#ill probably add some more about dean eventually | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fucktheroyals · 3 years

Text

You know after reading and reading and reading peoples theories and the meta from before the spn finale aired and the meta writers reactions to the finale I think I have a theory of my own. We don't have any answers tho, so this is pure speculation. If you wanna add something to support or discredit any of this that's cool but there's too many things floating around. Know I dont have proof for this conclusion at all. A lot of what I say is just guesses based on previous facts.

This all came together in my head when I realized how much this finale REEKS of the original producers and who the show was originally for. It REEKS of Robert Singer. Like if the execs started saying they didn't want it, Robert Singer was the one pushing that the story was about the brothers. That kinda thing.

Then, I was thinking of the problems in this episode and it struck me these are all of Supernatural biggest issues and to be honest all of it feels completely deliberate.

Take the sexism for example, Supernatural in it's later seasons largely out grew this, we have Jody, Rowena, Donna, Charlie, Mary, Claire (and even a wayward sisters pilot with MORE women/girls) all making regular appearances. They're mainly good characters and mostly aren't there to hurt our boys. Rowena, of course, is the one outlier being very about herself but it's clear she still cares for them, I mean its part of her development. But they're all real, with character flaws just like everyone else. (And we have Death too and she was POC 😭 THANK GOD)

Now look at the earlier half of Spn, we have Ellen and Jo, who's appearances were far in between. There's Bela in season 3, recurring for quite a bit (5 eps), but she is a character that is only there for herself, definitely not found family (unlike Ellen & Jo), and she's got more episodes in season 3 than Ellen and Jo in season 2 who aren't seen again til season 5. The "fans" send in hate mail after hate mail to try to get these characters off, and eventually they are. Then there's Ruby who's character stayed for a whole two seasons and was a largely recurring character. Why does she get to say so long? She's a plot device. She's supposed to be there to betray Sam. She has to stay (plus Jared obviously likes her). But she's not just a character the writers like writing about. Same with Lilith. Obviously not as recurring but still a plot device. Did they get hate mail tho? You can bet on it. Why? because tHeY'rE gOnNa PuSh ThE bOyS (Dean and Sam) aPaRt ThE sHoW iS aBoUt ThE bOyS oNlY. Without even thinking about the hate mail, just notice how large the difference is from how women are seen in the earlier seasons to the later seasons. Misha got tons of hate mail too for being a character that could split up the boys (probably only being allowed to say because he a man, thanks sexist producers and execs).

Only after Castiel was killed off and then Castiel fans successfully (thank you guys) got him back on the show did the hate mail largely simmer, which means female character's were allowed to stay! Which has lead us to a show with a good amount of female characters. But can you imagine having to kill characters off time and time again because people keep complaining that the show is "only about the boys." Fun times really.

So now we get to this final and we see sexism. But it wasn't just the plain old regular sexism you find in the earlier days of spn. Because now, there ARE women to talk about, talk to. But this episode was DESOLATE women wise, unless they were used for plot (which is also sexist!). Small scenes, they're barely there. Women gets her tongue cut out. Random women from s1 gets killed. Sam doesn't SPEAK of Eileen. Nothing. No mention of any female characters from the boys mouths unless they were from/in this episode itself. That's WIERD. I know we've all said it. But that goes beyond forgetting about characters. I mean its SAM'S GIRLFRIEND for Christ's sake. There is NO REASON they couldn't have said Eileen's name. Notice how Sam's wife is just... faceless. This is literally an age old sexist trope. Like... one of the things about bringing Mary back to life for s12+ is that it takes this trope... of basically a generic mother, and gives her life and feelings, whether you like them or not, they're real feelings. They said Mary isn't just a mom she's a person. Mary's existence in the later half of spn is to fix this kind of female tropes that fall upon her character, to not let these her stay a 2 dimensional character. They said we should know she's more than just the mom who tried to save her kid. Do that is the exact opposite of Sam getting a nameless, faceless wife. The sexism of the old spn wasn't just brought back, it was completely amplified. It wasn't just accidental or some exec "fixing" the story it was DELIBRATE. Whoever wrote that, didn't do ALL OF THAT by accident. Because an exec or a producer who doesn't see the flaws in old supernatural isn't going to write it that deliberately.

Let's bring it back to s10 when Charlie was killed (singer was mainly to blame). Dead in the bathtub, age old classic of burying ur gays. If you were here you know people never let Supernatural live that down. THEY KNOW what bury ur gays means. Hell, Robbie Thompson left because of Charlie's death and you think the writers don't know what it means? I mean both Bobo Berens (especially) and Steve Yockey's careers are centered around LGBT+ storytelling and you think they don't know? They know. They know.

And Dean wasn't just apart of the bury your gays trope, it is so far BEYOND that. Dean being killed on a rusty nail/screw, the tongues ripped out, things that seemed to be meant for other people. Jensen's acting in the last two episodes was giving us "DEAN RECIPROCATES" but no one ever actually saying it. I think it's clear that Dean was killed for being Bi. They didn't address it for a reason, they just silenced him. His narrative was supposed to be about letting him be HIM for the first time, to say what his feelings are instead of having them miscommunicated, and instead of doing that, they just silenced him. And the more we look at this scene the more horrific it gets. The more it's a complete slap in the face and it's supposed to be. Some guy who knows nothing about the LGBT can't write a scene this horrific.

Some guy who knows nothing about Dean couldn't write a scene that deconstructs all of Dean's character development and gives Dean his worst nightmare. I MEAN DEAN WANTED TO LIVE HIS LIFE! THEY DIDNT HIDE THAT JOB APPLICATION (or whatever job related thing that was) IN THERE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SITUATION. Dean isn't Barney from HIMYM. If you watched HIMYM then you'll know Barney went from being a stereotypical ladies man and treating women terribly to being in love with a women and treating her right and working hard for it. The last episode of HIMYM (why its so bad) Barney's character development is thrown out and he's back to being a stereotypical ladies man. You don't need to know Barney's character very much to do that.

To kill Dean during a hunt his father never finished, to not have anyone at his funeral, to have Dean die young like his life didn't matter. Those are Dean's worst fears and you'd only truly know that if you watched the gin episode in s3, where they are basically laid out for you. You HAVE to know Dean's character to tear him apart like this.

This episode took all the core elements of the show and did a complete 180° the name of the episode itself is "Carry on" and Dean and Sam very much did not carry on. Sam grieving his entire life so that he good get to heaven and see Dean again. Dean being ready to live his life, despite the enormous pitfalls and learning to love himself only to be killed. "Family don't end with blood." Um.... it did in that episode either literally with Dean's death or you know BECAUSE NONE OF THEIR FOUND FAMILY WAS THERE. Not Jack, Not Cas, Not Eileen, Not Donna, Not Charlie, Not Jody, Not Claire... on and on we go. No one was there, nobody was even mentioned. Dean's funeral, no one even called that we know of. It was just Sam and Dean. Sam and Dean. And Bobby. Don't forget Bobby. But yeah Sam and Dean.

That's what the show is about right, the brothers.

Except it's not anymore. It hasn't been for years.

Cas not being there was deafening but it brought us to a major point. Becky. Becky's telling us about the terrible ending.

And many of us are wondering why would they literally tell us this is the worst ending and then... make it the ending.

Now before we move on, it very apparent many of you think Dabb doesn't ship Deancas. And Dabb doesn't care about the characters.

Say what you will about any plot holes in his writing, the point he is VERY GOOD at writing the characters, and giving us good ones.

Why do we know Dabb ships Deancas? (ill say when its cowrote, other wise its not) cowrote ep 8.02 - purgatory "I prayed to you, Cas, every night" "Cas, Buddy, I need you." "I have a price on my head, and I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you." 8.08 Hunteri Heroici - Cas helps them hunt! 😊❤ Dean & Cas have a serious convo about why Cas doesn't want to see/go to heaven. 8.22 Dean's mad at Cas. Sam's explanation of why Dean should be easy on Cas: "It's Cas." Dean then points out how he'd knife anybody else if they did what Cas did. 9.10 - Cas comforts Dean when Dean can't take seeing Sam (Gadreel) being tortured anymore. Also tons of Cas. 9.20 (bloodlines) - Canonical couple parallel "I was there, where were you" 9.22 The angels make Cas choose between them and killing Dean and he "gave up an entire army for one guy" 10.09 Claire's reintroduction. Cas heavy ep. DeanCas date. 10.22 THE PRISONER - u know the ep where Dean beats the shit out of Cas but loves him enough to not kill him.

We COULD keep going but I think I've made my point. If Robert Singer is the guy that is like "the show is about Sam and Dean only" Andrew Dabb is the DeanCas shipper. And you could even say a Cas stan.

Notice! How in s13 for SEVEN episodes we have a story that revolves around Dean's grief about losing Cas. Notice! How often the stories in all these seasons have a focus on their relationship. THAT is Andrew Dabb. If it weren't for him doing that, we wouldn't be able to easily say after Dean's lack of a response to Cas' confession, that Dean reciprocates.

To me, when I was (binge) watching s12 for the first time, I thought damn this is really got a lot of DeanCas. So I went to look at who was in charge, who was writing. I saw Andrew Dabb, associated him with Deancas episodes, saw all the new writers, Bobo, and then I saw that Yockey is known for same sex stories and it clicked. Dabb assembled a team to give us Destiel. THAT WAS IN SEASON 12!!!!!!!!

The amount of people saying he's homophobic flabbergast me. Open your eyes! That isn't what's going on.

Imagine making a show and trying to right all the wrongs of Supernatural. Imagine trying to write the greatest love story ever told and you have the entire season planned out for it to end off beautifully, it may possibly be your greatest achievement when it's done and then boom. someone comes in and tells you you aren't allowed to make Dean bi or make destiel endgame, after he was most probably already given the go ahead.

Sure. You could imply he's bi or into cas still in a way. Still make nice-ish ending. just give everyone what the kinda want.

Or you could scrap the last season, nothing close to a canonical bisexual Dean Winchester or Deancas endgame in site. People can be done with it be happy with the show, continue to live their lives in ignorance as to how close they were to Canon destiel.

OR you can lead everyone to the very closest you can get them to what you were aiming for and then show everyone the ugly truth and reality. Light it all on fire. Burn the show to the ground in your wake. Try your darnedest to making these people's (the people saying no) pockets suffer. Show us, the audience, what happened. Show us what this show really is.

I've seen people talk about the ending being changed during covid but I dont think that happened. I think what happened was Dabb already had this season planned out before it even started. Obviously the details were wobbly but it was all lead up to this ending. Destiel endgame, Canon Bisexual Dean, whatever it was. They were ready to write the greatest love story ever told and then someone shut it down.

Imagine the pain that must have caused them to be told no when they already said yes. They must have been so excited to give this to us.

I think someone (some producers) told him what this show is "really" about. The brothers. Can you imagine, after being told no, some kinda bullshit like this is said to you: "Why aren't you bringing it back to the brothers, Andrew? that's what the shows about. What with all this homosexual stuff, you know the audience won't like that. Not really." Imagine the original producers pushing this kind of view on you. "You know when we started it was Sam and Dean. It should end with Sam and Dean." That kinda sounds like someone huh? huh.

So why give us a nice acceptable finale, when you can take every problem Supernatural's had either up front or behind the scenes and create a finale so incredibly bad that people don't want to watch it anymore.

Someone made a good point about how Sam was originally supposed to be the main focus (this isn't to put any hate on Sam or Jared). Dean and Sam are the main characters but Sam was supposed to be the focus and for Dean to have become the focus, must have annoyed the producers because... well here we are. They wouldn't listen to Jensen. The producers liked this ending. Jensen's opinion didn't matter to them.

In some ways, if this is really what happened, it can be seen as childish from Dabb. To hurt all of us like that. Yes, he's hurting the producers, the execs, the cw. But to hurt us? Yeah it stings.

But in other ways, if this is really what happened, this is Dabb showing us the muck and gunk under the shiny surface. The hate for Misha. The hidden hate for Jensen. The underlying sexism. The underlying homophobia. The people REALLY in charge don't care about us, they just want our money. He needed to open our eyes and free us, at least free the people that he was writing for. The people he sees that care about this show.

This is the ending the powers that be wanted and its a big fuck you for a reason. I dont think this is Dabb spitting in our faces for loving this show, I think this is him trying to get revenge for us.

But from here, you can see it how u want it. If this is really what happened, I'm not in charge of your emotions, if you wanna be mad be mad if you wanna be grateful be grateful. And you don't have to believe me either I said this is speculation.

Also, as for all of the rumors like there being shots to the confession scene that we didn't see, which Jensen himself implied, I think that might have been a last ditch effort to canonized DeanCas but obviously it was cut. Like the name change was pretty clear. As for Misha possibly having shot some stuff for 20 I dont know what to tell you. If it's true I dont know where the blame would lie.

I do think however, that if all this was the case, the writers were prepared to become villians here. I mean they told us the writers were villians with Chuck right? So. Who knows what went down so they could give us such a vile ending. It could've been the producers or the writers, who truly knows. I do think tho that people we "trust" did some pretty shitty things to push the narrative in certain directions so now one would see this as the actual ending that was coming.

So again do with my SPECULATION what you will. This was in no way meant to put Dabb on a pedestal or anything. Just meant to give a bit of perspective.

(Also Jensen didn't unfollow Dabb recently he was already unfollowed for years)

#15x20 wank #spn finale wank #spn finale meta #15x20 meta #Andrew Dabb #spn #supernatural #castiel #dean winchester #destiel #deancas #misha collins #jensen ackles #long post #sorry im on mobile #this is the longest post i have ever writen

565 notes · View notes

finaledenialist · 3 years

Note

Not to be that person, but watching season 7 Dean admit that he's suicidal after Cas' death (plus post-cage Sam's issues) really makes you think about his 'chosen' death by rusty nail huh...

warnings: su*cide is discussed here

I must admit I don’t remember exactly how it went in season 7 for Dean: I know he was spiraling and he even admitted to Eliot Ness that he would give up hunting if he could, there was also Bobby’s death and all BUT

yes, if I, for the sake of this discussion, pretend that the finale exist, then the only way I could make sense of it is Dean jumping on the first case that presented itself after Jack didn’t bring back Cas after bringing back everyone else with maybe not a plan, but a hope? A whatever will happen will happen attitude?

Because Dean probably assumed that:

if bringing Cas back was possible Jack would have done this the second he brought back anyone else (because it was Jack for god’s sake, and Jack loved Cas);

if Jack, the new God, the most powerful being in the world, couldn’t bring Cas back then it must have meant that bringing him back it’s just simply impossible;

if it’s 100% impossible and Cas will never be back... Well we all have seen season 13, right?

So, the case presents itself, some stupid vampires, whatever. Dean kills some of them, sure, but he lacks the spark that he has always had, he lacks motivation because what is there to fight for, what is there to live for anymore, right? What is the point? Add his lifelong issues to that and when he saw the opportunity to just... go AND make it look like an accident (because he knew Sam would have been wrecked if he figured out that Dean did this on purpose), he just let it happen.

He even went further than that: he prevented Sam from calling help when he didn’t die immediately, he used Sam’s shock and panicked response to focus on him, he gives him a speech about living and you go Sam, live your life, be happy, quit this hunting stuff and all.

In some tragic, twisted way at the very least that interpretation makes it Dean’s choice (a tragic choice and a terrible wrong message to send to the fans of the show, of course but a choice nevertheless): he stopped believing his life has a point, he just didn’t want to do this anymore, he was tired, he lost faith that he could ever be happy here (or at least the very little of this faith that he started to develop) and he thought that there is nothing worth fighting for anymore. And Sam will be fine, because he is different, he always had more faith and he is a grown ass man who, Dean realized somewhere along the way, doesn’t need him anymore the way he needed him almost all his life.

In a way Dean broke free from John’s orders to protect Sam with his own life (he couldn’t break free from this in life, on earth - this is established in canon, because 15 years have passed and in Dean’s mind Sam was always his little brother, dying was his tragic way of ending that cycle); and who knows: maybe he also hoped that he will meet Cas in the afterlife, because he surely wasn’t going to reunite with him in this life. But most probably he just wanted some god damn peace and to be free of all the responsibilities and of the life centered around killing and hunting, because this life is beyond miserable and he stopped perceiving himself as his dad’s killing machine because of what Cas said to him, but if he stayed alive he wouldn’t stop hunting and killing, he knew that living without it for him was just impossible, this was another pattern/cycle he wasn’t able to break while alive (he almost succeeded with Lisa, but the life eventually caught up to him, he also didn’t know another way to live than centering it around hunting and helping people).

Plus, he must have thought he was already too old to look for someone new to be in a relationship with and he must have known that

no one will know him as well as Cas and he wanted to be known, he wanted to be seen because we all want someone to know us and love us despite everything; what’s even more important though, Cas knew him without Dean actually telling him anything (and Dean sucks at talking), he could read him, he knew his soul, he could sense how Dean was feeling and if something was wrong without Dean having to talk about it; Cas saw him at his absolute worst (as a torturer in Hell) and decided to save him and help him and ultimately fell for him and in love with him; like, Dean must have known, even in his repressed 42 year old heart, that no one could ever compare to that, because no one could ever see and know him like that, because it was just impossible.

meeting someone new gave two options: a) unloading all of his life history to another person, risking being rejected, risking repeating this with a lot of people until he - and that is a maybe - finally found someone, b) pretending he was someone else (even if, hypothetically, Dean would get together with some other hunter who knew the lifestyle and heard legends about Dean), bottling everything up like he did all his life - and that choice ultimately also sucked.

So, having analyzed that he probably thought that it’s just not worth trying, you know. He also probably thought he was already older than he ever thought he would be, imagine how tired Dean must have been, and he just lost his, ‘reason to get up in the morning’. He spent the same amount of time on earth as in hell, in a way his soul was 80 years old. This man was mentally exhausted. But because he was still, somehow, full of love, instead of shooting himself in the head or driving off a cliff he decided, for the sake of his brother, to make it look like a hunt accident, one that he has talked about for years (that this would probably be his ending, it wouldn’t look suspicious, especially after he acts like the happiest person in the world on this Pie Festival or whatever that was), one that would even maybe have the effect of Sam leaving the hunting life and maybe making one more attempt at having a normal life.

Of course, none of that would happen if Cas was just brought back, because he was Dean’s cure to everything, and after that confession? Dean wouldn’t let go of Castiel’s hand, ever. Cas was his rock, solid. Of course this is a toxic thing to depend your life on someone else (you should learn to be your own happiness, accept yourself and so on, yes), but life is not perfect and we’re talking about a mentally ill person who found his light and a reason to go on in someone else, in someone who loved them unconditionally, which could, for them, be the first big step on self-recovery, and that person was brutally taken away from them.

