#if you were talking about a specific tiktok i may not be able to help with that one

[whitedemon-ladydeath]

SJM + Eugenics + Ableism in her Writing

thinking about how insidious eugenics can come up in writing- specifically SJMs writing. Personally I take a lot with a grain of salt bec I don't think a lot of ppl realize how fucking deeply entrenched and rooted it is in everything and more often than not its not intentional

and to an extent I don't think it was intentional by SJM. she does have a degree of plausible deniability in her story telling

however that being said:

the Cauldron "pairing mates" has allusions to being a breeding program of some kind of supernatural predestined idiocy. Sam + Melissa on Tiktok have some pretty great videos on it

However, while they think that SJM is providing commentary on the matter, I do have a different view, not that I really disagree with what they're saying

SJM has a track record of using disabilities as an aesthetic for her characters. It's often a point of suffering and/or there ends up being a magical fix (yay fantasy eugenics providing miracle cures!!! /sarcasm)

Chaol, severely injured with a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed goes to the super special healing place to have the world's bestest healers where the magical healing trope + black girl magic collide. He spends the whole book, a duration of only six months, regaining the ability to walk, with a cane most days. Chaol spends a large part of the book feeling sorry for himself and immasculting himself. Yerene, a professional trained healer who helps him with PT snaps at him in frustration to "just get up" when he's being difficult with her Note: some of these detailed may be incorrectly remembered + I never finished the book bec I can't stand him

Lucien: he gets his eye ripped out and is literally blinded but now he has a magical eye that is even better and can sense magic and spells and all that good shit

Rhys: chronic pain; never addressed

Azriel: scarred hands and wings, but so far we've seen no real struggle or accommodation of any kind or even a real discussion on how he had to learn how to fly at an older age due to his captivity and scarred wings

Cassian: his wings were beyond shredded but between books they got fixed up right as rain. it would have been fantastic rep for this decorated veteran and leader to be disabled, esp for a culture of warriors where flying is so crucial + where thr women are also forceably mutilated and can't fly either

speaking of the illyrian women

the Illyrian Women: not being able to fly and use their limbs is a disability. We have seen zero repercussions of Emeries father (and brother(?)) for disabling and mutilating his daughter

the mental health crisis of NESTA for ONE. in both the Fandom and in the series the grating toxic positivity and lack of patience and understanding and support and willingness to meet her halfway enraged me holy shit. The tone policing, the lack of autonomy, the unaddressed childhood trauma that has made Nesta the core of who she was. it was vile and disgusting

Aelin: quite frankly should have difficulty moving as fluidly as she does. she was whipped to ribbons and beaten bloody. Her back should be full of chronic pain and difficulty

Elide: as far as I'm aware Elide isn't too bad and she's incredibly intelligent and resourceful but it's been a hot minute since I've read the series. I do remember when they talked about it at the end about possibilities to heal her ankle (they couldn't)

I haven't read CC yet but I heard that LIMBS CAN GROW BACK???? sure let's just completely erase and magically fix imputations I guess?

I find it a lit harder to forgive "accidental eugenics" when her disabled characters disabilities are either made into Aesthetics, not properly addressed, or just healed all together

and when you pair magical eugenics + aesthetics:

You get Rhysand, the most powerful high lord of ever that you just have to keep being told is the most powerful high lord ever due to his parents being mates that his father whisked away from moments before she became mutilated like all the other Illyrian Women at 18 years old to a 900 year old man

you get his entire IC who is made of The Night Courts super special powerful clique who now happen to be the most powerful illyrian EVERRRR (Cassian + Azriel), Amren who was some trapped angel of death or something and Mor who is just so super powerful a mountain quaked or something when she was born

the entire IC is a concentrated powerhouse who also uses a specific mindset of "might is right"-

-and have forced others hands across the entire series or just outright lied and stole. also trespassing and routinely breaking laws but hey

Rowan, Aelin, Aedion, Dorian, Manon are all ToG Powerhouses. Rowan is described as the "most powerful full blooded fae male alive". there's an implication that human blood "weakens" fae traits and magical abilities [this is rather common in a lot of fantasy books]

every single character in this series is seen as some sort of extraordinary person with some sort of extraordinary power or ability aside from maybe a few. Hell Chaol, the only fully human character with no powers is the "Captian of the Guard" which he got bec he's a nepo baby from being Dorians friend. He gets disabled and they immediately go to get him fixed

tagging: @feynessupremacy @bookishfeylin @andramoreaux

I thought yall would appreciate

#prev. wolfgeneralashryver #sjm critical #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #throne of glass #tog #ableism #eugenics in acotar #eugenics in tog #eugenics #my posts get good traction yall cowards better interact with these posts. i see yall scrolling whenever i talk about this

[genderqueerdykes]

Being Plural IRL: Telling People, Living Your Lives, & Other Tips.

View On WordPress.

We have been living as a system for 10 years now, and it's one of the first things new people notice about us when meeting us. We've had people tell us they could 'just tell' we were plural before we had ever brought it up. For years we kept it a secret, acting as though other people wouldn't notice, or would always have a bad reaction, but sometime ago, sometimes all it takes is providing that person with exposure to plurality that helps them understand that it is a real phenomenon.

There will always be people who don't believe in plurality, and people who believe only those with disordered plurality can be plural. This is a constant, but there's also a wide variety of people in between with a mixture of reactions, most of which involve acceptance. Even if someone doesn't understand the concept, I've found it's more common that someone will play along and try to grasp on to it as you give them more information.

If someone doesn't have an IRL reference, it can be hard for them to digest that something is real. I think people think that even systems on YouTube, TikTok, twitter, and so on are faking because there's a level of disconnect, not because they 100% genuinely believe that plurality is false. I really think it is the disconnect from the experience that causes most people to have such repulsion and negative opinions.

Stay casual, avoid using medical terms & overly clinical definitions and terms your first few conversations when bringing up plurality to someone who doesn't know anything about it. The best way I've found to bring it up to people in a way that helps them believe what you are saying, is to be casual, but informative, and say something to the effect of "Oh, I look and sound different today because you are talking to a different person who lives in this body. There are others in here and this will happen sometimes, nice to meet you," or "You met [headmate] last time, I'm [name], several people live in this body." Something like that. Confidence is key, the more assertive you are with your language, the more it becomes apparent you are serious.

Avoid dumping on people with very specific and in depth system terms (protector, host, little, switching, co-fronting, etc.) right away, and it's especially best if you don't go into origin labels or "types" of systems unless that person specifically asks what you think caused your system, or what causes some people to be plural. Unless someone asks, the origin story really isn't worth it and I've found that adds a layer of confusion for some singlets, because they weren't thinking super hard about it to begin with, but now the concept has become way more complicated and confusing.

Honestly the best way to approach it naturally is to just mention the names, pronouns, identities, accents, voices, and styles of dress of any headmates they may commonly see. Give them indicators as to who they can potentially look out for. It's alright if you are plural and don't know your system very well, you can tell people you're still getting to know them, or that you personally struggle with communicating with the others, but they will get to meet them. You don't have to make it super complicated and you don't have to come up with information if you don't have any. If people ask how many of you there are and you don't know, it's okay to say you don't know. We personally don't find that question helpful and try to avoid answering it because we literally just don't know.

Be patient with people who are just finding out about plurality, they are not going to know how to keep up with switches right away, especially if your system is quite large. They will get confused, not notice switches, not be able to identify folks at first and that's okay. Especially if you are a covert system it can be hard at times, be patient and willing to work with people, especially if you are literally the first plural person they have ever met.

Living your own lives can be tricky- it can require a little extra income at times to do certain things, such as expanding your wardrobe to include outfits and accessories for others, but it doesn't have to get outlandish. Many headmates in a system find they have different styles of dress and fashion. That is a perfect way to get people to be able to recognize who is out is to allow that system member to dress in a way that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and like themselves. You don' thave to buy entire new outfits if you are very poor, you can often times make accessories or have small indicators like pins or bracelets that help show who is out.

Having different places that you frequent for different headmates helps a lot. Introducing yourself as different people in different places can often times be a good way to test how you feel about your own plurality, as well as a really cool way to feel more accepted and like yourselves. These two places can be completely unrelated, so these people who know you by another name may never know your host's or body's name, and may never know otherwise. It's a very cool way to get yourself used to introducing yourselves as different people.

Having different social groups, groups of friends, social media pages, chat groups/servers, etc. who know you by your different headmates' names can also help a lot as well. Sometimes, system members want their own friends independent of the rest of the system. Sometimes, a headmate needs to be themselves and feel like they are a person in control of a body for some time. It's okay to foster an environment where everyone can feel like an individual. You can use apps like Simply Plural to help organize your system, and you can create different pages on social media sites, different tumblr blogs, pinterest pages, join different Discord servers, Facebook groups, and so on.

Allowing different headmates to engage in different hobbies, if they have differing hobbies, is also very crucial. Even one small activity like allowing one system member to journal for a bit a day, or letting someone work out at the gym, or watch movies, or whatever it may be can help someone feel a lot more like themselves. Even if the rest of your system doesn't care for it, if you can allow that one person to do it for a bit, it can help tremendously.

Doing activities with each other when possible is also very crucial. Watching shows, playing games, eating, going on walks, and even dates together can be very healthy activities that can help your system grow, flourish, and understand who they are. You are absolutely allowed to socialize with your other selves and use that as an opportunity to find out what makes each of you yourselves, if that is something you are capable of doing, or, would like to work toward. Acknowledgement from another system member goes a long way, and socializing with one another helps strengthen your internal views of one another.

Learning your different system members' favorite foods, perfumes, scents, toys, games, etc. and surprising them with little gifts, and letting others know that they enjoy being surprised with small things (like sweets for example) can also help. Positive triggers are a big part of the experience- triggers do not have to be negative all the time, they can be positive and even neutral. Discovering what things trigger you to front can be beneficial, as you can learn how to pull people out when needed or just wanted, especially if that person has expressed desire about fronting for long periods of time, but struggles to do so.

Not every single person in your system has to have a different voice, style of dress or presentation, or "feel" completely different. It's okay if you all have to introduce yourselves. It's okay if you have to remind people who's fronting. Many systems have members that look and sound very similar, and may even be very similar if not versions of the same person. That's alright, too. You still deserve to be acknowledged for being separate people.

I hope this helps some folks approach the concept of telling IRL strangers and friends that you are plural. It's frightening at first but I've found that if you keep it simple and express it in a way that's natural for you, instead of trying to adhere to a dictionary definition, you will find some more success. Of course, if someone reacts negatively, there's a chance you may not be able to get them to see your way, but it's better to figure that out for sure. That doesn't mean you have to stop living as a plural.

Johnny

#our writing #wordpress #plurality #plural #pluralgang #plural gang #plural system #system stuff #long post

[itainteasy-beinchzzy]

Five Steps to DCP

Recently I was accepted into the Disney College Program. Disney runs this internship program to give college students a chance to work at Walt Disney World and see a glimpse of what keeps Disney’s gears turning. Getting accepted to this program is quite challenging. There are several hoops to jump through before you can get into the program. I have compiled a quick five-step guide as an overview for getting into the program.

Before I start, I would like to give some context on what the Disney College program is and some of the specs. The program allows curious individuals who want to help create and contribute to the magic of Disney. College program participants will be placed in housing right outside the gates of Disney and will work full-time on property. Program participants can work in a variety of jobs ranging from custodial to being a character performer all while having the chance to network and connect with Cast Members in all fields.

Step 1: Research- Before applying to the Disney College Program there is a lot you need to know. The Walt Disney Company has a lot of its own lingo and procedures that are unique. If you were to apply to the program with no prior knowledge you may become very confused. One of the things I learned in my research was that there are no “jobs” at Disney! Everything is instead referred to as a “role” that Cast Members (employees) perform. Besides researching the company, it is important to research the program itself to be sure it is the right fit for you. There are many aspects of the DCP life I was unaware of before I started looking into participating myself.

Step 2: Planning- Participating in the Disney College Program is a huge commitment. In order to participate you have to move into the Disney housing and pay an acceptance fee. Potential participants need to be ready to put their lives and education on hold for a semester. Participants work full time while they are with Disney so many are unable to do school at the same time. Some folks are able to do a few online courses, but it depends on what your college offers. These are all factors that must be accounted for when you decide to do the college program.

Step 3: Connecting- Some of the most important tips I got for getting into the Disney College Program were from current cast members and program participants. I found it extremely helpful to hear first-hand what the interview and onboarding processes were like. Social media made it easy to find people to talk to. There are DCP pages on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and Reddit full of cast members so I was able to ask questions. Any questions you may have about the program, or the interview can be very easily answered. Part of being a cast member is being friendly and approachable so don’t be afraid to reach out to current cast.  

Step 4: Applying- Applying to the DCP is super exciting but also super stressful. College students from all over the world are applying for the same position as you and spots are very limited. In order to better my chances of getting an early interview, I sent in my application the day the form opened. The official Disney College Program social media accounts post updates as to when applications will be opening. I recommend following them to stay up to date. It is important to have your papers and resume organized before applications open. If applications fill up too quickly, they may close early, so it is important to be diligent.

Step 5: Interviewing- The interview is the most nerve-wracking part of the process. It takes place over the phone so you must convey your enthusiasm and charisma audibly. The Disney recruitment team is looking for a very specific type of person. It is important to smile through the whole interview and to be open to chatting. Some advice I received before my interview is that Disney is a storytelling company. If you want to stand out during your interview, share personal stories of how Disney has positively impacted you. The more personal connections you are able to make with your recruiter, the better. The most important thing is confidence. Carry yourself like a current cast member would so you can make the best impression possible.

            These are just a few things that I learned on my journey to getting into the Disney College Program. The five steps I have laid out are the broad strokes of what you need to know but it is important to find the answers to any specific questions you may have regarding the DCP. There is a lot of information out there, but this is a great place to start.

#disney #disney college program #dcp

[congregamus]

REALIZATION

My biggest moment of self-division is the actual-virtual bi-locality. Most practically put, that means that I’m ambivalent about social media, both repulsed by and obsessed with it. 

Even more telescoped out from this is the either-or necessity of durational experience. To be is to choose.

One makes so many choices (unconsciously) that it is not appropriate to say, even if one were to try to forgo Choice™, that one may exist without choosing. It is purely conjectural, but it is also plain sense that one makes choices* about the totality of one’s experience as far back as one cares to take the thread.How deep does the metaphorical “Covenant” go?†

Upon further reflection, the question leads me to the imperativeness of non-duality as a state of being that needs to be practiced and realized if we wish to help each other out of what seems to be an escalating disaster which is global, but also very specifically in the United States, and also very specifically everywhere therein, including my own neighborhood. [My experience is not everyone’s experience. But my experience is my whole world, and so I interpret it thusly, which is, I assure you!, a delicate integration indeed.]

I think there is something to be said for “reading” the world like you read a poem.+ If for no other reason than that in the same way that a poem refuses to collapse into one meaning, so our lives speak to us, refusing a single interpretation. In one canto (“era” for the young gurls who don’t read anything but each other), an event or image can seem surreal, while at different parts of the poem, it can seem mundane, or even profane. 

RE: Big Ideas in my poem. 

I failed in my attempt to connect to my father spiritually. We do not, after all, worship the same [...], I fear; though, during my monasticism, I was able, in my fervor of vocation, to bridge some gap, by “faith” (the only language we speak in common). We interpret salvation, insomuch as I will even agree to engage with that metaphor, in such different ways, and consequently, we have such different worlds. The salvific idea is to him his whole world. It is an idea within my world. But somehow those worlds are, at the final, I regret to admit, incompatible.

I could pour out a volume of text about my Mother and say nothing. On the other hand, she wrote her own autobiography (by all accounts, a dependable witness), and it is a charming read. She glosses over our difficulties during my youth. In the same way, they are currently glossing over the cause of my sister’s death§. 

To be, or not to be, on the Internet? I suppose that’s the question of this very online (it must be noted) meditation. If I were better at The Internet™ I would title this post that question. But I don’t feel I’m terribly good at the Internet, obviously. There’s something in here about ambivalence and seduction. I imagine that’s problematic discourse, but I honestly don’t know. I know that to be on The Internet™ is to get feedback, and I have open wounds re: rejection, so I can’t just throw myself to the wolves.

Anyway, I don’t have any intention of posting anything on TikTok, and I’m sorry to be so ambivalent in my postings here, which is my spiritual home. I am, obviously, ambivalent about the idea of “home” in general. We have not, historically, gotten along well as a person-concept relationship. I will try to do better with your patience and God’s help.

 ___________

FOOTNOTES

* This is not to say that we actively participate in our own oppression, though we sometimes do that, too. The agreements are sometimes of direst necessity; but we do agree to exist with others—however tenuously—if we are aware of this post.

† This is nothing but the mystical theology of Paul of Tarsus, differently worded. Paul expresses the collective body in terms of spirituality, but the metaphor holds across multiple levels of concert, both extremely concrete— even vital—to the hypothetical-abstract. But really, here I’m just talking about what we perceive as a personal body. I do wonder what we find at the level of organ systems, etc. Which is to beg the question of the possibility that the state of being a Subject renders one ironically a Tyrant of the system, insomuch as the Subject-Tyrant is not attentive to its constituents. 

