#ilona tries to be funny and relatable

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

adulthood is really just observing a really nice sunny day with some good wind and going “yeah, this would be a great day for drying washing on the line. better do the sheets, towels and heavy winter clothes.”

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #i JUST did this #ilona updates her followers on the most mundane shit does lmao

[writethehousedown]

Last First Day (Lemyanka) - Zyan

A/N: Hi!! I am back back back again. I thought I’d sit out this one, but I ended up having inspiration last minute and here I am. I don’t know if I’ll be able to write one-shots for every day, but that’s what I’m striving for. All of these will be set in Argentina, because I can’t be bothered anymore to write about american schools. Hope you like it anyway! There’s a teeny tiny bit of Kyne/Kiara, because of course there is. My tumblr is @dollalpaca if you wanna hmu :)

(For reference: UPD means “last first day,” and Fernet is a typical Argentinian alcoholic drink.)

Summary: On the night of their UPD, Lemon gets sentimental about her friends and her long time crush on Priyanka.

TW - underage drinking.

“Did you actually buy your school supplies already?” Kiara asks, baffled, while Tynomi is braiding her hair. Lemon is putting away her backpack, already full of school supplies, giving the pair an eye roll. “Who are you, Rita? I barely have an old notebook and a pen left from last year, I haven’t bothered buying anything,” she comments, just as Tynomi swats her in the shoulder to keep still.

“You say it as if your girlfriend wasn’t a fucking flag-bearer, you nerd lover,” Lemon retorts, tossing the backpack on the side of the couch. Tynomi snickers, wrapping a hair tie at the end of the braid just as Kiara tries to throw the hair comb towards Lemon.

Almost right away, they hear the front door open and their friends’ voices announcing that they’re back - there’s also an argument going on, and they can clearly distinguish Kyne’s upset tone while Boa’s voice is being drowned out by Kyne’s complaints.

Lemon cocks a brow in Kiara’s direction when they hear something related to math and money, but Kiara glares at her, so she leaves it alone.

“Geez, we just sent you guys to buy the booze,” Tynomi says cheekily, finally letting go of Kiara’s hair as she wraps the last hair tie. Kiara almost instantly rises from the chair and goes to Kyne side, both because she wants to be near her girlfriend and she can’t wait to get her hands on the bottle of Tequila.

“This stupid bitch wanted to get the cheapest Vodka at the store instead of getting Nikov, which we had plenty of money for - I know, I did the math!” She complains, displaying the alcohol on the table.

Kiara coos, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “That’s nice and all, but I don’t wanna hear about math or school stuff again, it’s our UPD! Lighten up!” She tried to coax her into smiling by peppering kisses all over her face, her hand still firmly wrapped around the bottle of Tequila. Lemon rolls her eyes, taking the bottle from Kiara and heading to the kitchen to get cups for the drinks.

The stars had aligned for her to get permission to host a little party with all the girls of the class before heading to the actual party with the rest of their classmates, and really, she couldn’t be happier about it - but, dear lord, she could absolutely not stand the lovey dovey couples. Who knew all of the lesbians in their year would end up in their class? Not Lemon, at least.

Well, she could tolerate them better if she had a girlfriend of her own, but there was no way her crush would ever—

“WHAT’S MY NAME?”

Speaking of the devil.

The scream echoes around the house, and there’s soon a collective screech. Lemon jumps slightly, gripping the plastic cups a tad too tight before heading to the living room, where Priyanka, Rita, Scarlett and Ilona are greeting the rest. She holds back a sigh, puts on a frown and approaches them with faux offense.

“Go ahead, it’s not like polite people knock the door,” she scolds Priyanka, setting the cups on the table and folding her arms towards her. Priyanka just rolls her eyes and wraps her in a tight hug, Lemon tries to push her away, but ends up giving in. She always gives in when it comes to Priyanka.

