not want to be friends anymore?  She has to give him the choice to leave her.  She doesn’t want him staying friends with her and not knowing this.

 Jesus doesn’t say anything right away.  He just turns and looks at her, sorrow in his eyes, but not pity.  He’s listening.  Waiting.  In case she wants to say more.

 Gracie lies across Pearl, panting in her face, and licking her cheek.  It’s never easy to disclose, but it’s so much better with her here, paying attention.

 “I’ve been wanting to tell you, but there’s just no good way to bring it up.  Especially since one night of being raped in the woods at gunpoint probably sounds...comparatively insignificant to you…”

 “I get that’s what you’re afraid I’ll think.  But first rule in Trauma Club?  We don’t rank it.  I know how scary it is.  And I’m so sorry it happened to you.”

 Pearl sniffs and blinks back tears.  She had steeled herself for so much less than the absolute compassion she is getting from Jesus.  Dismissal, she could take.  But kindness?  That would break her.

 “If you wanna say anymore about it, I’m listening.  But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to,” Jesus says softly.  He’s always so clear with her.  She appreciates it.  

 She’ll miss this.

 She keeps talking:

 “I used to work at the SuperOne as a teenager.  It was my first job, when I turned sixteen.  I’d been there about nine months, and I was leaving one night when one of the other employees - this older boy, about nineteen - asked if he could get a ride home from work.  Said he lived close by and had car trouble that morning.  He seemed nice enough, and we’d gone to school together, so I said, ‘Of course.  Get in.’  I was so naive.”

 Jesus listens, his eyes shining.

 “The minute we’re out of the parking lot, he pulls a gun on me.  Makes me drive to this remote area.  Woods.  Forces me out of the car and away from the road...and then just…” she shrugs.  “All night long.  With the gun on me.  When he was done, it was getting light out and he had me get on my knees and face away from him.  I knew he was gonna kill me.  So, I just started talking.  I asked if there was anywhere else he wanted to go.  Said I’d drive him there, no problem.”

 Jesus is still listening.  His eyes clear and locked on hers.

 “He paused.  It was this excruciatingly long pause where I knew the gun was cocked the entire time.  Finally, he said, ‘Take me into town.  I’m hungry.’  I dropped him off at Claire’s.  It’s a diner.  That fall, he left for college.  But he’s a legend around here…”

 “A legendary asshole,” Jesus all but spits the word.

 “No.  God, no.  Everybody loves him.  Every time I go into town, I get to hear how successful he is, while they pretend nothing happened to me.  And if they do believe it?  I have to deal with those people wanting to discuss it, in detail, whenever I see them…”

 “That sucks.”  It’s all Jesus says but it helps.  Because he understands.  He knows, better than most, that when what’s private becomes public, the public feels entitled to those moments.  Pearl can see Jesus is thinking something over in his mind.  Finally, he asks, “Wait.  So earlier this week?  Your mom blamed you for this?”

 Pearl swallows.  Nods.

 Jesus is quiet a minute, and Pearl thinks he might be seriously considering rescinding her role model status, but instead he surprises her.  “Do you remember the second time I came over?  I asked you if your mom ever acts like you’re dumb.  It’s because when I came back late from your house the night before, my mom was like ‘You know better than this,’ and kept talking about how I messed up and it was all my fault.”

 “It’s not our fault,” Pearl says, because someone has to.  “It’s not your fault. And I don’t blame you.  You didn’t know better.  He did.  As the adult.”

 Jesus swallows.  “So, I know I don’t have as much life experience as you, but I think I’m pretty much an expert at being sixteen.  And the one thing I can tell you for sure is that being sixteen doesn’t mean you’re an adult.  If that asshole was nineteen, he knew what he was doing and he was counting on you trusting him.  That’s on him.  Not on you.”

 “So, you don’t want to demote me?” Pearl jokes.

 “How?”

 She shrugs.  “I’m obviously not role model material.”

 “Yeah, you obviously are,” he challenges her seriously.  “Are you kidding me with this?  You living on your own out here like this?  You being open to helping me, even after everything that happened to you?  You just being who you are.  That’s totally everything I ever wanna do and be someday.  When I’m ready.  But I wouldn’t have ever known it was possible if not for you.  I didn’t know we could do this stuff as…I don’t know what the word is for us…”

 “Survivors,” Pearl fills in, raising her chin slightly.

 “Right.  I didn’t know we could do that...as survivors…”

 “We can do a lot,” she says simply.  “We can endure a lot.”