For Dean, learning that Cas loving him and him being Castiel’s happiness was what ultimately got Cas dead?! This was one of Dean’s biggest fear, it hit right home, it was ‘I let down every god forsaken thing I care about’ and ‘The moment Cas laid a hand on you he was lost’ and ‘I am poison’ becoming his self-fulfilling prophecy. It crushed him.

I just hate that this makes sense.

#ask #anon #suicide tw #mental illness tw #dean studies #spn finale #Anonymous

147 notes · View notes

aelysianmuse · 4 years

Text

DESTIEL FIC REC

Okay, so, fanfiction is something that has brought me so much joy, entertainment and comfort during these hard times. These are the Destiel fics that I have bookmarked and would suggest for everyone to read. They are top notch in every department and I’ve read each and every multiple times. I wrote them down from the lowest word count to the highest and I linked the authors to their tumblr accounts, whenever I could find them, so please go shower them with love!

Touchstone - by xylodemon - Words: 3,519 - Summary: "You're in pain," Cas says finally. He sounds sad. (Episode tag for 11x03, the one where Dean is hurt but doesn’t think he deserves Cas healing him. Cas disagrees and makes heals him in loveliest, most tender way. Everything is beautiful.)

Colette - by englandwouldfall - Words: 4,218 - Summary: Cain’s prediction keeps ringing in his ears. He’s going to kill Crowley, then Cas, then Sam. It makes sense to him. He hates how much sense it makes, but there’s something almost poetic about it; it’s circular, neat, the Mark wants it. The Mark wants to destroy everything, but most of all it wants to destroy Dean. And that would do it. (Episode tag 10x14, Dean struggling with the Mark, unable to deal with all the anger and urge to kill and Cas trying to be his savior Collette. Feelings are acknowledged but things are far more complicated than that.)

Newton’s Third - by felolle - Words: 6,220 - Summary: “How can I be running from something when I’m racing toward it?” “I dunno -- kinda your thing.” Thanks for the call out, little brother (Episode tag 14x03, Cas helping Dean deal with Michael possession. Awesome character portrayal!)

Take me home tonight - by persephoneshadow - Words: 8,111 - Summary: The one where Cas wants to have sex and Dean is there to help (It’s a PWP where it takes some jealousy for Dean to get his head out of his ass - and Cas knows exactly what he’s doing)

Boys on film - by loversantiquities - Words: 8,540 - Summary: But maybe that’s what it is—maybe Castiel’s finally realized something Dean is too chicken to admit, despite the fact he’s been jerking off to the idea of Castiel fucking him for the past few weeks. The idea warms him as much as it pains him to think about, his friend not being able to talk to him about something like that. That has to be it—it’s the only explanation. Castiel likes him.“Or maybe he knows you do cam shows.”Dean chokes on his burger. (Basically Dean does cam-shows, Cas knows. They get it on in the end.)

Cuckoo and Nest - by komodobits - Words: 10, 190 - Summary: For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental.It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. (Boys walking on eggshells around each other, Castiel mistaking Dean’s neatness for annoyance about Cas’s lack of thereof, Dean mistaking Cas’s apprehension for having one foot out of the door. Miscommunication that gets resolved. It’s delightful!)

Just turn around and go - by Porcupinegirl - Words: 11,320 - Summary: Dean should be happy. His best friend and housemate of five years, Castiel, is moving out to live with his boyfriend, Balthazar. Dean's career is going great, so he can easily afford the house on his own now. This is just growing up, moving forward to the next phase of their lives.It would be awesome, if he weren't in love with Cas. (Some angst and miscommunication among roomies who are in love but needed a little push to finally do something about it, and that push is Cas deciding to move out and live with his actual boyfriend. Things work out just fine.)

So glad we made it - by annie d (scaramouche) - Words: 16,421 - Summary: At twelve years old, Dean makes a friend, who becomes his best friend, who will eventually become the love of his life. (Destiel fic in which they know each other since childhood and take their sweet-ass time with admitting to each other that they’re otp: meant to be. But it happens. Timeline of little snippets that show them falling in love and owning that shit up, at last!)

I know who I want to take me home- by annodominique - Words: 17,548 - Summary: The one where Dean and Cas are new workmates who hate each other's guts, are somehow forced into driving each other crazy because they secretly want to fuck, and they might have fallen in love with each other in the process. (Lots of sexual tension, mutual pining and enemies to lovers storyline - all in a nursing home. It’s amazing and absolutely heartwarming.)

Welcome to humanity - by winnywriter - Words: 19,944 - Summary: Castiel is falling, slowly but surely becoming fully human. Every day there is something new to discover, and many of those discoveries are not wholly pleasant ones. And the whole time, Dean can't help but worry about the fact that the further the angel falls, the more he finds he likes the human Cas is becoming. (It’s exactly what the summary says it is. Moments of Castiel slowly becoming human and Dean trying to help him navigate that path while navigating it himself in the most Dean way possible)

On air - by wincechesters - Words: 21,219 - Summary: Cas and Dean are radio DJs who host the second most popular morning show in Lawrence. They’ve been co-hosts for years at different stations across the country, and they own a house together out of necessity, even though they’re just friends. But for some reason, a lot of their listeners and even some of their friends and family seem to think that they’re secretly in some kind of relationship, which they’re totally not (besides that one time that totally doesn’t count). In spite of that, Dean thinks he’s got everything figured out, until an ill-fated on air game of Truth or Dare turns everything upside down (and the billboards around town aren’t helping either). (Friends to lovers story that’s very well summarized, so I have nothing to add except that it’s such a wonderful read, this author is absolutely amazing and you should definitely read it.)

The Beach House in the Winter - by englandwouldfall - Words: 23,715 - Summary: They're not exactly in a good place right now, so it was probably a bad idea to agree to a full Milton family reunion at their old summer haunt to mark a year since Cas' father died.Obviously, he did it anyway. (This is a second part of a series, I absolutely suggest reading all of the works ‘cause they’re equally wonderful, but I read this one first and individually and loved it the most so I’m suggesting it. Look at tag warnings. It’s about Dean having panic attacks mid sex due to trauma, Castiel trying to treat him right and handle the situation properly. They love each other so much ugh)

There are many things - by imogenbynight - Words: 28,807 - Summary: In which Dean and Castiel learn, through trial and error, how to be together. (What starts out as an angsty fic that follows Cas’s human experience after Dean kicked him out of the bunker, turns into a Destiel falling in love fic as they find their way back to one another)

Sometimes it fits - by ballsdeepinwinchesters - Words: 37,720 - Summary: Castiel is an over-worked, socially awkward neurosurgeon; Dean is the ruggedly handsome paramedic that asks him out for drinks. The rest kind of fell into place. (Two hotties with busy work schedules having lots of sex and being domestic. It’s a lot of fluff and smut. No angst.)

Put up your dukes - by saltyfeathers - Words: 38, 282 - Summary: Dean can't sleep. Cas offers to tire him out. (Dean struggling to accept the sexual tension relief Castiel is oh-so-eager to offer. So much tension, sparring goodness and bed sharing.)

All’s well that ends well - englandwouldfall - Words: 52,326 - Summary: Dean knew the second he took off that he shouldn't have left, but that didn't mean he could have guessed what he'd be coming back home to. (It’s actually a part 4 of the series, and I do suggest reading the entire series, but I read it first and individually before even realizing this and I absolutely loved it nonetheless. It’s about both Dean and Cas having made some poor choices in the past, abandonment and infidelity and two of them loving each other so much that they’re willing to forgive and fight for each other no matter what. Angsty and beautiful.)

A midterms night’s dream - by englandwouldfall - Words: 75,756 - Summary: There's at least fifteen good reasons why they're not sleeping together, it's just that Dean can’t remember them when Cas sends him one second dirty snapchats to goad him into doing the dishes. (One of my absolutely favorite fics and one of my top 3 fic authors (does a lot of series, which gets you really emotionally invested!). I suggest you read literally every single Destiel story written by this author, ‘cause it’s consistent in character portrayal and in invoking emotional response and I’ll probably explicitly write down at least one more story that I particularly liked from them. This one’s about them being college roomates who’re basically oblivious to sharing sentiment of wanting to be in relationship with the other, so they pine emotionally while having exceptional we-are-strictly-fuck-buddies sex)

Version 2.0 - by elizabeth1985 - Words: 75,937 - Summary: Life is nothing but a series of processes. We rise, we work, we function within the walls we’ve designed for ourselves. Dean Winchester does not deviate from this system. Heavily tattooed and a certified genius; Dean necessitates control. Relationships are a no-go. Too messy, unpredictable. And yeah, he knows having casual sex with his best friend, roommate, and business partner is a dumbass move. But Cas’ suggestion is impossible to resist.What Dean doesn’t expect and couldn’t possibly predict is the unique way Cas manages to shut down his mile-a-minute mind, giving him a level of inner peace he’d thought to be unattainable.What starts out of convenience morphs into a dynamic emotional slide neither of them were prepared for, forcing them to decide what they’re willing to risk. (Cas and Dean being business partners turning to fuck buddies turning to mutually pining idiots, where Cas won’t let things progress further ‘cause Dean is so entwined in every single aspect of his life that he’s absolutely terrified to lose it all. But Dean makes an effort to show him otherwise!) + It’s hard to fool around in a tent (Words: 5,861)

Any little heartbreak - by followthattardis - Words: 76,897 - Summary: Dean Winchester knows everything there is to know about the human heart. Well. Anatomically speaking. (Very Grey’s Anatomy-y, Dean is a thriving cardiosurgeon, Cas is his new surgical nurse assistant, there are so many well written characters, so much gossip, gratuitous sex and eventually a relationship. It’s so lovely, ugh I love this writer.)

A crash course in computer safety - by followthattardis - Words: 85,269 - Summary: On the day of his 29th birthday, Dean receives an email from his old nemesis: Michael Milton, the guy who got him kicked out of college and stole his girlfriend. The email contains encoded images with top secret CIA/NSA intelligence – and now their only copy is in Dean’s brain. Both agencies send their best operatives – Castiel Novak and Victor Henriksen respectively – to handle their accidental asset and protect the invaluable data in his head. To justify their sudden appearance in Dean’s life, they adopt covers: Victor as Dean’s new co-worker and neighbor, Cas as his new boyfriend. Needless to say, Dean’s brother and his girlfriend are thrilled to see him in a relationship they believe to be real. Clearly, there’s no way this could go wrong. (This is a NBC: Chuck AU and one of my top 3 fics ever. I haven’t watched Chuck at all and regardless of whether you have or not, I don’t wanna write anything else in this section ‘cause I enjoyed discovering every bit of information on my own. I’ve literally taken this fic and studied/analyzed it as a writer myself to take pointers on accurate character portrayal and writing style. It’s book material, I’d literally buy anything this author writes. It’s becoming a series and more content is to come so I suggest subscribing.) + Curtain up (Words: 10,311)

La hantise (The only work in progress fic here) - by quiettewandering - Words: 87,468 - Summary: Castiel’s mother dies, leaving him the family home that sits abandoned on the moody coast of Maine. He’s forced to return to the past ghosts of his trauma, as well as meeting the mysterious and nomadic Dean Winchester. Dean offers to help Castiel fix up the house so he can sell it, which quickly becomes problematic as Castiel begins to develop feelings for Dean; especially when details of Dean’s troubling past come to light.This is a story about the sea, second chances, and two broken, forgotten people building a love between them while restoring a broken, forgotten house. (Romance, ghosts, house renovation, cliffhangers, angst - I am awful with WP’s, never read them till they’re done ‘cause I’m an impatient one but this is the one I couldn’t resist and thoroughly enjoy)

Ignore the butterflies: best friend advice from Dean Winchester - by impatient14 - Words: 114,837 - Summary: Dean likes his doctor, but his doctor doesn’t like him.Accidental friendship ensues, heartwarming bonding type moments occur, and oops!friends become best!friends.But best friends aren’t supposed to feel the way Dean feels about Castiel. He knows this. So he ignores all the things that he can’t help feeling. When he sits and watches a movie with his best friend or when they are arguing about which method of coffee brewing is best, he pointedly doesn’t look at his friends lips, or the adorable way he tilts his head when he doesn’t understand.Dean ignores his feelings.That’s the way he knows how to keep his best friend.Just ignore the butterflies. (Dean is a heroic firefighter who ends up in stand-offish Castiel’s ER and flirts mercilessly with him, but to no avail. Cas is not made of stone, though, he’s just trying to protect his little heart ‘cause Dean does scary heroic things. It’s super emotional, go read it.)

Keeping you in sight - by gingerswag - Words: 136,374 - Summary: Castiel valued his solitude, and was happy to stay hidden away in the mountains for the rest of his life. But when his seeing eye dog dies, that solitude is suddenly broken when Gabriel shows up not with another dog but an actual human slave. Castiel doesn't believe in slavery, but he can't turn away the very hurt and broken man he's given. (This is a slavery fic, look up the tag warnings! It’s extremely angsty, it has a very human and rational ending which not might satisfy those looking for a conclusive, expressed fairytale ending for these two. It’s about Dean having gone through a lot of trauma and Cas being extremely lonely and two of them trying to mend each other while going through an excruciatingly painful healing process. I don’t think I can summarize it in a way that envelops everything that happens in this fic - it’s a tougher read but absolutely wonderfully written and very angsty)

Stay with me, sweetheart - by mandalarose - Words: 142,926 - Summary: A single moment's distraction ends with a serious car accident that leaves Castiel trapped in his vehicle. Fortunately for him, fire fighter Dean Winchester is there, never leaving Castiel's side as the rest of his company work to free him from the mangled remains of his SUV.When the two meet again in the ICU, Castiel finds himself just as drawn to and comforted by the handsome fireman as he was during his accident. Dean is certainly attractive, but single father Castiel doesn't have time or space in his life for a romantic relationship.Then again, there's no harm in making a new friend, is there? (Dean is so whipped, so is Cas but he tries really hard not to get invested ‘cause everyone leaves and it’s not a commodity he can afford now that he’s got a baby. Thankfully for him, Dean is all-in kind of guy who’s gonna make all the right choices, one after another, fighting to show Cas that he can have what he desires and deserves, even after multiple attempts of Cas’s to push him away. Love conquers all!)

Four Letter Word for Intercourse - by bendingsignpost - Words: 194,739 - Summary: As a grease monkey turned college freshman, Dean's constantly three seconds away from being stressed out of his mind. It hardly helps that he's finally figuring out his sexuality in his thirties.What might help with that stress is a little phone number (and a big credit card bill). If he can't figure out how to be bisexual in person, he can at least give it a go over the phone, right? (I think I probably read this story a hundred times. Fantastically written fic where Dean is a student discovering his sexuality through a phone sex line, struggling with having to take over family business and Cas is a professor with a sidejob, with whom Dean interacts wordlessly at the library. It tackles on mental health, on wonderful sex dynamics, coming out and lots of other stuff. It’s one of the best writen fics out there, along with the other works in this series that I highly suggest to read: A Little Anal - Words: 18,805 and What makes a man kneel - Words: 9,920)

#destiel #deancas #supernatural #destiel fic #destiel fic rec

184 notes · View notes

eilonwiiy · 5 years

Text

Bookends ; a Witchlands AU

Summary: Iseult det Midenzi never expected to go to a top university, so when her mother falls ill and she is forced to drop out to make ends meet, life has never seemed so unfair. But when she starts working at the local library and is unexpectedly assigned in the Children's Room, a certain monosyllabic man and his thrice-damned demon child start showing up and Iseult begins to wonder if the threads of fate have a plan for her after all.

Ships: Iseult/Aeduan, Safi/Merik, minor Ryber/Kullen (and more... stay tuned!)

Tags: modern AU, college setting, family, friendship, humor, fluff, slow-burn, romance, eventual smut

Read on AO3: here

Tag list: (please let me know if you’d like to be added!) @lseultdetmidenzi

* . * . * . * .

chapter 1

811.34 Courrier

811.34 Gaines

811.34 Vasiliev

Iseult reached for another book from the cart. She ran a pale finger along its spine, noting the title vaguely, before settling on the call number at its base.

813.01 Balthazar

Her gaze lifted to the long line of books shelved in front of her, scanning for one in particular, before bending low and craning her neck to read the next row underneath. A twinge of discomfort radiated through her neck protesting the awkward angle, but she stayed hunched over, reading the call numbers until she found what she was looking for.

813 Allein

813.2 Husmond

Ah. She slipped Balthazar’s book neatly between the two titles, then drew herself up with a tired slowness. Stifling a sigh, she rolled her shoulders and let her head loll back before rotating it from side to side. Standing upright was decidedly more comfortable than the 90 degree angle she’d bent in and out of all throughout the day, but no amount of stretching seemed to ease the ache in her neck and back. An unavoidable caveat of working at the Venaza City Library.

Five months ago when she’d taken the job, Iseult det Midenzi had not considered the physical toll books could have on a person. Sure, she had read Eridysi’s Lament enough times to know books could break your heart worse than any one person could. But books existed to exercise the mind. The most Iseult had exerted herself for a book was forcing herself to stay awake long enough to read just one more chapter a dozen or so times before resigning herself to being a filthy liar. And that was admittedly more a testament to her mental willpower than any physical endurance she may have possessed. Besides, the price she paid for a sleepless night was well worth the reward. It certainly didn’t leave her physically disabled.

Yet here she was, 22 and condemned to live in the body of a 90-year-old woman. All because she shelved books for a living.

Safi told her she’d have the ass of a model by the time she quit, what with all the squatting. Iseult had yet to notice any improvements. (Not that she was checking, of course.)

Maybe it really was time to go back to the gym, she thought as she massaged the painful knot at the base of her neck. Finally start going to yoga again like her best friend had been nagging her to do every Saturday morning since school term had started. A year ago it would have been Iseult dragging Safi out of bed at 7 A.M., succeeding only by using the one means of bribery she possessed: the promise of a double chocolate double whip hazelnut macchiato from the campus coffee cart, followed by a hash brown heist from the dining hall. Nothing quite curbed a sugar rush more than an adrenaline rush and some grease.

Iseult dropped her hand. The spot on her neck faded into a dull throb at the thought of her and Safi running from the dining hall, pockets stuffed with hash browns wrapped in napkins and a breakfast sandwich fisted in each hand, while cafeteria staff shouted after them as they escaped with their spoils.

No. She hadn’t stepped foot on campus since she dropped out. She wasn’t about to now. And not just because she and Safi now had copies of their student I.D. photos posted on the community board in the dining hall asking students to keep an eye out for the notorious thieves.

Drop out. There wasn’t an aspect of her life that didn’t seem to revolve around those two words. She could hear Safi scolding her.

“Don’t say that! ‘Drop out’,” she'd said one evening while they closed up her uncles’ coffee shop shortly after Iseult had made the decision. “You didn’t drop out of anything. You made a graceful exit. To do something more noble than any of those old toads sitting cushy in the administration have likely ever done, might I add! They should consider themselves lucky that you’ll even be coming back!”

