#ilona rants about shit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

welllpthisishappening · 3 years

Text

Welllp These Are Books: the March 2021 Edition

There aren’t even any pictures! Except in that one book where there were pictures! It was weird! This was a weird book month! Back at it again with thoughts and opinions about a whole mess of books that no one explicitly asked for, but I’ve got lots of thoughts and opinions and they only count if I share them on the internet. Seriously, someone let me go to a baseball game soon. Obligatory warning for spoilers and vaguely unhinged rants under the cut. As always, feel free to come tell me what else I should be reading at literally any time ever.

Best Book of the Month Honors Goes to This Book, Even Though They Called It Halftime at a Hockey Game. A Hockey Game!

The Dating Plan by Sara Desai

Daisy Patel is a software engineer who understands lists and logic better than bosses and boyfriends. With her life all planned out, and no interest in love, the one thing she can't give her family is the marriage they expect. Left with few options, she asks her childhood crush to be her decoy fiancé. Liam Murphy is a venture capitalist with something to prove. When he learns that his inheritance is contingent on being married, he realizes his best friend's little sister has the perfect solution to his problem. A marriage of convenience will get Daisy's matchmaking relatives off her back and fulfill the terms of his late grandfather's will. If only he hadn’t broken her tender teenage heart nine years ago… Sparks fly when Daisy and Liam go on a series of dates to legitimize their fake relationship. Too late, they realize that very little is convenient about their arrangement. History and chemistry aren't about to follow the rules of this engagement.

— Ok, it’s important to know that I really did love this book. It hit all my trope-wants. Childhood friends, incredibly stupid misunderstandings, pining, seriously God the pining, fake engagement, BANTER. It was all going great. I was occasionally swooning. They kept making out! And then! THEN. They went to a hockey game. On a date. A fake date. Cool, cool, cool. All tropes, all the time right? Not so fast, internet! Because these self-proclaimed Sharks SUPER FANS referred to intermission as “halftime was coming up.” Halftime! At a hockey game! That’s—that’s not how hockey works! If this hadn’t been “traditionally” published, I probably could have let it slide. But that was not the case. This was a “real” book with, I can only assume, real editors. All of whom saw the words halftime and hockey near each other and we’re like YEAH, PRINT THAT SHIT. I read that at nearly one in the morning and seriously considered waking Justin up to be like CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS IN A REAL BOOK? Anyway, it was still real cute. Everyone lived happily ever after. It made want to eat samosas.

This Book Had Pictures, It Was Weird

Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews

On the outside, Dina Demille is the epitome of normal. She runs a quaint Victorian Bed and Breakfast in a small Texas town, owns a Shih Tzu named Beast, and is a perfect neighbor, whose biggest problem should be what to serve her guests for breakfast. But Dina is...different: Her broom is a deadly weapon; her Inn is magic and thinks for itself. Meant to be a lodging for otherworldly visitors, the only permanent guest is a retired Galactic aristocrat who can’t leave the grounds because she’s responsible for the deaths of millions and someone might shoot her on sight. Under the circumstances, "normal" is a bit of a stretch for Dina.

And now, something with wicked claws and deepwater teeth has begun to hunt at night...Feeling responsible for her neighbors, Dina decides to get involved. Before long, she has to juggle dealing with the annoyingly attractive, ex-military, new neighbor, Sean Evans—an alpha-strain werewolf—and the equally arresting cosmic vampire soldier, Arland, while trying to keep her inn and its guests safe. But the enemy she’s facing is unlike anything she’s ever encountered before. It’s smart, vicious, and lethal, and putting herself between this creature and her neighbors might just cost her everything.

— So, Ilona Andrews is a name that keeps coming up because when I borrow a book from the library I have to go through Kindle and Amazon is like...here are some other absurd fantasy romances you’d enjoy. Also, one of her other series had been recc’ed to me. Only problem? The first book in that series is the only book in that series not available at my library. So, I was like, ok, I’ll start this one instead. It was...weird. Honestly, it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the story and the narrator was like, well why don’t you already know what’s going on? In theory the world building was cool. (I was not expecting alien werewolves, lemme tell you that!) But also it all felt very rushed and the end just sorta happened.

In Which I Continue to Love “Same Verse” Books & No One Else Had Sex in the Port Jeff High School Dugout. For Which I Was Grateful

Love Her or Lose Her by Tessa Bailey

Rosie and Dominic Vega are the perfect couple: high school sweethearts, best friends, madly in love. Well, they used to be anyway. Now Rosie’s lucky to get a caveman grunt from the ex-soldier every time she walks in the door. Dom is faithful and a great provider, but the man she fell in love with ten years ago is nowhere to be found. When her girlfriends encourage Rosie to demand more out of life and pursue her dream of opening a restaurant, she decides to demand more out of love, too. Three words: marriage boot camp.

Never in a million years did Rosie believe her stoic, too-manly-to-emote husband would actually agree to relationship rehab with a weed-smoking hippie. Dom talking about feelings? Sitting on pillows? Communing with nature? Learning love languages? Nope. But to her surprise, he’s all in, and it forces her to admit her own role in their cracked foundation. As they complete one ridiculous—yet surprisingly helpful—assignment after another, their remodeled relationship gets stronger than ever. Except just as they’re getting back on track, Rosie discovers Dom has a secret... and it could demolish everything.

— Listen, one of my absolutely favorite tropes that I do not think gets enough love in the world is COMMITTED LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. And, like, ok, sure the premise of this was that they were separating in that long-lasting relationship. But no one really believed that, did they? Rosie and Dominic were real cute and their banter was good and I wasn’t totally skeeved out when they literally fucked on the kitchen floor. So, I think that’s saying something. Also, also! I seriously appreciated the realism of this book because no one on Long Island would ever call Manhattan Manhattan. It’s the city. Every other borough gets a name, but Manhattan is just the city and I nearly cheered when they said that. But also, no one’s taking a cab from Port Jeff to the Meatpacking District. You know what that would cost? God.

Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey

Hair, makeup, clothing, decor... everything in Bethany Castle's world is organized, planned, and styled to perfection. Which is why the homes she designs for her family's real estate business are the most coveted in town. The only thing not perfect? Her track record with men. She's on a dating hiatus and after helping her friends achieve their dreams, Bethany finally has time to focus on her own: flip a house, from framework to furnishings, all by herself. Except her older brother runs the company and refuses to take her seriously.

When a television producer gets wind of the Castle sibling rivalry, they’re invited on Flip Off, a competition to see who can do the best renovation. Bethany wants bragging rights, but she needs a crew and the only member of her brother's construction team willing to jump ship is Wes Daniels, the new guy in town. His Texas drawl and handsome face got under Bethany's skin on day one, and the last thing she needs is some cocky young cowboy in her way.

As the race to renovate heats up, Wes and Bethany are forced into close quarters, trading barbs and biting banter as they remodel the ugliest house on the block. It's a labor of love, hate, and everything in between, and soon sparks are flying. But Bethany's perfectly structured life is one kiss away from going up in smoke and she knows falling for a guy like Wes would be a flipping disaster.

— It should first be noted that in the three books of this series, I could not and cannot understand why Bethany’s brother was such a monumental dick. He was just...he was a dick. His marriage was awful. How long was his wife pregnant without him knowing???? I digress. This continued to be cute, Bethany was a legit heroine as far as those rom-com things go, Wes was very Texas and that got a little over the top, but they had sex in a bed like normal people so that helped. Oh, except that one time on the construction site. Whatever, this book was cute. This whole series was cute, really, and I was a big fan of the happy little wrap-everything-up with a bow ending.

Romance That Happens In Point Two Seconds Is...Unbelievable

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The road trip was definitely a bad idea. Having already flambéed her culinary career beyond recognition, Rita Clarkson is now stranded in God-Knows-Where, New Mexico, with a busted-ass car and her three temperamental siblings, who she hasn't seen in years. When rescue shows up---six-feet-plus of hot, charming sex on a motorcycle---Rita's pretty certain she's gone from the frying pan right into the fire . . . Jasper Ellis has a bad boy reputation in this town, and he loathes it. The moment he sees Rita, though, Jasper knows he's about to be sorely tempted. There's something real between them. Something raw. And Jasper has only a few days to show Rita that he isn't just for tonight---he's forever.

— For as much as I loved the Port Jeff series by my new pal Tessa, this one was...oof. Too much, guys. Too much. Fucking in trucks. Fucking in back offices. The whole book lasted, like, three days. And keep in mind this is coming from someone who has written like two million words about Killian Jones, self-loathing champ 250 years running, but Jasper’s self-loathing was a little over the top. Like, let’s not objectify dudes, but also...I don’t know guys. Maybe the other books in the series are better? I was mostly just annoyed by Rita.

What the Hell Happened at the End of This Book?? Seriously, I Have No Idea

The Queen’s Assassin by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the kingdom's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in speed, strength, or brains, which is why he's the Hearthstone Guild's most dangerous member. Cal is also the Queen's Assassin, bound to her by magic and unable to leave her service until the task she's set for him is fulfilled. Shadow of the Honey Glade has been training all her life to join the Guild, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Cal. But Shadow's mother and aunts expect her to serve the crown as a lady of the Renovian Court. When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice. Even though Shadow's life belongs to the court and Cal's belongs to the queen, they cannot deny their attraction to each other. But now, with war on the horizon and true love at risk, Shadow and Cal will uncover a shocking web of lies that will change their paths forever.

—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END OF THIS BOOK??? I figured out the so-called twist like...two chapters in. Fine, ok, whatever. It’s YA, this is not rocket science and I was interested enough in Cale and Shadow to see how it all played out. Only it didn’t really play out! Because the whole end was just this like four chapter retcon of basically EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED and I genuinely could not believe it was happening. It didn’t make sense?!? Like with the plot? Also, spoiler, good thing Shadow and the other king haven’t consummated their marriage yet since she and Cale totally fucked after her wedding? What is YA? Why is Amazon telling me this is a Teacher’s Pick? Why hasn’t my hold come through on the sequel yet so I know what happens next?

