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and-life-moves-on · 2 years

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longing

‘It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved before...’ Alfred Tennyson

Is it really though? I wouldn’t know. I have never been in love. Fuck, I have barely been in lust with an actual real person before.

For a long time, I thought I was broken. Now they have better terms on what to call this.

Asexual? I still want to have sex

(with someone, someday, if they are the right person. If I can feel that while knowing them)

Demisexual? Probably the best label out there for what I am.

I still feel like a fraud.

How can I label myself as bisexual when I have never been in a relationship? How can I be considered an adult when I’m almost 30 and still haven’t had sex?

(not just sex. I haven’t fucking held hands with anyone in more than anything but a platonic fashion. haven’t been on a date, haven’t ached for anyone.... am I cursed to be alone)

I found out some pretty fucked up shit lately. When I was three, my cousin walked in on a high school aged family friend doing...

Well, I’m sure you’ve heard that story before.

(it explains so much. the fear that has followed me all my life, afraid to be alone with anyone of the male sex, afraid to be vulnerable, denying anyone could be attracted to me. Is this why im bi? is that how it works?)

But. Of course, these are only... rumors. at best. right? How could something that happened when I was three that I didn’t know about for 20some odd years.... maybe. Maybe happened. Did happen?

How do you process something like that?

_____________________________________________

I have felt lost. All my life. Like I’m stumbling through this.

I tried so hard

to find me

to find happiness

to be content

to be seen

I feel unlovable. Not because of.... I have always felt this way.

I have never felt... seen. Is that my own fault though? If I am a book, I am one of those locked ones, you can’t figure out where the key even goes if you wanted to.

Is it too much to wish someone would spend the effort to see me?

(I know the truth to that is yes. you can’t expect anything from other people, its not realistic, its not fair. we are all alone in the end.)

It doesn’t matter how many times I remind myself of this reality. No one individual means more to the design than anyone else, we are all amoebas in an infinite universe. As you look out, expand your impression of this life out out out-

This galaxy is a body, we are the cells on an organ. Small. Insignificant.

But. I am a creative at heart. I believe in witches and werewolves, fairies and elves. I believe in aliens and alternate realities. Swirling designs and patterns, woven into the greater tapestry we all experience. I believe in Magic, even in mundane forms. I mean for fucks sake, look a the Ocean! Look at science and technology! You can’t tell me that dragon’s aren’t real when we created metal calculators that hold minds born without bodies, based on the whim of a creator who wants power to process more.

(why creative, why not romantic?)

I don’t know how to describe this. I want someone to see me, for me, completely. I want them to love me and hold me and be there for me. To love me enough to look at me and know.

I don’t know if I even want or need sex, if I had that with someone. I want to be able to hug, cuddle, just have someone who will put me right below themselves, tuck me next to their heart and think about me during the day.

(being known is terrifying. people barely like who I mask as, how could I ever find someone to accept me)

Getting older has been... comforting in one hand. As I observe life (theonlythingimgoodatrememberingstupidfactsandthingspeoplesaid10yearsago) I am comforted that a lot of us aren’t alone in the way that we think, in the things that we do.

I still don’t understand love. A few months ago, I saw a tweet (trust me i know, the cesspool of the internet) and it was talking about how hard it is to figure out how to navigate a romantic partnership when you are older. How the years of feeling like ‘no one will ever love me, no one will ever look at me and want to touch me, no one feels those feelings for me’ really fucks with trying to be an adult and meeting people to date. I felt seen, still thinking about it now obviously.

Looking back and observing my own life, how could someone think sexuality is voluntary? I have always felt like an outcast because of my bisexuality and demisexuality. Like everyone else was in on something I have put 10000x more thought than action into.

Maybe I have read too many books? Practiced escapism into others lives and tribulations one too many times?

_____________________________________________

I feel shame.

You can tell yourself truths of life every day, sink them into your psyche, ink them into your skin.

There are still some days I wake up,

and wish I hadn’t.

There are still some days I wake up,

and i dont feel awake.

There are still some days I wake up....

all I can think of is the noose, swinging from a tree.

Depression is hard. It’s subtle. A dark monster lurking under my bed, behind doors, in dark corners. It creeps up into my shadow, through my feet, into my body. My legs don’t want to move, my stomach starts to gurgle, my chest gets heavy. Breathing is hard. My arms flop uselessly, my head feels so full and so

e m p t y

of anything, everything. Joy, Love, Happiness, Hate, Fear.