Iseult fingered through the books on her cart. Well. That had been back in September. It was now January, the first week of second semester had just wrapped up and Safi had changed tactics. Instead, she ranted about how the collegiate system was the world’s biggest scam, squeezing their generation of every last drop of money and happiness they had, and that she should drop out too just to have the satisfaction in giving Dean Henrick a big FUCK YOU. It was a touching offer, though, not exactly the most ambitious plot for revenge. Safi was running on a free ride. Henrick’s deep pockets wouldn’t be any lighter if she left. He’d still be sitting pretty on the proverbial throne.

“Iseult.”

Iseult looked up to see Evrane gliding down the aisle towards her, thoughts of school and Safi interrupted. As always she was impeccably dressed, from the silver dangling from her ears all the way down to the perfectly polished stilettos she wore. Her long white hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail, leaving her bronze face bare, radiant even under the library’s miserable lighting - a feat aided by sorcery, Iseult could only assume. It was a wonder what patrons must think of her roaming the halls, what with her pale moon skin and midnight hair. She looked more like the ghost that was rumored to haunt the library tower.

But Evrane wasn’t the library’s director for her otherworldly cheekbones or dazzling emerald eyes. She was also the sharpest person Iseult had ever met and someone she couldn’t believe she had the privilege of calling a mentor.

Iseult hastily tugged off her earbuds. “Hi Evrane.” Her voice cracked; sshe cringed inwardly. She hadn’t spoken a word to anyone during her 8 hour shift. Evrane didn’t seem to notice.

“How are you, dear?” Evrane asked. She nodded to Iseult’s cart of books. “Tackling the nonfiction, I see.”

“Good,” Iseult replied, this time willing her voice to sound normal. “I’m almost done with the nonfiction, and then I have some books I need to bring down to Children’s. I think someone may have mixed up the carts. My shift ends soon, but I could stick around to shelve them. There aren’t too many but...” She trailed off watching Evrane shake her head, as though amused.

“That won’t be necessary,” she said, then adding, “Pleased as I am with your progress, I was actually wondering how you were doing… How was your trip home?”

Iseult stared blank-face at Evrane. She should have expected this. Evrane had taken to Iseult from the moment they’d met, always seeking her out between bookshelves, pulling her aside to talk about the latest book Iseult was reading or simply inviting her back to her office to join her for tea. Secretly, Iseult was pleased. To have a woman like Evrane be genuinely interested in what Iseult had to say… well. It was more than she could have dared to hope for.

Which was exactly why couldn’t help asking herself, why?

Iseult never did come up with an explanation for why Evrane hired her in the first place. She could only assume the woman had done it out of pity. Her resume had been woefully thin to the point of being downright pathetic with only her part-time barista gig at Mathew and Habim’s coffee shop to her name. She had no other achievements. No special skills. And of course, now, no academic prospects to boast. Iseult had nothing to offer.

And yet... here Evrane was asking the one question Iseult wished she wouldn’t.

Home was the same as always. Saldonica never changed. It was still the grimy, cut-throat city it had always been, with its streets teeming with crime and illegal trade. That was the accepted way of life there. But it didn’t phase Iseult. She never really considered it home anyway. She hadn’t grown up there. There was only one thing, one person, who made Saldonica home.

Her mother. The true subject of Evrane’s inquiry.

So how was she?

Sick. Very sick. And showing little improvement. Though, she’d probably be worse if not for Alma caring for her day and night. If not for the money Iseult sent home each week to ensure she was getting the medication she needed. If not for her mother’s damned stubbornness to shirk life’s more unsavory aspects and persist in the face of uncertain fate. That in itself was likely aiding Gretchya more than Iseult and Alma’s contributions combined.

“Fine,” Iseult said, expression unchanging. It was automatic. Succinct. Gretchya would have approved.

Evrane merely hummed, bowing her head slowly. As though Iseult’s meager reply required deep and philosophical deliberation. “You know,” she continued after a moment, “I know this,” her eyes panned the bookshelves on either side of them, “wasn’t exactly where you expected to be by now. I am sorry your plans to return to school didn’t work out as you had hoped, Iseult… but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I’m happy to have you with us for a little longer.” Evrane raised a hand to Iseult’s arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze, a gesture that should have been comforting, yet only turned Iseult to stone. “If there’s anything I can do to help, my door is always open.”

Iseult tried to nod. Swallowing suddenly became painful. Speech, impossible. Mercifully, Evrane let go of her arm and changed the subject.

“Now tell me, where is that cart you were talking about?”

“O-oh you d-don’t have to -” Iseult stammered. She immediately snapped her mouth shut. Hell-gates, did she have to stutter like that now? In front of Evrane!

The woman seemed to take no notice and simply waved a hand. “I am the director of this institution, am I not? I think I am more than capable of handling a couple books.”

“By circulation,” Iseult forced out. Evrane gave her an appreciative smile, then walked away, her silver circlets tinkling prettily in the quiet of the library.

For a moment, Iseult simply stood there, staring down the aisle where Evrane had left. Eventually, she untangled her earbuds and popped them back in. She opened Spotify on her phone and swiped through the playlist she’d been listening to before Evrane showed up. However, after a few minutes of mindless scrolling, stuffed her phone into her back pocket, abandoning her search. Silence filled her ears.

Iseult grabbed a random book off her cart. She read its cover, though not really taking in the the words, and when she went to find its place on the shelf, it was as though she had not read it at all. This happened with every book she picked up over the next ten minutes, and when she finally forgot the author of The Autonomy of Dalmotti - a book she had personally read at least five times - she finally gave up.

Frustration prickled the back of her throat. Gripping the book tight, she leaned her forehead against the oak bookcase. The smell of old paper filled her nose as she let her eyes to sink shut, breathing in the musty air through her nose. What she would give to fall head-first into a book right now...

Stasis, she told herself. Stasis in your fingers and in your toes.

Gretchya sick.

Stasis.

Evrane. Broken words. Broken.

Stasis.

Drop out. Drop. Out. Drop. Out.

Stasis. Stasis. Stasis.

Over and over again Iseult silently whispered this to herself, until a familiar calm resettled in her chest, until every last thread of emotion was pulled tight. Nothing out of place. She took several more slow, deliberate breaths for good measure, then, she opened eyes.

That’s when she saw them.

Through the narrow opening between shelves, Iseult spied Evrane standing by the circulation desk. But it was who she was speaking with that caught Iseult’s attention.

It hadn’t taken Iseult long to familiarize herself with the people who passed through when she began working at the library. Though Venaza City was largely populated, the library had its regulars, and even those who visited only once in awhile had become catalogued in Iseult’s memory like the books she shelved. In fact, on more than one occasion, she found herself recognizing patrons outside of work - an oddly unpleasant experience. She already spent enough time dodging former college peers whenever she ventured out into the city. They now had competition.

That being said, Iseult knew nearly everyone who came to the library. Except for this man talking to her mentor.

Even from behind, there was something striking about him. He towered over Evrane, his imposing figure standing impossibly still in dark form-fitting jeans and a muddy burgundy leather jacket. Iseult wished he’d turn around so she could see his face. Regardless, two features immediately stood out. Or rather, accessories.

First, a blue, opal earring in his left ear. And second, the child held in his arms.

These two things seemed to clash together in Iseult’s mind. The girl, she guessed, was no more than five. A mop of dark hair obscured most of her face with only a red, chubby cheek visible resting on the man’s shoulder. As for the earring, Iseult wasn’t old-fashioned enough to believe men couldn’t wear jewelry. In fact, depending on the piercing’s style and placement, she found them rather appealing. However, the more closely Iseult looked at the gemstone, the more it called out to her as some sort of statement - and not one of the fashion variety. It lent little to the rest of his dark ensemble and stuck out like a sore thumb. It was too ornate. Too deliberate. Something worn out of habit.

Iseult inched forward, bracing a hand along the edge of the shelf as she watched from her hiding place amongst the books. She knew she was teetering on the edge of polite observation and straight-up creeping, but she was too curious to care. Evrane stood close to the young man, too close for him to be an ordinary patron. And there was something in the way that she looked at him that gave her the impression that she wasn’t simply giving him a book recommendation. Even through the warmth Iseult was so familiar with in her expression, she couldn’t miss the urgency in her eyes. Her lips were moving carefully, and she imagined the melodic gentleness of her voice, the same voice that had spoken to her only moments ago. Soft words only meant for him.

As if on cue, Evrane reached for his arm.

Iseult immediately noticed the mystery man’s shoulders stiffen. It was the first indication of life she’d seen from him during the entire encounter. A pulse ticked in his jaw, the only sliver of his pale face she could see. Evrane had stopped talking, but kept her hand on his arm, her thumb gliding back and forth, and appeared to be listening attentively to the man’s response. But as the seconds dragged on, her eyes - never wavering from his - glimmered with a touch of something new. Sadness, perhaps. Her expression dimmed, and eventually the hand holding his arm stopped moving and returned to her side.

Iseult’s nose was practically brushing the books blocking her from view now. Who was this guy? Evrane had never spoken of family or a significant other. On one occasion, she had mentioned a nephew - something about how he’d just returned home after studying abroad. But other than that, no one else. This couldn’t be him, could it? He had a child with him. A child who - Iseult suddenly realized with a jolt of horror - was staring right at her.

“What are you doing lurking in the shadows?”

The Autonomy of Dalmotti dropped to the floor with a rustle of paper and a soft thump as she whirled around. How her best friend had managed to sneak up on her in the dead silence of the library without her hearing, Iseult didn’t know, but the self-satisfied look Safi was pinning her with made her curse the Moon Mother for turning her momentarily deaf.

“If by lurking you mean shelving books,” Iseult replied smoothly, kneeling down to pick up the fallen book as though nothing had happened, “I’m working. It’s kind of in my job description.”

Safi cocked her head to the side, eyebrow arched. “Is spying on hot guys in your job description? Can’t see his face, but the view from behind is certainly enough to go on.”

Iseult felt a rush of unwanted heat flood her cheeks, but aside from that, her face betrayed nothing. Yes, she had been spying. But not in the way Safi thought, and the idea that she had been caught not only by her best friend, but by that strange little girl made her want to tear every book from the shelf and bury herself underneath them.

“What?” Safi persisted innocently as Iseult turned her back to her. She slipped The Autonomy of Dalmotti between two volumes, not particularly caring whether or not that was where it belonged so long as she didn’t have to see the infuriating smirk on Safi’s face. “I don’t blame you. You can’t be expected to stare at dusty, old books all day - no matter how much you love them.”

“Wanna bet?” Iseult muttered. For all her love of the library, she had thought she’d be back in school by now, trading in its dusty, old books for overpriced textbooks.

“I’d love to. Tonight, in fact. At The Cleaved Man.”

“I - ” Iseult began, but Safi’s hand slashed through the air cutting her off and she pointed a finger in Iseult’s face.

“Don’t say you can’t! I’ve barely seen you all week!”

“As if that’s my fault,” Iseult countered, grabbing another book and the opportunity to turn the tables. The last thing she wanted to do right now was spend the night in an overcrowded bar. “Where were you last night? You never came home.”

Safi picked up a book from Iseult’s cart and examined its cover. “Polly’s.”

Iseult paused mid-shelving. “Leopold’s?”

“Mhm.” Safi opened the book, casually flipping through its pages. Silence stretched. She looked up. “What?”

“I thought you weren’t going to see him again,” Iseult said, watching her friend carefully.

Safi lowered the book and frowned in confusion. “Not see him? What are you - ?” But as soon as the unfinished question left her mouth, Iseult saw the life in her eyes freeze for half a heartbeat, and comprehension slowly dawned on Safi’s face. A second later, her expression hardened. “Hell-gates, Iz! I didn’t mean him.”

Him. Or as he was known as in their apartment, the Chiseled Cheater. To the rest of the world, he was simply Caden. Handsome, strong-jawed, infuriatingly charming Caden.

Safi gave Iseult a disparaging look before snapping shut her own book and stuffing it onto a shelf where - Iseult noted - it should not be. Now wasn’t a good time to be pointing out mistakes. The hard line of her pursed lips may have grown taut like she was fighting to feign indifference, but Iseult knew when her best friend was hurt. And this time, it was her fault. Safi crossed her arms tightly over her chest.

“Like I’d ever,” Safi huffed, tossing her unruly sun-streaked hair over her shoulder, looking anywhere but Iseult. She let out a strained laugh and shook her head as though the thought of her and Caden together was ludicrous - though, it didn’t stop a tinge of pink blossoming across her cheeks. “Spend the night with him. Honestly, Iz. You know we’ve never - I’ve never -”

Pink turned to a vibrant red as she struggled for words before making a disgruntled noise and giving up.

“Sorry,” Iseult murmured, her expression void of all emotion. “I was just worried.”

Safi finally met Iseult’s gaze. The silence of the library was deafening. Then, she shook her head. “It’s fine,” she relented, and Iseult was relieved to hear sincerity in the statement that was universally known to mean the opposite. “I don’t blame you. I mean... he is Polly’s roommate and it’s me so…” Safi’s eyes darted away self-consciously and she took a fortifying breath, arms unwinding from her chest and hands bracing themselves on her hips. When she spoke next, there was no question as to whether or not they were moving on from the subject of the Chiseled Cheater. “By the time we got out of Two Left Feet and grabbed dinner, it was so late that I just ended up crashing at his place.”

“Two Left Feet?” Iseult repeated.

“Modern dance," Safi replied, as though this was the most ordinary explanation in the world.

“Oh.” Iseult wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I didn’t know we had a modern dance company.” Or that Safi was interested in modern dance. “Um, how was it?”

“If that’s what modern dance is, then I’m not sure what I’ve been doing at the club all these years.”

“Two Left Feet.” Iseult paused. Her mouth twitched. “Seems like a counterintuitive name.”

“Ohh no trust me, they hit the mark on that one.”

Any hint of a smile left Iseult’s face. “Please tell me you didn’t heckle them.”

Safi’s hand flew to chest and she gasped. “Heckle? Us? Two purebred members of high society like ourselves? You insult me.”

“Don’t scoff. Last year you two almost single-handedly disassembled Pobody’s Nerfect.”

Safi shrugged half-heartedly. “It was an improv show. It’s supposed to be interactive.”

“You made that freshmen kid cry! I could have sworn I overheard him talking about transferring as we were leaving.”

“Audience participation was encouraged!” argued Safi. “Besides, the fact that we even went to their little dance performance was generous enough. You think I wanted to spend the first Thursday night of the semester watching people roll around on the floor trying to sell it to me as art?”

“Then why did you?”

“We were expanding our horizons?” Iseult rolled her eyes and turned back to her books as Safi laughed. “I don’t know. We were walking around campus after class and saw the sign and I was like, “Well, I have nothing else to do” so -” She stopped suddenly, as though a thought had just thought of something. “Should I have texted you? It didn’t even occur to me that you’d want to go to something like that.”

The concern in the question made Iseult pause… which irked her. The concern or the pause, she couldn’t tell which. Maybe because if she had been on campus with her and Leopold, there wouldn’t be a question of whether she’d have gone. Safi would have dragged her in there whether she liked it or not, and Iseult would have gone along with whatever Safi wanted to do as she always did - good idea or not. Modern dance would have been decidedly not. That never stopped Safi, though. Or Iseult.

“No,” Iseult simply answered.

Safi nodded, and though it was almost imperceptible, Iseult saw her lips purse, like she wasn’t entirely convinced. “Next time,” she only promised.

“There’s going to be a next time?”

“You never know.” Safi’s sea-blue eyes flashed mischievously. “Come on, I’ll show you a couple moves I learned at the Cleaved Man.” She gyrated her hips for emphasis, causing Iseult to look away embarrassed on her behalf. This only prompted Safi to bump Iseult’s hip with her own.

“Saf, I wasn’t kidding before,” Iseult insisted, stumbling over her feet as Safi went in for a second, more forceful hip check. “I really can’t -”

“Hey, you owe me after that comment about Chiseled Cheater!”

“30 seconds ago you were saying that I was right!” Really, the grudges this girl could hold. Iseult almost felt sorry for Caden.

Safi heaved a wistful sigh. “You know, if I could come keep you company at work, I would.”

“I’d never get anything done,” Iseult said, gesturing the pile of untouched books on the cart between them.

“Right. As if I’m the one distracting you, you little stalker.”

“I wasn’t -” Iseult began to protest, but Safi was already backing away down the aisle, doing what had to be the world’s worst attempt at the moonwalk.

“I’ll be warming up the car!” Safi whisper hissed, rattling her car keys in the air for emphasis. When she reached the end of the aisle, she spun around on the spot theatrically, and then she was gone.

Iseult shook her head after her ridiculous, wonderful best friend, then peered down at the pile of books in her cart. An hour ago she had been daydreaming of ordering the Arithuanian take-out that Safi never wanted to get and hunker down with one of her all-time favorite books, The Raider King. She’d be in bed by 9 and asleep by 9:15.

So much for that.

It was ironic, really. Safi could rant all she wanted about the injustices of the modern day collegiate system, but no amount of theoretical scheming to take down the patriarchy would change the fact that Iseult missed college.

She missed waking up every day and knowing where she was going and what she was doing. She missed her textbooks. She missed late night cram sessions at the university library with Safi and getting nothing done, aside from gaining 15 pounds from vending machine snacks. She missed misty morning walks to her 8 A.M. seminar. She missed the notes Leopold would pass her during Professor Rosa's soul-killing lectures. Heck, she missed her lectures.

And of course, she missed the dining hall hash browns.

So naturally - naturally - the only thing she didn’t miss about college was the one thing she couldn’t escape.

The college bar scene.

Iseult hadn’t taken Safi seriously when she announced one day just before summer break that she would be getting her bartender license. It seemed to be the thing every college student said the second after they turned 21. For Safi to voluntarily subject herself to 40 hours worth of training courses was enough to give Iseult doubt. However, unlike the rest of those drunk idiots, Safi was true to her word, and in no time, she started bartending at Venaza City’s most popular college bar, the Cleaved Man.

Moon Mother, kill me now, Iseult prayed as she pushed her book cart down the aisle. Its rickety wheels squeaked horridly in the cavernous hall. She cringed inwardly knowing that the second she turned the corner, all eyes would be narrowed on her, silently shaming her for disturbing the peace. Halfway down, though, she hesitated. The wheels grinded to a halt.

Ignoring the sick embarrassment bubbling in her stomach at what she was about to do, Iseult cast a look over her shoulder to make sure Safi was truly gone. Then, she leaned forward and peered between the stacks of books.

The mystery man and his little companion were gone.

#the witchlands #witchlands #baesult #iseult det midenzi #aeduan #witchlands fanfic #iseult x aeduan #safiya fon hasstrel #merik nihar #safik #truthwitch #mine #my fics

26 notes · View notes

hekate1308 · 6 years

Text

For The Better

My Purple Tie verse has received a bit of attention lately, so I thought I’d give you guys an update. Enjoy!!!!