“Your shirt looks good, bitch! Love what you did with the neckline,” Priyanka teases with a smile, and Lemon’s eyes dart to her own chest. The shirt is ripped, her bra - equally bedazzled - peeking through. She smiles proudly, because it took her longer than it needed to, and her neck had hurt for three days after. The fact Priyanka points it out shouldn’t make her heart race so fast, but it does, and she has to go greet the rest of the girls that just arrived before anyone picks up on it.

“Anyone knows what the fuck is Jimbo doing for her shirt? That bitch hasn’t answered in the group chat since, I dunno, like January. Who the fuck knows if she’s going to follow the theme,” Ilona asks to the group, as she sits cross legged on the ground, fetching for a bottle of Fernet and a cup, looking around to find a Coca Cola.

Scarlett shrugs besides her, scrolling through their group chat, trying to find any sign that Jimbo had read and understood the theme they were going for with the shirts - but of course the bitch deactivated her reading confirmation. Great. They roll their eyes, hoping and praying Jimbo hasn’t gone out her way to do something extra and chaotic like she tends to do - what’s so hard about distressing a pink shirt, writing your name with stones and then doing whatever you want with the stones left?

“If she ruins the group photos, I will personally kick her ass,” Scarlett grumbles, accepting the cup of Fernet Ilona is offering her.

“You and me, bitch, you and me,” Rita pipes up, “But before we kill Jimbo - don’t you have a stereo, Lem? We need music!” She exclaims, trying to light up the mood, and the rest agrees with her. Lemon quickly gets up, asking if anyone wants to help her drag the stereo from the back of the house.

It takes Rita a split second to push - quite literally - Priyanka to help Lemon, giving Lemon a shit-eating grin while Priyanka warns Rita to not do that once they’re drunk because she’ll fall flat on her face.

Once they’re out of hearing range, there’s a collective giggle around the room, as the alcohol floods and they try to keep their bickering down.

“Do we think tonight’s the night? Anyone wanna place their bets?” Boa is the one that starts the chaos, making the girls giggle as they look at each other.

“I bet Lemon’s going to try to get liquid confidence, but then will chicken out at the last second and end up crying to one of us about how pretty Pri is. That’s what I bet,” Tynomi pipes up, snickering as she quickly downs her shot of vodka.

“Y’all are being too generous - I bet she’s not going to try anything, we know she’s a coward,” Kyne says, earning a pinch on her arm from Kiara, who’s sitting across her lap.

“You’re not allowed to call anyone a coward, bitch, I was the one that made the first move!” She reminds her in an accusatory tone, making Kyne’s cheeks take a rosy tone as she frowns ever so slightly. She shifts on her lap, reaching for the shots of Tequila Scarlett is handing out. “I bet tonight’s the night - it has to be, the hoe’s been pinning for her since, what? Jimbo’s quinces?”

“Calling it a quinces is too generous,” Ilona deadpans, cocking a skeptical brow.

Lemon’s crush on Priyanka isn’t something new, in fact, it’s been a running joke on their group ever since they were in third year and Jimbo was the first one to throw a “party” in which a lot of shenanigans happened - the only thing they could recall with clarity was that Lemon admitted to Juice (already drunk and in the verge of tears) that she had a big, fat crush on Priyanka.

It wasn’t funny at the moment, since poor Juice didn’t know what to do to calm her down, but as time went by and everyone picked up on Lemon’s obvious crush, it turned into an inside joke that always earned them a glare from Lemon, and a confused stare from Priyanka.

But it’s been three years since then, and this is their last year before they have to go to college, possibly move out and leave their boring little town, get jobs and be functioning adults with little to no time to see each other - as much as they joke about Lemon being an useless lesbian, they just want her to be happy on their last year together.

“Rita, you’re the one that has an iPhone, use that notes app of yours to write down everyone’s bets before the bitches come back,” Scarlett suggests, and Rita rolls her eyes, pulling out her phone and passing it around so everyone can type out their predictions.

“Wait, we’re missing Juice, Starzy and Jimbo, we can’t close it yet,” Rita says, once she gets back her phone and realizes they’re missing some girls.