+ But I’m not exactly the model of emotional or mental stability. As always around here, caveat lector.

§ Alcoholism in co-morbidity with lupus and severe mental health issues. I do not share her lupus diagnosis, but it must be admitted that I am in some danger, as I continue to use substances as often as I may so long as it doesn’t interfere with my professional capacities. My mental health is spicy. People joke, but I think that’s a great description in lieu of a diagnosis, which I cannot, at this time, afford, and which I do not, for good or ill, at this time, require.

Rest in peace, AutumnZephyr (née Toni Lynette). Rise in glory, and call forth your New Name.

#minutiae #text

[leshyyx]

I’m the anon from earlier. Thank you for offering to talk about my ritual Leshy ;; I’m going by myself so I’m super nervous, especially because I’m a newer fan (less than a year but before tiktok? Time is fake) and I’m traveling to get to it.

My best friend has been into ghost since the beginning and told me about her ritual but it was so long ago that I’m it sure if it’s different now. I know I’m just being a nervous nelly but I don’t wanna commit a faux pas or something ;-;

Hi Sparrow! Of course, I'm happy to help with anything when it comes to Ghost. I understand your nerves completely; going alone, travelling and being new to the band all at once can definitely be daunting but I'm here to assure you that you'll be fine and have an amazing time. There isn't really any ritual-specific etiquette that makes it different from other concerts except all the costumes you might see.

I know when looking at Twitter, it can make the fandom look terrible in some cases - especially with how some people acted last night but most fans aren't like that and if anything, will welcome you and make sure you're safe. At the ritual I was alone at, two lovely women adopted me at the barriers and they were incredibly sweet, they even spotted some unmasked ghouls off to the side and got my attention so I saw them too.

My advice for rituals is to wear some comfortable shoes if you're in the pit, stay hydrated, be aware of everyone else - especially once the mummy dust comes down since some people do really go crazy for a few dollars and queue early if you want barrier. Ghost isn't typically a show where there's moshing and such so you won't have to worry about being physically thrown around, just your taint tickled by Papa. I'd also just suggest making sure what your venue's restrictions are, I know some have some weird restrictions regarding face paint and the size of bags you can take in.

So to finish it off, make sure you have fun and maybe try to make some friends! You may even be able to find some people to meet up with on Facebook groups or on Tumblr beforehand too so you're not alone.

If you have any more questions, the ask box and dms are always open <33

[indigo-villin]

I’m gonna talk about a show I used to watch via youtube when it was being made and many people may dislike me for it. I’m gonna talk about Steven Universe.

First off, I really enjoyed the show, didn’t watch every little bit (especially episodes I heard the plots of that were...less than nice sounding), but I watch most of them and bits and pieces of the future series. I also saw the movie and LOVED it, especially Spinel.

I loved the show so much that I still have gem OCs: https://toyhou.se/Indigo_Villin/characters/folder:530808

I was never a part of the fandom and heard about the toxic stuff people did, but I still watched the show and enjoyed it.

Now I’ll explain why I’m talking about the show with the MOST toxic fandom ever.

I saw a tiktok today where it was a scene from the future episode where Steven was trying to help Pink’s OG Pearl get healed up properly, He and pearl were kinda trying to help (pretty sure Pearl herself was still weirded out by Volleyball) and in the clip it was showing them all in the Pearl fixing room place when the Pearls were discussing what Pink did to Volley and Pearl trying to say “Pink never had outbursts, or harmed anyone“ as Volley is saying she was fractured by Pink due to a tantrum. Now I can talk for a WHILE about this apart in specific, BUT I actually want to discuss the comments on that video.

The video ended just as Steven yells at the two as Pearl is starting to get louder and more annoyed with Volley’s comments. It ends just as Steven turns pink.

Everyone in the comments were either talking about the other comments or making “Steven L“ comments. (Between this vid and a furry vid I have never blocked more people in a day.) And I just want to ask, why?

Why would people make “Steven L“ comments when he’s a traumatized 16 year old kid who has never had the chance to take care of himself mentally and is STILL having to listen and fix all the crap his mom did wrong. From fixing the ENTIRE gem society, to keeping Earth safe, to making sure his dad is fine, to making sure Pearl isn’t missing his mom too much anymore, to making sure the gem team sticks together, finding Lion wherever and taking care of them (yes they’re a lion, but they’re a lion that’s PINK), literally having to be there for Spinel who everyone FORGOT ABOUTTTT, he had to reintegrate all of the bubbled gems back into the newly fixed society, he had to find  a way to HEAL the corrupted gems, he literally spent ALL OF HIS CHILDHOOD HEALING EVERYONE ELSE and people have the gal to criticize him. A 16 YEAR OLD, for not being able to control his emotions and new powers. Like literally so many people said “he should act his age“ and “Well his dad was around and was a good dad when the gems let him be around his son“. LIKE NO, y’all did not watch the show.

And then there were comments like “ugh of course, Steven just has to be the main character (insert emoji here)“ (I am not on mobile, so can’t add the emojis people used) and it’s like... YES, yes he does have to be the main character.. CAUSE HE ISSSS. and like there were side comments like “I never liked Steven as a character“ and it’s like yeah that’s fine and understandable young Steven was a bit annoying to watch at times, but it’s TIKTOK what happens if you interact with stuff on there? YOU GET MORE OF IT RECOMMENDED meaning these people are even more idiotic cause they’re making themselves see stuff they dislike (it’s like haters interacting with furry vids, like y’all interact with them it’s your fault you see them more often).

tl;dr I do not interact with me if you hate the show steven universe, but if you don’t like the fandom that’s fine, I didn’t either. I will not stand for Steven slander when he’s a traumatized 16 yr old.

#rant #su #steven universe #su future

[amyintherapy]

Lying to a therapist

I saw a tiktok probably a week or so ago, where someone was talking about how they've lied to their therapist so much that its' become hard to have new therapy appointments because they've forgotten all of their past lies. It blew my mind, but it had tons of 'likes' and comments so clearly this was resonating with a lot of people. I scanned the comments and there were so many other people saying they related on some level. And someone was asking the big question on my mind - Why are you guys lying to your therapist? And the responses to the person who asked why these people were lying were basically that they had been given suggestions early on that weren't helpful, so then they felt that they had to lie to claim they were now 'better' because they had been given a suggestion. Or because they knew that a certain behavior they had done was harmful or unhealthy (like...continuing to date a guy they knew was toxic, or continuing to engage in their addiction) and so because they logically know it's not what they should be doing, they feel like they have to lie to their therapist about it. And that makes me so sad for them. There's so much more to improving mental health than just logically knowing what you 'should' do. It shouldn't be a shock or a disappointment to any therapist that if you have an addiction or a pattern of behavior that is unhealthy, that you may continue to struggle with that behavior long after you've realized it's unhealthy. Because brains aren't all about logic. In damn near every therapist appointment I have, I share with my therapist how my logical brain knows X, but I'm struggling with Y anyway. For me it's usually things like "I know I am actually safe, but I still had my anxiety really triggered by XYZ..." and she 100% gets it and does not judge me for still having anxiety in those situations. She often reminds me that knowing the logic of something doesn't magically fix the emotions that are triggered from our past experiences. And that's true for addictions and other things as well. I don't have experience with this, but i've heard some therapists who really focus on CBT do seem to think that once you understand the logic of things, that you should be able to fix your problems. So if you've had a therapist who is really CBT focused and thinks that once you figure out your cognitive distortions that you should be able to change your behavior...then maybe you need a therapist who has more experience with other modalities, likely some trauma based ones. Anyway, since seeing that tiktok, I keep wondering now how common this is for people to lie to their therapist a ton. I can imagine that some people might be SO afraid of upsetting others that they'd lie to anyone in that situation. If you can't show your 'imperfections' to anyone, then I understand this might not have anything to do with your therapist in particular.

However, if you don't lie to most people or find yourself feeling obligated to impress most people, but find yourself lying to your therapist...then please find a new therapist. I'm not saying yours is necessarily a 'bad therapist' overall, but if you don't feel roughly as comfortable with them as you do a friend...then they aren't the right fit for you in my opinion. You should try to find a therapist that you feel as comfortable with as possible. You shouldn't have this awkwardness with them where you're creating a fake life to impress them with. Also, what a waste of your money...and your time. My therapist rarely suggests things to me, honestly - but when she does, she specifically tells me that it's just an idea, and I can try it or not, and if I do try it, it's okay if it does or doesn't work. That everyone is different, and that if it doesn't work, that it's okay to tell her that and we can try to find new things to try if I want. I don't feel any need to 'impress' her with making ultra-rapid progress. Maybe some of that is because she's openly shared with me that the stuff I have didn't get this way overnight, and so it's not going to get better overnight either.

Also, if you are struggling with a particular issue and feel too much...shame or embarrassment or anxiety to want to update your therapist on it? Ideally you should feel comfortable admitting that, too. "I know I am not doing the best with X, but I'm not ready to deal with it and would rather not talk about it this session." should be a thing you can say to your therapist. Hell, even "I know I am using avoidance/denial/etc with (subject) but I don't want to go into (topic)". The right therapist should be able to respect where you're at, and appreciate your honesty even if you don't go into the subject very deeply. I dunno. I feel really lucky that I have a therapist who is a great fit for me. But I also just kept wondering if people who relate to that tiktok don't realize that therapy can be done in a way that feels more like talking to a friend with a ton of awesome expertise...rather than going in to be 'graded' on where you're at in life and feeling like your job is to win or impress them. I had a psychiatrist who I felt that way about as a teen, and she was SO not the right fit for me. In hindsight, she did not make me feel comfortable or accepted in who I was and where I was at in my mental health journey which was not ideal at all. You won't be able to get much if any help if you aren't being honest about where you're at.

#my posts #therapy #avoidance #trauma

[insanechayne]

Things to tell Chandler:

~7/28 (12am-6am)

Apparently we have a doorbell somewhere in the ER? I heard it chime but idk who pushed it or where the button is or where the sound came from

My TikTok is kinda boring tonight, not as many fun videos as usual. But I did find one guy that takes suggestions of drinks to carbonate (really awful stuff, like certain types of alcohol or straight up milk) and then he tries them for everyone to see. His reactions are hilarious. Of course he’s from fucking Alabama. Your state is very well represented haha. But I’ve also seen a lot of videos of people dressing up as horror movie villains (like Michael Myers/Ghostface/etc.) and doing silly dances and shit like that, which is just fun

Earlier when Bree was here she was looking for something to show me on her phone and things were quiet for a moment, and through the closed door between us and the nurse’s station we hear Erika just saying “I just want to string profanities!” We busted up laughing so hard. I still don’t know what she was going on about with that

I don’t know if this is actually popular in some way, or if I happened to stumble upon it by being mentally ill, but there’s this specific niche of guys on TikTok (well I actually think it’s only 2 guys, literally) that have been making gay country songs. And I mean very graphic, full of gay sex country songs. But they’re also really good! These guys have a good sound and rhyming ability, so the whole thing is just fucking crazy.

~7/28 (3pm-12am)

Took mom to dinner, we went to this place called Horizon View Restaurant. Food was ok, a bit pricey for the quality. It’s one of those “it’s ok for Moab” type places. Unfortunately that’s most of what’s out here. Nothing is really great or stands out much. Like it’s not bad, it’s just not the standard of quality we’re used to coming from California. But it was still nice to go out for dinner with her. I like being around my mom and talking to her, we have a pretty good relationship despite the issues from my childhood. And I think it helped her to destress a bit, just to be able to go out and talk about all the nonsense and all that. I’ve got leftovers for dinner tonight, and I remembered to bring a cookie from home, so that’s nice. And I bought food for her to take home to my stepdad. She says “oh it’s too much, you didn’t have to buy Robert’s food too, let me send you money” and she just needs to stop 😅 Money will come and go, we only got one life so we may as well enjoy some of it when we can. And of course I had to buy food for Robert, he’s my stepdad and he was busy doing yard work and couldn’t come with us, so he deserves something too. But then we went to get Starbucks and she bought mine there, so it evened out 😂

Work is nice and quiet at the moment. It’s weird though, my doctor is in the ER here. I haven’t actually seen her or gone to her room or whatever, just see her on the board list of all the patients. I hope she’s alright. I’ll talk to her when she goes to leave, I’m sure.

Decided to read an actual book while also working through the short stories book. I think that’ll be manageable, reading one big story and then if I’m bored or tired I can go on to the smaller ones. Hopefully that works out, cause I do want to get through the short stories, but I’m not enjoying it enough to focus solely on them. But the book I grabbed to start was one I just bought when I was in junction, and it’s very highly rated/recommended on TikTok and in the horror community, and I’ve been wanting to read it for a really long time. The plot sounds pretty interesting so I’m very hopeful for it being good. And I think it has pictures, too!

I’m supposed to watch this documentary movie for therapy, something about this one therapist’s theories about mental health or whatever. I keep putting it off, but it’s only like an hour and a half, so I should probably get to it soon. But at the same time one of my favorite shows recently premiered their 5th season, and I’m 3-4 episodes behind, so I wanna get caught up on that too. I technically have plenty of time, but it’s like I just can’t focus these days. I gotta try to get back into all this, maybe just watch stuff little by little. Do 10-15 minutes at a time and then take a break if I have to, or if I feel like I’m drifting while watching. I don’t know.

Urgent Care is pissing me off lately. I think they’ve got some new people down there, maybe people doing training for licenses or whatever, getting experience and all that. And I think that’s great and everything, but half the time they won’t call us before just bringing a patient down to check in with ER. A lot of the time they’re bringing us the most ridiculous shit as it is, things that could definitely be taken care of in UC, so that’s already frustrating for everyone. But lately there’s this one guy who just wheels patients down to me to be checked in and nobody ever calls beforehand or anything, which they’re supposed to do. I know it seems like a small thing, and it kinda is, but the point of them calling let’s me alert my nurses and get a room/chart prepped for the patient while they’re being brought down. And it gives them a feel for what they’re going to be working with, which can dictate what room to put them in or if they’ll need to wait because something more serious is here, stuff like that. This one guy always brings down people who decided not to actually check in to UC, too, which is weird to me. I get maybe someone doesn’t know where to go to get better care, or they’re worried about insurance and copays and all that, but if they decide not to check in to UC and come to ER instead then they can (usually) just walk on over to where we are. Especially if they parked in front, since our lot is in back, and they probably won’t want to walk so far after they get discharged here. I don’t know, it’s not really a big deal, it’s just annoying me lately. Mostly I just want them to call and give me a heads up that someone is coming, regardless of whether or not that person actually checked into UC. But I also don’t want to be rude to this guy who’s trying his best and hasn’t been here very long. He’s always a little nervous/shy trying to give me report on the patient anyway, so I feel bad and want to just be nice. Getting upset with him won’t help the situation for any of us, you know?

Have you ever started a book that you knew immediately you were going to love? A book that felt specifically For You, where so many little details pique your interest and feel like they were written just for you to read them? That’s how I feel about the book I just started. It’s called Hidden Pictures, and yes there are actual pictures in the book! But all these little details are pinging in my brain as I was reading the first chapter, and the author’s style has a very natural and organic feel to it, flows very well. I can’t wait to get deeper into this book, cause so far it reads great.

We got a call from a tour guide saying he was going to bring someone in who wasn’t feeling well in their group, but that she doesn’t speak any English and has a foreign insurance. Not really a big deal overall, but our process for foreign patients is screwed up and nothing is really set in place or fixed. So we’re supposed to charge them after their visit, give them a receipt, and then they call their insurance and the insurance will reimburse them. Which would all be fine and dandy except we still have no way to put charges into the system to see how much they cost, do a total, enter the codes in for billing, or anything else. I don’t even know if that stuff is set up in Meditech yet. We have a “cash drawer” in Meditech that we can open and close and apparently charge things to, or collect money in, but nothing else is set up. So how can I complete this process and get the patient charged and all that if we have nothing set up and no procedures in place? Management keeps saying they’ll fix this and get us a set process, but of course nothing happens. But if we don’t do this shit then I bet you they’ll be like “why wasn’t the patient charged at discharge?” Just frustrating. Most I can do is have the nurses fill out paper charge sheets, which I can then scan and email to my boss who can figure it out with billing. Hopefully that’ll be good enough. I’ll have to mention the fact that there’s no way to put charges in or anything still, too. Ugh.