Low-Stakes Romance Was Real Boring and All The People Were Boring In It

The Ten Rules for Faking It by Sophie Sullivan

As birthdays go, this year’s for radio producer Everly Dean hit rock-bottom. Worse than the “tonsillectomy birthday.” Worse than the birthday her parents decided to split (the first time). But catching your boyfriend cheating on you with his assistant? Even clichés sting. But this is Everly’s year! She won’t let her anxiety hold her back. She’ll pitch her podcast idea to her boss. There’s just one problem. Her boss, Chris, is very cute. (Of course). Also, he's extremely distant (which means he hates her, right? Or is that the anxiety talking)? And, Stacey the DJ didn’t mute the mic during Everly’s rant about Simon the Snake (syn: Cheating Ex). That’s three problems. Suddenly, people are lining up to date her, Bachelorette-style, fans are voting (Reminder: never leave house again), and her interest in Chris might be a two-way street. It’s a lot for a woman who could gold medal in people-avoidance. She’s going to have to fake it ‘till she makes it to get through all of this. Perhaps she’ll make a list: The Ten Rules for Faking It.

— I am a broken record. Shouting. From the highest hilltop. Just because you think someone is cute when you’re technically not supposed to be dating them does not mean you get to be anything less than nice around them! It’s not cute! And part two, which often goes with part one: rom com dudes have GOT to stop lying or hiding or otherwise avoiding telling people who they really are. It’s a convoluted, passably lazy way of writing and dropping a third-act bomb on the story. Don’t do it. Stop doing it. We’ve moved past the need for hidden identities. Unless he’s, like, a spy or something. Um...this was a weird book. I know Everly had anxiety and that became a PLOT POINT, patent pending, but she was also not super relatable? Which is crazy considering my very real, rather undiagnosed anxiety. Chris was boring. The whole plot, as this title suggests, was very low stakes and no one actually seemed to remember that their jobs were ever on the line? Did Everly and Chris have a conversation before they decided they liked each other? Who can say, really.

Shipped by Angie Hockman

Between taking night classes for her MBA and her demanding day job at a cruise line, marketing manager Henley Evans barely has time for herself, let alone family, friends, or dating. But when she’s shortlisted for the promotion of her dreams, all her sacrifices finally seem worth it. The only problem? Graeme Crawford-Collins, the remote social media manager and the bane of her existence, is also up for the position. Although they’ve never met in person, their epic email battles are the stuff of office legend. Their boss tasks each of them with drafting a proposal on how to boost bookings in the Galápagos—best proposal wins the promotion. There’s just one catch: they have to go on a company cruise to the Galápagos Islands...together. But when the two meet on the ship, Henley is shocked to discover that the real Graeme is nothing like she imagined. As they explore the Islands together, she soon finds the line between loathing and liking thinner than a postcard. With her career dreams in her sights and a growing attraction to the competition, Henley begins questioning her life choices. Because what’s the point of working all the time if you never actually live?

— YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE TO DECIDE YOU LIKE THEM. AUTHORS REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. IF THEY ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY KISS WELL IT’S NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME. Back at it again with the annoying so-called heroine who was just...occasionally real mean to Graem for no reason at all? Also her name was Henley. Which is not a great reason to dislike her, but here we are.

Apparently I Read These Books Out Of Order. Who Knew?

Pride, Prejudice and Other Flavors by Sonali Dev

It is a truth universally acknowledged that only in an overachieving Indian American family can a genius daughter be considered a black sheep.

Dr. Trisha Raje is San Francisco’s most acclaimed neurosurgeon. But that’s not enough for the Rajes, her influential immigrant family who’s achieved power by making its own non-negotiable rules:

· Never trust an outsider

· Never do anything to jeopardize your brother’s political aspirations

· And never, ever, defy your family

Trisha is guilty of breaking all three rules. But now she has a chance to redeem herself. So long as she doesn’t repeat old mistakes.

Up-and-coming chef DJ Caine has known people like Trisha before, people who judge him by his rough beginnings and place pedigree above character. He needs the lucrative job the Rajes offer, but he values his pride too much to indulge Trisha’s arrogance. And then he discovers that she’s the only surgeon who can save his sister’s life.

As the two clash, their assumptions crumble like the spun sugar on one of DJ’s stunning desserts. But before a future can be savored there’s a past to be reckoned with...

A family trying to build home in a new land.

A man who has never felt at home anywhere.

And a choice to be made between the two.

— Surprise, apparently this was the first book in the series. I did not know. It didn’t affect my enjoyment of the Persuasion version in this same ‘verse, which is also strange because I liked the Persuasion one way better. There was a lot of medical in this. And not super uplifting medical, either. This was like...oh the Jane character (I guess???) has cancer and either she’s going to go blind after having a surgery (also she was an artist, so you see how this was a problem) or she’s just going to decide to die. Wait, what? That came out of left field, really. Also DJ and Trisha were not nice to each other. Like, I know this is Pride and Prejudice so there has to be some of that at the start, but it wasn’t like Trisha ever really went through the Darcy-required time at Pemberly. She just decided she liked DJ and told him and it was as awkward as Jane Austen intended it, but then we got more medical and everything was cool. It felt very rushed and shoehorned into a modern setting and the Persuasion one was better. You can’t have Darcy’s growth without the Pemberly stuff. You just can’t.

In Which I Didn’t Like a Nickname??? Is the World Ending??

Crazy Stupid Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams

Alexis Carlisle and her cat café, ToeBeans, have shot to fame after she came forward as a victim of a celebrity chef’s sexual harassment. When a new customer approaches to confide in her, the last thing Alexis expects is for the woman to claim they’re sisters. Unsure what to do, Alexis turns to the only man she trusts—her best friend, Noah Logan. Computer genius Noah left his rebellious teenage hacker past behind to become a computer security expert. Now he only uses his old skills for the right cause. But Noah’s got a secret: He’s madly in love with Alexis. When she asks for his help, he wonders if the timing will ever be right to confess his crush. Noah’s pals in The Bromance Book Club are more than willing to share their beloved “manuals” to help him go from bud to boyfriend. But he must decide if telling the truth is worth risking the best friendship he’s ever had.

— If Noah was going to call her Lexa, then her name should have been Alexa and not Alexis. That’s it and that’s all. Also, the story was n u t s. Estranged dads and kidney failure and they got together so fast in this book. Which usually is cool by me, but I really could not get over the nickname and the estranged family was mean to Alexis. Lexa. HER NAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEXA, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also Noah was a former hacker? The estranged family accused him corporate espionage or something? A lot happened in this book, guys. Her name should have been Alexa.

Dumb Brother Was Dumb�� Everyone Else Was Real Cute

The Off Limits Rule by Sarah Adams

I have found rock bottom. It's here, moving in with my older brother because I'm too broke to afford to live on my own. It's okay though, because we've always been close and I think I'm going to have fun living with him again.   That is until I meet Cooper...   Turns out, my brother has very strong opinions on the idea of me dating his best friend and is dead set against it. According to him, Cooper is everything I should stay away from: flirtatious, adventurous, non-committal, and freaking hot. (I added that last part because I feel like you need the whole picture.) My brother is right--I should stay away from Cooper James and his pretty blue eyes. He's the opposite of what I need right now.   Nah--who am I kidding? I'm going for it.

— This was cute, mostly mindless fluff. Hit some trope high points, including, obviously, best friends sister. Only the brother in question was a Neanderthal and I really thought people were going to make out more while said brother was on his business trip. I got it for free off Amazon. Which I think should explain a lot. Like, story-wise. Sorry, free Amazon books. Don’t be insulted.

Prose, Prose, Prose, Please Someone Have a Conversation

Trick by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Spring, Poet is renowned. He's young and pretty, a lover of men and women. He performs for the court, kisses like a scoundrel, and mocks with a silver tongue. Yet allow him this: It's only the most cunning and manipulative soul who can play the fool. For beyond the castle walls, Poet guards a secret. One the Crown would shackle him for. One that he'll risk everything to protect. Alas, it will take more than clever words to deceive Princess Briar. Convinced that he's juggling lies as well as verse, this righteous nuisance of a girl is determined to expose him. But not all falsehoods are fiendish. Poet's secret is delicate, binding the jester and princess in an unlikely alliance—and kindling a breathless attraction, as alluring as it is forbidden.

— The purplest of prose. Mauve prose. Royal purple prose. Lavender prose. There was so much writing here. So much. Too much, some might say. I say. Actually. If we want to get specific. And that was a shame, really, because when Briar and Poet actually had a conversation, they were interesting to read about. Also, the world building here? Yeeeesh. The so-called, wait for it, FOOL TRADE played a prominent role and that was...super cringe. Super Cringe. That being said, I asked Justin what I should read next and he thought it was funny that a book was just called...

Dare by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Summer, they say she's wild. Locked in a cage by the sea, Flare dreams of escape. She dreams of a lost world, known only in legends. The island is calling to her. And she won't let anyone keep her from it. Especially not him. They say he's cruel. Jeryn has crossed the ocean for the Trade, to bargain for those fierce, imprisoned creatures that make his skin crawl. By law, they're subjects meant for experimentation. And easy to despise. One girl in particular. But on the cusp of transport, the tide rages. That hidden island awaits. Stranded, the prince and prisoner must fight to survive. In a mysterious rainforest, they must band together...if they don't slay one another first. Or become something more to each other. Something just as dangerous.

— This was Justin’s fault. He could not believe this book was just called Dare. It should have been called “We’re going to weirdly force what is basically slavery into this story and then a prince is going to fall in love with an escaped slave and we’re also going to call that ROMANCE.” y i k e s. Remember that one story that took place over three days? This was the complete opposite. Years! They were shipwrecked for years! They got saved, spoilers, the DAY they started having sex. What are the odds, right?? And then MORE YEARS passed. Multiple years! Five years! They couldn’t actually be together because of that aforementioned slave trade. What the shit, man? Natalia, ya gotta be kidding me with this. The internet claimed Trick was good and a solid follow to reading ACOTAR and that there was this whole verse and it was also good. The internet was wrong.

