#if you wanted a happy little family you shouldnt have gotten rid of him in the first place

[28onlythebrave]

jace herondale was only 16 when he said/wrote:

“But I kept getting pulled back here. I couldn’t stop walking, couldn’t stop thinking. About the first time I ever saw you, and how after that I couldn’t forget you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t stop myself. I forced Hodge to let me be the one who came to find you and bring you back to the Institute. And even back then, in that stupid coffee shop, when I saw you sitting on that couch with Simon, even then that felt wrong to me—I should have been the one sitting with you. The one who made you laugh like that. I couldn’t get rid of that feeling. That it should have been me. And the more I knew you, the more I felt it—it had never been like that for me before. I’d always wanted a girl and then gotten to know her and not wanted her anymore, but with you the feeling just got stronger and stronger until that night when you showed up at Renwick’s and I knew.”

“And then to find out that the reason I felt like that—like you were some part of me I’d lost and never even knew I was missing until I saw you again—that the reason was that you were my sister, it felt like some sort of cosmic joke. Like God was spitting on me. I don’t even know for what—for thinking that I could actually get to have you, that I would deserve something like that, to be that happy. I couldn’t imagine what it was I’d done that I was being punished for.”

“And I’m supposed to sit by while you date boys, fall in love with someone else, get married…?” “And meanwhile, I’ll die a little bit more every day, watching.”

“There is no pretending,” “I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there’s a life after that, I’ll love you then.”

Clary, Despite everything, I can't bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more then I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though i have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other. Im leaving you our family ring because you have as much right to it as i do. I'm writing this watching the sun come up. You're asleep, dreams moving behind your restless eyelids. I wish i knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. But maybe I dont want to see that. Maybe It would make me feel even more than I already do that I'm perpetuating some kind of Great Lie on you, and I couldnt stand that. I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and i would let you. You could ask anything of me and I'd break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling i have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you cant have and wanting what you shouldnt want. and I shouldnt want you. All night I've watched you sleeping, watched the moonlight come and go, casting it's shadows across your face in black and white. I've never seen anything more beautiful. I think of the life we could have had if things were different, a life where this night is not a singular event, separate from everything else that's real, but every night. But things aren't different, and I cant look at you without feeling like ive tricked you into loving me. The truth no one is willing to say out loud is that no one has a shot against Valentine but me. I can get close to him like no one else can. I can pretend I want to join him and he'll believe me, up until that last moment where I end it all, one way or another. I have something of Sebastians; I can track him to where my fathers hiding, and thats what im going to do. So I lied to you last night. I said I just wanted one night with you. But i want every night with you. And thats why I have to slip out of your window now, like a coward. Because if I had to tell you this to your face, I couldnt make myself go. I dont blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. As long as I can stil dream, I will dream of you. — Jace

#tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #tmi #shadowhunters #the mortal instruments #jace herondale #clary fairchild #clace #clary x jace #city of glass #cog

[morphineabusee]

personal

well what a horrible 2 months of my life its been for me. Tomorrow i have a meeting with the general manager of my work to talk about im assuming getting back to work which is what i need because im slowly going insane staying in the house 24/7 its done nothing good for me being off sick from work all ive done is stop caring for myself as in not showering for weeks on end brushing my teeth washing my face I've stopped eating properly and now when i try and eat i sick it all back up my anxiety has gotten so bad due to me barely going out so when i actually do decided to go out i get extremely bad anxiety I've  become a horrible person with everything in my personal life which has gone off. so me and my mum bought a very expensive dog on impulse because our only dog we ever had died nearly a year ago and we missed having a dog in the house little did we know this dog was going to ruin our life and split up our whole family. My mum came home from work one day and he was in his cage and he wet his bad she was tired and mad and said she had enough of having this dog because i wasn't looking after him properly and we couldn't cope with him anymore because hes a baby and he needs 24.7 around the clock attention you cant leave him for a second because at 4 months old he is still not house trained so he thinks its acceptable to do his business in the house so you cant just leave him in the room out of fear hes going to do something hes not one of those dogs you can just sit on the sette with because he wants your attention all the time and wants you to play with him 24/7 and hes exhausting and difficult to look after since he wakes us all up at 4 every morning and you have to stay with him from 4-11 at night so you might understand why we are all psychically exhausted and wanted to get rid of him so my mum made a phone call t my cousin who knew some people who wanted a dog we was adamant on selling him so my cousin contacted her friend that wanted a dog and she was about to come round when me and my mum decided we wanted to keep him bad idea which didn't go down well with my cousin because it basically caused an extremely bad family argument my cousin wanted nothing to do wth my mum because of how she had treated her and how she messed about her friend with our dog and no one was really talking to my mum in my family because of what she had done to this family and she was crying every night she was saying she was going to kill herself and it was a lot because i had her putting her constant problems on my shoulders when i have my own problems its a lot to deal with slowly they all started talking to my mum again and she apologised to everyone and all was fine my dad claims my mum and dad have had problems for years and he told me that he doesn't love my mum the same anymore and that she's told so many lies over the years he doesn't know what t do anymore my mum was taking advantage of my money and has drained my dad for years and i was getting pulled into the middle of the marriage problems and obviously thats extremely upsetting for me because at the moment i basically live in a broken home my dad is in a constant bad mood with my mum and most the time hes really off with her and doesn't want to speak to her they argue pretty much all the time and then obviously it upsets my mum so she starts crying again all of these things that have been going on since i went off work have slowly made me feel worse than i already was feeling and everything is really getting to me now and i dont know how to deal or cope with anything i dont really want to go back to work because of everything that happened there and its just some dead end retail job anyway that doesn't pay enough and doesn't fullfil my happiness anymore i really want to become a makeup artist but evrryone is telling me that its an unrealistic job because its some competitive but it would make me extremely happy to go off to makeup school to study something i love rather than do an apprenticeship in something that doesnt really fuss me and i eventually wont be interested in anymore and then ill start to hate my job and not want to go to work. i cant remeber everything thats gone on in the past 2 months in complete detail but thats basically an over view to clear my head i just hope i can get back to work and start saving up some money i dont want to be working therefore ever because its not something i want to do for the rest of my life i just want to stay there to pay off my tattoos and stuff i feel like once i convince my boyfriend that ill be happier going to make up school ill be happy because i really care about his opinion and i cant go out and do something if he hasnt approved of it because then ive disappointed him and he’ll basically say i told you so which is annoying because i basically feel like i cant do anything without my boyfriend being extremely judgemental about it for example i cant go out and buy the clothes i want because he wont like them i feel like i have to get approval of every tattoo idea i want on my body for it to be good enough i cant do anything to my hair without telling him first i guess i shouldnt almost let someone control me like that but i do because hes made me care so much about what he thinks