A lady came in saying she may have been gently bitten or scratched by a bat. Simple procedure, we just check them in for a rabies vaccine basically. But the interesting part of this story is that her husband caught the bat and they put it in a little glass jar and she’s convinced she needs to turn it over to the health department to check it for rabies. Krissy wouldn’t let them bring it into the hospital, for good reason. She kept telling them to let it go outside, but the lady kept saying she wanted to keep it. So her husband just went to put the jar and bat back in their car. Wild times

~7/29 (12am-8am)

So that weird call I got earlier about the foreign patient ended up not coming in, at first. The guy said they’d be getting a ride or an Uber or something but then never showed up. Couple hours later we got an ambulance page for someone who sounded like this patient, but then within like ten minutes dispatch said the ambulance was then cancelled. So we all kind of ignore it for a while, until about 2:30am when we get another page for that same patient, apparently this time they want to come in to the hospital for sure. So they get here and everything is fine, and I can hear the nurses talking about the situation, and apparently there was some kind of miscommunication all those hours earlier with dispatch and EMS, somehow they got the idea that the patient didn’t want to come in before or was going to come in by their own vehicle. So basically this patient was waiting in the lobby of their hotel for hours and hours for this ambulance that obviously never showed up until they decided to call for it again. If that were anyone other than a foreign patient that would be a huge lawsuit against EMS. But since she’s from out of the country I feel like she won’t even think to try to pursue anything, since it’d be a hassle for her. Which is really lucky for them. Just a terrible situation and we all feel awful for this patient having to suffer for so long

It’s crazy, we have no patients admitted on the main floor right now. I don’t know if that’s ever happened before, certainly not while I’ve worked here. I mean it’s great for the community and people not being so severely sick/hurt, but still very odd overall. So you got Med Surg nurses coming over here to talk and hang out (and sometimes jump in to help with patients) because they’re bored. Just got people sitting around doing fuck all over there. I mean truthfully that’s what I do, too, but still at least with my job there’s always the possibility that I’ll have to jump into action and actually do some work. Wild times we’re in here

~7/29 (3pm-12am)

A patient’s visitor had to come in and out a few times, but they were pretty nice, and I have the button now so I didn’t mind. They brought a little doggie in who was super sweet and cute. He held the dog up to the glass at my desk so I could wiggle my fingers under our little slide-through opening, and doggie leaned down to lick my finger 🥰 Anyhow, dude was finally leaving for good and as he was walking by he said he really loved my hair color, which was so nice to hear.

~7/30 (12am-9am)

Idk what all is going on with dispatch right now. Sometimes it’s hilarious to hear what they’re saying over the radios, though, since our police scanner picks everything up. So here’s a snippet I heard while scrolling TikTok earlier: Person A “Ohhh don’t say that out loud.” Person B “we’re all just trying to be more like you, sir.” Person C “L O L” (like they literally said it like ‘ell oh ell’ I’m not kidding)

I’m quite tired, and in my sleepy state I had a rather hilarious vision come to me. I don’t know what the future holds, but should I ever get married (whether to Bree or someone else) then obviously you’re gonna be one of my bridesmaids. We can think of a different title for the position, but I’m still absolutely going to put you in a dress like my other girls. Just for the actual ceremony, and just for the joke of it. It’s something I used to talk about doing with a different male friend of mine years and years ago (he’s gay, and we’re no longer friends, but he always rebutted by saying he’d make me wear a tux to be his groomsman, and I always agreed). So I got an image of you in a lovely satin, emerald green dress, strapless because that’s funnier, maybe some ruffle at the hemline? Holding a lovely bouquet of flowers, of course. Can you imagine? Ohh gave me a good laugh, so I hope it made you laugh too 😋

~7/30 (6pm-12am)

Since Bree and I became official I decided to just bite the bullet and tell dad right away so that I could get it over with. He took it better than I expected, actually. No yelling or screaming or anything like that. Of course I still got a bit of a lecture about it being a sin and how he’s going to pray for me everyday and shit like that. I think he took it personal in some way, saying stuff like “it makes me feel like I didn’t raise you right”, as if being gay is so horrendous, like I’m a murderer or something 🙄 but the whole thing only took about 15 minutes, he was quiet and calm, and then it was over. We agreed to just not talk about it, which is fine by me cause I really don’t care what he thinks anyway. But of course he says that he had a feeling and kind of knew anyway when she’d been over the other day (when we did the day trip to Cortez, she came inside briefly to meet/pet Jess). So if he wants to think he’s so special and observant and knew about us already then whatever, I’ll let him have that. I’m just glad it’s done with and I don’t have to keep worrying about it anymore 😮‍💨

We watched Venom 2: Let There Be Carnage, and that was pretty fun. The Venom movies have kind of a cheesy feel to them, very easy to watch and you don’t have to focus super intently, so even though I was kinda tired I was still able to enjoy it. I do love those big, ridiculous CGI fights, like in Deadpool 2 when Juggernaut fights Colossus, or pretty much everything in Transformers movies ha. So if you haven’t watched the Venom movies I’d definitely recommend them, they’re very fun 😊

~7/31 (7am-12am)

Woke up off and on through the night, couldn’t seem to get very comfortable, and damn cramps in my calf kept waking me up. I woke up for a little while around 7am, moved to the big recliner, took about an hour to fall asleep again, then I was mostly out around noon. Somehow I’m still a little tired 😅 but I’ve got a full day to just do nothing and relax by myself and not even leave the house, so I’m very pleased with that

I saw that the theatre in Moab now has Haunted Mansion, and they’re still playing the Barbie movie. So depending on showtimes this weekend, I asked Bree on a double movie date on Saturday, hopefully that’ll all work out nicely. I also asked my mom about having Bree over for dinner sometime, have my stepdad cook for us. She said it would be a nice idea so we’ll talk to Robert about that this week and see when we can plan something out 😊

Since we became official yesterday, Bree and I were talking about family’s reactions, cause I wanted to let her know about telling my dad. Her family is certainly much more supportive, and I’ve already met her parents since things just worked out that way with the Cortez trip and everything, and they’re both super sweet. So she said they were happy for us, and that her mom was like “I knew it!” 😂 And she said her grandma wants to meet me, so I’ll have to come over for dinner at her house sometime (Bree lives with her grandma and is a part-time caretaker, like how I am for my dad), which is why I then thought about having Bree over to mom and stepdad’s. But the response from almost everyone has been very positive and congratulatory, which is kind of a relief to me.

Bree already said yes to the movie date idea, that was quick 😂 I’ll have to wait for the theatre to post showtimes for Saturday, but the plan so far is to go see Barbie and Haunted Mansion, then go out for dinner after the movies. One of us will pay for movies and popcorn/snacks, the other will pay for dinner, and it all works out great ☺️ this’ll be a fun day, I’m super excited for those movies, but it’ll also be the longest date we’ve been able to have so far and really spend more time with each other, since most often we only have an hour or two because of our schedules. So I’ll write up an update for you after that takes place haha

I have a screenshot to go along with this, cause I think it’s cute, but Bree and I made matching posts on Facebook to announce our relationship 💖 I’ll send the pic at some other point in time, but didn’t want to forget to tell you about it

Going back to the date for a minute, cause I’m a bit excited about it, to say the least. I’ve been thinking about it all day, planning things out (I’m very Type A and need to plan everything down to the last detail basically). I’ve already got my outfit decided on, and a makeup look to go with it. I know I don’t need to like dress up or anything, and she doesn’t either, but it’s like… I kinda wanna impress her a little bit, you know? I know that’s probably kind of silly, since we’re already together and everything, but still. Plus then if we decide to take pictures together I’ll look good for them 😅😂

This whole relationship thing is a little crazy to me, really. I’m still kind of wrapping my head around all of it and trying to get it to set in. I’m just so awestruck all the time, thinking to myself “I have a girlfriend”, and it’s so brand new and it makes me feel tingly when I do think about it. And just how easy it’s been and everything, how we fell into it so naturally, and we both are pretty in tune with each other and are on the same level of intensity about things. I have to keep reminding myself that she likes me, and she already has seen me at times where I wasn’t at my best (like coming to work in pajamas, no makeup, hair up, tired as shit, basically how I am at least once or twice in my workweek anyway ha), and that never changed her perception of me. I still get stuck sometimes, thinking to myself that she can do better and things like that, you know how my anxiety can get. But I’ve found it a lot easier to pull myself away from those thoughts with her, since she did like me for a long time before I got the courage up to ask her out. And even that I can’t believe. Someone liked me? When they saw all the weird, not great parts of me? When I wasn’t wearing makeup or trying to look my best? Someone *still* likes me?? Someone wants to be with me despite all of that?? That’s what’s crazy to me. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around sometimes and I have to keep trying to get it to set in. And her and I have talked about some of this, not necessarily to this level, but I did explain to her that I get really bad anxiety and need a lot of reassurance, that I’ll probably ask her sometimes about still wanting to be with me, etc., and she’s ok with all of that. She has similar issues, and we both know I’m very overbearing in telling someone how much I care about them, so it won’t exactly be hard for me to shower her with kind words and assurances and all of that. It’s funny, when we were just friends I used to say that “we have the same ADHD, and we’re the same type of gay.” Should have taken that as a sigh to ask her sooner, huh? 😅

Sorry for babbling so much about this relationship stuff. I’m sure by this point in reading this huge thing you’re already annoyed. And I can almost guarantee it will get worse as the days go on (six days is a very long time, especially when I’ve not got much of a life and too much time to think). But thanks for giving me the push I needed to actually ask her out, cause it worked out really well for me. I appreciate all your support. You’re a damn good ally 🏳️‍🌈

Onto some not great news, my mom got fired. I don’t know what all led up to it today, but I do what’s been happening this whole time and frankly it just sounds like a lot of discrimination against her. I hope she contacts a lawyer because I’m sure she’d have a good case that she could proceed with. Just hope things work out for her soon, I know she’s been applying to lots of jobs recently anyway cause she was feeling this was going to happen a while ago. So I just hope it works out for the better. There’s not much else I can do, really. I don’t think I could even pitch in for bills, or at least not much anyway, since I still have to pay for my own house and bills and food, etc., and sometimes the budget is kinda tight as it is (not like I’m getting a bunch of overtime every week in normal circumstances). But I’ll talk to her about it when I see her Wednesday, see if there’s a way I can help at all.

~8/1 (12am-1am)

I hope you’re having a wonderful time on vacation. It’s definitely hard not talking to you, since I have less to occupy my time. I have to keep reminding myself not to constantly refresh my tumblr waiting for a message from you 😅 got so used to it, it’s just a habit now, so I’m trying to break out of that for a while. Miss you a bunch already. But as long as you’re having fun and getting to rest and have a break, that’s what’s most important 🙂 can’t wait to hear about everything when you get back, I’m counting the days haha

Dad finally decided to re-watch the Saw movies with me, so we watched the first two today (or technically yesterday, I guess by this time). Hadn’t seen the first one in so long I’d kinda forgotten a lot of the little details, so it was cool to experience it again. I remembered a lot more of the second one, but it was still fun to watch again and relive it a bit. Dad and I were reminiscing about the first time we watched them when I was a kid (since the first Saw came out in 2004, and I was about 9-10 depending on what month we actually ended up watching it). Growing up we always bonded best over horror movies, because it was special getting to see them as a kid when nobody else you knew was allowed to watch that stuff, and if we were watching a horror movie I knew I wasn’t in trouble for anything and we weren’t going to fight, we’d just get snacks and enjoy the bloodshed. I recently came to that revelation in a therapy session a couple months back, that those memories and rare good times are a big part of what contributes to my love of horror and why it’s so special to me. Idk maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember. But in any case, watching the Saw movies again gives me those good memories and happy feelings. Which I guess is kinda weird when you consider how much gore there is in them. It is what it is now 🤷🏼‍♀️ and I know they’re not your thing, I’m not saying any of this to try to prod you into watching them. Just sharing the happy stuff, you know

But speaking of Saw, on that first day Bree and I were together when we were driving back from Cortez we were talking about horror and stuff, and I was talking about how much I love Saw, and she said she’s never seen any of them either. I was telling her how excited I was for the new one and she said “so you’re saying I have to catch up on all the others before we go see the new one together, right?” Which was so adorable/sweet, in my opinion. And gory stuff doesn’t bother her at all, so I think she’ll be fine watching them. So yeah I’m pretty sure I can get her to watch them with me soon, too. And frankly I’ll marathon Saw any damn day of the week, won’t ever say no to watching those movies (I really am sick in the head huh? 😂). But this I’m mentioning because I thought it was cute the way she talked about catching up, and insinuating that we’d go see the new one on a date. She’s wonderful 😊

~8/1 (6am-12am)

Didn’t sleep super great, again. I got to cuddle Jess for a while, which was nice, but I woke up pretty stiff/sore. Moved to the recliner but couldn’t really fall back to sleep, mostly just rest my eyes and stretched out there for about an hour and a half. I did have this very silly dream at some point though. You finally said you’d be ok exchanging phone numbers so we could just like text and stuff, and you said “I’ll give you one day to send me as many stupid TikToks as you want, but only one day and then we gotta limit it” so I just went fucking wild 😂 I swear I must have sent you like 150, which you were kind enough to watch and react to all of them. I think it took you like two hours to get through them all, but you did it. So that was just funny

Had my therapy session this morning, which went pretty well. I’m learning to be more positive and have good changes and growth, so he thinks I’m doing great overall. We’re finding that I’m really internalizing the lessons and tools we discuss in therapy, and using them to make changes to my life overall so that I’m living happier and healthier, whereas other patients have some trouble with that and need to focus to get those lessons to become more natural for them. I was doing it without even realizing it, so that’s great news. Sometimes I don’t recognize the positive changes I’ve made until we hold up the mirror for me to see, but at least they’re there. Next week we’re going to do a trauma intensive session where we really go through one traumatic event (in this case we’ll be discussing my homelessness) and work through that. It’s blocked out for 2 hours, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m kinda excited, really, cause I’ll finally get to purge so much of this shit stuck inside from going through all that.

Aside from just therapy I’ve had a rather full day (for me, anyway). I also had a different doctor’s appointment, then had to go to the post office and pharmacy. And at the post office they gave me the wrong package and I didn’t realize it at first, so once I caught that I had to go back in to get the right package instead. Finally home, it’s about 1pm now, and I’m just completely exhausted. Idk why but I feel so wiped out, and my eyes are so tired. I’m gonna try to take a nap in a bit, I think.

I hope you’re out doing a bunch of fun stuff, or maybe just getting to relax for a while since you need some rest, too. Ugh I miss you terribly. Is it Sunday yet? 😅

I took my nap and now I feel much better and more rested. I had some leftover chili cheese fries from the place we went to for lunch, which was even good cold 😋 and dad and I are planning to watch Saw 3 soon. Just gonna try to run through the whole series before the new one comes out, because I know he’s going to want to try to see it in theatres with me if he’s able. Have to see if he loses enough weight to be able to go to a theatre and handle walking around, stuff like that. But he did actually start his diet again recently, so hopefully he’ll stick to it and get healthier here little by little. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can with buying better food and such, so you know. Anyway, I digress, not gonna go on and on 

Speaking of Saw, I got my purse today! I haven’t opened the box yet, so I’ll write up another little update once I do, but at least I got the package and don’t have to keep tracking it all the time now. I’m super excited to switch everything into it now

Also found that if I word things in a certain way with my dad he’s much more receptive/supportive about things (at least as much as he can be). So if I just say something like “Bree and I are planning to go see these movies on Saturday, so I probably won’t be home until Sunday morning”, he won’t get upset about it and will just say “that’s good, you deserve to have fun.” It kind of bridges the gap between us now. We both know Bree is my girlfriend, but not saying it that way makes it easier for him to accept, I think. It’s not a perfect situation, and I don’t know that I’ll ever really get acceptance from him on this, but right now it’s progress and the best I can hope for. Some years ago it would have been a huge fight, and he would have kept prodding at me and bringing it up to yell at me and try to make me breakup with her, so I guess I can be thankful that he’s made enough strides in personal growth that it doesn’t have to be like that. I still do feel a little weird/nervous even mentioning her name, simply because the knowledge of the relationship is out there, and I worry it’ll trigger something and make him huff or say something rude. But so far that hasn’t happen, so I’m trying to let it go.