As blissful as Dean has found his mated life to be, sometimes things aren’t as easy as they may seem to their neighbourhood.

“No, I don’t see why your father has to visit us again.”

“Dean, he hasn’t been here in a year, and another one of his grandchildren was just born” Cas points out, which is quite hypocritical in his opinion, since his mate isn’t fond of his own father to begin with. Trust Cas to put duty over his own comfort, again; for whenever Lord Novak visits, a slight chill seems to settle over their home – even the children are quieter for the first couple of days, and usually exuberant once he leaves them again.

He also cannot deny that he is feeling rather sprightly – he’s just recovered from his lying-in, Samantha and Robbie are very excited about the new sibling they are already clamouring to play with, never mind that he can’t even sit up yet, and he just had an attraction with the butcher about the deer they purchased a few days ago. “For God’s sake, if I had known I would mate your whole family as well – “

“I moved away from them, in case you didn’t notice” Cas points out.

Dean did; and furthermore, sometimes he can’t help but worry that he’ll eventually grow to resent him for it. Cas may be an alpha who has defied many an expectation; but he is still an alpha, and as such might come to think he gave up to much when he settled down in Dean’s country. After all, Dean was never supposed to feel so attached to the place Sam and Jess lived in, not as a spinster omega.

“I know” he says, “And I also don’t recall you complaining. I do seem to remember that you were the one who purchased the house first, and you didn’t ask me –“

“Oh, so you don’t enjoy living here?”

It is the first serious disagreement between them; Dean can feel words that he knows would hurt Cas lie heavy on his tongue, ready to be spewed into the face of the man he adores more than anyone else in this world, and so he decides to leave. For a while.

“I knew it was a good idea to take a ride today.”

Dean slows his horse down when he recognizes Lord Crowley’s voice. The older alpha is usually good company; and he needs something to take his mind off things.

“What an utterly shocking sight we will be to the neighbourhood, Mr. Novak.”

“Oh, you know me; I don’t stand on ceremony” he grins. It didn’t take him long after his mating to reclaim the rights he enjoyed as the presumed alpha heir of his father – the first and foremost being his ability to go on long rides by himself.

They ride in silence for a while, until Lord Crowley, who is sometimes too clever for his own good, asks, “And may I ask what prompted this excursion? While I do always enjoy our time together, it seems a little unusual for you to be out without your mate so soon after your latest lying in.”

“Sometimes alphas don’t know when to stop” Dean answers, “And now and then, they will have their father come to visit against better knowledge.”

“Ah” Crowley says, as if that makes everything clear, “But I have to confess, it would make me rather uneasy to see domestic comfort like yours shattered by a simple disagreement.”

Dean agrees, but for now, he is still too angry to go back.

Crowley takes the hint and falls silent.

When he returns home, Cas is nowhere to be found, at least not at first. Dean checks on the children and quietly makes his way to the library. Normally he would spend time in the nursery, loving them, teaching them, playing with the, but they don’t deserve to have to deal with his bad mood. Granted, the ride helped, but he is still rather put out by his and his mate’s fight.

They are not supposed to fight. None of the stories he ever heard about blissful matings ever included fights, but then, reality is something else entirely.

He should have known Cas would be here too.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean” he greets him, carefully marking down the page of the book he’s reading and putting it away, “Did you have a pleasant ride?”

“Yes.” After a pause he adds, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not the only one” Cas gets up, looking tired and sad. “I don’t want my father here either, Dean. God knows we have done little to provide each other’s comfort since my birth – he only comes out of a sense of obligation that I can no longer understand.”

Dean walks up to him and takes his hands. “I guess we’ve both been rather... impetuous”.

“That’s one way to put it” Cas agrees and kisses him.

Yes, mating life isn’t always what he imagined it to be.

And yet he wouldn’t change a thing if he could.

“I really hope Jimmy Lucas gets better soon, but at least he has the best nurse he could possibly have.”

Cas nods, keeping an eye on their children and smiling to himself. Naturally Dean insisted on calling on the family as soon as he heard of their youngest’ illness. He still hopes this doesn’t mean he’ll entirely miss Mrs. Leeds visits however – they still are as attached to each other as they were before their mating.

“Samantha is a wonderful sister” she admires their oldest; she’s busy keeping an eye on Ben, the baby, and playing with Robbie, their middle child.

“I am sure she gets that all from Dean.”

“Now, now, Mr. Novak, I am certain you are not as deficient in that regard as you believe yourself to be.”

“I can assure you, I have yet found a regard in which he is” Dean’s voice calls out from behind and before Cas can turn around, Samantha and Robbie race towards him calling out “Daddy!”

“Hello there” he says, scooping them up in a decisive gesture that is utterly unlike the way omegas are supposed to behave around their children.

Cas loves him more than he ever thought he would be able to love anyone.

“You’ve already got three children, and only two arms – I strongly expect that problem will only grow worse in the following years” Mrs. Leeds says, grinning.

Dean shakes his head. “I know my blessings – i don’t wait for more.”

“I am not talking about waiting, my dear – some things are just meant to be.”

As Cas steps up to Dean, he finds himself whole-heartedly agreeing with Dean’s old friend.

Their disagreement from the week before is not yet forgotten, nor is it likely to be; not with both of their temperaments being rather hot and quick; but Dean is smiling at him, his eyes sparkling, and it is enough for Cas.

“It seems you have your hands full” he observes.

“This wouldn’t be the case, but my mate happens to be rather impatient when it comes to certain things...” Dean smirks, bouncing the children up and down, prompting them to protest while laughing.

Cas reaches out and takes Samantha into his arms. As always, the sight of Dean’s eyes in their daughter’s face makes him smile. “Did you tell Daddy how well you fulfilled your responsibilities while he was gone?”

“No! And I don’t have to anyway!” she exclaims (at least as far as Cas understands – the language of toddlers, while perfectly enchanting, keeps being a mystery to him in some regards).

Dean laughs. “That’s my girl. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.”

“That’s hardly a good thing for her to learn” Cas protest half-heartedly, as always to no avail.

“I should probably be going” Mrs. Leeds announces, “I certainly can’t waste anymore of your time. There are so many other people whose time I should be wasting instead –“

“No, please, wait” Dean hurries to say, putting Robbie down and shooting Cas a glance. “i could really do with a cup of tea, and your presence will only make it sweeter.”

“Always the charmer” she praises him; but her quick mind has naturally already surmised that there i something Dean wants to talk about, and Cas can easily guess what it is.

“My father-in-law is about to visit us again” he confides into Mrs Leeds as he hands her another cup of tea before filling his own, “But I think we should also invite Lady Naomi once more.”

He’s asking Cas’ opinion as well, of course; he’s asking whether it would be at all proper to ask his aunt to stay with them even though she has barely been gone two months.

The answer to that is a resounding no – but then, why should Cas care? If he worried at all about the opinions of the fashionable society, he would not be a happily mated alpha with a growing family.

“I think this is a splendid idea. Father will be positively thrilled to see his sister again.”

“And you know I am always glad to see Lady Naomi, as well” Mrs. Leeds replied, with only a hint of sarcasm in her voice – she knows very well what they are thinking.

It is decided.

“Castiel, the children.”

They are indeed well and currently occupied while playing with their father in the garden. He would gladly join them; however, he has to deal with some business of his tenants first.

“Yes?”

“They are rather loud” he announces.

“Oh yes. They usually are when they are playing with Dean.”

“I see.”

With a flourish of his pen, Cas finishes his business. “Shall we join them?”

They are crossing the hall when Ellen approaches them. “Excuse me, sir? Your other guest arrived while you were busy. I felt free to show her in the garden.”

“Of course. Thank you.”

“What other guest? You didn’t tell me.”

“You didn’t ask.”

His father’s face grows even more serious when he finds aunt Naomi in the garden running after Samantha.

“Really, she is so very fast – either that or I am growing old – oh, hello, Brother.”

“Naomi” he says frostily, slightly bowing when Dean advances with their other two children.

“Lord Novak” he greets him. “Since we must all be in agreement that a family party would be rather undesirable” he glances at Cas, smirking, “We have invited a few guests for dinner. My brother and his family, Mrs. Leeds... Lord Crowley, naturally.”

“Naturally” his father echoes.

Even Samantha giggles in Aunt Naomi’s arms.

Dean gifts Cas with a beautiful smile.

It’s a beautiful day.

#my writings #destiel #destiel au #omega!dean #alpha!cas #regency!au

23 notes · View notes

hannahindie · 6 years

Text

Breathe - Part 4

Pairing: Dean x Reader Series Warnings: Fatal illness, character death, blood, canon violence, language, eventual smut, kidnapping. Word Count: 3,200 Square Filled: Fatal Illness Summary: Six months ago, Y/N runs into someone unexpected at the local bar while researching a case. For one night, she decides to forget and just try to be normal. Present day, Dean wants answers and Y/N isn’t sure how to explain herself. A/N: This is the fourth part of my SPN Angst Bingo Card series, hosted by @spnangstbingo. It will be seven parts, and the schedule has already been posted. It will post twice a week (Monday and Friday) until it wraps up.

It was beta’d by the ever fantastic and my writing soulmate @trexrambling: “ Don't we all. -happy sigh-”

My beautiful twinny, @pinknerdpanda: “oof...this would give me feelings to hear from the lips of Dean Winchester”

And my dear, sweet angel baby @masksandtruths: “Ughhhh. Yep I want to go cry in a corner now.”

Thanks to all three for helping a girl out so that her words make sense. I owe a lot to all of you.

As always, tags are at the bottom. If you’d like to be added, please let me know.

6 months earlier…

This bar is perfect. It's in the middle of nowhere, it's cheap, and so far not one person has tried to get my number or buy me a drink.

“Hey, sweetheart, can I buy you a drink?”

Never mind.

I take a deep breath then spin around to face the jackass that's ruining my perfect bar experience, “What makes you think-”

“Y/N?”

I should have recognized his voice, but I definitely recognize the green eyes sparkling in the dim light, his eyebrows raised in surprise as he realizes who he just tried to hit on.

“Dean?”

“Holy shit, what are you doing here?” He looks like he’s trying to decide if he should do something, like give me a hug or a hearty pat on the arm, but ends up just jamming his hands into his pockets. I give him an awkward smile.

“Working a case, what about you?” I turn back to the bar and he slides onto the stool next to me.

“We just finished one, heard there might be something over this way so we figured we'd check it out before we went home.” He waves down the bartender and orders two more beers.

“I'm not even sure it is a case. Haven't been able to find much, I'm starting to think it's a thing for the locals to handle. I figure I'll do some more research in the morning, head out of it’s nothing.” I take a swig from my beer as he waves the bartender down. “We? Sam is here too?”

“Yea, he said he wanted to research and the bar would be too loud. The campus library is open late, so he's camping out there for the night.”

We fall silent, and I wish it didn't feel so awkward. There didn't used to be this...space. Now it feels like we are on two totally different tracks, speeding along next to each other but never actually crossing paths. Not even when we are sitting mere inches apart. I won't lie; the feeling sucks.

“It's been awhile. Why haven't you called?” I look over and he's fiddling with the label on his beer, pulling it off the bottle in tiny pieces like he's always done when he's nervous.

I shrug, “It’s been busy. Phones work two ways, you know.” I’ll just leave out the whole ‘cancer takes a lot of out of you’ part, and the bit where I shouldn’t be mixing alcohol with my pain medicine.

“Fair enough.” He clears his throat, “Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything...about Bobby, about what...what I said.” His voice is quiet, but the apology packs a punch. Dean isn’t usually one to apologize, at least not easily.

“You weren’t the only one that said shitty things, Dean. It’s not like I offered you a fresh glass of sweet tea and invited you to sit on the porch with me so we could talk about our feelings.”

He chuckles and I finish my beer, sliding it down the bar as I grab the one Dean just bought for me. “I guess that’s true.” He sighs, “What happened to us? We were...we were good, weren’t we? You, me, and Sammy...we were the best.”

I glance over and really look at him for the first time since he’s sat down. He looks tired, his face more haunted than it was the last time I saw him. He looks like he’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and, considering he’s a Winchester, that’s probably not too far from the truth. He’s still handsome though; age has been kind to him. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes are more pronounced, and he looks like he hasn’t shaved in a few days. I like it, other than it hides how strong his jawline is.

“You still are.”

He smiles sadly and shakes his head, “If you knew...I’m not the best, not anymore.”

Without thinking, I put my hand on his arm and he looks up at me, “Life happened to us, Dean. And it’s not like one of the monsters that we can hunt down and destroy. Life sneaks up and picks and pulls you apart, and every once in awhile it gives you a little glimmer of hope, of what could be. If you’re lucky, the glimmer turns into something more, but for people like us...that’s all it is. A hope of what could be, not what’s going to happen. We save people, but we don’t save ourselves.”

I stare at my hand on his arm and remember what we used to be like; best friends, inseparable as soon as John put me in the backseat of the Impala. It wasn’t fair of me to blame him for Bobby’s death, but I had been angry and hurt. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t the only one that lost their father that day, not until it was too late, anyway. “You are a good man who has given up everything so that others don’t have to. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to understand that before.”

Dean softly places his hand on top of mine and squeezes, “You’ve given up a lot, too.” He clears his throat and straightens up on the barstool, his hand moving from mine to his beer. “I think we need something a little stronger than beer. Still a whiskey girl?”

“You bet your sweet ass I am,” I respond with a smile, grateful that the familiar comfort I used to feel with Dean seems to have returned.

“D-do you remember that time we stole Bobby’s truck and went into town, I don’t even remember what we were lookin’ for, but we left and didn’t tell him?” I stumble slightly, and Dean catches my arm.

“How can you not remember what we were lookin’ for? You decided you wanted to go see Titanic, and you talked my stupid ass into it!”

I snort, “Pshtttt, you know you wanted to see some Kate Winslet boobies, don’t even pretend.”

“I had to pretend to be your brother so you could get in! Lemme just add that as much as I may have wanted to see Kate Winslet boobs, I by no means wanted to see them with you sitting next to me.”

“Listen, you loved that movie. I saw you cry.”

“Tha’s...tha’s bullshit. I don’t cry over chick flicks, ‘specially not when I’m with someone else in a public theater.” He gives his head an emphatic shake, as if that’s going to drive his point home.

“HA!” I stop and poke him in the chest, “You said ‘especially’, which means you’re not above doin’ it alone. Dean Winchester has feelings.”

“Oh, I had feelings, just wasn’t ‘bout the movie.”

“See! You have feelings, you just ad..mitt….wait, what?” My finger is still on his chest, and he smirks down at me.

“Y’heard me.” His eyes are sparkling, and the mischievous look he used to have when we were young is back. It makes him look like a kid again, and it’s enough to make me ignore how badly this could end. I forget that my decision has made this an impossibility, and I shift my hand so that it lays flat against his chest. He’s warm, God, he’s so warm and I can feel his heart beating against my palm.

“You had feelings?”

His hands land on my waist and he pulls me flush against him. I can’t tell if it’s the alcohol or his proximity, but my face feels hot as I stare up at him. “I never said they stopped.”

“Oh,” I breathe out, his words fuzzy and sharp at the same time. “I...d’ya want...I mean, my hotel room is jus’-” I don’t get a chance to finish my question because his lips are on mine and it’s like my entire brain short circuits. I would be lying if I said I never wanted to find out what this felt like. I assume any woman that looks at Dean wonders what it would be like.

I can promise you, there are no words to describe how it feels.

I can try. I can tell you that his lips are soft, softer than I could have ever imagined. He smells like gun oil and leather, with a hint of whiskey from our time at the bar. It reminds me of home, of riding in the backs of cars and learning how to fight, and how to care for people. He’s warm, even through all his layers it's radiating from him like a heater, and I can’t help but let my hands roam across his chest and down to the small of his back.

He pulls back and laughs softly and I take a moment to catch my breath. “What’s so funny?”

“I don’t think this can continue in public.” He shifts, and I am made aware as to why we should probably vacate the busy sidewalk.

“Come on, I think I can remedy that.” I grab his hand and start walking down the street again.

“Where are we going?”

“My hotel room, duh.” He laughs, and it’s like music to my ears. For the first time in a long time, everything feels...normal.

I’m not dying. We aren’t fighting monsters and evil, and we aren’t saving the world. We’re drunk, and we’re letting ourselves feel what normal people get to feel. It might just be a beautiful lie that we’re telling ourselves for this one night, but I don’t care. Because for once...for once it can just be us, and I don’t have to remember that it’s going to be short lived.

We stop in front of my motel room and I drunkenly dig through my pocket, but it’s made difficult by Dean grabbing me by the waist and pressing me against the wall next to the door.

“Dean, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I can’t…mmmm...I can’t get to my key.” His teeth graze my throat, right at my pulse, and I nearly melt. I can feel him smiling against me and I smack his arm. “You’re a little shit, you know that?”

“Oh, I know.” He pulls back and lets me finally pull the key free, watching in amusement as I fumble it into the lock. “Know what else I know?”

I look back at him as the door swings open, “What?”

“I’m damn lucky we decided to stop in Omaha.” He picks me up and carries me into the room, slamming the door shut behind us with his foot.

He isn't the only lucky one.

Now…

It's the beeping that gets me, the incessant dinging of machines, whirring sounds and footsteps, and the never ending barrage of announcements over the intercom system that finally pulls me out of what feels like a coma. Then the smell takes over; a suffocating cloud of cleaners and sanitizers that I only ever encounter in hospitals.

My eyes slowly open to see a blurry form sitting in the chair next to me, chin against his chest as he breathes slowly in and out, the cadence making it obvious he's asleep. Sunlight is creeping through the long, vertical blinds, and the television is turned to some daytime talk show rerun.

“Oh, you're awake!” I roll my head towards the door and see a smiling nurse walk through it and watch as she checks whatever machines I'm hooked to. “You gave us all quite the scare.”

“Sorry…” I don't know what else to say.

“Aww, honey, you don't need to be sorry. I'm just glad to see you're awake. I think he will be, too. He's refused to leave this entire time. Not even the threat of a security escort seemed to phase him.”

I look back over at Dean, who's shifted enough so that his head is tilted against the back of the chair, his mouth hanging open. “That sounds about right.” I struggle to sit up more, and she hurries over.

“Here, let me give you a hand. I'm going to call your doctor, she said she needs to have a little chat with you.” Her face falls slightly as she smooths out the blanket, then she clears her throat and suddenly the smile is back, “I'll be right back.”

“Wait…”

She turns to look at me, “Yes?”

“How long have I been out?”

Her smile disappears again and a crease appears between her brows, “Four days.” She disappears around the corner quickly as if she wants to avoid any other questions and I sigh. Four days.

I grab for the remote, but for a second it's like my hands forget how to do their job, like my brain isn't connected to them, so I juggle it for a second before it slips out of my hand and hits the floor with a crash. Dean jerks upright in his chair.