“Close what?” Lemon exclaims, dragging a stereo along with Priyanka and leaving it in a different side of the room. None of them is quick to blurt out an excuse, but luckily Lemon brushes it off and asks if someone wants to be in charge of the music. Tynomi shoots up almost immediately, hoarding the aux cord and asking if anyone has any recommendations before she plays one of her Spotify playlists of old reggaeton.

Lemon settles next to Rita, asking Ilona to prepare her another Fernet, 50/50 if possible, and Ilona half-jokingly, half-seriously asks if she wants to get shit faced early, with a brow cocked in her direction. She just shrugs, saying she wants to start the night with a bang, but promises to take things slow, at least for now.

She doesn’t say that she has the goal of not crying tonight, because she’s cried a lot through her whole high school career and just wants a night where her mascara doesn’t end up running down her cheeks - admittedly, that’s easier said than done, but there’s always a first time for everything.

And, besides, it’s her last first day of school - she’s been enduring the hell that is Argentina’s public school for six years now, wasting half of it on the afternoon shift, sitting through classes sweating in places she didn’t know she could sweat because the classrooms had just one functioning fan, and the north of the country is all but cold. But it’s almost over now, she just has to endure eight more months before she’s off to the big city for college.

Though that should make her happy - it’s what she’s been hoping for since she started high school - she can’t help but feel the tiniest bit of sadness, as her eyes dart around the room and sees her friends, sees her crush laughing and drinking and very oblivious to the way her heart races against her chest by just thinking of her.

She’d get nostalgic of things that haven’t happened yet, but Ilona’s urging her to taste the Fernet she just prepared, and she takes a big swig when there’s a knock on the door. Juice enters without waiting for someone to open, Starzy and Jimbo following her closely, and she has bags full of alcohol on each hand, a wide grin on her face as she tries to find somewhere to sit. More than one of the girls sigh in relief when they see Jimbo’s shirt is pink too - they disregard the fact her design doesn’t make much sense, as long as it’s pink, they can live with that.

She promised herself she wouldn’t cry, but half a glass of Fernet later, she gets a little teary eyed as she looks around the room and sees all of her friends chatting and laughing and having fun. Lemon can only hope senior year is good to them.

 argentina hs au

#rpdr fanfiction #tynomi banks #kiara #kyne #lemon #boa #rita baga #ilona verley #scarlett bobo #priyanka #lemyanka #kyara #last first day #zyan #argentina hs au #back to school 2020 #day 1: notebook #submission

[authorelizabethhunter]

So, I’ve been pretty awful about updating the blog lately, and I apologize for that. Personal life has been a bit crazy (but good!) and I get overwhelmed, so I’ll try to give you a roundup of stuff I’m reading, stuff I’m listening to, stuff I’m writing, and stuff I’ll be working on next.

SPOILER ALERT: I re-released A Very Proper Monster, the Elemental World novella set in 19th century Dublin with Tom and Josie from A Scarlet Deep. It has a new cover and a brand new short story included, so if you’re just here for new stuff, scroll on down to the end for links, but I really hope you read the whole post. :)

In general, if you’re worried you’re missing something, the best way to stay in touch is to either get my newsletter (sent out once a month with free fiction goodies), like my Facebook page, or follow me on Instagram. I’m going to try to be better about blogging, but I make no guarantees because I’m an honest girl who knows her limitations. Between family, work, traveling to the other side of the world to visit my significant other, and eating/sleeping, the blog does fall further down on the list of priorities lately. So, you’ve been warned. (And appreciated. I really do appreciate those of you who are still reading.)

SO what have I been reading? A few things. I’ve been in a bit of a reading slump, but these are things pulled me out and woke me up.

First off, for lovers of true Urban Fantasy, I’m going to recommend Amy Cissell’s The Cardinal Gate, which was a kickass ride set in Portland, OR that delves into fae mythology. Full disclosure: Amy and I are friends, and I think she’s super talented, and this book is great. Funny and fast and thrilling. It’s her debut, and I think readers of mine who love Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs, and the like would really enjoy it. Lots of action and humor. I really well-drawn heroine who I’m eager to revisit. This is the start of a series and I’m definitely looking forward to the rest.