 “Thanks for trusting me with that,” Jesus says honestly.  “I know it’s hard for you to open up and I want you to know that I get how major this is for you.  To share this.  And I won’t tell anybody.  Your stuff is safe with me.”

 “I appreciate that.”

 --

 Jesus can’t really explain it.  He’s just had a gut feeling about Pearl.  He isn’t about to tell her, because that will sound like he doesn’t value her words.  Her story.  When he does.  There’s just been something so familiar in her all this time.  Something he connected to, even on that very first day.  That allowed him to be honest.  To feel safe with her.

 He grabs a pencil off the coffee table and a stack of Post Its.  On the top one, he finds himself writing dates.  The hardest ones:

 September 7

October 14

Fall and winter holidays

June 12

 He slides the note her way and meets her eyes.  It’s a crapshoot if she’ll get what he’s doing or not.  She never even watched the news enough to know when he went missing or came back.  But Pearl looks at him, and then studies the dates carefully and then begins putting them in her calendar on her phone.  With a little J on each.  She does this in a way that she can see everything.  No secrets.

 When she’s done, she takes the Post-Its from the table and, with a shaky hand, she writes:

 April 10-11

 Jesus takes out his phone and scrolls forward in his calendar three months.  He puts a P on both dates, so she can see it.  So he won’t forget.

 After that, they just sit.  Eventually, he notices he’s leaning on her, with his head on her shoulder.  Pearl’s head is resting on his, too.  They don’t talk.  They don’t need to.

 --

 “Thank you for everything you said to me about Isaac.  And for understanding about the food, and my getting out of control sometimes,” Jesus says eventually.

 “You’re welcome.  Listen to me, though.  Somebody should have told you that stuff about your friend.  A long time ago.  And people should understand about the food.  And that you can’t be in control every moment of every day.  You deserve those things.  You don’t need to be grateful to me for giving you things you deserve.”

 “It’s hard to always believe that’s true,” Jesus manages.

 “And I totally get that, but you don’t owe me anything.  That’s all I’m saying right now.  Friendship is equal.  You’ve helped me, too, at least as much as I’ve helped you.”

 “I’m really scared I’ll never see you again,” Jesus admits after the longest silence ever, where they’ve just been sitting with each other.  “Because, other than you, I hate it here, and you don’t like it anywhere but here…”

 “Hey, what is it your therapist is always saying?  Slow down, right?  Stay with me.  Right now, we’re together.  And the most important thing you need to know is that if you need me, I’ll be there for you.  No matter what.”

 “Anytime?”

 “Anytime,” Pearl echoes.  “But, for the record, being scared is totally valid.”

 “What if you’re having a hard time at the same time as me?” Jesus asks.

 “I still want the chance to be there for you,” she says, and her voice is getting thick.  She clears her throat.  “Seriously, I want to hear from you.  If I don’t get your call or Skype right away, know that I’ll call you back ASAP.  But I’m usually always here.  So, it’s guaranteed you won’t miss me for too long.”

 “I will, though,” Jesus insists sadly.  “Now that I know you, I have no idea how I made it without you.  It’s not something that happens every day, to have a friend who just gets you, like we get each other.  I’ll miss that.  I’ll miss being with you.”

 “I know.”

 “I wish we could stop time.”

 “I know.”

 The clock edges toward 9:50 PM, when Jesus will have to get ready to leave.  They’ll walk back to Frank’s together one more time.

 --

 Jesus has his coat and his backpack on early. His new scarf from Pearl.  They’re just standing there in her living room, looking at each other.  Jesus wants to memorize her face.  This place.  Her energy.  Her fearlessness.  He wants to absorb it and take it with him.

 He can’t look away.

 She has tears in her eyes.  So does he.

 Pearl surprises him, opening her arms for another hug, but not coming toward him.

 Slowly, he walks into her arms.  Leans into her.  Presses his lips to the shoulder of her coat.  He tries to breathe, but tears come instead.  It feels like his heart’s being ripped out.  It’s better than disappearing, though, because he wants to remember everything.  

 Jesus isn’t sure how long they stand there.  Every once in awhile, she asks, “Okay?” and he nods, or vice versa.  Neither of them ever lose sight of the fact that they both have had awful stuff happen to their bodies and that letting somebody close might go from feeling okay to feeling like a threat in no time flat.

 He can feel Pearl shaking with emotion.  She holds on tight, and so does he.  When they back away from each other, their eyes are locked on each other’s faces.

 “Glad we didn’t wait ‘til now for that selfie,” he says, trying to lighten the mood.

 It works.  Pearl laughs.  She has a great laugh.  It explodes out of her.  Unexpected.  “I know, right?  How hideous do I look?”