People think depression makes you sad? Mine is more like... a blanket of self doubt and loathing smothering me. Suppressing everything I am except this existential melancholy that taints everything.

(i am unworthy of life. i am a waste of space. why should i even try to keep living if this is the pain of life)

Sometimes it’s hard to feed myself. To shower. To think. To do anything except stare ahead and hope.... even though you can’t feel the hope.

Would it really be better to have loved someone, see them, let them see you. Lose that completely? I know what the ache of missing is.

Missing Hope

Missing Love

Missing being able to fucking cry, to breathe, to not feel like every breath is a chore.

_____________________________________________

Stoicism saved my life. It helped me see.

We did not choose to be born, we do not choose the circumstances we are born in,

we honestly don’t have that much say over our lives in the (out out out) grand scheme.

Thats okay. Life is not meant for understanding why we are here, its for living.

(but all i want is to know. why. why me? is it true? are we all god? is this reality my hell? are we all parts of the same whole? is any of this real or is it all a computer program? where did we come from? why are we alone? is this by design? is this all chance, random, meaningless?)

I feel like I have already failed life, like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel already. I’m not even 30 yet, how can I survive another potential 70 years like this.

(so lonely, so lost i still have imaginary friends to stave off the a c h e. To keep me company when I am alone, to make me feel known. Important. Cared For.)

I have felt my entire life like I am missing... someone, something. Does everyone feel like this? Does it ever go away?

(i really thought i had it figured out, that i knew what i wanted. that i had goals. and i was miserable. was that my depression? did i just delude myself that was my dream? Icarus flies too close to the sun....)

I feel shameful with my simple life, but at the same time. When I was younger, this is pretty close to the life I have always wanted.

We are always disappointed by something.

(i can’t even escape into the stories anymore i feel like its shameful, like i have to face the reality i have carved out for myself, like i don’t deserve to escape what i have dug for myself. dig our own grave, bury ourselves in it.)

Are you out there,aching for me too? Is the love I want real or am I not meant for someone else? will this feeling of... want... ever leave me or am i doomed to always be looking for something more.

something else.

somewhere else.

someone else.

Is happiness like time? always slipping through our fingers, we never know how precious it is until its gone...

& life moves on

#internal #rambling #This is a personal blog #i hate this #and life moves on

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between-two-fandoms · 4 years

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Me: I practice witchcraft

Also Me: *opens window while I work in my BoS* Witchcraft

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polyghostfacehours · 2 years

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If I may have a romantic chart,

I am a size 18 plus sized cisgendered woman with an above average height of 5' 7", I'm a Sagittarius, Ravenclaw, INTJ/INTP if any of those things matter, I am spiritual and use tarot cards, worship a deity, and do some kitchen witching every now and again. I put my all into the things I work to achieve, am a bit of an ambivert with more introverted moth tendencies, enjoy all types of music, I'm going for a bachelor's in psychology right now, personally don't want to birth children but adoption in the future is a possibility, I play videogames when I have the time, enjoy anime and reading, and feel the most alive when I try something new. I tend to work a lot and stress myself out, but I try to do my best when it comes to taking care of myself. Mom friend who has car napkins, carries snacks, can talk to any parents, and the logical person of my friend group. Justice and equality are things I value, as are honesty and knowledge. Also a demi-bisexual, so hopefully whoever it ends up being is willing to wait for me to feel the feelings before jumping into the sexual intimacy bit of a relationship.

🍜 And if this could be my emoji, I'd appreciate it.

Aaaah thank you! (also i am so sorry, I have no idea about how astrology or harry potter houses would factor in, so I left them out im sorry🙏.)

So, romantically, I think you'd match a bit more with Billy. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be good for Stu too tbh. I had to really think.

- So, things that would have you and Billy vibe ? Well a lot. A mutual love of psychology for starters. A love of reading for sure. And I've said before, as long as its horror or just a darker, story based game in general, Billy would love watching his S.O play video games. That's already 3 like interest/hobbies you'd have, and I think it's important for Billy to have a good amount of things in common with his S.O

- I also hc Billy as demisexual. He's chronically horny, but attraction to a physical person develops over time, usually a couple of months, for him. So he'd get that. He can be a patient guy, at least more so than Stu, and if he really cares for someone, he'd wait (without cheating like he did to Sid, who he, uh, didn't care for as we all saw.)

- Billy definitely believes in justice and equality. Too much so actually. I mean hey, if he lost his mom, it's only equal and fair that Sid should lose hers. And he served Maureen her due justice! Hopefully that's what you mean! Jokes aside, you two might have arguments about this, but what's a relationship without a few healthy disagreements tbh.