Nothing Happened, Everything Happened, I...Hated It

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Kristin Cashore’s bestselling, award-winning fantasy Graceling tells the story of the vulnerable-yet-strong Katsa, a smart, beautiful teenager who lives in a world where selected people are given a Grace, a special talent that can be anything from dancing to swimming. Katsa’s is killing. As the king’s niece, she is forced to use her extreme skills as his thug. Along the way, Katsa must learn to decipher the true nature of her Grace… and how to put it to good use. A thrilling, action-packed fantasy adventure (and steamy romance!) that will resonate deeply with adolescents trying to find their way in the world.

— I can’t believe this was a book. Katsa was so annoying! Like, listen, I know her life was sad. And she was a pawn being used against her will. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The tone of the whole book was so strangely formal and Poe was strangely in love with Katsa? Who obviously didn’t want to get married because she was WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Or kill people, as the case may be. Only she wanted to make out with Poe? Only ONLY they didn’t even really get together at the end? I could not believe the end of this book. I nearly threw my Kindle across the room. Once again, no apologies for spoilers because do not read this book, but HE WAS BLIND? Katsa had to leave him behind to save his cousin and he just ENDED UP BEING BLIND? AND THEY NEVER GOT TOGETHER REALLY?? What the fuck? Seriously. Steamy romance, my ass. Nothing happened. The villain got defeated in point two seconds. There are other books in this universe? No, thanks.

#book recommendations #book rec #fantasy recommendations #book recs #laura reads books #this was longer than i realized it was going to be #documentation of a very weird book month #but we're almost back on track now because i am LOVING a darker shade of magic #welllp these are books

10 notes · View notes

zwritestuff · 4 years

Text

Some Things Are Bound To Be (Chapter One) - Kyara

A/N: Okay, hear me out, I know this ship barely has a week of existing - I’m very aware of it, thank you very much. But this idea wouldn’t stop haunting me, and before I knew it I churned out 2.7K in the span of two days. Obssessions be like that, I guess. With that being said - I’m hoping that this will have between 5-7 chapters, because I can’t deal with long multi-chaps at the moment. A big, massive thank you to @fromthenorthernskies for beta-ing this 💓 And to Winter for always being on board with my shit and peer pressuring me to write this.

Summary: When simple office gossip snowballs, Kyne finds herself faking to be Kiara’s girlfriend, the daughter of the owner of the company she works at. Not that she has any complain, though.

***

Kyne had been working a little over a week at Schatzi Co. when she met Kiara, though she had heard rumors and hushed whispers about the only daughter of the owners of the company — some said she was a bitch, others that she was a spoiled brat; to Kyne, she was none of those things.

It might just be because she exchanged a total of four words with her, and Kiara treated her as politely as she could be before going on about her day. Either way, she never participated in the insulting comments some of her co-workers made about Kiara, because she didn’t have any bone to pick with her.

Priyanka, her best friend and the one that got her the job interview in the first place, had wisely suggested she stay out of the office drama, at least during her first weeks. She had been working there for a year now, so she knows what she’s talking about; she doesn’t mind when Kyne asks one too many times what did Kiara Schatzi actually do to earn so much hate from the employees, considering she rarely is at the company.

“I don’t know, existing?” Priyanka offers as an answer, while they’re having lunch together at her office. “She’s set to inherit the company once her father decides to retire, that much I know, but I’m not sure where this hate comes from — probably from something that happened before I worked here, but nobody would tell me.” She shrugs, biting her sandwich.

“Oh, c’mon, she can’t be that bad, can she?” Kyne asks, picking at her Adobo. Priyanka is about to answer when someone knocks at the door, and as soon as she tells whoever it is to come in, they see Julia’s head poke from behind the door.

She tells Priyanka that the head of the construction team needs to speak with her about a mistake in the planes for the new project, using that very nasal voice Kyne has become used to rather quickly, and saying in a pretty non-confrontational tone to not shoot the messenger.

Priyanka groans, excusing herself to Kyne before following Julia, who’s still apologizing on behalf of the contratist, and leaves Kyne alone with her Adobo.

Not even a minute goes by when the door is opened again, but this time, it’s Kiara that interrupts in the room.

“Miss Priyanka?” She says, looking around the room and finding Kyne instead. “Oh, hello. Isn’t this Priyanka Kapoor’s office?” Kiara asks, squinting slightly.

Kyne briefly thinks that the red suit fits her so well it should be illegal, but she just nods curtly.

“She just left with Julia, something about a plane for a project being wrong?” Kyne hesitantly replies, though she heard the conversation very clearly.

Kiara groans, rolling her eyes. “How could that woman outrun me when she’s wearing six inch heels?” She asks aloud, barely holding back a laugh. Kyne chuckles.

“I mean, I’ve been working here for a month and I’ve never seen her not wear six inch heels,” she says, though she’s not sure if Kiara pretended to get an answer from her.

She feels a weird flutter in her chest when Kiara giggles, shooting a smile her way.

“Yeah, I guess that’s probably it,” Kiara replies, “What’s your name again?” She asks, lingering at the door.

“It’s Kyne Aguilar, miss Schatzi,” she replies with a genuine smile. Kiara smiles back, and Kyne thinks the smile suits her very well.

“I’ll see you around, Miss Aguilar,” she simply says before leaving, and Kyne’s stare stays glued to the door.

When Priyanka returns, much later and with a very visible frown in her face, Kyne doesn’t mention her encounter with Kiara, because she doesn’t find it relevant when her friend is complaining about her professionalism being questioned by one silly mistake.

When the day is over, Kyne is just making her way to the parking lot to meet Priyanka when she runs into Kiara again. She’s walking with her dad, and it makes Kyne straighten her back and avoid looking directly at him. She mutters a good night sir as she passes by their side instead, and she’d swear neither he nor Kiara listened, but she nods politely and says a have a good night that echoes in the otherwise silent hallway.

She’s not sure why, but she barely pays attention to Priyanka’s rant about her day, answering with non-committal sounds, as her mind drifted off and replayed the brief moment she’d spent with Kiara.

Yeah, Kyne is definitely skeptical about the rumors surrounding Kiara.

***

Kyne quickly gets used to her routine at the company.

She’s always been good at math and numbers, so being an accountant was one of her first options going into college, though she would’ve been as happy getting an overall degree in math and teaching children.

Her job as an accountant isn’t as dull as she would’ve imagined, though; she’s the one that everyone comes for calculating budgets, how much would they earn if they invest on a certain project and all that jazz — all of this means people don’t necessarily see her as interesting, and therefore she never gets involved in any kind of office drama, which she appreciates due to the fact that her friends seem to be a walking target for drama worth of High School girls.

Priyanka was the one that introduced her to Scarlett and Bo, and though Kyne appreciates their friendship, she has to admit they’re a little bit messy. Just a little. Scarlett and Bo know everyone’s business at the office, primarily because Scarlett sleeps around more than they’ll ever admit to, and Bo is able to charm her way through people’s most pettiest complains about other co-workers. Oh, and Priyanka is there to de-escalate situations that come back to bite the pair in the ass.

So, overall, work isn’t monotonous at all; she has her friends that always have some sort of gossip to tell her — and there’s also Kiara.

Kiara started working full-time at the company shortly after she graduated from college, just one year after Kyne. This meant she saw her a lot more frequently, instead of sporadically running into her at the hallways once or twice a week — now, it’d be a pretty weird day if she didn’t see Kiara around, talking to people, collecting reports and having meetings with other important members of the company.

They didn’t talk much, though, only exchanging words when Kiara came to collect reports at Kyne’s office and they did small talk for a moment before Kiara went on with her day. Sometimes they’d greet each other if they happened to bump into the other at the end or beginning of the day. It was a cordial enough relationship.

That was until one day she comes to her office unprompted, asking her to follow the flow if her secretary, Lena, appears by looking for her.

“She’s more of an assistant that a secretary, you know? But she can be a bit too overbearing sometimes, though I’m sure I would have to blame my dad for that, he was the one that hired her for me,” Kiara rants, and Kyne just lets her, looking up from her reports from time to time to let her know she’s listening.

She’s pretty sure that this is the first time she’s exchanged more than a few words with Kiara, and there’s some sort of excitement — and a little bit of intimidation — bubbling up in her stomach.

“I mean, you’re the boss of the boss of my boss; if anything, you could just tell her to chill or you’ll fire her. That should calm her,” Kyne suggests, and she’d like to believe her deadpan delivery is what causes Kiara to giggle.

She feels a tad of pride in herself for making Kiara laugh.

“I would, but I’m not that mean — and she’d tell my dad, anyway,” she jokes with a shrug, and Kyne chuckles. “I have to go, I have a meeting to attend, but thank you for letting me hide here.” Kiara winks at her, and Kyne tries to ignore the weird flutter of her heart.

“You’re welcome to hide here any time, miss Schatzi,” she says earnestly, smiling up at her. Kiara hesitantly turns to look at her.

“You know what? Just call me Kiara.” She smiles back, and all Kyne can do is nod dumbly.

Kiara leaves and Kyne goes back to work, until it’s time for her lunch break, when Priyanka, Bo and Scarlett barge into her office and oblige her to accompany them to this new restaurant that opened two streets away.

She passes by Kiara in the hallways, and Lena is talking her ear off. Kyne catches Kiara’s glance and she shoots her a smile, Kiara returns it in the form of an eye roll as she briefly looks towards Lena and then back at her, a sneaky smile creeping on her face.

Kyne snorts, trying to focus on the ongoing conversation between her friends, but, much like the first time they met, Kiara doesn’t leave her mind for the rest of the day.