Dating-ish by Penny Reid is contemporary romantic comedy that is hilarious and HUGELY relatable for anyone who has dated in the last few years, and informative for those of you who are still trying to figure out what Tinder is and why your single friends give you THAT LOOK when you ask them, “Haven’t you tried dating online?” More than that, it’s another well-drawn female protagonist in the Knitting in the City series which will go down as one of the most compelling and well-drawn (and hilarious) groups of friends in fiction history. I know the covers are geared toward female readers, but I think this series would be really enjoyable for my male readers, too.

Short story fans like me understand how complex and difficult the form is to write, but how satisfying a well-written short story is when it’s done right. And Ken Liu does it RIGHT. The Paper Menagerie is on my Recommended Reads page for good reason. I’m picking my way through this collection the way you pick through a really good box of chocolates. You don’t want to devour them all at once. You want to sit and read when you have a half hour or so, finish a story, then ruminate on it a while. If you’re a fantasy/scifi fan struggling with short attention span lately, this book is the book for you.

So that’s what I’ve been reading lately, but what have I been listening to?

Okay, sometimes you just need mellow singer/songwriter chicks to listen to, and Joy Williams Venus (Acoustic) album is well worth the download. I’m not very familiar with her music, but I saw this video on YouTube:

And I sought out her music. I love her voice and the Venus Acoustic album is a deep, easy breath at the end of the day, which I need right now.

Can we talk about how my son keeps stealing my Duke Ellington & John Coltrane album? Seriously, some days I really do feel like I’m raising a senior citizen. He wears fedoras, too. I’m recommending this album on vinyl for those of you who like the ritual of records, but it’s available in digital format too. It’s hard to express how much I love this one. I’m not even a huge jazz fan, but there’s something about this record.

I just finished listening to all seven episodes of the S-Town podcast and I’m still processing. All I know for sure is that it’s good. It elevates the podcast format. It’s genre-defying. I don’t want to tell you too much, because I went into it with very little knowledge of what it was supposed to be, and I kind of feel like everyone should experience it that way. Here’s the trailer:

So that’s what I’m listening to lately. What have I been doing?

Oh, just re-releasing A Very Proper Monster with a new Tom and Josie story (!!!), and updating the covers for the Elemental World novellas!

And… they’re weird. But I love them. This is what I wrote on my Facebook page:

It’s a different look that started when I was designing the Monster cover for re-release. It’s a gothic romance, so I wanted the cover to reference those gorgeous old gold foil covers in Victorian printing. What I came up with was this:

➜Amazon (Kindle): http://amzn.to/2nxvyP5 ➜Amazon (Paperback): http://amzn.to/2ol6NFL ➜Smashwords: http://bit.ly/2niCpdo

(I’ll update with other retailer links once they go live)

This is the part where I say BUY MY BOOK!

(If you don’t already have it from Beneath a Waning Moon, that is. It’s the same story, just with bonus material and a new cover.)

So I designed this cover, and I just couldn’t stop looking at it. I loved it. But it was SO different. And I knew I’d been needing to update the covers on Waterlocked and The Bronze Blade, too, because they really didn’t fit with the other books in the series. In fact, the novellas themselves were kind of out there. So I’m taking a chance! They could bomb horribly. I don’t know. But I’m giving them a chance and I hope you guys enjoy them.

Here’s the synopsis for the new edition of Monster:

In Victorian-era Dublin, Josephine Shaw spends long nights filling the pages of her Gothic stories with the fantastic and the macabre, unaware that the suitor her father has arranged is one of the dark creatures she’s always dreamed. For Tom Dargin, courting an ailing spinster was only one duty in a long life of service to his sire. But after he meets the curious Miss Shaw, will Tom become the seducer or the seduced? Can a love fated to end in tragedy survive a looming grave?

A VERY PROPER MONSTER is an Elemental World historical novella originally published in the Beneath a Waning Moon gothic duology. This special stand-alone edition contains a bonus short story, Night in the Waking City.