 Jesus just stands there, holding her gaze and shakes his head.  No way he’s gonna reaffirm any of that negative stuff she’s probably heard before.  “Not at all.”

 “We should get going,” she says regretfully.  “But I want you to know, while I can still see your face, that I care about you very much.  And I respect you, and I value you.”

 Jesus swallows the huge ass lump that’s blocking his throat.  “And you…” he manages, “are family to me.”

 --

 They walk across the snow together, neither one talking.

 Tears freeze in place.

 Fingers interlaced.

 One last knock and a light receding.

 They’re alone - but not alone.

 Not now.

 Not ever again.

#fic: blink #fosters fic

[likegston-blog]

 shows  up  10  years  late w/  an  intro/info  post .     as  we  all  well  know  from  the  ooc  blog :  i’m  cosbo !     i  still  play  pokemon  go ,  i  create  things  you  never  asked  for  in  photoshop ,  i’ve  been  in  love  with  gaston  since  the  age  of  four ,  &  i  don’t  think  i’ve  ever  once  gotten  enough  sleep  in  my  life .     under  the  cut  i’ll  give  you  a  rundown  on  your  favorite  self  absorbed  french  asshole  &  how  i’m  playing  him  +  an  important  note  regarding  my  activity  in  the  upcoming  weeks !

MY  WHAT  A  GUY ,  THAT  GASTON !

 if  you’ve  heard  the  catchy  song  you  probably  know  that  no  one  does  literally  anything  quite  like  gaston .     &  true  enough  gaston  is  talented  plus  he’s  probably  one  of  the  most  handsome  people  you  will  ever  meet  but  the  downside  to  that  fact  is  he  is  fully  aware  of  it .     gaston  thinks  he  shits  gold  probably .     he  shows  up  to  birthday  parties  with  no  present  &  say  his  presence  alone  is  a  present .    he’s  the  king  of  entitled  white  boys .     &  unfortunately  he’s  not  quite  familiar  with  the  word  NO .     if  he  thinks  your  pretty ,  he  may  lay  some  moves  on  you  &  if  you  try  to  turn  him  down  honestly  he’ll  just  be  more  interested  just  ask  belle .     this  mainly  goes  for  just  girls  but  am  i  gonna  sit  here  &  say  he  can’t  appreciate  a  pretty  man ?     you  bet  your  sweet  ass  i’m  not .     no  one’s  bi  like  gaston !     however ,  he  does  come  from  a  time  where  any  form  of  non  heterosexuality  was  highly  frowned  upon  so  …  he’s  coming  to  terms  w/  that  one .     it’s  fine  he’ll  get  there .

 GASTON’S  PAST :     we  don’t  know  much  about  gaston’s  past  other  than  he  did  fight  in  a  war  ( given  the  timeline  of  beauty  &  the  beast  being  mid  18th  century  there’s  a  few  possibilities  in  which  war  he  fought  in  but  we’re  gonna  say  it  was  either  the  war  of  austrian  succession (1740 - 1748)  or  it  was  the  seven  years  war (1754 - 1763) )   &  he  became  a  war  hero  &  an  army  captain .     it  was  also  stated  by  luke  evans  in  an  interview  that  gaston’s  celebrity  status  in  the  little  village  of  villeneuve  comes  from  the  fact  he  protected  the  village  from  a  pack  of  portuguese  marauders  in  1740  when  he  was  just  16 .     in  the  book  it  also  states  that  this  war  he  fought  in  &  became  a  hero  in  was  12  years  prior  to  the  story .     what  baffles  me  the  most  abt  that  is  he  still  wears  his  uniform .   who  has  clothes  that  still  fit  &  look  pristine  for  12  years ????     anyway .     speaking  of  his  uniform  an  interesting  thing  to  note  is  that  gaston’s  war  uniform  is  bright  red .     in  the  18th  century  ...  the  french  army  wore  blue .     the  red  coats  were  the  british  so  ...  from  that  we  can  assume  gaston  fought  with  the  british  army  which  i’ll  have  more  on  that  deal  in  the  family  section  of  the  intro  post  but  what  i  wanna  talk  about  here  is  on  one  hand  we  can  believe  gaston  was  a  british  war  hero  who  had  ties  to  france  that  had  him  live  there .     on  the  other ,  &  i  think  this  better  fits  gaston’s  horrid  personality ,  gaston  could  be  a  deserter  from  the  british  army  who  stabbed  the  british  in  the  back ,  turning  on  them  &  becoming  a   war  hero  for  france .     he  is  fond  of  stabbing  backs  it  seems  like  him .   now !     moving  on !     gaston  does  have  ptsd  from  the  war  ,  even  luke  said  this  in  an  interview ,  though  he  keeps  it  under  wraps  by  feeding  off  the  praise  he  gets ,  making  himself  feel  useful  &  wanted  rather  than  focusing  on  how  empty  his  life’s  been  since  the  war ,  &  burying  it  under  his  inflated  ego .     underneath  that ,  however ?     yeah ,  he’s  pretty  broken ,  jaded ,  &  when  he  doesn’t  get  what  he  wants  his  anger  comes  forth  in  a  very  militaristic  fashion  that  seeks  to  destroy  anything  in  his  path  to  what  he  wants  due  to  the  fact  that  part  of  him  is  still  seeking  to  return  to  the  war .     not  even  tweleve  whole  years  have  shaken  the  battle  out  of  gaston  &  his  mind  since  it  just  hasn’t  been  able  to  settle  back .      some  part  of  him  has  wired  itself  to  live  on  the  adrenaline  &  action  of  the  war  &  his  frustration  with  his  inability  to  settle  back  into  a  peaceful  life  has  made  him  crave  the  war .     he  seeks  for  the  thrill ,  the  high ,  of  war  similiar  situations  &  while  most  once  shook  their  head  at  this  they  would  come  to  find  out  that  his  war  hungry  half  can  be  something  more  far  more  dangerous  when  his  anger  is  tested  along  with  it .     it’s  times  like  that  when  gaston  hardly  realizes  he’s  partly  acting  on  his  frustration  &  anger  with  mundane  life  &  subconscious  need  for  the  chaos  of  war .