If her friends notice she’s like a deer in the headlights, they don’t bring it up, choosing to instead poke fun at Scarlett for struggling to get Ilona from Human Resources to text them back.

***

It’s becoming a common occurrence for Kiara to hide in Kyne’s office. Kyne’s not sure if Kiara should do that as often as she does, but she supposes she’s allowed to since she’s the daughter of the owner — Kiara gets away with a lot of things she wouldn’t get away with had she been someone else.

Such as interrupting in Kyne’s office in the middle of the day, because otherwise she’ll snap at the wrong people, and she doesn’t want that. Kyne doesn’t really mind, if anything, she’ll gladly let Kiara crash at her office if it means she’s doing the company a favor. Besides, she enjoys her company. Kiara is funny, kind and interesting in so many ways; there’s also the fact that sometimes Kiara brings her sweets to compensate for using her as a couch therapist, which is definitely a bonus in Kyne’s books.

It all makes her wonder what did Kiara do to not be so well-liked among the employees, because Kyne really likes her — as a friend, obviously.

Her other friends, such as Priyanka, Scarlett and Bo —but mostly Priyanka— are always asking her why does the daughter of their boss spend so much time with her, especially during work hours, and Kyne just shrugs and gives vague excuses. She won’t tell anyone Kiara talks shit about the other CEOs like it’s her actual job, she’s not a snitch.

Scarlett likes to joke that Kiara has a crush on her and Kyne should take advantage of that, seduce her and get all her money. Kyne just doesn’t pay attention to them, and flat out denies such thing being a possibility. Because not even in ten lives Kiara would like her like that for more than obvious reasons.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Kyne,” Scarlett says one day, on their way to the parking lot. “Like, your flirting is shit, but you’re not that bad looking,” they tease, earning a few chuckles from the girls and an eye roll from Kyne at that.

“Says the one that still can’t get Ilona Verley to go out with them,” Kyne quips back, intelligently derailing the conversation thanks to Scarlett going on a tangent about how they don’t care if Ilona texts them back or not, and how they’re water under the bridge.

Kyne just brushes off her friends’ constant teasing, and doesn’t really bring it up to Kiara, because why would she? It’s just playful nagging, and she doubts anyone else gives two craps about what Kyne does and not.

Well, so she thought.

Kiara comes to her office one day, and nothing seems strange, not even when she settles a cup of coffee in her desk and offers her a bagel. She figures it’s just Kiara thanking her for never complaining when she comes to her for venting.

“Do you have plans on Saturday?” She asks out of the blue, and Kyne cocks a brow, taking a sip from her coffee. She shakes her head no, and Kiara bites her lower lip. “So, uh, the charity ball is on Saturday, I think you know that. And I’m fairly sure you’ve heard the rumors--”

“Wait, what? What rumors?” Kyne cuts her off, knitting her brows in a frown and staring at Kiara, who looks absolutely mortified.

“Oh, no, you have no idea, do you?” She asks, and Kyne can swear this is the first time she’s seen Kiara blush. She looks cute with her cheeks crimson red, actually; it’s a nice change from the poised woman she’s come to know.

“Of what?” Kyne presses, trying to not get distracted by Kiara.

Kiara proceeds to tell her through gritted teeth how many people at the company think they’re dating — apparently her constant visits to Kyne’s office had caused some eyebrows to raise their way. Kiara never bothered to say anything about those rumors, because as the future owner of the company she shouldn’t dignify cheap office gossip with an answer, but then shit hit the fan when the rumors ended up arriving to her father’s ears, and now he expected Kiara to bring her alleged girlfriend to the charity ball.

Kyne sits still at her chair, owlishly blinking at Kiara for a moment too long. She tilts her head, waiting for Kiara to say it’s all a joke and she just wants her to calculate something for her.

But that doesn’t happen, and Kiara just silently stares back.

“That would explain the looks Susan from customer support gives me when I pass from her office on my way to get lunch,” Kyne muses absentmindedly. In fact, if she thinks about it for more than a second, it makes a whole lot of sense. Now she gets why Jenna from the architecture team went on a tangent about how much she hates people that sleep with their bosses for a raise whenever Kyne was around, raising her voice a tad too loud so everyone would hear.

No wonder why one time Priyanka scolded her for not interacting more with their co-workers, saying she’d benefit by being up to date with the office gossip.

“Have you thought of telling your father it was all a misunderstanding?” She proceeds after a few moments, and Kiara shrugs.

“He was excited that I was finally going out with someone, and I didn’t want to ruin his happiness,” she explains, and Kyne cocks a brow. She always assumed Kiara was constantly dating people — with how gorgeous she is, it didn’t seem that much of a stretch.

Kyne thinks it through for an entire minute, and comes to the conclusion that though it is definitely a bad idea (lies have short legs, they say), there’s something that drives her to say yes. It might just be that she’ll never get to be with a pretty girl like Kiara ever again, fake or not, so she decides to bite the bullet.

“If I don’t get a raise after this, I’m going to work for your rival company and sell them all your corporative secrets,” Kyne deadpans, and it takes Kiara a full minute to understand that is Kyne’s way of accepting to be her fake girlfriend for the charity ball.

Kiara lets out a sigh of relief, slouching in her chair and thanking Kyne profusely, promising to take her shopping on Friday to find a dress for the charity ball. Kyne jokingly says she’ll suck the money out of Kiara’s credit card if given the opportunity.

“As if that was possible, darling.” She winks at her, and something inside Kyne twitches. “I gotta go, but I’ll text you later to sort this out.”

“Wait,” she interrupts her again, before she leaves. “How do you have my number?”

Kiara smiles mischievously, and Kyne mentally goes over what she ate today, because her stomach twitches again.

“I have my ways of finding out things,” Kiara says, winking one last time before she exits Kyne’s office.

Once she’s alone, Kyne wonders out loud what the fuck had she messed herself into.

#my fanfiction #rpdr fanfiction #some things are bound to be fic #kyne #online kyne #kiara schatzi #priyanka love #scarlett bobo #boa #kyara #canada's drag race

29 notes · View notes

thephantomcasebook · 5 years

Text

Visual Guide to Adventurer George “The Comet” Crawley’s search for the “The Vanishing Princess” (1928 - 1936)

youtube

Luthien Tinuviel: (Elven Princess/Original Incantation)

“While exploring the throne room of the kings and queens, I found this.” The boy suddenly put up next to the masterful illustration of Lady Elfstone a large photograph of a mural upon a pearl marble wall.

Martha Levinson took a step closer as if drawn in by what she saw. It was a painting of a woman dancing by moonlight through a forest. Fireflies fluttered about her painted figure as she moved. The young woman had long raven tresses that were sown with flowers of the forest. Her figure was pale and slender with bright shining grey eyes. The loose gown she wore was cerulean and made of a fine silk that sparkled in the moonlight. For a moment, Martha was once more overtaken with the same overwhelming sense of sorrowful love for the woman in the wall mural as Lady Elfstone. She caught herself reaching out to touch the photograph. When she noticed it, the old woman cleared her throat and withdrew her hand, refusing to glance to the kid for his reaction. The young adventurer looked up at her, but yet, there was no judgement in his eyes to her emotion.

Lady Elfstone: (Last Princess of Byzantium/ First Lady of the House of Grantham/ Second Incarnation)

“Who is she?” She desperately stifled the emotion in her throat.

“This is the Lady Elfstone …” The boy read from the ancient inscription in the chronicle. “To what her real name is, I don’t know, they don’t say. She was a Byzantine Princess, the last of the Imperial House. She had fled the fall of Constantinople. How she got to England, no one knows, not even the monks of the abbey. She washed up in Wales and was found by a Tudor Lord. They said that she had never spoke of her life in Byzantium again, “fore the grief of her people’s ancestral city afire was too great”. But she was a beauty like holy sapphi … uh, well, to sum up, they say she was really beautiful. And uh, her voice was a match for even a heavenly chorus. She was kept as a prize of the Lancastrian Court in London. The monks here say that only her presence and the Grecian hymnals and songs she wove could quell the fits of madness that would overcome Henry VI, and so Margaret of Anjou kept her a prisoner in the tower.” The boy turned the page. He blew on the dry piece of parchment as he leaned close to read. “It seemed that Queen Margaret wanted to give her to the Lancastrian Heir. But on the day of their wedding, she uh, she fled, I guess. Someone smuggled her out of the castle … and she rode for Yorkist lands in Northern England. She sought sanctuary at … Downton Abbey.” The boy stopped and looked up in surprise at Martha. For a just a beat they felt a pang of something, a tiny breath upon their neck, a slender figure crowned in roses that sat upon the sofa watching them. The boy shook his head and continued.

“The monks took her in, but uh, Lords Somerset and Percy marched an army to take her back …”

“Must have been one hell of a woman.”

“Yeah, well they incurred the wrath of the Knight of the county … Sir Grantham “The Black Dragon”. He was the bastard son of Lady Katherine Percy, and Lord Percy’s half-brother, whose land the abbey was on. There was a battle on that field over there.” The boy pointed past the columned veranda at the edge of the gardens. “They outnumbered Sir Grantham’s forces three to one, but the Knight wouldn’t yield to them the beautiful Lady for any price, threat, or odds … eventually, the “Black Dragon” stood alone and surrounded, fighting his last stand by the doors of the abbey itself taking up a notched battle axe and stricken helm, but uh, he fought off waves of enemies, still unwilling to surrender the Princess even then. Oh, well, lucky for him, Edward of York arrived with his father’s men and drove the Lancastrians off Grantham’s land. But still, he was wounded, having cut down many of the greatest of the Lancastrian Knights in defense of the Lady. It says here that the monks and the Princess healed him, and there …” The boy was quiet a moment. “Sir Grantham fell in love with the nameless princess who sat up with him through the worst of it. He gave to her the name … Lady Elfstone for how she shimmered in the sunlight by the abbey’s windows.” There was a touch of a sad smile of reverence on his face as he turned the page with a crackling of ancient binding.