- Stu would love an S.O who's also the mom friend. Stu forgets things a lot, so you having handy things like napkins or, holy shit, snacks. He'd love you forever. Feed him.

#3k relationship event #relationship event

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jmkitsune · 3 years

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1-50 of the "be nosy asks" 😂

1. What’s your sexual orientation?

Im a demisexual

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

well I jsut finished stargate atlantis so let's go with that cause I did SG1/SGA in like a few months

TEMPTED to do universe buut we'll see

3. Ever done any drugs?

nope- not a huge fan (by that i mean I actually can't stand drugs)

4. What piercings do you want?

I'd like to redo my ears at some point

5. How many people have you kissed?

uhhh we'll say (in sexual/romantic way)

10 people

6. Describe your dream home.

clock tower penthouse overlooking the bay near the ocean or something

7. Who are you jealous of?

those who are successful

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

simpsons futurama or daria

9. Do you watch porn?

nope

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

nah I have this blog, a star wars one I kinda forgot about/let die, and one for my first book trilogy I may wipe at some point cause I /have never gotten what I wanted to do with it/

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

beach

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

to never work again and enjoy comfort

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

nah

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

pay off debt

get my own place

not worry about bills for a while

15. Are you in a relationship?

I am not that being said if someone wants me- they gotta earn me cause I'm expensive AS FUCK

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

nah like I follow sex workers but that is cause either friends/acquaintances and I support their hard work but thats bout it

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

nah

18. What tattoos do you want?

omg too many lol I always want new tattoos

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

I probably would just legally change my name to JM instead of using it as a preferred name

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

Star Wars, Star Gate, streaming, writing, gaming, uhhh *shrugs*

21. Describe your best friend.

stubborn, funny, pain in the ass, smart, irritating, dependable, makes me wanna throw things at them, protective, short etc

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

Insert every person I know who is attractive cause hi everyone is attractive in someway shape or form

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

Skillet, Linkin Park, Protomen, MCR, Fall out Boy

24. What are three places you want to travel?

Pacific North West

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

relaxing

26. What’s your favorite season?

actual spring where its not too hot/too cold and enjoyable

27. What’s your pet peeve?

people who willfully want to be ignorant because they think its better than being educated since they think ALL educated people are elitist

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

myself

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

and here is where I catch SO MUCH FLACK

scott pilgrim

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

uhh I actually message a lot of people so like I dont think I need to do that here

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

digital baby

we're in 2021 - save the trees and give me more books to carry in a smaller lighter device :D

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

the ones I've written

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

Jedi meets Grisha, meets Cloud Strife, Loki and Scarlet Witch

34. What’s your coffee order?

I have not had coffee since high school

and my order then was a medium decaf extra extra from dunks

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

Im demi, crushes= confused friendship lines lol

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

of course, im human thats kinda the side effect of loving someone for a long time, there is always a shred of you that lingers for them

37. Have any tattoos?

I have SIX tattoos yes :D

two constellations (Orion/Pisces) on my wrists, my son of hades/twitch tattoo on my right forearm, my KH tattoos on my upper biceps, and my USB/IO Keyhole tattoo on the back of my neck

38. Do you drink?

not anymore, im a depressed drunk and I am very VERY uncomfortable around people who drink/are drunk

39. Are you a virgin?

NOPE

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

go sub to my patreon for a year and I'll tell ya ;D

41. How many followers do you have?

go follow all my places get me boosted so you guys follow me everywhere and you can actually see all the shit I put out online content wise besides what I reblog on here

tumblr - 1660

twitch- 416

twitter 337

instagram- 175

tiktok-1877

youtube- 116

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

Have you seen 1990s Brendan Fraser

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

im a shopaholic when depressed

44. Do you read erotica?

I have, and I'll be honest, there is a part of me that thinks it has quality of writing people should not overlook BUT its not for me I think

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

fun fact- I've only been on

46. How many people do you follow?

here- 275, tiktok 545, instagram- 392, twitter 442

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

none, I don't have celebrity crushes and shit (and before you say fraser- I can appreciate someone's attractiveness without having a crush, I'm demi, not blind)

48. Describe your ideal partner.

from two friends who know me best

- witty, witchy, nerdy, someone who I can idealize their flaws into quirks -pretty eyed, dark haired nerdy girl with curves (esp. bangin tiddies) ((I can't believe adrienne SERIOUSLY SAID THAT PART)) who is empathetic and intelligent and willing to work with you and communicate with you to build something solid and long lasting

49. Who do you text the most?

I text Icarus, Britt, and Adrienne the most

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

“That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25th, because it’s not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!”