Tom and Josie travel to New York City to meet with allies and publishers, but a chance encounter sends Josie into a rage, leaving Tom to look for unexpected allies in the city that never sleeps. Can a young human and an ancient vampire find his ailing mate before Josie does something she’ll regret?

And what am I working on RIGHT NOW?

As you may or may not be able to tell, I’m working on the next Irin Chronicles book. What is it called? THE SILENT. Whose book is it? Leo and Kyra’s. (FINALLY! you say. I know, I know…) And where is it set? THAILAND.

Thailand?

Yes, Thailand. (It’s so delicious…)

And here, my friends, is a little teaser for you from what I just wrote the other day. I’m about a third of the way into the manuscript and I’m aiming toward a Summer 2017 release, hopefully in July.

“Do you like books?” Kyra asked.

“I do. I like audiobooks especially. When I’m training or driving, I often listen to them.” He craned his neck and saw the stack of books by her bed. “I see you are a reader.”

“Yes.” He hadn’t asked, but she decided to offer some information anyway. “For most of my life—before I learned to block my mind—books were my best friends. I could listen to them and only hear what they wanted to tell me, not another voice behind it.”

Leo’s arm around her tightened, and she wondered if there was something he didn’t like about the story. Perhaps she shouldn’t have offered so much information when he hadn’t asked.

“Yes, I like books,” she said quietly.

“I’m glad you had them,” Leo said. “Tell me something else.”

“Like what?”

“Like everything.” ~ Copyright 2017, Elizabeth Hunter All rights reserved.

  BE WELL! I’ll try not to wait two months before blogging again.

Wishing you love and inspiration today.

Elizabeth

Still not dead. Work work work. So, I've been pretty awful about updating the blog lately, and I apologize for that. Personal life has been a bit crazy (but good!) and I get overwhelmed, so I'll try to give you a roundup of stuff I'm reading, stuff I'm listening to, stuff I'm writing, and stuff I'll be working on next.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

snacking:

carrie bradshaw in season whatever of sex and the city in like 2002: my ultra weird Single Girl Snack™️ is just a sleeve of plain saltine crackers..... that i eat STANDING UP. i call them standing saltines. i'm so gross when i do this

me, literally 20 years later, at the time of watching the clip of this random bit of a satc ep: *had eaten nearly a whole packet of chips, a vegemite slathered carrot (not a euphemism) and some crackers, 3 slices of cheese and/or some ham or salami and a yoghurt filled with my fave "healthy adult" cereal and a spoon of nutella* oh carrie. that's so weird of you. a sleeve of saltines. while standing up. you're such a SINGLETON 30something of NYC in the 2000s carrie. 2000s diet culture really did a number on everyone, huh. that's not a snack. i am the snacking queen.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #this has been bothering me ever since i watched that ep section like a couple of weeks ago or something #a sleeve of plain crackers while standing up is not a quirky snack

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

you know you've reached your limit with job hunting when you almost sign off an interview request email TO an employer with "many attacks" instead of "many thanks". sweet christ

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #i legit just nearly did this when replying to the job that i was supposed to go to an interview to last week lmao #but shit happenez (accidentally rear-ended someone on the way there) #so we rescheduled #ilona's job hunting thoughts and woes lol

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i chorlton on your dick until you cum hardy. is this anything

#life #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #after reading the bee gees wikipedia page #(i chortle on your dick)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

‼️‼️URGENT AND CRUEL‼️‼️: sleepy girl at work needs a nap but isn’t allowed to nap on the clock 😴😴😭😭

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #at 3pm the tiredness hits and on the mail run that im finishing now….. #….i want a nap nap but instead all i do is put my head down on my arms on the table outside of the building (if it’s not raining that is)….. #…..and try to deep breathe for like 3 minutes or something #i want to be back in bed right now to nap nap

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

brb going to go on linkedin and tell every HR department and hiring agency that they're stupid fucking cunts and then deactivate my account forever for The Bit™️

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #ilona's linkedin thoughts and woes lol #ilona's work thoughts #ilona's work dilemmas #ilona's jobhunting thoughts and woes lol