But then the boy didn’t say anything else.

“If I wanted damn cliff hanger I’d go to a serial, Cowboy.” Martha scoffed in annoyance. “What happened next?” She pressed.

The kid flipped through several pages, then flipped back. “I dunno …” The boy said in genuine confusion. “This is where the entry stops.”

Ilona Tepes: (Princess of Wallachia/ Third Incarnation)

“Yeah, well if you’re freaking out about that …” the boy retrieved his leather folder. “Then this will put some hair on your … uh …” He looked Martha up and down for a moment. “Well, it’ll put hair on whatever it is you have, uh, down there.” He cleared his throat with quirk of his eyebrows awkwardly. He took the spot next to the old woman, ignoring her two clenched fists placed on her hips with a deeply grudging glare directed at him.

“Alright …” The boy cleared the air. “So, about a century after the first Lord and Lady Grantham’s deaths there was a Prince of Wallachia in Transylvania named Vlad that they called Dracul, which translates into “The Dragon”.” The boy explained. “He married an English noble woman named Ilona, I don’t know where she came from, and there isn’t a lot known about her … most of her records were scrubbed by someone long ago. But there is one thing that survived the Catholic Churches purging of the House of Tepes. A Triptych of Ilona was painted by an artist named Dresden and was send as sort of a wedding present to her husband. I don’t know where the original is, no one does, they think it got destroyed along with Alexander Grayson …”

“Oh yeah, I remember that moron. Industrialist. The dumb bastard blew up half of London with his newfangled electro power machine thingamajig. Cora and Robert were supposed to go to that unveiling, but Mary was kicking inside her, and they stayed home … about the last useful thing that girl ever did, and she wasn’t even born yet.”

“You’ll hear no disagreement from me.” The kid replied with an easy bitterness. “Either way, whether Grayson died with it or not, there is a record of it being sold to a Lord Davenport who was the uncle of Lord Anthony Strallen.” He shrugged.

“Wait? The chud who left Edith at the alter …?” She blew out a bitter scoff. “Is there anyone who owned this thing that wasn’t a prick?” She asked rhetorically. “I swear, having this triptych or whatever is more judgement on the owner at this point.” She waved off.

The adventurer glared in a long pause. “Anyway …” He pushed past her rant. “There is an insurance claim on the painting from the auction house that it was bought from.” The boy put another photograph next to the drawing of lady Elfstone over the page of the inscription.

“You can’t be serious.” Martha shook her head scratching her ear.

The photograph showed a renaissance painting that was separated in three folding parts. On the left section was a slender maiden standing in an arch by a window which had the Castle Dracul in the distance upon a field of green. She had long tresses of raven hair and cerulean eyes. Upon her lithe and milky frame was a simple dress of pure white, one slender hand clutching the skirt. To the right was the same woman standing in the same arch but by a different window which was now viewing countryside farm fields of wheat upon sloping ground. This time she clutched a red cloth over her white gown. Both depictions of the same woman from right to left faced one another, each one seemingly staring at the main painting in the center. Once more it was the same woman. But this time she was centered in front of a wall that was flanked by a piece of each adjacent window from left and right of the folding painting. She was regal with a head crowned by a golden band and a matching braided chain necklace. Garbed in a gown of red with thick white sleeves underneath, Ilona Tepes seemed a saint in the three painted depictions.

She also was the exact replica of both women that sat to her left on the puzzle desk.

“Her too?” Martha exclaimed. “Jesus Christ, Kid, how many of these broads are there?” She asked. But when she turned to the boy, he only blew out a breath with a look that was telling.

“You’re kidding me?!”

Mina Murray: (First Female Medical Student, University of London/ Fourth Incarnation)

“So, we flash forward nearly four-hundred years later to London in the 1890s …”

“Skip ahead “professor”, I know the steps to this one, I was there ...”

“Sore subject?”

“Sore nostrils, everything smelt like piss, including Buckingham Palace. And there was shit everywhere … horse and human.”

“Then you should’ve felt right at home with amount you shovel.”

“Yeah, well, open wide, Cowboy, so you can eat some. It’s on the house.”

“With your monopoly, I bet it is …”

“…”

Both glaring at one another, the boy slapped the scrap book packet next to the photograph of the Triptych. On the front page of the paper was a black and white picture of a young woman with a bonnet of blue with matching ribbon, leather gloves, and long overcoat that covered a white blouse. In her arms was a collection of books against her breast, with a blue umbrella hooked on her wrist. Once more, though less surprising now, the beauty in the picture matched that of the previous women on the puzzle desk. Raven hair, milky skin, slim, with demure and innocent eyes that sparkled. But what was different was that a sudden light of recognition hit Martha Levinson as she studied the paper, flipping through articles.

“This is …” The adventurer began

“Wilhelmina Murray.” The old woman finished for him. “Yeah, I remember her.” She nodded. “We met ten or twelve times when Cora was doing her first and second Season in London. She was the daughter of old Dr. William Murray. He ran Royal Bethlehem. I believe my husband and I made quite a sizeable contribution to expanding their Psych Ward. In fact, I believe they named the new wing after me.”

“They named the Psych Ward in Royal Bethlehem after you?”

“Yeah …”

“…”

“Shut up!”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but you were thinking it.”

“Entry for the defense?”

“I’ll allowed it.”

“I’ve been thinking that since we met.”

“Fair enough. You know, us Southerners like our women religious … and just a bit mad.”

“Your preachers gotta learn it from somewhere, I guess.”

With a momentary understanding reached, Martha flipped through the packet. “Yeah, beautiful girl … she had brains too. She was the first female medical student at the University of London.” She nodded. “I remember, she was always trailed by some young thing that lived in her front pocket. What was her name? Uh, hmm … Oh, right, Lucy! Lady Lucy Westenra, that’s it. She was a sleek blonde piece of bitch that one. Seemed odd that the shark of a woman hung around with such a gorgeous little lamb.” Martha shook her head.

“You seem to remember her rather well.” The kid observed.

The old woman glared. “Like I said, I was there.” She put the papers down. “Anyway, she was hard to forget. After Robert and Cora got engaged, they started to do fluff pieces in the New York papers and one of them involved Ms. Mina Murray.” She shrugged.

“What was it?” The tone in the boy’s voice was suddenly serious.

When the woman looked over, she saw that the mentioning of Cora and Mina in relation captured his attention. It seemed in that instance that there was something about this mystery that was personal to the boy. That underneath all the intrigue and research there was a very serious reason that he was chasing this “Princess in the Mirror”. Something cold ran up Martha’s spine in a maternal six sense. Slowly, she was beginning to realize that whatever this was, it had everything to do with her family, her little girls, all of them.

When Martha answered it was with a new caution. “They were mistaken for one another sometimes. They went to similar parties during the Season and reporters approached Mina, thinking her Cora. “The New Yorker” did a fun article about Cora’s popularity in London and the mistaken identity craze between Cora and Mina. They even photographed them together … Listen, Cowboy, I shovel shit for a living, so I know what it smells like. Are you gonna tell me what’s going on here?” She asked.

“She’s dead …” He blurted out as if it was the answer to her question.

The old woman frowned. “What?” She didn’t know why, but a deep pang of hurt filled her when she heard him. The boy, morosely, turned and retrieved something from his pack.

“How do you know?” She asked in a grimace.

“Because …” The boy held in reverence a long crimson scarf in his hands that looked tattered and damaged.

“I was there.”

Lady Sybil “Sybbie” Afton Branson: (Contested Viscountess of Downton Abbey/Heiress to Branson and Talbot Motors/ The Final Incarntion)

But then, in that very moment … she saw it.

“Sybbie … can you come here, baby?”

The girl frowned in puzzlement gliding toward the old woman’s hands. It was the dress of sapphire and silver, the white roses abloom she wore in her glossy raven tresses, and the morning tide of a beauty unrivaled but for golden and graceful Marigold only. She gently took the girl’s delicate face in her hands and looked into her near glowing cerulean eyes that were inquisitive. Then, it was clear as day who she was looking at.

It began in an enchanted forest with an angelic maiden of pre-history. Then, thousands of years later, came a lost, broken hearted, and desperate Princess of Byzantium, the last of that ancient race. There was Ilona Tepes, finer than all of the gold and silver in Wallachia, burned at the stake for her husband’s sins. Afterward came Mina Murray, kind, smart, and a tragic pawn in many a game of worldly consequence who died in the darkness of an evil temple many leagues under the fathom’s abyss. And now, raised gently and with boundless love in the fairy halls of Downton Abbey, there was Ms. Sybil Afton Branson.

Even as her thumb rubbed the little girl’s cheekbone cherishingly, the old woman looked up to the kid who stood off to the side clasping his fob watch in hand. Then, she saw the recognition in his blue eyes of her finally seeing what he had known all along. There were so many things unspoken in one acknowledging glance that drew both back to the pictures. Then, it was clear why the boy had done all of this, why he was so terribly invested in finding the answers to this repeating curse of doom or fate.

It was a great labor, a secret mission, and a case of lonesome obsession. Whatever tormented him, the chief of these emotions which drove him on was love and fear. He knew of the fate of all these women who had shared a greater destiny and doom. And it was by great love that he feared for Sybbie’s very future. He knew that whatever waited for her, there was greatness mingled with a matching sorrow whose ending was that of despair and ruin. What strength was in the boy, however little he knew of in himself, despite what others saw in great store, he would not allow these terrible things to happen to her. With all his power, he vowed to protect one whom he cherished above all things left to him in this world.

He would not fail to save a girl he loved, not this time … never again.

Conclusion - Of the fall of the House of Grantham and it’s exiled Heirs

Many lives of the ancient past and future yet lived flashed like a runaway train that rolled without break through the infinite whose tracks were lain through her mind, heart, and soul. Tears ran down the pale cheeks of this indefinitely young creature of surpassing loveliness. In her induced state, she was all of them at once. In her consciousness was each woman of regeneration since the days before days. But also, the final incarnation, whose betrayal in the arms of a Nazi husband from the beautiful grounds of their South American estate would lead to the fall of the House of Grantham and the beginning of “The Long Defeat” of its exiled heirs.