“What?! What the hell?” It takes a minute for his brain to register where he is and what made the noise, and I watch his eyes come into focus as he stares at me. “You're awake.”

“Yea…” I can feel tubing pressing against my nose and I reach up to pull it off. Dean leans over and puts his hand over mine, gently pushing my hand down to the bed.

“Leave it, they just got you stable enough to use that instead of a mask.” He leans back and watches me, but stays quiet. He looks like he’s thinking about what to say; I know he has a lot of questions, and I’m afraid of what he’ll ask first. I also wonder what he already knows, and how he’s managed to get in here and stay for such an extended amount of time.

“How’d you manage to not get kicked out?”

“Told ‘em we were married, that we were on our honeymoon.”

I would laugh, but I know it’s going to hurt. Judging by the look on his face, it probably isn’t wise anyway. “What about Sam?”

“Told ‘em he lives nearby and that we were visiting him. He’s getting coffee right now.” He crosses his arms, “It was a little harder to explain all the bruises, and why you were pumped full of painkillers before you got here. And the massive amount of blood you were coughing up, see that was the hardest one, because they just assume a husband would know his wife’s medical history.”

“Well, we aren’t actually married-”

“Nope, I’m gonna stop you right there.” He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, and the look of betrayal on his face makes it incredibly hard to look him in the eye. “We are family, Y/N. I get that maybe I want more than that, and that you aren't ready for it. That's fine, but you are still my family. We are supposed to take care of each other. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs, and you lying about this...it could have gotten any of us killed. You realize this, right? I should have realized at the hotel something was wrong...I should know the difference between lipstick and blood.”

“Dean…”

“Listen, I’m not...I’m not angry. I feel like I should be, but I’m not. I just want to understand why you didn’t think you could trust me with this. Why did you not let us help you?”

“It’s difficult to explain-”

“Hello, Y/N.” I recognize the voice before I even turn to face whoever interrupted me.

“Hey, doc.”

She walks around to the end of the bed, clipboard in hand, and glances over at Dean, “This is your husband?” I swallow nervously; she knows I’m not married. It’s not been that long since I’ve seen her. The look in her eyes is a soft accusation, but when I nod in confirmation, she gives him a gentle smile. “Nice to meet you.” She looks down at the chart and when she looks back up, I can see it on her face. “I think you probably know what I’m going to tell you, but I’m guessing he’d like to know what’s going on, and I think you need to know exactly how bad this is.”

That’s the one thing about her that I like; she’s straightforward, no bullshit. She somehow knows that Dean has no idea what’s going on, and I’m simultaneously impressed and terrified. He was never supposed to know about this. I was going to go out hunter style, a blaze of bloody glory. I was alone. Why didn’t I just stay alone?

“Your cancer has spread. It’s no longer just in one lung and the lymph nodes on that side, it’s in both, which is why you began to cough up so much blood. Honestly, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. Your body is exhausted, and it’s starting to give up. Without treatment…” she trails off and looks at Dean, who looks like he’s about to be sick. “Even with treatment, it will simply be done to keep you comfortable, though it may prolong your life slightly. Without treatment, your time is very limited. I’m...I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, but...I chose this. I knew what was going to happen.”

She nods, then gently pats my blanketed leg, “I’m going to go, give you some time to decide.” She looks at Dean one last time, then walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her. I drop my head back against the pillows and close my eyes. Shit.

“Cancer?” His voice is quiet, but rough with held back tears. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter; I can’t look at him.

“Dean, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Omaha...I didn’t…”

“What are you going to do?” I look at him sharply, but he’s looking down at his hands instead of me.

“What do you mean?”

He looks up, and his eyes are even brighter from the tears he’s fighting against. It hurts more than anything else he could even say. “Are you going to do treatment, or no?”

I swallow thickly, knowing he’s not going to like the answer. I don’t like the answer, but it’s for the best. “I’m tired, Dean. I’m tired and broken, and I can’t drag this out longer. I just can’t. I don’t want to waste away in some bed somewhere, knowing that I’m just putting off the inevitable. I want to go home...I want to spend time with you and Sam, I want to save as many people as I can before it’s over. I just...I wanna go home.”

He blinks, then rubs a palm roughly against his eyes as he stands up, “Okay, well, let’s bust you out of here then. I’m gonna go talk to the nurse. I’ll...I’ll be back to get you. If Sammy comes back while I’m gone, let him know where I went.” He walks out of the room without another word.

I lay back and close my eyes, and I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Read Part 5 HERE.

Like what you see? Would you like to see more? My Masterlist is here!

Forever Tags: @trexrambling @pinknerdpanda @wheresthekillswitch @emilywritesaboutdean @arryn-nyxx @emptywithout @escabell @charliebradbury1104 @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @deanssweetheart23 @canadianjelly @super-not-naturall @aubreyreadsstuff @dean-winchesters-baby @melissaj616 @fandomismyspiritanimal @keepcalmandcarryondean @assbutt-still-in-hell @owllover123 @rosie-winchester @amionthetumbler @duubaduu @hiimaprofessionalfangirl @goldenolaf25 @authoressskr @nanie5 @mrssamfuckingwinchester @zincomms @kathaswings @crazynerdandproud @barbedwireandbubblegum @sandlee44 @boxywrites @justanotherdeangirl @smalltowndivaj @captainradicalpassion @myloveforyouxx @atc74 @mrsbatesmotel53 @there-must-be-a-lock @masksandtruths @thelittleredwhocould @jotink78 @amanda-teaches @ilsawasanacrobat @squirrel-moose-winchester @mjdoc90 @anticipate1003 @mrswhozeewhatsis @mindsunleashed @mogaruke @speakinvain @linki-locks11 @wildlandfox @rhochradel @lostnliterature @fandom-queen-of-wonderland @spn-ficfanatic

Dean Only: @akshi8278 @valkyrieslament @lavieenlex @highonpastries @wholelottajackles

Breathe: @rosethesupernaturalhunter @bitchof707official @waywardbaby @demondeantrash @gh0stgurl @kararanae23 @linki-locks11 @aimee-ginge @spn-ficfanatic

SPN Angst Bingo: @thekarliwinchester @emptywithout @winchesterxtwo @aubreystilinksi @castianityislife02

145 notes · View notes

queen-of-deans-booty · 6 years

Text

All Hell Breaks Loose Part One- Part 1

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,966

Warnings: Typical Supernatural violence, language, angst, minor character death, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. If you’re a junkie for this sort of thing, then a tag list is the right thing for you! If you want to be a Queen, I’ll add you to that list too! Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

AHHHH This season is almost done!!!!! Just ONE more episode left! If you’ve been catching along with this series, this and the next episodes is what I wan to hear your thoughts on!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

“So, we had kids?” You asked Dean from the backseat.

“Yeah. You said you would stop bringing it up.” Dean said as he drove into a random town to get some food.

“Sorry, I know I said that but Dean, you have to be honest with me, okay?” You said, being very serious.

“What is it, Y/N?” Dean asked with a sigh, parking the car. Sam chuckled and looked over at you and Dean with an amused smile.

“Was I still hot? Did having two kids ruin my body?” You asked, biting your lip.

“Oh, sweetheart, it was hard for me not to keep my hands off you.”

“And I’m out.” Sam said, taking the money from Dean’s hand before getting out of the car.

“Hey, don’t forget the extra onions this time, huh?” Dean said, making Sam roll his eyes.

“Sam, make them forget. We’re going to have to be the ones to ride with your extra onions.” You said, disgusted but Dean just smirked. Sam was about to leave again but Dean stopped him.

“Hey, see if they got pie. Bring me some pie!” Sam huffed out in annoyance and left, walking into the café. “I love me some pie.”

“I know you do. So, you couldn’t keep your hands off me, huh?” You asked with a grin, sliding closer to him from the backseat. He smirked and nodded, leaning in to kiss you but the radio on his car started to static, eventually turning off.

Dean sighed and leaned to the radio, messing with it to get it to turn back on but when he looked back at you, you were gone. You and Sam were gone and the lively town he drove into, was now an empty nest, full of the smell of death and sulfur.

You gasped as you woke up, looking around to where you were. You didn’t know how you got here or why you were or what even here was. You scrambled to get up, looking around the small room you were in. The windows were mostly boarded up but that didn’t stop light from peering inside through the slits.

You walked to the window, looking outside to see if you knew where you were or if Sam and Dean were okay. You couldn’t see much and started panicking. You took your phone out of your back pocket, going to dial Dean but frowned when you didn’t have service.

“Sam!!!! Dean!!!!” You yelled, hoping that you were close enough to hear you. You didn’t know if they were hurt or worse. You tried not to think about that as you figured out a way to get out. You walked to the door and mentally slapped yourself for not trying that first.

You pushed the door but it wouldn’t budge, so you tried to pull on it and it didn’t even budge. You knew that it swung outward and it felt as if something was keeping it from being opened. So, how the hell did you get in here if every exit was boarded up?

You sighed, looking around the room, wondering if you could use anything in here to break the board but found nothing. You looking at your hands and immediately, the light bulb went off in your head. You walked to the door and took a deep breath, closing your eyes.

You concentrated on bringing the powers you knew where there but never used. In all honesty, they scared the shit out of you. You knew, that with practice, they would become very powerful, making hunting a lot easier but a, you never had the time to practice them and b, you didn’t know what would happen if something went out of hand.

You remembered, almost a year ago, you lost control of them but that was when Dean was on his death bed after the crash. You could still remember that day as if it was yesterday and every time you thought about it, it made your heart heavy and your bones shake.

You tried to shake the images out of your head but once they were there, they were there and without anyone here to stop you, you had trouble making them go away on your own. With each image that passed by, you started to shake more and when you shook, you could feel the magic inside you, bubble up.

You tried to keep your cry of pain quiet and you shot your hands forward, pushing out every single ounce of magic through your hands and into the door. It was a weak door and broke easily under the pressure. You gasped and opened your eyes, not realizing you were crying.

You saw the door half broken, a big enough hole for you to get through. You wiped your eyes, pulling yourself together before exiting the small room. You frowned, taking in your surroundings. You were in an abandoned town that looked as if it hadn’t been in use for decades.

You looked around, seeing no one here.

“Sam!! Dean!!” You yelled out, hoping one of the brothers or both of them would come to your aid. When no one was seen or heard, you sighed, realizing you were on your own now. You walked through the town, occasionally looking through the windows of the stores to see if anyone was in there.

There wasn’t.

You didn’t have the time, your phone didn’t have any service and you had no idea where you were. Things were working out great, if anyone was wondering. You hoped Sam was okay. You knew Dean was at least alive because if he was dead, you probably would feel it.

Lately, or at least, ever since you started dating, you felt like you two were connected on a deeper level. You could sometimes feel what he was feeling and you knew when he was lying. You had no idea what it was but you knew he wasn’t dead which was a good thing. But you didn’t know if he was okay or not.

You rounded a corner, gasping when you saw a group of people, maybe 4 or 5, talking and freaking out. You didn’t know who they were but you were glad to see people. You just hoped there were no monsters here since you didn’t have any kind of weapons with you.

However, as you got closer, you recognized the tallest one there.

“Sam!” You yelled, running towards him. He turned around and his eyes widened, smiling in relief when he saw you. When you got to him, you wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” Sam said, releasing you after a few moments. You smiled up at him but before you could say anything, a black man came into your view and wrapped his hand around your throat. You gasped and your eyes widened, scratching at his hand to get him to let go.

“Hey!!” Sam said, prying his hand off your throat, before shoving him away. Sam put you behind him as you coughed, trying to get your breath back.

“What the hell, man?” You coughed, glaring at him. You didn’t like him at all. When you stood up straight, you saw the other 4 people staring at you with their eyes narrowed.

“What the hell was that, Jake?” Sam asked, angry.

“She needs to die.” He said, getting ready to go again. You rolled your eyes, not this again.

“Why does she need to die?” Sam asked, protecting you.

“The yellow-eyed man told us to. She can’t be alive and he ordered one of us to kill her. Now, move.” The brown-haired woman said.

“Ava, no, you’re not killing her. No one is killing her.” Sam said.

“Wait, that’s Ava?” You asked, looking at her.

“How do you know me?” She asked, confused.

“Sam, his brother and I spent weeks looking for you.” You said, worried what they might do to you.

“Well, you found me.” She said.

“Look, guys, no one is killing her, okay? Lily don’t you dare touch her.” Sam said.

“No promises.” The blonde woman said with an eye roll.

“What happens if she touches me?” You asked Sam.

“Your heart will stop beating. It happens when I touch someone.” Lily answered for Sam.

“It won’t work on me, anyways, remember Sam? Andy’s mind control didn’t work on me and neither did his brother’s. She won’t hurt me that way.” You said, relaxing a bit.

“What do you mean it won’t work on you?” The man who tried to kill you asked.

“Wait, more importantly, where did you come from?” Sam asked, turning around to look at you.

“I don’t know. One moment I’m with Dean in the car and the next, I wake up in some dusty room someone in this town. Where’s Dean? There’s no service.” You said, relaxing a bit when you saw the others back up a bit.

“I don’t know where he is.” Sam said, scared of what might have happened to him.

“Don’t worry, he’s not dead. I would feel it if he had.” You said, seeing the relief on his face.

“So, what is this place? Do you think it has anything to do with the demon?” You asked Sam.

“Wait, demon? Sam, I was a little on board with the whole psychic and mind bending thing but demons? Come on.” Ava said, scoffing.

“Look, I know it sounds crazy…”

“It doesn’t just sound it.” The man who tried to kill you said.

“Look, Jake, I don’t really care what you think, okay? If we’re all gathered here together, then that means it’s starting and that we have to get ready.” Sam said, talking about the war the yellow-eyed demon mentioned about. The war that you were messing up because you were alive.

“The only thing I’ve gotta do, is stay away from wackjobs, okay? I’ve heard enough. I’m better off on my own. FYI, so are you.” Jake said, turning around and walking away from the group.

“Wait! Jake!” Sam tried. Jake ignored him and continued walking until he disappeared from sight.

“Great, now what?” You asked. You were fine around Andy because you worked with him before but you didn’t know Ava all that well and you didn’t know Lily at all. You were going to be sticking with Sam and if Sam is somehow gone, then with Andy.

He didn’t seem like a threat before.

Suddenly, you heard a screeching noise and you looked at Sam who was already rushing to the source of the noise. You didn’t want to be caught with anyone else so you took off, catching up to Sam easily. You followed him into a building, seeing a little girl.

But she wasn’t any normal little girl. Her face was contorted into something ugly and her nails were outstretched, much like a tentacle. Jake, never have seen a demon before, was scared of what was going on. But Sam was quicker than most and grabbed an iron poker that he spotted by the door.

He swung at the girl, expecting her to dissolve, much like a spirit would. She did dissolve but not in the way you’d expect. Instead of disappearing, a cloud of black smoke was all that was left, exiting what looked to be a classroom of sorts.

Jake was staring at Sam with wide eyes and Sam threw the poker down, jerking his head to the side to move his hair out of his eyes.

“Just so you know, that was a demon.” Sam left the classroom and you followed quickly, walking ahead of him. You thought it would be best to put Sam in between you and the people who wanted to kill you.

The Queens:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith @mogaruke @whit85-blog @inlovewithbja @spn67-sister @kdfrqqg @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @roxyspearing @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose @cobrakai1967 @essie1876 @wishedworld @crispychrissy @laqueus-ludovicus @nostalgic-uncertainty @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel @potterhead1265 @starswirlblitz @untitled39887 @ta-n-ja @deans-fallen-angel-boy @scarletluvscas @notnaturalanahi @tahbehonest @stay-in--place @dreaminofdean @posiemax @donnaintx @mikey1822 @alexandriajanae4 @li-ssu @just-another-winchester @obsessivecompulsivespn @emoryhemsworth @newtospnfandom @mizzezm @goldenolaf25 @jessikared97 @wh1sp3r1ng-impala @charliebradbury1104 @queen-of-moons-peace-out-bitches @becs-bunker @atc74 @lemonchapstick

The Dean Beans:

@akshi8278 @mega-mrs-dean-winchester @winchesterandpie @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @carribear31 @tacklesackles @oreosatmidnight @not-naturalfangirl @missselinakitty @iam-a-cutiepie @kristendansmith @milo-winchester-4ever @jensenackesl @codyshany316 @pheonyxstorm @helllonearth @juniorhuntersam @pouterpufftrain @ruprecht0420 @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @carriemichelle2012 @aubreystilinski

Series Rewrite Junkies:

@helllonearth @amyisabellal @deanwnchstr @caseykitten6 @quixoticcat @supernaturalblogging @notmoose45 @crowleysminion @mina22 @tahbehonest @hadleymcallister2177 @destielsangels @spnhybrid @oreosatmidnight @valerieshubin @seninjakitey @flyonlittlewinchester @aubreystilinski @rocketqueeens @emilygracespellins @earthtokace

88 notes · View notes

enkisstories · 5 years

Text

The android cemetery (Ch. 23)

The first thing one had to take care of when entering the Reed apartment was not to bump into the stairs leading upwards. The second was to dodge the cats that were sitting on the staircase and clawing playfully towards the interesting hats and hairs that came within their reach. Afterwards everything else was a trifle.

The floor/downstairs living room combination was L-shaped. To the left the smaller arm contained a lounge chair, various installations for the cats to climb on and a bookcase. Straight forward the longer arm was dominated by a long sofa, a wall-mounted TV and the usual household electronics. The left wall was completely made of reinforced glass. It offered an amazing look out at balcony and over Detroit. At the far end of this room a door led to the kitchen.

Thor and Loki didn’t leave their vantage points on the stairway when the bipeds took seats. Being the smallest of the adults Gavin sat down on the sofa’s back, feet on the seating. Daniel sat down to his right. Emma, after a moment of hesitation, sat down on the sofa, too. Separated from Daniel only by Gavin’s dangling feet she grabbed the sofa’s edge with both hands and stared down as if she was utterly enraptured by the floor’s pattern. Jason circled the sofa and ended up standing to Emma’s left, looking down at the PL600 in a mix of fascination and suspicion. Evelyn grabbed a book from the bookcase and curled up with it in the lounge chair that almost swallowed her. The child android grinned, because she was staying up past bedtime tonight and nobody seemed to mind. Finally Connor chose the lowest stair to sit on. Ever since picking up a fish on the verge of suffocating had set him on the path of increasing program instability, the android liked animals. Surrounding himself with pets helped him focus on being a person instead of a function. Hoping that the cats would eventually come down for cuddles while serious matters were underfoot was immensely childish, that much Connor realized himself. But to hell with maturity! The others in this room didn’t have deviancy, they didn’t know how taxing living with a mental illness was! Okay, Daniel had deviancy, too, but he had been a nutcase to begin with and given in to their condition. Therefore Daniel’s opinion on the handicap didn’t count in Connor’s book.

