#ill try to do one once a day

[spielzeugkaiser]

hey are you okay...?

you havent posted anything in a month...

yeah I know 🥺🥺😭 for someone who did that nearly daily for years it's really, really strange. (But I'm still alive, so I'm answering this, although a little late.)

In news of the trailer!! And our boy!! (and what they have done to his hair, pfpfpp) part of me wants to draw so very, very bad, but my body isn't cooperating, sadly 🥺 Hopefully I'll be able to once S3 truly starts...

#my current state of functioning it's more like riding a clownishly small bike that is on fire and slowly falling apart but alas #I do work a lot right now #lots and lots and lots of weekend shifts too #I want to quit all of my jobs and become a goat farmer 😭 #but then it would also only need a baby goat to kill me #... I wanna draw 🥺🥺 #but maybe it's also good that I don't currently something is wrong with both of my hands I have zero grip strength these days 😔 #and when do I not have a fever - maybe my body is just trying to fry itself for funsies #mixed with the migraines and the things that I still have from covid I am one ill little bean 😅🤦‍♀️ #alas! #this bean will draw once S3 is out or she goes mental 🤸‍♀️

[puppyeared]

MAN your art, but especially the latest pieces of Walking Fire Friend and Sparkle Dog really have the vibes of like, sanrio?? I want stickers and half a dozen accessories with them plastered all over so bad

!!! thank u for the kind words!! im playing around with the halftone effect, i like how it makes it look like a newspaper comic ^_^

#i also wanna design stickers so sososo bad.. id love to make some skip to loafer stickers with the main four <3 #i dont reallyknow much abt the process itself though.. and i dont have a paypal or any way to send or receive money in the first place orz #im sure ill do it once i figure it out but i appreciate the sentiment!!! #its been my dream to make my own custom motivational stickers with little dogs.. like the ones i used to get in grade school lol #im not sure if ill keep going in this direction with my art bc its all experimental but its been really fun playing around with it #its bothered me for the longest time that im just ass at rendering or putting detail in my art. but at the end of the day i just dont #care enough to go thru with it and i prefer to keep things simple anyway so that reflects my own tastes ig... #this is probably the closest ill get to a soft render that i like to see so if i could do more for that ill definitely try...!!!! #yapping #ask #answered #doodles #sona #puppysona

[the-cookie-of-doom]

for a while now, I've really been doubting my career choices with nursing. I know a lot of it is burn out and depression, and being so overwhelmed between work, school, and clinical, that I didn't have time to breathe. I was in the hospital/on campus for 60 hours a week last semester, and that's not counting the time I had to study outside of that. It was awful. I quit my job because of it, I was almost involuntarily committed because of it.

But the scariest part for me has been how much I've hated clinical. It makes me miserable. And that's terrifying, because once I graduate? That's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. So if I already hate it now, what does that mean for my future?

Sometimes, though... Sometimes I'll have a clinical that is just so good, it reminds me of why I'm doing this. Why I'm putting myself through the pain and suffering of becoming a nurse, which is honestly one of the hardest careers a person can have. It's mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. It destroys your body and your mental health. Most of the time it's thankless. It doesn't pay nearly enough for what we go through.

Despite all of the reasons there are not to become a nurse, there are some patients that will remind you why it's all worth it anyway.

Last week, I had a crotchety old bitch of a patient. She had been in the hospital for 10 days, was refusing all of her treatments, screamed at anyone that came in her room, and demanded dilaudid around the clock, despite having no injuries to justify it. Everyone hated her. Her own nurses went in her room as little as possible; I think in the entire 12 hours I was there, her nurse spent maybe a total of 20 minutes in her room. I was in there for hours. A couple minutes at a time in the beginning just so she could warm up to me. Then I spent 2 straight hours at her bedside just talking to her. Letting her tell me her life story. Which was tragic, of course, and no wonder she was so run down and bitter and wanted to get high off narcotics. She was miserable, lonely, and in chronic pain from a body that was deteriorating around her.