 GASTON’S  FAMILY :     we  know  nothing  of  gaston’s  parents  …  but  one  can  assume  he’s  probably  from  a  well  off  family  &  he’s  most  definitely  an  only  child .     one  headcanon  i  do  have  is  that  while  gaston’s  mother  was  french ,  his  father ,  though  of  french  decent  hence  the  surname  legume ,  was  from  england .     in  the  2017  film ,  lefou  says  ‘je  ne  sais  quoi ?’   &  gaston  responds  that  he  doesn’t  know  what  that  means .     pretty  sad  for  a  french  guy ,  yeah ?     they  way  i  headcanon  it  is  that  gaston  was  born  in  england  &  his  family  moved  to  france  with  but  his  mother  soon  left  he  &  his  father  when  gaston  was  still  very  young .     so  gaston’s  british ,  technically .     he  &  his  father  simply  didn’t  move  after  his  mother  left ,  it  was  too  much  a  hassle ,  &  gaston’s  father  spoke  most  only  english  &  also  sought  gaston  out  an  english  tutor .     from  living  in  france ,  yes ,  gaston  has  indeed  picked  up  some  french  but  he’s  actually  not  fluent .     he  knows  a  good  amount  of  basic  conversation  &  could  hold  a  decent  one  &  then  he  also  knows  military  commands  but  that’s  about  it .     through  most  his  life ,  when  having  trouble  with  the  languge  be  that  trouble  speaking  it  or  listening  to  it ,  he  would  often  turn  to  lefou  to  translate .     anyhow ,  back  on  topic ,  much  of  gaston’s  personality  comes  from  his  extreme  need  for  attention  as  a  child  &  his  father’s  spoiling  of  him  in  addition  to  his  father’s  insanely  sexist  view  on  masculinity  which  he  inherited .

 GASTON  IN  THE  ENCHANTED  FOREST :     we  all  know  how  beauty  &  the  beast  ends  for  gaston .     he  does  a  cheep  shot  at  the  beast  from  behind  then ,  afterwards ,  the  structure  he  was  standing  on  crumbles  &  he  falls  to  his  death .     well ,  the  last  thing  gaston  remembers  is  falling .     that  is  the  point  of  beauty  &  the  beast  that  i’ve  taken  him  from .     that  being  said ,  this  mean’s  gaston’s  anger  &  deranged  violent  nature  is  at  critical  level .     tick  him  off ?     you’re  getting  hit .     he’s  extremely  angry  at  belle … yet  still  wants  to  marry  her  because  now  it’s  just  a  matter  of  pride  kinda  thing .     if  you  bring  up   the  beast  or  just  anything  about  his  story ,  probably ,  he  will  snap  a  bit .