#its under the cut cause SOMEONE wanted all 50 questions answered #hope you're happy lol

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the-ship-maker-2 · 3 years

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Heya! Could I get a matchup if you wanna try?

Um im demisexual omniromantic, im nonbinary (vae/vaer/xe/xem/They/them pronouns) im pretty tall (5 feet 9 inches) and extremely pale like almost translucent skin on my arms and extremely skinny (im barely over 100lbs most of the time) ive got naturally red hair thats pretty thick wavy and frizzy... its also in a sorta mullet style my eyes are kinda blue green grey color my style is usually just button downs, flannels, hoodies, tank tops, vests, big jackets, hats, usually bennies and jeans or skirts, ive been told that i dress like a pirate or a witch alot too i tend to need reminders to take my meds and eat, generally basic hygiene and health stuff i also have a hard time showing affection (platonic and romantic) and i tend to be nonverbal at times and hate talking infront of or to people i don't know im also not big on physical contact unless its asked first or i initiate it i tend to hide my emotions and bottle them up until something small happens when im alone and ill just crash and either have a panic attack or everything just stops working ive been told that i have a bit of a "resting bitch face" and i suck at showing empathy i have pretty bad adhd, anxiety and insomnia im not good with kids or people and animals really i like to read, write draw and generally creative stuff like that, umm i like music along as its not country or christian, i overwork myself without doing anything i tend to cling on to people i like and wear there clothes i also have some motor tics

(please don't match me with Jeff Ben or Toby i- i love them but no)

Uhh hope this is enough info?

-AA💙 Anon

I relate to you all too well my friend.

Also this is my first so constructive criticism is appreciated.

Based on the information that you gave me I pair you with:

Masky/Tim:

-you two are perfect for each other

-it takes himself awhile to develop feelings so he completely gets wanting to warm up to each other first

-he loves you just the way you are looks, personality and all. The whole 9 yards.

-as long as he knows that you love him in any way hes good with you not showing affection

-its also okay if you don't want to talk and go non verbal. He doesn't like people who talk to much.

-the man is not touchy feely himself so it's not a big deal to him if you don't like to be held at that time. Although he won't be opposed to giving you cuddles when you initiate it.

-hes not good with kids and animals either hes way too awkward around them.

-HE'LL BUY YOU HARD COVER BOOKS THATS HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU

-he loves your fashion sense. Especially when you're wearing plaid. You two could be the plaid couple

-hes more patient since dealing with Toby. So hes constantly reminding you to take care of yourself and he helps you out if you need it

-my man over here ain't good at showing and communicating emotions so hes right there with you. He gets it.

-he always asks what you're working on and admires your creative skills

-he listens to 80's, classic rock or 90s pop. So you're stuck listening to that. Although hes willing to listen to your music if you have any suggestions

-he also has a resting bitch face so does hoodie

-he knows how to calm you down during an anxiety and/or panic attack

-he has insomnia himself so he'll drive you around until you feel tired.

-if you feel overworked he'll make you take breaks

-he doesn't mind you clinging to him as long as hes not working. He finds it adorable you wearing his clothes. They look so big on you

-hes used to dealing with Toby and his tics. So hes generally patient with you with them.

That's it! I hope you like this and feel free to ask again!

#marble hornets #tim wright #mh masky #match up requests #send me requests #please flood my inbox #please and thank you

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dxmagedrose · 4 years

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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!

Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!

PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;

FIRST NAME Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it.

Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now! [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore. even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye. i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her. ( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???

A FOOD YOU HATE barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!

GUILTY PLEASURE the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way.

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all.

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN FLYPAPER. F L Y P A P E R. FLYPAPER. FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street. roast me.

FAVORITE BOOK White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani. I am but a simple opossum.

PIE OR CAKE Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.

FAVORITE SCENT my dogs / my blanket. :’) It’s the most grounding smell in the world.

CELEBRITY CRUSH oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I—— I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!! take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.

IPHONE OR ANDROID I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies

DREAM JOB Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT… the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER Supernatural :-)

… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //

#||: && the mundane ( ooc );#( get to know a bitch!! )#( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )

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jack-is-chili · 5 years

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tagged by: @marjorinetenorman

tagging: @im-the-pride-of-the-marines @feisty-cxrls

i’ve been: in love. | hurt. | sick. | abused. | killed.