So I spent as much time with her as possible. Sure enough, she didn't ask me for any pain medications a single time, once she realized she could trust I was going to look after her. I Explained her medications and her treatments, and the reasoning behind them. I offered to reach out to out chaplain when I noticed she was hyper focused on some televangical broadcast. I got her to call her son to come visit her. I got her to agree to take her medications and allow us to take blood sample for her labs, which were days overdue. I got her up and working with physical therapy so she could start walking again.

By the end of the day, that patient loved me. Not a single complaint all day, she wasn't screaming down the halls and cursing everyone's existence. She was still crotchety and mean in that way old hillbillies are, but she wasn't angry. She wasn't lashing out. She was finally being cooperative. All because I took the time to talk to her and offer her company.

Tonight, I had a shift in our mental health unit. There was a patient who I noticed was very withdrawn and avoiding everyone, mostly just standing in a corner at the end of the hall, by a window. I went down and talked to him. Kind of stilted at first, but slowly he opened up to me. I really only meant to talk for a few minutes, mostly for my own sake, to get used to interacting with mental health patients like this.

Instead, we talked for hours. Nearly 3 hours straight at the start of the day alone, and then more throughout the day. My feet were killing me by the end of it, but it was completely worth it to see the way this poor guy came to life. We talked about everything from social topics like music and movies, to his medications and treatments, and how to manage his depression once he leaves. Something I was able to connect with him about on a personal level in a way his nurse hadn't, because I've been living with depression for a decade, I've been on antidepressants, and I understand. I think that was the point it clicked for him, when he really started reaching out to me, instead of answering when I prompted him. Because humans need connection and understanding.

By the end of the day he was talking freely and smiling nearly non-stop. We'd made plans for him to get back into an old hobby he hadn't touched in years, and he seemed genuinely excited to start it back up again. He was nearly bouncing in place when I went to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and thanked me for talking to him all day. Even the staff nurses noticed the way his demeanor had completely changed.

Another patient (my actual patient for the night) started the day very combative. To the point she had to be redirected to her room (not locked up, just strongly encouraged to go and cool down). She was screaming at everyone, having some very serious and severe delusions. Same story; I talked to her throughout the day, little bits whenever she was feeling calm. I noticed she had a tattoo from an old semi-niche XBox game I used to play, and we bonded over that. By the end of the shift she loved me. Kept asking me if I'd gotten lunch/dinner, made sure all the other patients on the unit got their snacks, told us all to get some rest once it was curfew for the unit (we had to stay another 2 hours) and said we could use the spare bed in her room if we needed. Which sounds really weird but coming from her was incredibly sweet. Again, total attitude change.

I am very cognizant of the fact that the way I approach my patient care is largely a privilege of still being a student. It's easy for me to stand at a patient's bedside for 2 hours straight and listen to her life story when I have nothing better to do, let alone 3 other patients to take care of. But that nurse didn't talk to her at all. Even when she was in the room, she dismissed everything the patient said. The mental health nurses? Most of their time is spent in the nursing station gossiping and messing on their phones. There's no reason for them not to put in the extra effort of spending time with their patients. And especially there, it can have such an impact.

All of that is to say, I love the relationships I'm able to build with my patients. It's so important for me to be able to connect with people like this, to make them feel seen and cared for and important. No one wants to be treated like an inconvenience, especially not while they're in the hospital, sick and hurt and exhausted and in pain.

Nights like these are why I'm going into this field. I love medicine and I always knew I would end up in the hospital, I've always wanted to be able to save someone's life. But I think now that I've grown up and I'm actually working with these patients, I've come to see not only how rewarding it is to save someone's life, but to nurture that life, too.