Oh this reminds me, swinging back to my therapy for a moment, my therapist was at first kinda shocked to hear about Bree. He was like “what? When did this happen? Who’s Bree?” And I had to laugh. I went through the whole thing, and I know I’ve mentioned her before but not like a ton since I’m always talking about myself, of course, so I guess he forgot her name in combination with how many other friends I’ve mentioned before. I had to explain how things just kind of fell together, because he was surprised I’d never mentioned these types of romantic feelings towards her or going on dates or anything. I had to keep being like “it just happened, bro, like a week ago” 😂 but in any case he thinks that is awesome, and a great positive change in my life and something to be proud of for stepping up and asking her out myself, which is really nice to hear

I was thinking about you a bit today (though when am I not, really? 😅), just in like wondering what you’re up to on vacation and stuff like that. I’ve got a vision of my head of you smiling and being happy, and that makes me smile to think of 🙂

I finally opened the package for my new purse and it looks amazing! I’ll send pics later on (when you’re back around here), but I’m really so happy with this purchase. It’s a lot bigger than I expected, since a lot of these novelty bags can be pretty small and barely hold anything inside. But this one has a decently large holding area, with a side pouch inside. I think I might even be able to still fit a book inside along with all my other things. I’ll have to try that tomorrow when I move everything else into it. Can’t wait to walk into work with this creepy ass purse, freak out the nurses 😂

Also got around to washing my hair. I know it’s kinda gross to wait so long, but I wanted to go a full week to let the color really set into my roots and let my natural oils come back into my scalp, since bleaching is pretty harsh. So far there’s been minimal leaking of the color during washing, and it still looks pretty vibrant even after using shampoo and conditioner and all that. The stylist I went to did a great job, I’ll probably go back to her the next time I want to do a color, too. I’m thinking maybe bright purple in November? For my birthday haha

~8/2 (12am-2:30am)

I’m super awake all of a sudden. I thought my warm shower would relax me, since I was doing all my nice skincare and stuff, but it seems to have done the opposite 😬 ah well, I suppose I can stay up a bit since I don’t have any specific time I need to go back to mom’s house, really. As long as I’ve got enough time to pack lunch before work I’m good. But I’ve been finding it so hard to sleep lately, so who knows what’ll happen, regardless of how I try to plan things out. Maybe I should try to go to mom’s early, that way I have time to talk to her about what happened with work and see if I can make her feel a little better or something 😕

Definitely not looking forward to work tomorrow, but then when am I ever? And I like my job, really. I’m just still kinda worn out in general, I think. I was doing so much on my mini vacation that I didn’t really have much time to rest at all. Would have been nice to have had a full day in the hotel, just ordering pizza or other takeout, watchinf something silly on tv, reading, all that good stuff. I’ll have to try to plan for that next time I get to do something like that. Work won’t be so bad, I guess. Only 3 days cause this is my short week, and then Saturday I’ll get to watch movies and have dinner with Bree, and I’m very excited for that, so I’ve got something to look forward to 😊 I’m gonna try to finish this book I’m on, too. I’ve got 3 days, should be fine to finish it out, especially since I am enjoying it. Oh and I should try to get caught up on one of my shows that started again recently… already putting too much on myself, and then I’ll end up doing nothing, so I should stop now and just breathe 😅

Sorry for babbling so much here, and in general. I know none of this stuff is really all that important, some of it’s probably kinda boring/annoying to you by now. It is pretty hard for me not to get to talk to you, so this is the easiest way for me to kind of fill that void. Though maybe expecting you to read all this isn’t really fair of me… but I know I’d forget so much of this if I just wanted to talk to you when you got back, especially with so much to catch up on and wanting to hear all about your trip and everything. And it would definitely be shitty if I were just spamming you all day while you’re off trying to have fun. But I still kinda feel like this big long message is a bit of a burden on you to try to read and respond to (not that I expect you to respond to every little thing, or even most of this, since a lot of this is just me talking or telling you a silly story). The thing is, I know you *will* read it. You’re the only person I can really trust to read everything I send to you, no matter what, which really means a lot to me. You always make me feel heard and appreciated and respected. I hope I do the same for you. And I think maybe because I know I can count on you for that, that’s why I feel a little guilty about doing this. Ah I don’t know. Just stuck in my feelings again, you know me. I’ve come too far now to stop or try to delete all this or anything, so I guess you’ll just have to deal with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

But also, I wanna say thanks for always making time for me. Even when you were super busy cleaning and getting everything ready before the vacation, you still took the time to talk to me every day when you could, and I can’t even really put into words how much that matters to me. Yeah I miss you, yeah I wish I could talk to you more often overall, but the weight of those actions overshadows the other stuff. I really am just glad to be a part of your life every day, and have you in mine. Wish I could hug you for real, but guess this’ll have to do 🫂

Idk why I’m all mushy right now. Though I guess this is how I usually am anyway, so not like you aren’t used to me. But still. I’ve been a little overwhelmed with emotions lately, dealing with a lot of stuff swirling around in my head and all that. I won’t get into it, I know you don’t want to hear about this, just saying it’s contributing to my being a little sweeter right now 😅 you do deserve to hear this stuff, though. You’re my best friend for a reason. You really are such a wonderful person, and I care very much for you.

Alright I’ll stop all that for now before I say something we’ll both regret ha

I’m trying this new sleep mask thing, not one of those ones that goes over your eyes but like a cream mask (skincare thing), it’s meant to be an overnight moisturizer. You apply a thin layer, rub into your skin, let it dry, leave it on all night, then rinse face in warm water in the morning. So it’s all dry and everything by now, and it’s already left my skin pretty soft and smooth. Some parts of my face can get pretty dry, but this makes everything feel evened out, which I really like. And it smells pretty cause it’s lavender and chamomile 😌

I am kinda hungry though, but I don’t have anything to snack on. I wish I had more chips and salsa, but I finished those off yesterday. I don’t really want to get out of bed, but I’m still gonna complain about wanting a snack 😂

~8/2 (1:30pm-6pm)

Ugh I’m so tired. I’ve barely slept at all. Didn’t get to bed until 2:30am, woke up at 7:30am, then was very in and out until about 11:30am. I tried laying around a bit, but it hasn’t worked, and my eyes just want to close. But I have to start getting ready to go to mom’s soon, and then also get ready for work and all that. I want to do some nice makeup today, but I’m also so tired I kinda wanna be lazy about that, so I’m in a debate with myself for it. I’ll probably end up doing it anyway, since I want to be able to use all that stuff I just bought as often as I can. But maybe I’ll do a really simple look today. Like just face stuff (foundation, contour/highlight, blush) and some quick eyeliner and mascara. Eh in any case I’ll take some pics to show you later on

I still have to switch everything to the new bag, too. Didn’t do it last night because I was being lazy, so now I’ll have to do it right before I leave. I guess that’s not so bad, shouldn’t take too long anyway.

I was having some weird dreams about being on Price is Right, probably cause I was hearing my dad watching it in the other room. In the dream I was part of the show, but more in the background? So not like a model presenting stuff directly. But there were these giant water tanks with fake coral on the stage now, behind all the games (or I guess the tanks were stable and the games got moved around in front of them) and me and two other people were hired to be “mermaids” in the tank, I guess to make the games exciting and look fun with the new setup. In real life there are shops where you can buy silicone mermaid tails that you can wear in pools and such, so in the dream we had those special tails to use for swimming in the tank. I remember mine being really colorful but I can’t remember the actual colors now, of course 😅 so basically I spent this dream swimming around a nice tank, waving at contestants and shit. Such a dumb dream, thought it might give you a little laugh

Got to my mom’s house around 3:45pm, so I got to talk to her for a bit. She told me the whole story about what happened with her getting fired, and she’s already contacted a lawyer, which is good. I feel bad, but there’s not much I can do aside from be encouraging/comforting/supportive. Things will work out as they’re meant to, I suppose.

She’s a little overbearing on the support of my relationship though, like she’s getting weird about certain things. Like I told her about me and Bree going out on Saturday and she says “I don’t mind if you bring her over, but you guys can’t be alone in your room together.” What, am I 12?? Not that we’re at that stage yet in the first place, but geez she doesn’t have to act like that either way. And then she says “I just don’t want other people enjoying sex in my house if I’m not able to partake anymore” (cause after her hysterectomy it’s too painful for her to do anything, I know I mentioned that before). I don’t know what to do about her 🤦🏼‍♀️ she’s still more accepting and everything than my dad, so I gotta put up with her, but still she’s bugging me a little bit

I did end up doing my makeup, so I’ll save some pics to send later on. I’m not so tired anymore, so that’s something. I packed up a lunch for work, but I’ll probably go grab something quick from McDonald’s before I go in, cause I’m hungry but too tired to make anything else.

Oh yeah, my mom asked if I had told you about Bree yet, basically insinuating that you might be jealous for some reason. I was like “who do you think encouraged me to ask her out?” which surprised her enough to shut her up. I slipped and told her I liked you one time, now I’ll never hear the end of it 😬

Bree texted me earlier and said people are talking about us at work. Of course the word’s gotten out already, since gossip spreads quick in the hospital. But it’s no big deal since we made it public and everything, so let ‘em talk. Someone told Bree congrats though, which is cute 😂

I did end up getting McDonald’s for a snack. I always order a Diet Coke, right. But at the window the girl’s said it was just Coke, so I politely said it was supposed to be Diet. She took it back and said she’d change it, gave me a new drink, it ends up being Coke anyway 🙄 it’s not a huge deal to have a regular coke here and there, I just really don’t care much for it. So I’m blaming you for this 😋

I wonder if we’re getting a storm coming through. I’m sitting in the McDonald’s parking lot and all of a sudden we got hit with these huge gusts of strong winds, and it stayed windy for about 5 minutes or so. It’s calmed down now, but still that was kinda weird

Almost time for me to go into work, sigh. And knowing I won’t get to talk to you at all just makes my work day that much more boring. At least when I’m obsessively checking tumblr for your messages it makes the time pass quicker 😅 I’m just joking around though, really. I’m sure it’ll be a good day

~8/2 (6pm-12am)

Figure I’ll break this up a bit today, since it was getting to be a long block of text up there before.

As I was walking in I could hear really loud thunder, and the wind picked up again. The sky is all gray and dark, too, I love it 😊 I just saw some lighting and it started to rain a few minutes ago, hopefully the rain will drive everyone away ha

Prudence is covering some shifts now that McKenna is gone. And it’s great that she’s helping out and everything, but at the same time she’s not really used to the way ER works, so there’s a lot I have to check up on to make sure they don’t need to be cleaned up. So far just a few things not done, like labeling the incoming faxes, but that’s really not a big deal. And I know she was frazzled from working something she doesn’t know well, but she said they had 6 patients today and that that was a lot… but I digress

I’m a little annoyed though cause the chair I’d been using has been moved. Tess brought it back here specifically for me, and it had been fine for a while, so there’s no reason it shouldn’t still be here. So now I gotta email Tess and see about getting it back, and hopefully I can get a bit comfortable in this other chairs and not wreck my back today ☹️

Idk why but I’m like burning up today. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time to sit and let my body regulate, cause I’ve had to do some paperwork and stuff already at work here. Or maybe it’s the pound of makeup on my face 😂 in any case, I feel muggy and it’s gross. I’m gonna drink some water and see if that helps.

I hope it’s not too hot where you are right now. Though I suppose if you stayed anywhere in the south then it’s bound to be hot no matter what 🤔 but I hate being hot and sweaty on vacation, cause then I’m just uncomfortable and cranky the whole time, so I hope you’re not going through that kind of thing right now cause that would not be fun. Or maybe you’ve been indoors a lot, and then it wouldn’t really matter how hot it is outside if you’re in nice AC 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m just babbling away cause I’m bored, you know how it goes. Not much to do right now aside from waiting for Bree to come see me after her shift ends. I’ve got half a mind to jokingly ask her if she wants to kiss in the rain 😅 but I don’t want to make her too uncomfortable since we are at work still

Georgia’s birthday is coming up on 8/5, but I’m hearing that there’s already cake somewhere around the ER 👀 I’m gonna have to go hunt it down and have a little piece soon

The whole quitting smoking thing has been going pretty well, for the most part. It’s harder when I’m driving or about to go to work, cause that’s when I’d smoke most often, so that’s when I feel the cravings a bit more. Or if I see someone smoking (like on tv or a movie or whatever; for example, there’s some minor smoking scenes in Saw and that made me want one pretty bad) then I tend to want a cigarette moreso since it’s a visual association. But otherwise it’s not awful. I don’t have too hard of a time pushing those thoughts away and distracting myself from the cravings and such. It is still a bit difficult trying to remove it from my psyche in the sense of it being like such a huge part of my personality and things like that, but I think I’m doing ok with that right now.

Idk what’s going on but I heard Krissy say “I’m sorry, I got seduced by the cottage cheese!” So that’s fun out of context

Speaking of, I don’t know how Krissy is still here. She never seems to have a day off, this one. At this point we should just dedicate one of the rooms to her so she can rest when her shift is done 😂

I was taking care of some things I needed to handle for college coming up at the end of this month, and my student loans don’t cover the full amount of my tuition for this semester. I’m thinking I may need to drop 1-2 classes of the 4 I’m enrolled in, which would make my academic journey take longer, but could be more affordable. Cause how am I gonna come up with $1700 by the 16th?? That’s how much is left over after my loans pay out. My mom suggested looking into payment plans or trying to get a student loan with my bank, so I guess I’ll look into all that this weekend. Just sucks, the way things were estimated when I was first applying/enrolling seemed like the loan would be just enough to cover everything, maybe a couple hundred bucks I’d have to throw in. I suppose if I do have to give up some classes I can put off like Nutrition and Balancing Work and Family, since I wasn’t super excited for those anyway, and they were mostly credit courses to take off some prerequisites for my eventual majors. Not like I can’t just take them some other time. As long as I can keep creative writing and Geology I think I’ll be happy with that, because then I’m still making progress towards what I want to do for my Bachelor’s eventually (well, sort of anyway; Geology isn’t really part of Health Science, but is still a science, so I’m counting it). Ugh I should have been born into generational wealth. Fucking poor parents that I’m stuck with 🙄

Bree came to spend time with me, of course. We had a nice time just hanging out together. We always end up laughing and telling each other silly stories. And we try not to be too PDA at work, for obvious reasons, but we keep the door between me and the nurses closed when she’s here, and try to talk a little quieter, so we held hands for a minute when she’d first come by, and before she left I got a full on hug and it felt so wonderful. Not just the human contact, but the closeness to my partner and the love in the hug. I got some butterflies just from that 🥰 and she knows about my need to confirm things a bunch of times and all that, so she actively talked about our Saturday plans with that positive confirmation, and said she was super excited to go out that day, which really made me feel special. I have a lot of trouble with feeling like I’m bothering people or being too pushy or overbearing or whatever, especially when I have to ask them about confirming plans, and I always have that question of “do they really want to spend time with me” in the back of my head, but she always makes it so clear that she wants to be with me and spend time with me and all of that, and it really just fills my heart with so much joy.

Ah sorry for babbling about Bree again. I’m just having a moment over here 😅 haven’t been in a relationship in so long, and the last person I was with wasn’t all that great during the relationship anyway, so I’m not used to kind treatment. It short circuits me a little bit, because there’s also that part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to be treated so nicely. But I’m starting to work through that little by little. Anyhow, I can’t say it won’t happen again, because we both know that it will. Obviously I’ll be giving you every detail of what happens Saturday, too 😂 but I’ll try to keep it on a minimum until then haha

~8/3 (12am-6am)

Tim’s working this week, and Krissy was only doing a half shift tonight so she left at midnight. She’s finally getting like 5 days off, poor thing has been working a crazy schedule for weeks now. But anyway, the ER is empty and Dr Reay is in the Doc Box, so it’s just me and Tim in here. He’s at his desk at the nurse’s station, but it’s directly behind me, so every so often we’ll just kinda yell something to each other 😂 mostly just hanging around and doing our own thing though, and it’s very comfortable

We were also hearing that search and rescue got called out for someone on a river around here. Idk who was out doing river activities after midnight, but of course they were gonna get swept away 🙄 but search and rescue found them, which is good, and hopefully they’re ok and won’t need to come around here

I think my TikTok gave up on my algorithm cause at this point it’s all just masked dudes 😅 not that I’m really complaining about that or anything, just saying it’s kinda funny that I broke TikTok and turned my page into this. I did discuss these videos with Bree, and she doesn’t mind me watching them still. Which maybe I mentioned that before, I can’t remember now. But it’s nice that she doesn’t care, cause I don’t know how I’d get it to reset at this point 😳

And I’ll say what I’m always saying: I miss you so much. Work really is harder to get through without getting to talk to you, or even just message you with the knowledge that you’ll see my message the next day and I’ll get to talk to you later on. I’m just so bored and have very little to occupy my time. TikTok is fun but it can get boring after a while, too. And I have my book but I tend to get distracted while reading lately. My mind is always wandering and it goes places I don’t always want it to go, so that’s not great. And I have trouble just sitting and watching something. I have to move my hands and fidget in some way, so I end up going on my phone and then missing parts of the plot. So I’m just having a blah kind of time in general. And I’m also jealous cause you don’t have to work this week, and I wish I didn’t have to work because I’d definitely like some more time to rest/relax right now. I’m pretty sleepy right now, honestly. Hopefully that’ll make me sleep better when I get back home, but still. I knew not getting to talk to you would be difficult for me, but damn this is starting to hurt 😅 that means you’re stuck with me forever then, now you’re definitely not allowed to ever leave me or not be friends with me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ok in all seriousness though, I know the way I’m talking makes it sound like it’s all about me. But I honestly am happy that you’re off having a good time and getting a vacation and all that. You really did need a break, can’t think of anyone more deserving of some time away than you. I just like to talk, and typing this up helps fill my time and keep me occupied/awake. And I guess I’m a little worried that you won’t come back on here or talk to me anymore now that you haven’t had to put up with me for a while. I feel like I pressure you in some way to talk to me every day when you are here, or like it’s becoming an obligation you have to fulfill. I’m always worried that I’m being annoying or overbearing or whatever else I’m being, since I don’t know how to shut my damn mouth. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth or saying that you actually feel that way, I just always have it in the back of my head that at some point you could feel that way, if that makes sense.