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

women (me) should be allowed to sleepy deepy all day long on their periods.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #im on my period this week and dont want to he doing this bs social services job hunting course #go away let me sleep all day

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

just had the funniest day-mare ever, where halfway through the dream, for some reason, I took a nude..... but my hooha face-swapped with my face.... so I ended up looking like this guy from the 90s kids show, plasmo:

so then i woke up crying with laughter

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

the funniest aussie themed christmas carol is called 6 white boomers.... solely because in the world's most normal country, australia, santa's sleigh gets pulled by six (6) of the most likely to punch a child, animals: kangaroos.

so you better watch out and get timmy brawling this year, because this ABSOLUTE FUCKIN UNIT™️ is coming to your living room to knock him the fuck out for trying to see santa at midnight on christmas eve/christmas day:

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #i think of this every year #bc my year in like 2006 or whatever had to sing a choral arrangement of 6 white boomers..... #....at our end of school year christmas show and i was in year 5 #ok its probably about the eastern grey kangaroos and not the red kangaroos like the one pictured. but still

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

a non-tumblr person: better make my new years resolutions soon since the new year starts in a week.

me, a tumblr girl living in a nontumblr world: god why is trying to come up with a new witty queue tag for the new year so stressful lmao

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #i've been finding it so hard to come up with a queue tag for 2023 these past few weeks lmao #tumblr is legit my fucking life now

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

if you want to know where the rage of all 90s girls sits on the inside… it’s in one of those password diaries most of us got at like 9 years old in the mid 2000s…. that every time you forgot (or the diary forgot) your password, you would try to angrily pry it open with the back of a hammer or smash it open with a hammer. and once you had pried or smashed it open, you would write fuck or another swear word that you’d just learnt, on the first page, in invisible ink, and then never open the diary again. truly this is where my anger issues started

you can just hear the “access denied” voice from the depths of 2006 coming to haunt you; and to protect the access of your deep seated rage and anger

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #i don’t actually have anger issues btw it’s a joke

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

aussie government: *lucille bluth voice* what does the rising cost of living cost, michael??? a one-off $250 payment??

#life #about me #shut up ilona #auspol #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #a one off $250 payment does fuck all to improve the rising cost of living #when the 3 bags of shopping that i bought the other day cost $173 #like wow thanks for not giving a fuck government

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

in my years of watching asmr, the ad targeting has been getting a bit better each time, suggesting apps like calm and headspace. like yeah i still get stupidly loud fucking fast food or coffee ads or car ads or fitbit ads etc.... but by far the WORST ads to play before asmr videos are HORROR MOVIE ads. where the horror movie being advertised always seems to be billed as the "most TERRIFYING, HORRIBLE AND FRIGHTENING MOVIE OF THE YEAR. SCREAMING CRYING SHITTING FEARL FEARER OF THE YEAR YOU BIG SCAREDY CAT COME WATCH IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE HORROR LIKE THIS AND THRILLER AND MURDER AND HAUNTINGS LIKE NEVER BEFORE SHIT BLOOD OUT YOUR ASS FOR WEEKS IN DEVIL TRANCES AND TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE YOUR ARMS OFF IN THEATRE SAW PUPPET MADE YOU DO IT PISS IN THE SEAT SEANCE SLUT" horror movie.

like bro I am here for SLEEPY BYES. NOT EEPY DIES INTO THE ABYSS OF DEATH AND KILLING VIRGIN WHORE ON A WINTERS NIGHT IN A MURDERERS CABIN MICHEAL MYERS EAT MY ASS. like idk it's just not sleepy vibes lmao

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

me at home: *accidentally spends an hour on the toilet while avoiding things that i've actually got to do even when i work from home and forget to log back into my work laptop after*

my brain: boss this my emotional support daydream space and it's vital for my preservation

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to be funny and relatable #but seriously though #i've been doing this every day this week when i shouldve been doing my cadetship course assessments lmao #and it's so cruel that i cant do this at work lmao #i used to do this on swings in high school on our old swingset that he had to get rid of #bc i was obvs too old for the swings and they all broke lmao