#cookie speaks #dont mind me i'm just feeling really sappy #im really proud of what i was able to accomplish with that patient today #he's going home tomorrow and i really hope he's able to do the things we talked about #i truly love being able to help people this way #i want to be the kind of nurse that people remember #i want my patients to feel taken care of and cared for #i dont have a single maternal bone in my body and i never thought i was much of a caretaker #but this is genuinely such a rewarding experience #i dont care how hard nursing is when I get to have days like these #I know it won't be nearly as easy once I start nursing for real #ill have so much more responsibility #but for now I'm going to take advantage of my ability to sit and talk with my patients for hours at a time #i think even if they aren't psychiatric patients #everyone wants to be heard #having someone's undivided attention makes you feel good #especially in this day and age where people are constantly talking over each other and distracted by their phones and never really present #in a conversation #so I always try to give that to others #i love therapeutic communication lol #one of my favorite parts of nursing #anyway

[skunkes]

march sucked but it also didnt and was so hawrd but it also wasnt and bad things happened but so did good things and im sad and im mixed feelings and i cried for 24 days total and im happy and im Happy and i hope things get better soon and that i have something to look forward to again soon as well goodnight

#talkys #a doodley #i finished march doodle page btw YIPPEE #ive been doing so bad at my attempted color focus for the past few months... #like march is Green so i wanted it to be mostly green but i failed. other colors compelled me too much #jan + feb were a bust too LOL #april is Purple im gonna try harder with the purple... #or if not ill at least make the first few days be purple focused like the first few days of mawrch were green #also i love drawing blob skunker with the little suction cup hands hee hee #literally the worst thing about [redacted] is that [redacted] made life so. idk. #i had the motivation to move forward for once...had hope for once...oh well...hopefully one day again... #bueno bye

[todayisafridaynight]

At which point did you realise that the plot of IW is ass? I've seen people complain only about the ending or the halfway point where the teams separate, while I was already actively rolling my eyes like four-five chapters in

i think the moment i fully accepted that IW's story was. Definitely A Story was the moment ebina announced 'bleach japan'. like i think leading up to that point i was thinking to myself 'oh i hope i see X happen' or being like 'i wonder where this is going' and that sort but the proverbial bucket of ice was definitely that moment

#infinite wealth spoilers #snap chats #what reaaaaally hammered it in too if it wasnt obvious already was the execution of the jimas/daigo like that still irks me LMAO #i cant even remember what chapter that happened in i just know when it did i was utterly pissed #i think i started to take things less seriously once bryce entered the picture but thats only because of how distracting his VA was #like much love the JP voice actors who try to speak english and japanese but i just cant act like it's not incredibly distracting #esp when the character is supposed to be white yk what i mean- or at the very least their first language is supposed to be english #typically i can look over that thing if its a one or two time kind of deal but he had to speak in english much longer than others #im just rambling about bryce tho this aint bout him. i mean he could be a part of it the cult was executed really sloppily #it might have been the introduction of bryce actually ... i remember thinking to myself 'oh brother' with the whole messiah thing LMAO #maybe it was when kiryu told us his cancer cam from radiation instead of. smoking 💀 ESPECIALLY not even five chapters in #like straight out the gate you just wanna drop that on us mr I Can Do Everything Myself I Cant Worry Others ok #thats a post for another day tho im EVERYWHERE #POINT IS this is not about Retrospect this is about First Impressions and memory warps over time #but i know for a fact i found the bleach japan thing utterly ridiculous and was squinting at the plot the entire time thereafter #like ive said this a million times at this point but although i love IW for it's gameplay (pardon some nitpicks like lack of shortcuts) #its story really feels so messy and had much to be desired. which is so sad after the wonderful stories rgg has been making since 0.. #BUT OH WELL im still excited to replay it in english. god willing i ever get the time #i still wanna finish lost judgment <- isnt even halfway through the game #and i wanna do a fun stream Maybe with YK2 but ill get into that when i get into that #if youve read this far. thanks LOL id say sorry for the novel but thats what we expect of me at this point

[somethingsomethingcomic]