Bleh ok enough of this serious nonsense for now. Im not trying to bring the mood down or anything. I know you’re not gonna want to read all this moody crap after a nice vacation, so I’m trying to limit all this. Just get stuck on those 3am thoughts, you know? But we’re moving on.

Tim offered to make us some coffee in a bit here, so that’s nice of him. I don’t know how to use the fancy coffee machines in the break room anyway, since they’re like espresso makers or some shit. Do you think it’s a good idea to have a double shot at 3am? Maybe if I dilute it with enough cream and sugar it’ll be fine 🤔

Tim showed me how to use all the fancy coffee machines, they’re actually not as complicated as I thought they’d be, they just look a little intimidating at first. I don’t really drink coffee very much, but nice to have the option. But Tim found one of Caitlin’s old mugs in the cupboard and of course I’m having to use hers 😂 but we both kinda got to gripe about her, so that was fun. Tim is super nice though, he won’t outright say anything mean about anyone, which is a lovely quality in a person. Anyhow, I did use up a bunch of cream and sugar but the coffee tastes pretty good. A little bitter, but not terrible. And caffeine really doesn’t affect me very much, so I’ll still be able to sleep when I get home. Also they found that person on the river and they’re fine, don’t need medical attention or anything, just need to get somewhere dry. I’m glad that all worked out for the best.

I found some of the good chairs floating around in front of the nurse’s station (and I usually never have to walk around there, so I wonder if they were there all day and I just didn’t see them). So thankfully I’ve got one now, but it’s 4am and my back is already half wrecked. At least I’ve got some relief for the moment

Tim and I got to chat for about an hour, just full on sitting and talking to each other. Which we don’t do super often for some reason. I think we just got so comfortable with each other that we don’t really need to have long conversations often. But he’s nice to talk to cause we do get along really well, especially when it’s just us two around here. After that he had to do stocking in some of the rooms, and I had to do my paperwork. But as he’s stocking one of the big trauma rooms in front of our areas he calls me over telling me to help him count all the outlets in that room. Turns out one of the new trauma rooms has 52 outlets, and the other has 48. For what purpose?? We’re such a small hospital, I don’t think we even have enough machines to plug into those outlets all at one time. And there’s no reason a patient would need that many things at once anyway, so it’s grossly unnecessary. We were laughing about it because we have all these outlets but no bathroom on this new side of the ER. The things that get overlooked in planning, you know? Just wild

~8/3 (4pm-12am)

Woke up with my back basically in shards. That chair I had to use most of last night really did a number on me. And Tess had texted me to ask if we could meet up when I got to work later, so I guess she’s going to come talk to me around 6pm or so when I clock in. I don’t know what she wants, and I usually get along with Tess very well, but I have a feeling that she’s going to bring up what happened with my mom, and I don’t really want to discuss that with someone in management. But we’ll just have to see what happens. Maybe she just wants to see my hair, since she’s one of the only people who hasn’t seen it yet after giving me the ok for it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bree texted me some cute little drawings/comics of cows, so that was very pleasant to wake up to 🥰

This morning mom told me she had leftover spaghetti in the fridge, so I’ll get to have that before I go to work, which is awesome. I’ve been craving spaghetti anyway so that works out great 😋

Just had the spaghetti and it was really good. Kinda wish there was more cause I’m still a bit hungry 😅

I had to upload on ibuprofen when I woke up, since my back was hurting so bad. And I took an extra Prednisone. I’ve been able to rest in my chair here for a little bit (still at mom’s house) so I feel a bit better now, hopefully it gets better as the night goes on.

I was dreaming about Bree and I going out on Saturday, and I woke up all sad that I still had to wait a couple days to be able to do that 😂

I also got to cuddle Ty for a bit. He gave me some kisses on my nose. He doesn’t really like to be held/cuddled so much anymore with how sick and grumpy he is all the time, but sometimes he likes when I pick him up and cradle him for a few minutes. My mom gets a little jealous though cause he doesn’t really let her do that anymore ha

Pre-season football apparently starts today, which I just found out when I woke up. But the preseason game that’s on tonight has teams I don’t care about, so guess I still won’t be watching it. Unless Erika wants me to bring it up at work so that all of us can wander in and watch while dealing with patients and such. I’ve done that for her before. I just hope I get to see my Seahawks play this season, I didn’t really get to see many of their games last year, or many games in general. So I’m gonna try to stay more on top of it this year if I can. Last year we were so busy around the hospital that even when I could pull up games it was hard to keep up since we’d get so many patients and have to run around doing things. But this year we’ve been oddly slower for several weeks, and if it keeps trending this way then I should be fine to watch most of the games that play during my work week (like Thursday night football).

Tess did come around for a while. We talked very briefly about what happened with my mom. I tried to keep it kinda shut down, just saying we don’t really talk about work much at home and that she’s just trying to move on, stuff like that. But Tess wanted to assure me that my job is secure and nothing is going to happen to me or my stepdad, so that’s something. We also discussed some new processes for the clerks to handle, most of which is just redundant. If our cash box stays at $200 and doesn’t get opened or used or anything during the course of a shift, what’s the point of filling out and turning in a stupid little slip just to say nothing changed? Seems pointless unless we actually do have something change, like taking a payment from a patient or needing to take out money from the box for a cab or whatever, and then those things have other specific forms to fill out anyway, so it just seems like a lot of hullabaloo to me. But I’ll do it anyway, because I’m supposed to 😬

At least talking to Tess took up about an hour, so only 11 more to go now. Tim is working this week, so I can talk to him if I get bored. And Brandi is back, too, and since things were getting better between us last time she was here I might try to start up a conversation about books or something when we’re a bit calmer. I’m pretty sure there’s still cake in the breakroom, too, so maybe I’ll grab a piece later on. So far seems like just a normal day, which I guess is better than an abnormal day 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder what you’re up to right now 🤔 I know you’ll tell me later, but I’m still trying to figure out where you went, so my mind is coming up with random images trying to piece it together. Idk why but I kinda have an image of you next to some kind of famous statue, flexing as you lean against it, something like that. Would love to see you in some kind of silly hat. I’m not sure why that’s what came to me just now, but I think it’d be funny to see this big tough guy in like Mickey Mouse ears or something 😂 well wherever you are I hope you’re staying hydrated, wearing sunscreen, all the good stuff. Maybe next time you’ll take a vacation out here in Utah, hmm? 😉 just messing with you. I’d love to get to hang out with you someday, of course, but I don’t know that you’d like it much out here. It’s kinda boring unless you really love hiking/camping/outdoor shit. The only fun you’d really have out here would be getting to see me, but then I’m even more annoying in real life and you’d probably be sick of me after ten minutes 😅 but still, maybe one day I’ll get to see you for real 😊

Ugh just had a patient’s husband come in, saying he was here to pick up his wife. So frankly he should have just waited in the lobby the five minutes it would have taken for her to come out since she was already discharged. But he asked if he could just come back to the room to see her and walk her out, and that’s all fine, so I let him in and show him what room she’s in. And then he gets all huffy, saying like “what kind of hospital is this? You don’t keep track of your patients?” I explained that we recently renamed a lot of the rooms due to construction, so I confirmed which room it was and said that the nurses told me which room she was assigned to. He’s still all upset, “well, she’s not in there. And she was discharged so she shouldn’t be anywhere else.” And then she walks out of the bathroom and comes over to him 🙄 but do I get an apology? Do I get an acknowledgement that we were doing everything right and she was simply using the restroom before leaving? No, of course not. He and his wife just leave, and he still seems to be in a pissy mood. Almost seemed like he was angry with his wife for being in the ER at all, but that’s not my business. I hate these kinds of assholes, so quick to blame us for nothing, but never admitting they’re wrong 😡

Bree came by to see me, but only very briefly cause she was tired. Apparently they were pretty busy in the lab today. So she just gave me a hug and said she was gonna dip out pretty quick. I was definitely a little 🥺 but I understand that she needs time to rest and everything, too. And she said she’ll bring tea over tomorrow to spend time with me at work, so that’s nice. We quickly discussed plans for date night Saturday, about like when we wanted to get dinner around the movies’ schedules, got that all settled. I’m so excited, I get tingly little butterflies just thinking about the upcoming date haha. But the only problem with Bree not staying to hang out with me is that now I have even more time to try to occupy on my own, but not much to do. I am trying to finish this book in the next two days, though, so maybe with this extra time I can get a bit farther in. We shall see

We’ve got a suicidal patient, so the social workers from 4 Corners have to be here, which would be fine if they didn’t have to use my office for things 😬 but since I have an extra computer and more space compared to the nurse’s station or anywhere else at least one of the social workers has to be here in my cubby. So I can’t close the door to eat or watch my shows privately. But at this point I don’t really care so much. I’m too hungry to wait until they’re gone, and I’ve got my show playing very quietly with subtitles on so I don’t bother anyone. Still kinda sucks though, cause I hate not having my own space. But at least that patient is getting help, which is much more important

The show I was watching had some sexual content in it, not like nudity or anything, but talking about getting fucked and such. And with everyone around I thought hmm maybe that’s a bit inappropriate for the work place. So I turned it off, then went through the channels on Hulu to see that Saw 2 was playing, and I put that on instead. Because somehow the gore and death seems more appropriate than talking about sex 😂 and I proceeded to eat my cup of noodle ramen while watching someone try to make a decision about whether or not to cut out their own eye to survive. I think maybe there is something wrong with me after all 🤷🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (12am-7am)

Been a rather boring night. Only had 2 patients all day, thankfully. We do like it quiet around here. I was on TikTok for a bit, but it got boring after a while. Still kind of neglecting my reading, but I did try to get through more of the book. I managed alright, decent enough progress, but my mind wandered away again, so I got stuck in a daydream for a good 15 minutes or so. But earlier I got to sit around talking with Brandi and Tim, which was actually pretty nice, and passed quite a bit of time. And I did get some cake earlier, which was pretty good. The chocolate cake was all gone, of course, so I had a small piece of the yellow cake with vanilla buttercream, and I liked it quite a bit. It was a nice treat. I guess Georgia won’t be here until next weekend, which is why they had all the cake and everything done the other day. I’m gonna see if I can get her a card to give her next week.

I’m pretty tired now, like my eyes just want to close on me. But I know the second I get home I’ll be wide awake, go figure. I’m gonna try to go to bed a bit earlier, but we’ll see how that goes

I know I’m getting repetitive by now, but I’m really missing you pretty badly at the moment. It’s like you’re haunting me, since I’m still thinking about you a lot. Who knew I’d get so used to the constant contact. I kinda feel like I’m withering away over here, just waiting for you to come back. Which sounds really dumb, I know 😅

I say I’m trying not to push it or be overly gushy or whatever and then here I am almost every other paragraph saying how much I miss you and can’t wait to talk to you again. At least you know I care about you, so that’s something right? 🤷🏼‍♀️ But I swear the days feel longer and the hours go slower when I don’t get to talk to you every day. It became such a habit that having it taken away is like having someone put me on a manual reset. Like I’ve just got this ache in my chest.

Alright, have I made enough of a fool of myself for one day? Man, I sound ridiculous, don’t I? I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop now. I just get so emotional all the time and have so much to say. Why’d I have to get stuck with this overly talkative gene? Why can’t I be mysterious and secretive? Nah, I gotta communicate too much, make everyone uncomfortable 😬

You’re just a wonderful person and I value your presence in my life. I think I took it for granted a little bit, always having you around, and I didn’t realize how much I rely on our connection to get me through the day until it was gone for this little while here.

You’re gonna come back to all this and wonder what the hell’s wrong with me, I just know it 😮‍💨

~8/4 (8am)

Extra little tidbit here. I was planning to go to bed early because I really was tired when I got home, but then of course mom and I started talking and hanging out like we always do. Somehow things took a serious turn, something got triggered in my mind, and we both end up crying and holding hands and all this shit, talking about our traumas and whatnot. Which neither of us expected this morning, but I know with her losing her job she’s probably got a lot of emotional issues pent up, and I’ve always got bullshit building up in my head, so I guess we just needed to cry together. We both feel fine now, for the most part

Before the crying, we did talk about relationships and things like that. We talked about Bree and how I’m feeling in the relationship so far, my thoughts about how it’s progressing, all that stuff. And my mom truly is fully supportive of this relationship, so it’s very easy to talk to her about everything in my head. But she then says to me “make sure you clean your car before you go out, that way if you two want to make out later it won’t be gross” so you know I just can’t escape these things 🤦🏼‍♀️

~8/4 (4pm-12am)

Woke up almost feeling like I didn’t sleep at all, even though I know I did because I still remember having some dreams (don’t remember what they were now, but still). I feel a bit better now cause I’ve been moving around and everything. But I’m planning to try and rest my eyes a bit at work tonight anyway, since I won’t be able to sleep much tomorrow before date night. We’ll see how it all works out

I got a hilarious video of my mom singing Slipknot. I don’t know if videos can send, but I definitely wanna try to find a way to show it to you because it’s hilarious 😂 so remind me about that later

Speaking of my mom, she already got another job. Not even a week later and she’s already moving on. She’s gonna be teaching first grade at the local elementary school, which is great because she loves teaching and didn’t want to try to go back into health care. It’s a bit of a pay cut, but they won’t have to leave Moab or commute or anything like that. I don’t envy her having to deal with all those kids, though 😅 and she’s still gonna find an attorney to deal with all the shit that happened at the hospital, which I keep prodding her about to make sure she actually does it.

I cleaned out my car, sort of. I wasn’t able to get like every single bit of trash in the backseat, cause I’d have to move my jumper cables and other things back there, and my back was already starting to hurt from bending and leaning in, so I had to stop after a while. But it looks better than before cause a lot of the big trash items are out now, and it’s a bit clearer overall. I should go try to get it vacuumed or something, since there’s crumbs and stuff everywhere in the front, but I know I won’t have time tomorrow, so it’ll have to just be ok. I don’t think Bree will care or say anything, but still, I feel kinda bad about it. At the very least it’ll smell nice, since I have my scent clip on, and I’ll spray some Febreeze on the seats before I leave tomorrow, so that’s one thing. And I’m still happy with the progress I made on it overall, since I am more limited in what I’m able to do anyway 😊 and Robert helped me put on my new steering wheel cover, which is covered in rhinestones and very pretty, so that’ll be distracting tomorrow, too haha

Last night some guy on here sent me a chat, and I responded, and then they blocked me. So like what was even the point of sending me a message in the first place? Coulda left me alone completely and saved us all a hassle 🙄

Don’t know yet what the day will hold, since at the moment I’m typing this up before work. But lately we’ve only had like 2-3 patients and then nothing all night, plenty of time to just hang out and relax and do nothing. I’m really hoping it stays that way again, since I am not in the mood to be doing shit today. I wanna enjoy my pizza and some shows and TikTok and read and close my eyes for like an hour. Just gotta get through this shift and then I can start my weekend. 4 days off, since this is my short week, and I don’t have much to do on Sunday or Monday aside from help dad with some social security/disability paperwork stuff, so I’ll actually get to just rest for a while. And of course I’ve been talking a lot about how excited I am for date night tomorrow, so that’ll be a great start to the weekend 🥰 and Tuesday I have that intense therapy session, which I’m actually pretty excited for because I just wanna get this shit out of me, you know? But I think now I’m just repeating myself again, since I have nothing else to really talk about yet. So sorry if this has been annoying 😅

Welp, I’m at work now, so far nothing going on. But it’s only like 6:45 so the night is young. Bree said she’s still coming by to hang with me for a while, so I’m getting pizza for both of us 😊 and I’m just listening to Dr Scherer and the nurses talk about bad doctors/nurses who used to work here. They’re all reminiscing and laughing, and while I’m not really part of it (and kinda don’t feel comfortable trying to jump in since I haven’t been here as long as them) it’s still fun to hear about all the old drama haha

We did have one patient come in just now from Urgent Care, but that’s not such a big deal. And since they already got his info in the system I have very little left to do for him, which is nice.

I’m definitely going to try to finish that book tonight. I want to be able to grab a new one this weekend when I’m at my house, and I don’t think I’ll have much time to read tomorrow since Bree and I will be out for a long time, so guess it’s gotta be today haha. I suppose I could try to finish it Sunday, if I have to, but still the goal will be to do it tonight. But let’s see if that actually happens 🤞🏻

Hope you’re having fun doing whatever you’re doing. I’ve been thinking about you (obviously), mostly just to hope you’re enjoying yourself and having a good time. I’m still wishing for a picture of you smiling and looking happy for once, so I hope you didn’t forget to take one 😂 and while I feel bad that your vacation time is almost up and you’ll have to come back to reality soon (cause that always sucks), I am also soooo excited to get to talk to you again soon. I’m damn near counting the minutes 😅

~8/5 (12am-7am)

I’m writing this up after midnight, so figured I’d just break it up a bit so it wouldn’t end up being such a long block of text.

