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if-mirrormine · 7 months

Text

where's my love?

summary: rowan finally manages to work up the courage to tell grayson how she feels about him but when she accidentally overhears a conversation between grayson and kelsey, everything comes crashing down.

pairing: grayson x rowan (f!oc)

word count: 1992

this drabble is for the lovely @falon-fen! she asked for angst in the form of a love confession gone wrong and i went a little overboard but as the resident angst gremlin, who am i to say no? i really hope you enjoy bestie!

also a big shout out to @softfairies for proofreading this for me. ily bestie <3

rowan paces the length of her bedroom, her stomach in knots and anxiety crowding her chest, making it near impossible to breathe normally. gralex watches her curiously from her perch on the bed, her head tilted to the side and following her owner's movements in a way that's almost comical. she'd locked herself and the cat in here almost an hour ago with the intention of building up her courage, but all she's done since then is worry. her feelings for grayson are all she's been able to think about for days, having grown exponentially despite there being no real reason. nothing has changed, she's still rowan and he's still grayson, but there's something distinctly different about their relationship that she can't quite put her finger on. she knows she needs to tell him, and yet she doesn't know if she's willing to risk losing him altogether.

gralex lets out a long, drawn-out meow and rowan stops to look at her pet. "i'm trying, okay!" she says, settling her hands on her hips. "it's really nerve-wracking. what if he doesn't feel the same way?" the cat meows again, dispassionately, and she sighs, burying her face in her hands. "fine, i'm going!" she walks over to the door and wraps her fingers around the handle before stopping to look over her shoulder. "but if it doesn't work out, no more catnip." gralex does nothing but stare at her and she wilts slightly under the intensity in her big, yellow eyes. "i don't mean that," she adds quietly, slipping out of the room before she can talk herself out of it.

grayson's room is just down the hall, only eight steps away from hers. eight simple steps that she’s taken too many times to count, every day throughout this week, in the dead of night when the world is quiet and she feels confident enough to make her move. her confidence typically dwindles by the time she raises a hand to knock on the door and then she chickens out altogether, running back to the safety of her room before she can be caught. but not this time, she tells herself. this time she really is going to do it.

she comes to a stop in front of his room and takes a deep breath to calm her nerves. you can do this, she thinks as she flexes her fingers. the door is slightly ajar, and she can see him through the sliver of space, standing with his back to her and a hand in his hair. she realises then that he’s on the phone and she stops to listen to the conversation. she knows it’s wrong, but she just can’t seem to stop herself.

“there’s something i need to tell you,” he says, clearing his throat and ducking his head to look at his feet. “it’s important.”

rowan wracks her brain as she tries to think of who he might be talking to. besides herself, he doesn’t exactly have friends, and despite all the time he’s spent with kennedy and alex, they’re more her friends than his. she doubts he’d be talking to her mother or callie, and neither of his parents speak english. that only leaves kelsey; the only person he spends just as much time with as he does with her. but despite that, she can’t imagine what he might have to say to her.

“this isn’t easy for me --” he says, sighing as the woman on the other line cuts him off. after a moment, he nods, and rowan waits with bated breath to hear what he has to say. “okay, here goes...” he pauses momentarily and when he speaks next, the words tumble out of his mouth in a rush. “i love you! i’m in love with you, have been for a really, really long time. and i know i should've said something sooner but i've just been so afraid of ruining what we have.”

rowan sucks in a sharp breath, stumbling backwards and she feels as if her heart has just shattered in her chest. of course he’s in love with someone else, with the detective. she'd been an idiot to think she ever stood a chance in comparison, not when the detective is everything she’s not. confident and beautiful, she does and says whatever she wants, not caring what anyone else thinks. it's only natural that grayson would want to be with her instead.

silent tears begin to stream down her face as she rushes back to her bedroom, desperate for the safety that it provides. but as she presses her back against the door, struggling to breath, it feels all wrong. instead of feeling safe and protected, it just feels as though the walls are closing in on her, sucking all the air out of the room and suffocating her. gralex chirps softly at her from the bed and she rushes over to scoop the feline in her arms. cradling her, rowan buries her face in the soft, brown fur and attempts to stop crying. the tears don’t stop however and, in that moment, she realises she can't stay in the apartment any longer.

with gralex still clutched tight in her arms, she bolts out of her room and out the front door, desperately hoping to outrun the heartbreak that threatens to swallow her whole.

grayson stands idly in the middle of his room, his phone pressed to his ear and his free hand on his hip. the silence is almost deafening and as the seconds tick by, he clears his throat. “okay,” he says, his voice clipped. “your turn to say something.”

“i don’t know,” kelsey says and he rolls his eyes at her bored tone. “how do you really feel about rowan?”