“How did you find me that fast?” Emma asked the apartment floor, but Jason understood that he was being addressed. He started to explain, only to get cut short by Gavin: “Ever wondered how the damn automated cars decide who to run over? Well, for one, the valuable kids like you get tagged with subdermal implants.”

Jason saw the policeman’s nose twitch while he said that. An old scar ran across the bridge. Maybe there was a connection, or maybe not. This wasn’t the time to be nosy, because Emma exclaimed: “I thought the tags were only for opening our lockers at school and for showing when we are not in the classroom!” The idea of her position getting tracked, even if it was for her wellbeing only, didn’t sit well with the girl. “I didn’t know they were active all around the clock! As if we were androids… or criminals…”

Daniel, who was both, weakly supplied that the tag could save Emma’s life one day. If she ever got lost or taken away, the police would find her and return her to her mother.

The child didn’t respond. She didn’t even look at the android whom she had known as a friend under two different names now. What was wrong with her, Emma wondered? Had she not set out tonight to re-activate her caretaker? To smuggle him out of the police station and set him free? Well, now she had confirmation that Daniel had lived as free as possible for the last one and a half year. He was happy, he was friendly towards the child and rude to everyone Emma disliked. So why did she feel the urge to run away and hide?

“And you were…?” Connor spoke up, nodding in Boyfriend Jason’s direction. In his back the cats were shifting uneasily, now that the big plastic thing had started moving, even if had been on the spot only and only so subtly.

“Jason Graff”, the man answered. “I am Emma’s mother’s new partner.”

“Graff… that name sounds familiar”, Gavin mused. “I think Danny cursed you two nights ago!”

Connor quickly consulted the internet. A number of entries and photographs came up. The third one was matching Boyfriend Jason and Connor announced that this man was the head of CyberLife’s humanization department.

“Are you the guy who implemented flash grenade sensitivity in household android eyes?” Daniel inquired.

“Among other things, yes”, Jason admitted. “Not that it would impede your functions in any way. Flash sensitivity doesn’t apply to just brightly lit rooms. But you’ll squint a little during a thunderstorm, that kind of endearing thing.”

“Yeah, thanks, we got almost taken apart by a trash golem because of that!” Daniel replied. “Endearing? More like endangering!”

“Are you also responsible for my voice?” Connor asked, this being the second thing right after deviance that made his life unreasonably difficult. Gavin, probably ranking third on the list (although Connor wouldn’t admit that anytime soon in order not to give the detective that satisfaction), laughed out loud!

“Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Graff, I do not think there’s something wrong with it”, Connor quickly added. “It’s just…”

“No, no that wasn’t me”, Jason said quickly. “I was down with the flu and when I returned to work, the damage had already been done.”

“The “damage”…” Connor replied. The android shook his head. “Okay, new rule”, he announced then. “Not only are you three including Tina forbidden to mention my Daniel-encounter ever again, the same goes for my voice!”

“Not fair!” Gavin countered, still laughing. “You get to use it on us every day!”

“Yes!” Daniel chimed in. He noticed that both Jason and Emma were smiling now and that the girl had let go of the sofa she had been clinging to like to a lifeline. That Connor! Aptly nicknamed The Negotiator, the RK800 certainly knew how to defuse a tense situation and wasn’t afraid to play up his dorky side to achieve his goal. “Yes, Con’”, Daniel repeated, “you cannot just ask that of us without offering something in return!”

“Your bones”, Connor chirped, playing up his voice’s quirk on purpose. “Intact.”

A playfully delivered threat, but a threat nonetheless. Or a warning, rather.

The android wasn’t prepared for the reaction that prompted from Jason:

“Hell, yes, Connor, that’s our adaptive routine in action! Exactly as we had envisioned you! Oh my god, I’m so proud…”

Connor looked up, his expression one of amazement not unlike the day he had watched Dewey resume circling the fish tank in the Phillips residence. None of his handlers at CyberLife had ever said they were proud of him before. Not of his successes and least of all of Connor’s personality. Perhaps the prototype had been below their notice, his feelings irrelevant to even those who believed he had some. But there was also the possibility that he had never done anything to make them proud. Not Portia Colch, who always had preferred Brandon over Connor, not Amanda, who was just a simulation and least of all Elijah Kamski, who deemed himself so far above the normal frame of reference that Connor could have sworn to have dealt with Gavin Reed instead.

A sincere smile that carried a hint of relief crossed the android’s face.

“Thank you, Mr. Graff!”

“…of my team’s work”, Jason had wanted to finish, but seeing Connor like that made him reconsider and he let the rest of the sentence hanging in the air.

Thor, too, was almost hanging in the air. The black cat was stretching his head through the railing, his gaze fixed on Mama Gavin and especially on the sofa’s underside. But the only path to that safe space was blocked by the plastic biped. Thor’s tail twitched left and right, up and down... Meanwhile Loki felt the need to add some scratch marks to the wallpaper, just in case there was any question about who owned this place.

“We call the RK800s Witchers, internally”, Jason went on. Here he was, totally lost at the situation, but being able to talk about something he understood, something that was familiar. Not that Jason’s grasp on android lore would have mattered to any of the assembled, but chatting them up like that might at least serve to break the ice before tackling the real questions of this night.

“…because of the prototype. It helped ending the android crisis of November ’38.”

“Yes, that it did”, Connor whispered and away went his smile.

“I’m actually very happy with their design!” Jason claimed.

“Uh-huh…” Daniel and Gavin went simultaneously. It didn’t do anything to stop Jason from gushing about his team’s creation:

“The thing about the Witchers is, when out of uniform they look absolutely adorable! Like a young adult fresh out of college. The B-series even more so than the Connors, they can pass as freshmen.”

“It fucking worked”, Gavin remarked.

“What worked?”

“They both got adopted”, Daniel explained. “Only Brandon’s still in denial about it. But if he is supposed to be an older teen, then this reaction is only natural.”

“That’s not what we intended”, Jason admitted. “Fascinating, though.”

Emma raised her head. Her confidence restored by the shared laughter just now the girl asked Jason, and she sounded as innocent as Connor, when she did so: “Does mom know that you design androids for a living?”

Daniel winced. That wasn’t just confidence, that was a declaration of war! Ever since he… ever since the… ever since august 2038 Caroline Phillips didn’t allow androids of any kind in her apartment. Or near her precious daughter, if she could help it. The therapy sessions had been one of the rare exceptions, because the slow exposure to Dean had unquestionably helped Emma overcome her experience with Daniel. But other than that… Caroline paid a maid service that exclusively employed humans. She specified that she wanted a human to deliver her pizza or would fetch it in person from the store. And she had transferred Emma to another school, one that only had a few android janitors and cafeteria workers, but a full staff of human teachers. The widow wasn’t confrontational towards androids, she just did her best to ignore them. Caroline learning that her love interest was actively participating in filling the world with more of the dangerous machines, even made them likeable, would probably spell the end of the relationship.

“I didn’t have the courage to tell her yet”, Jason confessed. He said nothing else, only his eyes were silently pleading.

#non sims #sims4 dbh partfive #detroit become human #dbh #sims4danielgavin

0 notes

volturisecretary · 7 years

Text

Thank you so much to everyone who reached out to me because of the post I made late last night. I’m really lucky to have such great, caring friends. I can’t express enough how much it helped me to have you guys reach out to me.

@intothetwilightshow commented on your post,

“Sending you love. As you said, what you’re going through will definitely increase your empathy in your profession, so it’s annoying that you’re having all these academic roadblocks to add more stress. -A “

Thank you so much for these kind words. It means so much. I guess it’ll get better; it’s just such bad timing for all of this to be happening. Thank you though, A <3.

@bodyasleep-mindawake commented on your post,

Do you think you could teach martial arts? You could teach children instead or help at a training place, if it is a family thing and you have younger relatives you could train them.I know it is not the same as actually doing martial arts but it is not quite giving up the hobby. Although it is almost like downgrading from a Lamborghini to an old rusty car. You could also look into judging competitions. Your situation sucks, you shouldn’t be going through this. Fuck everyone who makes this worse. You earned your place so you should stay there. This is a terrible situation but I know that you have the strength to get through this

To be honest, that’s not something I ever really considered! I use to help teach a self defense class, so that could be something that I could do in the future. Yeah, I’m the youngest in my family unfortunately and my family is spread out through the U.S., so I can’t really train with any of them. Plus, it’s more boxing that runs in my family, so I’m a bit of the oddball with the grappling thing I have going on. I’ve been talking to some of the people I train with and some of them are willing to go “light” with me so I can keep doing it. It’s just going to suck to have to hold back so much (that expression about downgrading really sums it up perfectly tbh). Especially because on bad days it was always fun to just roll (spar) really hard to get some stress relief. Plus, jiu jitsu has a lot of take downs that probably aren’t particularly safe for me to perform or have someone do to me if I’m on blood thinners.

Thanks, I think I am going to end up staying in medical school- I’ve just really been hurting and sucking lately. I just really need some time away from that place and everyone there. It’s just unbelievable that they are trying so hard to convince me to leave. But, apparently the dean who overturned my decision doesn’t usually do things like that so maybe it’s just a bit of a shocking decision? Who knows 😅. I guess it will be a huge fuck you to everyone on the board if I go back and graduate haha. It will be a good moment tbh. More satisfying than it should be probably :).

@jessicanjpa commented on your post,

I am so, so, sorry!! My guess is right now you don’t want any more advice, so just… hugs upon hugs! I can’t imagine the stress you’re under right now. I can sympathize with getting horrible medical news and the appointments and the sleepless nights that follow. But to have martial arts taken away AND the medical school trouble on top of that? AND the board being so awful to you? Wow, that’s a lot. A LOT. And I totally understand coming to your online friends because it’s safer. At least for me it *always works that way. We’re here for you, to talk or just to care. This is really, really hard- and whatever path your life takes after this, this will be a hugely important part of your story. One that will help you be a blessing to others, especially those with similar issues. PM if you need anyone to talk to. (And one reason I love Twilight is so I can escape the crap body I’m in and fantasize about being strong and durable…. it’s honestly a lifeline in that way these days.)

Thank you, Jessica. You don’t know how much this all means to me and how much I needed to hear something like this! I’m glad I have such great online friends, although I do wish I talked to you guys more often. I’m just hella shy and been kind of distant lately due to trying to digest everything that’s been happening over the last 6-ish months. I just hate having to pick between feeling safe, and having a fun time (with martial arts, among other more thrill seeking activities I like). Part of me likes getting advice, but I think that’s because I sometimes feel like if I knew something new or have some new perspective, everything will change and I’ll be all enlightened. But, I don’t think it actually works that way sadly. I just need to continue to work though everything and hope there is some reason or good that will come out of it. I’m sorry to hear that you can relate to medical troubles and all of the crap that comes with it :/. It’s especially hard if you are prone to overthinking or have an overactive imagination, which I’m assuming you can relate. I hope you are doing alright tho <3.

It’s all slightly ironic too because my personal statement when I applied to medical school was about the long-term psychological effects of chronic illness and how as a medical professional I want to educate patients about all of their options, while also comforting them through the healing process. And here I am now lmao.

That’s really the only thing that is getting me through this whole situation. The fact that someday someone may be going through something similar and I may be fortunate enough to give them some comfort, even if it isn’t in the medical field. It’s def given me a lot more perspective too on various things and changed my outlook on certain things. I’m just hoping in the long run it will make me more empathetic; sometimes I get worried that eventually it’ll make me callous/cold tbh. And that’s like my worst nightmare.

Twilight, among other fantasy stories, is the perfect escape. And now I can wonder what weird vampire special ability I would have because positives; maybe I’d be really cool and dangerous! It’s just nice to have a fantasy escape for my over-imaginative mind.

#yall are amazing #thank you guys

6 notes · View notes

sulietsexual · 7 years

Note

Supernatural + Swan Song and Buffy + The Gift

Swan Song

Short opinion: If this had been the series finale, it would have rivaled Not Fade Away as my favourite series finale ever.

Long opinion: Much like I believe The Gift should have been the series finale for BtVS I truly believe that Swan Song should have been the end of SPN. Not only has the show continued far past its use-by date, to the point where the characters and plot are essentially going around in circles, but Swan Song is such a perfect, epic, amazing episode that I honestly can’t imagine the show being able to top it when it does come to its eventual conclusion.

Supernatural was initially only supposed to run for five seasons, and it really shows. While the Lucifer arc was obviously a new addition to the already-established arc of Azazel’s special children, the way in which the writers incorporated the Heaven and Hell storyline into the ongoing arc worked beautifully, both narratively and thematically, and Swan Song is the culmination of this, tying almost everything together seamlessly, while also containing some gorgeous characterisation for the boys.

An ongoing theme in the early seasons of Supernatural is Sam’s search for emancipation coupled with Dean’s co-dependency and longing for family. There is a constant tug-of-war between the brothers in regards to this, with Sam often feeling smothered and controlled by Dean, who in turn often feels hurt and rejected by Sam’s need for freedom and search to find himself outside of hunting. Season 5 explores these themes thoroughly, starting with the broken trust between the brothers in the aftermath of Sam’s betrayal in Season 4, paying particular attention to Sam’s reasonings behind going off with Ruby. Over the season, we see both boys acknowledging the wrongs they have done to one another, with Sam seeking redemption for his actions and Dean finally realising that he needs to let Sammy grow up and find independence. This all culminates in Swan Song, with Dean one hundred per cent letting go of Sam, and allowing him to make the decision to take in Lucifer of his own volition.

Themes aside, the episode is just gorgeously sewn together, starting with Chuck’s endearing narration about the Impala, going through to the intense final showdown between Lucifer and Dean. The final fight between Lucifer and Dean only serves to underline how deep and true the brothers’ bond is, as it’s their history and love which allows Sam to regain control over his body and open the gate to return Lucifer to Hell. It’s a true testament to the relationship between the brothers, and no other episode on the show has underlined this so beautifully.

The episode also showcases Jared’s superb acting skills. His performance as Lucifer is at once intriguing, fascinating and wholly unsettling, in particular, the facial twitches which suggest that Lucifer is not completely in control of his new vessel. Jared even alters his voice, speaking in a slightly lower pitch and with a smoothness to his words he doesn’t display as Sam. All up, I’d say Lucifer is probably Jared’s strongest performance of the show.

As said before, this episode is seamlessly put together. Chuck’s narration ties the events and themes of not only the season but the whole show together, and gives the episode an air of finality which would have worked beautifully have it been a series finale. It’s also well-paced and terrifically acted, with not only Jared, but Jensen, Misha and particularly Jacob Able as Michael shining in this episode. The build up to Sam taking in Lucifer is full of tension and anticipation and the final showdown at the graveyard is epic. The beautiful score adds to the feel and emotion of the episode wonderfully, and the seamless narration gives an air of finality. All up, just an amazing episode, one which would have been an incredible end to what was originally a great series.

The Gift

Short opinion: The best episode BtVS has to offer.

Long opinion: As stated on several occasions, including this ask, my personal belief is that The Gift is really where Buffy should have ended. Thematically and narratively it was the perfect place to end the series and would have been a fantastic send-off for the show.

From a strictly narrative point of view, The Gift is a near-perfect episode. It ties together the ongoing arc of the season, with the reveal of how the Key activates and the final showdown between Buffy and Glory, with Glory’s plans coming to fruition. It contains some great action sequences, lets almost every character shine in their own way, and is beautifully scripted and well-paced. But more so than its’ narrative arc, The Gift ties together Buffy’s personal themes of self-discovery and learning what it means for her to be The Slayer.

Buffy’s journey over the course of Season 5 is probably the most personal and in-depth look at her Slayer-ness that we’ve seen on the show. While previous seasons have focused on Buffy’s romantic and personal relationships, this is truly the first season to seriously focus on her own personal journey of self-discovery, starting with the very first scene of the season, which shows her going out on the hunt after being unable to sleep.

Many of the episodes of this season focus on this journey, from the somewhat over-hyped Fool For Love, to the under-appreciated Intervention, Buffy’s determination to discover what being a Slayer truly means lies a the heart of her narrative and thematic arc for this season. We see her renew her training with Giles, as well as researching and delving into the history of the Slayer. The biggest moment for Buffy in this journey is her confrontation with the First Slayer and the cryptic message that death is her gift, which she ultimately comes to understand in the final episode, making the sacrifice to save her sister and the world, as well as finding peace within herself. It’s one of the most beautiful meta moments of the series, as Buffy realises that death is not only her gift to the world, but also a gift to herself, as it allows her to escape from a world of pain and loss, and have her passing mean something.

The other big theme which ties into this episode nicely is the running theme of family and responsibility. The appearance of Dawn in this season coupled with Joyce’s illness turns Buffy into the head of the family, with a lot of responsibility resting on her young shoulders, and we see Buffy really struggling not only with this new responsibility, but with her perceived inability to love, or at the very least, show her love. This episode proves that not only can Buffy love, she loves deeply, richly and to somewhat detrimental degrees. Her refusal to sacrifice Dawn to save the world, while frustrating, is also completely understandable and works into these ongoing themes wonderfully.

Thematic and narrative arcs aside, The Gift is just a great episode in general. It’s a wonderfully scripted episode, from the beautifully understated opening scene which subtly underlines Buffy’s desire to escape her destiny, to the wonderful and heartbreaking climax, the scenes in this episode are some of the best of the show. Every character is given their moment to shine, from Xander taking out Glory with the wrecking ball, to Willow restoring Tara’s sanity, to Giles’ shocking yet completely in-character murder of Ben, no character is overlooked or forgotten. Special mention has to go to Dawn for being willing to sacrifice herself before Buffy decides to take her place.

The direction of the episode is fantastic, as is the pacing and timing, and the score is one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking scores heard on BtVS. All up, The Gift really is the pinnacle of BtVS as a show, and it’s such a shame that it wasn’t the series finale, as it would have been an incredibly fitting and perfect place to end the show.

#answered #karaszorelsdanvers #spn meta #buffy the vampire slayer #btvs meta #meta

22 notes · View notes

ellymackay · 4 years

Text

Insomnia in the Elderly Is Often Eclipsed by Other Disorders But Recognizing It Can Help Resolve Comorbidities

The following blog post Insomnia in the Elderly Is Often Eclipsed by Other Disorders But Recognizing It Can Help Resolve Comorbidities is courtesy of Elly Mackay's Sleep Blog

Geriatric populations are simultaneously more likely to have insomnia and less likely to tell their medical team about it.

By Greg Thompson

Older adults tend to have multiple health concerns, and the question becomes: Are the problems causing poor sleep, or is poor sleep causing the problems? Sonia Ancoli-Israel, PhD, has wrestled with the chicken-or-the-egg conundrum, and she finds no easy answers.

“We know insomnia predisposes one to being more susceptible to disease,” says Ancoli-Israel, professor emeritus and professor of research in the department of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine. “There’s memory issues, concentration issues, and reaction-time issues. There’s cardiovascular disease, neurodegenerative disease, cancer, arthritis—all those are comorbid with insomnia.”