Bree came over to hang with me at work around 8:30pm. I had the pizza and everything ready for us, so that we wouldn’t have to bother with ordering later on. Thankfully not much has been going on today aside from a few things here and there, so we had a long time to just keep the door closed and spend time together. It was really sweet, she brought over her whole traditional Chinese tea set so we could basically have a tea party together 🥹 I have some pics of the tea setup I can send later on. But she showed me how to properly steep the tea, and the traditional practices of brewing and “washing” the tea before drinking, and it was really cool. I also love tea and things like that, so it was awesome to be able to share it together. And those teas can get a lot of steeping out of them. We were using small porcelain cups that don’t hold much tea, since it was more of a tasting type thing than actually like sitting with a whole mug to drink, so we must have had like 20 little cups worth between the two teas we were trying. Both were very good, and very different in flavor, I really enjoyed both of them. Then after we had pizza and watched Bob’s Burgers for a while. She just left a little bit ago, we’re both gonna end up on TikTok for a while ha.

But just the fact that she wanted to have tea with me, so she packed up her whole set and brought everything over to the hospital to set it up and share it with me… I can’t describe at all how special that makes me feel. I can’t believe someone would go to that kind of trouble just for me. And it’s not even trouble to her, since she wants to do it, but still. I’m gonna be a little awestruck for a while 😅

We both have the same kind of like passion and intensity about things, too. In a sense it’s like we’re all in, you know? But it’s just sweet cause I’m the type that loves to take pics and share those memories, and she is too, so when I wanted to take a picture to commemorate our tea time she didn’t even hesitate to say yes. So I have some silly pics of her and I smiling and holding up our tea cups that I shared around. Just one more thing I appreciate, being able to enjoy taking pics and posting them and share my life and happiness, knowing she wants to do the same thing.

She also brought us some little fancy chocolates! She stopped off at a candy store before coming over just so we could have a sweet treat with tea time. So thoughtful I could cry 😭

I don’t think I’ve been this happy… maybe ever, to be honest. And as much as I truly love men (let’s be real, y’all are so damn hot), every day I start to feel more and more like “I’m so happy I’m not with a man.” And it’s nothing against men in general or anything like that. I’m not one of those people that hates men or thinks men are awful or whatever. Idk how to describe it. It’s just like… a guy would never think to bring me a tea party, you know? That kind of thing. Plus Bree is androgynous enough that if she wore a mask for me it would probably translate decently enough to work up my kink 🤔 not the point, just something I was thinking about before 😂

Anyway I’ll try to stop babbling now, sorry. Just been a really great night so far, couldn’t wait to share all the details with you 😅 and tomorrow we have the bigger date so you’ll be hearing all about that, too. I know I won’t be able to keep it on a minimum, so I’ll just apologize in advance.

I did manage to finish my book. Took me about 2 solid hours, I think? Or maybe an hour and a half. In any case, I had a nice block of time to just sit and read it all through, and it was pretty good. I really enjoyed the story and I felt it was decently unique. Which is really nice since I was looking forward to it for a long time, and I’d heard a bunch about it on TikTok and stuff, so I’m glad it was a good one in the end.

I don’t know why, but I’m all keyed up right now. Feel like my heart is really pumping and I kinda just want to move around for a minute. And that’s not great, since I really need to try to sleep right away when I get home (it’s like 5:50am right now, almost off shift), since I have to get up at 1pm to get ready for date night. But the good news is that Bree’s house is only about ten minutes from my mom’s, and it’s a straight shot down one road until I turn onto her street, so it’ll be quick and easy to find. I’m definitely gonna be wound up with nervous energy as soon as I wake up, though. Hopefully I can get my makeup on properly, since when I get these feelings I tend to get a little shaky too 😅

Oh but I dug around in some bags in the closet at my mom’s house and ended up finding my little bottle of my favorite perfume. It’s Romance by Ralph Lauren, I’ve loved this scent for so many years, but it’s super expensive and so I’ve not really gotten to wear it much at all. Dad had bought me a small bottle for Christmas in like 2020 (when I first started my lab job and was getting paid exorbitant amounts of money and the hotel we moved into on a more stable basis was dirt cheap to try to get business in because of covid), and even that was about $60, so I wear it very sparingly. I’ve still got roughly half the bottle left, and only need a tiny bit since it’s a strong scent and lasts for quite a while. Plus now that I’m not smoking anymore nothing will mask the scent of the perfume itself. So I’m definitely gonna wear it today for the date.

It’s absolutely killing me not to talk to you. Look at all this nonsense I’ve had pent up to tell you, and how much I’m still going on 😅 ugh I need feedback and encouragement and support and for you to remind me not to be so nervous with Bree since she already likes me and I have nothing to prove (and yeah clearly I can tell myself that, but it just doesn’t sink as well if it’s not you saying it). Guess I gotta wing it on my own for the date tonight huh? 😬 But I suppose I’ve been doing fine this whole time, so that’s something. Ah I just miss you, I can’t not say it. Hurry up and get back on here already 😮‍💨

Well, writing all my silly little thoughts like this is at least somewhat helpful. Sorry you gotta read it all, but I did warn you about that beforehand 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anywho, I remember some months back I’d told you a little story about how I tried to say goodnight to the nurses as I was leaving one morning and not a single one even looked at me, and it was upsetting. Well even progress has been made in those respects, because today before I left I said goodbye to the nurses at the station (who all happened to be crowded right near the doorway between our area anyway, I think there were like 4 of them there) and instantly Tim stopped talking to them to acknowledge me and say goodnight, which made some of the other nurses do the same thing. Good guy Timmy to the rescue. He’s such a wonderful person to work with and have around, and he treats everyone so kindly. I’m always happy when I get to work with him, and that’s partially for reasons like this. It made me flashback to that moment a couple months ago and kinda smile and feel better to see these small changes. And maybe it’s just because it was Tim, or because they were right next to me and couldn’t reasonably say they didn’t hear me, or whatever other reason. But it was nice all the same.

And I just realized I forgot to take the call sheets down to Med Surg. Even though I still don’t know what they need them for since they don’t use them to call anyone in an actual emergency anyway, that’s the ER clerk’s job. But whatever, I hope Dani doesn’t give me any fuss about it later 🤦🏼‍♀️ ah well can’t do anything about it now anyway. And Dani’s been a lot easier to deal with lately too, much more personable and friendly towards me, so she probably won’t say anything about it. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

Have you ever known Vitamin D caps to like fuse together? I got a bottle of the gel cap type pills from Walmart, the nephrologist said I need to up my intake to keep my levels up since I have trouble with Vitamin D depletion and that’s not good for the kidneys. I opened them up today since I finished my old bottle yesterday, and I swear all the fucking pills are completely fused together. It’s like the gel is melted to each other or something. Maybe because of the heat? Or maybe that’s normal for these types of pills? It’s fucking weird though. I had to literally stab at the blob with the end of a makeup brush to try and carve one off the top to take with my morning meds. Don’t know what all to do about that.

~8/5 (1pm)

Just woke up to get ready for the date. Fuck man I’m so jittery right now, even though I’m also still a little bit tired. But the moving around and the nervous energy are definitely keeping me awake, so that’s something. Trying to just breathe and take things one step at a time, but I’m so like overly excited that it’s like my spine is tingling 😅 ah I wish you were here for all this in real time, I know you’d be able to calm me down ha. And it’s not even like a big thing, just a couple movies and dinner, normal stuff right? I see her all the time, and was even with her last night, so it’s not like we’ve had absence or distance in trying to build things up. So why am I so shaky?? Ugh this is so new to me. My ex and I would usually just go to bars. I think he had me over to his apartment like one time, and he was over at my mom’s old place one time. We’d either go to bars or hang out in his car, and at the time that was like the pinnacle of dating to me. I was so stupid back then (I’m still stupid now too, but differently). This whole thing with Bree feels so completely different from everything I’ve ever done, I don’t know how to deal with it I guess.

In any case, you’ll hear all the details here later on. But if I take too much time writing this I’ll be late, so toodles for now! 😊

~8/5 (10pm)

Ughhhhh I wish you were here right now my guy. I have so much shit I wanna tell you and it’s gonna take a minute to type everything out and I want you to get hyped up with me 🥺 but I’ll just have to write this up and wait for you to read it to get excited I suppose

Just got back a little bit ago from date night. I would have typed this up sooner, but I had to do my grocery pickup order, which took a minute. Anyway, we had a wonderful time. I met her grandma, and she was very sweet to me. She liked me right away and made jokes and such, so we had a pleasant first meeting. I wanted to see Bree’s cat, but he was hiding for a while cause he’d hurt his paw earlier and was a little wary since I was a new person. Only stayed there for about 15 minutes at first so Bree could finish getting ready before we left.

It was so cute, the first thing Bree said when she opened the door was that my makeup looked so pretty, and the first thing I said was that she looked adorable in the black dress she was wearing. I didn’t know how she might decide to dress for the day, with her being non-binary she has a wide range of styling. So today was a more femme day. She had a black dress and these big jewelry pieces (necklace, earrings, ring) that all matched cause they were like this vintage turquoise stuff. You’ll see when I send pics later. And she did some makeup too, but not nearly as much as me 😅

We went to see Barbie first. Got us some popcorn and sodas, but it was too much popcorn for either of us so she ended up saving the rest for her grandma, which was fine with me because then at least someone was eating it. And we both really liked the movie. It did go a little hard on the feminism angle, but it was enjoyable either way. I ended up crying by the end. Bree was surprised, quietly asking if I was ok, and I had to explain to her that I literally cry over everything, especially if it shows things about the beauty of the human condition and feelings and community, all that good stuff. She put her hand on my leg and I held her arm and we just kinda cuddled together while the movie wrapped up and I sobbed 😂 but it was a cute moment

Went to dinner at this restaurant called The Spoke. She said it would be best to park across the street and walk over, since there’s minimal parking nearby the actual restaurant and it’s easier that way. And she had me hold her arm the whole way there and back (which is perfect since she’s a bit taller than me) 🥰 food was good, I had a pasta dish I liked. It had sliced fresh cherry tomatoes, which I’ve never liked before but decided to try now since it’s been years, and they were actually really good! So maybe I kinda like fresh tomatoes now 🤷🏼‍♀️ but we also got some Oreo shakes for dessert, which was nice 😋

But right as we were finishing up, thankfully had already paid and everything, the power went out for the whole city. At first we thought maybe it was just the one block/street/whatever; but then some updates on Facebook were saying it was a downed power line and took out all of Moab, and it could be like 3 hours to fix it. So no way were we gonna be able to see Haunted Mansion like we’d planned, which kinda was a bummer cause I really want to see that movie. But with the power out she said she had to stop back home real quick to check on her grandma and make sure the portable oxygen tank was set up for her, so we did that. Oddly enough their house had power when we pulled up. Then we just hung around there for a bit to give her grandma some company and let us get to know each other more. Her grandma seemed very happy to have company over, and we got along well. We were sitting at their kitchen table and on the wall nearby her grandma has this big shelved collection of adorable salt and pepper shakers in all different shapes and such, like cows and pumpkins, so we talked about that a bit. And Bree’s cat finally came out to investigate, and then he absolutely adored me. Guess I must have pet him in all the right spots cause he kept coming up to rub against my legs and my hand, have me scratch his little chin and belly. He was so soft and fat and cute, I loved him instantly haha

We were trying to decide what else to do, since it was still pretty early. Settled on taking a little drive around, so we got back in my car and started driving straight down the one road nearby. She was telling me about how to get to some of the hiking trails and other places in the canyons by taking different little turn offs, then suggested driving down by the lake. I’ve never been to any lake before, so that sounded fun, and she told me how to get around to Ken’s Lake. It was pretty full up from some rainfall we’d had recently, and the water looked so beautiful. We got there a little before sunset. Both of us were in sandals and had some leg exposed, so we decided to go walk/stand in the water a little ways down the shoreline. The water was so nice, like a little cool but easy to get used to, felt amazing on the skin. I had the strongest urge to swim, but just wouldn’t have been able to with my outfit and no preparation or anything. So instead I suggested we do a lake date since we’re getting to the end of summer, and she was really excited for that. Figured we’ll try to do it in another two weeks when I have Saturday off again. Gonna do it as an all-afternoon/evening kind of thing, that way we can enjoy the cool water in the hot weather. And we decided to plan it as a picnic! That way we can just hang out all day and not have to worry about food or anything else. I’m really looking forward to it cause I love swimming, and getting to swim in the lake for the first time ever will be awesome. Plus I just get to spend the day with Bree ☺️

Anyway, moving on from my sidetracked babbling, we moved over to where there are this big, mostly flat rocks around the shoreline (they help mark out the parking area on one side) and sat on some of the rocks to watch the sunset over the water. I got some nice pics of that, too.

Earlier she had offered me some lip balm and I teasingly was like “you could kiss it onto me”, not necessarily trying to get her to do it in that moment but rather just saying that I’m open to kisses and things like that. But since we’re both such awkward dorks and there’s been the “are we gonna kiss yet?” tension for a while I decided to just ask about it outright. I didn’t know if maybe she’d be uncomfortable with it since she is Ace, and I wasn’t sure how kissing fell on that spectrum for her. But we talked it out and she said she likes kissing and has just been nervous about it this whole time, wanting it to happen organically but also needing consent and wanting to make sure I’m ok with it too. Amazing how we were both so anxious about something so simple haha

But it was getting dark and I was kinda tired so I was like uhhhh I should go home soon 😅 I felt bad cause it’s not like I didn’t want to spend more time with her, but I really was getting worn out, especially with not having must rest beforehand. So I drove her home, we parked in her driveway to chat for a minute before she went in.

And finally, finally she kissed me! Right before she got out of the car, we were saying goodnight, and she leaned over and we had a nice kiss 😚🥰 it was quick, which is fine. I was joking around, “see now that the first one’s out of the way it’ll be less awkward! Wasn’t that easy?” And we both laughed.

Funny enough the song on my Spotify that was playing in the car when we kissed was Die For You by Starset, which is kind of a romantic song but more intense? I sent it to her to joke about it and she thought it was funny.

So yeah it was a very good night. The whole lake thing was unexpected, but ended up being a lot of fun, and gave way to another good date idea for us, so I’m glad it went that way instead. And we’re thinking of just going to see Haunted Mansion on Tuesday, and I’ll just come down a day earlier, since her work schedule matches mine this week (Wednesday-Saturday, she’s helping cover some people or whatever so we on a similar wavelength). So I’ll probably get to see her the whole workweek too.

Ahh I’m so happy man, like I feel giddy 😍

Well, that’s about enough babbling for now, since it’s the end of the night anyway. I better fuckin hear from you asap tomorrow so we can share in all this joy together 😂

I hope you enjoyed your vacation and had a great time. I hope you got to relax and you feel rested, since you’ve been run down for too damn long. I can’t wait to talk to you and hear all about everything and see all the pictures. I know you’ll read through this soon enough, and then we can talk about all my nonsense too 😋

Hurry up and get on here, please

#ok y’all please don’t interact with this post it ain’t for you #I wrote this all out for one specific person but tumblr won’t let me share it with them if I post it privately so I have to do this instead #only they know who I’m talking about with all the names mentioned throughout and talking about my job and all that stuff #so let’s just leave it alone for them to read at their leisure #cause I don’t wanna be explaining myself to anyone else #I guess you can read it if you want to and see me babble and make a fool of myself repeatedly #but yeah otherwise I don’t wanna hear shit #please and thank you #personal

[wamatechblog]

Android App Development Trends Statistics

Android App Development Trends Statistics

User research across numerous international markets: 76% of interviewees said that talking on mobile was their favourite activity.

Users will spend 95 minutes per day using short video apps like tik tok in 2022.

309 million active users were attracted to the AI-based snap lens.

With 27.1 billion users downloading apps through Google Play, the app store, Android is the market leader.

Trends in Android App Development

Check out these key trends in Android app development that helped Android apps gain the newest technology in 2022 and that, with additional features, might help your business thrive in 2023.

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There are occasions when you require an app that you can only use once. You are unable to instal it because of the issue with mobile internet connections.

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 UI/UX design that uses illustrations

The Android mobile app market will be dominated by UI/UX Design based on illustrations. Why should UI/UX design in 2022 emphasise illustrations? because visitors prefer content with illustrations to plain text. It enhances your Android app's look and makes navigating simple, producing the finest user experience.

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 Android uses AI and machine learning.

The two biggest advancements in mobile app technology in recent years are artificial intelligence and machine learning. The apps can handle complex procedures with ease and gain new talents thanks to the incorporation of AI.

 Developers can make their apps smarter than for consumers with the aid of machine learning. The technology for understanding human behaviour is already being used by products like chatbots to improve relationships.

 The following are the newest AI & machine learning trends in Android app development:

 Deep Learning: Using neural networks, this approach to machine learning enables computer systems to mimic the functioning of the human brain.

Improved neural networks for maintaining hierarchical relationships include the capsule network.

AutoML: This was created specifically for business applications. With AutoML, business owners can create machine learning models for their operations without needing a sophisticated programming environment.

By incorporating AI and machine learning technology, 2023 will see a significant increase in the accessibility of android app development services. It will also support other businesses in the upcoming years.