“you’re not helping,” he grumbles, shifting on his feet before going to sit on the edge of his bed. he'd only asked the woman to help with finding a way to admit his feelings since she’s the only other person who knew him best, but he’s beginning to regret it now. at this point, it would be easier to just send his best friend an email confessing his love for her instead.

kelsey scoffs, though it’s evident she finds the whole thing amusing. “i’m just teasing you, gray,” she says. “it’s good; you’ve got this.”

“really?” he asks, dubious that the detective truly has that much faith in him. “you don’t think i'm gonna make a big fool of myself?”

“no, grayson,” she says, her tone dry. “honestly, it doesn’t matter what you say, just as long as you say it.”

he sighs again but nods nonetheless. “okay.”

“now go tell her and do not call me again unless it’s to tell me that you two are getting married.”

he laughs at that, letting himself hope for a moment. “might be a little early for a wedding, don’t you think?”

“whatever,” she says and despite not being able to see her, he can tell she’s rolling her eyes. “i mean it though; i’m picking emerson up from her dad’s in twenty minutes so i only want to hear from you if it’s good news.”

“you got it. tell em I said hi.”

after promising to do so, she hangs up and he stares down at his phone as if it holds more power than it really does. kelsey may have boosted his confidence somewhat but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. he's been carrying the fear of losing rowan for sixteen years; there’s no easy way to just put those feelings aside no matter how ready he feels to do so.

but then again, it’s been sixteen years. it’s time to be honest.

he stands tall, his head held high and his shoulders back, and struts out of his room with as much of kelsey's imparted confidence as he can muster. he walks straight towards rowan’s bedroom, knocking on the door before he can convince himself otherwise. he waits patiently, taking calm and measured breaths, but as the seconds tick by, he gets more anxious. when the seconds turn to minutes, he frowns and knocks again only to be met by stony silence.

“rowan?” he calls tentatively as he pushes open the door. the room is empty and he stands in the doorway in confusion. the last he’d seen her was an hour ago, when she rushed in here with gralex like her life depended on it. he hadn’t questioned it then but maybe he should’ve.

stepping back, he calls for her again, louder this time, as he walks through the apartment in search of her. when he finally stops in the living room, neither his best friend nor her cat to be found, his heart begins to race. he’s transported back ten years, reliving his worst nightmare where he lost the only person he’s ever been able to love. he rushes to find his phone and dials her number with shaking hands, praying that she’ll pick up to any god that will listen.

she picks up on the fifth ring, a disheartened “yeah?” filtering through the speaker and grayson breathes a sigh of relief. thank god she’s okay.

“hey,” he says, trying and failing to keep his voice steady. he shuts his eyes and drags a hand down his face. he needs to get it together. “where are you? and gralex?”

rowan takes a deep breath and he frowns at her hesitance, palpable even through the phone. “she’s with me,” she replies eventually. “i just... i went out for a walk.”

“do you know when you’ll be back?” he tries not sound desperate, like he needs her by his side at every waking moment, but it’s difficult not to when it’s the truth. “there’s something i need to talk to you about it.”

she inhales sharply, the sound freezing him in place and causing his worry to return tenfold. “i don’t know, grayson... not for a while.”

her words come out strained, almost as if she’s trying not to cry and grayson feels a fire light inside of him, his heart and lungs consumed by the flames. “what’s wrong?” he asks quickly, his tone pleading and if he weren’t so worried, he might’ve cringed at the sound.

“can we not do this right now?”

don’t say it, he thinks as he squeezes his eyes shut. please don’t say it. “do what, ro?”

something of a strangled sob crackles through the speaker and he feels his chest tighten painfully. “i just don’t want to speak to you right now,” she says through gritted teeth and he sinks down on the couch, his legs no longer willing to support him.

there it is.

“did –” he stops himself when his voice breaks and he clears his throat in hopes that it’ll conceal his hurt feelings. “did i do something wrong?”

she doesn’t answer for a long moment and he can picture the pain in her brown eyes, the quivering of her bottom lip, the tears streaking down her rosy cheeks. and he feels his own eyes start to well up. “i’ll see you later, gray,” she says quietly and there’s no mistaking the shake in her voice. a tell tale sign she’s begun to cry.

he begins to panic again, crying out an urgent “rowan, wait!” but she’s already hung up before he can even finish. he stares at his phone in shock as his emotions well up inside of him, his hurt and his anger and his worry all melting together into something new and indescribable and before he knows what he’s doing, he hurls his phone across the room with a roar.

after a moment, he sinks back down on the couch, his chest heaving and his face wet with tears. and as he sits by himself, the silence weighing heavy on his shoulders, he can’t help but feel like he’s lost her all over again.

#NO ONE LOOK AT ME #ill cry #mm: grayson #mirror mine

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