Yet, the adventurer’s mind was not on the plight of his future children. Nor did he comprehend their and his own betrayal by one whom he loves and would search vainly for in a terrible torment of many long years of despair after her capture during the war and disappearance afterward. And further still did he not know of the terrible evil that would be found this day, and ever afterward curse him and his line of descendants with its hatred and malice. Yet, if he did have the foresight and providence for such a moment … the youth would still not budge, nor give an inch. Even if all the suffering of his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren swirled about him in a roar of sorrow and despair like a rolling river rapid, he still would not yield the maiden fair at any cost to himself or his kin.

This was clearly seen, but not yet respected by Professor James Moriarty.

(Taken from the Downton Abbey Fanfic “Medel an Gwyns”)

#Downton Abbey #Dracula #Luthien #George Crawley #Martha Levinson #Sybbie Branson #Sorry about the length

9 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 2 years

Text

y’know i watch so much skincare content on my fb watch feed…. where it’s skincare professionals or i guess hobbyists (???) reviewing famous people doing their skincare routines… and something that’s bothering me just now is like how young some of the celebs or like social media influencers are- like in their early 20s or whatever the fuck…. but they’re all using “revitalift” serums and other “anti ageing” products or using ingredients that are apparently known for “tackling fine lines and wrinkles!” when like…. realistically…. a few years ago they were literally kids. like. i fucking hate that at 26/27 i’m hearing literal 21yo women being all like “oh! i have to fix my crows feet stat 🙁!!! i can’t have those ruining my career this early!” or some other bullshit quip.

like you’re 22 veronica!!!! why the fuck do you need *insert chemical that the beauty industry touts as the newest wrinkle fighting ingredient* to fight “crows feet” when you’re kinda sorta still a kid and literally have NO signs of ageing yet??? you’re 23, deanna. chill the fuck out about fine lines/laugh lines/crows feet whatever the fuck else defect you’re claiming to have at such a young goddamned age.

like don’t get me wrong, i get these young mostly female social media stars or actresses/singers/other public figures are heavily feeling the pressure to look flawless with being in the spotlight all the time and are trying to cling onto their “young” images as long as possible…. but like. my god. they are SO YOUNG. for me, from ages 20 to 23 (when i look back retrospectively being 26 lmao) i was a KID. i was still so fuckin young (and i still am now at 26, despite me joking constantly that i’m ‘ancient’ or ‘old’)….. why on fucking earth do these young women need to be using revitalift serums with bha’s and aha’s that apparently “help stop ageing in its tracks!” when they’re just barely into their adult years????

and obvs you can say i’m infantilising them or something bc i’m making them sound as if they’re little kids or whatever. but like. why the fuck are young women in their early 20s obsessing over wrinkles and shit??? all under the guise of “oh i love skincare! im just taking good care of myself! because skincare is the ultimate form of self care 😊😊😊!!!! am i right???” then go on like 40 second bits about eliminating wrinkles and shit when they’re still youthful as fuck. just. what on fucking earth???

bc gerri you’re fucking 21! i understand if you want to fight skin pigmentation from acne or something. that’s totally fair because i have that. but the minute your 21yo ass goes on about “i need to fight my laugh lines early! see guys! look in the mirror!” you automatically lose some credibility points to me (as someone whose closer to 30 and SO should apparently be far more worried about crows feet and cellulite and wrinkles and apparently needing botox et al to fight these things). because you’re barely out of your teens girl. you were a kid 2-3 years ago. in high school. a baby. and you probs had ZERO thoughts about wrinkles et al in your head.

but suddenly now you’re anywhere between 20-23 and you suddenly start asking skincare communities and your dermatologists for “crows feet eliminating actives” and shit denoting that you’re apparently ageing “too fast”???? like honey!!! go out and live!!! (although pandemic yadda yadda yadda). you are SO GODDAMNED YOUNG!!! you have several years until you start developing real crows feet and wrinkles and smile lines and all the other bullshit the media loves critiquing women to “get rid of”….. so then we’re forced to look like fucking mannequins/barbie dolls with all the bullshit we’re told to inject into or rub onto our faces for “temporary facelifts” and the like. like fuck man. it’s annoying.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit

6 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

honestly if there’s one car that I absolutely don’t understand why general people (like people I know- and most typically young women) are obsessed with- it’s the $64,650 till about $91,000 or more (for extras, these prices are in australian dollars) fucking ugly ass range rovers that every hollywood star including the kardashian-jenners drive.

why the fuck would you want a gas-guzzling car that would take like 95% of your pay just to pay for the fucking key if you lost it.... and not to mention the fucking service costs and fuel costs???? and then they go on about climate change like “save the environment!!!” (which is good) but you’re sure as fuck not going to contribute to lowering greenhouse emissions if you’re driving that super gas guzzling ugly ass car that you’ll never earn enough money to afford in your average ass job, janice.

like don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have a goal... but owning a fugly ass overpriced range rover that kylie jenner has fucking several of.... is fucking unrealistic. and please bloody stop worshipping her (and her family) so fucking blindly..... when you’re probably NEVER going to be a fucking billionaire or whatever and drive/afford a range rover..... which is literally the epitome of the wealth that the kardashian-jenners and other famous people fucking hoard, leisel. like it’s gross asf.... and please just aim to have a normal car. like yeah lmao. anyway. idek where I’m going with this.

like does this ever piss anyone else off??? or is it just me???? like why does everyone lust after a fucking range rover anyway??? other than it is the pure standard of wealth and standard of living that you’ll never experience???? like lmao. or is that what that ugly ass gas-guzzling car meant to be lusted after/aimed for???

anyway here’s a dumb rant about a dumb thing that pisses me off lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit #ilona tries to be political for once

16 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

y’know the dumbest things that i always felt pressured to have done or whatever during high school, were the dumb asf “christmas kiss under the mistletoe” (even though we don’t have missletoe in australia lol) and the “new years eve kiss at midnight” things..... bc they were in every goddamned romcom..... and practically every december issue of aussie teen mags dolly and girlfriend (ie seventeen magazine) always had kinda sorta ~jokey~ but also kinda semi-serious articles on how to look cute for a NYE kiss/christmas kiss about how to do your lip balm/gloss/lipstick and other makeup for those seemingly ~important~ events. the advice would feature such tidbits like:

𝐓𝐈𝐏 1: “make sure you wear concealer to hide any big imperfections like a whopping pimple that appears the day before!!!”

𝐓𝐈𝐏 2: “make sure you use lipstick/gloss/balm sealer (ok I have absolutely no idea what the fuck you call it) to keep your lipstick/balm/gloss on your lips and not on your new bae’s lips 😍😅!!! also if you can, try and keep your lip balm or lipstick matte if you prefer that!!!”

𝐓𝐈𝐏 3: “make sure you wear your fave perfume!!! you wanna smell nice for this opportunity!!!”

and whatever other stupid advice they have for those articles.

but never once did I see a tip that was like “look don’t worry if you don’t have a kiss for chrissy or nye!!! it’s a stupid cultural norm that should be forgotten about tbh bc it’s something to make girls feel unloveable and lonely on these commercialised holidays. don’t rush it and know that it doesn’t matter if you never have one!!!” or whatever... which would’ve made me feel less like a failure and more confident in myself than the above makeup and perfume advice to look and smell pretty to attract a guy hahaha.

but like.... the pressure seemed real in high school to have either of these kisses because they were on all of the shows that i watched and were always treated as a stupidly ~over-important life changing~ moment for a character and always was the centre of some tv character’s arc on a christmas/nye ep of a show. it was always on myspace, and then later on tumblr, question posts where i hoped people would never ask about them. like why are these two things so ingrained in society to kinda sorta be important life milestones for kids in their teens (let alone people in their 20s as well lmao)????

even though i no longer give a fuck about stupid af christmas and nye kisses, there’s always the feeling of inadequacy that maybe i didn’t do it right back in my teens or whatever the fuck (it’s from my inner hopeless romantic- an fyi)???? they are such stupid fucking cultural norms or cultural tropes that I hope that will taken out of pop culture some time in the future.... all so that teen girls don’t and also young women in their early 20s don’t feel so fucking down on themselves.... just because they don’t have some lame ass dude to accompany them to christmas and nye events..... to kiss under mistletoe or when the big firework goes off as the clock hits 12am on nye.

stop making these kisses the ultimate idea of a romantic holiday season as well. let girls & women be single and happy on these holidays for fucks sake.

anyway here’s what i think’ll be my last rant of 2019.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit

10 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

actually another thing that i hate on Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin), are articles that try to make the international corporate head of some company/bank (say like goldman sachs or unilever) Super Relatable To The Working Man™️ by writing in the headline and writing the entire article about how that particular person “still catches the train to work everyday” and “has a side hustle of being a dj to keep him grounded!!!” and then also the person has a hobby of like “cycling on the weekend” or whatever, to make them even more relatable to idefk “keep them humble” or some other wildly stupid shit that the article writer says.

but like..... this person earns fucking $2,000 per a fucking day or whatever the fuck. i don’t give a single flying fuck that they “side hustle as a dj, bicycle ride on sundays and still catches the train to work instead of using one of his like 100 private valet cars!!!” because that man is not relatable in the fucking slightest. he HAS THE MONEY to side hustle as a dj. whereas most working class or poor people are now heavily relying on side hustles like uber driving or dilveroo food delivery driving; or, hell, even their own bloody hobby of knitting or whatever..... as actual fucking streams of income..... because they can’t afford to fucking live in their apartment which has like $1400 a fortnight or something rent..... with their other highly casualised or temporary contract jobs, which also have low pay and unstable hours. they’re relying on those side hustles to also pay for their food etc. as well.