Ancoli-Israel contends that many of the symptoms of “very disturbed sleep” can even mimic dementia. If clinicians fail to discern what is actually going on, months could be wasted on incorrect treatments. “That’s one reason why it’s important to evaluate sleep and make the diagnosis of insomnia, if that is in fact the case in older adults,” she says. “Sometimes older adults will report insomnia when in fact they’re phase advanced, which means they get sleepier earlier in the evening and they wake up early in the morning.”

“Early morning insomnia” happens when older adults wake up too early and can’t get back to sleep, Ancoli-Israel explains, calling this phenomenon the “biggest complaint” older adults have within the sleep realm.

“Within their circadian rhythm, their core body temperature is rising, and that’s when they’re waking up,” she explains. “It’s actually a normal time to wake up. The question is: What time are they going to sleep? If they are still forcing themselves to stay up later, even though they are sleepy, they end up not getting enough sleep at night and they see that as ‘insomnia.’”

Making the right diagnosis depends on asking the right questions. Inquiring about difficulty falling and staying asleep is not enough. Ancoli-Israel’s checklist includes determining natural circadian rhythms (which likely have changed over time), as well as determining when patients start getting sleepy at night. “That’s probably the key question, because if they are getting sleepy at 8 pm, then they are probably phase advanced,” she says. “If they are not going to sleep until later, that’s where problems start. It’s about listening to their body, but it’s also about physicians asking what the body is telling them.”

If clinicians find multiple comorbidities linked to insomnia, and most likely they will, Michael V. Vitiello, PhD, points out that new thinking is required in light of recent research.

“In the older adult population, chronic insomnia tends to be comorbid rather than uncomplicated,” says Vitiello, professor of psychiatry & behavioral sciences, gerontology & geriatric medicine at the University of Washington, Seattle. “Old wisdom held that when insomnia occurred comorbid with another illness, it was ‘secondary’ and successful treatment of the comorbid illness would typically resolve the insomnia. Research has shown that things are not so simple, and in most comorbid situations, insomnia is a disorder, per se, rather than merely a symptom, and worthy of treatment in its own right.”

Extensive literature has emerged examining the efficacy of cognitive-behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I) to treat uncomplicated and comorbid insomnia. According to Vitiello, recent metaanalyses of CBT-I clinical trials literature have demonstrated that CBT-I is highly effective and has sustained benefit.1-3 “Further they have shown that improving sleep with CBT-I can also result in improvement in the comorbid disorder,”3 adds Vitiello. “This later finding clearly demonstrates that in many cases insomnia is not simply a symptom, but a disorder that can have direct impact on a disorder comorbid with it.”

When diagnosing insomnia in older adults, Vitiello points out that multiple comorbidities and high medication usage are common. Effective care requires individualized assessment and meticulous follow-up. “When considering insomnia symptoms, it is important to distinguish between age-appropriate sleep changes and clinically significant insomnia,” Vitiello says. “Nonpharmacologic therapies, such as CBT-I, should always be the first-line treatment and are highly effective for uncomplicated and comorbid insomnia.”

Don Townsend, PhD, DABSM, founder of Insomnia Expertz PLL in Scottsdale, Ariz, says much of the recent literature points to older adults’ chronic health conditions as the biggest factors in the presence of sleep disorders, including insomnia. “It is extremely common for me to work with older adults who have three to five chronic health conditions, like hypertension, cardiovascular disease, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic pain, and diabetes,” says Townsend, a clinical psychologist who is board certified in sleep medicine and behavioral sleep medicine. “In any number of these conditions, the medication used to treat has an impact on sleep.”

In the retirement mecca of Scottsdale, Townsend sees many insomnia problems related to the loss of regular working hours. He says, “A lot of them retire abruptly, and that changes everything in life. They went from working 60 hours a week and now have 60 hours of free time. One thing I have to do with older adults is structuring their day so they are just as busy and productive as they once were.”

Over- and Under-Diagnosing

William V. McCall, MD, believes that over-diagnosing insomnia in older adults may be as big of a problem as under-diagnosing. “The people who over-diagnose may be the patients themselves,” says McCall, who serves as the Case Distinguished University Chair of the department of psychiatry and health behavior and executive vice dean for the Medical College of Georgia at Augusta University.

Failing to recognize the unfavorable aspects of normal aging is the usual culprit. “There are more middle-of-the-night awakenings among older adults, sleep is perceived as lighter, and older folks may fall asleep earlier and get up earlier,” McCall says, “so they may complain of waking up too early.”

To make the diagnosis of insomnia disorder, McCall says sleeping problems “must cause either significant psychological distress, some sort of functional impairment, or other type of daytime problems such as irritability, loss of concentration, and fatigue.”

Under-diagnosis can also happen because talk of cholesterol, high blood pressure, pre-diabetes, arthritis, and other disorders perceived as more urgent tend to “move the insomnia complaint down to the bottom,” McCall says.

“Certainly there are people who have insomnia pure and simple, unrelated to physical conditions or psychological problems,” McCall says. “However, by the time someone votes with his feet and sees a doctor for help, you now have a more rarified group, and the presence of comorbidities is quite high. Comorbidity is the rule rather than the exception when it comes to insomnia. Of the comorbidities that are most interesting over the last few years, the first is sleep apnea.”

Thirty years ago, clinicians assumed that obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) was a feature of hypersomnia—that is, too much sleep. “There is accumulating evidence over the last decade that OSA can, in some instances, present with insomnia as opposed to hypersomnia,” McCall says.

Another neglected facet of insomnia is its relation to suicide. McCall completed a study two years ago with a cohort of patients who had insomnia complicated by major depressive disorder, and all were suicidal. The study looked at whether targeted treatment of insomnia did something beneficial for their suicidal thinking.4

“I intensely followed the literature until there were about 60 studies showing that insomnia was a risk factor for suicide,” McCall says. “This was true in older people, middle-aged people, young adults, adolescents, men, women. It is absolutely a universal phenomenon.”

McCall ultimately got together a group of “depressed suicidal insomniacs” and treated their depression by putting them on Prozac, or something similar, eventually giving half of the cohorts a sleeping pill while the other half received a placebo. “The hypothesis was that targeted treatment of insomnia does a better job, in conjunction with antidepressants, of reducing suicidal ideation as compared to an antidepressant combined with a placebo,” he says. “That turned out to be the case.”4

Jennifer Martin, PhD, professor of medicine at the David Geffen School of Medicine, University of California, Los Angeles, agrees that the psychological side of the insomnia equation should continue to warrant attention. “We have known for a long time that more medical comorbidities are associated with higher risk for insomnia in older adults,” says Martin, who also serves on the board of directors for the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. “What has been clearer in the recent past is that there is a strong connection between poor sleep and poor mental health. We also know that treating insomnia can be very beneficial for older adults and that we can use the same treatments regardless of age.”

One of the reasons insomnia is difficult to diagnose in older adults is that many people accept poor sleep as part of normal aging. In Martin’s experience, it means they are unlikely to discuss sleep concerns with healthcare providers. “Furthermore, older adults are likely to have more than one sleep disorder, especially sleep apnea and insomnia together,” she says. “We know from recent studies that it is usually necessary to treat both conditions for older adults to feel well.”

To diagnose insomnia, Martin maintains that clinicians should be looking for symptoms that occur at least three times per week for at least three months and are significant enough to impact how a person feels or functions during the day. “A few bad nights in response to a stressful situation is actually normal,” she says, “and getting back to good sleep habits usually does the trick.”

The ability to know the difference between “a few bad nights” and actual insomnia has only sharpened over the years. Seema Khosla, MD, FCCP, FAASM, medical director at the North Dakota Center for Sleep in Fargo, ND, has seen the progress firsthand. “For example, paradoxical insomnia used to be called ‘sleep-state misperception,’” she says. “This is when someone feels like they aren’t sleeping well, or at all, but when we study them, they are getting adequate sleep hours and are actually asleep by EEG criteria.”

Khosla appreciates that clinicians are more willing these days to explore the short-term and long-term effects of insomnia. Far from the old days of dismissing the importance of diagnosing insomnia in the elderly, the medical community has continued to link negative outcomes to insomnia. “For example, there has been more data linking coronary artery disease with insufficient sleep,” Khosla says. “We have learned how important sleep is for memory and how sleep allows for the brain to be ‘cleared’ of debris. When this debris has been analyzed, some is beta-amyloid, one of the proposed culprits for Alzheimer’s. The list of comorbid medical disorders [with insomnia] is growing as both clinicians and researchers explore these links. What was once felt to be a nuisance has proven to be a significant disorder that merits evaluation and treatment.”

With so many physical and psychological concerns underpinning the presentation of insomnia in older adults, Eric Nofzinger, MD, founder and chief medical officer of Ebb Therapeutics, is not surprised that insomnia often gets overshadowed. One solution is to recognize insomnia as an independent medical disorder that is worthy of treatment, while also putting some additional thought into marketing.

“Sleep physicians should begin with educational marketing campaigns, elaborating on the causes and cures for insomnia in the elderly,” Nofzinger says. “Distribute this information to referring healthcare providers. The sleep physician needs to be seen as an authority in this area, ready to take the time and energy to evaluate and treat these individuals. Over time, practice referrals will begin to broaden as sleep physicians are seen as trusted allies.”

W. Joseph Herring, MD, PhD, associate vice president, global clinical research, neuroscience at Merck Research Laboratories, echoes the sentiment that education is key. “Education to enhance insomnia awareness would help physicians and patients be better prepared to recognize insomnia as a clinical entity unto itself which warrants treatment and to appreciate that bad sleep doesn’t have to just be accepted as a part of the aging process,” he says. “A better understanding of the importance of good sleep hygiene behaviors would also be important, both to confirm that sufficient opportunity is being given for quality sleep and to evaluate the potential for other therapeutic options to provide relief if sleep hygiene measures alone fail to alleviate the problem.”

Use the channels that a patient population is already accustomed to receiving information to get the word out. “Examples sleep physicians could consider for outreach include through primary care physicians, hospitals where care is administered, local nursing homes, via advocacy organizations, or even through family and caregivers,” Herring says. “The elderly often rely on and need the help of their loved ones and health advocates to speak up and proactively discuss their sleep issues with their treating clinician; targeted community outreach could help facilitate these conversations and ensure patients get the insomnia treatment plan that’s right for them.”

Greg Thompson is a Loveland, Colo-based freelance writer.

References

Trauer JM, Qian MY, Doyle JS , et al. Cognitive behavioral therapy for chronic insomnia: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Ann Intern Med. 2015 Aug 4;163(3):191-204.

Geiger-Brown JM, Rogers VE, Liu W, et al. Cognitive behavioral therapy in persons with comorbid insomnia: A meta-analysis. Sleep Med Rev. 2015 Oct;23:54-67.

Wu JQ, Appleman ER, Salazar RD, Ong JC. Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia comorbid with psychiatric and medical conditions: a meta-analysis. JAMA Intern Med. 2015 Sep;175(9):1461-72.

McCall WV, Benca RM, Rosenquist PB, et al. Reducing suicidal ideation through insomnia treatment (REST-IT): a randomized clinical trial. Am J Psychiatry. 2019 Nov 1;176(11):957-65.

from Sleep Review https://www.sleepreviewmag.com/sleep-disorders/insomnia/early-awakening-insomnia/insomnia-elderly-comorbidities/

from Elly Mackay - Feed https://www.ellymackay.com/2020/04/08/insomnia-in-the-elderly-is-often-eclipsed-by-other-disorders-but-recognizing-it-can-help-resolve-comorbidities/

0 notes

usnewsaggregator-blog · 6 years

Text

Man United hero Gary Neville: Why I'll never manage again

New Post has been published on http://usnewsaggregator.com/man-united-hero-gary-neville-why-ill-never-manage-again/

Man United hero Gary Neville: Why I'll never manage again

Gary Neville knows the cliches. You will hear them bandied about frequently. ‘No more characters, not enough leaders.’ He may even have been tempted to use them when he watched an England team he helped to coach implode against Iceland or his Valencia team concede their seventh goal at the Nou Camp.

As with most cliches, there is a grain of truth. Neville certainly agrees there is a generation of players less prepared for the mental challenges of the game than he was. His response has been to set up a university with his ‘Class of 92’ partners — brother Phil, Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes and Nicky Butt.

‘There are some things that happened with England that I would never go into the detail of, but there were young players who I felt really weren’t robust or resilient enough to cope with what was about to hit them in terms of exposure, limelight, criticism, praise and fame,’ he says.

Gary Neville is hoping to train a generation of leaders with his new university initiative

He has set up a university with his ‘Class of 92’ partners including Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes

‘UA92’ joins Neville’s multitude of business ventures, the most famous being Salford City FC

‘Rather than saying: “Well, in my day, they were tougher, more resilient, better characters, more leaders” — which I’d heard, I don’t know how many times — I thought: “Hang on a minute. What can we actually do?” We were given the opportunity as young players; a great grounding, not just in football but in life by our coaches, Nobby Stiles and Eric Harrison.

‘About four or five months before I went to Valencia, I’d been coaching with England and we had a partnership with Salford University through our football club, Salford City. At the time I got to know Amanda Broderick, who was Dean of the College of Business and Law at Salford University, and we were talking about the vulnerabilities in young footballers. She was seeing the same at an academic level: people weren’t ready for employment when they came out of university.

‘They needed more work to be done so they were ready for the work and for that slog which happens when you come out of university at 21 and have 40 years in front of you. You’re going to be criticised and praised, you’ll have to self-analyse, you’ll have to be able to present to an audience. All those things breed confidence, leaders and authority.

‘She was seeing the same things in education as I saw in football. As a football coach, the maximum amount of people you can impact with your values and principles is 20, the players you have in your team. I started to think how we could actually impact more people.

‘We talked to Amanda and established 10 pillars or principles that I think everyone should have instilled in them between 16 and 21. We put in a sum of money to do a study to see if we could turn this into something deliverable as an education.’

Neville wants to give young people the confidence to lead he gained during his academy days

At the same time as the research was being commissioned and the University of Lancaster and Microsoft were being brought in as partners, Neville was offered the Valencia job by business partner Peter Lim. He was also preparing for Euro 2016 as an assistant coach with England, as well as co-owning Salford City, developing a multi-purpose tower block in Manchester and a new restaurant and hotel, The Stock Exchange, to add to the former United players’ Hotel Football opposite Old Trafford.

Valencia ended in the sack and England in resignation after defeat by Iceland. Given his commitments, it always seemed coaching aspirations were on hold. Now he is more definite.

‘It’ll never happen,’ he says. ‘I’m a million miles away. I suppose never is a strong word because in 10 years you might wake up and say: “I want to coach.” I love football and the camaraderie but I don’t want to be in that environment any more.

‘Up until 15 months ago I was coach of England and 19 months ago I was coach of Valencia, so it would be impossible to say at that stage that I’m never going to be a coach, but I had turned down two or three Premier League jobs, I turned down two Championship jobs and I wasn’t going to go into coaching.

Neville felt the England players he coached at Euro 2016 – who lost to Iceland – lacked leaders

‘I did it because it was my business partner and I thought that the opportunity for an Englishman to manage one of the top four or five clubs in Spain was never going to happen again. It was an unbelievable opportunity and it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to, but I enjoyed every minute and it taught me a lot and things I will apply to my business life. I don’t regret going to Spain and I would have liked to have stayed in Valencia for 18 months, but I wouldn’t have continued in coaching.

‘My ultimate aim is to learn as much about business, sport, media and education over the next five or 10 years and deliver these projects and then settle down into a role over the next 10 to 15 years and be able to say that I’ve taught myself how to be a businessman, or someone who works in the media or in education, but these next five years are set for me now. I can’t move from what I’m doing now.

‘The buzz from football up to the age of 32 was incredible and that can probably never be replaced, but compared to the last three years of my career, I enjoy what I’m doing now far more. I look forward to football, but I don’t want anything to do with it in terms of playing or coaching, and that’s not because of my experiences with England or Valencia.

‘I was moving my career to these projects. I’m stimulated every day to be the best I can be in business and it will either be a failure or success in the next 15 years but that’s what I want to be.’

Neville has no intention of returning to coaching after an ill-fated spell in charge of Valencia

With his growing business experience, many might consider him a natural executive at Manchester United but he says not. ‘I would never say never but I can’t see it at all at the moment. With everything I have on, there would be no role in football I would be able to take because it would mean me stepping away from the projects I have. I’ve committed to too much out of football to take a job in football over the next five years.’

The university campus itself, University Academy 92 or UA92, will be next to the Old Trafford cricket ground. A public consultation is taking place but students should be coming for the 2019 academic year, eventually rising to 10,000 a year. It will focus on business studies, media, sports administration and hospitality courses, the areas in which Neville and his former team-mates have experience.

The twist is the extra components which add mental strength, whether that be physical challenges which need to be completed or psychological support. Even for Neville’s well-known zest for taking on the improbable, it’s ambitious, but he remains undaunted.

Neville admits it is ambitious to add a university to a list of ventures which includes a hotel

‘We want the students to be resilient when they come out with the degree from Lancaster University and go into a great job,’ he says. ‘In 10 years’ time, we want to look back and be thinking we changed people’s lives.

‘We’ve been given so much by United, by the people who worked at United. We’re the most-famous intake of young football players, along with Busby Babes, that have ever come out of this country. For all six of us to come out of one youth team means that there is an obligation not to just sit back and say: “We’ve finished our football careers and we’re all Mr ex-Manchester United now.”

‘We should use our strength, our name to create what I think are great projects which can affect a lot of people and do things that will impact young people in this area. All of us together have an obligation to give people a chance because that’s what happened to us.

‘If we don’t believe in doing that, after what happened to us, it would be a huge waste of the faith that we’ve built up.’

Original Article:

Click here

#again #manage #never #neville #united

0 notes

hekate1308 · 6 years

Text

Call Of Nature

More siren!Cas AU because I love this series. Enjoy!

Sam has grown used to being whisked away in order to deal with legal monster problems, while always feeling slightly queasy afterwards. True, Dean and Cas are still careful not to drag him into too many monster adventures; but he likes to think they have found a balance of sorts.

It seems, however, that his colleagues have not.

One day he returns from lunch and finds the other junior lawyers engrossed in conversation with...

He sighs. “Crowley?”

The demon turns around and grins. “Moose. Long time no see.”

It’s a lie. Sam had dinner with Dean and Cas two days ago and of course he showed up because he inevitably does.

“What is it this time?”

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t sound so enthusiastic. We do pay for your services, you know.”

They do indeed, and rather handsomely at that. Plus, Sam’s boss has already decided they should try and get into this new niche now that monsters are recognised citizens who have basic rights.

“I know” he acquiesces. “Let’s go.”

Crowley says goodbye to the others – going so far as to kiss Becca’s hand – and transports him and Sam to his mother’s hut.