#about

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egyptroyal · 5 years

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BOLD all that apply.

Rose ‘RMT’ Tyler

Sibling(s): Sister(s) | Brother(s) | None | Other

Tagged by: @intergalacticxmisfits Tagging: anyone else who sees this and would like to do it!

[under the cut isn’t part of this meme, i’m just explaining further on starred words]

skin * - i’m not sure because in some films, she’s medium and others, she’s dark skinned and another is medium-dark. this also goes with television shows as well. it all comes down to the coloring of the show/film and how old it is.

gender * - bad wolf doesn’t even have a body, it’s just a genderless space entity....so, i took that into account.

species ** - werewolf because, like, does the bad wolf entity count as a wolf?? like she turned into the bad wolf so like? that should count? because of the bad wolf entity, in some respect, it’s an alien as well as a mutant because it requires a host and that host just so happen to be rose... plus, it counts as a necromancer because otherwise javic ‘capt. jack harkness’ thane would have been hella dead... so there you go.

education * - canonicallyjust for this version of rose, she got her university/master’s degree in the alternate pete’s world on her earth... got get that degree.

i’ve been * - bullied by cassandra counts right? also jimmy stone? yeah. mentally abused also relates back to the bad wolf entity...because rose could have died....so, that counts. as far as being shot goes, i count the anne ‘anne robo-son’ droid as someone that shot her. the physically tortured bit was from this doctor who ninth doctor comic where rose woke up and was pregnant with some random alien’s baby without her consent and she quite realistically freak the fuck out....so that counts...right?

positive traits * - [to cassandra about the new skin, laughing] so you’re talking of your a- [cassandra interrupts] Ask not! was humorous af.

negative traits * - see School Reunion with Sarah Jane and Journey’s End when first seeing Martha. it’s small and quick but it’s there.

living situation * - if living with her doctor counts as a significant other, than yeah. otherwise, she’s a drifter.

relationship status * - with her doctor....it’s complicated but, eventually, they do that. otherwise with everyone else, it’s verse dependent.

i have a(n) * - traveling with the doctor and all that shit that she had witnessed both in comics and television and audios, it would be a shock if she didn’t. i would say its secondhand (because it’s the doctor’s trama that they’re reliving but also holy shit it’s now your trauma as well like !!!) but like, it also isn’t. that’s a lot of war to just get over. a lot of time to really think back on it and realize that you could have died at any fucking moment. and like jackie says in fear ‘ Im gonna get killed by a christmas tree!. like that’s funny, yes, but also HOLY SHIT THIS IS TRAUMATISING AF. like i would never buy a christmas tree ever again. you can’t forget that. something like that really stick with you. also now everytime i see the words ptsd, i keep hearing luke alvez telling a discheveled, ready-to-fight spencer that spencer has ptss like it’s just ingrained now. just that scene....

Things I’ve done before * - killing daleks counts. everything else is past events with rose before the doctor and after.

#c: dame shiver #er: headcanon #{rmt gave depth}#er: longpost

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gardenwitchofthenorth · 6 years

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I Have :) A Broken :) Foot:)

a complaint by me,

so im a witch and an empath and i own reptiles and cats and i love my garden and

and my life has gone completely fucking of the rails.

let me start from the beginning (read on if you want to hear how depression just gets worse and how I’m so close to ending my life )

so the beginning

I would like the beginning to be when I quit school, but its way before that. why would I like it not to be? well I thought my life was pretty good then, but apparently the decisions I made then led me to be an injured dropout with little to no hope of surviving

anyway, the beginning.

honestly? it was after my sophomore year of college. something during that summer changed. I would say I dont know what it was but im done lying to myself (no matter how much it pains me to admit how much I royally fucked myself)

I had recently been diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and made the first step to treatment (that wasnt just crying on my school counselors chair every thursday)

I went on medication. had a whole freak out over it. didnt want to be dependant on anything blah blah

so I thought, “yay medication means no scary phonecalls with my insurance people and therapy places”

Fuck me. Fuck 19 year old me. I should have gotten therapy like I was TOLD to do by every fucking person in my life. but I didnt.

So I took my meds and then I didnt take my meds and then I did. And then I went back to school.

Summer had been hellish. so I thought the fall would be better. I was president of Alliance (my schools lgbtq organization) and I was an lgbtq student peer leader AND I was the secretary of SGA

Cool right?

no. I was not ready. because my dumb ass thought that my meds would work, I got a dorm room TO MYSELF (what the fuck was I thinking) and didnt seek the FREE counseling.

so needless to say, My grades tanked. First semester of my junior year? failed.