this guy isn’t relatable because he “rides the subway to work to keep him grounded!!!”. he’s doing it to like tokenise himself as “a friend of the worker.” when, in reality, he probably doesn’t or won’t pay his workers (not that he’d know much they get paid anyway, probably) a living fucking wage in some countries like the US.... so that he’s the reason that half the working class and lower class people frequently skip meals and stuff.... and are forced to take public transport bc they can’t afford to fix their car bc of their low and stagnant wages..... when in many cases, taking public transport is something that many jobs will now eliminate you from the hiring pool for.... because you can’t rely on it to get you to work on time half the time. which is another thing this guy and his HR corporate figureheads are responsible for doing and thinking that it’s a fair thing to do.

i don’t give a fuck if this dude “loves cycling every weekend to stay healthy!!!!” bc, again, he can afford for it to be a healthy hobby... whereas many lower class or middle class people are being told that cycling to work is becoming more of a necessity bc their “carbon footprints and emissions must be lowered! because it’s the normal individual’s fault and not the fault of corporations that the earth will implode from global warming/climate change in 12 years time!!!!” when, in fact, it’s this guys fault for more than likely funding coal mines and other fossil fuels..... and also running like 100 cars and whatnot.... but, wait! oh no! he’s deflected from his responsibility of lowering HIS carbon footprint & emissions bc he’s rich. i forgot 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️. stupid uninformed wannabe worker bee me.

and what was the grossest thing about this article was that people were actually defending and praising the particular person that the article was about because “see he likes being amongst the modern working man!!!” and “can’t we ever have any positivity in this world??? the man catches the train to work; praise him!!!! lift him up!!! hopefully he’ll become an example to other CEOs etc so that they can come in contact with workers more often and be less aloof & disconnected to their staff!!!” or whatever the fuck, that made me feel so queasy that i had to quit my LI app lmao.

because that man isn’t some ~quirky, relatable, down-to-earth~ and “~not like all those other corporate fat-cat figureheads!~” corporate CEO just because he does those things. he’s just like every other corporate CEO fat-cat who earns like $90million a year, $100,000 a week, $2,000 a day and like $400 per minute (okay that maths is absolutely awful and wrong, but you get my point). he’s still as fucking aloof and disconnected from his staff; as well as every other worker that he catches the train with, as any other corporate fat-cat figurehead.

does anyone else find these articles offputting??? or is it just me???? anyway enjoy this rant.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit #ilona tries to be political for once

8 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

okay, so. i know realistically that you can’t check up on everyone in your life..... but like..... it irritates me sometimes when people share those “check up on the friend that.....” posts trying to make out that they’re the ones that always check up on people.

but y’all. im one of those people that overthinks, is quiet and overworks themselves, like it says in that cute comic post that you just shared to your fb timeline. how many times have you ever reached out to me to ask how im doing??? never. how many times have you ever asked me to hang out to listen to my problems (and i’ll listen to yours and help you with yours as well- obvs) or yknow just to chill??? never. or by chance we run into each other and then you don’t reach out after that. like hmmm. like why do i only ever have the same 3-4 people checking up on me every year??? (but don’t get me wrong- i am grateful that they do!!!) anyway.

again, don’t get me wrong, those memes have a purpose and I do like them. but it just irritates me that so many people share them, trying to make out that they’re always around to listen and hang out.... but if i dared to venture to ask some people on my facebook friends list to just catch up for a coffee to see how they are..... theyd more than likely tell me to fuck off bc i haven’t seen them for years lmao. and if you did/do consider yourself my friend.... you’d try to reach out to me more than just a birthday post or something every couple of years or so lmao. but anyways.

anyway. my point is: stop acting like you’re the saviour of everyone on your friends list, and just be realistic in 2020 yeah???? because you obvs don’t have that energy for me lmao.

like does anyone else find these posts annoying sometimes???? especially when you’re the person where you have the same 3-4 people who bother to reach out to you to hang out/catch up or just to vent to on messenger etc and no one else does???? like. yeah. be realistic my dudes. bc there’s very obviously some people you don’t give a single fuck about, and im obvs that person lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit #heres a dumb rant for jan 2020

6 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

okay, so. i swear to fuck that this will be my last personal post today lmao. but i just had a sudden feeling seeing another buzzfeed post about “the funniest posts this decade, that’ll make you hopeful for the next decade ahead!” type article..... that we didn’t seem to have this huge kinda lamenting that “oh, hey, the decade is ending/beginning!” when 2009 was heading into 2010; to say that the 2000s were kinda like “over” as a time period. or maybe there was a huge kinda lamenting of it.... but i just didn’t notice it, bc i was 14 and all i gave a single solitary fuck back in 2009/2010 was all time low, amity affliction and paramore.... and all the dumb shit in the whole emo/scene kid phase i was in the middle of lmao.

or maybe the lamenting of the 2010s ending and the 2020s beginning is happening because we just didn’t anticipate it to come up this fast; and expected the world to be soooo much more technologically advanced and futuristic.... but instead all we got was fuckin donald trump in the white house and the rest of the world following in his godawful toiletpaper-laden footsteps and coveve breath (remember both of those things???) and also parroting his incredibly regressive policies and beliefs.

but also now we’ve got australia burning to the ground as we speak, and our right wing party (the liberals) being as regressive as the orange shitgibbon and his republican controlled white house.... to people fully believing that the mandatory vaccinating of their kids for preschool and school, is an infringement of their basic right of choice.... so that western countries, who had previously had eradicated diseases like measles and whooping cough etc, now have these diseases spreading again at higher rates..... also the flat earth bullshit and just everything else that was just a fucking mess. the world economy is falling apart as we speak.

were we really in the 2010s after all???? like fuck knows man. but it sure ain’t what 2020 was supposed to feel like or look like, was it???

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit #but seriously though

6 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

okay, something that i really fucking hate both on this hellsite and even on facebook now, is people writing posts about those scammy bullshit survey sites where they’re all like “hey! i made $1,000 for a new phone by using this website! and all i have to do is sit and watch a few ads for a few brands and write some feedback!! sign up today!!!! *posts screenshots of their bank account to show that they’ve been paid certain amounts for certain surveys*” like im so used to it on this hellsite, that i’ve learnt to just scroll past those posts from those big blogs that endlessly reblog those posts.

but it really troubles me that bigger mainstream websites like buzzfeed and junkee (in australia) caught wind of it a while ago, and started to write/re-share articles about sites like swagbucks and toluna being good ways to make some backup cash on uni breaks or whatever. but they’re scams. you know how i know??? because i signed up to these sites for an experiment to see if i would get paid even just $5 for a survey or the sweepstakes (god knows fucking what really lmao) on one of the MANY sites that sites like toluna are also linked to. it’s an endless run around of stupid accounts that you forget that you signed up to. like for one website idk, surveycompare (which i’ve since stopped receiving emails from and i’ve deleted all those emails lmao) sent me to another website called mint surveys (if i remember correctly) and i had to sign up to that before i could used surveycompare or whatever the fuck bc they were somehow linked to each other. and i’ve since found a few more looking back in my emails, like opinionworld and mysurvey, which, again, were linked to each other or whatever.

but my main rankle with this is that the sweepstakes winning or gift card or monetary reward they promised from whatever fucking website i was on, never got sent to me. i never got a $2.50 pay for some shitty 20 minute survey that i did. i never got a $25 paypal gift card sent to me via email or on that particular account. like i honestly dont know how the fuck these tumblr “micro-influencers” or “influencers” (if they can even be called that) and even mainstream media websites are just consciously getting people to sign up to scams. like okay. i know that the tumblr people are getting poached, in a sense. bc i got hit the other day with this bullshit from a bot or corporate account:

and these survey websites are the main sources of scams on this website.... and the fact that the tumblr influencers are peddling them to people in precarious positions (like low-income student payment uni students) or to impressionable young followers, as a good idea of idek a side hustle??? is beyond fucking ridiculous. as an fyi, you’d be extremely, extremely lucky to make even the “i got $50 for a survey!” bullshit claim..... when 95% of the ones i got sent were literally $2.50 or $5 or even maybe $15, but you’d never receive any of that money.... is fucking laughable. please shut the fuck up.

outside of tumblr, you’d think big media sites like junkee and buzzfeed would have some sense of accountability in telling uni students to join scam schemes.... but they fucking don’t. don’t join swagbucks. don’t join toluna. hell, don’t even fucking join neilson or whatever the fuck it is, no matter how much these popular posts with several thousand notes claims these sites are “legit” and “the best in the survey business!!! they’ve been doing it for like 100 years!!!”

just please fucking exercise some critical thinking and don’t join them. because they’re a huge fucking waste of your time.... and you’ll never actually receive that gift card or that sweepstakes prize or that prize of $50 for completing some bullshit customer feedback or whatever...... unless you spend literally every single fucking waking moment of your fucking day on those sites. i’ve done some of it for you with this post.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona whines about her shitty fucking life to her followers lol #ilona tries to give advice #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #help me escape this vortex hellsite 2k19 #tumblr/internet stuff #ilona rants about shit #im not bragging about my number of followers btw #as well as those fucking ugly clothes website posts #okay the clothes ones are slightly more legit probably but still #they're fucking ugly lmao

6 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

one last thing..... on the topic of the fetishisation of youth, one thing that’s slowly starting to annoy me (although I’m guilty of doing it sometimes as well).... is saying that *insert random famous person in their early 30s here* is totally a vampire!!!! they just don’t age!!”

like y’all know that 30 is still pretty young in today’s standard of living/aging or whatever, right????? like yes there’s jokes about your 30s like: “oh, i carry paracetamol everywhere bc my back hurts all the time!” “by your 30s you should have: a neverending headache and feeling like you’re an ancient dinosaur” or whatever dumb shit that memes say.

like yes, I know that your metabolism slows down by your 30s, you start getting fine lines/laugh lines or whatever stupid shit that cosmo used to go on about for women in their mid20s and early 30s to get rid of/reduce the appearance of..... but still.