 Dedicated Camera Apps

In 2023, video-based apps will dominate the industry. With 600 million active users, the short-form video app TikTok made $4.6 billion in revenue in 2021. (Source). You can look into video-based social networking apps if you need a solid idea for your Android app and are intending to construct one. You can use video chatting apps like Google Meet or Skype in addition to social media tools to advance your career.

 Android Apps Using the Cloud

Well, in 2022, the issue of Smartphone memory storage capacity has been overcome by utilising a practical technique called cloud computing.

 I imagine that practically everyone, from users to techies, has heard about cloud computing. The cloud has a position in the creation of Android apps.

 Users now find it simple to retrieve data straight from the cloud and consume the least amount of internal memory on their smartphones thanks to the integration of cloud computing into the development process for Android apps.

 By 2028, the size of the global mobile cloud market is projected to reach $202.4 billion, growing at a market development rate of 34.0% CAGR.

 Technology Based on Beacons

In 2023, android apps that use beacons will become popular. It is a Bluetooth-based innovation that the marketing division will find very helpful. If a user has the corresponding app installed, they will receive a reminder whenever they are close to a store offering them enticing bargains to shop at the adjacent store. Beacon technology should be used in both your app and your real stores if you wish to run an online store.

 Android Apps using IoT

It is predicted that by 2030, there will be about 29 billion Internet of Things (IoT) devices, up from 9.7 billion in 2020.

 Since smartphones are mostly used to control IoT devices, this activity has had a direct impact on the trends in android app development.

 IoT with Android apps has caught customers' attention in 2022, and as a result, every month, about 60k individuals look for smart home gadgets on search engines. With the integration of smart gadgets, the statistics will dramatically increase in the next years.

 Users will continue to favour Android apps with IoT compatibility in the upcoming years.

 Android app developers must ensure that their product uses the IoT to attract the most users in order to dominate the mobile app market.

Also read : top app development companies

[death2normalcy]

Time for another installment of ‘Sam just needs to ramble on about her feelings because she doesn’t have close friends or a therapist to do this with and writing it out like this and posting it for pretty much no one to read helps’. That title is too long, but the point stands.

You do not have to read this. I am simply just randomly typing out these thoughts as they come to me.There probably won’t be any coherency to these, doing it this way just helps me calm down.

This specific one was inspired by a handful of things, the catalyst of which was a tiktok of someone telling me its okay to be sensitive and overwhelmed, which made me cry and send me on a slight spiral.

I was always the sensitive kid. I cried too much, I took everything personally, my cousins (the people I spent the most time with up until probably middle school) didn’t seem to enjoy that part of me too much (or most parts, but my recollection of my childhood is fuzzy at best). My family never seemed to know how to deal with it. I remember one incident where I was at a family reunion and I was crying (I was older, but not graduated from high school. Possibly middle school age? I can’t remember) and was left alone to just cry by myself. No one asked me about it, tried to talk to me.

I think maybe the way I was treated as a child when I was upset or when I was crying strongly shaped how I let people perceive me today when I’m vulnerable. If I even am.

I’ve talked about this one here, briefly, but my dad passed in May of 2016. It devastated me, understandably. But I wouldn’t show people that. I didn’t cry once in the hospital, he was hooked up to the machines for 5 days. I was there every single day. I’m not sure if this is 100% exactly how things progressed, but I think that not being able to just fully feel, and let others see my grief, caused my anger about his death to be amplified and I ended up taking that anger out on other people. Not...aggressively, not even that badly, but noticeably.

Thankfully, I’ve learned to recognize that the anger is occurring, so when my cat died in September, I didn’t let the anger take over.

Unfortunately, what’s ended up happening, is that I now get so uncomfortable and grossed out by anyone seeing me vulnerable in that way, I would rather die.

I haven’t cried in front of anyone in a very long time. I let them see the ‘safe’ vulnerable moments. Stuff that goes with my anxiety, and even that is a watered down version. My anxiety is easy. I can share that and that’s okay. But anything else is unacceptable.

I have also shut down in a way, I’ve become determined to be independent no matter what, to the point that I am desperately in need of help with some things and refuse to ask. I ask for easy things, like stuff at work. Not for financial help when I’m about to have to go without food just to get by because I don’t want to have to put off moving to South Korea for another year.

I can’t be vulnerable with people anymore. Because I was told and shown, from a very young age, that being open and sensitive and emotional was bad, That I was being dramatic. That my feelings were not valid and that I was a crybaby who needed to get over it.

Over and over again.

And honestly? I miss being soft. I miss just...being. But I’ve become so put off by it that the idea of expressing the vulnerability to anyone, ever, makes me want to throw up.

#personal #i never know what to tag these with #this is about being vulnerable and sensitive #i don't even want to talk about how i'm excessively shedding hair and it's thinning drastically and i think it may be from the stress #that losing me cat gave me #but that's a whole other thing #i should also be addressed #that there was also cases of me making friends #and being open with them #and going too far #being too much #and that was on me for sure #because i wasn't used to that kindness #and i overstepped #and started putting all my problems onto them #but i've learned from that #and unfortunately gone too far to the opposite side

[kait-inig]

Day 2 Blog: Kait Javier @kait-inig 

Whoever said that you should be nervous on CVAP’s day one is a lie because it was on day two when I asked myself if this is what I really want. Kidding! Just to give a recap on what happened during our day two of the Certified Voice Artist Program, let me take you back to the morning session. 

Investing correctly…

We had two trainers for that day and in the morning, we had Mr. Joshua Simeon introduced to us different types of equipment and editing softwares that we could use for our voice artist journey. 

The morning session really helped me a lot because I am such a noob when it comes to choosing the correct equipment. I usually would just ask the salesperson what’s best, try it out if it works, then buy it. But with Sir Joshua, he really explained the differences of the microphones, its functions, and if there are other things needed if you happen to choose a specific brand or type. 

It was also nice that our own voicemates and mentors would help us in searching for the correct brand by typing in its name with its correct spelling and even giving additional information about it. 

Since I am just starting this journey, I was only able to invest in a USB microphone with some noise cancellation. I hope as I go along, I’ll be able to really find out what I’m good at and what I will pursue so that I can take the next step in investing correctly. 

The morning session also introduced to us different terms that I find really useful. Because sometimes, you may be ready, you have the voice, you have practiced, but when it’s time to meet with your clients or mentors and they say terms that you are unfamiliar with, you tend to be lost. With Sir Joshua, we were able to learn correct terms such as reverb, plosives, noise floor, and etc.

Audacity, we meet again…

I’m a little bit familiar with audacity, given that back in my college years, it was a software that we constantly used for our radio production class but it was all basic stuff of cutting and putting sounds on it. My knowledge with audacity developed from this class after the step-by-step guide that sir Joshua gave us. 

It was quite overwhelming at first but he managed to explain it clearly, slowly, and he was there every step of the way. I’m sure that with some practice, we’ll be able to work on it like professionals soon. 

A man with many voices…

For our afternoon session, our trainer was Direk Reymar Pena. He has such a jolly attitude, very talented, and you could hear the sincerity in his voice when he tells you not to give up and just keep on practicing. 

To be honest, I was pretty intimidated at first because he could do a lot of voices. He is a professional in his field and I know that he was able to achieve such status because he worked hard and disciplined himself. 

He highly recommended that we should watch a lot of Tagalized series and movies to help us practice our dubbing and try on different voices. I appreciate that he gave out actual suggestions like websites and youtube channels that we could research on. The spirit of giving and sharing these types of information astounds me because for some groups or teachers, they would just ask you to google it. But in CVAP, they give actual recommendations.

Just like with sir Joshua, I’m very happy that we were taught terms like tight, time code, overlap (OVLP), and many more, when used in dubbing also. It’s a way to prepare us and not just leave us empty-handed despite the practices that we have taken on ourselves. 

What, now?

Here’s where my brain probably circuited. The assignments. To be honest, I’m still not over with me stepping out of my comfort zone and making tiktoks and pages where people would have to see my face or hear my voice, as I like working off-camera. So imagine everyone’s surprise when the assignments were presented to us. Instantly that day, our group held a Zoom meeting to talk about the dubbing activity first, making me sort-of-a secretary. 

Day two and I’m overwhelmed but one step at a time, right?

#kaitinigwritings #CVAPDayTwo

[gibbearish]

discourse here is buck fucking wild but at least i havent seen the argument i saw on tiktok which was "the word transmisandy was only coined because trans men saw trans women saying 'transmisogyny' and wanted to feel special too"

#like theres so many things wrong with that take #transmisandry was created to give trans men a way to talk about the experience of being raised as / treated as / perceived as women #without invalidating their identity by calling it misogyny #because super boiled down: trans men are not women and misogyny is bigotry towards women #so to call it misogyny implies theyre women #which like i have my own personal opinions on ppl being like 'trans men werent raised as women they were raised as men viewed as women' #like. i feel lile phrasing it that way is just unhelpful?? i wasnt raised as a man people saw as a woman #i was raised as a girl. i was treated as a girl my whole life. so yeah i may not know what it feels lile specifically to have my gender fee #like woman #but i do know what its like to be treated and viewed as a woman because thats what literally everyone else thinks i am #and to be like 'uwu but youre not a girl on the Inside therefore pretending to understand our struggles is misogyny' feels disingenuous at #best and downright terf-y at worst #like yeah my brain might not be girl flavored but i still got catcalled at 10 so i think nitpicking details is just unhelpful #but all of that aside it is also helpful for other trans men who are uncomfortable viewing themselves that way to be able to phrase it in a #way that doesnt imply they're women #especially since out of all men‚ trans men are literally the only ones actually being oppressed for being men #so if literally anyone on the planet has the right to use the word misandry and not be a fucking idiot its trans men #that was part of the argument i saw on tiktok too was that by using the word transmisandry you were indirectly lending credibility #to the word misandry as like an actual this that cis men suffer from‚ which. no #thats not how words work #anyways thats a lot of thoughts #actually i have more things to say about this #i think part of it is like. i feel like some people have leaned way too heavily into hash tag trans men are men and ended up coming out the #other side into ''trans men are men and therefore just as vile as cis men and do all the same things wrong and act exactly the same and #cannot be redeemed'' which is uhhhhhh fucked up #like theres been a super recent trend of implying trans men do not suffer any sort of oppression and therefore dont get to join #conversations about it when thats blatently untrue and literally part of the oppression trans men face #and added onto that is the idea that trans men dont face anywhere near the amount of oppression trans women do and therefore need to just #sit down and shut up which literally just divides the community. fights about whos more oppressed a) dont need to happen but b) definitely #dont boil down to ''one side is literally obliterated at every second by lasers from all angles and the other rests upon an ivory throne

[pinksatinsashes]

The Dream Girl's Guide To Finding Yourself

Figuring out who I was and finding myself has always been something I struggled with my whole life. I remember about 6 months ago I was in tears, completely stressed out, searching how to find yourself when you've lost yourself on google, TikTok and YouTube to find the answers to all my questions. I felt like I had completely lost sight of who I was as a person due to constantly changing myself. However, every time I searched online for answers, all I found were more and more women talking about how they too had lost themselves. I eventually forgot about it, but recently I've felt like I found myself, or am on my way to finding myself and I am so excited to share with you all how I finally was able to achieve that and what helped me in case it might help you to. Grab your pen and paper because the class is in session.

Delete Social Media

We're starting this class with something a lot of you guys probably won't want to do, but in my opinion, it's essential to find out who you are, what your beliefs are and your own real opinions. Social media is constantly painting a picture of what we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to look like, what world issues we're supposed to care about, what opinions we are meant to have and even how we're meant to talk. If you don't speak a certain way people will have something to say, if you don't post a specific issue on your story people will have something to say, if you don't fit whatever aesthetic is currently trending, you often feel left out. That's just what it is, that's how social media works and when you don't already have a clear idea of yourself, your opinions and your beliefs it can be so difficult for you to figure it out when you have all these conflicting messages being thrown at you. Personalities have become a trend. Images have become a trend. EVERYTHING is a trend. Quirky, I'm not like other girl type people were once THAT girl, now it's the grossest thing to ever exist. People define you by your music taste, the books you read, the celebrities you follow as if everyone who likes a certain thing should like these other things and act this certain way. All black people should like this kind of music, all gay people should like this kind. And if you fit into a certain identity but you don't like the things that others with the same identity like you may feel pressure to conform. This isn't an environment you can learn who you are in. Not only does it constantly tell you who you are and how you're meant to feel it's also absolutely awful for your mental health. Whenever I scroll through TikTok I would see controversial video after controversial video with people nonstop arguing in the comments and I would feel physically drained just reading through the comments as I had just been in 6 or 7 different arguments in real life. Or on Instagram, even the "positivity" pages made me feel bad because if hip dips were so great why would you have to keep posting about it? We don't post about how Beyonce is so pretty 24/7 but we do about how stretch marks are perfect. If it was so great surely we wouldn't feel the need to keep saying it. Those accounts made me feel worse than any other account I had ever followed. I didn't even know what hip dips were to feel insure about them in the first place until one account dedicated a whole 10 slides to telling people that there was nothing wrong with them. And I know by the comments that a lot of girls had also just found new insecurities. But the worst way Social Media impacts us, the way we hardly even notice is, it gives us a need for validation. We all know social media is fake. Even Khloe Kardashian who has had god knows how much work done doesn't feel comfortable with a single unfiltered image being out. Every influencer edits their photos and almost everyone only posts the fakest most agreeable parts of themselves. Photos smiling when they were experiencing the worst moments of their lives, only posting superficial photos online and skipping the ones that meant something because you didn't look good there or it didn't go with your feed. It's all for validation, we all have this thirst for it, this need for it. But if we all know how fake social media is, so why do we participate in it? What's the point? Why do we want validation from people who have never even met us? How can you find yourself in a space where you're more than expected to be the fakest person ever. To do things just to come across a certain way. You have no idea how freeing it is to be able to do things, like things say things without worrying about how people will view you. Just because you deleted social media and you're back in the real world where it's obvious how little people actually care. Social Media is also super addictive, it's literally MADE to be that way, to have you scroll and scroll until - oops the day is all gone and I've done nothing productive it's now 3

am. It takes time away from doing things you actually love, like reading books that interest you or doing crafts or learning a skill. When you spend all day on social media it will shape your personality. That's why people have become chronically online, because a lot of the things that matter on there don't matter in real life. If you're trying to find yourself, do yourself a favour and just delete your social media. Stop being the person that's constantly being pushed on you, but the person you actually want to be.

Declutter Your Contacts List

Stop talking to the people that constantly bring you negative energy, the ones that constantly complain about that relationship but never leave, the ones that complain about EVERYTHING, the ones that make you feel bad about yourself. CUT. THEM. OFF. Even if it means you'll end up alone, there's nothing wrong with that. Go through your contacts list and make decisions on the friendships you want to keep and the ones you don't. Give each friend a review. I have a friend review worksheet available right here that you can use. You can either cut off those that don't make the cut or start talking to them less. It's difficult to find yourself when you have people in your life that make you feel like you aren't good enough or leave you feeling drained every time you speak to them.

Find Out What Your Opinions and Beliefs Are

Now that you're done your mental detox, it's time to let some new thoughts and ideas in. What are your opinions and beliefs, and what are the things that you felt like you needed to believe in to fit in somewhere or because someone told you to. Write down all your big beliefs and opinions and research the other side of them. If you're pro-life research why people are pro-choice. (this is how I found out that I didn't agree with being pro-life and I was pro-choice.) If you have liberal views research why other people don't. This isn't meant to necessarily change your mind but rather cement what ideas you genuinely believe in and have reasons behind them that are more substantial than "I saw it on TikTok" A lot of people have opinions and beliefs, not because they actually believe in them but because someone told them a fluffed up version of it. Read books and educate yourself on things you believe in, learn about all the different types of feminism and what they believe in if you think you're a feminist. Educate yourself from somewhere other than social media or word of mouth.

Figure Out Who Your Dreamgirl is and Work Towards Her

Figuring out what the ideal version of you is and working backwards has to be one of the best ways of finding out who you are. The ideal version of me, eats healthy most days and reads books in parks or coffee shops. All those things are available to me now and I just need to work towards them. It's not unachievable. I can start by eating healthy once a week or just researching healthier versions of things I already enjoy eating. KFC turns into homemade wings and sweet potato wedges that I enjoy just as much. It's changes like that that make me feel good, happy and content. In 5, 10 20 years, where would you want to be? What kind of lifestyle would make you feel successful, happy and excited to wake up every morning? Write it down and start working towards it now. By writing these things down I found out what things I really valued most and who I was as a person instead of who I thought I was. I value my health, mental and physical and I value peace and quiet. I'd much rather stay at home with a book than go party. If you need help figuring out who your Dream Girl is to help you work towards her you can use this worksheet I made for you here. Finding out who you are is essential in life so that you don't change for other people into a morphed version of yourself that you don't even recognise and so that you can improve every day, working towards your end goal. So I hope this post helped you. Let me know it did. MUAH xx

#level up journey #hypergamy #level up #level up mindset #black femininity #hypergamous #myaesthetic #hypergamy blog #femininity tips #black women in femininity #feminism #dreamgirl

[officialscaramouche]

ayo feel like doing a gorou confession fic for me? pretty please with sprinkles on top (you know that fucking tiktok)

Ofc Pizzato anything for u my dear 🥰

Pairing: Gorou x gn!reader

Warnings: slight angst

Word count: 1,969

You heard a couple friendly knocks on your office door, eyes glancing to the clock to see it was a little past noon and you knew exactly who it was. “Come in,” you chime, putting down your pen and stretching upwards with a smile.