 MISCELLANEOUS HEADCANONS :

 yes ,  gaston  can  read !    unlike  his  cartoon  counterpart  who  only  likes  picture  books .     now ,  he  doesn’t  read  any  of  the  books  they  have  in  the  village ,  of  course ,  as  they’re  all  in  french   ( save  for  romeo  &  juliet  as  it’s  by  an  english  playwright  but  gaston  would  not  subject  himself  to  reading  gooey  romance  shakespear  when  things  such  as  hamlet  &  macbeth  exist )   &  he’s  even  less  terrific  at  reading  french  than  he  is  at  speaking  it .     mostly  he  reads  only  from  his  father’s  small  collection  of  books  which  he  grew  up  with  &  has  now  inherited .     his  favorite  is  actually  macbeth ,  seeing  as  he  quotes  it  in  the  mob  song .

he  really  loves  breakfast  food  you  guys .     does  he  really  eat  5  dozen  eggs  a  day ?     may  have  been  an  exaggeration .     but !     he  does  eat  a  good  heap  of  eggs  every  morning  &  it’s  at  least  slightly  concerning .

 most  of  the  time  he  will  only  do  things  that  somehow  benefit  him .     this  is  how  he  is  &  if  he  doesn’t  see  gain  in  his  end  in  whatever  you’re  asking  him  to  do  he’ll  most  likely  turn  it  down .

 if  doing  something  will  get  him  adoring  fans  he’ll  do  it  &  he  won’t  let  anyone  else  help .     he  lives  for  praise .     oh  there’s  a  child  in  a  burning  building ?     you’re  going  to  save  it ?     not  anymore  he’ll  tie  you  to  a  tree  so  that  he  can  do  it  &  get  the  glory .     he’s  a  very  bad  team  player  for  sure .

 WANTED  CONNECTIONS :    i.  LEFOU .   connection  taken !    gaston  abanoned  lefou ,  who  only  spent  his  days  adoring  gaston  &  being  in  literal  love  w/  him ,  to  die  after  using  him  as  a  human  sheild  &  letting  him  crushed  by  candenza .    as  horrible  as  gaston  was  to  lefou  in  the  end  he  does  know  that  lefou  is  his  biggest  fan  &  before  his  jealousy  &  anger  took  him  over  he  was  genuinely  friends  with  lefou .     lefou  has  been  his  friend  since  he  was  young  &  fought  in  the  war  beside  him .     guaranteed  to  anyone  who  brings  me  a  lefou :  heartbreaking  plots ,  many  tears ,  my  constant  bothering  of  you ,  sad  headcanons ,  MY ETERNAL LOVE!!!!! ,  any  gif  icons  or  static  icons  of  lefou  you  may  need  i  will  make  them  for  you ,  &  more !     a  josh  gad  fc  would  be  preferred  but  ik  he  doesn’t  have  the  most  abundant  of  resources  so  if  you  have  someone  else  in  mind  that’s  fine  but  like  just  hmu  first  if  you’re  using  someone  else .     i  seriously  will  make  you  static  &  gif  icons  if  you  use  josh ,  though ,  like  i  will  make  resources  for  you .     LISTEN  I’D  JUST  LOVE  A  LEFOU  SO  MUCH ! 

+  COSBO’S  ACTIVITY  NOTE  6/3 !

 i’m  moving  in  two  weeks !     yeah ,  i  joined  a  rpg  at  not  the  best  time  but  it’s  fine .     see ,  you  may  notice  that  on  my  app  i  say  i’m  in  pacific  time !     well ,  i’m  actually  currently  in  central  standard  time  at  the  current  moment .     but  i’m  going  to  be  moving  literally  across  the  country  to  california !     i  put  pacific  time  on  my  app  though  because  i  thought  it  pointless  to  put  the  timezone  of  somewhere  i’m  not  even  gonna  be  for  much  longer .     this  means  i  will  be  packing ,  routing  my  trip ,  trying  to  get  a  new  job ,  working  at  my  two  current  jobs ,  &  spending  time  with  friends  before  i  leave  all  in  the  upcoming  two  weeks !     i’m  very  busy  but  i  will  try  to  get  on  here  as  much  as  i  possibly  can .     if  worse  comes  to  worse  then  i  will  request  a  semi  hiatus  until  i’m  successfully  across  the  country !

***UPDATE :   I’VE  MOVED  SO  NO  WORRIES  ABT  THIS  NOW  LMAO

#enchanted:intro #* 𝓖. ━━━ LISTEN UP FIVES A TEN IS SPEAKING ⋅ psa #* 𝓖. ━━━ NO ONE TALKS OOC LIKE GASTON ⋅ ooc #intro post #i gotta make one of these for lum.ier.e #for now i must go to Bed tho so his will be done Tomorroe