30 isn’t that bloody old??? I’m only saying this bc yeah.... I turn 30 in a few (5 really) years lmao.... but also because it is starting to annoy me that people are saying this about people who are still kinda young in a sense (like yes they’re adults duh)..... but in today’s world where people can live into their 100s... 30 really is NOT that old.... so, that famous dude.... like, say, brendon urie.... like i saw just 20mins ago on fb.... that you’re saying that “never ages!!! wtf!!! he’s totally a vampire!!!” really isn’t that old lmao, despite what the media and society says about hitting your 30s.

obvs im mostly only saying this, bc i realise that im gonna hit my 30s soon, and also bc my dating limit in my mid20s now, is someone in their early 30s lol, but still. SOMEONE! IN! THEIR! EARLY! 30s! IS! NOT! THAT! OLD! just in general life and aging; all despite what the media spins it as..... and what memes say it is lol.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona rants about shit #okay it’s defs more different in dating and stuff #but in general life and with all the media advice around turning/being 30 etc #30 till 32 (brendon urie’s age) is not that old!!!!#stop it!!!! theyre not vampires!!!#and also people usually say different things about women in the public eye depending on who it is #by the time they hit their 30s #where as the men always seen to be told theyre youthful no matter how old they are #like i’ve done it before with vic fuentes #when he 35 a few years ago i was like ‘as if he’s 35!!!! hes still 25 to me lmao!!!! like does he even age?!’#*he turned 35 #so yeah im guilty of it as well lmao #but yeah he’s also not that old in a sense #although then again he’s close to 40 now lmao so he is old in a sense lol

9 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 5 years

Text

y’know i keep thinking about this lame aussie brekkie tv/news clip that i watched a few weeks back now; that said that australians were eating “too many ultra-processed foods”, meaning foods like bread, frozen chips, frozen dinners etc etc and of course, i suppose, fast foods. like on the segment that had a nutritionist who was all like: “we have to start eating more fresh veggies and fruits and eggs.. and, of course, organic is the best. you must cook fresh and organic food eeevveerry night!!!!”

but like..... do you know a lot of people (especially younger millennials and gen z) work like 2-3 jobs (all casual/part-time so youre at home at odd hours) or sometimes work a full time job.... and then might work a casual job to bring in extra money on top of the ft job????

like in the middle of all those wacky hours.... you’re expecting people to consistently cook fresh & organic meals every fucking night; when they get home tired as fucking anything from working multiple jobs..... when some “fresh, organic” meals might take forever to cook (probably)...... and not expect people to just want to chuck a frozen meal into a microwave or whatever, before they rush out again for another shift for their 2nd/3rd job?????

like fuck off and let people fucking be and just eat what they can???? like yes i know there’s an “obesity epidemic” in australia..... but fuck. if people weren’t working so fucking much.... and such weird or long hours...... maybe they’d have fucking time to cook “healthy, fresh & organic meals!!!”. and this is besides the point that fresh veggies and fruit and other foods like meat are expensive asf more than half the time.... and especially if you’re cooking for a family with kids.

and don’t even get me started on the article that i read about how women/mothers are feeling more guilty bc they can’t seem to put together healthy meals for their families bc of the hours they’re working etc. like that pissed me off, but that’s for another post.

and then a final video i watched a little bit of, was about how “australian adults aren’t eating enough veggies!!!!! do you know how bad that is??? do you know how to get more veggies in your diet???? add them into your snack foods and sweets like caramel cake!!!! why not put zucchini & beetroot in your chocolate muffins to help you to get your 4 servings of veggies in????” so yeah. these segments have just been stuck in my mind for the past few weeks and just really pissed me the fuck off.

basically all i’m saying is that the media should fucking stop guilting people on the topic of “eating healthy” and “unhealthy eating habits” etc etc when the way that the world really works is that a load of people just simply do not have the time and probably the energy to eat healthy and cook “fresh & organic” meals, let alone even being able to fucking afford half the stuff they’re suggesting to buy. like me? buy some kale? to put in caramel and strawberry muffins???? or even something more normal like pasta???? when it’s like $10 or more a kilo or whatever???? fuck off kelsey... and let me just fucking eat either my frozen meal or my salami and cheese sandwich on white bread and with butter, in fucking peace. for christ’s fucking sake.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona actually shares her life with her followers for once lol #ilona rants about shit

12 notes · View notes

iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

Text

honestly I think the number 1 (no. 1) reason i outgrew my interest in drama/acting and studying acting, was because of the classic “washed up amateur actor who ends up several thousand dollars in debt who just ends up being a children’s party entertainer (usually a clown)* trope..... that even ended up as a joke in kids shows or movies when I was a kid, where it was mostly like:

*open scene in a fredrickson high’s career advisor’s office, with carter henderson and the career advisor, ms. ganthrope.*

ms ganthrope: so carter, what do you want to be when leave school?

carter: i want to be an actor!

ms ganthrope: oh carter, pick something more achievable and realistic and helpful to your parents 🙄😤! what about being a teacher or something like that? do you really want to be an actor? maybe reconsider your interest, yeah?

carter: but i want to be an actor though??? why is that so bad?

ms ganthrope: do you think you’ll be successful, carter? or do you want to be washed up and jobless in your 20s while everyone else you know has a stable job? how will that help you? will you still be passionate about it when you’re constantly between jobs and working as a barista???? becoming a successful and famous actor, like i suspect you’re thinking you will turn out to be, will be as achievable as miss Coltrane’s dream job of being a politician.

carter: um what? i..... i never thought of that. maybe i will have to think about it. but what if I am successful though or whatever and don’t actually want to be famous and all that junk???

ms ganthrope: that ends our meeting today carter, want to meet next week?

carter: but, like, miss, you didn’t even answer my questions??? what does jenny got to do with this conversation?

ms. ganthrope: thanks mr. henderson, come back next week *looks down starts writing notes*

carter: *gets up to leave* well thanks, i guess, miss. *shrugs and walks out*

*end scene*

okay the above example is pretty awful, but you get my point, yeah? because a fair amount of interactions between usually a teenager expressing they’d like to be a actor/actress or do something in the arts, usually ran like this in any tv show etc, and it really pissed me off. like why must the kid who has in interest in being a writer/artist/actor etc always reassess/reevaluate their career aspirations, while the character who is always pitted against them is from a field in stem or education or whatever, as if those fields have more achievable career paths etc.... when nowadays literally nearly EVERYTHING requires a masters degree to look good and to be successful.

anyway, to get back on track. even years after I grew out of my interest in acting, i was finding this joke in kids media. for example, I went to watch Pixar’s inside out with my best friend’s mum back in 2015..... and we stayed to watch the end credits. during the end credits, they show you inside other people’s minds (not including Riley and her parents) and how their emotions worked for the lighthearted end of movie lols.

one mind they look into is that of like a 40 year old (let’s say) man, who, no surprises here, is literally the trope that I mentioned earlier. one of the guys “feelings” per se, even said something wryly along the lines of: “why did I even bother doing this? $40,000 & four years of drama school for this! ugh! I can’t believe I’m this washed up and dressed as a clown while doing it! I’m 40! well played, Dave, old buddy. well played.” my assumption is that it was meant to be some type of dark humour joke for the adults who go with their kids.... or like young adults who still watch Pixar movies (like myself at the time at 19/20 lmao).... and that they might try to rely on kids not staying to watch credits....

but like..... imagine being a kid, say aged 10 (ok im not sure what the main age demographic was/is for inside out, but im assuming it was/is like 5-12) hearing that joke for the first time in the end of a kids movie???? like what the fuck is that??? like why are studios putting these jokes in kids shows/movies anyway???? and telling kids that their aspiration of being a successful actor is a pipe dream????

like don’t get me wrong, i know being an actor (like a hugely successful one or even a moderately successful one) is a pipe dream for many many people, including myself, due to the realities of life not playing out like they wanted them to or like.... the money aspect of going to a good acting school being a hurdle (for example, i S T U P I D L Y wanted to go to the aussie version of Juilliard, in Sydney- the National Institute of Dramatic Arts (NIDA)... or where half of australia’s premier hollywood acting stars attended- which meant I had to move to sydney to be closer to it.... and then also pay for compulsory class trips throughout the course to LA/hollywood and London, for starters... both of which my family couldn’t afford even if I’d had financial aid..... like tell me chasing the dream of studying and pursuing the passion of acting ain’t just made for moderately well-off/rich kids lmao).... and a whole other set of factors that mean people can’t/don’t achieve their “dream” of being a “real” actor...

but with the above, what im mainly saying is that kids shouldn’t have “deadbeat actor” type jokes in their media... because I think it’s idk hurtful to always have your field of interest always put down and kinda shunned from the minute that you’re watching tv and movies.

like I’m not gonna lie, I did run with the “I’m gonna be a deadbeat broke actor” stereotype joke for a while in high school, because I thought it was funny af.... but after a while it wore me down.... mainly because it made me realise just what a shitty industry acting- and the whole entertainment industry in general- can be for some people.... when this is like the number one stereotype that people know (particularly) amateur actors as and for.

anyway yeah. I hope these jokes stop popping up in kids media sometime soon. like hell, we’re all in significant student debt etc etc, no matter what study field we’re in these days. stop pitting arts fields (and it’s actually bad in arts faculties as well; like with journalism/communications/acting departments vs arts departments like philosophy and English at my home uni where I did my undergrad) against fields in stem or law or even business majors as better things to study, when even people in those degree streams can struggle to find jobs in their desired fields. like we’re all struggling to find meaningful and stable graduate work out here y’all... not just acting students, christ. most of us will probably be washed up at 40 no matter field we’re in, in this godawful global captialist hellscape that is 2019 almost 2020.

lol here’s another rant.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ok this rant turned out to be far longer than i intended it to be lmao sorry #this is a tl;dr post for people who hate reading long form posts on this hellsite #ilona rants about shit

8 notes · View notes