deadnamed at my father's funeral

#parental death tw #family death tw #not sure how else to tag this one #yeah december was a very rough month for me :))) #i actually drew this on the way to my hometown a couple days after i got the news that my dad had passed away #fully anticipating that one of the grueling parts of the process would be the incessant deadnaming and misgendering #bc my dad himself never once used my right name after i came out to him. not once #i asked and we even got in fights about it! bc he just REFUSED to do it #didnt want to think of me as a man at all. i was his only daughter and his baby girl and he didnt wanna accept that id changed #in that way #but i do know bc his wife told me that despite not really accepting the truth about my identity #he was very glad that i seemed happy about it #so i think thats whatll be important to me about it #he didnt get it and didnt really accept it for himself but he was happy that i was happy #anyway it was indeed annoying at the service but more people were chill about it than i expected #and i also had to deal with fewer people than i thought i would #was talking to one of his old band friends who i vaguely remembered and joked that 'i was a girl last time u saw me' #and he said 'youre still a girl' and i just went 'no i am not. the sideburns beg to differ.' #then at the end of the service when people were leaving he came and asked for my New name and when i told him #he was like 'ok ill try to remember that' #i like to think he realized instantly the faux pas he made and was like Yikes. This Is Her/His Dads Funeral. Maybe I Should Be Cool. #anyway. the whole affair was exhausting but i got some nice things out of it too #like hanging out w my brothers #then we got home and me and my wife both had covid bc life wasnt done kicking me in the dick i guess! #im good now i think tho. its fine its fine its fine

[beatcroc]

listen. i love pizza tower with my whole heart & mind. you know this. you Know. but first and foremost i am a character design bitch, and the pizzas are, frankly, very bland. this is not a critique or a complaint, because obviously That's Not The Point and more importantly i would be horrified if anyone tried doing that much animation with anything more complex than what's there. but also it means when i get a taste of some truly whack ass insane design work again it is like fuuuucking catnip

#ive been DEPRIVED...... #pizza business is on hiatus i need to play lethal league for 50 hours and make a surely ill-fated cosplay about it #it really is unfortunate fake pep could have been a fun cosplay for the way i wanted to go about it #but for all the schematics i had sketched out it was never a thing i wanted to get up and actually try to Make #and then i wake up the next day after playing llb once and go like oh. ohhhhhh. i need to be doombox irl #and because of that realizing. oh that was misplaced idle thoughts before; i never actually wanted to do fp for real #i was just on that train bc 1. very passionate about the game obviously [and he was kind of my only option to rep pt] and 2. #i think it was a lot of leftover inertia from my PREVIOUS cosplay idea [baozhai from indivisible] that i also never pursued #lots of Makin Stuff drive still existing but not having a place to go. #fp was certainly more doable than baozhai so it was easy to latch on but #still not....really the kind of thing i actually Enjoy making #this one though. ohgghhgh i feel it. i feel the cosmos #i still dont think i'm actually going to complete it. the current projection is that i just make a shitty prototype and then #realize how impossible and unfun this is gonna be and then drop it. [but its fine bc i still got to make stuff and got the idea out] #however. that first pizza comic was also originally a single-image prototype to get the idea across bc #i didn't think i would actually draw out that whole thing either. #so i guess we'll just see what happens. now won't we. #poor fuckin noisette comic 2 man i put it off for so long and then finally get into it and then this happens #ill get back on it eventually this is just something i have to indulge while i have it and get it out of my system #its like evangelion. sometimes you have to write 8k words of analysis. and sometimes you gotta make a really stupid cosplay #anyway hey i should post the fp cosplay schematics huh. i meant to back when i first did them but then didnt. whoops #bweeeaaahh

[munamania]

i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there

#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru #but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days #and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay! #and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing #i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail #i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time #not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me #im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me #anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early #i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great #and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most #expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth #but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans #but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated #about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like #u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends #w yall. things happen #abby talks #and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw #a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes #OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it #was years ago but also like christ!

[cookinguptales]

I can’t tell you how many times a day my body makes the most ungodly noise imaginable and my brain just goes

#ehlers danlos problems #that 3 seconds of ratatouille lives rent-free inside my head #every time one of my joints does something Bad #which is several times a day #it's almost pavlovian at this point lmao #shoulder: pops out while I'm getting dressed #me: mmm symphony of crackle #hip: makes a noise like a tree branch snapping in half in a hurricane #me: mmmmm symphony of crackle #fingers: go like 5 different directions at once while I'm trying to tie my shoes #me: mmmmmmmmmm symphony of crackle #let's just say that the last couple days have been A Recovery #cw: #disability #chronic illness #I literally almost passed out trying to get to bed last night my mom had to help me RIP #whereas when I am home in Philadelphia I take the graceful option #and just fall asleep on the floor lmao #if you've never fallen asleep in an ungainly heap on the floor do you even really have POTS I ask you haha #ehlers danlos syndrome #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome

[myriadsystem]

.