I didnt even make it to finals because in december, my fiance (who was four hours away) calls and tells me his brother died.

so I go home, miss finals, fail my semester.

Now I have a grieving family and funeral things to work with. I wasnt gonna go back.

so what do I do? sign up for classes “just in case”

and my financial aid comes in

I shit you not, it was $2000

and guess what my empathetic ass did?

I fuckin went back to school so I could give $800 of that refund to my fiance's mother.

which I do not regret by the way. Of all the shit thats happened in the last year, I do not regret becoming closer to her. she is an amazing woman

So as this is all going on, I am also having an identity crisis. Now I already identify as Demisexual and Bisexual. But I was battling with being Polyamorous as well.

so in order to get a handle on all of this before i go back, My two friends, Britney and Samma want me to stay at their place for the semester so they can help me because they know I’m struggling. They are also poly. thatll come in later

so I go back to school, unprepared and unorganized, terrified and depressed.

long story short on this part: Britney and I start dating.

I love her I love Samma and I love their kids.

my fiance, however, is, you guessed it, monogamous

he says hes cool with it and stupid me believes him and everything is okay for like, 3 months.

by this point its like, march? i’ve given up on school and am just going to let myself get suspended.

because my depression has gone from bad to worse and I want to die.

I hurt myself

I wind up in the hospital for 6 days until I feel safe enough to go home.

and things continue to be shitty. Britney is also Demisexual, but apparently, by like the end of april(?) i bypass her demi.

and shit gets real.

britney wants to have sex with me. My fiance is not comfortable with it and neither am I

my partners start getting at each other and samma becomes so depressed she cant function. i go home for a bit, (four hours away) and britney cheats on me.

so I go back after a week and things are okayish(?)

but then we wind up having all sorts of fights, and it gets really personal and things get out of hand. Britney and I break up I pack my stuff that I can and spend a week at my best friends house. I get checked out of my dorm (which I still had for some reason, anxiety mostly) and my fiance agrees to come get me in a week.

(oh by the way my Best friend was also moving apartments at this time. I had to help her surrender her cat to the shleter. )

so things are super shitty and awful. Britney is in a word, toxic. I dont want to go into it but she likes to be the center of attention, which I am used to giving her. until she flips out on my best friend and her boyfriend causing them both to go into (ptsd and autism related) meltdowns.

a few days later I’m bed ridden because I got the worst period of my life. like physically sick from it.

and then, the day before im supposed to leave, I fall down the stairs and fracture my toe. so that was a whole ordeal.

my fiance comes to get me, and we drive home and I’m allowed to be miserable for a while.

my friend across the street makes me her maid of honor and my garden is blooming. havent heard from britney in about a week. I have an interview coming up. everything is finally settled down

until I fall carrying my honorary nephew, fracturing a bone in my foot that cracked when I fell down the stairs. so that was a whole week long thing ending with me being in a cast.

(my nephew was fine even after I nearly hugged him to death in apology)

so now, I’m a depressed piece of shit who cant do regular tasks around the house.

my interview must not have gone well because they didnt call me back.

Britney and I had a phone call that didnt end well

I very seriously thought about casting myself down the stairs yesterday while struggling with my crutches.

for the past year my life has just been one bad thing after another. I just dont want to be alive any more,

my daily routine has been waking up at 2pm, watching bojack horseman and playing stardew valley until my fiance gets home from work.

I feel useless. I cant get a job. I cant help him with anything, and the things I can do are minuscule in comparison to what he can accomplish. I just want to lay down and die.

but I cant, and I wont.

I made some horrible decisions in the last year. I did this to myself. I have no one to blame but me. so I guess this is sort of a confession.

I’m a useless piece of shit.

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between-two-fandoms · 4 years

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A picture of the Pink Moon in America.

#full moon #moon magick #moon water #witchcraft #america #im charging everything tonight #stones #crystals #ritual #pagan #wiccan #i dont identify #but im a witch #witches #im a demisexual witch and i love myself #pink moon #supermoon

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juncity · 6 years

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BASIC INFORMATION MEME;

I’ve been: In Love | Hurt | Sick | Abused

tagged by: @brightresearcher

tagging: again im v late to this so anyone who hasn’t done this by now ^o^/;;;;

#[ tyty~ I hope I'm doing this right by making this a barry profile? ]#☆ what do you mean its all in my head? ( hc ) ・‥…━━━☆

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