He’s still not quite sure how a witch gave birth to a demon, and has decided that he’d rather not know.

“Samuel. Good of you to drop by.”

“Rowena –“

“She hexed me!”

Oh dear. Sam can see why Rowena wanted a lawyer present. The man in front of him looks angry, and well, the history of people being accused of using witchcraft to harm others...

“Freaking Hell, are you just going to show up with more people now? I suppose you’re a demon too –“

“No, actually. Sam Winchester, I’m a lawyer –“

“Excellent, I could use one.”

“I’m her to represent Ms. MacLEod.”

Rowena grins. “He is indeed.”

“What? She’s the one who hexed me!”

“I did nothing of the kind, you stupid little man. You have a cold.”

“For the last two weeks! And you were there when I picked my car up from the siren’s fuck toys shop.”

Sam stiffens. “I’m sorry?”

“You know, the one the siren keeps ensnared.”

“I assure you, my brother-in-law is doing no such thing.”

The man sneers. “Of course. You’re one of them.”

“Alright”.

Sam turns to look at Crowley. His eyes are red, and there’s something feral in his voice and pose, as if he’s about to attack.

A part of him would actually let him.

“Crowley, how about you wait outside?” he suggests. “It might be best for us all –“

“He’s right” Rowena agrees. “Why don’t you check up on Dean and Cas, let them know Sam’s here.”

For a second, Sam thinks he’ll refuse, but then his eyes slowly turn back to green and he nods.

“I would advise you” he addresses their visitor right before he vanishes, “To be very careful”.

At least he’s gone the next second. Sam breathes a sigh of relief. He’s noticed Crowley becoming more and more protective of them all for a while now. Donna’s selkie boyfriend thinks it’s got to do with his soul becoming “lighter” due to Cas and Dean’s influence, but he has no idea what that’s supposed to mean.

Sam turns back to the man. “Now, Mr. –“

In the end, he manages to calm the man down and send him on his way, but it was a close call.

Rowena is thankful enough, gifting him with a few teabags, “Just drink this when you get a cold. You know – to do the opposite of what this idiot thinks I did.”

He nods and leaves. Sam’s tempted to check in on Dean and Cas, but he can’t deny that he’s still slightly nervous around Crowley – somewhat nice or not, he’s still a demon – and so he doesn’t.

Sam probably should be delighted that Crowley for once hasn’t appeared to drag him away (despite Dean’s assurances that it will eventually happen he hasn’t yet grown comfortable with being beamed around).

Instead, he warily studies the demon standing in front of him. There’s something different about him, but Sam can’t put his finger on it.

He looks... tired. Do demons get tired? He has no idea. Sure, he and Dean talk during their weekly lunches, and he comes ti visit him and his husband and occasionally helps out when there’s trouble in suburbia, but Dean usually spares him the details.

“Hello, Sam.”

That’s... strange. No Moose or funny – well, what Crowley considers funny – comment? “Crowley.”

“I was wondering if I might consult you in your professional capacity.”

“Of course.”

“I’d like to set up my will.”

That’s... even stranger. Demons can’t die, can they?

“Just a precaution” he adds in his abrupt manner, and Sam doesn’t stop and think because he doesn’t know him as well as Dean or Cas.

He will admit he’s somewhat touched that Crowley demands most of his estate be given to his brother and brother-in-law.

When he learns how high a sum this actually includes, he has to sit down.

In the next few weeks, nothing changes much; and then suddenly Dean acts weird during their lunch, barely answering Sam’s questions, clearly distracted, and...

If he didn’t know any better he’d think he was mad at him.

“Dean? Is everything alright? Did I do anything?”

He looks at him. “You could have told us, that’s all. Don’t get me wrong, I get the lawyer client privilege, but he’s our friend and it was somewhat of a punch in the gut when he told us, we all thought he’d be around for – “

“Dean, tell you what?”

He stares at him. “You don’t know? Sam, you wrote the guy’s will!”

“Yes and?”

Dean is silent for a moment, then he says quickly, as if ripping off a band-aid, “Crowley’s dying.”

“Oh.” Sam doesn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know –“

“Me neither” Dean says bitterly, “But apparently, there’s exactly one illness that demons can catch – and guess what. It only happens very rarely, but when it does, it’s because they’ve been hanging around humans for too long, with too little contact with their own kind.”

Oh no. If Sam knows his better, and he believes he’s come to know him again rather well – “Dean, this is not your fault.”

He chuckles. “Don’t I know it. Thing is, Crowley’s sickness needs decades to develop – he said he’s known for quite some time that he was in danger. But tell that demon to socialize, and –“

“Dean” Sam interrupts him, “He’s at your place all the damn time.”

“With other demons, remember what I said?”

Sam nods. “And there’s – nothing to be done?”

“One thing” Dean says slowly. “But it’s difficult.”

He doesn’t elaborate through the whole meal.

Late, back at his place – and it only now occurs to Sam that Dean has yet to see his apartment – he considers what he’s learned, and what this means for Dean, Cas and their little monster community.

From what he’s seen, Crowley holds a place of respect among them, and he’s considered a close friend by his brother. That alone would be enough to make Sam care, and so he resolves to visit Rowena. It can’t be easy for her, but she knows a lot about magical medicine. Perhaps she knows more about this cure Dean is reluctant to speak of.

He doesn’t tell his brother that he’ll go to her hut in the woods.

She greets him as always; there’s no grief or worry in her face or her words, and Sam almost thinks Dean is mistaken until she says, “Are you here about my son’s will?”

“No” he answers. “But Dean mentioned a remedy, and...”

“Ah. Samuel, are you certain?”

“Certain of what?”

She points at a chair in front of her and he sits down. “There’s a reason your brother hasn’t told you everything. It’s the same he hasn’t been to your apartment yet, even though he’d like to see where you live, why your contact even now consists of only small, shared moments in two hugely different lives.”

“I don’t –“

“Samuel.”

When she looks up from the herbs she’s been mixing, he’s glad he’s sitting down; otherwise he’d take a step back. For the first time, he can truly feel the power of a centuries-old witch. “Magic and nature are intertwined; and while you cannot completely have one without the other, you can place yourself firmly on one side. Humans – most of them, including you – they prefer the softer parts of nature, the one they can explain using physics. Not magic that is older than the ground they walk on. When a human joins us – have you ever thought it is a coincidence that so many magical creatures are drawn to Dean, even if he’s among other humans?”

Sam swallows. “So if I learn too much –“

“Exactly. When Dean told me you accepted him and his lifestyle, I assumed you’d be more curious, come over more often. I thought you had already chosen this.”

“But can’t I –“

“Are you about to ask me if you can have your cake and eat it too while my son is –“ she breaks off.

“Of course not. I’m sorry” Sam says honestly.

She nods. “I think you should talk to Dean. Crowley told him everything. Not that I am surprised.”

There is a sombre mood hanging over the neighbourhood this evening, and if Sam didn’t know any better, he’d say, that the air around Crowley’s house is darker than –

Who is he kidding. He does know better, and this must be another way for magic itself to mourn for one of its own.

Dean opens the door. “Sammy, didn’t expect you on this fine evening –“

“I spoke to Rowena” he says quickly.

Dean’s face falls. “I didn’t think _”

“Of course you didn’t. Dean, please, I need to know what’s going on.”

“It’s just not fair” Dean insists, “This is a life and death situation, how does this –“

“Let him come in first, my love” Cas says gently, stepping up to him. “He needs to make a decision tonight.”

Sam swallows.

“So it’s a blood ritual? That’s all it is?”

“No, Sammy” Dean replies. “Yes, don’t get me wrong, it involves the blood of two related humans voluntarily given. But it’s not as easy as forcing it down Crowley’s throat and hoping for the best. You heard Rowena; with this you’d tip your scales down on the magical side. And it’s very very hard to reverse that.”

“And? I did choose to get to know you, too...” Sam trails off as he realizes.

Yes, he has allowed Dean back into his life; but he’s never invited him or his husband over, he’s never really spent more than a day with them, he’s skirted the border when what he really needed to do was to either retreat or jump right in.

“Did you –“

Dean smiles weakly. “I fell in love with a magical creature, Sam. My entry into this world... it happened gradually. This is one big leap we’re asking you to take for someone you don’t even know that well.”

“But I am doing it for someone I know well. I’m doing it for you.”

“And for that, you will live with bogey men? Dragons? Pixies?”

“All of that, Dean. Yes. Rowena is right; you either have to fully accept this life, or you have to step back. I am not going to step back.”

Dean studies his face, then draws him into a tight hug. “Thanks, Sammy.”

Rowena arrives immediately after Dean has called her; she doesn’t thank them, but there’s a contentment in her expression Sam has never seen before.

“You do realize” she explains as she draws their blood, “That does will not only take you on our side of nature, but you two and your respective spouses will also be considered part of mine and my son’s family?”

“Fine by us” Dean says after he’s shared a glance with Cas.

Sam smiles. He’s made his decision. “I’m good.”

Rowena is the one to bring the drink to Crowley. The next morning – Sam, Dean and Cas are having breakfast – Crowley, as brash, as healthy, as annoying as ever, surprises them with croissants straight from Paris.

When he comes home to find a hobglobin going through his sock drawer, Sam grins.

Some decisions are best made in haste, it seems.

#my writings #destiel #siren!cas #addams family au

14 notes · View notes

brainfoodgp · 7 years

Text

Seeds For Wellness Journal May/2017

“We all end up on bad roads, those blind alleys I’m always talking about. Remember the moments in the sun, the sky full of words.” -Tennessee Williams-

May this year has been an exciting Mental Health Awareness Month. The month kicked off with my being recognized as the NY1 Queens Person of the Week for my work and journey with Brain Food Garden Project. I also had two follow up partnership meetings and some exciting projects are taking shape that I hope to be able to share with everyone in the coming months. I published our second special edition Mental Health Awareness Month blog if you missed it Click Here

One of the subjects I discussed in that edition was the need to start publishing the Seeds for Wellness Journal only 6 times a year. This will be my last regular monthly blog post. Starting in July with our first Summer issue we will be posting seasonally with two “special edition” blogs each year in May with our Mental Health Awareness edition and in October with a special Food Justice edition in honor of World Food Day.

This last issue before starting our new seasonal rotation is a special one indeed. I am so happy to publish our first guest writer actress and jazz vocalist Daralyn Jay’s article, 4 Tips for Coping with a Loved One Suffering from Mental Illness in the BFGP Feature. Daralyn and I have been friends for more than 20 years and she was one of the original 5 members of the think tank I lovingly refer to as my, “Big Green Machine,” these wonderful people were the first to offer support, advice and a clearing house for all my thoughts and ideas as I started to form my vision for Brain Food Garden Project. Daralyn was also the friend that called 911 and finally got me the help I needed and has supported me every step of the way on my road to recovery.

Also this month we ran a Facebook series on different communities dealing with mental health concerns. Don’t worry if you missed any of them all 5 are revisited in this month’s Notes From the Resistance. As always I let you all in on what I’ve been reading this month and offer up several of my new favorite summer dessert recipes. One simple recipe that is, but with many mouthwatering ingredients to mix it up all summer long!

As everyone celebrates Memorial Day this weekend and enjoys the first of what I hope will be many fun summer BBQ’s for you, your friends and family. Please take some time to remember those that fought and died to keep our country free. I know I’ll be thinking of my grandfather who fought in WWII and lived so many wonderful years after to share with me the history.

The BFGP Feature:

Daralyn Jay is an actress, singer and writer that resides in New York City. She costarred with Matthew Modine in the critically praised revival of Horton Foote’s To Kill A Mockingbird at Hartford Stage and most recently starred in the film festival award winning short film Tobacco Burn. Daralyn’s dynamic jazz vocals have been heard by audiences from Paris to the coastal resorts of Turkey to Harlem, New York’s hottest nightclubs. To learn more about our featured writer Click Here

4 Tips for Coping with a Loved One Suffering from Mental Illness by Daralyn Jay

When Sean first asked me to write a post about my experiences having someone with mental health issues in my life for his blog, I was immediately confronted with a feeling of overwhelm at the enormity of the task. Where to begin? And how to begin? Sean and I have known one another for more than 20 years now, and I have borne witness to his struggles with bipolar depression for much of that time. Does he really want me to tell the story of that long night’s journey into day? I’d always said that it was Sean’s story to tell, and I was hesitant to reveal many details of that journey.

It was a phone call with another friend that prompted me to finally pick up the phone and tell Sean, “OK, I’ll do it.” My other friend had reached out to me to check on the whereabouts of our mutual friend. For the sake of clarity, we’ll call these friends Frank and Sammy (and yes, that makes me Dean). Sammy had been having disturbing discussions and text message exchanges with Frank, the last of which made him worry about Frank’s safety. As Sammy detailed their conversations, I heard him express the same feelings that I’d experienced many times during Sean’s episodes: fear and frustration were the two that were most apparent. I shared some techniques that I’ve tried over the years that helped me cope with Sean’s mental health issues. He thanked me and said that our conversation was very helpful. And he seems to be handling the unpredictable waves of having a friend struggling with mental illness in his life better. So, I thought: if my insights could help Sammy, maybe they can help someone else in a similar situation.

#1 – Know what you can do and do it.

The first thing we all have the ability to do is to listen. There are many ways to listen, and in the quest to help a loved one, I think they all come into play. Firstly, listen without judgment. Try to process what is being said to you, even if you don’t understand it from your personal experience. It has taken a great act of courage for this person to come to you, so do your best to honor what is being said. Also, listen to more than the words being said. A person won’t necessarily tell you, “I want to kill myself,” but may say things like “I don’t care what happens to me,” or “People would be better off without me.” Lastly, offer some advice. You’re not there to solve anyone’s problems, and (spoiler alert for #4!) you probably can’t, but offer what you can say that is supportive and empowering. If your loved one is feeling isolated, let her know that she can reach out to you at any time. Encourage her to seek professional help. Share experiences from your life that might help her see this is not a unique problem. I downplayed a lot of my own feelings and emotions at this stage, which I think is important in listening without judgment. But I still had them, and something needed to be done with them. Which leads me to…

#2 – Educate yourself.

The more you know about what your loved one is facing, the more empowered you will feel to help them. If he or she is dealing with alcohol and/or substance abuse, find out about what friends and family can do. I called the suicide prevention hotlines in the states of Georgia and New York on several occasions to ask them for advice. Their answer was the same: If your friend has said that he is thinking about killing himself, this is a cry for help and should be taken seriously. Call 911 if he is in imminent danger.

That’s a hard call to make. Especially when you’re in two different states, and he said that he was thinking about taking his cat’s cyanide pills but he hadn’t taken them yet. Thankfully, Sean didn’t take the cat’s cyanide pills. In retrospect, I should have called 911 then anyway.

#3 – Take care of yourself.

So how do you take care of yourself when it seems as though someone else’s life depends on you? Think of the instructions we are given on an airplane: In the event of an emergency, place the air mask on yourself before helping others. If you’re gasping for air yourself, there’s very little you can do for anyone else.

Maintain time for yourself. You can still be available for others but take time for self-care. Do something for you, and only you, that makes you feel relaxed and re-energized. Turn off your phone and go the gym, take a long walk, get your nails done or put on your favorite music and take an hour to listen (or dance) to it undisturbed. You want to find short, healthy activities that release tension and add balance to your life.

Set boundaries and don’t accept treatment that makes you feel disrespected or taken advantage of. One boundary-setting technique that I eventually set that I shared with Sammy was to arrange a communication plan. A disturbing phone call followed by hours or days of silence is disconcerting, frightening and simply unfair. All of us need time and space to process what is happening in our lives at times. Asking your loved one to send a simple text or call to say, “I’m fine—just don’t feel like talking right now,” goes a long way to eliminate stress and anxiety. Your feelings and well-being matter as well. Don’t forget that.

#4 – Know what you can’t do and accept it.

If you’re familiar with the Buddhist principle of detachment, then you already understand the idea of practicing compassion but distancing yourself from the outcome. All the reasoning, pleading, guilting or any other tactic you can think of cannot convince someone to take the steps they need to help themselves. But, by all means, do so. Do everything within your abilities, reminding yourself along the way that whatever happens is out of your control and is not your responsibility. Because the only person’s actions you can control are your own. You want to be able to say that you did everything in your power you could think of to do. And that is the most any of us can ever do in any situation, really.

What I’m Reading:

I am a huge fan of rereading books. And this month as I picked up several new books to start reading for the first time. I also chose to reread a favorite and one of the first books I read that truly helped me understand the depression aspect of my manic depressive self. It was written by one of my all-time favorite writers William Styron most notably remembered for being the author of Sophie’s Choice. However, if you’ve never read his beautifully written The Confessions of Nat Turner please add it to your list. And while you are online ordering add to your cart this month’s title Darkness Visible: a Memoir of Madness. Styron himself diagnosed with clinical depression captures every moment of what it feels like with a crystal clarity that will make you feel like you are in his head. To read his description of hospitalization could only be made more poetic, if like me, you were actually hospitalized in a psych ward the first time you read it. The New York Times said about this remarkable read: “Compelling…harrowing…a vivid portrait of a debilitating disorder…it offers a solace of shared experience.”

Notes from the Resistance:

This month we spent a week on Facebook bringing different stories of individual communities that are dealing with mental health concerns. From the Indigenous people of North America to LGBTQ youth. We discussed mental health in our senior citizens to the African American community. All of these communities living with mental health concerns go unheard by the current Christo fascist authoritarian regime. Let us count some of the many ways… Ending protections for LGBTQ youth in our schools, Drastic cuts in SSI and Medicare as well as huge cuts to SNAP which many of our senior’s rely on to survive. Forcing oil pipelines on Indigenous lands breaking generations of treaties. Continued police brutality and murders in the African American Community. Making it easier for those with severe mental health concerns to have easy access to purchasing guns and appointing a Mental Health Czar that will help to feed our prison system with those most severely affected by mental health and drug dependence concerns . These are some of the faces of those being pushed aside by the current regime these are this month’s notes from the resistance.

1. Prisons…Click Here

2. Youth…Click Here

3. Seniors…Click Here

4. Indigenous Americans…Click Here

5. African Americans…Click Here

Healthy & Delicious Recipes:

OMG my new favorite summer dessert and I can’t get enough of it is Chia seed pudding. Below is my favorite of the four variations you will find in the video Click Here

Almond Chocolate Chia Seed Pudding

INGREDIENTS

1 cup Greek yogurt

1 cup almond milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 tablespoons honey

¼ cup chia seeds

2 tablespoons dark cocoa powder

Slivered almonds, for topping

Chocolate shavings, for topping

PREPARATION

1. In a medium bowl, mix the yogurt, almond milk, vanilla, honey, chia seeds, and cocoa powder together until well combined.

2. Pour the mixture into an airtight container and refrigerate, covered for 30 minutes.

3. Spoon the pudding into desired serving dish and top with slivered almonds and chocolate shavings.

0 notes