#personal #i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed #but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much #theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is #if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical #which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path #to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but #ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that #i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope #hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up #with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot #please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please #im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation #but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated #i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮‍💨 #and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today #then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after #i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much #help me im drowning

[carcarrot]

well everyone now that sparkstember is over i can now devote my energy to being insane in other still sparks-related ways

#planning my next projects #on the one hand glad to not have to get a whole video done in the span of like 2 hours every day #on the other hand it was a fun creative challenge that gave me a sense of purpose. it was fun #but i need to keep myself busy as we descend into winter and ✨seasonal depression✨ #if i dont get it done today over the next couple days im going to make something silly for goofball's upcoming birthday #and then once that's done i dont know. i want to get back to work on my screenplay and try to FINISH IT!! but idk how long that'll take #i also have to finally finish watching that film course i bought oops. maybe ill start it over #and then????????? #i have a vague Idea of a possible short film i could make. that would also be like a kind of prequel to my Main Film Idea #and its something i could actually reasonably do as a short film and its not like insanely big budget like every other idea i have is #and I'm debating abt emailing my old film teacher and being like heyyyyy maybe you could help me make this short film???? #but id want to have this idea way more planned out and written before then. but OUGH WRITING ANOTHER SCREENPLAY??? #WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FINISHED MY FIRST ONE??? sigh. #the road to making my Big Great Movie is long and arduous. will we get there. who knows #oh also debating abt writing a letter to those silly guys. but i don't knowwwww #OH lmao i keep forgetting to mention i finally got my passport (it actually came earlier than expected) #so like. goodbye everyone im heading to the sydney opera house on halloween (JOKE i am not that insane. but i wish i could)

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[widevibratobitch]

.

#havent really been active on tumblr the last few days but now i came back to post another vent and fuck off again lol hiiiiii #i havent cried in way too long. ngl sobbing hysterically in your bed does hit different lol #anyway. what a great time to remind myself of every single bad thing anyone has ever said about my body and my face <3 #anyway i finished the sobbing till i cant breathe session and now my one eye hurts like there's sth stuck in it but there's nothing #but while i was digging in it trying to find sth under my eyelid that could explain the pain i really really looked at it #my friend once said my eyes are the colour of a swamp and by god she was right. #and like damn. i was never insecure about my eyes but maybe i should add that to the list. #but like whatever. like obv im not gonna start being actually insecure about mu stupid eyes but it did hit me that there is really #not a single thing about my body that i can with all confidence say is nice/pretty/whatever. not a single thing that i genuinely like. #like at best case it's 'not as bad as it could be'. like i have nothing lol. cant even honestly say something as silly as 'i like my eyes' #cause no. they look like a swamp. #idk im just so tired of trying my best all the time and still looking like a rotting leaking bag of garbage. #i try to remind myself that i dress funny and do fun make up and that is what people will notice about me but the truth is #everyone will still always see that under all that bs im just plain ugly and just generally unattractive #and ill never be able to distract anyone from that not really #like ik people who like me dont care about that but thats the thing. #im just tired of being one of the people that will always be liked/loved/whatever 'despite' sth. #like there is nothing of value in me that is NATURAL. its all fucking fake. #anyway. wish i were dead same old same old.

[todayisafridaynight]

alice

heart ver under the cut inspo’d by the rgg card deck

#spoilers #y7 spoilers #rgg #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza series #yakuza 7 #yakuza like a dragon #ryo aoki #ichiban kasuga #snap sketches #i want to throw these in a fire but since they are digital drawings i Cannot #redid the first one cause i didnt like it but Once More idk how i feel bout the final vers #oh well. Oh Well #alice of human sacrifice HAS been stuck in my head for at least two weeks tysm for asking #i was gonna do all four but i hardly like these so #ok bye ill try to think of something better tomorrow. or another day idk depends on when my brain works #lets face it i'll prob draw something tomorrow