“Helloooooo!” You hear as the door swung open, Kazuha flaunting an envelope between his fingers. “Letter time!”

You sweep to your feet and give him grabby hands. “Give it to me!” He chuckles and places the thin paper into your hands. “Tell me who it is already,” you giggle as you rip it open and slide the letter out.

“No,” he sighs, rolling his eyes. “I keep my promises.”

You quirk and eyebrow before you fold open the letter. “Even if I bribe you with dango?”

Kazuha smiles. “Even if you bribe me with dango.”

You grunt and groan but it quickly stops when you unfold the letter, reading the contents.

Good afternoon, cupcake, it starts. You blush at the pet name. I hope your day is going as well as mine. I’ve just won the office lottery! I’m going to ask for more snacks in the break room. That way, everyone benefits too! Specifically though, I want more sakura mochi! The ones you made for us were delicious. Share your recipe? :3

I adore you, your secret admirer.

You squeeze the letter to your chest and squeal, your face warm from blushing and your heart pounding against your chest. “Oh, Kazuha, whoever this person is, I really wish they’d come up and confess!”

Kazuha tuts and wiggles his finger. “But then the mystery wouldn’t be there anymore.”

“Screw mystery!” You squealed, gazing down at the illegible and scratchy handwriting, the mysterious stains and fur all over the page. “I’m ready to hear these words in person.”

Just then there was a knock on your door and a quick turn of the knob, one of the top brass leaning against your door frame. “Good morning, Chatty Cathy’s,” sang a familiar voice and ear twitches.

You wave while Kazuha bows, hiding the letter behind your back. “Good morning, General Gorou.”

The tail behind his back wagged discreetly as the two men share a knowing glance. “Kazuha,” the general clears his throat. “May I speak with you?”

The samurai nods his head and gives you a little wave as he walks out the door. “Bye boys!” You sing, tucking the letter back into the envelope and putting it away.

The next day, as routine, a little past noon you heard three friendly knocks on your door. You excitedly put your pen down, closing your ledger and standing out of your chair and onto your feet. “Kazuha,” you grinned. “Come in!”

He pushed the door open with his back, lugging a big box with some plastic sticking out from the top. “I’m just a mule to you guys aren’t I?” He groaned, lifting the box up and onto your desk. “This is ridiculous.”

You stood on your tippy toes to try and peek inside the box without being obnoxious. “What is it?” You hum, getting more and more restless.

“Your letter, what else?” He kind of snapped, letting out a deep sigh and rolling his eyes. “I wish he’d confess too. That way I don’t have to carry these things.”

You pulled back the top of the box that was just out of your reach. “Here,” pushing your hands away, Kazuha tore the box apart to expose a giant basket full of goodies and flowers. “The letter.”

Kazuha snapped the taped-on letter from the plastic and handed it to you. Wasting no time at all, you rip the envelope open and unfold the letter.

Dearest [Y/N], you’ve pierced my heart like an arrow through a target and I simply cannot get you off my mind. I heard from the grapevine that you wish for my confession. …Maybe I shall do so in the near future? It’s not that I do not want to be yours, but rather that you make me quite nervous. Still, we see each other for terribly brief moments but these moments are the most precious to me. Hopefully I can muster up the courage to finally tell you how I feel. In the meantime, please accept these treats and toys imported from across the globe. My favorite are the dog-shaped biscuits.

Your shy admirer.

Looking up from the letter you find Kazuha stuffing his face with some chocolatey cookies from within a tin box labeled ‘Fontaine.’ “Are those good?” You ask, reaching in and stealing one.

“Mhm,” Kazuha hums, taking a bite out of the one in his hand. “I’ve never had Fontaine chocolate. I guess the rumors about being the best were true.”

You melt under the sweet taste and crunchy texture, thinking that if your crush’s letters had a taste, it would be like this. “This is so nice,” you sigh, eyes sparkling as they gaze upon the basket. “Do you think he’s going to confess to me?”

Kazuha stares out the windows of your office that peer into the rest of the building, watching a certain general spill water on himself and the resistance leader. He takes another bite of a cookie. “Maybe.”

You squeal in delight and spin around in joy. “My heart’s beating so fast! I hope he does it soon or I’ll explode!”

Kazuha chuckles and playfully shoves you aside. “If you explode, I’m eating all of your snacks.”

“No! They’re mine!”

Weeks— almost a month— go by with no further letters. Kazuha stopped coming by, whether at noon or otherwise. The only knocks you got were visits from Kokomi about the budget or from other soldiers carrying reports and receipts from spending. Your heart ached at the sudden lack of contact, wondering if you had done or said something wrong.

Maybe your eagerness was intimidating and this mystery man just wanted someone to flirt with without commitment. Maybe he got bored of you. Maybe he didn’t want to talk to you anymore.

Regardless, you wanted to try and spark it back up in case you’ve stepped on some toes without realizing. That night when you got home, you tossed the ingredients for sakura mochi into a bowl and got to mixing.

The office ate everything you brought before lunchtime rolled around. With such great success, you had confidence that he’d reach out to you tomorrow, if not today.

But alas you were left in silence once more, leaving your heart to crumble and ache. You were quick to recover, considering you never met the guy— let alone knew his name. But you had no time to be worrying anyway, because in a couple of days one of the squads were returning from the front lines and you needed to factor in medical costs. Apparently they took a hard hit when Sara Kujou showed up with her samurai. Kokomi was depending on you, and you didn’t want to let her down.

You spend these few days really crunching the numbers, making sure that every wounded soldier would get the basic medical necessities with some left over for any miscalculations. With every i dotted and every t crossed, you stuffed your report into a fancy envelope and handed it to Kokomi. “Thank you [Y/N] for your hard work under such a sudden timetable.” She thanked, tucking the envelope under her arm. “The team should be arriving tomorrow, so I will be submitting this for review immediately.”

You bow respectfully and offer your thanks for praise. “It’s no problem at all, Her Excellency. I was given ample time to prepare the balance sheet.” You begin to turn when you’re stopped once again by her.

“Before you go,” she smiles softly. “Would you mind helping out at the infirmary? We’re short handed right now with the sudden intake of Delusions.”

“Of course, Her Excellency. I will be there whenever you need me.”

You weren’t specialized in medics but you had helped around often enough to know the basics. And anyone could become a master at immediate medical attention after doing it so many times.

The flood of gurneys was a little disheartening to see, but you were still thankful for all that they do for the greater of the country. It must be scary being at the front lines, but everyone knew what they were signing up for.

You catch sight of Genera Gorou and Lord Kazuha chatting with Lady Kokomi before you were assigned to a batch of wounded soldiers, feeling a little bad for harboring ill feelings toward the young lord for disappearing. ‘You could’ve at least told me that you were leaving,’ you thought as you rinsed the injured area.

“I can take over from here,” the head medic stepped in, slipping on a new pair of gloves before getting a closer look at the soldier before you. With most of everyone patched up and recovering, the medic team was able to take control of the infirmary once again.

You wash your hands and check the clock. A little past noon. It’s funny how at this time you would’ve waited with bated breath for a couple of knocks. But not anymore.

You step out of the infirmary and find Kazuha and General Gorou sitting outside on the benches there. “Oh, hi boys,” you say surprised.

Kazuha grabs and shakes your hand. “Thank you for helping out our soldiers,” he says seriously.

“Oh, it’s not that big of a deal,” you mutter. “I do this all the time.”

A calloused hand pushes Kazuha’s away and shakes your hand firmer, harder. “No, [Y/N],” Gorou says with a sort of oomph behind his words. “These are my men…my family. They would be suffering if not for your help.”

You look to the side uncomfortably, a little put-off by the tension in the air. “And that’s why—!” Gorou continues, suddenly eight decibels louder. You hold eye contact with the general, his face darkening into a deep red flush, his eyes glassy and ears twitching. He squeezed your hand harder and shut his eyes. “M-My C-C-Cupcake!!! P-Please let m-me take you on a date!!!!”

Kazuha winced at the loudness of his friend, covering one of his ears but still smiling nonetheless. The people walking by stared and mumbled, but it didn’t matter as you felt your heart pound against your chest. You felt your eyes well with tears as now your face flushed red, the general cautiously opening his eyes to see your trembling lips and pathetic pout. “A-Ah! [Y/N], don’t cry!!”

You tug on his hand hard, pulling the man into your arms and squeezing him tight. You sobbed into his chest, hearing and feeling how frantic his heart was beating as well. “You idiot!” You shout into his battle-worn chest. “Don’t disappear without telling me…”

Gorou caressed the back of your head and chewed on his lip, his tail drooping with guilt but twitching with excitement for being in your arms. “Did I…scare you?” He whispered tentatively, choosing his words carefully.

You pull away and wipe your eyes, Gorou watching you closely and holding tightly onto your waist. “I thought you got tired of me…because I stopped hearing from you.” Gorou frowned and cupped your face, thumbing your cheeks gently. “I even made sakura mochi and I didn’t—”

“You made sakura mochi??!??!!! Is there any left?!?” Gorou’s jaw dropped. He let you go to turn and run to the break room, halting before running back to embrace you once more. “Heh, uh…” he chuckled nervously. “I’d actually…rather hold you like this…”

You couldn’t fight the smile that spread across your cheeks, flushing your body against his chest. “That’s okay,” you giggle. “There aren’t any left.”

You had no idea that his ears could flatten sadly like that.

#writing #Gorou #Gorou x reader #angst #fluff #oneshot #a stupid capricorn

[luvring]

I saw your blog and i have risen from the dead :) anyway if it's okay can i request some headcanons about Felix with an MC that speaks another language? My goal in life is to call him a cute petname in Greek and watch him get so red he looks like a fire hydrant (i dont know if i spelled that right but whatever you know what im talking about) you know how dogs don't know what we're saying but they go off of tone? (I saw that in a tiktok once i don't know if its entirely true or not) I wanna tell felix i love him so much but my friends tell me i sound more aggressive in Greek so he might think I'm angry at him or something n then i tell him i was just saying how much i love him and he goes !!!!!!!!😳 I'm rambling sorry but i think it would be funny watching him get frustrated. Oh! Maybe he says something to the MC in Velan! (I think thats what its called) oh i love him so much...

— felix with a multilingual mc

note from nia: achievement unlocked raise someone from the dead :heart_eyes: BUT THIS IS SO CUTE...wishing i knew more than hs french & basic korean rn . sorrow

the first time he hears you speak in a different language oh he is so intrigued. gets excited about the possibilities

his menace side awakens . he's going to start making fun of sage and swearing around escell and no one can stop him

he'd ask you to teach him things in exchange for learning something in velan

i don't know if this is too specific but y'know that one couple on tiktok that made those videos of greeting the other one as they came home in their native language to surprise them. like you would talk in velan and he'd speak in greek

smh he would have practiced so hard and done little pronunciation notes. asked you how to say things at random times so you didn't get suspicious...

you can probably find a bunch of pages of him trying to write a script and also practicing his writing

especially if it has a different alphabet like greek, korean, urdu, etc. he's writing out letters and words over and over

would use it in cards or letters whenever he could because he thinks it's romantic

would get rings for the both of you with your names/a phrase in each other's languages. i'm going to cry

the kind of guy to watch a show in your language and when he hears something he understands he feels so accomplished and points out what it meant. yes they did just say do you want to eat

you teach him a bunch of petnames then proceed to immediately call him those petnames

he may not have been able to specifically connect which word meant what but even having a general idea of what you were doing got him all flustered

once he figures them out he'll use one on you to get your attention

if you do the same to him he gets all @!@?!%#?>!? especially if it's in velan and/or said casually . he loves casual intimacy help him

saying i love you for the first time and he ?? that sounded very aggressive. i didn't realize you disliked this flavour of tea so much

but then you tell him it just means 'i love you' and he short-circuits like "oh! oh. well, uhm," 🧍‍♂️ he tries repeating it back to you (it isn't good but it also isn't. bad?)

asks you to teach him how to say it and now he says it randomly to fluster you. pain and sorrow

he also starts to pick up on words and your tone . like if you say something that sounds sort of aggressive around someone who hasn't heard it before they're confused but then felix replies nonchalantly since he's used to it o(-(

felix trying to flirt/be romantic with you in your language and just getting it...terribly wrong. grammar, vocabulary,, everything . but he tried so hard you can't help but go easy on him. like yes, thank you for thinking i'm warm and kind like soup

might ask you to quiz him on basics so he can prove that he's doing better and show off

if you see him staring very hard at something there's a good chance it's because he's trying to think of the word for it in your language

he puts so much effort and time into learning that if you ever did the same for him he'd be so excited and grateful. like he didn't need you to but you're doing it anyways to prove you care ?? no way

he likes listening to you softly sing songs in your other language as he falls asleep

y'know how you can forget a word in one language and try figuring out or describing it in another one . felix will randomly be your saving grace when everyone else is just staring helplessly

may or may not get you to speak in a different language pretending to be a foreigner so you guys can reap tourist benefits

strategically . knowing a different language than any of your enemies,, in my opinion,, may come in handy. :thumbs_up:

the vocal version of [long rant text message] "i'm not reading all that. i'm happy for you tho. or sorry that happened"

like you only really ramble to each other in your other language when it's just the two of you. and you can tell when something is upsetting. pick up little words here or there but the other person finishes and it's just like. mhm. are you feeling better now? and waiting for a yes or explanation in the language you're both fluent in

he thinks the fact that you're the only ones around who can use it is very ?? intimate?? like okay...only two people in the world (real)

#🛒nia.reqs #last legacy #last legacy headcanons #felix escellun #last legacy felix #felix escellun x reader #fictif felix #felix escellun headcanons #felix 사랑해 #je t'aime

[party-gilmore]

Hot take maybe? Don't think it SHOULD be, but like

Just saw a TikTok that, is summary, was saying "people who say they're 'straight' but willing to date [other gender/s] if somebody's interesting enough arent ACTUALLY straight. You're bi, just admit it" and I'm like... no?

No, they're not necessarily bi. Maybe they could be, I know a lot of people do repress it, but that's not necessarily true.

"Being willing to date -" does not mean "Has sexual attraction for -" It's just open-mindedness and being willing to accept the POSSIBILITY that you might a) not be, and that sexuality is a spectrum and fluid, and you're not restricting yourself to belief you'll be the same forever, and b) you may not be sexually attracted to your partner, and that's okay. That may not be important to you.

The EXTENT of what this means is the person is open minded enough to consider that sex with a person isn't as important as having a relationship with them. ESPECIALLY if the person in question is saying "I am ___” you need to respect that identity. You don't get to tell them they're "wrong" about themselves. For WHATEVER reason. Even if you're SO SURE they're just in denial.

Also, romantic and sexual attraction can develop differently, or even one after the other. They may be bi, or the may be on the demi spectrum, or they may genuinely BE straight and are HELLA attracted to (in the TikTok guy example) women. But there's like. There's this one guy. This one fucking guy. That's just so cool and they like him so much and it's literally no other guy ever just... Just like. Todd. They kinda want to date Todd. They still aren't sexually attracted to men. Like at all. They look at other men and feel NOTHING.

But they like Todd so damn much that they're excited to do anything with him, and that may even include sex, because it does feel good and also they trust and love Todd and that adds a layer of Want to the equation.

But they're still only sexually attracted to women. They're still straight.

Just like how if a girl says she's bi, but doesn't date at ALL, for whatever reason. Time money work life balance whatever, she's still bi. Or has only ever really connected with and decided to date people who've shared the sam gender. She's still ATTRACTED to multiple genders. They still rev her engine up equally. Her sexuality isnt determined by her date life or how easily she can connect and feel comfortable with [specific gender].

And don't fucking act up about this in the comments either this isnt a debate this is me telling you that when I see comments like that, I - a bisexual who's only ever dated one girl and it felt WEIRD and so it was only the single date (although it probably didn't help that she was a lesbian who told me straight up over dinner that she doesn't normally date bi girls because all her friends said bi girls were "hard" to date because of all the cheating) and have never really been able to mesh well romantically with other women but still think they're fucking hot and love dancing with and making out with and [CENSORED] etc. etc. so and so forth - get really really fucking defensive.

I've been made to feel invalidated so many times in my sexuality, that it just enrages me to see other people talking over someone and saying "no, youre just confused, here's what you REALLY are."

It's not more "okay" just because it's about somebody saying they're straight.

#ranting #personal #not even gonna bother engaging woth any replies to this one #just outright blocking any clowns